[Author’s Note: due to some confusion by some readers, let me clarify that the story below is just a silly made-up piece of fiction. OK, as you were…]
My boyfriend can stand still for hours. In fact, he’s so good at it, he does it for a living. Must have been all those years in the service guarding the sacred pet rabbit at the White House. This was when Eisenhower was in office. Boy, you never hear anything about Eisenhower, do you? No History Channel specials, no conspiracy theories. I’ll bet you didn’t even know he had a sacred pet rabbit, did you? His name was Bert.
Anyway, my boyfriend. Stanley. His mother claims he loved those little green army guys as a little boy.
Stanley was big for his age and the other kids made fun of him so he stayed home a lot and played alone with his army men.
“He imitated their stealth and stillness for hours,” his mother told me.
I met Stanley while he was in the service guarding Bert. I was walking down the White House hall toward the cage where they kept little white Bert, when all of a sudden I saw this huge man standing unbelievably still. He held his army rifle in front of him and stood in front of the cage. His huge square jaw coupled with the discipline of standing at parade rest for hours made me swoon. I begged the First Lady (I forget her name now… well do you know what it is? OK then.) to introduce me.
And we’ve been together ever since. Well, except for the time he left me for another man. But that didn’t last long and I knew it wouldn’t. He has too many quirks that drive people batty that I find so endearing.
For example, he has to (HAS TO) watch at least one Clark Gable movie every day. I’m not sure why, or how it started, but I do remember he started growing that Gable moustache of his and hasn’t let it go. He was so stubborn about keeping it that the army sort of discharged him over it.
Years went by before he found work again. I think he’s too old to be standing outside in the elements, stiff as a board, but he was so proud of his work in the White House that he still pretends he’s a little green army guy holding a rifle guarding that rabbit:
I’ll always look up to him and put him on a pedestal. And I will continue to support him in whatever he does. People still make fun of his size, but I will defend him until the day I die. He has shown me nothing but kindness and love. And extremely large jewelry. Speaking of which, last weekend while we were visiting our winter cabin in BigAss Redwood Park, he proposed! I can’t lift the rock he gave me let alone have it set for an actual ring, but it’s the thought that counts, right?
Mamie! That was her name. Mamie Eisenhower.
Oh, I gotta run. I need to go grab the flatbed truck to pick up my big boy from work. But first I gotta stop off at Walmart. The Complete Clark Gable Forty-Seven Disc Box Set on Blu-ray comes out today. It’ll make a great stocking stuffer!
Men are such little boys. I dated a guy who kept his toys in his mother’s shed. He even took them out and showed me one time as if I’d be impressed.
I guess it’s safe to assume you said ‘yes’ eh? Nice ‘stache’
Oh Clarke G oh wow dreamy dreamy….
And does size really matter?
LOL xo
so funny seeing those plastic toy soldiers! I grew up playing with those. For some reason they were in abundance in Asia! ha!
And look at that sly smile on his face. Maybe he’s dreaming of the honeymoon. 🙂
Oh man, the mustache alone makes me swoon. How on earth did you ever get so lucky?
Now that is one seriously handsome man! And no woman is really going to complain about gifts of jewelry that are too large to pick up, right???
You are a L-U-C-K-Y lady!
When you put the engagement announcement in the newspaper, the headline should read…Goat in Panties Hooks up at White House
My you like your men big and stiff. That’s something we have in common. wink. wink. nudge. nudge.
He’s hot! I bet he is good at “standing at attention!” haha Lame joke!
Love is blind-literally:)
He’s such a STUD.
ha!
great post!
Who the hell didn’t know this was fiction? Jesus Christ….
Anyway, funny stuff. Very Woody Allen. Good job.
That was just a wonderfully hilarious piece of fiction! You rock, nanny goat lady!
c’mon, you can’t go wrong with a man who loves Clark Gable and guards pet rabbits.
You have probably received this already but I nominated you today for an award on my blog
Wow, I love Clark Gabel. I hear the ‘stache is coming back this winter. I got to get to Wal Mart and get me some Gable CDs.
Say…he does look like Paul Bunion, but without the plaid.
I just wanted to take the chance to thank you for stopping by my blog and wishing me well! It means a lot to me! Loved the post by the way HEHE
I did not see that coming…good twist. Thanks for the birthday message.
Oh, good Lord – what IS he doing with his hands? Especially with that “lube” sign behind him. *gulp*
What is he doing with his hands? Demonstrating something?
My wife wants to know where she can find one!
Can you please tell her, so that I can get a break?
*kidding* I love my wife, and if she reads this, I’ll still love her even with my black eye!
WHAT have you been smoking?
Do not respond to this email. This is confirmation of your subscription to the comments department.
We at the comments department would like to thank you for your subscription and we’re pretty sure Mamie preferred to go by “The-lady-that-married-Dwight-D.”
LOL. I love it!
Man, I didn’t know you and Paul were an item. Thats cool, we go way back. Oh and you will need more than that to stuff that stocking with lol
LOL!
was confused and then amused.
Was confused then amused!
Lucky girl! Just what size is that stocking?
Cute story. My, he certainly does look like Clark Gable. A really big stiff Clark Gable but Clark Gable non-the-less. I can see that some references would be obscure here in blog world though considering most of the people were before even my time–but I do still know them!
Pet rabit, huh? So what secret pet do you think Obama will have?
Must have a huge Christmas sock if it’s going to hold a 47 disc set! I’d like to see that sock.
Di
The Blue Ridge Gal
YOu know what they say about a man and his feet. They get him from one place to another…..
get your mind OUT of the gutter….
LOL! The moustache is my favorite part!!!
You know what they say about guys with big feet… they need a lot of foot powder!
Very funny! :o)
My first thought when I started reading this was “How old is this person, anyway???” followed closely by “Seriously? He guarded a frigging rabbit?” lol
Stanley is looking a lot more fit since he stopped hanging out at Bob’s Big Boy all day, every day …
Now, that’s my kinda guy! 🙂
Now that is a chick magnet!
Darlin’…
You’ve heard it said that a hard man is good to find. When he’s tall and handsome, I usually marry him. Now, we might need to talk more about the rock he gave you…
Loved it!
Eve
Wow! He is huge. Kinda crazy face though.
You do random better than anyone I know.
Does he have a brother with a pet blue ox? I think I ran into him up in MN.
so…where is the lumberjacks’ axe?
Where’s the lumberjacks axe????
Um, and where exactly did your man bury his massive…hatchet?
No, seriously.
He used to have a really nice a…xe.
What’s not to get people? Big man, stiff as a board, big jewelry, I love him too.
I love how that made absolutely no sense whatsoever.
That was the most cockaMAMIE bullcrap story I have ever heard. It was fabulous!!!
(Get it? CockaMAMIE?? HELLO? C’MON PEOPLE!!)
Mamie Eisenhower would not have spoken to you because she would never introduce a civilian to a guard who was on duty. That is a no-no. Maybe you are confusing Mamie with Mimi, her addled half-sister that they kept locked upstairs most of the time, but she always managed to get ouit.
An even bigger issue for Mamie would be that you wanted to date the hired help. That would be in the unrecoverable faux paux department.
One thing to note, ladies: look at the shoe size on that dude!
Lol… You crack me up… (I laugh because I have no idea what’s going on) Not Really, but my brother has a T-Shirt that says that and it seems to reflect the sentiments of most of your readers at the moment… I though it was funny…
I must have forgotten to take my smart pills cause I don’t get it… Maybe it’s just too much sleep ruining my world vision.
Well, I liked the little green army men, but the rest was lost on me.
Wow. Will you look at the size of those feet. What are they – eighteens? Nineteens?
Dang.
I’m just sayin’.
A.
So, what you’re trying to say is…
A. You’re boyfriend is hard up.
B. You’re boyfriend has overdosed on Viagra.
C. You’re boyfriend has absolutely no taste in movies.
D. All of the above.
Now THAT’S My kind of man! I love the strong, silent type!
Thanks God I’m not alone here. I’m lost, but it’s kind of fun actually…
I’m confused too. Can’t figure out which of those little green army guys is Stanley for one thing. And why you couldn’t think of Mamie’s name right off the top of your head. Mamie of the cute little cotton shirtwaists and crinolines and those infernal bangs and the twin beds with the pink satin – or it was probably sateen quilted headboards. (She made her 5 star general/president of the entire USA sleep in that) (Probably getting back at him for the mistress thingie). But the only thing I’m really confused about is the rabbit. I’m sure his name was Bart.
It’s not the size of the man – it’s the stiffness of the limbs that counts!
I’m old here, and I’m still a little confused.
But definitely amused!
You must slather him with SPF 50+ – he’s looking a little ashen. You might want to take it down to 15ish.
I am so confused…
I’m new here.
awwwww a match made in Heaven
This post, it confuses me.
Well, if he ever needs another gig, they’d love him outside Buckingham Palace.
Big Ass Redwood Park? I think I’ve been there.
Speaking of big asses…where does your man shop?!
He’s soooo dreamy!!! I bet he’s good in bed…