In Which I Get A Baby Drunk

We have changed over to buying organic foods whenever we can. While I no longer worry about serving a side of pus, antibiotics, pesticides, or preservatives to my children, organic juice opens an entirely new door of uncertainty.

Like most toddlers, my 2 year old Monkey Boy will leave sippy cups full of milk or juice anywhere and everywhere throughout the house. Two days later he'll come toddling into the room with the cup of nastiness. Nevermind the "ick" factor, do you know what happens to old juice with no preservatives? Homemade wine baby.

So I find myself scouring the house, counting sippy cups, stalking the baby, hoping against hope that I find that fermented juice before the Monkey Butt does. Because do you know how embarassing it would be for The Nurse and the Respiratory Therapist to bring their drunk kid into the ER?

DUDE. Let's not go there.

This now brings to mind a patient I had years ago. Mom found baby sitting on the kitchen floor next to a bottle of floor cleaner. Baby naturally is licking the cap like a tootsie pop.

We had no clue how much she drank (if any) so we treat her as though she'd downed the entire bottle. The MD called Poison Control as they are up to date on all ingredients in cleaners and such, as well as the best modes of treatment. They tell him that the antidote to the harmful ingredient in this particular floor cleaner is alcohol. Yes, alcohol. As in: "get that baby a margarita, STAT".

Drawing upon my extensive bartending skills, I fixed the 1 year old infant a screwdriver.

She sucked it down like a seasoned barfly.

Naturally that's when poison control called back and said "whoops!!".

The month before the company had changed the formula, and the cleaner was completely benign.

The only medical concern now was that we had given the kid a bottle full of vodka (actually it was more like a quarter ounce, but still).

Now clearly, you don't get a baby hammered and then send her home with a couple of illegible phone numbers and the promise "I'll call you tomorrow". She was admitted to the Acute Care Unit until her blood alcohol level decreased to zero. We admitted the infant until her blood alcohol level reached zero. Even writing that as an order was surreal.

The situation was tense. There is after all, a reason Absolut doesn't come with bottle nipple adaptors. Evidently Vodka + babies isn't a positive combination. I must say though, despite the very real concerns regarding an intoxicated infant, that watching this poor little drunk baby more than a little entertaining. This was one happy drunk! God love her in her little jammies and pigtails. She'd stand up, she'd fall right back down again, and then laugh like there was no tomorrow. Her parents, the pediatrician, and myself are all standing in her room trying to have a serious conversation about her condition. Meanwhile she's bouncing around in her crib, making animal sounds at the top of her lungs and giggling hysterically. Thankfully her parents were very understanding, and through the concern for their daughter, were able to see the humor in the situation. Baby girl finally went to sleep, and was able to go home perfectly healthy in a matter of hours. No thanks to us.