The majority of individuals have a tough time finding true love because if they were to sit down and actually think about what they want, they would either have a laundry list that seemed unattainable or a list that would be so short that anyone could really fit the bill. Before you crucify me for saying this, think about it. Shouldn’t you be able to talk about the type of mate you want with no regard for the feelings of others? I mean: this is someone with whom you’re dreaming about spending the rest of your God-given life. There shouldn’t be a concern about being “shallow” or “insensitive”. This practice should be something that convicts honesty and encourages ambition. Personally, I don’t think we take enough time to actually think about compatibility, interests and whether those things are more important than physical attributes or not. And on the contrary, it’s seldom that we give physical features and hereditary dispositions the credit they deserve. Taking emotion out of it, we’re animals; and don’t our future children deserve the courtesy of us making healthy choices in whom we decide to breed the next generation? It seems primitive, but maybe it needs to be because the truth is that our physical attraction for one another is just as important as the ability to emotionally connect. Don’t mistake this for an excuse to be idealistic. No one is going to glide down on a unicorn out of the clouds to come rescue you from the trolls that have been following you around your entire life. However, this is a challenge to take an extrospective look at the qualities that truly make people beautiful. Taking an opportunity to discover what you are looking for may take some people off the market, but it also may deter your mind from looking around the one right in front of you.

Coming down from the controversial stance on this topic, understand that this is one that should be extremely passionate. We’re talking about the one thing that most people crave—consciously and unconsciously—above all else. Whether in a relationship or not, true love can be absent. However, it can also be ignited—or re-ignited—with little change. It is so easy to assume that feelings should just be there, and when they’re not, it’s even less to allow doubt to creep into the mind. Resentment starts to build from something that has little or no relevance, and life becomes something that immediately demands transformation in the face of rejection. But why? Why is it so easy to be so critical of something that started in the mind as so beautiful. The answer is simple: we are bound to our expectations—whether they are ever set or not.

Without reservation, communication is the most important aspect of any relationship. It leads to vulnerability, which is imperative to connection, and it breeds trust; and trust is the one thing—in my opinion—that shifts love from an idea to reality. During the dating process, most individuals become adapted to the courting process. Us guys are really good at buying flowers, and you girls are really good at letting us do whatever we want. Unfortunately, we’re setting ourselves up for failure. Somethings were going to be issues from day one, but nobody is willing to speak up in fear of losing the one form of attention that has a chance of turning into something real. Rather than sticking up for what we actually want, we cower, worrying about whether we have “the right” to say certain things or if it’s too soon to have real conversation about our dreams. We’re willing to do what it takes to win the the girl or the guy. Then, things change. And sadly, for an insanely large amount of people, they end up in a relationship—years down the road—that still instills frustration, relieves them of their opinion and fosters a lifestyle that was never okay in the first place.

By definition, love is a noun and a verb. But when we talk about true love, you have to understand that we are talking about the verb. We are talking about the intentional action that comes along with loving somebody. And more often than not, we can categorize those actions in three different ways:

1. SELF-DISCIPLINE: Self-discipline is not just about withholding from doing something. Preparation is just as crucial. If we're out cheating on each other, it's probably not going to work out. However, just as important is the prevention is making sure that we're not putting ourselves in situations to be tempted. I want you to understand that these qualities are not just imperative to romantic relationships. They are essential to any important one.
2. SELF-AWARENESS: If you are not willing to take responsibility for your actions, it probably isn't going to work out. If you are not willing to sit back and look at yourself and say "I could be doing better," it's probably not going to work out. The truth is that if you are not willing to look at your relationship as a one hundred to zero ratio, you will fail. Relationships are not supposed to be 50-50. At some point, somebody is going to drop off. At that particular point, it is your responsibility to be understanding. It is your responsibility to hold yourself accountable for your actions. Many people don't want to admit that relationships—for the most part—will be roller coasters. However, that's because those individuals have unrealistic expectations. Failure is natural, but response is something that we can control
3. INTENTION: When people think of love, they generally think of a feeling. They think of their personal emotions. However, there has never been another word that has been as universal as the word "love". There's a definite reason for that. Love cannot be defined because there is no synonymous word to which it can be compared. It's really in its own category. Ironically that's because it is really represented by the associated actions. It's defined by what is shown as "love" rather than the expectation of what it means. Our first thought is of a feeling, but the feeling is because of expected action. Understanding this is not as important on an academic level as it is on a psychological one. Intention requires the ability to drop your ego, and over almost anything else, ego is often the biggest detriment to showing someone that you care. Life is often a game, and in this part of it, everyone should win. If someone is losing, it won’t be long until you both do.

We have proven over time that words are only symbols of context, and that there is always an underlying explanation behind why people use the ones they do. It’s not rocket science, but it is much more complicated than just taking the literal version of what people bellow out—because often, that’s all we really do: impulsively expel gibberish that only has relevance to our past experiences and none to what is actually going on in the moment.

Naturally, we tend to understand each others’ psychological prescriptions. However, it’s our nurturing that causes so much conflict. Most of the time, we are aware of the obvious when explaining to others how the situation appears, but why is it so difficult to realize it before we become third parties or un-emotionally involved? The answer lies deep within—associated mostly with our parental upbringing. When we’re on the outside, it’s easy to rationalize why people do what they do, but in the moment, it’s not exactly that simple.

Systematically, our brains work much beyond our recognition, triggering responses before we even know that they are happening. The argument is whether physical or emotional responses happen first and if one causes the other or if they happen simultaneously. Our bodies respond just as quick as our minds do, sending neurological signals through our limbs, into our veins, causing us to feel the pain that’s representative of our emotional discourse.

Can we we really say that it’s natural, though, just because most of us can relate to the feeling, or is it the cycle of domestication that encourages us to react—consciously at first—to different scenarios? Is it instinctive from birth to feel heartbroken, or are we sensitive to words that really have no meaning other than the vocalist’s own insecurities because of defense mechanisms that society has pushed on us through our childhood and adolescent stages? Without generalizing too broadly, it’s obvious that the latter is much more likely being that the majority struggles with similar doubts while there still is a small percent that has no regard for the issues at all.

Externally, we are hard and disinterested in the world. We centralize our egos and focus on what the world might believe about us, rationally understanding that it has the same viewpoint about us as we do about it. We humanize others while breaking ourselves down little by little, criticizing every great thing we can find and mask our thoughts in sadness and anger, disrupting our natural urge to tell the truth. We believe we are protecting those around us and saving ourselves from pain when in the fire of it all, it is the exact opposite that sets us free.

See, it is not natural for us to be sad or angry, but it is also unnatural for us to shame our feelings and secretly blame whoever is necessary. Our innocence is our beauty. Our childish hope is our strength, and our vulnerability is our power. We disrupt the intuitive course everyday with false commitments to our frustrations and the lack there of to our loved ones, shattering the dream of greatness with the unrealistic craving for perfection.

You are not broken; you are not hindered. You are obligated and created to generate a worthy life, and nothing has more power than your innate ability to believe. Our fears of being forgotten, abandoned, discouraged and hurt are small in comparison to the freedom of being at peace with our lack of limitations. We’ve all heard that there is no measurement of happiness or success other than the degree to which we can comprehend the feeling, and that’s what this life’s about: creating something that we get up every morning excited to live. So, taking into account that we all have different upbringings and that we all have unique journeys, it is more about the conscious effort to focus outward for our friends and family than it is about trying to rationalize why people say or do what they do. Remember, the one thing we can all agree on is that we all want to be loved. 

]]>8 Questions: How to Choose a Listing AgentEntrepreneurshipMotivationFuture of workBusinessLifestyleVainqueur NiyotwagiraWed, 29 Mar 2017 14:48:31 +0000http://determineyouridentity.com/blog/part-ii-tips-for-millennials-the-future-of-work-and-gearing-up-for-success56d12fb237013be34dbb1090:56d13043c2ea51b152084589:58dbbeacbebafb6c932ffc28As millennials, social media platforms could and have the potential to be our best allies in our fight against unemployment if exploited shrewdly. As more organizations and companies are resorting to social media and platforms on the internet to recruit, hire workers and do business, millennials have a golden opportunity in the fact we are already present in this space.In the first part of this series, I mentioned that restructuring and managing human resource is the biggest challenge when transitioning from an old to a new work model heavily backed by automation. Previous employees have to train and gain skills in the newly established industry, with little to no assistance, in a relatively short amount of time. Due to lack of foreseeing and preparation, numerous workers go unemployed. As a consequence, not only do the individuals struggle, but also do the newly formed industries, as the automated processes are yet to be matched with a competitive and knowledgeable workforce. But What if we could understand the shift before it happens? Could we prepare better? If yes, how should we prepare?

In this post I will be addressing the questions above while also providing a few tips that can help you stay valuable and employable in the future.

Understanding the Shift

What is causing this shift in the work model? To prepare in the best way possible, one must gain an understanding of how a few drivers, not all indicated below , along with automation are concurring to drive us towards this future of work. To mention a few, these drivers are:

• First, a need to create a more people friendly work system is rapidly giving rise to new dynamic work structures that allow for the workers’ well being, satisfaction and perspective to be considered as equally important as their organization’s well being.  

• Second, the problem of income inequality, which is now a topic of major concern in political debates around the world, has pushed for a fundamental restructuring in employment structure. This increasing debate around income inequality is allowing for the rise of structures where employees with a proven track record can now bargain for their worth.

• Third and most importantly, the fundamental paradigm of a job and all it entitles are changing at an unprecedented rate and for good, which is now calling for new structures. For instance, job title and position are no longer fundamental to the functioning of companies. More and more organizations are hiring and contracting proven leaders, not to sit in offices and hold ‘important roles’, but to work on projects and get the work done!

Considered together, the factors above have been key shakers among corporations, and are playing a great role in shaping the future of the work ecosystem. As it can be observed, the main drivers of the shift share a fundamental principle: "a need to increase the overall well being of the worker, while retaining productivity and efficiency". As such, the traditional work system is yielding and allowing for the development of a new system of specialized and highly skilled individual adepts that fosters the highest level of collaboration possible. With that in mind, we are going to take a look at what resources are available to help us best prepare for this future.

Leveraging the power of the internet: Adding more value to your brand

Unlike the traditional worker, who is usually skilled and perhaps even an expert in a unique area, the future worker will be expected to be versatile, and be able to perform a few specialized tasks in different fields on their own. For instance, in the future, a single worker might be expected to handle their marketing and accounting, handle multiple clients, and all this while learning to deal with other aspects of a project/business. This growing trend can already be observed today, as large organizations are achieving full functionality with relatively  small versatile teams of workers. The trend is being further enhanced by the numerous strides in science and technology. Therefore a continuous need for workers to learn new skills and reinvent themselves in order to meet the demands of this evolving market. Thanks to the internet, it is now easier than ever to access all types of learning material on any topic, from anywhere. And if there is one thing that millennials benefit from, it is the fact that we were born with the internet, and can therefore have the greatest potential to explore, understand and exploit it in the future. Below are some of the best ways you can use this powerful tool to prepare for a career in the future:

1. Start learning now

There is a common misconception, among young people, that I myself only came to discover after graduating from college: “education doesn’t end with formal  schooling”. During my first job hunt, the technical skills that I acquired through my Biochemistry degree were not impressive enough to land me a job in the field. It is the additional skills that I acquired either during my free time or as a student worker that landed me my first job. As part of the job, I had to learn and use some basic computer programming and advanced excel, skills that are usually learnt through computer science training. Fortunately, tanks to my curiosity, I was a little acquainted to computer programming, and found myself learning faster and easier. It wasn’t until I left this job that I realized how important learning out of the class is, and the numerous opportunities that this informal education had afforded me.

From my experience, here are two examples of valuable skills that I believe can be of a great help, why they will help and how you can get started:

• learning a new language. Language and cultural barriers are some of the biggest factors that hinder business and hold organizations back globally. In the future, people will want to do business and be able to collaborate more around the globe. Individuals who can bring a multicultural approach and help break such barriers will be very valuable. Speaking a few additional foreign languages wouldn’t be a bad skill to possess in the future. Platforms such as duolingo, babbel, mosalingua are a few of the multiple resources available on the internet to learn from.

• learning computer programming. computer programming is one of the fastest growing field. Online platforms such as codecademy, freecodecamp, lynda and many more can be used to learn programming. Not only are computer programmers very valuable for hire, but they can also follow the entrepreneurial route easier than any other occupation. In fact, software and computer entrepreneurs are one of the fastest growing group in the entrepreneurial ecosystem around the globe.

My point here is that you shouldn’t wait until you are unemployed or out of options to learn a new skill. What should you learn and who should teach you shouldn’t stop you; start now, spend a few hours daily, after work and learn a language, a computer skill, learn anything.

The key here is preparing to be a versatile and resourceful worker!  

2. Use your social networks, and use them wisely!

How do you use social media? What do you post on your social media pages? Is it hurting or improving your brand?

If you are a millennial like me, then you are most likely to have a social media account, and have used it once or twice in some type of business dealings, or perhaps have had a few opportunities come your way through it. Correct? Well if so, you are already leveraging the power of the internet. With the evolution of social media, from a fun social space to a powerful business tool, it is becoming a career-suicide not to have a social media profile. A social media profile can be used to search for jobs, make connections with important stakeholders across different industries, and in some instances as a sales channel. As millennials, social media platforms could and have the potential to be our best allies in our fight against unemployment if exploited shrewdly. As more organizations and companies are resorting to social media and platforms on the internet to recruit, hire workers and do business, millennials have a golden opportunity in the fact we are already present in this space.

Since I moved to California, I have witnessed a few of my friends and acquaintances turn into marketing and sales guru by leveraging the power of their social media profiles on Instagram, twitter and/or Facebook. For the last few months, I personally had the opportunity to assist a friend grow her business through social media (for another post), and can further depone of its immense potential.  If you don’t have one already, create one. However, be mindful of what you post and share on your social media as you never know who might be reading.

3. Do not be a hidden figure

How do employers know your worth? How do you set yourself apart from the competition?

A portfolio is an easy way to highlight all those interesting and outstanding projects that you have worked on at previous companies and/or as independent contracts. However, a majority of older workers either do not understand or do not see the need to have a personal portfolio. This is and will be the most career-deadly mistake in the near future.

As millennials, we understand and know the opportunities and potential that platforms such as linkedin, shapr and others hold. By providing proper exposure for skilled individuals, those platforms allow them to be easily hired by organizations, and remunerated fairly. After working on a project, ask your manager or supervisor if it is fine to mention a few technical details under your online portfolio. It is not only an advantage to have an online portfolio, but also a necessity in the modern business world.

Highlighting projects that you have worked on allows you to gain more exposure in a growing world of numerous skilled practitioners. It is now becoming increasingly important to distinguish yourself from the mass, highlight your qualifications-skills and prove that you can deliver in order to be hired for a job/project. A simple online portfolio goes a long way!

I have nothing against the movie hidden figures by the way!lol

4. Start Freelancing

When one of my friends, a college junior software engineering major, told me that he was very interested in making apps for a living, while working up to 60 hours/week as a server at Clara’s tacos during the past summer, I was very confused! Why? Not to undermine his or anybody else’s efforts, but how did he expect to earn from a skill that he never had time to practice?

It wasn’t till I was first introduced to the 10,000 hours rule that the saying “time is money” started to resonate. The principle is closely associated to writer Malcolm Gladwell, and suggests that you can achieve expert level proficiency in any field by dedicating 10,000 hours of deliberate practice to it. In my experience, I found this to be true. The more time you spend practicing something, the better you get at it. So what is the best way to learn, make an income while gaining a uniquely valuable experience at the same time? The answer: freelancing!

Like the popular swahili saying “kula kulipa”, you have to spend some time to earn a skill. Time is truly the only equalizing currency in all uneven dealings and unfair fields. As an  aspiring engineer or technician, with neither the certification nor the experience to get a job in your field yet, cutting some time from the 60 hrs/week at McDonald’s to look for a startup or contractors in your field to volunteer, work and learn from would be more rewarding in the long run. Do not count the gains in terms of money; count your first earnings in terms of valuable experience, gaining credibility and building connections that will be invested later, and  allow you to either get your first clients when you decide to venture on your own, or even get you that dream gig at a great company! Freelancing is truly the best way to learn and make an income while gaining a uniquely valuable experience at the same time. Start freelancing: start small, and only commit to what you can handle, and the rewards will be massive.

The conversation on this topic is long and requires a deep cogitation. However, to snip it all into a simpler thought, I will conclude by saying that “the future of work is here”. Spend some time to learn a new tool, create a portfolio, network and leverage the powerful tool of the internet to get some baby steps in your industry, and I can promise you that the future of work will no longer be such an eerie conversation topic!

Are we there yet?

Photo: Restaurants Server robots by Siasun are on display during the First China Shenyang International Robot Show at Shenyang International Exhibition Center on September 1, 2015 (source: China Foto Press via Getty Images)

Not so tantamount, but yet on par with the economic depression of 1930 , the global financial crisis of 2008 left an exceptional amount of uncertainty among the global population. More people have grown to embrace the consonant anxiety draped around the fast-paced automation of labor, and fear of a precipitation into an  unemployment crisis. Whenever the “future of work” is  mentioned, it seems to create tremor and a certain amount of confusion-concern on whether some self-serving futuristic robots, or intelligent machines will supersede human labor and leave us all unemployed in the process. Pretty scary, right!?Well in reality, human labor is always going to be a constant; what is going to change is the way it is done. We are already experiencing the future of work: shorter work days, flexible schedules centered around the individual’s well being, job titles giving up to individuals know-how, people working multiple jobs, to mention a few, are the early symptoms of this future. By rethinking and  innovating new ways to work better and more efficiently, we bring about the future of work. The transpiring, the process and progress are perhaps overshadowed by the complex set of fictional and scientific idioms that have shaped our thoughts and even understanding of the future and its unfolding. With the ongoing changes in the the job market, it is crucial not only to gain a clear understanding of the shift towards this future, but also to equip and prepare one’s self for success accordingly.

What we know so far

According to a study by the U.S. Government Accountability Office (GAO), as of 2017 more than 39% of US workers are contingent workers working as: standard part-time workers (grew by more than 36% over the past 10 years), self-employed workers, on-call workers, contract company workers, and independent contractors without traditionally secure jobs or any job arrangement. Further research from Oxford shows that approximately 47% of jobs in the U.S are at risk of being lost to technology (automation) within the next 20 years. Companies and platforms such as Uber, lift, upwork and many more are leveraging the power of the internet to further facilitate contingent work. Those same companies are conducting extensive research on  artificial intelligence, sensors, and robotics, technology that is promising to speed up the automation of work at an unprecedented rate, and eventually replace some of the jobs that employ the largest part of the population! However, if there is one thing that history has taught us, it’s that we can never disparage humankind’s resilience and ability to innovate. In fact, with the rise of technology in the US from the early 1800s to now,  it has been observed that for every single job lost to technology-automation, at least two new jobs are created. Looking back at the US textile industry in the late 1880s as an example, as more and more tasks in the weaving process were being automated, from the production of textile fibers to weaving itself, a lot of anxiety brewed among workers directly involved in the textile industry as many lost their jobs. The productivity of the weaving process and the output of a single weaver increased by a factor of 50, and the amount of labor required for the production of raw materials for cloth fell by more than 90%. This made cloth very cheap which created an increase in its demand, and in return an increase in demand for: weavers, machine operators, mechanics for machine maintenance and many more specialized tasks. By the early 1900s, automation and technology had changed the nature of the jobs and skills required in the weaving industry without replacing it all together. There were now almost four times as many workers in this industry working as:  weavers, machine mechanics, operators and many more who held new jobs that never existed before. Even though the balance tips back in favor of automation and creates more job, one can’t simply omit to mention the short transition time of instability, vulnerability and uncertainty that ensues directly following the automation of certain tasks. Many workers find themselves out of work and with no other valuable skills that could afford them employment in a different industry.

Often, one of the biggest challenges when automating a task or work in an industry, on the human resource side, is that those previously employed have to retrain and learn new skills to stay valuable, employable and up-to-date. All this is expected to be achieved with little to no assistance from previous employers. Now, how do you train if the game and adversary are still unknown? What resources do you use? How do you stay valuable? A career in the future will entail changing or holding multiple occupations frequently, which in return will require updating your skill-set as you go. How do you best prepare for this future?

In the second part of this series, I will explore in further details what to expect from a career in the future, and share some hints on what you can do to prepare for a successful career in this future.  

See, the point that my dad was getting across was that his time was valuable, and that if I expected respect, I was to be respectful. In other words, because I didn’t consciously make the decision to not get distracted, I suffered the consequences. He didn’t yell at me. He didn’t beat me. He just showed me the same lack of respect that I showed him. He reminded me that I’m the only one responsible for my actions.

My father had a knack for doing those things when I was growing up. Rather than beating it into my head, he motivated me to do things intentionally. There’s really not much to it. Don’t overthink things, and be conscientious of those around you. To this day, my adamancy about somethings causes me anxiety. I just take pride in doing things the right way.

Now, I am the first to admit that I am not perfect, but there are not many individuals that get the opportunity to grow up with a man in his 70s and 80s that has two daughters in the 3rd quarters of their lives. He had already made his mistakes. He already had that old man wisdom. My friends joke with me all the time that I grew up in the wrong era. I mean… for God’s sake, I listen to the Oakridge Boys. But it’s the things that my dad taught me that will one day make me a great father, and it’s from his perspective that I can say I would have never changed a thing about the way he raised me.

Read more about my journey in Judgement: The Key to Good Decisions.

To no surprise, with the rise of technology, we have grown into a very socially-driven society, and in many ways, I agree that most need to stop complaining and adapt. However, when it comes to parenting, there is a large need for restoration. There is a large whole where core values used to be. At some point in the last forty years, there was a shift from encouraging kids to be independent individuals to attempting to make everyone feel like they are worth something (which is a whole other issue in itself).

In the words of the late Frederick Douglass, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” Expanding on this statement, I could write a book about the things that I disagree with when it comes to the way people raise their children. However, there are a few simple, intentional things that will change the mindset of our future generations and the way they react to the world around them.

10 Things Every Parent Should Think About:

1. Stop living for your children, and teach them to live for themselves.
2. Stop telling your kid he/she is the smartest in the room, and help them improve on the things that need improvement.
3. Respect is taught from intentional action and reciprocal respect. It is not from anger, violence, power or possession.
4. Use every opportunity as a teaching experience.
5. Chores are not reason for an allowance. Chores are their contribution to the family.
6. Paranoia only makes your kids paranoid.
7. Don’t comfort them every time they cry. You’re teaching them that they don’t have to deal with consequences or solve problems.
8. Stop giving them the answer. Let them fail.
9. Stop telling them what to do. Give them a choice and show them the result.
10. Love them unconditionally, which means going out of your way to make a difference in their lives.

"Why am I here?" "Why do we do what we do?" "Why do I think the way I think?" "Is normal, 'normal'?"

It's a sad possibility that we actually may not have any purpose in this world at all. We may just be living beings that live and die and have no effect on history. But it's the people that think like that don't go anywhere in life. It's the ones that respond in that way that really do have no significance beyond breathing in air that someone else could use.

It's those individuals that wake up every morning understanding that they have a larger purpose—that they have an obligation to affect—that we see as successful people in this world. They're the ones that make a difference in our environment and how we determine what is normal and extraordinary.

Just the other day, I had a conversation with my mother. I asked her, "Mom, why aren't there more people like us in the world?" And without trying to sound self-righteous, I meant that literally. "What happened? Have people always been as superficial and shallow as they are today?"

You see, my mother had very rough childhood. She grew up around abuse and alcoholism, and at sixteen years old, she began to work several jobs just to make her way through high school and college. After marrying my father and having my brother and me, her marriage disintegrated, and she went on to become one of the most successful women in her industry, while most of the time, she was acting as a single mother. None of it became an excuse, though. She made her money, she raised her kids right and she held to her values.

Am I biased? Of course... this is my mother that we're talking about. However, I'm using her as an example because she did something that I have found to be extremely rare. Even though she lacked support... Even though she felt alone so much of the time, she never disregarded the role that different individuals played in her life. Although I get older, I always look up to my mother for one very specific reason: she loves unconditionally. The woman doesn't know how to not forgive; she's more generous than any other person I've ever met in my life. However, she's always held the people around her accountable. She's always pushed them to be successful.

So, as I paused our conversation, I felt—for a brief moment—that I was arrogant for asking that question, "Why aren't there more people like us?" But then I realized that although it may not have been the most diplomatic question, I was serious.

Why are there not more people that see beyond the superficial understanding of society? Why are there not more that intentionally seek out empathy for the deeper, intuitive battles that each person struggles with? Why are there not more people that forgive regardless of the reason? Why are there not more people that give no matter what the circumstance? Why are there not more people that wake up and choose to love without measure?

Obviously, my frustration was growing, and so was my ambition. I began to think about the abandonment that I felt in my life. I began to reminisce about those that had significance at one point or another and had rejected me. When I speak about being abandoned, I think about those that became so selfish in their ways that they lost faith in me as a person... They became so self-righteous that they revealed a lack of love.

I could go on for a lifetime with examples of pitiful situations. However, I'm sure you have at least one situation to which you can relate. Why do those people leave us? Why do they reject us when our intentions are good and pure? Yes, we have made mistakes; and yes, we may have fallen a time or two, but why are they not there when we pick ourselves up?

It's a scary situation, especially when it's someone that is close to us. But, it's life.

Those people were there for a purpose. Something I've realized over the years is that no matter how much we love somebody... no matter how much those people mean to us, God is pretty dang good at placing people in our lives for specific reasons, and his timeline may be a little bit shorter than we expect or want.

You may be thinking about a past relationship right now. Maybe it's intimate. Maybe it's not. It may be a father or a mother... maybe a husband or a wife. Maybe, it was a girlfriend or boyfriend that walked out on you. However, understand that you can take safety and peace in the fact that you know they played their part in your life. They served a purpose that no one else could have replicated. They taught you lessons through experiences that you would have never learned otherwise.

It's not fair to walk through your life and disregard that person. You should thank them. You should forgive them; you should love them, and you should move forward, understanding that they do not deserve your hate. They deserve your love because choosing not to love them or disregard them or think badly of them makes you no better than how they left you. You may have moved on, but you have not moved forward.

You see, moving on is a lateral move. But moving forward is vertical; it's progressive. Choose today to move forward. Choose today to move vertically. Choose today to love, forgive and be understanding of what others go through. Empathy is a gift. Intuition is a gift. But love is natural.

Think about the scene in “Little Rascals” when Alfalfa is playing the game, “She loves me, she loves me not”. He’s sitting down, picking petals off of a flower, and after each one, he alternates the phrases, “She loves me” and “She loves me not.” This game of fate originated in France and is said to answer the question of whether someone truly shares the player’s affection. Supposedly, whichever phrase they speak—when picking off the last petal—reveals the truth.

Let’s take a step back, though. Doesn’t that mean that the answer is completely dependent on which flower the player chooses? If you take into account that the game is traditionally played with a daisy, you can practically pre-determine your answer. How? Well, most field daisies have thirty-four petals. Thirty-four is an even number and therefore will leave you with a negative outcome. But what if you change the game? What if you said the phrases in reverse order or you picked a different type of flower?

Competitively, some people would look at the new rule as cheating. Others—who are more interested in a desirable outcome—would see it as a creative solution. So, what does picking daisy petals have to do with determining your tolerance for risk? Well, to be honest, not much. But it does make for a good point: knowledge can change your perception of how to move forward.

Regardless of what situation you are in, there are always going to be variables to a decision that make the outcome seem obvious. However, accepting an undesirable result because it’s what’s “supposed to happen” is just lazy.

For the most part, there are a few things to take into account:

1.       Who depends on you?

If you’re single and young, you can probably lose everything today and still be okay. It won’t take you long to recover, so be bold. You’re not that far away from the starting line, so having to go back isn’t a huge deal. However, if you’re in a relationship and attempting to stay in it, you may need to consult with your partner before you jump at something.

2.       Family First

Marriage and children change things. We all know it, and most of us have accepted it. Risk is still necessary to accomplishing your goals. However, it is never okay to put your family’s well-being on the line. Going back to the starting line is no longer an option, which means you have to be a little more patient. On the other hand, don’t let your family be an excuse for you give up on your dreams.

3.       Reduce Risk if Possible

Just because something seems risky doesn’t mean that it is. If you can approach something with a contingency plan, do it. Being driven is one thing; being stupid is another. If the situation means you risking everything you’ve worked for, it may not be the right choice. In other words, if you can’t structure it the right way, be willing to walk away.

4.       Protect Yourself

Look, if you have no assets, nobody depending on you and no reputation, you may have nothing to protect. However, if you have any of those things, you may have a different view on if something is “worth it”. It is never intelligent to leave yourself vulnerable.

Look around. Do you admire any one relationship? Do you strive to be like someone and their counterpart, or do you point out their flaws? Naturally, we tend to look for the perfect mate, so there is always going to be room for improvement. However, I’m sure--through some life experience--you have begun to understand that, for the most part, the good must just outweigh the frustration and the non-negotiables must never be broken. Does that sound like happiness, though? On paper, no. It sounds like a settlement; it sounds like a resolution to what society has told you about how life should look. In reality, though, it’s love.

Neurological processes in the brain actually show that at some point in a romantic relationship, feelings shift from a “passionate” love to a “companionate” one. When this happens, the type of love changes from one that we would describe as “in love” to one that is much deeper and family-like. The scientific use of the word “passion” is actually fueled by different catalysts, which explains the roller-coaster cycles that each relationship experiences. Neurologists have even theorized that the amphetimine high that you get during extremely scary situations is similar to the one that is associated with “passionate” love. This makes sense when you think about the natural reactions to those movies that end in the couple living happily ever after. To our minds, love is very similar to fear, which correlates with an emotional response.

In simple terms, it’s not that you believe that the movie or book-ending is bogus. It’s just that it subconsciously scares the hell out of you. There are countless things that affect relationships, and each one can be the next catalyst that brings more passion or ends it. However, it’s the hope that a fairy-tale is in the making that keeps you intrigued.

Journal of Adolescence r986, 9, 383-4Io

1. Find Your Topic and Niche

There are a few topics that are timeless: money, fashion, health, religion and relationships. You don’t have to be an expert on any of them. However, you do have to understand the trends of whichever topic you decide to represent. If you’re talking about how to wear pleated pants, your credibility will be destroyed before the end of your sentence.

2. Speak Your Mind

The reality is that you probably have very similar thoughts to a large part of the population in some way or another. You’re just the one putting in the time and effort to say it. Be bold. Talk about things that matter, and put your audience on a pedestal. You may get negative feedback, but that’s just part of speaking about polar subjects.

3. Be Open-minded

There is nothing that will kill your climb to becoming an impactful influence more quickly than the inability to adapt. This does not mean that you should ever change your values. However, it does mean that you have to be able to speak and listen in the same ways of your target audience. If you are dead set on doing things one way, you will find yourself really lonely.

4. Pay Attention to Your Competition/Peers

Number one rule: don’t copy. People hate copy cats. Instead, use concepts from people that are creating traction that you want, and make them your own. Big influencers are some of the easiest ways to understanding what is popular at that moment. Don’t be afraid to take it, and expand on it. For example, if you see a trendy way to get fit starting to become more popular, do a review of it. Go through a workout, and let the world know what you did and didn’t like.

5. Be Careful with Humor

The greatest example of this is Kevin Hart. If you follow him on social media, you know what I’m talking about. The dude is a comedic genius. However, the reason Hart is so popular is because he knows when too much is just that. He knows when the time is to be serious. He stands for things that remind people that he’s a good human being and a benefit to society. If you have the God-given ability to make people laugh, use it!

6. Understand Your Generation

Knowing how your generation processes things is imperative to gaining any social traction at all. Millennials (Gen-Y) like simplicity and things that are quick and easy. Use pictures, videos and blocky text like bullet points and sub-sections. Gen-X relates to long pieces of text because they like to educate themselves. They’re skeptical. Make them feel comfortable by pointing out both sides of an argument.

To learn more about how to influence millennials, check out How Gen-Y is Affecting the Marketplace.

If you’ve ever seen “The Profit” on CNBC, you understand the reference of my title. If not, let me explain. Marcus Lemonis is the host of the show, and he is also the CEO of Camping World, the nation’s number one retailer of RVs, RV accessories and RV-related services. The show is centered around Lemonis’ ability to grow business from the inside, out. Business owners apply for the show, and Lemonis comes to their rescue in hopes of being able to take advantage of an opportunity to help the business grow and make money doing so. If he thinks he can help, he then invests in the company in exchange for equity. However, Lemonis doesn’t just walk in and peek around. He spends at least a few days inside the businesses, going through each and every process with executives and everyday employees. He truly tries to get a feel for what happens on a day-to-day basis. Why? Well, unlike most investors, he believes that his philosophies can substantially change a company’s course if implemented quickly and correctly. The three characteristics—people, product and process—are generally the only references he uses when figuring out what may need work. Most of the time, you see good people with good products or ideas. The catalyst that holds many of the businesses back from exploding into profitability is something much more complex: the process.

Have you ever thought about why many family businesses don’t work? Most of the time, it’s a simple answer: the people can’t get along well enough to be efficient and effective in day-to-day operations. Although the family members—individually—are probably amazing in character, they don’t ever put a definite process in place that they can reference during disputes or tough times. Having experience in running a family-operated company, I can vouch for every family out there that it is tough. However, it’s not impossible. The key is putting systems in place that dissolve egos and encourage individual goals. I don’t remember who or where I heard it, but one of the greatest pieces of advice that I use to date is: “Don’t blame the person; blame the system.”

In order to make this point very clear, let me give you an example. If one of my employees forgets to send out an email, is it his fault, or could I have done something to help him be more organized so he would have been reminded in advance? Personally, I have learned that the latter is more realistic. People makes mistakes, and they are going to continue to make mistakes. However, processes are reliable. Whether it be a step-by-step checklist, a technological platform or just a series of habits, there has to be a way of figuring out where and why a mistake was made. In other words, if things are left to chance, expect random results.

You can probably guess that this same philosophy can be applied to life situations as well. Great relationships are built on the same principles as are well-run companies. Amazing people with awesome ideas have to continually work on perfecting the processes. Being able to adapt, communicate and color inside the lines is imperative for any chance of success.

Another perfect example is the man that I quoted at the beginning of this article. “Bear” Bryant is arguably the best college football coach to ever live, and anyone that knows anything about football would not tell you that he was a genius when it came to scheme or play calling. What they would tell you is that he was dedicated to perfection. His players loved him and worked harder than any other team in the country because they bought into his way of doing things. Bryant never made it easy on his guys (as shown in the movie, “Junction Boys”). However, it was his system that created the dynasties, the legacy and most importantly, the results.

One day--while sitting inside--Sean and I apparently got tired of the A/C and headed out to see what we could come up with. Beyond the back gate was a red bucket with a circumference a little larger than a basketball, and it had two holes in each side where an old rope was threaded through to create handles. It was so old that the bottom was coming out and was just a hanging flap of plastic. We had walked by this bucket everyday for at least a year and never thought anything of it, but that day was different. That day, that bucket became our savior. Sean commanded that I climb up the side of our eight foot chain-link dog run and hook the bucket to the top by one of the handles. While I did that, he jogged over to the barn and grabbed our old, sun-beaten basketball. The ball must have been five years old and had never even seen shade, but we usually kept it aired up so we could play kickball or soccer. It was perfect. Before I could even climb down, Sean took his first shot. It went in, and the bucket was still hanging. We had a basketball hoop.

It’s interesting to think about some of the things we did as kids. My dad grew up in the thirties, so his take on finding something to do was more open than most. He used to tell us stories of when he would walk through the fields looking for garden snakes so he could bring them back to the house. For every snake he brought back, he would get a penny. It wasn’t long before he started figuring out where the suckers liked to be and when they came out of hiding. He encouraged Sean and I to do the same; he challenged us to innovate and be inventive. We were using tools by age six to build forts. We didn’t use pillows and sheets; we used two-by-fours and scraps of plywood. We made roofs out of palms and cut windows with a hammer and a chisel. We climbed haystacks and and shot BB guns. Everything we did created useful experience.

Unfortunately, most kids don’t do that stuff, now. They’re either so sheltered by paranoid parents or so entranced by screens that they never become desperate enough to explore different opportunities; they are never challenged to think on their own. I am the first to admit that I love technological advances. As a professional, I take full advantage of them everyday. However, the rise of technology has taken over. Communication, exposure and media is so much easier to obtain that parents are afraid of letting their kids do anything. Instead, they stick a tablet in their hands and promote addiction to entertainment. At some point, there has to be a balance. There has to be parental discipline that outweighs the easy solution. If not, society--as a whole--will continue to fall, and the idea of liberty will become non-existent.

With that being said, there are few things that you can do with your kids to make sure that they are getting the right amount of experience.

Technology is a tool--not a friend.

Smart devices were made to make your life easier--to create convenience. That doesn’t take away from the necessity to do some things yourself. Set down your phone, and go talk to somebody. We naturally need to be exposed to people and their pheromones. Without interaction, studies prove that we are less likely to live a fulfilling life. And when you do that, take your kids with you. Don’t make the excuse that you don’t want to deal with them. Be the parent, make them behave, and expose them to your conversations. The more they hear, the more they learn.

You’re most likely creating a nomophobic.

Have you ever left your house without your wallet or purse? You probably had to really contemplate whether you needed to go back for it. However, the last time you left your phone at home, you probably got a sudden rush of anxiety. That’s called nomophobia--or the fear of being without your phone. Symptoms also arise even if your phone is in your hand. You check to see if you’ve missed anything even though you haven’t heard or felt a notification. Crazy, right? Although I’m sure we can all relate to this to some extent, it’s not healthy. Take the device out of your kid’s hand, and go outside with them. Don’t just send them out on their own. That’s what creates the need for attention. Show them that having fun without technology is easy and that they don’t have to be in communication with someone all the time.

Intellect is created early on.

Child psychological studies show that kids can accelerate the ability to create concrete ideas with experience. Most physical brain development is done between the ages of 0 and 3 years old. Every stage after that is dependent more on environmental influence than on biological growth. It is never too early to start challenging your kids to think beyond their years, and as I’m sure you can agree, most kids learn better by doing. Ask them questions on the way home from school. Challenge them to figure out riddles or puzzles, and talk to them about your day so they become familiar with adulthood and aren’t surprised when they get there.

Independence is key.

There are very few times in life when a parent should have to demand or command something. If you are having to do it all the time, you are not creating a respectful environment in your home. Either you don’t know how to communicate with your kids, or you haven’t asked them to respect you with action and follow-through. Rather than telling your kids what to do, give them options and show them the results of their decisions. If they make the right one, they get rewarded. If they make the wrong one, they learn to handle the consequences. They will never be hesitant to make decisions because they will know how to handle adversity and failure. However, if you only tell them what to do, they will never get the chance to figure that out for themselves.

Be proud of your kid.

Your kids are reflections of you. If you can’t be proud of them, that’s your fault--not theirs’. The more you talk your kids up, the more they will believe it. It just comes back to the old rule: “Praise in public; correct in private.”

In defense for some of my favorite married couples, there are those that still understand the sanctity of wedding vows. You can attribute it to a number of different things: parental guidance, environment, social media, celebrities, personality, religion, etc. But the truth is that—as a whole—for some reason, we just believe that we don’t have to keep promises anymore.

I have to throw my own personal experience into this just because I think it’s an intense subject, and I want you to know that I can’t claim to be perfect. Personally, I have made some of the worst mistakes there are to make when it comes to relationships. I have been selfish, self-righteous, unfaithful, disloyal, dishonest and a bunch more that my ex could probably tell you a lot more about. However, if I have to say that I ever did something right it would be that I understood and still understand love. Without a doubt, we can name a number of factors that go into the result of a relationship. But why is it that we see so few going the distance? Reality is: if you have a ring on your finger, it should follow you to the grave, right?

Unfortunately, that’s not the mindset anymore, and there is one major reason why: we don’t understand love. So here are a few things you need to remember when it comes to marriage or the thought of it.

Get rid of your damn ego.

Because of the façade of transparency that we see throughout our society now-a-days, there’s no room for error. Rather than understanding that people mistakes, and those things just have to be worked out, there is a bubble that gets burst every time something bad happens. One side becomes apologetic while the other side takes the mishap to heart. Forgive and move forward. I don’t know about you, but living very long holding something over a partner’s head would make my shoulder really tired. In other words, we are so concerned with how we look or feel that we can’t focus on the bigger picture. Get over it. Our current world is full of more temptation than it ever has been. Don’t take it personally when your partner is tempted. Take it personally when they can’t admit it.

Learn to listen, and shut up.

Yes, ladies, this goes for you, too! Communication is the number one cause in the world for broken relationships. Everyone moves at different speeds, and it’s most likely that you and your partner are pretty opposite in how you make decisions. It’s also probable that you speak in different ways. What I mean by that is that you probably have different motivations when explaining things. For example, someone that has visual motivation is more likely to speak with visual words (ex. “the way I see it…”, “If you look at this way…”, “If you can visualize…”, etc.). However, a person that is more kinesthetically motivated will communicate with phrases like “I feel…” or “You have to understand…” or “It’s very important to me…”. The visual person is seeing pictures, and they’re describing them while the kinesthetically motivated one is feeling emotion and attempting to translate that. This is where loving someone becomes intentional; it changes from a noun to a verb. Understanding the person you are with and choosing to speak to them in their language is one of the most important things you can ever do. The situation goes from a misunderstanding to a relative one. You don’t talk to your partner the same way you talk to your dog, so don’t talk to them the same way you talk to yourself. Use words that relate to them.

Drop the baggage; you’re home.

Oh, man. You know what I’m going to say here, right? Think of the past like Vegas. What happens there, stays there. You are with your person because you love them. Get over whatever they did wrong, and stop bringing it up. At some moment very soon, force upon yourself an epiphany that changes your mindset. If you can’t forgive them, it’s no longer their fault. It’s yours, and they don’t deserve that. If it’s so bad that you can argue with what I’m writing, you’re in the wrong relationship.

Love.

As I wrote earlier, love needs to be intentional. But first, you must understand it. Love is not just a feeling. In fact, studies show that there is point in every relationship when the hormone levels in your brain actually change, inducing a different type of love. We naturally go from a passionate, butterfly type of love to a companionate one. That transition is difficult on some couples because it doesn’t necessarily change at the same time for both people. However, it’s important to truly understand that that initial love was never meant to last forever. The love that celebrates fifty year anniversaries is the one that is centered on a much deeper concept. It’s the one that is based on smiling together more than sleeping together. It’s the one that knows how to console even when the rest of you is pissed off beyond belief. It’s the type of love that doesn’t go away just because of a little separation. It’s the type that even after several years, you are willing to do anything to keep alive.

You see, a marriage is based on promises. It starts with vows. However, at some point, those vows will be broken, and you will hurt the most important person in your life. There is a good side to this, though. Even though you may not always be perfect, you always have the opportunity to respond in a way that portrays a better you.

You make me do that. You have that knack for just pin-pointing the perfect sentence. You crack a joke and tell me I'm stupid, and then I'm hooked. By now, you notice my facial tension and start poking me in the side, and it's all I can do to hold back my laughter. It's a bitter-sweet feeling of hatred and butterflies. And I'm not sure how you do it, which drives me absolutely insane, but I secretly love it.

Fully disclosed, I have to admit: it's one of my favorite things about you. It's one of my favorite things about us. When it comes to my life, there is nothing that I can think of as more desirable than spending it's span with my best friend.

You know, imagination can only take you so far. Movies and fairytales show this kind of junk all the time. The ideas surrounding relationships are generally insatiable; they're made up of emotionally-driven decisions that are rare even in the most passionate moments.

But I've never needed to explain that to you. You know me better than anyone on the planet. You understand that my expectations of myself are higher than those of anyone else, and you trigger that with impeccable precision. You've always been intuitive enough to help me up when I've fallen; and you, often, catch me before I ever do.

Even more surprising, you encourage me to be the best version of me without instilling your own opinion on my unique quirks. Sometimes, I'm even amazed at how ridiculous they are, and yet, you just laugh and reassure me that they're what make me who I am.

Personally, between you and me, I can't help but do the same about your weird things, too. Most of time, all I can do is shake my head and be proud that you have no shame. It doesn't matter how long we're together, it never gets old. I guess it's true what Chris Young says:

That's how you know it's true

When a new love feels old

And an old love feels new

I thank God that someday you'll be around. When? I have no idea. And, truly, I don't really have a preference. However, I know that I'll be glad when that time gets here. And trust me, I will know. I have a feeling you will make it pretty obvious.

First things first, I don’t know you, but I love you.

I probably love you because you understand some things about me that most people don’t. Being my wife has got to be a whole job in itself, so I appreciate you putting up with me. As you know, I’m extremely ambitious, somewhat of philosopher, and for the most part, I’m pretty old-fashioned.

So that the current version of you can relay this to the future you that I meet, here is a secret checklist to make me do anything you want.

**None of it is meant to be taken offensively. It is all just advantageous information for you to manipulate me into doing exactly what you want, when you want it.

The ways NOT to communicate with me:

1.       Don’t forget or lose things, be disorganized or messy or distract me when I’m in my zone.

2.       Don’t talk to slow or dwell on details to excess. Just get to the point.

3.       Don’t ramble. I lose my attention span.

4.       Don’t be redundant. I understood the first time.

5.       Don’t make my decisions for me.

6.       Don’t act like my parent.

7.       Don’t over-commit.

8.       Don’t let me change the topic of a conversation until you are finished. You’ll never get the chance back.

9.       Don’t order me to do anything.

10.   Don’t leave loopholes or cloudy issues. I’ll point them out.

11.   Don’t forget to do what you say you’re going to do.

12.   Don’t ask useless questions like “What if…”

13.   Don’t let disagreement be a reason to attack my character.

The ways you SHOULD communicate with me:

1.       Make sure I’m not busy. If I am, ask me when a good time to talk would be.

2.       Use my lingo. I’ll feel like you get it.

3.       Motivate me by referring to objectives, goals or results.

4.       Give me a deadline. But make sure to give me enough notice.

5.       Ask specific questions.

6.       If you want something out of me, present it to me logically, not emotionally.

7.       Be prepared and on time.

8.       Be clear, specific, brief and to the point.

9.       Let me think. Don’t try to force emotional responses out of me.

These tips can apply to anything, really. For example, if you want me to visit your parents, remind me that I am your man, and you want your family to be impressed with whom you have become. I will take it as a challenge. Also, make sure that you give me as much time to plan as you can. It really has nothing to do with anything other than me feeling respected and that my time is valuable. On the other hand, if you want to convince me to take you shopping, don’t come to me with the argument that you need a new watch. I’ll revert right back to the natural instinct of a man: to be cheap. Instead, say something like, “I found this watch that I really like. I know it’s a little pricey, but I know you would rather me buy something that is known for it’s quality and will last me forever. Can we go look at it when you’re done with what you’re doing?” Immediately, I’d be hooked. How can I deny you when you’re covering all your bases? You admitted you wanted something instead of saying you “need” it. You were specific in why you wanted it and were conscientious of value, and you asked me rather than ordering me.

These examples, I’m sure, will be real at some point, so refer back to this anytime you really need me to do something.

P.S. This may just be a checklist associated to anyone with the following qualities: strong-willed, determined, competitive, decisive, inquisitive, responsible, reflective, open-minded, non-judgmental, pressure-oriented, restless, alert.

Unless you’re trying to stump the stereotype, you probably have some vision in your head of a good looking guy wearing a suit and a tie. He probably is either an executive or entrepreneur that has already made it and is really just coasting through life in ways that you wish you could.

That’s fair.

But what if I told you that the most interesting “businessman” that I’ve ever heard of lived a much more humble life? So humble, in fact… he was homeless.

Growing up, my dad told me a story of this man. I’m not really sure what his name was, but for this article’s purpose, let’s call him George. George sat on the same corner every day one block over from one of the busiest streets in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. By nature, Tuscaloosa is a college town. And being that the football team has always been a major contender, the university is the city’s main attraction.

George lived in Tuscaloosa as long as my dad could remember. At the time of the story, my dad was somewhere in his teens, and he couldn’t recall a year that he didn’t see the homeless man out on the corner. George, on the other hand, was a black man in his mid to late sixties that had to use a cane to get around. The only real relevance that has is that the year was somewhere in the mid 1940’s. So, I’m sure—with a little bit of historical recollection—you understand that a black, homeless man in Tuscaloosa, Alabama was going to get an insane amount of negative attention, but George was an interesting character.

One day, my father was walking with his friends to go to one of his favorite burger joints down the street from the university. To get there, they all had to pass George’s corner. Before they reached it, though, they all stopped and watched as a man started to tease the beggar. As I’m sure you can fathom, this was a white man, and he was with two other friends. The man was probably in his thirties and was wearing a suit, so he likely had a decent profession since a lot of guys around there worked in factories or on farms. As my dad and his friends stood there waiting to see what was going to happen, they witnessed something that changed their lives.

To humor himself and his friends, the guy that was bullying the poor man held out two coins and gave him the option of either one. He said, “You can have whichever you like.” One of the coins was a nickel and the other was a dime. Which would you pick? If you said a dime, you’re smart; but you’re not as intelligent as George. George took the nickel. Expecting him to do just that, the man asked George, chuckling, “Why’d you choose that one?” George responded, “It bigga, Suh.” Immediately, the men began laughing so hard, they bent over, clenching their stomachs. And as they stumbled away, my dad could hear them making fun of how stupid George was.

Curious, my dad and his friends went to go to speak to the old man. He was still sitting there just humming to himself. It was as if none of the mocking had even affected him. “Excuse me,” my dad said. “Why’d you take the nickel? The dime is worth more.” George looked up and just smiled.

He said, “Kid, you promise not to tell?”

My dad responded, “Yes, I promise.”

“That man has been by here twelve times this month. Twelve nickels is better than one dime,” he said.

I used to make my dad tell me that story all the time when I was a kid. I was always enamored that someone could have so much humility. Most people would take the opportunity to prove those people wrong. Instead, he used it to his advantage. You may call him a conman. I call him innovative.

When George finally passed, my dad had just returned home from boot-camp. The obituary was sitting on the counter. You may ask: “Who would write an obituary about a homeless man?” Well, in 1952, a homeless man that leaves over a million dollars to his two kids is a pretty significant community figure.

I always took two lessons from that story:

1)      Make the most out of the hand you were dealt;

2)      Speak less than you know, and show less than you own. 

Out of the fifty-two people that answered my call, twenty-one of them said that they do give money because they feel that they are morally compelled to do so. Sixteen people said that they don’t like to give money at first, but will give food or some other type of aid, and if they truly feel it is necessary, they will—in fact—give away money. The remaining fifteen people admitted that they never give homeless people anything.

Being from California—which has proven to be more liberal than other areas—these results really didn’t surprise me. Also, because I personally know many of the individuals that responded, the general statics were pretty close to what I expected.

So what are the real factors, here? Rhetorically, what makes thirty-seven out of fifty-two people agree that giving someone on the street something out of their own pockets only to receive nothing in return is a good idea?

Factor 1: Most of the respondents were between the ages of 18 and 24. Generally, this age is less experienced when it comes to taking pride in something that they've built. In other words, the value of a dollar isn't quite relevant yet because it's probably not their dollar.

Factor 2: Being in Southern California, we see as many "homeless" people as working people (jokingly, of course).

Factor 3: People on streets practice pulling on others' emotions all day, everyday. They're pretty good at it.

So what was the point of me asking this question beyond just finding out some statistical information? Well, I have a very personal connection to it. For my entire senior year of high school and until I got settled into my dorm in college, I experienced what it was like to be without a home. Now, before you assume that I’m implying any type of pity for people in similar places, I was in the situation I was by choice.

After my father held me up at gunpoint in our own living room, I realized that if I continued to live there, I would be risking my life. Some rules that I was unable adhere to, at the time, prevented me from moving in with my mother. So instead, I made a decision to try to make it my own. For a while, I slept in my car (which I was lucky enough to have), and my only source of income was picking up bottles and cans wherever I found them.

Rather than becoming discouraged, though, I made it a challenge. I knew that I could’ve asked for money from my mom or a friend. But I also knew that there was a better option: make it on my own. Quickly, I prioritized two things in my life: going to church and digging through trashcans. The first month, I cashed in $347 in recyclables that I picked up in numerous places. I specifically remember two experiences that will probably stick with me forever. One day, I stopped on the side of the freeway and walked about a quarter of a mile, because I realized that the community service crew hadn’t been there yet. Another time, I walked down to Norco High School while the Junior All-American Football games were going on. I sat there all day collecting bags of plastic water bottles after each game. Just from that day alone, I made over $200.

On the side, I negotiated with one of the local gyms to let me train people without my license since I couldn’t afford to get it. And after about three weeks, I was blessed enough to find a job with a local event company, hauling and setting up party jumpers. The income gave me enough to start helping out my girlfriend at the time, who wasn’t in a much better situation. Soon after, she convinced her grandmother to let me stay in her one bedroom senior apartment, where I slept on the floor for the rest of summer.

Once summer was over and school started, the party company no longer needed me. But luckily enough, an old friend offered me a job setting up portable ATM’s. As trade for working for her, I took a reduced pay, and she let me live at her house, which was only about a block from school. However, now, I had an issue that I wasn’t sure how to solve. I was only going to be able to work on the weekends, and that wasn’t enough to live on. Understanding that my future was much more important than the current situation, I knew that I had to stay in school.

On the second day of class, I went to talk to my counselor. I knew that if there was any help available, it was going to come from her. So, she set up a meeting for me with the vice principal. When I walked into his office, I was surprised to see him reading my transcripts.

“Hi, Cody. Sit down,” he said. “You’re a smart kid. You’ve got a 4.2 GPA.”

I wasn’t really sure where he was going with it, but I just shook my head.

“I here you’ve got a little bit of a unique situation,” he said.

I responded, “Yes, sir. I do. And that’s what I need to talk to you about.”

He looked down at his stack of papers, and went on: “Well, before you say anything, I’m going to propose a deal to you. You got 4.1 last year and only went to class half of the time… That’s pretty impressive.”

A little confused, I responded, “Uh… Yeah, I went through some trouble at home last year, and I was driving a lot.”

He looked up and leaned back in his chair. “Cody, I don’t really care what the situation is. I know you’re one of those guys that wants to be the best. I can tell by the look in your eye that you’re going to do what it takes. So, here’s what I want. I want you to take all AP classes, and I want a bi-weekly report from each of your teachers. If you have under a 4.3 at the end of any quarter, our deal’s off. But if you keep it up, I will excuse you from class as much as you need.”

Completely shocked, I agreed before he could take it back. The next day, my schedule had been changed before I even got school. As relieved as I was that I would have the opportunity to work more often, I also realized that I had substantially upped my academic workload. I knew that I had a little bit of wiggle room, though, since he was requiring me to take seven AP courses but only sustain a 4.3 GPA.

Because the ATM business was struggling, I wasn’t getting paid on time. At this point, I was getting by, but my paychecks were about two weeks behind. If it was just me, I don’t think it would have been much of a problem, but both my girlfriend and I were living off the income. Again, I knew I could call for help, but—in my mind—that would put me right back in a disadvantage. So instead, I got creative once again. The next morning, I went to school and asked each of my teachers if I could come by twice a week and pick up all of their recyclables. As I expected, no one objected. It was either me or some other guy.

Through my entire senior year, that’s what I did. I made more money from that campus than I did working two jobs in college.

The point to telling you this story is to show that a little bit of desperation and creativity can get you by extremely tough times. There were several points when I had no idea where I was going to sleep. I had no idea where money was going to come from. I went an entire month eating beans and rice because I couldn’t afford anything else. And I did it all while keeping my word to my vice principal.

But one thing I never resorted to—regardless of how tough it was—was asking for money from other people. I had a ton of individuals that were generous enough to offer, and I can’t thank many of them enough for the things that they did do for me. However, I knew that the responsibility was no one’s but my own. Just like the people standing on the street, I had a choice to make. One path said, “Be a Success Story.” The other one read, “Be a Burden.”

Through the process, I only burned relationships that proved to be toxic anyways, and currently, I couldn’t be more blessed with the people and things that I have in my life--especially, my mother, who allowed me to take the path that I need to.

Personally, to this day, the only thing I ever give to people on the street is recyclables.

Lenders, landlords and even some service companies approve you based on your creditworthiness. And often, they are looking at one aspect: your credit score. Different industries may use different algorithms to determine your score, and there are several of them out there. However, the most popular is FICOTM, which scores you based on five categories: payment history, total amounts owed, length of credit history, new credit and types of credit in use. The three major credit bureaus—Experian, Equifax and TransUnion—all have different motives behind the way that they score your credit, which is why they report different things and also proves why they have such a broad range. 

Experian started as a way to provide businesses with leads for direct mailing. If you are getting credit card offers in the mail, it is most likely Experian who decided your qualification. TransUnion specializes in foreign creditors and Americans’ credit abroad, and Equifax is known for its evaluation of corporate credit, which became extremely helpful during the Great Depression.

Despite their differences, though, there are some things that these credit rating systems have in common. They all change your score based on your spending habits. Making good decisions results in good scores; “forgetting” to pay your bills or going on a shopping spree does not.

LATE PAYMENTS

Payment history determines 35 percent of your FICO score. I don’t know about you, but this makes sense to me. If someone hasn’t paid their bills on time in the past, what makes them want to start now?

Automatic payments, payment alerts and knowing your bills’ due dates can solve this problem. But remember, any late payment will significantly drop your scores.

USING TOO MUCH CREDIT

I’m sure you’ve heard that there is a sweet spot when it comes to credit usage, and you’ve heard correctly. Utilizing credit strategically can dramatically increase your score as well since it has a weight of 30 percent by FICOTM.

Your credit usage is determined by two sub-categories:

1. Total amount of credit used divided by total amount of credit available
2. Total amount of credit used on individual lines of credit divided by total amount available on that specific line of credit

Inductively, we can assume that if you already are using a higher percentage of your overall credit allowance, you may have difficulty paying it off—especially if you add more.

To help with this issue, keep a circulation of cards. Make sure that you are not racking up too much on one card, and if you do, pay it down so that the maximum usage is somewhere between 30 and 35 percent.

COLLECTION ACCOUNTS

Paying bills on time is always the best option. However, sometimes things get lost, bills are forgotten or life just kicks you in the rear. Collections can result from a medical bill or another unpaid debt from a former life. Unfortunately, the credit bureaus knew you in your former life, and like a really pissed off ex-girlfriend, they don’t forget.

Collections can be tough to deal with, but for starters, you’ll need to know how to address them. Every bureau, by law, is required to give you one free credit report per year. You can access them on AnnualCreditReport.com. These reports will show you what the bureaus are reporting and will allow you to verify that everything is correct.

If you happen to run across something that you believe to be an error, you can do one of the following:

1. File a dispute with the reporting bureau
2. File a dispute with the creditor
3. Offer supplementary supporting information to the Consumer Finance Protection Bureau

I would not hesitate to do all three so that the problem is resolved, and your scores recover.

However, if the collections date is accurate, it will haunt you for 7 years. Once again… not much different from that once beloved ex. During this period, stay on your toes, make your payments on time and concentrate on keeping a low credit usage ratio. If you do, you’ll be back on your feet and in creditors’ good graces in no time.

To learn more about how your credit could be affecting your financial portfolio, contact The Nichols Team.

Intimacy is imperative to our survival and overall happiness. Love is the largest motivation that we will ever experience in our lives. Because of this, we have tendencies to project how our lives are at home everywhere we go. When our lives at home are good, we are driven and ambitious. But when they are off, we can easily allow them to steal our focus. Whether you have found the love of your life or not, there is one thing that is obvious. You care enough to spend many of your days thinking about it. 

One thing that always interests me is to listen to different generations talk about love. The ones that go on to celebrate their fifty years together talk about it as if it’s the only thing in existence. Everything they do is for one another. My dad used to tell me, “Love starts with respect. Once you respect each other, you can trust each other, and without trust, you cannot love someone whole-heartedly.” This is where most people seem to lose sight of their vision. And when I think about giving someone respect—especially my significant other—there are few things that come to mind.

PEOPLE MOVE AT DIFFERENT SPEEDS (PIPE DOWN)

My pastor told me something a few years ago that I will never forget. He said, “Cody, people move at different speeds. Be patient.” That hit me like a ton of bricks at the time, and I remind myself of that epiphany when I start to struggle with other people. What my pastor meant by that was that you may have a different process and timeline for making decisions than someone else. Unfortunately, as impatient and frustrated as we may feel, it is imperative to let people go through their own process so that they gain the confidence and understanding of what it provides. 

HEAR TO LISTEN (LISTEN UP)

Sales people are the largest of culprits of this. We are taught to listen and be attentive, and if we don’t, we lose the deal to someone that does. What if it were like that at home? What if you lost your loved one because you couldn’t listen? Well, let me be clear: the number one reason for divorce is communication. When you think about how people speak, it is obvious who they are interested in. Most of the time, it’s themselves. In fact, the New York Phone Co. did a study several years ago to test what the most popular words were on sales calls. Any idea? The number one word was “I”. That should tell you something.

EXPECT TO EXPECT (BE ASSERTIVE)

If you’ve ever heard Tony Robbins, you know this concept. A few years ago at a seminar, Robbins said something that I could not agree with more. He said, “If we were the same individuals today as we were when we first started dating, there would be no such thing as divorce.” Robbins made an excellent point about the power of expectations. He went on to speak about the difference in communication between most women and men, and he was adamant about being willing to listen. But his main point was that the person you have shown is the only person that your partner knows. So until you are willing to set different expectations, you have no right to feel otherwise. Being transparent about how you feel and what you want will lead to healthy conversation and compromise. 

Everything in any type of relationship can be sub-categorized under these three concepts. We are not in relationships to be successful; we are in them because of how they made us feel at the beginning. And that same feeling is what will build our legacies. 

This question will plague every one of our minds throughout today. It may pertain to an insignificant situation, or it may be subjective to something much more abysmal. However, what if the question didn’t exist? How much different would your life be?

Generally this question implies a few things: fear, insecurity, excitement or depth. We can wonder about the stars in the sky and the possibility of life on another planet—if there are other beings like us in a galaxy relatively close in our infinite universe. Or, on the other hand, we can foresee a disheartening rejection, causing us to feel pain, invoke anxiety and end our campaign before it even begins. See, one moment, this curiosity can be priceless; it can drive us to find answers and be bold. And then, a moment later, it has the ability to break a spirit and inspire mediocrity.

Our minds naturally inquire about the world around us. Through observation and induction, we create a reality for ourselves. However, there is an important question that proves that life as you know it may be a façade to protect yourself from your own qualms. 

ARE THERE RIGHT AND WRONG ANSWERS TO PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTIONS?

Philosophy is a search for a general understanding of values and reality by chiefly speculative rather than observational means (merriam-webster.com). Since the beginning of time, human beings have been trying to figure out exactly what is real and what is right. From birth, each one of us has different experiences. Therefore our individual perceptions may be unlike any other, which makes this task very difficult. However, just like any other train of thought, questions lead to theoretical answers, which lead to awareness. 

What if I said to you that the light you see on a daily basis is even clouding your judgment? Sensibly, our brains derive specific neural paths to allow us to see the world rationally. For example, in a dark room, you still know that a red shirt is red even though it literally looks as if it has a much deeper color. In fact, you probably would have a hard time telling yourself that it is not red because your eyes naturally adjust your neural tendencies based on preconceived perceptions. This is because our eyes act as HD color cameras that pass light to the brain in a certain way. However, our eyes are not the only parts of us that get tricked.

Let’s go back to our question above: “Are there right and wrong answers to philosophical questions?” I can guess that most of you—after thinking about it—would say, “No.” Nevertheless, how you answered is not important. What is important is that you assumed that your answer was correct. Are you getting the gist? In other words, you just came back with—what you believed to be—a right answer to a philosophical question.

Conceptually, you may understand where I am going with this. Although, we may see the world differently, that doesn’t mean that there is not a true reality. The most successful people are most likely the ones that see the world for its simplicity and actualize fear as a nurtured reaction. So when the fright of making a phone call hits you, or you begin to dread jumping off a cliff into the water, understand the authenticity of the moment. It is just another human being with no more capability or power than you on the other side of that phone. And you know that the water won’t hurt; you’re just unused to the height’s sensation.

I love what Steve Jobs says: 

Everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you and you can change it, you can influence it, you can build your own things that other people can use. Once you learn that, you'll never be the same again.

Seeing life for what it is can be difficult, but the moment that you do, your “what if’s” will be vehicles to a life full of creation and inspiration. 

On May 6th of that year, Bannister set out to break not only a world record but to do the impossible. It became evident about midway through the race, he was on pace to do just that; and when he crossed the line the announcer’s voice was drowned out by the crowd immediately after broadcasting that the first number of the time was three.

Within the next twelve months, dozens of runners broke the four minute mile. World records were set week after week. The phenomenon here was not that runners were getting better but that they believed that they could do it. Research has proven that there is a definitive connection between the mind and the body, and what you think and believe will affect how you behave and perform. D.H. Lawrence says, “The mind can assert anything and pretend it has proved it.” So all the individuals that believed that it was impossible to run a mile under four minutes failed because their bodies reinforced what their brains were saying. However, when Bannister disproved it, other runners had no choice but to raise their potential.

I love what Arnold Schwarzenegger says: “The mind is the limit. As long as the mind can envision the fact that you can do something, you can do it, as long as you really believe 100 percent.” Schwarzenegger took that same mindset and revolutionized the sport of bodybuilding. His belief that limitations are self-depicted and unreal allowed him to change the imaginations of people all around the world.

Often, we get caught up in what the rest of humanity is doing, and we forget to add our self-worth into the equation. Just because people have been doing things a certain way does not mean that it is the best means of creating results. In fact, it is the individuals that go against the grain of traditional thought that end up establishing new awareness. However, just like Bannister, it is not about proving the world wrong; it is more about understanding that you are only limited by your perception.

Let’s assume you bought a house for $300,000, and you put 10% down at the time of purchase. In order to cover the rest, you got a loan through a mortgage lender. Because your home’s value is $300,000, and you contributed $30,000 or 10%, you really only own $30,000 worth of your property. As you pay the loan off, and your home rises in value, your ownership percentage goes up.

WHAT CAN YOU USE IT FOR?

Equity is an asset. Therefore, if you want to liquidate it (or turn it into cash), you can. Most commonly, people use it to purchase another home, make improvements to the home that holds the equity, refinance into a more beneficial mortgage or consolidate debt by using it to pay off other creditors. Another option is to borrow against the home’s equity with a second mortgage known as a home equity line of credit (HELOC). HELOC’s can be useful for specific cases, but they are also much riskier than first lien mortgages. The rates are generally variable, which means that they can change based on the market and have very high cap rates. They also have different terms than the first mortgage and generally are interest-only for a certain amount of time, which makes them very expensive once they fully amortize. 

AN EXAMPLE OF HELOC’S TERMS MAY LOOK LIKE THIS:

• Variable Interest Rate
• Prime rate of 5.24%
• Interest-only for first 10 years
• Cap rate of 18.99%

WHAT WE SUGGEST

Using your home’s equity can be enticing. However, we suggest that you speak with your financing team and financial advisor before making any decisions. 

To learn more, contact The Nichols Team at the top right of the page.

Childhood is filled with stories like this—ones that tell the tale of romanticism and its consequences. However, how many stories are geared toward the ability to have a high level of integrity—to do things that may be altruistic or actually take reward away from you despite their moral merit? Today, I want to tell you a story that brings out those characteristics, which—as we know once we are all grown up—are the ones that can make any type of relationship thrive.

 Although, I like to think that I know everything about everything, luckily, my inexperience often leads me to ask questions. Yesterday, I sat down and began speaking with some of my team about what their thoughts of the market are and what they see happening in the near future. Two minutes later we were discussing the pre-crash loan programs that—in many ways—were one of the largest contributors to our economy’s demise. Tacy, being the book of knowledge that she is, began teaching Sean and I the history of how and why the programs began in the first place. To my surprise, many of the loan products that had such a big part in over-extending borrowers to the point of no return actually had a great purpose when created. For example, negative amortizing loans (loans that allowed you to pay less than the interest owed for a certain period of time) were originally created for commercial and multi-family property investors. The point behind the product was to keep the investors’ overhead down at the beginning so they could develop the properties and build the capital and cash flow. After a few years, the loan would fully amortize, and they would have the money to support it. It wasn’t until residential lenders picked up similar products that the abuse started.

As we continued our education, Sean asked Tacy an extremely important question that led me to this post, today. “What stopped you from doing those loans?” In hindsight, we could all probably answer the question with some type of moral implication. However, when you put yourself in a loan officer’s shoes during that time period, it may be a little more difficult when you think about the reward and justification. “I’m not the lender… It’s not my money… I make a larger commission… If I don’t do it, they’re just going to go somewhere else.” What we all realized was that my brother, Sean, was not asking the question out of ignorance; he was asking what Tacy’s personal motivation was, and she answered it the best way she possibly could: “Guys, I didn’t want to ruin people’s lives. Everyone knew what they were doing was wrong, and I didn’t want to lay sleepless at night feeling like a hypocrite when I talked to God.”

Today, we get calls on a daily basis of clients that experienced the downfall of the market. Many of them are individuals that respect Tacy for having the dignity to hold her ground during a time where not many did. The lesson here is not to be perfect; it is just to care enough to be the difference, to do what is right and to hold yourself accountable for every action you take even if it has become the norm.

F = Family
Ask questions to get them started talking about their family.
Always use their name in a conversation.
E.g. Jim - How is the family?
How old are your kids now?

O = Occupation
Ask questions about their work and career.
E.g. Jim - What’s new and exciting at work?
How long have you been in this business now?

R = Recreation
Ask questions about their hobbies and time away from work.
E.g. Jim - What do you and Annie do when you are not working?
Have you been to any games lately?
Where will you go on your next family vacation?

D = Dreams
E.g. Jim - Where do you expect to be in 5 years
When do expect to retire?
Will you stay in this state?

There are many questions to ask to get your client involved in a great conversation about themselves. Most of the time it will only take one or two questions about each subject. Just elaborate. It’s also a good tool to use with other people in your life to break the ice and get a good conversation going.

Knowing this, you’d think it would be a little more natural for most of us to understand how to motivate others. However, often, we make the mistake of allowing our egos to set the priority rather than trying to appeal to what we know is true: people want to feel good about themselves. It’s kind of ironic because it seems like a perfect solution if both parties are getting what they want. So, how do the top leaders in the world do just that?

There are three main rules to remember:

PRAISE IN PUBLIC

There are numerous benefits to giving someone a little bit of credit in front of others. First of all, it gives the person confidence, and that creates effectiveness. Secondly, it makes them feel good, which leads to great reactions and motives. And lastly, it gives them credibility, which is an extremely powerful tool because it promotes the first two. 

CORRECT IN PRIVATE

Pulling someone aside and letting them know that you had an issue with something they did or said can be somewhat intimidating. However, it also can be imperative in many different types of relationships. It is critical to remember the point of the conversation, though: to make improvements. So do it with purpose, and follow up with the first rule. This will let the person know that you withheld his or her reputation and that you truly respect them.

ENCOURAGE; DON’T CRITICIZE

Notice in the previous rule, it said “correct”, not criticize. According to Google definition results, you tell me which one you like better.

• Criticism: the expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes.
   
• Correction: the action or process of correcting something.

Correction and criticism can feel like a very fine line, but they have one massive difference: correction leads to a solution. And during the process, the essential part is encouragement.

When you look at the core of each of these tips, it is exactly the same: genuine care for someone and their feelings makes results feel much more attainable. 

After we got out of the city and started driving down the coast, I started getting butterflies. This was the first real vacation I had been on in years, and it was the only time that I had gone anywhere off the mainland. As we pulled into the condo, I became somewhat disappointed. All I could think was, "Ten days is going to go by way too fast!" It was beautiful. We were overlooking the water with an eternal 100 foot walk to the sand. The place had practically been Lucas’ second home since he was a toddler so I think he got entertainment out of watching Paul’s and my expressions. But we all were on the same page: go upstairs, throw some board shorts on, and hit the beach.

The first couple days there, we had events lined up. We went to a luau, drove out to the lava fields, tried a bunch of the local foods… we stayed busy. But our third day, the thing I personally had been looking forward to more than anything else had finally arrived. We were going scuba diving. Being a nature enthusiast, I was ecstatic that I finally was getting an opportunity to experience the ocean from a different lens. And at nine o’clock in the morning, we hit the pool to go through our pre-dive training.

At first, I have to admit that it was truly intimidating. I mean, I don’t think you really are ready for what it feels like to breathe under water. From birth, we are instinctual about staying away from danger, and diving challenges your brain to reverse that instinct and convince yourself that you can sustain life without an air-filled atmosphere. 

As we continued the training, the instructor raised the expectation level and asked us to advance our technique as we practiced swimming around the bottom of the pool. With growing confidence, the male inclination to be children started to arise. We could tell by the look on his face that our aquatic professor was not exactly enthused as we all came to the surface laughing. And while he reminded us that the ocean was much different than a ten foot swimming pool, he reassured us that as long as we trusted the techniques and performed the process in the order that he relayed it to us, there was nothing to be nervous about and that he was glad that we were excited for a what was going to be a great time.

With a sarcastic round of applause, Lucas congratulated Paul and me for graduating from the "guppy pond" as we stepped out of the pool.  We had a couple of hours to waste before our expedition, so we grabbed some grub at a local breakfast spot and walked down the beach for a while periodically intervening in random efforts to push each other in the ocean. I guess when you get three childhood friends together in paradise, you can't expect much.

With our departure time getting closer, we headed back to the hotel parking lot where we were set to meet our instructor. His first news was that the others had dropped out, and he was going to be able to take just the three of us. Instantly, we got a little more excited, knowing that we were basically getting a personal tour of the ocean floor. Once he handed us buoyancy vests and our tanks, we all started laughing. We knew getting Lucas—a college defensive linemen—into scuba equipment was going to be a chore itself. But we eventually succeed and waddled out to the edge of the water.

Before we knew it, we had swam 100 yards out from shore, and it was time to descend. My heart started racing a little bit. The ocean has a way of just making you feel like a speck of dust in pile full of dirt. As I set my goggles and prepped my lungs, I became more nervous. It was go time, though. I let the air out of my vest and began to sink. A new world was upon me—an exotic, gorgeous world. Instantly amazed, I immediately began to revert to natural breathing techniques, and I started to panic for a moment. However, as I remembered the instructor’s tips and directions, everything became easier, my confidence grew, and I started on my journey into the deep blue.

They say time flies when you're having fun, and I can't argue with it after our dive. It seemed so short, but we got to experience so much. We saw turtles and beautiful fish, and Paul even got bit by an octopus, which ended up being the highlight of the dive—at least to Lucas and me. As we exited the water, we couldn't stop laughing and talking about all that had happened in the last hour. 

I guess that was the coolest part of it all. We were forced to experience the earth's beauty in silence. We had no choice but to communicate with simple correction and subtle movements. And the moment we got back to a comfortable environment, we couldn't wait to reminisce about one of the most interesting experiences of our lives. We would all agree that it's no replacement for permanent influences, but it is something that we needed to experience so that we could appreciate a part of the world that is so close yet so difficult to touch.

So often, we need those times in our normal, daily lives as well. Sometimes, we need to go through an unusual experience to get a little uncomfortable, reset our instincts and trust our instructions so that when we get back to a normal way of life, we appreciate both sides and broaden our perspectives. And who knows? You may be blessed with a few lifelong memories.

It didn’t take long for me to picture myself as a kid. I would get butterflies right before jumping into the pool. I knew it was going to be cold, but I wanted to be the first in every time. I would jog out the back door being careful not to slip on the slick, stamped concrete, throw my towel on a chair and leap. That jump was the most exciting part. The decision was already made. There was no way of turning back.

After hitting the water, it wouldn’t take long for my body to truly realize how cold it was. And most of time—out of excitement and pure shock—I would shoot as quickly out the water as possible, mimicking a dolphin coming out the ocean (I’m sure I sounded like one at times as well.). And I always had the biggest smile on my face. It was cold, but I knew how to fix it. I just needed to swim around for a minute—get my blood flowing. I needed to adapt. The worst was part was over.

Isn’t life kind of like that, sometimes? It just feels like the only way to do something is to just jump in and adapt. I heard this from a buddy of mine about two years ago when he did a presentation about fear in the workplace. His success in sales and marketing was apparent by his paycheck, so to say that the audience was attentive would be an understatement.

You want to know how I do it? You want to know the secret? Have you ever had a time when you were crippled by the phone or stopped in your tracks by a gorgeous man or woman in your field? Have you ever been intimidated to the point of failure? So have I, but here’s the difference: I only fail for a very small amount of time. Then I build up twenty seconds of courage in which I forget about everyone around me and anything I’ve ever been told, and I go for it. How do I do it? Like Nike says, “Just Do It.”

As simple as this method is, it sticks in my mind every time I begin to doubt myself. The ability to have tunnel vision is imperative when attempting to grow any business.

As social beings, we naturally commit psychological crimes on a regular basis. One of these acts of deceit is known as egocentrism. This phenomenon refers to our inability to see the world from anyone else’s perspective and often leads us to view ourselves as more important to the general eye than we actually are. Most people attribute egocentric behavior to insecurity. However, while it does carry some sort of emotional value, it is more of an evolutionary trait that we developed to survive. Understand that even in our modern world, our psyches tend to lean on things that protect the body, and social interaction does just that by keeping our confidence levels high which, in turn, relieves stress. So by being somewhat critical of ourselves based on what we know is the norm is not such a bad thing. However, egocentrism does hinder growth, and that is where—in the business world—we must be aware of why it’s there.

Most of the time, in the fast-paced world we live in, our professional industries are cut-throat, critical and competitive. For some, this can be just the place to show off, make it to the top and build a name. However, for others, those people just make it harder to make a decent living in a field they really enjoy. How does the old saying go: If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em?

Sometimes, stepping back and watching how other individuals with completely different characteristics succeed is extremely valuable. And there is almost always one thing that makes the industry leaders very similar: they are the ones that Just Do It. They are aware that the majority of people don’t have the same attitude as them, and they take advantage of it. So by being aware of our natural social tendencies and taking the stance to overcome them when necessary is not only beneficial, it’s imperative.

Probably the most well-known example of tunnel vision ever was Steve Jobs. He said it like this:

“When you grow up, you tend to get told the world is the way it is and your life is just to live your life inside the world. Try not to bash into the walls too much. Try to have a nice family, have fun, save a little money. That’s a very limited life. Life can be much broader once you discover one simple fact: everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you, and you can change it; you can influence it; you can build your own things that other people can use. Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again.”

— Steve Jobs

When your intention is to consistently train for four to six hours everyday, you have to eat more than your body can use. Why? ...because, it needs nutrients to recover from beating itself up all day. You see, we are taught--through media and advertising--that calories are bad. But most people don’t even know what a calorie is. It is one of the many things that we are negligent about as a society. Without ever understanding them, we create opinions about their purpose and limits.

Just as an educational moment (and an excuse to make me feel good about my background in biology and chemistry), let me explain what a calorie is and why it is important. Surprisingly, calories have nothing to do with food. They are actually units of energy to describe an amount of joules (or heat). To put it in simple terms, a calorie is a unit of measurement used to describe how much energy our bodies exert to “burn”, or heat, water and nutrients. A few decades ago, some major food companies changed the game. Because calories are actually standardized in kilo-calories due to their immensely small nature, some of the large manufacturers began to use a capitalized version of the word. The capital “C” actually represents a calorie times 1000 (which is equal to a kilo-calorie). Oh, man… They got us again. However, that’s besides the point.

Back to why this is important… As a former athlete, I remember being able to eat anything I wanted and not being able to gain weight. I know; it was a terrible problem. Joking aside, it was frustrating. That used to be my main objective at every meal: eat as many calories as I possibly could without passing out. What I didn’t realized until a few years later--after I had a little bit of education under my belt--was that those calories that I was eating were keeping my body running at an optimal level. It knew where it wanted to be, so it used the nutrients in the areas that it needed them most. I always thought being the biggest was the way to stand out as an athlete; I was caught up in the hype of what an athlete was supposed to look like. But when I took to training, my approach was much different. It was never about being bigger (although, that would help for some cases).  Instead, the goal was to be the most athletic, whether that meant faster, stronger or just feeling better. 

See, food became an instrument to create a piece of personal art. It no longer had any importance other than pure, natural, optimal nutrition. The goal still was to eat more than the body could use for a specific reason. It became part of the schedule. Two hours would go by, and it seemed like my guys had eaten in two days. We had trained their bodies to crave good nutrition at the right times.

In the offseason, they would tell me, “I’ve lost so much weight,” and my response used to be the same every time: “Eat more often.” We had spent a ton of time training their bodies that muscle was meant to be dense and lean, so when they stopped giving their bodies what they needed, they would lose muscle.

Does this seem like a life lesson… almost a parable? That’s because it is.

Next time you’re in the checkout line at the grocery store, take a look around. Better yet, take a look on Facebook or Twitter. Is anything there of any importance in your personal life? Does it affect you? Can you do anything about it? See, our world loves drama and negativity. Good things don’t the make the news. They don’t make headlines. Why? It’s generally because people that do good things don’t ask for the praise. They don’t need a mirror or to feel good about what others have to say. They do it because that’s what makes them who they are. It gives them purpose. They eat for nutrition, not pride.

We live in a world where the mirror is the most important object in the home. As I’m sure you can guess, I’m not just speaking about the object you use to look at your reflection. I’m referring to the perception that you have about yourself and your environment. At some point during critical psychological maturation, most of us lose the ability to differentiate awareness from importance. We generally know that “there is more” or that “there’s another side to the story”, but we choose negligence in order to keep social expectations in tact. In other words, society decides what is important; and in turn, when we look at ourselves in mirror, that is what we crave.

I used to want to be the biggest so I felt proud. But it wasn’t until I wanted to be the best that I got better. It took a change in attitude to change how I saw things. The same is true for our personal and professional lives. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the cars we drive or the places we go that we forget about the truly important things in our lives. They don’t have to be deeply emotional or anything like that, but what about making an investment instead of buying a new car?

It’s not until your mindset is filled with positive influence that you will be able to reflect a person that you are proud of and inspired by. Just like when my guys used to come tell me that they were losing weight, “Eat more often,” is still my response. When you are failing, surround and engulf yourself with positive words, affirmations and people. If your life doesn’t love you, how can you love it? Old timers will tell you, “You are what you eat.” And in this case, you are your affiliations.

With your eyes closed, you ask God to keep you focused. Immediately, chills go down your spine as the pre-game song comes on, and your teammates open the locker-room doors. Exhaling, “It’s time…”

When’s the last time you felt that feeling: “It’s time…”? It is the most amazing feeling on earth being able to train so hard for so long and finally get the chance to show what you’ve got. Unfortunately, at some point in life, most of us stop believing that that feeling is necessary. We settle for normality; we prohibit “more”.

One of the most interesting--and controversial--pieces of advice that I hear from many of my mentors is: “Don’t over-extend yourself.” I guess that advice comes from different perceptions of what length you can personally extend. However, limitations have never been my strong point. I believe I can do anything and everything, which often leads me to… you guessed: over-extend myself. So, how do you balance it? How do you find out what you should and shouldn’t do?

Taking from those that I admire and aspire to contend with, we need to learn to love failure. Failure is the one thing that gives us clear direction on what is right and wrong. When you were a kid, it didn’t matter how many times your mom told you not to touch the toaster. You still had to touch it to figure out it was hot. Failure teaches us a couple of things: 1) It proves that there is a higher potential; and 2) It points out weaknesses, giving you an advantage in future planning.

No matter your venture, you have to STUMBLE.

System: In any world that you truly want to be successful, you have to create a system. A process and set of standards allows you to instill realistic projections.

Trials: Most people think of trials as obstacles, but that’s not what we’re talking about, here. Trials are exams or tests that provide us with information. Sometimes, they may not reveal great results, but the point is to always be testing your way of doing things to look for ways of improving.

Uniformity: Being able to create something that is easily duplicatable is imperative to growth. You want to be able to tell a monkey how to do it and expect that it be done.

Motivation: It may sound cheesy, but motivation is imperative to keeping your head on straight. For some reason there seems to be a disconnect between inspirational affirmation and normal life, but intertwining them will help in a lot of ways.

Balls: By balls, I mean cojones. Have a big set of cojones. Risk is a must in life. Without it, what is the point? Be willing to do things that no one thinks about.

Leverage: Here’s where so many of the other things come into play. In football, they say, “Low man wins.” In life, it’s all about who you listen to. Build leverage by connecting with amazing individuals. Be who you want to attract; and in turn, the right people will want to be around you.

Energy: Come on, baby! You know this one. Put on your dancing shoes, and be willing to do something a little crazy. Nobody wants to be around a bunch of boring people. Have fun. Do your thing, and enjoy it!

Get people to show up

Part of Corcoran’s success is due to her ability to understand human nature. Her philosophy often consists of just getting too many people to show up. It naturally created competition, and people were happy to get anything—much less the pick of the litter.

Tell Stories

The real estate mogul is an amazing story teller. If you’re in any type of production-based business, I’m sure you’ve heard “Facts tell; stories sell.” Corcoran agrees. She says that stories help the experience to stick in peoples’ heads. They start to fantasize about what they could potentially do. It gives them the freedom to think for themselves rather than just hearing a bunch of facts.

Make impulsive decisions… sometimes.

As someone that thrives under pressure, Corcoran believes that you have to trust your gut. Sometimes, the heat of the moment is the best time to just go for it. You don’t overthink it. On the other, she warns not do anything too outrageous.

Learn how you learn

Part of being able to relate to people is understanding how you personally ingest information. If you know that you thrive under pressure, put yourself in those types of situations. If you need time, give yourself some.

Build camaraderie even in a competitive environment

Known as one of the best recruiters alive, Corcoran was asked how she promoted so many individuals to reach their potentials even when they were technically competitors under one roof. She responded, “I constantly was found outside the office, shoving them together, to get them to like each other. Camaraderie is how anybody really becomes great at what they do.”

Genuine compliments

If you ever intend to build business quickly, you have to go after those that can help you do that. Corcoran would go out of her way to send other industry professionals flowers and hand-written notes when they would get awarded for something. Because they never saw that from anyone inside their own organization, they soon would give her a chance. “They all came to work for me, because who do you want to work for? Someone who doesn’t notice you came in, or the person who’s sending you flowers and telling you you’re amazing? Flattery–genuine flattery–with a little gimmick attached.”

Allow people to do what they do best

Understanding a person’s motivation and talent is key to pushing them toward success. Corcoran says, “It’s very individual. I think what you have to key into is you have to put your finger on their soul in a real way.” One woman came to work for her and was having trouble getting any production started. This is how Corcoran responded: “Stop selling real estate. Don’t show any real estate. Don’t advertise real estate. Take the next six months, and just go back to all your lunches and dinners, and make friends. She became my top salesperson within six months–not my very top, but among my top–within six months. Why? I took the pressure off her, and allowed her to do what she did well. She wasn’t a hustler. She was a lovely lady that people wanted to be with.”

Use PR

“P.R.? P.R. is the most unutilized tool in building business. It’s mind-boggling to me. Public relations is like having a rich business partner with wads of cash, willing to spend it on you without any question being asked, and always more cash there for whatever you needed.”

2. Interactive furniture | We often think that pushing furniture up against the wall makes the room look more organized and inviting. It actually does just the opposite though. So concentrate on organizing living rooms to be used as social settings. Face furniture toward each other, and use side tables to make sitting convenient.

3. Room versatility | If you have storage room, organize the mess, and show off its versatility by giving the room an obvious and attractive purpose like an office or game room.

4. Lighting | There are 3 important types of lighting: overhead, accent (under-cabinet or reading) and task (table and wall). A room lacking in light seems to be dingy and small. Another trick is to buy slightly higher wattage light bulbs.

5. Mirrors and Windows | Mirrors and windows make a room feel bigger. Your drapes and blinds may be beautiful, but light is what makes the difference. And strategically placing mirrors to reflect the light into other areas of the home can make all the difference in the world.

6. Smaller Furniture | Often, people make the mistake of thinking that comfy furniture is the best furniture, and it may be… for you. Furniture that fits the room makes it look more spacious and versatile. Bulky or run-down furniture leads to an outdated and cluttered look. You don’t need to upgrade to solve this problem though. Just move furniture around to make it more appealing to the size of the room.

7. Paint your heart out | Sometimes the colors in our home are driven by things that we like and often show off our personalities. However, neutral color gives people more freedom to imagine their own canvases. When they are distracted by rainbows and pink flowers, naturally, they may be more reluctant to explore the home’s other features. Painting also can update outdated looks. It makes a home seem fresh and new.

8. Staggered wall pieces | Wall space is important. Potential home buyers want to imagine their own artwork in a home—not to mention what they could do with their new place. It is important to catch the eyes of your home’s traffic by showing creativity with wall pieces. When every piece is at eye level all the way around the room, it can be overlooked very easily.

9. Odd accessories | Psychologically, our eyes are more drawn to groupings of odd numbers. And most of the time, 3 is the magic number. So when using table and wall accessories, take this into account. Groupings of three can change the entire look of the space.

10. A few rooms count | The rooms that really matter to buyers are generally the bathrooms and the kitchen. So spend the most time making the rooms look beautiful, organized and clean. You may want to invest in some nicer appliances if you plan to sell them with the home. They will raise the value of your home just from visual appeal.

**When making any of these decisions, pay attention to the market around your home. If you are understanding of what type of traffic will be in and out, you can make better choices of how to appeal to that crowd.

• Parenting (how they were brought up, most likely by Baby Boomer parents): This affects how people view and spend money.

• Technology (from the internet to social media and mobile): This influences how you communicate, learn and build trust.

Because of similarity in the way that Gen Yers communicate, they have created their own unique “generational lens.” This lens includes a few key characteristics that Dorsey claims should be viewed carefully by all leaders, salespeople and marketers:

• A sense of entitlement

• Tech-dependence

• Being outcome-driven

Entitlement
With “Helicopter Mom’s” desire to make life easier for her children than she had it, Gen Y is experiencing a life stage never seen before known as “delayed adulthood.” In other words, Gen Y wants all the freedom of adulthood with none of the responsibility. This leads to Gen Y experiencing the traditional markers of adulthood much later in life. You may notice that Gen Yers are graduating from college, moving out of their parents’ home, getting married and having kids later than any generation to precede them. This also means that the 30 year old that you assume has all of the average necessities (car, house, insurance, appliances, etc.) is just beginning to grow up and is just now getting ready to make more traditional adult purchases.

Tech-dependence
Dorsey makes a bold claim that many experts disagree with, but personally (as a Gen Yer), I would have to support. Most experts say that Gen Y is tech-savvy. Their assumption is justified but wrong. Most generations look at Gen Y as being the leader of the tech movement because of their familiarity with it. However, Gen Y doesn’t necessarily know how technology works, they just know that they can’t live without it and are, in turn, tech-dependent. Dorsey proves his point: “Can you remember that last time a Gen Yer left you a detailed voice message? Probably not. But you likely can remember how fast Gen Y sends text messages without looking at their mobile devices.” This is an extremely important concept because it shows that Gen Yers are actually more comfortable communicating (and buying) with technology than they are with face-to-face interaction.

Outcome-driven
One of the other major misconceptions that Dorsey sets out to prove wrong is that Gen Y is all about instant gratification. He argues that instead, they are outcome-driven. In other words, Gen Y doesn’t want everything instantly, but they think in steps. The solution is show Gen Y the outcome that they want, take a specific reverse approach and then start back at the beginning.

These characteristics are important to driving trust, influence, sales and referrals.

So What Now? 
Gen Y has a very specific set of communication preferences:

• Gen Y types fast buy may not be able to read cursive. Goodbye handwritten thank you notes. Hello, thank you emails and text messages.

• Gen Y often does not feel comfortable with face-to-face interaction. This may be why you see them texting when they are sitting at a table with a bunch of friends or in the middle of a buying process.

• Gen Y does not purchase mobile phones to use them for talking. They also never check their voicemails! Sorry, Mom….

• Gen Y’s most preferred method of communication is texting.

Why salespeople struggle with Gen Y

• Gen Y is the first generation to make major purchases without making an onsite inspection first.

• Gen Y sees buying as a social event (and often, as a competition)

• Gen Y is the first generation in the marketplace to view pricing as dynamic. They literally expect a discount or comparison.

• Gen Y has a unique purchasing pathway. This includes how they go about gathering information before a purchase and how they comment on the experience post-purchase.

• Gen Y trusts user-generated content (reviews, etc.) more than any other generation.

Three Secrets to Selling to Gen Y
Secret 1: Make Everything Visual

• Gen Y does not read long blocks of text, and the first thing that they look for is a video and a play button. 

• They also prefer info-graphics, charts and photos that show the genuineness of the product or brand.

• Third: Gen Y looks for bullet points.

Visuals, candid photos and bullet points are the elements that guide Gen Y quickly to the decision they need to make during the sales process.

Secret 2: Tie In With Accurate Key Life Moments
Key life moments create a strong, immediate personal and emotional connection to those who are at a similar life stage. Gen Y’s include graduation, getting their first real job, moving out on their own, getting married and having their first child.

Recognizing key life moments—the highs, the lows and uncertainties—allows you to build credibility instantly and connect your product or service with their high-intensity life experiences. This will separate you from other salespeople.

• Incorporate a story about your first “real” job, moving out on your own or getting engaged.

• Include the emotion of the experience, your uncertainty, fear and joy. This shows your vulnerability and that you are human.

• Put pictures of yourself having these experiences on your office wall, or get your customers to share these types of pictures on your social media channels.

Secret 3: Connect with Gen Y in Their Way

1. Text Message

2. Email (with emphasis on the subject line)

3. Social Media

• Gen Y trusts user-generated content, so ask your customers or clients to write reviews. They don’t all have to be perfect. This may kill your ego, but it shows that you make mistakes and are human. 

• When meeting face-to-face, make Gen Yers feel comfortable by diverting their attention to a screen. A tablet may be a good investment here.

Dorsey, J. R. (2013). Three Insider Secrets for Selling to Gen Y, 1-23.

2. Integrity
Everyone makes mistakes. Things will go wrong. Hearts will be broken. However, there is never a point when other people should influence a decision that you know the answer to. This includes your friends and family. Sometimes everyone will need to take a backseat to your relationship while you get it figured out.
 

3. Honest to a fault
One of the most difficult things in life is saying something when you know that disappointment is waiting for you on the other end of your sentence. Despite the anticipated reaction, though, you chose this person to do life with you. That person deserves to know what is going on.
 

4. Show Respect
This is a blurry line for most people because they don’t truly understand it. Respect is a very simple concept that gets blown out of proportion more often than it should. As men, I want to remind you of something: respect is not dominance. It’s humility and love. It’s as easy as: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Read more about respect on my blog Judgement: The Key to Good Decisions

5. Take Responsibility
Darren Hardy says, “A relationship is not 50/50. It’s 100/0. You should be willing to take 100% responsibility for everything that has gone on.” If you don’t, it’s because your ego is too big. I guarantee you that you could have done something different to make the situation better.
 

6. Be Responsive
One of the worst feelings in the world is feeling unappreciated. A thank you and a little bit of intimacy goes a long way. 
 

7. Hold Accountable
There are always going to be moments when life takes its toll, and it’s understandable. However, being willing to hold a standard is insanely important, but even more importantly is how you hold that standard. Encouragement and empathy should always be option number one. And then if that doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to state what you believe because the reality is that your person probably has similar beliefs if they’re with you.
 

8. Set Expectations
This one is easily said. Be you. Be you from day one. If you put on a facade to get the girl, don’t be pissed when she doesn’t like who you really are. Start setting expectations early, and do what you say you’re going to do with no exceptions. If you’re “yes” is your “yes” and your “no” is your “no”, you have nothing to argue. Remember, the more you do something, the more its expected. It’s okay to ask her to be patient. Gifts and surprises are meant to be special, which means they don’t happen as often as we all like them to. Talk about likes and dislikes--deal-breakers and baby-makers. Be willing to understand and listen, and if expectations change, don’t expect anyone to read your mind. Explain.
 

9. Be A Man
Gender roles didn’t come out of nowhere. They were set by God on the day that he created Adam and Eve. The woman was created from the rib of a man, and that should mean something. She is yours to keep close to your heart and protect as if she is part of you. Your role is protect, provide, support and love. Do it. Don’t complain about it, and if you don’t like something about the way you have to do it, do something to change it. Open the door for her. Reassure her that she’s beautiful. Go out of your way every once in awhile. Hold her hand. Make her feel like she’s yours.
 

10. Understand Love
Love is the most misunderstood phenomenon in our world today. If you’re ever not sure about what it means, here’s a definition: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)” 

Dating in our world today, takes persistence, and patience and a whole lot of other things that really have nothing do with impressing anyone at all. Instead, the importance lies in the unconscious. It’s not about how someone sees you; it’s about how they feel about you. Whether it’s a first date or a lifelong marriage, dating—if done right—is an easy way to spark up a flame. In order to do that, though, there are a couple of important points to keep in mind.

PERSISTENCE:

Persistence always seems to be the one that people screw up. There is fine line between showing you want something and annoying someone.

Men, let me share something with you: women love a guy with confidence. Don’t be afraid to tell her no, but make sure you set a date within a week to show her that you aren’t dissing her. On the other hand, at the beginning, too much looks like too little… if you catch my drift. If you want to take her out, ask her; and then, leave it alone. Don’t text her every hour to see if she’s figured it out.

Ladies, it doesn’t matter if you just started dating or if you’ve been together ten years; men like things to be special. They enjoy the chase. If you always ask for it, they don’t get the opportunity to do it themselves.

The key to persistence is really about setting expectations. If you do things too often or don’t do them enough, watch out later down the road. You will be in deep water when they’ve become used to how you do things. In other words, be conscientious of who you are even when you have butterflies.

This table is a good start:

Time been togetherNumber of Dates

0-3 Months | 2-4 times per month

3-6 Months | 3-8 times per month

6 months – 1 year | 1-4 times per month

1 year + | 1-2 times per month

ATTRACTION:

As human beings, we have certain things to which we are naturally attracted. There is an easy way to remember if you’re attracting the right people when you’re single and if you’re keeping your partner on their toes down the road.

Men, I have two rules for you: 1) Never buy a woman a drink unless they are with you or you are already having a conversation. We live in a cut-throat world, and these ladies are good at going out for free; 2) Women want what they can’t have. Being told no generally doesn’t fly. So instead, give them a way to get what they want. For example, every guy tells them they’re beautiful. Point something else out. Be more specific. You won’t sound like every other jackass, and they’ll be impressed with your attention to detail.

Ladies, it’s much simpler for you because you have a couple of things that men become stupid around. The only thing you need to remember is to use your power for good and not evil. Guys like a challenge. They love the chase. Don’t give in too easy. They’re like babies; once they’ve experienced something for the first time, their attention spans force them to check out something else. Make them work a little bit. You’ll appreciate the result.

The benefit of reading many different books is that you can take insight from countless forms of success. Most writers have not achieved their names in the same ways, so it’s interesting to see how different personalities can still climb to the top. However, it becomes obvious pretty quickly that similar trends and habits follow these people around.

I’m sure there are hundreds of books out there that somebody will recommend, but these five are sure to help you on your journey.

How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Dale Carnegie did an amazing thing when he wrote How to Win Friends & Influence People. His formula is one that is hard to argue with, and it is extremely replicable. He gives you clear instruction in several extremely important areas: handling people, making people like you, winning others over to your way of thinking and changing people without creating resentment. I would say those are all things we would like to know more about.

Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill

Napoleon Hill truly revolutionized the success industry. He was the first to really dig deep into why the most successful individuals in the world are the way they are. He asked the question, “What makes someone successful?” And better yet, he shared his interviews with us. His unique approach gave us insight from people such as Andrew Carnegie, Thomas Edison, Henry Ford and others that have changed the way we see the world today. Think and Grow Rich is available in a revised version that makes it a little easier for younger generations to follow the language, too.

How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less by Nicholas Boothman

Personally, this is one my favorites books that I have ever read. It is a simple guide to understanding body language beyond what you see naturally. Most of everything in Boothman’s book is something you probably already know, but it opens your eyes to really pay attention and create better habits in your daily communication.

Be a People Person by John C. Maxwell

Pretty much anything by Maxwell is a good read. The man is practically the face of leadership. His book Be a People Person is particularly a good read, though, because he teaches about the nuts and bolts of developing “people skills”, including how to deal with difficult individuals, overcoming conflicting personality traits and inspiring others to work to their full potential.

Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell

Blink is a book that explains the ways that we think about thinking. I know, it seems a little confusing, but it is a great source of insight into our intuitive natures. You will learn a ton about why people make the decisions they do, and it may just give you an advantageous point of view.

You know, I really thought when I moved out and bought a house that I would get away from this stuff…

But on a serious note, I love my mother. I feel like she has fought adversity her entire life just so she could say it didn’t faze her. And although I could write sermons about her, there are a few distinct concepts that I have honed in on over the years that could be valuable for everyone.

1. WHEN YOU’RE IN A TOUGH SPOT…

Growing up, my mom did her best to always give my brother and me useful words of wisdom. But sometimes, no matter how much you want to help, there’s just not much you can say. So instead, my mom gave me the best piece of advice I’ve ever received, “Why don’t you talk to God about it?”

Most people project some sort of guilt for talking to God in tough situations. It’s like they feel bad because they don’t talk to him enough while everything’s going well. But the reality is: God likes to see you do well, and he loves when you come to him in times of need. He’s a father. He gets it.

2. MAKE A DECISION

My mother had two kids. One is six foot four, good looking, intelligent, funny and an in-laws dream. The other one is me. I’m sure my parents were happy once they saw me as a newborn. I was ten pounds and twenty-three inches. It was guaranteed that I was going to be a giant. Low and behold, I have grown forty-four more inches since that day.

I think—to compensate—God gave me a large ego. Luckily, I took notice of some people that I grew up around and chose to repress it at a young age; and now, it just reveals itself in the form of ambition.

Since I was a toddler, I have always wanted to create things. Surprisingly, though, it took me getting to college for my mom to finally tell me to show up or shut up. We were headed back to her house when I spitting off some fantasy that I had thought up in my dorm one night. And out of nowhere, she said, “Cody, you know what your problem is? You don’t follow through.”

I was shocked and speechless. All I could think was, “Damn… alright.” But her point was clear, and that was how we were raised. She always reminded us that we had the capability of doing anything as long as we just made the decision to do it.

3. UNDERSTAND THAT EVERYONE HAS A PURPOSE

Being the youngest child and growing up in somewhat of an unconventional environment, I quickly realized that life was an opportunity. I had the chance to help people around me and drive growth in the form of community. Because I have always cared about people living to their full potential, I never quite understood why some chose to settle. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that my mother said something to me that I will never forget. She said, “Cody, we need people that are okay with working normal jobs and don’t want to be in the spotlight. We need people that enjoy that type of life because if everyone was like you, you would have to do all those things yourself.”

That was the first true lesson on leadership and teamwork that I ever received. Without saying it, my mother was pointing out that my ignorance could’ve easily turned into arrogance. And it just so happened that it ended up being one of the greatest life lessons I have learned to date. Life is made up of intertwined relationships. We are in the positions we are in so that we can make impacts on the environment and people around us. It is often those that don’t think the same way that end up being the most important people in the room.

4. DON’T JUST MOVE ON; MOVE FORWARD

Do you remember when your teacher would repeat something a few times? They’d tell you to write it down, hinting that it was going to be on the test. This is one of those things. I would’ve repeated myself a few times, but since this is a written article, I was advised against it.

At some point, all of us have experienced heartbreak or grief or emotional frustration to the point of resentment. It’s a commonality in life that we are going to have to battle these moments. Since the dawn of time, we have been trying to figure out ways to avoid them, and it just doesn’t seem to work.

Right now, you probably have somebody on your mind. With that person, there are specific memories that you have that aid you in your justification for how you feel. Maybe you’re thinking of a husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend that walked out on you. Maybe it was a family member that broke your trust. Maybe you’re pissed off at God. The default piece of advice for this is to move on, but I disagree.

You see, moving on is a lateral move. But moving forward is vertical; it’s progressive. Moving on from something is the habitual act of learning to live without it. Sometimes, people do this through repression or avoidance. Other times, people use hate and slander; and so, it doesn’t leave a good impression on your history. On the other hand, moving forward promotes healing and growth through something known as “taking responsibility for your actions.” When you choose to stop blaming other people for the events that went on in your life and instead, you look at the experience as a blessing, you will never stress again.

“But Cody, you don’t understand.”

Let me tell you that I do. Regardless of the severity, you are obligated to overcome your adversities. If you don’t, you are allowing that person or that memory to become you, and that’s not fair to anyone that loves you. You cannot control your past, but you can choose how you respond to it.