How to Accept Criticism with Grace and Appreciation

Every Thursday is Happiness Day on Zen Habits.

Every day, I get emails and comments that are amazingly positive and encouraging, and in truth these messages are the very thing that sustains my blogging. However, I also get negative comments now and then: criticism of my writing, and not nice criticism either.

How do you deal with criticism? I think the first reaction for most of us is to defend ourselves, or worse yet to lash back.

And yet, while criticism can be taken as hurtful and demoralizing, it can also be viewed in a positive way: it is honesty, and it can spur us to do better. It’s an opportunity to improve.

Recently, I ran an “Ask the Readers” post asking for suggestions for improvement, after receiving a few critical emails and comments. I responded to one of the critics with a “thank you” and asked him to comment in the Ask the Readers thread.

The reader emailed me back, and here was his response:

After sending my email, I felt I might have been a little harsh. But now, after reading your response, I think you would have the perfect qualities to write an article or two about taking criticism with grace and appreciation.

I really liked that thought, so here is that post he suggested: how to take criticism with grace and appreciation.

Stop Your First Reaction
If your first reaction is to lash back at the person giving the criticism, or to become defensive, take a minute before reacting at all. Take a deep breath, and give it a little thought.

Personally, I tend to get a little angry when I’m criticized. But I have also taught myself not to react right away. For example, I’ll let a critical email sit in my inbox for at least an hour before replying. Or I’ll walk away from someone instead of saying something I’ll regret later.

That cooling off time allows me to give it a little more thought beyond my initial reaction. It allows logic to step in, past the emotion. I don’t have anything against emotion, but when it’s a negative emotion, sometimes it can cause more harm than good. So I let my emotions run their course, and then respond when I’m calmer.

Turn a Negative Into a Positive
One of the keys to my success in anything I do is my ability to find positive things in things that most people see as a negative. Sickness forces me to stop my exercise program? That’s a welcome rest. Tired of my job? That’s a time to rediscover what’s important and to look for a better job. Supertyphoon ruined all my possessions? This allowed me to realize that my stuff wasn’t important, and to be thankful that my loved ones were still alive and safe.

You can do the same thing with criticism: find the positive in it. Sure, it may be rude and mean, but in most criticism, you can find a nugget of gold: honest feedback and a suggestion for improvement.

For example, this criticism: “You write about the same things over and over and your posts are boring and stale.”

Can be read: “I need to increase the variety of my posts and find new ways of looking at old things.”

That’s just one example of course — you can do that with just about any criticism. Sometimes it’s just someone having a bad day, but many times there’s at least a grain of truth in the criticism.

See it as an opportunity to improve — and without that constant improvement, we are just sitting still. Improvement is a good thing.

Thank the Critic
Even if someone is harsh and rude, thank them. They might have been having a bad day, or maybe they’re just a negative person in general. But even so, your attitude of gratitude will probably catch them off-guard.

And you know what? My habit of thanking my critics has actually won a few of them over. They became friends of mine, and eventually a couple of them became some of my biggest proponents. All because of a simple act of saying thank you for the criticism. It’s unexpected, and often appreciated.

And even if the critic doesn’t take your “thank you” in a good way, it’s still good to do — for yourself. It’s a way of reminding yourself that the criticism was a good thing for you, a way of keeping yourself humble.

Learn from the Criticism
After seeing criticism in a positive light, and thanking the critic, don’t just move on and go back to business as usual. Actually try to improve.

That’s a difficult concept for some people, because they often think that they’re right no matter what. But no one is always right. You, in fact, may be wrong, and the critic may be right. So see if there’s something you can change to make yourself better.

And then make that change. Actually strive to do better.

When I received criticism that my posts weren’t as good as they could be, I strove to improve. I tried hard to write better posts. Now, did I actually accomplish that? That’s a matter of opinion — some will say no, while others seemed to enjoy the posts. Personally, I’ve been rather proud of some of these posts, and I’m glad I made the extra effort.

Be the Better Person
Too many times we take criticism as a personal attack, as an insult to who we are. But it’s not. Well, perhaps sometimes it is, but we don’t have to take it that way. Take it as a criticism of your actions, not your person. If you do that, you can detach yourself from the criticism emotionally and see what should be done.

But the way that many of us handle the criticisms that we see as personal attacks is by attacking back. “I’m not going to let someone talk to me that way.” Especially if this criticism is made in public, such as in the comments of a blog. You have to defend yourself, and attack the attacker … right?

Wrong. By attacking the attacker, you are stooping to his level. Even if the person was mean or rude, you don’t have to be the same way. You don’t have to commit the same sins.

Be the better person.

If you can rise above the petty insults and attacks, and respond in a calm and positive manner to the meat of the criticism, you will be the better person. And guess what? There are two amazing benefits of this:

Others will admire you and think better of you for rising above the attack. Especially if you remain positive and actually take the criticism well. This has happened to me, when people actually complimented me on how I handled attacking comments.
You will feel better about yourself. By participating in personal attacks, we dirty ourselves. But if we can stay above that level, we feel good about who we are. And that’s the most important benefit of all.

How do you stay above the attacks and be the better person? By removing yourself from the criticism, and looking only at the actions criticized. By seeing the positive in the criticism, and trying to improve. By thanking the critic. And by responding with a positive attitude.

A quick example: Someone criticizes one of my posts by saying, “You’re an idiot. I don’t understand what x has to do with y.”

My typical response will be to first, ignore the first sentence. And second, to say something like, “Thanks for giving me an opportunity to clarify that. I don’t think I made it as clear as I should have. What x has to do with y is … blah blah. Thanks for the great question!”

And by ignoring the insult, taking it as an opportunity to clarify, thanking the critic, using the opportunity to explain my point further, and staying positive, I have accepted the criticism with grace and appreciation. And in doing so, remained the better person, and felt great about myself.

How do you handle criticism? Your tips appreciated in the comments.

If you liked this article, please vote for it on Digg. I’d appreciate it. :)

See also:

How to Accept Criticism with Grace and Appreciation

Photo by Zara-Jay

Every Thursday is Happiness Day on Zen Habits.

How do you deal with criticism? I think the first reaction for most of us is to defend ourselves, or worse yet to lash back.

And yet, while criticism can be taken as hurtful and demoralizing, it can also be viewed in a positive way: it is honesty, and it can spur us to do better. It’s an opportunity to improve.

The reader emailed me back, and here was his response:

After sending my email, I felt I might have been a little harsh. But now, after reading your response, I think you would have the perfect qualities to write an article or two about taking criticism with grace and appreciation.

I really liked that thought, so here is that post he suggested: how to take criticism with grace and appreciation.

For example, this criticism: “You write about the same things over and over and your posts are boring and stale.”

Can be read: “I need to increase the variety of my posts and find new ways of looking at old things.”

See it as an opportunity to improve — and without that constant improvement, we are just sitting still. Improvement is a good thing.

Learn from the Criticism
After seeing criticism in a positive light, and thanking the critic, don’t just move on and go back to business as usual. Actually try to improve.

And then make that change. Actually strive to do better.

Wrong. By attacking the attacker, you are stooping to his level. Even if the person was mean or rude, you don’t have to be the same way. You don’t have to commit the same sins.

Be the better person.

Others will admire you and think better of you for rising above the attack. Especially if you remain positive and actually take the criticism well. This has happened to me, when people actually complimented me on how I handled attacking comments.
You will feel better about yourself. By participating in personal attacks, we dirty ourselves. But if we can stay above that level, we feel good about who we are. And that’s the most important benefit of all.

A quick example: Someone criticizes one of my posts by saying, “You’re an idiot. I don’t understand what x has to do with y.”

How do you handle criticism? Your tips appreciated in the comments.

If you liked this article, please vote for it on Digg. I’d appreciate it. :)

See also:

Posted on 27 September 2007 in Happiness |
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Comments (106)

Spike Says:

September 27th, 2007, 5:57 am

Great article, it’s given me something to think about. All too often in the past I’ve either ignored remarks or responded to a smart-ass criticism with a smart-ass response of my own. This is why as much as possible I always ask for constructive feedback. Most people take the hint and provide something useful rather than blindly saying you/it sucks.

SpiKe
Organize IT

Joriki Monkey Says:

September 27th, 2007, 6:22 am

Nice article. The thing that came to my mind after having read it is whether we should always respond only to the constructive part of criticism? When we do it this way (so we act as if the “you-re-an-idiot” part nether happened) somehow we send a message: “you can say that people are idiots and it is allright”. But it is not form my point of view.

junkfoodmonkey Says:

September 27th, 2007, 6:22 am

I’m a member of an online writing group and it’s taught me both to give and receive constructive criticism with good grace. A lot of the time the critiques we’re giving each other will be of individual aspects of a story that need working on, but sometimes there’ll be a more fundamental problem. That’s when the advice you give above comes in useful. To wait before firing off a “you’re talking rubbish!” reply is a good one, as usually if I give myself time to read it over again I’ll realise that “yeah, that’s a good point” and usually I already had an underlying niggle that it was a problem anyway.

I actually find it flattering now if people raise a serious issue they are having with a story on list rather than by private email, since it shows they think I’m mature enough not to go into a sulk about it, and that I welcome the criticism as well as the praise.

One time another member emailed me to say someone had emailed her off list saying she’d been too harsh in her critique of my work and that it was cheeky to offer suggestions for changes. I reassured her that I didn’t think she was harsh or cheeky. Heck, she’s one of the best critics on the group and I always look forward to her comments as I know she’ll be fair, but won’t let anything slide either.

I still find it hard to deal with face to face criticism, I get defensive, I know. But I’m learning and your tips are a help with that.

Julia Says:

September 27th, 2007, 6:43 am

A really good article! I have trouble sometimes with accepting criticism, but it’s actually quite easy to act on criticism which isn’t aimed at yourself but what you have done. If someone says for example, that they don’t like my new layout and give me tips to improve it, I am never angry at them or anything, it’s just their opinion.

What’s harder, is when s.o. criticises yourself! E.g. I talk alot. I talk quickly. I also can’t take it when people ridicule my character, and I get sulky sometimes.

Then, if someone criticises these things, I don’t know what to do, since I already know these things and am not particulalry happy about them. How do you tell people that you’re aware of your deficencies and are working on it?

When I was 12, my three best friends took me aside and said “this can’t go on… you really have to change.” I still don’t know what was so terribly bad about my character then. I think it was just mean 12 year old’s behaviour. But I still feel about it and it’s influenced my way of dealing with criticism.

Kim Says:

September 27th, 2007, 7:02 am

Whenever someone is being mean or rude, I try to remind myself that 99% of the time, it is about THEM, not YOU. Either they are having a rough day or they are jealous, ETC ETC . Also, IMHO, the two of the most important words are “So What?”. So What if they think my article sucked? What’s the worse thing that can happen?

Megan Says:

September 27th, 2007, 8:09 am

I love this post, Leo (thank you for writing it!), and I love what Kim had to say. Here here!

I use “so what?” as often as I can remember to and it works. To Kim’s point, it begs the question of “What’s the worst thing that can happen as a result of their opinion?”

Another phrase I LOVE (that I stole from a totally laid back, open-minded friend of mine) is “That’s cool.” No matter what you tell this guy and no matter how bad you think it is, his response is always, “That’s cool, man.”

Karen Says:

September 27th, 2007, 8:27 am

Thanks so much for writing this article! I just discovered your amazing website last night and have found so much wisdom in it. As a musician, I am faced with both positive and negative feedback and I have a really difficult time with hearing the negative. I was relieved to learn that my initial reactions are common and I took what you suggested about thanking the critic to heart. I really want to be one who accepts criticism with grace and appreciation. Thanks again for showing me how it’s possible.

Peety Says:

September 27th, 2007, 8:36 am

Thanks for taking the time to write and share such wonderful articles.

I am an avid reader, however, I usually prefer to read rather than leave a comment.

You are truly very inspiring!!

maria Says:

September 27th, 2007, 8:38 am

my husband and mother always critict me with their own mouth that result i attack them back with no time for deep breathing ?by the way which country do u live?

Mike Says:

September 27th, 2007, 8:43 am

Look at me! My comments made it to a world famous blog! Ok, enough of my bragging. I love the article, Leo. I initialy wrote to you with frustration because so many self improvement blogs seem to be an endless list of numbered lists, and I feared you were going down that path. I’ve noticed a difference in your articles lately and have found them much more engaging. I love your site more every day! Keep it up. And don’t worry, I’ll send more criticism if I think you need it : )

Poppy Says:

September 27th, 2007, 8:59 am

Thank you for another helpful article! I’ve been reading ZH daily, and I find that I think about what I’ve read throughout the day. Today I will accept any criticism that comes my way much more graciously and I will use it to improve my life.

disconnect Says:

September 27th, 2007, 9:03 am

@Joriki Monkey: “[Should we] always respond only to the constructive part of criticism?”

By doing so, we provide positive reinforcement for the real criticism (”please explain correlation of x and y”) and negative reinforcement for the abuse, and we avoid tangling the issues. Just as “You’re an idiot. I don’t understand the correlation of x and y” is inflammatory, “X and y are related by z, and lay off the ad hominem” is as well. Responding with “Thanks! Here’s why, etc.” puts the critic at ease, answers her question(s), and doesn’t piss her off. But more importantly, it sets the tone for future emails: here, I’ll be happy to talk to you, but we’re not going to go to the mat.

Now, in subsequent emails/posts/what-have-yous, if the invective is still present, then I would be inclined to mention its undesirability to the person. But still in a polite fashion.

Joshua Says:

September 27th, 2007, 9:04 am

You “let the email sit in your inbox for an hour or two?” How very un-GTDish of you!!!!

Keep up the good work.

Sarah Chia Says:

September 27th, 2007, 9:15 am

This is a great reminder that we can only control ourselves, not others. So, while someone may give us harsh negative feedback, we still have the ability to be graceful in our response.

A hard thing to do, but like you said, the more mature, “better” way to handle an attack.

Tiffany Hamburger Says:

September 27th, 2007, 9:29 am

Wow–this is funny–I just wrote about this very issue last night. I was inspired to write about it because of Randy Pausch, who is a computer science professor dying of pancreatic cancer. He gave a final lecture, and one of his topics was how to view criticism. His take was that criticism is a good thing, because it means that people care enough about you or what you’re doing that they want you to do better. It’s a really bad place to be in when you’re screwing up and no one says anything, because it means they don’t care, or even worse, that they’ve given up on you. Ouch. Now that hurts!

Great post, and very timely from my perspective!

Jean Says:

September 27th, 2007, 10:11 am

Another excellent post Leo! Thank you! Your humility and willingness to learn new ideas is what attracted (and keeps) me to Zen Habits.

Just experienced the frustration of critical behavior earlier today. Though nothing terribly nasty was said to me “verbally,” when my employer asked me some questions (he already knew the answer) in the presence of another executive, it felt like a task I’d overlooked got messed up twice. My first reaction was to shore up my resentment by (only mentally) listing all evidence of my work performance that excels. Took a few deep breaths and then realized my employer is experiencing some mounting pressure regarding his own status - it was as though I could feel HIS fear. My resentment quickly turned to empathy, followed by a decision to pivot and press on with a smile. What a noticeable difference this has already made in how the morning is progressing!

You rock Leo!
Jean

jennifer Says:

September 27th, 2007, 10:17 am

It an useful article . yeah, keep charitable heart to face criticism ,and turn them into motivity which could improve ourself . if it ’s just nonsense ,well , leave it along , you know, nobody could hurt you, unless you accept it .

Robin Says:

September 27th, 2007, 10:57 am

This is a great post! It gave me some excellent pointers on how to deal with criticism. I’m actually looking for some advice for a specific situation as well. I have a theatre subscription and sit surrounded by the regulars. Last season during the last performance an elderly woman directly behind me got up within about 6 inches of my ear and loudly informed me that I move my head too much & to stop it! At the end of the performance she advised me how very annoying I am. My companion assures me that I do not move excessively so I can’t improve my behavior. If she engages me again how do I respond?

Peter Hentges Says:

September 27th, 2007, 11:32 am

One of your points hits on something I’m very familiar with. I have, and tend to cultivate, friendships with a number of people that I call “genial assholes.” These are people that are very willing to tell me the harsh, honest feelings they have about what I’m doing. A lot of times it helps me to see my own delusions or when I’m doing something that will be harmful to myself or others. Their criticisms are wake-up calls that spur me to closer examination of my own motivations.

Mari-Nanci Says:

September 27th, 2007, 12:00 pm

You get negative comments?!? Why ever for?!?

This is a suggestion blog. Read ‘em. Adopt ‘em. Don’t adopt ‘em.

What’s to grumble about?!?

People!!! Eeeeek! lol.

Mari-Nanci
{who is ashamed to say that she’s been reading here for a while and have not commented at all. Me! Who is the *Queen Of We All Should Comment*! Ashamed I am. Ashamed I am. :-( This is a fantastic blog and I’m mesmerized by it and I’m finally telling you so.}

Keely H. Says:

September 27th, 2007, 13:18 pm

One thing this blog post didn’t address regarding taking criticism was how not to mobilize the self improvement army to respond to every single critique you receive.

It seems to me that there’s a third type of criticism receiver out there: the please everyone person. The please everyone person views every piece of criticism as not only constructive, but of paramount importance and deserving of immediate action. This person spends a significant amount of energy editing their actions and themselves in response to the critiques of friends, family, and frequently strangers they meet on the street. This person is thrown into absolute turmoil when the criticisms he or she receives inevitably involve conflicting feedback. This person claims to be motivated only by self-improvement, but often acts simply to avoid the pain and uncertainty of criticism.

I’m a recovering please everyone person and I suspect that Robin, the commenter whose critic had strong opinions on optimal head movement, might be one to.

Do you agree that over-compensating for criticism is a problem or do you consider it a strength in disguise? I’d love to hear your zen words of wisdom on this issue.

Leo Says:

September 27th, 2007, 14:25 pm

Thanks for the nice comments, everyone … again, it’s your encouragement that make doing this blog a joy. I’m glad you enjoyed this article … it was an important one for me, although I always get a bit nervous when I put a piece of myself out there n public like this. :)

@Mari-Nanci: I’m glad you finally commented. :)

@Keely H: Actually, that’s an issue I haven’t really thought about, but you make a good point. I tend to see most people react negatively to criticism, but I have seen people react the other way, and overcompensate to please people.

Yes, I think that overcompensating for criticism *can* be a problem, if overdone. I think that reacting in a positive way to every criticism is not a problem, but a strength … but you do have to realize that not every criticism is true.

That’s a step I missed in the article: you have to give some thought to whether the criticism has any truth to it. After you step back, cool down, and begin to consider the criticism in a rational and even positive manner … consider whether there’s a grain of truth to it. If not, you can still thank the critic but respectfully disagree. I’ve done that many times here on ZH.

Great point, Keely, and I thank you for bringing it up and allowing me to expand on this.

Nelson-DR Says:

September 27th, 2007, 16:24 pm

It´s really hard accept criticims with grace and appreciation because there are criticims that heart our emotional feelings. But like you say here it can be done.

Great Post Leo

peter huynh Says:

September 27th, 2007, 16:26 pm

Sound words. It sounds like you’ve read the book “how to win friends and influence people” by dale carnagie

Marcel Says:

September 27th, 2007, 16:27 pm

I can handle criticism, but what I can’t get a grip on is criticizing someone else. Taking criticism and turning it into something positive is easy enough, but it has a negative side-effect: some people see it as a sign of weakness and will not refrain from criticizing you even more (and harsher!) in the future.

Besides that, I just can’t get a grip on how to criticize someone else. There’s plenty I want to correct people on, their mistakes and how they can improve. They, however, didn’t read this article and really wouldn’t care for it, either. I’ve tried the “compliment, then criticize” and “kindly suggest the person in the general direction” tactics, both miserably failed..

So, if you have any ideas on how to criticize someone else, please, enlighten me!

sherifffruitfly Says:

September 27th, 2007, 17:02 pm

In a similar vein, I find *apologizing* the quickest, most painless way to get out of a fuck-up. Especially with girlfriends - in fact, they HATE it - because their head-of-steam is cut off by the apology, and they’re not allowed to be mad at you. It’s close to my best trick.

“I totally see how what I did screwed you over - I’m really sorry, and I’ll try not to do it in the future.”

Cost to me: $0.00
Value of shutting up someone who’s bitching at me: Priceless.

Manuel Says:

September 27th, 2007, 17:02 pm

I beg to differ. While most situations do require a graceful response, there are others which do not. Sure, there are times when someone is criticizing you because they want to correct your behavior. However, there are other situations that have nothing to do with corrective feedback but with dominance. They are beating their chests because they want to size you up and see whether or not you got claws. Are you alpha or beta?

Let me give you an example. Some generals in Iraq wanted to work with Iraqis to get some stuff done. The Iraqis whined and criticized and basically laughed at the generals for being wimps. They had no respect for the American’s ‘let’s- hold-democratic-hands’ approach. But as soon as the generals began to beat their own chests, the Iraqis paid attention and got their stuff done.

The trick is to be able to tell what situation requires which approach. Do you smile softly or do you swing that big stick?

Leo Says:

September 27th, 2007, 18:12 pm

@Manuel: I agree that some criticism is chest-beating to see if you’re an alpha or beta … however, that doesn’t mean we have to respond in kind. That’s my point: don’t let the critic’s tone or intention dictate your life. Respond in a positive manner and you’ll keep it positive.

I can’t address the Iraqi example you gave, but I have dealt with chest-beaters in my personal life … I find it’s best to ignore the chest-beating … most people recognize the stupidity of those people, and will admire you for not stooping to that level.

Responding to chest-beating with more chest-beating of your own is stooping to their level. Rise above it, and be the better person.

Leo Says:

September 27th, 2007, 18:19 pm

@Marcel: good questions, and a couple of responses:

1. It’s true that some people will respond to your kind acceptance of their criticism with harsher response in the future. However, in most cases, they will actually appreciate your response and stop the harshness. In the few cases where they get even harsher and more critical, just keep responding in a positive manner. Eventually, they will run out of steam. You can only yell at someone who is smiling at you for so long. After awhile, you look like an idiot. :)

2. How to criticize someone else? Don’t criticize. Make positive, constructive, specific suggestions. For example, instead of telling someone that their posts are lame and boring, make positive suggestions for how they can improve, and be specific. For example: “I’d love to see more posts like x that you did last week. It was informative without being preachy, and gave a lot of tips on how to improve.” Or: “I’d like to see some articles that talk about x and y and z.”

It’s easy to make general criticisms about someone or about what they do. It’s harder to propose alternatives, and to stay positive. But it’s generally a better route, as the person receiving the suggestion will take it better and might actually try to implement them, rather than responding negatively.

Leo Says:

September 27th, 2007, 18:23 pm

@peter huynh: Embarrassingly, I actually haven’t read How to Win Friends, but I’ve always meant to. However, I do acknowledge that my ideas here aren’t original … very few ideas are, if you know enough about history. I generally try to share things I’ve learned over the years, things that have worked for me, but I never claim to invent them. :)

Jongasm Says:

September 27th, 2007, 19:42 pm

Nice article! I tend to use the “Be the Better Person” approach pretty naturally. It works well for me. And honestly, when someone unfairly criticizes me, I know that they’re just being an idiot, and I don’t care what idiots think. When I used to work in a Wal-Mart Pharmacy where we’d have some awful customers, I was sometimes praised by other customers for my ability to handle difficult people. It’s cool to be acknowledge for that.

Kalpesh Says:

September 27th, 2007, 20:09 pm

While, I havent read the article completely - a good way could be not to take criticism personally

When someone is criticizing, they are criticizing the work/action & not the person - we often misunderstand this.

As they say on software development, “you are not your code”
Thanks. I will read the article in detail now

Adrian (www.couplehood.net) Says:

September 27th, 2007, 20:16 pm

This would be so valuable in a relationship! But then again, it’ll also be harder to do - you usually don’t hold back your emotions with the ones you love most.

I’m certain that at least 80% of my arguments with my significant other will never explode if I thank her for her criticism, and internally reflect to turn a seemingly negative comment into a positive one.

Manuel Says:

September 27th, 2007, 20:55 pm

@Leo: I appreciate your response but I think you’re wrong. My point here is that we’re still bound by our primate genes and some monkey just won’t understand until you make a lot of noise. Let me give you another example that I saw on a nature show.

The leader of a troop of monkey had gotten quite old and the rest of the monkeys were vying for the top position. One particular monkey was big and made a lot of noise by swinging from trees and shaking branches to show his strength. There were no other monkeys as big as he was, so he was obviously the one more fit to be leader. One crafty little monkey, however, found a discarded bucket, which he slapped around causing a tremendous raucous that sent the rest of the monkeys running for cover. Even the big monkey ran up tree, obviously scared by the noisy little monkey. In the end, the little monkey became leader of the pack not because he was stronger, but because he was able to make more noise than the big monkey.

The moral of the story is that some of your primate brothers won’t get your drifts until you make a lot of noise. And if you insist on remaining passive, they’ll get even more angry and will ruffle your feathers until you blow your lid off. By all means, have patience and understanding for those who make a lot of noise, but when it comes time to rattle that bucket, it’s gonna rattle whether you’re for or against buckets.

David B. Bohl at SlowDownFAST.com/blog Says:

September 27th, 2007, 22:05 pm

Leo,

Great post. Thanks for sharing.

I’ve listed 4 ways that I can accept criticism in my blog post Surviving (Tolerating, Accepting, and Eluding) Negative People, Places, and Situations ( http://www.slowdownfast.com/blog/surviving-tolerating-accepting-and-eluding-negative-people-places-and-situations/#more-190 )

They are as follows:

Ask yourself: “What’s my role in this?” Maybe there’s something that you’re doing or saying that’s contributing to the situation. Don’t ever assume that blame can be assessed at 100%.

ACT, don’t react. You have the opportunity to engage from a position of emotion or from one of reason. Choose the latter.

Use the experience as a lesson. Focus your energy on trying to learn how to work through these types of situations in the present and future instead of wasting your strength and losing your sanity on becoming frustrated.

Disengage. You don’t have to show up to every argument or confrontation simply because you’re invited or provoked to do so. You’re clear on what your purpose is. Simply ask yourself: “Is this encounter necessary for me to get my job done?” The answer, more often than not, will be a resounding “NO!”

LaRonda Says:

September 27th, 2007, 22:16 pm

Thank you. A timely lesson for many.

~ LaRonda
http://www.earofmyheart.com

Chris Says:

September 27th, 2007, 22:20 pm

you’re an idiot! lame article
^^ yay for nerdy html stuff

good article though, seriously. gotta remember that :]

Vik Dulat - Making Money the Easy Way Says:

September 27th, 2007, 22:28 pm

Keep this coming. I love it. I have read a lot of books on zen and it’s a great way to live stress and enjoy every moment of it.

Jasi Says:

September 27th, 2007, 22:32 pm

Fantastic post. I’m terrible at receiving criticism. This is a kind way to digest a life lesson long overdue. Thanks.

Grace Says:

September 28th, 2007, 1:55 am

Criticism this, criticism that, who cares, what everyone wants to know is, who is that woman in the picture? she is Beeeeeautiful.

Del Says:

September 28th, 2007, 2:17 am

Thank you for this.

Really thank you very much, i find it so very hard to take criticism and normaly respond in a self destructive manor.

I think that this post will really aid me in my life.

Thank you.

Andy Says:

September 28th, 2007, 2:22 am

Great article. Your section on ‘Be the better person’ reminded me of this story from the Buddhist tradition

One day Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. “You have no right teaching others,” he shouted. “You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake.”

Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man “Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?”

Of course knowing this story and being able to think and act in this way are two different things :)

Paul Says:

September 28th, 2007, 3:00 am

I really enjoyed reading your article, and as a musician, I often deal with a lot of criticism. As a musician who writes unusual music, I think I probably receive even more than the average artist.

My question to you is this: Is criticism ever uncalled for? In other words, must we look for truth in every criticism, or is it possible that the one doing the criticizing is merely unable to appreciate or understand what we were going for?

For instance, some people will see a film that’s moving and intelligently crafted, but they’ll say that it needed more action or sex. Might they be wrong and perhaps unable to grasp what the movie was meant to convey?

I am a singer-songwriter and I tend to vary my style so much from song to song that people will often be surprised that they are hearing the same person. Sometimes they will say “I think you should sing more like you did in the other song.” But yet another will prefer that different style, and reject the so-called “original” method. This leaves me to think that I can’t sit and analyze every criticism that comes to me.

What do you think? (Sorry for the length here)

Anand Says:

September 28th, 2007, 3:15 am

Great article. These are several things I have realized at various stages. What you say about winning critics over is true to a large extent. Keely brings up a good point as well. I have personally swung from one side of the pendulum to the other wherein I try to cater to almost everyone’s criticism. This has often led to some of my close friends branding me as one with a low self esteem. I guess we need to set a balance but that comes with a lot of practice. Marcel articulates this well.

Of course, there is always the set of people who never realize the manner in which people receive criticism in a positive manner. They tend to see this as an opportunity to heave as much criticism as possible and potentially wait for such situations. This is when it gets tricky. You know you need to push back on such folks but do you do that in public?

Alex Says:

September 28th, 2007, 4:01 am

Great article. This seems to be the way of the Vulcan (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vulcan_%28Star_Trek%29).

Just be careful not to pent up the anger.

Susan Says:

September 28th, 2007, 5:06 am

we have to accept criticism cordially.. It’s a part of life.

Susan
http://www.gerainvest.com -

Sharath Says:

September 28th, 2007, 5:23 am

Thats truly a great article, thanks you!
I’m one of those moody guys who sometimes react too fast, and later regret for what I did. But over time, I learned to take time before reacting to any criticism, and it really helps as you say.

steveb Says:

September 28th, 2007, 5:25 am

Another great post, Leo.

@Peter Hentges regarding “genial assholes”; That’s very similar to my approach to people who act like jerks, especially in situations where you are forced to interact with them often. like at work.

My philosophy is “Be nice to your asshole” and I put this into practice in two ways.

First, I go out of my way (meaning beyond my knee-jerk emotions) to be a little extra nice to the person during every interaction. I always feel better for not stooping to his level. The situation closely resembles anger. The Buddha is said to have said: Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

Second, I always buy the best toilet paper ; )

Louise Says:

September 28th, 2007, 5:35 am

Thanks for the insightful article! I’m also pretty bad at dealing with criticism, I think I’m one of those please everyone people. I take criticism very personally, which I know I shouldn’t, but that’s easier said than done.

One of my biggest problems is that I sort of freeze up when I get criticized. I’m really thrown off-balance, I can’t think clearly anymore. This is not a problem if it’s written criticism (in that case, letting it sit in my inbox for a few hours would solve the problem), but if I’m in a conversation with someone, it’s quite a bit of a problem. I don’t know what to say, I feel very much attacked and hurt, I’ve even burst into tears a few times when I got unexpected criticism (although I’m generally quite a balanced person). Do you have any suggestions to help me deal with criticism ‘real-time’, so to speak?

AW Says:

September 28th, 2007, 5:52 am

Easily one of the best posts you have written so far. No surprise to see so many responses. :)

Keep up th nice work Leo, your blog has taught me quite a few things over the last few months.

Good day!

fell_away Says:

September 28th, 2007, 5:56 am

Great article! I think a lot of people, myself included, can benefit from a reminder such as this. More often then not I end up retaliating when met with certain criticisms and I had never stopped to think that if I responded positively I could end up turning the situation into a better one.

Julia Says:

September 28th, 2007, 5:57 am

@ Kim & Megan

Thanks to you both, that is exactly what my boyfriend tells me all the time (”what’s the worst thing that could happen?”) and I should listen to it more. Thanks for reminding me. I’m gnna do this now. Just say “That’s cool” ^o^ yay!

Pacific Blue Says:

September 28th, 2007, 6:07 am

Amazing! Some other time i might write to you in detail.

Bunyip Says:

September 28th, 2007, 6:23 am

Leo, I love zen habits and visit often for new perspectives and to renew old and good ideas.

I come from a family of perfectionists. There is a lot of negative criticism from parents, and grandparents and siblings and cousins, of each other, their children, siblings… all because they just want you to be that little bit better - closer to perfect.

But what it feels like is them telling you that you’re not good enough. So I try to turn this around in my head by telling myself - she/he means well, so what is the positive way of phrasing the criticism?

The best teachers I had for constructive criticism were members of Toastmasters.org, via their speech evaluation systems: Make three points, pick out the most important simple achievable ones if you have too much choice. Points should be presented like this:
* Something you liked about what or how the evaluee did their speech, then
* Something you think would improve their speech - something they already do, but they could do more, or a new idea to try out next time
* The thing you liked best about their speech with encouragement to have another go: for example “looking forward to your next speech”.

This structure can be applied to anything, and I wish my bosses at work had been taught this. And you avoid saying “you did it wrong” which isn’t very helpful or encouraging.

And I too like to be polite and considerate to everyone including mean people. If someone is deliberately mean to you and you ignore that, and be polite and calm in return, it messes with their heads. If someone has no clue of the impact of their behaviour but isn’t malicious, your good example sets a standard they can copy.

Leo Says:

September 28th, 2007, 7:45 am

@Paul: Is every criticism valid? No, not at all. But you should still try to consider it, and determine whether it’s valid. If you feel it’s not, after careful consideration, thank the person anyway for sharing his perspective, and move on. However, I think the more common tendency is to reject criticism without careful consideration, and sometimes we reject criticism that might actually improve what we do, if we give it a chance.

@Anand: I understand what you mean … getting criticism in person, especially if it’s harsh criticism, can be difficult. How should you react? For myself, I usually have to bite my tongue, as I have a tendency towards anger and defensiveness at first. I will often just nod, and not say anything, for fear that I’ll say something I’ll regret. Then I remove myself from the situation, and allow myself to cool down and give it some thought. Sometimes it takes awhile before I can see something with any clarity.

I think that when we’re in a face-to-face situation, there’s a feeling that we must respond immediately. But that’s not always true. I think we can remove ourselves from the situation and take some cooling down time, consider in private, and respond either in person or in writing when we’ve had time to think about it. Never write in anger, and especially in a professional situation, never respond at all in anger. Cool down first.

blah Says:

September 28th, 2007, 8:47 am

“…it can also be viewed in a positive way: it is honesty, and it can spur us to do better.”

Except when it’s not honesty. Some people just like to tell you crap to try to make you feel bad.

Jim Says:

September 28th, 2007, 10:29 am

Wrotten article, junk… only joking - just checking your reaction. Very nice article. I recommend we email the link to a certain president based in Washington.

Phraedus Says:

September 28th, 2007, 10:36 am

I was quite critical of another article you wrote, and still stand by that criticism, mainly because I considered it ‘constructive criticism’. Perhaps there is an article to come from you about how to criticise others well.

I think the strength of your writing lies in the eastern philosophy, the meditation, getting up early, being graceful and handling criticism. These articles are well written, it seems as though you care about them better. There are plenty of life hacker articles on the internet about saving 10 seconds a day. I suggest you place your energy into the formerly mentioned.

Now my two cents. Taking a walk to cool down as a policy is a good way to learn how to not respond with anger. However, it is a temporary solution. What one should aim for is to be able to ‘be’ in an argument, to have the argument with another person, and to not let anger get in the way. It might be some time before this is possible to do, but it is important, so that others feel they can be honest with you, and not feel ignored. I should write more about this, but i think you will get the gist.

The second thing is that in the vein of honesty, it’s important to be able to be honest with another person. Conflict is important, in liberation, on levelling the playing field, it’s necessary. Your blog is good because it begins to outline what’s necessary to be able to conflict well. To be able to separate yourself, to not get angry, cool down (if possible), be objective, don’t take it personally. All good. This advice is also good in the heat of the moment, in the lover’s tiff, when taking a walk could damage the situation. This can be handled better in most cases, and doesn’t just need to be avoided.

Phraedus

Keith Says:

September 28th, 2007, 10:42 am

A very good article. Perhaps you could do a follow up on how to avoid being critical next? How to respond to stressful situations, or the failings of others in positive ways?

One of my tricks for that is to consider one of my favourite quotes:

“If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Brad Says:

September 28th, 2007, 11:06 am

@Joriki Monkey: “[Should we] always respond only to the constructive part of criticism?”

Now, in subsequent emails/posts/what-have-yous, if the invective is still present, then I would be inclined to mention its undesirability to the person. But still in a polite fashion.

—————————————————————————-

Joriki Monkey:

In the field of Behavior, Business Psuchology that is, “extinguishing” or ignoring bed behavior can be a successful deterrant. It works much like punishment, but in a passive way. By not addressing the behavior, it sends the message that, “insults won’t work when dealing with me.” With future dealings, the behavior may be eliminated. Also, anyone who will call you an idiot over an opinon is trying to get a rise out of you. Responding will only feed the fire.

Suzanne Says:

September 28th, 2007, 11:51 am

I just got a reaming out, in a meeting (that I was facilitating), yesterday. Several people were berating me for something I’d done (and several were quiet and some meekly said, hey we’re all trying to do a good job). The most agressive person is an early 20s something (about 20 years younger than me). I did not respond emotionally but continued to work to facilitate the meeting.

I still don’t know if I’ll be doing anything to promote discussion on the emotional meeting, but I got a little satisfaction and giggled to myself when I thought of a comment I might be able to make should the opportunity come up - “I hope someday, when he has kids, they grow up to be just like him.” It’s not the most constructive, but I had fun. And, should the opportunity come up, it will lighten the tone.

GW Says:

September 28th, 2007, 13:14 pm

One thing I learned about e-conversations is the fact that words have no emotion and your mood dictates how you feel about x or y statement. If you are having a good day “Thanks for the chat.” can mean a good thing - bad day.. “Thanx for the chat.” can come over as sarcastic or rude.
Thank you for your words, I get criticism a lot since I do commercial art, and I am a student. I always took offence, defended myself and then lay awake at night upset at them - and then myself when the “Thats what they meant” point arrives.

Lesson learned in advance. I am inspired again to be fearless and humble with all things I do now.

Yeehah - where’s my hat :)

Filip Lam Says:

September 28th, 2007, 15:16 pm

I usually don’t read entire articles but this time I actually did. Very nice!

geri Says:

September 28th, 2007, 15:40 pm

I’ve been reading your blog since April and look forward to reading it daily. As an art student, I would also like to see an article on how to give constructive criticism. It’s so important in our learning process to receive AND give it.

Thanks so much and keep up the great work!

Sunny Says:

September 28th, 2007, 16:34 pm

Phraedus,

You do know that most of us here are nowhere near the level of emotional stability needed to ‘be in an argument’ as you put it.

Everybody has to start somewhere and its far safer for a newbie to take a walk than to attempt to block out anger while being criticized.

Also, I think you just want readers to recognize you as an expert in these matters. Your responded to this article by criticizing (again) and not constructively.

Note that many readers of this blog are experts in there own various fields and would instantly notice an “I know everything” kinda personality.

Now respond to that constructively :D

Will Says:

September 28th, 2007, 18:38 pm

In a few self-improvement books I’ve read, it’s been related that (~handicapping the situation for your personality type), you ALWAYS critique the ACTIONS, Never the Core Person.

You critique the BEHAVIOR, not the Soul.

Ex: You behaved stupidly back there. -Not: You’re really a worthless dumbass after all, aren’t you?

Nobody out there knows what your genuine potential is for goodness, brilliance, compassion, fairness, generosity, virtue, etc. -Except YOU! -Regardless of any perceived authority, even that of a parent.

Lately it seems, people are into asking others to tell them who they are, rather than self-defining.

(all that being said, people do not change unless they want to & I know many people who do not listen to others, which is an equally bad & unbalanced characteristic to have)

Phraedus Says:

September 28th, 2007, 20:23 pm

@Sunny,

Interestingly enough, your right. To begin with, I’m not an expert in the field, as many of the people here are. I’m happy to consider myself a newbie, and I realise the tone that I wrote the article in doesn’t communicate that. It’s interesting that you think I’m a ‘I know everything’ kind of personality. I’ll take that on board, and think about it. Maybe I’ll respond to it later if this debate continues long enough, for now, it’s food for thought.

I just re-read my comment, and I don’t think it I communicated the main point well. I think that this article is fantastic, it’s some of Leo’s best work. Practising this as a way of anger management is great, and a fantastic way to break out of the cycle of pointless arguing. The point of my comment is two-fold, that indeed, after practising this advice, it might be a good goal to be able to work towards not having to walk away, but sit and take the criticism, to hear it out. As a third step, one might be able to respond without anger to the criticiser. To begin with, with a thankyou (as Leo suggested), but ultimately after that, to be able to work up to a constructive response.

Perhaps there is an article to be written eventually about constructive conflict. Let me note again, that this is newbie advice.

Sunny, your most potent comment is your first.

“You do know that most of us here are nowhere near the level of emotional stability needed to ‘be in an argument’ as you put it.”

It struck a chord with me immediately. People don’t have it together, or all the answers, I don’t. But I disagree with the fact that people don’t have the emotional stability to be able to ‘be’ in an conflict. People have amazing potential, and I have faith that they will be able to learn and grow, and that’s why they read these articles. I feel it’s important to recognise that being ‘emotionally unstable’ is temporary, that by starting to deal with criticism constructively, to really listen to others, is an important first step. However, it’s important to exercise proper judgement on when taking space is helpful to a conflict, and when it will do more harm than good.

I think it comes down to valuing the other person adequately, and what you think is in their best interests.

Raven Says:

September 29th, 2007, 11:45 am

Leo - what an excellent article on such a difficult topic. It’s so hard to NOT let your emotions in when dealing with criticism. I found each tip very useful. Also useful is the large bank of comments following your post - an excellent sampling on giving/receiving criticism with great opinions and insights — even the critical ones ;)

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

somebody Says:

September 29th, 2007, 16:26 pm

Dealing with online comments on the blog etc. are comparatively easy to deal with - the harder part is the face-to-face criticism. Especially, at work or so, where people don’t miss an opportunity to criticize just to prove dominance or so. I don’t know how to deal with those. If you always follow the “don’t fight back” principle, you might be mistaken as a submissive or so. Would do you guys think about that?

Fred Says:

September 29th, 2007, 19:41 pm

Thank you

Anand Says:

September 29th, 2007, 20:34 pm

There is one aspect of dealing with criticism that I learnt from one of my mentors at my previous job. Pardon me if someone has had a similar experience and has already mentioned it here. I did not read all the comments.

If you read an email that has a lot of criticism and feel strongly about reacting to it immediately, go ahead and write up a response which portrays your first instincts. However, rather than hit the send button, save the draft and come back to review it after some time. In most cases, you tend to hit the cancel button as you feel this is not how you want to handle it.

I have tried this approach and it really works.

marigoldie Says:

September 29th, 2007, 21:50 pm

Wow, I so appreciate this post and all these thoughtful comments.

Criticism is a hot point in my relationship. I don’t take it well at all–at first, anyway. I do take it seriously and try to learn later, but in the moment, I get angry and pop off. I’ve got to figure out how to slow down my reaction. Those first few seconds get me in trouble.

Dan Says:

October 1st, 2007, 0:15 am

Not defending is the best course.

I found that if I simply acknowledge the complaint without defending myself the complaint will keep bothering me, which I see as a good thing. If someone was upset enough to speak to me, I should spend time considering the complaint.

On the other hand, if I defend myself or offer an explanation, I put the complaint into the “dealt with” box and don’t think about it, which is disservice to my self and the person who brought the matter to my attention.

Casey Says:

October 1st, 2007, 17:54 pm

I think that accepting criticism with grace is especially relevant in this digital age. People aren’t usually held accountable when they are communicating over email or IM.

I have some remote co-workers who at times can be less than encouraging with their criticism. Perhaps, I can apply some of this to my interactions with them.

quench Says:

October 2nd, 2007, 0:22 am

I’ve loved reading this whole thread. It seems to me that Phraedus has just perfectly exemplified all the qualities Leo talks about, in Phraedus’ interchange with Sunny. Amazing to see the evolution of expression there…

Mahida Says:

October 2nd, 2007, 18:04 pm

**** Criticium ****
**** There is nothing good or bad
in the world thinking makes it so **** OK friend
“”" Always be HAPPY, Always wear a SMILE;
Not because life is full of reasons to
SMILE but because your SMILE itself is a
reason for many others to SMILE…. “”"”
All things are in our mind so clean mind and thinks good…

Marcus Says:

October 3rd, 2007, 9:16 am

My advice to handling criticism: IGNORE IT.
More often do criticisms do to complicate one’s life than to help one (unless you know how to handle the criticism).

Ferris Says:

October 3rd, 2007, 17:44 pm

“You are an idiot and I didn’t like this article!”
haha :)
Just kidding
you have to write a book, why not?

Henriette Says:

October 8th, 2007, 6:01 am

Thanks for a great article, which really made me think…however; I would like to add that there are times when an unexpected rude answer to rude criticism is totally ok…Just to show an idiot that there sometimes is a consequence when you behave badly…
I really don’t want to feel bad for sometimes firing right back when its deserved - ok, maybe its not very zen, but every once in a while I think its ok?

fligedit Says:

October 8th, 2007, 8:53 am

thank you zara :)
guess what, i found your page right after arguing with my boss. and… he might be right on some critics about me. your article fit what i thought already and tried to be/do, but you developped it very well, maybe a bit too long ;)

ps: will you realy read all replies? :o

ps bis: visit stumble blogs, or even try stumbleupon, you may like it ;)

Stijepan Blazevic Cabach Says:

October 8th, 2007, 10:49 am

Thanks for the post, i found it really usefull, personaly.