* merely human *

Little Thing 337: In Between Opinions

2026-04-16T09:14:00.000+08:00

I had a conversation with someone recently, and it’s been sitting with me ever since.

We talked about relationships; trust, emotional maturity, boundaries. The kind of topics that sound simple until you actually try to define them. It wasn’t a debate and it wasn’t an agreement either. Just a back-and-forth of opinions, hypotheticals, and quiet disagreements. Nothing was resolved, but something stayed.

Human emotion is a complicated terrain. We like to believe we can understand others, but we’re always looking through the lens of our own experiences, our own biases, our own wounds. True neutrality is rare and maybe even impossible. At some point, we choose what we stand for; our values, our beliefs, the things that shape us into who we are. And if we don’t choose, we just drift.

But before that choice, there’s a phase I’m starting to appreciate more. The in-between. The space where you don’t take a side yet; where you let ideas sit, where you examine patterns, question assumptions, and allow new inputs to exist without immediately filtering them through what you already believe. That’s what those conversations felt like. Not arguments to win, but controlled collisions. A way of thinking out loud. The intention wasn’t to prove a point, but to understand the structure of someone else’s.

I’ve always believed communication is one of the most important skills you can have. But lately, I think there’s something just as important, maybe even more honest: the ability to see patterns. Because words are easy but consistency is not. If you want to understand someone, don’t just listen to what they say. Watch what they repeat because people don’t change as easily as we like to think. They can try, they can improve, they can make an effort, but the core of who they are tends to stay. I know this because I see it in myself. Every version of “better” me is still, me, just more intentional.

So listen to what they say, but more importantly, observe their action.

At the end of that conversation, she said something simple.

“Stop and ask why people do what they do. If you were in their position, what reasons would make it make sense?”

And that stayed with me. Because when you actually try to step into someone else’s perspective, something shifts. Not always. Sometimes you still disagree but sometimes, your certainty softens. Your judgment loosens its grip. Slowly, things that felt black and white start to blur.

Mmm.

Maybe understanding isn’t there to change my mind, maybe it’s there to slow me down before I decide.

That's Howl, true self hidden in his own curse

Little Stories 327: The Shortcut Mind

2026-04-09T08:30:00.001+08:00

I have a confession to make: I love hot showers.

I can’t do cold water. Since I moved a couple of years ago, my rented apartment has a hot shower, and I’ve been using it ever since. My electric bill has never even reached RM40, so don’t judge me. This is the one luxury I give myself, unapologetically, every single day. Until last weekend.

Every time I turned on the switch, the hot shower didn’t work. So for the past four days, I had to use cold water. Automatically, I was reminded of the first week I moved in. The hot shower didn’t work back then either, the technician came and fixed the switch. So for the past four days, I kept telling myself I needed to call the technician again. It must be the same problem. Until this morning.

While showering, I lingered on the problem and asked myself: What if it’s not the switch for the shower, but something else? What if a switch on the main board tripped? So I checked the main electrical board. And lo and behold, one of the switches was off. I pushed it back up, hot water again.

I read about the Least Effort Principle yesterday, and about Thought Experiments this morning. Both oddly relate to this whole hot shower incident.

First, I assumed the hot water wasn’t working because it had happened before. My brain defaulted to the same solution: call the technician. Least effort, fastest route, familiar pattern.
Second, I sat with the problem, I questioned it: what ifs. I ran a quiet little thought experiment without even realizing it.

And I found the solution without having to call anyone.

What I’m trying to say is this: our default mode is to reach for the fastest way out of a problem. But being an overthinker means I don’t always do that. I linger, I sit in it. I swim around in the problem until I find something. There are pros and cons to this. The good part is that sometimes, I find better solutions. The bad part is when I stay too long and spiral.

Right now, I think I’m just trying to figure out how to manage that middle space; how long to stay, and when to step out.

Little Thing 336: Silent Notes from the First Quarter

2026-03-30T15:42:00.006+08:00

Project Hail-Mary:

Booked Saturday morning for a date with Dr Grace and Rocky.

I had two lactase pills and ordered a hot mocha with fresh milk, the only option, and honestly, pure brain fuel. I didn’t finish the drink though, because halfway through the movie, I could already feel the familiar rumble in my stomach. The film moved at a slow pace, the kind that requires attention rather than demands it. It felt almost like speed-reading; quiet, focused, and intentional. There were no loud action scenes to pull you in, so you had to meet it halfway. I liked that.

Visually, it was beautiful and casting Ryan Gosling was a bonus. Because let’s be honest, who doesn’t like a nerd with that face, kan. Watching it alone turned out to be the right decision. I did ask around, but no one seemed to be in the mood for a slow, sci-fi, slightly nerdy kind of film. The book was there in my waiting list for awhile, but I decided to watch it first sebab even I have trouble with sci-fi. But this is special. The nerdy part wasn't that nerdy, it was manageable, I love the fact that they simplify it into normal-people language and you don't have to be astrophysicist to understand it. Like I said before, I'm good with concept, but not so good with the details.

I had the whole row for myself, I sat right in the middle, in front of me, there was a man, taking his whole row and behind, there was another man, taking his whole row. So the three of us, each taking our own whole row right in the middle of the cinema. Like we owned the place.

Eid:

My Eid this time was rather quick and short. I just celebrated with my family on the first day of Raya. Quite uneventful, like I prayed it would. Next year, I would book a ticket out, like I did last year. I should have used the national long holiday intentionally, rather than working right on the fourth day of Raya, kan. That was a bit depressing even for my standard. Taipei or Okinawa would be inviting; a walk in a dinosaur museum or checking out a huge modern library or visit amazing aquarium, or even a hike, a lot of tempting options for my soul. Wrong plan.

Selamat Hari Raya, nerds.

Books, Movies and Games:

Did I mentioned about my latest books? I forgot. I finished:

The Disappearing Act by Maria Stepanova
Embracing Change by Jana Firestone
Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zavin
Things in Nature Merely Grow by Yiyun Li
Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles: Nirai Kanan-hen by Clamp (Manga)
The Tea Dragon Tapestry Book 1-3 by Katie O'Neill (Graphic Novel)
Angelica and the Bear Prince by Trung Le Nguyen (Graphic Novel)

I try my best to avoid DNF-ing my books because I have such a ridiculous patience like a monk and I give chances to all my books for as long as I could. So, I have a bunch of books that I am still slowly churning (like reading 1 chapter on random):

Here After by Amy Lin (70%)
The Idiot by Elif Batuman (90%)
The City and Its Uncertain Walls by Haruki Murakami (70%)
XXXHolic Omnibus (Book 3/7)
The Great Mental Models (70%)
Must I Go by Yiyun Li (70%)
The New Life by Orhan Pamuk (60%)

I don't stream movies or series. PHM was the latest movie, that was an intentional activity slotted in my schedule so that I would have a life outside of my house. But I play lots of Roller Coaster Tychoon, almost on daily basis now. One challenge per day.

I hardly have any social life, and I've been talking about improving this for 3 years now. But ew, socializing.

Work:

Other than my project with U that has recently been launched during Ramadhan, I just locked myself for the next 3 months for a project with Au. So I have something keeping me busy and distracted for awhile. Sometimes I do feel uncomfortable with the fact that I feel at most fulfilled with having a list of works to do, but it keeps my engine running, and it works. I just want to do what I'm good at, and that's about it.

Not that ambitious, really.

I just did a self-assessment thing, that was requested by my office. Honestly, at this pace that I'm making right now, everything I achieve in my personal life has been overwhelming and huge enough that I don't even have any space for a "self-growth" mentality in my career.

Who do you see yourself in 5 years time? Can you lead and guide a group of team? It's been awhile since you take your yoga teaching course, what are your plans?

My focus is my life and my little kid's life, I don't have any brain space for anything, let's be real. Don't ask these huge future questions to a single mom, you have no idea where she's mentally at :F There's a reason why I take a senior role and not a leader role at my age. My focus is still being a present mom. I'm not saying that you can't do both. For me, this, is intentional.

Little Thing 335: What Worked, What Stayed

2026-03-27T08:36:00.000+08:00

I was talking to my sibling about change, about awareness, and about how hard it is to step out of the system we grew up in. As I get older, I’m starting to see that everyone is operating within some kind of system. Some work, some don’t. But regardless, we stay in them, we repeat them, we build our lives around them. The good thing is, I can see mine. The harder part is figuring out how to rewire something that is so deeply embedded in me. How do you upgrade a system that feels like your default setting?

For example, I grew up in a family that values independence. We don’t ask for help, we don’t lean and we endure what we need to endure, alone. There’s almost a quiet pride in it, like surviving alone is something to be respected. My mom raised four of us, and when I look back, I don’t remember a larger support system around her, no visible village. She carried it mostly on her own and it worked. But because it worked, it became the model and now it lives in us.

So one of my default response whenever I have a situation is: “Let me figure this out. Alone.” The interesting thing is, I now have enough distance from myself to see this pattern as it’s happening. I can almost step outside of myself and observe it, like a third person. I analyze it. And what I’m starting to realize is this: Just because I can do things alone, doesn’t mean I should. I should be able to ask for support when I need it, kan.

But here’s where I get stuck. How do you rewire yourself to rely on something you don’t fully trust? How do you build a new system when your old one is the only thing that has ever proven reliable? I’ve read about neuroplasticity, about CBT. I do believe that humans can upgrade. Maybe not completely change, but upgrade.

Somehow, I keep repeating the same patterns and the hardest part is, I’m aware of it. It would be easier if I were in denial. Easier if I didn’t see it, didn’t question it, didn’t try to shift it, but I do. And that awareness doesn’t automatically translate into change. It just means I can see myself looping, in real time.

This doesn’t just apply to me.

It can relate to anything you might be struggling with in your life, especially the patterns you find yourself repeating over time. It could show up in your behaviour, in how you respond to situations, or even in the way you choose your words. If you’re willing to pay attention, you can begin to examine your belief system more closely. You can start to see what sits underneath it, question whether it still serves you, and decide if it is something you want to upgrade.

I’m not just talking about hyper-independence. It could be something else entirely. It could be staying in a victim mentality, being stuck in a fixed mindset, or believing that your worth is tied to how much you make. The form may look different, but the underlying structure is often the same.

I wonder if you can see it too, the system you’ve been operating in.

Little Thing 334: Awan

2026-03-24T19:00:00.004+08:00

Awan passed away.

I'm still processing. She was old, around 15 years old. I knew her time was near. I have not physically seen her for around a year, because she was with Af. I can't bring a pet in the building I live in, I binded myself under a contract that I was too scared to cross. I am planning on moving soon, I promised Awan would be with me back.

But time is time.

And I missed her final year.

I have no one else to blame but myself.

Awan ❤︎⁠

2011 - 2026

Little Thing 333: On Falling Sick

2026-03-19T08:00:00.018+08:00

I had two periods when I fell sick during Ramadhan.

The first incident was accidental. It was the back pain that came after I was stuck for 2 hours at Pasar Seni carrying a 5 kg laptop bag. That night, I was already crying in pain. I had no other option but to go to the clinic. Thankfully, Af convinced me that he should drive me, because I found out that night that all the clinics in my vicinity were closed after 10 pm (not 24 hours like I thought). Imagine ngensot to the clinic at night only to find out it’s closed. Anyway, I arrived at the clinic, got a painkiller and muscle relaxant shot, and managed to sleep lying down. I had an MC the next day. I was in pain, on medication, and super groggy. Everything slowed down. The next 5 days were a recovery phase. It was not fun, purely physical pain.

The second one was a bit innocent. It started with Sofi. She had a fever and cough, then she seemed fine. But she passed it to me. I had a 5-day pulsing migraine that was connected to my right ear and the top right side of my head, twitching one eye like a pirate, with a bad sore throat, a voice like a sailor, random excessive coughing, a runny nose, and feeling like I was functioning at 30%. How extra. How dramatic, kan.

During all these sickly times, I lay in bed, counting the hours until I got better (usually after 5 days). I realized that at times like this, I’m reminded that I am alive, but also of being bedridden, or even death—everything morbid.

I also realized that whenever I fall sick, I’m usually alone, just waiting for recovery. With God’s will, I just need time. But during those challenging moments, when Sofi cried because she wanted to play with me and I had to say, “I’m sick, I can’t, I’m in pain, please,” I wished she could understand. But she’s 7, and she won’t always understand. Then I blame myself, because that’s what mothers do. We always try to be superhuman.

Anyway, that pushed me to a realization: at times like this, I have to embrace the fact that there are moments when I am incapable of being the superhuman I think I am. That sometimes, I might need to ask for help, to call for reinforcement, or to beg for support. And I’m always disappointed, because why do we rely on humans? We are so flawed. We don’t always have the capacity.

People ask me why I can’t just embrace my singlehood; being alone, it’s freeing, kan. Of course, emotionally, I do prefer being alone, I love it. But I am also a mother, and there will be times when I can’t be the best version of myself. I need a village, that’s what matters for her growth. I’m not going to sit here romanticizing single parenthood just to feed my ego, just to make myself proud for doing everything “alone.” No. This is not the time to repeat history. You have no idea how many times I’ve been gaslighted for making myself vulnerable and asking for help. The world can be utterly indifferent; I don't know why I'm still surprised. But I'm not going to give up now.

I play this in my head like it is a problem that needs to be solved, because this is what I do—solving problems. But sometimes, it is just a situation. It is what life is: the things that I can't control, the things that I need to endure, the pain that I need to carry, the emotions that I need to feel. Maybe it does not always need a solution, kan.

It's good that I can actually process it and write my thoughts coherently. See how much I've grown.

Little Thing 332: These Walks

2026-03-06T15:47:00.003+08:00

There are paths I imagine whenever I go to sleep.

I carry a small backpack with only the necessary things. A walking stick in my hand, I always thought about asking for MC's walking stick, but I never quite managed to. I wear a hat, a white tshirt, a hiking pants and place a towel around my neck. (Oh, let me add a Fujifilm X Half hanging on my neck in the imaginary future walks - this is new)

And I walk.

Along the path.

Some nights the path runs through a bright forest. Not the dense kind we have in Malaysia, but something gentler.

Some nights it winds between hills of green fields, the weather moodier, the air cool with a steady breeze.

Some nights it leads into a mossy forest, with komorebi, sunlight leaking through the trees.

Some nights there are rocks and small hills to climb.

Then I fall asleep.

I only need a few steps. A quiet thought of where I want to walk that night before my system shuts down. I can’t imagine anyone beside me on these paths. I am always alone, and everything is always green. Even in reverie, it seems I return to silence. It never feels lonely, only a quiet awareness of absence. I suppose I built this small world, and no one has quite belonged in it yet.

I love these walks, even in the quiet space between dream and consciousness.

I made new upgrade, I no longer wear footwear during these walks, barefoot, on soft grass. I wear a long black linen dress, that's it. The weather is nice, not too windy, not too hot or cold. It feels like walking behind my house (because I live in a friendly forest), not a journey to a destination.

Book: Over-analyzing the Friction

2026-03-02T08:30:00.002+08:00

I didn’t expect reading this book can turn into a reflection about myself, but friction often reveals more than comfort ever could. I didn't even want to talk about this book at the start.

This book made me uncomfortable in a way I didn’t expect. It felt like race was emphasized more than necessary, almost as if it was trying too hard. The lack of subtlety made it difficult for me to stay immersed in the story.

I also struggled with the excessive listing. There were too many details that didn’t feel essential to the core narrative. As I’ve mentioned before in this blog, I’m not good at processing information that feels unimportant to my brain. It becomes noise, and that noise distracted me from the emotional arc. That discomfort led to an interesting realization about my cognitive preferences. I’ve mentioned “noise” several times throughout this blog. Some writers use specificity as texture and listing as immersion. It is an intentional stylistic choice. For some readers, it works but for me, it doesn’t. It comes down to cognitive preference, so there is no right or wrong here.

I have almost zero tolerance for narrative noise. This explains why I dislike filler episodes and get bored with excessive details, especially names and numbers. With a designer’s brain, I appreciate clean, curated work. I value negative space. My brain prefer only what is necessary to move the story forward.

While I admire the richness and detail in Orhan Pamuk’s and Carlos Ruiz Zafón’s writing, I am also in awe of writers like Haruki Murakami or Kyung Sook Shin, who can express complex, weighty emotions with remarkable simplicity. Pamuk and Zafón create immersion through accumulation. Murakami and Sook Shin create depth through subtraction. On the surface, it looks simple, but we know it is not. Anyone can pile details but not everyone can remove them and still leave resonance.

Maybe that is the contradiction I live with. I admire maximalism, but I move through the world as a minimalist. I respect the cathedral, but I build a quiet empty room for myself. And sometimes, a book is less about whether I love it or not, and more about self-discovery, observing our own thinking, about noticing the small frictions that reveal us to ourselves.

So every friction matters, take note on every annoyance, there's a lesson there.

The book I'm referring to is Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin.

Note: I just finished the last few chapters in one sitting yesterday while waiting for berbuka. It broke me a little, until it came to the chapter in the game (it felt like a filler episode), it could be done much better. But let's not spiral into that.

I stand by my point, it could be better without the excessive listing. But that was just me.

Little Thing 331: Pottery Lesson

2026-03-01T08:27:00.005+08:00

Last December, I took an unlimited pottery session.

One of the main lessons I learned was detachment. In pottery, you have to accept that you cannot fully control the outcome. Whether I throw once or fifty times, the piece can still fail. My skills can always improve. My expectations can still collapse.

Every stage of the process produces a different result. Imperfections can appear at any phase. I can spend hours shaping a piece, only for it to crack during firing in the kiln because I did not wedge it properly at the beginning. If I handle it too much, if it shifts off-center while throwing, if I add too much water or not enough, if I rush, or if I overwork the clay anything can go wrong. Everything matters.

Pottery teaches patience, repetition, and the humility to accept that you can create something and still walk away with nothing. In every session, I arrived, put music in my ears, wedged and threw, silently repeating the process. I walked home with cracked palms and an aching back, but it was therapeutic.

I did not want to bring anything home. I just wanted to enjoy the learning process, on repeat.

It had been a while since I allowed myself to be terrible at something. There were no stakes, no KPIs, no deliverables, no results, just a bad piece spinning on the wheel.

Note: So Azmi, this is to answer your question that weekend.

It is a little like parenting, kan.

You try to shape them according to your standards, but every phase can unfold in ways you cannot control. And just like pottery, you learn to loosen your grip on the outcome. Sometimes the most loving thing is knowing when to stop shaping. In the end, the child becomes who they are becoming.

Your role is not to manufacture the final form, but to guide the process and then accept the outcome.

Little Stories 326: Impromptu Balik Kampung

2026-02-10T10:00:00.001+08:00

I haven’t balik kampung in more than two years. I think the last time everyone saw me was after my dramatic hospital episodes, when I was still sickly. Then I went MIA for a while. My weight was more or less the same as it is now, but they were convinced I had gained weight and was “glowing.” And I get it. I remember. The last time I went back, I really did look unwell.

They mentioned that I look much better, now that my debilitating anxiety is manageable, almost miraculously invisible to society. Their last memory of me was after my episodes, which surprised me because it feels like a lifetime ago. That persona kind of stuck in their minds.

Azreen = sick = hospital.

Looking back, yes, it was dramatic. It was huge. It was life-changing. My whole life turned upside down while I was recovering, figuring things out, and deciding to change. It feels like another lifetime, but it all happened in less than five years. That phase was a turning point. Some parts of me did die that year. There is pre-2021 and post-2021.

Ma said I’m in a good place now, and I shouldn’t rock the boat.

But boats are meant to move, kan. I can't stay stagnant forever. And I'm not trying to sink my boat, I'm trying to sail it.

Little Thing 330: The Right Mix

2026-02-05T18:00:00.002+08:00

Kadang-kadang I’m not sure how to do this parenting thing. Growing up, I was in quite a stressful environment where I didn’t really get to express myself. Looking back, I realize I learned to make myself small and invisible, too scared to create friction or drama. I developed this toxic habit of hiding in my cave.

So every time Sofi tests a boundary or tries to express herself, I find myself questioning what the right approach is. Do I limit her expression and create firm rules, or do I let her test things and learn through consequences? She’s at the age of trying out what she sees around her, experimenting with autonomy, learning how to express herself. With limited vocabulary and emotional awareness, rebellion can easily become her language.

And I remember, when I was growing up, I didn’t get the chance to be seen at all.

I wonder what the right mix is in shaping her personality, because every small influence wires her brain, at least during these formative years. But maybe the real work is not about controlling the mix. Maybe it’s about teaching her how to regulate her emotions, to name what she feels, and guiding her to process them. Hopefully, she will slowly grow into the best version of her own self. Kan. That’s something I only learned in my 30s, and I wish I had learned it sooner.

I don't know.

She’s still at that age where she says, “Thank you, Mami. I love it.”

And that warms my heart everytime, because I still struggle to express something that simple.

Little Thing 329: I'm Breathing Now

2026-02-03T17:18:00.002+08:00

Last week, a lot happened. For one, I was asked to join my first networking event, maybe because I had avoided most events since I started working full-time again. So no excuse.

I was nervous, the kind of nervous with butterflies constantly in my stomach. The kind that made me cycle 70 km in a week just to manage it. The kind that made it hard to eat proper meals for several days, which then led to headaches. How annoying it is to be fully aware of my nervous system reacting like this and still not be able to chill, kan.

But I survived the networking event, with sweaty armpits and many moments of pretending to be busy. I survived submitting 15 drafts in 2 days, and 12 completed FA in 3 days as well as the interview meetings in-between. I survived the confrontations that really needed to happen. And I got the results for my big applications. I can come out from my cave now. I have no idea how I'm still functioning.

Last week was a marathon for my brain. My ChatGPT said I shouldn’t go to the gym anymore because I was “overstimulated” and that's why I don't feel hunger. What I needed was grounding, not more movement. Hah.

What I learned from the networking event is that I really don’t want to do networking. I thought I needed to socialize more to make my “presence” seen and maybe get more projects or something. But naw, I don’t like it. I don’t like going to events and talking about myself to strangers. I just want to do the work, sans the socializing :F I told S that I’d rather be in front of my laptop doing my work. Maybe the socializing part is just not meant for me.

But next week, we have another session. This time I don't have to talk about myself to strangers, I just need to help around. So, it is not that bad. I'm breathing now, I've been holding my breath for awhile.

I'm breathing.

Books: Apparently January is My Reading Month

2026-01-28T12:38:00.001+08:00

Lately on books: Yes, I've been reading a bit more than usual.

I'll Be Right there - Kyung Sook Shin

This book made me feel small and sad in a very quiet way. It’s about grief, memory, and people who leave marks on your life even after they’re gone. Nothing is loud in this story, but everything hurts. It’s the kind of book that doesn’t break your heart all at once, it just slowly makes it heavier.

I've read her other books: Please Look After Mother & The Girl Who Wrote Loneliness

Note: Everything she writes is sad and heavy with emotion.

Notes to John & The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion -

Notes to John felt a bit too personal, almost like it should not have been published, like reading someone’s private diary. But seeing how she processed everything that happened in her life made me feel less alone. She talked the way I talk. She was honest in the same painfully honest way I know how.

Note: The Year of Magical Thinking was a reread.

Card Captor Sakura by Clamp 1-6

Yes, yes. I’m late. But we can finally read CCS locally. Kadokawa Gempak Starz finally decided to translate and publish the series after 30 years. Perfect. I’m collecting this and quietly achieving my childhood dream. Too YA for my age, but I can still enjoy the illustration.

Bury Our Bones in the Midnight by VESchwab

No. I picked the wrong book, too YA for me. But I finished it because I was dedicated enough to finish a book I didn't enjoy.

Tuhan, Seindah Apa di Hujung Sana by Hafizul Faiz

I really enjoy this kind of personal reflection on Qur’anic verses. The writing can feel a bit blog-gy at times, but I think that actually works, it makes it easier to digest and to take notes from. I like how he writes about why certain verses call out to him, the possible meanings of certain Arabic words used in the Qur’an, and how he weaves in his own reflections and experiences while learning and exploring.

Currently on my reading library:

Tomorrow Tomorrow Tomorrow (Gabrielle Zevin) - just started on Kindle
The Great Mental Models (Physics, Chemistry, and Biology) - This is really, really, really mentally stimulating. I love this so much. I honestly wish I had read something like this when I was in school. It explains the core concepts of scientific models and relates them to real-world events. Perfect for a conceptual thinker like me.
Cuma Aku, Lukaku, dan Tuhanku (Hafizul Faiz) - Personal reflections on the 30 juzuk of the Qur’an.
Tak Semua Seperti Yang Kusangka (A.Shafiq) - Bought a preloved copy. I’m curious to see how local writers are writing these days.
The Idiot (Elif Batuman) - Why am I still reading this? I’m not sure. But I’m already 70% in and dragging my feet to the finish line.

It’s a bit all over the place, kan. A chaotic mix of emotions, hardcore thinking, spiritual reflection, local curiosity, and just reading for the vibes but I think I'm on a good start.

Happy 2026 reading year!

Little Thing 328: Happy New Year and Let's Talk Planning

2026-01-16T16:09:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year.

I’m not really “back.” My brother said I’ve been too silent lately, and he’s bored because there’s nothing for him to read (I lent him my book).

I’ve had a lot on my plate. This is a big decision-making year for me. So I’ve been quiet online, but quite productive in my personal life. A lot is going on, and I’m trying to reserve as much thinking energy as possible for things that actually matter. But today I had coffee. So here I am.

I’m well, thanks for asking.

I hope you had a wonderful holiday to recalibrate last month, because I did.

—

Here’s something I want to share this January, since it’s still the new year.

Every once in a while (especially at the end or beginning of a year), I do this thing: I restructure my life. Planning, visualising, researching, making decisions. I know there are mixed opinions about this, but as a planner, this is how I work, and this is how I find my starting line.

First things first: what do you want?

Let’s say you draft a whole list of things you want to have, achieve, or buy in 2026. Goals, dreams, anything, then you create a vision board. You don’t have to be super specific yet, but you need to put them somewhere you can see. To remind yourself that you’re living intentionally, that time is precious. This is your rough map.

Then, when you know what you want, you set a direction.

Then comes the analysis. The reality constraints.

This is where you ask the real questions. You decide your pace, your scope, whether something is actually possible. You check what’s realistic, you set expectations, you design fallback plans, “bare minimum” rules, and systems that you can still follow on dark days.

You begin to notice the information you need, you ask the right people the right questions, you take the next possible steps, you sequence your actions, and you stop wasting energy walking in the dark. Now you have a torchlight in your hand, kan.

So now you know:

what you want,
where you’re going,
what’s realistic,
and the rough wireframe of your intentional life.

Because I love structure, I plan ahead, I create sequences and branches of where I might go. I design my life because I don’t have the luxury of chaos and recklessness, so I have to be intentional. I’m not super rigid about planning. I always evaluate and recalibrate when something doesn’t work, and I try again. That’s how I’ve been surviving the hard winters. You jatuh, you start again, but you need to keep moving forward:

Decide what you want (even rough ideas)
Draw a map (even if it’s wrong)
Start walking
Re-route when reality corrects you

You can start the engine and drive somewhere, instead of just wandering aimlessly.

My buffer years are up, and my car is packed. All I need now is to drive into my next phase.

いってらっしゃい !

Little Thing 327: Stuck on a Replay

2025-12-20T05:30:00.001+08:00

The project we worked on for the past two months didn’t end well, and I’m still trying to make sense of what went wrong. It’s hard not to replay the mistakes and imagine what we could have done differently. While I wasn’t physically present during the two critical days when things unfolded, I was still part of the team. We invested time, effort, and a lot of energy into this project, and that makes the weight of it difficult to shake.

So here I am, at 5 a.m. on a Saturday morning, still sitting with the grief.

I keep circling back to the idea of reciprocity, how we expect effort to be met with outcome, energy with return. When that balance breaks, it leaves something unresolved. Nothing feels unfinished in terms of work, yet emotionally, the exchange feels incomplete, and I don’t quite know what to do with that yet.

Reciprocity assumes balance: effort in, outcome out. But human systems aren’t closed systems. You can put in energy, time, and care, and still receive something that doesn’t reflect that investment. I understand this intellectually, but the emotional imbalance still persists. I don’t have a resolution here. Just the awareness that when you give deeply, and the return comes back distorted, it leaves a quiet ache that takes time to settle.

You know the feeling when you give, and give, and give, believing that something will come back in return. It’s almost instinctive, as if our brains are wired to expect balance. But the truth is, we don’t get to control what comes back to us. And maybe that’s where I am right now, sitting with the very human disappointment of hopes and dreams that didn’t land where I thought they would.

Hm.

Little Thing 326: Different Spacetimes

2025-12-16T17:36:00.002+08:00

Let us sit around my campfire.

I recently learned about relativity. Big term, I know, but it led to a major, eye-opening realization for me. At its core, relativity tells me that there is no single, absolute perspective. There is always more than one way to see everything in life, depending on where you stand, your experiences, your biases, desires, belief systems, name it.

An event can happen at the same time and yet become two entirely different experiences for two observers, and both can be right. The observer’s perspective shapes what they perceive as reality and how they make sense of the experience. Two people can walk away with wildly different feelings from the same moment, because they were never in the same spacetime to begin with.

We see things based on our own perspective, and we are quick to judge others through that lens. Today, you might judge someone for a decision they make. Five years later, you might judge that same person, for the same decision, very differently. What changed? Your perspective. Where you are in your spacetime. You are the same person, and yet not the same at all.

Relativity taught me that understanding isn’t about agreeing on one truth, but about asking where someone was standing when it happened. Sometimes, that understanding invites empathy. Sometimes, it asks me to pause and not invest emotionally. Sometimes, it allows me to acknowledge my own pain without gaslighting myself or rushing to judgment.

To try, at least, to see from where they stood.

But you need to understand that it is not an agreement. Perspective can be acknowledged without being absorbed. Empathy does not require self-betrayal. You can stand your ground, in your own reality. After all, you are not in the same spacetime anyway.

And Einstein might agree.

Little Thing 325: How Very Human

2025-12-10T16:10:00.003+08:00

Schopenhauer would say heartbreak hurts because the illusion collapses, but he never warned how physical it feels. Lately, there are these tiny, ambush moments; small triggers, stray thoughts that remind me heartbreak isn’t abstract at all. It feels as if someone reaches straight into my chest and crushes my heart over and over, slow and deliberate. What an odd thing, kan, that something happening entirely inside my mind can manifest like a bodily injury. How powerful thoughts are, how unforgiving.

What unsettles me most is how the pain arrives in waves I never invited. I can be working, reading, washing a cup, eating my third piece of chocolate and suddenly a thought slips in, harmless at first, then sharp, then crushing. Schopenhauer would probably say this is the Will asserting itself again, reminding me that suffering follows wherever desire once lived. But living through it feels less philosophical and more like being ambushed by my own nervous system. Thoughts shouldn’t have this kind of power, yet here they are, turning memory into muscle ache, disappointment into something that feels carved into bone.

I told my brother last week that pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice. Healing, in that sense, isn’t gentle work, it requires walking straight into the fire. There’s no shortcut, no numbness that won’t eventually wear off. You go through the hell, you feel every degree of the heat, and only then do you reach the other side. You arrive at the door burned and crisp, but alive. And maybe the bitterness follows you for years, maybe forever, but it’s the bitterness of someone who survived the flames, not someone consumed by them. I hope.

Standing here in the middle of my own wreckage, I’m reminding myself that the point isn’t to avoid the hurt. It’s to learn the shape of it, to understand how it moves through the body, how it teaches, how it burns without fully destroying. The illusion collapses, the pain arrives, the waves come and go and somehow, we are still here.

I can close my eyes and pretend it doesn’t feel like I’m slowly dying inside, but honestly, we’re all dying anyway. That part isn’t new. Pain just makes the whole thing louder. Still, it has its uses. Pain writes better than I do. Pain paints. Pain gives me one more day where I get to say something almost beautiful about being alive.

How very human of us, to hurt this much and call it art ❤︎

Let’s rejoice, I guess.

Little Stories 325: December Post

2025-12-05T18:04:00.000+08:00

Year-end Wrap Up

My ultimate stressful project is finally happening next week. I’ve finished almost all the designs, especially the printed materials, after all the chaos of preparation and planning. These two wild months passed like an epic rainstorm and somehow I survived. Lots of tears, zero sweat (I had no energy to run), no caffeine (GERD said “hi” the moment stress peaked), and way too much ranting to the poor souls who had to listen. I don’t even know how many times I said, “I want to quit and move somewhere rural.”

But hey, I made it. (Not yet, but almost)

And right after I hit “send” on those files, I applied my long leave. I wasn’t even sure I’d dare to, but I clicked it anyway.

I’m going to shut off from all the work stress and recalibrate.

Padang & Bukittinggi Trip

I still can’t believe that two weeks ago I was in Indonesia.

I didn’t even have time to process it in the middle of all the project chaos. But surprise, surprise; the trip was actually okay. Everyone behaved, everyone tried. We were all relieved it went well. But mother nature was not in the mood. It rained heavily even before we arrived. We had gloomy hours, then drizzle, then heavy rain again, repeat on loop. We went through episodes of landslides, floods, broken branches everywhere. Our driver was a legend, always finding safe detours and getting us from point to point without fail.

The trip was honestly scary and a little dangerous (I hated that I was bringing Sofi into something like that), so I stayed tense until the very last day. But our tour guide? He was calm as a monk with a mic. He talked non-stop; stories, history, culture, geography, food, religion, language. He sang, joked, kept us entertained for hours, even in the rain and pitch darkness on those wet, hilly roads. He distracted us; never once mentioned his own worries. He just did his job incredibly well.

Despite the really bad weather and temperature below I could handle, we came home in one piece.

And that family trip, was an eye-opening experience. My dad asked us what did we learned on this trip. I learned that when someone wants to make an effort, they will. Full stop. Being accountable for your behaviour is something you learn, not something you dodge by saying, “I can’t change, this is just who I am,” and wearing it like a badge.

Because, to be real, every single day of my life is a deliberate choice to be a better person than the version I’d be if I stopped trying. I’m not perfect, I’m just someone who tries to show up, adjusts, reflects, apologises, and tries again. Accountability isn’t a personality trait. It’s a practice. Do you seriously think I’d still have any trust in humanity if I didn’t rein in my own thoughts?

I was still the party-pooper.

But I'm glad, we all had a decent time.

Machine vs Human

We had a conversation at the office about how I mostly work with machines and honestly, I prefer it that way. We were talking about dealing with different types of humans, based on their nature of work, and I realized how thankful I am that I don’t have to interact with clients directly anymore.

And then I started noticing a pattern in how I’ve been shaped; how the little sequences of my childhood were imprinted on me and now feel woven into my personality. I love machines, and I prefer avoiding human drama. I think it comes from growing up with parents who had very distinct personalities; I learned early on to avoid conflict and unnecessary interactions. I preferred burying my face in books, shutting the world out with earphones everywhere I could.

This isn’t to justify my anti-social tendencies, because I do make an effort to carve out space for human interaction from time to time. That’s also why it’s rare for me to genuinely like anyone. And when I do, I’m often surprised by the very human nature that can emerge - even from someone like me. My sister has been asking me to try to meet new people, but ugh, the idea.

Machines don’t ask for much.

Humans do, and we are awfully reckless creatures.

Little Thing 324: Emotions Are Not Flaws

2025-11-22T05:40:00.010+08:00

You know, I talk about pain a lot, kan? I'm not shy about being vulnerable because I've learned the importance of naming what I feel. Several years ago, when I wasn’t in the right space and spent more time in denial than awareness, I spiralled into anxiety and depression. It wasn’t sudden, it was a slow collapse from ignoring myself for too long. Over time, through learning about who I am, opening up, patching the holes, and trying to manage things on my own, I reached this point. And I know this for sure now: whenever I lie to myself for too long, I spiral. Whenever I deny what my heart is asking for, I spiral. If I ignore it, the anxiety symptoms come back, the ones I can recognise now, though I didn’t understand them back then.

So I don't lie anymore.

I’m much more open than I used to be. Other than the moments I retreat into my deep well, I’m vocal. It’s either the truth or complete silence. I don’t fabricate. I don’t sugarcoat. I don’t rewrite my own feelings just to keep the peace.

I learned to voice out my emotions in full sentences: “I’m anxious right now, and the reason is…”, “I’m stressed out, and these are the triggers…”, or “I don’t want this / I don’t like this because…”. Maybe it comes with age or experience, or maybe it’s simply because I’ve seen how lying about what I feel leads to more harm. And it’s not just emotional harm. Long-term emotional suppression and chronic stress really do shape the body, they influence the immune system, shift hormones, and make any underlying condition worse. The body absorbs everything we refuse to process.

So if you are not feeling good and you are not sure why. Listen.

You’ll feel it physically: the withdrawal, the sudden weight changes, the loss of interest, the brain fog, the exhaustion that doesn’t go away, the indigestion, the random rashes, the jitters, the allergies, the anxiety spikes, the gastric episodes, the muscle tension, the vertigo, the headaches; all the small rebellions your body stages when your mind is carrying too much. A lot of these signals begin in the emotional landscape; they’re reminders that everything is connected. The body reflects what the psyche holds.

In the end, we don’t get to choose whether life gives us pain, but we do get to choose whether we meet it honestly. Awareness isn’t about fixing everything; it’s about refusing to negotiate with our own denial. It’s choosing to tell the truth because the body always knew it anyway. Maybe healing begins not with bravery, but with the simple decision not to lie to ourselves anymore. To name what hurts. To stay with the discomfort long enough for it to teach us something.

And if someone tells you you’re “too emotional,” it’s fine.

At least you’re not lying to yourself. At least you’re accepting that you’re human, and that feeling is not a flaw.

Note: It took me 35 years to learn this and I am still managing it. So kids, listen to your emotions and learn how to manage it, don't deny it.

I can see my siblings struggling in denial lately, and so, I'm just putting this out in the ether.

Little Thing 323: Plans for December

2025-11-18T15:36:00.001+08:00

Remember about a month ago when I said my favourite season had arrived? It lasted for a week, then we got three more weeks of heat and now, finally, the rain is back. So, welcome home, my rainy season.

I always forget how everyone tends to fall sick during this time. If you can, avoid crowded places, stay in, enjoy the weather with a good book and something soupy. I’m rewatching Gilmore Girls for the xth time because it’s easy and familiar. I’m tired most days, and whatever mental space I have left is reserved for something soft and undemanding, the kind of thing that doesn’t ask anything of me.

For December, when the whole office scatters to the wind, I’ve decided to plan something that’s:

enjoyable
unrelated to work
not meant to make money
slow and gentle

Just so I can have a somewhat relaxing month to refresh, recalibrate, and replan.
I decided to not go anywhere (reserving that for next year).

I’m upping my reading game. I’ve listed and bought a few ebooks I want to sink into. The fun reads. No heavy literature, just modern writing, easy fictions:

Bury Our Bones in the Midnight Soil by V.E. Schwab
Martyr! by Kaveh Akbar
The City and Its Uncertain Walls by Haruki Murakami
I’m thinking of DNF-ing The Idiot by Elif Batuman and Must I Go by Yiyun Li. Both have about 100 pages left, but honestly, nothing happens. Just vibes. And I’m losing patience here. I don’t usually not finish a book; it feels like betrayal. But maybe it’s worse to waste time on reading vibes I don’t even enjoy.

I mentioned Things Become Other Things: A Walking Memoir by Craig Mod, I finished it. I bought the Kindle version for $1.99 after someone DM’d me on Instagram to tell me about the discount. Bought it right away; I knew I wouldn’t be getting the physical copy anytime soon. The random DM was very thoughtful. Love the book.

-

I also signed up for one month of unlimited access at a local pottery studio. A community space. I don’t fully know what that means yet, but pottery is one of the things I really wanted to learn along with yoga. So that’s my December plan. I’d love to get a one-month unlimited yoga pass as well, but I haven’t decided on the studio and I’m still figuring out whether my wallet agrees.

That’s December for now; soft plans, rainy days, and a little space to breathe.
I’m still deciding if I should use all my remaining leave, but honestly, the rain might convince me for good.

Little Stories 324: Cursed by My Tonsil

2025-11-14T09:51:00.003+08:00

This morning comes in tune with The Adults Are Talking by The Strokes. Please listen to the song while reading this particular post. I wrote this with the song playing on repeat.

I woke up from sleep, feeling pain in my left throat, throbbing in my ears whenever I swallow. I thought it was one of my migraine (yes, sometimes it can be felt in my ear). So, I checked my throat using my phone's spotlight, lighting at the back of my now lopsided swelling throat. What the heck is that? It was huge and really painful to swallow, or talk, apatah lagi makan/minum.

Decided to visit the clinic on a whim after sending Sofi to school.

Turns out it was a bacterial infection, complete with an abscess. That yellow thing on my left tonsil wasn’t mucus, it was pus. No wonder it hurt like betrayal. So here I am, ending the year with yet another round of antibiotics, right when I’d just started my prebiotic journey for my gut. Great.

I’m annoyed because it’s always something, kan. The doctor asked if I wanted painkillers or an MC, but I said I could manage the pain and I needed to work anyway. I answered like a true Capricorn and even my inner self rolled her eyes. Reality is hard, but I’m harder. Thus the song choice because my personal soundtrack rarely matches what I actually feel. Fake it till neuroplasticity makes it true, right? Dry humor being my coping mechanism.

Lesson of the week: I'm not going to gaslight Sofi again whenever she tells me "sakit tekak", because if this is how she feels, this is another level of throat pain.

I do dance party whenever I'm too stressed out

My brother asked why I make the blog non-public. I told him I needed the silence. Whenever I’m overwhelmed, I crawl into my hole and stay there quietly. Energy preservation mode. Then he asked, “Who even reads your blog?” 😑 Him, obviously. I’ve been quiet in the group chat, but he’s been silently stalking my posts. Where’s the silence in that. Ha.

So because I know he misses my morning posts, I will pretend like this is a newsletter of my little drama for him. And we are mentally preparing for the family-thing, so I need to come out from my hole now, make an effort and be a normal human.

Hope it is a good Friday for you.

PS: Tomorrow I want to make pumpkin + cauliflower's soup at ma's and we could do like a nice outdoor breakfast meal for Sunday.

Little Stories 323: The Place We Still Meet.

2025-11-11T09:30:00.001+08:00

Dear MC,

It is almost the year-end now, you've been gone for awhile. My office will shut down soon, and everyone’s clearing their leaves except for me. They told me to take a break too, recalibrate, recharge, whatever that means. I’ve been texting random people to see if anyone wants to go somewhere, anywhere. I still have almost a week of leave to use, but I hate the holiday season; Christmas and New Year crowds, everything expensive or closed. I haven’t decided on anything yet. Maybe I should.

This would’ve been the perfect time to plan our book retreat. We should go to Okinawa. It wouldn’t be too cold, and we could read as much as we want.

Remember that night when I asked where I should go to continue your journey, and you typed, “Go and do your pilgrimage walk in Japan.” I haven’t been able to think about those walks without thinking of you since. The latest book I’m reading is Things Become Other Things by Craig Mod. Huge crush. The walking memoir moved me, it reminded me of the notes I wrote for you. I love it. The perfect combo: walking, writing, photography, and gentle geekiness. He is by far my favorite walker. He is living my absolute dream; quietly, intentionally, beautifully. So I've been living in Craig's shadow instead, following him around during his walks. That's the closest thing I have to the walks.

Sometimes I wonder what you’re up to, wherever you are. If you still walk. If you still read. If you’ve found a place with endless steps and books that never runs out. Maybe you’ve already finished the pilgrimage and you’re just waiting for me to catch up.

I’ll get there eventually.

Little Thing 322: In Need of a Village

2025-11-09T07:52:00.000+08:00

In the past month, Sofi has had scarlet fever, chickenpox, stomach flu, and now the latest another fever (she has a cold too, so maybe it’s related). I’m exhausted. The Christmas holidays are coming soon, and work has been piling up before the blackout season. Working while taking care of a sick Sofi takes its toll: the lack of focus, the dip in creativity and quality in my work. I’ve even had my fair share of 1:1 talks about it. But I couldn’t bring myself to say that managing a sick child while working has affected me tremendously because it would sound like an excuse.

I still want to be in the driver’s seat, to handle everything professionally. But sometimes, I feel like giving up. I can’t control the stress, the acid reflux, the indigestion, or the 2 a.m. wake-ups even after taking my “chill pill.” I fall sick last week (the whole week). My body is screaming in silence. I haven’t even had time to run. At the back of my mind, I’m thinking about all the projects lining up, demanding attention. Even on weekends, they hover.

And I am angry because I had to think about work while Sofi is sick. I want to be present while making paper gnomes with her or lying down to watch Ponyo when she wants a hug, or paint the next cardboard boxes to keep her occupied, without running back to my screen every 10 minutes. IT IS SO PAINFUL.

But this is the hard season. And hard season comes and go. It makes me resilient, sure, but it also makes me feel like shait. I know I'm fueling on stress hormones and it is not sustainable.

It’s rare for me to ask anything specific from God because I don’t always know what’s best for me. But this one, I know for sure: I need a village. I want a village. A whole village to help me raise my Sofi.

Little Thing 321: In Omnia Paratus

2025-10-29T18:00:00.002+08:00

You know there are certain things in life that you need to face because you’re a responsible person. Or maybe you’re just being dragged along by guilt and that constant self-effort to be the bigger person. Either way you show up. You brace yourself.

If given a choice, I wouldn’t want to deal with anything stressful. I just want a boring, undramatic life. But, it’s time.

What is exposure therapy?

At its core, exposure therapy is all about rewiring the brain’s fear circuit. When you avoid something you fear, your brain gets a little dopamine hit every time you don’t face it. It learns: “Ah, avoidance = safety.” Over time, that fear grows quietly in the dark. So maybe you’re not healed, you’re just being avoidant.

Exposure therapy shines a light on it. You expose yourself to the fear in controlled, gradual doses until your brain realizes that nothing catastrophic happens. That’s called habituation, the nervous system recalibrates, the panic response fades. It is a way for you to learn that you can manage/control your fear of something that traumatize you. You build self-efficacy. The goal isn’t to never feel fear again, it’s to stop being ruled by it.

How to.

Treat it like emotional resistance training. Reframe it as a session, with a duration. For example: “I will endure anything and everything for this amount of time.” Like a boot camp.
Detach expectations. Don’t set any. If it goes well, Alhamdulillah, if it doesn’t, okay. And if you don’t do great, recalibrate later.
Practice micro-boundaries. Find small ways to stay grounded. Take a breather. Pass the baton. Step aside when you need to. Know how you’ll decompress after every exposure.
Use humor privately. Internal sarcasm can be a psychological shield. You can intellectualize the whole thing if you need to but know that your brain gets triggered by patterns, and rewiring what feels permanent takes time. Humor turns pain into something you own. It’s not avoidance when done with awareness; it’s alchemy. Like I said before, control the narrative.
Take a step back and be attentive to yourself. Notice the little signs, manage from spiralling, be gentle and compassionate to yourself.

I can read 100 books, I can say that I am healed, kan. But how to know for sure, unless I expose myself to the things that I avoid. So, let's d'oa for the best possible outcomes and may the odds be in my favor.

In omnia paratus

Little Thing 320: Falling with Purpose

2025-10-28T11:00:00.015+08:00

Apparently, my brother has been skipping all my nerdy posts lately because they’re too boring for his standards. And because I no longer want to entertain the art of “what works” by society’s standards or chase engagement, I’ll just keep posting all the nerdy things I’ve been collecting and thinking about all these years; the ones I used to feel too uncool to share.

I’ll just be myself and be boring; because, let’s be honest, I am as boring as what you see here. But this is now my playground, a place where I can write about whatever topics I want and fully embrace my nerdiness. I’m going to dissect my train of thought.

Today, I'm going to talk about the Galton board.

The Galton board is basically a vertical board with rows of pegs. You drop a bunch of tiny balls from the top, they bounce left or right as they hit each peg, and eventually they land in slots at the bottom forming a perfect bell curve; the normal distribution.

Even though every single ball's path is random, the choice is binary: either 0 or 1, left or right. Yet the overall pattern is still predictable each time. It is like a predictable chaos.

The metaphor in life:

You’re one of those little balls, bouncing between the pegs of circumstance; by luck, upbringing, choices, people, accidents, heartbreaks, opportunities. Each peg shifts your direction slightly left or right. You can’t control all the pegs, but over time, you still end up forming part of a bigger pattern. Most of the time, you are as normal as everyone else in this world.

BUT, some people end up on the far ends (the outliers), not because they are different or special, but because that’s just how probability works. Usually the super successful people or geniuses or dirty rich people, they are the odd ones in the system. The system itself tends toward balance, and this illusion of randomness produces order. I say 'illusion' because even though it seems random, there is hidden order behind it, there's mathematical equation to support every result.

What I want to say is, I know, life seems so hard. I can see it in the people around me, I can see the struggle, the pain, the confusion, the frustration. The whole ordeal of being alive. I'm not going to say that it is ok, or romanticize the struggle. It's just maybe, it is ok to just let yourself trust the math of life. That even when it feels chaotic, you’re still part of a pattern too large for you to see yet. You’re still falling toward form.

Every time you hit something hard, you’re absorbing a lesson, even if you don’t feel it yet, it is shaping you. And the good thing is, you are not alone, we are balancing the order together. This is not a cue for you to give up, it is a small reminder for you to feel slightly better about your wars.

Ok, questions for you (or maybe just ME):

How can we transform randomness into meaning? - I think by being aware of it, taking note of every instance in your life and learning from it. Being conscious and deliberate can change your views and perception, maybe you can't change your story, but you can change your narrative. At least if you a stuck in a phase, instead of being hopeless and in pain about it, you can be ridiculously at peace, hahah. I don't like the idea of being at peace with everything though, it feels like it takes the human flavour out of it, so play by your own stance lah.
If our lives follow a pattern like the Galton board, do we really have free will? I think we do, technically, you can still rewrite stories with effort and d'oa kan. Yes, there are certain things that are maktub; the fixed destiny; when and how you die, your jodoh, the major test/blessings that define your life; those are the core and you can't dodge them. But there's also conditional destiny; the part that response to your choices, effort and d'oa. That's the beautiful part about it; it’s both divine orchestration and our participation.
What would happen if you refused to fall? Is it possible? In physics, refusing to fall means defying gravity, an act that demands immense energy. But for what purpose? Not making any decision is still a decision, no response is also a form of response. It is not freedom, that's stasis, you are stuck, and that is its own kind of suffering, kan. How will you grow? Growth only happens in motion and motion requires falling.

So, fall with meaning, make your every pain and struggle count.

That’s the whole point of the ride.