There is no more painful a subject of conversation on my calls than what to do with the emotionally unavailable man. The man who is so incapable of feeling his own feelings - let alone empathizing with yours - that he feels like some walled off robot acting on some computer coding deeply embedded in him.

"How can he DO that?" you say.

We will ALWAYS be attracted to this man.

He promises so much hope, so much potential. So much love.

If only we can crack his code.

The reality is, we can't. And even more importantly, even if we could, that reward that seems so close - if we just crack that code we can have that life with him we've always wanted! - is actually never any closer to being realized than when we first started falling for this guy.

Because he can't let his guard down that much for too long.

So what's the answer? What do we actually DO with this type of man?

The only thing that ever works. You find yourself even in the midst of accepting your cravings for him. You accept the attraction you will ALWAYS have for this type of man! And you understand why that makes him so dangerous to YOU because of what he takes away from you with your time, energy, and focus so fixed on fixing him!

This is an addiction to this type of man, an addiction to this type of hope believing that it's ON YOU to bring this guy around! We've been doing this through years of repeated intergenerational trauma, trying to do what the women before us couldn't do, trying to make some guy love us or change for us because we've been given our own programming that a GOOD woman, a DESIRABLE woman, a woman of any WORTH, would be able to BE that woman who cracks the code and changes an emotionally broken man like this.

We have to accept where this is coming from. These are lies we've been told.

We have to resist accepting this challenge that's nothing more than a guy's code for I don't have to change, I'm alright just the way I am, there will always be another woman throwing herself at me because she thinks she can 'help' me and I can stay just the way I am. It maintains the incredibly threatened status quo.

We will always be attracted to the misunderstood broken boy. We will always find his type a challenge to measure our worth on.

And we will always fail and blame it on ourselves for not being good enough to reach him.

Recognize this, accept it, and then lay down the challenge once and for all to do this ever again.

We don't change men like this. Tragically, in the worst ways possible, until we no longer recognize who we used to be, we only end up changing ourselves.

And that is what makes this so dangerous.

I get to drive the way I like.

I get to laugh at the things I find funny.

I get to love the things I love.

I get to choose me over someone else.

I get to choose what to do about something I need to deal with.

And I get to be wrong about it, to change my mind, to do it different next time.

I get to back out, say no, disappoint someone, throw a wrench in their plans if I realize I should never have agreed to it in the first place.

I get to be silly.

I get to be right.

I get to be wrong.

I get to not act my age.

I get to not know who I am some days.

I get to know exactly who I am on other days.

I get to cry.

I get to miss things.

I get to grieve, I get to mourn.

I get to eat what I want.

I get to shave my legs or forget and not care.

I get to wear a swimsuit and it doesn't have to look amazing on me.

I can just swim in it.

I can change from who I used to be.

I can become something entirely different from what someone remembers about me.

I can talk too loud.

I can be completely inappropriate.

I can think you're someone else ... and not be embarrassed if I'm wrong.

I can reminisce about being young again.

I can bawl at a sad movie.

I can still want to change the world in spite of how many people might think that idea is unrealistic and crazy.

I can think in my own way even if it's not your way.

I can be different from you and still be me.

I get to be me.

I get a ton of emails but sometimes there are ones that cut right through to my heart. This one was one of them.

I read it through twice and caught my breath. How many times had I whispered exactly the same thing? How many women do I talk to who ask me the same thing?

Jane, she began, I wanted to see if I might have one (or any) email consults left with you or if not can I please buy one?

I have recently found out I'm likely on the spectrum which explains a few things but I'm really struggling with my family dynamics and feel a bit like I'm too messed up to even be friends with anyone let alone be in a relationship (which I've pretty much given up on).

I feel like I keep getting backed into corners and my health is in decline.

I have become very much a recluse and avoid seeing people because I'm either too unwell or feel like it's a waste of time because I will be rejected sooner or later (because I'm not good company - I really understand that) and it's just too painful to do it anymore so I just stay on my own.

I'm the issue because it can't be everyone else but it just hurts so much to try to put myself out there and feel slapped by people.

Over time it has made me seriously scared to interact at all and I know I'm weird and intense but it's so hard not to be me.

Can you offer any suggestions or insight here Jane? I'm sorry I've lost track of how many sessions I had - crazy brain of mine. Thanks!

- Laura

I knew exactly how she was feeling, not only because I'd felt some version of the way she was feeling myself, but also because she put into words what many of the women I'm coaching have expressed to me.

Ashamedly. Embarrassed to admit it. But it's all there.

I asked her if she would allow me to share our exchange with you here on the blog so you could feel a little less alone and loved too.

Laura, I said, I have so much to say to you and am so glad you reached out. What you're experiencing is something I am so familiar with and it makes me so sad and angry that we normalize a culture that modifies the brains of such beautiful sensitive souls like yourself (and so many women who come to me like this!) so that we let society off the hook and blame the 'victim' instead.

This is not new, but it pains me to see how you've taken all this on yourself as if you are the problem.

You are NOT!

You're merely the symptom of systems and a society used to scapegoating people who have hearts that so lovingly give others the benefit of the doubt so that they dump even more on you until you hide yourself away, ashamed to be you!

First, do not take any of this personally. I know that's so much harder said than done, but this is a pattern with people who are loving, soft, light-filled souls like you are.

Just like you attract men like this, or rather THEY are attracted to you and go out of their way to win you over so that they temporarily become better than they actually are for you, so have these other people who you are believing - incorrectly - that they are right about you.

Second, minimize the contact you have with them. You've naturally done this but you want to do it intentionally because they are not safe people for you.

Third, make a list of the places you feel cater to people like you. Places and spaces where sparkly, shiny or the other side darker, shadowy people like you are welcome and respected and actually celebrated. I'm thinking indie bookstores, colorful coffee shops and local cafes, places where the arts and creativity come to mind and are run by creative artistic people.

Fourth, go to these places - what you've identified as safe spaces for you with like-minded people where you'll feel in good company. Most of this will be energy level that you feel even if you can't quite put it into words. Go and be yourself with the goal of just interacting, getting used to feeling more like yourself and seeing who shows up with a similar energy to yours.

The final thing is the most important. It's how you get your power back to stand up for yourself.

Be even more yourself than you used to. Be the very thing you've got a diagnosis now for.

Own it. Wear it. Live it. Without shame, but in celebration instead.

Celebrating you!

Wearing the full heart of you on your sleeve proudly because I swear this is the very best way to find your safe accepting spaces and people.

I've got some real experience with this, Laura, and every time someone comes to me feeling like they need to hide because people they've given their power away to are telling them they're the problem, a personal revolt is in order and all it involves is holding onto who you are by refusing to believe them and reminding yourself of all the wonderful qualities of you BECAUSE you are different in other ways or are on the spectrum.

Also, if you want to write out all the things about you that you've bought into that are the problem, I'd be happy to go through that with you and tell you why they only confirm for me that you are not the problem!

Much love to you, Laura. I am feeling you so much here and hope my words and strength I'm sending through them reach you and come through to the very heart of you.

Love,

Jane

PS If Laura's words resonate with you, come on over to the comments here and give her some love today. You're never EVER alone in what you go through!

I need your help today everyone!

A beautiful member of our community wrote me this heartbreaking letter and I want her to hear not just from me but from all of us who feel moved to say something in response to this all too familiar sentiment that we're too late, or too old or too something else. You can comment below and she'll see it on the blog.

Here's what she wrote:

Dear Jane,

I have already been told that I have missed my calling.

That I am far too old.

But I am not dead yet.

More than anything I want to sing. I have a small PA system and I'm building up a repertoire to sing on my own. But these are cover songs. But I want more than that.

I want to learn how to write songs from my heart and deliver them with passion and power. I want more than just singing other people's songs.

So... what's stopping me?

Thanks for listening Jane

Oh and by the way I am 62 this year... still young at heart and vibrant. And funny.

- Amber

Share what you want Amber to know in the comments here.

It’s the exact opposite of what your girlfriends and everyone else tells you to do.

It’s the opposite of what every single email in your inbox says to do.

After coaching thousands of women of all ages from all over the world over the past 10 years and seeing firsthand what works and what doesn’t, I stand by what I say.

The fastest way to get over a guy isn’t by going no contact.

No, that only keeps us overthinking, second-guessing, waiting, spending a ton of money on everything promised under the sun to get over him while we WAIT for some kind of miracle to happen to bring him back.

I mean, let’s be clear. We HATE no contact!

You know how many of us can actually do no contact the right way? Just about no one. If you’re the exception, that’s awesome. You can stop reading this now and move on.

But for the rest of us who can never seem to make no contact work, who keep going back to him – or at least back to thinking about him while beating ourselves up for failing at this again – more shame anyone?! – I’ve got something for you to do instead.

Stop working against yourself and start aligning with your own heart.

You CAN’T get over someone you’re having to play mind games to try to do it.

You WILL get over someone when your heart, your mind, your entire being processes how this guy treats you when you’re at your lowest point.

See, the reason why this unconventional path actually works for real, is because it’s the only way you can make this decision FOR YOURSELF. And that’s the whole point. If someone is telling you that you have to go no contact, if someone is shaming you for contacting him because you’re not supposed to, they’re the only ones who are getting over this guy, not you.

You’re still wondering what he’s doing, if that last thing you were going to do might have worked, if surprising him at work might have been the only thing you needed to do, or if getting on that airplane to show up at his place might have been the one thing your relationship needed that it didn’t get.

You have to settle within yourself what going no contact will never ever settle for you.

Until then, you’re trauma bonded, attached to the shame that was put on you or just confusing him with someone else who was supposed to love you unconditionally and couldn’t.

Isn’t it time to stop listening to people who don’t understand you, who don’t get you, and only make you feel bad about yourself for being you?

Go ahead. You don’t need it, but for those of you who do, you’ve got my permission because it works! Call him, text him, message him, drive by his house. Go get on that plane and go see him. Do whatever it is you need to do that will free you from all these regrets you’re going to have. Do the thing you’re beating yourself up already for not trying to do to get him back.

I’ve got a line of women a mile long who will reassure you from their new happy relationships they got into only AFTER they stopped listening to all the advice that never resonated with them in the first place and did whatever the hell they wanted to do – you have NOTHING to lose!

How do they do this? They get over him. Fast. They stop pining for him because they don't have to wait to see more traces of the real him. They get this immediate feedback right away - they don't have to wait for it - that tells them he's an asshole. You know how much easier it is to get over an asshole than some guy who's living up to your fantasy imagination that's only in your head because you can't contact him to see how he treats you for real?

You've got this, girl. No one knows this better than you!

Love,

Jane

P.S. Now click here and tell me in the comments a quick 'yes' - that you're going to do whatever the hell you want to do with this guy you can't get over. It's more than time you stop listening to some bad advice that has never worked for you!

I know, I know.

It’s the exact opposite of what your girlfriends and everyone else tells you to do.

It’s the opposite of what every single email in your inbox says to do.

After coaching thousands of women of all ages and cultures from all over the world the past 10 years and seeing firsthand what works and what doesn’t, I stand by what I say.

The fastest way to get over a guy isn’t by going no contact.

No, that only keeps us overthinking, second-guessing, waiting, spending a ton of money on everything promised under the sun to get over him while we WAIT for some kind of miracle to happen to bring him back.

I mean, let’s be clear. We HATE no contact!

You know how many of us can actually do no contact the right way? Just about no one. If you’re the exception, that’s awesome. You can stop reading this now and move on.

But for the rest of us who can never seem to make no contact work, who keep going back to him – or at least back to thinking about him while beating ourselves up for failing at this again – more shame anyone?! – I’ve got something for you to do instead.

Stop working against yourself and start aligning with your own heart.

You CAN’T get over someone you’re having to play mind games to try to do it.

You WILL get over someone when your heart, your mind, your entire being processes how this guy treats you when you’re at your lowest point.

See, the reason why this unconventional path actually works for real, is because it’s the only way you can make this decision FOR YOURSELF. And that’s the whole point. If someone is telling you that you have to go no contact, if someone is shaming you for contacting him because you’re not supposed to, they’re the only ones who are getting over this guy, not you. You’re still wondering what he’s doing, if that last thing you were going to do might have worked, if surprising him at work might have been the only thing you needed to do, or if getting on that airplane to show up at his place might have been the one thing your relationship needed that it didn’t get.

You have to settle within yourself what going no contact will never ever settle for you.

Until then, you’re trauma bonded, attached to the shame that was put on you or just confusing him with someone else who was supposed to love you unconditionally and couldn’t.

Isn’t it time to stop listening to people who don’t understand you, who don’t get you, and only make you feel bad about yourself for being you?

Go ahead. You don’t need it, but for those of you who do, you’ve got my permission. Call him, text him, message him, drive by his house. Go get on that plane and go see him. Do whatever it is you need to do that will free you from all these regrets you’re going to have. Do the thing you’re beating yourself up already for not trying to do to get him back. I’ve got a line of women a mile long who will reassure you from their new happy relationships they got into only AFTER they stopped listening to all the advice that never resonated with them in the first place and did whatever the hell they wanted to do – you have NOTHING to lose!

How do they do this? They get over him. Fast. They stop pining for him because they don't have to wait to see more traces of the real him. They get this immediate feedback right away - they don't have to wait for it - that tells them he's an asshole. You know how much easier it is to get over an asshole than some guy who's living up to your fantasy imagination that's only in your head because you can't contact him to see how he treats you for real?

You've got this, girl. No one knows this better than you!

Love,

Jane

Now tell me in the comments below a quick 'yes' - that you're going to do whatever the hell you want to do with this guy you can't get over. It's more than time you stop listening to some bad advice that has never worked for you and start listening to your own heart that has always known better than someone selling snake oil who pretends to know better than you!

Lauren wrote to me this week asking for some quick advice on whether to bail or not on an intoxicating relationship that's activating her "spidey senses". Read what she wrote and my answer below.

Her email:

Hi Jane,

This might be really similar to questions you've already answered on the blog, but I would love your help and wisdom!

Here it goes:

I've been on two dates with this guy. The physical chemistry is amazing and honestly pretty intoxicating. He's charming, funny and one of those ambitious entrepreneur guys (who has way too busy of a schedule, I'm beginning to wonder).

For lack of a better word, my "spidey senses" are already being activated. On the one hand, our dates have been SO fun. I feel confident and sexy, and I haven't felt that way in a while! He's a good listener, and we have great banter. There's something in him that brings out a side of me that I like? Those things make me want to continue to get to know him.

On the other hand, he texted me immediately after the first date and waited a couple days after the second one, after there was more physical intimacy. With only two dates, I don't feel like I know enough about him to understand his motivations, and I don't know exactly what he's looking for (we met on a dating app).

But, I felt SO anxious while waiting to hear from him (could just be me, though!). He's a little hard to read (and again, it's been such a short amount of time), but I just have this sense that he might be a player and emotionally unavailable.

I wonder that in part because I find myself SO attracted to this type of man.

Part of me wonders if he might surprise me, and part of me wonders if this is a disaster waiting to happen. He's a bit more sexually forward than I would expect to come from someone looking for something more serious. And again, there's just this vibe -- maybe that he's not that comfortable with emotions?

I'm really trying to change my patterns. So, I've wondered -- do I bail now? Do I trust my gut? Or do I let this play out?

Again, I don't feel like I have enough data! But, my intuition has essentially always been right before. I want to protect my very sensitive heart.

Thanks so much!

- Lauren

My response:

Hi Lauren,

I'm so glad you reached out!

Your 'spidey sense' is right on. You've got an emotionally unavailable player all rolled into one. Every breathless word you used to describe him. Every nuance of the connection between the two of you combined with your description of his pattern after your dates - and especially after being more intimate - and your pattern of attracting this type of guy as your very specific type.

It's all in here.

Activated is exactly right. That's what happens when you encounter the guy who represents everything that's been stored up in your nervous system. This time will be different, right? He's just a little different from the rest, right?

Yep. It's all here.

For years I gave men like this the benefit of the doubt - and helped the women I coached to walk through this at their own own pace so they could come to see what they needed to see in the only way that ever works - the hard way. No one wants to give this guy up now! You're just beginning. It's so good.

How can we possibly get off this exciting ride now?!

You'll want to get all your data, all your information, everything you need before you do anything about him. Take it slow, detach (as much as you can - I know this is hard!) by living your life, dating other men as much as possible, and keeping him in the proper perspective that IT'S ONLY BEEN TWO DATES!

But something is changing.

The number of women ignoring their spidey sense - their gut, their intuition - at the early stages just like you, is doing a lot of damage. To you. So when I tell you I've been coaching women all over the world for over a decade now, and before that I dated every emotionally unavailable player myself that I couldn't help but find, I mean that I've been through this too many times to not tell you what every woman who's gone before you needs you to know.

Yes, you can wait a little longer until you have enough confirmation that he's a player and emotionally unavailable just your like intuition is picking up on but you don't want to believe until you have absolute confirmation.

And that confirmation may take awhile because this feeling of being so alive with him, of being so sexy, so confident so fun, is something that feels worth whatever the data is eventually going to point to.

But there's something you have to do for yourself before you go down that path. You have to know where this leads. Eyes wide open.

It ends badly. You get hurt. He's still busy with everything - after all he's always be entrepreneuring right?

But you have so much fun right up until then.

So what's it worth, Ally? That's the only thing you have to know. And you do have to know. How much do you need this feeling right now for as long as we can get it to last? How much is THAT worth? Because I know firsthand how much that can be just about EVERYTHING when you're in the middle of it!

Bail now. Trust your gut. Save your beautiful sensitive heart.

But if you can't, don't, or whatever you do instead, I'll still be here to pick up the pieces.

Much love to you,

Jane

Your turn. Most of you have been here. Did you bail? Did you hang around for more data? Did it hurt so bad when your heart got broken? Did it work out? Tell Lauren in the comments.

Our letter today comes from Penny, who got my attention with her subject like that read "Hurt and Lonely." My heart went out to her as I read her story.

Read what she wrote to me - and my response - below. Then you can tell her what you want her to know in the comments there, too.

Her Letter:

Hi Jane,

I have four grown children, just over a year apart. The 50 yr. old is the oldest. I ended up raising them alone, since the oldest was 10 yrs. old.

I had to work two full time jobs, as my ex didn't pay child support.

They all turned out good. No troubles with them. My daughter and I were especially close for years, me babysitting, etc., but then I was working full-time and also went to college at 55 yrs. old and she got a job. She has a husband and two kids, I am alone.

We had an argument in 2009 when I was under stress from my mother dying, etc. We can't seem to get it straightened out. She wants nothing to do with me and therefore I also don't see my grandchildren, who are in college.

I've asked for forgiveness, but she won't.

Whenever there is a party, the tension is unbearable. I wasn't even invited to my grandson's graduation. The youngest son was in the Navy for 20 yrs and now lives far away from me. I never hear from him either. My two oldest sons call me, but never have time to see me.

I will be 70 yrs old and my heart aches. My two sons are busy and work 6 days a week, but I am so lonely for them. The two older boys live around 25 miles away and I go to one of their houses, but the other one is single and never home, and he has kids and grandkids, his housecleaning and wash to do on his one day off.

I keep myself busy, but it hurts so bad.

I have 13 grandchildren, not all in this state, but no one comes to visit or even calls, except my two oldest son's call about once a week, but don't come. I have a little dog who keeps me company and I believe in GOD, but this ache in my heart won't go away.

I tried a dating site to meet someone, but that didn't work either.

Do you have an answer? I do play cards, go to art school, but I have no real friends that I am close to.

- Penny

My Response:

Penny, I'm so glad you stumbled on my site! I get emails from women at all stages of life, but your email touched my heart in a whole new way.

I hear your pain, your lonely heart and oh how my heart goes out to you. It doesn't matter what the specifics are, family dynamics can be so challenging with various family members feeling slighted and jilted and angry and resentful and a host of other emotions for reasons that most other members often can't even begin to understand.

I have issues with my own mother as well that aren't understood by her or by me at times, they sometimes just are. A series of past hurts and present hot buttons or triggers that bring up all kinds of baggage, sometimes subconscious, sometimes ones we realize and can work out, sometimes issues that run too deep to repair.

My point is that all these difficult family relationships seem to be a product of our culture and our times, and there really isn't any right or wrong or blame to be had.

It just is.

But it doesn't make it any easier or less grievous to go through and I really do hear just how painful it is for you. Unfortunately, we can't change other people or make them want to spend more time with us. Or come back to the table with us and talk.

Or any of that.

We can always try to work on ourselves, to try to see their point of view and soften ourselves so that they can sense our genuine love for them. But sometimes there's just too much history, too many hurts, and even being related may not be enough to bring people back together.

And sometimes we just have to find our peace in accepting what is if we cannot change it no matter how hard we try. Even if it is breaks our heart. We can try and keep trying and keep working on ourselves, but the outcome may ultimately be outside of our control.

But I do have a few suggestions for you. There is something you can do here, beginning with today.

You can begin to live a whole new life with the beautiful, wonderful, loving person that is you! You can decide right now that you are going to begin anew. Right where you are and see where this new path may lead.

First of all, I would write a letter to yourself.  Tell yourself everything you love about yourself, everything that makes you beautiful and wonderful and special and unique.

Describe in detail those things that you do and those qualities you possess that give you that spring in your step, make you feel alive when you do them. It doesn't matter if you don't feel like you've got a whole lot to write about, this exercise is about lightening you up and reminding you of who you are and all the beautiful attributes you have to offer.

Secondly, I would make a list of everything you have ever wanted to do but didn't think you could, or didn't have time to do, or felt you didn't have permission to do, or were told you couldn't do for whatever reason.

It's wonderful that you are taking an art class and play cards if these are things that interest you, but there may be other things where you can meet more like minded people that you may truly enjoy.

This is your time to live, sweet Penny. This is about you! Leave nothing out as you make this list. The sky is truly the limit!

Thirdly, I would suggest volunteering for something you're passionate about. How would you change the world if you could do anything? If money was no object and if there were no limits on what you could accomplish?

How could you make a difference?

Begin there by answering those questions and see where that takes you. Where could you make that difference in the world in your community? And more importantly, what are you passionate about?

It's time to find out!

Fourthly, I'm not sure what dating services you've tried, but you may want to see if there are any other ones out there that might be better or more of a fit for what you're looking for.

Ultimately, the best place to meet other people is where you're doing things you enjoy, so you should be able to meet more men and women just by further exploring those hobbies and activities that you are interested in.

Do you have a dog park you can go to regularly? I've never met as many people from all walks of life, young and old, as when we regularly take our dogs to the local dog park. So let your sweet little doggy help you make some friends.

And the more important thing I've learned is that to have friends, you really have to be a friend. I am the first to agree that it seems harder than ever to meet genuine friends these days, but if you keep an open mind and remind yourself of all you have to offer someone in friendship, and begin by really listening and hearing what someone has to say, you may be surprised at how much easier this can all be.

Go out of your way to meet someone else's needs. Have you also thought about looking after someone else's children or grandchildren?

Just tonight, a friend and I were talking about how much we miss having our mothers closer sometimes, and that if we could just adopt a grandma, it would be so nice. So maybe you could check with some organizations like a sitter service or nanny service or church or parents organization to see whether there might be an opportunity there.

As a parent, I know just how special is can be to have the past and present generations get together to share in the joy of childhood with the knowledge and experience of age.

And what about play? What about being silly and just "playing"? What would you do if no one was watching? Do you love to dance, sing, play an instrument you haven't touched in years?

These are just some suggestions I had while meditating on your email. If anything resonates with you, explore it. If it doesn't, try it anyway, and if it still doesn't fit, then try something else. But stretch yourself in the process.

And maybe you could teach a class at a local community college. Or teach something at a church or library or other organization. What about working on a book, writing your life story or writing about something that you experienced in your life that you think could make a difference in the world?

I have found that the best antidote to loneliness is a combination of acceptance and resolve.

There's a peace that comes with accepting reality if you really have tried and can't change it, but never say never is the motto when it comes to determining to resolve to start anew and to have a fresh start living your life like never before.

You can do this, Penny, and you do so deserve the best that life and love have to offer you. Sometimes, we just have to get creative and look outside of the box to find our answers.

You are never too old to begin again, to live your life at the beginning, like the little girl inside you that you probably don't even know anymore. I coach women all the time who are seeing this for themselves and starting again - at any age!

Begin there, connecting with that sweet, beautiful little girl who can do and be whatever she wants to do and be. That's still you, deep down inside she's still that sweet little girl just waiting for her turn.

I hope this helps.

Please know you really are not alone. There is love and there are loving people all around us, we just need to see them in the unexpected ways they often occur. You deserve nothing less than this - at any age!

I'll be cheering you on from here.

Love,

Jane

Do you have anything to say to Penny? Maybe you relate to some or all of this? Let her know in the comments below!

You know that guy you used to have? The one you lost? The one you think you were too much for, too needy with, or not enough of what he actually wanted you to be?

Yeah, that one.

He's gone now, right?

And you're sitting here, going back over every last conversation in your head. Every text, every message, every nuance. Until the very last one.

Blaming yourself. Beating yourself up. Ruminating over and over and over again.

It's not your fault.

But you're back here because whenever something painful like this happens, you make it your fault. You take the blame. You put it on you. You make it about what you should have done instead. It's what you do with painful things like this because it's all you've ever known to do.

But it's not your fault. It's that whatever familiar painful experience you went through that's being triggered in you here was only made traumatic and triggering BECAUSE you were assigned the role of it somehow being your fault.

Someone else, someone with power in an authoritative position over you, shirked their own responsibility for what happened and projected that onto you.

And you took it on you because you had to. You didn't have a choice, you were powerless not to.

Whatever that was that happened to you, when all those familiar feelings come rushing back because he's gone, you've lost him again, the familiar feeling that it's your fault and you could have done something to stop it, brings you right back here again.

That's why you can't let it go.

That's why you keep ruminating over it. Not because it happened at all, but because the responsibility for it - the blame - was put onto you. And now you're doing it to yourself again.

Different guy. Different situation. Same exact pattern.

Something bad happens you didn't want to happen and it's your fault. Painful experience made traumatic, bringing you right back to that little girl who actually was powerless to change it, and insert the blame.

Not your fault, girl. Not your fault. A relationship takes two. You weren't compatible, weren't on the same page. He's who he is, and you're you. You couldn't keep pretending anymore and that's why it all came out.

But you're not powerless anymore. Recognizing this is what gives you your power back.

See this pattern?

See how this keeps playing out over and over again. Go back and look at all those things you can't let go of. See how this pattern persists?

The worst thing is, it's conditioned, programmed, positively reinforced enough it's become ingrained in your neural pathways in your brain so that whenever something goes wrong, you've been perfectly programmed to blame yourself.

It's instinctive now.

Something happens, you feel the guilt/shame i.e. responsibility of it because that's all you've been programmed to do and you do it perfectly.

What was an objective "this happened" - 'the event" becomes 'my fault', 'my mess up', 'my blind spot', 'my responsibility' and we're right back there accepting the blame all over again.

See how this runs so deep?

The practical "It is what it is" doesn't apply to us when it is what it is BECAUSE we believe it was somehow our fault.

How so we change this?

Whenever you feel that sinking awful feeling in your gut or that headache pops up, ask yourself why. And then look at what you're feeling the weight of the responsibility for that's become literally second nature for you.

If someone else programmed you with THEIR responsibility by putting it onto you, that's you carrying it for them, not your responsibility doing the right thing recognizing this is yours to account for.

No! Shake it off you.

Don't minimize your pain. Feel it all. Let it all out.

Cry those tears. Feel that rage rising within you. Just ask for what you need from even just one person who loves you, who sees you, who cares about you.

This isn't on you, girl. We've learned to take it on. Now we learn to let it go!

"I'm ready to do the work" she said. "I'm ready to fix this."

"I sabotaged it - I was so insecure and anxious. I did this. Now I only have myself to blame. Can you help me get him back?"

It wasn't her fault. And no, it didn't require any more "working on herself".

Because it wasn't hers to fix.

She hadn't sabotaged it. She was insecure and anxious BECAUSE he gave her reason to be. NOT because she was this way for no reason.

She didn't do this. She wasn't to blame.

If she wanted him back, it would only take her doing one thing - freeing herself.

We freed her on that call.

We freed her from the chains of bondage she'd been wearing forever.

She didn't need anyone to do this to her. She'd been doing it to herself already.

All she did was tell me in detail. She let it all flow out.

She wasn't the first. And she wouldn't be the last.

This is how we do this, girl. We free you from the chains that bind you.

We take this spirit of bondage you've been given and give you wings to soar like an eagle.

We free you from ever taking back the blame, the bondage, the fear.

Ever again.

Love,

Jane