Photo courtesy of pedrosimoes7 A Marital Spark: 6 Principles For More Passion And Energy In Marriage
Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Corey of The Simple Marriage Project.
Tell me if this has happened to you: You wake up one morning several years into your marriage and wonder how in the world did I end up here? Not wondering this in an overly negative way, as in I can’t believe I am with this person (although that may indeed be the case) but instead wondering how marriage ended up being so far from what you thought it would be.
Think about it. How did you think marriage would be when you were growing up? Did it look anything like what you are experiencing? There are very few people that when honestly assessing their life, can say that everything turned out thus far like they dreamed.
Many people go into a marriage with an ideal in mind. After saying “I do” to him or her, life will be happily ever after. Long walks on a sunset beach, hand in hand, staring into each others eyes, and then making love in the morning with the cool breeze through the window and the birds singing in the trees… Blah, Blah, Blah. If you are married, you know full well that this fairy tale seldom, if ever occurs.
Many people also don’t go into a relationship having thought through worst case scenarios. What’s the worst that could happen in a marriage? Is it the prospect of divorce? Maybe. For me, the worst case scenario would be marital monotony. Settling for the same thing each and every day for as long as we both shall live. Where do I sign?
How do so many marriages end up ho-hum? I think the answer lies in this statement: people will choose unhappiness over uncertainty.
They choose to settle with their spouse. The idea becomes “well if this is as good as it’s going to get, ok,” or “they are never going to change so I might as well get used to it.” In this scenario, the only thing left to do is wait for death, which may be a long way off.
So what’s the secret to a lasting marriage? It’s simple, two people who choose to stay together. That’s it.
But what’s the secret to a passionate and adventurous marriage? Glad you asked.
At first guess, your answer may be love. The cynic Ambrose Bierce defines love as “a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.” The answer really lies in the realization that marriage is not about happiness, it’s about the two people becoming better humans.
Marriage done right is a people growing machine.
Marriage will test you, stretch you, and cause you to grow. This is inherit in every committed relationship. We want the best from them. They want the best from us.
Rather than making marriage more complicated than it has to be, here are 6 principles that are key to adding passion and energy to marriage.
1. Grow spiritually. Whether you believe in God or some other higher power, it’s safe to say that many people believe there is a spiritual nature around us. We are interconnected to the world. The spiritual nature of the world frees us from acting as the end-all-be-all. It’s not our responsibility to keep the world functioning. But I am connected to the world around me. To others around me.
To grow spiritually, I need to acknowledge this interconnectedness and seek to serve others. To love more. To give more of myself. Leo has previously addressed this idea: Love thy enemy, Live the Golden Rule, Help a fellow human being.
2. Learn to live complaint-free. The world around us is not as many would like it to be. Things don’t always go our way. It’s easy to react to life’s disappointments by complaining. The problem is, complaining doesn’t help the situation. It’s like sitting in a rocking chair. It’s comfortable, and you may even feel like you’re getting something done. But you don’t end up going anywhere. Try the 21-day complaint-free marriage experiment. Offer solutions to life’s problems rather than complain. Take action in life and marriage and you won’t have time to complain.
3. Live passionately. There’s countless ways to go about living passionately. Do the work you love. Give to a cause you care deeply about. Serve others. With so many ways to live with passion, there are still many of us who struggle to make it happen.
In order to discover your passion, grab a cup of coffee and a some paper. Spend a morning with these questions:
What excites me in life?
What stirs something deep in my soul?
What can I offer to others that no one else can?
Begin by writing down initial reactions in the form of lists, then work to narrow it down to the main ideas. There’s your passion. The next step is up to you. What keeps you from living from your passion?
4. Live simply. I don’t know if you’re like me, but one of the reasons I’m a daily visitor of Zen Habits is the practical tips for simplifying life. Enough said.
5. Have sex. While this may appear to be one of those no-brainer principles, you’d be surprised at the number of married couples that have trouble in this area. Now before you head off and have sex with someone other than your spouse, realize that research continues to say that the marital bed is still the hot bed of sex. However, every couple is not immune to difficulties in this area of the marriage.
Men and women are different when it comes to sex. I realize this is not groundbreaking news but it plays a major role. First, there are biological differences. Research shows that most men need about a second on average to be interested in and ready for sex. If you’re an older male, it may be 2 seconds. Women on the other hand, need about 20 minutes. When you add to this that research also shows the length of time sex actually lasts is 3 minutes, it’s no wonder there may be problems. 17 minutes after sex if over, the woman is ready.
Second, more than just an act, sex is a language. You communicate in many ways during sex. Likes, dislikes, love, passion, energy, fears, disappointments.
The best part, you can learn to be a better linguist (shameless plug: I’ve written many posts on this subject as well as other marriage topics at The Simple Marriage Project. Now off to class you go!
6. Live in community. Much like the first point, life is better when we live in community with others. Aligning yourself with others who have similar dreams and goals will produce a tremendous synergy. You can feed off each other. The same is true when it comes to couples. Seek out other couples with similar philosophies on life. Spend time with friends. Dream together. You will find that other people can be a great resource to challenge you to get more out of life.
We are relational beings. Things are better when shared with others.
That’s it. Did I miss anything? Care to add to the list or replace one of the principles?
Read more from Corey at The Simple Marriage Project (or subscribe to his feed).
—
If you liked this article, please share it on del.icio.us, StumbleUpon or Digg. I’d appreciate it. :)
—
Elsewhere: Deadline Busters: 15 Tips for Generating Ideas When You’re Drawing a Blank
- Posted on 5 August 2008 in Finance & Family, Happiness |
- Digg |
- Del.icio.us |
- Stumble |
Comments (47)
Jeff@MySuperChargedLife Says:
August 5th, 2008, 21:11 pm
I’ve been married for almost 17 years and I can testify that these suggestions are good ones. Maintaining a successful relationship is work. You cannot get lazy and expect your marriage to thrive. Bookmark this article and review it once a month!
Writer Dad Says:
August 5th, 2008, 21:26 pm
#1: Communication. My wife and I are best friends, and business partners. We are as excited by the company of the other as we were ten years ago when our eyes first met. But it’s all about communication. We both know how to give and receive. It’s never a mystery what the other one is thinking and that creates an amazing openness between us. I’m lucky that I got to marry my best friend, but I’m also half way responsible for how tight the bond has stayed.
Annie Binns Says:
August 5th, 2008, 21:47 pm
Corey these are great principles. I’ve found that # 2 (stop complaining) has made a HUGE difference in my marriage (I was the complainer). Not only did I cut off the complaining, but I added compliments at the same time. I thought I was doing it for my husband but as it turns out, it’s me who feels so much better all the time! I’d add being complimentary and being grateful to your list. A little “nice haircut” and “thanks for taking the trash out” can go a long way.
deb Says:
August 5th, 2008, 22:09 pm
“Marriage done right is a people growing machine.” YUM. (love that!) (want that!) :)
I enjoy your posts (and comments) on here Corey; thanks for answering those three questions (… and then doing what you do with the answers). :)
Moonshine Says:
August 5th, 2008, 22:14 pm
I would also add the ability to be flexible, and to respect each other’s personalities. I’ve been married only for a month now but I can definitely say this:
When a difficulty arises, each person should take a step towards each other so they can find a middle-point that is good for both of them.
If the same person has his/her way all the time and dominates the decision-making process, the marriage is bound to fail, in my opinion.
Chris Says:
August 5th, 2008, 22:16 pm
I think these are all good suggestions and emphasize becoming better individuals-together. All but #5 are equally as important for those not in relationships. I also concur with Writer Dad in his communication point. I see listening as being more important than talking.
Vered Says:
August 5th, 2008, 22:35 pm
Marrying Ido is the best thing that ever happened to me. :)
I would add: laugh together.
Shanel Yang Says:
August 5th, 2008, 23:12 pm
To help with the communication part of it, avoid the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse for marriage: (1) defensiveness; (2) stonewalling; (3) criticizing; and (4) showing contempt. Experts can tell in as little as 15 minutes or less if a marriage will ultimately end in divorce by these signs while a couple discussing a point of disagreement. I wrote about this in my post “4 Signs that a Marriage Will End in Divorce” at http://shanelyang.com/2008/03/23/4-signs-that-a-marriage-will-end-in-divorce/
Overcoming Lifes Obstacles Says:
August 5th, 2008, 23:58 pm
I used to think how could someone be married 20 years and then get a divorce? And then it happened to me!
I tried everything mentioned above - but it does take both people to choose to stay in the relationship. My ex would have never left yet he constantly showed 3 of the 4 horsemen signs Shanel mentions above.
Leaving was the hardest thing I ever did - But it was also one of the best things I ever did for me personally. So I’d say knowing when it’s over it’s important also.
Alison Wiley Says:
August 6th, 2008, 0:35 am
Thanks, Corey. I agree with most (not quite all) of your list. I have finally gotten marriage right on my third try, and here are the principles my husband and I are living by here in Portland, Oregon::
http://www.diamondcutlife.org/diamond-cut-sustainable-marriage/
99ppp Says:
August 6th, 2008, 1:21 am
I’d be very VERY cautious with #2 : “Learn to live complaint-free” While I agree when it’s regarding petty little quibbles, that might be interpreted by some as shoving valid grievances under the rug. If my hunny has some sort of valid issue with my behaviour, I rather hear it from her, instead of her keeping it in, and keeping me clueless. I may agree or disagree with her assessment, but I would be pretty pissed if she suddenly erupted with some ancient issue that she kept in simply to “keep the peace”.
Communication isn’t always easy, or pleasant. Keeping some important concern by one partner or both partners can lead to passive-agressive behaviour, simply out of lack of courage to speak out.
I understand perpetual complaining can be annoying and destructive, so I see the spirit of that principle. I would change #2 to learn how to communicate effectively.
Leo Says:
August 6th, 2008, 1:32 am
@99ppp: I agree with you, but I think the distinction is that while you should communicate problems, such communication is better if it’s positive and solution-oriented, rather than negative complaining.
Suzanne Says:
August 6th, 2008, 2:42 am
You would think that these simple steps would be so natural for people who love each other. It’s strange that we need to be told these things, but we do! These steps were not a part of my 1st marriage, which ended in divorce. However, I did a lot of soul searching and reading before I remarried. My second marriage includes several of the steps you mentioned. I will also add that I believe your thoughts can create a lot of what your marriage will bring to you. Think you have a terrible relationship, and it will probably be terrible. Think about how much you love your spouse and what you appreciate about them, and your relationship will reflect accordingly!
beth nc Says:
August 6th, 2008, 7:56 am
Enjoy the simple pleasures of every day life together. It could be lingering over a cup of tea or coffee, going for a walk. . .
For us, spending just a little bit of peaceful time together without getting into to do lists, work, or household projects keeps us happily connected. (They’ll be plenty of time for to do lists later.)
- beth (married 15 years)
Pete Says:
August 6th, 2008, 8:08 am
I’ve been married for almost 2 years and this is a great post.
“The cynic Ambrose Bierce defines love as ‘a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.”
How true is that? I think the advice is also important, especially the sex. I never realized before marriage about the big time difference for getting into it b/t a man & a woman. That took a little while to get used to. At first, I thought I just turned my wife off all of a sudden.
I think b/c when you date, you have the time to kind of get into it b/c it is spent together, with only each other to focus on. But when you live together, then that time is no longer special and all about each other. You have all kinds of distractions such as house work, relatives, bills, and other life related elements. You grow so used to one another, that getting passionate is sometimes hard work. A guy expects it to just happen, where a girl takes a while.
Great advice Leo.
Mary Says:
August 6th, 2008, 8:33 am
I haven’t read all of the comments, so forgive me if this is a repeat, but I would add: Laugh together. When my husband and I sit and talk and laugh together, those are some of our best moments as a couple. Just thinking about them makes me smile.
mike Says:
August 6th, 2008, 9:11 am
Generally I don’t make generalisations.
There are many reasons why marriages break down.
Infidelity is one reason which you didn’t touch on. It’s all very well following your good guidelines but if the other partner is playing the field then the marriage is over.
Sometimes people just want a change and there’s not much you can do. it’s kinda in their genes. They want to see if the grass is greener.
So although I agree in principle with what you are saying, there’s no silver bullet to a long and lasting marriage.
Erin Says:
August 6th, 2008, 9:27 am
Seeing as how today is my wedding anniversary, this was great timing. Great read!
Avi Marcus Says:
August 6th, 2008, 9:27 am
I recall hearing that infatuation is G-D’s gift so people could get married. Then, you have to do it yourself.
Love is a verb - you have to do the things that people in love do. You must do YOUR side - giving, caring, etc. People mirror your attitude back to you.
Lisa | Holistic Treatment for Depression Says:
August 6th, 2008, 9:29 am
Marriage really is a spiritual journey. After being married ten years I’ve learned that if you both view it that way, it helps.
It’s a pretty amazing gift when you consider that have an opportunity to truly know and love someone and at the end of your life you’ll know that there was someone who TRULY knew you and loved you through it all.
Corey - Simple Marriage Project Says:
August 6th, 2008, 9:45 am
@ Mike- you are correct if one member wants to be in a marriage while the other plays the field, there’s really little you can do but move on from the marriage. It’s up to both people to make marriage work. It’s also up to both people to make marriage come fully alive.
@Avi- I like the love is a verb idea.
Dot H. Says:
August 6th, 2008, 10:15 am
I agree that people don’t know what they’re getting into with marriage sometimes. People can have the oddest expectations. One person I used to know expected his wife to be a support system, cooking, cleaning and supporting him while he continued to date on the sly. He also apparently expected sex-on-demand, regardless of his wife’s feelings or needs.
In my case, I married someone before I knew enough about him, believed what he told me, and discovered later that he was deeply in debt, had a serious spending problem and was in denial. This tore apart the marriage very quickly.
Women (and men too, sometimes) often make the mistake of thinking they can change someone with love and support. It’s not likely, and if that person shows no inclination to change, beware — it’s not going to happen.
Since I’m twice divorced, I don’t have much to contribute on successful marriage, just on the pitfalls of unsuccessful ones.
Jasi Says:
August 6th, 2008, 10:23 am
Great post. I’d like to add “wait” to the list.
When partnered with someone for a long time you’re bound to experience life changes in different ways, life events too. Each stretch in our own personal growth has left the other person feeling confused or frustrated until we come to the same place again. It would be (has been) really easy to let these lonely feelings tear us apart. But developing a sense of patience and trust that the other person won’t let you down has really made a difference in our relationship.
For example when we finished college, he was sensible in a 9 to 5, while I showed up to work tired from partying. We spent very little time together though we shared space. But eventually, I came around. Same in reverse for when we had our first child. I swear he thought children were only for playtime, leaving me to do diapers, sleep, feedings. But it evened out, he learned to embrace all of the roles of parenting and we’re pretty content. You know?
Jonathan B. Says:
August 6th, 2008, 10:54 am
Marriage is a people growing machine, if done right, and in a way both partners should challenge and help each other. At the same time, they also need to accept each other for who they are. It’s a balancing act, like most other things in life.
SpaceAgeSage Says:
August 6th, 2008, 10:56 am
“Marriage done right is a people growing machine.”
My husband says that, at the end of his days, he would like to be able to have these words on his gravestone: “I helped my wife be all she could be.” This attitude changes us into mutual “people growers.”
Lori
99ppp Says:
August 6th, 2008, 11:00 am
@Leo: …such communication is better if it’s positive and solution-oriented, rather than negative complaining.”
Sensible, reasonable and logical. Yet we are speaking about passion, which is a double edge sword. I’d be almost as concerned for a couple who claims they never argue as to one who claims they argue all the time.
“The mass of (wo)/men live lives of quiet desperation” - Thoreau
My disagreement is about degree… “complaint-FREE”.
I agree with the principle of limiting complaints especially those that can be described as nit-picking, nagging or whining. Those can be self-indulgent, disempowering and destructive without looking for solutions and acting. I suspect you are referring to those. Yet valid grievences can fall within the sphere of complaint.
Passion is wild and untamed, yet can be channeled harmonically with reason. This is why passionate disputes resolved often can transmute to passionate nights. ;)
Too much reason can stifle passion though. Finding that balance can be tricky, but well worth the quest.
Peace.
Celeste Says:
August 6th, 2008, 11:32 am
this is just a GREAT article! Thank you so much for writing it. I honestly have become completely ennured to all the complaining! Ex h complained like 24 hours a day…new h complains about 12…I complain comparitively! My friends complain out the ying yang. I don’t know that I ever considered that it isn’t the NORM. Thank you again for this article. Excellent!!
Hayden Tompkins Says:
August 6th, 2008, 12:28 pm
This is FABULOSITY INCARNATE. What a wonderful article.
I particularly like #5. Just saying.
Jonathan Mead Says:
August 6th, 2008, 12:45 pm
I could definitely use some of this advice.
Btw, Leo: Your link to the “Simple Marriage Project” is broken. =)
Vivek Says:
August 6th, 2008, 14:17 pm
The key to a happy married life, in my opinion and experience, is to have a committment to serve together. If the committment is to each other, then it is like two lines coming at each other - they meet and then they part. If the committment is to be useful to others around us, then it is like two parallel lines, running together forever…
Many times we are too stuck with our likes and dislikes. We don’t even allow the other person the freedom to just be or the freedom to have their own opinion. Committment can take us past all that.
Vivek Says:
August 6th, 2008, 14:24 pm
And, uh, as part of serving together, automatically everything happens - personal growth happens for both, intimacy grows, complaints disappear, love manifests, hidden talents come out, you can’t but be grateful for your partner!
morgin1013 Says:
August 6th, 2008, 14:46 pm
I honestly believe that TV’s and movies have made a lot of people have unrealistic expectations of marriage and love and it gets them into a lot of trouble (49% divorce rate). They portray an unrealistic love conquers all theme. They make it seem so easy like if you love each other everything will be just fine. But that just isn’t how it works in real life you can love someone and still not be able to make it work. It takes work, commitment, and compromise. In our “me” generation people seem to think that everything should go our way and if there is one little bump in the road they just give up. I also believe that people do not spend enough time really getting to know each other before marriage. Especially when you first start dating you both are on your best behavior then as time goes on your “habits/traits” come out (like being badly in debt but had been pretending to have lots of money to impress your date, really being a slob but hiding it, etc). I honestly believe that it takes a lot of time to really love someone (faults and all) and that you can’t love someone after a few months or weeks because you’re still getting to know the real them you might care for them but real deep lasting love takes time. The most important thing that movies get wrong is love is boring it’s is not exciting, it’s not all sunset walks on the beach, and desperate can’t live without them feelings. Ask anyone who has been married a long time and they will tell you marriage is more about mundane everyday things, it’s about someone you can just sit and talk with about nothing.
Holly Hoffman Says:
August 6th, 2008, 16:49 pm
What an awesome post! I’m not married, but this post makes me think I just might make it as a hitched person after all. Thanks!
chris@watdawat Says:
August 6th, 2008, 17:33 pm
What do you do when the passion dies? Do you continue the marriage or do you get out? Sometimes no matter what you do, people just fall out of love.
Leo Says:
August 6th, 2008, 18:42 pm
@Johnathan Mead: Thanks for pointing out the broken link! It’s fixed now.
@999pp: You’re right, of course … there will inevitably be arguments and grievances, and that’s a natural part of any relationship. Note that I did say that it’s *better* to communicate in a positive way … that doesn’t mean it will happen all the time. :)
I think you make some good points, and they supplement the point of the article, which is that you should trying to avoid complaining all the time. Try to be positive and solution-oriented whenever possible … but make room for the negative as well. It’s a part of marriage, and we should accept and embrace that. Great points!
Karyl Says:
August 6th, 2008, 19:57 pm
I’ve been married for approximately 3.5 days– but I would like that to continue on for many years, so I will take your suggestions to heart. They sound like they’re pretty on point!
3drage Says:
August 6th, 2008, 20:11 pm
I know there are words underneath, but I can’t stop looking at the picture.
Art Says:
August 6th, 2008, 21:43 pm
Sex, Money, Kids. Those are the big 3 issues that can lead to divorce. If you ever watch Oprah, you’ve seen the dozens of shows on women who just aren’t interested in sex. Of course, this has been shown to be more about hormones than whether your mate makes the bed and does dishes, but no one wants to admit it.
I like the suggestions. I think you should strive to be positive and attempt to get to know someone a bit before you get hitched. Marry someone you LIKE, who would make a great friend. Forget the one that tingles your spine but treats you like dookie, even from the get go.
Everyone can add to this list. My big thing is try to be romantic now and then. Women, try not to gain weight… be that hottie we fell in love with. Have sex when you don’t feel like it (both of you).
Probably #1 for me has been sharing goals and enjoying the journey to get there. Make sure to stop and smell the roses and spend TIME together.
Corey - Simple Marriage Project Says:
August 7th, 2008, 9:09 am
@Chris- Great question-”what do you do when the passion dies?” The answer will vary for everyone, but to me it boils down to choice. I can choose to reclaim the passion.
Often when marital passion dies, it’s coupled with life passion dying. This brings the possibility of reclaiming life passion in order to spark marital passion. All of life goes together. You work on one area, the others benefit as well.
Jennifer Says:
August 7th, 2008, 11:33 am
I think this article is fabulous! Thank you. The marriage I am in is vastly different than the one in “my dreams”. I pictured staying up late at night, cuddling, and talking until one of us drifts off…..sharing our day, dreams etc. But then I went and married a guy who hates to talk! Can’t stand if I say “what if”, so I am trying to adjust my expectations. But it is very hard, I married way too young. And really didn’t search in my soul for the person that would really fufill me. How do you make the best of a decision you made when you were 20?
Stephen Smith Says:
August 8th, 2008, 9:54 am
Re: Sex - I heard a quote once (I think its in a song) that men turn on like a lamp, and women turn on like an iron.
This tidbit has helped my own marriage!
Art Says:
August 8th, 2008, 13:27 pm
Stephen… I’ve never heard that quote about the iron, but that might explain why a certain part of the male anatomy is full of wrinkles. ;o)
Mary Says:
August 8th, 2008, 17:37 pm
I am new to this site and will visit your site shortly but I very much wanted to comment her first. Lots of good advice here. As Mary said above (not the same Mary) laughter is a keeper. My brother has been married for over 40 years and through two bouts so breast cancer with his wife - that is their key to staying in communication. A very interesting article I just came from at familymatters.vision.org covers tensions that arise in marriages and “communication—a catchall term parents used to refer to problems such as being open, honest, understanding, and patient with each other.” (quoted in the blog post by Gina Stepp from M.R. Waller). I thought that was a good viewpoint to have on what communication is as it is a catch all.
Cubicle Hacker Says:
August 10th, 2008, 10:42 am
Never forget your individual goals. In marriage many people let the relationship take over and lose who where there just because society expect us to belong and be 100% part of this new living arrangement.
Don’t forget who you are.
Laurie Says:
August 10th, 2008, 15:47 pm
Wow Corey! Great post.
Corey has taught me so much about marriage and living fully alive over the past couple of years. He has changed me in a way that I can’t fully express. My marriage is better than ever and I am going for my dreams now. He showed me I can take care of myself and live a live of passion.
If you guys haven’t been to his blog http://www.simplemarriage.net , you need to check it out. He has a lot of wisdom to share.
You go Corey! Yeah for you!
Blythe Says:
August 12th, 2008, 1:26 am
This is a lovely, and most important, thought and action-provoking guest post on not just getting by in relationship, but passionate partnership. Thank you!
I rarely motivate to share an article, but I passed this on to my life coaching team. It has the potential to enrich your experience of life as well as the impact you have on others.
Ultimately all parties must choose to stay together, but the test may not ultimately be the longevity of the relationship (who knows how long you may have together anyhow?), but the good times had along the way!
An approach like this attends to not only the practicalities of getting along, but also to what is essential to any fulfilled life.
Ron Lambert Says:
September 10th, 2008, 0:24 am
It’s less work to be out of a marriage than it is to stay in one. I believe we have gotten lazy and unwilling to do the work required to make a marriage last. When we do, amazing things happen.
Trackbacks (10)
- reflecting on marriage | beautiful addiction
- A Marital Spark: 6 Principles For More Passion And Energy In Marriage | awwwww.org
- Cheerleading in the Blogosphere « Persistent Illusion
- Links For Super-Charged Living - July 9, 2008 | My Super-Charged Life
- Study Matrix Blog - A Better Loving Relationship - 36 Critical Lessons | Mind Map
- Confessions Of A Blogaholic | The Simple Marriage Project
- Marriage Relationship and Sexual Problems » Blog Archive » 6 Principles For More Passion And Energy In Marriage
- Best Of Simple Marriages, August 2008 | The Simple Marriage Project
- what we all are searching for?
- Help me love – useful links | HelpMe.com
donate
to Zen Habits
browse
- Start here: Beginner's Guide
- View Categories
- View Popular Posts
search site
