Thursday, November 27, 2008
NFL Thanksgiving: What's Your Team Thankful For?
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Arizona Cardinals: Modern medicine
Without modern medicine, their elderly starting quarterback wouldn't be an MVP candidate, he'd be a nursing home candidate. Kurt Warner has been so good this season, it's hard to imagine that he once backed up Eli Manning, was benched for Marc Bulger, and had to fight to win his current job from Matt Leinart.
Atlanta Falcons: The criminal justice system
Think about this. Had Michael Vick not been arrested for dog fighting, Matt Ryan never would have been drafted, Mike Smith wouldn't be their bright new head coach, Thomas Dimitroff might not be their GM, and Bobby Petrino would probably still be their head coach.
Seriously, in retrospect, the Falcons have a ton to be thankful for.
Baltimore Ravens: Ed Reed
I can't even make a joke here. I'm too scared of Ray Lewis.
The fact that people like Bob Sanders enough to forget that Ed Reed is 10-times the player Sanders will ever be is beyond me. Bob Sanders couldn't hold Ed Reed's jock.
Buffalo Bills: Canadian transfer rate
The Bills get to go play in Toronto on December 7th against the Dolphins. Thanks to the transfer rate, their American money will buy them as many strippers as they require to get themselves through the boring Canadian weekend.
Carolina Panthers: Anger management courses
Am I the only one who thought their season was over when Steve Smith went crazy and beat the snot out of Ken Lucas in the preseason? The fact that they've been able to keep his temper in-check all season, especially considering how bad their passing game has been the last few weeks, is extremely surprising.
Steve Smith is insane. Insanely talented, but also completely insane.
Chicago Bears: Rex Grossman
Without Sexy Rexy, the Bears would never truly appreciate what they have in Kyle Orton. He's had a few down weeks since his injury, but Orton is the real deal.
Cincinnati Bengals: NFL overtime rules
Does anyone doubt that the Bengals would have eventually figured out how to lose that game against the Eagles had time not run out? Thanks to the NFL's stupid overtime rules, the Bengals have one less loss this season.
Cleveland Browns: The Dawg Pound
The Browns are terrible. They have been since they re-entered the league. Any other group of fans, except probably Oakland, would have given up on this team years ago.
The Browns, their coaching staff, their front office, and their players don't deserve such great and loyal fans.
Dallas Cowboys: Jessica Simpson's dad
The Cowboys should be thankful that Jessica Simpson's dad hasn't allowed Tony Romo to have enough time alone with his daughter to allow the stupid to rub off on him. Stupid is contagious. It's only a matter of time before Romo is infected.
Denver Broncos: The AFC West
The Broncos are terrible. The rest of the AFC West is even worse. If they played in any other division, they'd be staring last place in the face. Well, except the NFC North.
Detroit Lions: The progressive commissioner's office
At some point, maybe next season, the Detroit Lions will have their Thanksgiving day game stripped from them. The current NFL commissioner's office holds what's right for the league in higher regard than history and tradition. So the Lions will finall get to enjoy a Thanksgiving dinner home, and we'll finally get to enjoy real NFL football in their place.
It's a win-win.
Green Bay Packers: Aaron Rodgers
Any other young quarterback would have folded under the pressure. Not only is he replacing a legend, but he's replacing a legend who's currently enjoying a career year on another team. Add to that the expectations that last year's 13-3 season brought, it's amazing he hasn't curled into a ball and cried himself to sleep.
Houston Texans: Charley Casserly
He was practically run out of Houston, but take a look at his last draft. Mario Williams over Reggie Bush probably cost him his job, but in retrospect, it was a tremendously ballsy (and correct) decision. DeMeco Ryans in the second round was a steal. Owen Daniels was a solid fourth round pick.
He was right, everyone else was wrong. Just ask him.
Indianapolis Colts: Bill Belichick
Without Bill Belichick, Peyton Manning never would have learned to be a real NFL quarterback. Prior to Belichick getting into his head, Manning survived on talent and arm strength alone. Belichick defenses forced him to take his game to another level.
Belichick's inability to find anyone who can play cornerback or a linebacker who can cover a tight-end transformed Manning into a Super Bowl quarterback.
As an aside, Peyton Manning might be the best actor in the NFL. His commercials are gold.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Small media markets
Where they in a large media market, their disappointing season this year would be all anyone wants to talk about. Because they play in Jacksonville, they've been allowed to disappoint in utter obscurity.
Kansas City Chiefs: Arrowhead Stadium
Imagine how bad the Chiefs would be if they didn't play in the most intimidating stadium in the NFL? Herm Edwards needs all the help he can get...
Miami Dolphins: Bill Parcells
This one was obvious. But not because Parcells did any voodoo magic to fix the team. It's because of the people he brought in to fix the team. Parcells is a figure head, nothing more. The guys he brought in, Jeff Ireland and Tony Sparano, are the reason the Fish are back in the playoff chase only one year removed from 1-15.
Minnesota Vikings: Eagles incompetence
Thanks to the Philadelphia Eagles' incompetence, Donovan McNabb will likely be available this offseason. Which means the Vikings will have their pick of either Donovan McNabb or Matt Cassel this offseason.
So long, Tarvaris.
New England Patriots: Scott Pioli
Tom Brady in the sixth round? Probably luck. Matt Cassel in the seventh round? Wait, are we seeing a pattern?
Nobody gets this lucky. Nobody. Scott Pioli, or whoever the Patriots have scouting quarterbacks, is a friggin' genius. Interchangeable MVP caliber quarterbacks, both drafted in the sixth round or later? Good grief.
New Orleans Saints: NFL's emphasis on defensive pass interference
The Saints can do one thing well, and that's throw the ball. They can't run the ball. They can't stop teams from running the ball. They can't stop teams from passing the ball. So every time the NFL makes it tougher on defenses (read: whenever the Colts complain), it helps the Saints.
New York Giants: Nepotism
Let's be honest. If his last name wasn't Manning, Eli never would have been drafted first overall. Had he not been drafted first overall, the Giants likely wouldn't have stuck with him as long as they did given how badly he struggled early in his career. Now he's a Super Bowl MVP who is completely unstoppable in the fourth quarter of close games.
New York Jets: That Favre is a prima donna
If Brett Favre weren't a me-first prima donna, he'd likely still be the quarterback in Green Bay. If he didn't feel the need to make every offseason about his potential retirement, so he could ride in come preseason like a Wrangler jeans wearing cowboy and save the day, the Packers wouldn't have tired of his act. They never would have traded him. And the Jets would still be Chad Pennington's team.
Come to think of it, maybe the Dolphins should be thankful for this one, as well.
Oakland Raiders: ...
The Oakland Raiders, and their fans, have absolutely nothing to be thankful for. I guess they have their health, but the healthier they are, the longer they'll have to suffer through Al Davis' incompetence.
Philadelphia Eagles: The Phillies
You think Eagle fans are tough now, imagine how ticked off they'd be if the Phillies hadn't won a World Series a month ago? That said, I give them until the middle of December before they're back to their normal, everyone-hating selves again.
Pittsburgh Steelers: The Bengals and Browns
The last few seasons, either the Bengals or the Browns have been in position to overtake the Steelers in the AFC North. But both teams are so insanely incompetent, that every time they get close they take 15 steps back and the Steelers remain on top.
San Diego Chargers: The first 58 minutes of a game
The Chargers are the best team in the NFL for 58 minutes of just about every game. The problem is, they have to play the last two minutes. If they were a baseball team, they'd be praying for rain after every eighth inning. Their defense is the Joe Borowski of the NFL.
San Francisco 49ers: Al Davis and the Oakland Raiders
As long as Al Davis is alive, the 49ers will always be the best professional football team in the bay area. Unless you count USC.
Seattle Seahawks: Comfortable seats on airplanes
The Seahawks are on airplanes longer than any other team in the NFL. They fly to the East Coast four times this season. And it's not like Arizona, St. Louis, and Dallas are short flights, either.
Imagine being a two-win team, and having to do all that flying in coach. No thanks.
St. Louis Rams: The Detroit Lions
Just remember, it could always be worse. Not much worse, but worse.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Smoke and mirrors
Without smoke and mirrors, the Bucs would never be a first place football team. Jon Gruden is a magician. Even David Copperfield couldn't pull off a trick this impressive.
Tennessee Titans: Losing a game in the regular season
Just ask the Patriots. An undefeated regular season isn't all it's cracked up to be. Plus, if the 2007 New England Patriots couldn't handle the pressure, there's no way the 2008 Titans could have handled it.
Washington Redskins: Coach Gibbs' retirement
Let's be honest. The game had passed him by. He was employed on reputation alone. Jim Zorn might turn out to be a great head coach, but he's already an improvement over the guy he replaced.
Sean Crowe: Family and friends
Personally, I'm thankful for my children, my wife, their health, my health, and all of my friends and family.
Have a happy and safe Thanksgiving.
Sean Crowe is the New England Patriots Examiner at Examiner.com. He writes a column every other Thursday for Sports Central. You can email him at [email protected].
Go ahead and buy a dictionary and look up primadonna. It certainly doesn't fit as a description of Favre. He was treated like trash by the enormously egotistical Ted Thompson. It only takes a little effort to determine that the sliming of Favre was orchestrated by fake stories leaked by the Packers and the whining of the Favre haters. Look for the Packers to fail for a very long time.