moms are for everyone!

Grace Inward.

2008-07-24T13:57:00.006-05:00

As the thought of another wonderful child looms, I hold him tighter. I wrestle longer. I watch harder. I try to memorize today and yesterday and the one before that. In a few short months, it will no longer be just me and him. He will have to share me. I will have to share him. My two ears will not be tuned to him in the 100% way they are now. Right now, he commands center stage. And he knows it.

Ezra spontanteously tells me that he LOOOVES ME at least 100 times a day. Pretty much any time there is a lull in the conversation. I scoop these words up and marinate in them- because like the lady at his school often reminds me- there will come a day when those words won't fall quite so easily from his lips.

That's what I'm doing these days. Marinating in the time spent with my boy. Soaking him up.

I had a friend tell me the other day that she feels like she doesn't even know her son like she used to since the new baby came along. Because they no longer get those one-on-one moments that used to make up their entire days.

The thought is somewhat terrifying. What silly jokes will I miss? What songs will slip past my ears? What quiet observations will go unheard? Will I be enough mom for the one and the two? Will my fragile patience survive the blow?

There will be a lot of letting go. And I know that it will be good for all of us. Like pruning a bush to make room for new growth.

There will need to be an abundance of Grace. Mostly for myself. Grace inward. Because I need to let go of the idea that I can be all things for everyone at all times. I can't be. Even for my two children- I can't be it all. I can be me right here and now and that's about it, yes? I think that's what Grace means. Allowing yourself to be you now... not frantically trying to get to the you of tomorrow, or bogging yourself down with the you of the past... Just... You. Right now.

Grace.

There is definetly new life headed our way. And it's so easy to forget that life and death are often one-in-the-same and marching towards you hand-in hand. With this new life will come the death of the way it has been. But if we didn't prune back and change every now and again, where would we be?

Overgrown. Supressing life. Unhealthy and wild... full of old branches that do nothing but suffocate. (Like those shrubs of mine out front. Ahem.)

Pruning is painful! I can feel the shears preparing for the cut already. I'm wincing, but I'm ready. I'm ready for the growth that will come from the loss. And I trust that God is preparing Ezra in the same way He's preparing his momma... Gently. With compassion and understanding. A kind gardener at work.

Self Sabotage.

2008-07-22T14:39:00.004-05:00

The heat has zapped my brain and the most creative thought I've had all day was, "I wonder if those weeds out front will scorch and die on their own, or if I'll have to eventually haul myself outside to pluck them manually?"

I am admittedly NOT a Summer time person, and the heat-induced lock down syndrome is starting to take it's toll on my emotional state. The days are filled with TV and air conditioning and attempting to play with Ezra while every fiber of my being is fighting it. There have been many naps on Ezra's floor whilst in mid-play. Luckily, my boy lets me rest when that happens- for 10 minutes or so.

Then he jumps on me.

I haven't done anything remotely productive in weeks except for yesterday when I finally cleaned my floors.

It's hard not to slip into a funk when the sun takes over my life. I start to feel like a caged animal. Meanwhile, my poor husband is outside all day everyday- scaling roofs and painting eaves while the sun is slowly turning his skin a darker color than it has ever known before. Despite the SPF 50.

Frazzled, I am.

And I'm starting to realize that soon and very soon? There will be TWO humans in my care. Say whaaa?!? (Insert mild panic attack here.)

The things that I know would help me are the very things I fight. Planned activity. Staying productive- cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping. Calling friends. GETING DRESSED IN THE MORNINGS. Reading my bible. These are the things that usually help me. These are the things that I do not do. (Self sabotage!)

Instead I laze around and give the sun the evil eye out the window. And wait for the clouds to come rescue me.

Any one know of a cure for the Summer time blues?

When the Options are Few.

2008-07-18T09:21:00.009-05:00

"Morning."

"Night."

Thank you all for your kind words yesterday. They helped me.

I am going to try a different midwife next month (in the same practice as the other) and see if I can get along better with her personality. There are four midwives to meet within the practice, so I am hoping the other three are more compatible with Chris and I. Here's the kicker, though: whoever is "on call" when you go into labor is who will show up at your birth. So, I have to decide if it's even worth having a 1 in 4 chance of having the blah midwife at my labor & delivery, or if I should find some other practice all together.

The options are very few here in the state of Oklahoma, however. There are NO birthing centers, and only 3 groups of midwives within the entire area. (A metro area which holds 1,000,000 people.) There are the midwives at OU (who I saw yesterday), another group in south OKC (homebirths only) that I've been told to stay away from by a friend, and one last group down in a town called Norman- which is just a tiny bit too far away for my liking.

I feel a bit lost at this point, but I know that I will know the right thing to do when the time comes. I trust myself enough to believe that. So, I will continue to explore my options and wait for my gut feeling to tell me what to do. And educate myself. That's all I can really do at this point!

Thirteen weeks- second trimester here I come!

Ezra has decided that he wants a baby sister, and he's even chosen two names that he likes. If it's a girl, he either wants to name her "Uncle David" or "Dada".

Uhhh...

Recent weird pregnancy symptoms: A bloody nose everyday (I NEVER get these normally), and lots of shedding. My hair is EVERYWHERE. It seems to be falling out constantly. Hopefully I will not be bald before the 9 months is over... That would put a bit of a damper on Operation: Grow Hair, I think.

Today's agenda: make dinner for a friend who recently had a baby (chicken enchiladas I'm thinking), do lots of laundry, and practice the songs I'll be leading at church on Sunday. Ezra is home from VBS today with a cold, so he'll be my partner in crime today. Stick em' up!

What We Do Know: There's A Baby in There.

2008-07-17T14:58:00.004-05:00

I had my very first baby appointment this morning and it was... somewhat anticlimactic. After waiting nearly 13 weeks to have the appointment, there was very little to come away with.

The facilities were super nice and the nurse was great. The midwife was not at all friendly or personable, so I will not be seeing her again. I've switched to a different midwife in the practice for my prenatal care- one that came highly recommended from some friends.

She asked me a million questions today and then did all the lovely exams that we women dread. Without any warning, she pulled out the Doppler and started trying to find the baby's heartbeat. After a couple minutes, she found it- the room filled with the swishing of life as Chris and I looked at each other and smiled from ear to ear. The midwife didn't say one single word, turned the machine off, and went on to the next round of questions.

Lovely. Buzzkill.

I had to go downstairs and get blood work done, and my arm is still throbbing hours later. I hate getting blood taken! It always hurts me so much. I feel poked and prodded. And queasy and tired.

So, no ultrasounds to share and no news to report. I could only hear one heartbeat, but she didn't take much time to listen, and they say it's very hard to tell if there's more than one babe just by listening. But I'm about 99% convinced there's only one in there at this point. There's just got to be one.

I'm feeling a little bit disappointed.... I don't really know what I was expecting. I think the blah midwife took the wind out of my sails, and I'm wondering if we've made the right decision by choosing to go with the midwives at OU. I'm still having trouble with the insurance after making TWO trips down to the office to get things figured out, and things just aren't going as smoothly as I would have liked them to go.

I'm realizing more and more what excellent care I had in California. That state has their act together apparently. Are my standards just too high from my experience there? Maybe. Maybe I'm just expecting too much and need to let go of "my ideal" a little.

All in all, I know everything is fine, and everything will turn out just fine. I'm just feeling a little down, and three months of feeling awful just seem to compound these disappointments. I'm SO ready to feel like myself again... to not feel like I'm letting everyone around me down. This pregnancy has been much harder on me than my first so far, but I'm trying to keep my spirits up and not complain too much. I guess I'm just... tired.

It's hard to be your old self when you just don't feel like her.

Undies.

2008-07-16T11:09:00.005-05:00

Yesterday, I picked Ezra up from VBS and decided to take him somewhere fun for lunch. We love Wendy's, so we headed there for his chicken nuggets and oranges and milk. He ate like a champ, and I was so proud of him that I told him we could get a Frosty.

There was a long line of people in front of us, so we waited patiently for our turn at the counter. Ezra was getting antsy, as any three and a half year old would do when he was aware that ice cream was only moments away.

That's when it happened.

Out of NOWHERE he stuck his hand up my skirt and yelled, "WHERE ARE YOU UNDIES, MAMA???!"

Needless to say, I am dead from the embarrassment. Totally dead.

(And YES, I was wearing undies.)

I may never go to Wendy's again.

VBS and Lettuce Wraps.

2008-07-15T11:25:00.003-05:00

Ezra started VBS (Vacation Bible School) yesterday and he is LOVING it. Something about a beach ball and duck-duck-goose? Apparently these two things are the most bestest things that have ever occurred in his young life. He gets so excited when he talks about it that his voice raises to the level of a scream... you know, just in case I can't hear him from where I sit two feet away. Gah... it's hilarious.

I am also loving life because I have my mornings to myself for FIVE WHOLE DAYS in a row! Yesterday I went to Target and tried to spend more of my birthday money. Wee! I considered this shopping trip my 'exercise' for the day, because... well, I was walking, right? Or was it more like sauntering? Sauntering is totally exercise. Let it be known.

Today was less glamorous, however, due to the fact that my midwife's office called and said that I am STILL not cleared for insurance even though I should have been cleared weeks ago. Apparently, the insurance place lost the paper that was the documentation of my pregnancy, so my account is still 'pending'.

Today, I drove all the way up to my regular family physician's office to get another copy of that documentation. Then I drove allll the way down to the County Human Services Department (eek.) to drop them off. There was over an hour's wait to see anyone, so I will be going back down there again tomorrow at 8:00 AM to try and get this sorted out before my appointment on Thursday. There is NO WAY I am waiting another month to see someone due to insurance issues. NO. WAY.

Yesterday I was craving lettuce wraps from Pei Wei, so I drove down there and ordered some at TEN O'CLOCK in the morning. They had just opened their doors and I was the only person eating in the restaurant. I felt silly, but was too excited about the food in front of me to be bothered too much by the employee's opinions of my strange brunch of choice.

I ate ALL of the lettuce wraps but one, and was just thinking to myself how I could've SWORN these used to come with some sort of sauce that made them super yummy (they were a bit dry), when I lifted up the very last piece of lettuce and found the sauce HIDING THERE underneath the lonesome green dome.

I felt dumb.

Then I dumped the whole cup of sauce on my last lettuce wrap, took a huge bite, and was instantly transported to the third tier of heaven.

12 Week Belly Shot.

2008-07-12T19:21:00.001-05:00

Sorry for the poor image quality... but this is me at 12 weeks huge.

A Nurse Caught my Baby.

2008-07-12T11:27:00.003-05:00

Lately I've been thinking about my birthing experience that I had with Ezra, and it suddenly hit me: He was delivered by a NURSE. There was NO doctor or midwife in sight when Ezra decided to show up. It never seemed that weird to me before, but I'm realizing now that it was a pretty unorthodox circumstance. When I've said in the past that I gave birth using a midwife, I guess it's not entirely accurate. My midwife didn't show up until 15 minutes after Ezra was born. The nurses didn't call her in time.

I was a first time mother, so the nurses kept saying, "Oh, honey- you won't be having this baby until tomorrow. Why don't you just go home and labor for awhile?"

When I showed up at the hospital, I was only 1 cm dialated. This was... disappointing. They tried to get me to go home and come back later, but something in my gut (perhaps the rapidly approaching BABY?) was telling me to STAY PUT.

They shoved me in a crappy room and ignored me for awhile.

Finally, my friend (really, she was amazing and should be a professional Doula) went and got the nurse and demanded that they check me again. The nurse kindof rolled her eyes and slapped on some gloves. They were busy that night. She had more pressing issues to tend to.

When they checked me again, about an hour later, I was four centimeters dialated. Within another hour, I was at seven.

I was only in labor for five or six hours total. I pushed twice, and Ezra was born.

There was mass chaos in the room when he came. The extremely flustered nurse caught him (after telling me not to push {YEAH RIGHT} because the midwife wasn't there yet) and then she cut the umbilical cord before anyone knew what happened and she disappeared around the partition with Ezra to clean him off. I remember asking, "Is it a boy? What is it? Where'd he go?"

Ezra was crying like a mofo. After a couple short minutes, they brought him to me so I could nurse him.

My midwife showed up about 10 minutes later, and she was pretty upset that they hadn't called her in time. She stitched me up because I tore a little bit, and that was the extent of her involvement in my labor.

I'm realizing that this time around, it could be a totally different experience. Maybe this time around, I will have a midwife by my side through the whole process. I wonder how that will change things. I think about myself when I had Ezra: I had no idea what I was doing, and I just had to figure it out pretty much on my own. If it hadn't been for my friend and Chris being there to help me, I probably wouldn't have been able to do it naturally. I needed that support.

I feel so much more prepared this time around. And I'm so excited to give birth again! Hopefully this time I will actually get to have a 'midwife guided labor' instead of a 'Holy crap! Nurse! Catch the baby!' type experience.

I imagine every birth that a woman has is incredibly different, so I don't have too many expectations at this point. I'd love for another short and easy labor, but I'd be unwise to expect that and then not be prepared if this labor is much longer or more difficult. (Did any of you have a more difficult labor the second or third time around? They always say your labor gets progressivly quicker with every child, but I'm sure that's not true for everyone...)

I'm trying to educate myself as if I've never done this before. So, Chris and I will be joining my neighbor's Bradley Birthing Method class on Mondays, starting this coming week, and I'm really excited about it! I think it wil be really helpful for us.

Have any of you taken Bradley classes? What was your experience with it?

My first prenatal appointment is actually the 17th, not the 19th like I thought, which is this Thursday. I CAN'T WAIT!! Surely there's only one baby in there... right??

THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME.

My 26th Birthday.

2008-07-07T11:30:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was fantastic! I woke up feeling great- and I felt great all day long until right after dinner (of which I ate way too much) and then I started feeling nauseous again. But I felt totally fine for all my birthday activities! God totally provided for me and answered my prayers. A whole day of relief! On my birthday! It was a TOTAL blessing.

Here's a quick photo recap of the day:

We woke up really early to get to the lake before the crowds. This is Ezra enjoying his breakfast before we left. He's so dang handsome.

This is all of us in the boat (minus Jared- he was off parking the boat trailer). It was so beauitful and the air was so crisp. I miss crisp air. There's not much of it in Oklahoma due to all the humidity.

Me and Ezra. Ezra thought the boat was awesome. And so did I.

We found a small cove and anchored the boat just offshore. This beach was beautiful and perfect for a day of lounging. It was smoky from all the CA fires, but not as bad as it has been.

Jared, Kristy, Ezra, and I took the boat back out after awhile and went 'Wake Surfing' which is similar to wakeboarding except you aren't strapped to the board. And the theory is that once you get into the right place in the wake you can LET GO OF THE TOW ROPE and just continue to surf behind the continuous wave of the boat's wake. I never got to the place where I could let go of the rope, but it was a total blast and the water felt SO SO good. Totally refreshing.

Ezra liked climbing UP the rocks, but he depended on Jared as his ride back down them.

Ezra was such a good boy all day. I loved watching him climb and explore. I borrowed my mommy's swimsuit because mine was suddenly MUCH too tight around the midsection. Ahem.

After we got home, we showered and napped and then everyone came over for the yummiest BBQ dinner on record. I opened some presents and got lots of great maternity stuff (that Ezra picked out himself), a gift card to Old Navy (for more maternity goodness), a vintage copy of 'Grapes Of Wrath' by Steinbeck, and a collection of short stories by Roald Dahl. Great gifts!!!

After dinner I started to feel yucky again, so I went to bed early and slept like a rock. (Assuming rocks sleep.)

It was an amazing and perfect birthday. (Well, if Chris could have been here it would have been totally perfect. I missssss himmm!!)

Now... uh... On with the 26-ed-ness!

Sicky Face.

2008-07-05T17:18:00.003-05:00

It seems I've come down with something. I've been laid flat for the last day and a half. Sore throat, fever, headache, body aches, congestion, and unending nausea. I have no idea where the sickness begins and where the pregnancy symptoms end at this point. Every time I sit upright I feel like I'm going to puke.

This happens every time I come to Reno.

This morning I was feeling a bit better, so Ezra and I went for a walk with my brother and his wife and my mom. We drove up to the meadows which are just below Lake Tahoe. It was a gorgeous day and the fresh air felt good, but on the way home I felt the nausea creeping in again and it hasn't left since.

Miserable, I tell you.

I'm hoping I will feel better by tomorrow for my birthday. My mom is making my favorite food: steak, artichokes, and banana creme pie. I CANNOT MISS OUT ON THESE THINGS. CAN!! NOT!! That would be torture!

If you think of me tomorrow, pray that God would heal me. He totally does that still. Did you know?

Embracing the Reno in Me.

2008-07-03T17:04:00.007-05:00

Ezra and I are in Reno- safe and sound! The flights were very pleasant- despite the fact that every single electronic gadget that I stuffed into my 100 lb backpack and lugged through the airport ended up NOT WORKING once we got onto the airplane.

The DVD Player hadn't actually charged even though I thought it had.
The hand held video game system Ezra got didn't work very well WITHOUT THE GAME CARTRIDGES.
And the laptop couldn't play any movies from iTunes because I'd forgotten to "authorize" my new laptop before we took off.

So.... we read books. And traced mazes. It wasn't all that bad- Ezra did great.

Since being in Reno, I've realized how much I needed this little trip and didn't even know it. As soon as I stepped into my parent's house, my body went on 'sleep mode'. I have found it difficult to do much of anything besides laying on couches and eating food. MoMar is off work this week, so she's been around during the days to make Ezra's life an absolute joyride while mama reclines and reposes on the sofa. They've played in the kiddie pool and explored outside everyday. Ezra has taken his motorcycle out quite a bit. And he's had lots of time to get reaquainted with his toys. He is LOVING it.

Joy Ride.

Making Dinner.

Poolin' it at Bower's Mansion- the same pool I used to play at when I was his age. TRIPPY.

My brother Jaxon and his adorable girlfriend Erin.

I've gotten to see my brothers, and on Sunday morning for my birthday we are all going up to Tahoe in my brother Jared's boat. Then we are going to come home and consume ridiculous amounts of grilled steak. I can't wait!

As far as the pregnancy goes, I'm still feeling tired and getting nauseous in the evenings. I am SO ready for the second trimester relief. And it still feels so strange to me that I am this far along and have yet to see a midwife. They like to see you between 8-12 weeks, so I am still in that window, but when I was pregnant with Ezra, I saw a midwife right at 8 weeks- and have an ultrasound picture and everything from the very beginning of it all. I feel like there is a small part of my brain that has yet to actually believe that there is a baby in there- simply because I haven't seen it with my own eyes.

It's getting pretty tough to deny, however. look at this beast-of-a-belly!

Love it. Anywho- I can't wait to hear or possibly see this little baby blip soon. My appointment is the 19th.

Oh, and on a last note- Phantom of the Opera was amazing! The trip was extra fun because it was so last minute and spontaneous. Our seats were the second row from the back on the very highest balcony in the very far left corner, due to the last minuteness of it all, but I still got chills every time the Phantom would open his mouth to sing. Next time? I'm bringing binoculars. And kleenex. Poor mutilated Phantom Man! All alone in the bottom of an abandoned opera house! He needs to join a support group. And learn some social skills. And maybe stop being so creepy all the time.

Chicks totally dig guys that don't try to force them into marriage by threatening to kill their fiancés.

Surprising.

2008-06-28T14:56:00.008-05:00

This morning Chris told me I had to be ready to leave the house by 8:30 because he had a surprise for me.

That's always a fabulous way to start a day, yes?

(To all you hubbys out there, the Answer: YES!!)

We hopped in the car at 8:30 on the dot and he drove us all over to his parent's house. We dropped Ezra off with Grandma and Grandpa and then Chris and I were on our way to Destinations: Unkown.

Chris drove me to our favorite coffee shop downtown. When I walked in, I saw our friend Joel sitting there reading a book. And then I noticed that the empty table next to Joel had been decorated with a tablecloth, flowers, and a candle.

Then! Oh, then! I looked at what was sitting on the table. My early birthday present. A Macintosh PowerBook G4 with a bow on top.

It was probably a good idea to give me such a gift in a public place. Because it squelched my innate desire to SCREECH and FLAIL. I calmly gave hugs and thanked my husband and Joel for helping him set up the romantic surprise. Then my insides imploded. The end.

This gift means so much to me because... well, because of a lot of reasons. I've been wanting the freedom of a laptop for a very long time. It's hard being tethered to one spot in the house for blogging, ebay-ing, photo editing. Also, we are trying to figure out how to convert our guest/music/office room into A NURSERY in the near future, but we didn't know what to do with our monstrous desktop computer and it's accompanying desk. Now? That's not a problem.

(BTW- anyone want to buy an eMac for $200?)

The goodness does not stop there, either.

My in-laws heard that some of our friends were driving up to Tulsa tonight to see 'The Phantom of The Opera'. So, they bought Chris and I last minute tickets for my birthday! And they will be watching Ezra overnight for us so that we can go enjoy the show tonight!

I am so, so excited about this. I've never seen The Phantom of the Opera! I hear it's a pretty good show. (Understatement of the Century?)

I will let you all know how it goes. Hooray!

On Hoping for A Girl.

2008-06-25T14:55:00.007-05:00

I have found it surprisingly difficult to say "I'm really hoping for a girl" out loud.

There appears to be an unwritten code out there telling expectant parents that hoping for one sex or another for their baby is taboo. Tacky. Bad karma.

But- shoot darn it all to heck dang! I want a girl! I do, I do! A mini me.

Does this mean I may feel a bit disappointed if we find we're having another boy? Heck yes, it might! And that's okay! Hoping for one sex or another is natural, and I believe every parent feels it to some degree or another. But bottling up these feelings of hoping for a girl won't help me out one iota in the long run. I'd rather be open and honest about these hopes now so that I can be open and honest about feeling a bit disappointed later on. I think that's a healthy place to be.

Does this mean I will not love a little boy as much as I would love a little girl? Abso-frickin-lutely not. Just give me some baby cheeks to munch on and all will be well with the world. Boy cheeks? Girl cheeks? They all have the same munch-a-bility to meeee!

monch. monch.

I would not be alive today if my mother had not desperately wanted a baby girl.

She had two boys. They'd planned to stop at two children. Yet, they decided to try one last time for the girl my mother had dreamed of having.

When I was born, my dad cried, "It's a BOY!"

My mom's heart sank a little.

Then the doctor said, "Umm, no... it's a GIRL!"

My mom's heart soared a lot.

So, I've decided to cut out the apologetic, 'oh-but-if-its-a-boy-we'll-be-just-as-thrilled' bit, and get straight to the honesty.

OF COURSE we'd love to have another boy.

OF COURSE the more important thing is the baby's health. (BTW- why do people always pull this card when someone says they are hoping for a boy or hoping for a girl? Does my saying 'I want a girl' imply that I am not as concerned as I should be with the baby's overall health? Gar!)

And OF COURSE I trust that God knows what's best for me and my family and has the exact, perfect human being (designed specifically for us!) headed our way.

These things are obvious- too obvious to require endless restating.

So, from now on, I'm saying it confidently.

I am dreaming for a girl.

********************************************************

How about you? Have any of you felt it was difficult to express your desire for a girl or boy? Or do any of you feel it's tacky when an expecting parent blatantly says they are hoping for a specific sex? Why/why not?

Every Single Time.

2008-06-23T13:57:00.008-05:00

Baby appointment was postponed. Due to INSURANCE issues. (HATE.) I will be seeing the midwives at OU on July 17th now- which was their soonest appointment available. That's ONE WHOLE MONTH later than my previously scheduled baby appointment. I will be pushing my second trimester by that point. I am so bummed about all of this, but I understand... I'd rather get all the insurance stuff squared away than have to pay $800 out of pocket for lab fees, you know?

I'm still trying to decide if I want to do a home birth with midwives, or if I want to use midwives at the birthing center at OU Medical. The most important thing to me is that I have a natural birth. Where that actually takes place is less of a priority in my mind. Now that we've been approved for the state's insurance coverage, cost isn't an issue. So... I guess I'd better just make up my mind already. Or something.

I've been feeling oodles better this week, and have not had any nausea worth mentioning in the last four days or so. I'm still craving sub sandwiches like a mo fo. And napping is my new best friend. I'm 9 weeks along already... time seems to be flying by with this pregnancy!

This past week was really full, but really good at the same time. Chris' mom, dad, and sister pulled into town on Friday with the big U-Haul truck full of Chris' parent's stuff. We unloaded it all on Saturday AM. They are officially moved in! Woo woo! Chris' sister stayed with us through Sunday and then flew back to Reno. [Sad faces.] We already miss her.

Saturday afternoon, Chris and I (and another couple) watched all the kids in our co-op from 4-7 at our house so the other parents could have a date night. There were like, 10 kids in my little house- but they all did great! Right at 7, I left and drove to a coffee shop down the road and played a show with my friend Shannon. The show was really awesome- probably my favorite show since I can remember. I even played a new song. gasp!

Things should be settling down a bit now until July 1st, which is when Ezra and I hop on a plane and visit Reno for 10 days to see family. It should be a nice little break of routine- a great chance to soak up some MoMar and Doodad time.

Ezra started swimming lessons at the YMCA last week, and he's doing so good. I'm so proud of how brave he's becoming! He's a champ. (Until his face gets wet.)

Last night, Chris and I loaded Ezra up in the car and decided to go try out Chris' father's day gift at the lake right by our house. Chris got a new fishing pole for Father's Day, and it was calling for a test drive.

It was an amazing time. No fish were caught (much to my unspoken relief) , and I got to lounge in the back of the new car- reading my book and munching on fresh cantaloupe. I could get used to this 'fishing' idea!

Can you find Ezra in this picture?

So, all in all, life is going along smoothly. I work hard everyday to care for my son and try to remember to 'sing behind the plow' as I go... to remember to find joy in the simple things in front of me rather than waste my life in expecting it around every corner.

And, every single time, I find the joy all around me when I put down my binoculars and just allow my eyes to focus on the things in my own hands.

Every single time.

Pregnancy Week 8.

2008-06-15T22:32:00.007-05:00

The last few days have been a blur of nausea and napping. (Two things I generally hate, but will submit to and trudge through for the sake of the baby blip.)

blip!

I am so bummed that I did not escape from the doom of morning sickness this time around. I have yet to actually throw up... it's more of an unending sense of nausea that never goes away. Wee!

Don't wanna eat. Then suddenly famished. Then- stuff face. Then tummy feels like what's left behind after the tide goes out. And on and on.

What I've found, however, is that if I keep myself busy, I don't notice the nausea as much. But this is hard when all I want (have energy) to do is lay in my bed and drift in and out of sleep all day long.

I'm TIRED. Today I napped until FIVE THIRTY PM. ZZZzzzz. Happy Father's Day, honey! ZZZZzzz.

When I was pregnant with Ezra, I was waitressing at a busy Italian Restaurant in California. I was on my feet and my mind was occupied most of the day. Also? I ate a lot of bread. Maybe all of this helped. I don't know. All I know is that I don't remember being this zapped and oogie last time.

zapped and oogie!

I have my doctor's appointment on Thursday AM. I am excited.

In other news- My feet are shrinking.

If you haven't noticed, I am determined to document this pregnancy with alacrity. This is because I have no pictures of me when I was pregnant with Ezra except for a couple that I printed out and stuck into a scrapbook (which I never finished) and which promptly got smudged and smeared when I slipped them behind the "PROTECTIVE" plastic page coverings.

Note to self: ink starts out WET.

The rest of the pictures disappeared from hard drives along the way.

I pulled out my tiny box of maternity clothes from the attic the other day and... kinda blech. I'm going to need to creatively and frugally rebuild. (Posthaste!)

Lastly- your recommendations of milk and bananas to cure my leg cramps has worked marvelously!

You guys should all be doctors. You're THAT smart.

The Cesarean Crisis in America Today.

2008-06-10T14:30:00.004-05:00

A completely unrelated photo of Ezra in all his awesomeness.
Let's proceed!

Did you know that in America today, ONE out of every THREE births is a Cesarean Birth?

And do you even realize how SHOCKING that statistic is?

One hundred years ago, 95% of babies were born at home.

Now? It's less than 1%.

I am leaning more and more towards a home birth this go round. (Can you tell?) America has the second highest infant mortality rate in the developed world. And as far as medically assisted births? We stand alone. No other country even compares. Everyone else out there seems to understand that childbirth is a natural process- not some sort of disease that requires medical intervention.

Hospitals make lots of money of births. And they want you in and out ASAP so they can fill your bed again. If your labor gets a little too long? PITOCIN. Which then gives you unnaturally strong and frequent contractions. Which sends you scrambling for an EPIDURAL. But now you can't feel anything, so you aren't working with your body and now you need more PITOCIN to "speed things up".

And then, suddenly, the baby appears to be under 'stress', and the doctor swoops in to 'save the day'.

Pitocin is linked to a much higher likely hood of a Cesarean Birth.

See the snowball effect? Your choices are taken away before you even know what hit you.

Doctors prefer Cesareans. They are quick and can be scheduled. Instead of HOURS of a woman laboring in a hospital, they can have the baby out in 20 minutes flat.

And don't even get me started on Insurance Companies. Blech. They are dictating the way a woman's birth 'should be'. And they are getting rich.

This way of birthing is taking power away from mothers. Something happens during the labor process that will not happen at any other time of a woman's life. You hit a wall of pain. You think you can't do it, can't succeed, can't birth. And then you push through that wall, and there is an immense joy- a rush of emotions and hormones that unite you to your baby and empower you as a woman. It is a defining moment of motherhood- the girl becomes a mother, an unconquerable obstacle is defeated. The woman grows stronger.

I do not believe that birth needs to be a major medical/surgical event. Yes, there are cases where medical intervention is necessary, but those cases are few and far between, and transferring to a hospital in those instances is very viable. A trained midwife will know when it is time to go, and they will get you there quickly.

But birth? It is natural! And we women of America today have been taught that birthing is something to be feared. (Shows like TLC's 'A Baby Story' will do that for you.) Something to be numbed. Something to be treated. Something to be terrified of.

I am not terrified of birth. I was strengthened by my labor and delivery. I pushed through the wall of pain and found a stronger version of myself on the other side. Chris told me later that I 'went to a completely different place', and that I kept saying 'Jesus help me' as my body prepared to bring Ezra into the world. I remember feeling like He was in the room with me. And I remember that day as the most alive and courageous day of my entire life.

Midwifery is in crisis in this country. Their practices are shutting down left and right because they can't afford to stay in business. We are the only country that doesn't seem to care... doesn't seem to see their value.

The midwives I am considering for this birth charge $2600. For EVERYTHING. That includes all prenatal visits, lab work, the actual birth, and postnatal visits. "Natural" Hospital births START at around $10,000. Um, this is crazy.

Some women put more research into what car they want to buy than they do what birthing process they want to have. I think we need to wake up and see what is happening in this country. We need to rescue natural birthing and open our eyes to the fact that it doesn't have to be a medically dictated process.

My body was created to bring forth life, and I trust it. I want to feel my labor. To really experience the life-giving process. I believe that it is worth it.

******************************************************

If you have not watched 'The Business of Being Born', you should. It is a very informative documentary about the crisis of maternal care in America. We watched it last night and I could not stop nodding my head at the screen and muttering "Yes!"s under my breath. Hunt it down and watch it- it is completely eye-opening.

A Whole Lotta New.

2008-06-05T16:09:00.005-05:00

There is a whole lot of 'new' in our lives right now. Here is a sampling:

The new family car!

The new kitchen table!

The new work truck!

The in-law's new house!

And, just off the top of my head... a new baby!

On an un-related note, check out how beautiful Oklahoma is. This is the lake by my house. Come visit! We'll buy you gelato and show you what a REAL thunderstorm looks like!

Pregnancy: Week 6!

2008-06-04T21:31:00.007-05:00

I'm sorry for my lack of posting lately... my schedule has done a 180 since Summer reared it's ugly head, and I'm feeling totally disoriented and unsure of how to... live? Survive? Pull through?

I had a nice routine going this past Fall. Ezra was in school two days a week, plus we had a playgroup day, and we usually always had one other day filled with fun activities with friends as well. Since Summer started and Ezra's school ended, I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing again. I'm back to AMATEUR status. I'm with the boy allllll day everyday, which results in meltdowns and tantrums and boredom... and me feeling like a lousy mom.

I've never been good at keeping Ezra busy with planned activities. We end up bouncing off the walls all day because it's too hot to go outside. By 3:00, I'M DONE, and Summer has only just begun. I feel... worried. How am I going to pull through this season unscathed? I hate the heat, and now I have to be in 'entertain' mode all day. Add preggo hormones to that and you've got a ticking mom-bomb. Ezra simply refuses to play alone or do anything on his own all day. He follows me from room to room, asking "why dat like dat?" and the staple "what happened to me?". (This is what he asks me whenever ANYTHING happens. It's like he wants to know how everything in the world relates and affects him directly. So, like, even if a fly happens to land in the room he's sitting in, he will say, "What happened to meeeee?")

Lord, have mercy.

I'm now over 6 weeks in to this pregnancy, and I still feel extra large and in charge. I gaze down at my belly (which is now protruding farther than my BOOBS) (This either says something about my belly or my boobs, I'm not sure which at this point) and I remember how frustrated I was with my last pregnancy because it took SOOOO long for me to 'show'. I don't know what this is or what's going on here, but my belly feels like it did at 4 months (at least!) last time.

I feel GREAT- pretty much totally normal with an extra helping of hunger- and the only other thing that I've noticed is the LEG THING again. It happened when I was pregnant with Ezra, too... every time I climb into bed and am about to fall asleep, my legs start aching and knotting and twisting and I have to jump back out of bed to stretch them and move them around. Sometimes they cramp up really badly. Last night I sat by the bed and stretched for 30 minutes before they finally calmed back down. This is... annoying. But nothing major. I'd take wiggly legs over puking my guts out ANY DAY.

My first doc's appt. is June 19th. Does that feel like YEARS from now to anyone else besides me?

Chris keeps joking with me about how there might be more than one baby in there. If there is, we're going to have to take our new car back to the store and try again-- something with third row seating and room for infinity billion car seats.

Oh yeah! We bought a new car! It's a Honda Element and it's ORANGE. (pics coming tomorrow.) And you know what I've noticed? Elements are the kind of car where people in other Elements WAVE TO YOU when you pass them on the road.

THEY WAVE! How bizzare! Does this happen to any of you in your make/model of cars? Or is it only an 'Element' thing? And, should I join the waving club? Or keep my hands on the wheel?

I'm so confused.

6 Week Belly Shot.

2008-05-31T15:02:00.002-05:00

Umm.... guys? I am only SIX weeks in, here.

WHY AM I SO BIG ALREADY??!!?

?!?!?!?!

?

!

The Mother of All Hair Posts.

2008-05-27T14:40:00.008-05:00

This is what Ezra looked like yesterday.

And this is what he looks like today.

Here's what happened.

I was all, "Chris! We should give Ezra a buzz cut this Summer since he sweats like a juice box!"

Chris: "No. He would look very silly in a buzz cut."

Me: "Nooooo he wouldn't!!"

Fast forward a few days. I'd trimmed Ezra's hair, and Chris loved it. It was short but not too short. Ezra looked dashing.

Then I noticed that I'd missed some spots, and that the top still seemed way too long. So, I picked up my scissors again.

It all went downhill from there.

Let's just say he looked exactly like Loyd from 'Dumb and Dumber' by the time my second trim was over.

NOT OKAY.

Chris was at work, so I decided to take the plunge and just cut it ALL off. I'd rather have a big bald headed boy than a boy who incites images of LLOYD FROM DUMB AND DUMBER every time I look at him.

Chris was very sad when I sent a picture of the new 'do' to his cell phone. He does not like the buzz cut.

It is growing on me, however. At first I wasn't too keen on the look, either. (UHMM... Probably because it made my baby-child suddenly look like a fourteen year old.) But we went outside in the heat today and Ezra did not look like a sweaty, wilting flower! He did not turn bright pink! He just ran around looking like happy fourteen year old with military aspirations! Hooray buzz cut!

Maybe I'm just taking out my repressed scissor fingers on my son, since I cannot cut my own hair. Speaking of which... Operation: Grow Hair - an update!

It seems like it is MUCH too hot to be carrying around all this excess hair on top of my head. A small part of me wants to chop it. Because it FEELS like this:

Luckily, I found this photo of Kate Moss the other day:

...and am using it as an inspiration to keep on GROWING. Who knew? My hair is just like Kate Moss'. (Moss's? Moss'eses?) Big and blonde and poofy and lion's mane-ish. The kind of hair that makes you feel like you're wearing a heavy diva wig on your head in the humid, 90 degree weather!

She's got about 6 inches on me in this image. And fortunately for me, my hair grows like CRAZY when I'm pregnant. So... I'm sure to catch up in no time. Right?

Right. UNLESS I CHOP IT. (Which I won't.) (Or maybe I will.) No, no... ~~yes!~~ NO.

The Now.

2008-05-26T20:00:00.006-05:00

Chris' parents will be here in less than an hour. They've been driving for three days straight and just narrowly missed a tornado about an hour ago while in Kansas, but they are ALMOST HERE. TO LIVE. Chris, Ezra, and I are buzzing with excitement.

Family! Here! With us!

We know that God has planned all of this perfectly. We are pregnant, and they are... suddenly here. What a joy for all of us- what a perfectly timed reunion!

School Portraits. Couldn't you just DIE?

In pregnant news- I am feeling tired and wanting to eat sub sandwiches morning, noon, and night. With pickles. We already have a girl's name picked out that could potentially transfer as a boy's name too, but probably not. Oh, how I'd love to have a little girl. Or a boy. HURRY HURRY HURRY, Baby Bean!!!!!!!! I'm so impatient, it's craaaaazy.

I found out my friend Jess is pregnant as well and has the exact same due date as I do. We also had the same due dates when I was pregnant with Ezra and she was pregnant with her son Josiah. We are creepy weird pregnancy twins, and I love it. Yay Cheatwoods!

Lastly, you can expect my fashion blog to slowly morph into a hip, fun MATERNITY fashion blog over the coming months. (As well as some of the items in my store!.) Tell all your preggo friends that they can visit the site to get tips on how to keep your sense of style even as your waist line expands-- and how to do it without running into your nearest overpriced maternity store, none-the-less!

Moop!

Pregnant! Week Five.

2008-05-22T22:22:00.005-05:00

Thank you all so much for your excitement and well-wishes! We are THRILLED and have been having a blast telling our friends and family the exciting news this past week. WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BABY!!!!! &^@%*&^@%#*(&@#)(@!!!

Here are the deets:

I'm about 5 weeks along right now. Baby is the size of a sesame seed. I feel really good except that I am bloated. ALL THE TIME. This happened with Ezra, too. I felt like a hot air balloon for the first couple of months. Wee! Quite uncomfortable. I also have moments during the day where I get extremely sleepy and all I want to do is nap. But, um, that doesn't happen so much with it being crazy-toddler-central round here. Ah, well! Also, I just want to eat cookies and cheesecake all the time. I don't remember feeling this way when I was pregnant with Ezra, but I sure as heck feel that way now. I'm limiting myself, of course, and drinking lots of water during the day.

Baby will be here around January 24th- Ezra came a little early, so I'm guessing it will be mid-Jan sometime.

I did not get morning sickness at all on my first go-round, so I am praying it will be the same with this pregnancy. So far, so good. My mom never had morning sickness either. I wonder if it's a genetic thing? Does anyone know?

Chris and I are contemplating having a home birth this time as well. We are still in the 'research' phase of all of this, but it is something I am leaning towards more and more. For now, I have my first appt. scheduled with a group of midwives that are based out of OU Medical Center. If I use them, I would give birth in a hospital, but have a natural birthing plan set in place and a midwife-guided labor. (Like I did with Ezra.) Either way will be great I'm sure, we're just trying to figure out which option fits us best at this point.

How crazy is all this? It still hasn't sunk in that there will be another human in our family in less than a year. Woah!

We went to a friend's house for dinner tonight, and there was a little baby there. Ezra wanted to hold the baby and 'snuggle' the baby and you could tell that he is REALLY excited to be a big brother. He was so sweet with her, I almost keeled over right then and there from the dangerous levels of CUTE floating about the place. It was totally ridiculous. He's such an amazing boy.

Ezra knows that there is a baby growing in mommy's tummy, and he has matter-of-factly determined that it is a baby sister. He's so excited! Then, he goes on to explain that there is also a baby brother growing in HIS tummy as well. Hmmm... good luck with that one, buddy. hehe.

The Sticker of Truth.

2008-05-19T14:03:00.006-05:00

I took Ezra to the dentist this morning. I was a little bit concerned about how it would go... seeing as how last time he stepped foot in this office, they knocked him out cold and stuck drills all up in his grill. (But at least he got a stuffed Monkey out of the deal.)

I was prepping him on the way there- "They're going to look at all your big boy teeth and clean them with a brush! Won't that be fun?"

He seemed none too convinced.

When we arrived, he played quietly with the toys in the waiting room for about 5 minutes, and then they called him back. He hesitatingly followed 'Miss Ginger' back to the X-ray room. He got scared and started crying, but he only cried for about two minutes before he calmed back down and started listening to Miss Ginger like a trooper-- biting down on this and tilting his head like that and sitting perfectly still as the "Spaceship camera" was positioned next to his face. I was amazed at how well he did. AMAZED! And so, SO proud.

Next, he had his teeth cleaned. He listened and followed directions perfectly the whole time. Even when the dentist came in later and picked and prodded at his teeth with the pointy tools, he didn't freak out. Everyone was really shocked at how well he was doing- for a three year old in an unfamiliar place.

As I watched him in the dentist's chair, I couldn't get over how old he has gotten. He's his own little man- following directions and becoming brave. He fills entire rooms with his presence- making people laugh and always being so eager to please. He's an absolute joy to be around.

As I watched all of this unfold before me, I felt my thoughts turn inward. Inward to the deepest places of me... Inward to the place where Ezra's brand new baby brother or baby sister is already beginning to grow and take form inside of me.

I am pregnant.

And there's so much joy in me over this fact that I can hardly say the words without bursting into tears.

Ezra got a BA-JILLION stickers at the dentist's office today for being such a good boy.

And I got one too.

I laughed as I stuck it on my shirt, then I wore it proudly out the door- beaming all the way home.

The Tragic Death of a Nokia 6068.

2008-05-19T13:28:00.004-05:00

About three days ago, I got a brand new cell phone in the mail. It was shiny and new and had a CAMERA in it! I'd never owned such a fancy phone before! It had the ability to seamlessly connect to any HotSpot wifi and all those calls were free!

Oh, how I loved my new phone. I petted it and kept it clean and shiny and even left those stickers on all the LCD displays. It was my new pet! We were going to grow old together!

However, after just THREE DAYS in my care, it now looks like this:

This is what happens when you put your shiny new pet on top of your car and then drive away. The poor dear clung to the top of my car for about 6 arduous miles. What a fighter! But once I got onto the freeway, it just couldn't hold on any longer. The last thing I remember is seeing it roll away behind me in my rear view mirror- breaking into a million pieces and scattering it's shiny bits to the wind.

RIP, dear pet. (Your replacement will be here by the end of the week.)

The Family Exodus.

2008-05-16T14:29:00.008-05:00

Big, big changes around here.

Amazing, astonishing, "Wait... is this really happening?" kind of changes.

Chris' parents (and his Grandfather) are moving to Oklahoma City.

And for all the times I have lamented the lack of family nearby, I still can't get this life-changing fact to SINK IN. Family. Coming HERE! Halfway across the country... To us!!

An exodus.

It all has happened so quickly. Chris' dad found a job. His mom and dad will come out here next week and start looking for a place to rent for the next year. Once they find a place, his mom will fly back to Reno and organize the moving company and then she and Chris' grandpa will fly back out again.

For the most part, I can't even imagine what it will be like to have family nearby. We haven't lived by family for 7 YEARS. What will it be like to have people so willing and able to help with Ezra? To watch him so we can go out on dates and run errands and play the occasional late night shows? And for Ezra...? To suddenly have more than double the number of people who love him as their own flesh and blood living nearby- anxious to teach him and love on him in a way that only family can? What a lucky boy!!

Ezra is thrilled. Every time we go on a walk around the neighborhood, he points to houses and says, "Dat be Grama Granpa house? Huh? Dat be fun?"

We giggle and laugh and answer eachother with exaggerated "MAYBEEEE's!" and then do it all over again as we pass the next house on the street.

The timing of all of this seems absolutely perfect. We are so excited to have them all here- we just know that they will fall in love with this city like we have. It's an AMAZING place to live... and now? It will be even more amazing.

(Thank you God for answered prayers.)