Joe: There’s a NORTH Carolina now?

Eric: I know. so many Carolinas and Dakotas and Mexicos.

Joe: My least favorite Dakota– Fanning!

Eric: I prefer Dakota Skye. (NSFW!)

Joe: accessing…

Eric: I guess she’s “Kota” now.

Joe: Syllable successfully saved.

Eric: Da.

Joe: I did not know you spoke Russian.

Eric: Nyet.

Vodka.

Joe: This is such a witty banter. Someone should be reading this other than the NSA.

Eric: Let’s also tell the NSA that COMCAST CAN SUCK IT, GLAD THEY DON’T GET THEIR NEW TOY.

Did you watch all 13 hours of Daredevil yet? There’s a couple of NSA jokes in there, too. Also: many broken bones.

Joe: Dare? Devil? I know nothing of this…

Eric: You go open up the Netflixy. Search on the “Daredevil.” think kind thoughts about Ben Affleck. Then forget that movie hapeened.

Joe: That slave owning prick! Let Jennifer Garner go!

Eric: she can leave when she reaches level AT 07

(that’s “Affleck Trained”)

Joe: We should totally do this once or twice a week and then post it to FRM. Much quicker (and easier to edit) than audio. Podtexting?

Eric: Agreed!

BlogCasting?

Mouth-breathing!

All that said, while I acknowledge that airlines are easy targets these days…we should have a chat about customer service. Let's use my own experience as an example.

Take, for instance, yesterday, Sunday August 21st. I started my day leaving Reno. I dutifully checked my not-very-large suitcase when I got my boarding pass, and did not once complain that you charged me an extra $25 for the privilege of having my luggage accompany me in your cargo holds. I know airlines have it tough. Like I said, I'm lazy and don't want to drag the suit case through four airports and drop it on people's heads when I try to get it in the overhead.

So when the plane is not even boarding and the worker at the gate for flight 521 from Reno to Phoenix starts checking bags FOR FREE (because a computer told him there might not be room for them all), I'm a little pissed.

Fast forward several hours. It's 8:45pm Eastern, I'm in Philadelphia Airport, Concourse F, waiting for flight 3620 to Ithaca, NY, to board. Then it's 9pm. Then 9:10pm. Nothing. No one comes to the gate. No one changes the sign. A plane sits alone and forlorn at the end of the jetway.?? Frequent checks of the board in the terminal say that the flight is ON TIME. (Note the picture… even at 9:53pm, the flight scheduled to leave 23 minutes before was still supposedly ON TIME. Hows that for "checking my status"?)

I have technology however. About 9:11pm, I pulled out my iPhone, went to www.usairways.com and plugged in the flight number. CANCELLED.

I went to a ticket counter for another flight and was told, yes, the flight was cancelled due to air traffic congestion. "In Ithaca?" I asked, wondering if perhaps the tower was scared by a turkey vulture at the airport, circling and circling. "No, here in Philly," I was told.

When I pointed out the board still indicated the flight was on time, I was told "we don't control the board." Well who the hell does? Gremlins? This particular mantra is well rehearsed by the entire staff in Concourse F, so at least they're well trained in that respect.

I got on standby for an Elmira NY flight, but didn't make it. Syracuse flights were cancelled. I tried Binghamton: also full. When I asked if I could get some kind of voucher for a hotel stay at the very least, they said, "Oh we can't do that when weather is responsible."

So which is it, US Airways? Weather or traffic? Maybe you should try to get the lies consistent in the computer so your people on the ground don't have to make it up as they go.

She suggested I try to fly into Williamsport, PA, a location 123 miles from Ithaca.?? Seriously?

I finally found a Rochester NY flight with open seats. I was told it was cost me $100 to make a change to that flight, because it wasn't the same region or some bloody nonsense. Even though it's infinitely closer to Ithaca (and even Elmira). I'm happy to report that the charge was apparently not made–the one instance of good customer service I got from the airline all day.

Arriving in Rochester meant I had to get a ride from my girlfriend, who drove 96 miles to get me, then 96 miles back. I was nervous for her the entire way up because the weather must be horrible! On Judge Judy, I think that's called "mental anguish." Yeah, you caused that.

In the end, did I get home safe? Yes. Though I'm still waiting on my luggage.

So what do I want from you, US Airways? Since you haven't charged me the $25 yet for the baggage handling, I expect you won't. That's at the very least.

For all the other crap, a free flight somewhere or a first class upgrade on a future trip would also be welcome. But my expectations are low in that regard.

Here's what I really want: UPDATE YOUR SOFTWARE. Get your people on the same page. Make sure your hubs have a clue about what's going on. I was one of the first people in Terminal F to know my own flight was cancelled and only because I have a PHONE. That's inexcusable. To then get all sorts of baloney reasons for the cancellation thrown in my face does nothing to help. Maybe you should all try flying your own airline for $800 a pop, do it all day, and see how you feel when people look at you blankly and then read lies off a computer screen. It might make you think.

Yours truly,
Eric Griffith

[Warning: Where did the bad words touch you?]

Fun: Ass donuts. English accents. Peanuts (not pistachios). Community on NBC. iPad chi.

Crud: Musical sell outs. Verbal Ticks. Apple’s corporate douche baggery.

Links:
What the f is a tuffet?

Music courtesy of RoyaltyFreeMusic.com
Recorded over Skype using MP3 Skype Recorder.
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Rate us on iTunes. Leave a comment. Free your mind.

[Warning: Swearing in front of children.]

Game of Thrones (good):  Uncle Floyd. Ann Bah-Humbug Davis. Windows Phone 7 (really?). Skype totally worth 8 billion bucks. Brady Bunch  repeats. CCH Pounder. Louis C.K. Olivia Munn.

Crown of Thorns (crap): Skype outages. Skin tags. Turd-hu-en. Facebook addicts. Soylent Green vs. Enfamil. Cousin Oliver. TV Networks showing shows out of order.

Links:
Which Direction Should I Wipe? (Because it’s important to know.)
One-Man Show (New York Magazine article about Louis C.K.)

Music courtesy of RoyaltyFreeMusic.com
Recorded over Skype using MP3 Skype Recorder.
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Rate us on iTunes. Leave a comment. Share your vitriol and love and love for vitriol.

Also, lots of baby noises. Some not from Joe and Eric.

When we say “tunic,” by the way, we mean “loincloth.” We am not smarts.

 [Warning: Even we are shocked at our language. SHOCKED.]

Loverly Stuff:  Uh…. we got nothing. Everything sucks.

Hateful Things: NYTimes paywall stupidity/cost; comment anonymity. I Am Number Four.

Music courtesy of RoyaltyFreeMusic.com
Recorded over Skype using MP3 Skype Recorder.
Subscribe to Facts are Meaningless via RSS!
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Rate us on iTunes. Leave a comment. Be an anonymous troll if you want. We’re desperate.

Things worth caring about: Corn on the cob. Paul McCartney. Sid & Marty Krofft shows like Lidsville.

Things worth punching in the face: Facebook algorithms. Facebook taking over the Web. Charlie Sheen. Playing devil’s advocate. Gabrielle Anwar’s dietician.

LINKS!

Music courtesy of RoyaltyFreeMusic.com
Recorded over Skype using MP3 Skype Recorder.
Subscribe to Facts are Meaningless via RSS!
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Rate us on iTunes. Leave a comment. Flowers in the Dirt rules. 

[Warning: We swear by swears.]

It’s been almost three months since we put up a podcast, but we’re back…meaner and stupider than ever.

Things we likey: Trying to get on Jeopardy. Shaved Trebek. Non-pushy-religions.

Things we welcome: Our future robot/computer overlords.

Things we hatey: Abusive cults. Rivers of vomited poo. Baby reflux. SEO gaming.

LINKS!
Paul Haggis vs. The Church of Scientology (plus: The New Yorker’s Scientology Article, Lawyer Bits Only) (plus: BoingBoing post)
Computer Contestant Dominates Top Humans In Jeopardy
JC Penney Fires Back at Google and New York Times Over SEO Controversy
And for all our complaining about the market for Watson, it turns out that IBM will work with Nuance to improve Watson to work in healthcare. Imagine that episode of House, MD.

Music courtesy of RoyaltyFreeMusic.com
Recorded over Skype using MP3 Skype Recorder.
Subscribe to Facts are Meaningless via RSS!
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Rate us on iTunes. Leave a comment. Gort! Klaatu barada nikto.

Merry Goddamn Xmas, from Eric and Joe!