Before my band Nekrogoblikon embarks on a 33-city, headlining tour across the great American north, I thought it would be helpful to peel back the curtain and shed green light on the preparation that goes into being the lead singer of the premier goblin-metal band and this is how: A GOB PREPARES.

So, these are my TOUR TIPS, my TT’s. Metal dudes love TT’s. 

1. Pack only the essentials.

Most everybody else in my band has a small designated drawer or space under the bandwagon to store their personal items for the 6-week excursion. Me? The lead singer and most important part of the band? I get special treatment, of course; there is something called a JUNK-BUNK that veteran musicians like myself are super familiar with, where there is an extra bunk not being used on a tour bus, and everybody tosses their crap into it haphazardly. Now, my band uses a tiny storage unit towed behind the bandwagon to hold all the music equipment, and we’ve dubbed it our JUNK-TRUNK. “John, is that where you get to store your things?” No. No. That is where I get to store ME. Yes. That is where I sleep. A snare drum as a pillow, a guitar case as a blanket, and my mic stand to spoon me, keeping me warm and safe at night. Which is why I pack, say it with me: ONLY THE ESSENTIALS. Which is me, myself, and one shirt and tie that I wear for every single show. Like a cartoon character. I never remove them. Ever. Nor wash them. Each night, the smells and liquids from the previous town I take with me like souvenirs and trophies to remind myself where I have been and where I am headed next. 

2. Prepare your mind and body for The Road.

Everybody has this perception of what being a rockstar is. It’s traveling the world, seeing all the sites, meeting new people, eating exotic food, etc. NAY. The harsh reality is, arriving at a venue, watching your bandmates unload all their equipment while you nap, doing a soundcheck you slept through, eating the scraps of your drummer’s Subway sandwich for dinner, taking another nap during all the opening acts, being woken up by your frantic tour manager screaming at you that your band has already started playing and you’re needed on stage to “do your job!”

Then, AFTER the show it’s another nap, while all your bandmates unload the equipment back into the Junk-Truck aka your bedroom, and next thing you know you wake up in the middle of the night after the driver hath struck your 127th pothole to you realize you’re driving through yet another empty field in the never-ending darkness only to arrive to a new venue that looks vaguely similar to the last twenty–all just to do it all over again, meanwhile the only faces you’ve seen are your bandmates same sweaty, unwashed grimaces that never make eye-contact. Sure, in the midst of all this chaos, there IS an amazing show you get to perform at each night, that you absolutely crush, by the way, but that’s no easy task either, shaking your hump all night, melting faces, and hitting notes higher than Snoop Dogg! It takes a mental and physical toll. 

3. Remember You’re Doing GOB’s Work

Sometimes I find it hard to muster the strength to embark on such a strenuous journey, but then I think of one thing: YOU. Yes, you. The exact person reading this article. You (fill in your name here) help put everything into perspective. You might be reading all the above and be thinking to yourself, “How can one endure all of this? I wouldn’t wish it upon anybody.” Well, I would wish it upon one person, ME… and my bandmates because currently, I am not a solo act.

Sure, touring is grueling at times, but it’s also the freakin best; I’ve never felt more rested, and if it stops, I have to go back to selling life insurance for BRAD! Not to mention, we are out there not only melting faces, but we are converting the masses. Turning any human (or troll) into a GOBLIN. Reuniting goblins of old and new, bringing goblin families together in one sacred place to circle each other and eventually crash into one another in the mosh pit of their choosing. It’s a beautiful thing, a Gob damn beautiful thing. So if touring is a bit of a grind, I guess that’s just my cross to bear… though I can’t actually bear a cross this tour, no f*cking way, a giant ass wooden cross is going to fit in this trailer/my bedroom?!? Psh! Oh, and if anybody is reading this, PLEASE LET ME OUT OF HERE. IT IS VERY HOT, AND I ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKED OVER MY WATER WHEN I WAS TRYING TO CUDDLE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND, AKA THIS GUITAR AMP! 

To see all this hard work and preparation come to fruition, please go HERE to see where you can catch my band this month! 

The post MONDAYSUCKS with JOHN GOBLIKON: A Goblin’s 3 Crucial Tips For Embarking on a Nationwide Tour appeared first on MetalSucks.

Another Wednesday, another week that I, Smokey Goretooth, have a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done.

This week’s submission comes from a reader who may or may not legitimately hate kids, but you should read on and see for yourself…

It’s not that I actually hate kids, but I’m surely not having any of them willingly, for myself. That’s for damn sure.

When the vocalist in my band had a kid, everything changed. That makes me sound like I’m some jealous partner and sure, maybe in a way I am, but I don’t feel like my life as his friend and bandmate should be affected by his inability to properly pull out. Still, I’m happy for him I guess, but now that the demon is like three years old, he keeps bringing it to our band practice and they’re getting in the way. I’m the drummer, which is already hard enough, so I don’t need any lil stinky snot monster running around and touching my sticks and cymbals, coughing all over my mic, or pulling my hair from behind when I’m trying to focus on a blast beat. And that’s not the worst of it.

Our vocalist has a mini studio set up in his basement where he’ll lay down tracks and stuff, and I know he’s been bringing his kid in there since they were first able to crawl, honestly. I obviously get that at some point in that process, he’s probably pressed that drool-covered baby face up against the mic, but that tendency has far surpassed their at-home pastime to now infiltrate the sanctity of our band practice. For at least a year now, when we’re in the midst of an actually serious practice, my bandmate will just straight up let his kid sing, as if some of us aren’t trying to really make sure we’ve got our parts down. We’re trying to record an EP and also have some shows coming up, so what I feel like we all ACTUALLY need is to work on the task at hand, not fuck around for the sake of building a memory the kid probably won’t even remember after the natural resentment builds. Alas, here we are with something mildly important to achieve with a goddamn toddler running the ship for too long. It’s ridiculous. But noooooo, our vocalist has let his little punch-mouth poop goblin run around for every practice, often letting him sit in for him for entirely too long during some of the songs. They don’t even know the words!

I got so tired of it and pretty much lost it at practice the other day because I was trying really hard to focus on my part in that one song and he let his off-key kid have a go at it, honestly not even saying anything like mush-mouth Charlie Brown teacher, so I legit screamed “Fuck this!” and stormed off. My bandmate texted me saying I shouldn’t have done that in front of his kid and that I should come back and apologize, but I refused. I told him if I wanted to be in a kid-fronted group I’d join Kidz Bop, and he didn’t like that very much.

My other two bandmates are pretty split on the situation, and my girlfriend claims she “understands” my frustration but still thinks I’m a dick. I honestly think I should just be able to go to practice to actually WORK on our material and not solely exist as entertainment for a kid that only belongs to one of us. Am I really wrong for that?

I’d be lying if I didn’t say he made some good points, but his delivery may have y’all feeling a different type of way. What’s the verdict?

The post Do I Suck For…Refusing To Go To Practice If My Bandmate Keeps Bringing His Kid? appeared first on MetalSucks.

Oh, fuck yeah. I’ve been in something of a low place recently, what with my brief foray into Satanism with the new Archgoat a few weeks ago, and my offputtingly enjoyable experience listening to Anthrax during my last review, so I feel like I need a reset.

Luckily, my editor over at MetalSucks decided to not be an insufferable shit for once in her worthless life, and gave me the green light to introduce a little wholesomeness to you wannabe purveyors of the Dark Arts.

That’s right, motherfucker, get ready to be bukkaked by the Love of Christ.

Here’s my review of the new Stryper, and if you don’t like it you’re more than welcome to get mouthfucked by Lucifer for all eternity. See if I care.

Track 1: Throne of Thorns

I feel bad for being so harsh in that intro. Now, with that being said, will I admit to being wrong? Fuck no.

Track 2: Here in Your Heart

Oh, hell yeah. That opening riff belongs in the goddamn Library of Congress. Speaking of which, this shit needs to be mandatory in public schools, like prayer. I’ll save that soapbox speech for another time, but you know it’s coming.

Track 3: Falling

You know what? Fuck it. They kicked Jesus out of our public schools, and then what happened? Kids are using litterboxes instead of bathrooms, if Fox News is telling the truth, and I’ve never known them to embellish anything or have any sort of agenda. That bullshit wouldn’t be happening if they were playing Stryper during the morning announcements, I’ll tell you that much.

Track 4: I’m Alright (I’m Okay)

I love this and, more importantly, so does God.

Track 5: Waiting For You

This is inspiring me to haul my old Gibson out of storage. I know it drives my old lady Doreen fucking crazy, but see if I give a toss. She can bitch all she wants. It won’t stop me from rockin’.

Track 6: Carry the Flame

Wait, nevermind. She’s in the living room watching Virgin River and I don’t want to bother her.

Track 7: Hollywood

7 tracks in, and these guys haven’t let up one bit. Is Stryper in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, or do I need to go off on another Reddit rant? I swear, it hasn’t been the same ever since they let Missy Elliott in.

Track 8: Beautifully Broken

Big surprise: another stellar tune. Praise the Lord!

Track 9: Ashes to Roses

I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say this is the best album any band has ever released, ever.

Track 10: Alone Again

It’s heart-wrenching that there’s only one song after this. They’re really making sure it closes out with a bang, though.

Track 11: Shadowbreaker

Good thing you can’t see my eyes welling with tears over how much of a transformative experience listening to this album has been for me. I’m going right back to Track 1 after I finish this review for you freaks.

There you have it. 5/5, of course. It feels good that I’m finally using my incredible music-reviewing skills to spread the Gospel. Love you, Jesus.

As for the rest of you degenerate fucks, see you next week.

The post DISGRUNTLED DAD REVIEWS With DAVE MUSTCOMPLAIN: STRYPER – THRONE of THORNS appeared first on MetalSucks.

Hello, again! It’s Smokey Goretooth back with another “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done.

This week’s submission comes from a user named “AsIxLayCry1ng,” who is questioning the sanity of one of her friends because of her new boyfriend. Good grief, let’s read on…

The fact that this is even something I have to think about is absolutely beyond me, especially since it’s supposed to be MY DAY.

So I’m getting married in a few months and even though it’s been expensive as hell, I did grant all my guests a +1 so they don’t have to sit there like a sad sack by themselves while I embark on matrimonial bliss. One of my friends — let’s call her Evie — has been single for most of my wedding planning process, but a few months ago started dating this absolute dipshit who I’ll call Matt. All of us in the friend group were happy for her when she first told us about him, telling us how well he treated her and how special she felt because of all the typical romantic crap dudes who court ladies usually do. That was all well and fine, but after we met him for the first time, that all changed.

Evie brought Matt with her to hang out with us at the bar one night and it started out pretty chill. He seemed charming, weird as fuck but charming at the very least. The more he drank though, the more his inner workings started to show, and it really took a turn when we started talking about music. My fiancé and I, and quite a few of our other friends, are all metalheads. That night I think I was wearing a Darkest Hour shirt or something, which sparked the conversation. Matt said he listens to metal, too, and how one of his favorite bands is Austrian Death Machine. That obviously piqued my interest, because who the fuck in the world has ever said that? I’m pretty mouthy, especially when I drink, so I responded with something to the effect of “let me guess, As I Lay Dying was your first favorite band too, huh?” And this dummy actually said yes.

Which, fine. Everyone can grow out of stuff and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t also used to like As I Lay Dying. But I asked him how he could still listen to Austrian Death Machine knowing the piece of dog shit Tim Lambesis is. His response was, and this is a literal quote, “I don’t think Tim did anything wrong. We all wanna kill our partners sometimes.” Bro, what in the actual fuck?

I obviously bugged out about this, and said how I’ve never in my life felt the need to hurt my partner, and my fiancé chimed in and said the same thing (if he didn’t, he wouldn’t be my fiancé anymore that’s for sure). Matt kept defending Tim Lamjailsis by saying that he himself didn’t try to hurt her, and the fights he had with his different ladies after the murder-for-hire shit were just typical couple things that outsiders shouldn’t be involved in. I was absolutely shocked.

Evie was there for this whole thing, and didn’t speak up once. I called her out, asking her why she wants to be with the kind of guy that thinks it’s okay to hire someone to murder their wife and who is an abuser and shit. Her response was almost as shocking — something like “He’s just messing around and I know he’d never do anything like that to me.” I was so fuckin’ cheesed that I called her a dumb bitch, him a dumb motherfucker, and I stormed out.

The next day, some of the other people that were there reached out to me and said I was a little harsh on Evie and that my issue is really with Matt, which I guess I understand. I ended up reaching out to Evie and apologized for calling her out of her name, but told her if Matt was who she’s planning on taking to my wedding that I’m retracting her +1. She told me I was being overly dramatic and that if he doesn’t get to go, then she’s not gonna go, which is just so fuckin dumb.

I can’t even tell who I think sucks more at this point between the two of them, but am I also sucky for inadvertently uninviting her because of her dumb fuck boyfriend?

That was a doozy, but however, this very much feels like an ‘everyone sucks here.’ What do y’all think, though?

The post Do I Suck For…Revoking My Friend’s +1 To My Wedding Because Her BF Still Supports Tim Lambesis? appeared first on MetalSucks.

Dave Mustcomplain here. Listen. I may have lost myself for a bit during my review of the new Archgoat album, and that’s okay.

Doreen and I went down to Faith Lutheran and talked to Pastor Mark, and seeing as how I never officially committed apostasy, I can still be welcomed into the loving bosom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ when I die. Phew!

So here I am, back reviewing this godless bullshit for you long-haired ne’er-do-wells, and I’m going to start with a band from New York City, of all places. You know the place: run by a Socialist and ripe with the foul stink of the Tempter. I’ve never been, but Jesse Watters regularly tells me how much of a collapsing hellhole the Democrats have made it, and that’s as educating as an actual visit would be.

Anyway, here’s my review of the new album by Anthrax, and if you haven’t yet caught on, I’m going to be overly critical.

Track 1: Persistence of Memory

Only a minute long? Skip.

Track 2: The Long Goodbye

Wait, this band sings, and doesn’t do that growling bullshit? Hmm…

Track 3: It’s For the Kids

I don’t like this. I swear to God, I don’t, because I hate New York and everybody from it (aside from America’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani, of course). Therefore, I must fight every urge to enjoy this. Goddamnit MetalSucks, why are you doing this to me?

Track 4: Everybody’s Got a Plan

I am closing my eyes and imagining every member of this band voting for Zohran Mamdani to keep myself from having a good time.

Track 5: The Edge of Perfection

Some people think my fear and hatred of New York City contrast sharply with the “9/11 – Never Forget” bumper sticker on the back of my Ford F-150, and I honestly don’t have a good response to that.

Track 6: Infectious

Ugh, fuck. I like this.

Track 7: NYC 93

Thank you, Anthrax, for reminding me of your hometown. I’m strong. I can get to the end of this album without looking upon it favorably.

Track 8: Cursum Perficio

Oh hell yeah, listen to that rockin’ guitar solo, and—STOP IT, DAVE!

Track 9: T.O.M.B.

Think about your freshly repaired relationship with the Son of God, Dave. Are you prepared to throw it all away for these killer thrash riffs? You know He despises that godless cesspit they come from even more than you do!

Track 10: Watch It Go

I’m going to be honest. I turned the volume down on this so I would no longer be lured into nodding along to Joey Belladonna’s Siren’s wail. Hopefully the last track is just another minute of skippable nothing.

Track 11:  My Victory

Almost five minutes. FUCK!

That’s it. I can’t. I CAN’T, but I can’t stop myself: 5/5 stars. Oh God, what have I done? Tears are streaming down my face.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to reevaluate every life choice I’ve made up to this point. I’ll see you next week if I’m able to get out of bed before then.

Dave Mustcomplain out.

The post DISGRUNTLED DAD REVIEWS With DAVE MUSTCOMPLAIN: ANTHRAX – CURSUM PERFICIO appeared first on MetalSucks.

HERRRRRRRE’S JOHNNY! 

That’s a new, original phrase I am trying out. 

That’s right, Gob Squad; THIS THURSDAY it is time for me to make my long-anticipated return to the big screen. Well, I guess the size of the screen depends on your laptop or phone, and my phone is a Nokia flip phone with a tiny screen, spotty service, and a permanent chocolate stain, but I did manage to get to level four on Snake yesterday, so EAT IT, iPhone freaks! That begs another question: if movie theaters call it the silver screen, what do you call it when your short film will mostly be viewed on a phone screen? I guess you could say I am going to be back on the black mirror, which does sound pretty friggin’ metal! 

We will be releasing our first of THREE shorts, aptly titled: No One Survives… THE SERIES. Yeah, an ode to where it all began, and much like the original music video, a camera crew followed me around, documenting my every move; only this time, they didn’t want to see me at work, which may or may not be because my life-insurance company said that it would “legally and morally be a terrible idea” since during said original “No One Survives” shoot I allegedly attacked my boss, Brad. An event my company now refers to as “The great HR disaster of 2012.” This time, they wanted to get more of a peek behind the peeking behind-the-ears and follow me on my journey to and from work. In this first of three episodes, titled “No One Survives: an Uber,” which drops this Thursday on Nekrogoblitube! Let me tell ya, this Uber driver I had was terrible. Quite possibly the worst! I don’t wanna spoil the ending, but let’s just say Ubers are a RIP-OFF… literally. ;) 

THAT’S NOT ALL, FOLKS!

Another new, original phrase I am trying out – what do you think so far?

My band decided, in honor of this new chapter of No One Survives, that maybe it was time to revisit the song, so guess what? WE DID. The premier goblin-metal band Nekrogoblikon went into the studio with its current, rockin’ lineup and re-recorded “No One Survives,” with my best friend Dickie Allen on growls and the majestic, golden-green vocals of a little goblin you might have heard of, singing the epic choruses… that’s right, ME. Can you believe it? From being the subject of a music video to singing on the new, reimagined track of that very same song, which will be available wherever you stream your tunes – ALSO THIS THURSDAY!!! 

You should be green with envy, cause, hand to Gob, I am living the dream! 

You may be wondering, “John, did you always know you were going to be a star?” Thank you for asking, GQ Magazine… I did, actually. My earliest gobhood memory was at my village’s annual “Gobs & Ghouls Talent Show,” hosted by our most famous green guy, GARY GOBLIN (pictured below). What a legend. 

My name was called; I stepped into the spotlight, hit my mark, and… that’s when we were invaded BY TROLLS. So no, I didn’t get to perform my interpretive dance set to the soundtrack of 2001: A Space Odyssey… but one could say, I caught the bug… the acting bug… in addition to a nasty cold, trolls are disgusting and never was their hands so I definitely caught some kind of sinus bug that put me out for a few weeks. After my parents decided my planet was no longer safe to live on, they sent me to the one place they knew their budding star would blossom: Los Angeles. They strapped me to a rocket with one granola bar and my iPad, and fired me straight at LA… and missed it by like six exits. That’s how I ended up in the second entertainment capital of the world, Reseda, CA. Years of struggling with crappy day jobs while taking expensive acting classes at night. Eventually, they kicked me out for “never remembering my lines” and “biting my scene partners.” But I knew I was destined to become Daniel Gob–Lewis one day! Anthony Gobkins! OR at the very least, Gobrey Plaza! 

THERE’S NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT! 

The third, original phrase I am toying with. 

Here I am, starring in not one, but THREE horror-comedy shorts, playing the most complex, sexy, heroic role of a lifetime: Myself. The least you could do is watch it on Thursday the second it’s released, 600 times should do, then, like it, comment something nice, and then share it with 2 million of your friends! Thank you, humans; you’re doing Gob’s work. 

Next stop: THE ACADEMY AWARDS, or at the very least the MTV Movie Awards, or at the very, very least, we’ll end up on Tubi. 

The post MONDAYSUCKS with JOHN GOBLIKON – NO ONE SURVIVES: An Uber?! appeared first on MetalSucks.

Another Wednesday, another new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done.

This week’s submission comes from a grown ass man who got into a tiff with a little kid while gaming. Let’s get into it…

I don’t really get how I ended up here considering what playing videos games online is all about, but apparently I’m a piece of shit for this. I disagree.

So I was playing Fortnite the other night like I’ve been doing for years and I always have my headset on. Everyone knows how it goes when you’re on comms, so the fact that any parent would just let their child have unfettered access to some of the scummiest beings on Earth is beyond me.

Anyway so when me and my friends were online, we ended up playing with this little tyrant who was just an awful little shit from the start. He couldn’t have been more than like 9 or 10, so I’m not sure who in his life taught him all those words and phrases in the first place. I’m not a very sensitive person especially when it comes to gaming, but something about this kid just really got under my skin, especially since he was on our team. Whenever there were little quiet moments I could hear music playing in the background from somewhere and at first I didn’t know who it was coming from, but when I recognized who the band playing was I knew it wasn’t coming from any of my friends… because it was Psychosexual, or I guess they go by Psycho Synner now. I’m embarrassed that I even recognized it, but you can’t know all of the things you like without having some idea of all the things you hate, amirite?

I don’t remember exactly what he said, or what I said, but one of things I said was something to the effect of “At least I’m not a little Psychosexual bitch whose parents hate them because I’m a dumb shit who listens to terrible music.” To me, that REALLY wasn’t that bad, but I also know that wasn’t the worst thing I said. I sort of raged out and don’t remember most of it other than the kid started crying, and that made me laugh pretty hard. And I kept laughing at him, which made him cry more, but the fact that Psycho Synner was still playing the whole time it was happening made the whole situation even better.

Obviously that kid logged off, but I was still so full of joy that one of my friends/teammates said that I was a little too harsh on him since he was so young. Honestly, that kid stinks and I don’t really care, but I need some outside opinions.

This guy is the definition of “fuck them kids.” I get where he’s coming from about online gaming being the Wild West in a sense, but what do we think, readers? Does this guy suck as much as Psycho Synner for this?

The post Do I Suck For… Making A Kid Cry On Fortnite? appeared first on MetalSucks.

Alright, you remember that divine experience I mentioned in last week’s column? It turned out to be total bullshit, so forget I said anything.

I thought I could let it ride and reached out to my daughter Jessica to see if she wanted to reconnect, and she in so many words told me to go fuck myself. I figure if God had actually revealed Himself to me He would’ve at least let me speak to my libtard daughter again, but maybe I’m a fucking idiot.

The whole thing was probably a side effect from the Lipitor I started taking last week. Shit’s making me loopier than a goddamn shit house rat. It’s a shame, too. I’d have made a fucking excellent prophet, but looks like I’m gonna have to go the opposite route.

As such, here’s the new album by Archgoat.

Track 1: Invocation 666

Oooh, this is promising. All hail Satan!

Track 2: Nightbringer, Lightbringer

Don’t get me wrong, my newfound heretical status does not preclude me from thinking this song sucks shit. Singing sounds like a goddamn AMC Gremlin struggling to start. Am I required to like this just because I hate God now? If so, time to put on a happy face.

Track 3: The Dawn to Armageddon

Ugh, I haven’t seen my grandkids Lilianne and Connor in almost six years. Jessica’s probably got them specifying their pronouns on their math tests or whatever the fuck. They all have me blocked on Facebook, too, so they can’t see all the Kevin Sorbo tweet screenshots I’ve been sharing. Those poor kids are so effed.

Track 4: Iconoclasm the Nazarene

Alright, back to it. Is it just me, or is that album art a little too explicit? Nevermind, nevermind! I momentarily forgot about my newfound apostasy. I like this song, I think.

Track 5: Blood of Jesus Spilling Upon the Earth

Yep, way too explicit.

Track 6: The Stygian Millenium

You know, if you slowed down this beginning riff and maybe tuned it up a bit it would sound a bit more tolerable. Maybe recruited Paul Rodgers on vocals? I’m just spitballing here. Trying to help the Satanists out, that’s it.

Track 7: Invocation 999

Backwards speech?! Didn’t Tipper Gore and the PMRC teach us ANYTHING?! I’m starting to regret turning from God.

Track 8: Keys of Hell and of Death

Oh Christ, what the hell am I doing listening to this? I’m so sorry, God. I swear this must be the Lipitor again. Goddamnit, I really need to get off that shit.

Track 9: The Light Behind the Horns

I need this to end as soon as possible. I’ll have Doreen start up the car and get us over to Faith Lutheran before it’s too late.

Track 10: Reaper of Christianity

Ugh, how many songs are on this fucking album?!

Track 11: Obsidian Reflection of Anti-Light

OK, last track. Thank God. Sorry if my little crisis is keeping me from objectively reviewing this music. I hate it, for the record.

There you have it. For the sake of my immortal soul, 0/5 stars. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to head to church to wash the stink of the infernal one from my person. Hopefully there’s a new Stryper album that I can review next week to offset this. Dave Mustcomplain out.

The post DISGRUNTLED DAD REVIEWS With DAVE MUSTCOMPLAIN: ARCHGOAT – NIGHTBRINGER, LIGHTBRINGER appeared first on MetalSucks.

Being the Gob of metal, I keep my claw on the pulse of my industry, but when I read that one of the most popular genres amongst the younger generation wasn’t new music but NU music. I was GOBSMACKED. Can this be? Is nu-metal new… again? New Nu? 

Well, they do say everything is cyclical, which I never was a believer in, that is, until earlier this week when I was walking to get my morning slurpee, and I saw a teenage boy wearing Jnco jeans. I screamed, “2001 called, they want their comically-flarred pants back,” and then he struck me with his chain wallet, almost breaking my puka necklace! Soon another kid entered, looking like he’d been spit out of Thrasher Magazine, and I grabbed him by his frosted tips and demanded answers: “What’s going on? Who do you work for?!” The boy said two things that shook me to my core: first, he insisted they were merely fans of “classic rock.” I thought, classic rock? Like, The Beatles? Zeppelin? The other British guys with bad haircuts and even worse teeth? The boy looked me in my yellow and red eye and said, “No, unc! I mean, Korn! Limp Bizkit! The classics!”

What?!? Naturally I fainted. 

Later I came to, and two police officers stood over me. Apparently I missed the second thing that boy was going to tell me, which was “You just assaulted a minor, I’m calling the cops!” I spent the night in the slammer, but I was about to turn the tables; I was going to go from inmate to detective. For I was on a quest to get to the bottom of this. Can something so old become new? Or even worse, NU?! I was well aware that people = shit. In fact, I was so mad I could break stuff; I knew I had been blind, but this was loco; it felt like my last resort; I’m talking suffocation, no breathing! The toxicity of our city, our city, was going to prove one thing… in the end… it doesn’t even matter. 

I knew I had to head into the belly of the beast; I had to go to the Nu-metal mecca. I went to my local mall and walked my hump straight into HOT TOPIC… OK, I may have stopped to get an Auntie Anne’s pretzel and an Orange Julius first, but then I made my way over to the HT. To my surprise, it was packed. They almost sold out of thick leather bracelets and Chevelle shirts for Gob’s sake! How did this happen? In the era of cringe, you’d think this young generation would not be able to overlook the countless music videos that took place in a tunnel with a fish lens, or every guitarist asking, “How low can I put my strap before my guitar is just lying on the ground?” Or the countless masks, face paint, and gimmicks that nu metal offered in abundance. Or how about how there was always at least one white boy in every band with the thinnest, dirtiest-looking dreadlocks you’ve ever seen? Or what’s it called when a dude only has half the goatee, like the lower part? Just a thick patch of hair on just the chin, but nowhere else? A mistake, I’d call it! Yet, none of that has deterred the youth. Dare I say, it has enticed them! 

The genre has had such a resurgence that now these kids are starting bands and mimicking the music we once thought was dead. Resurrected it like a zombie, a Rob Zombie! It got me thinking… why did this genre garner so much hate from the metal world in the first place? How did one of the most inclusive genres turn its back on its agro step-brother? Was it because it got so commercialized it was featured on TRL next to fuggin Britney Spears? Was it cause the ravenous alpha males destroyed Woodstock 99 with their agro aggression towards wood? Or was it the constant pulling from the pool of hip-hop, giving us the horrors of birthing a slew of new white rappers who also couldn’t resist screaming “GO!” right as the breakdown begins? Revisiting this, I think it’s probably all the above… but are we forgetting all the good genre has brought? Maybe it’s time to push it, time to let the bodies hit the floor, time to click, then click, then boom! Nu-metal is truly the genre that allowed us to enjoy the wild breakdowns of metal, mixed with the nasal, vaguely southern-sounding vocals of grunge. It bridged that gap. It Matthew’s bridge’d that gap… and John Otto… and many others… took us there. And ya know what? Thank Gob they did. 

Maybe instead of making fun of them… we should thank them. 

Maybe instead of living in the past, we should yearn to live in the future. 

Maybe instead of holding on to the old, we should embrace… the NU. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I just started my Atkins diet, so I’m gonna pound a Monster Energy drink before hitting the Rainforest cafe and cruising in my ride that Xhibiti just pimped… as they say, gotta keep it rollin’ baby! 

The post MONDAYSUCKS With JOHN GOBLIKON: The Biggest Recession Indicator Is the Nu-Metal Resurgence  appeared first on MetalSucks.

It was quiet this week – too quiet. It makes my job all the more difficult, and doesn’t anyone ever consider my job, or me? I am Rigor Morrissey, afterall.

With little to report on, there are few strings and connections to be drawn between releases, common threads that would make a more cohesive Dropocalypse… like, I could rip on the fact that only one of the four selected are plain black vinyl and we are yet again in another week of late-stage capitalistic hell, with more variants than we’d ever know what to truly do with.

Or, I could rip on all of these being either rereleases or from bands old enough to have multiple rereleases under their belts.

Or, I could just make fun of the fact that even dead and in the grave, you need to still worry about making money, hence why I’m writing this godforsaken column. And I might just be starting to sound a little too much like Dave Mustcomplain, yet again.

Pleasantries aside, here is your capitalism slop, and you’re gonna like it.

Mercyful Fate – Don’t Break The Oath

Traditional heavy metallers from the 80s Mercyful Fate haven’t had a new release in almost thirty years, however, there is a brand new vinyl variant of their 1984 classic, Don’t Break the Oath. Originally remastered and reissued all the way back in 1997, at least there are more variants being pumped out a good 30 years later. However, props to the fact that the vinyl actually matches the album artwork.

Pick up your yellow-orange-black splatter vinyl here.

Motörhead – Bad Magic

Now, Motörhead don’t get the same points for a matching album artwork and vinyl because the cover is black and so is the vinyl – so, no real creativity points there. However, it was the band’s final release of completely new material, so I guess there’s that. I guess this would be an newbie record for an oldie.

Get your plain Jane record here.

blink-182 – Buddha

I’m pretty sure I’ve already mentioned blink-182‘s specifically for a variant before – however, just for emphasis on, you know, capitalism – here is another one, just a few short months after the release of the other one. I mean, I understand being in it for the payday, but these guys are supposed to be ‘punks.’ Alas, close proximity to billionaire empires might have that effect. But… it is Buddha.

Line their pockets, and your ears, here.

Within Temptation – Erase

Actually a rather unique-looking vinyl variant, Within Temptation have reissued two of their albums this week, but Erase particularly caught my attention for the half-and-half coloring on the materiak. A turquoise and white LP matches the album’s artwork – hey! Another one for creativity points, but not you, Motörhead, still no points for you – and is kind of just visually striking. That’s enough of a criteria for me.

Pick up your duo-toned vinyl from the band here.

The post DROPOCALYPSE FRIDAY: You’ll Take These Scraps And Enjoy Them appeared first on MetalSucks.

Hello, again! Smokey Goretooth here bringing you a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done.

This week’s submission comes from someone calling themselves “jail_band_buggin,” who’s wondering if a jail stint means the band is really over. Let’s see what they’re talking about…

Do I think he did it? Most definitely, which is why I don’t feel bad. He didn’t do any harm to people or animals or anything, but he tried to come up on some quick money and got very quickly caught. I don’t think that the rest of us should have to face his longterm consequences, but maybe I’m wrong?

So my bandmate/friend started this band like four years ago, but started getting some “real” attention for it a couple years ago, a little bit before I joined. We’ve got a few shows lined up for the rest of the year, including a Halloween show we’re SUPER excited to play, but since he’s the singer and one of the guitarists, him being locked up obviously takes the air out of our goddamn tires. It’s not like he’s in the back on keys or something.

I was talking with the other dudes about what we should do, and they all looked at me sort of confused, since I guess they thought we would break up or go on hiatus until he gets out. I think that’s really fucking stupid, because some of those shows are paying gigs, and we’ve all worked so hard to get to this point that throwing it away seems like dumber than the crime old boy committed in the first place. I suggested we try to find a replacement, or that maybe one of us tries to do vocals and we play to a track of his parts. Really, anything just to keep what we’ve got, going. They seem to think it’d be disrespectful for us to do that, since our jailbird is the one who started the band in the first place, so immediately turning around and replacing him goes against some “band bro code.” Get the fuck outta here with that.

Look, I love the dude as my friend and all that, but I don’t think it’s fair to just drop everything because he wanted to do some dumb shit. This is the first band I’ve been in that’s actually getting somewhere, even though it’s not anywhere very far yet, but look at how many things are started by one person just for someone else to take over? That’s literally how this whole dumbfuck country works, so I don’t see why it’d be a problem for our little slice of insignificance on Earth. Like, Dio‘s Black Sabbath was obviously much different than Ozzy‘s, but deserves some respect in its own right.

I don’t think I suck for this, but the other dudes are still mad at me that I even brought it up and now they don’t even want to have practice or hang out or anything. Am I a sucky asshole for this?

Well, well, well, jail_band_buggin, it seems like y’all are in quite the prison pickle, amirite? But, as they say, if you do the crime, you gotta do the time (not playing with your band). What should jail_band_buggin do, suckers?

The post Do I Suck For…Wanting To Replace My Bandmate In His Own Band Because He’s Going To Jail For A While? appeared first on MetalSucks.

Hey everybody, a new and improved Dave Mustcomplain here.

My old lady and I just came back from church, and I’ll be goddamned if the Holy Spirit didn’t personally reach down and touch me on the tits. Said I need to be more open-minded and less filled with rage, yet here Doreen had been angry when I insisted we switch houses of worship after our pastor over at First Trinity went on an anti-ICE rant. Pretentious little shit.

Looks like I was right, because we move over to Faith Lutheran and BAM! God talks to me. This is fantastic, and I’ve decided the first step in my new journey will be with this new Sigh album, so aren’t you lucky?

Track 1: Kuso-shi 1, 2, and 3

First off, I’m not sure what to make of this artwork. Is this what goths are into these days? I suppose that would make sense, what with all these pink-haired freaks walking around the mall with their Attack on Titan shirts. Goddamn—whoa Dave, chill out. Remember how profound that divine experience was this morning? Anyway, aside from the singing, I am enjoying this music, I think.

Track 2: Jigoku-Zoshi 1 – Unkamusho

It’s a little fast, and I have no idea what they’re saying, but…I suppose it’s alright?

… How am I sounding here?

Track 3: Anzenshokon

I can’t say that I like the beginning of this song, because it sound like something off that shitty Pure Moods soundtrack commercial I used to watch in the 90s, but I sure as shit like it better than whatever the fuck happens around the four-minute mark — time to take a breath here.

Track 4: Kuso-shi 4, 5, and 6

There’s no goddamn way I’m sitting through all seven minutes of this song. For the sake of my newly-found sense of grace, I’m skipping it.

Track 5: Shoso

Ahhhhh, there we go. A blissful minute of what I am only assuming is metal music because my editor at MetalSucks told me so.

Track 6: Unputenpu

In case you were wondering, I definitely don’t wish I was listening to .38 Special and drinking a Busch Lite in my man-cave instead of writing this shitty review.

Track 7: Jinmenjushin

To be as diplomatic and magnanimous as humanly possible for fear of offending my Lord and Savior, with whom, we’ve established, I am on newfound good terms, I’m beginning to think this album isn’t for me.

Track 8: Jigoku-Zoshi 2 – Tokatsujigoku

The guitars in this song are…nice, and—ahhhhh FUCK! I can’t do it. I can’t fucking do it. This sucks shit through a straw. I’m so sorry, Jesus.

Track 9: Kushukankyo

If I wanted acoustic guitar I’d listen to some America. Remember that song “Sister Golden Hair”? Now that was a fucking tune. Certainly better than this pisswater.

Track 10: Kuso-shi 7

SKIP.

Track 11: Kuso-shi 8 and 9_Mettaijakujo

Here I was, all excited to reach the last track. If you think I’m going to sit here and objectively review all 11 minutes of this shit stain, you’re out of your goddamn mind. That includes you, God. You have no idea how much you’ve tested me today.

There you go. 0/5 stars. Obviously, I’m going to have to get right with the Lord after this little lapse, but for now I’m going to get absolutely Christ-hammered while rewatching the ’85 Super Bowl on YouTube.

Goddamn, those were the days.

Now, fuck off.

The post DISGRUNTLED DAD REVIEWS With DAVE MUSTCOMPLAIN: SIGH – GOH-KA appeared first on MetalSucks.

Because there is absolutely nothing worth celebrating this Labor Day weekend, why not at least make a little bit of noise to drown out the sound of the festivities that really shouldn’t be happening while making those fest? Rigor Morrissey reporting for duty.

We can sit here until the cows come home, arguing with Dave Mustcomplain and his alike patriots about everything wrong with this godforsaken country in the first place, we can also just have a more enjoyable time, listening to some noisy new tunes, and maybe drowning them out in the process.

Double kicks and blast beats drown out the sound of fireworks, screams blur out the cackling from neighborhood barbecues, and bass so loud it will reverberate well into your neighbors’ celebrations.

So, crack open a cold one (or roll one up, I won’t judge your style), and enjoy the noisy madness this music entails.

156/Silence – From A Distance

I almost wish there was a way for you to be able to hang vinyl in the window so you can scare the shit out of people both visually and sonically at the same time. Let people see what is giving them their fright of their holy live, bask in the sheer unsettling feels that washes over when you look at the mask in this album artwork. We all know metal is Satan’s music, I mean, from where I’m sitting I hear a good bit of good metal, so why shouldn’t your neighbors hear a glimpse of their future now?

Pick it up from their label here.

Chat Pile – Who Loves The Sun

This deceptively sweet colored vinyl packs a (not so) surprising punch behind it. Those familiar with Chat Pile will no need further selling on this being a record worth blaring at destructively loud volumes. Certainly loud enough to drown out the incessant knocking on your door from your neighbors, telling you to pipe the fuck down, and honestly, you don’t even need to tell your neighbors ‘fuck you.’ Playing this loud enough will drive your point home.

Order a baby blue copy here.

A Night In Texas – The Darkest Side Of Humanity

Echoing nearly the exact same sentiment as the above: no need to give the bird yourself when you can convey it passive aggressively. Appropriately titled The Darkest Side Of Humanity, this LP needs further introduction as a righteous choice for this upcoming weekend. While it is a time to be celebrating the ‘people’s‘ achievements economically through their labor, do our corporate overlords really seem to give us the same luxuries we give them? So, fuck the bootlickers. Take it from the dead guy: they all end up down here anyway.

Grab your variant here.

Spirit Mother – Thistle

Last, but certainly not least, and honestly – just get all four to play as loud as your sound system can handle to really make an enjoyable evening for yourself – and absolutely no one else around you. Gristling, grinding, screeching, driving, pummeling, there’s nothing this list of releases don’t do, and Spirit Mother‘s newest isn’t any different. A glorious record to finish off your glorious Labor Day weekend line-up, we would say there would be a noise complaint, but think about what weekend it is. Drunk college kids will far outweigh cops. Happy listening.

Get into it.

The post DROPOCALYPSE FRIDAY: Noisy Music For The Noisy Long Weekend appeared first on MetalSucks.

Well, it’s September now, and some people still suck. It’s Smokey Goretooth here with another “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done.

This week, we’ve got a submission from a user who thinks their friend is becoming an asshole because their follower count increased. Good grief, let’s read on…

I’ve been friends with Zach (not his real name) for about five years now and something he’s always been into are those dudes who do online reviews of albums and stuff, like that bald Fantano guy and whoever else. I’m not a big social media person and I don’t much follow many music critics, but for years he’s been talking about how he wants to get into doing that stuff, too. More power to him I guess, because earlier this year he made TikTok and YouTube accounts specifically for this purpose.

At first it was innocent enough. I think he started with that Paleface Swiss EP that came out in January and at some other point he did the new Oathbreaker as well (idk, I don’t really keep up with it since I prefer to just ask for whatever his opinion is, if I want to hear it at all, in person). Those got a couple of views, which only encouraged him to keep going. It made him happy and that made me happy, but nowadays, he’s become one of the most insufferable pieces of shit to be around sometimes, and he hasn’t even cracked like 3-or 400 followers TOTAL.

It’s not the fact that he thinks the general public gives a shit about what he has to say — that’s why people record and post themselves crying or whatever. What makes him the worst is how he now thinks and acts like he’s the coolest big dick dog in the goddamn yard, and tries to insert his “rising internet fame” into conversation whenever he can with me and our other friends. We’ll be talking about some record or going to some show, and he’ll say things like “In my field, we describe it like this” or if we’re in the middle of a conversation instead of just engaging with us about it, he’ll pull out his phone and say his thoughts right into the camera to clip and use later. How is that not the most annoying goddamn thing ever?

All of this has been steadily building up until I eventually lost it one day last week, and I’m surprised it took me this long. I was talking with another friend of ours about that Militarie Gun album that came out a few weeks ago when Zach decided to interject and say something to the effect of, “Well, you guys don’t really know what you’re talking about because you’re not really a part of music discourse.” Obviously, this pissed me off, so I hit him back with something like “Shut the hell up, dude, no one cares about your stupid opinion. You’re not a part of any discourse as barely anyone even watches your dumb fuck videos.” He hasn’t talked to me since.

To me, he had this coming for acting like he’s some expert on metal now because like five people have chosen to watch him talk about it, and for saying that me and our other friend DON’T know what we’re talking about because we choose not to post about it for attention.

Do I suck for being honest with him though? How do people actually stay friends with influencers, even if they’re failed ones?

What do we think, y’all? If I’m being honest, I probably would’ve had the same if not a worse reaction as our frustrated friend here.

The post Do I Suck For… Wanting To Ditch My Friend For “Trying” To Become An Influencer? appeared first on MetalSucks.

Goddamn heart’s acting up again… think it might be all the stress being put on it by these fucking lunatic Socialists trying to take over our country. Thank God I have Fox News to mainline the straight dope into my veins for three hours every night so I can stay informed on how badly our country’s going to hell.

Worse yet, I have to wait another two weeks for the Bears’ season opener. I know it’s going to be worth it when they wallop the Christ out of the Panthers, but I gotta have something to hang my hat on until then, and that sure as shit ain’t reviewing this godless drivel my MetalSucks editor keeps projectile vomiting in my direction.

Let’s just get this over with, because I hear Sean Hannity’s going to do a piece tonight on some trans kid in Oklahoma who wants to be on their high school wrestling team. This is going to drive my diastolic number through the roof, but I have to watch because it’s super important and definitely affects me personally. Anyway, here’s my review of the new Gorod album.

Track 1: Signs

Did a computer make this? I don’t think guitars are supposed to sound like that. I’m going to have to do some research on these guys.

Track 2: Devise

Oh Jesus, they’re from France? Fucking France? Did I not make my status as a God-fearing patriot perfectly plain when I signed myself up for this racket? What, does MetalSucks think I clogged my arteries eating all those Freedom Fries in 2003 for fucking nothing? * I have half a mind to march back into their offices to stomp some sense into them, had I not already been banned following that episode when they asked me to specify my preferred pronouns during New Employee Orientation.

Track 3: Forgiveness

I know it’s very un-Christian of me, but forgiveness is not high on my list of priorities at the moment. I’m absolutely furious.

Track 4: Regret

At least they’re singing over those nonsensical guitars. I would say I enjoy this more than most albums I cover here, if doing so wouldn’t be a betrayal to all my proud brothers in the Central Illinois Militia. I’ll see you fellas when I’m back on my feet and can run a 25-minute mile again. It’s been too long.

Track 5: Crimson

I gotta tell ya, this guitarist is certainly no Mark Knopfler, but I’ll be goddamned if he can’t work his way around the fretboard, and—NO, Dave! They’re from France! No compliments!

Track 6: Ignite

Phew, more screaming so I can go back to hating this. I was starting to scare myself back there.

Track 7: Ember

I’m kind of enjoying this track too, and for that reason I must skip to the next one. Good thing there’s only one left, because I’m getting a little concerned that I’m about to start dressing like a mime and eating croissants, or whatever it is they do over there.

Track 8: Remains

I swear to God I’m quitting if the next album isn’t American. And I mean American, nothing from New York City, San Francisco, and certainly nothing from fucking Portland.

There you go. 0/5 stars, regardless of how frighteningly alluring some of that guitar work was. You’re on thin ice, MetalSucks. Dave Mustcomplain out.

* Editor’s Note: One could only hope, Dave, one could only hope.

The post DISGRUNTLED DAD REVIEWS With DAVE MUSTCOMPLAIN: GOROD – THE EMBER GONE appeared first on MetalSucks.

“Hey, for our band logo, why don’t we use Comic Sans?” – SAID NO METAL BAND EVER!

I get it, there is nothing metal about Times New Roman – or any other font that is legible for that matter – but as a cixelsyd, sorry dyslexic, I even get that word backwards; I need to know: How did bands go from “I want everyone to see our band name!” to “Who needs PR? Let’s make it so not even a calligrapher could decipher what this logo says!”

Well, I, being the world’s most prolific satirical-metal-goblin-journalist, was ready to get to the bottom of this; I was ready to forge my way into the font! 

After some extensive research in the library, and by library, I mean the digital library, and by digital library, I mean Google; I was surprised to learn that the idea of a gothic text dates all the way back to medieval times. No, not the rockin’ dinner theatre with the giant chicken legs and hunks on horses, I mean the actual medieval time period. Like Game of Thrones, but real, and with a better series finale.

My guess is, during those times, knights were so hopped up on mead and the plague that they were attempting to write legibly but instead made every letter look drunk, and then the oppressive heat made the ink drip down. I’m sure somebody saw it and said, “Now, that’s metal.” Which he probably meant literally, since the guy writing it was in head-to-toe armor.

This would come to be known as Gothic script, or Blackletter, which both sound like they could be playing Ozzfest next year. “Dude, Blackletter rips!” This is what metal historians, or as I call them, Nekro-historikons, call the beginning of goth’s obsession with the color black, which, as you know, would one day become Black Metal. And I was as shocked as you to learn is comprised mostly of white dudes, I guess “Pale Metal” didn’t have much of a ring to it.

We are now going to jump to the late 1960s; not much really happened between these time periods – a bunch of wars and death, which is pretty metal, but honestly, the music was terrible. You guys ever listened to jazz?!? Like, what? Just a bunch of dudes in zoot suits refusing to write a chorus? NO THANKS!

The year is 1968 when a band forms in Birmingham, UK, on a Sunday, I believe. Or as the Christians call it, the sabbath. Well, they took that day and decided to give it a medieval twist, and BLACK SABBATH was born! They took their guitars and forged them in the darkness! They dipped their drumsticks into the devil’s ink! They bought a one-way ticket to a crazy train!

What’s that?

“Crazy Train” isn’t Black Sabbath, it’s actually from Ozzy’s solo era? Well, OFF WITH YOUR HEAD it fit the motif, OKAY?!? 

We are now going to jump to the 1970s: not much really happened between this time period either – a bunch of hippies, flowers, and Tom Hanks, Kevin Bacon, and Bill Paxton attempting to land on the moon, got stuck, and had to get Ed Harris to help them back home. However, soon enough, bands like Iron Maiden and Judas Priest started to break us free from tyranny of the basic-ass-font Hell-vetica (font joke!) we were living in, pushing letters past their typeface blocks for an aesthetic that kinda looked like it was drawn on a 3-ring binder in Sharpie by a high schooler. Yet, one would argue, these logos were still legible.

Guess we gotta keep time-traveling? I’m exhausted! 

We are now going to jump to the 1980’s: not much really happened between this time period either – a bunch of mustaches, disco, and a big ol’ dick, which some called Richard. Apparently, he was some president and tried to stop a leak with a fence, later they called it “Water Gate?” HISTORY! I think we’ve finally reached our destination, because it was in this decade that the anti Pale-metal emerged. It was time for… 

If you’re saying to yourself, “I can’t read what that says,” – I THINK YOU MADE MY POINT FOR ME. It says BLACK METAL, but you can’t read it which is BLACK METAL’S FAULT. It didn’t stop there, bands begin pushing it further and further, to the point festival posters might as well be brail!

Which band are you most excited to see above? “Uh… the squiggly one?”

We are now going to jump to 2026 – not much really happened between this time period either, humans became more reliant on robots and trashed the planet.

So the question remains, WHY are we obsessed with the wild, hard to read fonts? I’ve been scratching my hump trying to figure it out.

Then it struck me, OH MY GOB, it’s not about how the font looks, it’s how it FEELS.

Bands aren’t concerned with somebody knowing the name of their band, they are focused on giving you a feeling, and the font reflects that feeling, and that feeling is METAL, be it black, death, doom, thrash, goblin, or dare I say, pale.

So, next time you’re at the merch booth at a metal festival, putting on your third pair of reading glasses, whipping a magnifying glass out, trying to decipher which shirt belongs to which band… DON’T. Just hand the merch guy or gal or theydy a wad of cash and say, “Hey… give me the squiggly one.”

The post MONDAYSUCKS with JOHN GOBLIKON: Trying to Read Black Metal Logos is Hell-vetica! appeared first on MetalSucks.

If you question my expertise on sceney-bopper-ness, let me walk you through a moment in time.

I’m standing in the sitting room, my mother in the kitchen, and I’m begging her to let me either a) cut my fringe to one of those cool, massive emo fringes that were huge on Tumblr, or b) let me dye my hair purple. Guess which one I got?

Neither.

And while I was angry at the time – in much retrospect (death), I do appreciate the hit she took from me on that one. Because instead of photos of me at 13, wearing an egregious amount of eyeliner, an emo fringe, with purple streaks, there are now photos of me with just an egregious amount of eyeliner.

With her telling me that ‘it was just a phase,’ I’d ‘grow out of it,’ ‘I wouldn’t want the haircut after the novelty wore off’,’ and ‘hair dye takes a lot of maintenance.’ To that, I asked for a cartilage piercing, which, to my 13-year-old brain was neither permanent and took little maintenance beyond its healing period. What do you think her answer was to that?

In my anger, I stormed off into my room, as very much expected from a young teen, saying to the air behind me, “It’s not a phase, mom!”

And guess what, I’m still writing about the little teeny-bopper bands that I listened to when I was a kid… even after death. So, hah! Guess who was right, Mom?

That’s my expertise. And here’s what we having dropping in vinyl for the sceney boppers in the audience.

Beartooth – Pure Ecstasy

A band many scene kids have grown up with. From watching them open for Sleeping with Sirens and Pierce The Veil on their co-headlining tour a decade or so ago, to now hearing vocalist Caleb Shomo reflect on the torment that drew a lot of fans to their first records as it articulated something we didn’t know how to in our young age… there’s a certain full-circle moment, hence why I just went several lines without making a joke. I’m gonna show my therapist it is possible (listen, I’ll be real here, there are therapists in the afterlife (for those of you worried). Even ghosts have problems, and the vow isn’t void just because they’re dead. Same way student loans don’t die with you).

Purchase the LP from the band here.

Thornhill – Bodies Definitive

Not just critically acclaimed, but the rather viral Thornhill record, Bodies has been reprinted on two new exclusive vinyl variants, with the first already sold out. The second left up for sale is still up for pre-order and also features alternate album artwork. Thornhill is one of those sweet spot bands: the actual good bands that sceney-boppers find themselves drawn towards but can still be enjoyed by normal people. Looking at you, Black Veil Brides, fan-base.

Check out the rerelease here.

Underoath – Define The Great Line

Another sweet-spot sceney-bopper band that both helped shape the scene the way into what it is now, but also attracts sceney-boppers who actually do the research into their favorite bands’ favorite bands. Underoath has reissued Define The Great Line for its 20th anniversary – anyone feel old yet? These next few years will definitely make 2010s emos feel quite old as we hit decade and 20-year anniversaries for some of our favorite LPs – and it’s on a fancy new colored vinyl with all new cover art.

Get your hands on it before the kids get their grubby paws do here.

The Warning – Everything’s Falling

You remember those three little girls on the (now-disgraced) Ellen DeGeneres show over a decade ago that played Ozzy Osbourne‘s “Crazy Train” at just 14, 12, and 9 years old? The appearance landed them with some financial aid to attend the Berklee College of Music, and here now is the Grammy-nominated hard rock trio that have unleashed their newest, more poppier venture on some pretty cool LPs. With pink, a picture disk, and more up for grabs, their melodic hard rock is perfect for scene-beginners (pun intended).

Pick up a copy here.

The post DROPOCALYPSE FRIDAY: Another One for the Sceney Boppers in the Audience appeared first on MetalSucks.

Smokey Goretooth at it again with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done.

This week’s submission comes from a user who feels like they didn’t need to lose their spot by the stage for their friend’s sake. Let’s continue…

So, we just had our Warped Tour stop a few days ago, and I planned on going with one of my friends who had never attended the festival in the past at all. I used to go regularly in my younger years, so I was really excited to go and kind of wasn’t going to let anyone get in the way of it. I planned on getting there right when the gates opened, and my friend was going to meet me at some point in the afternoon.

There was a set I really wanted to see, and when my friend said they were on their way, I told them what stage I was at and that I was going to be towards the front. They texted me once they got there and said how they were really confused with the layout of the festival grounds and that they wanted me to come find them so we could be together. I read this text as the band was starting, and I responded to them saying that I really didn’t want to miss this set and that the map really wasn’t hard to figure out, and that I would just meet up with them after. This, apparently, was where I went wrong.

My friend then proceeds to blow my phone up about how shitty it was of me to not come and find them so that we could watch the set together, how I’m a bad friend, how they didn’t understand why I would invite them out if I didn’t plan on spending time with them, and how they felt I should reimburse them for their ticket because they wouldn’t have gone if I hadn’t invited them. I got quickly frustrated with the whole thing because one, they are a, ya know, adult and can figure their life out on their own, and two, there were bands they actually wanted to see who were playing that day so placing the ticket purchase blame on me was not only dumb but also absolutely infuriating. I didn’t even get to really enjoy the band, because continually feeling my phone going off was filling me with a rage redder than the devil’s dick.

The thing is — I never responded. Like, at all. I was so fucking mad that I just decided to let them drift about the festival on their own, because I don’t feel like I need to hold anyone’s hand. Plus, after how they started the afternoon, I had no interest in spending time with them for the rest of day anyway. They kept sending me texts about how I “abandoned” them and how they feel like I ruined our friendship, but I feel like that’s so overwrought and dramatic that it didn’t warrant any of my energy. They then told me we were done and that they were leaving, and after I still didn’t respond, they posted mildly veiled posts about how disloyal the people in their life are and how people can’t be trusted.

I still haven’t reached out to them, but they’ve told some of our mutual friends about the situation. They all, for the most part, feel I should’ve left my good spot at the front to sift through the crowd and find them to stand with them. I probably would’ve at some point, but their incessant texting didn’t really give me the chance, or a desire to create one.

We still haven’t spoken, and everyone thinks I’m an asshole. So, do I actually suck, though?

Not gonna lie, I’m with the submitter on this one. Having a full grown adult turn into a non-grown baby over having to watch a set by themselves would enrage me to no end, and I probably wouldn’t ever respond to them either. I guess that makes both of us sucky people…

The post Do I Suck For…. Abandoning My Adult Friend At A Festival Because They Got Lost? appeared first on MetalSucks.

Hi everybody, Dave Mustcomplain here. Fair warning before I do this review: I’ve had a real bummer of a week. First off, my shitting wife Doreen capped me off at three Busch Lights a week on account of the fact that my heart threw a bitch fit a month back. Says she’s worried I’m going to finally give up the ghost and leave her all alone. I told her I’d go ahead and eat a fucking shotgun if she continues to boss me around like that, because at least then I’d get some peace and quiet. Sent her crying as she ran into the bedroom, which is fine by me since it kept her from squawking in my ear.

To cap it all off, I have to write another review for you virgin mouthbreathers. Meh, at least it’s a distraction from my dumpster fire of a marriage, so I’ll try to concentrate real hard on this one. Here’s the new album by Deathgrave.

Track 1: “Hell is Evil”

Who’d have thought upchucking your scrotal fluid into a microphone could be so varied? I hear a very low growl, a very high growl, and a middle of the road yell. Not that I like it. In fact, I hate it.

Track 2: “Hard to Swallow”

I’m going to go ahead and put “looking up the lyrics to this song” dead last on my list of priorities. My creep of an editor at MetalSucks told me that this band is heavily influenced by another band called Autopsy, as if that means a fucking thing to me.

Track 3: “I Am Here”

You know what? This track isn’t so bad. Just kidding.

Track 4: “Born from Death”

If money wasn’t so tight right now, I’d treat the MetalSucks staff to a field trip to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame over in Cleveland. I bet those freaks would stop giving a toss about this shit after hearing some Eagles or Aerosmith, and they’d all thank me for the privilege. I’d be a goddamned hero.

Track 5: “Smaller and Smaller”

No interest in the lyrics to this one either. Thank Christ you weenies don’t have my email address, because I know you’d all get off on sending them to me.

Track 6: “It’s Only Midnight”

God, I wish I was listening to “After Midnight” by Eric Clapton right now. Now that’s a musician, with some fantastic views on politics and science as well. I doubt any of the latte-swigging limpdicks reading this site appreciate him, though. Fucking shame.

Track 7: “Yaws 3D”

Someone should tell this drummer to take a breather. Maybe lay off the kick a little bit, or even join another band entirely. This song’s gonna make me shit my pants again.

Track 8: “Your Pain Is Ready”

Yes, I said “again.” I did brown the Wranglers a bit when I had my heart attack. Doc told me it’s common, and anyway, our President does it all the time, and he’s the greatest American to ever live, so suck it.

Track 9: “Won’t See You in Heaven”

That’s for goddamn sure. This band doesn’t strike me as the godly type. I’d personally witness to them, but that’d mean I’d have to put up with this shit in Heaven, too. My apologies, but it’s not gonna happen.

Track 10: 27B/6

Can’t believe I just now looked at the album art. What’s with that multi-mouthed Mogwai? Nevermind, I don’t want to know. I’m just happy to be done with this.

Gonna start a new rating system here. This album gets 5/5 turds. How’s that for positivity? See you shitweasels next week. Dave Mustcomplain out.

The post DISGRUNTLED DAD REVIEWS With DAVE MUSTCOMPLAIN: DEATHGRAVE – HELL IS EVIL appeared first on MetalSucks.

Tomorrow marks a very special day in my podcasting career: episode 99 of the RIGHT NOW! The podcast will be released, and for those who struggle with math, that means we are but one episode away from reaching the milestone of 100. It may come as a surprise, but I wasn’t always the funny, confident, sex-Gob you see each week hosting the number one comedy podcast in the world, if you don’t fact-check that. Believe it or not, I used to be just your ordinary, everyday life-insurance salesman turned worst-selling author turned metal mascot turned front Gob of the premier goblin-metal band Nekrogoblikon, and my GOB, how time has flown. I remember episode 1 like it was just 687 days ago… because it was. Now that I’m also on my way to becoming the #1 journalist in the overcrowded market of satirical-metal articles, I wanted to peel back the curtain and take a look back… review… reminisce… reflect… another r-word… and I wanted to do it RIGHT. NOW! 

Many of you, even the die-hard loyalists in the Gob Squad, probably don’t know that Andrew Santino was not supposed to be the first guest. It was actually scheduled to be Joe Rogan. I know. My thought was, before I become the host of the most popular podcast in the world, perhaps I should invite the host of the current most-watched podcast, in order to inform him of his future demise. I think Joe realized two things very quickly: LA is kinda a far drive from Austin, TX, and, two, that despite smoking weed every day, he was actually quite scared of a talking green thing. I knew I had to pivot to the 2nd-most-popular podcast… but those Smartless guys were all booked up. So if you go far enough down the list of “most popular podcasts,” you will eventually arrive at the Bad Friends podcast. Having the checkered history I do with Bobby Lee, I mean the guy broke my set and tried to fight me on my own show! I decided to make the first episode Christmas themed, RED & GREEN! Santino Episode Here

Andrew was a sweet boy, pale as all get-out, but a sweet boy nonetheless. Needless to say, that episode broke the internets, and soon comedians, being the poor, desperate, attention-seekers they are, began coming out of the woodwork: “Can I be on your podcast?” “I want to go Goblin Mode!” “I just need a place to crash, man, I’m down bad.” Now I can’t highlight every guest, so I thought I would give you my personal highs, and even the low. Yeah, it’s singular, just one; his name is Adam Pally. I would link his episode, but I like you.

Hand to Gob, these are some of my favorite moments… 

First one that comes to mind is having on the dang Super Troopers! Not only did I make out with one of em, I came to find out they were going to make a Super Troopers 3 (which is out in theaters RIGHT NOW), but it was at that moment that I realized they had made a Super Troopers 2! My first scoop! In the following episode, I got to debut my Fred Durst impression, which critics hailed as the greatest impression since Sarah Palin pretended to be an unlikable Tina Fey! I remember them telling me that Fred had been so inspired by impression oh him that he wanted to witness it in person. Fred Durst wanted to do the podcast? YEAH!!! I was FREAKING OUT; I was ready to Break Stuff and stick the cookie up my yeah! Sadly, Fred did not arrive for the podcast and still hasn’t done it. “Wouldn’t this be filed under the low points, Johnny?” NOT A CHANCE! Because who did arrive in Fred’s place was a gift from GOB. Gary The Teabag Artist will go down as one of my all-time favorite guests, humans, and definitely my all-time favorite artist specializing in the tea-arts or TARTS, as I believe they call it in France. After this episode aired, you would have thought we peaked, but we were just getting started!

I think what I love most about my podcast is that, as a giant COC (Creature Of Color), I did not gatekeep; I had an open claw policy and was able to shed light on humans and creatures from all walks of life! I had men, women, gay, straight, Gianmarco Soresi…whites, blacks, purples, green geckos, Trailer Trash, Cholos, Vampires, Puppets, Apes, whatever Howie Mandel is, comedians, actors, directors, musicians, pro-wrestlers, and I am most proud to say, NO TROLLS. Never. Not one! Alongside too many wild moments to name: too many laughs, too many riffs, too many Johannes ruining the vibe… but if you asked me my absolute favorite part of making this podcast… maybe it’s the friends I made along the way.?

I feel almost completely fulfilled… almost. There perhaps is still one void, one glaring hole in the show; no, it’s not my incompetent Italian producer Johannes- good guess, though. It’s that on Episode 2, Pete Holmes, unsolicited, brought up my idol, my future mentor, jack of all trades and master at freakin all of them, Wayne Brady! For 99 episodes, I have tried to get him on the podcast and failed. For 99 episodes, I have tried to learn all there is to know about improv comedy in hopes that when we do meet, I’d finally get to say, “Hey Wayne, wanna dance?” and he’d smile and say, “Yes… AND!” But alas, I have not been able to get Wayne Brady on the RIGHT NOW Podcast… well… maybe that’s because, having Wayne on any single or double-digit episode doth not make a lick of sense. This man deserves TRIPLE-DIGITS! There can ONLY be one guest for Episode 100, and that man is WAYNE BRADY B*TCH! 

Make sure to watch all 99 episodes before so you’re all caught up, don’t be the person turning to your partner going, “Wait, he’s a goblin?!? What episode did they reveal this? I’m so lost!” Cause next week: EPISODE 100. JOHN GOBLIKON. WAYNE BRADY. OH….MY…GOB. 

The post MONDAYSUCKS With JOHN GOBLIKON: I Got 99 Episodes but a Troll Ain’t One! appeared first on MetalSucks.

You know the saying about the law of attraction? Yeah, well, looks like one band decided, ‘Hey, maybe we should rerelease this LP,’ and that one band ended up being pretty much all of them. And – get this – only one of them is standard black. I mean, we’re talking peak consumption-levels here.

Rereleases can get a bad rap – and should – but that’s not necessarily the point. Okay, maybe it is the point. But, somehow, taking the magic of a record that was released (x) years ago, slapping it on some colored vinyl, and hoping it’ll have the same sell-out effect is a little insane. Then again, every one in the music industry seems to be a little off their rocker, and that includes people behind the scenes (Rigor Morrissey as well).

However, it seems like madness runs throughout the music industry, because like crazies, we buy new records each week and expect different results. These results you can actually anticipate because you know what it sounds like. Because, you know, it’s been released before. And who doesn’t want a record they’ve listened to for the last decade on vinyl for decoration?

Alexisonfire – Crisis

Alexisonfire at least waited until their 20th anniversary for Crisis before they dropped a rerelease of the record, I will give them that. And the red and white splatter is pretty cool. And, the album isn’t terrible, so I say that’s a win on all three counts. Whether you’re looking for wall decor or a pick to keep on your shelf, you can’t go too wrong here.

Wall art can be found here.

Dance Gavin Dance – Instant Gratification (ecovinyl)

I will give Dance Gavin Dance something – at least amidst all the thoughtless money-grabs, they at least decided to go for an environmentally friendly money-grab. Sure, vinyl, the music industry, and actually, just corporations as a whole, are doing their best to greenwash their way into people’s good graces when in reality the best way to greenwash us is to actually put in climate change measures, but at least the little guy (in this case, DGD) is doing something about their carbon footprint.

Ecovinyl to be found here.

Hypocrisy – Worship

Hypocrisy released Worship back in 2021… in the month of November… but this August in the year of 2026, you can get your hands on a brand new fluorescent blue copy. On the off-chance that you’re a brand new Hypocrisy fan, here’s some new material for you to chew down on! However, it’s probably a lot more likely you’ve been a fan for a long time, and well, vinyl is old, but not that old.

Get your purple-blues here.

PUP – Dream Is Over

This release will stick out like a sore thumb – because it’s not a metal release. It’s more of an alternative, punk, rock, fusion record, that still gets lumped into the rerelease slander, that’s right, because no one is safe. I did say come one, come all, didn’t I? PUP at least released this record in 2016, so it is celebrating its 10th birthday, however, that was back in May. Need I say what month it is again? That said, it is a half-decent record.

Scoop up your copy.

Sigh – Scenario IV : Dread Dreams

I’m honestly no better than Dave Mustcomplain over at Disgruntled Dad Reviews, as I describe records as ‘half-decent’ and ‘not terrible’ – but, does anyone really expect the dead guy on staff to be the cheeriest? No. Try Goblikon. He has way too much fun with his day job. Or Smokey, but I feel like that nickname explains the reason why. So, yet again, not terrible, half-decent rereleased record with a new vinyl variant.

Pick up the vinyl of your dreams here.

The post DROPOCALYPSE FRIDAY: Rereleases Come One, Come All! appeared first on MetalSucks.

It’s Smokey Goretooth back with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done.

This week’s submission comes from an anonymous user who got into it with a senior citizen. Read on…

I didn’t want for any of this to happen, but I really did feel like I had to defend myself. I take the train into the city to go to work, and I was sitting in the seat closest to the window with my headphones on. Some old dude came up and sat next to me since that’s where the only open seat was (usually people think I look scary because of my clothes and stuff so I assume that’s why most people don’t like sitting next to me, which is okay), and I figured everything would be fine. It wasn’t.

We barely made it five minutes before this dude’s decrepit finger starts poking me. I take one of my earbuds out to ask him what’s wrong, and he told me he can hear my music and he thinks it’s terrible and wants me to turn it off. I very flatly said “no,” put my earbud back in and go back to minding my business. I’m honestly surprised he could hear anything because this man had to be at least 70 years old.

About another five or so minutes goes by, and this mummy taps me again and says my music is really bothering him and that if I didn’t turn it off he was going to go up to the conductor and tell him to kick me off the train. I told him I have every right to listen to what I want to inside of my headphones and that if he doesn’t like it he could go find somewhere else to sit, and then I turned around and again, kept minding my business.

That’s when I feel him pull my earbud out of my ear and scream “turn that shit off!” He even spit on me a little as he did it. I tried to pry my earbud out of his cold, dying hand but I obviously didn’t want to hurt this guy. He then tried to pull my phone out of my hand to turn my music off himself, as if he’d even be able to figure it out. I slapped his hand away and shoved my phone in my pocket, and then he stands up and over me trying to reach in my pocket to take it. So, I pushed him.

He fell back into his seat, and I tell him to give me my earbud back. He told me I just assaulted him and he was going to call the cops and get me arrested. Mind you, no one else stepped in to help. I understand the optics don’t look good—me, a long-haired metalhead shoving this old “feeble” fucker, but he started it. Since I clearly didn’t want to get arrested I just decided to get off at the next stop.

I ended up being late to work because I had to wait for the next train, and I’m down an earbud. Do I really suck for this?

Well, there you have it, folks. If anything, that old shit put hands on him first, but does this person suck for the old-on-young squabble?

The post Do I Suck For… Pushing An Old Man Because He Tried To Take My Music Away? appeared first on MetalSucks.

No! No no no! Marilyn Manson? Are you fucking kidding me, MetalSucks?

If there’s one thing us good, God-fearing Christians fear, it’s that vile, filth-ridden corrupter of American society.

I didn’t storm our beautiful nation’s Capitol on that fateful day in 2021 to have him return to transform our children into loathsome, mouth-breathing goths like he did back in the nineties. My beautiful daughter Jessica told me (back before she shuttered me from her life for having the goddamn good sense to outspokenly disregard the COVID-19 plandemic) that he had been canceled for some… shall we say untoward behavior, to say the least, a few years back so I refuse to give Marilyn Manson the time of day, lest I give Satan a free pass to roast me in his eternal flames like a fucking campfire hotdog.

It’s a good thing those long-haired dweebs at MetalSucks are rewarding me so handsomely for this. Time to seriously half-ass this review.

Track 1: “Unalive”

This sounds like the score to that 28 Days Later movie Doreen rented that one time. Scared the absolute Christ out of me, that one did. You can bet your ass I took over movie-watching duties after that, and our upcoming movie night’s going to be Mel Gibson’s The Patriot for the 53^rd time in a row, as the Good Lord intended.

Track 2: “Don’t Answer the Door”

Don’t worry, Mr. Manson. I have absolutely no intention of doing that.

Track 3: “Front Toward Enemy”

Just a second. Gonna tell Doreen to get off her worthless ass and fetch me my Rosary so I can get right with my Maker after listening to this horseshit.

Track 4: “All the Vilest Things”

Yeah, I’d consider this track to be among the vilest things I’ve ever heard. This freak is just lobbing softballs at me with these stupid fucking titles. I may just make it through this album after all.

Track 5: “None of the Suns”

I fully expected to be horrified by this music, but instead I’m bored to tears. Can someone tell me where I can find this dorky fuck so I can stuff him in a locker or wedge his Fruit of the Looms up his ass crack?

Track 6: “Lucifer’s Teardrop”

Hard no on this. I’m not listening to something with a title like that. Jesus Christ, where the fuck is my wife with that Rosary?

Track 7: “The Arsonist”

The studio really could’ve used one of those while they were recording this. Hey-oh, I’m back!

Track 8: “Exit Wound”

Yeah, these tunes all sound the same to me, I’m sorry to say. Good thing there’s only one left.

Track 9: “Enantiomorph”

I have no fucking clue what that means, but I’m going to skip it just in case it precludes my entrance into Heaven. You can never be too careful with shit like this.

There you have it. Do I really need to give you my score? Time to haul ass out of here and down to Immaculate Conception to wash myself in the Blood of the Lamb, seeing as how that shrieking sack of potatoes Doreen is taking her sweet-ass time with my prayer beads. See you heathen nightmare creatures next week.

The post DISGRUNTLED DAD REVIEWS With DAVE MUSTCOMPLAIN: MARILYN MANSON – ONE ASSASSINATION UNDER GOD – CHAPTER 2 appeared first on MetalSucks.

1995 was an incredible year: Michael Jordan returned to basketball, O.J. got away with murder, Tom Hanks tried to go to the moon with Kevin Bacon and that guy from Twister, but they got stuck (never saw the end, nor the sequel Apollo 14, so I assume they are still orbiting?), and every one of us got kissed by a Rose on a Grave! OH MY GOB what a year! Yet, I think the most defining moment was when a new music festival emerged, one that would change the course of your life… and mine.

Originally titled “The Bomb,” cripes, who pitched that turd of an idea? I can only assume somebody looked at the guy who pitched it and was like, “The bomb? In this economy? That’s kinda WARPED, don’t ya think?” That’s when a gentleman named Van stepped forward, or wait, maybe there were two of him since the name is plural? Yeah. They were TWINS, that’s it!

So, VANS spoke up, in unison of course, “Instead of naming this tour after a Hot Ones hot sauce; It shall be named the Warped Tour!” Then somebody probably shouted, “What’s Hot Ones!?” The VANS were so ahead of their time, so much so, they knew about branding, so before anybody could vote, they wrote their name in sharpie on the poster and BOOM, music history was made: the birth of VANS WARPED TOUR. (This is historically accurate, no need to fact check it, I ran it by Ask Jeeves.) 

The Vans Warped Tour quickly became the home of skateboarders and punk-rockers, and they even let in a bunch of dudes who failed out of Bandcamp and danced like Elaine from Seinfeld, which we’d come to know as Ska fans. The Van twins, or VANS as we now know them, also decided to make this festival as hot as possible. Not in a Paris Hilton, ‘that’s hot’ kinda way, in a ‘Hey, you’re going to be in a giant field with no shade, shoulder to shoulder with thousands of sweaty humans with chain wallets in the dead of summer’ kinda way.

This, to my surprise, really caught on; soon the Vans Warped Tour was growing each summer, shedding light on the biggest and brightest names in music, while also bringing along a ton of new up-and-coming bands. Over the next two decades, they came to the conclusion that if they could end the festival, and then a few years later bring it back under the guise of it being a “revival,” this could turn into an event that could live forever! Until 2018, that is, when they deemed it “The Final Warped Tour.” Don’t be sad; something tells me it will get revived. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, cough, cough, growl, growl. 

I’m pretty sure in 2018 the VANS twins were seeing the gaping hole in their green representation. They knew the only remedy was to finally include the premier goblin-metal band Nekrogolikon. There I was, Hawaiian shirt and all, ready to go goblin mode on my first-ever Vans Warped Tour. Something about seeing all these bands backstage, wandering aimlessly looking for both catering and a place to poop, I came to the realization that I would love to interview these bands, and I’d love to do it, RIGHT NOW!!! I did not discriminate: I interviewed  musicians, clowns, clown-musicians, and even Jeff Buckley.

2018, it was deemed “THE LAST WARPED TOUR”… until… ya know… the next year when the Warped Tour also took place. Sending a trend? Yeah, same. 

CUT TO: 2026. Warped Tour is rumored to be back, again… again. I told them, whatever you do, do not throw it on any short beaches; that shit will not be able to handle all the rocking’n’rolling. So they found a Long Beach, set it on the hottest day of the year, and once again, I felt the calling. These poor musicians are going to be talking to human after human on press row without a single interaction with a creature?!? I could not let this be.

I took my crew, and I got my hump down there.

I remember the VANS turning to me and asking in unison, “How many bands do you want to interview… five?!?” I scoffed. Yeah. I know how to scoff. “Five? Uh, try five TIMES that!” They responded, “You want twenty-five bands?!?” I thought, OK, that seems like a few too many; “Maybe we call it twenty?!?”

Now I know a lot of you are thinking, so wait, you did Warped Tour interviews in 2018 for your Right Now webseries, and then you didn’t do any more Right Now episodes for years, then you brought it back as a podcast, and now, seven years later, you are back doing interviews at the Vans Warped Tour? To that I say, yeah, haven’t you ever heard of a REVIVAL? It’s a little trick I learned from my friends, nay, my mentors, The VANS. 

Warped? Sure, but… aren’t we all? 

The post MONDAYSUCKS With JOHN GOBLIKON: I Invaded Warped Tour and, Hand To Gob, I’m NOT SORRY!  appeared first on MetalSucks.

Despite the title of this article, this is not centered around weddings or matrimony. Rather, it’s focused on a rerelease, a preorder, a record released within the last few months that is seeing more albums printed, and more. Which, honestly, is a far better investment than a wedding. Because one, vinyl can never cheat on you. Two, you can always sell the vinyl if push comes to shove (if you do that with a partner, that’s considered human trafficking). And three, you can have more than one, without judgment, scrutiny, or again, breaking the law.

So, step right up for Dropocalypse Friday, where I pair you with one of our excellent new vinyl releases of the week, to live happily ever after with. And like I said, you can pick more than one – without judgment.

Godflesh – Decay

UK industrial metal Godflesh are calling it quits after their forthcoming record, Decay, is out. The announcement was made today, and pre-orders went up today, which technically means you can buy the record. It’s just slightly delayed gratification, or absolute misery as you sit by the window every day waiting for the mailman – because you’re just too fucking excited. The band are sadly calling this their penultimate record due to frontman Justin Broadrick‘s health concerns. So, with the first single released today, I can expect this to be a crowdpleaser amongst the industrial metal crowd.

Check out preorders here.

Rivers Of Nihil – Rivers Of Nihil

American progressive death metal group Rivers Of Nihil have reissued their most recent record Rivers Of Nihil, due to what I can only assume as high demand. After charting on five separate US Billboard Charts – with four of those rankings being within the top 10 –, Blabbermouth gave the album a 9 out of 10, and Loudwire hailed it one of the best progressive metal albums of 2025. So, to say the album was liked is an understatement. And so, the band have given fans another chance at getting their hands on a physical, exclusive variant refined, all encapsulating Rivers Of Nihil record.

It’s only available through Metal Injection. Get it here.

Fight From Within – Talk Is Cheap

Upstate New York’s own beatdown metal-hardcore group Fight From Within dropped this beauty last year, a pummeling, relentless beatdown of an LP that is being printed again for that very reason. So, for the fans that like to decompress by having their skin atomized from their faces, this is the record for you. Seismic breakdowns, guttural screams, and a whole lot of breakdowns, there’s a reason someone is having their face rearranged on the cover of the LP. Because that’s what you’ll like like by the time you get to the final track on this record.

Get beat down here.

No Cure – It Is Going To Get Dark

Released earlier last month, hardcore heavyweights No Cure released an LP that focused on the collapse of humanity around us, this record may be more suited to those feeling particularly down about the state of the world and their place in it. Because, I will admit – it’s fucking grim at times. There’s something that burns within No Cure on this latest release, whether it’s hunger, frustration, or a feeling of someone on the verge of vengeance, there’s something primal about this record. Now, there’s a select amount of this specific blood red variant available.

It’s available only through the No Cure store. Check it out here.

The post DROPOCALYPSE FRIDAY: Something Old, Something New appeared first on MetalSucks.

Smokey Goretooth reporting for duty with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done.

This week’s submission comes from a user called “working_class_ass,” who is questioning whether the reason was good enough. You’ll see what I mean…

I work at a really popular bar/restaurant in a small college town, so it’s usually busy at night even during the week. Because of this, it makes it hard to call out sometimes even when you have good reason, and on this particular night, I feel like I had a great one.

So everyone at work knows I’m a huge fan of Ozzy Osbourne and I was absolutely gutted when he died. None of my coworkers listen to the same music as I do and don’t really pay attention to most things happening in the metal world, so I had a feeling that likely none of them knew that Ozzy Day was a thing. I already knew once I saw I was scheduled for that day that I was going to call out, and I started soft launching being sick the day before to make it more believable. When I was at work that Tuesday, I mentioned how I ate Taco Bell before I came in and that my stomach was getting bubbly. Towards the end of the night, I was in and out of the bathroom — not actually using it but for the effect of it. I figured if anything, since we had a few cases of Cyclospora in my town, that if I’m blowing water out of my ass I for sure cannot come to work. Turns out I was right, because I got out of my shift on Ozzy Day very easily.

I spent most of that day and night drinking, listening to Sabbath and Ozzy records, and watching “Back to the Beginning.” It was amazing and I had a great night in honor of the dark prince, but apparently it sucked really bad for my coworkers. I was talking to one of them the other day about how that night went and he said it was incredibly busy, how everything kept going wrong, and how they really could’ve used me because no one was able to cover for me so they were down a person the whole shift. Without even thinking I said something about how I couldn’t miss the first Ozzy Day, and he looked at me super confused. He asked me what Ozzy Day was and I told him about it, and he instantly got pissed. ‘I thought you had diarrhea….’ he said as he stared at me with daggers. That’s when I knew I fucked up.

He then starts going off on me about how shitty it was of me to call out for something like that and leave the rest of them in the lurch, among other things. I guess he had one of his worst nights of all at work that night, and now thinks it’s directly my fault. I kept begging him not to tell our boss about it because I really don’t wanna get in trouble but I also I didn’t post anything on socials that could incriminate me if he were to go to my boss, so I might be in the clear since he’s the only one who knows I did this.

I do feel bad it was a rough night for my coworkers, but it was also a very rough night for us diehard Ozzy fans, and that’s why I don’t feel much worse. I honestly think Ozzy would’ve been proud of me and anyone else who did something like that that day, because why wouldn’t he be? I poured some out for him so he could have some in the afterlife, too.

My next shift is in a couple days and I’ll be working with that same coworker, and I’m nervous about how it’s gonna go since he got so upset with me. Do I really suck?

There you have it, folks. Is playing hooky for Ozzy a suckable offense?

The post Do I Suck For…Calling Out Of Work So I Could Get Wasted On OZZY Day? appeared first on MetalSucks.

Greetings all, Dave Mustcomplain, back and better than ever. If you weren’t aware, I had a little health scare a couple weeks ago when my heart decided to suddenly take a shit. Here I am, though, basically 100% now. I did piss myself when I walked past the microwave the other day, so the doc must’ve put in a pacemaker while I was out. Would’ve been nice of her to tell me, but what’re you gonna do. I’m just glad my decades-long ignorance of the Food Pyramid and completely sedentary lifestyle hasn’t sent me into the loving bosom of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ yet. Nope, I’m here for the foreseeable future, and to make sure you worthless turds appreciate me, here’s a review of the new album by Electric Callboy. I haven’t even looked at the cover of it yet, and I can already state with confidence that it sucks shit.

Track 1: “TANZNEID”

Good fucking Lord.

Track 2: “RATATATA”

This sounds like that obnoxious “Gangnam Style” song that my daughter Jessica showed me about 15 years ago. I thought it was garbage then, and I think this is garbage now. The fact that it’s reminding me of my libtard daughter who now refuses to answer my phone calls is only making me angrier. Thanks a lot, MetalSucks.

Track 3: “HYPERCHARGED”

Is this what heavy metal is nowadays? Christ, I didn’t think it could get any worse than that Satan-worshiping shit Tipper Gore warned us about back in the eighties. At least that music didn’t sound like fucking Daft Punk.

Track 4: “Let the Good Times Roll”

“Featuring the Offspring,” as if that means a fucking thing to me. I’m starting to wish that heart attack had done me in.

Track 5: “Elevator Operator”

A more open-minded man than myself would chalk this up to me just getting old and out of touch, but I think that’s a bunch of beans. I’m only 63 and I still fuck like a goddamn Olympian. It’s the younger generations that are objectively wrong for enjoying this audial dysentery.

Track 6: “Heartclub”

I’d better finish this up soon before my ticker decides to throw another hissy fit. Looks like it’ll just be Seals and Crofts in the car for the next week to calm me down. No need to tempt fate.

Track 7: “The Way You Are”

Did I stumble into a New Kids on the Block song or some shit? This can’t be the same band that was just screaming at me one track ago.

Track 8: “Still Waiting”

Yeah, I’m still waiting for this album to end. 8 songs should be the standard, boys. I can’t believe I still have a couple more to go.

Track 9: “The Savior”

There’s only one Savior worth singing about, and I assure you He wouldn’t appreciate this song. I’ll do Electric Callboy a favor and include them in my prayers tonight. They’re lucky I’m gracious enough to do that.

Track 10: “Revery”

Oh, cool. The last song sounds like something from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Honestly, I kind of appreciate it. I had been starting to hyperventilate, and this was a good comedown. Still hate it, though.

0/5 stars. Now fuck off and let me enjoy the rest of my week. I’ve got $300 on the Bears/Browns game this Saturday (don’t tell Doreen). Dave Mustcomplain out.

The post DISGRUNTLED DAD REVIEWS With DAVE MUSTCOMPLAIN: ELECTRIC CALLBOY – TANZNEID appeared first on MetalSucks.

Metalheads are perhaps the most misunderstood group of humans I’ve come to know here on this burning planet you call Earth. Based on their pale complexions, uncut hair, and aversion to wearing pastel colors, I would have told you they have never ventured outside of their garage or their mother’s basement.

Nay. I was wrong. (Note to therapist, SEE?! I CAN admit when I’m wrong!)

After joining the premier goblin-metal band Nekrogoblikon, I’ve seen metalheads in all sorts of environments they don’t belong: Boats, Canada, Denny’s… And now I come to find out they have ventured into the one place I thought they’d be allergic to: nature.

At the Fire In The Mountains Festival, they are breaking new ground. Well, technically it’s not new to them; in fact, it is and has always literally been their ground, since it’s organized by The Blackfeet Nation. This fest has done the unthinkable; they have opened their hearts and their beautiful campgrounds to a bunch of metalheads! Bringing metal to those who need it most: squirrels… and probably some birds and bugs… but also humans.

Not just that, they offer free workshops with an emphasis on mental health?! (Second note to therapist: See I do give a sh*t about my mental health; I’m friggin writing about it!) And here’s the kicker – they are doing this entire festival without alcohol?! Yep, that’s right, this event is drier than a woman watching 4 dudes do improv! Now I could never go a day without suppressing my feelings with booze and/or looking for my solutions at the bottom of a bottle while simultaneously ripping a bong made from a Gatorade bottle… but honestly, the fact that all these humans are down to do this for an entire music fest is, well, it’s pretty friggin metal if you ask me. (Third note to therapist: Stop sending me all those court-ordered ‘Stop drinking’ pamphlets! I only use them as beer coasters!) 

In this modern world of technology, think it is so important to get off your phone, close the 28 tabs on your laptop, and get back to life in the way Gob intended it. You and your friends huddled in a tent, asking ChatGPT how to make fire, while Enslaved rips blast beats that echo so hard it knocks a hippie off a mountain attempting to free solo! TOUCH GRASS as they say. Meet new people. Meet other metalheads. Form community. 

I just wish there was a way for all my Gob Squad to come together and celebrate their love of goblin-metal… OH MY GOB, I got it! Come see Nekrogoblikon on tour and help create that very community. I encourage you to do it with any band you can – however, mostly our band. But, you’re probably wondering, “John, are those shows outside in nature?” No, most of them will be inside with air conditioning! Touch grass? The only people who do that are hippies during their festival seasons in which they create a community of the great unwashed.

“John, weren’t you just preaching the benefits of going outside?” I was obviously wasted when I wrote that; come to think of it, we weren’t even at Fire In The Mountains festival; we will, however, be at Aftershock, which isn’t in the mountains and also sells booze, lots of it.

(Final note to therapist: I think we should stop seeing each other) 

The post MONDAYSUCKS With JOHN GOBLIKON: It’s Time For Metalheads To Embrace Their Biggest Fear – Nature appeared first on MetalSucks.

Another week at work at work completed, with another two short days of ‘rest’ (i.e. errands), and then a brand new week of work to look forward to – the joys.

At a certain point, the only thing that brings me joy is spending money – it’s the only thing that seems to rattle these bones anymore, or get what used to be my adrenaline system… feeling like it’s pumping. The afterlife is boring is fuck, and even more so, when you’re still stuck on this realm of existence and need to work. Even if you’re dead. Just a glimpse at your future, folks. Look at it. It’s pretty green, and not in the good way.

So, instead of making one group of people happy with a specified grouping of releases on vinyl each week, here’s a little bit for everyone in the reluctant audience.

Cancer Bats – Give Me Dirt

Canadian hardcore-sludge unit Cancer Bats dropped their first LP in four years today, and their first with their new guitarist. Features galore, this record also has a little bit for everyone: bright pink vinyl, filled to the brim with riffs as well as appearances from Converge‘s Nate Newton, Brooklyn Doran, and Death By Stereo‘s Efrem Schulz, and a very good time.

Good times to be found here.

Electric Callboy – Tanzneid

Tanzneid comes from German metal-EDM fusion group – say that three times fast, and no, it’s not just difficult because I’m missing part of my tongue – Electric Callboy, who have printed their newest LP on a gorgeous lavender that coincides with their album artwork. As mentioned last week, pretty shapes and pretty colors make my mammalian brain go ‘brrr,’ this is a pretty immediate winner.

Grab a copy here.

Hypocrisy – End Of Disclosure

Heh, the cover art and I bare a striking resemblance, if I do say so myself. Regardless, melodic death metal unit Hypocrisy have reissued their twelfth studio LP, End Of Disclosure, as well as some of their other catalogue, on some more fun and pretty colors. They’re offering this specific record on a coke bottle green color, and through their record label, Nuclear Blast. Picked purely for selfish reasons, I must admit.

Indulge.

Sleep Token – Even In Arcadia (Instrumental)

And, to round out this week’s chaos, maybe try an instrumental for a change? Try and lower your blood pressure a bit before you end up looking like me? Fine, if you’re willing to meet me in the middle – heh, pun absolutely intended – here is an instrumental, somewhat metal album. It’ll have your riffs, and it’ll also be a little less scream-less. Save that for when you’re in hell, trust me, it doesn’t stop. It was released before, but it’s now available on vinyl again.

Self-soothe here.

Rigor Morrissey, signing off.

The post DROPOCALYPSE FRIDAY: A Little Bit For Everyone In The Audience appeared first on MetalSucks.

Smokey Goretooth here, clocking in with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done.

This week’s submission comes from a user named “thisguystinks01,” who was apparently very upset with his neighbor’s lack of skill…

So, I live in an apartment building that’s next door to a duplex. I’m really cool with the downstairs neighbors (have no clue about who lives upstairs), and they’re all young dudes in their late 20s. They’ve got the face tattoos, the cut off band tees, the whole nine. I should say I don’t know exactly who all lives there, since it seems to be a young house of actual roommates and rotating friends who need a couch to crash on sometimes when they’re in town.

I work from home some days and this particular situation started around 10:30 a.m. yesterday. My morning meeting just finished when I hear that undeniable sound of something being plugged into an amp. Since I live in a family neighborhood, again in an apartment next to a duplex, I wasn’t necessarily expecting this since places in my area don’t have basements and barely have garages that could be used as a practice space. That’s when the true horror of my morning began —I hear the introductory notes to “Painkiller” by Judas Priest. It took me a second to recognize what it was without the epic drums that open it, but it also took me awhile because whoever was playing was doing it so, so terribly.

Then comes the shockingly poor attempt at the vocals. It didn’t sound like they were singing into a mic, rather more so just shouting at the their highest volume and horrible octave known to man. Even my dog was wincing, and he’s old, so the fact that he mustered up the energy to react should say something.

Now, I obviously understand that you’re gonna have to practice something a lot to get good at it, but this went on for HOURS. The same terrible execution over and over again, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. No matter how loud I had on whatever I was listening to in my headphones, their attempt at practicing overpowered it, and I had enough.

Bit of back story, I had helped them a few months back with some electrical shit since I had lived here years before they ever, so I knew where their powerbox was on the outside of the building. At this point, I didn’t even care whoever else in their duplex it could’ve affected because I was on a mission for silence I went downstairs and over to their side of the fence, and as soon as I got to the box, I flipped every last bit of shit in there without hesitation. Literally every single switch. Once I heard the awful racket get somewhat quieter — and the person scream “FUCK!” really loud — I knew I found the sweet spot. I snuck my way back to my side of the fence when I heard whoever it was on the phone saying something to the effect of “shit, I think I blew a fuse or something. What should I do?” This led me to think that whoever it was isn’t one of the actual roommates, but one of those just passing through.

They eventually found the box and flipped all the breakers again, but I guess they were too scared that it’d happen again so they stopped playing and I enjoyed the rest of the day in peace.

I honestly don’t see how this could’ve gone any other way. I’ve had one of my neighbors in my own building mention to me before how they’ve tried to go over there to talk to them about noise before (that I guess happened when I wasn’t home one day) and it didn’t go over well or resolve anything, so I don’t really feel like I’m in the wrong. But, my best friend’s boyfriend, who is in a band, heard me telling her about my revenge and he said that I truly sucked. But like, do I really suck, though?

Ahh, the age old battle between shitty playing and ears that work too well for the circumstances. What do we think, readers?

The post Do I Suck For… Cutting Off My Neighbor’s Power Because His Band Practice Sounded Terrible? appeared first on MetalSucks.

Hey everybody, Dave Mustcomplain here. Still on the mend from that quadruple bypass from the other week, not like any of you blue-haired freaks give a shit. Been spending my time catching up on Yellowstone and sharing Charlie Kirk tribute memes on Facebook. Triggered so many libs that I’m now down to only 17 friends, not including my wife Doreen, who keeps bitching at me to stay off social media lest it trigger another episode with the old ticker. I keep telling her if I wanted medical advice I’d call my fucking doctor.

Anyway, that’s how I’ve been occupying my time lately, when I’m fortunate enough to not have to review an album for those godless ne’er-do-wells at MetalSucks. Here’s my review of the new album by Nothingness. Yippee.

Track 1: “Incinerated Immediately”

Ugh, “Godslaughter”? Really, MetalSucks? This is the shit you stick me with just two weeks after I’ve knocked on Death’s door for the fourth time? Didn’t even have time to confess my sins beforehand either, so I avoided having my flesh licked by the flames of Hell for all eternity by the skin of my teeth. Y’all need to get on good terms with Christ before it’s too late.

Track 2: “Convulsing Putrefaction”

I’m starting to think having my tongue pulled out by Lucifer’s unholy legions might be preferable to this shit, though. This song sounds like the goddamn Apocalypse.

Track 3: “Skull Evulsion”

This track didn’t even give me a second to take a breath before starting with those fucking growls. Did they even consider there might be people out there on the mend from heart attacks who are listening to their new album, or are all metalheads just exemplars of physical fitness who don’t have to worry about keeling over because they forgot to take their Metoprolol? Seems exclusionary if you ask me.

Track 4: “Trenchant Glunch”

You know, Doreen and I watched God’s Not Dead the other night. Good flick. Lots of wholesome, Christian lessons that these Satan-worshiping pricks could benefit from. It even had an appearance by some rock band called The Newsboys that I enjoyed. Maybe I’ll rewatch that tonight to cleanse myself of this sin-riddled filth.

Track 5: “Vanquishing Providence”

My dirtbag editor over at MetalSucks said this track stuck out because the opening riff is reminiscent of some band called Incantation, as if that means anything to me. At this point, if a piece of media doesn’t have Kevin Sorbo in it in some shape or form, I’m completely checked out.

Track 6: “Divine Irresponsibility”

This music is horrifying and it’s raising my blood pressure. Better take a breather and eat some of those nasty-ass rice cakes Doreen bought for me. Be right back.

Track 7: “Incredible Violence”

…

Track 8: “Umbral Spear”

OK, I’m back. Think I might’ve missed a song there, which is fucking great. I never thought I’d be grateful that my fat shrew of a wife is force-feeding me this dry-ass rabbit food like I’m the Gluttony victim in Seven, yet here I am.

Track 9: “Novus Hegemonikon”

I have no clue what this title means, but it’s probably not about winning over the other students in your liberal clown college by whooping your atheist professor in a debate about God’s existence. Therefore, it’s not for me.

There we go. Finally done, and do I even need to bother with a star count on this one? I’ve made myself clear.  Hopefully I’ll have my strength back by next week so I can put the fear of God into all of you worthless little turds. Dave Mustcomplain out.

The post DISGRUNTLED DAD REVIEWS With DAVE MUSTCOMPLAIN: NOTHINGNESS – GODSLAUGHTER appeared first on MetalSucks.

Listen, no matter how many times you try and say you won’t buy another limited edition variant of a record you already have at least two copies of – you always will. There’s something about our mammal brain that makes us go, ‘pretty shapez and colorz’ whenever what should be a black LP is in fact any other shade but black. Add glitter, transparency, splatter, designs – shit, pictures? It’s fucking game over. May as well open up a credit card just for vinyl purchases.

And we know – as much as you try to convince your significant other, if you even have one (we’ve noticed that seems to be a rarity with audiophiles), you really don’t actually need it. But it feels good to buy it, receive it in the mail or pick it up at the shop, bring it home, play it exactly once, and put on your shelves, along with all the other one-spin records.

So, here are five releases that made even me, dead in my grave, go ‘pReTtY,’ and consider taking out a second mortgage, because we all know, debt doesn’t actually die with us, right? On this Dropocalypse Friday…

Allt – Ataraxia

You’re telling me, I can get a prog metalcore record in silver – if anything, that sounds about right. I’d completely expect an alt prog band or whatever to want their obscure instrumental styled tunes to be visually represented by a vinyl that is more reminiscent of a flying saucer than anything in their people’s music room (let’s be real here, childhood bedroom).

Silver prog-metalcore album found here.

Convulse – Reflections

Okay, now, we’ve got both silver and splatter? To be fair, the corporate overlords need to keep us financially drained for their own personal benefit, so shit, they may as well give us things that look pretty then, huh? However, I’m not too sure which corporate overlords think that many Convulse fans really know what pretty looks like.

Silver splatter vinyl here.

Future Palace – Resurgence

Now, for a personal favorite of mine for the week purely based on the fact that it is a stunning blue and the album artwork is absolutely stunning. I don’t know who Future Palace is, or what they sound like. But, there’s a pearl on there that’s as shiny as my smooth pea brain and my pea brain likes it. Don’t even get my brain started on the rainbows. Rainbows are always a winner.

Blue is such a nice summer color.

Iconic – II

Right, I know I said silver vinyl is cool, but I think by album two the appeal is lost. However, don’t let that discourage you from ordering the new record as they have a cool ass picture CD for sale, too. Never, ever underestimate late-stage capitalism and all that it is capable of. They’ve designed our brains to be this short-sighted, at this point, just accept they know how we think at this point.

Picture CD also available here.

The Rolling Stones – Jealous Lover

And just when you think you have them figured out – bam! Electric green. And its the Rolling Stones, though I’m not sure that’s nearly as strong of a pull as a bright, fluorescent green print for a 10″ titled, Jealous Lover. Now, that’s some top tier marketing. Can’t sell it on the music? Sell it on concept. Something the Rolling Stones know better than probably anybody.

Green out here.

The post DROPOCALYPSE FRIDAY: Shapes And Colors appeared first on MetalSucks.

Okay, listen up. Your band has no draw, and you’re about to default on your last seven guitar purchases. Why they’re all identical B.C. Rich Warlocks is beyond me. If you had any merch or put out any physical releases, you could hustle hard and start reinvesting in yourself, but we both know you’re incapable of that at this point in your decades-long music career. Sure, you’re only 35, but you’ve been at this forever, and this is the furthest you’ve gotten.

There is, however, hope for you to recoup your losses, and it comes on a sliding scale based on what kind of life you live: selling bodily fluids. And, best part – you don’t even need to do this on the black market if you want to keep things legit.

Plasma is always a hot commodity, and demand stays high because workplace accidents and car wrecks happen all the time. What’s more, I shit you not, you can become a frequent flyer because most major plasma centers have loyalty programs.

Depending on your weight, how often you visit, and the kind of plasma you’re donating (I’m personally a fan of CSL Plasma, but Octapharma might be more your flavor), you can bring in close to $1,000 a month. That means you’ll finally be able to split a one-bedroom apartment with one or two of your bandmates.

Naturally, if you’re working in a creative field, clean piss is always a sure fire moneymaker, but your mileage may vary here. If you’re into the whole “drugs” part of the “sex, drugs, and rock & roll” equation, you probably won’t see much growth in this market. But if you truly want to clean up, unlike most local musicians who still think they’ve got a shot at hitting it big, all you have to do is look for any popular regional band’s triumphant homecoming show. That means the tour is over, and everybody’s probably looking for work or signing a new lease, which means background checks are imminent.

And if you’re one to indulge in the devil’s cabbage, you’ll probably be fine. Everybody’s biting the gummies these days, and thanks to the talent pool being diluted due to the job market being total dogshit, even companies like Amazon are only screening their drivers for Schedule I drugs now. Even then, they’re still pretty lenient.

Are you a little horndog who can’t seem to log off PornHub even on your best day? They have banks for that. That’s right, people will literally collect your splooge for money, and they’ll even set you up in a nice private room with a rack full of analog, amateur smut to make sure everybody gets a bang for the buck.

If you’re willing to go for the gusto and give your old wailing wand the smack attack on the regular, then the sky’s really the limit. 

You just have to be prepared for the existential tradeoff:

You may see some short-term financial gains for your efforts, but 20 years from now you’ll start seeing a bunch of adults who look just like you but will never love you. But I just described your relationship with your parents, so if you’re cool with that, go nuts.

The post NET WORTHLESS With JOHNNY SPREADSHEETS: Bodily Fluids, All Kinds, Can Pad Your Bottom Line appeared first on MetalSucks.

Smokey Goretooth reporting for duty with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done.

This week we have a submission I expected to come through at some point, considering Warped Tour just happened in Long Beach. Read on…

I want to preface with saying that I’m never actually trying to hurt anyone by doing this, but the whole thing has gotten little out of hand. I’ve been seeing a lot of online debate lately about whether or not you have to catch stage divers and crowd surfers when they’re coming your way, and I’m here to say (anonymously) that no, I don’t think you have to, and I certainly don’t anymore.

When I was younger it was much easier. But also, it seemed like back in the day, crowd surfers were people that you could basically throw around like a football. Maybe I’ve just aged out of all my strength, and I’m not body shaming anyone, but now so many people that coming flying off the stage are like 6’5″ and the size of a linebacker or something, and my knees just can’t handle it anymore.

I was at Warped Tour over the weekend, and there were SEVERAL times while I was in the crowd that I straight up moved out of the way or ducked when I saw a surfer heading towards me. It was too hot, and my knees were giving out within the first like three hours of the festival. I’m not sure what everyone wants from me, but if you’re the size of The Undertaker and I see you flying off the stage, I’m doing my best to avoid making any sort of contact with you. At a few different sets at Warped I legit just let people fall. They didn’t all hit the ground, but it definitely made other people have to work harder to have to keep this person afloat, and that is just not the life I want for myself anymore.

Look, I’m in my almost-40’s, and I don’t feel like standing near the front two-thirds of the stage should mean I’m in a contract of getting kicked and punched in the face and covered in all of your ungodly body sweat and viruses just because you don’t want to watch the actual performance and I do. At one point people started to notice how much I was actively avoiding surfers and at times, loudly groaning about their presence. I could tell everyone around me was starting to get annoyed, but I WAS ALSO ANNOYED that I basically paid for heatstrokes and facial injuries when all I wanted to do was see who I came to see.

I’ve seen a few posts online about how they should implement age, weight, and wardrobe restrictions for crowd surfers and I’m honestly starting to agree. Does that make me a sucky person though, or someone who just wants to get back home at the end of the night relatively unscathed?

A hot button debate, surely. As an elder (both in terms of how long I’ve been in the scene AND my actual age) I feel torn. What do you suckers think?

The post Do I Suck For… Not Catching Crowd Surfers On Purpose? appeared first on MetalSucks.

Alright, is this supposed to be some kind of a practical joke or something? Here I am, lying in my hospital bed after my fourth heart attack, and MetalSucks assigns me an article by some band called Left to Die? Hahaha, really fucking funny guys. If my strength wasn’t temporarily reduced to that of a blue-haired barista, I’d drive over to their goddamn office and kick all their asses.

Anyway, the doc said I’d be alright if I cut back on the trans fats and start getting some exercise, and Doreen’s going to stock the fridge with all sorts of bullshit rabbit food to keep me alive forever. Looks like I won’t be working my real job for a couple months, so I’ll be relying on my side hustle as a metal reviewer until I’m back on my feet fulfilling the heating and cooling needs of the fine people of Bloomington. Enough about the current state of my sorry ass, though. Let’s get this Christ-forsaken review out of the way.

Track 1: “Legion of Doom”

I knew I wasn’t going to enjoy this the second I saw that opening title. Well, that and the creepy-ass album cover. What’s up with this goth shit that you creepy fucks are always listening to? If you’re so into cemeteries, why don’t you go live in one? Maybe then the roads would be less congested and it wouldn’t take my entire shitting lunch break to drive to Wendy’s and back.

Track 2: “Archangel”

Not like I’ll be eating any more of it in the foreseeable future, anyway. Personally, I fail to see the correlation between my daily Big Bacon Classic Combo and my recent need for another quadruple bypass, but try telling Doreen that. Ugh, and she’s going to make me eat all sorts of vegetables like some soy-boy liberal for the next few months. Don’t be surprised if I’ve grown a set of tits by next week.

Track 3: “Power of Darkness”

Apparently this band is re-recording the 80s demo songs of some other band called Death, which my editor over at MetalSucks seemed to hold in high regard. Well, if they were so good, how come I didn’t hear them in any of the Iron Eagle soundtracks?

Track 4: “Zombie”

Woof, I just got so excited thinking about those harrowing scenes of Doug Masters stealing the F-16 fighter and rescuing his father that my heart started to palpitate again. I’d better goose this morphine drip a little bit to calm myself down.

Track 5: “Witch of Hell”

You know what? I’m starting to feel a lot better. Even this music is starting to grate on me a little less. It’s got some neat drumming and the vocals are pretty creepy and cool, and I really dig the whammy bar in the guitar solo.

Track 6: “Rise of Satan”

I’m not sure if this is the morphine talking, but I may be a full-on metalhead now. I’m really enjoying this song too, despite its blasphemous lyrics. Eh, if we were all made in the image of God, that includes these Left to Die freaks, so let them belch about how much they love Asmodeus or whatever. I’ll be enjoying it.

Track 7: “Summoned to Die”

Not only are these tunes sounding great, I’m starting to love everything in general. All those past albums I shit on, the godless Democrats up in Chicago, those punk kids on their Huffies who called me a fat bitch in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot last week. Hell, I’ve got love for all of them now. This is great.

Track 8: “Mantas”

I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize for the way I’ve treated the metal community over the past few months. It was wrong of me to hate on your albums, and I truly hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Track 9: “Slaughterhouse”

I think the morphine is starting to wear off, and the nurse just came in to tell me I’m cut off until tomorrow evening. I feel like this euphoria’s fading, too.

Track 10: “Death By Meta”

Ugh, this song’s going to give me another fucking heart attack. I can’t believe I liked it five minutes ago.

There you have it. 2/5 stars. Sorry, my judgment was clouded there for a few songs. Hopefully, I’ll be completely off the dope and back out on the streets raising hell the next time you see me. In the meantime, I’m going to have a talk with my editor about maybe covering an album that doesn’t completely eat its own asshole. Dave Mustcomplain out.

The post DISGRUNTLED DAD REVIEWS With DAVE MUSTCOMPLAIN: LEFT TO DIE – INITIUM MORTIS appeared first on MetalSucks.

Happy hump day, suckers! Smokey Goretooth is back again with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done.

This week’s submission comes from a user named “swift_skipper3,” who’s wondering if they suck for doing something I’m sure we’ve all wanted to do before.

I was on one this weekend. My friends and I went to one of our favorite local dive bars, and something I really like about it is that usually the bartenders are playing their own music and take requests, but there’s one of those touchscreen digital jukebox things there, too. That part only ever sucks when non-regulars come in and put on whatever they want, which is how I ended up in this situation…

A group of youths came in there (they were probably in their early 20s, I am in my 30s), and all of us sitting belly up had never seen them before. The bartender even rolled their eyes, because they knew they were just gonna be annoying. It was obviously they had come from another bar, maybe even more than one, based on how they were acting, and once I saw one of them clock the jukebox I knew we were in trouble.

Not even 10 minutes went by before Taylor Swift was blasting over the speakers. She’s not at all what I (and most of the people who usually go to that bar) want to listen to after we’ve knocked a few back. I always get boilermakers, and at that point I had already had three or four, so I was feeling extra petty. We were on the fifth Taylor Swift song in a row when I decided I had enough.

What many people don’t realize is that if you pay extra, you can skip songs in the queue on the jukebox to play your picks first, and that’s exactly what I did. I was trying to think of what would categorically be the opposite of anything pop-like, and then I thought about one of my favorite Spotify playlists that’s just a grip of hard butt rock from the 90s and 2000s. Next thing I knew, I was loading that bitch up with all of the finest booty rock I could find — Adema, Five Finger Death Punch, Shinedown, and of course, Creed. I”m not even sure how many songs I picked, but I do remember the collective sigh of disappointment that came from the girls in that group, and it was the funniest thing to me at the time.

They thought maybe I had only skipped a couple of their songs, but after like five of my picks played, one of the girls got REALLY upset and starting going on about how much money she put in the jukebox because she really really wanted to listen to Taylor. She said she paid for 21 Taylor Swift songs. 21! There was no way I was going to stand for that, no matter how she wanted to listen to them.

Someone in her group caught me laughing about how upset she was, and came up to me and said how rude I was being because it wasn’t fair that her friend paid for stuff she wasn’t going to hear. I just shrugged my shoulders and took a sip of my beer, which I guess irritated this girl more since she called me an asshole and stormed back to her group. A few minutes later, the group left, and balance was restored again.

Do I really suck for doing this, though? I think it’s worse that girl thought that anyone in that establishment (most of us regulars are metalheads, skaters, punks, bikers, etc.) would want to listen to that much Taylor Swift in a row. Like, come on.

Well, there you have it, folks. Is swift_skipper3 really a sucky asshole for doing this? Personally, as a petty princess, I probably would’ve done the same thing.

The post Do I Suck For… Loading Up The TouchTunes At The Bar With Butt Rock? appeared first on MetalSucks.

Alright, I’ve completely given up hope that MetalSucks is going to assign me a good goddamn album to review. They’re just going to keep pitching yesterday’s partially digested release in my direction, and these reviews are going to get angrier and angrier as a result. You know what? Good. Fucking good.  I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel fantastic to lay into these shitting little brats who consider themselves musicians. Perhaps I would’ve done better by myself to get a job at a classic rock website or something, but you know what they say about hindsight.

Nevertheless, it’d probably be a lot easier on the ticker for me to review Who’s Next or something. And don’t you go bitching to me about their guitarist being a sex pest. People just carelessly throw that accusation around these days; just look at what they’re saying about our President just because he showed up in some silly document a few thousand times. But I digress, here’s my review of the new album by Motionless in White. Ugh.

Track 1: “Decades”

Sweet fucking Christ, I feel like I’m in a goth club scene from a nineties movie, and any second now Blade is going to storm in and kill me with a sword while blood sprays out of the ceiling sprinkler system. Don’t those pricks at MetalSucks give a toss that I’ve got essential hypertension? They’ll be footing the bill when I get my next heart attack, I’ll tell you that much.

Track 2: “log_in//crash_out”

Is this what metal is nowadays? At least AC/DC is still touring.

Track 3: “R.I.P. (feat. Skylar Grey)”

I like this singer’s voice, and I wish there was an accompanying video so I could comment “wow so beautiful AND talented,” but alas, I’m stuck here writing this shit rag. I can already tell this is the least insufferable song on the entire album, and I’ve still got 9 tracks left. Somebody fetch me my bottle of Excedrin.

Track 4: “Fight Like Hell”

I’m going to fight like hell to never hear another Motionless in White song after I finish this fucking article.

Track 5: “Playing God (feat. Corey Taylor)”

Apparently this guy wears a mask and sings in another band, like that’s supposed to mean anything to me. Maybe the mask is to hide his shame at singing this music, in which case, I get it.

Track 6: “All That I’ve Ever Known”

Oof, I’m starting to get some palpitations. This isn’t good.

Track 7: Blood Rave (feat. Anthony Martinez)

I can’t blame it entirely on this garbage music. Doreen’s been nagging at me about all the red meat I’ve been eating, but it’s not my fault those steak nuggets at Arby’s are so good. Been snacking on those tasty little fuckers all week, and I’d been feeling pretty good up until now, despite the fact that I haven’t taken a shit in this calendar month yet.

Track 8: “Love at First Bite”

God, these fucking goths thinking they’re vampires or some bullshit are definitely not helping with this little cardiological episode I’m having. No thank you. I would almost prefer the screaming to this.

Track 9: “Count Back From Zero”

Yeah, I’m pretty sure I should go to the hospital. How many more songs are there?

Track 10: “Blood Pact”

This will be heart attack #4 if that’s what it is, and I’m seasoned enough in that field to be reasonably certain that’s the case. Too bad I’ll be dead because my priorities were with meeting my Metalsucks deadline. My blood is on their hands, and if this music is their thing, they’ll probably try to drink it. Woof, probably good that I’m on the way to meet my Maker.

Track 11: “Afraid of the Dark”

Alright, Doreen just grabbed the keys to my F-150 and is going to drive me to the hospital. Looks like you’re not going to hear my brilliant insight on the “Sunglasses at Night” cover that closes out this dung heap. Try not to look so disappointed.

There you have at it. 0/5, and even worse, I’m probably going to live after having had to listen to it. Shout out to my bitch of a wife for intervening and making sure of that. See you obnoxious shit weasels next week. Dave Mustcomplain out.

The post DISGRUNTLED DAD REVIEWS With DAVE MUSTCOMPLAIN: MOTIONLESS IN WHITE – DECADES appeared first on MetalSucks.

“SYSTEM OF A DOWN’s DARON MALAKIAN Leads Entire Stadium in OASIS Diss.”

Maybe it’s the rise of veganism, or the fact that nowadays ordering red meat from nearly anywhere can give you explosive diarrhoea, but it’s been too long since the music industry has had a good BEEF!

Enter System of a Down, comparing Oasis to a tapeworm that needs to be “pulled out of your ass” while on stage, and then proceeding to get the entire crowd to chant it at full volume! Now, THIS is the kind of petty I can really get behind! This beef is GRADE-A ORGANIC.

Oasis frontman and all-around-bubbly-nice-guy-whos-always-in-a-good-mood Noel Gallagher (no relation to the mustached comedian who destroys waterlemons with a mallet) is actually the one who first threw this beef onto the grill. Or as Noel would say, “Put that beef on the barbie gov’na!”

In the early 2000’s, Noel was quoted as saying System of a Down was the “Shittiest Band of All Time.”

Which, first off, SOAD is one of the sickest, most original bands, who most certainly rock; I mean, have you heard “Chop Suey”?!? If not, listen to it RIGHT NOW, and then listen to my band Nekrogoblikon goblify that song RIGHT HERE!

Second, Noel has clearly never heard of Puddle of Mud, cause if he had, he’d be like, “System of a Down is much better, innit?” I think Noel should be required to come to an SOAD show and experience a WonderWALL OF DEATH! Noel, I hope you WAKE UP, grab a brush and put on a little makeup, cause when you pick a fight with a metal band, today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you!  

Satanic Doo-Wop Duo TWIN TEMPLE Booted From CHARLEY CROCKETT Tour

As a goblin, I love a little mischief, and more so, I love the unexpected.

Well, what if I were to tell you the most unexpected, most mischievous, MOST METAL thing a band could ever do just occurred, and it wasn’t from Slipknot, or even Metallica; it was from a doo-wop duo. “John, what’s a doo-wop duo?”

Guys, I have no fucking idea, but what I do know is this duo known as Twin Temple got booted from some country music festival because why? THEY WERE TOO SATANIC. Give us back the pentagrams, Slayer; we have new DARK LORDS to crown, and they are ready to skat their way into your black hearts.

I used to room with Lucifer back in Chicago, so of course, I texted him about this whole situation, and this is what he sent back: “Gobs! People keep texting me about this, this band rocks and should be allowed the same artistic freedom as every other band! Christian music blows so why can’t music about me also be pretty questionable?! Also, what the fuck is doo-wop? ???????????? P.S you still have my Nintendo Switch!” Straight from the scorching source, the dark lord hath spoken and Twin Temple can doo (wop) whatever they want! 

New System For Tagging AI-Generated Music Introduced

Uh-oh, it’s over AI music makers; they are introducing the scarlet letters to all of your generic-sounding songs about pee pee and poo poo in the style of Morgan Wallen. I just fear this is a slippery slope. Should we mark my band’s songs as MBG: Made by goblins?!? Soon will GWAR have to identify their music as made by galactic warriors?! Wes Borland will be notated as a makeup influencer, and/or Benson Boone as a deeply closeted religious grifter?!? Where does it stop?

Is there actually a difference between a song made entirely by AI and a song sung by Cher whose vocals are made entirely by a robot named Autotune?! If you’re worried about AI impeding on the revenue of your artists who are not AI, maybe you should just put more resources into those human beings on your label who make original music, nuke these gob damn data centers, stop with these half-ass solutions, and invest in GOB DAMN HUMANITY!!! Whoa, so I guess the edibles have kicked in. Alright then, I’m gonna go make an AI song in the style of Garth Brooks about how Taco Bell was giving me explosive diarrhoea before it was cool. – MBG

The post MONDAYSUCKS With JOHN GOBLIKON: Let’s Go Goblin Mode On This Week’s 3 Biggest Metal Headlines appeared first on MetalSucks.

There’s almost no point in even writing an introduction for this one – regardless of what is written, prog fans will already have a four-paragraph rebuttal ready and waiting before I’ve even sent this to my editor. Because somehow, prog fans always know. They just do.

Hence, why this introduction feels pointless. Prog-heads already either know about the release, have bought the release, or are ready to argue that that is not a prog release. Then, throw vinyl into the mix, and the cauldron gets hotter as some fans declare that a release is available in their country, while another says that it isn’t in theirs, so does it actually count?

Prog is simply the most entertaining genre for a multitude of reasons – the conversations it creates, and the strong opinions that it manifests in the process.

So, go on, tell me. You already knew all of this/listened to this/prog, this is not. I know it’s coming.

Haken – in a fever dream

With a recipe of equal amounts dorky and equal amounts spectacular, Haken managed to pull off two often juxtaposing adjectives at the same time rather cohesively to a deliver a solid prog-metal/prog-rock record. It teeters here and there with melody, however there isn’t too much of just about anything. It’s all the right amounts. Grooves, dirty vocals, with a bit of a modern twist, here’s one for the entry-level proggies.

Grab your copy here.

Protest The Hero – Within

This almost feels like a guaranteed description for a Protest The Hero record, but hell, rhythmic shifts and time-switches are a-plenty on this newest offering. Regardless of the predictability (complimentary), it’s their first offering in a couple of years, and it should scratch the itch for the PTH fans that were in desperate need of new music.

Here’s your itch-cream.

If These Trees Could Talk – The Hidden Hand

I’ve saved the best, the most contentious pick, for last as this album sits comfortably between progressive and released last week – but nevertheless, when an instrumental prog record gets thrown into your lap, you know it’s gonna get the people going. Their fourth studio LP, the group from Ohio of all fucking places, pieces together a pretty intricate puzzle.

Prove me wrong.

The post DROPOCALYPSE FRIDAY: So, Ya Like Prog, Do Ya? appeared first on MetalSucks.

Local shows always suck because they want to pay you in drink tickets and exposure while you waste several billable hours at the venue waiting to drill through your 25-minute set. You know the story. Load-in is at 3:00 p.m. You get screamed at by management for showing up five minutes late because there’s nowhere to park. Then you wait. And wait. Twiddling your thumbs, doomscrolling through your feed of music marketing gurus trying to explain why nobody comes to local shows.

Here at Net Worthless, we have the perfect solution that solves two problems at once: become your own ride-share service.

Not only will you probably make more money than you’ve ever earned playing music, you can just bring everybody requesting a ride back to the venue. That’s what the promoters call a “draw.”

Think about how genius this is. You load your gear in, and now it’s the waiting game. Your set doesn’t start for another three hours, parking is absolute dogshit, and there’s nothing productive you can do without risking your spot. So the morning of the show, hang flyers around all the trendy sidewalk cafés advertising your personal ride-share service. Cut out the middleman. Your cell number is the app now.

They don’t need to know your 1994 Toyota Camry hasn’t been detailed, let alone washed, in the last 75,000 miles. They don’t need to know your license has been “temporarily suspended” over those “reckless endangerment” charges that definitely weren’t your fault, but the judge got hung up on technicalities. They only need to know if you can pick them up and drop them off.

Don’t make small talk because you’ll immediately start talking about your band, and nobody wants to hear about that. If they did, you’d have people coming to your shows instead of spending your afternoon burning gas so you can afford more gas. You’re a hamster on a wheel. You’re Sisyphus pushing the boulder uphill. You’re an entrepreneur in the sense that you’re extracting money from strangers without creating anything of value for society.

By our estimation, if you keep your routes hyper-local, you can knock out about a dozen rides before the sound guy shows up and starts screaming at the cables he got covered in Red Dog and tobacco spit the night before. He doesn’t remember he was the one who made the mess, but he’s still furious that somebody has to clean it up.

Once you get into a rhythm, you can branch out into food delivery, but this is where you need to be careful. Without a payment platform, you’re relying on complete strangers to reimburse you. A smarter move is to raid your pantry before heading to the venue and turn your glove compartment into a cash-only convenience store.

Handful of Cheez-Its? Five bucks.

Half-smoked Pall Mall sitting in the ashtray that’s somehow also wet? Twenty-five cents a drag.

You have to monetize every square inch of the vehicle.

If you really want to maximize your earning potential, book your solo acoustic project as the opener for your full band. The promoter only has to text one musician to exploit twice, and now your ride-share customers can enjoy two opportunities to ignore your music. That’s synergy.

If you play your cards right and book the gig on dollar draft night, you’ll clean up after your set because everybody’s going to need a ride home. Collect payment up front, roll through their apartment complex, and gently encourage each passenger to exit while the vehicle is still in motion.

Sure, operating an unlicensed ride-share service out of a 30-year-old Camry might eventually attract the attention of local authorities. But until those fines start rolling in, you’ll finally know what it feels like to leave a local show with 50 dollars in your pocket.

The post NET WORTHLESS With JOHNNY SPREADSHEETS: Got Time To Kill Between Sets? Now, You’re A Ride Share Driver appeared first on MetalSucks.

Rise and shine, suckers! Smokey Goretooth is back again with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done.

This week, we have a story from a user calling themselves “Am0rph1sMor0n,” who definitely doesn’t have his own way with words.

Me and my girlfriend have kinda been going through it lately. Not anything massive concerning or anything like that, we just don’t get to spend as much time together as we used to and we’ve been getting in little fights because of it. We also haven’t gotten dirty with each other in forever, which I think is just making things worse. She’s gotten on me several times in the past for not being the most romantic guy and not doing little stereotypical shit like getting her flowers randomly and stuff, so I figured I’d try it out after a fight we got into this week.

I had flowers sent to her, but I didn’t even think about the fact that there’s a little card that usually goes along with it. I know her and I know that if I didn’t send a card at all that it would probably cause some other turmoil, so part of me was thinking about abandoning the mission all together, but then this one song popped in my head that I got an idea.

“You I Need” by Amorphis came to mind, that introductory keyboard lick got louder and louder in my head and I thought ‘oh, this is a pretty sappy song,’ and I started typing out some of the lyrics in the form of a poem I guess, but chopped and screwed up so it seemed more original. I don’t remember the exact way I reworked it but it was something like:

“I don’t need a bow, I don’t need a sword
I need you to be the guide
My mirror to the sky and sea
I need to have your words
Like a king has his moon
A queen has her sun
You make my song go on”

I have no idea what compelled me to actually hit send, but I did. Not along after everything got delivered, I got the most excited voice note from her (I was in class) probably ever. We finally had sex later that night for the first time in a long time, so I knew I did something right.

The problem is, she knows I don’t use AI or any of that shit, so she thinks this is like a real poem I wrote. She was going on and on to her friends about it, showing them the card and saying how romantic I really am and how she didn’t know I had this “talent for words deep inside me.” She kept saying how she wants me to give her flowers and write her poems more often now. She said she wants “a surprise, but one that comes once a month,” so now I feel all this pressure and I don’t know what to do.

Should I come clean and tell her that, save for me adding in some “my’s” and “you’s,” that those words came from the depths of a Finnish prog band? Or should I just try and keep using song lyrics with a little twist so that she doesn’t figure out I’m just straight copying? We don’t really listen to that much of the same music, and any of the metal she does listen to she says she doesn’t understand what they’re saying anyway so it would probs be pretty easy to get away with.

Do I suck for tricking her like this?

Well, at least his heart was in the right place? As a woman, I feel like this could DEFINITELY blow up in his face, so I hope he sends an update with the aftermath.

Does “Am0rph1sMor0n” suck for being a love con?

The post Do I Suck For… Using AMORPHIS Lyrics To Get Laid? appeared first on MetalSucks.

OK, I just got back from the MetalSucks office, and some words were exchanged regarding my displeasure over the albums they’ve been having me cover as of late. Things got a little heated, and I’ll fully admit that some of the language I employed was a bit crass. I normally don’t lose my head like that, unless it’s something serious like when my neighbor Ken’s shit-weasel son plays ding-dong ditch on my front door, or when I disapprove of what the person in front of me at the Piggly Wiggly is using food stamps to purchase. At any rate, I’ll be the bigger man and admit some of the things I said to my editor were, at best, inappropriate, and at worst, threatening and maybe even criminal.

I won’t apologize for taking a shit in their bathroom sink, though.

That was just good clean fun, and honestly, it was nothing compared to what I may or may not have done previously – and for legal reasons, will not elaborate further.

Anyway, cooler heads prevailed, and I was permitted to review an album without any of that goddamn screaming for once. Thank fucking Christ.

Here’s the new album by If These Trees Could Talk.

Track 1: “Archons”

I don’t know about you, but when I see an opening track that’s only a minute or two long, I’m hitting the skip button. I’m a busy man, and I’m finally taking Doreen to the botanical gardens this afternoon after years of putting up with her bitching about it. Husband of the year, over here. So yeah, let’s move on to the next track.

Track 2: “Moon Machine”

What the fuck is up with this song title? Sounds real hippie-ish to me, which is something I absolutely will not countenance in my column. Take a look at our beautiful country right now. I think it’s pretty clear that the hippies lost.

Track 3: “Sea of Glass”

While this definitely isn’t my bag, I am enjoying not having to put up with another singer upchucking into the microphone. It’ll be nice to finally finish up a column without having to reach for Doreen’s Excedrin Migraine afterwards. Doctor said I shouldn’t be taking that shit, anyway, on account of all the damage I’ve done to my liver with my drinking over the years, as if I give a flying fuck what that dweeb things.

Track 4: “Blurry Creatures”

I mean… it’s better pretend to like this though, or MetalSucks is going to assign me some more screamy nonsense.

Track 5: “Silence Between Mountains, Pt. 1”

This is fantastic, and I’m super interested in whatever the fuck that song title means! I definitely wouldn’t prefer listening to Ted Nugent on my porch while drinking a Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy over reviewing this!

Track 6: “Silence Between Mountains, Pt. 2”

I think I get it. Is the music supposed to sound like that pensive, awe-inspired feeling that washes over you when you find yourself in the sprawling majesty between the peaks of mountain ranges? Just kidding. You really think I’m capable of feelings like that?

Track 7: “Metanoia”

Didn’t Rush have a song about trees talking with one another, or something like that? I’d be able to tell you for sure, but I don’t care enough to remember.

Track 8: “Flim”

I love how this song doesn’t make me want to eat a fucking shotgun. If I weren’t enjoying it so much, I’d tell you how I’m almost looking forward to the botanical garden because they hopefully won’t be playing it there, but I’m having a great time now, so of course I’m not going to do that.

Track 9: “Endlessly Connected”

Last track. It’s less than three minutes, so can I just skip it like I did with the first one? I think I will and just hope to hell that nobody notices.

There you have it. Uhhhh, 3/5 stars. Had a great time. You see that, MetalSucks? Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for me to go look at some flowers so my wife will shut the fuck up for once. Dave Mustcomplain out.

The post DISGRUNTLED DAD REVIEWS With DAVE MUSTCOMPLAIN: IF THESE TREES COULD TALK – THE HIDDEN HAND appeared first on MetalSucks.

Introduce your kid to metal, thinking they’d grow up liking Death Angel, Black Sabbath, or Iron Maiden, but instead, they grew up to like the shit-for-brains sceney-bopper music that has no right passing itself off as metal? Damn, that’s a rough one. Sorry you still have to go to your Metallica gigs alone, and in addition, you also get to see bands like Motionless In White, Bring Me The Horizon, and Bad Omens. Chances are, you’d rather go to a million gigs on your own for the rest of your life than ever step foot in a ‘metalcore’ show again. So, why don’t we offer you a few alternatives to keep your sceney-bopper happy, and off your case?

And next time they ask you to go to a show with them, you can turn to their mom and say, ‘I just bought them a record. You can take them to the show.’ It takes a team to raise a kid with a shit taste in music. My parents traded off gigs for this very reason. So, take a nugget of wisdom from the kid who knows a thing or two about shitty music.

Bring Me The Horizon – Count Your Blessings (Repented)

I’ll never forget my mom walking into my room when I was listening to the original Count Your Blessings back when I was 13, and asking me: “What is that shit?” Well, Mom, I’ll have you know that this ‘shit’ is now one of the most famous modern metal bands at the moment, and decided to rerecord their shitty record from 2006, just to make it less shitty by today’s standards. However, there are enough controversial lyrics on this record to make it one of the less offensive choices on this list – for you, that is.

Pick it up here.

DevilDriver – Strike And Kill

See – this isn’t even a bad record. It’s just been talked about a lot, and we all know scene kids are desperate to be noticed, so why not give them a record people have noticed? Maybe in turn, it’ll make them feel more noticeable? (When in reality, they’re just hopping on a bandwagon they’re too young to fully grasp the splendor of.) Who knows. This might also be a purchase, or rather the only purchase on this list, that you can benefit from. Because you’ll actually enjoy this one.

Get your paws on this one here.

My Chemical Romance – The True Lives Of The Fabulous Killjoys (Deluxe Edition)

Listen, we know we’re ripping on these records quite a bit. But this is the last record you buy on this list – for your own sake. While it may make your shitty teenager slightly less shitty for a day or two, the weeks of listening to this shitty record on their shitty vinyl player may be the straw that breaks your already-strained back. If you opt for this one, you’re either a really crap parent and need the brownie points, or you’re a masochist. But, the two options don’t need to be mutually exclusive either.

We’ve warned you.

The Plot In You – The Plot In You

Who wouldn’t want to buy their teenager a vinyl where three thirds of it have already been out for months, if not years – and it’s one you’ve already heard. Honestly, maybe as masochistic of a choice as My Chemical Romance, this one is closing out the band’s numerous-EP chapter in which they released nothing but EPs. You’ve probably heard all of them at this point. Who knows. All sceney-bopper music sounds the same to you.

Check it out.

The post DROPOCALYPSE FRIDAY: For The Sceney-Boppers In Your Life appeared first on MetalSucks.

Trying to get a leg up as a touring musician? Are you tired of paying a 25% merch fee to venues so you could set up a beer pong table and sling your t-shirts and stickers? Has the door guy once again walked away with more cash in his pocket than your band because he’s been feeding his nose with door money? The harsh reality is that when you’re traveling across the country to get your music out to the world, the house always wins. If you want to get ahead in this industry, then you need to stack the deck! 

The best way to get a leg up after months on the road is by trashing your van and committing insurance fraud. You’ve already redlined every single one of your credit cards, and you need to recoup your funds. We’re going to get into the best practices to make sure that your band gets out of the red, into the black, and probably on a couple of watch lists if you don’t cover your tracks because this is absolutely a felony. 

Lie about how much your gear is worth 

You really can’t cash in on your insurance policy if your gear isn’t worth dick. Sure, maybe you bring your stage-bangers on the road, but those premium guzzling fat cats won’t pay top dollar for your entry-level Ibanez if it goes missing. The most practical workaround here is to take a lot of photos of your stage show when a more expensive backline is being shared. There’s an even bigger payday in it for you if you can borrow somebody’s PRS or Warwick for a set. That way, after you trash your own gear and set your van on fire, you can present the photos with your insurance claim, and say that it was your equipment. 

If your insurance agent asks you about the serial numbers, just tug at your collar and laugh it off, and hopefully you won’t spend a year in jail. 

Make it look convincing

Now that you’ve already gathered your “documents,” you’re already well on your way to committing fraud at the highest level. The best approach is to drive to a remote area, beat the absolute shit out of your van, walk to the nearest town, and call an Uber to the nearest motel with WiFi so you could start making some phone calls.

Have some fun with this one! You’ve been eating gas station hot dogs for months, and you probably smell like shit because you’re not due to stop at the laundromat for another week or two. Get creative, and channel your rage. Think about all of the times that your parents told you that you’re wasting your life by pursuing your dreams, how they’re probably right, and start slamming. Grab some tire-irons, and just go to town! Bonus points if you could graffiti tag your van with the insignia of a rival band before leaving the scene of the crime. 

Cover your Tracks 

Now that you’ve committed the fraud, you need to realize that you’re only as strong as your weakest link. You might want to brag, and some parties involved may even have a guilty conscience. If you successfully rake in some serious dough, you might want to put some money aside to either keep everybody quiet, or to pay your legal fees. 

Always have a backup plan

When all else fails, or if you’re feeling a little iffy about filing a false claim, just set up a GoFundMe instead. The legal repercussions are a lot less severe, and people love dishing out their cash for stupid bullshit as long as it makes them feel good. 

* DISCLAIMER: MetalSucks does not encourage or endorse criminal behavior in any way shape or form. For those unable to tell this entire piece, this is satire.

The post NET WORTHLESS With JOHNNY SPREADSHEETS: How To Upgrade Your Backline By Wrecking Your Van appeared first on MetalSucks.

Smokey Goretooth reporting for duty with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done.

This week, we have a story from a user calling themselves “shit_dick_energy,” who basically ghosted someone in live action.

I like to think of myself as a pretty open person, but there’s only so much I know I’ll be able to tolerate, especially when it comes to my ears. I’ve been trying to date again which is already an unenjoyable experience, but the last date I went on kinda makes me want to delete my apps and be alone forever.

To be fair, I should’ve guessed that me and this guy wouldn’t be fully aligned with our tastes. When I came across his profile it was pretty obvious how different we were — he went to a good school, has a lot of dude-bro friends, it seems like his family actually loves him—ya know, things that are entirely opposite of my life. But he seemed funny and claimed he likes “big titty goth girls,” of which I am, so I figured we could work something saucy out.

The thing is, I couldn’t get past the music he likes. It’s pretty obvious the kinda shit I listen to and I had a few bands listed on my profile (The Cure, Type O Negative, Kittie), but he didn’t have anything on his. I should’ve asked him before we even met up but figured it’d be good first date chatter, and that was definitely a mistake.

We’re sitting at the table waiting for our food so I take my chance to ask. Without even taking a breath, he starts going off about how many times he’s seen Red Hot Chili Peppers and Three Days Grace throughout the years. I think he also brought up how he listens to a lot of Christian rock (and not like Skillet type stuff, but like legit radio worship rock) and at that point I think my vision tunneled out. I really like taking road trips and I think it’s mean to hog the aux, but the thought of having to listen to any combination of the artists he mentioned, or ones that sound like them, made me want to hit myself in the head with a hammer.

I just couldn’t do it. I waited until after our food came and we ate some, but then I excused myself to the “bathroom,” which means I dipped the fuck outta there. The way the place was set up, the bathrooms were kinda by where the server’s station was and there was a wraparound area that led to a back exit. I dropped by the service station and paid for my own food and just, left. I walked out, called an Uber, and blocked him.

I know this isn’t the nicest thing to do, but it seemed better than totally tearing this dude apart because of how terrible I think his taste is. At one point he was scrolling through his Spotify showing me some of the playlists he made, and he was excited to show me his “sexy time” one. I zoned out but I remember seeing Finger Eleven and Thousand Foot Krutch on it. There is NO way I’m hooking up with a dude while listening to that. Just, no.

Do I suck for leaving like that?

Well, suckers, there you go. How would you handle shit_dick_energy‘s situation? It makes her username make all the more sense now and really, does anyone actually want to get fingered to Finger Eleven?

The post Do I Suck For… Walking Out On a Date Because He Liked Lame Music? appeared first on MetalSucks.

Hey everyone, Dave Mustcomplain here.

I had a banner fucking weekend celebrating this great country’s 250^th birthday. Had my neighbor Stan over and we got shitfaced on margaritas while blasting Jimmy Buffet’s greatest hits until his dipshit kid blew the tip of his finger off with a firecracker. Had to drive the stupid little fucker to the emergency room and everything, and let me tell you, careening down 51 is even tougher than usual when you’ve got the spins and are seeing double. Managed to get there in one piece, though (well, Stan and I did, at least, can’t say the same for his son). Thank Christ for small miracles, because there are a lot of bad drivers out there.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there, because I’m back here doing this bullshit, and MetalSucks has me reviewing the new album by some band called Coprolith. Never heard of them, but Google tells me they’re from Canada. Goddamnit, MetalSucks, where’s your sense of patriotism? And just after the 4^th, no less. Shitting libs will leap on any opportunity to spit in the faces of our Founding Fathers.

Track 1: “Sentenced to the Grave”

Hmm, something tells me these guys aren’t the margarita-drinking type. How do you suppose they celebrate whatever godless fuckery Canada has in lieu of the 4^th of July? I’m guessing some sort of depraved occult rituals involving child sacrifice, like the kind of shit the left does (according to Fox News, at least, and I know they’ve never misinformed their viewers). This music’s giving me the willies.

Track 2: “Putrescence”

I feel like I’m trapped inside a horror movie listening to this, and that is definitely not the type of vibe I’m looking to get from my tunes. You think Stan and I felt like we were about to get hacked up by some human skin-mask wearing psychopath while we were jamming to Come Monday and chowing down on burgers and dogs? Fuck no. I mean, it certainly would’ve behooved his kid to have had some sense of self-preservation before he held onto that M-60 for too long, but that’s not important.

Track 3: “Defiling Incantation”

Look, all I’m saying is that it wouldn’t hurt these guys to maybe tone it down and sing a couple songs about partying and getting laid. You think Bret Michaels got his own stellar reality dating show by growling about being sodomized by Belial? Fuck no. He put on his bandana, tuned his axe to standard, and watched the ladies fight over his bird, as it should be in rock’n roll.

Track 4: “Birthed by Remorseless Flames”

Here we go with that horror movie sounding shit again. That’s just not my style. I’m more of a Clint Eastwood or Jean Claude Van Damme guy. Good actors with good politics, and nary a poltergeist-infected graveyard or extra-dimensional being with pins in his head in any of their flicks. Hell, I don’t even want to know what this song’s about, but I’d be willing to bet dollars to donuts you wouldn’t see The Man With No Name acting in a movie about it.

Track 5: “Another Skull to Claim”

See what I mean? No thank you. I’m going to have to listen to some Georgia Satellites before I hit the sack tonight to make sure I don’t have any nightmares.

Track 6: “Possessed by Violent Incoherent Suggestions”

Oh no, is this album giving me subliminal messages to kill people, like that Ozzy Osbourne song back in the eighties? Fuck man, I do not like the look of that title, and I wouldn’t even know if this song was playing forwards or backwards. I’d better put an end to this review while I still have my wits about me.

There you have it. 0/5 stars. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go finish my 4^th celebration without any more interruptions from shit-for-brains preteens who haven’t figured out how to handle explosives yet. Dave Mustcomplain out.

The post DISGRUNTLED DAD REVIEWS With DAVE MUSTCOMPLAIN: COPROLITH – PUTRESCENCE appeared first on MetalSucks.

I wanted to take the time to reflect on what this journey has been like and on the impact my band has had over the last twenty years, going from relative obscurity to the world’s premier goblin metal band. It’s hard to imagine a world without Goblin Metal, yet twenty years ago, that’s what life was like here on Earth. Also wild to think we are now too old to go on a date with Leonardo DiCaprio, but here we are!

The story goes that twenty years ago, in a small apartment in Palo Alto, California, a couple of long-haired dudes with no friends, dressed in all black, decided to form a band and write songs exclusively about the real heroes of the creature realm: Goblins. Their obsession with my culture grew alongside their musicianship, and soon an entire album of wall-to-wall bangers was forged in the darkness: GOBLIN ISLAND. Now, I’ve never been to said island; I’m not really one for the water or cruises, imagine being stuck on a floating mall with nothing but a buffet without sneeze guards that reeks of sunscreen – NO THANKS. 

Eventually, they began adding humans to this band and took their talents south. Not too far south, I’m talking going from Northern California to Southern California, they ain’t exactly Magellan! Come to think of it, I don’t really know many details beyond this Wikipedia page I just pulled up, so why don’t we skip ahead to the most important part: ME!

I remember stumbling into my favorite dive bar in the valley; there on stage was that very band, screaming, and growling their balls off about all things green. I was instantly smitten. I began to shake both my humps, and soon I couldn’t help myself; I entered the pit… which at the time was just me and one other guy who kept shouting at me, “Please stop pushing me, I’m just the janitor!” Psh, wuss. I could see the band’s eyes widen on stage; it was clear they had never seen a real goblin before. I mean, just imagine you spend months writing songs about something, and then it manifests in front of you?! That’d be like Limp Bizkit playing a show, and suddenly there is a Nookie and a Cookie in a circle pit! 

After the show, the band approached me, stuttering and awestruck; they asked me if they could document a little of my life and set it to one of their songs. I told them I had work the next day, but they insisted that wasn’t an issue and that I wouldn’t even know they were there. So I agreed, and the following day they never left my side without recording it. They got my morning routine, me selling my buns off at work, talking to my crush, me ripping a bong, and soon me ripping the face off of my boss, Brad. Allegedly. This was set to one of their songs, NO ONE SURVIVES, released on their YouTube channel, and that’s when everything changed.

I went to sleep that night as an obscure goblin who worked at a mid-tier life insurance company in Reseda, California, and I woke up a beloved, internet-famous goblin who was about to begin his meteoric rise in both the music and entertainment industry, and I was going to do it alongside the premier goblin-metal band, Nekrogoblikon. The band asked me to join. Yeah, I couldn’t believe it; they asked me when I wanted to start playing shows with them; the answer was easy: “RIGHT NOW!” They made me an offer I couldn’t refuse: “Tour with us for free!” and the rest is history. 

Over the next decade-plus, we played shows all over the world with bands from all backgrounds: Pirates, Dragons, Cartoons (Dethklok), and whatever GWAR is! I thought I was living my dream, but if you can believe it, things got even better. I was handed my own talk show, aptly titled RIGHT NOW, where I interview my favorite musicians, comedians, and actors! Everything was coming up goblin! Then the craziest thing happened: not only did the band start letting me onto the bus for short spurts (only when it was hailing), but they ASKED ME TO BECOME THE LEAD SINGER. All those years of not taking voice lessons were finally going to pay off, and I got to do it across from my new best friend, Dickie Allen of Infant Annihilator (and 27 other bands he started). I thank Gob every day that I get to live out my dream alongside a band of human men who I’ve come to know so well, all seven of them… or is there eight? I literally have no idea. 

So how does one celebrate 20 years of blood, sweat, and beers? With a headlining tour across North America, DUH! So that we may see all the amazing new fans we have gained over twenty years, and more importantly, say hi to those who have rocked with us since day one, and melt their face off one last time… wait, I know you’re thinking, “LAST?!?” Is this it? No, I just wanted to make sure you were still reading! GOTCHA! We are like a Cockroachlikon, we will never die. 

To that I say, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NEKROGOBLIKON! Cheers to 20 years, and cheers to 20 more! 

* Though it should be noted if we do go on for another 20 years that will be in large part due to me and my sex appeal, so I think me finally getting a bunk bed on the bus would be well warranted, maybe we should discuss this further? Like, I keep emailing that lawyer you told me about, but he keeps responding that it’s not a Law office; it’s in fact, an Arby’s? LMK. 

The post MONDAYSUCKS With JOHN GOBLIKON: NEKROGOBLIKON Turns 20, And Now We Are Too Old For LEONARDO DICAPRIO! appeared first on MetalSucks.

We know, we know – it’s a bank holiday weekend, so let’s make it snappy. There are beers to be had, hot dogs to be grilled, weed to be smoked, fireworks to be set off, and fingers to be blown to smithereens by said-fireworks – all of the above, in that precise order. We get it.

If there’s several things Americans are being known for is: impatient, noisy, and oblivious… Thank God, we’re not talking about you, dear reader, are we?

Regardless, the 4th of the July is the perfect day for Americans for a trifold of reasons – certainly not the aforementioned ones – and figured we’d either give you a few ideas for music other than “Born In The USA” and “Rocking In The Free World” for Independence Day to soundtrack your perfect day to, whatever it may look like.

Here’s what this latest week in this capitalistic hellscape is offering us on Dropocalypse Friday.

Death Angel – The Ultra Violence

Teeing up with a strike from Death Angel to help completely distract any and all fathers – or, sperm donors, however you want to look at it – at any family gathering, this one should go over especially well with the men over 40 who have already downed several beers before someone suggests breaking out the $2,000 record player on the 4th. Don’t expect this vinyl back in one-piece, or without fingerprints or a scratch or two. Or honestly, even at all. Chances are it got destroyed when your uncles got into a drunken fist-fight over who got to flip the LP to the B-side.

Grab it at your local independent store.

Deep Purple – Splat!

If you have relatives over the age of 75 that are still alive, I have three things to say to that. One, good for them! Two, you poor, bastard, you. Three, this should pacify the babies that the elderly are considering how much they whine and feel entitled to other people’s lives when it was never on offer. Not looking to hear about politics from your 82-year-old grandfather who hasn’t been in the workforce in the last 20 years? Splat! should either shut him up, or tune him out nicely. Depends on how tone-deaf – or just deaf – he is.

Save yourself a two-hour long headache conversation here.

Moonspell – Far From God

Feeling like a vampire whose family died centuries ago (when in reality you just haven’t spoken to your folks in over a decade) this coming holiday weekend? Well, you may as well soundtrack your weekend like one whose did for your solitary weekend alone. This time I say, you lucky, bastard, you. Three days alone, with no one to bother you? Fuckin’ sign me up. The older I get, the more being a vampire who lives alone in a castle on a mountain sounds less psychotic, and more like a spa-break.

Enjoy your bliss.

Motörhead – Kiss Of Death

Don’t have the option of sitting alone this Independence Day while your wife hosts festivities? Make it an option by buying the biggest fucking boxset you can, wife be damned, and make sure to tell the first person you see walk through the door on July 4th about the most extravagant purchase you made, and you must show them every single song in the boxset. No one will go near you, or your music room now. I promise.

Treat yourself.

The post DROPOCALYPSE FRIDAY: To Keep You Occupied This Freedom Weekend appeared first on MetalSucks.

These days, you have to more than fake it to make it, and typically speaking, it all boils down to personal branding. You have to be a content creator. You have to make every single person on Instagram and TikTok guess which person in your band is actually the drummer, and which of you are faking it. In most cases, it’s the one person who doesn’t play the drums like a total fuckwit.

You need to do reaction videos, review food in your car, schedule three posts a day across all social platforms, share them in your stories, let people share your posts in their stories, and share the stories you’re tagged in that were sourced from your original post.

At some point, you actually have to practice your instrument, and then you need to post the screenshot of your Notes app that’s a wall of text about how you need to pause the project for your mental health.

Gaming the algorithm is serious business, but you’re overthinking it. You want to get pushed to the top of the feed? You have to think outside the box and accept the fact that all and any engagement is your meal ticket out of whatever bullshit sucky town you live in.

The “You Can’t Hear It” Method

Long gone are the days where you can drop a single song ahead of an album’s release because you need to release every single song one-by-one to let the algorithm know you’re coming. By the time your long-anticipated album is finally out there (big things coming, amiright?), everybody already heard the whole thing and they’re no longer interested.

It’s counterintuitive because in order to let streaming services know that people want to hear your music, you need to give them music to listen to in advance. The problem is that you gave away the farm, and repackaged it as groups of singles, EPs, and finally, the final product, which everybody knew would suck well enough in advance thanks to your release strategy.

Congratulations, you shot yourself in the foot.

Next time, don’t release anything at all, but spend six months posting cryptic teaser clips where nobody can actually hear the song. Put a filter over it. Add crowd noise. Talk over the intro. Cut away right before the riff hits. Caption every post, “Wait until you hear this one.”

They won’t.

Every comment asking, “Can we hear the actual song?” counts as engagement. Every angry “This sounds like shit because I can’t hear it” is engagement. Every boomer who accidentally comments “WHAT?” because they think Instagram is customer support is engagement.

Congratulations. You’re trending.

Rage Bait Your Own Fanbase

You know who’s holding your career back? Your fans.

They’re not supporting you at all. They click Like and move on. That’s worthless. What you need is discourse.

Post a picture of your pedal board with the delay pedal at the end of the signal chain. Say the Epiphone Grabber is superior to the original Gibson model. Claim that the snare on St. Anger was actually ahead of its time. Tell everybody that blast beats are overrated and that the greatest metal drummer of all time is the guy from Imagine Dragons.

Watch the comments pour in.

Remember, Spotify pays fractions of a cent per stream. But some guy writing a 1,700-word Facebook comment explaining why you’re an idiot? All eyes on you, baby.

Manufacture A Scandal

Real controversies are risky. Fake ones are scalable.

Announce you’re breaking up.

Twenty-four hours later, clarify that you meant you’re breaking up with your old logo.

The following week, unveil a new logo that’s identical except the sword points slightly farther to the left.

Watch three generations of fans declare that you’ve betrayed the legacy of a band that’s been around for eighteen months.

Become Impossible To Ignore

The algorithm doesn’t know the difference between admiration and irritation. It only knows that people stopped scrolling to pay attention to your face.

That’s why the smartest move isn’t writing a better riff. It’s filming yourself explaining the riff using the wrong technical terms in five separate vertical videos, reacting to someone else’s reaction to the riff, ranking your own riffs, posting a crying selfie because the riff “didn’t connect,” and then announcing the riff has been remixed, remastered, and reimagined before it’s even officially released.

Is any of this healthy?

Absolutely not.

Will it make you a better musician?

Also no.

But somewhere in Silicon Valley, a server just decided you’re interesting, and honestly, that’s about as close to success as any of us are getting.

The post NET WORTHLESS With JOHNNY SPREADSHEETS: All Engagement Is Good Engagement, Something Something, Algorithm appeared first on MetalSucks.

Ah shit, here we go again.

It’s Smokey Goretooth back with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done.

This week, we have a story from an anonymous user who offers up two different reasons as to why they COULD be an asshole, but I’ll let you readers decide.

I’m definitely not a capitalist, and I’m not mass producing any of the stuff I’m about to talk about. So far I’ve only done this two times and I don’t really want to make too much of a habit out of it, but I honestly think it’s really funny.

My father-in-law is a MAGA asshole who likes shitty MAGA-supporting asshole artists like Kid Rock and Aaron Lewis. He’s kinda hard to shop for when it comes to gifts other than the typical “dad” things like tools or whatever, but he’s got all of that stuff. I know how to screen print shirts and I like drawing and all that, so when my FIL’s birthday came around last year I knew my best bet was to make him a shirt instead of buying one and potentially giving money to these shitheads. Last year I made him one that had Kid Rock on it, but I hid little Easter eggs in the design that if you were to look up close at it, you’d be able to tell include little bits and things that aren’t really favorable of them. At least, not in a way that any self-respecting person would think.

This year, I made him an Aaron Lewis shirt since it seemed pretty timely with him being in the news more for all the dumb shit he says. My FIL talks about him a lot and always agrees with whatever comes out of his mouth and it drives me insane. He can’t see very well, and neither can my MIL, so for this design I included different sayings in really small print. Things like ‘I kill coyotes for 45‘ and ‘I voted for Trump and all I have to show for it is this small penis.‘ Ya know, pretty innocent yet really applicable things. I drew the art for the shirt and included the sayings masked as little swirls and things in the design.

My husband has seen both shirts but also isn’t a fan of either of the artists so he didn’t really look at them in detail. My FIL wears them both often, but it doesn’t seem like anyone has noticed yet that I’m openly talking shit on them and essentially making my FIL look like a dumbass if anyone were to find out. But I really don’t feel that bad because both of these artists are terrible people who make shitty music and support terrible people. No one’s making any money off of this, so it’s really a win-win for everyone involved — my FIL gets a gift he likes and will hopefully shut up and be a nice person for like a week, and I get to enjoy one of my favorite hobbies even more. Plus, it’s not really my fault that no one is actually paying attention enough to notice just how special my designs are. Both shirts have been a hit so far so part of me is thinking of just making it a regular thing throughout the years until I run out of ideas and, considering how we’re finding out that basically everyone is terrible, I don’t think I’ll run out of lame artists to make shirts for anytime soon.

Do I suck for doing this?

The post Do I Suck For… Making My Father-In-Law Bootleg Merch? appeared first on MetalSucks.