Hope Boulevard by J. Hope Suis

Are You Looking For Excuses Or Solutions (We Find What We Search For)

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Sun, 18 Sep 2022 16:04:00 +0000

Excuses are like pennies you find on the floor. Easy to spot and pretty much anywhere, but not really helpful in the grand scheme of things.

In the stressful world we live in there is always a reason not to do something. Just read any self-care quote or article and you are given permission, even encouraged, to not push yourself. Not get overwhelmed. It’s ok to relax.

And, yes, it is good to relax. And self-care is important. But it’s easy to use those phrases to justify giving up too soon, not trying one more time, or hiding away from your problems while renaming it a sabbatical.

It is often in the middle of the hardest times where the best ideas or motivation form if you are willing to be open to it and actually look for it.

And if I seem harsh today, just know I’m looking at myself in the mirror while I type.

I have made finding excuses an artform. But I was raised with a better example than that. Let me tell you about my father; Olie Suis.

His entire life, along with that of my mom) is worthy of an entire book. One I should have already written, if not for the excuses I’ve made along the way. But I want to focus on two seemingly insignificant moments in time that I’m hoping will drive my point home.

My father had diabetes and due to complications, he lost his right leg above the knee. Now that’s a devastating loss at any age, but he was already in the later years of his life. This could have been a sign for him to slow down, and practice some self-care. But that wasn’t quite his way.

His first obstacle was driving. He had a small Ford truck that he used to get around town. He didn’t travel far at that age, but he did enjoy the short trip into town or visiting with fellow farmers in the area.

But it’s hard to press the gas without a right foot. So my dad could have given up driving. He could have told his friends there would be no more visits and sent me or my mom to run his errands.

But he didn’t say “I can’t drive without a leg”; he asked instead, “How can I drive without a leg?”

And the answer was his cane. Now I will go on record as saying this was probably not the safest idea he ever had. I never said my dad wasn’t stubborn or a risk taker. But he did look for solutions. And his solution was to use his cane to press the gas pedal.

And thankfully he never got caught or caused any damage to himself or others. But he did continue to drive for as long as he could. His independence and freedom (and stubbornness) were important to him. He found a way.

Then he lost his left leg about the knee. To be sure now he would just give up. Who would expect a double amputee senior citizen to do much of anything, right? Except he expected a lot from himself.

So every morning, after breakfast he would put on both artificial legs and go out to the barn or the field or the garden and find something to do.

Then my roof needed fixing. And we could have hired someone to do it. Because my dad could have easily said “I can’t get on the roof with two artificial legs.” Instead, he asked, “How can I get on the roof with artificial legs?”

And the answer was to carefully climb up the ladder and just do it. There are days when I don’t think I can take one more ‘weary’ step and then I picture him up there, alone, fixing my roof.

He never looked for excuses, he only looked for solutions.

I’ve grown soft over the years. From too much convenience. Probably from too much self-care. Shoot, I actually had my groceries delivered yesterday for the first time in my life. In my defense, I had a coupon and I was sick, but still. What would my parents think of that? Most likely that I’d lost my good sense and cents.

I am 100% sure many of us over-extend ourselves. With family. WIth work. Even with social commitments. It is ok to say no sometimes.

But it takes discipline and honesty to tell the difference between using an excuse to get out of accomplishing something and looking for a solution to get it done even if it’s hard.

Because the bottom line is, you can get away with doing less. If you want. You can excuse your life away. But what do you have to show for it? What legacy are you leaving for those behind you?

I’m not suggesting you do something dangerous or reckless. And I know some days it takes all our strength just to get the basics done.

But I do believe we find what we are looking for. Search is a verb. It requires action, imagination, and intuition. If we diligently look for ways to make our lives better, complete our tasks, and pursue our goals, we will find ways.

If we are looking for excuses they are a dime a dozen of pennies on the floor.

What are you willing to search for? What are you willing to risk?

What great invention or solution or life hack is just around the corner because YOU didn’t give up?

What am I able to accomplish if I stop making excuses?

What kind of world could we live in if we all learned to:

Hope WIth Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Is Your Phone A Third Wheel In Your Relationship?

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Sun, 28 Aug 2022 21:41:00 +0000

Have you ever gone out with a couple friend? Just to avoid going somewhere alone?

I have. My best friend and her boyfriend have let me tag along numerous times. Graciously too I might add.

And even though I know I’m welcomed, I still feel like a third wheel some of the time.

Two is a nice round even number. It’s intimate. It’s connected. And an outside influence can sometimes interrupt the flow.

Enter your cell phone.

Yes, I know it’s important. MasterCard was ahead of its time with their “Don’t leave home without it” ad. Not that we need to be reminded to take our phones.

You don’t turn around and go back to work or home for a drink left on the counter, or a light left on in the hallway, BUT a cell phone left on the bed THAT’S cause for an illegal u-turn and a race against time to retrieve it.

It has become our lifeline to the world. And I get it. I carry mine with me too. But for the purpose of this article, I want to talk about the right ways and the wrong ways to use your phone in a relationship.

It can work for you, and unfortunately, if you are not careful, it can work against you. And you don’t want to wake up and discover your phone is the third wheel in the relationship that has gone off track.

The 3 Don'ts For Cell Phone Use In Your Relationship

1. Don't Use It To Stalk Your Partner

Your partner has gone to pick up dinner. And left their phone on the table.

Don't do it! I know you want to. I know it is so tempting just to take a peek. But don't.

It's crazy when you think about it, but so many of us put our entire lives on a machine that can not only crash or be lost but can easily be accessed.

But even within the confines of a relationship, there is still an expectation of privacy when it comes to our phones. Every couple is different, and I'm not suggesting you make everything surrounding your phone secretive (that's coming up later), but if you have to look at their phone when they are not around, then it's wrong.

First of all, without the proper context, innocent things can look sketchy. And just the thought that you need to look at all says one of two things: You already suspect something. Or, there is something in your past that you brought into this relationship.

If you truly can't trust your partner, then you need to re-evaluate why you want to be together. And if you are bringing yesterday's trash to today's buffet, you need to do the work to let it go.

And even though you tell yourself it will help build trust every time you look and don't find anything, it can easily turn into an addiction and a vicious cycle. You will find yourself needing a 'trust fix' that will one day catch up with you and most likely backfire and burn the relationship.

2. Don't Use It For Inappropriate Behavior

I don't feel called to judge what anyone does on their own time, but I just have one thing to say:

Whatever goes in the cloud, stays in the cloud.

I just watched a documentary on a guy who started a website dedicated to revenge porn. Simply put, it was a place where heartbroken or resentful exs could post private pictures once intended to be 'just for fun'.

A lot of personal and even professional damage can be done if your private, intimate times are on display for the world to see.

And I understand there are apps that promise security and encryption, but just don't say you weren't warned. It's a very risky thing.

3. Don't Use It As A Distraction From Problems

How often do you go out and see a couple eating a nice meal with both of their heads buried in their phones? How romantic is that? Zero!

Do you sit on the couch at night each scrolling and scrolling mindlessly and end the evening with no meaningful conversation?

Cultivating a relationship means working through difficult times or a difference of opinion. And yes, that's hard. And for those of you who were never taught conflict resolution skills, avoidance becomes the favored option.

You can't fight if you're watching Instagram reels, right? Well, you might not fight, but you won't grow either.

Relationships require responsibility and commitment. When an issue pops up, meet it head one. Be kind. Listen. Talk it out.

Don't hide behind your phone thinking the problem will go away. It won't.

But your partner might.

The 3 Dos For Cell Phone Use In A Relationship

1. Do Turn It Off On Date Night

There should be an agreement from the beginning that phones are turned off on date night. No interruptions from the outside world.

No notifications popping up in the middle of a conversation.

No random text about your prescription pick up to spoil the mood.

Just turn it off.

Now, I get it. Sometimes people need to be reached. Family issues might come up. A babysitter might need to reach out. So be fair and reasonable.

But do your best to reserve date night as a time just for the two of you. To reconnect. Remember why you love each other. Share your dreams and plans for the future.

THEN download the app to track all those dreams and plans when the date is over.

2. Do Be Open About Other Contacts

So I mentioned above that it's not cool to go through your partner's phone. But here's the thing:

Don't do anything to make them doubt you.

Don't ALWAYS have your phone on silent. Don't walk away from them when it rings. Don't turn it over and pretend you didn't just hear the text tone.

And don't have 2 Moms and 3 BFFs in your contacts.

Sure, you might have been a player in the day. And we all have someone in our past that pops up randomly to say high, ask for money, or even beg for another chance. You can't help who contacts you, but you can be open with your partner.

If someone is contacting you and you feel the need to lie or hide it, then your relationship is not being built on trust and is probably not very stable.

3. Do Use It For Its Intended Purpose

Communication! Today our cell phones are micro-computers that can run almost every aspect of our lives. But its primary function was intended to be a source of communication.

And that's what relationships thrive on.

Call your partner. Text them good morning. Or good night. Send funny memes. Use it to stay in contact and let them know how special they are to you.

And answer when they reach out to you. There is no time for cat and mouse games where you wait for ten minutes or 24 hours, or pretend you are too busy to answer. That's childish and mean.

If you can't take their call or answer their text, respond when you can. Don't leave them hanging just to make them miss you more.

And on the flip side, just because someone doesn't answer your text in five minutes doesn't mean something is wrong with the relationship or that they are on the phone talking with someone else. Things come up. Work. Traffic. Family.

Yes, phones can provide immediate contact, but life doesn't always allow for it. Don't freak out every time. Don't sound desperate and needy for attention.

Communication is easier now than it ever was. So utilize this tool to strengthen and establish your relationship.

No One Likes Being The Third Wheel

People have been falling in love and making commitments for centuries. Long before online dating apps, text messages, and TikTok.

In the right context, your phone can be a helpful tool in keeping your relationship fresh and growing.

But never forget it is not a substitute for YOU.

My Hopefuls, human interaction is harder to come by these days. We can do everything online and mostly without looking each other in the eye.

Let's not lose our humanity for the sake of convenience.

And always remember to:

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Build Your Boat And They Will Come (AKA Noah's Field of Rain)

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Sun, 21 Aug 2022 20:13:00 +0000

So today's blog is a collaboration between Noah's Ark and Field Of Dreams.

One is a true story and the other is a pretty good movie. But they both share a similar theme that we can use as motivation and encouragement.

Kevin Costner's character in Field of Dreams was a corn farmer. He is troubled by regret over the strained relationship he had with his late father; who was an avid baseball fan.

Through a series of events, he was compelled to turn his cornfield into a baseball field. The mantra of the movie was 'if you build it, they will come'.

So he set about to build a baseball field before any baseball players showed up. He believed in his cause and had faith in the right outcome.

And not to give away the spoiler, they did come.

Noah's predicament was a little more serious. His life and those of his family depended on him getting it right.

Now, I'll be honest, I'm not a geographical or Bible historian, but from everything I've read and heard, Noah pretty much started his mini-wooden titanic without a body of water in sight. There was no boat launch nearby. And he certainly didn't have a truck and fifth wheel trailer to haul it to the lake.

But God told him to build a boat. Told him how to build it, the materials to use, the size. He provided everything except the water. To begin with.

Now we know how the story ends, but at the first swing of the hammer, Noah did not. Neither did his nosey neighbors. This wasn't a small backyard project he could keep to himself. This was a huge undertaking. And everyone for miles around heard about crazy Noah and his boat with nothing to float on.

And honestly his family probably gave him a hard time too, at least occasionally. He had to cancel date nights. He missed a few ball games. Forgot to take out the trash. He was laser focused on this task that God had told him would be the only thing to save his family and the animals.

So what's my not-so-subtle point?

Whatever you want to build. Build it!

You don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to know the end result. You don't need the approval of those around you.

If you believe in your dream or cause, have faith and build your boat or ball field.

I struggle with this very thing almost daily. I want to take Hope Boulevard to the next level, but I'm not even sure what that level is. I doubt my influence. I fear rejection. Or even worse; silence.

But my dreams, our dreams, are not coming to us until we prepare for them.

You don't buy furniture for your new house and place it on the empty lot. You build the home first.

You don't just show up on the last day of class and take the exam. You have to study, research, prepare.

And that's the hard stuff most of us don't want to do.

Sure, we want a baseball stadium with cheering fans and a winning ball team.

We want the status of hero, master boat architect and rescuer of every single animal.

But what sacrifices are we willing to make?

The ridicule of others? The financial investment? Sleepless nights? Anxiety? The ever present whispering of "is it all worth it"?

And truly only you can answer that question. But I dare say if you are even reading this, then you believe it is worth it. And you, like me, seek encouragement and motivation to take one more step in the right direction.

So this blog is my one step. My home base. Another board on my boat deck.

Because I'm just crazy enough to believe that if I build my boat, the rain will come.

Are you?

If you are, then we all need to just:

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Stay On The Wall - A Lesson In Distractions

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Mon, 16 May 2022 10:09:00 +0000

Full Disclosure:

This is my loose interpretation of a sermon I heard. (So no plagiarism intended.) But a good lesson overall.

Have you ever had a good intention? Maybe even a plan. You were so going to DO this. Whatever THIS was. And then out of nowhere, you feel like Dori in Finding Nemo and your attention is pulled in a dozen different directions.

If you didn't get that movie reference, you are missing out!

So let me tell you about this guy in the Old Testament named Nehemiah.

Now don't go all glazy eyes on me. The Bible is full of some pretty cool, flawed, dedicated, crazy and wonderful people.

So this Nehemiah guy was a pretty normal dude. Nothing flashy. No great outwardly skills. He didn't walk on water or kill a giant.

In fact, his life was pretty expendable. He was the cupbearer for the king. Which meant he had to take a drink of every glass before the king did. Just to make sure it wasn't poisoned.

How does one explain that on a resume??

Anyway, Nehemiah's hometown people (The Jews) had been exiled, but were released to go home. Only their home had pretty much been destroyed and the walls around the city were torn down.

Nehemiah felt really bad about that. He wasn't a leader or a priest, but he wanted to help. And he knew he could help build the wall back.

So he did a scary thing and asked the king for some time off. The vacation plan for a cupbearer was not that great. In face, the benefits package was pretty slim anyway. Mostly death benefits.

Anyway, God moved the heart of the king and he granted him the time to go build the wall.

Sounds simple enough, right?

Well not everyone was in favor of that wall being built. And that's where the distractions came in. One delay after another. People forming Facebook groups to oppose. TikTok videos protesting. Zoning issues.

Even a group of so-called friends who tried to lure him off the wall to talk about the progress, but they really wanted to stall the process.

It would have been easy for him to give up. Or decide to take a break. I'm sure there were days when coming off that wall sounded great.

But he didn't. He chose to stay on the wall. To finish what he started. To do what he felt was the right thing to do. Despite the distractions.

So let me ask you this.

What is your wall?

What do you feel strongly that you need to do? How can you make a difference? It doesn't have to be as large as a fortress around a city. It can be helping one person. Or fulfilling a dream. Or completing a goal.

And you have to know, that as soon as you truly commit to your 'wall', the distractions will come.

Things and people and circumstances will try to stop you. Now, you still have to be responsible and reliable. You can't forsake the rest of your life for one cause. But you can learn to limit the distractions.

Turn off the phone (or the ringer).

Limit the mindless activities that waste your time.

Don't take on so many extra curricular obligations.

Learn the power of saying no. Without excuses.

Don't be influenced by so-called friends who don't truly believe in you or your 'wall'.

My Hopefuls, walls are not built in a day. They take dedication and preserverance. And you can't keep coming down!

I believe in you. In your abilities. In the drive to do something meaningful. You don't have to be powerful or famous or rich to make a difference. Even ordinary people like us can make an impact.

You just have to STAY ON THE WALL!

And always

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Permission To Forgive Yourself Mom - A Mother's Day Gift To You

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Sat, 07 May 2022 20:47:00 +0000

What do you want/need for Mother's Day?

Flowers are sweet. Dinners are special. Cards and calls are endearing.

A day at the spa, or the lake, or in bed (or fill in the blank for wherever you want to spend your day) is refreshing.

But my gift for you on this Mother’s Day is not tangible, frame-able, or even hash-tag-able.

It is, however, priceless. It can also be difficult, because it’s a gift you have to give yourself, and some of us are truly bad at that concept.

I'm talking about the gift of forgiving yourself.

Do you know what I’m guilty of? Scrolling through social media and comparing my life to someone else. What? You mean, you don’t?? Well, good for you. (Even if I don’t quite believe that.)

I compare my social life. I compare my relationship (or lack thereof). I compare my contentment/happiness. I sometimes even compare my struggles.

And before you judge me too harshly, you know what many of you do?

Compare your parenting style/skill/scorecard with the ‘other moms’ out there. And if you do that too long doubts will begin to form and guilt will soon follow.

You will start to ask; “Are my kids happy?” “Do I do enough with my kids?” “Should I enroll them in this/that/the other?” “Do they stay inside too much?” “Do they stay outside too much?” “What do they think of me?” “How can I buy them that outfit/phone/game that everyone else has?”

Stop already!

Are you a perfect parent? Probably not. Are the people you compare yourself to the perfect parent? No to that as well.

Here’s the truth. We make mistakes with our kids. I did. I did when they were small children and I still do today even though they are adults. I made the wrong choice. I was selfish at times. I just simply had no idea what to do in some cases. And that’s ok. Because I know I did the best I could, with what I had at the time.

And that’s really the key. Children are not fragile pieces of china that will break under the slightest of pressure. They are tough. They are resilient. They bounce back. And up. And down. Bouncing is literally something they do best.

The biggest thing your child needs to know is that they are safe with you, you have their back, and you love them unconditionally. The other highs and lows they work through.

Now, it is true, that kids will often push back. They will rebel, complain, pressure, use guilt tactics, and play one parent against the other. They are human, after all, and they want their way. They will be upset and angry with things that happen. It is ok for them to have those feelings.

What’s not ok is for you to take on the weight of all those feelings. If you specifically know of a mistake you made, and you feel it is important to own up to that, tell your child. It is a learning tool for when they have to admit when they are wrong and it will build trust because they will know you are being fair.

They will forgive you if you are sincere with them. You then have to learn to forgive yourself.

You are not responsible for every little thing that happens in their life. And you are not obligated to provide them with the life someone else photoshops onto social media or splashes across Tik-Tok.

You are only required to love completely and do the best you can.

Parenting is not a competition. Either with your neighbor or your partner. It’s a marathon that starts with the first cry and doesn’t end until your last breath.

Enjoy all the moments. The big ones and the little ones.

Celebrate the victories. Comfort each other in the losses.

And most of all: Forgive Yourself.

For being human. For being imperfect. For learning as you go.

I learned so many things from my mom, even though I didn't always agree or follow her advice. I have tried to teach and be an example to my daughters, even though they haven't always agreed or followed my advice.

Consistency and communication are vital. Acceptance fits right in there too.

My Hopeful Moms, it is my goal for you today to give yourself a break. Not just a physical one, but an emotional one.

Don't judge your life by someone else's Facebook cover.

Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Believe in yourself.

And have a:

Happy Mother's Day

And always...

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

It's Time To Think About Quitting (And Feel Ok About It)

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Sun, 13 Feb 2022 18:45:00 +0000

"No one likes a quitter."

"Quitters never win and winners never quit."

Those are two of the more well-known quotes, but there is a gazillion out there. All designed to motivate you to persevere, push through, never give up.

You've heard these sayings most of your life. You've probably repeated these sayings to our kids or friends.

We have all heard stories of someone just on the edge of a breakthrough that thought about quitting but didn't, and wow, look at them now.

And to some extent, this advice has its place and purpose. We shouldn't go around quitting every time we have a setback or a bad day. There is no forward movement in life if we consistently hit the reset button.

But there comes a time when a person has just had enough. Whether it was a misguided career choice, an unhealthy relationship, or a self-destructive habit. Even things we start with the best of intentions and give our best shot sometimes go off the rails.

It's a delicate balance between knowing what's worth fighting for and knowing when to walk away.

Some of those decisions no one can make for you. You have to evaluate the benefit of the situation versus the cost it has on your mental, emotional, and even physical health. Your peace of mind ties directly into the well-being of your body. You need to seriously consider quitting anything that robs you of peace and joy.

And here are a few other things worth quitting.

Quit Living In The Past

We have all done and said things we wish we could take back. We have hurt people. We have made bad decisions. We may have even intentionally done something we regret terribly now.

But you have to stop living with those regrets. If you need to go to someone and make peace, then do that. If that water is too far under the bridge, then find a new body of water for your future.

Your past does not have to define or follow you.

This goes for if you were the one hurt. Pain, grief, loss, betrayal. Those are difficult setbacks to overcome. Prayer. Time. Therapy. Ask for, and get, the help you need. But quit reliving the hurt. And quit expecting the next person down the line to do the same thing to you.

You can push people away out of fear. And you might protect yourself from a certain amount of disappointment, but you will also miss out on a tremendous amount of love and friendships.

Learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Then quit living in the past and embrace your beautiful life.

Quit Being Your Own Worst Critic

Trust me, there are enough people around to point out your flaws and shortcomings. You don't need to join in the chorus.

Quit comparing yourself to others. Whether it is appearance, status, money, or position. Each of us has our own journey. You don't know everything they have gone through to 'get' what you think you want.

Determine your own standards and ideals. Work on ways to fulfill your own dreams. Give yourself a break when you stumble.

Of course, there will always be something you can improve. Make your health a priority. Get more organized. Make time for your loved ones. If there are legitimate things you can work on to be a better you, then make those choices. Not from the standpoint of a critic, but to improve your life and those you love.

Quit Allowing Yourself To Be Manipulated

Maybe you are a people pleaser and have a hard time saying no.

Maybe you feel trapped in a situation or relationship.

The people on the other side of the equation will soon pick up on the fact that they can get their way. And they may even love you, but have learned how to shape the conversation to their benefit.

It might be passive-aggressive behavior, looking for sympathy, or even blatant manipulation.

And this, my friends, is a hard one. Once someone has used successfully used this tactic they will suddenly become confused and even offended when it stops working. They will ramp up their approach to get you back in line.

I struggle with this one, I'll be honest. I can tell you that firm boundaries are a must. And the road to control did not happen immediately, and it won't necessarily be an immediate fix. Especially if your goal is to salvage the friendship/relationship.

Start with the small nos. Work your way up. Have a hard conversation on the reasons you can no longer be their go-to for problem-solving. This may be your hardest quit, but I promise you the release from that burden will be the best reward.

Quit Being On The Fence

The most confusing place you will ever be is on the fence. Caught in limbo about a decision.

The origins of the phrase dealt with property fences. They defined ownership. So straddling a fence meant you were not completely on either property. There was no commitment to either side.

We use this phrase today when we can't settle on a choice. We have weighed our options so long, it's just a weight now.

It's time to quit sitting on the fence. Whatever 'it' is, make a decision.

Maybe you have invested in a new hobby, but are afraid of failing.

Maybe you have read a dozen self-help books, but not taken the steps.

Maybe your goals haven't been reached and you are questioning yourself.

Maybe you have filled out that job application but never hit the send button.

Maybe there is someone you want to ask out, but you are not sure they will say yes.

So, let's just be real.

Your first attempt at a new hobby will probably not be perfect.

Self-help books are suggestions, and they may not all work for you, but I guarantee none will work if you don't start.

Even with hard work, some goals are hard to obtain. Never question your decision to start. If you want/need a break, then take it. It will still be there when you want to come back.

Sending a job application doesn't mean you have to accept it. And even if they turn you down, it will feel good that you took the risk.

The same about asking someone out. Yes, they may say no. But they could also say yes. And a no isn't an indictment on you. They could have a dozen reasons that now (or you) are not right for them. But you can't just stay on the fence. Either ask or risk never knowing.

Life is lived once you get off the fence.

It's Time To Think About Quitting

My Hopefuls, today I want you to seriously think about quitting.

Don't hang on to habits or relationships that drain you and damage your well-being. Take charge of your happiness and live your life on purpose. If this means walking away, then tie up those laces and get moving.

I would never encourage you to give up on people or situations that still need your patience and time. I'm not advocating for complete selfishness.

I'm trusting you to analyze the dynamics in your life and move forward with the ones worthy of your time and commitment and to QUIT those that aren't.

And as always....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopebouleard.com

Yes, It's Ok To Be Sad On Valentine's Day (But Only For A Minute)

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Sun, 06 Feb 2022 19:59:00 +0000

There are few holidays more stressful than Valentine’s Day.

There, I said it.

Sure, it’s supposed to be the best one. Full of love, romance, and candy!

But what if it’s not. What if Valentine’s Day stresses you out or makes you sad?

There’s a lot of pressure around this day signified by hearts and chubby cherubs wearing diapers with arrows.

If you are in a good relationship there is an expectation to at least do as good, if not better, than last year. Even though your partner may say not to worry about it and don’t do anything – you know deep down they want some outward display of your affections.

If you are in a new relationship – well that’s a whole new level of stress. How much is too much? How much is too little? Do you tip your hand and risk pushing them away? Do you hold back out of caution and risk pushing them away?

If you are in a bad relationship it’s just another sting to the heart. Another reminder of the pain and disappointment of feeling rejected, unworthy, or discarded. Any gesture is suspect and feels like a show for the outside world but you know the true story.

If you are single – then it’s easy to also feel defective. Or a failure. Even with the brave face and an independent spirit and even on days when you enjoy your freedom, Valentine’s Day can sometimes feel like an indictment of your self-worth or place in society.

And – yes. All of those scenarios sound negative. And – no. Not everyone feels that way regardless of which situation they are in. There are those who truly are happy and content in either their current relationship or their current single status.

BUT – there are those who aren’t. There are those who are sad. Confused. Anxious.

And what I’m here to tell you today is that it’s OK to feel that way.

You are not wrong, bad, ungrateful, selfish, or desperate if you are currently in a funky state about Valentine’s Day.

I give you permission to feel your feelings.

For a minute.

But that’s all.

Because there is so much more to this life (and relationships) than the actions and words expressed on this one calendar day of the year.

If you are in a good relationship – be proud of it. They take work and dedication to sustain. Don’t get caught up in the hype to “prove” your love. It’s obvious you show affection and attention all the other days to reach this sweet spot. Yes – do something extra nice to honor the day, but don’t make it a competition between the two of you to see who does more/better. And if your partner somehow fails to meet your pre-conceived notion of what they should have done; cut them some slack. If you feel valued and safe in a relationship don’t ask them to jump through hoops one day of the year.

Same advice if you are in a new relationship. Scale back the expectations. Stay off the social media posts where someone does a dramatic gesture just to pull at your heartstrings. Number one, you don’t know if it’s real. And number two, you don’t know the dynamic of their relationship. Don’t start keeping score at this early junction on their Valentine’s Day skills. (In fact, don’t start keeping score at all. It’s unhealthy and can easily backfire.)

If you want to give them something or do something special, then do it. Be respectful of where you think they might be emotionally. But a simple gesture is perfectly fine. Don’t use this day to rush into saying “I Love You”. If it’s time, fine, but always know that comes with a risk and might be better saved for a different day.

And if the other person doesn’t return with their own gesture or gift, try not to read too much into it. They were probably stressing (just like you) about what to do. Everyone brings their own fears and insecurities into new relationships. Don’t make a deal out of it. Don’t even bring it up. If they are a keeper, they will prove it in many more ways than a flower delivery or an overpriced, flashy card.

It’s a little more complicated if your relationship is strained. This day almost feels like a betrayal. You put your hopes, dreams, and commitment into your partner, and now things are falling apart. Maybe they have distanced themselves, or you just don’t feel it anymore. The reasons for either are too many to mention in this post. All I can say is relationships are hard. And they will go through valleys and rough spots. If it is just one of those; push through. Talk it out. Go to counseling. Pray about it.

Don’t do anything insincere or half-heartedly just because of the date. If you need to make amends, then do so. If you truly feel the relationship is over, then an honest conversation should take place. Ideally, not on Valentine’s Day, but don’t prolong the inevitable. And if the relationship has moved beyond strained and into abusive, then give yourself the best Valentine ever with the gift of loving yourself enough to move on.

NOW – for those of us who are single – it’s usually a mixed bag of feelings. Yay – we don’t have to spend money on trinkets or elaborate gestures. Yay – we don’t have the anxiety of the what/when/how.

BUT – there is also an inescapable truth on this day above all others, that we are un-partnered in this world. And that’s not always a good feeling. Sometimes it’s a downright rotten feeling.

Most February 14ths brush right on by me. I am usually not phased or flustered by it. I have been single for quite a while. Not always by design, but for mostly good reasons. I have adapted and accepted my current status. I’ve even adjusted pretty well, in my opinion. But this year it hit a little harder. I’m getting older. Maybe more tired. I’ve recently experienced situations that would have been made easier (maybe), if I had someone to kick ideas around with, hold my hand, and help me with things I’m not particularly good at.

This year I’m a little sad for Valentine Day’s to roll around. And, at first, I was mad at myself. Ashamed. How silly of me. But then I decided it was ok. My feelings were legit. Not terminal, but completely normal. And then I decided I couldn’t be the only one.

So I wanted to take this opportunity to tell you that it’s ok if you are not thrilled with the upcoming lover’s holiday. Regardless of your relationship status, if you are just not feeling it this year, own it.

Don’t wallow. No pity parties allowed. Your life (my life) is not defined by this one aspect. Take a moment (or two) to live in the moment. Then decide to move on to the next moment that is awaiting your attention.

Whatever it is in your life that makes you happy, fulfilled, joyful – that’s where you focus. Surround yourself with people who love you. (Because love is not confined to a romantic connection.) In fact, you can use this day to tell anyone you love – just that. That you love them. Support them. Appreciate them.

And then do something nice for yourself.

My Hopefuls, I give you permission to be sad, but not to stay sad.

Life is a beautiful, thrilling, one-of-a-kind adventure. Don’t let one day define you or your journey.

Be thankful, love others, and eat the candy!

And always….

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Is Your Life A Circus? (Then Learn To Be The Ringmaster)

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Sun, 23 Jan 2022 22:25:00 +0000

Do you ever feel like your life is a three-ring circus?

And when you feel that way, does that make you feel bad, overwhelmed, or stressed?

Why does the circus get such a bad rap? I mean, most people love a good circus and have for centuries.

In fact, the Romans were some of the first to have a circus, which is where the name comes from. It is the Latin word for circle.

What if I told you I WANTED your life to be like a circus?

Would you stop reading and move on? No. Don't. Hear me out!

A circus is actually pretty amazing. It is a collection of trained individuals who present a precise, organized, and choreographed show.

The key is to have an experienced Ringmaster to keep everything running smoothly.

That's where you come in! I'm betting you already possess the skills and wisdom to turn what you call a circus into a well-oiled life machine.

Come see what I mean.

I Bet You Are A Great Animal Trainer

Ok, I'm not going to call the children in your life animals, but I wouldn't be surprised if you hadn't thought it a time or two. (No judgment here, says the kettle.)

And while the animal rights groups have fought (as they should) to keep the treatment of circus animals safe and humane, I'm talking about a different type of training.

Our children (and grandchildren) do need training. The animals in the circus are taught to follow instructions and to heed certain guidance. They are given training and preparation for their moment in the spotlight.

Your kids need that same training. I'm obviously not advocating for mistreatment. Just stay in line with the theme here. Children need to be prepared for their entrance into the world as adults.

They need to be taught when to be polite, when to move forward, and when to stay still. They need to respect others around them and know when it is their turn to shine and their turn to help others shine.

Discipline and kindness are not inherent traits. They must both be taught and passed on to our children while they are young enough to absorb and then emulate them.

And speaking of training, let's talk about the other adults in your life. Friends, family, relationships. I don't expect you to try (or want to) 'train' or manipulate another person, but I am suggesting that we teach people how to treat us.

Set boundaries. Be consistent. Never tolerate abuse. Know the difference between a welcome mat and a doormat. Welcome others into your life, but don't allow them to wipe their dirt and trash all over you.

I Bet You Are A Great Tightrope Walker

I have terrible balance. I am not graceful. I can't skate. I can't dance. Walking the balance beam in high school gym class was something I hated, because I always, always, fell off.

How those people get up stories high under a circus top and walk across on a rope is beyond me. Not to mention the turns and flips they do while up there.

But I can tell you a thing or two about balance in the real world. And I'm pretty sure you can too. Today's world pulls us in several different directions. We have to work to stay focused on what's in front of us; the task at hand. Knowing what's important and what's foolishness.

Yes, we all need a break to regroup and refresh, but the strategy is to balance the good with the bad. The work with the fun. We have to learn to turn on a dime to put out one fire and then get right back to another one. To keep the priorities in the right order. It's a challenging task for sure.

And sometimes we slip. But we know we can't stay down. We have to get back up there. People depend on you. They count on you. And you do your very best to be there.

I Bet You Are A Great Juggler

Along with being able to walk a tight rope, you must also be an accomplished juggler.

Work, family, friends, finances, self-care time, how in the world do we all get it done and keep everything in the air?

You find a way! You know when to ask for help. You know when to say no. You know when to let something drop, and when it is ok to add it back in.

And the key is practice. Even the best jugglers in the world didn't start that way. They practiced, they dropped things, they kept honing their skill. You can do that too.

I Bet You Are A Great Clown

Now at face value, I know that doesn't sound like a compliment, but stay with me.

And honestly, clowns creep me out and on most occasions, I'm not a fan.

But the origin of the clown is not creepy; we've just made it that way in modern times.

And clowns were not jesters; which I did find interesting. A jester was someone who mocked or made jokes at their or others' expense. They were also typically thought to be fools.

A clown, on the other hand, was a professional performer whose job was to entertain people and make them laugh.

Now, again, I'm not saying it is your job to be a performer for the people around you, but I am saying that I'm willing to bet you do a great job at making people happy.

There are a million things you can do to help someone, but making them laugh or smile is often more memorable than a completed task.

Putting people at ease. Being kind-hearted. Being quick to offer a pleasant response. Being joyful. Always doing your best to spread happiness to those you love.

Be Your Own Ringmaster

My Hopefuls, life is challenging. And stressful. And busy. And beautiful.

You have opportunities every day to do/say something positive or do/say something negative. You can't always choose what happens to you, but your reaction to it is always your choice.

Maybe your life does feel like a circus. Maybe the animals are restless and hungry. Maybe the tightrope is getting slack. Maybe your juggling skills need refined. And maybe your clown does feel more like a jester.

DON'T GIVE UP!

Embrace the circus. Become your own Ringmaster. Take back charge of your life. If you need help with organizing; there are apps and other tools for that. If you need better parenting strategies; there are classes and books for that.

If you've lost your own smile or happiness, then work to find it back. Through a break. Through counseling. Whatever works best for you.

We all only get one life. Circus or not, we owe it to ourselves to make the best of it.

I believe in you, and I look forward to seeing you under Life's Big Top!

And until then...

Always

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Your Life Is Beside The Point (And So Much More Than A Dot)

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Thu, 20 Jan 2022 11:14:00 +0000

Now before you start scratching your head or crafting your strong rebuttal, hear me out. I promise you, it’s good news.

While scrolling (or trolling, depending on your outlook) Facebook recently, I ran across an article that described a professor and an experiment he assigned to his class.

He walked in, told everyone there was a pop quiz, and handed out the test paper, face down. He then had them all turn the paper over at the same time, only to find the paper blank save one small dot in the middle.

The assignment was to describe what they saw. The students were confused and waited for the catch, but finally set out to complete the task. When they had finished, he gathered all the papers up and began reading them, out loud to the class.

Collectively, the entire group had all written about the same thing, the dot. They gave details on the size, color, position on the paper. There was great emphasis and time spent on the dot. And nothing at all on the rest of the pristine, clean sheet of paper.

I could ask if any of you were guilty of that; seeing and then focusing on the one, tiny blemish in an otherwise large, beautiful scene, but I already know the answer. Because you are human – we are human, we all are guilty. Why is that?

As richly blessed as most of us are, why do we push aside the good, the lovely, the joyful, and hone in with laser point precision on the trials and the struggles? Are we damaged, ungrateful, selfish? As it turns out, probably not. This is actually a hard-wired response from our brain’s processing center.

There was a study done at Ohio State where participants were shown images that would register delight (playing puppies, a gorgeous sunrise) and then images that would register dismay (burn victims, starving children), and the electronic responses in the cerebral cortex were recorded. The negative images had a much higher surge of activity. This suggests that even while we appreciate the good, exposure to the bad makes a greater impact on our lives.

The reasoning is quite basic and dates back to the beginnings of mankind. Their daily survival depended on the ability to quickly and accurately pinpoint a threat and find a way to escape it, or neutralize it. The brain developed a unique threat assessment warning system that still exists today. This can be helpful in real-life fight-or-flight scenarios, but wreak havoc in our everyday existence.

There is a common phrase used when describing a situation where someone is worried about the immaterial and irrelevant stuff; that’s beside the point. Now I am not suggesting that the obstacles and problems in your life are immaterial; I understand we all face mountains that need climbing. However, we should be careful to appreciate the total landscape and not just the mountain.

Our journeys are filled with many glorious and precious gifts; family, friends, health, sustenance, integrity, values, love, talents, and all of these are laid out on the glorious sheet that is your LIFE.

These are bright and shining testaments to your motivation, spirit, and hard work. When the moments come, and they will, where a small dot mars your sheet, it suddenly becomes the only thing we see. It jumps off the page and into our minds where, if we are not careful, we can focus only on the mar and forget the rest of the marvelous sheet. It is imperative we take steps to recognize and re-channel this response. How is this accomplished?

The same Ohio State researcher noted in order to not be overwhelmed with the bad, we had to counter-balance with the positive; only the ratio is not 50-50 as one might think. The actual ‘scientific’ number is more like 5 – 1; meaning we need to consciously register and appreciate five positive things to offset one negative. That may seem like a giant task considering how stressful it is to just watch the news, much less open your front door every morning, but, my dear Hopefuls, I absolutely believe it can be achieved.

There is beauty all around us. It is our responsibility to notice and fully appreciate it. Lift your head up away from your phone and look around. Take in a sunrise, go for a walk, savor a fine meal, find a winding road for an afternoon drive with the top down, call a friend, or your kids, or your grandkids. Pick up a forgotten hobby, or pursue a new one.

Become part of another’s beauty by reaching out. Volunteer, help someone in need, offer advice, be the reason someone smiles. Re-train your eyes not to see the dot in the center of your page, but all the loveliness that surrounds it. Focus on all the ‘good’ that is ‘beside the point’; because that is where your true life and happiness is. All around the dot.

The bad may not ever completely go away. You will still have health issues and deal with hurt, loss, and disappointment. The dot will grow larger at times and then shrink back down. The point is, for the vast majority of us, everything else around the dot will always outshine it. That is the good news for living beside the point.

My friends, our goal for today is to see beyond the dot; to experience all the glorious and wonderful things that inhabit the rest of your page. Love fiercely. Show kindness. Revel in the goodness that is your life. Dwell beside and beyond the point; owning your joy. Live your best life now; today!

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

Are You Living In Fear? How To Distinguish Healthy VS Unhealthy Fear

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Sun, 16 Jan 2022 17:26:00 +0000

Are you afraid of something right now? The future, your finances, a health crisis, concern for someone you care about? Worried about the state of a relationship?

If you said no, then you are probably either lying to yourself or me.

Most of us are dealing with a certain amount of fear every day. Some are rational, healthy, and keep us on the right track. But some are crippling, unproductive, and can stall out your life.

I, for one, am concerned about the future. Just a few years back, all I really worried about was making sure my 401K was growing and I was counting the years to retirement and spending my days writing to you from somewhere warm and breezy.

Now it seems every day there is something new popping up to steal our attention and our joy. There is so much strife, uncertainty, division, and anger in the world. It's understandable that we are more anxious.

The key is to learn to separate the healthy from the unhealthy fear around us. That allows us to focus our energy on things we can control and release ourselves from the burden of those things we can't. Let's take a moment to discover the difference.

Healthy Fear

A good dose of healthy fear keeps us from being stupid (most of the time). We try to live within the law to avoid legal trouble. We manage health issues to keep us feeling good and out of the hospital. We are aware of our surroundings to self-protect. We treat those closest to us with love and respect to keep them in our lives.

Fear is also biological. Our bodies are hard-wired to respond to danger with a shot of adrenaline and a 'fight or flight' reaction. This jump-start allows us to pay attention and deal with the pending crisis. It alerts us to danger. And it gives us the motivation to prepare for future events.

Healthy fear is based on a real problem - with a real solution.

Unhealthy Fear

There are a few other words that can replace 'fear' in your mind. Stress. Anxiety. Worry. Panic. Even Phobia. When fear takes this dark turn, it often becomes unhealthy and of no real value.

This type of fear is not only crippling emotionally, it sits under an umbrella of hopelessness, because the very basis of unhealthy fear is knowing you can't do anything about it. It's a vicious cycle.

Like I said earlier, I do worry about my financial future and stability. But I can't spend all my time obsessing over it. There are so many factors out of my control. I can try to make good decisions and stay informed, but I can't let the panic suck out all the joy I have in each day.

It's the same with my health. I'm not going to spend hours on Google searching every symptom I have to see what tragic ending awaits me. Again, I can do what I know to be healthy and follow my doctor's advice, but I have to focus on living today!

We can also experience unhealthy fear in our relationships. As parents, we spend half our time preparing our kids to go out in the world, and the other half trying to keep them away from the world. The fear for our children is legit, but it can't be crushing, either to them or you.

Within reason, and with proper precautions, you have to trust them to follow your guidance and find their way. Micro-parenting and trying to predict and solve every problem before it happens, does not adequately prepare them for the real world.

We can also micro-manage our love relationships out of an unhealthy fear. For those who have been betrayed or mistreated in the past, it can start a damaging cycle of trying to make sure you are never hurt again. that makes sense

That's almost impossible to ensure and can easily turn into controlling and manipulating behavior which is very likely to damage the relationship, or run them away. The aftermath of your previous experiences is real, no doubt. But be careful not to let your unhealthy fear punish away the one person in your life who has promised to be there and have your back. if the person has not given you

So with the many and various layers of fear, what are the best coping skills? How do you manage the fear?

How To Deal Handle Fear

The biggest problem is you just can't see around the bend. You truly have no idea what is coming, and that is scary.

And so far, there hasn't been any handwriting on my wall either to tell me what to do. (Did you know the Old Testament tells of a time when the Jews were in captivity. The King in charge was in his chambers one day when a hand (yes, just a hand) appeared and started writing on the wall. It foretold the punishment for his wrong deeds.) Talk about a fearful experience!!

But even with the uncertainty, there are still things we can do to keep fear from controlling our lives.

First - pray about it. I can't promise you the answer will appear instantly or all your problems with disappear. But I can tell you that God cares, listens, and provides a peace that nothing else comes close to.

Second - take a good hard look at your fears and determine which ones are healthy and which ones are not. The best test is to decide if there is anything concrete you can actually do about the problem.

If there is, then do it. Save the money. Be smarter in your decisions. Take back control of your health. Get help for addiction issues. Take parenting classes. Go to marriage counseling. Enroll in a self-defense course. Face your phobias.

Pay attention to the events around you, locally and globally. Not obsessively, but to understand and prepare. Don't stick your head in the sand. Knowledge is power. And that power runs away the fear.

And for the things you can't control. Learn to let it go. If this means help from a therapist, then do it! Or talk to someone you trust.

If you have panic attacks, develop a coping strategy to shorten their intensity and length. Learn how to be mindful and appreciate the good things in your life.

If you need medicine, don't be ashamed to ask for help.

Because here's the thing. We will never totally eliminate fear from our lives. But we can choose to manage it, or it will manage us.

My Hopefulfs, I struggle with this too. Uncertain times and global unrest are not easy to shrug off. And I'm not suggesting you flippantly disregard reality. I just want us all to live today to the fullest. Enjoy our loved ones. Be thankful for our blessings. Dwell in the present.

Yes, prepare, the best you can, for the future, but don't let it rob you of joy and HOPE today!

And as always...

Hope WIth Abandon!

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Stop Chasing Field Mice (4 Things Not Worth Your Time)

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Sun, 09 Jan 2022 19:13:00 +0000

Have you ever had a mouse in your house? Did you almost kill yourself trying to get rid of it! (Raises hand)

It's kinda crazy too because it's so small. It's not like it's going to hurt me but just seeing it scurrying and flitting around so fast makes me nervous. Like, where is it going to go next. And don't get me started on the horror if it runs between my feet.

I think part of the problem is that they move so FAST!

In the animal kingdom, the lion is also pretty fast. And check out this little piece of tidbit trivia. A lion can actually CATCH a field mouse.

Lions are carinivores. Which means a low-carb diet is their go-to thing. And technically a field mouse counts as meat. But for the mighty lion, it pretty much amounts to the equivalent of a Mickey McNugget. (I know that was bad, but I couldn't resist.)

And the energy and calories expended to catch this tiny morsel outweigh any nutritional value. In fact, it creates a deficit.

So even though the lion CAN catch a field mouse, it's not worth his time.

Can you identify with that lion? Are you chasing things in your life that use up too much energy and create an emotional or even physical deficit? Are you wasting your precious time trying to catch something that will do you more harm than good?

Let's look at 4 things not worth your time and energy.

1. Stop Chasing Approval

We all need to be accepted. And we want to be loved and appreciated by others. But you shouldn't have to chase after these things.

Don't be one of those people who spend countless hours trying to take the perfect selfie or post the funniest meme just to go back and count how many 'likes' and comments you received. Your self-worth cannot be centered around how other people respond (or if they don't).

Don't put yourself in compromising positions trying to fit in. This includes both your personal and professional life. You must be willing to stick to your beliefs and convictions. You have to be strong enough to stand against the differing ideas of others.

It's hard to believe today with all the hype - but two mature people can still agree to disagree on a subject and still be civil and kind. If someone is willing to make you an enemy because you don't see things the same way they do, then walk (very far) away.

Stop playing the role of a people pleaser. I am guilty of this more than most. I try to avoid conflict. I want smooth waters. So I put up with and overlook things to keep all the cogs moving. But sometimes the cogs need to STOP moving.

Being a people pleaser does not guarantee anyone will like or approve of you. It simply means you are on the fast track to have others take you for granted, or worse, take advantage of you.

Yes. Be kind. Yes. Be fair. Yes. Go above and beyond for the good of others. I'm not advocating selfishness. I'm advocating for you to be one of the many people you work so hard to please. Be good to yourself!

Worry so much less on the opinion and approval of others, and work towards inner peace and a clear mind and heart. The people who are supposed to be in your life will accept you just the way you are.

2. Stop Chasing Someone Else's Dream

Most of us have an inner drive. A dream. A goal. We have a passion to make a difference or express our individuality. My passion is Hope Boulevard. Even on days when I feel like giving up, I hold on to the thought of that one person who might find 'hope' from something I do or say.

But some of you have put your dream on hold to pursue what someone else has told you to do.

This could be a child giving in to the pressure of a parent who insists they play a sport when they really want to play the piano. Parents, let your kids find their own way. Yes, guide them. And it's ok to have them finish a course/season they started. But stop short of forcing them to continue what does not bring them joy. It will only build resentment.

This could be a young adult being afraid of disappointing their family by not following the career path once talked about. Family expectations weigh heavily on young minds. But it's ok to follow your heart. Your life's work should be something that fulfills YOU.

This could be a spouse/partner who stops chasing their passion because of ridicule or indifference. I truly hope that the person you choose to walk through life with supports your goals, but if they don't, keep going anyway. Now, there is often a time when one partner has to put their dreams on hold so the other can excel. However, that sacrifice should be rewarded and returned when possible.

It is great to ask for guidance. Listen to the advice of others, especially those with more experience and wisdom. Consider their points. But at the end of the day, you are responsible for the choices and decisions you make.

3. Stop Chasing Another's Heart

This is a tricky one. There's a difference between and lovingly and actively pursuing a love interest and obsessively stalking someone who is not interested in you.

It is a human nature trait to value something you earned, worked for, went after. So it is ok to show excitement and affection for someone you are dating or would like to date. The balance there is they are showing the same excitement back.

I am completely against 'playing hard to get'. It is confusing and a waste of time. If someone shows interest, and you return that interest, then let them know. If you don't, then, again, let them know.

And if someone tells you (or shows you), that they are not romantically interested in you, then move on!

Don't expend your emotional energy and resources where they are not wanted. It is not realistic to expect to wear them down and then win them over. If it takes that much work to get them, you won't have anything left to maintain the relationship.

There is someone out there who will appreciate the effort you put in. Learn when it is time to let go. Desperation is never attractive.

4. Stop Chasing Revenge

A very popular movie plot is based on the theme of the hero losing something dear and spending 1.5 hours plotting and exacting revenge.

By the end of the movie, they feel vindicated and all is right with the world.

That might work well in the realm of cinema, but in real life, it seldom turns out that way.

Yes, when someone wrongs us, or those we love, we take a personal interest in bringing them down. Making them pay. Finding justice. And there are times when justice is needed. But you need to let that happen through the proper channels.

More often, what is needed is a time of healing and then forward movement. Stop spending time working on ways to inflict pain on someone else. Your days are too valuable and limited to waste them on someone who has hurt you.

It is ok, and maybe even helpful, to express your hurt and disappointment to them. You have the right to be heard. But then put it behind you. Let life, natural consequences, or God handle whatever happens to them next.

Be happy. Be at peace. Turn the page. Learn your lessons. Stop chasing the high you think you will feel even if you succeed. An eye for an eye seldom brings the satisfaction you are looking for. You are still left with the original pain and you have spent valuable time down in the mud with them. Clean yourself up and let it go.

Learn To Recognize Your Emotional Field Mice

I just mentioned a few things. I'm sure there are other examples of things we waste time on that are not worth the effort.

Take a hard look at where you invest your time and energy. Does the reward equal the effort? Are there other goals more befitting and honoring of who you want to be? Pursue those!

You are the King/Queen of your life. Leave the pesky field mice running around alone. You have better things to do and bigger dreams to chase!

And as always...

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

How To Clean Your Emotional Closet (4 Things To Clear Out For The New Year)

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Sun, 02 Jan 2022 23:23:00 +0000

Are you one of those who use the New Year to re-organize and throw out things you no longer want/use?

Do you spend hours going through drawers, cabinets, closets in an attempt to keep your life in order?

Is it your goal to cut down on the clutter and chaos and live a more minimalistic lifestyle?

If you actually achieve this let me how you did it! I'm terrible at it!

Did you know there are other 'things' you can get rid of as the New Year dawns that can make your life easier, more productive, and peaceful? Do you need to clean out your emotional closet? Those are things I CAN help you with. Read on!

Trim Your Friend's List

We all want to have friends and make connections. And for some, the number of 'friends' on their social media feels like an indicator of how popular and accepted they are. But that's not always the case.

It is super easy to hit the "Add" or "Follow" buttons. You do it for people you don't even know, and others do it as well. It is an easy (and mindless) activity to scroll through social media and see the posts, pictures, and comments of everyone on your list. But in reality, how productive or beneficial is that?

Social media stress is a real thing. Spending too much time 'invested' in the lives of others can not only be a waste of time but also affect your self-esteem. Most people don't have the perfect life they post about. And whether we realize it or not, we subconsciously compare our lives/stories/families with those on our newsfeed.

So I said all that to say, why not go through your friend's list and trim it down. Make it truly be friends and family that you desire to connect with. If you don't know them or have outgrown them, unfriend them. It's not a reflection of their value of a person, just who they are in your world.

And let's go one step further, and examine the 'real-time' friends you hang out with. Have you grown apart with some? Have circumstances or situations caused a rift? The word toxic is thrown around way too much, but sometimes there are just people who bring you down more than lift you up.

It is ok to limit your time and emotional resources on those who bring tension, hassle or drama into your life. You don't need a huge confrontation. Just quietly distance yourself and stick with those who truly value you.

Throw Out The Bad Attitudes

Just like you throw out the clothes in your closet that don't fit or are frayed and torn, it's time to throw out those destructive attitudes.

It is often true that we are our own worse enemies. The things we say to ourselves is usually way more damaging than the things said by others.

Let's start the new year by throwing out negative self-talk and harmful attitudes.

Stop saying: I CAN'T. No, you probably can't do everything, No one can. But you are stronger and more resilient than you give yourself credit for. Try it out and see for yourself.

Stop saying: I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH. You are not broken. Yes, there may be a few cracks, bruises (or in my case, age spots), but you are worthy of love, joy, and acceptance. Everyone's journey is different, but no one gets out unscathed. Be proud of your scars and the lessons they taught you.

Don't judge others for what you don't know about them, and don't allow someone to judge you for what they don't know.

Steer clear of jealousy. If you have a valid reason not to trust someone, then don't trust THEM. Don't punish everyone else in the process. And for those who appear to have it better or easier, be happy for them. Jealousy is a very bad look.

Stop playing the victim. It is true that someone may have wronged you. Pick up the pieces and move on. Don't milk it for sympathy or attention. That stunts your emotional growth. And sometimes what we claim as bad luck is simply consequences for mistakes or bad choices. Own both the good and bad decisions and keep moving forward.

Let Go Of The Past

Nothing clogs up your life's closet like excess emotional baggage. Dig it out and let it go.

Forgive those who hurt you. What if they don't ask for it? Doesn't matter. It's for YOU and your peace of mind; not theirs.

Forgive yourself for mistakes. Seriously, I've done so many things the wrong way. But I can't wallow around feeling defeated. We all have to dust ourselves off and move forward. You will never be perfect. But you must always be persistent.

Move on from people, events, or situations that you can't fix or control. An abusive relationship. A dead-end job. Fear of failure. Make healthy decisions for your future that include self-love, self-care, and plenty of love for those who support and encourage you.

Change Your Definition Of Happiness

As the world around us spirals frantically in so many directions, we are left to try and keep up. The Most. The Best. The Top. The Biggest. If we just get 'IT', we will be happy.

Yeah, see, that never works. Because there is always the next thing down the line.

For this new year, change the way you define happiness.

Things won't make you happy; experiences will.

People won't always make you happy; memories will.

Status won't make you happy; personal accomplishments will.

A clear mind. A full heart. A calm spirit. THOSE will reshape your view of happiness.

And Happiness is what I wish for you!

My Hopefuls, I wish for each of you a year filled with love, joy, and especially HOPE.

I know each day won't look or feel like the best day ever. But each day is a blessing. Each day is an opportunity. And each day offers you the chance to be kind, do good, and make a difference.

Clean out your emotional closet of anything that weighs you down, stops your creativity, stifles your spirit, or chokes out your love. Keep it open for all the good things this year will bring you!

And, as always......

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Believing The Unbelievable - A Not So Silent Night You Can Relate To

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Mon, 20 Dec 2021 17:20:00 +0000

Has doubt ever invaded your heart?

Do you ever question your purpose? Path? Choices? Circumstances?

Did you know you are not alone?

Did you know the most famous mother of all time, Mary, also struggled with acceptance and believing the unbelievable?

For most of us, depictions of the nativity scene show a serene setting, with calm and stately adults surrounding a sleeping baby.

But I'm not so sure that rendition is entirely accurate. It most certainly was a holy night, but I wouldn't bet so much on a silent night. Mary and Joseph had to travel out of town in her 9th month of pregnancy for a census. (You know how today we fill out a form that comes in the mail? Yeah, they didn't have that back then. Joseph had to actually GO to his hometown to be counted.)

That town, Bethlehem, was crowded. Census time brought in people from everywhere and all the restaurants and inns were full of loud and boisterous people. And what did those noisy people ride into town on? Loud and boisterous animals. And where did those noisy animals spend the night?

The stable.

But I got ahead of myself. Let's start from the beginning.

As I stated above, most photos of Mary and Joseph, have them both being adults. And Joseph probably was, but most likely Mary was still a teenage girl. In the custom of those days, girls became engaged or 'betrothed' in the early to mid-teen years.

Now think of a teenage girl you know before reading any further.

In the culture at the time of Jesus' birth, women's rights were not quite as advanced as they are today. They didn't receive higher education, hold jobs outside the home, and they certainly didn't get visited by angels! And not just any angel. Gabriel was pretty high up the archangel ladder and yet he took a short business trip at God's command to visit young Mary with an unbelievable message.

The Bible doesn't really describe the setting, but it does say Gabriel appeared. So it wasn't a dream. Or just a thought or 'quickening' in her heart. He actually showed up in Nazareth where she lived. Now I don't know about you, but at 57 I'd be pretty freaked out if an angel showed up at my home. So you can imagine that young Mary was pretty terrified.

Gabriel reassured her all was well. That he had good news. That Mary had found favor with God and she was chosen to be the one to bring the Son of Man into the world.

This was one heavenly gender reveal!

Except there was one problem. She was still a virgin.

No problem, Gabriel said. God's got this. This was going to be a holy in vitro.

Now, this was a heavy bit of news for this teenage girl. I mean, how could this possibly be real. Maybe the goat milk was spiked. Or the lamb chops had gone bad. You gotta remember, she didn't have the benefit of knowing what we know. She couldn't jump ahead a few chapters and know what was going to happen.

She had to accept this news on FAITH! She had to believe the unbelievable.

Then she had to face Joseph.

Can you imagine how that conversation went?

"So Joseph sweetie. You are never going to believe what happened to me today. I had lunch with Gabriel, the angel, and I'm going to give birth to the Savior of the world."

You know that moment in the movies when one of the characters hears news that is too incredible to believe and everything just slows down and the camera closes in on their expression of disbelief. That turns to suspicious, and then wary, and then even anger.

Yep, that's how Joseph felt.

"Surrreeee........ An 'angel' visited you today and said you were going to have a baby. Right! Who is this Gabriel guy and how could you do this to me? I will be the laughingstock of the town. My fiance is having a baby and I've only stolen a few kisses behind the barn!"

I mean, you get it right? This was a big deal. His (and her) reputations were on the line. His carpenter business could suffer if word got out. And he certainly didn't want to raise another man's child.

See, we have the benefit of the neat and tidy version from the Bible. And we know the reasons and the wonder of it. But at that moment, both of their lives were in turmoil and Joseph was trying to 'handle' the situation. He was trying to find a way to move on with his life and still keep Mary from being a social outcast.

He fell into a troubled sleep and then Gabriel shows up again in a dream. He confirms that everything that Mary had told him was true. He encouraged him to stay the course. He assures him that all of this is God's divine plan and that he and Mary were chosen and highly favored.

So even though Mary and Joseph are now on the same page, it is still not an easy page to be on. There is still gossip, disapproving glances, whispers. There isn't any mention of how their families reacted, but you know this was highly unusual and a heavy burden to bear.

And yet still teenage Mary continues to believe. I mean, it's hard not to. She is still a virgin and yet baby Jesus is growing inside her. But there had to have been hard days. Of confusion. Fear. The "why me". The inexplicable pressure of raising the Son of God.

There must have been days when the crushing stress and fear of failure caused tremendous tension on their relationship. Yet she believed.

Then came the trip to Bethlehem. Very late in her pregnancy. No comfy car to ride in. No midwife to travel with them. And once they got there, no room at the inn.

As her labor pains started, she found herself surrounded by smelly animals in a stable that was definitely less than sterile. No ice chips. No epidural. Just a scared teenage girl in a dirty stall laying on the ground. While the world around her was oblivious to the miracle happening in the most humble of places, she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. And to keep from putting him on the ground also, Joseph made room in a food trough (manger) to put him in.

At that moment Mary probably questioned everything she thought was true. Surely the King of the world would not be born in a stinky stable all alone. He should be born in a palace and she should have help and servants. This is not how she envisioned it.

Does that sound familiar? Has life not exactly turned out the way you thought?

Yet, Mary held on to the hope and news she received that day those months ago. And she believed that God would turn this questionable beginning to unquestionable wonder.

So, you might ask, how does my retelling of the Christmas story (with a little creative license) have to do with your life? You most likely were not visited by an angel and not asked to be a famous and integral part of the history of the world.

But you still play an integral part in YOUR world and with your family and friends. And I'm willing to bet you still have doubts. Of your place in this world. Of God's plan for your life. Of your ability to handle whatever you are going through.

And that's ok, because everyone struggles with fear. Loneliness. Doubt. It's hard to believe that everything is going to be alright. This time of the year especially brings out insecurities and hurt feelings and problems seem to grow.

But just like Mary believed, I want you to believe. That you are strong enough. That you are capable. That this world needs you and your contribution and your light.

That God will give you the grace and strength to handle your circumstances.

That the world's whispers don't matter. That where you find yourself today, however humble, will not be where you stay. That you have a future and God has a plan.

Your struggles and fears are real. I'm not asking you to ignore them. But I am telling you to not give up. Give it your best every day. Show up. Be consistent. Be the best version of you.

And even if, and when, good things seem too good to be true, and unbelievable....'

I'm asking you to BELIEVE!

And to always....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Compromise or Coercion - The Fine Line That Can Ruin A Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Sun, 14 Nov 2021 23:12:00 +0000

A relationship, by definition, is the coming together of two distinct individuals.

As such, each person brings their own ideals, values, habits, and idiosyncrasies.

It is impossible and unrealistic to think or expect two people to agree on everything.

If that were the case, there would never be another Hallmark movie, heartbreak song, or counseling hotlines and therapy sessions.

The truth is, we have to learn the art of compromise.

But did you know that compromise in the wrong hands or with the wrong intentions can quickly turn into coercion?

Let's look at the difference.

The quick difference is that compromise involves both parties working together, while coercion finds one person with the power and the other feeling helpless.

Coercion Can Be Masked To Look Like Compromise

Let me start by saying that not everyone who resorts to coercion has devious or harmful intentions. Many times it is an act of desperation. Someone who feels the relationship is slipping through their fingers will oftentimes try anything to keep from losing their partner. Even if their very acts almost guarantee that result.

Co-dependents commonly use coercion to gain control and convince their partners to meet their very plentiful and exhaustive needs.

Narcissists are the most obvious examples of purposeful coercion.

The conversation centers on what THEY need, how THEY feel, and what YOU must do to prove your love, commitment, and loyalty.

They introduce the topic as an act of compromise, when in fact its sole purpose is to convince you to come over to their way of thinking.

This closely mimics control and manipulation. "If you love me, your will....., you won't.....etc"

If someone is asking you to constantly prove your love by doing something that goes against your nature, personality, or values, then it is not compromise. It is coercion. And you are most likely being bullied.

True Compromise Benefits Both Parties

The key to whether a conversation is rooted in compromise is the ability to truly listen to the other person. To set aside pre-conceived ideas about what's fair or what you want, and really hear what they need, want, or can offer.

If both sides truly want what's best for their partners, and not just seeking to win a competition or get their way, then true progress can be made.

It is win-win for both parties when each feels valued, understood, and knows the other person is willing to sacrifice on occasion for their benefit. That softens the times for when the sacrifice is then required of them.

Appreciation for the concession is a vital component of continued successful compromise.

What Are Some Examples Of Compromise vs Coercion

Family Get-Togethers

When it comes to the holidays and family celebrations, it can be tricky to navigate who goes where and when. There are a million variations of family dynamics, but family is one thing that can truly cause a rift in a relationship.

A compromise fairly negotiates how holidays and celebrations are handled. Whether it is every other year, or your turn to host, or separate visits. There really isn't a wrong way as long as the decision is mutual and reasonable.

Coercion comes into play when one person uses manipulation or guilt to always get their way. "My family is closer than yours." "You don't even like your brother." "Your mom hates me." These are statements made to convince one partner that their wishes are not as important.

Another subtle form of coercion is to change plans suddenly when it's their turn to compromise. They suddenly don't feel like going, or forgot and made other plans. It's not an outright refusal, but a last minute plea to get off the hook 'this time'.

Introvert vs Extrovert Date Night

They say opposites attract, and few things are more opposite than dating an introvert if you are an extrovert. Almost everything about how you two view life is from opposing vantage points.

That doesn't mean the relationship is doomed, but it does mean that one person will most likely be either uncomfortable or dissatisfied on date night. So it is important to honor their sacrifice and then graciously offer yours.

The obvious compromise is one date night is planned by the extrovert and the other by the introvert. There should be some ground rules in place beforehand so no one is thrown into a completely awkward situation. Then each partner makes the most of each date.

Coercion rears its ugly head when someone agrees to this arrangement, but then doesn't follow through on their end. They make excuses. Or worse, they complain or refuse to fully engage in the plan. They say "I tried, but you know I hate to ......"

If you don't truly believe you can follow through with a specific plan, then re-negotiate BEFORE the date. Don't wait until you are in the middle of it, or just before it starts, and back out.

Sexual Differences

This is a touchy subject and not one I dive into often. It is also a subject where coercion is highly masked as compromise.

Sexual wishes, desires, and needs are varied and highly individual. It is always a good idea to have an honest and open conversation about this when the relationship has progressed to this point.

It is unfair to you and your partner to hide or disguise things that will eventually become important or a potential issue.

And here is where it becomes tricky - compromise takes the form of when, how often, etc. Each person has the absolute right to decide 'now' does not work for them. Now, in a loving relationship, they also understand the needs and desires of their partner and will work to make the 'rejection' less stinging and then make it up to them as soon as they can.

Coercion is heart-breaking and even dangerous in this arena. It seeks to shape the conversation based only on what one person wants. They try to convince their partner to engage in actitivites without respect for their comfort level or boundaries.

They use phrases like, "Just try it for me." "Don't be a prude." "If you want me to stay happy, then do...." "You did it before, what's the problem now?"

It is perfectly fine if you want to try something new. It is equally fine, once you try it, if you don't want to do it again. Exploration MUST be mutual. Your love is not proven by how many shades of gray you like.

What If There IS No Compromise

The hard truth is that certain issues can't be resolved by compromise. There are some principles and values that do not have wiggle room or bargaining power. They are just that important.

If you are attempting to be in a relationship with someone who has opposing views on those matters, you need to face the fact that the relationship is not meant to be.

That doesn't mean the other person is bad, misguided, or doesn't love you. It means you are not both on the same page, and trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole will never truly make either one happy in the long term.

My Hopefuls, I only touched on a few drops in the massive ocean that encompasses compromise in a relationship. And it isn't only romantic relationships that require compromise. Every relationship - friendship, family, work - all require give and take to become successful.

The key is balance and fairness. If you are always the one giving in and sacrificing, then it isn't compromise, you are being coerced. And it is unhealthy and damaging. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and right the ship before it is too late.

Never let someone take your good nature for granted and always stay true to your principles.

And always....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Forgiveness Is A Verb - How You Can Choose To Let Go Of Hurt

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Sun, 07 Nov 2021 22:56:00 +0000

Has anyone ever hurt you? Mistreated you? Betrayed you? Taken advantage of you?

If you have lived longer than five minutes on this earth, someone has probably wronged you in some way.

Whether it was reckless, a misstep, or an outright deliberate act, we have all been on the receiving end of someone's hurtful actions. Today I want to spend just a few minutes talking about moving on from that - in the form of FORGIVENESS.

Most people think of forgiveness as an emotion. Being a sensitive gal myself, I'm all about some feelings. I can do heart emojis for days scrolling through feel-good social media posts.

But if we wait until we FEEL like forgiving someone, it's like waiting for the next season premiere of our favorite Netflix binge obsession. An eternity.

No - we can't rely on our feelings to determine when, or if, to forgive. Just like we've all heard countless times how love is a verb - so is forgiveness. It is an action that allows you to move past the pain, heal, and find balance again in your life.

So, you may ask, why do I have to do all the work? Why do I have to take the steps/action/movement? They are living their life like nothing ever happened? Why do I have to let them off the hook without consequences?

Because.....

Not Forgiving Is A Cancer That Devours YOU

Bitterness starts to grow and then spread when unforgiveness is left to fester. And the thing about bitterness is that it doesn't just contaminate your life - it flows out of you and touches the other relationships in your life. Relationships that had nothing to do with the original wrongdoing. You then start to hurt the wrong people.

Holding onto hurts or a grudge does very little, if any, damage to the one who wounded you. They may not even know you are hurt. It could have been an offhanded comment that you took wrong or a simple misunderstanding. Even if it was intentional, and they know what they did, don't waste another second waiting for them to express remorse.

Their remorse (or even acceptance) is not a requirement for your forgiveness to work.

Forgiveness is the anti-venom to bitterness. It allows you to release the pain. It frees up space in your heart and mind that was held hostage with anger. Forgiveness is like opening the door to a damp, musty room and allowing all the bad particles to escape and all the fresh, clean air to come pouring in.

Forgiveness Is A Choice

In addition to a verb, forgiving someone is a choice. We make choices every day; big ones and small ones. We live a life of intentions.

We choose to go to work or school. We choose to be kind to our loved ones. We choose to make decisions that keep us safe, happy, and healthy.

And sometimes one of these choices is to forgive someone. Be specific. Be intentional. And the best part is, they don't even have to know. Of course, if it is someone you currently have a relationship with, it is definitely wise to try and have a discussion and possibly even a resolution.

But if that isn't possible, that doesn't have to stop you. Some hurts fester for years. Some pain is pushed down into our deepest parts. If the person who damaged you isn't around anymore - YOUR healing is still available with the act of forgiveness.

Forgiveness Is Not Forgetting

The truth is, it is the ones closest to us that hurt us the most. Face it, a stranger who makes a mean comment does not cut to the heart nearly as fast or deep as someone who knows us.

It is that intimate knowledge of us from those in our circle that allows them to know just how to offend and scar us. So even though you make the decision to forgive, you can cut yourself some slack in the forgetting department.

Forgiveness is not an erase button. It isn't even necessarily require a do-over. If the betrayal or injury was intentional and severe, you can make another choice. The choice to no longer have a relationship with that person.

If that person is family, and you can't completely distance yourself physically, you can certainly limit your interactions with them.

Learning to trust that person again is possible, and if both parties are willing to work towards that end, then that's a beautiful thing. But don't feel pressured or obligated to pretend.

Your emotional health and peace of mind if your ultimate goal. Not soothing their ego.

Don't Forget To Forgive Yourself

It has been my experience, literally, that the hardest person to forgive is the one in the mirror.

We often hold ourselves to a higher standard than anyone around us. Not sure exactly why that is, but it is still true.

And if you haven't messed up yet - believe me when I say you will. We all make bad decisions, with damaging consequences. And the key to getting past them is to own your misguided choices, forgive yourself, take a deep breath, and move forward.

And on that note, if your reflections cause you to realize you have harmed someone else, it is then on you to ask for their forgiveness. This doesn't guarantee they will, but at least you know you tried.

My Hopefuls, I understand all too well the pain of living with unresolved bitterness and anger. We expect the people in our lives to treat us with respect and return the love with pour into them. The truth is, though, it doesn't always happen that way.

Forgiving someone who hurt us is oftentimes the only way we can move forward into our life and future. Resentment follows like a dark cloud just waiting to erupt into a dangerous storm. Don't allow it to stay.

Turn the tables. Stand up to the bitterness. Recognize the power YOU have. Forgiving someone does not let them off the hook. It lets YOU off the hook. Release their toxic hold on your life.

Go forth and be free!!!

And always....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Emotional Distancing - How To Protect Yourself From An Unhealthy Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 10:10:00 +0000

There’s a lot of talk going around about social distancing. In fact, it’s probably the top trending new phrase for the last year and a half.

There are signs plastered on almost every public door you walk through and even stickers and arrows on floors to show you the EXACT spot you need to stand/wait.

Some of the rules have been relaxed (although I’m afraid we are in for a revisitation shortly.) But the idea is simple: keep your physical distance from those around you in a public/social setting.

This barrier serves as a protective field. For you from someone else. And for someone else from you. You each have a safe space.

Today I’m not here to debate the pros/cons of social distancing, but I do want to talk about the benefits of protecting yourself from toxic people in your life. The need to put up a barrier with those who are harmful to your inner peace.

I want to talk about Emotional Distancing.

It Is Ok To Walk Away

Are you a people pleaser? Do you have co-dependency issues? Are you afraid to be alone?

Those are some of the reasons people choose to stay with or around individuals who threaten their self-esteem and overall peace. It is difficult to pull the plug on a relationship where you have become invested. But what is the ultimate cost of that investment?

There are absolutely some relationships worth fighting for. A marriage for one. Or lifelong friends. A disagreement or difference of opinion should not be the catalyst for walking away. There will be ups and downs whenever there are humans involved.

You have to be mature and tuned in enough to recognize a blip on the relationship radar and work through the turbulence.

That being said, there are still times when you must make the hard choice to distance yourself from an ongoing negative force in your life.

Anyone who routinely and purposefully robs you of security and peace does not deserve a place at your table.

But, you may ask, what if they are struggling with issues themselves? Shouldn’t I be supportive of them?

Absolutely. You can support someone who is actively pursuing treatment or healing, but not at the risk of becoming another casualty yourself.

What if they say they love you? Well, they might. In their mind, with their capacity, maybe they do think it’s love. But love doesn’t contaminate. It doesn’t manipulate. It doesn’t tear down. It doesn’t keep score.

But, you may ask, what if they are family?

Well, that’s a very tricky (and sad) question. We are all encouraged and even compelled to stick with family no matter what. And I agree with that statement in most cases. Just remember that love and loyalty go hand in hand in healthy relationships, but sometimes they can’t co-exist.

There are still times when your emotional or physical well-being is in such jeopardy that it is in your best interest to cut even those family ties. This will probably be the hardest thing you ever do. But please understand that there is no justification for abuse, neglect, or being taken advantage of. Don’t let a sense of loyalty diminish who you were meant to be.

There is a famous quote that says people treat you the way you allow them to. And this is true. You teach someone what you are willing to put up with. So when the burden becomes too heavy, walk away.

How To Walk Away

Making the decision to walk away from a toxic person is one thing. Actually taking those first few steps is a different story.

Step One - Be honest. WIth yourself and them. I don’t suggest ghosting them or completely disappearing (unless they are being violent, then of course yes run away fast).

But otherwise, tell them that you need a break from the relationship. Let them know you still care about them (if that is true), but you have decided to make your well-being a priority. Be firm.

Step Two - Define your terms. You get to decide if you walk away completely, or if you are ok with small doses. You can dictate the time/place/type of relationship as you move forward. You must find the strength to follow through. A toxic person is motivated by control. Take theirs away.

Step Three - Avoid feeling sorry for them. There is something to be said for having empathy when someone is hurting. But a toxic person will attempt to make you feel guilty about abandoning them. Do not fall for that. Trust the instinct that told you to walk away, and stick to it.

Step Four - Believe you are worth it. Any fracture of a relationship will cause pain, even if for the right reasons. Believe that you are doing the best thing for yourself. Understand that peace of mind is more important than possessions, position, or outward perception. You only have to answer to yourself for the decision to emotionally distance yourself from a toxic person.

But What If You Can’t Walk Away

Unfortunately, there are times when you simply can’t make a clean break. It could be with a parent/child relationship. A co-worker. Or even certain extended family (aka in-laws).

While this may be a frustrating situation, there are a few things you can do to help.

Establish boundaries. You may have to attend the same meeting or holiday dinner, but you don’t have to engage in the same dead-end arguments or discussions. Refuse to engage. Don’t take the bait.

Have a support system. Enlist the aid of another friend or family member when you know there will be close contact. Have a wingman/woman to keep the conversation light or difficult discussion brief. Bullies like to corner their victims. Don’t make yourself vulnerable by being alone.

Pick your battles. Everything isn’t worth going to war over. Especially when you know it’s a losing one. If this is the 83rd time of having the same argument, vow not to have an 84th. Learn to accept that some people won’t change no matter how logical the facts are.

And if it is a matter of opinion, by all means, let it go. Everyone is entitled to theirs. Even someone who makes your life miserable. You don’t have to explain or defend yours. And let them march happily along with theirs.

Don’t provoke them. This is a difficult lesson. You know you are right. You are feeling strong. Today is the day to stand up for yourself. Until it’s not. Never start a confrontation with a toxic person. Their incentive to win at all costs far exceeds yours.

My Hopefuls, your well-being and peace of mind is a precious commodity. There are many things in this life that will attempt to steal, invade, or defile it. One of your best defenses for protecting it is learning to emotionally distance yourself from the harmful and toxic people in your life.

Don’t allow anyone to mistreat you. Coerce you. Intimidate you. Believe in the power of you. Believe that you have the right to be happy, safe, loved, and accepted.

Anyone who does not contribute to those feelings should be kept at least 6 emotional degrees of separation away. Post a sign if you have to.

And, as always….

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

6 Ways To Break Up Like A Grown Up

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Sun, 15 Aug 2021 21:38:00 +0000

Being dumped absolutely ranks up there as one of life's most distressing moments.

Emotions run high and thoughts and energies go into overdrive. When we are young and heartbroken we often say and do things that are impulsive, harmful, and eventually regret.

I have been ghosted, dumped the day before Valentine's Day, and surprised my boyfriend while he was making his famous homemade chocolate pie. (Which was not for me, but was his go-to second date way-to-impress ploy.) I've been played and betrayed. So trust me when I say I understand the associated feelings.

Maybe you are the one ending the relationship. That can be difficult too. People stay in dead end situations from fear of starting over, due to pressure from others to stick it out, or just not wanting to hurt someone. Even when something bad happens, and you know it's time to go, taking that first step is tricky.

And being older doesn't make a break-up any easier. Age doesn't shield us from the trauma of it all.

The reality is, there is no age limit on when a relationship can end. We are not exempt from the pain of a breakup just because we've had more birthdays behind us. Emotions don't typically dampen with age.

But age should bring a measure of maturity. Should. But, yeah, not always.

And after a certain age (let's say 29.5) your responses should reflect that and your decisions made from a place of doing what is best for you to move on with grace and empowerment.

So, I've put together a few things that I think will help all of us navigate a breakup like a grown-up.

1. Be Honest

You are never doing yourself or your partner any favors by prolonging the inevitable.

When it's time to have the hard conversation, suck it up and have it. You don't have to be mean and degrading, just speak your truth.

Don't just hide or walk away. Don't try to make them so miserable that they leave. Don't do it by text. Have a mature conversation where you say it's time for you to move on.

Depending on the type of relationship, there may be other things that must be said or decided, but always focus on the truth and conduct yourself the way you would like to be treated.

2. Allow Time For Emotions To Settle

Whether the decision was yours, or was made for you, allow some time for the emotions to settle.

There will likely be tears. Maybe anger. Accusations. Allow the other person to vent and express their feelings. You don't have to stick around to be abused, but let them feel like they had their say.

Then let some time pass. If there are issues that still need to be resolved, allowing some space for the initial emotional response to cool down will help keep both parties more level-headed.

You can't control the reactions or behaviors of another, but you can choose to handle things the right way. Be fair. Be respectful.

On a side note - leave them alone. No late night pity calls. No begging to come back texts. No showing up at their home or work 'just to talk'. When it's done; it's done. No looking (or going) back.

If they have made the decision to move on - accept it.

If you made the decision to move on - move!

3. Don't Seek Revenge

The most natural human response when someone hurts us is to hurt them back. An eye for an eye. Don't waste your time.

Resist the urge to share intimate details/photos, etc. (If I might make a suggestion - never give anyone ammunition that could be used against you one day ie: photos and/or explicit text.)

Never intentionally hurt, embarrass or shame your ex.

The truth is, it rarely works as intended. And YOU end up looking foolish and pathetic.

On the rare occasion you succeed, I promise it will not feel as good as you hoped. It is hollow and stale. I didn't coin the phrase, but it is true nonetheless:

The best revenge is to move on and be happy.

4. Limit The Social Media Blitz

I could write pages on the damage that social media does to relationships. One of the worse ways this plays out is when a relationship goes sour.

The first thing NEVER to do is play out your relationship drama on Facebook. No matter how much you want the world to know you were wronged, PLEASE refrain yourself. It is not a good look on you.

Those who know you - know the truth. Those who don't know you shouldn't be on your Facebook feed. (Yes, I went there.)

Second - limit the tear-jerking, heartbreaking posts and memes. Don't put yourself in the position of a victim. I have no issue with the occasional quote or post that sums up your feelings at the moment, but post after post after post of how rotten life and love is will eventually make you look bitter.

And last - for goodness sakes - don't stalk them online. And you might ask, J. Hope, haven't YOU ever stalked someone on Facebook or Instagram? Why, yes. I have. And more importantly, I regretted it.

There is no redeeming value to putting yourself through the pain. It doesn't help the healing process no matter what you tell yourself. And NEVER share, like, or comment on any of their posts. You are better than that.

5. Accept Your Role In The Relationship

Except in the case of abuse or extreme circumstances, most relationships do not fail behind one person.

No one is perfect and everyone brings in their own brand of trauma, baggage, and idiosyncrasies. This is especially true for those of us starting relationships in our mifelife/older years.

The demise of a relationship rarely hinges on one single event. It is the culmination of mistrust, incompatibilities, emotional distance, jealousy, lack of honesty, family issues, and the list goes on and on.

When the dust has settled, take a long and truthful look at the part you played. I'm not asking you to beat yourself up. It doesn't even mean you did anything 'wrong'. Sometimes it just doesn't work and sometimes it just wasn't the right time or for the right reason.

Your best chance of a successful relationship in the future is owning your role in the ones from your past. Discover. Grow. Reach. Review. Improve. Prepare.

6. Avoid The Rebound

I cannot stress this point strongly enough.

Do not find a get-over girl/guy. (And never BE the get-over girl/guy.)

The lessons you need to learn from the entire experience will not sink in if you don't take the time to reflect. If your mission becomes to fall into the arms (or other things) of someone else with a stopwatch ticking, you will never fully heal and move on better for the next time.

A rebound hurts everyone. You. The other person. Probably your ex who will most likely find out about it. It's not a bandaid. It's not a quick fix. It doesn't work to forget anything or anyone.

There is no hard rule for when you are ready to date again. But if you are still hung up on your ex, still texting them, stalking them, talking about them or basically doing any of the things above that I've warned against - you are NOT ready.

It is only after you have a clear conscience, mind and heart that you should entertain the thought of opening up to someone else.

My Hopefuls please don't think I'm sitting on my high horse criticizing and reprimanding you.

Trust me I HAVE BEEN THERE. And I have made so many of those wrong decisions. I have not always acted like a grown-up after a break-up.

But I believe WE can do better.

And I want to help and encourage you to think ahead. Be proactive.

Don't make knee-jerk decisions while riding an emotional roller coaster. Let the ride end. Level your head. Then maintain and conduct based on the person you know you want to be.

You will survive. You will heal. You will move forward.

And you WILL:

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Is It Possible To Live A Life Without Regret?

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Sun, 08 Aug 2021 22:09:00 +0000

Unless you are a complete narcissist, the answer is no.

I started to title this "How To Live A Life Without Regret" and then thought better of it. That would, in fact, be a false advertisement.

A bait and switch tactic if you will. Because anyone clicking on the article would then expect me to tell them how to do something that I certainly haven't been able to do, nor believe is possible.

If you are human and have lived past puberty, then you most certainly have had a regret or two dozen.

Many regrets start as a fork in the road. You have choices. In careers, partners, friendships, lifestyle pursuits. The paths you pick lead you on a journey that no other person but you could take. It's your own personal life trajectory.

Regret is a curious emotion. It basically means you wish you could go back in time and make a different decision because the one you did make didn't turn out quite the way you wanted. But none of us can see into the future, so the outcome was something we pictured in our minds. It wasn't necessarily based on facts or reality.

The truth is, you could have made a different decision, but had a much worse conclusion than the one you are concerned with now. It's a waste of precious time and energy to look backward and play the 'what if' game.

Every decision, choice, and action has molded you. Impacted you. Created the person reading this article right now. You have learned, grown, adapted, and overcome. Instead of viewing your struggles through the lens of regret, focus your attention on the strong, resourceful, and wiser version of yourself.

With all that being said, there are still some simple ways to limit the number and degree of regrets in your life.

You can actively work towards a Regret Reduction Philosophy.

Here's How:

Use Wise Consideration

While flipping a coin might be a good way to determine who is going to wash the dishes or go first at Monopoly, it's not the best way to make an important decision.

Put time and homework in. Whether it is a major purchase, career change, or potential move - do your research. There is a wealth of information out there on almost every subject. Don't make a rash play. If whatever it is can't wait for you to be thorough in your investigation, then it probably wasn't the right selection in the first place.

It might sound silly, but a simple Pros vs Cons list is extremely helpful to me. You might be surprised how easily your opinion might change when you are honest about the good and bad points.

Be Mindful Of Your Words

This goes for the things you say and also DON'T say.

Once that confetti can is popped, all those tiny glitter pieces will never fit back inside. And once those words pop out of your mouth, they will never be unheard.

I tell my grandson all the time: You don't have to say everything that comes into your head. Of course, he's 4 years old. He is still working on impulse control. Some of you spout off with that same lack of discipline.

Just because something may be true, doesn't mean it's helpful to state it. And even in the cases where something does need to be said, be mindful of tone, context and surroundings when having the conversation.

Many relationships have crumbled with no hope of healing over careless words. Those kinds of regret are the hardest to accept and move on from.

You can also regret things you don't say.

"I'm Sorry" for example. Yes, it can be humbling. Embarrassing. It can also be healing. Especially if it is true and sincere. An apology is a small chance at a rewind button on a regret.

You can't exactly undo the action or unsay the words, but you could express true remorse and a desire to do better. It's an act of love that few people turn away from.

Speaking of love - don't regret refusing to tell someone "I Love You". It is always a vulnerable position to share your feelings with someone. They may spurn you. Reject you. Not return the sentiment. But the point of saying it is like giving a gift. It's not to receive one in return, but to make the other person feel special, warm, and important.

(I'd like to give one of my famous disclaimers by reminding you the above paragraph is not permission to stalk or pursue someone relentlessly. That's an entirely different subject, and not about love at all.)

Make Sure A Choice (And Then Any Regret) Is Truly Yours

One of the ways we can try to make the best decision is to seek counsel and opinions from friends and family. While this is a good idea, we have to be careful to take their thoughts seriously, but not be coerced into doing what someone else wants.

Even those with the best intentions should not use guilt or pretense of love to manipulate the desired outcome.

Unfortunately, some people just want to have their way and force you into an 'or else' situation. You have the right to your own voice. A bully may be heard if they scream loud enough, but they will never truly be listened to.

You alone must bear the consequences of your decisions, so make sure the choice is completely yours.

Final Thoughts:

Life isn't just about the large decisions. Even the small ones can affect us in big ways.

Every morning your Mini Choice-O-Meter resets itself. While you can't undo major decisions at the drop of a hat, there are some different choices you can make with each new day.

You can choose to start your day with prayer and meditation. You can choose to eat better. You can choose to be kinder, more tolerant, or helpful.

You can put your physical and mental health as a priority and practice self-care.

Unhealthy habits can be reversed and course correction implemented.

Taking care of your whole self will put in you a much better position of avoiding many personal regrets.

My Hopefuls, I do not believe it is possible to live a life without regret. But we can limit their number and their impact.

Choose to believe you are a better/wiser/kinder person for the experiences you have endured.

Choose to accept the mistakes with grace.

Choose to live each day with confidence and strength in who you are in this world.

You are not the sum of your failures. Or your successes.

You are complete, whole, and worthy in spite of and because of the choices you have made.

If you do feel regret, let it be fleeting. Be kind to yourself. Move on.

And always.

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Are You Gold Medal Relationship Material?

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Tue, 03 Aug 2021 21:26:00 +0000

With the world watching the Olympics, people are focused on the best of the best. Those who have reached the highest level and have earned the right to a Gold Medal.

In the relationship arena, we are daily flooded with messages that we deserve the best, to never settle, that we are worthy, to demand respect, loyalty and devotion.

And while all of those things may be true, what is missing from that equation is the mirror effect. YOU have to be all those things to the other person.

YOU have to be a Relationship Gold Medal contender.

So what does that look like? Well, honestly, it looks a lot like the road to the actual medal podium. Here is what you need.

Desire

No Olympian of any kind woke up the day before tryouts and said: I think today is a good day to start my journey to a gold medal.

Far from it. Most have that desire seared into them at a very young age. They dream about it. It often consumes all their spare time, and then some. It is a driving force.

Now I’m not suggesting that you be consumed with getting, or even keeping, a relationship. That borders too close to obsession, and that’s not healthy. BUT, you do need a keen desire for one if you want it to succeed.

Some people float in and out of relationships like they weave in and out of traffic. If it doesn’t feel ‘right’, they change lanes and keep moving.

Here’s a newsflash. A relationship isn’t going to feel “RIGHT” every day. Your partner will have a bad day. Display every pet peeve you hate. And demolish that very last, fragile nerve you have been holding on to. That day is not the day to call it quits.

A lasting relationship takes two people with the desire to see each other through the bad days. They understand that a successful partnership starts within themselves and how much they want it to not only survive, but thrive.

Train (Work At It)

Athletes train constantly. They seldom take a day off and are diligent to keep their bodies and minds in shape. There are those with innate abilities and talents, but even they have to hone their skill and work to be the best.

Being a gold medal partner means you will have to work at it too.

We all want the ‘falling in love’ part to last forever. But it will eventually phase into ‘staying in love’, and that takes dedication and effort.

If you were fortunate enough to be raised in a loving family that demonstrated health boundaries, shared responsibilities, and mutual respect, then you had a bonus head start. That didn’t necessarily mean those traits bounced onto you, but you had a springboard.

Those who did not have that ideal behavior modeled, sometimes struggle more, especially when they are younger, in finding the right balance. We learn to love by how we were loved and witnessed love. (Even though sometimes it really wasn’t ‘love’ at all.) But Control. Selfishness. Or Passive-Aggressive Neglect.

The good news is EVERYONE is capable of loving and being loved. We are not held hostage by our childhood or past failed relationships. The key though is the WORK involved.

Read books (or blogs, ha!) Listen to podcasts from experienced relationship coaches. Talk to family and friends. If you need specific or targeted help - reach out to a therapist or pastor.

Listen to your partner. Find out what they need. Learn to speak their love language.

Devote time and energy and pour yourself into the relationship. That’s where you find the GOLD!

Sacrifice

Olympian athletes are defined by their sacrifices.

They re-arrange schedules and shift their priorities in order to train and chase their dreams.

A successful relationship will also require sacrifice and compromise on your part. There will be times when your schedule or priorities will have to change. Your partner will need something of you.

I’m not suggesting you lose yourself in order to be a doormat. You have the right to have your needs met as well. And it can be a delicate balance at times. Illness, family issues, and even career decisions exact a toll on relationships.

The sacrifices should not always be one-sided, but there may be times when one person has the harder burden for a bit. Those times should be acknowledged, appreciated and then reciprocated when needed.

Team Work

Even those competing in single events are part of an overall Olympic Team.

And if you are in a relationship, you should no longer consider yourself a single unit. You are part of a team.

Teammates encourage each other. Support each other. Do you do that?

When you have a problem, do you run and tell someone outside of the relationship? Or do you commit to having a rational and meaningful discussion with your teammate?

One of the worst things you can do is take your problems outside the safe confines of the relationship. (That is unless you are seeking professional hel p.) Friends and family will almost always side with you. And even if they don’t, it’s not up to them to work out your issues.

Stay within the team. Work within the team. Then you can celebrate within the team!

Disclaimer:

I have made a lot of statements about what you should do to be a great partner. And I stand by them. However - there are always exceptions.

You should never stay in or tolerate a relationship with a bully or abuser. Or a serial cheater.

It is OK to walk away if you feel unsafe, consistently disrespected, or taken advantage of.

Only you can determine and know that you tried your best. Once you are fighting a losing battle alone, exit the relationship with your head held up.

(And one other note. If you do decide to leave because of abuse or neglect - never make your next partner pay for the crimes of another. Work through the pain, resentments, and issues before opening your heart to someone else.)

My Hopefuls, I know with all certainty that I will never stand on an Olympic podium with a medal of any kind around my neck. But I do hope one day to again be on a winning relationship team.

Whether you are looking to build your own team, or have already found yourself a part of one, please use these Olympic-style skills and practices to create your own Gold Medal Relationship. The rewards are immeasurable.

And as always….

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

A Reason To Keep Swimming - You Don't Have To Be A Drowned Rat

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Mon, 26 Jul 2021 10:46:00 +0000

Ok - I get that the first blog post I have written in months should probably not be about drowning rats - yet here we are.

And what, you might ask, do rats of any kind have to do with Hope?

As it turns out, in the pre-animal rights era of the 1950s, a scientist at John Hopkins did a cruel, yet impactful study on rats. It was called, of all things, the Hope Experiment.

There are a few different versions of the experiment, but I’ll try to spare the brutal details with the condensed version. Hang in there with me, there is a lesson to learn.

For the first round, rats were put into a bucket of water to see how long they would attempt to tread water to stay alive. The time was about 15 minutes.

In the second round, just before they were about to give up, they were rescued. Dried off. Allowed to recoup a bit. Then they were put back into the bucket.

This time, they swam longer, harder. They fought on. Endured. Caught a second wind and kept the faith.

Do you want to guess the average time they lasted the second go-round? One hour? Four? Try 60!!

So what was the difference between the 15-minute rats and the 2+ day team?

HOPE!

Once they had been saved, they kept going because they knew there was a chance of walking on dry land again!

(I wonder if this is where the movie Hope Floats got its name??) Sorry, I had to ask.

Now I understand the cruel nature of the experiment, and I’m sure such research would not be conducted at such a prestigious university today, but the conclusion is hard to ignore.

Hope is a very powerful weapon.

Do You Feel Like You Are Drowning?

I know I do sometimes. The waves just keep coming and I’m convinced they are going to drag me under to stay. Treading life’s emotional water is exhausting and it’s easy to feel like I’m all alone out there.

But I also know I have reasons to keep swimming. And when my strength is almost gone, I hold on to them.

What are some things that you might do to maintain Hope and keep swimming?

Embrace (Or Find) Your Faith

God is the original manifestation of Hope and the word is used 129 times in the Bible. In fact, the verse on my website declares that He plans to give us "hope and a future". (Jer. 29:11).

One's faith is a very personal decision and I would not dare dictate how it should look for you. I can only encourage you to look beyond yourself for the help and healing that comes from a relationship with your soul's creator.

Get Out In Nature

Speaking of creation, get outside and get it all over you. (Brownie points if you know what movie that's from.)

There is something refreshing and calming about being outside. Whether you prefer the soothing sound of water, the fragrance of radiant blooms, the sweeping vistas of the hills, or the quiet of the sunrise or sunset, there is a stillness to being in touch with nature.

Explore Your Talents/Strengths

I don't care what anyone has ever told you (or what you have told yourself), there is something you are good at. You have a talent. A gift. A strength. Find it. Use it!

When you tap into what makes you unique, you will find your swimming superpower. GIfts look different on everyone. Some are obvious, like the creative types. Or athletic ones. Others are more serene and less visible.

Did you know being a great listener is a talent?

Having the ability to organize and plan?

A good communicator is a great gift to possess.

Your strengths and gifts not only set you apart from everyone else, but they are also part of your purpose for being here. Once you focus more on your purpose and less on your problems, the waters will part and you will hit the ground running.

Pursue Yourself

There is tremendous hype these days about self-help. And sometimes I think that we can get so caught up in self-help, that we become self-absorbed. (Sounds like a good blog idea.)

But I do believe there is value in knowing and nurturing yourself.

Take care of your body. Feed it healthy foods. Move it with exercise. Get enough sleep. Create balance in your life.

Stay connected to friends. No wo (man) is an island, and if you find yourself swimming alone towards one, that's not a good sign. We need connections, allies, compadres, partners. Someone who gets us. Find your tribe and nourish each other.

Do You Know Someone Who Is Drowning?

There is life-saving truth that it is difficult to save a frantic person from drowning in water because they are so desperate they unintentionally can pull you under as well.

This does not necessarily translate to emotional drowning.

While there may be certain circumstances that require immediate and/or professional help, there is almost always something you can do to help someone you know who is struggling. Even if you are struggling as well.

I can speak from personal experience that it doesn't take a grand gesture to turn the tide. A simple text. Call. Email. Check in. How are things? Do you need anything? Want to grab lunch?

We don't need you to change the world for us. We just want to know our presence in the world still matters.

So many people are crying on the inside. They are frantically treading emotional waters you never see. You are surrounded by them every day. In traffic, at the office, standing in the check-out line, sitting in the next booth, maybe even sitting beside you on the couch.

Don't wait to show kindness. Don't assume everyone is fine. Don't think your actions don't matter. They do! One small act of kindness can literally turn someone's day or even life around. Even a genuine smile to a complete stranger can help them feel a little less alone in the world. Or in the water.

Be the reason someone keeps swimming!

My Hopefuls, I go through days when I look and feel like a drowned rat. It takes all I got to keep treading water. It's those days when I don't feel like I have anything worthwhile to share with you. So I don't.

But I'm learning that part of my swimming stamina comes from my connection with you. That YOU help keep me going. So while I'll never perfect the breaststroke or nail the 400m relay, it is my goal to keep swimming.

And to keep HOPE alive for all of us!

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

My Therapist Dumped Me ("It's Not Me, It's You")

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Sun, 28 Mar 2021 18:46:00 +0000

So my therapist dumped me. Is that even a thing? Don't they have to take some Hippocratic oath to never give up on a patient? Talk about a hit on someone's self-esteem! If my therapist can't deal with me, what does that say about everyone else in my life?

Just to be clear, I'm fine. I mean, yes, it stung a little. It was out of the blue and I wasn't expecting it. We were about halfway into our last appointment when she just said she didn't think this was working. I was caught off guard and not exactly sure what to say. What DO you say when someone wants to break up with you?

First, let me just say it is humbling to even admit I was seeing a therapist. And honestly, it shouldn't be. But I come from a long line of stubborn, independent, and self-sufficient survivors. The thought always ran through my head that a strong will, squared shoulders and a can-do attitude will get you through anything. (That and a daily dose of Jesus.)

But sometimes you just need a different perspective from a trained eye. To help steer you back into a healthy and productive lane of travel. Like going to the doctor. However, the key to a successful doctor/patient relationship is following the doctor's advice. And there, my friends is probably the main reason for my now current therapist-less condition.

Clearly Defined Goals

In order for most relationships to thrive, there must be a clearly defined goal. In the dating world someone who wants a casual relationship with one weekly dinner should not get into bed (literal or otherwise) with someone looking for a trip down the altar. They don't have the same goal and the relationship is sure to fail.

It is fair to say my therapist and I had different goals. She was/is extremely well-intentioned. She listened to me, asked questions, took notes. She ultimately came up with a plan to change something in my life. But the problem was, I wasn't looking for a change.

I don't wish to go into personal detail, but the bottom line is my goal was to find sort of a guide map to help me on my current journey. She wanted me to completely change the destination. I wasn't ready for that. My resistance to her strategy confused and stymied her. She was sure the new destination would be wonderful for me and she couldn't understand my refusal to budge.

When We Get In Our Own Way

I don't completely understand my refusal to budge either. Let's go back to the doctor analogy. If I go to the doctor with a severe respiratory condition and I smoke (which I don't), they are going to tell me to stop smoking.

If I then refuse to stop smoking, they will become frustrated. Why would I not do the one thing that could help my situation? Why would I not get out of my own way?

You know when you are in the grocery store and you are walking ahead of someone pushing the cart. Only they aren't paying attention to you and you aren't paying attention to them and BANG, they run into your heel and ankles? Is there anything more startling and painful? That's what I'm talking about.

We sometimes push our own grocery cart while still trying to stay ahead of it. We want to prepare for the future while still controlling the present. But then we get tripped up. We don't get out of our way soon enough and a collision occurs.

My therapist could sense a pending collision and was trying to steer me in a different direction. But I'm stubborn, strong-willed and believe I am in full control of my grocery cart. Until I'm not.

So Who's Right and Who's Wrong?

When a romantic relationship ends the blame game usually begins. He/she did that. She/he said this. They didn't/don't/wouldn't/couldn't. The list is long and wide. The truth is there are times when someone did make a mistake and is at fault. More often than not, it just simply didn't work out.

Not having someone to blame doesn't make it easier. Truth be told (don't tell her I told you this), but I was considering breaking it off with her too. Not because I didn't value her advice, I did! I thought she was great. But I also felt like I was disappointing her. I wasn't following the advice that I just said I valued.

In reality, no one was wrong. She was doing her job to the best of her ability. And I was trying to be true to myself and to the reasons I chose to continue traveling down my current path. It became clear those two sentiments didn't align. And she was aware and kind enough to do the hard part.

So What's Next

She asked if I wanted a referral. I declined. I'm not ready to move on yet. I need time to reflect. Honestly, maybe I'm therapist-resistant. You know, like some people who are medicine resistant.

Maybe I'm too set in my ways.

Maybe I have too high of an opinion of my decision making abilities to actually try something different.

Maybe I'm just too scared.

My Hopefuls, I shared this with you for two reasons. First, because I want you all to know it is OK to seek help/guidance from a trained/experienced therapist or counselor. There is no shame in needing an extra set of emotional eyes. And sometimes we do need help getting out of our own way.

Second, it's also OK to trust yourself. Every relationship you are in, whether it's personal or professional, requires you to be comfortable and honest. If you ever lose sight of yourself or your goals it is OK to reevaluate.

And last, but not least, I completely understand we all have struggles. Everyone has a battle to fight. Some days we win the skirmishes and some days we lose. The key is we get back up, take a deep breath, and start over again the next day.

I do not have all the answers. Shoot, some days I can't even push my own grocery cart. And I have the dubious honor of being dumped by her therapist. BUT I believe this life is good. And full of love. And that we all should...

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Cancel Culture - Have We Cancelled Our Brains? (Don't Water Down The Sweet Tea)

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Sun, 21 Mar 2021 17:06:00 +0000

I've reached the old and cranky stage of life, so when I started to hear the term 'cancel culture', I wasn't even sure what it meant or if I even cared what it meant. Maybe it was the name of a new boy band, restaurant, or worse, another flash-in-the-pan political stunt to further divide the country.

Turns out, the latter is pretty close to the truth. Only it appears to be gaining momentum instead of losing it, and while there are political laces running through it, I think it's more about pushing limits than an actual agenda or platform.

So I decided to crawl out of my self-imposed Covid/Introverted cocoon to take a deeper, and hopefully, more objective look at this social experiment that has gone terribly off the rails. To find what good may have been intended and to root out the useless and damaging elements that have come to define the cause.

So, you ask, what is Cancel Culture? Are we living in a 'cancel culture'? Or are we 'cancelling culture'? Or both? Here is a definition I found online:

The phenomenon of promoting the 'cancelling' of people, brands, shows, movies, etc to what some consider to be offensive or contain problematic remarks or ideologies.

On the surface, that doesn't sound all that bad. We don't need any more offensive or problematic ideologies floating around. I've been against those for years. So what's the issue then? Stick with me kid, and I'll tell you.

What Is Culture?

Let's back up a minute and talk about the meaning of culture. Before anyone can cancel anything, they need to know what they are cancelling.

Culture is a fancy word for the way a group of people live. It is their behaviors, values, beliefs. It is their customs, religion, food, social habit, routines.

It is the the groundwork for how we look at life, our views of marriage, family, even music and the arts. Some elements are more intimate and come from within the family unit. Others are more regional or geographically influenced.

It is how we see life and how we experience it. It is how we identify ourselves. Take me for example. I identify as a Southern/Christian woman. I grew up in the rural south. Grew up in church. Drove a tractor before a car. Worked in a tobacco field for my first job. And drank gallons of my Momma's sweet tea. (Mentally bookmark that statement, because I'm coming back to the sweet tea in a minute.)

Can Culture Be Bad/Offensive?

Wow, that's a tough question. Of course it can. And that's true for a couple of reasons.

First, there are bad people in every walk of life (culture). They do bad things. Say bad things. Create chaos. Does that mean everyone in that culture is on their side or is equally bad? Definitely not.

Second, depending on YOUR culture, there may be things in OTHER cultures you inherently find uncomfortable. My particular upbringing makes me sensitive to excessive foul language. Does that mean I judge everyone who curses as a bad person? No.

Does it mean I choose to limit my interactions with them? Probably. Or choose to limit my entertainment options to those more suited to my comfort level. Yes. But it also means, for those times when I encounter a less than ideal situation for me, I deal with it. I'm an adult.

It is not my place to cancel every person or situation I don't like.

So Who Gets To Make That Decision?

And there is the rub. The nag in the back of your brain. The shake your head moment. Who are these people deciding what is 'good' or 'bad'? Who appointed them the Grand Poobah of Conclusion to determine what is worthy to be seen, heard, remembered, acknowledged?

Are there things in the past that were/are hurtful? Absolutely. Are there things in the here and now that are damaging still? For sure. Have every one of us done things we regret? No doubt.

So who is responsible for righting the ship and staying on course?

If we are talking children, then it's the job of the parent. Hands down they are the ones to train their kids on both the good and bad of a history we can't erase no matter how hard we try. And they are the ones to lead by example so history does not repeat itself.

Sadly, many have not accepted that challenge. It's easier to let TikTok and Instagram do it for them. (And that is a topic for another day.)

If we are talking adults, which I'm guessing most of you are, then the decision and responsibility are YOURS. You have a brain. USE IT. Initiate common sense. Open your eyes. See what needs to change. Be a part of that change. But don't mindlessly follow the crowd just because it is easier than actually taking a stand and doing the work.

There are no brownie points for silent submission.

So Does Culture Even Need To Be Cancelled?

This is a trickier question.

There are hard nos when it comes to what is acceptable. Abuse of anyone in any fashion is one.

Racism is another. And racism was, in fact, the main catalyst for the trending cancel culture. It was decided that any and all things racist needed to be annihilated, destroyed, erased, CANCELLED.

And on its face value, I agree.

For a brief moment, I considered the title for this blog to be "My Racist Family". I love a good play on words, and it fit with my underlying message (which I haven't gotten to yet, sorry). But I KNEW that was not a good idea because most people would see those words and NOT see the forest for the trees.

So let me explain my rationale.

My son-in-law is a black man. I have a bi-racial grandson. That family unit is sensitive and aware of the problems caused by racism. And as someone who loves them, I am as well.

It is also fair to say that I do not always agree with every one of their sentiments or conclusions. But I always listen to them. I have learned things. I have recognized behaviors and attitudes on my part. I am trying to keep my fingers and heart on the pulse to be on the right side of the issue.

And we have worked our way back to my Momma's sweet tea.

Let's pretend for a moment we have a huge barrel of sweet tea. Delicious, ice-cold sweet tea. And just for today, that sweet tea represents the lessons we as a nation (or simply the human race) needs to learn about racism.

And we are learning. Our collective eyes have been opened to the injustices, roadblocks, inconsistencies, and struggles that bias, bigotry, and discrimination have caused. We are drinking the sweet tea.

Then cancel culture comes along. And it appears to be their mission to re-write history and make today the only day that counts. I am a product of more than just what I do today, the good and the bad. In fact, the person I am today is what I learned from both the good and the bad of my past.

With every new 'cancellation', the barrel of sweet tea becomes a little more watered down. It is becoming diluted with every new 'drop' and the much needed movement is becoming weaker. As such, it is becoming harder to swallow by those of us who want to learn from the knowledge of the sweet tea barrel.

We want to make a difference, but not at the expense of the useless and baseless trashing and bashing of things and people. There are enough real problems today. We don't need to borrow any from cartoons, ice cream trucks, or even insensitive, ignorant people who operated in a different time under different values. We can (and mostly have) overcome and bettered those values.

What Does All This Mean?

My Hopefuls, this has been a very long post. If you have made it this far, I applaud your diligence and patience. Part of it is I haven't written in a long time, and the other part is I just couldn't stop typing once the thoughts started flowing.

I do believe I am in a unique situation. I know I am from a generation that tolerated insensitive and inappropriate behaviors at times. And I am currently emotionally invested in making sure we/I do better.

But I absolutely do not need someone else to determine for me what part of history or current events I need to embrace or discard. Stay out of my sweet tea. I got this! And I'm hoping you do too!

I'll close with two additional statements.

The color of your skin doesn't protect you from being evil or cause you to perpetuate evil.

Victimization and being a victim are both generational curses that need to be broken.

And always.....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Failure To Imagine - How Your Life Can Improve With Awareness, Thoughtfulness And Action

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 17:56:00 +0000

A very interesting phrase resurfaced this week due to the recent events in Washington. This post has ZERO to do with politics, but I did want to capitalize (pun intended) on how these three simple words can transform your life if you open up your mind to the process.

This phrase has been around for several decades, but maybe the most memorable use was after the attacks of 9/11. One writer suggested that the 'success' of the enemy was not brought about by the breakdown of intelligence or coordination. Both of those things were available in abundance. Our collective downfall as a country was the failure to imagine such evil intentions and the extreme measures our adversaries would take to further their cause.

The phrase ‘failure to imagine’ was used again this week in an attempt to explain away lack of preparedness and a total inability to either read the writing on the wall (of social media) or the choice to ignore it.

How often do each of us do that in our daily lives? Are we guilty of being short-sighted and rob ourselves of the benefits of taking steps to improve our future selves? An article in Psychology Today talks about the trap some people believe themselves to be in. They live in a small orbit of family, friends, jobs, and can't envision a path forward from good to better.

It offers the idea that true fulfillment requires we need to "first imagine a life that transcends" our current vision. In other words, we need to embrace both short-term goals as well as long-term ones.

Intentional Thoughtfulness

So how do all these lofty words and ideals translate into a better life for YOU?

It starts with intentional thoughtfulness. The ability to make informed choices and take deliberate action without an immediate reward. We live in an instant world. From microwaves to ATM machines, to Amazon Prime 2 day delivery, we have grown accustomed to having what we want (or think we want), right NOW!

And even though NOW is where we live, we should plan and prepare for the many nows that will hopefully come later. Think of it as your life's version of the decades' old candy:

You can (and should) enjoy your life now while still planning for the later.

Here are a few places to start.

Imagine A Healthier You

Sure, maybe your blood pressure, glucose levels, and ideal weight are spot on. Congrats!

Don't be fooled into believing that your food and exercise decisions today won't affect your overall health and wellness in the years to come. And you do want years to come.... right?

Even if you currently struggle with certain medical conditions, it is never too late to try and do better. Try to see past the immediate desire for a double cheeseburger and 'imagine' being around to play with your grandchildren or feeling up to a rousing game of golf or tennis in your retirement.

And be careful to heed the advice of your doctor. You should not put off taking medications or having preventative tests. Both of these can help you live a longer, healthier life.

Imagine Happier Relationships

The energy and passion of young love is the subject of many books, poems, and songs. What they fail to accurately represent is the hard work involved in maintaining that love.

It is all too easy to get caught up in what feels good now and what my needs are today. Being selfish is a common roadblock to a long-term love affair.

Nurture and commitment are the cornerstones of any successful relationship. Romantic or otherwise.

Forgiving and also being able to ask for forgiveness in return. The resolve to push through the hard times. The dedication when the fun flat-lines and struggles show up. The understanding that most storms ends with a rainbow and that beautiful symbol of conquering the squall is best shared hand-in-hand and together.

It is necessary through the difficult times (and even the good ones), to 'imagine' what your relationship will look like in years to come. Envision growing old together. Picture yourselves as the cute old couple that everyone wants to be.

Then set about the work to make that picture a reality.

Imagine Financial Security

In these uncertain times, I'm not sure what financial security even looks like. I wrestle every day with debt vs savings vs what to do with my 401K. But I do know this, long range financial security doesn't just happen.

There is a fine line between enjoying your life today and setting aside for a rainy day. I am not an advocate of never reaping the fruits of your labor. It is OK to occasionally buy something that makes you happy, look great, or feel better.

I am a big believer in family vacations and memorable experiences. If you save every penny your entire life and never have a beautiful memory of that life, I'm not sure that is the picture of success.

On the flip side, you should balance what you spend for today's pleasures with saving for those you want tomorrow. That can be easier said than done for some, and I understand that. But even small steps will add up over time.

Cut out unnecessary expenses for certain conveniences or subscriptions. Look for ways to save just a few dollars here and there, and then set aside those dollars for your future. There are apps that will help you invest or if that thought scares you (it does me), simply save them.

The key is to 'imagine' your future as being self-sufficient and independent. That you have the financial freedom to support yourself without working until the very end. Those goals start with wise spending choices today.

Imagine The Fulfillment Of Your Dreams

While all the above are worthwhile and important, this one is probably the nearest to my heart.

There are more articles, encouragement, and tools available today than ever in the quest for the fulfillment of dreams and goals. The problem for some traces back to the issue above about wanting to see immediate results.

The beginning painter's work will probably not immediately go to a museum.

The musician's first song will most likely not win a Grammy.

My first book did not end up on the New York Times Best Seller's List.

There are rare (and exciting) moments when the novice reaches the pinnacle of the mountain with their original endeavor. However, for most of us, it takes time, work, sweat, and patience.

But my advice will ALWAYS be to never give up. The goal should not be perfection or recognition. It should be to persist and hone your craft or vision. To be the best version of you. To grow. Learn. Improve.

And to 'imagine' reaching your goals. To plan and implement the steps involved believing you will succeed. And then measure that success not only on monetary gain or prestige, but personal satisfaction and undeniable accomplishment.

Imagine Your Potential

My Hopefuls, it is my goal today to encourage each of you to imagine your potential. In all areas of your life. To not settle for just good enough. To not believe this is all there is. To limit yourself to the mundane.

But to purposefully visualize the life you can have.

Never let your life or your dreams fall victim to the failure to imagine. The road ahead is full of promise, love, goodness, and HOPE.

And with that in mind....

Always..

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

If this article spoke to you, please like and share.

www.hopeboulevard.com

Facing Down Fear - Hope For The New Year

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Sun, 03 Jan 2021 15:30:00 +0000

Many people, including myself, experienced a good deal of fear in 2020.

From riots to Covid to isolation to lockdowns to remote learning and working to natural disasters to one crazy presidential election, there was always something coming around the curve to keep us off-balance.

In all honesty, though, I've lived with fear much longer than just this past year. In fact, it's hard to remember a time when fear wasn't motivating me in some manner or another.

It is a bit humbling to admit as someone who proclaims so fervently about HOPE, but it is true just the same. And I DO believe in HOPE. I believe the path forward is paved with it. I also recognize our paving equipment may need some annual maintenance. So here goes.

What Are We Afraid Of

This is almost impossible to answer because people process and express fear differently. Their life experiences also play a large role. Fear isn't always a bad thing, either. It is a protection mechanism. It helps guide certain decisions. It also motivates to inspire change.

Some have constant fear regarding financial issues and making ends meet. Others battle illness. The person how has a loved one struggling with addiction fears every unknown phone call.

Those with mental illness often experience highly irrational fears. And the people who love them often live in fear of THEM.

The root of fear is feeling out of control. That we are helpless and drifting around on a tiny raft during a raging storm. And the truth is, much of what happens (not all) in our lives is out of our direct control. Life happens, as they say. But our response to those happenings is COMPLETELY within our control. And that's where the key lies in living in fear and overcoming it.

I've come up with three universal fears and my thoughts on dealing with them. I'm no expert, mind you. I'm on a journey for answers myself. Maybe together we can all find strength.

Fear Of Judgment

Many people walk around in life boasting, "I don't care what ANYONE thinks of me." "I'll do whatever I want." "Their opinions don't matter." And most of the time those people are lying to themselves. Because whether we admit it or not, we do care what others think.

If we didn't, half the world wouldn't live their life on social media. They rack up 'likes' and comments and tally them at the end of the day to make sure they are still relevant and pleasing to those around them.

And the unfortunate events of bullying would be non-existent if we didn't care what people thought.

It is not a bad thing to wish to be liked and appreciated. It's a sign of community. We need each other. Acceptance is a comforting blanket in a very cold world. The problem comes when we take it too far.

The bottom line is, not everyone is going to like you (or me). We will be someone's unsweet tea in their corn syrup world. And that's OK. (Although if you know me, you know my tea rivals that of even McDonald's.) My point is, you will be fit into everyone's lifestyle. Nor should you want to.

The key here is to know and like yourself. Tall order, I know. But once you are cool with yourself, the opinions and judgments of others have less impact on your happiness.

Take stock of where you are. Improve in the areas YOU think important. Then take a deep breath and march into this world being proud of who you are and what you bring to the table. There are plenty of tables to go around. Don't expect everyone to eat at yours.

Fear Of Failure

This one strikes home to me more than the first one. I do have a fear of failure.

As a single mom most of my life, I've looked back and wondered did I fail my children. I wasn't able to provide a traditional, intact home. My marriages failed.

When I started Hope Boulevard I had such high hope and expectations for reaching and helping people. There have been many days when I have felt I failed at that as well.

I read an article recently that said you will never reach potential if you are not willing to be embarrassed. I'd never thought about things from that angle. The author suggested that until you completely put yourself out 'there', and risked being embarrassed, boo'ed, or worse, ignored, then you would never truly believe you had given it your all.

There are dozens of memes and quotes about no risk/no reward. You only fail when you don't try. One foot in front of the other until you make it. Learn from the mistakes. You know, you've read them too.

And I agree with all of them. The challenge is believing they apply to YOU when YOU are the one dealing with the loss, the setback, the failure.

You will not be the best at everything you do. The key is to do the best that YOU can do. If you truly do your best, then the result is not failure. It might be disappointing, or not what you envisioned, but never a failure. (Note to self.)

Fear Of Being Alone

This one really has a two-fold meaning.

There are those who do fear being alone in the relationship sense. They are compelled to jump from one relationship to another in order to avoid an empty feeling. The result is usually unpleasant and another loss.

The truth is, that empty feeling is often the result of someone not truly being happy and comfortable with themselves. That void is their own self-acceptance. Since they don't have it, they seek it from someone else. The problem is that piece of the puzzle only fits from within yourself. No one else can give that to you.

And being in the wrong relationship brings about way more loneliness and strife than being alone.

But I'd like to shine a small light on another type of being alone. And that is standing up and even alone for what is right. Sometimes that is scary too.

Just like the fear of judgment and wanting to be liked, some people are afraid to take an unpopular stand, even if they truly believe it right in their heart. They don't want the public ridicule. This is more true today than any other time I have ever known.

The 'mob' mentality tries to dictate what we should believe, rally behind, endorse. Those with an opposing view are mocked and made to feel inferior or stupid. It is hard to stand alone.

I am not here to be another to tell you what to believe. It is on you to do be true to your heart and make wise and thoughtful decisions. But once those decisions have been made, hold firm to them.

Stand up for what you believe to be right. Do so with integrity and a quiet spirit. You don't have to be a bully to get your point across. And you don't have to bow to another bully when you encounter one.

Facing Down Fear

My Hopefuls, it has been my goal today to help shine a little light on the anxieties and doubts that creep into our hearts and minds. It will happen. Even to those who unwilling to admit it.

My advice is to learn to control what you can. Take back the reins of your life if you have given them away. Start each day with a fresh dose of grit and encouragement and be the best version of YOU.

There is only one YOU. Take comfort and delight in that. You should also take comfort in this:

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~ Isaiah 41:10

And as always, for this new year and beyond...

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

If this blog spoke to you, please share and help me spread HOPE!

So Apparently I Have Social Anxiety - Now What?

noreply@blogger.com (J Hope Suis) — Mon, 16 Nov 2020 11:23:00 +0000

So apparently I have social anxiety. Which was a bit of a surprise to me actually. Because I genuinely like people. Not that those with social anxiety don't, but again, I was pretty inaccurate about my understanding of the condition.

I have sung an original song on the piano in church. (Many, many years ago mind you.) But someone with social anxiety wouldn't do that, right?

I have taught classes. (Same concept).

I have spoken in front of people at book signings. (Not that many of these either.) But, again, that doesn't sound like social anxiety.

Yet my therapist told me this week she thinks I have it.

Ok, yes. I have a therapist. That's not exactly something I want to shout from the rooftops, and yet still here I am shouting it from my Chromebook. Why? Because it's OK to not be OK sometimes.

A fresh perspective is good. Meaningful insight. A nurse practitioner for the mind/emotions so to say.

Anyway, I got off topic. If you are surprised or disappointed that I'm seeing a therapist, well, so be it. That's the part of social anxiety I'm trying to work on anyway. Other's opinions of me.

You see, I always thought I was just an introvert. Quiet. Reflective. Prefer solitude. Crowds drain me. And while on some level I think I am, in fact, an introvert that does not predispose me to be socially anxious.

So after the possible bomb drop of this opinion led me to investigate further. This is what I found.

The Difference Between Being An Introvert and Socially Anxious

You were born with the traits that make up being an introvert. It is biology.
Social anxiety is a learned behavior based on a variety of factors or experiences.
An introvert is not afraid of social settings. They just need time afterward to recharge and reflect.
The socially anxious will avoid social settings to avoid feeling inferior or incompetent or judged.
An introvert is comfortable with who they are.
Social anxiety robs an individual of ever feeling complete, good enough, or worthy.

The Traits Of Social Anxiety

The overwhelming common thread of those with social anxiety is the fear of not measuring up. Being self-conscious about almost every aspect of themselves. They are constantly on the lookout for subtle or perceived judgments.

Socially anxious people will be the first to leave a meeting to avoid small talk. Will back out at the last minute to social gatherings. If they do attend a party or function they do their best to fade into the background so as to avoid being drawn into a conversation where they may reveal a flaw or inadequacy. Every interaction (and subsequent action) is driven by fear.

On a positive note, they are highly intuitive people who pick up on the feelings and emotions of others easily. They like to fix things. Solve problems. Make people happy. But sometimes at the expense of their own.

What Causes Social Anxiety

Well, this is a little trickier to pin down.

It has its roots in feeling inferior, but many things in life can create that misconception in someone's mind.

One is a series of distressing events in childhood. Being teased or bullied for being different. Being excluded from groups.

Having overprotective parents can also contribute. Or parents who were highly critical and difficult to please.

There can be some biological factors as well with neurotransmitters. (Don't ask me to explain that please.)

Where Does That Put Me

Well based on my research, I do believe I have at least some social anxiety. I also believe I'm an introvert. This combination does not always allow me to thrive outside in the world.

I really have no idea what may have caused mine. I am certainly not contributing it to my parents. And everyone has experiences of being made fun of, singled out, or excluded. Maybe I didn't adjust as well as others.

The one thing I do know is that I want to work on it. I'm OK with the introvert part. That's a good thing I suppose since I probably can't 'fix' that anyway. But I am a little tired of watching my friends socialize, date and dive into life, while I'm on the sidelines watching and wondering why I can't do the same.

I am tired of going to events and being afraid to say something stupid, or look unfashionable, or appear uncultured. I'm tired of always being consumed with what others think of me. Or if they even think of me at all.

No, this isn't a pity party. This is a wake-up call. And I share these feelings with you in the belief this is the first step towards a sort of freedom. And also in the HOPE for others reading this who identify can also now understand what has been happening with them and tips to change.

How To Improve Social Anxiety

Get Out There!

I know. That's what you didn't want to hear. Me too! I had plans last night that I, again, canceled at the last minute. The thought was overwhelming. I was sure the 'bad' would outweigh the 'good', so I didn't even try. My bad.

As with anything that you want to improve on, you have to practice. So, we have to get out there. I'm not saying you have to attend a gala by yourself at an elegant venue. But you do need to take positive steps.

That will mean different things to different people, so I'm not making suggestions as to where to go, but make a goal to do something outside of your comfort zone at least once a week.

Journal Your Feelings

Ok, this is another thing people (including me) don't consistently do. But I believe this will really help. When you do go out, come back and write about how it went. What you felt. Your interactions with others.

Point out the wins. Be proud of yourself. Acknowledge the struggles. Take note of patterns. If certain people or situations continue to bring the most stress, avoid them. But not the entire world.

Writing down your experiences will help put them into perspective. We tend to over complicate things in our heads. Taking the time to express them in writing will highlight the areas you need to work on and those you excel.

Seek Help

So, yes, I'm back to the therapist thing. I did not seek help for social anxiety. As I mentioned, I was very surprised when she mentioned it. But I did recognize certain struggles that I needed help with.

It's not a weakness. And if you think it is, you are wrong or misinformed.

Cognitive behavior treatment works very well with overcoming social anxiety. It is a process, but with the right person, the outcome is highly promising. (I guess I will put that statement to the test. Stay tuned.)

Go Easy On Yourself

Everyone wants the approval of others. Some to differing degrees. Most people want to impress. Like the concept of belonging. Want the feeling of community. Even the ones who seem to do it effortlessly have doubts and insecurities. Remember that.

You are valuable. You do have something to say. Your experiences are unique and worth sharing. Your voice matters.

You will probably not fit into EVERY group of people you run in to. Don't even try. Learn when to walk away because you want to, but not out of fear.

Go easy on yourself, but don't let yourself off the hook. Don't deny yourself relationships and experiences. Trust me, I know how EASY it is to say this and how HARD it is to implement. I'm giving myself a pep talk as I type.

Don't Be SAD

In an ironic twist, the acronym for Social Anxiety Disorder is SAD. And that's how those of us with it feel much of the time.

Feeling inferior is not fun. Feeling judged or ridiculed is difficult. Feeling like you are looking in from the outside is lonely. But these are just FEELINGS. And not FACTS.

The facts are social anxiety is real, but it is also treatable. The key is to learn and accept your worth and value.

My HOPEFULS, this has not been the easiest blog to write. It exposes a side of me that I am not necessarily proud of. But I want to improve in this area of my life. And it starts with the first step. Anyone want to have dinner?

One article I read said that many people perceive those with social anxiety as unfriendly or hard to connect with. I would hate for anyone to think that about me. Because I don't believe it to be true.

So here's to learning something new about myself. Climbing a new mountain. Tackling a new situation. Join me on this journey. Let me know your thoughts and your experiences. Share with me your victories.

And as always....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out