IRON MAN IN 5 MINUTES

FADE IN:

EXT. INSIDE AN APC CRUISING THROUGH AFGHANISTAN - DAY

TONY STARK is flirting with some SOLDIERS

		TONY STARK
	Hi, I'm Tony Stark. You might know me
	as Robert Downey Jr. and I'm perfect
	for this role because I'm an alcoholic.

		SOLDIERS
	OMG we're in the same van as Robert
	Downey Jr! Let's all fanboy him and do
	kawaii signs because we're idiots and
	we'll die within the next 3 minutes!

The APC in front of them explodes. The soldiers try to
protect TONY STARK the best way they could- by getting
killed and leaving TONY STARK to fend for himself.

		TONY STARK
	Holy shit I'm gonna die. Wait, is that
	a live missile next to me? Ohhh, it's
	got my company's logo on it! I have to check--

MISSILE explodes, showering TONY STARK's chest with shrapnel.

FLASHBACK: 36 hours earlier.

EXT. LAS VEGAS, GRAND CEASAR HOTEL

		TONY STARK
	Oh look guys, I'm supposed to get an award
	but I'm here, gambling away.

		JAMES RHODES
	What the hell are you doing here, TONY?

		TONY STARK
	Because I'm a dick. And this is what dicks do.
	Also, why the hell do we have homoerotic tension?

		JAMES RHODES
	The hell? Homoerotic tension? Are you
	fucking kidding me?!
	...kiss me.

		TONY STARK
	Can't. Hear. You. Too. Busy. Making. Out. With.
	This. Hot. Female. Reporter.

EXT. BACK IN CAVE. PRESENT TIME.

TONY STARK is held captive by typical MUSLIM TERRORIST STEREOTYPES.

		TONY STARK
	Why the fuck do I have a car battery attached
	to my chest?

		DR YINSEN
	Because you have shrapnel inside your chest.
	The battery powers an electromagnet so that
	you don't die.

		TONY STARK
	Wait, why didn't you just remove the shrapnel?
	Also, why am I not electrocuted or something?

		DR YINSEN
	Because if those things did happen, there won't
	be a movie, right?

TONY STARK makes a suit of armor to escape, in a mind-numbingly
awesome sequence. The GEEKS IN THE AUDIENCE furiously MASTURBATE.

EXT.TONY STARK'S MALIBU MANSION

		PEPPER POTTS
	TONY, what the heck are you doing, wasting
	your time and money to make this stupid armor!
	Okay, we get it. It saved your life.
	Get over it.

		TONY STARK
	No, Gwyneth, I'm not listening to you
	because you're awfully miscast.

		PEPPER POTTS
	I hate you.

		TONY STARK
	Secks?

OBADIA STANE manages some evil scheme that gives him a suit of
armor which, in all respects is superior to TONY STARK's.
Also, S.H.I.E.L.D. agents show up, trying to stop STANE, but
somehow they all end up being squashed. S.H.I.E.L.D. is a
fucking joke.

		TONY STARK
	Don't worry kids! I'm here to save the day!

GIANT IRON MONGER looms in front of him

		OBADIAH STANE
	Look! TONY! In a very predictable
	plot twist, your mentor has turned
	against you! Insert typical villain
	laugh here! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

		TONY STARK
	...Fuck.

EPIC BATTLE! ZOMG! THE AUDIENCE ORGASMS IN UNISON!

Yean, so in conclusion, you’re not missing much on Iron Man. It’s predictable. It’s HOLY FUCKING AWESOME VBYDKVSJuddauDFBKSBDS ;;;;; - I mean okay. Yeah. Okay. I mean, really.

NO I TAKE IT BACK IT’S THE MOST AWESOME FILM TO EVER HIT CINEMAS. WATCH IT OR I EAT YOUR CHILDREN.