Check out my tiara but excuse the sucky quality of the video because my web cam sux.

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Poor little Teenie. She just doesn’t understand why I’m so tired or sick because I haven’t told her that I have cancer yet. No, I still haven’t told her. When I look into those big, brown, puppy dog eyes of hers I melt.

I just don’t have the heart to cause her any pain or disappointment. Teenie is my little soul mate. That child is 100% me but a little more twisted and a lot more kinder.

Then there is Cam. That poor child still remembers when what life was like when Dude and I separated when she was four. Never underestimate the impact something like that has on a child that young.

She’s an old soul though…wise beyond her years, keeps it real. Maybe she’s learned from the best on reality. When I look into those beautiful green cat-eyes I don’t have the heart to tell her I’m sick but I know she knows. I’m just keeping the truth from her.

Dude wants to wait until we have the results of the biopsy. I’m of the thought that cancer is cancer and the biopsy doesn’t change too much. I feel like we are just delaying the inevitable. Either way I pray that they have the strength to handle it.

I could know as early as today what the results are. It’s cancer, what more is there to know??? Duh. I’m not sure why we need to rub more salt in my wounds. Perhaps I’m missing the point. I guess they need to know how to treat it.

I have the feeling I’ll have to go back for another biopsy anyway because they like forgot to do my, uh, liver. Yes, that’s what I was primarily there for. I asked and they told me it wasn’t on their orders. Cheese on crackers, WTF?

An aside…bracelets? I usually make them on the weekends but if I can pull an ounce of energy out of my body during the week I’ll make some during the week.  I have to remember there is no “S” on my chest and I’m not wearing a cape.  I forget that very often…

Thanks for helping me out so quickly…they sold out in an hour!!! More to come!

Now I need to find some energy. God, where is it going??? I take a multivitamin. Are there any “super foods” that would give me energy?  I feel like I’m going to fall asleep and I just got a full night of sleep.

Uh, a cup of coffee and a shower do a multitude of good…duh.  I feel much better now however I’d still love to know if you recommend any type of energy boosters!

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Yesterday I wrote a post about the fact that I’m missing a day of work today and I’m not getting paid. On top of not getting paid I have a $150 co-pay for todays procedure. Talk about getting double bitch-slapped.

In light of that I thought I’d show you some of my Ovarian Cancer Awareness Bracelets that I’ve made…I’m always making jewelry. The first five are all made from glass beads with silver-plated toggle clasps. The ovarian teal awareness ribbon beads are also glass. Each bracelet is around 7″ long.

If you would like the exact measurements just email me at lisaclusterfook at gmail.com.

These bracelets are $20 each, $2 for shipping and handling, and are for sale through PayPal.

Click on the thumbnail to view a bigger picture of each bracelet. Enjoy!

Bracelet #1 SOLD

Bracelet #2

Bracelet #3 SOLD

Bracelet #4 SOLD

Bracelet #5 SOLD

Bracelet #6 SOLD

The last bracelet is made from Swavorski crystals, sterling silver beads, sterling silver toggle and a sterling silver awareness ribbon. This bracelet is $35, $2 for shipping and handling, also for sale through PayPal.

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Today I’m having a biopsy done of the tumors in my abdomen and the tumors in my liver. Now we get down to the nitty gritty of what’s going on. I’m thrilled and excited, aren’t you?

Actually I wish we didn’t have to do it at all. Whenever you take a needle and poke a tumor with it there’s a risk that you are going to release some cells…which could make this nasty disease spread to other organs.  That’s the easiest way I can break it down without getting all medical and scientific.

I don’t like to get all medical and scientific…

Why do I call it a bionic biopsy? Lack of sleep for one. I’m so sleep deprived it’s silly. I’m afraid I’ll miss something. I’m also afraid that if I go to sleep I won’t wake up. Now isn’t that silly?

The biopsy is also dubbed “bionic” because it’s being performed by the doctor with mad skills, poor bedside manner…the one who said 10 times, “this is complicated, very, very complicated.”  Looking back I wish I would have given him a snarky retort.  I guess I was in shock so I’ll do better next time.

The bionic biopsy is an outpatient procedure that will be performed at 9:30 am EST…send good vibes my way.

With any luck I’ll be home by noon and napping…

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I have some Ovarian Cancer Awareness Bracelets…is anyone interested in seeing them?

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Edit:  Please read the quote! 

In the past 48 hours I’ve been incredibly stressed out over some deep shit and drama that’s been going on in the blogging community. I haven’t slept which is adding to the sleep deprivation I have from the news I got last week. You know…that I have cancer for the third time?

I’m pissed. No, I fucking angry and it’s time for me to open my mouth here because no one seems to be listening to me. It seems that there is a lack of respect for my request to stop the hatred and I’ve had it, absolutely had enough of it.

In fact I think that it’s pathetic I have to address this. God, I’M PISSED!

You know, I’ve got cancer and I’m realistic about my situation. What I want and what’s real may be two different things. I want to kick it’s ass. That may not happen no matter what I do. That’s real.

What’s real are my two daughters, Cam and Teenie. Since 2004 they have lived with cancer. They were ages seven and four. Seven and four. After I recovered from cancer their grandmother, Dude’s mom, got cancer four months later. They watched her suffer…and I mean suffer…until she died a year later.

Cam and Teenie watched my health decline after they lost their Mom-Mom and then I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer again in February 2007. There was no family vacation last summer. They spent every day visiting the hospital. That was their family vacation.

In the fall of 2007 my children had to deal with cancer again when their grandmother, my mother, was diagnosed with uterine cancer.

And here we are in 2008…I have cancer again.

These two children have not a family vacation with Dude and I since we went to Disney World in November 2004…just a week after I was diagnosed with cancer the first time. Dude’s mom took our entire family…thirteen of us. My dream was for the four of us to go.

We have never, never, ever had a family vacation with just the four of us…just Dude, Cam, Teenie and I. We don’t have the financial means to do it either. It’s just not an option.

I can’t afford to miss a week of work even though my take home pay is only $378.00 a week. Pathetic for a college graduate I know however that’s what happens when you’ve had cancer and been ill. I work as a temp so there is no vacation time. There’s no disability time either. Once I’m incapacitated there’s no more income.

So, why am I pissed?

Well, when Miss Ann decided to put together a raffle with an afghan she had no idea that things would snowball. Other people started adding prizes. People started adding banners to their sites. Things grew quickly and then the finger pointing started.

Drama ensued. There were other people who decided she wasn’t trustworthy and called her out publicly on their blogs. Someone else apparently got called a “flaky bi-polar bitch” and now she’s turned things into a drama.

I’ve got news for you people, I’ve had bi-polar disorder since I was 17. I’m fully functional and take medication. It’s an illness, just like cancer, not a personality defect. STOP IT!

I’ve reached the point where I’m ready to ask Miss Ann to return all funds to everyone who donated because I’m so upset. I didn’t ask for the drama. I hate it, it has me sick to my stomach…physically sick to my stomach and I just can’t take it.

The sad thing is that it costs a lot of money to go to Disney. I’ve been pricing trips all morning and since we are going on such short notice it’s probably going to cost us more than $3,000. Plus I have to equate my loss of salary for a week…$378.00 and the cost of food for four people while we are down there.

I don’t want to put up my own donate button because it wasn’t my idea. Is that what you want me to do?

What are you all gaining with the drama? Did you consider the impact on me? Did you consider what I’m already dealing with? Did you think about how hard it is for me to keep it together right now? Do you understand that I’m trying to stay as positive as possible and this doesn’t help?

Look at these faces…I forced them to put Mini Mouse ears on. See, how thrilled they were sarcasm. Give me the chance to make them wear these on an entire plane trip from Philadelphia to Orlando. I’m sure at ages 11 and 8 it wouldn’t be as embarrassing.

So, to those of you who keep turning this into a cat fight I’m begging you to stop. You are stressing me out. All I want to do is fight this battle against cancer with a positive attitude. Let there be a lesson in why I have this for the third time…that is has brought together an entire community of bloggers doing something good. Don’t let my fight be in vain.

And please, let me take those two beautiful children to Disney World one last time before it’s too late.

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Peace

Thanks Hilly

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First of all, I feel like I owe you an apology. It’s not like me not to respond to each and every comment left here. Because you took the time to share your thoughts with me I really want and believe me, have something to share with you. It’s that I’m emotionally exhausted at the moment. I hope that you can understand and will continue to offer your support.

It looks like your kindness and generosity are going to send my beautiful daughters to Disney World. I have no idea what exactly is happening but there are a lot of people working together to make a dream come true. I haven’t said anything to Cam or Teenie yet.

In fact, I haven’t even told them I have cancer again.

They are aware that I’m sick and they know I’m going to a number of doctor’s appointments. I may be very brave in my fight against cancer but heart broken that I have to tell those two wonderful little girls that I’m sick again. When I think about all of the things they’ve missed out on in their lives because I’ve had cancer…I start to sob.

Like now.

I don’t lie to my children when they ask me questions because I keep it real. I know what they are going to ask me…”Mommy, are you going to die?”

The truth is…I don’t know. This time…I don’t know. It’s complicated. I don’t want to die. I want to fight and I’m going to fight. I am determined to win…kick ass and survive…but I can’t tell my children with any type of certainty that I’m going to be just fine.

As a parent I’ve never been put in this position. As a child I’ve never had to deal with such a situation. I’m at a loss.

They are silly, happy girls…just last night Cam and Teen were singing the most ridiculous song…

I’m a Kung…fu…shrimp…I’m-a-naked-shrimp….

I was like WTF???

I’m a Kung…fu…shrimp…I’m-a-naked-shrimp….

In between verses I heard roars of laughter and then they sang it in another key. A minor I believe.

I’m a Kung…fu…shrimp…I’m-a-naked-shrimp….

After I heard it about 10 times I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs…”SHUT UP!!!!” but I couldn’t. I have to revel in their silliness because soon their worlds are going to be shattered with bad news.

Instead I showed them some dance moves doing my best Bruce Lee impression singing…

I’m a Kung…fu…shrimp…I’m-a-naked-shrimp….

So, we will all enjoy this last weekend of normalcy. Tonight I’m going out with my best friend to see Sonny Landreth at the Sellersville Theater. I’ve never seen Sonny play solo but only when he was with John Hiatt (who I adore!) and the Goners.

Tomorrow Dude and I will take Cam out for her free birthday breakfast at IHOP where I will watch them eat pancakes. Then we’ill go see the matinée show of Nim’s Island.

Sunday evening I’ll be seeing the Rolling Stones Shine A Light with my best friend.

Monday morning I’ll go for a biopsy. We will know next week exactly how bad the situation is but for now I say…fuck it. Let’s have fun this weekend. Let’s forget all the drama that’s going on in the world and have a good weekend.

This is the first weekend in weeks that I’m taking my sick ass out. Hell, I might even sneak up to the Coach Outlet and spend my $100 gift certificate on a new spring bag.

When I get a spare $20 I’m getting this hat.

So, I hope you don’t have the ridiculous…

I’m a Kung…fu…shrimp…I’m-a-naked-shrimp….

…in your head now. If you do, good, because it’s stuck in mine. While you are singing Kung Fu Shrimp, what are your plans? Anyone playing Guitar Hero III? I seriously need some practice.

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Awestruck is a good word to describe how I feel about what I see happening in the blogging community. People whose paths would never cross otherwise have come together for one cause and I find that amazing. I don’t have words to describe how I’m feeling.

I wanted to recognize every blog that had a link to Miss Ann’s effort but there are so many now I can’t keep up. I’ve been trying to come by and thank all of you for helping but again, I just can’t keep up. You have my deepest, sincerest gratitude. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Now I wish I could share good news with you but those of you who have read my blog for a long time know…I tell it like it is. Those of you who are new should know you will always get the truth, good, bad or ugly. Sometimes life isn’t always puppies, sunshine and rainbows.

Always count on one thing though, I always seem to land out on top of the most diverse situations.

My husband and I met with the oncologist yesterday. He specializes in gynecological cancers like ovarian cancer. He was in total dismay that the cancer center I went to last year did not suggest chemotherapy. He could not believe they never contacted me, not even by letter, to follow up. The doctor asked repeatedly, “They never contacted you? They never suggested chemotherapy???”

The doctor was also surprised no one suggest chemotherapy and that there was no consultation with an oncologist while I was hospitalized for four months last year. I never gave it any thought until he mentioned it. He asked the same questions repeatedly, “No one suggested chemotherapy?” No one??”

That’s when I realized I was fucked.

He told me what I already knew but he repeated it 10 times.

“This is very, very complicated.”

It turns out that I have tumors on my liver and abdomen. This is an aggressive cancer that seems to be spreading fast. I’m inoperable although my only hope may be that Johns Hopkins is the only hospital on the East Coast that may be willing to try surgery to “debulk” the tumor in my abdomen but it’s very risky.

Using chemotherapy at this stage in the game may or may not produce good results.

So I’m on a roller coaster.

One minute I’m like, “I’m gonna die…ahhhhhhhhhh!”

The next minute I’m like, “Oh no fucking way, I’m kickin’ ass…I’ve got things to do people!”

And then I have moments of inner peace and feel that it is what it is.

People beat odds all of the time. My daughter beat every odd against her. She was 15 ounces at birth…15 ounces.

The next time you are in the Dairy Isle of your supermarket pick up the Land O’ Lakes butter. Feel the weight in the palm of your hand. My 11 year old daughter weighed less than that butter the day she was born on April 1, 2007 1997.

She dropped to 13.8 ounces on April 3, 2007 1997.

Edit: Take notice of the dates…I don’t can’t get the year my child was born right.

They told us she had a 5% chance of living and that if she in fact did live…she’d be mentally retarded and have cerebral palsy. They also told us she’d have a multitude of other medical difficulties. For ten weeks I sat by a warming bed while a ventilator kept her breathing not knowing if she would live, not knowing what kind of life she would have if she did survive.

She defied every single odd thrown against her. She survived. Today she’s healthy, smart, in fifth grade and gets A’s in school.

She’s a survivor…and so am I.

If I’m going to survive I’m going to have to make some changes. I have to be willing to go to any lengths. I have to ask myself…am I willing to do that? Can I at least make one change today? What will it be?

Junk food. Out with the crappy, fatty, shitty, processed foods that are pure junk…all of them. I mean every single one of them…even cream in my coffee. My body needs, no deserves the purest foods and nutrients it can get, right?

So, this isn’t the greatest news and I have once again left you feeling like you don’t know what to say. This is what I’d love for you to consider…consider a change. What’s one thing you could change about your life today that would make it better? No matter how big or small…what is it?

The comments today are all about change…

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On Tuesday I spent about five hours on the phone trying to find a doctor who was willing to take me on because I’m a complicated case. There’s a surprise, me, complicated. With the debacle last year there isn’t a doctor in Philadelphia willing to see me. No one wants to step on the world renowned cancer centers toes. No one wants to get involved.

Everyone was willing to look at my MRI results and tell me I need chemotherapy. “Get chemo someplace local.” O.K. and? That was it. No consult, nothing else.

Thank you Pennsylvania, thank you malpractice insurance. Now I’ll probably need to go out of state. Something I just can’t afford to do with the price of gas or hotels. Johns Hopkins is one of the top hospitals in the world if you have ovarian cancer and I’m about two and a half hours away but financially…I just can’t do it.

I finally found some local doctor to see me after I begged, pleaded and cried for an appointment. I know that this hospital isn’t cutting edge in any way and the care is sub par but I’m desperate. How fucking sad is it that I had to beg for a doctor to see me?

Edit: After a late night phone call and a few hours of sleep…

I feel some relief after speaking to my cousin, the doctor. I’m thanking God for him right now because he knows the Philadelphia medical community. He also knows the doctor I’m seeing today…and worked with him at one of the big Philadelphia hospitals in his earlier years.

The doctor I’m seeing today has great “technical skills” according to my cousin…his bedside manner just sucks. That’s fine as long as he listens to me and treats me effectively.

I spoke to my cousin about going to one of the big research hospitals like Johns Hopkins and he said there’s no need to go to one of them unless experimental treatment is necessary. He said, “Lisa, we aren’t there…yet.”

Let’s hope we never get there.

So in nine four hours I’ll hear what this local doctor has to say about my fate but ultimately it’s not in his hands. Ah, I went to bed feeling like the doctor has all the power. Not so much. I have a say in how I get treated.

The Big Guy Upstairs (a.k.a. God) has already determined my fate…

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