You haven’t slept until you’ve laid yourself down on an pillowy mattress, covered in heavy blankets on a cool night, in a duplex, sharing a wall with a couple of reformed crack addicts, a few yards away from the railroad tracks. Here, I’ll show you:
Every night, the 1:00AM Express barreled through, shaking the windows and furniture.
I got used to it. Eventually.
The reformed crack addicts, let’s call them Bubba and Charmagne, were a very nice couple who had met and fallen in love at Narcotics Anonymous. Isn’t that a romantic story?
They had a little girl, let’s call her Gwendolyn. When they first moved in, Charmagne and Gwendolyn came over to formally introduce themselves. I have this overwhelming empathy for bored children, so I scoured my childless (and therefore toyless) house for Gwendolyn and all I could find was my semi-prized Cabbage Patch Doll. This was around 1990 or so and as some of you well know, the Cabbage Patch doll was the Wii of the 80s.
My doll was named Magdelena Something with blonde hair and hazel eyes. She looked a lot like this:
She wasn’t “mint in box”, but she wasn’t dog-eared either. My hands hovered over the doll on my guest room bed, as I hesitated to allow this child to play with it. I was sure she wouldn’t rip it to shreds, but I hadn’t meant for it to be played with, really.
It’s only a doll, I told myself. It’s not like she’ll pee on it or anything. Will she? I forced myself out to the living room where they still stood there politely not touching anything. See? Everything’s fine.
I held up Magdalena and little Gwendolyn’s eyes widened. Her cute, pouty lips spread into a smile.
Score! She likes it. That’ll keep her busy while the mom and I chat.
“Here you go,” I said, handing Magdalena and her hazel eyes, to little Gwendolyn.
“Wow.” said Charmagne. “Oh, she loves Cabbage Patch dolls. She’s never had one. What do you say?”
I stood there with a smile frozen on my face.
Oh no! It’s not a gift! You’re just supposed to play with it while you visited here. But how do I say that with out sounding like a jerk?
“THANK YOU!” said the little girl.
Say something! Maybe, “Well actually…”, or “Oh, I just meant…” No, that won’t work. Hurry! You’re going to lose if you take too long!
I looked at little Gwendolyn’s arms tighten around the doll as she buried her sweet little face in Magdalena’s blonde yarn of hair. Gently, through semi-gritted teeth, I said:
“You’re welcome.”
Midlife Slices gave Nanny Goats a Christmas gift the other day. It’s a Gift card!
That’s FIFTY-SEVEN pairs of panties, ladies. Also? She sent me a catalog for me to peruse from the privacy and comfort of my own home:
And the best part? Now Nanny Goats can lounge around the house all day for FIFTY-SEVEN days in a row. Without doing laundry. Woo-Hoo! Thank you, Midlife Slices. You rock!
I am “wow-ed” by your blog. We raise goats, so naturally I would like your blog name and the pictures are awesome. I would love to have the Victoria Secret one. I watched the video and fail to see what is causing all the fuss. Keep on doing what you do best…writing. Come and see me, but I am not very funny.
Awww! I’d of done the same thing! Hard to say no to a little kids face that is lit up w/ happiness!
Ah hellz to the nah!
I would have drop kicked Gwen for my CPD! I’m a tomboy, never even like dolls but that thing cost my parents a trillion dollars I think, so yeah I would have drop kicked the crack baby… where is my CPD I wonder… hmm… did you eat it Nanny!?!
Wow, you are a stronger person than me, I don’t even know if i could hand my CPK over to my own kids!
Buuutttt…yeah, it was probably the best, most generous gift she ever got.
Welcome to sainthood:)
oh my GOSH! how awful. what a predicament! i am pretty sure i would have snatched it back from her though so you are a much better nannie than me…
smiles, bee
xxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Wow, I think I’d really like some goat lingerie. Sooo sexy, don’t you think?
I found your blog in the BlogHer Books blogs listings and, well, you know, the title. Had to click. Very funny blog! Hope you’ll keep posting often. Have added you to my list of daily reads.
Did that once myself. Lost all my smurf action figures to a kid of a friend of a friend. The child had nothing. Still, I don’t even remember the name of the family I gave them to. And I’m sure by now they’ve been peed on and then thrown in the trash.
You’re a good egg.
Ah, proof of just how LOVELY you are! 🙂
BEEN THERE DONE THAT.DON’T IT JUST MAKE YA MAD TO BE SO NICE SOMETIMES?…ANN
That was a very poignant story, for you. 🙂 I loved it!
You know that cabbage patch doll surprise gift landed you huge karma points. The next beautiful sunrise is for you, baby.
On the 57 undies… I’m just grateful there wasn’t a picture of goats in thongs on the blog. We’d so be shut down…
Oh, you are such a GOOD person…I know that was hard. Somewhere down the road you are going to be paid back a thousand times over, I just know it! Susan
So hot! Blicky left you something under the tree too. No need to post about it though!
Oh, come on now don’t let the fact they live next door stop you from ripping it from her tiny hands and running to hide in your room.
Ok I guess it was REALLY nice of you to suck it up and hand it over…
You had to give your cabbage patch doll away! Oh, Man! That mother has a few screws loosened by drugs – why would she ever imagine in a million years that you would give your Cabbage Patch doll away! Especially when Magdalena had her own bedroom and everything!
I actually read this story yesterday but I was so traumatized I never even left a comment, I just wandered off and took a nap.
Don’t fret. As an auctioneer and appraiser I can tell you that Cabbage Patch dolls aren’t worth squat. Maybe you lost a memory, but not money.
But did you learn a lesson?
I just stumbled across your blog and feel like I need to give you a hug. I NEVER got a Cabbage Patch and always wanted one. So the thought of you giving it up like that brings a small tear to my eye.
Awwwwwww….that was kind of you to grin and bear it and give up the “Wii of the 80s” (such a funny analogy but true). What would you do with it anyway…really?
And have fun lounging in your nanny goat panties for 57 days! Sounds like heaven!
This reminds me of when Ma made Laura give her corn cob doll to that nasty child in the Little House books. Not that I still carry scars from that story or anything.
What I’d give for a Cabbage Patch. Do you have any more?
kids melt us down!
oops!
you do have a way of making us laugh, and plan ahead! 🙂
OMG, I think we’re NEIGHBORS!!!
And just seeing that cabbage patch doll makes my heart skip a beat in that familiar: I need one! I need one now! Now! Now! Now!!! pattern. Talk about crack.
I’m glad they were reformed crackheads; I would hate to think of Magdalena the Cabbage Patch Doll spiraling downward into a life of addiction.
They were once MY neighbors – I wondered were they had moved to. Gwendolyn made off with MY talking Scooby Doo.
57 panties – 1 pair per week and a few to spare!
You are such a sweetheart.
Does that mean you are now “kid” friendly – sorry just “kidding”.
Seriously though the goat in lingerie was flippin hilarious.
I can so relate to the railroad tracks and crackhead neighbors. I used to live in an apartment in Kansas City. The train went by every 20 minutes. Unfortunately we also lived next to a road so the train also blew it’s horn every 20 minutes.
Way to be nice about the doll. It’ll pay off with Karma.
You’re such a great writer. I love this post. I can just imagine being in this situation. Ouch!
And, we were on the same wave length with the whole train thing…only my train was choo-chooing away in my head. 🙂
I can’t believe you gave the spawn of two crack-addicts your Cabbage Patch Doll!!! That doll will have powder coming out of her nose and needle marks on her arms in no time!! Poor thing…
p.s. I had the same Cabbage Patch doll when I was little, I wonder where she is….hmmm.
That little girl will never forget that and neither will you!
If her mom was a crack head, no way she could ever have afforded that and probably felt bad for using all the $$ on dope. You did a remarkably unselfish thing and outside of the original box, those dolls are worth nothing, in case you were wondering.
Ha haaa!!!!!!!!!
I love this blog 🙂
But…but….but…those panties were for the…..
o.k. I’m glad you liked them. Wear them proudly.
Dude, you totally need to track down Gwendolyn and get the damn doll back.
I’ve never had 57 pairs of undies. That’s impressive.
No Way! Shut. Up. And Get Out!
She totally hijacked your cabbage patch doll!
BTW: I find your blog to be very entertaining.
Shut! Up! She totally hijacked your cabbage patch doll! So. Not. Cool.
BTW: Your blog is very entertaining.
Been there, done that… well… the railroad tracks anyways.
I had a top floor apartment in a building that was 2 blocks away from the railway… 3 tracks. a train passed through every 4 hours.
It… was awesome!!
haha…I hate it when stuff like that happens! Why would you give a stranger a gift the first time you met them?! Crazy!
Aw. You couldn’t possibly have said anything about your beloved Cabbage Patch doll. You made that little girl so happy.
And you made me a little sick to my stomach with that goat-in-underwear picture. OK, it’s lingerie, but still.
I never had a Cabbage Patch doll. I was probably way too old for them when they came out and I don’t stand in lines for anything. I hope little Gwendolyn appreciated your “gift” and her mom needs a good slap upside the head for jumping on the gift bandwagon so quickly. But, you did the right thing even if it has caused you bitterness and pain all these many years. I don’t know about Karma but 57 days without laundering your undies sounds like heaven to me!
Ah, learn to phrase your offerings better. You should have said something like, “I’ll let you play with this for a little bit if you take very good care of it.” No confusion there. But it was sweet of you not to say something.
I got my daughter several Cabbage Patch dolls when she was little. Since she never took care of any of her toys, I wrapped them up and left them under the tree with my name on it from Santa. I opened them Christmas morning and exclaimed, “Look what Santa gave me!” Needless to say, Heather was very disappointed that I got them and she didn’t so I told her she could hold them for me, if and only if, she remembered they were mine and took care of them. That lasted until she was about 13 and finally figured out I had put a fast one by her. I’m an awful dad, aren’t I? But it worked, they stayed nice.
^me
Awwww…you probably made that little girl’s day or week or lifetime.. depending on how her family life was. I bet next time, if there ever is a next time, you will start by saying, “let me go get something for you to play with while you’re here”. 🙂
Ummm, and sorry, but seeing you in that lingerie was a bit TMI! Congrats on the panties though. 😀
I taught myself to braid in that doll’s hair. Mine was named P.G. Not P.J.
You rock for letting her have it.
I’ve had the reverse happen. I was little. Had my gorgeous Miss Piggy doll with me. Went and visited a couple my parents were friends with. She has sun room stuffed to the gills with dolls & stuffed animals. We’re not allowed to touch any. Mind you they’re all filthy and a mess. She keeps eye-balling my pristine, and beloved Miss Piggy. Says how much she likes it, wishes she had one. I grip her tighter. She’s relentless. Parents make me give it to her.
Cried for days.
My old loft faced train tracks. As in I could’ve touched the trains with a 10 foot pole. Okay, maybe 20. And the conductors *loved* blowing their horns extra loud during their 3 am passes. Yup – got used to it.
I’m thinking there should be a Victorian’s Secret “Angels with Hooves” goatapalooza runway show.
I know I’d watch it!
My dogma says that karma will not run over your goatma in the long term. You did something really incredible. You’ll get something greater in the end. You’ve always had my friendship and respect, but your stock just went up a couple points this morning. Good for you!
Oh no! I’m dying doing the sympathy laugh thing. Bubba and Champagne? I love the names you choose!
I think you’re a saint for giving up the doll- I don’t know that I could have done it!
xo
Awww. That was probably the best gift she ever got. She probably still remembers you to this day. Today is your day I guess. I, too, have a surprise for you on my blog. Hope you enjoy!
that was very touching and extremely generous, but i would have snuck into their crack house in the middle of the night and took back what was MINE!!! if the train’s running, they wouldn’t hear a thing!
just kidding… 😉
Wow NGIP. I am impressed. I don’t know if I could have done that. That was awesome.
Now, when you get a Wii? Will you tell me? My boys are dying to have one and they have NEVER had one before.
Just think big, brown, doelike eyes, begging and pleading.
Thanks in advance! *wink*
That little girl probably has never had her own doll – you did a wonderful thing…maybe she can avoid the pitfalls of crack addiction just because of you…
you deserve 100 pair of nanny panties!
She will remember that doll forever…I think you will too!
My mother is/was a heroin addict when I was a small child and a woman once showed me great kindness that impacted my life forever! You did a great thing my dear…wear all those panties in good health!
Awww, that was such a (bitter) sweet story. 🙂
Oh no! Well, hopefully all of those new pantaloons will soften the blow of losing your doll a little bit. I had one of those Cabbage critters, and can’t for the life of me recall what happened to it! At least you know the fate of yours….that might help….
Awwwww, Nanny Goats!
When you set off the bells of her heart some little angel got it’s wings…
57 days of panties? Some people get all the luck.
Sorry about Magdalena.
Karma will reward you with a new cabbage patch doll one day.
I’ve left you some bloggy love over at my place today!
You may be bitter, but you’re the first goat I’ve ever met with a heart of gold.
Enjoy those panties!
That child will remember you forever as being the best neighbor EVER. I seriously doubt that she ever got a Cabbage Patch doll from any other neighbor.
Feeling down in the mouth? Visit Nanny Goats in Panties. Yes, you are bag balm to my weary soul.
Mags, you did a really nice thing for that girl. Even is she peed on it, threw the cabbage doll under a bus or turned it into a voodoo doll of her crackhead mama, the kindness you showed her (grit and all) just comes back to you.
Don’t mean to get all granola head new agey wishy-washy on your goatness but it’s good to be good.
Now back to our (your) regularly scheduled program of silliness and goat-foolery.
Giggle On!
You know, I teared up, too. I think it’s amazing that you were able to let go of the doll for the little girl. I don’t know that I could give up mine…
I shall forever look up to you, Nanny. (and giggle as I think of those 57 pairs of panties! teehee!)
You’re a good goat. There’s some good Karma to be found after giving such a precious gift.
Maybe 57 pairs of panties awarded to you?
The goat is hawt!
i would have ripped that CP doll from little Gwen’s arms! LOL
She’s probably gotten peed on by now. Sorry.
I just loved the post. (I had a cabbage patch myself.)
It almost brought a tear to my eye, until I saw the damn goat in lingerie………
I love the title. Bitter, party of one! Enjoy the undies!
Oh! Congrats – hope you enjoy your nanny bloomers!
And what a sweet story about the doll. So generous of you.
I’m proud of you for gritting your teeth and not saying anything as you gave away Magdalena whatshername. 😉
PS. I have a little award for you on my blog. 🙂