It's time to write the slights!

It's time to make some carnage,

At the bakery tonight!

[bahdum dum dum]

It's time to put on makeup,

It's time to dress up right,

By the incredibly talented Say it with Cake!

It's time that we departed,

It's not for the fainthearted,

Oh boy I bet that smarted!

On the least sensational,
inspirational,
celebrational,
Wreckerational 

This is what we call the Cake Wrecks Shooooooow!

PPTHHPTHPFFTHPPPT!!!

Thanks to Brianna S., Kate, Stacy F., Vanessa M., Shakera, & Anna I. for the ear worm. And also for getting the Muppet song stuck in our heads.

*****

P.S. Y'all. Have you SEEN the Muppets mini-figs from LEGO?

LEGO Minifigures: Muppets

EEEEEE so cute!! I think I need Chef. And Gonzo. And Animal. Curse you, LEGO, you're going to suck me in, aren't you?

Be sure to read the reviews before you buy: apparently a lot of the 6-packs from Amazon have the same figures, so if you buy more than one set at a time you may be risking a lot of duplicates.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Because nothing shows off a baker's talent - or makes our jaws drop - quite like this business right here:

(By Finespun Cakes)

That's a style known as Lambeth, named for Joseph Lambeth, who popularized it back in the 1930s.

You'll know a Lambeth cake by its over-the-top frills and use of overpiping, which creates all that fabulous detail and depth:

(By Rosebud Cakes)

Of course Lambeth cakes are a bit old-fashioned now, but never fear, piping purists! Some bakers are doing their darndest to bring Lambeth to the next generation, with STUNNING results:

(By Aniko Vargane Orban)

No words. Only grabby hands.

Or how about this one?

(By Cakeium)

Check out those crisp clean lines! And still all hand-piped. AH-mazing.

While we're throwing back to classic cake skills, let's talk Oriental Stringwork.

(By David Cakes)

This gravity-defying sorcery is achieved with Royal icing, which hardens to a porcelain-like consistency. Believe it or not, that net is handpiped icing, y'all. HAND-PIPED ICING.

Bakers are using string work in modern designs now, too, which makes me so, so happy:

(By Pauline Bakes The Cake)

See how the filigree section stands out from the cake?

And note the hanging borders on this black and white number:

(By KupKake Tree)

I'm all about that middle tier with the flower, though. Soooo pretty.

Oh! And these colors!

(By Cake Decor India)

I never knew how much I needed this color combo in my life, you guys. SO GOOD.

(Btw, to achieve those upward loops? The baker has to turn the cake upside down. Mad skillz, my friends.)

Here's one so perfect you'll swear it can't be cake:

(By SifBeth)

See those tiny, TINY lines all around the border? HAND-PIPED.

Jumping back to a Lambeth style for this oh-so-sweet number:

(By Craftsy member FlourSugarButtr)

Another fantastic color palette, and don't be fooled by how smooth those ropes are; the base may be fondant, but all the piping is, well, PIPING.

And one final Sweet for now:

(By Beyond Buttercream)

Bakers, you are KILLING it with the color choices today. Rock on with your bad selves.

And the rest of you, look closely at those chained string borders. HAND. PIPED.

Hope you guys enjoyed our little glimpse into modern cake mastery! If you're interested, I highly recommend Googling both "Lambeth" and "Oriental Stringwork", because there's so, SO much more than I could show you here today.

Happy Sunday, and happy browsing!

*****

P.S. Speaking of piping, have you seen these new no-mess silicone piping bulbs?

8 Pc Bulb Decorating Kit

Y'all. Go read the reviews; these things are apparently total game-changers. Easy to fill, clean, no more leaking piping bags, AND they fit all the Wilton metal tips we already have! I don't do much cake decorating these days, but I do pipe caulking for crafts, so I'm excited to try these out.

Well minions, I've found some cakey equivalents, and they. are. GLORIOUS.

The only thing missing is 8-bit Mario music and a MySpace link.

This is why you never drink and web-design:

Or rather, drink and edible-image-design. Holy clip art overload, Batman!

Speaking of clip art, there are some ANCIENT edible image designs still being sold in a certain huge grocery chain, and I think you'll agree: they need to stop.

First there's this:

Which is kind of cute until you realize that kind of uniform is only used for skimpy Halloween costumes nowadays... and she looks like she's about to throw that cake in someone's face. ("I put on the outfit, I got your stupid flowers and cake, and that's where I draw the line, bub. Now put. The stethoscope. DOWN.")

Don't worry, though, just to even things out, there's a male option!

...of a doctor. Doing, you know, doctory things. Because he doesn't have time to deliver your sweets and flowers, k, pumpkin? HE'S A DOCTOR.

And while we're on the subject of some sweet, sugary sexism, check out this pair of designs:

Look, I'm not one to over-analyze something as trivial as cake...

Oh, wait.

YES I AM.

So Mr. Boss Man "works" with his feet up and a knowing leer - there's not even a computer on his desk, because he doesn't concern himself with the little picture, got it? - while the female equivalent is either a secretary-type or a telemarketer. Mmmhmm. No, yeah, that's suuuper cute and appropriate.

Riiiight. Thanks to Heather S., Kathy G., Jessa H., Seab & Steph, and Katie H. for the blergiest of cakey blergs.

*****

P.S. You seem stressed. Take two of these and don't call me in the morning:

Squishy Stress Voodoo Doll

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Melissa supplied all the miniature accessories: benches, bird baths, etc - so the baker only had to make the garden and waterfall parts on the multi-tiered cake.

On the Big Day Melissa was aghast to discover that:

A) there was no garden - not a stitch of green icing anywhere

B) in fact, the ONLY decorations were the miniatures Melissa herself had provided, with the exception of

C) the waterfall, which looked... like this:

[wincing] Ooh. There's a slight wrinkle.

Melissa would also like me to point out the "pond" on the bottom, which the baker converted into an above-ground pool. An above ground pool with a giant flannel scarf dangling in it. Dangle dangle dangle. Yeah. Like that.

Thanks and sympathies to Melissa, who says this STILL isn't water under the bridge. It's more like dirty laundry under the bridge, which someone brought to her wedding, and then charged her several hundred dollars for.

*****

P.S. Something about that wrinkly blue scarf reminded me of those shiny blue balls that keep your produce fresh. Have you seen these?

Blueapple Freshness Saver Balls

Just pop one in your crisper drawer and the other in your fruit bowl, and these will absorb the ethylene gas that quickens ripening, so all your fruits and veg stay fresh longer. Seems like witchcraft, I know, but go check the thousands of rave reviews: apparently they really work!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Happy National Beer Day, everybody!!!

Or, yeah, that.

Please decorate responsibly.

A toast to Lisa Q., Bambi W., Haylee H., Nancy M., Hayven, Amy J., Kathy B., Leah P., & Yenni, the best wreckin' buddies a guy could ask for.

*****

P.S. Want to get your Father's Day shopping done early?

"To Dad" Beer Glass

BOOM.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

But instead, her baker got a little really drunk and had a silly string party:

Bottom Tier: "Hey, I think I'm actually better after a few drinks!"

Middle Tier: "MOAR BEER MOAR STRINGY THINGS WHEEEE"

Top Tier: [face down on the counter, blindly spraying icing all over the room]

Meanwhile...

Kimberly decided on something a little more rustic for her wedding:

...but this really goes against the grain:

And Brittany T. ordered this loveliness for her wedding cake:

You must admit, her baker did a crackin' job:

o.0

Also, if you watch those embedded BBs long enough, I'm pretty sure they'll slowly sink into the cake and disappear, ala the La Brea Tar Pits.

Who's hungry?

Thanks to Jennifer H., Kimberly W., & Brittany T. for fueling bride-to-be nightmares everywhere.

*****

P.S. In case this post wasn't painful enough:

Exceptionally Bad Dad Jokes

There are a lot of "dad joke" books out there, but this one has awesome ratings AND the word "spiffing" on the cover, so it's a clear winner.

Good news, there's a Volume 2!

Exceptionally Bad Dad Jokes, Vol II

This one has the word "spiffing" in the title AND comes with a lovely green-and-gold cover, so folks will recognize your sophisticated taste while begging you to stop telling these terrible, TERRIBLE jokes.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Well, unless it's one of these.

Hah! Wait, you are joking, right? Uh, yeah, I think maybe I'll pass - thanks, though. Really.

No, seriously; now you just seem too eager. Keep your stinkin' cake, alright?

Yeah, that's what I was afraid of. Back off, Chucky-boy!

No!

Well, I should think so! You're supposed to be sweet little confections, not all threatening and...

...eek! Uh, no problem, mister Cake, sir - not a word from me, nuh-uh!

Kelly, Moxie, Michele H., Ashley C., and Nikki P., I've been trying to cut down on sugar lately, and I think it's getting to me. If you'll excuse me, I'm just going to go lay down for a spell...

*****

P.S. For folks who appreciate a good linguistics lol:

"Synonym Rolls" T-Shirt

"Just like grammar used to make," hehehe. More colors at the link.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

(By Bake Me A Cake)

AW YEAH.

We spent the morning driving around to Goodwill and various thrift shops, trying on clothes, singing along to the car radio, and later stopping at Subway for lunch - which I remember being a treat, because we got the cookies for dessert.

(By Mor Di Da Mor Di Da)

(This is me around chocolate chip cookies. ALWAYS.)

We didn't talk about school. We didn't talk about my friends or grades or any of those awkward teenage "body-changing" topics. We just told each other which tops looked best, chatted about nothing, laughed, and had fun.

It was the first time I realized Mom wasn't just my mom, she was also my friend.

(By Silvia Mancini)

Mom was an RN while I was growing up, which meant my brother and I got zero sympathy for our scraped knees and boo-boos. Don't get me wrong; Mom was an expert at patching us up - but if we wanted a hearty "You poor thing!", then Dad was the place to go.

(By Karolyn's Kakes)

I later learned Mom was working nights in the ICU then, and routinely saw the kind of pain and grief I can't even fathom, because she came home and smiled and hugged us just the same.

(By Hazel Wong Cake Design)

Once, on another hooky day with Mom, she and I went to the matinee of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - you know, the live-action one?

(By Suganana)

It was terrible. But Mom loves terrible kid movies, and to this day she'll request we see whatever the latest animated or G-rated flick is, no matter how ominous the reviews, and then she'll laugh and gasp and have so much fun that you'll wind up loving it, too.

In my teens Mom was in a car accident that prevented her from ever working as a nurse again. She had to wear a neck brace for ages, and later had a surgery to wire her jaw shut for a while. Then she got braces... at the same time *I* had braces.

(By Sweet Sugarbelle)

People kept mistaking us for sisters, which Mom REALLY liked, but I just found embarrassing - especially that time an older friend of mine hit on her... with me standing right there.

(By Imaginup)

Today my folks live in a different state, but I'm happy to say they are still my friends. We visit often, and even go to Dragon Con together, where Mom loves dressing up steampunk - with outfits she still puts together from the thrift store.

(By Sweetlake Cakes)

Lately Mom likes to video chat and show me all the crafts she's teaching during her volunteer work at the local retirement home. And now she and Dad have joined a Harley Davidson group/club/gang(?), so they spend weekends taking long rides together decked out in the most, um, fascinating fashions.

(By House of the Rising Cake)

(I could have gone my whole life without seeing my mother in leather chaps, you guys. MY WHOLE LIFE.)

Mom's the most servant-hearted person I know, and has seen and endured a lot of pain, though you'd never know it. Somehow she's managed to keep a sense of wonder and whimsy through life - something I try hard to emulate. She raised me to love reading and Star Trek and fantasy and fun, and taught me that when the going gets rough, you turn up the music and sing along extra loud - and off-key. ;)

For my folks' 40th anniversary a few years back, we sent them to Disney World - mostly for Mom - and I'll never forget her delight.

(By Mutlu Dükkan)

She's the big kid who makes you remember how great life really is sometimes - even when life really isn't so great. The best moms are like that. And days like today help us remember to thank our moms, and be grateful for the things we just didn't know how to appreciate when we were younger.

So happy Mother's Day, Mom. Thanks for showing me that when I thought you were being the most embarrassing, you were really showing me how to be the best adult. I love you, I'm proud of you, and I hope we can go shopping again someday soon.

PS - This is a first-time-ever cross-post from my other blog, Epbot. Same text, different pictures. So if you'd like to see the version with pics of my mom in steampunk costumes & on motorcycles & hugging awkward young Jen, click here.

*****

Oh and did you forget to send your Mom/Grandma/favorite parental personage a card today? Because you could make it up to them with a card that transforms into a bouquet:

Fresh Cut Paper Pop-Up Flowers

I sent this one to my Mom for her birthday last month - it looks just like this! Even better; it ships free with Prime, so no extra postage needed.

Or you could stock up with the three-pack!

There are more styles and colors at the link.

Renee C. ordered this sandcastle cake for her beach-themed wedding:

So you know what's coming, right?

Heh. Aheh.

That's right: DIRTY PUNS ARE COMING.

The bride really got the shaft here, and it doesn't take a firm grip on reality to be testy over such a cock-up. Should she just suck it up and beat it? Is she nuts to take this blow so hard? Will nothing stop the erection of headstrong turrets?

No, that's a fallacy!*

Besides, I'm sure bakers will get the point in the end.
Aaand I'm done.

Thanks to Renee C. for the heads up!

Okay, okay. Now I'm done.

*'Cuz it's a phallus - see?
(OH COME ON THAT WAS GENIUS.)

*****

P.S. Speaking of things that are dirty, I have to introduce you to the handiest little kitchen gadget for under $8:

Dishwasher "Dirty/Clean" Slider Bar

The whole thing is magnetic, and it also comes with a double-sided adhesive for non-metallic machines. Also comes in black, and there's a prettier cursive option if you don't like the bright red/green!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Jen: "Finding cakes for National Moon Day."

John: "Ok... so what's that, and what does it have to do with Moon Day?"

Jen: [clicking] "Hang on, you'll see."

John: "This still doesn't..."

Jen: "Waaaait for it..."

John: "OH. Moon day, heh. But see, I think you may have mis..."

Jen: "Dude, you totally just said, 'Butt see'.

Both together: "Bwahahaa!"

John: "But seriously, you've got the wrong Moon Day. It's supposed to be the Moon Moon day. The one in the sky.

Jen: [still clicking]

John: "Jen."

"Jen."

"STOP POSTING BUTT PICTURES YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG MOON."

John: "You win. Go back to butts."

Thanks to Brooke B., Adria P., Deborah B., Anony M., Lynne S., Nicole E., & Gorilla for helping me get the drop on John.

*****

P.S. I have the kind of insomnia old-timey bards would write songs about, so let me sing the praises of my amazing sleep headphones - for when you DO want to sleep:

Bluetooth Sleep Headphones

I listen to boring audio books on these every night to keep my brain from spinning out of control, which works wonders. Lately I've been wearing them like a sleep mask - like the model here - and WOW, that's helped even more than when I wore them like a headband! These things have been a life saver: comfy enough for side sleeping, not too loud like some of my old speakers, and they only cost $20 Prime.

Note that they do run on the big side, but that works great if you have a big head like me.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

And I laughed and I laughed 'til I gave myself the hiccups, and then I wondered how often this actually happens. (The sign thing, not the hiccups. I already know hiccups happen whenever the party has a sudden lull and you're in a big, echo-ey space.)

So even though you may have seen some of these before, I had to put them all up again. Because, FUN TRUE FACT, the more of these you see, the funnier it gets.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go drink a big glass of water.
*hiccup*
Or maybe look at some C-section cakes for a good scare.

Thanks to Abigail E., Collen M., Gretchen O., Anony M., Justine T., & all of our inner 10-year-olds for making abbreviations FUN again.

*****

P.S. While we're at it, here's another hilarious reminder that English can be confusing as heck:

P Is for Pterodactyl: The Worst Alphabet Book Ever
*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Long like the trombone
are a giraffe's neck bones
7 bones
Bony bones
But Phil only had one bone.

Sucks to be you, Phil.

*******

There once was a baker called Smit
Whose spelling was never a hit
From what I have heard
He botched ev'ry word
Except one: that guy knew his...

...stuff.

****

Elsa didn't know
Until blood started flowing
What she'd created

****

DO NOT

stand

in
         cake
             case

[whispering] Bakeryyyyy

****

Once in a season, very near Fall
From deep in the forest, trees shady and tall

Comes something peculiar, and so seldom seen
Like a leprechaun's gold, or a unicorn's spleen

Look quickly, my brethren, for with any luck
You'll be graced with the majesty of Weenie Buck

*snapsnapsnap*

Thanks to Keelan M., Julia C., Jess K., Kia H., & Kristy D. for helping us channel our inner Charlie McKenzie. ("WOMAN! Whoaaaaa-MAN!")

*****

P.S. I see you appreciate poetry. Might I recommend...?

I Could Pee On This, And Other Poems By Cats
*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

10 Reasons Edible Images Are The Absolute WORST:

1) Because even though bakers COULD use spell-check...

...they don't.

And also that pesky spacing thing.

2) Because now it looks like the cake is wrapped in fabric:

3) Or shiny plastic:

(I've seen Slip n' Slides that looked thinner than that stuff. Think you need scissors to cut it?)

4) Because the printer always runs out of ink and turns everyone green:

But thank goodness bakeries don't let that stop them.

5) Because of the badly Photoshopped photo collages:

6) And free clip art:

7) Because it gets all shiny and slimy:

*hurk*

8) Because square paper, round cookies cakes:

Ahhh, SEAMLESS.

9) Because creepy ultrasounds:

"NO I DON'T WANT THE FACE PIECE, JOAN."

And finally, the best/worst reason edible images are the worst?

10) Because bakers keep doing this:

Not cool, bakers. Not cool.

Thanks to Alexis M., Alexia K., Jennalee Z., Graham C., Melissa H., Darren G., Amber, Nicky W., Mercedes M., & Desiree H. for getting the picture.

****
BONUS SWEET:

And now, because every rule needs an exception, allow me to present the best Edible Image Cake...
OF ALL TIME:

Thank you, Julia H.
And, YOU'RE WELCOME, WORLD.

*****

P.S. As a palate cleanser, check out this rainbow wreath I made for John's room:

I used this 84-pc butterfly set, which I know you crafters are gonna love:

(3D Butterfly Wall Magnet Set)

They're double-sided and come with both magnets and stickers. Definitely browse the projects in the reviews, there are so many cool ideas - and the set is on sale right now for $9.99!

LET'S DO THIS.

(By Cakes by Mifa)

Those soft ombré ruffles are like a dream vacation for my eyes. Ahhhh. And isn't it amazing how that one sugar branch makes the whole cake?

I love how the lilies pop on this monochromatic number:

(By Dream Cake Factory)

Like a line drawing come to life!

I've seen wedding cakes modeled after the bride's gown, but here's a first for me: one that matches the Flower Girl!

(By HapiCakes, now renamed Hazel Wong Cake Design)

Ah! So perfect!

The baker calls this next one "coffee and cream":

(By Marlene of CakeHeaven)

Fantastic brush embroidery on the flowers, and those soft ruffles & flower sprays are putting the "chic" in "shabby chic."

Or, for a more modern look:

(By Ames Cake Creations)

If this were an art exhibit I'd call it, "Flower, Deconstructed." So cool!

And if you really want to amp up the drama:

(By White Rose Bakery [now closed], via The Perfect Palette)

It doesn't get more timeless than this! Wowza.

Most sugar flowers are technically edible, but of course you wouldn't really WANT to eat them.
Buttercream flowers, on the other hand?

(By Arty Cakes)

Delicious *and* delightful.

Here's another cool design: the bottom tier looks like one giant flower:

(By But A Dream Custom Cakes)

Or maybe more like four giant flowers, put together. Whichever, I LIKE.

And these bright colors & little corkscrew vines = instant summertime fun.

(Google can't find this one at all, so I think it must be from Facebook. Anyone recognize it?)

Looking at this, I almost don't mind that it's still 93 degrees outside. Almost.

And this cool blue beauty has a retro flair to it that I'm really digging:

(Photo by Captured Moments Photography, but there are so many I can't tell which one, and baker unknown. Anyone recognize it?)

Really love the modern shapes to the tiers, though, which complement each other beautifully.

And finally, a pastel rainbow so stunning I had to look three times to make sure they weren't real flowers:

(By Sylvia Weinstock Cakes)

Mmmmm. Rainbowy flower goodness. And the quilting! And gold leaf stripes! Definitely my happy place for the day.

Hope you guys found some happy here, too! Happy Sunday!

*****

P.S. Speaking of awesome flowers, I sent my Mom this amazing pop-up bouquet for her birthday this month:

Fresh Cut Paper Pop-Up Flowers

It looks just like this in person, so cool! Plus it ships free with Prime, so no extra postage needed.

There are more styles and colors at the link, go see!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Prevent two kinds of wrecks, my friends: Don't drive drowsy.

Thanks to Deb C., Sarah B., Susan B., & Christina W. , who really just had wrecky bakers, but our way is a lot funnier. :)

*****

P.S. I have the kind of insomnia old-timey bards would write songs about, so let me sing the praises of my amazing sleep headphones - for when you DO want to sleep:

Bluetooth Sleep Headphones

I listen to boring audio books on these every night to keep my brain from spinning out of control, which works wonders. Lately I've been wearing them like a sleep mask - like the model here - and WOW, that's helped even more than when I wore them like a headband! These things have been a life saver: comfy enough for side sleeping, not too loud like some of my old speakers, and they only cost $14 on Prime.

Note that they do run on the big side, but that works great if you have a big head like me.

******

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Baker #1: "So the couple getting married this weekend wants 'United Forever in Love' written on their wedding cake, but they want it in English. UG. Where's our English dictionary?"

Baker #2: "Oh, please. Just copy a few lines off this old box of Twinkies! No one will ever know."

Before you ask: Yes, this really is the cake from a Japanese wedding. Judy A.'s daughter is an exchange student there, and took the photo. No word on what the couple really wanted their cake to say, but hey, it could have been worse! They could have gotten matching tattoos that said "crazy diarrhea." :D

Thanks for the cultural exchange, Judy!

For example, tell me you don't get a brain-ache from trying to comprehend...

The cycloptic smiley clover of despair!!

(Now with matching ladybug!)

And that popping noise can mean only one thing:

"Pool Party Patty" has some serious 'splainin' to do.

You know what every caramel cheesecake needs?

Pretty much anything but large poo-swirls topped with plastic mold-specked hot dogs and hamburgers, that's what.

Although I'd be lying if I said I didn't like the little surfing 'dog on the left:

C'mon, a mini hot dog riding a poo wave? What's not to love?

And lastly, check out what Amy S. got for her rehearsal dinner when she requested a simple sheet cake with a logo on it:

I don't know what that is either, Amy, but I hear the chocolate coating helps it go down easier.

Moira & Stephanie E., these cakes are inconceivable.

[adjusting goggles]

But first, let's take a look at the average daily fare in this Fine Establishment:

Bad Horse after some really spicy black bean enchiladas.

("Dibs on the festering pile of black goo!")

(PRO TIP: "Festering" makes everything funnier.)

(Unless the thing is on you, of course. Then, less so. To you. The rest of us will still think it's funny.)

The return of the gnarly poop fingers...OF DOOM.

I'd also like to point out that Adria sent these in yesterday, and it's April. Is this like a Christmas in July thing? Halloween in April? And why are the flying orange sea urchins attacking the poop fingers, anyway? Do they always hunt in packs? Do they have shrill little battle cries? I bet they do. I bet they sound like Angry Birds when you successfully complete a level. Only....EVILER. Like, a-letter-of-condemnation-from-the-deputy-mayor evil.

This one actually isn't that bad, comparatively speaking. I mean, I'm not sure how the yellow stuff got dripped on so precisely, or why the Bat logo looks like a battle axe, or what natural ailment would cause an otherwise sane person to think those borders are acceptable for anyone over the age of three, BUT...

...nope, I have nothing to add to that. Never mind.

And my personal favorite:

"Candy From a Baby"

AKA

"How much can we insult our customers' intelligence before they stop shelling out $14.98 for this crap? At least this much. MUAH-HA-HAA! AHAHAAAAHA! Ahah."

Seriously, I love how even the attempt at any kind of decoration has been abandoned. One blobby squirt of a bottom line + finger smeared topping = DONE. And that's about standards, you know?

[poking cake]

Smells like cumin. Huh.

Thanks again to Adria for singing along.

What, you think I'm exaggerating?

THIS ALLIGATOR WANTS TO EAT YOUR FACE.

That's right, a smashed cake alligator wants to kill you. It's serious down here, guys.

And then there's the snakes:

"Help meeeee!"

Which this baker has so helpfully illustrated mid-murder.

We've got poison toads:

"I want you to croak."

And snakes:

GAAAAAAkeepscrollingkeepscrollingkeepscrolling

And giant angry spiders:

Who team up with killer bees...

Did I mention the snakes?

BECAUSE WE HAVE A LOT OF SNAKES.

Not to mention the armies of squirrel-sized mosquitoes:

They're very friendly. No sense of personal space.

Piranhas:

Seriously.

And panthers.

NO LION.

Because of course we have panthers. Why wouldn't we have panthers?! I mean, what would a swamp be without FRIGGIN PANTHERS?!?!?!

So.
To sum up, if you come to one of Florida's many beautiful national parks, you're gonna die. Probably. Best not to chance it. Just go to Disney and marvel at the animatronic deer and bunnies, which are super lifelike this time of year.

This has been a public service announcement from Cheryl G., Kelly V., Tracey S., Anony M., Sarah G., Andrew W., Ashley M., Kelly R., & Gretchen T.

*****

If you know someone who loves frogs, maybe skip the wreck and get them this instead:

Fanatical About Frogs

It's part of a cool animal series with incredible art. In fact I'm also eying Obsessive About Octopuses, just for the cover alone. Hnnng.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

(By Intricate Icings Cake Design)

Preeeeettty.

Now, I'm a hermit blogger with what my doctor described as a "shocking" vitamin D deficiency, so I think it's safe to say I'm not the outdoorsy type. BUT! I hear there's actually a lot you can do in our national parks.

Things like:

Kayaking:

(By Mike's Amazing Cakes)

Hiking:

(By Sweet and Sassy)

Camping:

(By The Royal Bakery)

And fishing!

(By Tiffany's Baking Co.)

At least, I think you can fish in some parks, right? Either way, those sculpted waves over the fish are super cool. (Note all the broken hooks, 'cuz the fish won. Ha!)

There's also that classic park activity:

(By Little "Miss" OC's Kitchen)

Eating!

Or I guess the proper term is "picnicking."

For you park-lovers getting married, here's a delicate hand painted number:

(By Cake Central member Ratga)

I like how the tree tops extend over the tiers!

Or how about the pebbles-and-bark textures on this one?

(By Delicut Cakes)

Not to mention my favorite color flowers. Mmmm.

This sugar waterfall works perfectly with a topsy-turvy cake:

(By Rising Flours)

Also perfect? The white frothy bits near the bottom. So good.

I'm diggin' the silhouettes on this one:

(By Colorado Rose Cake Company)

Plus? It's fondant-free!

And finally, while it's not exactly a parks-celebrating cake, I couldn't pass up showing you guys this EPIC Ron Swanson lumberjack cake:

(By Artisan Cake Company.)

Even the axe is sugar! And it's filled with red flannel!

Now that's sweet.

Happy Sunday, everyone!

*****

Trekking The National Parks

This is an award-winning strategy board game for park lovers and families alike, with over 8,000 five-star reviews on Amazon.