Daily Laughs

DAILY LAUGHS - Screw

2010-07-10T07:00:00.003+08:00

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DAILY LAUGHS - Dear Dad

2010-07-08T07:00:00.001+08:00

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad" With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and mum. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love your son, John.

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
courtesy of jokediary.com

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DAILY LAUGHS - Only in the...Around the World (Funny video)

2010-07-06T22:00:00.000+08:00

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DAILY LAUGHS - Hey Dude

2010-07-04T08:00:00.000+08:00

courtesy of dribbleglass.com

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DAILY LAUGHS - Married Life in a Bowl

2010-07-02T22:00:00.000+08:00

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DAILY LAUGHS - Clean Rabbit

2010-07-01T22:00:00.000+08:00

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"

The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

courtesy of jokediary.com

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DAILY LAUGHS #126- Really Funny Stuff

2010-05-29T16:00:00.000+08:00

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DAILY LAUGHS #125- Partners

2010-05-26T16:00:00.000+08:00

courtesy of dribbleglass.com

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DAILY LAUGHS #124- Short Conversations

2010-05-23T16:00:00.000+08:00

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly. What do u think, Peter?

Peter : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.

Peter : Mom, does God use our bathroom?

Mother : No, Peter. Why?

Peter : Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells, “Oh god, are you still there?”

Customer : How much is that tie?

Salesman : Forty dollars.

Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.

Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck.

Jimmy : Mom, can I have two pieces of cake?

Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me?

Man : By cheque, money order or cash.

Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.

Lily : So what do you do?

Sam : I close my eyes.

Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?

Pupil : No, Sir. They haven’t finished the water I gave them last week.

Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?

Son : Well, it’s a sponge cake, isn’t it?

Man : I’m new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?

Little boy : I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.

Man : Why should I pay you so much?

Little boy : Because bank directors are always highly paid.

reposted from jokediary.com

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DAILY LAUGHS #123- Boy-Girl Conversations

2010-05-20T16:00:00.000+08:00

BOY : Since we met, I can’t eat or drink…

GIRL : Why not ??

BOY : I’m broke.

GIRL : Did you miss me while I was away??

BOY : Were you away??

GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??

BOY : What time was it??

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!

BOY : You love me…

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest..

BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple..

GIRL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed, I couldn’t speak for an hour..

BOY : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life…

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..

BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!

GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!

GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

GIRL : You remind me of the sea.

BOY : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?

GIRL : NO, because you make me sick.

reposted from jokediary.com

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DAILY LAUGHS #122- Proud Sponsor

2010-05-17T16:00:00.000+08:00

courtesy of dribbleglass.com

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DAILY LAUGHS #121- Bleeding Nose

2010-05-14T16:00:00.000+08:00

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down the local beer hall. One of them says, “You know Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick”. “How did You get it fixed?”

“Well I just dipped my finger in the cow’s vagina and rubbed it all over the bull’s nose and he got right up her”. Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow’s vagina and rubs it all around the bull’s nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and immediately gets it right up the cow.

Ben was impressed.

That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can’t get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife’s vagina and feeling that it’s nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on.

He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, “Honey look!” She rolls over, turns on the light and says, “You mean You woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that You have a Bleeding Nose?”

courtesy of jokediary.com

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DAILY LAUGHS #120- Helping Kids

2010-05-11T16:00:00.000+08:00

courtesy of dribbleglass.com

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DAILY LAUGHS #119- Politics Explained

2010-05-08T16:00:00.002+08:00

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

reposted from jokediary.com

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DAILY LAUGHS #118- God Will Help Me

2010-05-05T16:00:00.000+08:00

There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.

One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says “No, that’s ok. God will take care of me.” So, the man in the boat drives off.

The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, “No, that’s ok. God will take care of me.” The person in the boat then leaves.

The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her “That’s ok.” The woman says “Are you sure?” Jim says, “Yeah, I’m sure God will take care of me.

Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God “You told me you would take care of me!

What happened?”

God replied “Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?”

courtesy of jokediary.com

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DAILY LAUGHS #117- Dead?

2010-05-02T16:00:00.000+08:00

strangebreedcartoons.com

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DAILY LAUGHS #116- Belly Dancing

2010-04-29T16:00:00.000+08:00

courtesy of dribbleglass.com

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DAILY LAUGHS #115- Nurse Nancy

2010-04-26T16:00:00.000+08:00

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. “She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor. “She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!”

The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”

Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. “Omigod!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”

reposted from jokediary.com

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DAILY LAUGHS #114- Big Man in Small Town

2010-04-23T16:00:00.000+08:00

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. “No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. “I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”

The man replied, “I’m from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.”

reposted from jokediary.com

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DAILY LAUGHS #113- Training

2010-04-20T16:00:00.000+08:00

courtesy of dribbleglass.com

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DAILY LAUGHS #112- Pictures Taken at the Right Angle

2010-04-17T16:00:00.000+08:00

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DAILY LAUGHS #111- Got Cookie?

2010-04-14T16:00:00.000+08:00

strangebreedcartoons.com

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DAILY LAUGHS #110- Now

2010-04-11T16:00:00.000+08:00

courtesy of dribbleglass.com

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DAILY LAUGHS #109- Overturned Wagon

2010-04-08T16:00:00.001+08:00

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. “Hey, Willis,” he called out, “forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I’ll help you overturn the wagon.”

“That’s very nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Dad would like me to.”

“Aw, come on, son!” the farmer insisted.

“Well, OK,” the boy finally agreed, “but Dad won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad’s going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be silly!” said the neighbor. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon,” replied Willis.

courtesy of jokediary.com

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DAILY LAUGHS #108- You’ll Get Us Both Fired

2010-04-05T16:00:00.000+08:00

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoos most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that its a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lions cage.

Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, ‘Help, Help me!’, but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, ‘Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?’

courtesy of jokediary.com

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