I loved people, cared deeply, and tried hard. But I often felt confused by my own reactions: hurt too easily, frustrated too quickly, shutting down too fast, or overwhelmed by moments that shouldn’t have felt so big.

Even in my marriage, which is one of the greatest gifts of my life, I found myself caught in patterns I couldn’t explain. Moments of distance felt like danger. Miscommunications spiraled faster than logic. My reactions didn’t match the situation.

Like most people, I chalked it up to communication issues or stress or “that’s just how I am.”

Then I learned about Attachment Theory, and for the first time in my life, things started to make sense.

• What I thought were personality issues were actually attachment patterns.
• What I thought were flaws were actually survival strategies.
• What I thought was “just me” was actually the way my nervous system had learned to feel safe.

As I began to teach others what I was learning, I kept hearing one refrain–“When are you going to write a book on this?”

Three years after first teaching Love Styles, the book is now here:

Love Styles: Why You Love the Way You Do (and How to Change It)

I wrote it because understanding attachment has the power to change marriages, friendships, parenting, leadership, and even your walk with God.

What Is Attachment Theory?

Attachment Theory explains how humans bond and how we respond to connection, closeness, conflict, danger, and emotional needs.

Most people don’t realize that their attachment style influences:

• the fights you keep having
• the silence you’re afraid of
• the distance you feel
• the intensity you bring
• the walls you build
• the people you choose
• why you stay
• why you run
• why you chase
• why you shut down

Psychologists outline four patterns:

• Secure Attachment – “I can be close and still be myself.”

• Anxious Attachment – “I fear losing you, so I chase connection.”

• Avoidant Attachment – “I fear feeling overwhelmed, so I stay distant.”

• Disorganized Attachment – “I want connection, but I don’t trust it.”

These patterns show up in every relationship—marriage, dating, parenting, friendships, and even your spiritual life.

The bad news–you didn’t choose your attachment.

The good news–you can change it.

Attachment can change. It’s not fixed. It’s not personality or desinty. Attachment patterns are behaviors that were learned early in life. And they worked. They helped get our needs met. But what worked in the past is likely what’s causing frustration in the present.

But thankfully, those patterns can change. And change begins by understanding the ideas and recognizing them in your present relationships.

If you want to discover your attachment pattern in specific relationships, you can take my free assessment:

Take the Love Styles Attachment Assessment here: Love Styles Assessment
(This tool shows you your attachment style in one specific relationship—and you can retake it for multiple people.)

Why Attachment Theory Is So Important in Relationships

Most couples think their biggest problem is poor communication.

It rarely is.

What looks like a communication problem is usually an attachment issue in disguise.

Attachment explains why:

• your spouse shuts down
• you chase when you feel ignored
• conflict feels threatening
• silence feels like rejection
• some people feel smothered by closeness
• others panic when they sense distance
• sex/intimacy become complicated
• emotional safety is so hard to build

You can learn all the communication tools in the world, but if your attachment patterns go unaddressed, the same problems keep resurfacing.

Communication is the symptom. Attachment is the root.

Once you understand attachment, everything else makes sense.

Attachment Theory Through a Christian Lens

Some people wonder whether Attachment Theory fits within a Christian worldview. But to me, it is one of the best explanations of what happened between Genesis 2 and Genesis 3. Attachment Theory partially explains the impact sin had on us.

1. Scripture teaches that we are created for connection.

Genesis 2:18 says, “It is not good for the man to be alone.”
This is more than a marriage verse; it’s a statement of design.

We are created in the image of a relational God.
Father, Son, Spirit—perfect attachment, perfect attunement, perfect unity.

Attachment Theory puts neuroscience behind the theology:
Humans thrive in secure love.

2. Sin breaks attachment.

In the fall, shame enters. Fear shows up. Adam and Eve hide, from God and each other.

Attachment ruptures.

One partner withdraws (avoidant).
One chases (anxious).
Some panic (disorganized).

These patterns aren’t modern inventions. They’re ancient wounds.

3. Jesus came to restore secure attachment.

The ministry of Jesus is essentially an attachment repair mission.

“Come to me.”
“Remain in me.”
“I will never leave you.”
“You are mine.”

Jesus offers presence, safety, empathy, and consistency. It provides everything needed for secure attachment.

4. Spiritual growth is relational growth.

Spiritual maturity is not primarily behavioral modification. It is relational transformation.

Learning to trust God.
>Learning to stay present.
>Learning to love others.
>Learning to receive love.
>Learning to calm your fears.

Attachment Theory helps you understand the emotional patterns that often sabotage spiritual growth.

Start Your Attachment Journey Today

If you want deeper relationships, a calmer nervous system, or healthier connections, learning your attachment pattern is the best place to start.

Take the free Attachment Assessment here:
Discover Your Love Style

And if you want the full roadmap—the stories, the neuroscience, the biblical connections, and the exact steps for change—grab the book here:

Love Styles: Why You Love the Way You Do (and How to Change It)

Your relationships aren’t broken. They’re patterned. And patterns can change.

The post Attachment Shapes Every Relationship You Have appeared first on Kevin A. Thompson.

On the latest Change the Odds podcast, we spent time on the architecture and on the staircase that connects the floors: growth. You cannot shortcut it. You also can’t outsource it. Growth is a skill forged from a thousand tiny choices that eventually become a marriage culture.

Attachment is not optional

If you’ve ever sat with a couple that “does everything right” and still feels dead inside, you’ve met technique without trust. You can split chores evenly, use perfect “I-statements,” hit the recommended number of sexual encounters per week, and remain strangers. Why? Because the body keeps the score. Without felt safety, techniques feel like performance, not presence.

Attachment isn’t infantile. It’s human. It’s the baseline that tells our nervous system, “You’re safe enough to risk.” That’s what makes growth possible.

Trust + Respect = Vulnerability

In Friends, Partners & Lovers I summarize the relational equation this way:

• Friendship is built on trust.

• Partnership is built on respect.

• Intimacy (the whole-life kind, not just sex) is built on vulnerability.

Vulnerability is what growth requires. Trying a new conversation pattern? That’s exposure. Naming what you actually want? Exposure. Confessing you’re overwhelmed? Exposure. We will not risk vulnerability unless trust and respect are present. Therefore, the most “practical” thing you can do for your communication problem might be rebuilding trust and re-practicing respect. Communication will often follow.

Fixed vs. Growth: the mindset that shapes your marriage

Carol Dweck’s research isn’t about marriage, but it reads like it is.

• Fixed mindset: “This is just who I am. This is just who you are.” Challenges are threats, feedback feels like attack, and effort looks pointless. Couples in a fixed mindset either keep repeating the same fight or stop fighting and drift.

• Growth mindset: “We can learn.” Challenges are invitations, feedback becomes data, and effort is the pathway to change. Couples in a growth mindset don’t minimize pain; they believe it can be redeemed through practice.

If you only change one thing this month, change the sentence in your head from “That’s just how it is” to “What can we learn?” Then prove you mean it by trying one new behavior for two weeks.

When one spouse wants growth and the other doesn’t

It happens. The worst strategies are nagging and quitting. The better path is modeling. Keep growing yourself. Invite, don’t force. And be honest about history. Sometimes the “reluctant” spouse has heard big promises before and learned not to trust them. Don’t sell overnight change; build a track record. If you’ve prayed for years that your spouse would grow and now you see sprouts, don’t stomp them because they’re not a tree yet.

Also consider barriers beyond stubbornness: church wounds, prior betrayals, anxiety, depression, or simply busyness that robs the margin growth requires. Empathy isn’t an excuse; it’s an explanation that helps you choose the right next step.

Personality and the “opposite exaggeration” exercise

Your wiring shapes your growth edge. If you’re the peacemaker who hints and hopes, your homework is clarity. If you’re the truth-teller who fires first and aims later, your homework is gentleness. Because our defaults are strong, the way to land in the middle is to practice the opposite a little “too far” in safe moments. Over-practice clarity if you tend to be vague; over-practice restraint if you tend to be blunt. You won’t live at the extreme; you’ll settle closer to wise.

Life stages and the skills they demand

• Newlyweds: Shift from me/you to us. Build rituals that signal “we’re a team.”

• Young kids: Partnership logistics matter. Calendars, trade-offs, bedtimes, budgets. You’ll feel the stretch; systems are love.

• Teens: Protect “we” while coaching emerging adults. Stay aligned when values are tested at full volume.

• Empty nest: Rediscover friendship and fun. Curiosity is not optional here.

• Grandkids/retirement: Think legacy—what we hand down and how we serve together.

Growth is seasonal. The skill you needed last decade may not be the one you need today. Keep asking, “What does this season require of us?”

Prehab vs. Rehab

I love this frame because it’s honest about inevitables. Muscles tear. Mistakes happen. Rehab is real—and sometimes necessary. But prehab is wisdom. Learn the rehab exercises before the injury: how to regulate your emotions under stress, how to say the whole truth kindly, how to ask for repair, how to share money power, how to keep a shared Sabbath. Couples in a healthy season learn faster. Why wait to crash?

A simple three-step map

1. Name the goal. Not “be richer” but “buy back time.” Not “fight less” but “feel safe when we disagree.”

2. Name reality. Where are we really: financially, emotionally, spiritually? What’s true today?

3. Name the next small step. Schedule it. Do it. Review it. Repeat.

Examples:

• Spiritual connection: Three nights a week, five minutes of shared prayer. (Awkward counts.)

• Communication: A 24-hour “no mind-reading” pact. If it matters, say it plainly once.

• Trust repair: Time plus consistent action. The offender initiates; the other observes. Weekly check-ins, no defensiveness, specific progress.

The quiet evidence of growth

In the episode, Blaine and Adrienne shared a simple story: early in marriage, the idea of moving houses was panic fuel. Years later, after practice, systems, and shared risk, they could say, “We’ll figure it out together.” That sentence is the smell of a healthy first floor and a well-used staircase. That sentence is a marriage that believes tomorrow’s challenge can be learned.

You may not notice growth in the moment. But look back ten years. Are you less reactive? Do you recover faster? Do you tell the truth sooner? Are you quicker to ask for what you need and slower to assume the worst? That’s fruit. Celebrate it. Then ask what the next season requires.

Your move

• Pick one small habit and put it on this week’s calendar.

• Send this article to your spouse with one line: “Want to practice this together for two weeks?”

• Choose prehab: a class, a small group, or a short coaching run. Go while you’re strong.

If you want the full conversation—fixed vs. growth mindset, window of tolerance, personality “exaggeration,” and the prehab plan—we unpack it all on the Change the Odds Podcast.

Listen to the episode here, and invite another couple to listen with you. Growth is courageous and contagious.

The post The Two-Story Marriage: Attachment then Skills appeared first on Kevin A. Thompson.

Julie Mennano, in her book Secure Love, captures this truth in one sentence: “When people feel dismissed, they double down. When they feel seen, they soften.”

That’s it. That’s the principle that explains why small moments escalate into big arguments—or why they can instead create safety, trust, and connection.

The Human Need to Be Seen

From birth, every human being is wired with the need to be seen. Psychiatrist Curt Thompson often says, “We all come into the world looking for someone who is looking for us.” When a baby cries, they’re not just demanding food or comfort; they’re longing to know, Am I seen? Do I matter?

That longing never disappears. Adults carry it into marriage, parenting, and every friendship we hold. To be seen is to be validated—not necessarily agreed with, but acknowledged. To be unseen is to be dismissed, and when that happens, something inside us begins to fight for recognition.

Why Dismissal Makes Us Double Down

Think about the last time you were upset and someone told you, “Relax. It’s not a big deal.” Did you calm down? Probably not. If anything, you became more frustrated. You raised your voice. You repeated your argument. You insisted they didn’t understand.

That’s doubling down.

Dismissal communicates that our emotions are inconvenient, unnecessary, or invalid. It teaches us that in order to be recognized, we must get louder, bigger, or more intense. And so, in marriage, a spouse who feels dismissed often escalates—not because they want conflict, but because they want connection.

Ironically, what the dismissive partner often desires (“calm down”) is sabotaged by the very response they chose. Instead of peace, their words fuel more chaos.

Why Being Seen Softens Us

Contrast that with the experience of being seen. Imagine you share something vulnerable and your spouse responds with:

• “I can see why you’d feel that way.”

• “That sounds really hard.”

• “I hear what you’re saying.”

Even if they don’t agree with your perspective, the validation communicates: Your feelings are real. You matter to me.

And what happens? You soften. The need to escalate evaporates. Emotional intensity lowers. Connection increases.

It’s not magic—it’s biology. Neuroscience tells us that when we feel seen, our nervous system regulates. Fight-or-flight calms down. Safety is restored. And safe people are more open, curious, and compassionate.

Attend and Attune

So how do we make sure our spouse feels seen? It comes down to two practices: attend and attune.

• Attend means showing up with your presence. Not distracted, not halfway listening, but fully available. Put the phone down. Turn off the TV. Look them in the eyes. Being physically and emotionally present is the first step toward helping your spouse feel seen.

• Attune means tuning in to what’s happening beneath the words. It’s empathy in action. Like tuning an instrument, attunement requires sensitivity. It means noticing tone, body language, and mood. It means meeting your spouse in their joy, grief, frustration, or hope—not trying to drag them out of it.

John Gottman defines attunement with the acronym ATTUNE: Awareness, Turning toward, Tolerance, Understanding, Non-defensiveness, and Empathy. Put into practice, attunement is simply saying, “I’m with you in this. I want to understand.”

Practical Ways to Help Your Spouse Feel Seen

1. Reflect back what you hear. Instead of jumping to advice, try: “What I’m hearing you say is…” This shows you’re listening.

2. Validate feelings before solving problems. Even if you think the issue is small, acknowledge the emotion: “That sounds frustrating.” Solutions can wait.

3. Match emotional energy. If your spouse is excited, celebrate with them. If they’re grieving, sit in the sorrow with them. Connection happens when emotional rhythms align.

4. Create daily rhythms of connection. Walks after dinner, 15 minutes of conversation before bed, even sending a meme during the day—these small practices build a culture of being seen.

5. Resist defensiveness. Sometimes your spouse’s feelings will feel unfair. Don’t argue with their emotions. Remember: validation doesn’t mean agreement; it means acknowledgment.

The Bigger Picture

The principle doesn’t stop with marriage. Parents, your kids desperately need to be seen. If you dismiss their tears or fears, they will double down—louder tantrums, more stubbornness. But if you kneel, look them in the eye, and validate, they soften.

At work, employees long for the same thing. When a co-worker’s concern is dismissed, frustration grows. When it’s acknowledged, collaboration deepens.

This is not just a marriage principle. It’s a human principle.

A Better Way Forward

The truth is simple: dismissal fuels disconnection. Validation builds intimacy. When people feel dismissed, they double down. When they feel seen, they soften.

Imagine if your marriage became a place where you both felt consistently seen. Arguments would still happen, but they’d be shorter, less intense, and far more productive. Tension would still exist, but it would be met with empathy rather than defensiveness.

The difference between being dismissed and being seen is the difference between walls and bridges. One pushes us apart. The other draws us together.

So today, practice attending and attuning. Look for the bids for connection. Put your phone down. Validate your spouse’s feelings. Tune in to their inner world.

You may be surprised just how quickly a hardened heart can soften when it finally feels seen.

The post You Dismiss and They Double Down: Here’s Why appeared first on Kevin A. Thompson.

Nine and seven years old, they woke early, cut paper hearts, arranged them on the stairs, wrote notes, and even prepared a heart-shaped breakfast of grapes, cherries, and Canadian KitKats. The thoughtfulness wasn’t just sweet—it was a reflection of something deeper: a home where friendship between husband and wife is alive.

Friendship is often underrated in marriage. Ask someone what they want in a spouse and you’ll hear words like “kind,” “attractive,” “hard-working,” “funny.” But if you press further, most people are really describing a friend. Someone who knows them, enjoys them, and chooses them.

Why Friendship Matters More Than You Think

Romance can be exciting. Partnership can be productive. But friendship is what makes marriage sustainable. It’s what allows you to sit on the couch after a long day, say nothing, and still feel deeply connected. It’s what gives you the inside jokes that make no sense to anyone else. It’s what makes anniversaries worth celebrating—not just as a date on the calendar, but as a reminder of someone you genuinely enjoy doing life with.

When friendship erodes, marriage becomes a business arrangement. You divide tasks, coordinate schedules, and discuss bills. You may still sleep under the same roof, but without shared laughter, curiosity, and delight, the relationship becomes transactional.

Why Friendship Often Fades

Most couples begin with friendship. In the early dating stage, you spend hours talking, asking questions, and discovering each other’s quirks. But over time, life crowds it out.

Kids come. Careers demand more. Social media steals your attention. You communicate about logistics instead of dreams. One day you realize you know your spouse’s calendar better than their current hopes.

For many couples, friendship is the first thing to fade. The absence isn’t obvious at first. But eventually, intimacy suffers.

Then you notice you’re not laughing together. That’s when you realize something’s missing.

Signs Your Friendship Needs Attention

• You can’t remember the last time you went out just for fun.
• Most conversations revolve around to-do lists.
• You spend more intentional time with other friends than with your spouse.
• You avoid certain topics because you’re afraid they’ll start a fight.

How to Rebuild Friendship

• Date Like You’re Still Dating – Ask open-ended questions. Be curious. Keep discovering.
• Share Experiences – Try something new together: cooking class, road trip, hiking trail. Shared novelty deepens connection.
• Create Daily Rituals – Ten minutes over coffee. A walk after dinner. No-screen time before bed.
• Laugh Again – Watch a funny movie. Tell stories from your early days. Humor heals distance.
• Slow Down in Dating – If you’re not married yet, let friendship take root before rushing into romance.

Lessons from Blaine & Adrienne

Their long-distance dating—before FaceTime—meant fewer daily check-ins and more intentional conversations. Their early years of marriage were tough, but shared challenges became shared victories. They moved multiple times, learned each other’s rhythms, and made adjustments when expectations collided.

Today, they’re still friends. That’s not accidental. It’s the result of choosing to enjoy each other, even when life is hard.

The Takeaway

If you’re dating, marry a friend. If you’re married, stay married to your friend. And if you’ve drifted, rebuild the friendship.
Romance will have its highs and lows. Partnership will have its tensions. But friendship can remain a steady thread, weaving the two of you together over decades.

Challenge: Sometime this week, set aside time to be friends again. No chores, no serious talks—just enjoy each other’s company.

The post Why Friendship Is the Foundation of a Lasting Marriage appeared first on Kevin A. Thompson.

The Strength of Goober the Clown

It wouldn’t surprise me if Goober the Clown joins the ranks of one of the most memorable sketches in SNL history. While it lacked the hilarity of “More Cowbell” or “Living in a van down by the river,” it was a brilliant approach at a very difficult topic. By joining the innocence of a clown with the most hotly debated political topic of the last fifty years, Strong was able to communicate her angst over the topic.

She made her point well. But it is her point that I disagree with.

Yet before discussing that, let me notate something she got right. When Strong laments many women having to keep this secret and encourages a society in which they can find community in their story, I totally agree. Secrets make us sick and everyone needs a community of love and support in which they can freely tell their story.

The difference is that Strong believes the abortion story should be told with pride, but I think it should be told with sorrow.

The Sorrow of Goober the Clown

In the sketch, Cecily Strong made two major arguments for abortion: 1. Since abortions are so common, they must be right. 2. Since she is successful, her decision must have been right.

Obviously the frequency of something doesn’t make it right. Basically Strong argued, “we can’t all be wrong” since she claims 1 in 3 women have had abortions. But obviously, we can all be wrong. No one is arguing since sexual harassment in the workplace was so common in Hollywood that it was right or that the #MeToo movement is wrong since it happened so much.

But it was her second point that reveals the true issue at hand. “I wouldn’t be on TV if it weren’t for the abortion I had when I was 23,” Strong proclaimed. Her argument–if it wasn’t for abortion, she wouldn’t be rich, famous, and successful.

In our society, who can argue against that? In a culture that values fame, riches, and autonomy more than any other value, Strong’s argument makes perfect sense.

Yet with some different values, Strong’s case makes very little sense.

What Do We Value

When we value life, Goober the Clown makes us want to weep. We hurt not only for the women suffering in silence, but also for a culture that sees a child as a burden, motherhood as a loss compared to a career, and personal autonomy as a better path to success than an interdependent relationship between a woman, man, and child.

Whether or not Strong meant to, she basically said, “I have money, fame, and power, obviously my life is better than what it would have been.” But is that true? While many envy fame, being famous has in no way proven to be something to be envied. Fame and riches seem more correlated with unhappiness than joy. It’s why I regularly remind people they don’t want to win the lottery. Society might value fame, power, and money, but none of those things lead to a life people desire. Instead, they are often correlated with more fear, unhappiness, and sorrow.

So what does lead to a life we all desire? The answer is love. Not the syrupy I do whatever feels good thing we often describe as love, but genuine care about others more than self, a willingness to submit my desire to something bigger than me, and a trust in God (and others) that empowers me to travel a road which otherwise I never would have traveled on my own. For Strong that might have included motherhood at 23. For me and Jenny, it has been the joy of parenting a child with special needs.

While clowning around about abortion was a powerful satirical approach on Saturday night, to me it is a sorrow-filled mirror into our sin-filled world. It shows how much we value ourselves over all other things, even the most vulnerable among us. Strong’s argument was the most American argument one could make. And that shows the problem with America. We value power, fame, and money over all things. And those values are killing us. (See Fearless Families where I argue those values are a result of fear.)

Us, Not Them

A problem with many abortion-related discussions is we immediately pick sides and begin to demonize those that disagree with us. Cecily Strong is not my opponent. I oppose her view on this one issue, but I’m not against her. I’m for her and others. But I do think she is wrong on this topic.

I don’t know what her life would look like if she made different choices at 23, but I do know that motherhood is not a second-rate life. I also know that just because she has power, fame, and money doesn’t mean she is living a life any of us should envy. Part of me wonders if the line “I wouldn’t be here if not for the abortion I had” might actually be a statement of her own regret.

Either way, we need to do better.

Those who are pro-life need to create a more loving, accepting space for those who have had abortions. We must stop using the issue to score political points and start valuing the lives of those who have had abortions as much as the baby’s they have aborted. We must make sure we are pro-life in every area of our lives, not just on the issue of abortion.

Those who are pro-choice need to consider where the pro-choice movement is going. It’s moved well beyond abortion being a regrettable outcome in a few cases, to becoming something that some now argue is the “righteous” choice as we elevate self above all things. That’s a dangerous road.

In the end, abortion is something that should break our hearts and not be something we clown around about.

An Extra Note

One thing of which SNL’s skit reminds me, is how true an opening statement in a recent sermon was. While preaching about a Biblical view of sex, I said, “If all sexual activity was saved for a consensual act between a man and a woman in the confines of a commitment, imagine how many problems in the world would immediately disappear?” It’s true. And abortion would be one of those things. For the rest of the sermon, watch here:

The post Don’t Clown Around About Abortion appeared first on Kevin A. Thompson.

In writing and speaking, no one ever questions the value of trust. I’ve never received a single question implying that trust lacks importance. Instead, one of the most common questions I receive is “how can we build trust in marriage” or, more often, “how can we rebuild trust in marriage?”

Trust Is Built

The first realization regarding trust must be an understanding that trust is never given; it is always earned. Imagine how foolish it would be to walk up to someone in Wal-Mart and say, “I’m going to trust you forever.” Obviously we would never do that. Trust is a quality which a person earns over time. While we can assume the best in someone and give them an initial amount of opportunity, what they do with that chance determines if we trust them more or less going forward.

In dating, a couple is figuring out if the other person is trustworthy or not. Their connection should evolve at the same rate as trust is experienced. Many relationships are destroyed because a couple tries to move faster than trust can develop. Trust bakes slowly. It takes time. To rush the process is foolish.

Because trust is built, we must realize that every action either builds or breaks trust. There is no neutral action when it comes to trust. Either what I do gives Jenny more confidence in me or less. This provides a good framework by which decisions can be made. If left with a few options, I can ask “will one of these options hurt Jenny’s belief in me?” If so, it is likely the wrong option.

It Can Be Broken

Knowing trust is built brings with it the reality that trust can be broken. It’s fragile. No matter how long it has been developing, we are not ensured it will be present tomorrow. We must continually be cultivating trust while also being aware that at any moment a single act of foolishness can undo any good work we have done. (See: Why Others Don’t Trust You)

Trust is primarily broken in one of two ways:

Explosion. One dramatic failure can destroy trust that took decades to build. As a pastor, I’ve experienced many explosions in the lives of others–an affair, financial deceit, a foolish choice, addiction, etc. While explosions are horrific, they do have one silver-lining…they are undeniable. When an explosion happens, a couple immediately knows trust is broken which provides the opportunity for them to recognize it and get to work on rebuilding it.

Erosion. A more subtle way to destroy trust is via erosion. Rather than one dramatic action, trust can be destroyed by the slow drip of inconsistency. Failing to do what you say, apathy, selfishness, dishonor, an unwillingness to protect the heart of the other, or a general failure to love can slowly erode trust. The difficulty of erosion is that it often happens without awareness. We don’t realize trust has been lost until we wake up one day and notice we don’t fully believe our spouse is for us.

Knowing that trust can be broken should motivate diligence. We should continually pursue trustworthiness as we seek to love one another well.

It Can Be Rebuilt

While the breaking of trust is tragic, the hope is found in the truth that trust can be rebuilt. The loss of trust does not ensure the failure of the relationship. An inability to rebuild trust does guarantee the marriage will forever be dysfunctional. Yet when a couple does the work, they can rebuild trust.

How?

Here are a few steps to rebuilding trust:

Acknowledge it has been broken. Trust begins with truth. Until we recognize that trust has been broken, it cannot be rebuilt. Acknowledgment requires ownership. If one party has broken the trust, they must take responsibility for their actions. If both parties are responsible, then both spouses must recognize their role. But no matter who is at fault, rebuilding trust is a two-person process. Both husband and wife must play an active part in rebuilding trust.

Define the goal. While acknowledging when trust is broken, a couple should then state that they desire to rebuild what has been lost. This must be a goal to which both are committed. By stating the goal, both parties are more likely to prioritize the process. If a husband or wife is not willing to say they desire to build (rebuild) trust, that is a major red flag within the relationship.

Small actions over time. If trust were an equation it would be consistency + time = trust. Trust can’t be built in dramatic ways. It is primarily developed brick by brick, action by action. As I consistently show Jenny that I have her best interest at heart and prove that through a million small actions, trust is built. It never happens as quickly as we desire. Time is a necessary ingredient. Yet as we consistently tell the truth, do what we say, and put our spouse’s needs above our own, trust is built.

Don’t overlook failure. Building trust doesn’t mean perfection. Instead, trust is most often built in how we handle our mistakes. When we recognize our wrong actions, admit them, seek forgiveness, and learn from our mistakes, we are showing our spouse emotional growth which builds trust.

There is no way to overestimate the importance of trust in a relationship. It is so vital that a couple should prioritize building trust as their top priority. In the end, trust is simple. When trust is present, I can confidently say my spouse loves me and is for me. This becomes the lens through which everything is experienced. When two people are confident the other loves them and is for them, there is no limit on what they can accomplish.

The post How to Build Trust in Marriage appeared first on Kevin A. Thompson.

90 days ago I did a Zoom interview with Andrew and Curt. It was my second conversation with Bayside, but it was the moment my mind suddenly realized my life could be drastically changing in a very short period of time. Three months later, I’m living in California.

Let me ask the question my mother is probably still asking…why?

For the past 19 years, I’ve been a Teaching Pastor and (for the past 13 years) Lead Pastor of Community Bible Church in my hometown of Fort Smith, AR. I lived across the driveway from my mom. It was an amazing two decades of not only watching a church grow from 300 to near 1700 (pre-covid), but also having children and watching them grow up with their grandparents, aunts/uncles, and cousins.

Why would anyone leave their hometown, a healthy church, and a loving family?

The reason is simple…your marriage is worth it.

Eight years ago, I began the discipline of writing on a routine basis. This blog was the accountability partner I needed in order to accomplish a long dream of mine…to be a writer. Having spent the greater part of a decade simply speaking, I started the blog in order to ensure that I would write on a regular basis. (Want to connect more? Find me here: Twitter, Facebook, Instagram)

A few weeks into the process, I had nothing to write about so I wrote what I thought was the most basic/elementary piece of marriage advice ever written. I assumed everyone knew the idea I was presenting. To my surprise, the article wasn’t ignored. Instead, it was widely read. That began the habit of writing every Wednesday on the topic of marriage. Over time, a few of those posts were picked up by other outlets and garnered millions of views. This led to an agent, a book deal, and conferences. But more importantly, it has led to restored relationships, healthy marriages, and many children being raised by their mom and dad rather than splitting time between the two.

This is an outcome worth my total focus. When Bayside presented me with the opportunity to narrow my focus onto creating content that would strengthen marriages and families, I was intrigued. When looking at the state of our church, the season of our family, and the opportunity presented, it seemed like a perfect fit. So three weeks ago, the dog and me (and my golf clubs) got in a car and began to drive westward in order to meet my wife and children (who flew) in California.

To me, your marriage is worth it. Worth the change, stress, and grief that comes with a move. It’s worth the time, effort, and energy of creating content and climates in which your relationship will be strengthened. It’s worth all the upheaval because of what God can do when two people intentionally focus on loving each other.

If your marriage is worth it for me, I hope it’s worth it for you. Imagine if three years from now your marriage is in the healthiest spot it has ever been, you have surrounded yourself with a loving community of people who care for you, and you have positively influenced your friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors strengthening their relationships as well. That’s what can happen if we take the teachings of Jesus and apply them at home. That is the task before us.

About Our Family

While I hope to meet each of you, I also hope you have the opportunity to meet our family. Each has a unique contribution to make to Bayside.

Jenny and I met in college. (We actually met before that but she ignored me.) We’ve been married for 21 years. She is originally from Oklahoma and prefers to stay behind the scenes if possible, hosting, organizing, and serving. She is the owner of Forte Media Partners, a full service advertising and marketing company. While her plate is continually full, she always thinks she has time to accomplish one more thing.

Ella is 16. For ten years she has talked about her sweet 16 birthday party and we were able to have that party the day before news broke we were moving to California. Her two favorite things are people and snacks. She has her own cooking channel on YouTube and will happily accompany you to any fine restaurant you desire. You will want to befriend her in hopes that she will make you some cookies.

Silas is 13. He’s funny, smart, and always looking for a way to one-up me. While both Jenny and I are introverted, Silas is even a bit more shy when you first meet him, but he’s a loyal friend once those bonds are made. He has a variety of tastes and since we have moved to California desires to go to the beach or Tahoe every weekend.

So Now What

Following our marriage conference on September 10-11, Pastors Curt and Andrew will join me for four Wednesday nights as we teach through Fearless Families. This study is for every person, married or single. It especially applies to parents in every stage. Join us in the room or, if you live outside the region, we can connect with the online study.

It’s an honor to join the family at Bayside. I look forward to seeing all that God does through our efforts.

Blessings,

Kevin

The post Hey Bayside appeared first on Kevin A. Thompson.

Yet we chose to come home and came with the plan of staying for the rest of our ministry. I’ve long said, “It would take a very unique opportunity to get us to leave.”

But such an opportunity has arisen.

This week, I notified our elder board that I will resign as Lead Pastor of Community Bible Church effective August 1. (See my letter to the church HERE)

While professionally prudent, personally this is a very difficult decision. Not only is Fort Smith home with friends, family, and memories. Community Bible has been our family for nineteen years. We have had a fascinating two decades of growth and spiritual impact as we have lived life together. But the timing is right both for us and the church to experience a change.

Why Now?

While the opportunity that has been presented is unique (more on that below), there are other factors at play regarding the timing of this move. Before I tell you what those are, let me say what they are NOT. I have not been asked to leave. I’m not secretly mad. There is not an unspoken situation or circumstance that is causing the change. As I told the place where I’m going, “I could stay forever at Community and be completely happy.”

However, there are some circumstances that made me more receptive to this opportunity compared to those in the past.

1. Personally, I’m excited about a new challenge. While I do not feel as though I have grown complacent, being at the same job for nineteen years does breed some familiarity. I like the idea of trying something new, learning from different people, and seeing how other people do ministry.

2. While there are many strengths to being in Fort Smith, there are a few benefits to being in a larger population specifically one that would have more resources for young adults with special needs. This has been a reality Jenny and I have considered for the last two years.

3. The church could use a change. I love Community Bible. I believe it is well situated to have a tremendous impact on this region for the years to come. However, I think it needs a change. As long as I am there, it will be tough to make significant changes. Yet a new leader can do so quickly and easily. Community doesn’t need a different message, but to have a new voice preach the same Truth I have proclaimed can be effective. I believe this is the best move for the church.

So why now? Because this is the first attractive opportunity that has presented itself at a time where I felt it was right both for my family and the church.

Where Are You Going?

That’s where we have been. Here is where we are going.

Beginning in late August/early September, I will become the Married Life Pastor at Bayside Church in California (for a quick summary on the church click HERE). This position is being created with the hopes of building the largest church-based marriage ministry in the country. Our hope is not just to impact every marriage at Bayside, but to have a meaningful impact on how other churches across the country approach marriage ministry. In this role, I will speak, write, host conferences, hold retreats, publish books, and meet with couples.

While personally there was a pause when the job was offered because of having to move so far away, professionally it’s a great opportunity to focus more on the area in which I seem to have the greatest impact.

Risk and Fearless Families

Whenever I published my first book, someone suggested that I was writing in hopes of getting out of Fort Smith. I laughed. I have many questionable motivations, but writing was never a secret plan to find another job. Yet my last book is clearly linked to this move. It’s not that Fearless Families sold so well that people were beating down my door. Instead, the message of the book so impacted my life that it is enabling this move. Without having lived the message of the book, I likely would not have had the courage to pull the trigger on this move.

As someone who likes to have everything planned, have thought through all the issues, and hopefully have all the answers, every now and then I need to intentionally do something riskier than my nature is comfortable with. If we say we are going to celebrate courage then we better being taking courageous action on occasion. This move is correlated to the ideas in the book. It’s a move that forces my dependence upon God.

What About Community

While most people who read this website are not connected with Community Bible, many are. Thankfully, the membership of CB is in good hands. Our Board is acting quickly to identify a search team to find the next lead pastor. Beginning August 2, Richy Fisher will become the Interim Pastor. Under his leadership and the leadership of the staff, the ministry will continue without pause. The future of Community Bible is bright and I look forward to cheering her on (and also returning once a year to preach).

Jenny and I will forever be grateful for our time at home in Fort Smith. We are grateful for what God has done and head into this next venture with great anticipation of what God will do.

The post A Significant Family Announcement appeared first on Kevin A. Thompson.

Directors, Trustees, and Members of Community Bible:

For the past nineteen years it has been my honor to serve as one of your pastors. Over these two decades God has been overwhelmingly good to us as we have sought to know and serve Him. He has allowed us a front seat as he has transformed hundreds of lives in the River Valley and beyond. Who would’ve guessed on that first Sunday that the few hundred of us gathered in the Mall would go on to see all that the Lord has done?

We have found life in Jesus. We have grown through preaching, music, small groups, and friendship. He has shown his faithfulness in every circumstance and we have been recipients of His grace more times than we can count.

We have loved our neighbors. Through tragedies, successes, grief, floods, and heartbreaks we have shared with others what God has given to us. We have clothed, fed, loved, and supported our communities sometimes with our name out-front and many times in ways that no one will ever know.

We have helped others do the same. We have been the ones God chose to use to transform, baptize, disciple, and encourage others as they have come to serve God. Many of those people continue to worship alongside of us while many others have spread across the country and globe to make Jesus known in different locations.

Through it all God has been faithful, and you have been generous, kind, and supportive of me, Jenny, Ella and Silas.

From day one, we returned to Fort Smith with the idea that we would stay here for the entirety of our ministry. I often said, “it would take a rare opportunity for me to ever leave.” But now, we believe that opportunity has been presented.

Beginning September 1, I will become the Married Life Pastor at Bayside Church in the greater Sacramento, CA area. This new position is being created with the hopes of transforming marriages not just at Bayside, but across the country.  We hope to build a local ministry with a national impact.

Obviously, this move requires me to resign as the Lead Pastor at Community Bible. I look forward to preaching at the Fort Smith Campus on July 11, 25, and then my last day on August 1. Unfortunately, because of other commitments, I will not be able to visit Van Buren, Greenwood, or North Fort Smith on one of my remaining Sundays.

It has been an honor to spend the last nineteen years with you and a particular privilege to be your Lead Pastor for the last thirteen years. I believe the next leader can build on the work we have done and ensure that the most meaningful days of ministry for Community Bible are still in the future.

God Bless,

Kevin

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To outsiders, it was a sideshow, but to baseball insiders, they quickly saw the possibility of a career for Jordan. In his first few weeks in minor league baseball, he showed potential. But then a weakness was exposed–Michael couldn’t hit a curveball. Once teams identified his weakness, all Michael got at the plate were curveballs. His batting average slumped and within a year he was back to basketball, winning three more championships.

Some see Michael Jordan’s pursuit of baseball as a joke. Others believe that with enough reps he would have made the major leagues. But one thing is certain: until he learned to hit a curveball, his career was stuck.

A Prerequisite for a Happy Life

Life is a lot like baseball. Just like you can’t get into the major leagues without being able to hit a curveball, you can’t have a happy life until you develop the ability to hit a curveball. (See: You Won’t Change Until…)

Curveballs are a guarantee of life. Everyone faces unexpected turns in life which they neither desire nor control–a bad diagnosis, job layoff, being passed over for a promotion, sudden death of a loved one, an unforeseen end to a relationship. There is no end to the list of things that can happen in our lives that will disappoint us, cause us to question what is next, and require us to make a new game plan for life.

Yet unless you and I can navigate the unexpected, we have very little chance of having a happy, meaningful life.

A Common Problem

As a pastor, one pattern I see is that many people can navigate life as long as it is going according to their plan. When the job is easily attained, the spouse is found, the right number of kids come along, and everything generally goes as they expect, happiness, faithfulness, and contentment generally follow. Yet the moment something unexpected happens, disillusionment is born. Doubts of faith arise. Questions about fairness dominate. Relationships begin to suffer. And life satisfaction tanks.

Obviously the hardships of life cause difficulty. No one should expect to breeze through grief, sorrow, and suffering without some struggle. However, some people have the ability to navigate the unexpected in life while others never learn how. It’s the former, not the latter, who experience a happier and more meaningful life.

Simply put: in life, we have to learn to hit the curveball.

How To Navigate the Unexpected

I’m the last person you want to teach you to hit a curveball in baseball. The curveball is the reason I quickly stopped playing and went into coaching as a kid. Yet when it comes to hitting the curveballs in life, I have a higher success rate.

Here are four skills you need to hit the curveballs of life:

1. Identification. A pitcher has different pitches. To hit a curveball, a batter has to first distinguish the pitch from the other pitches. He does so by seeing the spin of the seams. In the same way, we have to identify when something has gone a way we didn’t hope or expect. This calls us out of denial and into action. Be willing to admit heartache, grief, or loss is the first step to dealing with it. (For more, see my book Fearless Families. Far too often, fear tempts us to ignore our hurts, but in so doing, those hurts just do more damage.)

2. Acceptance. Imagine seeing a curveball but still trying to pretend like it’s a fastball. That would never work. We must accept that life will not always go as we wish. When it does, we can deny it, fight against it, or do something about it. Only the latter is a real option. Too often, we get so stuck trying to undo the circumstance that has happened that we fail to start responding to what has actually taken place. Once the unexpected happens, admit it, accept it, and start dealing with it.

3. Patience. One thing about a curveball–it comes a bit slower than a fastball and a batter must wait until it begins to break in order to hit it. This requires patience. We often struggle to deal with the changes of life because of impatience. We attempt to hurry through grief, rush through the time between relationships, and speed up in order to get to the good parts of life. Yet impatience never works. We can’t rush our way to wisdom, love, or beauty. Whenever we hurry, we end up complicating things.

4. Consistency. After a batter identifies, accepts, and shows patience, he still has to hit the ball. This requires all the same form and technique he’s spent years developing in order to hit a baseball. So it is with life. We still have to do the things we know we need to do in order to navigate the unexpected. Sadly, people often abandon what they know when life throws them a curveball. They know they need spiritual disciples to maintain a vibrant life, but something happens and they stop going to church or praying or meeting with others. We know our relationships require time for nourishment, yet couples get out of the habit of a date night or regular conversation. In the tough times of life, I often encourage people to “consistently do what you know to be right.” I know that if they do those things, the actions will pay off in the end.

Can You Hit a Curve Ball?

How good are you at hitting a curveball? This is one skill that we should continually be improving on because life is certain to consistently throw them to us. It’s also a skill that we want to pass onto our kids at an early age. They need to recognize that life will often not go as we expect. When the unexpected comes our way, it’s our chance to trust God, learn some new skills, and create a life that is different than we expected but no less meaningful or satisfying.

If you look at your life and realize you struggle with this skill, get some help. Call a counselor and learn a few skills that might better assist you in navigating the uncertainties of life. (See: Change Your Marriage Today)

Unless you have the ability to fall back on your Hall of Fame basketball career, you better learn how to hit a curveball.

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