My wife went into a cake maker to get a small cake for my birthday. They asked what she’d like on it and she said, "How about the Chicago 'C', like The Chicago Bears’ 'C' logo? Is that possible?"

They said, "The Chicago C? No problem."

...it was the funniest present I’ve ever received.

Let's hope that Justina felt the same way about her University of Michigan cake, which was supposed to look like this:

But ended up looking like this:

Oh! A swing and a miss!

Karen M.'s son asked for the Alabama "A" on his birthday cake. To help the bakery out, his aunt brought in a photocopy of his Alabama hat to use as a reference.

(Can you sense where this is going? If not, then you really haven't been reading this blog long enough. Heh.)

Ready?

Here's the cake:

Thank goodness they didn't bring the actual hat in; that icing would take forever to clean off.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

[dimming lights]

[queuing up sexy saxophone music]

[adjusting Speedo]

Hey, Bebeh.

How YOU doin'?

Today is Ken Day, bebeh doll, and that means I'm here to make all your sexy, sexy dreams come true.

Except maybe that one.  

(Never again, Cancun.  NEVER AGAIN.)

That's right, my sprinkle-coated sugar dumpling, I am about to rock your world ... by dealing you a hand of Blackjack:

Or, wait... this is a hot tub? Oh. Ok. EVEN BETTER. Mrowr.

Now, slide that sweet little personality of yours over here, and have an enormous glass of ketchup:

I warmed up this side of the concrete slab just for you. [eyebrow waggle]

What's wrong, my tangy berry sweet tart? Is the concrete not to your liking? 

Perhaps you'd prefer some Satin Ice* sheets?

I don't lounge this casually for just anyone, you know. Mostly because I lack articulated elbows.

(*That one's for you, decorators.)

These boxers are really confining, though, my scrumptious fondant-wrapped cheesecake bite.

Here, let me slip into something a little more comfortable:

You can't see it, but I'm totally flexing for you right now. Unnng.

Ahh, I can tell by your dismayed expression that you're thinking EXACTLY what I'm thinking, my honey-drenched pudding pop: this DOES cover up too many of my "finer assets." [wink] Well, don't you worry. I can fix that.

[grunting]

[squelching noises]

Ok, my candy-coated cake pop! Prepare to meet ... THE LOINCLOTH OF LOVE:

Take me away, officer; I surrender to YOUR SEXINESS. 

Oh, and I should warn you: objects in the rear view are much hotter than they appear.

[jiggle jiggle]

Thanks to Sara O., Sanne V., Mary Ann B., Frank M., Laura S., Renee D., & Lauri M. for helping me retroactively ruin a lot of people's childhoods.

*****

A few years ago, after John and I first published this post, we received an e-mail from readers Charity and Royce. That e-mail contained an audio file. An audio file that, once played, would change our lives forever.

Or at least make us laugh like hyenas for a good five minutes.

So today, for your wrecking pleasure, we present that audio, combined with our original visuals. Turn up the volume, and ENJOY.

Note from john (thoJ): When I was making this video, I pitched down Royce's voice just a bit for sexiness. When I showed Jen, she asked if I could pitch it way UP. The result is, if possible, even more hysterical.

So I present to you... The chipmunk version!

Like Snow White, you set out hoping for something "charming," but in the light of day you find yourself stuck with the second string dwarves.

There's Creepy:

Made by the incredibly talented Sarah Jones
"I dare you to cut me."

Queasy:

"I can't believe I ate ITS WHOLE WING."

Crazy:

"WOOLOOLOOOLALALAAAAAAAA!!"

Drippy:

(Queasy's second cousin)

Hairy:

She's planning on using your birthday candles for a waxing later.

Horny:

"Because I have horns, you see. And I'm really Randy.

"(It's short for Randolph. Horny is my ... [sunglasses] ... MIDDLE NAME.)"

And of course, that old favorite:

.doc

Thanks to Stacey, Kimberly C., Carly G., Rachel K., Anony M., Bob B., & Jessica C., who know a picture is worth a thousand words - or in this case, one printable image file.

*****

I will make up for that with not one, but TWO cute unicorn mugs:

Rainbow Unicorn/Pink Narwhal Coffee Mug

One by land, one by sea!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

__ Travel
__ Zombie Apocalypse
__ A pack of wild rodents gnawing off our extremities
__ All of the above
 X  Nap time

Instead, please take this opportunity to entertain yourself by:

- Correcting this cake:

- Guessing what this is supposed to be:

- Brainstorming at least three (3) suitable puns for this:

Always Butterflies: Now with wings!

- Writing a short story to explain this scene:

Suggested title: Revenge of the lobsters

- Leaving a colorful message after the beep.

*beep*

Thanks to Gin M., Lori R., Elaine K., and Anne M. for continuing to hold.

******

P.S. Hey fellow book lovers, I just found what may be the prettiest bookmark EVER, check this out:

Metal Feather Charm Bookmark

It's like jewelry for your book! You can choose from gold or silver - or get both, because they're on sale this week for less than $10 each! I won't judge.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

All I want is a womb somewhere

(STAT!)

I wish you people wouldn't stare

(Excuse me! I'm gestating here!)

Maybe a slit right there?

Now, woooouldn't that be loverly?

There'll be leftovers you won't eat

(Hey! This cake was half off!)

Might I suggest a piece wif feet?

(Cannibalism goes down so much better when it's camouflaged.)

Moms are a tasty treat

("Mom-to-be gets the first slice!")

Aren't beeeeelly cakes just...

(hurk)

...loverly?

Wombfelt thanks to Chris W., Angela P., Dotty McK., Nurse Katie, Tia B., Jes R., and Sasha H., who really know how to deliver a great picture.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Most Seuss cakes tend to feature a certain cat in a certain hat, but after The Lorax hit theaters we got to see some fun new designs:

By Gabrielle of GoBoulay cakes

And check out the perfect Truffula Tree cupcakes Gabrielle made to go with it!

Look at the perfect twisty trunk! And that icing texture for the tree top? Brilliant.

And this Lorax is begging to come live with me, I just know it:

Sub'd by  Noemi R., made by Inticing Creations

Cute story: Noemi and her friends first brought out a decoy wreck to prank the birthday girl. Ha! So, Amy ended up with a wreck AND a Sweet? Dude, that's MY kind of prank!

It's not often that I praise the use of an airbrush on cake, you guys, so brace yourselves:

By Cut the Cake

Now THAT is some awesome airbrushing. There, I said it. It didn't even hurt! (Much.) And I love how the parents' names are listed as the authors! (Did I mention this is a baby shower cake? No? Oops. Um...This is a baby shower cake.)

What's that? You want a jaw-dropping mini diorama of perfectly iced cookies to go with that cake?

Well, gee, you don't ask for much, do you? [<--SARCASM]

Luckily I happen to have a little something here that fits the bill:

By Jen Whitlock of Posh Pastries

My jaw, it has dropped. The balloons! The elephant! The marshmallow packing peanuts!! What a clever twist on the cookie bouquet!

Well, I think it's high time for a certain cat's hat to make an appearance:

By Custom Cake Designs

I just noticed the cupcake is balancing on the fish's tail! Ha! Love it.

And now, two of everyone's favorite Things:

Via Twinkies630 and made by The Dessert Cart

Wow, these guys break EVERYTHING - including the laws of gravity. [bah-dum-CHA!]

Let's take a closer look:

D'awwww, so sweet! And I'll never get tired of that Seussian line shading, like on the ladder and bow. It just makes the leap from 2D to 3D so beautifully.

Ever wonder what flavor of cake you'd use for green eggs and ham?

By Bird's Nest Bakery

I have. I'm thinking pear cake with cinnamon buttercream -  but only because Noemi up there mentioned that's what her Lorax cake was, and now I reeeeally want to try it. I'd also like to take a huge chomp out of that fork handle, because it looks like a giant Tootsie Roll. And maybe I'm a little hungry. (WHAT.)

Hang on, we haven't actually seen The Cat in the Hat yet, have we?

No problem-o, I can fix that:

By Ashley Gay

 More perfect cookies! Lemme tell you guys, I could stare at cookies like this all day. The pillowy poofiness of that icing is just sooo cool - and I kind of want to pet it. Is that weird? Yes? Then I mean, uh, I want to LICK it. There. All better.

I was about to confess that I haven't seen or read The Lorax, but I think I can bluff my way through this next one Ok. Here goes...

By Three Little Blackbirds

WOW THIS IS AN AWESOME LORAX CAKE.

My favorite parts are the little pulley and those shingles. They look kind of like caramels, right? MMMM.

I think we need some more colorful counting fish in here:

By Cakebox Special Occasion Cakes

This is such a great theme for a baby shower! And get this: those "ribbons" wrapping the cake are actually hand-crafted fondant and icing. WOW.

Oooh, and here come the Sneetches!

By Fondant Flinger

Topsy-turvy cakes were just MADE for Seuss themes. Also, "Fondant Flinger" is the name of my Cake cover band. (BWAHAHAAHA!!)(That was only funny to me, wasn't it?)

Well, let's wrap up this delightful romp with a Sweet combination of all of Dr. Seuss' most popular creations:

Submitted by Kel D., made by Delicious Desserts

 I even spy the Grinch in there!

Happy Sunday!

*****

P.S. If you work with kids or kids at heart, these make great prizes or party favors:

Dr. Seuss Mini Memo Pads, 48 pk

The 48-pack has 6 different designs, comes in this cute display, and costs under $18. This would be especially cute for teachers!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

And then the other person being all, "Then why did you write 'Au Caps' on my cake when I asked for it in all caps??"

As you can see, that was not the case.

[sound of pin dropping]

Ahem.

Granted, 99.99% of the time it's "Happy Birthday," but no no, bakers, I'm SURE that's right:

So Hill Birthday, Jill. HILL BIRTHDAY.

For an office retirement party Davis asked the baker to write all the retiree names around the cake randomly:

"No, YOU'RE out of order!!"

Fortunately Davis tells me they were still able to "enjou" the cake.

And lastly, my new favorite cake puzzle! Let's see if you can decipher what it was supposed to say:

What, haven't had your coffee yet?

Ok, I'll give you a hint: After all these years, this baker's days are numbered.

Answer way at the bottom!

Thanks to Leigh B., Jill H., Davis, & Cindy J. for the brain teaser.

*****

P.S. Here's a (hilarious) reminder that English is almost as confusing as these cakes:

P Is for Pterodactyl: The Worst Alphabet Book Ever
*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Give up? “Zoly” was supposed to say 2014. Ha!

Do unnecessary quotation marks make your eye twitch? 

Have you ever left a comment on a friend's Facebook status explaining why it's "couldn't care less," not "could care less?" 

Do you fix the spelling mistakes in other people's tweets before retweeting them?

Are you required by forces beyond your control to whip out a pen and correct misspelled store signage?

Must...cross out...apostrophe...

 (And then...fix...capitals...)

(And then...add...exclamation marks...) 

And finally, do you not only know what the Oxford comma is, but have a passionate stance on its usage? 

If the answer to any of those is yes then you, my friend, are a fellow grammar geek. And today is our day. That's right; it's National Grammar Day! WAHOO!

Finally - FINALLY - we can pick apart spelling and grammar errors without fear of judgment from the text-speak-writing language butchers who keep "loosing" their minds! Today we are NOT the nit-picking jerks of the comment section; today we are HEROES. HEROES, I SAY!! 

AHAHAHAHAAA!! 

So let's get right to it:

Ah, yes. [pushing up glasses] You see, "whose" is an interrogative possessive pronoun, while "who's" is the contraction for "who is." In this context, someone is apparently asking for the identity of the owner of something euphemistically known as "40."

Haha! Isn't that a SCREAM?!

I honestly don't know why I'm not invited to more parties, you guys.

Maybe I should have started with something a little more common, though:

Now, see, there's an easy way to avoid this situation in the future: 

Condoms.

And remember, it's "I before E except after C and when you're trying to write the word 'having.'"

Also those little dots are called an ellipsis, and there should only be three of them.

YES I REALLY AM THAT PERSON. 

Not to mention the way that's written makes it look like someone is "haveing" a weird scrolly symbol. (Maybe the artist formerly known as Prince invented a new species?)

Hey, do you guys watch Sherlock? 

What am I saying? You read this blog and therefore have EXCELLENT taste in entertainment, so of course you watch Sherlock.

Anyway, remember the beginning of that episode where Holmes is interviewing a murderer, and he keeps correcting the thug's grammar?

That was awesome.

Now where was I?

Ah yes, the importance of punctuation and discerning between "will" and "we'll."

It also appears this person isn't entirely certain that Dee Dee will miss me, which is hard to believe. I mean, in case you haven't noticed, I AM DELIGHTFUL.

And finally, allow me to share a quick word on foreign punctuation marks:

Gesundheit.

Thanks to Mary F., Mab R., Catherine B., David S., Bella P., Todd, and Zoë P., who have always known I'm a pro-Oxford-comma kinda gal.

*****

P.S. I found you some cute pens for correcting random signage in the break room. (I know that's oddly specific, but I stand by it, because I know you people.)

Mushroom Ballpoint Pen Pack (30 ct)

'Schrooms! And you get 30 for only $14!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Here's your cake, enjoy! Just don't try to eat that thing. Or that one. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. 

...Or that.

...I remember there's a REASON bakers rely so heavily on flotsam and toys:

Nemo? More like Ne-NO, am I right? 

[Ba-dum-CHA!]

I... I think this is supposed to be Spider-Man:

Hold me.

Now, see, this would have been perfect if the customer had actually ASKED for a zombie-fied Spongebob:

As it is, I'm pretty sure little Levi needs therapy now.

This Darth Vader cookie is so ridiculously pathetic that I actually kind of love it:

(At least, I hope it's Vader. If not, then I'm never getting those thirty seconds of squinting back. Never EVER, you guys.)

Seriously, it's so bad I want to hug it. 

And I like how the baker just gave up on the other cookie cakes, like she was all, "YOU GET VADER OR YOU GET NOTHING."

And finally, let's end with a little mystery:

WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?

Please, you guys, I have to know.

It says "Where Kermet," so of course my first thought was Kermit the Frog. But it's blonde and has four eyes with a giant red clown nose. Or is the red thing its mouth? And why "Where Kermet?" Where Kermet what? Where he stores his wigs? Where he met his untimely demise? 

I went back to Holly J.'s original e-mail, seeking answers, and was delighted to find she'd included a few more angles of the mystery:

....

Well, THAT clears things ups, doesn't it? 0.o

 Hang on. Holly says she thinks this is... MISS PIGGY!? Really? I mean, I guess she must be right, but... How. HOW. How is this possible?

I will not rest until I have answers!

Or until I get tired. Or John gets back with our burritos.

But otherwise, TOTALLY NOT RESTING.

Thanks to Sabrina, Kristen O., Sean K., Patrice D., Tori S., & Holly J. for pointing out today's character flaws. We know it's only because you care, guys.

*****

P.S. Good news, there's a Volume 2!

Exceptionally Bad Dad Jokes, Vol II

This one has the word "spiffing" in the title AND comes with a lovely green-and-gold cover, so folks will recognize your sophisticated taste while begging you to stop telling these terrible, TERRIBLE jokes.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Any guesses on what EJ will be getting for her 12th birthday?

Correct me if I'm wrong, parents, but I think age one is a little young for boys to be discovering their bananas, IF you know what I mean.

And if you don't, just look at this:

Don't worry, George, all monkeys get curious eventually.

Things I'm Pretty Sure One-Year-Olds Like:
- Cheerful colors
- Cute animals
- Putting things in their mouths
- Pooping

Thing I'm Pretty Sure One-Year-Olds Do NOT Like:
- Guys with guns
- Who are shooting cute animals

This next one isn't a first birthday cake; it's a christening cake. So little John was, what? A couple of days old maybe? Right. SOMEONE GET THAT KID A GUINNESS.

Honestly I don't know what all is happening here, or what in that mess is considered edible. And I think I spied a tiny plastic poodle in a Santa hat in front of that tree stump with a face before my brain broke.

(ACTUAL CONVERSATION I JUST HAD WITH JOHN:

John: [seeing cake] "What is THAT? Hahaha! He must be Irish, huh?"
Me: "What?! That is a terrible stereotype! How dare you!"
John: "There's a pot of gold and a shamrock."
Me: [looking] "Oh. Right. Ok, maybe they're Irish.")

"But you look good for your age, Levi. Really. And hey, one is the new six months! I read it in Vogue!"

Something here just doesn't add up.

And finally...

Please let his last name be Johnson. Please let his last name be Johnson. PleaselethislastnamebeJohnson.

Thanks to Anita T., Amy N., Jill B., Amber, D'arcy, Vinny A., & Melissa M. for the memorable first impressions.

*****

P.S. Speaking of things that are dirty, I have to introduce you to the handiest little kitchen gadget for under $8:

Dishwasher "Dirty/Clean" Slider Bar

The whole thing is magnetic, and it also comes with a double-sided adhesive for non-metallic machines. Also comes in black, and there's a prettier cursive option if you don't like the bright red/green!

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

"My sister-in-law had a beach destination wedding in Mexico, and decided that she loved this sand castle cake:"

"Upon speaking with the baker, she explained that she understood that the baker may not be able to recreate the cake exactly, but would be happy with something similar. The baker insisted that she could make a cake as equally beautiful. They agreed that the cake would be 3 tiers, with the sand castle on the top. 

"On the wedding day, she instead got 3 separate tiers, each topped with its own version of a flesh colored sand castle:

That door and window are what really sell it.

"Luckily, the Bride and guests have a great sense of humor, so the Penis Cake was the hit of the reception."

To be fair, they could also be mushrooms. Really happy, attentive mushrooms. 

[insert "fun guy" joke here]

"My sister-in-law was disappointed, of course, but even she had to laugh."

Wow, talk about a good-natured bride! I'm totally sending this to the next newly-wed who e-mails me complaining that her cake's shade of cerulean was a little off. PERSPECTIVE.

Oh, and here's the real kicker: 

"After the reception, they discovered that the 'castles' were merely frosting covered Styrofoam, so this cake topper now has a place of honor in the loving couple's home."

 Bwahahaa! Now that's my kind of wedding memento!

Thanks to Marisa for letting me use an epic John Cleese pun for the title, even if I couldn't think of any more Fawlty Towers jokes to work into the post. You must excuse me; I'm from Barcelona. (Ok, so that's ONE.)

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

By Laura Stankis of JaCiva's

Please note: black tie required.

King Kong definitely got the memo; check out his tie and tux on this fun art-deco topper:

Ack! So cute. He's even color-coordinated with the cake's monogram:

By Gateaux Inc.

But as every Downtown Abbey fan knows, white tie is THE most formal of all evening wear, and to dress accordingly. You know, like this all-white wonder:

By We Bake In Heels

Just look at that painstakingly perfect piping!

Can polka-dots be elegant? You bet!

Submitted by Nicole S. & made by Sugar Bakers

It doesn't get more classic than black and white with red roses all over.

Hey, remember that time on Downton Abbey when Matthew was forced to wear a black tie to dinner, and everyone acted like he had just shambled in wearing a holey bathrobe and flip flops? Ha! So funny. (Um, this show is better than I'm making it sound, honest.)

By Sharon Wee Creations

Don't worry; I bet no one would ever mistake this beauty for a waiter.
(Mostly because that wouldn't make any sense, but still.)

Ok, back to more civil matters. Remember that time on Downton when that thing happened to that person, and everyone was, like, really shocked? (Jen says I'm not allowed to give any more spoilers, but YOU know what I mean.)

Well, I guess we can only hope the person who that thing happened to will come back later. You know, for a...cameo:

By Mina Bakalova

But not as a horse.
I guess we can only dream!

And while we're dreaming, imagine the look on Mr. Carson's face if Mrs. Patmore baked this stunning cake and hung it up in the dining room, chandelier-style!

Made by Gateaux for  Betty Crocker

That's right, this cake is actually hanging from the top, like a real chandelier. Or chandeTIER, as I like to say it. Cake joke! (I've never actually said that.)

But I do love the hexagon-shaped tiers of this next cake. Aren't the hand-painted doodles dreamy?
File this under 'fabulous!'

Sub'd by Kate K., made by Sweet & Saucy Shop

That's worthy of Lord and Lady Grantham's finest dinner party. I bet even Granny would approve.

Sorry. I'm totally done talking about Downton Abbey, I swear. Let's talk about this damask cake:

By Sugarland

Ain't no damasquerading, it's lovely!

And here's one last extravagantly fanciful cake to remind you to make the rest of your weekend an occasion. And maybe watch more reruns of Downton Abbey. Again.

Sub'd by Su-Anne & made by Cile Bellefleur Burbidge

WOW.

Also:
"What is a weekend?"
(Couldn't help it!)

Happy Sunday, everyone!

******

P.S. More pretties!

Sterling Silver Tulip Earrings

The purple ones are my favorite, love that color gradient.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Now, I know I feature a lot of wedding wrecks, and I know a lot of folks will point out that asking for a fondant design recreated in buttercream is asking for disaster, but don't you worry. I'm here to help. After all, this is what Leah D. ordered for HER wedding cake:

And look what she got!

It's the tinfoil-covered cookie sheet that really sells it.

Ok, yes, it's a wreck. BUT - did you notice how the inspiration cake was all buttercream, and the wreck itself is fondant? I'm just sayin'. It works both ways.

Now, don't you feel better?

No?

Ok, then how about what Susan A. ordered for her wedding? 

Not a great picture (you don't see mimeographs much these days), but I think you get the general idea.

 And here's what Susan got:

Granted, I'm not sure how this is supposed to make you feel better, but trust me, guys: the REST of us are feeling grrrrr-REAT. (John! Go make some popcorn! These are gettin' GOOD.)

Sara M. wanted her wedding cake to be a hunk a' hunk a' burnin' love:

The cake! The cake! The cake is on FI-YUR!

But instead, her cake just suffered from a mild burning sensation and performance issues:

Wah-WAAAAH.

(That was my attempt at a slide-rule trombone effect. I know: I'm a veritable foley artist with words.)

And finally, Elizabeth P. dreamed a dream of ribbon-wrapped sweetness for her big day:

...but ended up with something only a mummy could love:

Ouch. Uh...that's a wrap!

Thanks to all of today's brides and just remember, guys: wreck or Sweet, we're gonna need to see your wedding cake! (Oh, and we're all invited, right? RIGHT?!)

*****

P.S. When you don't have a cake to express yourself, there's always this:

(Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want To Be Here T-shirt)

Comes in lots more colors and also mens' styles at the link.

*****

And from my other blog Epbot:

Some guys and their wives
See only shame
See only sorrrrrow

But if they are wise
they know that wrecks
Are so much more, oh!

Lean on me
When you're stacked wrong!

And I'll be your end
I'll mock you WITH this song

For
It won't be lo-oo-ong
Until gravity

Makes sure that you're cleeean gone!

Please, don't tell the bride
If it's a wreck, it needs no intro

For
no one can tell; maybe she'll need
something sweet to throw!

Lean on me!
When you're stacked wrong

And I'll be your end
I'll mock you WITH this song

For
It won't be long
Until gravity

Makes sure that you're clean gone!

You just call on your mother
When you need a hand

These cakes need somebody to leeeean on!

I just might have a Pisa
That we never planned

These cakes need somebody to leeean on!

Just faaaalll free!
(If you need to end)
Faaaaallll free
Oh, wreck it, now!

Faa-AAA-aalll
free-ee-eeeeee!!

Thanks to Steve, Deanne M., James N., Rachel O., Jessica R., Carol Anne, Kat B., Richard B., Anony M., & Rebecca Z. for the wedding crash course.

[Get it? Instead of 'main course?' Eh? OH C'MON THAT WAS AWESOME.]

*****

P.S. Anyone want to bring vintage style pins back? Because this entire set of 7 lovelies is only $12:

7 Pc Women's Brooch Set

OooOOOooh. I think the owl is my favorite. And the peacock. And the dragonfly.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

And while you're at it, why not congratulate dad, too?

Of course, mom also did her part:

Whoah, whoah, whoah! TMI, Dad, TMI!

You could even illustrate the whole process with the aid of disturbing plant analogies:

Raise your hand if you're going to have nightmares about daisies sprouting Alien-style from your midsection tonight. Anyone? Anyone? Just me? Alrighty, then.

Granted, the process doesn't always start exactly the same way:

Thank goodness that cup is labeled. Otherwise, we'd have some concerned coffee drinkers on our hands right about now.

And what does all this love math equal?

(No, your eyes do not deceive you: that IS a Fetal Bite cookie in that there uterus cake. Excellent.)

And that brings us to the Big, Life-Changing Moment!

AAAAAAUUUGGGHHHH!!

Yep, I'm changed for life.

Casey D., Heidi D., Hillary M., Kristin J., Jess, Shari W., & Tiffany D., when you're ready to have "the talk" with your kids, feel free to come back here for visual aids.

*****

This book has over 2,000 5-star reviews and looks absolutely hysterical, definitely bookmark it for the new parents in your life:

How to Traumatize Your Children: 7 Proven Methods to Help You Screw Up Your Kids Deliberately and with Skill

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

Thanks to Ellen K., Kathryn E., Julie V., Louise H., Alexander O., Jessica D., and Lauren H. for today's self-confidence booster.

*****

P.S. My "related searches" kind of got away from me today, but I think you'll approve:

"Hiss" Punny Cats Parody T-Shirt

Lots more colors and shirt styles available at the link.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

And now...

10 Wildly Inappropriate Pick-Up Lines
for International Flirting Week

Looking for love this month? Then why not try baiting your love hook (ew) with cake?

Punny and to the point. Best of all: No horsing around!

Admittedly, this will only work for half of you.

If you don't have access to cake, you could always write up one of those cute "love coupons."

So many jokes, so many relatives reading this blog.
(Hi, Mom!)

Just remember to keep it clean.

Awwww YEAH. Good times, indeed.

Maybe you don't want your cake to do all the talking, though. Maybe you just want it to be more of a conversation starter. You know, like this:

"You down with it?" [eyebrow waggle]

"Who likes oysters?!"

"Welcome... TO THE GUN SHOW."

Or if you really want to impress, try a quick serenade:

[singing]

"Oh let me be... YOUR TEDDY BEAR."

Mrowr.

And as a last resort, remember: sometimes bribery can work wonders.

"FREE MUSTACHE RI.. [noticing children in the room]... er ... slices!"

"And hey, just so you know: I come with free balloons."

o.0

Clean-up on aisle MY MIND, please. [shudder]

Thanks to Allison H., Cortney K., Michelle M., JM, Lauren E., Johnny D., Rosebud, Lara K., Lauren G., & Cat for the pick-me-ups.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

By Yummy Cupcakes and Cakes

Less harsh than black, more ketchup-friendly than white, it's everywhere in the worlds of fashion, saucy literature, and decor. And of course...

By Wild Orchid Bakery

...Cake! This one combines two hot and happening trends: gray and ombre. Plus polka-dots, which will never go out of style.

Let's hope gray doesn't, either, because pretty much my entire house is painted gray. Some people might think that sounds depressing, but just look at this cake:

By Charm City Cakes West  Inspired by Nevie-Pie Cakes

Depressing? I think not! Gray is the perfect backdrop for a pop of color, which I love, unlike the phrase "pop of color" which, ugh.

But don't worry, colorphobes, gray and white make a fine duo, too.

By Bee's Cake Design

Sophisticated, simple and sublime.

And just think how much detail would have been lost on this cake if it had been white instead of gray.

By Cotton and Crumbs

Would we have even noticed the lacy border? The delicate butterflies? Gray deserves an award for best supporting hue.

BUT! Gray ain't afraid to steal the spotlight.
"This girl belongs on a runway," was my first thought when I saw this cake.

By Karla

Then I learned that it was modeled after a Vera Wang gown, and I felt totally smart and stylish for a second. Then I looked down at my ensemble of mismatched sweats and slowly lowered my hands from their 'raise the roof' position.

But can I get a "holla" for these cakes?

By Erica OBrien

So sweet and modern at the same time. I just love gray and pink together, and that little cluster of roses in the center, too.

I'm also loving the color scheme on this cake. Freaking adorable. Seriously considering turning it into an accessory somehow.

By Bobbette and Belle

Cake hat? Cake purse? Cake belt buckle? I'll keep thinking.

And here's another one I just want to tear apart and wear!

By Three Little Blackbirds Cakes

Once again, gray adds texture and interest while letting the color shine. Gray: the nicest of neutrals.
That should be its official motto.

But why am I trying to convert you to the Church of Gray? You're probably already a card carrying member.

By Sugar Couture

And if you weren't before, you are now, because WOWZERS. And the little touches of metallics? Swoonballoons.

There is so much awesome happening on this cake, but I think the gray tier is still my favorite.

By Gateaux Inc.

I mean, it even matches the reception hall! 

And here's one last gray-hued beauty for our grand finale:

By Over the Top Cakes

Isn't it great how all the ribbon and fabric look like actual ribbon and fabric? Just amazing.

I sure hope you enjoyed today's gorgeous gray gateaux and that your Sunday is especially sweet!

******

P.S. I was browsing "gray whale" things to link today - because whales are awesome -but then this blue whale butter dish popped up and it's so stinkin' cute you get it instead:

Whale Ceramic Butter Dish

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

(My apologies in advance to Texas, cowboys, and poetry in general.)

Ahem hem hem.

swirling poo vortex
moistly encircles my horse

keep it off the boots.

******

There once was a rodeo clown
The best of the whole bunch, hands down.

A real Texas Star

He's sure to go far

If he'd just stop horsing aroun'.

*****

Dangle the Dog's show had to close
The problem? Right under his nose.
Since it's hard to erase
the things on his face...

Now he just does puppet shows.

****

Kill.
Kill, kill, kill
KILL!
Killllllllllll....

Kill kill.

*********

And for our grand finale, we'd like you to know that John wrote the next one. That's right, JOHN DID IT. So it's not my or Sharyn's fault. We're just saying.

Take it away, John!

Once upon a morning dreary, while I sat there, drinking beery,
Thinkin' 'bout this girl I'd ogled at the game the night before.
How we went back to her trailer, thinkin' I was gonna... uh, regale her
Shame she fell into the baler, just below the hayloft door.
"Geez Louise!" I screamed in terror as her bits lay on the floor.
"Now she's boobs... and nothing more!"

Thanks to Jodee R., Erica D., Tug T., Samantha R., Kristen, Emily S., & Willow M. for helping John get that off his chest.

*****

P.S. I see you appreciate poetry. Might I recommend...?

I Could Pee On This, And Other Poems By Cats

This hardcover gift book costs less than $10 and will have your friends feline fine.

*****

And from my other blog, Epbot:

We all live in fear of an embarrassing photo popping up on Facebook, but it turns out there's an even WORSE place for those best-forgotten candids to turn up:

Your birthday cake.

(And, ok, yeah -  then on an internationally-known blog about bad cakes, but still.)

I used to think edible photos were the worst invention since the Steering Wheel Desk, but that was before I realized their true purpose:

Humiliating drunk guys who take their clothes off.

 Yep, edible images are the best thing to happen to passive-aggression since the Post-It note. How else can you get back at the guy who showed up early, drank all the Zima, and then passed out in your mom's favorite arm chair and peed himself?

Remember, revenge is a dish best served iced - and there is a lot of icing...IN CAKE.

I would comment on the misspellings, but it's hard to concentrate with big nipples staring you in the face.

Which I guess explains why employers block so much of the Internet at work, huh? 

(HEYO.)

 Of course, not all guys need alcohol to get a little frisky in front of the camera:

Must. Not. Make. "Horny." Joke...

And once you hit your ninety-something-th birthday, I know exactly what you want to see:

Not bad, not bad...but can we get some kind of a wild cat in here? And maybe a mullet?

Purrrfect.

I feel like we're straying off the drunken path, though. See, what we *really* need is something with a clown wig, a little Crisco, and a HUGE...

...oh. Rats.

Ok, never mind.

Thanks to Angie B., Kimberly E., Julie C., Christy M., Stacey H., Sarah T., Katherine M. & Aaron for the full Monte Crisco. It was delicious.

******

And from my other blog, Epbot: