Big and Weird Ass

Gettin' the baby weight off.

2010-06-09T15:30:00.002-04:00

What is it with the tight clothes?

I don't need nor want to see your c-section scar.

Good thing this anonymous submission is from the back.

That camel toe could be all blown out from the recent birthing and with those turquoise tights on I could no doubt see far, far too much of that train wreck.

Only two kinds of people should be wearing an outfit that tight.
Gymnasts and superheroes.

I am betting she is neither.

Is that a thong line I see?
Seriously girlfriend...a thong?

Ahhh.... Summer

2009-09-29T18:30:00.004-04:00

Feeling Sassy Feeling Free

Is she REALLY looking at strawberry patterned pajamas?

I hope it isn't a day wear consideration because she is working those jeans like no one else can.

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But These ARE My Good Jeans

Washed your hair this spring in preparation for going out...check

Took little sisters t-shirt because it enhances my figure...check

Rip pants to let everyone know what a rebel I am...check

Looking good....looking good

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I Am Going To Wear Something Sassy

Are there mirrors on your planet?

That tank top is about 4 minutes away from blowing out all over the place.

Hint: Don't show the world every crease you own...save something for the wedding night.

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There is no 5 second rule...I swear...just let it go.

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Ladies And Gentlemen...I Give You....Mister Majestic

Words cannot describe this vision as he parted the crowd with his sheer awesomeness and made his way towards destiny.

Broken hearts and shattered dreams in his wake.

This is the kind of outfit you set out the night before your head-on collision with fate.

You just don't "throw" this kind of image together, this takes years of adverse social behavior to build to this kind of final crescendo.

I didn't even KNOW they made construction orange crocs much less where one would actually search for and then buy a pair...with real grown up money and everything.

Although our subject ranked fairly low on the ass-o-meter, he pegged the needle on the weird-o-meter here at Big and Weird Ass.

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Every Delicious Dimple On Display

I just don't understand wearing something so tight and sheer everyone can tell if you waxed this week or not.

I bet she is working a serious camel toe on the other side of those sweats...just saying.

Remember when people used to work out or even jog in sweat pants and jogging suits?...how did we come to this?

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Tye-Dye Dream

Known mostly for it's slimming effects and general acceptance in the fashion world, Tye-Dye can double as a warning flag if lost or hurt in the wilderness.

Ok I get the shirt, you were drunk, Hootie and the blowfish were jamming and the moment hit you at the annual Woodstucky 2008 Harley festival and pig roast...I get that.

...but the hat?....did you really have to make it pop with the hat?

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You Say There Is No New Ass Out There?

2009-07-07T00:33:00.002-04:00

...call me a dirty girl.

This Dude....He made more fun of people than you can imagine. Mullet, business in front, party in back, and look at that jewelry....are you kidding me? You think I make fun of people? You should have heard this guy ripping on everyone who happen to walk by and yes that is his "old lady" next to him.

New rule...if your mullet is gray, your required to cut it off out of respect for humanity.

This guy is STILL in the 80's in some parallel universe ....Wake up, your busted on Big Weird Ass.
Why not just say "I want to fit every stereo type invented"?, This is in crackerville, USA. This dude is probably the ONLY guy of color in the town and he is TRYING to fit every stereotype invented, embridered pants hanging down so underwear shows, check...on cell phone because your business is way to important to wait even minutes, check...earring left over from the 80's, check.......way to go stud.

OMG.. Hairy man, I first met this guy in the john...I kid you not...with his leg up ala- Captain Morgan Style...taking a piss in the urinal while shirtless with one leg up on the plumbing...???...I have never urinated with my leg up in the air, what the heck was he trying to do?...this guy was wearing his fur coat like a badge of honor...you tell me...hot or not?

All frelaxed....where is the chips?....watch the "talking to the left" "eating to the right" chip grab move...she is so slick...

National Anthem is on...gasp...that was a work out.

"Exhausting....time to take a break...where is the deep fried food?"

I kid you not friend...he was wearing shorts earlier, when he went to put pants on I thought he was throwing down another blanket.

Its Veggy Time

2009-06-08T09:41:00.001-04:00

Sighted grazing recently in the wild, this majestic matriarchal female selects the choicest nuts and berries for herself during a solo foraging excursion away from the herd.

Silently examining each potential piece of vegetative deliciousness, she has the wisdom to know which goes best with a pound of bacon.

Just Keeping Fit

2008-11-08T13:35:00.002-05:00

Just working out, keeping fit for the ladies....feel the burn.

This is why bowling isn't an Olympic sport.

I like the way he got all dressed up for going out...must have a big weekend planned.

OMG! You guys suck!

2008-10-24T20:49:00.002-04:00

Let's start left to right shall we?

Skunk hair dye job girl...get over it...you look like a porn star from the 90's.

So many drums so little time?...dude I know drummers they are physically fit...you haven't beat anything other that your meat in years. Lose the shirt THEN lose the t-shirt under it...good golly man have some pride.

You in the green shirt with the pony tail...nice getting all dressed up to go out...how long have those pant cuffs been dragging through horse shit?

You with the green purse...time for a sun dress...enough said.

I see you there on the bench with your lime green outfit....good God woman...buy a full length mirror THEN go out.

You with the baseball cap...no whacking off allowed get your hand out of your pocket we ALL know your playing pocket pool with yourself and trust me dude...it looks like your losing.

SCORE! BWA Supreme!

2008-10-24T20:43:00.002-04:00

Big and Weird Ass scores a direct hit.

It's big.

It's weird.

It's an ass.

Personally I like the way the tube-halter-blouse-thingy rides on top of it.

And what are those?

See through petroleum based bra staps?......nice...Grandma would be proud.

Words do not do justice to it.

Ladies And Gentlemen...The Gunt

2008-10-24T20:39:00.002-04:00

I make NO claim to this one...it came from a hair dresser in Detroit.

A cross between the "gut" and the c-word "c***" = GUNT

You saw it here first and Thank You my hair dressing friend where ever thou art.

GASP...It's Robin Hood

2008-10-24T20:32:00.003-04:00

C'mon dude...try a little at least would you?

Why is your back pocket 14 centimeters above the back of your knee?

You have all of the faux rapper angst and none of the workout at the gym.

What makes it worse is you are carrying your sugar water for energy around with you.

The pants dragging through dung and mud ain't cutting it either.

What the hell is up with the red hoody?

Did Pete Wentz's tour bus break down on your paper route?

DIET pop

2008-10-24T20:23:00.003-04:00

My friend...diet pop is your answer.

Horizontal stripes are not your answer.

Ankle socks are not your answer.

Look Out Ladies

2008-10-24T20:18:00.002-04:00

Look Out Ladies...the FOX is on the prowl.

What the hell is this guy wearing?

I am all for out of the box thinking but the guy is out of bounds thinking.

Lose the driving cap..they ALWAYS look dumb........ALWAYS.

You would have looked cooler carrying a fifth of Jack Daniels....the "healthy water drinker look" isn't working for ya.

The lamb chops and flavor saver beard isn't going to bring the chicks a' running either.

Where Is The Fire Ladies?

2008-10-07T17:40:00.003-04:00

And one for the ladies...

If I was a fireman this guy would not want me as his partner, I couldn't even carry one of his legs out of a burning building.

I like this guy's confidence though, the way he is posing to show it off for the ladies......classy.

Hot dog rolls on the back of the neck....what lady can resist this kind of masculine charm?

Ring ring....Playgirl called, they want their centerfold back....grrrr.

Muffin Stuffin

2008-10-07T17:36:00.002-04:00

Fashion Tip # 34

Pants must fit to at least the hips and back pockets must make it to the top of the buttock.

If one or both of these criteria are not met, give the pants back to your child.

Are those marks on the pockets supposed to be making some kind of statement or did she accidentally sit in something?

Lucky Number?

2008-10-07T17:31:00.003-04:00

Lucky number or letting everyone know the number of hours it took to get those jeans on?

Those pants are so tight I think I can see a birth mark from here, I hope that is a birth mark.

Hour glass is the ideal shape for a lady on the town and this gal has no less than 14 hour glasses in view.

Form Fitting To Thrill The Boys

2008-10-07T17:26:00.003-04:00

What can you say?

When someone has it going on like this there is nothing you can add that isn't self explanatory in the photo.

Man's sweater.

Purple tight jogging sweats.

Scrunchy

This look must have taken hours to perfect.

....Vanity Fair here you come.

Dainty Outfit

2008-10-07T17:20:00.002-04:00

Fashion Tip # 967

Black is not for everyone.

This petite little outfit says much about this sassy girl's attitude.

Just one question, why not black shoes to complete the ensemble?

I think the older woman on the right is either taking a picture of the front of this charming outfit or me, what a freak!

Sex On Wheels

2008-10-02T16:27:00.004-04:00

Ah, yes..a personal transporter. (like they used in olden times)

For a mere $5500.00, you too can mobilize that BWA and look really, really...err......cool. *cough*

Our BWA field reporter had a difficult time taking this photo, having to fight their way through legions of fair maidens fawning over him.

Rumor has it, that a knight was disqualified from the 2pm jousting event, after insisting upon using a futuristic chariot in lieu of a horse.

And You Can't Find A Date?

2008-10-02T09:42:00.007-04:00

"I dunno what attracted me to her first" gushed Alonzo Rapheal Cortezio, "It could have been the sassy kangaroo tail, it could have been the homemade hanger and saffron fairy wings, it could have been the furry faux hooves...I just knew it was right."

"I felt a strange hearkening in my nether regions and it wasn't even that time" a tittering and giggling Sadie"fudgenator" Mayonaisio of the Kennybunkport Mayonasios replied.

"I saw his rubber ears, he saw mine, our antennae touched and we BOTH felt the magic." Sadie added.

"I asked him if that was a medieval ready meal in his pocket or if he was glad to see me, it was a ready meal though" Sadie reminisced fondly.

Next time your out on a Saturday night and can't pick up a potential mate, just think of the above photo.

If they can find each other and true love, you can at least get laid once in your life.

Note the girl on the right with the soft drink, she isn't catching flies with that open mouth she just can't believe what she is seeing.

How Does It Stay Up There?

2008-09-30T11:33:00.003-04:00

Fashion Tip #3

If it is sticking up your cooter, don't wear it. People will only wonder whats going on up there.

Fashion Tip # 99768

Buy shirts for the widest part not the smallest part, it does not have the slimming effect you think it does.

Fashion Tip# 4

No polka dots ever.

When Resting Pick Your Roost

2008-09-30T11:07:00.004-04:00

Darwin's Law?

If Darwin doesn't have this law he should.

It was found that when studying mass migration patterns of BWA that successful habits were imitated to the benefit of the whole.

Case in point, see photos above.

Whether these are subconscious or conscious decisions is not known, what is known is that when choosing a place to rest, the strongest structural point of any position was located and utilized by males, females, young and old.

Note the "stump to rump" location on these benches and even when something as sturdy as a 100 year old tree stump wasn't available, the ground itself was optioned over weak and pathetic 2x12 lumber benches, although provided in abundance to the herd.

Nature or nurture?

You decide.

Can You Hide In That Camo Better?

2008-09-29T10:12:00.003-04:00

Camouflage is never a good idea as a fashion statement.

Adding a army green military T shirt isn't telling the world you can color coordinate, it's telling them you just got out of ROTC for weekend leave.

Add a sexy ankle tattoo to divert attention away from the fact your showing the world your panty lines commando style and you "got it going on!"

Now top it all off with a 3 second hair-do courtesy of a scrunchy and your ready for deployment soldier.

That Hour Glass Shape The Boys Find So Appealing

2008-09-29T10:10:00.001-04:00

Please keep your PVC in the boudoir. Your shiny sticky petroleum based clothing selection is not appealing to anyone but the acne covered virgins in your community college ethics class.

When trolling for a new man have your "going to town" PVC halter on, pay for one third of a bad dye job and have your roommate pull your lacing tight enough to rupture your internal organs..it works like magic.

In the 2nd photo white has been added to the waist line to show exactly just how tightly this outfit was pulled together, possibly the most severe case of muffin top ever seen by this BWA reporter.

It hurts my small intestine just to look at it.

Fashion Foul - Trying Too Hard

2008-09-28T19:13:00.003-04:00

Bedunka dunk in the trunk...she could have come off really hot but took it a few points too far.

Errors noted:

A) Frayed cuffs from dragging your pants through dung, gum and other pleasant substances is never advised to complete "your statement".

B) Pants too low and too tight for your...your uh...feminine qualities. Our subject has advertised to the world her love of carbs in her choice of pants.

C) Squeeze all that goodness into a muffin top look that the kids really go for nowadays. There are other holes on that belt select one that is just a little looser that way if you find any loose change you can actually bend over to get it.

Do You Have Another Pair A Little Tighter?

2008-09-28T19:10:00.003-04:00

The expression of the two birdhouses in the upper left say it all.

How do people even squeeze themselves into pants this tight?

WHY do people even squeeze themselves into pants this tight?

Every Girls Crazy Bout A Sharp Dressed Man

2008-09-28T18:48:00.003-04:00

Fashion Tip #432 - Chicks dig a man who is secure enough to wear a child's backpack.

The subtle seductive power encompassed in this gentleman's ensemble is only to be out done by his sheer animal magnetism.

Black socks with gym shoes.

Child's school back pack.

Pop bottle tucked securely in front pocket.

He is a keeper ladies, you can take this one home to mom but remember... tell her hands off!

He is all yours.