Inside Martyn's Thoughts

Pushed Into Complicity

2026-09-26T01:26:01.212+01:00

I’ve written about ableism for years, naming the quiet harm disabled people carry, the assumptions people make, the jokes people think are funny, and the way systems misunderstand us long before they understand our needs. I’ve written about privilege, accessibility, independence, autonomy, participation, equality and equity. Topics that need discussing. Today I’m writing about something harder. Complicity.

Disabled people learn early that speaking up comes with consequences. We’re told to be patient, grateful, calm, accommodating, to wait our turn, soften our tone, and trust that things will improve. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes the cost of naming harm and pushing what’s right becomes higher than the harm itself, affecting your life or the lives of those you love.

I’ve found myself in a situation this week that pushed this into sharp focus. I won’t name details. I don’t need to. Anyone who has lived inside a system that wasn’t built for disabled bodies or disabled minds will recognise the pattern. Something happened that shouldn’t have happened. It hurt. It unsettled me. It left me carrying emotions I didn’t want and shouldn’t have had. I waited, prayed, reflected, and hoped for repair, clarity, reconciliation, and to make sure the same thing wouldn’t happen again to me, let alone to anyone else.

Instead, it’s been reinforced that some systems don’t know how to hold disabled people when harm occurs. Sometimes they don’t know how to recognise, acknowledge, or name it. They don’t know how to fix it or safeguard us. Authority, power, and position is all that matters. When that happens, justice isn’t appropriately given, even when the attempt was made with good intentions. These systems ask us to carry the weight quietly because naming it would make the system uncomfortable. We don’t matter. The system does.

We’re ultimately told, “We won’t discuss it. Shut up. Don’t even consider mentioning it. Nod. Smile. Play along. You don’t matter here. The system is our priority. If you go against this, we will punish you.”

That’s forced complicity.

In those moments, complicity isn’t agreement, acceptance, moral silence, or support. It’s the survival instinct people develop when the cost of truth becomes too high. It’s the moment we realise that pushing for justice from the outside rarely works, and the only way to change a system is to be inside it.

It’s painful.

I’ve spent years writing about disability, theology, inclusion, and the harm caused towards disabled people. I’ve preached about it, taught workshops, held special services, fought for accessibility, named ableism openly, honestly, and without fear, and supported and advocated individuals and organisations. Yet now I find myself in a position where naming a specific harm publicly would cause more harm than it heals.

That tension is hard to carry. I feel like a hypocrite, as if I am betraying everything I believe in and undermining everything I’ve written or spoken about.

Disabled people often navigate this line. We know what injustice and ableism looks and feels like. We know when something isn’t right. We also know that sometimes the only way to create change is to stay in the room long enough to make it happen. That means choosing our battles carefully, shining a light gently instead of fighting loudly, and trusting that silence now doesn’t mean silence forever. History shows this pattern. Many disabled activists started quietly because they had no choice.

Disability rights is complex. There are multiple ways in which a disabled person can have their rights violated in different socio‑political, cultural, and legal contexts. Employment is one of the clearest examples. Employers are often unwilling to provide accessible accommodations. They find other reasons to justify not hiring us, renewing contracts, or supplying the equity an employee deserves over the forced, unacceptable, complicit actions. Ableism, complicit or implicit, sits underneath it all. Even today.

Speaking out should be the option, but that’s not easy. I was once told my voice was too quiet, against other justice movements. They have crowds, marches, and pressure that forces change quickly and prevents harm. I’m just a small dog yapping, presented as hostile and aggressive rather than a representation of harm.

I don’t want to be complicit. I hate this. It feels physically wrong. I know that being part of something makes me look complicit, but I’m not. My body and mind are screaming, shouting, and fighting. I’ll continue to do so. I won’t hide it. I’m not ashamed. This blog gets thousands of views a day, yet I still don’t have the platform needed to challenge what should be challenged. Until that day comes, I have to hold the fight inside me rather than act on it publicly. When the time is right, I won’t be complicit. I’ll be unapologetically me, hold those in the wrong accountable, and let the truth be named without hesitation.

Amazing Disability Books Everyone Should Read

2026-09-23T10:07:32.661+01:00

As a disability theologian, preacher, Enable Team Officer, and general disability advocate I have been reading about disability, especially disability theology, for a long time. With Disability Sunday this week and the Disability Inclusion Conference next week (3rd of October) where I will be running a bible study workshop on the topic of Being Made in the Image of God, I have been putting together a resource pack, including a bibliography of the best books to read.

Below is a top 10 ranked list of the most theologically impactful disability‑theology books, followed by small blurbs explaining their contribution, why they matter for disabled people, why able-bodied people must read them, and my personal view on each.

1. Nancy Eiesland — The Disabled God

My View
Eiesland released this book in 1994, making it the earliest published work in this list and thirteen years before the next (Sharon Betcher’s book below, published in 2007). Due to this, The Disabled God was genuinely ground‑breaking. While others had written about disability and theology before her, it’s worth reading this book with the awareness that most of the titles below were published in the last fifteen years, during a period when disability theology exploded into academia and church life. Despite its age, Eiesland’s impact remains massive. Her work is still quoted widely, especially by many of the authors featured here.

2. Amy Kenny — My Body Is Not a Prayer Request

My View
This is one of those books I read and instantly thought, “Wow. This is my life. I could have been the one writing this.” Some people struggle with Kenny’s biting sarcasm and her sharp-edged distinction between “curing” and “healing,” but for anyone who’s lived her reality, like me, she's honest, clear, and manages to weave hilarious humour through the most difficult or heartbreaking moments, all while challenging the book's key message: disabled people are not problems to be solved or fixed.

3. Julia Watts Belser — Loving Our Own Bones

My View
Belser is an ordained rabbi who brings a distinctly Jewish lens to disability theology, blending ancient Torah and Talmudic wisdom with modern disability‑justice thinking. This gives her writing a unique perspective compared to the Christian responses found in the other books below. She also brings a sense of healing. For many disabled people, faith, church, and Scripture have been used and weaponised to create both institutional and personal harmpersonal harm. Belser’s disability‑justice framework softens the sharp edges of that trauma and offers fresh, compassionate ways of seeing ourselves and our traditions. It’s one of the most healing texts in the field, and it’s perfect if you’ve lived anything similar.

4. Sarah Melcher — The Bible and Disability: A Commentary

My View
This book marks a major shift in both academic and pastoral resources. Unlike the narrative‑driven, deeply personal works by Kenny or Belser, Melcher offers the first comprehensive biblical commentary written entirely through a disability‑theology lens. As a perpetual theological student, I find it an incredible resource, but it’s also perfect for anyone who has faced weaponised Scripture and wants to see how those texts can be freed from oppressive shackles and re‑read in the light of disability. For readers, like me, with physical differences, the commentary is especially powerful. Melcher highlights literal “disability ancestors” within the biblical narrative rather than relying on easy metaphorical readings. It’s validating and transformative for anyone who has ever wondered whether Scripture truly sees them.

5. Thomas Reynolds — Vulnerable Communion

My View
Reynolds writes not just as an academic, but as a parent of a son with Tourette’s syndrome, Asperger’s, and neurodivergent complexities. His core thesis flips conventional theological thinking on its head: instead of treating self‑sufficiency as the human ideal, he argues that vulnerability and dependence are central to being made in the image of God.

While the book contains many powerful disability‑theology moments, it was Reynolds’ perspective as a father that hit home for me. As a dad to four children with SEN needs, his reflections on interdependence, care, and the emotional weight of parenting neurodivergent children felt deeply familiar, reaching theologians, disabled readers, and parents of disabled children.

6. Lamar Hardwick — Disability and the Church

My View
Diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (Asperger’s syndrome) at age 36, Hardwick writes with the honesty of someone who has spent years masking in the pulpit and navigating ministry through a neurodivergent lens. He uses his experience to build practical frameworks for church leadership, pastoral care, and congregational life. As someone who also received a late adult ASD diagnosis (I was 43), this book hit home in ways few others have. In fact, this book, alongside Bowman’s below, helped push me towards getting assessed myself.

For neurodivergent clergy and church staff who face severe sensory burnout, social exhaustion, or isolation due to traditional expectations of ministry, Hardwick offers a foundation to build upon. Considering the Fearfully and Wonderfully Made report highlighted these exact issues earlier this year, this book feels even more groundbreaking having been published five years ago. It remains essential reading for anyone navigating ministry with a neurodivergent mind.

7. Timothy Goode — Breaking, not Broken: Ableism and the Church after Constantine

My View
I have to admit that I’m a fan of Revd Canon Tim Goode, especially after meeting him to discuss disability issues. He is pastoral, grounded, and deeply aware of both the Church and disability, and of what urgently needs changing. His book provides a historical and institutional critique of ableism within the Christian tradition, making it brilliant for theological students and clergy alike, that explores how Western Christianity absorbed a Greco‑Roman ideal of the “flawless body” into its architecture, theology, and liturgy. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

Like Eiesland, he points back to the wounded, resurrected body of Christ as the true measure of human anthropology, but does so from a more recent Anglican perspective, grounded in lived experience and ecclesial practice. It’s one of the most important disability‑theology books of the last decade.

8. Fiona MacKenney‑Jeffs — Reconceptualising Disability for the Contemporary Church

My View
MacKenney‑Jeffs offers one of the clearest contemporary Anglican voices on disability theology. Her work cuts through outdated pastoral assumptions and reframes disability as something the Church must understand theologically, not just accommodate practically — something I 100% believe should be the case. As someone also navigating ministry with a progressive condition, I found her clarity refreshing. She names the gaps, challenges the old models, and gives churches a way forward without drowning readers in academic heaviness. It’s a sharp, modern text that speaks directly into today’s Church

9. David Bowman — On the Spectrum

My View
Bowman writes with the honesty of someone who has lived the realities of autism long before receiving a diagnosis, like me, and his reflections on faith, identity, and neurodiversity feel deeply familiar. I think many would feel the same. As someone who was also diagnosed in adulthood, I found his insights grounding and strangely comforting. He names the pressures, the masking, and the exhaustion without turning the book into a struggle narrative. It’s gentle, practical, and full of recognition for anyone navigating church life with a neurodivergent mind. Being the other Autism book on this list, it works better as a reinforcement to what Hardwick above have written, but should be recognised and celebrated for writing about a topic that still is very much hidden in the shadows.

10. Amos — Disability and the Way of Jesus

My View
Amos’ book hit me in a way I didn’t expect. His focus on how Jesus actually moves around disabled people — not fixing, not correcting, but seeing, honouring, and restoring dignity — felt like someone finally naming the Jesus I’ve always known. As a disabled person navigating ministry, I found myself feeling liberated page by page. His writing doesn’t treat disability as a theological puzzle; it treats it as part of the story God is already telling (a point I have always spoken about but never had a alternate voice to support until reading this book). This book reminds people that Jesus doesn’t stand over disabled people, he stands with us.

Further Reading (Still Highly Valuable)

These books deepen the conversation and broaden theological perspectives.

Betcher — Spirit and the Politics of Disablement

A political‑theological critique of how bodies are controlled and categorised.

Jacober — Redefining Perfect

A pastoral exploration of disability and theology that challenges perfectionism.

Jacobs & Richardson — At the Gates

A justice‑focused text examining how churches exclude disabled people — and how to change.

Hardwick — How Ableism Fuels Racism

A powerful intersectional text showing how ableism underpins racial hierarchy. Essential for justice work, but sits best as a companion to the core disability‑theology texts.

These are the books that have shaped modern disability theology, influenced church practice, dismantled harmful healing narratives, and encouraged many people like me. Choose one, and start reading.

Disability Sunday: The Disturbing Truth

2026-09-19T12:16:17.798+01:00

Disability Sunday is next week. For the first time, I’m pleased to say, my church will theme a service around it, and I’ll be preaching.

I want it to go well, be reflective and celebratory, and help the whole congregation connect with its threads. I messaged the person leading the service and shared my thoughts. I sent the five worship songs that the band and I helped choose. She has different style expectations of what a church service should be and often adds a Psalm when she’s leading (we normally just have a New Testament passage) and other more traditional features, so I gave her a few disability‑themed Psalm options. She ignored those suggestions and chose another. It partially fits, so I’ve said it’s fine to use. I’ve also asked my friend to sign the entire service. She signs through the morning, although she’s never been up front. I felt this service would be the perfect introduction. I also chose a song from my disability playlist and sent her the video of God Must Hate Me by Catie Turner, which I’m bringing into my sermon.

This song captures how hundreds, if not thousands, of disabled people worldwide feel. It captures the exact emotions I felt before coming to faith, and I know some friends still feel this today. My colleague described it as “disturbing.” That line has sat with me ever since.

She didn’t explain why, so my ASD brain has been overanalysing it, and it has created a barrier between us for now.

I understand why some people might find the song disturbing. It’s honest. It acknowledges that Christian culture has pushed the ideas listed in the song. This isn’t a song blaming God. This is a song naming the culture around disability in church settings. It tells the truth. It tells the disturbing truth that many disabled people wrestle with.

It acknowledges that disabled people have been shaped to believe that there’s something wrong with their body and they need fixing. How the Bible is used doesn’t help. Through the Old Testament, disabled bodies were treated like defective sacrifices instead of human beings made in God’s image. The focus shifted from the person to the defect. That distinction has been ignored, and disabled people have been told, explicitly and implicitly, that their bodies were less holy, unwelcome, and caused by the fall, personal sin, or divine curse. The New Testament challenges this in John 9, although it doesn’t break the three‑millennia cultural and social foundation where disability is treated as wrong, even if disability theology challenges this idea.

This song isn’t edgy content for the sake of it. It’s a pastoral response to a lifetime of being told that your body isn’t right, that you’re fundamentally wrong, and that your difference is a problem God should fix.

It names the quiet, abusive, and ableist thoughts and experiences many disabled people have lived through in churches, especially churches where healing is preached as the only faithful outcome.

Lines like “If Jesus died for all our sins, he left one behind, the body I’m in” and “Same hands that made the moon and the stars got carpal tunnel and forgot some parts” are not dramatic lyrics. They are theology in pain. They are what happens when you grow up hearing that God makes no mistakes while everyone around you treats you like one.

This song isn’t disturbing. Disabled people would hear those lyrics and recognise themselves. I hope our non‑disabled congregation will recognise some truth within it as well. Many people want a nip and tuck, a nose job, lip fillers, liposuction, or other augmentations. People seek a better body. It’s no different. The opening line about seeing someone and thinking they got all the divine attention speaks to any person, disabled or not. This song names the ache of watching others get celebrated as fearfully and wonderfully made while your own body is treated as problematic.

This is why I love this song. It tells the truth about how it feels to live in a world, and sometimes a church, that thinks you’re unfinished.

I’ve fought for equality and equity in my church. It hasn’t been easy, but it has worked. We’re ninety percent physically accessible, have a congregation where half of our children and adults live with disabilities, and flourish in our inclusivity. Suggesting a disability‑themed Sunday service, whether for Disability Sunday or not, would have been dismissed a few years ago. Now it's embraced.

Not everyone is lucky enough to be in disability inclusive churches. Many remain mistreated, become victims of institutional harm, prayer projects, and interpersonal ableism, instead of being treated as icons of God’s image.

If people feel uncomfortable, that’s okay. It disturbs the idea that God’s goodness is proven only by cure. It disturbs the habit of praying over disabled people without listening to them. It disturbs the comfort of healing narratives that leave the unhealed carrying the blame. That discomfort isn’t a flaw in the song. It’s a spotlight on how disability has been treated for a long time and highlights the disturbing truth of the world we live in.

Sleeping with FSHD: When Your Body Wants to Move but Can’t

2026-09-16T01:30:00.000+01:00

The more my FSHD progresses the more sleep becomes complicated for me. I’ve written before about pain, anxiety, and the long nights where my body refuses rest. Something new has crept in. I say it’s new, it’s been happening more and more over the last two years and is now a problem. It’s subtle, but it’s constant, and it’s becoming one of the hardest parts of sleeping with FSHD.

My body still remembers how it used to sleep. Most people toss and turn at night. I used to do the same. I curled into the foetal position, rolled from side to side, tucked my knees up, and shifted without thinking. Those movements were automatic, built on natural instinct, and found comfort for over forty years. They were part of the rhythm of sleep. You move, settle, adjust, and drift. You don’t think about it. You just do it.

I can’t do any of that now.

I sleep on my back. That’s mostly it. I either lie with my legs straight or with my legs bent. Neither feels natural. Neither feels like sleep. They’re simply the only options my body allows. The positions work because they hurt the least, not because they offer comfort. This movement needs changing three or four times a night as my knee and ankle joints end up in excruciating pain having not been moved.

There is a third option. I can be rolled on to my left side. Hannah rolls me over, adjusts my legs to put me in the foetal position, and then adds plush and cushions behind my back so I don’t collapse on to my back. I can only stay like that for an hour. It comes with several issues. My back muscle strength and core weakness curves my spine, causing significant pain that means I need to return to my former position. Doing so, however, also means that I’m not in the best position. I’m lower down the bed, slightly crooked, and then trying to sleep with the pain that movement has caused. I only tend to do this now when I can’t sleep and my body is screaming at me to turn.

I often wake up with an echo of what I used to do. My brain sends the signal to roll or curl, to shift one leg, turn the other ever so slightly, but the movement never happens. It’s a strange feeling. My body wants to turn, bend, face a different direction, and move in a way it can’t. The instinct is there, often deep in my muscles, but the strength isn’t. It’s like the ghost of a movement. The urge is real. The action is impossible.

My legs twitch as if they’re trying to tuck themselves up. My shoulders tense as if they’re preparing to roll. My hips try to rotate. Nothing follows. When I’m laying in bed, I can raise my torso or my legs up due to the profile bed controls, but to physically move is impossible. I’m a body in a bed.

I miss the foetal position. I miss the comfort of curling up. I miss the freedom of movement that most people don’t even notice they have. I miss simple things, like the feeling of turning and wrapping your duvet around you. I would tuck the duvet between my legs. One leg under the duvet and one leg out. These tiny habits made sleep better.

This isn’t unusual for FSHD. When the core, spine, and neck weaken, side‑lying becomes painful. The body can’t stabilise itself. Muscles that should relax tighten instead. The spine rotates. The neck drops. The hips pull out of alignment. Even when someone helps, the body rejects the position. It’s not stubbornness. It’s weakness. The body simply can’t hold itself where the mind wants it to be.

It leaves me stuck between two truths. My body wants to move. My body cannot move. That tension is exhausting. It’s frustrating, physically draining, and something I can’t fix. I’ve tried cushions, bolsters, wedges, and different angles. They help for a moment, but the moment never lasts. Pain follows no matter what. The body doesn’t reset. It endures.

I know others with muscular dystrophy face the same thing. It’s rarely talked about in the Facebook groups, but it’s real. Sleep becomes a negotiation between instinct and limitation. The brain remembers. The muscles do too. They just can’t act upon it. The result is a night full of urges I can’t respond to. It’s not sleep paralysis. It’s not anxiety. It’s the simple truth of muscle weakness and the loss of natural movement.

I wish I could do more. I wish I could roll, bend, or shift like I used to. I only have two options now, and neither feels like rest. They’re simply the positions that hurt the least. They’re the positions that keep me still enough to get through the night. They’re the positions my body tolerates, even if my mind doesn’t.

Revamping Old Blog Posts

2026-09-13T01:30:00.000+01:00

I started blogging in 2010. I was a fresh, new, born again Christian who had spent years searching for faith while being repeatedly battered by Christians. The healing narrative was always pushed. I was trying to justify why I had a horrible health diagnosis. If I ventured into churches I was stopped, prayed for, and turned into a healing story for God’s magnificent miracles. When I wasn’t healed, I was blamed. I hadn’t believed enough. I wasn’t giving myself over to God and Jesus. Typical institutional harm that many disabled people endure. I tried several Alpha Courses. I was theologically minded even then, so I asked complex questions. No one likes being challenged, especially those who valued Scripture over theology. I was kicked out and blamed for my attitude. When I finally connected with God I wanted to document the journey. A friend suggested I start a blog.

My world collapsed in 2011. I was made redundant, my marriage ended, my mum died, and my mental health declined. I found myself seeking answers and relief through alcohol. I slowly built myself up and sobered up, but my access to the boys was limited. My solicitor suggested documenting everything, and, as blogs keep digital records, I wrote it all down. In 2014, Inside Martyn’s Thoughts became a parenting, homeschooling, disability, health, and lifestyle blog.

Between 2014 and 2020 I maintained it well. I wrote 3 to 4 times a week, was a top blogger, and nominated for various awards. Then 2019 hit. It was rough for us as a family. Then Covid followed in 2020. I ended up writing less and less until I was only writing 3 to 4 posts a year.

Something changed in December 2025. James was struggling in school and he was spiralling downwards. I was frustrated and needed to express myself. I came back to this dusty old thing and started typing.

I thought the best idea was to start with an update before writing about James. The more I typed the more I realised I had a lot more to say. It all clicked back into place. 9 months later and I’m back to writing 3 to 4 posts a week. Back to being a persistent blogger.

Everything has changed though. My domain and page authority died in those inactive years. My Google analytics were terrible. Despite having over 900 published posts, under 100 were indexed. The inactivity caused significant damage. I was still getting thousands of daily views on old posts, but there were broken links, missing images, and poor writing. My friend Nat always said she loved my writing, but I was lazy. Hannah agreed. I didn’t proof read, edit, or care about presentation. My posts were littered with errors. Having spent 3 years at college in my absence, I proved my academic knowledge and writing ability and ended my lazy writing style. The damage, however, was done. If I was going to return to blogging I needed to fix everything.

I spent time researching and realised I needed to do a lot more to fix sixteen years of blogging.

I needed to:

Fix broken links.

Google hates broken links as they stop crawlers and damage rankings. Fixing them helps Google move through my blog properly.

Add forward links.

I was great at linking backwards, but forward links strengthen crawl paths and help Google understand what’s new and relevant.

Improve SEO.

Searchable questions, phrases, and keywords help Google understand the topic. Better SEO means better indexing.

Update meta titles and descriptions.

These tell Google exactly what each post is about and improve click through rates and ranking.

Add thumbnails, alt text, and descriptions.

Images without alt text are invisible to Google. Alt text improves accessibility and indexing.

Rewrite old posts for clarity and flow.

Google rewards high quality writing. Clean grammar, good structure, and readable paragraphs improve ranking.

Add reflections to older posts.

Fresh updates show Google the content is still relevant and treat old posts like new posts.

Improve accessibility.

Readable fonts, clear spacing, and mobile friendly layouts keep readers on the page longer. Longer engagement improves ranking.

Create hub pages.

Google loves organised content. Hubs help it understand themes and clusters that help readers find top posts easily.

Submit updated posts to Google Search Console.

This triggers reindexing and speeds up ranking improvements.

It’s slow progress. Writing new posts again is time consuming, especially the editing process. Finding time to fix old posts is difficult. I have 1,034 published posts, making the task daunting. It’s working though. My indexing has been moving between 126 and 139. New posts and revamped posts are being crawled. I haven’t checked my DA and PA yet but my efforts won’t impact it yet. I spent years being inconsistent. That caused a lot of damage, but, as the saying goes, it takes 10 times longer to fix something than it does to break it.

For now, I’ll keep revamping and doing what I can.

If you would like to read my revamped posts, please click here and start with the first one. I have moved my early Christian posts to drafts, so my blog starts with James' Birth.

A Shifting Relationship

2026-09-12T01:30:00.000+01:00

As someone halfway through the ordination process, preparing to serve as a priest within the Church of England, the news surrounding the Prime Minister, the King, and the future of the establishment feels heavier than usual. It’s not just politics. It’s the ground beneath the institution I’m joining.

The Telegraph recently published about Andy Burnham's plans to remove the historic, legal restrictions preventing Catholic and Jewish prime ministers from advising the Crown on Church appointments.

Some reports, like Humanists UK, welcomed it, arguing that this change highlights a deeper problem: the entire Church and State relationship is antiquated. Their list was long. It included bishops in the Lords, compulsory worship in schools, the monarch’s Protestant requirement, and the Prime Minister’s role in appointments. Their conclusion was clear. The Government should finish the job and move toward disestablishment.

The monarchy is also changing its language. King Charles has started using the phrase “Protector of the space for faith within the multi faith nation” in his official accounts. It’s not the “Defender of the Faith” coronation oath. It’s a reframing of the monarch’s religious role. I wrote about this back in March where William’s quiet affirmation of faith encouraged me. Charles’ reframing unsettled me. Hearing it again now, in a moment when the Prime Minister is adjusting the Church’s constitutional position, makes me feel uncomfortable.

Politics has changed too. For the first time in decades, we seem to be in a four party race. Labour, Conservatives, Reform, and the Greens. The Green Party’s long standing policy of disestablishing the Church of England suddenly matters because they’re no longer fringe. Their wider constitutional vision has included removing bishops from the House of Lords, ending automatic religious privilege in public life, and creating a fully secular state where no denomination holds formal constitutional authority. They don’t want to abolish Christianity or the Church but they do want to end establishment. Critics argue that this risks eroding centuries of tradition and weakening the symbolic role of Christianity in national identity. Supporters say it’s necessary for a modern, multi faith democracy. The conversation is happening and is no longer theoretical.

All of this lands differently for me. I’m following my calling, but I’m also entering an institution that’s being pulled, stretched, and questioned from every direction, even when they're making positive moves forward elsewhere. It’s worrying. The structures around it are shifting.

My college assignment on Church adaptions over the years makes sense at the moment. The assignment evaluates how the Church of England has tried to attract and retain worshippers by adapting its teachings and practices to modern society, using the 1928 Prayer Book reforms and the Fresh Expressions movement as two major examples, and assesses how successful those adaptations have been.

When the 1928 Prayer Book controversy happened Parliament repeatedly interfered with Church liturgy, identity, and discipline. The Church Assembly, bishops, and the Lords approved the book. The Commons rejected it twice. MPs feared Catholic influence. Bishops despaired and the Archbishop of Canterbury was described as inconsolable. Parliament’s Protestant convictions overrode ecclesial authority.

The result was fragmentation. Evangelicals, Anglo Catholics, and liberals reacted differently. Political pressure exposed already present tensions. Something interesting happened though. Even though Parliament rejected the book, the Church quietly adopted much of it anyway. Bishops authorised practices. Parishes absorbed new liturgies. Reform happened through lived worship rather than legislation. My assignment concluded that political interference often destabilises the Church, but the Church adapts through practice rather than parliamentary permission.

This feels relevant now.

We’re watching political characters question or reshape the Church’s constitutional role, the King and Head of the Church adjust the language of his religious identity, and secular and religious voices debate establishment from every angle. It’s messy. Anti monarchists dislike Charles’ involvement. Church of England loyalists dislike his reframing. Secularists dislike the Prime Minister’s involvement. Traditionalists dislike removing historic restrictions. Christians are split. Humanists and Greens want disestablishment. Reform wants something different again.

Clergy continue their work in the middle of all this. The Archbishop continues her role. The Church continues its mission. Worship continues. Faith continues. Just as they did following the 1928 controversy. People of faith carrying out their mission.

I don’t believe the Prime Minister being Catholic should advise on Church appointments. However much people say they’ll hold a position of integrity and fairness personal religious preference will always influence decisions. The Archbishop, as have hundred before her, already fulfils the role of supporting the monarch. That seems appropriate. It always has.

I know the culture towards Church and faith has changed over the last century. We’re living in a multi faith and multicultural country. I’m happy to embrace everyone who’s here, but Christianity has shaped this country for a millennium. The Church of England has shaped it for nearly five hundred years.

We’ve been here before. Political pressure, constitutional change, and public debate. The Church adapted then and it’ll adapt now but it’s still a worrying moment, especially for those of us serving and worshipping in it.

I’m watching closely and praying. I’m hoping the Church and State relationship holds long enough for the Church to keep doing what it’s always done and quietly outlast every political storm.

Meeting PDB

2026-09-11T01:30:00.000+01:00

I’ve played War and Order since 2019. Throughout the last seven years some of us bounced between several realms. It started with me, “Minotaur” (now Bigwig), a guy called “Longhorn” from Texas, and a guy called “Moocifer” from Australia. We created an alliance called COW (Children of War) and took on COW‑related names. Over time we picked up others too. Some players drifted away, but a few of us stayed. We’re now in STG (Stronger Together).

Longhorn has been with me the longest and always had my back. Where I go, he goes. Where he goes, I go. He’s not only a great deputy, he’s become one of my best friends. Outside of Hannah and the kids, he’s probably the only person I talk to every single day. It’s mostly game related, but not all the time. When my dad died, he was an absolute rock. He took over leadership, gave me a break, and supported me in ways that meant more than he’ll ever realise. I’ve tried to do the same for him.

I don’t ask personal questions. If someone wants to share, great. If not, I don’t push. When we first started playing we asked each other’s names. He knew mine was Martyn and told me to call him PDB, something I still do despite finding out what the P stood for. He’s always been private, and I’ve always respected that, but I’ve picked up other things about him over the years.

He’s an amazing guy. Incredibly loyal. Always covering my back. When emotional overwhelm hits, he’s there. It’s a game, not work, but sometimes the boundaries blur and things stress me out. Never with him though. He understands and accepts me anyway. For someone who struggles with social situations and friendships due to my ASD and how that affects it, the way he is with me is something I hold dear.

[Image 2. A screenshot on Viber between PDB and I. Its in dark mode and says "None of this game 💩 means anything. You can yell and vent at me about it but my ❤️ for you is unflappable." Showing bim love of me.]

Then, after all this time, he decided to come to England and come to see me.

He reached a point in life where he decided it was time. After months of planning, they arrived on Sunday. I was nervous. Meeting someone you’ve known almost as long as your spouse is surreal, especially when you’ve only seen one photo of them a few months earlier.

He didn’t let me down. He was exactly the guy I’ve been speaking to all these years. His partner was just as lovely. We chatted, laughed, and settled into a natural rhythm.

One thing we had to do was play the game together. Thankfully Sunday was our Elite Events day. You’d think we’d chat through it, but we didn’t. We just played. It was perfect. Something I’ll never forget.

We then had dinner together. They’d researched what to eat and where to visit. Fully embracing England. T wanted Shepherd’s Pie. PDB wanted Bangers and Mash. They originally wanted a proper Sunday Roast, but accessibility issues and the reality that no restaurant does a roast properly meant we cooked for them instead. Nothing beats a classic home cooked meal. They chose their desserts too. Eton Mess and Treacle Pudding. Hannah got Sticky Toffee Pudding instead. They swapped food, tried each other’s desserts, and loved it.

[Image 3. I am wearing a red t-shirt and sat in my chair. PDB is kneeling next to me next to me on the right. Getting to height level with me]

[Image 4. From the back, left to right, T, PDB, and Hannab. I am sitting in my chair in front of them]

The day flew by so they suggested coming back in the morning. I woke at 7.30am and saw photos in our WhatsApp group. They’d gone for an early walk, visited the castle grounds, explored Rochester, then Ubered to ours for 9am. They brought breakfast goodies too.

I almost forgot the gifts. They went wild. All four kids had a goody bag with Buck‑ee shirts, snacks, postcards, and Pez. Hannah got the same, plus a pink hoodie, a huge cup with the Texan flower, and a Texan tea towel the kids refuse to use. I got snacks, raspberry and blackberry sweets, a longhorn Texan flag ornament, a long‑sleeved top with NBTX (one of our game team names with a personal touch), a white shirt with another longhorn symbol, a Cowboys cap (his favourite team), and a heavy wooden rabbit because I’m Bigwig. It was incredible. Overwhelming. Kindness that left us speechless.

[Image 5. A longhorn Christmas tree ornament in the Texan Flag colours]

[Image 6. A Bugs Bunny Pez. Connecting to my Game name, Bigwig]

[Image 7. Buck-ees White Fudge]

[Image 8. A carved rabbit. Linking again to my game name]

[Image 9. Hannah’s very large white cup with flowers on the side]

[Image 10. I am wearing a blue Buck-ees top and the white Cowboys Cap. His favourite team]

We gave them chocolates and treats after my aunt mentioned how different the chocolate tastes over there, plus some local fudge and local ciders. It felt small compared to their outpouring of love but they seemed happy.

We chatted a bit about my health. He wanted to know the prognosis. It wasn’t a problem. He could ask me anything about my life and I’d happily answer it, even the heavy topics.

Then they left for London to do the tourist thing.

It was a great visit. Better than I imagined. Easy. Full of laughter, shared stories, and the comfort of meeting someone who already knows you.

I don’t make friends easily. I struggle with social situations. Yet this friendship has lasted seven years across continents, time zones, life changes, grief, and joy. Meeting him in person didn’t break the illusion. He is exactly who he’s always been, and I love him for that.

I’m grateful for him, his partner, the visit, and that something built in a game became something real. I’ll hold onto it for a long time. All we have to do is find ways to do more together.

The Beauty of Being Alone

2026-09-04T01:30:00.000+01:00

Everyone enjoys their alone time. I do get some. Hannah, as my carer, still goes off and does things with her friends and pursues her own calling at church as church warden and eco champion, although the latter not as much as she’d like. In those moments I get space. The kids may still be around so it’s not completely alone, but I can write, watch a show, play chess, or lose myself in a game, like WAO. That’s one kind of solitude, but not the type I want to talk about. There are two moments in my week where I feel genuinely free.

The first is my travel to church. It takes around an hour and a half to get there. 15 minutes from home to the station. The station expects you to arrive 10 to 20 minutes early when you book assistance online. This is for safety. If a train is cancelled or a lift is out of order and they need to book a taxi as cover. I usually arrive 10 minutes early. The staff know me well now. We chat, two actually talk about me as a friend, but there are moments where it’s just me. The train journey is around 20 minutes. From the station to church it’s a 36 minute walk, or in my case, roll. It’s a lot, but that hour and a half is mine.

It’s not perfect. The paths are bumpy. The curbs are deep. The physical strain is real. Yet mentally, it’s wonderful. I have my headphones on and listen to music or an audiobook. Perfect for emotional regulation and me as someone with ASD.. Sometimes I pretend I’m listening to something just to create a bubble of quiet. It may not have the comfort of home, but it has the comfort of solitude. It’s the one part of the week where the world feels paused and I can simply exist without expectation.

The second moment comes when meetings end late. I recently had three in one week and one of those were three meetings in one evening. I had to leave at 22:20pm or I’d have missed the last train home. The 36 minute walk back to the station and then the walk from my home station to my house is incredible. It’s late. It’s dark. I should probably worry about dangers, but I don’t. For the darkest places I have an industrial torch that would light the town up, so I’m not worried. The streets are quiet. Cars are few. People are tucked inside their homes. On that recent journey I saw three people in total. It was just me and the world.

There’s something grounding about that. I was rolling through Rochester close to midnight and the town felt like a ghost city. It was just me. I looked up at the stars and felt awe. The sky was so clear and the universe was on display. I noticed the houses, lights still glowing behind curtains. Cats darting across the road, enjoying their own version of night freedom. Everything felt still and peaceful. It’s rare to experience a town without noise, rush, or interruption. Normally, I’m either driving around people and getting frustrated at those who refuse to move, stare at me as if I’m the problem, make awkward jokes, or are oblivious to my existence. In these moments it’s just me and God. It’s so peaceful.

I know there are dangers in being out late, but in those moments are amazing. It’s not dramatic. It’s simply presence. If I was in danger and it was my time, I’d be with God. That’s not a wish for harm. It’s a recognition of trust. A recognition that solitude can be holy.

These moments are lovely. They’re my version of what others find in late night drives or quiet walks. My headphones sit over my ears, functioning like ear defenders, creating a sense of enclosure and safety. It’s a small space that belongs entirely to me while the town, world, and universe continue around me. It’s freedom, quiet, and solitude within life.

These moments remind me that even in a busy home, church, and calling, there are moments where I can breathe. I need to cherish these moments as gifts.

I said to Hannah that I don’t want to lose these when we change cars for a WAV. I know I’ve stopped driving and having a car like this will make life so much easier. It would take 30 minutes to get to church by car, be less physical than I have to endure on this normal journey, and give me a freedom to go anywhere I want and not just limited to those places I can reach via public transport. This time is too precious though. The journey, whether day or night, allows me to meet fantastic people and build relationships, but those quiet moments make it worth it.

Ordination: Five Months Later

2026-09-02T01:30:00.000+01:00

Five months have passed since I wrote about the meeting with my DDO and ADDO regarding my discernment process for ordination. It feels longer. So much of this journey has been shaped by waiting, discerning, and understanding how calling and institution meet in real life. Those early months were hard. I was still processing the February meeting and learning how to navigate a system that had not yet learned how to navigate me.

Things have slowly moved forward. The confusion around my mental health diagnosis was finally resolved after my ASD assessment and hopefully settles the worries of the Bishop, replacing a long‑standing misdiagnosis with clarity. That shift changed how my DDO understood my situation and allowed him to shape the next steps with accuracy rather than assumption. The plan he sent reflects this, recognising the autism diagnosis, the realities of degeneration, and the need for disability informed oversight.

Placement comes first. My home church sits at the northern edge of Canterbury Diocese but I live in the Rochester Diocese. Worshipping there means I’m on the process there, but travelling further south for a placement increases distance, time, and physical strain. My DDO suggested completing placement within Rochester rather than take those consequences.

I was given three choices of churches. When we met in April, it was agreed that placements need to be physically accessible, travel accessible, have inclusive worship, and a leadership that understands Disability, including Disability Theology. The latter is really important. I would hate a placement that perpetuated ableist church narratives.

All suggested placements fitted this criteria. This matters for disabled candidates to be respected, included, and understood. I have chosen a placement that’s a thirty minute walk from my home.

This will begin in Autumn 2026. It’s very different in style, tradition, and ministry compared to my current context. I also need to understand how accessibility works in a church that looks inaccessible from the outside and through tradition but clearly isn’t. All of which is essential for me to flourish and grow in my calling and future role.

The next part of the plan focuses on the C4. My marriage reaches the required three years in April 2027. This was a problem for the bishop. I was told I couldn’t even start the paperwork until that date, which would delay the process for two years, but the new plan requests the C4 in Autumn 2026. This reflects the time that has already passed and the change in diagnosis. It also avoids unnecessary delay that impacts my health. The C4.3 concerns remain, but the plan acknowledges that my disability is not a barrier to vocation. It is part of my story, theology, and the way I minister. The Fearfully and Wonderfully Made report supports this. The plan now does too.

Stage 2 will follow once the C4 is received and approved. The aim is Spring 2027 and, I believe, will be a continuation of the Stage 1 panel and Carousel Conversations.

Training comes next. A one year bespoke pathway at College, starting in September 2027. From an academic perspective, I have already completed the necessary two year level 4 course. I then, without need, completed level 6 modules a year later. This pathway covers what remains incomplete for ordination. I love studding theology so it shouldn’t be a problem. This should lead me to be ordained in July 2028.

Curacy follows. SSOM (Self Sustaining Ordained Ministry) ministry at my home church with the new incumbent (We are currently in the recruitment process for one). While it’s still two years away, it’s no longer abstract, theoretical, or paused due to unnecessary or biased barriers.

I still need to attend a Psychological Wellbeing Assessment later this year. Although I don’t have date confirmed, this explores resilience, emotional health, relationships, stress, the realities of ordained ministry, and areas specific to me. My DDO will write to the assessor beforehand so nothing comes as a surprise, which I appreciate.

This was a problem for the bishop and process. According to my DDO, candidates with personality disorders are rarely accepted because they affect emotional regulation, relationship stability, and the pressure to lead without becoming overwhelmed. Ordained leadership relies on consistent boundaries, resilience, and clarity in conflict.

An ASD diagnosis changes that. Autism is not rooted in unstable emotional patterns or relational volatility. ASD brings communication differences, sensory needs, and processing styles, but without the concerning traits that raise safeguarding issues in leadership. Getting the correct diagnosis mattered. It removed an inaccurate barrier, clarified my fourteen-year stability, and allowed the process to see me as I actually am.

I don’t know how every part of this plan will unfold, but the direction of this journey now has shape. I’m still learning how to shine a light, not fight, trust the institution behind the process, and navigate a system that is slowly changing and learning how to navigate disability.

Five months later, the journey continues. Not paused, silenced or forgotten. I’m still moving toward the vocation God placed in me all those years ago.

My Top 10 Disability Songs in 2026

2026-08-31T10:58:29.278+01:00

Music has always helped me make sense of my emotions, sense of self, and identity. I’ve had songs in the past that represent disability, but I’ve never created a full disability set list. I thought I’d change that.

Although I’ve now gathered twenty‑seven disability songs, these ten stood out as my favourites in 2026. They speak honestly, lift gently, and give language to experiences many of us struggle to express.

1. God Must Hate Me — Catie Turner

This song sits in that rare space where disability, faith, and self‑doubt collide. It captures the fear many disabled people carry: the sense of being made “wrong” and not knowing what to do with that feeling. I was one of those people. It’s important to know, whether you have faith or not, that many feel this way. Turner embodies vulnerability without being hopeless and names the ache of embodiment in a way that feels honest rather than dramatic. It gives language to the questions we often keep hidden. This is a particular favourite and firmly in my top three.

2. Raggedy Doll — Philippa Hanna

A gentle, upbeat, faith‑rooted reminder that worth isn’t measured by perfection. Hanna’s imagery of being stitched together, worn, and still loved speaks directly into the experience of living with physical or visible disability. It doesn’t rush to fix anything. Instead, it sits with the truth that identity is shaped by more than the body. It’s comforting, steady, and quietly defiant.

3. Autism Awareness — The Lyrical Lanterns

One of the clearest, most direct neurodiversity songs available. It doesn’t hide behind metaphors or soften the message. It explains autism in a way that’s accessible, modern, and genuinely educational. It’s the kind of track you can share with someone who wants to understand but doesn’t know where to start. That clarity makes it a standout disability song.

4. Light It Up Blue — The Lyrical Lanterns

Bright, upbeat, and made for community spaces. It celebrates autism acceptance without slipping into tokenism. The melody is catchy enough for events, schools, and churches, yet the message stays grounded. It invites people in rather than talking over them. That balance is rare and valuable.

5. Neurodiversity Song — The Lyrical Lanterns

A proud declaration of neurodivergent identity. It’s modern, energetic, and unashamed. The strength of this song is its confidence. It reframes neurodiversity as something to celebrate rather than tolerate. For many listeners, that shift is transformative. It helps people stand a little taller. This is another of my top three. It names experiences I’ve lived and acknowledges how isolating life can be, yet turns that truth into something hopeful.

6. Celebrate Differences — The Lyrical Lanterns

This track works across disability types because it focuses on shared humanity. It’s joyful without being childish, and inclusive without being vague. The message is simple: difference isn’t a problem to solve. It’s part of who we are. That makes it ideal for mixed‑ability spaces, family settings, and any context where you want to lift the mood while still saying something meaningful.

7. Inclusion Starts With Awareness — The Lyrical Lanterns

One of the group’s strongest advocacy pieces. It bridges physical disability and neurodivergence by focusing on the first step: awareness. The song challenges listeners to notice, understand, and act. It’s practical, modern, and rooted in real‑world inclusion rather than slogans. It works well in campaigns, assemblies, and disability conferences because it carries a clear call to action.

8. Neurodiverse & Proud — The Lyrical Lanterns

Bold and confident. This song pushes back against internalised shame and the pressure to mask. It’s modern, rhythmic, and easy to share. Its tone is what makes it great. It doesn’t ask for acceptance, it assumes it. That shift from pleading to pride is powerful for anyone learning to embrace their neurodivergence. This completes my top three. While number six comes close, this song’s rhythm and beat land more strongly.

9. It’s OK To Be Me — Little Light Wonders

A gentle, child‑friendly track that speaks directly to younger listeners. It’s simple, warm, and reassuring. For children with disabilities or neurodivergence, hearing a song that says “you’re fine as you are” can be life‑changing. It’s ideal for families, schools, and churches because it opens conversations without overwhelming them.

10. Not So Different — Cassandra Kubinski

A soft, emotional reminder that disability doesn’t remove connection or belonging. Kubinski’s voice carries a calm sincerity that makes the message land. It bridges gaps between disabled and non‑disabled listeners, and between misunderstanding and empathy. It’s a gentle closer because it leaves you with hope rather than noise.

Disability songs matter because they help us feel seen. They challenge assumptions, open conversations, and remind us that difference isn’t something to hide. These tracks do all of that with honesty and heart. If even one of them resonates with you, then this list has done its job. Let me know your favourites below.

Brotherly Love

2026-08-28T12:39:04.550+01:00

My brother is three years older than me. Unfortunately, I don’t have many good memories of him growing up. We're completely different people. He hated school. I loved it. He was physical. I wasn’t.

Mum and Dad pushed us to do the same activities. He did Karate. Therefore I had to. He won trophies for fighting. I won trophies for Kata, which my brother called “Karate dancing.” We both learnt instruments. He gave up quickly. I loved it, so Mum pushed me further. We both did cubs and scouts. He thrived outdoors. I thrived in home projects. I loved reading. He scoffed at it. The list could go on and on.

Mum and Dad raised us differently. We’re both adopted. With him, they were terrified Social Services would take him away, so they spoiled him and lacked discipline. This is shown in old family VHS where he’s attention‑seeking, bold, and doing things he shouldn’t. Anyone watching would see that. By the time I arrived, and then adopted just shy of my fourth birthday, they’d changed their parenting approach. Add 80s parenting and an undiagnosed autistic child, and the differences becomes wider.

As teenagers, the divide between us grew. My disability manifested. He was out drinking in parks, doing drugs, getting into trouble with police, and making life hell for Mum and Dad. I spent time with my girl friends, drew and painted, read, sang all the time, and grew into skating, dancing, and my nerdy ways. For him and my dad, that meant I was gay. When steroids made me gain weight, he drew pictures of me as a pig and left them around the house. I was also the punch bag when he disliked something Mum, Dad, or I did.

We just never had a relationship. By adulthood, other than for Mum and Dad, we had no foundation for a relationship. Then he fell out with Mum for three years and only reconnected before her death. As a mummy’s boy I resented that. Life moved on. Now we barely speak. I wish him happy birthday each year. He says thank you. That’s it. It’s sad.

[Image 2. A screenshot of a text message. The first message is dated 19th July 2025 and says "Happy birthday. Have a good one." Underneath the replying message says "Thanks." Under that, the date is 19th July 2026 and says "Happy birthday. Have a good day." The replying comment says "Sweet." The 2 messages highlight the limited communication.]

I have found my birth siblings but it's not simple. I'm the eldest of four. My brother has moved on in life, so doesn't want a relationship. My eldest sister has a lot of disabilities which would struggle processing who I am, so I'm not allowed to meet her. My youngest sister and I connected in 2015 and met up 2016. We try and stay connected. We wanted a relationship, but, like my adopted brother, we didn't have the core foundation to maintain an active relationship. Then a few years later, the adoption stuff got hard. It made everything else harder.

I’ve never wanted that for my boys. When Will first met James, he smiled widely and loved James instantly.

[Image 3. Will, aged 2 years, is wearning a salmon coloured t-shirt. He is smiling up at someone not in the photo as James, an hour hold, lays across Wills lap in a white baby grow, as they meet for the first time.]

They played together, teamed up against me and others, cuddled on the sofa, read and played together, and built a childhood full of memories I never had.

[Image 4. James is sat on a car toy, wearing a striped blue and grey jumper. Will is pushing the car as they play together, wearing a orange jumper]

[Image 5. Both boys are wearing green monster jumpers as, smiling at the camera as they sit upon a cream coloured sofa]

[Image 6. Both boys are wearing their brown gruffolo dressinggown. James, on the left, is hugging Will, on the right, as the smile and laugh at the camera]

[Image 7. James, on the left, is hugging and laugh with Will, on the right as they play in front of a gazebo outside. They are both wearing blue patterned shirts]

[Image 8. My dad is sat on a cream sofa. Will is play fighting in front of him. James is behind him, standing on the sofa, about to attack him. Samson, with all the excitement is playing with them]

[Image 9. Both boys are on the sofa. James her his book. Will is reading if to James as they sig upon a brown leather like material]

[Image 10. James, on the right, cuddles Will tightly as they watch the TV.]

[Image 11. Will on the right and James on the left sit on a brown leather sofa, playing together through Wills technology.]

They fought, of course, but being similar in height and build made it fairly even.

The blended family dynamics helped. When things escalated at their mum’s, they came to ours and James would go off with Midge, and Will with Arty giving respite space.

[Image 12. It moves from left to right. Midge is in pink, James a dark green jumper, Arty a blue jacket and trousers, and Will also in a dark green jumped]

At our wedding and ou regular family dinners, they sat in those sibling sets without being told, a small moment that showed the stepsibling bond between them.

[Image 13. From left to right, Hannah, James, Midge, Will and Arty, all sat at the dinner table with their dinner in front of them]

[Image 12. From the back, left to right. Will, Arty, Midge, James, and Me. In front ia Hannah who's taking the photo of us around a restaurant table]

[Image 14. A black and white photo of us 6 on Hannah and my wedding day. From left to right, Midge, James, Me, Hannah, Arty and Will]

None of these photos are intentionally designed or staged. The boys always seem to sit with the opposite sibling. With Will always next to Arty and James next to Midge.

I worry about Will and James’ relationship. The last few years have shifted things. James has gone through school trauma, family changes, interpersonal issues, and the challenges of blending families. We’ve repeatedly got him help, but talking therapies haven’t worked. Six to eight weeks is just enough time for him to trust someone before the therapy ends, so he carries anger. Like my Wicked Wednesday posts showed, James also gets himself into unintentional trouble which sometimes impacts Will and their Mum, which he really doesn’t like.

Will has reached his limit a few times, wants and expects better, and gets frustrated that he shouldn’t have to keep giving James chances.

James has gone through a lot. It doesn’t mean he can’t be self‑opinionated, argumentative, or unnecessary at times, because he can, but lots of teens are like that, especially those carrying more than their share. Will, however, sees me defending him. I don’t agree with James’s behaviour, but he’s family. You don’t have to approve of someone to keep showing up for them.

It’s also not about giving James endless chances. They’re both still kids. They may not feel like it. I was the same at their age. I don’t think I matured until my mid‑thirties. They have a whole life ahead of them. Just be mindful of that, but don’t give up on each other. Even if James argues, avoids apologising, and starts again like nothing happened, he loves his family fiercely.

Despite not having a relationship with my brother, I wouldn’t be opposed to one. Hannah’s family has a wonderful dynamic where all the children, grandchildren, and great grandchild of Hannah’s Grandma get together every other year. It’s upsetting for me. Hannah and the kids are all I have. I don’t want James to be alone when he’s older because the teenage years were rough. He can grow and change. Just like many of us did.

For most of their lives, they were happy, loving, and close. They should have another fifty years of that. I want them to grow into the kind of brothers who show up for each other, forgive, stay connected, and build the kind of family I never had.

That’s all I’ve ever wanted for them. I know it's not always bad. They still have wonderful sibling moments.

[Image 15. Will and James in 2024 wearing grey suits and waistcoats as part of their attire for our wedding. Both have their arms around each shoulder, as they proudly smile together]

[Image 16. James is on the left wearing a grey suits, as Will is on the right wearing a blue suit in 2025. Both are striking a pose for the camera, as they have their arms crossed and shoe heels touching]

[Image 17. Will is sat on the left wearing a grey gamer t-shirt and green shorts. James is on the right, wearing his black clothing still. I took this photo as I caught them sitting in exactly the same position, with the same leg crossed and arms folded, facing me]

I just want it to continue.

Coming to Terms with My ASD Diagnosis

2026-08-26T01:30:00.000+01:00

I thought getting my diagnosis would be the end of the story. It felt overdue and strangely comforting. Autism explained parts of my life and early childhood and filled in the gaps left by the personality disorder diagnoses that never quite fit. When the assessment arrived, I felt relief. Not floods of tears, because that isn’t me, but the quiet version of emotion that makes me withdraw and process.

The written report validated so much. It even helped with my ordination process, separating mental health from neurodivergence and giving me language that finally made sense. I thought that would be the end of it. Instead, something unexpected happened. The positivity shifted. The more I lived with the diagnosis, the more the assessment wording began showing up in my daily life. It started to bother, frustrate, and, at times, depress me.

Friendships are a good example. I’ve always struggled with them. I don’t always understand social situations. I’ve learnt social tricks to cope, like laughing when everyone else laughs even if I don’t get why. I don’t always know why friendships fade. My physical disability complicates things too. My chair limits where I can go. Some friends find my degeneration hard to see. Travel takes longer. Socialising takes more energy. Yet I can’t help wondering how much of the difficulty is also my autism. I still get lonely and get jealous of Hannah’s ability to navigate friendships so easily. We’ve talked about it. She understands. It’s not resentment. It’s just hard.

Now, when I’m in social settings, the assessment echoes in my mind. I’ve always struggled with eye contact, over communicate, and moderating my voice when passion increases the volume. My attempt to soften becomes mumbling. Hannah helps me adjust. When these things happen, the line from the report about reduced non‑verbal communication hits and frustrates me.

I tell Hannah that I hate reading sentences describing how I struggle with friendships, misunderstand social cues, and feel like an outsider. I want to challenge it, do more with friends, and feel less lonely. So recently we arranged three evenings with three different couples. I tried. Yet the same patterns appeared. The same social issues. The same moments where I felt out of sync. It became a catch‑22. The more I tried, the more the assessment seemed to be right.

My mum raised me with a mindset that shaped my whole life. When my FSHD began, she told me that my disability didn’t define me and that I should show the world my true ability. I lived by that. Every job, career, and challenge, I pushed myself to be a high performer. Even when degeneration stripped things away, I kept going. I’m still doing that now. I’m on the ordination path, in the top one percent severity for FSHD at forty‑three, and pushing forward. Over the years I realised that mindset created internal ableism. I had to unlearn it and accept my disability as part of me, not a flaw. By forty, I reached a place where my disability was both a challenge and a strength. I found identity, community, and pride in it.

I don’t have that yet with autism. Every time I try to embrace it, the assessment wording hits back. It pulls me down. It reminds me of the parts I wish I could change. It triggers the line in the report about analysing social interactions before and after they happen. Of course I do. I analyse everything.

I analyse the moments where a serious conversation shifts into humour to break tension. I catch the moment but don’t understand it. Everyone moves on. I don’t. The serious point sits in my mind, waiting to be said. When I say it, it kills the mood. Hannah helps when she can, smoothing the moment or signalling that I’ve misread the flow. I analyse the moments where I miscommunicate. I over explain. I under explain. I interrupt because I misjudge a pause for the end of a sentence. I see the face friends pull when I interrupt. I see the patience when they carry on regardless. By the time they finish, my point is either irrelevant or too heavy.

Then the assessment echoes again. The line about feeling overwhelmed by anxiety in social situations. The line about struggling to interpret tone, over communicating or withdrawing, and interrupting. It becomes a cycle. I withdraw. I beat myself up. I talk to Hannah. I try again. I meet another friend to tweak my behaviour. I try to maintain rather than erase. So far, it hasn’t gone well.

The assessment highlighted how I hoped the diagnosis would help me support myself and allow others to support me. I still believe that. I want to reach a place where my autism feels like my physical disability. A friend said the assessment is messing with my head. It is, but not in the way they meant. I’m not clinging to the label. I know who I am. I’ve known for years. It’s the precision of the wording that hits me. It shows me exactly what I do as I try to grow, integrate this part of myself, and live authentically.

I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I mean, it did take twenty-seven years and maturity of 30 years with a disability to align my physical disability. I just hoped this would transition quicker.

Fourteen Years On

2026-08-21T01:30:00.000+01:00

Fourteen years is a strange amount of time. It's long enough for life to move on, for children to grow, for whole chapters to begin and end. It’s also short enough that some memories still feel close. Seeing James, a tall, opinionated, and active fifteen year old reminds me every day that this feeling is a lie. Losing Mum sits in both spaces. It feels recent and distant at the same time, but life today often becomes an unwanted reality check.

I was almost thirty when she died. James was fifteen months old. I was undiagnosed, overwhelmed, and trying to hold myself together. My breakdown arrived three months later. I thought grief caused it. I know now it was everything at once. Disability changes, marriage ending, access issues, drinking, and the collapse of the life I thought I was building. Mum’s death was the final straw.

I look back at that version of myself with compassion. He was trying, surviving, and doing what Mum taught him to do. Fight. Push. Keep going. This from the woman who’s greatest achievement was receiving a commendation of conduct, where, in forty years, she had never taken a single sick day, using all her holidays for emergencies. She was, at that time, the only civilian to receive that honour.

She raised me with that stubborn streak. She refused to let disability define me, let fear stop me, and let anyone tell me what I couldn’t do. Adulthood and parenthood taught me that.

The years after her death were messy. I rebuilt myself, became a single dad, home educated, found community through blogging, and slowly pieced together a life. I wrote tributes, Mother’s Day posts, and reflections that circled the same stories. It was trying to keep her close. I didn’t have many photos, keepsakes, or the archive most people inherit. Adoption took the first part of my life. Her death took the second. Dad’s dementia took the rest.

I didn’t understand how much she carried until my ASD assessment this year. The assessor asked about childhood. Every answer led back to her. She cut labels out of clothes, bought soft jumpers and joggers, washed my pound puppy while I was at school so I wouldn’t notice, created systems to help me function, interpreted my overwhelm, understood my sensory needs, supported my routines, and taught me to navigate a world that confused me. She did all of this without knowing the word autism. She just knew me.

That realisation changed everything. It reframed my childhood, breakdown, and grief. I didn’t just lose a parent. I lost the person who understood me instinctively, made the world manageable, and held the map of my life long before I could read it. A role that Hannah now does so well. I think Mum would have loved Hannah.

Fourteen years on, I see the space she left. It’s not loud anymore. It’s quiet. It sits in the moments where I wish I had asked more, the stories I never heard the missing decade of photos and certificates, and the questions that will never be answered. I wish I just had more moments with her. Anything would do. Just to hear her use the name Mo, spoken by fewer people each year, would be enough.

Yet the space is not empty. It’s filled with the life she shaped. I see her in the way I parent and the way I fight for all of the kids. I see her in the way I push through disability and refuse to give up. I see her in the way I love Hannah and the children. The way we are as a family. The sentences that I say, that she said and I rolled my eyes at. I see her in the way I serve in ministry, although I’m uncertain to what she would think of my calling and ordination journey, having grown up in an anti-religion household.

Fourteen years on, I understand her better. Not just the mum who adopted me, the woman who fought for me, or the person who held me together. I understand the depth of what she carried, the choices she made, the love she gave, the quiet ways she shaped my identity, and the strength she saw in me long before I saw it myself. Being a parent, especially now with four teenagers, I can see things from her perspective. I don’t get this parenting thing right. Neither did she. I tend to upset the kids in one way or another, especially James, but I hope that despite my attitude at their age, that one day, they’ll see things from my perspective and understand me and themselves better, forgive the mistakes, and miss me, for me.

I miss her. That has never changed. What has changed is the shape of that missing. It’s no longer a wound. It is a thread that runs through my life, marriage, fatherhood, ministry, diagnosis, growth, and the man I have become.

Fourteen years on, I hope she would be proud.

Bible Study: Made in the Image of God — Part 3: The Image of God and the Life of the Church

2026-08-15T01:30:00.000+01:00

After exploring how the Image of God has been distorted, and reclaiming what Scripture actually says, we can finally ask what this means for the life of the church. If every person bears God’s image fully, how should the church look, feel, and function?

Scripture gives us a picture of a community where disabled and neurodivergent people are not simply included but vital to the church’s life.

Moses had a speech impediment, but when Exodus 4:11 shows he resists his calling, God responds: “Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives people sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord?”

This is not judgement, a curse, or a defect. It’s creation. God doesn’t apologise for Moses’ body. God doesn’t offer a cure. God names disability as part of the diversity of human creation. This is one of the earliest biblical statements that disabled embodiment belongs within God’s creative intent.

Scripture shows that disabled embodiment is woven through the lives of God’s people.

Jacob walks with a limp after encountering God (Gen. 32:31).

Zechariah — temporary muteness (Luke 1:20–22). His inability to speak becomes part of God’s revelation.

Paul experiences temporary blindness during his calling (Acts 9), and later ministers through a chronic condition (Gal. 4:13–15). His embodied life becomes part of how God reveals and works through him.

These lives show that disabled people do not stand outside God’s image.

Their bodies and minds become places where God’s creativity, calling, and presence are revealed. Across Scripture, disability is not a barrier to calling. It becomes part of the story God tells through a person’s life. These aren’t exceptions. They’re patterns.

If God forms disabled people intentionally, then the church must receive disabled people intentionally, recognising them as expressions of God’s image.

When Jesus meets the man born blind, in John 9:1-3, the disciples ask the ancient question: “Who sinned?” Jesus refuses the premise. “Neither this man nor his parents sinned… this happened so that the works of God might be revealed.”

Before any healing occurs, Jesus teaches: Disability is not punishment, failure, or divine displeasure, but a place where God’s work is revealed.

In church life, this means disabled people are not waiting to be “fixed” before they can contribute. Their gifts, perspectives, and presence already reveal God’s creativity and grace.

As Archbishop Sarah Mullally recently reminded Synod, neurodiversity is a gift. John 9 shows us Scripture has been saying this all along. I don’t want to undermine hese brilliant words from the Archbishop, but it shouldn't stop at neurodiversity, all disability needs to be seen as a gift.

While 1 Corinthians 12:12–27 has been used negatively, Paul uses the human body as a metaphor for the church.

In his culture, bodies were described with hierarchy: strong/weak, honourable/less honourable, presentable/unpresentable. Disability theology rejects that hierarchy. So must we.

Genesis 1, Exodus 4, and John 9 have already told us: God doesn’t divide people into stronger and weaker, rank bodies, or assign worth by ability. The terms “weaker” or “less honourable” are not descriptions of disabled people. Paul’s actual point is this:

- every part is indispensable

- every member is necessary

- every gift matters

- no one can say, “I don’t need you”

Each person brings gifts the others do not have. Someone blind may have extraordinary spatial or sensory awareness. Someone deaf may have exceptional visual intelligence. Someone neurodiverse may see patterns or an ideas others miss. A wheelchair user may bring physical insight, resilience, or pastoral wisdom.

These are not “weaker parts” but unique gifts. The church is not complete without them. Disabled people aren’t on the edges of the church.

They are at the centre of its life, shaping its imagination, widening its welcome, and teaching the community how to love.

Paul continues this theme in Romans 12:4-8: “We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.” Grace, not ability. Calling, not productivity. Gift, not achievement.

Disabled people’s gifts are not “bonus extras” or “optional contributions.”

They are part of the church’s essential ministry. When the church treats disabled people as optional, it contradicts Paul’s teaching. The body of Christ is designed to need every member. Disabled people don’t fill gaps — they shape the church’s identity, theology, and imagination. Without their gifts, the church becomes a body missing essential parts.

Some gifts come through speech, presence, wisdom, lived experience, patience, resilience, creativity, humour, or perspective.

The church shouldn’t overlooks these gifts. It’s enriched when it receives the fullness of God’s image in those with disabilities.

We see this when Jesus describes the kingdom as a banquet in Luke 14:12-14. Here, the people usually left out — the poor, the blind, the disabled — are not guests of pity but honoured guests who bear God’s image.

This is about belonging. Jesus teaches that a faithful community is one where disabled people are welcomed, valued, centred, honoured, expected, and celebrated.

This is not modern inclusion. It’s ancient hospitality and kingdom life for all those made in God’s image.

So what does an Image‑of‑God‑shaped church look like?

Its a community where:

- disabled people’s presence is received as revelation

- neurodivergent people’s ways of thinking are treated as gifts

- accessibility is not an add‑on but a way of honouring God’s image

- leadership is shared, flexible, and shaped by diverse bodies and minds

- worship makes space for different sensory, cognitive, and physical needs

- belonging is not conditional on ability, productivity, or conformity

- the pace of church life is shaped by the whole body, not just the fastest or deemed “most honourable” parts

- pastoral care listens to disabled people’s wisdom, not assumptions

- vocation is discerned in and through disabled embodiment

- the community expects God to speak through disabled people.

This is not extra work or accommodation. This is theology, Scripture, and the Image of God lived out in community, a church.

This is hopeful. The church already has what it needs: Each other.

Discussion (5 minutes)

1. What parts of church life look different when disabled people are seen as indispensable?

2. How does the Image of God reshape the way we think about leadership and belonging?

When disabled and neurodivergent people are recognised as indispensable bearers of God’s image, the church’s imagination begins to change, leadership becomes shared, belonging becomes mutual, accessibility becomes worship, and the community learns to expect God to speak through every member. This is not extra work — it is the Image of God lived out in the life of the church.

If you would like to read about the workshop I ran regarding this series, please click here. If you would like to see Part 1 and Part 2, please click these links.

Bible Study: Made in the Image of God — Part 2: What Scripture Says About the Image of God

2026-08-14T01:30:00.000+01:00

After naming the distortions that have shaped how disabled and neurodivergent people are seen in the church in Part 1 of this study, we can turn to what Scripture actually says about the Image of God — and the picture is far more expansive, embodied, and hopeful than many of us were taught.

The Image of God is the foundational identity of every human being. Scripture begins with that truth through creation, formation, calling, and purpose. It begins with a God who creates freely and intentionally. Church Doctrine discusses creation from nothing. God doesn't work with pre-existing flawed material. God is good and His goodness is in all life. If God is good. Nothing created is bad. Disabled bodies, bearing God's image, must therefore be good.

This means the Image of God isn’t an achievement or a reward. It’s not something you earn by fitting a cultural ideal. It’s a gift rooted in God’s own character. If God’s goodness is the foundation of creation, then disabled embodiment isn’t outside that goodness — it participates in it. Scripture starts the story here, with identity before ability, dignity before function.

Genesis 1:26–27 opens with a shocking declaration for its original audience: “Let us make humankind in our image.” Not kings or elite people. All Humankind. Every person, body, and life.

Genesis breaks Ancient Near Eastern culture expectations and places dignity in ordinary people and bodies. No human being is outside God’s likeness.

This means the image of God is a status you receive. You cannot lose it or damage it. Disabled and Neurodivergent people bear God’s image. The image is tied to God’s intention and creativity, not ability.

Genesis begins the story by saying: this is who you are. Not what you can do, but because of who God is.

Psalm 139:13–16 brings this truth into the body. “You knit me together in my mother’s womb.” The language is intimate, tactile, embodied.

God’s not distant from human formation, but present in it. Every body is crafted with care and intention.

This passage often celebrates typical development. It’s truth is wider. If God forms every person, then disabled bodies are not deviations. They are diverse expressions of God’s creative work. They’re not mistakes or problems to be solved. They express God’s creativity.

For neurodivergent people and those, like me, with genetic conditions, this passage says your life, being, and world is not outside God’s knowledge or care. You are formed, known, and held.

Psalm 139 refuses to separate God’s presence from the body. It tells us that embodiment — in all its forms — is the place where God chooses to be involved. That means disabled and neurodivergent bodies aren’t obstacles to God’s image. They’re locations of God’s creative attention and are ready to be met and revealed.

Isaiah 44:2; 49:1,5 adds another dimension: “Thus says the Lord who made and formed you in the womb.” “The Lord called me before I was born.” These passages root identity not only in creation but in vocation. God forms, calls, knows and sends.

Disabled people are not passive recipients of care. They are called, commissioned, and part of God’s mission. Their presence is purposeful. Their gifts are essential. Their lives testify to God’s creative intent.

Isaiah refuses to separate embodiment from calling. Calling isn’t something that happens apart from the body — it happens through the body. Isaiah shows us that vocation is embodied. God doesn’t call a theoretical version of you or those around you, including those with disabilities. God calls you as you are, in the life you have, with the body and mind you inhabit.

Ephesians 2:10 gives us one of the New Testament's strongest statements: “We are God’s workmanship.” The Greek word poiēma means poem, artistry, crafted work. Every person is God’s creative expression.

This dismantles the idea that worth is tied to productivity. Disabled people don’t need to “prove or overcome” to serve God. They’re already God’s workmanship.

Calling is not ability-based. It’s God-based.

When disabled or neurodivergent people are told they are lesser or treated as objects of ministry rather than ministers, Scripture contradicts both, insisting on their full dignity, calling, and participation in the life of God’s people.

The Image of God isn’t an ideal divine body but a diverse gift given to every person; and if every person bears that image fully, then every person must be honoured fully — reshaping how we see each other, the church, and ourselves.

Creations diversity is part of creation’s goodness. Thomas Aquinas compared creation to white light. A source that combines many colours— each distinct and necessary to creations function. Human diversity works the same way. Disabled bodies and minds are part of humanity's spectrum, reflecting God’s creative imagination and image. If creation itself reflects. Diversity isn’t a challenge to unity — it’s the way unity becomes visible. The church reflects God’s image not by sameness, but by interdependence.

The Trinity gives us a model of inclusion. Father, Son, and Spirit, all different, united, interdependence, mutually life-giving. Human life reflects God's image when it's shared, supported and connected.

Together, Scripture gives a clear theological picture:

1. The Image of God is universal and intentionally embodied.

Every person bears God’s likeness equally, and every body is formed with care.

2. Calling is embodied and shared by all.

Disabled people are called in and through their embodiment.

3. Worth and diversity are divine gifts.

Dignity rests in God’s workmanship, not human achievement. Human bodily and mental variety reflects God’s creative imagination, enriches the church, and diversity within his personhood.

This is the centre of the Image of God. It’s not fragile, conditional, or dependent on strength, independence, or conformity. It’s rooted in God’s creative act, relational nature, and vocational calling.

Discussion (5 minutes)

Let’s take a few minutes together to explore two questions:

1. What changes when we see disabled and neurodivergent people as full bearers of God’s image?

2. How does this reshape the way we understand calling and ministry in the church?

When we see disabled and neurodivergent people as full bearers of God’s image, the church’s imagination begins to shift. Calling becomes embodied rather than ability‑based. Ministry becomes shared rather than hierarchical. And diversity becomes a reflection of God’s own life rather than a problem to be solved. This is the heart of the Image of God — a gift given to every person, in every body, without condition.

You can read about the workshop I spoke at please click here. If you want to read Part 1, or Part 3, please click these links.

Bible Study: Made in the Image of God — Part 1: Distortions

2026-08-13T01:30:00.000+01:00

For years, disabled and neurodivergent people have been told—directly or indirectly—that their bodies sit uneasily within the doctrine of the Image of God. At a recent disability conference, I explored why these distortions persist, and why Scripture itself tells a very different story. Below is the first movement of that study.

I'm Martyn. A perpetual theological student, specialising in disability theology, a powerchair user, and neurodivergent. Today we're exploring being made in the image of God.

We will explore what Scripture teaches about the Image of God, but we need to name the ways this doctrine has been distorted. These distortions shape how many Christians read the Bible, and they affect disabled and neurodivergent people deeply. While this has happened throughout history, these distortions still impact lives today. So we begin by clearing away what the Image of God does not mean.

In the Ancient Near Eastern world, only kings were called this, as they, with their statues, embodied divine presence and guidance. Scripture, like Genesis, breaks that pattern, declaring every human bears God’s image. No power, class, or body hierarchy.

As divine bearers, our embodied reflects God’s creative intention.

Disabled people, however, for millennia have been treated as the exceptions, disruptions, and spiritual and physical defects. The problem isn’t Scripture itself, but how it’s been read, preached, and weaponised.

Leviticus 21:17–23 has caused damage. Priests with “blemishes and defects”—blindness, lameness, limb differences—are barred from altar service. This distorts Disabled bodies are unfit for God.

Leviticus operates within an ancient purity system. The altar symbolised ritual purity and perfection, not human worth.

There’s something even more damaging here. Leviticus also says that defective animal offerings displease God. Over time, interpreters blurred the line between those animals and disabled people. If a blemished animal was unfit for the altar, then a blemished priest must also be unfit for God. Disabled bodies were treated like defective sacrifices instead of human beings made in God’s image. The focus shifted from the person to the defect.

For centuries, that distinction has been ignored, and disabled people have been told—explicitly or implicitly—their bodies were less holy or welcome.

Deuteronomy 28:28–29, "the Lord will strike you with madness, blindness, and confusion of mind," presents disability as a covenant curse and the consequences of Israel’s collective disobedience.

Across history, "mental disorientation" and similar language was wrongly applied to neurodivergent people. No longer are we gifted images of God. Instead, this has turned into a theology where disabilities and neurodivergence are results of divine judgement.

Instead of being seen as image‑bearers, they were treated as warnings. That distortion still lingers today in the way people talk about anxiety, depression, psychosis, autism, ADHD — as if these are spiritual failures rather than human realities.

Once these distortions take root, they don’t stay in one passage. They spread. They shape how people read everything else. We actually see this distortion alive in the New Testament. In John 9, the disciples look at a blind man and ask Jesus whether he was cursed or whether his parents sinned. That’s Deuteronomy‑style thinking — absorbed into culture, repeated for generations, over 300 – 400 years, and treated as normal theology. If a belief can spread that far in just a few centuries, imagine how deeply it can embed itself over two thousand years.

Today, Disability scholars agree, this text is using disability as a metaphor for disorientation and shouldn’t be flattened into literal diagnosis, where disabled people carry shame that Scripture or God never asked them to.

More of these distortions carried into the New Testament and Christian interpretation.

2 Corinthians 12:7–10 discusses Paul’s “thorn in the flesh," which has been used to imply disabilities are spiritually weak or a lesson for others. Paul’s point is that God’s grace is sufficient and present in human weakness.

Instead of this becoming a source of comfort, disabled people have heard, “Your weakness is the problem God is trying to fix.”

This pattern continues when we reach 1 Corinthians 12. Paul’s metaphor was meant to show that every member is indispensable, but across Christian history it’s been flipped. Disabled people were labelled the “weaker parts,” treated as needing special compensation, and used to justify conditional inclusion. Strength was celebrated, disability treated as inconvenient, and worth decided by ability.

None of these texts intended to rank bodies or suggest some people bear God’s image more fully. That's generational, millennia-long, inherited cultural ableism—from pulpits, Bible studies, and casual comments about strength, Independence, productivity, normality—projected onto Scripture.

Three patterns emerge.

1. Cultural ideals became biblical interpretation.

When a culture prizes strength, speed, independence, and productivity, disability is read as a deficit.

2. Metaphors were mishandled.

When Scripture is read only at surface level, without theological depth, disability becomes a literal verdict on neurodiverse and disabled people.

3. Purity logic was universalised.

Temple rules about priests and blemished sacrifices treat disabled people like defective animal offerings, creating a hierarchy of ministry worthy bodies. That logic still shapes our priesthood laws, including Canon C4 paragraph 3, requiring candidates whose “physical or mental infirmity” is judged to hinder their duties.

[Image 2. A screenshot of Canon law. C4, paragraph 3. It states "No person shall be admitted into holy orders who is suffering, or who has suffered, from any physical or mental infirmity which in the opinion of the bishop will prevent him from ministering the word and sacraments or from performing the other duties of the minister's office."]

These patterns appeared in the recent Fearfully and Wonderfully Made report, which documented how these distortions still shape clergy and congregational life.

The result is a tragic inversion of the doctrine of the Image of God. Disabled people were told they are less capable, worthy, or able to represent God.

Discussion. Lets take 5 minutes to discuss these 2 questions.

1. How have these distortions shaped the way people read Scripture and see disabled and neurodivergent bodies?

2. Which distortion felt most familiar to you, and why do you think it has lasted so long?

If you would like to read part 2 or part 3, you can by clicking the links here.

Shining a Light in the ENABLE Team.

2026-08-11T08:30:00.000+01:00

I’s 7.19 am, I’m on the train, and I’m heading to The Living Well in Nonington, Canterbury. It feels strange to write that sentence as it carries more weight than a simple blog post entry. This is something I have longed for, as I prepare to give a bible study at a disability workshop. I’ve not publicly spoken outside of church in years, yet here I am, reading my notes, rehearsing, and trying to steady my anxiety.

My life has always been shaped by disability. As you know, I write about FSHD, where my muscles degenerate faster than most. My disability is not static. It’s progressive. Every year takes something new and I must adapt again. I also write about my recent ASD diagnosis and how it shapes my thinking and communication. Disability has never been a side note in my life. It has been the lens through which I see everything. So when disability touches my faith, theological studies, calling, or place in the Church, I must acknowledge it here.

Alongside my health, I’ve also written disability topics about independence vs autonomy, presence vs participation, able bodied privilege equality vs equity. I’ve written about how the Church sees disability and how it often fails to see it at all. I have written about the harm caused to people like me, as mentioned in the Fearfully and Wonderfully Made report. All of this has shaped me, my theology, and my calling.

So today matters.

I’m part of the ENABLE team under Melissa, the disability advisor for Canterbury Diocese. She is wonderful. I told the bishop in February that we needed someone in this role and a team of various disabled individuals. She agreed. Now Melissa is here. I, of course, couldn’t miss the opportunity to be part of it. It feels like the first time in a long time that something has moved in the right direction. Not perfectly. Not quickly. Yet still moving.

Melissa wants us to roll out disability conferences across the diocese. Our hope is to engage and educate everyone. Clergy. Lay ministers. Congregations. Anyone who wants to understand disability better, build a Church that is accessible, welcoming, and be honest about the barriers disabled people face. We talked about doing a test run. That is today.

My role is a Bible study workshop based on the theme Made in the Image of God. I’ve written it in three parts. The first looks at distortions about disabled people that have crept into Scripture through interpretation rather than truth. The second explores what it really means to be made in the image of God. The third asks how the Church can move forward and embrace disabled and neurodivergent people with genuine welcome rather than polite tolerance. I'll share these here, and hopefully the links are above.

I’m excited, but incredibly nervous.

It feels significant to be doing this after all this time and offering something that comes from years of lived experience, theology, and of navigating a Church that has not always known what to do with disabled bodies or disabled minds. I want people to understand that disability is not a problem to solve. It’s a reality to honour. A perspective to learn from. A gift to the Church when the Church is willing to receive it.

I also want people to understand the urgency. My FSHD is not gentle. My body is changing faster than most and my future as a priest depends on a Church that understands disability not as an obstacle but as part of my calling. I want to know that I have a future in an accessible Church. Not just as a disabled person, but as a priest who is disabled.

Today feels like a step toward that future.

I keep thinking about the phrase Tim gave me. Shine a light. Not fight. It has stayed with me. Fighting drains me and makes people retreat into process. Shining a light is slower, calmer, and harder. It invites people to see what they have missed and walk with, but not against, others. Today is about shining a light on what disability really looks like in the life of faith. A friend is running a sensory based creative workshop, myself this bible study, and Melissa looking at prayer from the disability perspective.

I don’t know how this will go or how those there will respond. I only know that this is part of my calling and this is something I’ve needed to do for a long time. Disabled people deserve a Church that sees them, hears them, and values them. I want to be part of building that Church.

I am grateful to be here, teaching, and shining a light.

Maybe that’s enough for today.

To read Part 1, 2, or 3, click the links here.

A Rose by Any Other Name

2026-08-08T10:31:47.347+01:00

Names carry stories, hold memories, and people that shape us. Growing up, I had many different names. Many that I didn’t value until adulthood.

Before I was adopted, I was Daniel Sexton/ Foster, depending on which paperwork you look at. Once I was adopted, I became Martyn Kitney. Even then, that name was hardly used. Due to Back to the Future, I became Marty at school until sixth form, when it became Mart.

I don’t know why my name had a Y. My mum would tease that every name, including my middle name, had a Y in it because I was a troublesome kid, which made her say, “Why, Martyn, why?” So the Y in my name was justified, but I’ll add that to the many things I wish I knew.

Yet close family members, like Mum, Dad, Aunts, and Uncles, called me Little Mo or Mo.

[Image 2. Me as a small child. Capturing myself as Little Mo]

Two stories exist for it. One says it was linked to tennis player Maureen Connolly, known as “Little Mo.” The other says I wasn’t able to say Martyn and due to delayed, and likely ASD‑related, speech issues, I said Mo instead.

All I know is that to the outside world I was Martyn, Marty, or Mart. Inside my parents’ house, I was Little Mo.

I reached fourteen when that changed. My Aunt and Uncle, their daughter, and her children came to stay from Wiltshire. I tried asserting my grown‑up teenager image and asked them to drop it. They agreed, but not fully. It was no longer Little Mo. It was just Mo. So it carried on and I accepted it.

I never appreciated how precious it was. I remember the boys’ mum was there, so I must have been nineteen or twenty. My Aunt and Uncle were visiting again and Mum said, “Call Mo, tell him dinner is ready.” The boys’ mum walked in and said, “Mo, dinner is ready,” only to get told off. She couldn’t call me Mo. She never earned it. I was still only Martyn or Mart to her.

Then Mum died. The person who always called me Mo no matter what. Dad did, but it wasn’t really his thing. He would call me it when speaking to my Aunt or Uncle, but I was still Martyn. When his memory deteriorated thanks to dementia, Mo faded and I stayed just Martyn.

This left only three people who would call me Mo. My Aunt Christine, Uncle Geoff, and their daughter Tanya. I say Aunt and Uncle, but Aunt Christine was Dad’s first cousin. They grew up together like siblings due to wartime measures and her dad passing away. So it was always Aunt and Uncle. Aunt Christine and Uncle Geoff had five daughters. Tanya is the only one who still calls me Mo. The others reference it, but face to face, I’m still Martyn.

[Image 3. A picture of me with my Aunt and Uncle taken in 2024. From left to right, Uncle Geoff, myself, Aunt Christine]

I love that side of the family. They always visited us growing up, were fun, and loved me as much as I loved them. They all knew me as Mo. Yet now I’m forty‑three, older, with kids of my own, and an equal grown‑up, I’m Martyn. Mo, the indoor secret name, is now left to two people. Aunt Christine and Tanya, since Uncle Geoff died last year just shy of his ninetieth birthday.

It’s strange. A name that was your main name for years becoming an artefact held by only two people.

Hannah has been wary. I think the boys’ mum story scared her. She doesn’t want to say it and upset me, or worse, say it and be rejected.

She turned my fourth birthday VHS into digital. She put my headphones on me and the words, “I can’t hear anything Mo, why aren’t you talking?” rang out in my mum’s voice. A voice I hadn’t heard for twelve years. To hear it again meant everything. It brought my name and the love that came with it back.

[Image 4. A still photo taken from the 4th birthday party the moment my mum called me Mo]

We visited my Aunt last weekend. Her daughter said the same. She likes Hannah and can’t see why she can’t use it.

We will see if she does. Someone has to. It saddens me to think that a name carrying so much love is barely used and will eventually fade.

Names carry stories, hold memories, people, and moments that shaped us. Mo has carried all of that. It’s held childhood, family, love, loss, and the quiet thread of belonging that ran through my life. It isn’t just a nickname. It’s a piece of my history spoken out loud.

I don’t know how long it will last or who will say it in the years ahead, but a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, and I carry mine. Whether I am Martyn, Mart, Marty, or Mo, I’m still me. Loved, held, remembered, and shaped by every person who ever spoke my name with affection.

Maybe that’s enough. Maybe I’ll always be Mo.

When the Church Acts: A Response to the New Clergy Conduct Measure

2026-08-05T01:30:00.000+01:00

The Church of England, through the General Synod, has approved the new Clergy Conduct Measure, and I felt something I didn’t expect. Relief. Not because the system is perfect or harm will suddenly disappear. Relief because the Church is naming what many of us have lived through for years. It’s listening and acting.

I’ve written openly about spiritual abuse, institutional harm, the Fearfully and Wonderfully Made report, and ableism for over a decade. I’ve named childhood trauma, safeguarding failures, coerced confession, weaponised healing, and the long shadow of Leviticus 21 that still shapes how disabled bodies are treated. I’ve written about “Simon,” the priest who mocked disabled people, blamed us for lacking faith, used demons and evil spirits as explanations for disability, and pushed exorcism without training. He then blamed us. He blamed anyone who didn’t fit his theology. They always “had the devil in them.”

He fractured our parish, lied to our sister church, abandoned us, and spread narratives that made us look like the problem over a nine‑month period while there were moments that allowed him to do that. Families left. Women were harmed. LGBTQ people were diminished. Disabled people were used as jokes or spiritual warnings. When I met with the bishop during my ordination process, she agreed that these actions were safeguarding and spiritual abuse, even when I didn’t name him or this incident directly. Despite everything that went wrong in that meeting, this was a positive. Yet he resigned, crossed diocesan lines, and is now an associate vicar elsewhere. No accountability. No justice. Just movement. One that leaves survivors. A pattern the Church unfortunately knows well.

This is why the new Clergy Conduct Measure matters.

The Church Times article outlines the new rules. Complaints must be dealt with “justly, expeditiously, and proportionately.” Timeframes are short. Investigations must be completed within months, not years. Misconduct decisions must be published. Case‑management powers mirror best practice in secular courts. Safeguarding concerns, criminal conduct, and serious misconduct cannot be hidden. The rules are “deeply mindful of the humanity of everyone involved,” protecting the vulnerable and defending clergy against weaponised complaints.

For someone like me, who has lived through the consequences of a system that didn’t act, this is huge.

If these rules had existed when Simon arrived, everything could have been different. His behaviour wouldn’t have been dismissed. His actions wouldn’t have been quietly nodded toward the code of conduct without follow‑through. Yes, that’s all I got: “Martyn, I don’t think this is safeguarding, but you should look at the code of conduct of a priest.” If this Measure existed then it could have stopped his actions.

With it, the lies, division, spiritual abuse, ableism, harm towards women and LGBTQ people, our church abandonment, and the narrative manipulation would have been addressed. Not whispered about or tolerated. Addressed.

The Church is recognising that harm doesn’t always look like headlines. Sometimes it looks like a joke about disability, a healing narrative that blames disabled people, a priest using demons to explain someone’s disability, and sometimes it looks like a community being split apart because accountability threatens someone’s power.

That was his issue. He wanted us to stop streaming our services to elderly and disabled members who were unable to attend in person. It’s a resource. For him, it was accountability. Without it, he could say and do whatever he liked and dismiss anyone’s complaints as misunderstandings, personal issues, or even blame the person. Just like he’s done before.

The new Measure doesn’t fix everything, but it acknowledges that subtle harm can be spiritual, institutional, and damaging. It acknowledges that clergy can misuse power, that complaints need structure, clarity, and urgency, and that victims and survivors deserve justice.

Archbishop Sarah Mullally leads this shift. She understands safeguarding, chronic health, carers, and institutional bias. She knows the Church must change, especially following her predecessor’s exit. She’s becoming the beacon the Church needs. Safeguarding is no longer a footnote. It’s becoming the centre.

This matters for survivors. It matters for congregations who have been dismissed, ignored, or blamed, for those who have been told their harm wasn’t “serious enough,” and for those who watched clergy move dioceses and start again without consequence.

The Church is learning to shine a light, not hide the shadows.

I’m not naïve. Systems fail. People fail. Harm still happens. Yet this Measure is a step toward a Church that listens, protects, acts, understands mandatory safeguarding, and recognises spiritual abuse and misconduct. This is a Church that refuses harm to slip quietly across diocesan borders.

This is a positive and necessary step. Being on the ordination process, completing the Carousel Conversations, and growing into my vocation as a priest, I welcome this. I’m committed to following it, not just for myself, but for those like me who deserve better.

The Church is moving in the right direction.

FSHD: What’s Changing

2026-08-04T10:27:24.503+01:00

Although I write openly about my health, I don’t track what I’m losing or what FSHD is doing. Every time I see my specialist he asks what’s changed, but I don’t give him the whole picture. I forget things and kick myself after. This post is a way of tracking it better.

FSHD (Facioscapulohumeral muscular dystrophy) is broken down into different areas, beginning with the face (Facio). I’ve noticed some shift. My mouth drops when I sleep. Unlike people I know, I can close it when I’m awake, but when I relax it naturally opens and drops.

[Image 2. The image focuses on my the lower face and mouth, illustrating facial weakness associated with FSHD. The slightly open lips and visible facial hair highlight reduced control and movement, reflecting difficulties with whistling, using a straw, or puckering. This photo was taken in 2021. It's visibly the same despite being weaker]

At night I drool and end up waking with pool of drool around my collarbones. I hate it.

My eyes have worsened too. I’ve used an eye mask for over a decade, but Hannah and the kids have noticed that if I fall asleep early or nap without it, my eyelids close halfway and my pupils roll back. My speech has also shifted. I mentioned this in March. It’s still the same letters, but I stop, change words, and say things wrong more often. Unless you know, you’d think it’s mispronunciation, but it’s not.

Shoulders (Scapulo) and upper back are next, causing my neck to worsen. Despite my neck twitching before 2014, it’s progressed. Hannah regularly applies deep heat to my neck and shoulders to help. The neck muscles weaken and pull forward, which forces the shoulders to compensate and makes me pull myself upright. We have a lovely family photo from Wrexham at Hannah’s brother’s wedding. I was in my manual chair, without the head support of my powerchair, my neck dropped forward, and it cuts my neck out of the photo. The photo highlighted how much it’s declined, especially compared to decades‑old photos.

Now.

[Image 3. A group photi of the six of us as we pose together outdoors in front of a decorative black metal gazebo. From left to right standing, James, Will, Hannah, Midge, and Arty. I sit in a wheelchair at the front. We are dressed in semi‑formal clothing. This highlights the neck change i describe above]

Below is 2022. Showing 4 years difference and my neck holding head up.

[Image 4. A group photo of the six of us at Rochester pride 2022. From left to right standing, Hannah, James, Will, Midge, and Arty. I sit in my chair in front of James and Will. The kids are wearing sexuality flags and James and Will have their flags painted on their face.]

FSHD then moves to the stabilising torso (humeral) region. This is the biggest and quickest degeneration. Despite writing about it in May, it’s weakened more. Travelling in my powerchair has become harder. I wrote in July that travelling isn’t easy. People make jokes, but the reality is different. I regularly navigate uneven curbs, cobbles, patchwork paths, bumpy pedestrian islands, and slopes that jolt my core and cause me to slip and slump in the chair, making me sore and physically tired.

It’s become so difficult that I now wear a Double Pull Lower Back Support Lumbar Brace. It wraps around the torso and uses adjustable tension straps to stabilise weakened muscles. It supports the lumbar spine, pulls the core into alignment, and reduces the wobble, slip, and fail. It helps, but it highlights how much strength has gone and why I tremble and almost fall as I try to hold myself upright during transfers.

[Image 5. A close‑up of the back and side of a person wearing a black and blue lumbar brace. The belt’s elastic bands and adjustable straps provide compression and support to the lower back, symbolising the physical adaptations used to manage FSHD‑related weakness.]

My MD belly has also worsened. People think it’s fat or weight gain, despite losing weight. When I wear the brace, everything pushes in and reshapes. Without the brace, I fit a stretchy pair of thirty‑six‑inch waist jeans and need large shirts. With the brace I’m a thirty‑four‑inch regular fit waist and medium shirts. Instead, my back curves, changes shape, and arches, pushing my stomach out.

[Image 6. The image highlights the humeral region, showing visible muscle weakening and atrophy around the neck, shoulder blades, and upper arms. It visually represents the physical changes caused by FSHD, focusing on the biceps and triceps areas. At the abdominal area you can see how my MD belly pushes out and bulges, pushing down and forwards. Whereas, you can also see the curvature of my spine when its misaligned. These photos were taken in 2021. This is worse now.]

FSHD then moves into the arms and hands. I feel this loss personally. My right hand has worsened. I struggled typing last year at college. I’m also struggling to play the piano, which breaks my heart. My fourth and little finger no longer straighten properly. Unfortunately, the shape I use to drive my chair matches my hand shape, making the repeated posture waste and weaken the muscle. The joystick posture shows again when I write, hold my phone, and use utensils. I tried correcting it. It mostly worked, but it’s off. My writing is messier than normal, which in turn makes me worry about drawing. Then there’s my left wrist, which is currently in a support strap. Without realising it, I’ve stopped using my right arm as much and compensated with my left.

FSHD eventually reaches the legs. Mine have thinned, weakened, and bowed more. When I stand during transfers my legs start shaking and pull me backwards. Hannah had to grab me this week before I toppled backwards. She thinks it’s core related, but I feel my legs pulling me back. My right ankle also gives way repeatedly. I end up standing with my left foot flat and the rest of my weight on the buckled ankle, which causes a sharp, deep, and unbearable painful throb.

This core and standing issue has also changed something else. We converted our bathroom into a full wet room in January and the Occupational Therapist pushed for a hoist. I hate them. They remove independence. I knew I’d need one eventually, but I was ok. I thought I had time. I don’t. I hate to say it, but it’s so bad we’ll need one soon.

I’ve written openly and honestly about my health for years, but never really tracked it. I need to do it to pinpoint those changes.

This is my FSHD now. It’s not dramatic. It’s simply the truth.

Maddy Time: Spiderman Brand New Day

2026-08-02T01:30:00.000+01:00

Spoiler Warning: This post contains plot details from Spiderman: Brand New Day.

On Friday, Midge and I went to see Spiderman: Brand New Day, and it felt like the perfect way to spend our last bit of time together before she heads to her dad’s. We’re both Marvel fans, and when we do get some Maddy Time, watching movies is our thing. It’s how we connect. So, for me, this film mattered before we even sat down. I get time with my amazing daughter.

Brand New Day is already getting strong reviews online. People are calling it Tom Holland’s most emotional performance since No Way Home, and I agree. Although I think No Way Home was way more emotional. He has this way of carrying sadness that feels real. He did it with Aunt May’s death. That still gets me every time I watch it. That kid is such a good actor. He does it again here. Watching him alone, cut off from his friends, still loving MJ from a distance, desperate to be friends with Ned again, being tricked and broken again, hit me harder than I expected. There’s something about Tom Holland’s Peter Parker that always gets me. He plays vulnerability without making it weak and heartbreak and hope without making it dramatic. He manages to make me feel every part of it.

Sitting next to Midge made it even better. She’s my daughter in so many ways. Her humour, her likes, her wicked cackle, the way we joke around in a way that others would probably question or at least raise an eyebrow at, all of it is us. She’s going to her dad’s for two weeks, which is a strange thing for her, but she and I both have hope that it will go well. I won’t pop that bubble. Their relationship has been difficult for years. He thinks he’s pushing her to be better, but it breaks her down instead. The promises he doesn’t keep. The comments that hurt. The moments that should have been supportive but weren’t. It stacked up and up. She even wrote a list naming it all. Last year was awfully hard for her. She tried talking to him. That didn’t work. She even stopped talking to him for a long time because she couldn’t keep trying. He was just unnecessarily horrible. He said things that he shouldn't have said, especially if he knew hos daughter.

They eventually made up, but she knows her father, accepts that he is just the way he is and takes what she can, when she can. She has her barriers up with him. She wasn’t going to go originally, but Arty convinced her to stay at their dad’s. At Christmas she went down but stayed with Hannah’s family. You can imagine how much this visit weighs on me. It's always been difficult for me. Nine years of hassle, of her trying and making the effort, and hoping he will be different. Going back now is a big step. She’s 18. An adult, but still my daughter. I have always wanted to jump in and say something. I don’t. It’s not my place. Although Hannah did give him an option to speak to me last year. He refused. He didn’t think he could handle any criticism, even if I meant well. It doesn’t mean I don't worry. I only want him to be is the father she deserves. I shouldn’t have to cover the space he lacks. I'm proud that I do, but I genuinely want it to go as well as possible. For her sake.

That’s why I wanted us to have some time. Not dad and daughter dates. That doesn’t fit us. We have Maddy Time. Maddy is the name she gave me when she was little. Martyn‑Daddy = Maddy. A name I took on because I didn’t want her dad displaced, even though she wanted to call me Dad after the fourth time I met her. She still calls me Maddy nine years later. It’s ours. I love it. Just as I know she loves to still be called Midge.

Brand New Day gave us exactly what we needed. A story about love, loss, hope, and trying again even when life feels heavy. Watching Peter Parker fight through loneliness while still choosing kindness felt close to home. Watching him carry heartbreak while still protecting others reminded me of her. She’s been through so much, yet she keeps going. She keeps trying. Peter Parker's actions reminded me a lot about her.

We talked theories on the way there. Both struggled on the really hot bus. We laughed at the funny parts. Then chatted about it after. It was good. It was us.

She’s going away for two weeks. It will fly by. I’ll still miss her. I always do. She’s my daughter. I’ll still text her. Just to keep our normal style of humour running even if she is down there. Watching Spiderman with her before she left felt like the perfect way to hold a moment with her before she went.

Brand New Day was brilliant. Maddy Time was even better.

[Image 2. Midge sits on the left as she leans into to me on the right wearking a white and grey shirt, a dark tshort, and a black Wrexham hat. The photo is dark as we sit in the screen room waiting for the end credits to play]

Why I'm Called to be a Priest

2026-07-30T10:24:12.567+01:00

Since writing about the ordination process here, a few friends have been surprised that I felt called to be a priest. I thought it’s time to tell the story.

My childhood was a mix of Salvation Army, Methodist, Church of England, and Jehovah’s Witnesses. By my teens, church and God were bad words in my household. Yet when my FSHD began, long before we knew what it was, the little red New Testament from secondary schools became a lifeline. Thirteen years passed. I tried Alpha courses and was repeatedly asked to leave. I didn’t fit the mould. Eventually, I found a church home. I started writing. This blog began, I explored my faith, and tried understanding the God who called before its 2013 relaunch into lifestyle, parenting, disability, and home schooling.

I first sensed God calling me to priesthood in 2010. It wasn’t dramatic or a voice. It was a feeling. A certainty. A knowing that couldn’t be argued. Others reinforced it, including the priest at that church. It seemed set.

Then 2011 happened. My marriage ended. My world turned upside down. My mum died the year after. I became an alcoholic. I was sectioned and misdiagnosed with personality disorders instead of ASD. Everything fell apart.

I kept my faith, but I doubted my calling. I couldn't embrace it. I felt unworthy. Preaching and teaching were the parts that felt right, but my life didn’t seem to match the image of a priest. How could a disabled, divorced, recovering alcoholic, home‑schooling two little boys, with mental health issues ever be a priest? I wasn’t a perfect Christian. My friends even called me the best worst Christian. Then, with Scripture being used to tell disabled people they were unfit for service, the more I degenerated, the less possible it felt.

Yet my calling never faded. It stayed like a pulsing lighthouse. When Hannah and I started dating, I told her early on. It didn’t run away. She embraced it fully.

Then COVID hit. The church needed people who understood online spaces. That was us. Blogging taught us social media and online communities. Our late priest, Sue, asked us to run the church’s Facebook and Instagram. We did. It exploded. Thirty thousand people worldwide saw what our little English church was doing monthly. We just did what we knew. God showed us how small the world is compared to Him.

One Sunday, during worship, after sharing what God had done online, I felt God saying, “You’re ready now.” Not because I’d become perfect. That above personal still existed. If anything, it was worse. I was now in a relationship with another divorced person navigating a blended family. Nevertheless, something has shifted. God had been preparing me. He stripped away unneeded aspects, sanded down rough edges, and polished others in that decade, showing me who I was and who He needed me to be.

Disability played a huge part. For years, churches tried healing me. Removing the gift God gave me. My disability, however, became the very thing that connected me to those who are shut indoors, isolated, overlooked, or forgotten. Online community became a lifeline. Blogging showed me that. A simple “good morning” post can be pastoral care. Social media isn’t a noticeboard. It’s a neighbourhood. People want belonging, not content.

The next turning point came when disabled and neurodivergent people started coming to church. Half our congregation is disabled or neurodiverse now. Brokenness is what Jesus carried. He still holds His wounds. I realised I could hold mine too. Brokenness isn’t a barrier. It’s a bridge. He showed me how being the best worst Christian brought others in.

I started mentioning my calling more. Testing the waters. People worried about my health as “my life was hard enough.” That changed when David, a priest helping us during the “Simon” drama, put me forward for it.

Even then, I sold myself short. I applied to be a deacon, not a priest. Years of didability comments made me doubt what I could do. I’d been told for years to explore lay ministry because it was “easier”. Even the bishop said it back in February. That’s not what I’m called to. Disabled priests have always heard this. The Fearfully and Wonderfully Made report names it clearly. Ableist assumptions about what disabled people can and can’t do. Yet God kept saying, “Priest.” The Carousel Conversations results came in. They said priest too.

I’m theologically minded. I love Scripture and teaching the truth of what was written, not the misinterpretations that get misused. I feel called to find the rejects. The disabled. The neurodiverse. The broken. The ones who think churchor God isn’t for them. Church is an ecosystem. Fresh expressions, like Messy Church, cathedrals, or online communities. I speak for those who feel lost those spaces.

The Ordinal says priests are to proclaim the word of the Lord, teach, shepherd Christ’s flock, search out the poor and lonely, be servants, and be messengers and stewards. That’s where I fit. Despite feeling unworthy, my brokenness isn’t a disqualification. It’s preparation.

I didn’t wait for God. God waited for me. He spent sixteen years calling me. The least I could do is pick up and answer that call.

The Dentist Visit

2026-07-28T01:30:00.000+01:00

I went to the dentist yesterday. The dentist herself is lovely and we often end up talking about faith while she works. She is warm, calm, and genuinely kind. I still hate going, though. I always have.

People may assume it’s an autism thing. Dental environments are full of bright lights, close faces, cold metal, chemical smells, and loud drills. Those parts are unpleasant, but they’re not the main issue for me. The bright light in my face is something I really dislike, but I’m not overwhelmed by the sensory intensity of the environment in the way many autistic people are. My difficulty sits somewhere else.

The feeling of someone exploring my mouth is what I struggle with. A rubber glove against my cheek makes my skin crawl. The suction tube bothers me even more. It pulls at my tongue and cheeks in a way that feels unpredictable and out of control. I can cope with the metal mirror. That part is fine. The problem is the regular cleans. When you cannot use your arms properly, you cannot maintain your teeth the way you want. I try. I invested in an electric toothbrush today after my dentist recommended it, and hope it helps. Even so, the scraping tool for plaque is the real challenge. Every stroke against my teeth makes me grip the chair and wait for it to be over. The mouth is one of the most sensitive parts of the body, so heightened oral sensitivity makes complete sense to me.

Strangely, I don’t mind the dentist being close to my face. The hygienist is different. Her proximity unsettles me. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the suction. Maybe it’s the lack of precision. The dentist moves with intention. She knows exactly what she’s doing. The hygienist obviously does too or she wouldn’t be working there, but it feels less controlled. I end up swallowing bits of water and plaque while she works, which only adds to the discomfort. I try not to gag, but it’s hard.

Being a powerchair user adds another layer. I don’t transfer to the dentist chair any more. I don’t even think my weakened core would let me. I drive as close as possible, recline my own chair, and pull myself back into a semi‑lying position. Once I’m back, that’s it. I can’t adjust. I can’t reach the button to change the function. I have to ask the dentist to do it. I feel restricted in that position. I can’t move away if something hurts. I can’t lift a hand to signal discomfort. I’m stuck while rubber gloves press against my mouth, pull my cheeks, and tools scrape at my teeth. The lack of physical control is difficult. I try and cope. Push through it. I sing worship music in my head, close my eyes, focus on God, and tolerate as much as I can.

Childhood plays its part too. My teeth have always been strong. I’m told this every time I go, and I’m grateful. I’ve only ever had one filling. Hannah has had far worse experiences and has needed major work, which deepens her fear of the dentist. My problem isn’t decay or pain. It’s memory.

My baby teeth didn’t fall out naturally. Strong roots meant they stayed firmly in place. I remember only three coming out on their own. An apple and a piece of raw carrot claimed two. One wiggled out at school. The rest had to be removed.

OK. That's possibly an exaggeration. I probably lost more naturally, but I don’t remember that. I do remember spending a lot of time in the dentist’s chair as a child, being injected and having teeth pulled. I collected pieces of a Lego medieval set because of it. Every visit earned me another item. If you pushed me, I’d say at least six or seven of my baby teeth were removed, possibly more. Some of it was due to strong roots. Some was because adult teeth erupted in the wrong position. Delayed exfoliation might explain it. This is just where some people don’t naturally lose their baby teeth. I don’t know. I only know that I was there often, and it shaped how I feel now.

If you had to go through that, I’d assume you wouldn’t like the dentist either. It’s no surprise that I dislike going. I’m thankful my teeth are strong. I’m thankful I don’t need the work Hannah does. I simply don’t like the experience. I’m not sure anyone does.

Maybe it’s not fully an autism thing. I’m sure some of those bits at the start contribute, but not completely. Some of it is childhood trauma. I dread finding out I need work, despite having good teeth and only ever requiring one filling. Some of it is the lack of control.

Maybe it’s a human thing. The invasion. The vulnerability. The strange feeling of someone working inside your mouth. The necessity of it. The way we endure it because we must, not because we want to. Yet we still go, open our mouths, and trust the hands that help us. Maybe that’s the part that matters most.

Either way, I'm grateful I can wait another six months.

Emotional Overwhelm

2026-07-25T01:30:00.000+01:00

This week has been stressful. War and Order, the game I enjoy and play, became a second workplace. I’m the alliance leader. We’ve had a few personal dramas that match many real life communities. Personalities collided, tempers rose, and I found myself dealing with conflict from every direction over three weeks. I managed it at the start, yet, by the third week, the emotional cost built quietly. Arguments and defensiveness just kept hitting me. My normal conflict diplomacy wasn’t working. I reached the point where I knew I needed to step back, regulate, and delegate to my friends, but emotional overwhelm sat underneath it all.

Emotional overwhelm has always been part of my life. My ASD assessment described how I suppress emotions until they build and how anxiety rises when I struggle to understand people’s responses. It has been this way from childhood into adulthood. Transitioning between year groups and schools, constantly struggling with friendships, leaving my friends and family for university, my first marriage ending, and my mum dying all triggered me.

What seems to be a problem is that while I experience emotions, I, according to my ASD assessment, can’t quite grasp them. I feel sadness, anxiety, and overwhelm sit physically, but rather than explain them, I can only respond how they physically impact me, like how sadness and anxiety is a chest feeling. I never had the language for anything deeper. When this all becomes difficult, the overwhelm hits, and a clear sign is always the unnecessary, long worded communication. That pattern has been with me since school and is something I explored in my neurodivergent communication post.

This week showed how quickly overwhelm can rise when fairness is threatened. I noticed patterns others missed. Hypocrisy, manipulation, personal vendettas and unnecessary judgement. These things have always bothered me more than they seem to bother other people. I wrote about this in my reassessment post, describing how fairness feels like a rule written into my bones. When people twist situations or act unfairly, my mind locks onto it. It’s not stubbornness. It’s how my brain processes justice, clarity and truth.

It wasn't just the game. I have been juggling my physical health, the stress the teens sometimes bring, managing their ASD and making sure one doesn't trigger another, avoiding me triggering them or them me, church activities, friendships, and ministries, and, just like the game, navigating the social issues within our church community, especially those who apply unnecessary pressure and stress, just because they too struggle regulating too.

One of the clashes this week involved a friend. He’s a good guy, yet he becomes defensive when challenged. I become blunt when clarity matters. We collided. He felt attacked. I felt frustrated by the hypocrisy I saw. The worst part was that he was not the main source of the drama. He simply stepped into the wrong moment. My other friend Longhorn (his game handle) covered for me, even though he’s friends with the guy. It was kind and necessary. I reached the point where I knew I would snap if I stayed. So I stepped back. It was the right choice.

Stepping back is one of the ways I cope. My assessment described how I isolate myself, but that sounds like a negative trait. I use noise cancelling headphones and follow predictable routines when things become too much. These strategies help. They don’t remove the overwhelm. They just stop it from spilling into other areas of life. I still feel the anxiety in my chest. I replay the injustice. I struggle with the parts of humanity that make no sense to me. I’m 43 and still don’t understand why people choose manipulation or personal vendettas. I understand conflict. I don’t understand unnecessary cruelty.

For years these reactions were framed as emotional instability. My 2015 post on Dependent Personality Disorder shows how I interpreted everything through that lens. I described myself as clingy, needy and unable to cope alone. I wrote about panic, fear and distress. I believed it. I had no other language. My ASD assessment explains why that diagnosis never fit. It states that my difficulties are not better explained by a mental health condition and that my overwhelm is linked to sensory processing differences and a need for sameness. It also notes that I manage well in stable and predictable environments. That’s not EUPD. That's autism.

My post reflecting on that old diagnosis shows the difference clearly. The traits I described in 2015 were signs of autistic burnout, not personality disorder. Routine disruption, emotional flooding, shutdowns, sensory overwhelm and literal thinking were all present. They were misinterpreted. My life stabilised. The dependency didn’t remain. Autism did. They’ve been consistent since childhood. My ASD diagnosis, communication, and reassessment posts show how the picture was always there.

This week didn’t expose instability, but autistic traits I’ve carried my whole life. The need for fairness. The difficulty interpreting tone. The bluntness that appears when clarity matters. The overwhelm that rises when social demands spike. The anxiety that sits quietly underneath. The need to step back and regulate. These aren’t signs of emotional disorder.

I’m not broken or unstable. Since this diagnosis I’m finally understanding the map. This week was difficult, but it made sense. I can see the pattern clearly. I can see myself clearly. I feel calmer and more stable, just by reflecting back through that lens, and knowing my regulation techniques will and have helped.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made Report: What you need to know

2026-07-22T01:30:00.000+01:00

The Church of England released the Fearfully and Wonderfully Made report in February this year, but I know many have still not read it, even though it’s one of the most important pieces of research on disabled and neurodivergent clergy the Church has ever commissioned. It shapes how I live as a disabled Christian with FSHD and autism, my children and disabled friends lives, my calling and ministry, and how I navigate the ordination process.

I’ve mentioned it many times here but I realised I’ve never actually broken it down or explained it in a way that helps people understand what it says, why it matters, and how it affects real lives for those who haven’t read the seventy‑three page document. This post is my attempt to do that. A guide for anyone who wants to understand disability wellbeing in the Church of England.

The report explores the decade long study of wellbeing and flourishing of disabled and neurodivergent clergy as part of the Living Ministry research programme. The researchers spoke with twenty‑seven clergy who are disabled or neurodivergent. They call them dialogue partners because they weren’t just interviewees. They shaped the findings, corrected assumptions, and co‑created the knowledge. The small number is telling. Many clergy are still afraid to declare disability or neurodivergence because they expect ableism or the very problems the report names.

The report makes one thing clear. Disabled clergy are not struggling because of their “impairments” (I hate that institutional term). They’re struggling because the Church’s structures, culture, and theology, alongside adaptions, practices, and policies that don’t allow full participation, disable them. That distinction matters. It shifts responsibility from the individual to the institution. It’s not the person’s body or mind, but the inaccessible world around them.

The findings are organised into four clusters. Each uses Scripture in a deliberately jarring way to highlight how Scripture is often misused against disabled people.

1. Barriers to discernment

Disabled and neurodivergent people often find the discernment process confusing and culturally narrow. Many clergy said no one explained how it worked. They were expected to pick it up by osmosis.

There were almost no role models or mentors. Training institutions often lacked disability awareness and some ordinands had to self‑fund neurodivergent assessments because their institution (TEI) dismissed their concerns. My experience embodies this. I paid for my assessment and sought disability support from Tim Goode. It was not straightforward.

2. Ableism and oppression

This is the hardest section to read. It describes how the Church’s culture prefers a particular kind of priest. Intellectual, middle‑class, neurotypical, invulnerable. One person said the selection process was skewed towards “intellectual introverts of a particular ilk.” I recognise this. I’ve often been nudged towards “lesser” roles because I don’t fit the traditional priest box.

Disabled clergy feel pressure to mask their needs. Some felt their disability was weaponised against them. Others were told to hide diagnoses during job applications. You can see why many chose not to participate in the research.

Both clusters show diminished physical, mental, relational, and vocational wellbeing.

3. Threats and opportunities for human flourishing

This section is more hopeful. It shows how physical disability and neurodivergence can be gifts for ministry. A statement before Archbishop Sarah stated it. Disabled clergy are often more approachable, model vulnerability, and embody inclusion. One person said, “The risen, ascended Christ still has wounds.” I had already been reflecting on that image months before in my Carousel Conversations.

The report also shows how resilience is misused. Disabled clergy are expected to cope rather than be supported. Many relied on chance relationships rather than formal structures. Some had to pay for their own physiotherapy or accessibility needs. This I feel is a statement of disabled life in general.

It matters for ordinands like me because the report describes the exact culture we enter and the barriers we face. It shows the assumptions people make about us and how our bodies and brains are misread. Exactly like my meeting with the bishop. The irony of her doing the very thing the report warned about, denying these issues even exist, and then being upset when I showed her it within the report.

4. Language and theology

The final cluster investigates how the Church talks and thinks about disability. Many clergy said the language is inadequate. Some prefer the social model. Others avoid disability language altogether.

The report highlights harmful theology. Disability used as metaphor. Suffering romanticised. Calls to “take up your cross” used to justify structural injustice. Disability Theology, when it is taught, gives disabled clergy a way to make sense of their experience, but it is rarely heard in parishes.

The report also celebrates progress. It notes that 13.2% of ordination candidates now declare a disability. It highlights innovation funding for neurodivergent formation, bishops appointing advisors with lived experience, and dioceses beginning to adapt buildings and training. These are hopeful signs.

It also reveals severe harm. One clergy was pressured into surgery during discernment and now lives with a life‑altering disability as a result. Many clergy felt isolated and misunderstood, that their vocation was questioned because of their disability, and that their wellbeing was eroded by structures never designed for them.

The recommendations are clear. Training for bishops and DDOs. Disability Officers in every diocese. Accessible buildings. Better support in TEIs. Proper routes to diagnosis. More Disability Theology teaching. Structural change rather than individual resilience. These are all essential if the Church wants disabled clergy to flourish. To her credit, my bishop has now appointed a Disability Officer and formed an Enable Team, which I’m part of. It’s a start.

This report gives language to experiences I’ve lived for years. It gives evidence to things disabled Christians have been saying quietly for decades. The Church has a chance to change.

I hope it takes it. If there are areas you want to know more about, let me know and I’ll write more posts.