Not because the grief disappeared… it didn’t.

It still comes in waves.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about Brian a lot.

Even when he isn’t mentioned often, I carry him with me.

I’ve been going through Brian’s cards- baseball, basketball, even WWF, and some football. Cards from the 80s and 90s. I remember them spread out across his bedroom floor, the careful sorting, the excitement. Back then, collecting meant binders, boxes, and patience.

Now there are apps that scan cards instantly. I’ll sometimes look things up just to see what the prices are. ebay wasn’t even a thing. I’ve learned about PSA grading and wondered if that was even around back then. Probably not or at least not the way it is now. There’s a gap there. Between when he was here and how the world works now. I feel it.

I’ve even joined a few baseball card groups on Facebook. And it hit me…this is probably something Brian would have done. Talking cards, comparing notes, sharing excitement. In a way, it feels like I’m reliving pieces of him. Or maybe carrying them forward.

I never thought I’d be the one going through his cards, organizing them on my dining room table, decades later, in my forties.

There’s something surreal about it. Tender, too.

In a way, it feels like I’m honoring him…touching the things he cared about, giving them space again, remembering the boy and the brother he was.

Grief doesn’t fade the way people think it should. It doesn’t move in a straight line or politely stay in the past. It lives in closets, in boxes, and in moments like this…where memory and present life quietly overlap.

Brian is still with me.

In waves.

In memory.

In love.

Always.

You know what? It will always be that way…hard to believe. Yes, still.

Missing my brother today and everyday.

I screamed out “Toronto, Boston, Baltimore, New York Yankees, Detroit and Cleveland” which was the order of the abbreviated teams from first to worst.

 “See, you just read the sports page!” a proud Brian told me. It’s always fund for a youngest kid to teach something new. Brian showed me more. “W is wins. L is loses” I guessed. He said “right!” What’s G.B.? I asked… “games back,” he responded. 

“So, Andrew, the Red Sox are this many, nine, games worse than the Blue Jays. That’s what games back means.”

 “And what is this win percentage thing?” I asked. “That’s more complicated,” said Brian, “more of a grown up thing.” I feel like Brian knew I wasn’t going to be good at math. But I could impress the important people in our lives.

“But now, you can open up the sports page, just like our dads and read the sports page, and you don’t even have to be a good reader yet. That’s what my dad taught me before I could read.”

Baseball, was theme for us. One of Tommy’s earliest memories was of hitting a game winning home run in a playoff game in Lynn. As the ball cleared the wall, his father, the namesake for my brother and Tommy’s brother, screamed “That’s my Boy!” My grandmother, his mother, and a legit candidate for the sainthood, told me this story. Tommy confirmed it…again and again. 

As we all know, baseball is a long game. A rocky early or middle inning can be a problem, but it doesn’t always define the whole outcome. In all innings of life, I found my uncle to be a warm, generous, well-meaning and dare I say a decent man. Flawed? Of course, but we all are flawed. But like a savvy old veteran pitcher, he knew how to finish the game. Tom finished strong. My mom was with Tom in every inning of life. My father joined her in this. The three of them should have written a book, about all of the friends Tom had, the favors he helped out with, the funny stories he had for nearly every scenario in life. “Damn, Lisa looks good, and Rye and Magnolia look strong!” he would text me after she would post on social media about the latest triumph of her and her amazing kids. When the two of them would have a good text-based conversation, he would relay his excitement to me. He would razz me about being the third kid, a bond we loved to talk about. “Damn Drew, your brother and sister have the perfect lives with those beautiful families….” I could see the next text coming. It came. “How are you ever going to catch up lol?” Then his next text would say, “just kidding, I love you.”

The last time I saw my uncle, five weeks ago, I didn’t know… but it was the ninth inning. We talked and talked. Maybe we both sort of knew the score and that the game was getting late. We said some pretty important things to each other, but none was more important than the same words from the funny text I mentioned: “I love you.” He told me he loved me, and I awkwardly sipped my beer and told him I loved him. He said, “you know, Drew, it’s okay for grown men to say that to each other. Everyone should say that to those they love. I agreed with him. We walked out of the 99 where we had our lobster rolls, I had my beer and we had our heavy talk. He said we should hang out again soon, and that he loved me. The last words I said to him in person were, “I love you too Tommy.”

In the later innings of his life, Tommy really hit some home runs. He spent time with my mother’s family, which was his family, here in Boston and out in California. The Great Uncle that Maggie, JP, Caroline, Jack and Hayden all know was even more fun and present than the uncle I got to know with my brother and sister. I’m sort of jealous of that. Lisa, my brother, my sister, my mother and father all strengthened their connections to Tommy over the last decade. He was immensely proud of the strong, independent woman Lisa is. He was more proud of her two children Magnolia and Rye who are following in the mother’s footsteps to become just wonderful people. We all got to know each other better. A few of us even attended a World Series game together and saw the Red Sox win that game…something Brian and I never would have believed possible given how many games back the Red Sox used to be of even making the playoffs when we were kids -just learning to read the sports page. When you look at it all, Tommy finished strong. And for those of us who knew him best, that’s the thing we are all the most proud of: how he finished the game. 

Like all of you, I love Tommy. And we should all remember his words about telling each other how much we love each other. Just like the sign language symbol said on those green Beverly School for the Deaf sweatshirts we all wore when we were little. “I love you.” That’s the homerun he hit in the end, and it’s a legacy that we should all carry with us as we try to best honor his life. 

Godspeed Uncle Tommy, we love you

Living with a sister who is deaf has not always been easy but I have learned a lot from it. I have learned to be more accepting towards other people with disabilities.  I also learned that deaf people experience life the same as we do.

Growing up with a deaf sister exposed me to a different language and culture.  Sign language which I have learned is an expressive way of communicating with other people.  I use sign language with my sister’s friends.  I have been associated with the deaf culture throughout my life.  It is an unique culture because the deaf community is so close to each other.  This culture is closer than ay other because everybody knows each other.

I have learned that the old phrase “Deaf and Dumb” is the farthest thing from the truth.  Many deaf people who I have met are very smart including my sister.  My sister is a honor roll student.  She also manage to work at Star Market when she comes home from school.  I have learned to admire her.  

In our home, we have adaptive devices which help my sister.  The close caption on my TV has helped me become a good speller.  The TTY which is a telephone for the deaf has helped my typing skills.

When I was growing up, I was very sensitive about having a deaf sister and I got angry when people made fun of anything that has to do with deafness.  Now that I am older, it does not bother me at all.  I know that deaf people are nice people and I love and admire my sister.  That is all I need to know.  

Brian, I dreamed about you last night.  We were in Venice, Italy backpacking and I insisted for us to go on the Gondola so we went on one much to my delight.  Why Venice? Why backpacking? Why gondola? I have no idea.  All I know is that “seeing” you in dreams is something not to be taken for granted, and I feel your presence in my dreams is very much because of my strong internal connection with you, affirming that the sibling bond cannot be severed, even by death.

Missing you today, tomorrow and always,

Lisa

Who would’ve thought that the Pats would go on to win five more super bowls let alone with the same coach and quarterback duo for the next two decades?

It was really an amazing run filled with wonderful memories, of which many included you.

One of my favorite recollections was when you came with me to my friend’s Super Bowl party in D.C. in 2004. I think it was your first “Deaf” party. I was so proud to have you right by me, and be part of my world. And I loved that we were able to cheer for the Pats together.

And of course, you were often mistaken for TB. I always found it uncanny, seeing “you” in him on TV, still to this day.

And I thought of you every single time I watched the Pats play. I always “felt” you and I loved that you “knew” the players.

Tonight was bittersweet because it’s not just the end of an era, but also the very same era that you were physically part of.

Either way, you’ll always come to mind, because to me, that’s what Boston Sports is all about. You.

Loving you today, tomorrow and always.

Your sister, Lisa

This one is for you. I love that you’re my motivation, my drive and my purpose for every single run. And apparently, you were my reason for wearing antlers this morning!

Missing you today, tomorrow and always,

Lisa

I think your favorite part of the race was getting one of these Table Talk apple pies ;). 

And I remember one day when I could not find my way back to the car, so an officer took me back to the house in his police car which of course became family joke of the day.

So, today was for you.  While you may not be running by my side, your spirit is always with me.  

Missing you today, tomorrow and always.

Lisa

Missing you forever and always,

Lisa

Me: Oh, who are they?

Rye: You, Magnolia and your brother.

Oh, bless his sweet little heart, for remembering you, so randomly too.

Missing you today and always.,

Lisa

Happy 40th birthday to you!

Missing you today and always,

Lisa

As I approached Jess and her two sisters to share my condolences, one of them looked at me in the eyes and said: I know you know.

And I replied back with a heavy heart: I wish you didn’t.

Then we hugged.

It really is a crappy club to be part of.

Thinking of you, Brian, today and always. I hope you greet James, who also loved baseball, with warm hugs and play some balls.

Missing you especially tonight….

The Boston sports fanaticism had clearly been passed down.

Last night was for you and Grandpa.

On to Monday Night Football, go PATRIOTS!

His response could not be any better:

“He is MY uncle”

Oh, my heart! I know you would have gotten a kick out of it. And you would have made such an awesome uncle.

I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately, especially since a colleague lost her mother unexpectedly last week.

As much as I hate grief, and I do not wish grief on anyone, I now realize that it made me a better person. Thank you, Brian, for that unexpected “gift”.

Missing you tonight, tomorrow and always…And more so, now that Red Sox is playing in the ALCS.

Xoxo

Missing you today, tomorrow and always.

Dear Mrs Wilson,

I was so sorry to hear about Brains death. He was a wonderful young man.We remember students for two reasons, because they are exceptional or a challenge. Brain was exceptional. I still tell my students about the day he spoke his mind and felt that he was defending his sister. Having Brain in my fifth grade was a wonderful experience that has affected my life as a teacher in many positive ways. I will remember him always.  His memory will affect all the students that I teach. I will keep both you and your daughter  in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing Brain with me.

Sincerely Mary Ann Murray  Brains 5th grade teacher

—

What happened was that during a transition, e.g. walking to another area of school, an aide said in a disparaging manner to a student: “come on, get going….what are you, deaf?”  Brian was upset and responded with “there is nothing wrong with being deaf”., which led him to be sent to Principal’s Office. Thinking back, it is brave for a fifth grader to speak up to an adult in charge and he felt the need to speak up even though there were no deaf people around.  He was offended by her tone and negative attitude regarding being deaf.  This is what Ms. Murray referred to when she shared such recollection.

That is my brother, y’all.  He was always a person of high integrity.

Missing Brian yesterday, today, tomorrow and always.

Much love,

Lisa

This morning, as we woke up, the children and I were talking about our feet.  Yes, feet.

Rye: Mama, you have thick toes.

Me, rolling my eyes: Yes, I do.

Rye: And Magnolia has medium toes.

Magnolia laughing: Yes, I do.

Rye: And I have baby toes.

Me: Well, it won’t be long before your feet get really, really big.  Your toes will be much better than mine and Magnolia’s. Uncle Brian’s feet were so big – he wore SIZE THIRTEEN.

Rye: Oh, wow! Size thirteen?! Did he run fast?

Me: Yup, he sure did.

Rye: Did he jump high?

Me: Yup, he sure did.

Rye: Did he fly?

Me: Oh, I hope so, maybe Uncle Brian is somewhere, flying with the angels!

Rye and Magnolia: WOW

I love how Brian has a way of appearing in our lives, be it through memories, pictures, signs, and conversations, even if it comes down to talking about… feet.

Happy birthday, Brian.  We’ll have a cake tonight to celebrate you.

Brian (aged maybe 12) with his cousin, Matthew.

i watched families with their in loving memory of..shirts on as they huddled together as they grieve for their loved ones, and i wished my family, especially my mother as well as my children, were around too.

anyway, it was fitting to run for this grassroot organization, ROCovery fitness, founded by two people in recovery.  what i liked especially about this organization is that they use physical activity to help people get and stay sober. they have this gorgeous space, a renovated 1910 firehouse made possible by an anonymous donor who lost a family member to a drug overdose.  you would’ve liked this organization, and i so can see you being involved, as you were huge on fitness, and staying in shape.  in fact, you told me that when you stopped working out, that was when you felt you lost yourself.

it is my goal to set up a team next year along with my children, to celebrate, remember, and honor you.  hopefully, it will become a yearly tradition.

p.s. bri, apparently rye thinks his trophy deserve a spot on my nightstand.  if you told me that i’d be sleeping next to it when i’m in my forties, i would have scoffed ;).  life is indeed funny.

I laughed when I read “if it is legal”… that sounds like him –  always the goody two shoes one.

Missing my goody two shoes brother especially today,

Lisa

Written by H.J. Collins

Double-barreled action

St. Mary’s Wilson comes at opponents from both sides

In last Saturday’s game against Tech, St. Mary’s had a left-handed pitcher, and thena right-handed left fielder.  This is not an oddity in baseball, but considering it was the same person, it is unique.

Junior Brian Wilson learned a long time ago that he had the ability to throw with either arm, and has been doing it since he was seven or eight years old.

“I have never seen anybody that can throw with both arms,” St Mary’s Coach Bill Ryan said.  “The first time I heard about this was two years ago whenWilsonwas with the JVs, and I’m not sure I believed anybody could do it.”

Wilson is also the starting quarterback for the football team and is a right-handed passer.

“I first realized I could throw with either arm when I was in Little League, the 17 year old said. “I’ve pitched a couple of times at Breed Junior High School and during Babe Ruth with my right arm, but it just feels more natural for me to pitch with my left arm.”

Wilson said he becomes a righty when he is not pitching in order to rest his pitching arm.

“I usually become a righty if I am put in the field after I pitch so I can save my arm,” Wilson said.  “When I go to play the outfield, I just feel I can make the long throw easier with my right arm.”

Wilson said he started playing baseball throwing right-handed but his father, Tom, saw him throwing left-handed in the yard, and believed he threw better with his left arm.

“I actually started Little League by throwing with my right arm, but after my father said he thought I threw harder with my left arm, I changed over, and stopped throwing right-handed,” Wilson said.  “I gave up throwing with my right arm for a while, but after Coach Ryan saw me playing football, he suggested I might want to try to pitching and throwing right-handed.”

Wilson is trying to fine-tune his pitching from both sides, and hopes to get to the point that he can do both in the same game. He is also working on throwing the football left-handed.

“I believe I throw the ball harder with my right arm, so I’ve been working on pitching right-handed during practice,” he said.  “I’d like to pitch a game throwing right-handed to righty batters and left-handed to lefty batters, if it is legal.  I’m also working on passing a football with my left arm, because I think it will help me when I’m scrambling around.”

“I would allow Brian to pitch with both arms in a game as long as it wasn’t a gimmick,” Ryan said.  “If he could show me he could get batters out on a consistent basis using his right arm, I would have no trouble letting him do that.”

Wilson is not like former Red Sox pitcher Greg Harris,who had a glove that could be worn on either hand.  When Wilson becomes a righty, he has to borrow a teammate’s glove.

Rye woke up this morning, and the first thing he said to me was, “Happy Mother’s Day”, which took me by surprise because it is today out of all days – on a Father’s Day, and it took me back to all these years when we would honor Mom on the same “holiday”.

I would like to think reliving my childhood memories are your way of letting me know that you are there watching us.

Missing you now and forever,

Lisa

I find that remembering Brian is a gift in itself. I am very lucky to have him as my brother, and I know he took pride in being my little brother. In fact, when he set up his first AIM so that we can keep in touch while I was away at college, his AIM screen name was LittleBrother78. What 16 year old brother does that? 

I must did something right.
I will be running in a half marathon in his honor on Sunday. 

I smile at the thought of how we both would have reacted back then if we were told that one day I would be running in his honor.  Brian would not believe it, and being the “cool” big sister, I would have scoffed. 
Obviously, Brian did something right too.

this morning was one of these times when i wish you are a text away, and i would send you a link and go, wow, check this out.   and when you do, i know you just get it.  that is sibling love.

so i saw this: a pair of siblings doing a heartbreaking dance about their parents’ divorce….

it took me back to our childhood, bringing tears to my eyes.  if anything, i think our parents’ divorce and everything that came with it was why we were so close.  i cannot imagine life without you back then, so i am very, very thankful that you were by my side.

it also took me back to another part of our childhood, when we made up our own dance performance, and showed it to our mother – repeatedly.  also,  for the sake of going down the childhood memory lane, we would test our memories by doing such performance over the years into our adulthood, which resulted in lots of laughing.

i wish we could perform just one more time…perhaps in front of my children.  who knows, they may be inspired and do a creation of their own…with us being the audience this time around.

there is truly nothing like sibling love.

so, thank you for being the source of such love.  i would not have it any other way.

missing you today, tomorrow and always,

your sister

The children and I celebrated you a little bit early by having cake for dessert after dinner.  I showed them a personal favorite picture of us when we were Magnolia and Rye’s ages.  I told them that this little girl is me, just like Magnolia and this little boy is Brian, just like Rye.  And how we were brother and sister, just like Magnolia and Rye.  Rye ran off to get a picture of them two, and brought it back.  Right there, we had two pictures on the table, however generations apart yet still connected.

I explained to them that you “died” and that you are no longer with us, but how you are always, always my brother.  Magnolia asked me where you are and I replied by saying you are in heaven somewhere.  Magnolia being her empathetic self said that she misses you and I chimed in saying that I miss you too with tears swelling in my eyes.

We ended the evening by having them blow one too many candles and singing “Happy Birthday, dear Uncle Brian”.  It was a bittersweet yet heartwarming moment.

And then we woke up this morning to a gorgeous sunrise.  Rye was like maybe that is a rainbow… which prompted me to smile because I sensed you.

Oh, how I so wish that things are different, that you could physically be part of their lives – like you breaking in that sweet dimpled smile when they shout – “Uncle Brian”.  I am sorry that moments like this are never to come, but one thing that is given, you and I are in Magnolia and Rye…I so see us in them, and that, I am deeply grateful for.

I loved sharing things about you with my children, and I look forward to sharing stories about us with them as they grow.

Happy Birthday, Brian.  You are so much loved and deeply missed by all of us.

Love,

Your sister.

Happy Birthday, Brian.

Love, Mom

I just finished Week Four of Half Marathon training.

And I look forward to running in the Half Marathon in Brian’s honor – on the day after his 10th angel date. It will be an emotional one, for sure – but fitting.

so here we are, the world series begin tonight.  no – the red sox isn’t playing but either way, i know this world series would have special meaning for you – since you are big on baseball and history.  and the story continue for the former red sox folks – tito, theo and lester.

knowing how big you are with history of the ball teams, i know you would be rooting for the chicago cubs. so, in your honor, i will be rooting for the cubs as well.

missing you always,

lisa

it has been more than a year since i last wrote.  although i have not posted anything – you are always, always in my heart.  i see you in my children, magnolia and rye…ALL THE TIME.

and i love it when memories of us come alive through my children.

this past year has been incredibly difficult for me…as i endured painful losses.  i am once again faced with grief – and i have never been so hurt and betrayed on many levels.  i think of you often, and i wonder what you would say about the situation-

then, “you came” by way of a ripped page, peeking out of a box that i have neglected for some time.  i suspect that my daughter was playing with the box, paving the way for me to find “you”.

about few weeks before you died, you were going through a difficult period – this quote caught your attention so you torn the page off  -and put it on your wall as a reminder:

i try to get people to believe that although life isn’t always easy or fair, good things can happen.

and this is exactly what i needed to hear – right now.  

as a friend said, you ripped out the truth.  good things can happen, and they will.  thank you for the message.

i love you, brian.

love,

lisa

i came across to a page – “loving well.  what you would say to a loved one if it was the last time you spoke to them”.  it was written on march 5th, 1993.  brian was 12 years old at the time.

if it was the last time i spoke to a loved one, i would say i love you and remember all the good times that we had with each other.  i would hug and kiss the person many, many times.  we would sit, think and probably cheer each other up then i would probably take a walk with the person and just talk.  i would tell the person that i will miss you.  i would probably cry, talking about old times.  i would probably say i will always love you and miss you.  and i will see you in heaven someday.  that is what i would say to a loved one if it was the last time i spoke to the person.

only if we knew then what was to come.

there was another page that made me smile – he wrote about how his school should just serve mcdonald’s instead of “that plastic pizza, that stale bread, and that sour milk”  

there were also entries about his passion – baseball.  he really did love baseball.  he loved the red sox.  he loved the fact that he was going to play for breed AND west lynn babe ruth.  he even wrote down his statistics :).

and i found another page that touched my heart:

we had a long, successful and fun summer winning the districts and coming in third place in the states.  after we lost, some kids sat in the back of the bus and fooled around.  some people sat in the front of the bus with tears in their eyes.  i sat with ______ (removed the name of the kid out of respect) when everybody was making fun of him.  on the inside, i was mad at this kid because he blew the game, but i felt bad for him so i decided to sit with him on the bus ride home, and that was the end of a long ride.

yup, this is coming from a 13 year old kid.  i really took pride in being his sister then, and i still am very proud of brian.

loving and missing you..brian.

love your sister, lisa

Happy birthday to the best son ever! Words cannot express how much I miss you.  I have to try to keep the grief at “arms length” most days but sometimes it “hits me” that you are really gone and I “shut down”.  You are an uncle now and you would have loved your niece and nephew!

Usually I would be visiting your sister but that will happen next month where we will do something together in your memory.

I love you Brian and Happy Birthday!

Mom

although i do not post much, you are always, always in my thoughts. i see you in my children, also your niece and nephew, and apparently, your nephew inherited some of your looks. you would be amazed with their athleticism. your niece runs…FAST, too fast for my taste, and your nephew is like a little linebacker. i show them pictures of you, and they know who you are…their uncle :).

ive said it before,and i will say it again, siblings are the best relationship to experience in life. i’m so, so glad that my children will get to experience that.  and i get to relive some of our childhood memories through them.

anyway, i saw a picture of tom brady in high school, and immediately i thought of you. when i see brady on the field… i see you in him. he is the closest thing in life that gives me an idea of how you look – when you’re in your thirties. i can so imagine you giving me that WTF look, but ha, it is true.

anyway, where ever you are, i hope you are good. i love you.

your sister always, lisa

we miss you just as much now as the day you died.  we miss being in your presence.  your voice, conversations, wisdom and kindness. your dry wit and sense of humor.  they say “a man never dies if his memory is alive”.  well you live on in us.  we talk about you often.  you are an uncle now and we see “you” in your niece and nephew.  we will celebrate your birthday today recalling fondly all that we had and your memory definitely lives on in us.

love,

mom

so much have happened, yet so many things stay the same.

as i age, i encounter death more often than not, which means more triggers.  i remember people telling me that it would get easier.  it doesn’t get easier.  i still miss you.  i still have days and weeks when it is just as painful as it was the first few days.  and there are triggering moments, which forces me to deal with my grief.

anyway, the holidays… the best part of it was my children.  there are countless occasions when i am watching them and then i am reminded of us.  it could be how they play, interact – or, naturally, fight.  something sticks out, and i remember our old days.  there’s always a pang of sadness, a feeling of nostalgia or a moment of bittersweet.

i so wish you could be part of my children’s lives.  i remember growing up not knowing my grandfather, or uncle and that was “normal”.  im sad that because youre not physically around, that’s the norm for my children as they do not know anything else.  you would have loved being an uncle to magnolia and rye, and i know you would’ve been awesome.

and i see you in my children.  theyre ballers in the making!  you would’ve been proud.

missing you always,

lisa

love, your sister

mom is in town visiting and we are spending the day celebrating you.  mom brought a journal from your junior high days for one of these english classes – and she came across to a page:

what you would say to a loved one if it was the last time you spoke to them – written 3/5/93

if it was the last time i spoke to a loved one, i would say i love you and remember all the good times that we had with each other.  i would hug and kiss the person many, many times.  we would sit there and probably cheer each other up.  then i would probably take a walk with the person and just talk.  i would tell the person that i will miss you.  i would probably cry, talking about old times.  i would probably say i will always love you and miss you.  and i will see you in heaven someday.  that is what i would say to a loved one if it was the last time i spoke to the person.  

you were always an introspective person and a person of few words, so seeing your words resurfacing through a journal were bittersweet yet heartwarming.

so, you’re now 34 – with memories of you at 27 years old or younger frozen in time, while the rest of us ages.  it is still something that i would never get used to – but it is what it is. 

happy birthday, dear brian.

loving you today and always,

lisa and mom

another christmas is here again, and you are still missed as much.  we wish you were here with us, waiting anxiously for the birth of your first nephew – a supposedly future linebacker, says the midwife.  

you visited me in my dreams last night – i “saw” you somewhere with a bunch of cards in a bag – it’s so you, going out shopping at the last minute on xmas eve.  it made me smile.  you  always wait until the last minute but you do it with such thoughtfulness.

ive been thinking about you a lot more so than ever, probably because i am excited about the prospect of magnolia gaining a sibling, not only a sibling, but a brother.  having a brother is truly a gift.  i cannot wait for magnolia to experience the same bond that you and i shared and still share, for i still feel your presence everywhere, after all you’re a part of me – no matter what.  i know you liked being the little brother, although you were never so little.  and i loved, and still love being the big sister and i look forward to magnolia reveling in the same role.  

anyhoo, we all missed you yesterday, missed you today, and will continue to miss you tomorrow but you are never, never far from our thoughts.

XO

“I thought of you today, but that is nothing new.  I thought about you yesterday and days before that too.  I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.  All I have are memories and a picture in a frame.  Your memory is a keepsake, from which I’ll never part.  God has you in His arms. I have you in my heart….”

Mom re-posted this on her wall, and wanted me to post it on the website.

Brian, I still cannot believe it has been five years since we lost you.  After all these years, I still struggle to make sense out of it.  How could life be so cruel to take you away from us at such a young age? You were not even 30 yet.  You practically had a lifetime ahead of you.

I often wonder what would have become, if different choices were made back then.  I’ll always wonder. 

We miss you, Brian, so much.  We think about you all the time and we miss you as much today as we did five years ago.  Every time we’re together, we talk about our favorite memories of you. 

And without fail, tears come to our eyes as we take a moment to remember just how much we really miss you.

It’s really strange how five years feels like yesterday, but at times, it feels like a century ago.  The pain never goes away, and it’s funny how I never want it to.  It is like if I deny the pain, I am letting you go.

And that will never happen, as you are forever and always a huge part of us.

We miss you today and always.

Love,

Lisa 

Dear Brian,

“Mothers hold their children’s hands for a while and their hearts forever”

It was always just the three of us.  While the pain of lising you is intense, we would still choose to have you in our lives.  Sometimes we pretend you are just “away” to lessen the hurt.  We often share memories of cherished times with one another.  Family gatherings have grown with new loved ones but your absence leaves a painful void.  We miss your handsome face, your voice, your wit, your laugh, your smile, your touch, and so many more things!

Happy Birthday to you in Heaven! We know if you were here, you would be having a great time with friends and family on your Birthday…especially with March Madness and St. Patrick’s Day events happening too!

We love and miss you, Brian.

Love, Mom

i often wonder what it would be like being in touch with you through all these social networks (facebook, instagram and so on). i see all these posts/notes/pictures shared between siblings, and it makes me miss you dearly.

i also wonder what you would be like as an uncle to our beautiful magnolia. 

i think of you every time we play “ball” with magnolia and how great it would have been if you were playing “ball” with her. 

it’s surreal to see how much i have moved on yet there is a small part of me frozen in time, when i last saw you alive. 

once again, you will be missed this christmas but we will indulge in the spirit of the holiday as a way of remembering you. 

we love and miss you so much.

an excerpt from brian’s college essay:

throughout my life, my mother has been the inspiration of my life.  she has given my life meaning and to this day, i will always be grateful to the love and support she has provided me in my life.

my mother raised my sister and i all by herself and provided a standard for what hard work is all about.  watching the daily struggles of a single mother entitles a child to try and strive for a better life for himself.  throughout my life, i have aspired to life the american dream by trying to strive to live a better life for one self.  my mother has dedicated her life to teaching and i have seen her life as a struggle but her happiness stem from the reward of helping others.  my mother has truly set an example on how to perservere and help others who may be more in need of help themselves.

mom, i know in my heart that somewhere out there, brian’s watching over you with lots of love and we continue to be proud of you.

xoxo

we cannot believe that it has been four years since you left earth. you are in our thoughts and memories daily. just the other day, i was looking for the picture of you running in boston marathon when you were a kid (i still cannot find it, it is here somewhere) as i wanted to post it on the website, i came across to a letter that made me smile, and i read it to mom, and she smiled too.  mom wrote it to me when i was in college – i think my freshman year or something like that – which was fifteen years ago?!

here’s an excerpt of the letter:

“brian came home on saturday. it scared me though cause the boat came and his luggage was there but no brian. he went for lunch and missed the ferry. it was pulling out when he arrived.  he was going to try and jump on it but he had his golf clubs with him.  well, when the ferry came and no brian, i thought he fell off and no one saw him.  well along he came fifteen minutes late on another boat called the speedy ferry.  it only takes an hour.  but you know me, i was scared.”

it’s memories like that i have and cherish – forever.  it’s all i have of you, really. oh, and the love too. 

Love Lives On

Those we love are never really lost to us–
we feel them in so many special ways–
through friends they always cared about
and dreams they left behind,
in beauty that they added to our days…
in words of wisdom we still carry with us
and memories that never will be gone…
Those we love
are never really lost to us–
for everywhere their special love lives on.
~ Amanda Bradley ~

missing you forever and always. XOXO

it is still hard to believe that this amount of time has gone by without you in our lives.  it still does not seem real and these last four years definitely did not ease the pain.

i miss you, just like i do every other day of my life.  but just like you would have wanted me to do – i am living my life to the fullest…and you’re always part of it.

i know how being healthy was important to you – i still remember the old days at the beach – running by the water and those trips to the gym  – you teaching me workouts and such.

so, in your honor, on your birthday, i decided to jump back on the healthy train, and by doing so – i participated in an irish-themed 5K race.  what’s fitting about this race is that it took place ON your birthday.  even more, it’s the THIRTEENTH (your birth date) annual shamrock run and walk.

you would have loved the irish spirit, as green and shamrock were everywhere.

i had a picture of you on my shirt, and i ran with loving thoughts of you.

love,

lisa

time does not erase the pain of your being gone.  i remember celebrating your 28th and i wish we could celebrate your 32nd birthday together.  i still cannot believe that you are gone and hope, where ever you are, that you have a happy birthday! i plan to go to one of your favorite spots today in your memory.

here is a list of 32 things i miss about you.

1. you picking out the perfect christmas gift for a girl you never met
2. you playing santa in the 6th grade concert
3. you reciting Casey At The Bat
4. pump sneakers
5. me trying to teach you to drive a standard (not so funny)
6. how you loved the “money system” at Fallon
7. your favorite sport – kickball at recess
8. you and grandpa rambling on about sports
9. you watching a Larry Bird video repeatedly
10. your passion for March Madness
11. taking you to the batting cages
12. one of your favorite baseball gloves (it’s blue)
13. your collection of baseball cards
14. the first and last time at the Roller World
15. you wearing a Michael Jackson jacket when you were just perhaps four
16. you coming home from caddy camp always tan and taller with a summer worth of dirty laundry
17. you jogging at the beach in january with a weight vest
    
18. your passion for playing three sports at SMH
19. your favorite easton bat
20. me telling you not to “laugh” at your sister’s new hairstyles
21. how proud i was of you at your UMASS graduation
22. listening to you and your friends joke around (lisa here, in other words, nosing around ;))
23. you helping me with the compiter
24. the many hats you wore proudly
25. your dry sense of humor
26. your handsome dimpled face
27. how you loved being Irish and St Patrick Day
28. you fingerspelling rather effectively with Lisa
29. your presence at all family gatherings (they’re not the same without you)
30. your slow perfect smile
31. your blue eyes
32. and lastly, your kindness to others.
    

love, mom

yes, life goes on, but still, you are missed.

we all will be thinking of you and the warm memories we have of you on this day.

we love you.

you were remembered at the worldwide candle light ceremony and are thought of often by those who love you and continue to yearn for your physical presence.

love, mom and lisa



Author: Anonymous

Not – How did he die? But – How did he live?

Not – What did he gain? But – What did he give?

These are the things that measure the worth

Of a man as a man, regardless of birth.

Not – What was his station? But – had he a heart?

And – How did he play his God-given part?

Was he ever ready with a word of good cheer?

To bring back a smile, to banish a tear?

Not – What was his church? Not – What was his creed?

But – Had he befriended those really in need?

Not – What did the sketch in the newspaper say?

But – How many were sorry when he passed away?

These are the things that measure the worth

Of a man as a man, regardless of birth.



whereever you are, please watch over our little magnolia briann.

again,  i couldnt let the game go by without having your name on the scoreboard.

you were missed, as always.

Winged Jewel unknown

With wings spun of silver and hearts of gold, These tiny creatures our hearts behold. With angelic features and colors so bright, Make even the heaviest heart seem light. The magical way they flit through the sky, They appear, then vanish in the blink of an eye. They’re sending a message for us to retrieve, Anything’s possible for those who believe.

anyway, i’m missing you more than ever. 

love, lisa

p.s. red sox’s coming to town, and of course, i’m going to one of the games in your honor.   what’s funny is that the opposing team has a closer whose name is also brian wilson. and what’s more, he was born in march, but 3 days after yours and yup, massachusetts was his birth state.   but, he’s not as handsome as you were…

we did it again this year –  the balloon release.  

we looked up at the sky, and wonder how you are doing.  i wish you could tell us that you are ok.  the pain of losing you can never take away the joy of having you in our lives.  the life you lived was remembered by releasing a balloon with heartfelt messages from loved ones written on it.  as we watched the balloons float away, we sensed you gazing down from heaven above.

you remain in our hearts forever.

love,

mom

Three years has come and gone, and it seems like an eternity because we never stop yearning for your physical presence.  Memories of you persist and echoes of you continue to surround us in our daily lives.  We choose to think of you as ‘away’, not ‘gone’.  Of course, we often wonder what you would be doing today and who you would be.  We often see others with their son/brother and we think to ourselves: ‘I had that once”.

Brian, thank you for all those experiences cause they were wonderful and we are both better people for having had you in our lives.  As painful as it was to lose you, it would have been worse to never have had you in our lives and for that we are forever grateful.  Whatever is the plan, we know wherever you are, you are watching over us and we hope you know how much and how often you are thought of by both of us.

We love you.

Mom and Lisa

P.S.  Lisa here, I’m going to have French onion soup and a visualized Dunkin Donuts iced coffee for lunch in your honor.   I remember when we were living in Maryland, you found it baffling that the nearest Dunkin Donuts were like 10 miles away rather than just down the street.  Well, how about 105 miles this time?  

wow.  it has been more than three years since i last saw you alive, when you dropped me off at the airport.

i really didnt know much then, and three years later,  i still have a lot of  unanswered questions.  time really does not make any difference.

and ive SO much to tell you and im sad that i cannot just email, or IM you like the old days.

i miss you.

love, lisa

brian,

you were a beautiful baby and grew to be the best little boy ever! as a teenager, your natural athletic ability led you to excel in three sports.  as a young man, you graduated from college by working so hard.  i was so proud of you! you always tried to do the right thing.  you accomplished a lot in your young life.  you had hopes and dreams.  no one could have imagined your life here on earth would end so soon.  our longing for you is neverending.  you are forever in our hearts and it is on days like this we remember all that we had and sadly all that we lost.  lisa and i love and miss you so much.  lisa and i will be together today and will be taking a day trip to a coastal town to honor your memory. 

happy 31st birthday, brian.

love, mom

here’s an excerpt:

1995 — RAMS ROMP 54-0. Ken Green, Chris Mulcahy, Brian Smith, QB Mike Zukowski, Steve Fiste, Jeremy Collins, Jim Magner, Dennis Murphy and Bari Gibson led the way over Marblehead. Brian Wilson, Joe Ferrari and Kevin Norris excelled at St. Mary’s.

source: http://www.ci.lynn.ma.us/attractions_manningfield.shtml

love, lisa

p.s. our mother saved every single newspaper clipping that has to do with you, so here is one:

Every holiday that you aren’t here I tell myself you’re away
So I don’t have to deal with the hurt of knowing exactly where you lay

Brian I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss your face
And knowing you would always be there for me, just in case

When we were kids all I wanted was to be by your side
I followed you around and would never let you hide

You were like the brother that I never ever had
Letting me tag along with you and make Lisa and Amy mad

I’ll never forget those days playing ball down Stocker Park
And the sound of grandmas voice calling for us when it got dark

I even remember you playing dolls with me until you had to go
And you letting me beat you in the Mike Tyson game on Nintendo

If only I had known then what was going to happen in a few years
Brian I swear I would have been closer to you and cried all of your tears

I get mad sometimes and ask god why it had to be you
I never get an answer but know that he and grandpa needed you too

I looked up to you as kids and I know that I am now
Only this time it’s to heaven and I just wish I knew how

After these few years of not having you and pretending you’re away
Even if it hurts, I promise now I will face it and think of you everyday

I can’t wait to see you and hug you once again
I can only hope to be as strong as your mother and Lisa until then.

I love you so much Brian.
Miss you,
Jodi

as you know, this year marks the third christmas without you and it’s still very hard, especially because you have always been the ‘central’ of the holiday spirit. you were the one who went out to get the christmas tree. you were the first one awake on the christmas day. and you were the one who always made sure we got what we wanted.

 
ive been missing you now – more than ever. i’ve been trying to hold onto my memories of you, such as what you smell like, how you sign, and, of course, your beautiful dimpled smile.  i miss our talks. the list could go on and on. one of my greatest fears is that these memories would fade with time.

so that’s when I realized the obvious – ive to write things down more often.
one memory i have of you is dressing as a santa claus at my 12th birthday party.  you were the best santa claus ever and no one could ever say ‘ho ho ho’ as amusedly as you did.  and i love how you signed, ‘santa claus’.  you would ask us what we want for christmas from ‘holding loose claws in front of your cheeks then bringing these down in an arc’ (santa claus).

bri, i have one christmas wish – i want our mother to relive one day in our past where the three of us were together once again. it could be just any day. maybe a day at the beach where our family spent so many summer days at.  i actually wouldn’t mind revisiting a football game where you played in, and our mom sitting in the stands, cheering for your every move. it could also be a day where we would all be sitting in the living room, making jokes and laughing with one another or a christmas day when you would take your sweeeeeet time opening gifts just so that the day would last ‘longer’.  actually, it doesn’t matter which day you choose.  i want our mother to get to see you, laugh and smile with you,  just one more time.

i know this wish cannot be wrapped in a box nor stuffed in a stocking. i know you will not be able to send it down from wherever you are, or place it under the tree, but if you can please try and find a way to give our mom aday in the past with you, it will mean the world to me.

even if you can only make it happen in a dream.

merry christmas, brian, where ever you are.

love, lisa

p.s. we recently discovered this picture – and we think you never got a chance to see it….but would have liked it.

how could i ever think of my birthday without thinking of you?

youre part of those early memories that always take me home to happy days filled with family laughter.

its funny how as i age, you will remain ‘young’  (yes, i can imagine you giving me that ‘concerned’ look while  making fun of my ever growing gray hair).

although youre no longer physically here on earth, you will always be a treasured part of my birthday…a treasured part of my life…always.

i can still ‘see’ you signing ‘happy birthday’.

i love you.

lisa

field of dreams was one of your favorite baseball movies.

“Is this heaven?…It’s Iowa….I could have sworn this was heaven…Is there a heaven?…Oh yeah, it’s the place where dreams come true…Maybe this is heaven.” (Field of Dreams,1989)

where ever you are, may all of your dreams come true.

xoxo

my family lit a candle at 7PM EST for you and i did the same at 7PM PST from my living room.

i miss you.

love, lisa

]]> https://brianthomaswilson.wordpress.com/2009/12/18/worldwide-candle-lighting/feed/ 0 111 lisa marie candle https://brianthomaswilson.wordpress.com/2009/12/16/thanksgiving-2009/ https://brianthomaswilson.wordpress.com/2009/12/16/thanksgiving-2009/#comments Wed, 16 Dec 2009 19:32:12 +0000 http://brianthomaswilson.wordpress.com/?p=106 dear brian,

on thanksgiving, we reflected on what we were thankful for and we agreed that we are most thankful to have had you in our lives.

we celebrated you over the break by going to the celtics game and yes, we won.

we continue to miss you more than ever…

love,

mom and lisa

thank you for that memory.

missing you tonight and always.

love, lisa

i wont be lying when i say ive been walking around in this daze of denial from time to time, more often than i should – but its my way of coping.  its just easier that way, thinking that youre still at home.  but the truth’s always there in the back of my head – that you’re really gone.

i remember people telling me that time would heal – and thats definitely not the case.   but rather, like i said in one of my earlier posts,  ive gotten used to the pain.   i just miss you, and i always will, and that hurts.  but im used to it. 

anyway, mom forwarded a poem, and i liked it and made some modifications – it pretty much sum up how i live my life in your memory.

to honor you, i get up everyday and take a breath

and start another day without you in it.

to honor you, i laugh and love with those who knew your slow perfect smile and the way you communicate with me – by fingerspelling somewhat excessively.

to honor you, i take the time to appreciate everyone i love, i know now there is no guarantee of days or hours spent in their presence.

to honor you, i watch your favorite sports team and cheer at the top of my lungs whenever they are winning.  

to honor you, i take chances, say what i feel, hold nothing back, risk making a fool of myself, and dance every dance.

you were the best brother  i could ever have.

so everyday, i vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh, and love.

now i live for us both, so all i do, i do to honor you.

i love you, brian.

love,

lisa

there’s never a day that goes by without thinking, missing and loving you.

it has been two years now and while we were mostly numb the first year,  the numbness has worn off this past year yet the pain continue and more than ever, mom and i miss you.

we continue to forever cherish our memories of you.  we are always glad that we knew you and we continue to treasure the relationship we have with you.

wherever you are, please watch over us as we feel you are.

love,

mom and lisa

brian with one of his college friends during spring break

Exactly 30 years ago today, Brian Thomas Wilson was born! 

Both Brian and I had loads of fun while growing up.  Brian and I, along with our cousins (as well as friends on the street and in the neighborhood) were incredibly blessed.  We had that awesome park (which was practically steps away) filled with dirt hills which made it fun to ride our bikes on.  We had the basketball court and the coolest monkey bar in our own backyard.  We had the “must be there” 4^th of July block party that happened every year for a good while.  He was always the ‘star’ in the city- be it from playing basketball, baseball or basketball.  We went to different colleges but have always kept in touch.  We moved to DC after college and indulged in exchanging silly stories of our “quarter-life crises” and then we went our separate ways when he realized that his heart belongs to Boston.  Unfortunately, Brian didn’t live long enough to see what would have become of him and we will never know.

And it’s days like today that makes me wonder:  how would he have spent today to celebrate this milestone birthday?    I’d probably come to Boston and insist on a night out in town—with a few of his closest friends – and go to the Celtics game.  And I know he would’ve agreed to it even if he probably would’ve been more content with a low-key night at the local neighborhood bar playing pool.  Right, Mom? J 

When I was little, I really had no clue what would have become of Brian.  I naturally assumed that life would happen as it should be: us growing old together and continue this legacy of family (our children becoming cousins, him being an Uncle to mine and so on).  When Brian died, it shattered that assumption and my life forever changed and I was afraid that I would never be able to recall my childhood memories without being overwhelmed with sadness.

But it is the opposite.   Recalling these memories of our lives make me smile.  These thoughts make me feel warm.  And of course, thinking of Brian always makes me miss him more than ever.   

To continue our tradition of celebrating you, we compiled a list of thirty things that we miss about you:

1 .your slow perfect dimpled smile 2.  your calm reassuring voice 3.  the sound of the basketball hitting the pavement repeatedly when you walked in the driveway 4. seeing you walk in wearing your dirty football/baseball uniform 5. hearing your size 13 feet make their way up the stair 6. you teasing mom about some of her favorite TV shows 7. some of your people impressions 8. your intuitive thoughts 9. helping mom with the computer 10.  you always pointing out the good in people 11. the way you always loved the most recent hat you bought 12.  your appreciative nod of approval when opening a present 13. your genuine interest  in a person when conversing with them because you were such a great listener 14. seeing how kind and funny you were with children 15. seeing you check yourself out in the mirror after a haircut 16. always around to do the shoveling or pick up your sister at the airport on holidays 17. watching you ever so seriously examine a new pair of sneakers you bough 18. reaching up to get a quick hug 19. our shared affection for rainy day 20. your bright blue eyes  21. mom giving you “tuck ins” when you were a little a boy with your stuffed dog “Poochie” 20. bringing your friends around when you were a teenager and listening to you joke around with them. 21. you humiliating lisa by showing her friends the picture that lisa especially hates from 6^th grade 22. your doodles/drawings here, there and everywhere at home 23. watching your cannon like passes 24. your awful and “whattt?”jokes 25. periods when you would use sign language only to annoy mom 26. the way you ask if we need anything before you go out 27. taking out the sports page only when getting the newspaper 28. you swinging the bat nonstop, both indoors and outdoors 29. how you easily blend in (be it in a group of elders or deaf people and so on) 30. and of course, your sweetness.

 So, Brian, wherever you are, Mom and I wish you a Happy 30^th!  Of course, you are not forgotten.  And, although you are no longer physically with us, we are going to celebrate 30 years of having you (be it physically, mentally and emotionally) in our lives!

Love,

Lisa and Mom

brian at grandma’s several christmases ago 

how very much you’re missed
isn’t easy to explain
for, words never could convey
the sadness and the pain.

although gone now from this life
you’ve left memories to treasure
that are the sweetest kind
and will softly stay forever.

at christmastime especially
you’re missed throughout each day
and all those lovely memories
are with us, here to stay.

we love you, mom and lisa

i was reading about 9/11 and someone mentioned an irish proverb:

 “death leaves a heartache no one can heal. love leaves a memory no one can steal.”

like the victims of 9/11, your death didn’t have to happen.

we can relate to the saddest hearts on this anniversary although we had no idea of the intense longing at the time for the presence of a loved one after a tragic event.  we try to remember that you would not want us to be sad all the time and we try not to be angry about what happened to you but to smile because we had you in our lives.

brian, we love you.

So another summer without you came and went…

With that painful hole still lingering around.

At least we’re able to close our eyes and see your beautiful dimpled laugh and get warmed at the sight of it.

We’re missing you today, and will continue to miss you in the days and years ahead.

Love,

Mom and Lisa

“Take a good look around, sports fans. There will never ever be another time like this. You won’t see it again in your lifetime or in the lifetimes of your children.”

It hit me.  I witnessed this, and you didn’t??

It is NOT right.

There is one thing that is for sure, that very moment, when both the Sox and Celtics won this past year, you were thought of by those who knew you…. 

because you and Boston teams go hand in hand.

I love you, Brian, and I miss you so much.

Love,

Lisa

dear brian,

the pain of losing you can never take away the joy of having you in our lives.  the life you lived was remembered by releasing a balloon with heartfelt messages from loved ones written on it.  as we watched the balloons float away, we sensed you gazing down from heaven above.

you remain in our hearts forever.

love,

mom

dear brian,

on your first angel day, lisa and i attended the red sox game in your honor. thanks to a dear friend of lisa’s, we were geared with green (your favorite color) red sox caps with shamrock in the back, which you would have liked.

 during the middle of the second inning, we saw your name up on the scoreboard.  of course, it brought tears to our eyes but pride to our hearts.

the game was a pitchers’ duel which we know you would have appreciated! the game finally ended with a hit in the 9th by you-k which was exciting but bittersweet for us.  the atmosphere at fenway provided some joy for us which we know is what you would have wanted.  we felt your presence at the park.

forever in my heart,

mom

To us, you were so special,
in our eyes, you will always shine,
of all the brothers and sons in the world, we’re proud that you were ours.
Always loved and remembered by your sister and mother. 

Dear Mrs. Wilson,

I was so sorry to hear about Brian’s death. He was a wonderful young man.

We remember students for two reasons, beacause they are exceptional or a challenge.

Brain was exceptional. I still tell my students about the day he spoke his mind and felt that he was defending his sister.  Having Brain in my fifth grade was a wonderful experience that has affected my life as a teacher in many positive ways. I will remember him always.  His memory will affect all the students that I teach. I will keep both you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers. 

Thank you for sharing Brain with me.

Sincerely,

Mary Ann Murray, Brian’s 5th grade teacher

—————-

Brian, as you can see, you were and will always be a great influence in all of our lives.

We miss you.

Love,

Lisa & Mom

It has been exactly a year since you drove me to the airport in the wee hours of the morning, with dunkin donuts iced coffee in our hands. I remember you telling me, for the first time, how you wished I could stick around longer since my visit was too short. I teased you by saying, “oh my, you’re actually going to miss your sister?! what has the world come to?!”. We laughed-oh how I miss seeing your dimpled laughs. It was hard for me to leave too, especially since I felt we were closer than ever. We parted, with you coming out of the car to give me a hug, agreeing that you will come to visit us in Berkeley, perhaps when Red Sox is in town playing.

Little did I know that it would be the last time I saw you alive.

In the past eleven months, I have suffered the deepest pain I have ever known. My heart aches and there were times when my whole body feels like it weigh a thousand tons and my throat gets tight – as if it’s badly bruised. I am far, far from being healed. While I know I’ll get used to this- the pain- as it becomes tolerable, I do not expect to be ever healed.

It’ll probably take years to reconcile myself to life without you being physically here. After all, you were here for as long as I’ve known. I don’t think I will ever accept your death and how can I be “me” without you? But, I’m trying to define a new connection with you, my dear brother, because you remain a part of me… you still exist….although it’s not the way that I would have liked.

I miss you more and more everyday. When I think that you are actually gone, it feels so surreal. With me being in California, it is easy to put it out of my head and pretend that you’re still at home then the pain comes back, that hardening in my throat, knowing that I will not see you again…ever again. And to try to explain what it is like to lose a sibling at such a young age is unexplainable to anyone who has not had it happen, but then again, the way I feel cannot be felt or understood because no one had the relationship with you that I had-that ‘Lisa/Brian’ bond, which I will forever hold onto.

I remember you picking me up every time I come home. I remember our email conversations. I remember you telling me about your dreams. I remember your warm beary hugs. I remember you asking if I wanted anything at Dunkin Donuts. I remember our walks on the beach. I remember you trying to show me how to breathe while running. I remember so many things, and I so want these moments back. All of our inside jokes are gone, our subtle understandings of the way certain people acted are gone, sibling reminiscings are gone and it has been a lonely ride… a ride that I have to live with for the rest of my life.

And it’s unfair.

I don’t know how to be a “family” without you, Brian. I don’t know how to be a cousin to my cousins. I don’t know how to be a niece to my aunts and uncles. I don’t know how to be a granddaughter to Grandma. Even so, I don’t know how to be a daughter to Mom.

It’s just not the same.

It hurts, seeing Mom’s pain. It is so incredibly raw. Even though she hide her feelings from us, I know that what she is going through is literally hell on earth – experiencing all sort of feelings that no mother should go through-dealing with the knot in the stomach that will not go away to the overwhelming power of disbelief. I know- that she cries everyday – that her body feels like a bruise as well as if it’s weighted to the ground – that when there are no tears in her eyes, it’s still there— only that they’re invisible. I know you are the last thing Mom thinks of at night to the first thing she thinks of in the morning (and every moment in between).

Yet Mom manages to actually live. From time to time, she would smile and laugh. She’s always there when I need her. And unlike most of bereaved siblings that I’ve come in touch with, I’m able to talk about you all the time with Mom- all the time. I’m so lucky to be able to communicate my feelings to Mom, and in return, she does the same. It’s like I feel what she feel, and vice versa and we’re always on the same page. She understands. For example, we’re so determined to honor you in every way possible- so we’re going to the Red Sox game when I come home. Another example is her letting your best friends, Charlie and Matt, take her out for Brunch- again, in your honor. In a way, we make sure you still exist…but through us. Brian, as usual, she’s being the best Mother ever and you would have been proud of her.

A part of us really went with you when you left.

What I do know is that I will always be proud to be your sister. What I can do is to honor you by being the best person possible, for I am a part of you. What I will do is to continue to take a good care of mom and myself, because I know that’s what you would want us to do. Because of you, I’ve learned that life is literally way too short to be around toxic people – you know who I’m talking about, so I am going to stay clear of them – and try to live my life to the fullest – for you.

And Brian, I’ll make sure that you are remembered, forever and always. That’s easily done.

I promise.

Love Always,

Your Sister, Lisa

 on thursday, we hit the beach in san francisco for a short while in honor of your birthday.  it was a beautiful day at the beach ~ the last time i went there was a little after i found out that you were gone.   even though youre on my mind all the time, i  think that’s gonna be the place to go from now on to remember you.  you would’ve liked the spot– it’s not too hot, it’s  spacious and the waves are really beautiful. 

 at the beach, i felt you with me– when the sun peeked out of the clouds:

.

 and of course, i couldn’t leave without literally wishing you a happy birthday, for the world to see:

 .

so today’s st. patrick’s day.  mom emailed me and said:

 “we know his irish eyes are smiling down at us from heaven.  we are blessed to have had him in our lives and heaven is blessed to have him now”.

wherever you are, i hope everything’s alright and that you know you are missed greatly.

 happy st. patrick’s day.

 love your sister,

lisa

dearest brian,

today is a special day, because of you! when you first came home, mom said that i was curious, happy and intrigued, probably poking you from head to toes ~ then you were the world to me, and you still are! i would not trade you for any other brother.

for as long as i remember, it was always just the three of us, and while we were happy for most parts, there were definitely hardships and challenges that mom, you and i went through together. looking back, they are nothing compared to losing you. naturally, a part of us went with you but nothing can ever take away the love that we have for you.

to celebrate your birthday, mom and i compiled a list of 29 things that we miss about you.

while we cannot bring the old days back, we will always cherish these memories and you will forever be in our hearts.

we love you and miss you each and every moment.

happy birthday.

love,
mom and lisa

Dear Family and Friends, 

Thank you to all of you for expressing your love for Brian by attending the Candle Light Ceremony.  Your caring and concern has helped us to cope with the painful loss and absence of Brian whom we will always continue to treasure and love.  Sharing the pain and loss of Brian with all of you has given my mother and I strength to get through this.

With much love, Lisa, Brian’s Sister

we miss and love you.

thanks to everyone who so graciously shared their memories about brian over the past few days. it is remarkable how we all have so many similiar experiences and memories. it is evident that the ‘brian factor’ is a common denominator in all of our lives.

everyone feels that they were special in brian’s eyes. brian was like that. when you were with him, you knew that he was ‘in the game’ with you. the reality is… nobody meant more to brian than lisa and linda. brian so admired his beautiful and accomplished sister that he could not say her name without his blue eyes lighting-up and the slow perfect smile taking over his face. his dedication to his mother, linda, was only matched by her dedication to him. when he talked about things that were important to him, linda was always at the top of the list.

because brian was not capable of mean– because he could not direct ill will toward anyone– it was easy to feel comfortable with him. whether it is playing hide and seek in andover or having desert in lynnfield on thanksgiving, it was special because… brian was there.

a big part of brian’s happy childhood was time spent with his cousins. it was a mutual joy. the memories of time at the beach, visits to nantucket, playing wiffle ball or kick-ball, family cook-outs, and holiday gatherings are cherished by all.

i remember going a bit overboard at one of brian’s little league games. when one of his teammates asked who was making all the noise, brian simply said, “that’s my family; they admire me”.

we did then and we do now!

and when you became his friend, you were a friend forever. brian could evoke a smile from his friends even before any words were spoken. his friends had the same effect on him. — true friendship!

brian was special in lots of other ways…

doug, for the longest time could not figure out how his cousin five years younger could be so much better in sports.

brian was the subject of more than one argument when someone would ask if he threw right-handed or left-handed. eventually everyone caught-on and realized that he was a star left-handed pitcher while being a star right-handed quarterback. brian could score on the basketball court with either hand.

and he taught more than one young man here how to throw and hit a ball. you will have that gift forever. please pass it on.

brian caused a stir in the SAT prep course among’s liz’s friends; not because he solved some calculus problem, but because of his charm and strong good looks.

he was mistaken for tom brady more than once; brian got a kick out of that. no one here would ever make that mistake; we all know he is better looking than brady.

when brian’s grandmother kay and grandfather dick were sick at different times, he brought them comfort and happiness. he was so diligent about visiting them. i know they forgot about their illnesses for a while as he engaged them in the latest talk about the sox or pats.

speaking of boston sports, brian loved nothing more than going to a game. anyone here who shared that experience with brian knows how much he loved the celtics, sox and pats and how much he knew about them. seeing a game will always invoke fond memories of brian. for many of us, brian is forever linked to boston sports.

in brian’s short life, he gave more than he took. he was captain of his high school teams, he graduated magna cum laude from university and he always picked out the best christmas tree. brian brought incredible joy and pride to all of us.

one of the most loving experiences brian had was in fact, pretty recent. lisa made a beautiful and loving memory book for brian on his birthday. if you ever get to see it, you will be moved by the strong and positive message of love that brian received from lisa. this quickly became his most cherished possession. thank you, lisa.

a professor from virginia tech who lost a daughter in that tragedy, subsequently assigned his students to make sure that they created memories with their families… because when someone leaves us, we only have memories left. brian, you have done well with that assignment!

on the day brian passed away, he was talking to his mother about jim abbott- a one handed professional baseball pitcher. he said, “mom, you know what this pitcher said? he said although life isn’t fair, good things can happen”! brian had a way to see depth in a statement like that. brian had plans and hopes for good things to happen in his life but God had other plans. because we have the memories, we can let you go. brian, i think you know this but i will say it again on behalf of your friends and family:

we love you, may you rest in peace.

~jim Krzywicki, one of Brian’s role models and uncle

march 13, 1979 – april 29, 2007

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.
~Mary Frye

In lieu of flowers, the family request donations in Brian Wilson’s name be sent to:    

St. Mary’s Alumni Scholarship Fund   

35 Tremont St., Lynn, MA  01904