4 Self-Care Techniques that Can Change Your Life | Nicolas Warner, Psy.D.

By Kent Hoffman

Babies need a secure attachment for many reasons including to survive and grow, to become individuals and to thrive in relationships.

Though many still focus on behavior in child rearing—perhaps because it’s something we can physically see—the evidence to parent with an emphasis on establishing secure attachment in children is too significant to ignore.

The following points make the case for why we should emphasize secure attachment in parenting, and have been adapted from my recent book, Raising a Secure Child:  How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child’s Attachment, Emotional Resilience and Freedom to Explore which I co-authored with Glen Cooper and Bert Powell.

1.   Secure attachment inoculates children against toxic stress.

If attachment is in fact an insistent, primal drive, imagine how stressful it must be to have it regularly thwarted. The stress of unmet attachment needs can certainly manifest in a child’s behavior, but research tells us that it can also derail children’s mental, emotional, social and physical growth development.

The kind of stress that starts in infancy when the pressures of being a helpless newborn is not eased by a parent’s comfort has been called “toxic stress,” because it creates pathways in the brain the keep the child on high alert for danger, making it difficult to concentrate on learning.

2.   Security keeps children on a healthy developmental track as they grow.

The stress of unsent attachment needs can burden a child not just in infancy but throughout growth. A landmark 30-year study at the University of Minnesota initiated in the mid-1970s found long-term patterns between secure attachment and specific aspects of development.

The Minnesota researchers found, for example, that children around grade 4 who had a secure attachment history had fewer behavior problems when their families were under major stress than those who did not. They also found links between insecurity and later psychological problems. Children whose parents were emotionally unavailable for comfort had more conduct disorders in adolescence and children whose parents resisted letting them explore were more likely to have anxiety disorders as teens.

The study also found an association (though not as strong) between both types of insecurity and depression—the children felt either hopeless and alienated or helpless and anxious.

The developmental path is filled with tasks for your baby to do, skills to learn, capacities to develop. Attachment plays a critical role in many of them.

3. Security paves the way for children to learn to regulate emotions.

Obviously, babies can’t handle the intense and baffling experience of emotions all by themselves and experts agree that a major goal of having a reliable parent or primary caregiver is to get help with infant distress and angst.

First, the parent or caregiver regulates the baby’s emotions from the outside—soothing her cries, singing lullabies, smiling gently at her, rocking her and so forth, As Baby learns that someone can help make difficult feelings acceptable and manageable, she increasingly turns to that caregiver in times of need and this helps her start to learn to soothe herself.

Ultimately, when all goes according to developmental plan, the child learns to regulate her own emotions. She’s also learned that she can turn to others for coregulation throughout life when she needs to. And the ability to coregulate emotions is a big part of intimacy later in life.

Being able to regulate emotions frees the child to go about the business of learning and growing and prevents the dangerous buildup of cortisol, promoting physical health, too.

4. Security helps children establish a healthy sense of self.

It might seem paradoxical that we gain a strong sense of self only in the context of others. But how can a baby recognize that he is an individual person without becoming aware that there is an “I” and a “you” in this “we”?

Secure attachment to a caring adult gives babies the support they need to become separate individuals by not asking them to deal with the confusion and distress of being alone and helpless. When a parent responds sensitively and warmly to a child’s earliest needs, the self is formed with every interaction.

It is in the first relationship that a baby’s individuation is cultivated, and it’s in all the rest of our relationships that we continue to develop throughout life. When attachment is secure, all the psychological capacities of the growing child are nurtured to form a coherent self—one where the individual’s memories and self-image make sense with the history that helped form them.

5. Secure attachment frees the mind to learn.

Children who are brought up with enormous stress, due to lack of comfort, among other necessities, are so busy preparing for danger that they can’t concentrate. Conversely, when children feel safe and supported, learning takes care of itself.

A secure attachment is the first social connection that helps your baby start learning: The parent serves as a secure base from which the child can explore; trust in the parent makes it easier for secure children to seek assistance with learning from parents; fruitful, pleasant interactions between parent and child obviously facilitate exchange of information; and through attachment, children develop a coherent sense of self and others that enable them to think clearly and regulate their thought process efficiently.

6. Security leads to confidence, which leads to self-reliance.

As a species, we’re not meant to be independent to the point of isolation or utter self-sufficiency, but we won’t live very long if we can’t become fairly independent. Just as it might on the surface seem paradoxical that we need an “other” to develop a “self,” children who can rely on an adult from birth will be able to rely on themselves when they get older—particularly because they will know when to seek the counsel or comfort of a trusted other.

Of course, the converse is also true: Children without a secure attachment can end up having trouble relying on themselves when they’re older, or they can end up unable to rely on anyone but themselves

7. Secure attachment is a foundation of true self-esteem.

Self-esteem has become a controversial concept. Not long ago, many parents and other adults dealing with children believed that self-esteem came from ensuring that children didn’t feel inferior to others: a gold star for everyone! Just for showing up!

But conventional wisdom has held that it’s competence, actually, that feeds self-esteem. At this point it probably won’t surprise you to read that secure attachment is the foundation for confidence and other attributes needed to develop competence.

When a parent is there for us a lot of the time, we get the message that we must be pretty deserving. If when a baby cries his mother consistently shows up to soothe him, mom is essentially sending the message that “I am here, and you are worth it,” from which the baby can conclude, “You are here, and I must be worth it.”

Secure babies start life with the big advantage of already knowing that when nothing makes sense in the world, there is someone who thinks they’re worth being with—no matter what.

Lastly, the idea that low self-esteem increases stress seems self-evident. We want our children to feel good about who they are and what they can do and not be wracked with envy or relentless competitiveness to prove their self-worth.

8. Secure attachment sets kids up for social competence.

Relationships are key to health and happiness in all the ways that these conditions can be measured. The idea of social competence encompasses all the ways we can benefit from the social parts of our lives: intimacy, mutual support, empathy, and getting along in all the domains of life, from school to work to home and community. In fact, social relationships affect a range of health outcomes, including mental health, physical health, health habits, and mortality risk.

9. Security makes way for better physical health.

Speaking of health, physical development depends on a matrix of complicated factors, owing from both nature (genetics and other biological influences, like illness) and nurture. Secure attachment has been linked with better physical health, although the pathway between the two isn’t well-defined.

What we do know is that supportive interactions with others benefit immune, endocrine, and cardiovascular functions and reduce wear and tear on the body due, in part, to chronically overworked physiological systems engaged in stress responses. These processes unfold over the entire life course, with effects on health.

So if attachment enhances social relationships as we know it does, and social relationships promote physical health as we know they do, then we can guess that attachment may promote physical health too. We do know that the psychological immunity from secure attachment reduces the wear and tear on the body that causes all kinds of disease.

Our approach has helped parents across the world raise secure children, but don’t take our word for it; see what one mother had to say about how our book supported her.

For more about our book and how to raise secure children, check out “Raising a Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child’s Attachment, Emotional Resilience and Freedom.”

Adapted with permission from Raising A Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child’s Attachment, Emotional Resilience, and Freedom to Explore, by K. Hoffman, G. Cooper, and B. Powell. (New York: Guilford Press: 2017).

Nine Ways Children Benefit From Secure Attachment | PsychCentral

Nine Ways Children Benefit From Secure Attachment | Nicolas Warner, Psy.D.

Asking yourself the ‘big questions’ about life is linked to lower depression and anxiety, new research finds.

Fear of confronting these kinds of questions, though, is linked to problems regulating the emotions.

Professor Julie Exline, study’s co-author said:

“Religious and spiritual struggles — conflicts with God or religious people, tough questions about faith, morality, and the meaning of life — these are often taboo topics, and the temptation to push them away is strong.

When people avoid these struggles, anxiety and depression tend to be more intense than if they faced these struggles head-on.

People who more fully embrace these struggles with fundamental beliefs and values report better mental health than those who don’t.”

The conclusions come from a survey of 307 people asked about recent life experiences.

“This avoidance may lead to the rejection of whole groups of people based on their religious differences or perceived incongruence between, for example, their sexuality or gender-based identity and religious teachings.

Professor Exline continued:

“People seem to be more emotionally healthy if they’re able to accept troubling thoughts.

Looking at spiritual doubts in an objective way seems to help.

You may or may not work through them, but at least you can tolerate having them.”

On the other hand, regularly pushing away existential thoughts will not stop them being troubling.

Professor Exline said:

“Regular spiritual avoidance can make it difficult to identify, work toward or experience the qualities that lend a sense of purpose to life.

Continually being re-visited by these thoughts can create strains on emotional health, especially if a person sees this kind of questioning as morally unacceptable and dangerous.”

The study was published in the Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science (Oemig Dworsky et al., 2016).

These Questions Linked To Lower Depression And Anxiety | PsyBlog

‘Big Questions’ Linked To Lower Depression And Anxiety | Nicolas Warner, Psy.D.

People experiencing anxiety may want to hide what is happening to them.

It can be difficult to tell when someone is suffering from anxiety.

Frequently people try to hide any mental health problems they are experiencing.

People don’t want others to see their weakness and fear that they will be misunderstood.

Here are seven subtle signs of anxiety which can help you to help them.

1. Disappearing

Anxiety can make people feel they want to escape or run away.

People experiencing anxiety may find it hard to continue doing the things they used to do.

For example, they may avoid contact with others in many subtle ways such as avoiding public transport or only going to deserted places.

They may also make excuses to avoid social occasions.

2. Change of eating habits

People experiencing anxiety may start eating more or a lot less — it takes people in different ways.

The important thing is the change.

Some people who are anxious eat less because they don’t feel hungry or feel too sick to eat or find it hard to keep food down.

Other people may use food as a distraction from their worries.

They might experience constant cravings for sweet foods or anything that redirects their attention away from worries.

3. Physical symptoms

While we tend to think of anxiety as being something that is primarily mental, it actually has many physical manifestations.

Indeed, the physical symptoms of anxiety can be extremely varied.

For example, someone experiencing anxiety may complain of headaches or stomach pain.

Some people experience a dry mouth and throat, others feel nauseous, others still might grind their teeth or have the urge to urinate constantly.

4. Difficulty focusing

Constant worrying makes it hard to focus.

People describe being a fog, or feeling dizzy or experiencing giddiness.

The swirl of anxious thoughts easily distracts from the task at hand.

It can make doing your job or even carrying out regular household chores much more challenging.

5. Poor sleep

Worries can keep people experiencing anxiety awake at night because they are exhausting.

Imagine drinking a double espresso and getting straight into bed.

With all that stimulation running around mind and body, it is difficult to drop off.

Similarly, when waking in the night, all those same anxieties are likely to come to the fore.

6. Change in appearance

Like weight, the appearance of people experiencing anxiety can go either way.

Some might start to lose interest in maintaining their physical appearance.

Clothes are not washed or ironed, hair unkempt and personal hygiene can suffer.

Alternatively, anxious people can become even more obsessed with their appearance.

People who are anxious are often perfectionists and their appearance is no different.

Again, a change in this other together with other signs could indicate excessive anxiety.

7. Need for excessive reassurance

Anxiety is frequently linked to difficulties making decisions or the avoidance of decisions.

Someone who is unusually anxious may request a lot of reassurance or help with their decisions.

Again, the thing to look for is a change in a person’s normal tendencies.

Anxiety: 7 Subtle Signs That Someone Is Suffering | PsyBlog

Anxiety: 7 Subtle Signs That Someone Is Suffering | Nicolas Warner, Psy.D.

Nature provides people ‘a sense of renewal’ which lowers anxiety, new research finds.

People who feel connected to nature have lower levels of anxiety, recent research finds.

Nature seems to provide people an escape from busy urban environments — a way to let their minds recover.

It may be that it is not even necessary to be in nature to get the benefit, as long as one feels connected to it.

For the research people were asked about what nature meant to them.

Here are six of the themes that emerged when people talked about what nature gave to them:

1. Relaxation

The authors explain:

“…nature induced relaxation and acted as a relief from stress.

Nature was also described as being responsible for feelings of peace and calm.

Some participants indicated that nature provided a sense of renewal, was re-grounding, and created feelings of fulfilment.”

2. Time out

The authors explain:

“…nature providing a sense of being away from the everyday, escape, and refuge.

Participants saw being in nature as being away from the urban environment and providing a sense of freedom.”

3. Enjoyment

People described how being in nature gave them a sense of enjoyment, joy, happiness and contentment.

4. Connection

More than pure enjoyment, though, being in nature gave people the sense of…

“…being connected to something larger and revolved around feeling immersed, being part of something bigger, at one with, or connecting with what was important.

Being connected to nature was occasionally spoken about in terms of being at one with the world which also had secondary benefits of feeling peaceful.”

5. Sensory engagement

A spiritual aspect was also important, the authors write:

“…nature was stimulating to the senses and was associated with ideas of beauty

This often included a spiritual aspect or a sense of the flawlessness of nature.

Nature allowed them to breathe fresh air, experience natural elements, such as sunshine, and find space to be alone.”

6. Healthy perspective

People reported that…

“…nature was responsible for wellbeing and positive health.

Those participants who mentioned the health benefits of nature considered that nature was very important to their everyday lives, their mental health, overall wellbeing, and fitness.”

The study was published in the Journal of Health Psychology (Martyn & Brymer, 2016).

6 Ways Being Connected To Nature Reduces Anxiety | PsyBlog

6 Ways Being Connected To Nature Reduces Anxiety | Nicolas Warner, Psy.D.

…and the type of memory problems that are nothing to worry about.

Almost everyone has memory glitches from time-to-time — they are usually not a sign of dementia.

Here are a few perfectly normal memory problems:

• Being unable to remember the word for something.
• After putting something down, being unable to remember where you left it.
• Having to think for a few minutes to remember where you left the car.
• Going upstairs, then forgetting why you are there.
• Forgetting something relatively unimportant someone has told you.

These are nothing to worry about.

Memory is also affected by poor sleep, stress and depression.

Most people who think they have some memory problems, actually do not.

The reason is that people who are having more serious memory problems are usually not aware of them.

Often it is friends and relatives who suggest a person having memory problems should get checked out.

Somewhat worrying memory problems to watch out for include:

1. Forgetting the name of a close friend or relative.
2. Regularly putting objects back in the wrong places and not remembering having left them there.
3. Asking someone the same question again 30 minutes later.
4. Trouble recognising words, faces, shapes or colours.
5. Finding it difficult to get around very familiar places, like the local area.
6. Difficulty doing multiple automated tasks. For example, a good cook who starts finding it hard to manage a very familiar recipe.
7. A large change in personality, such as becoming very introverted after being an outgoing, social person.

The signs above are slightly more worrying but could still be the result of stress, poor sleep or grief.

The Warning Signs

The following signs, though, are more serious and would probably warrant being checked out by a physician:

1. Not recognising close friends and relatives.
2. Getting disorientated about time and space.
3. Inability to tell the function of an everyday object — like a teapot.
4. Poor everyday judgement: like wearing summer clothes in winter.
5. Totally forgetting how to perform everyday tasks like using the washing machine.
6. Leaving things in strange places, like putting a handbag in the freezer.
7. Getting confused about the family structure. For example, being unable to match the grandchild to the right family.
8. Asking for something that has just been had, like a cup of coffee.
9. Having vivid memories from childhood, but faltering memories for very familiar recent memories.

Alzheimer’s image from Shutterstock

Dementia: 9 Warning Signs Everyone Should Know | PsyBlog

Dementia: 9 Warning Signs Everyone Should Know | Nicolas Warner, Psy.D.

…and the type of memory problems that are nothing to worry about.

Almost everyone has memory glitches from time-to-time — they are usually not a sign of dementia.

Here are a few perfectly normal memory problems:

• Being unable to remember the word for something.
• After putting something down, being unable to remember where you left it.
• Having to think for a few minutes to remember where you left the car.
• Going upstairs, then forgetting why you are there.
• Forgetting something relatively unimportant someone has told you.

These are nothing to worry about.

Memory is also affected by poor sleep, stress and depression.

Most people who think they have some memory problems, actually do not.

The reason is that people who are having more serious memory problems are usually not aware of them.

Often it is friends and relatives who suggest a person having memory problems should get checked out.

Somewhat worrying memory problems to watch out for include:

1. Forgetting the name of a close friend or relative.
2. Regularly putting objects back in the wrong places and not remembering having left them there.
3. Asking someone the same question again 30 minutes later.
4. Trouble recognising words, faces, shapes or colours.
5. Finding it difficult to get around very familiar places, like the local area.
6. Difficulty doing multiple automated tasks. For example, a good cook who starts finding it hard to manage a very familiar recipe.
7. A large change in personality, such as becoming very introverted after being an outgoing, social person.

The signs above are slightly more worrying but could still be the result of stress, poor sleep or grief.

The Warning Signs

The following signs, though, are more serious and would probably warrant being checked out by a physician:

1. Not recognising close friends and relatives.
2. Getting disorientated about time and space.
3. Inability to tell the function of an everyday object — like a teapot.
4. Poor everyday judgement: like wearing summer clothes in winter.
5. Totally forgetting how to perform everyday tasks like using the washing machine.
6. Leaving things in strange places, like putting a handbag in the freezer.
7. Getting confused about the family structure. For example, being unable to match the grandchild to the right family.
8. Asking for something that has just been had, like a cup of coffee.
9. Having vivid memories from childhood, but faltering memories for very familiar recent memories.

Alzheimer’s image from Shutterstock

Dementia: 9 Warning Signs Everyone Should Know | PsyBlog

Dementia: 9 Warning Signs Everyone Should Know | Nicolas Warner, Psy.D.

Conflict all around the world is caused by a lack of understanding and empathy with other groups.

People around the world are frequently in conflict with each other due to a lack of empathy.

When people don’t understand each other’s feelings, they are more likely to fight — especially if they are from different races, countries or cultures.

However, just two positive experiences with people from another group is enough to boost empathy with them, recent research finds.

The scientists were surprised as people normally take longer to learn positive associations than negative.

In the research, Swiss people were paired with those of Balkan descent.

People from the Balkans are seen as problematic immigrants by some in Switzerland.

The Swiss person expected to receive a painful electric shock to the back of the hand.

But they were apparently saved from this ordeal by someone with a typically Balkan name.

The Swiss person then observed someone else receiving a painful shock while their brain was scanned.

The brain response showed similar empathy with the other person whether they were Swiss or Balkan if they had had a positive experience with a Balkan beforehand.

Otherwise the Swiss people showed much less empathy when they saw the Balkan in pain.

Dr Grit Hein, the study’s first author, explained the results:

“These results reveal that positive experiences with a stranger are transferred to other members of this group and increase the empathy for them.”

The more positive interactions the Swiss people had with someone from the Balkans, the greater their empathic response towards them.

The study was published in the journal PNAS (Hein et al., 2015).

Brain illustration image from Shutterstock

Empathy With Strangers Can Be Learned In A Very Basic Way | PsyBlog

Empathy With Strangers Can Be Learned In A Very Basic Way | Nicolas Warner, Psy.D.

Decline in brain functions through normal ageing is a serious issue.

Both mental and physical exercise can improve cognitive ageing and brain function.

A study now shows that we need cognitive training  to improve executive function and aerobic exercises for improving memory.

In this study, healthy adults who were in the cognitive training group showed around an 8 per cent increase in brain blood flow and positive changes in brain function compared to those in the aerobic exercise group.

Compared to the cognitive training group, though, the exercisers showed a boost in immediate and delayed memory performance.

Dr Sandra Bond Chapman, study lead author, said:

“Many adults without dementia experience slow, continuous and significant age-related changes in the brain, specifically in the areas of memory and executive function, such as planning and problem-solving.

We can lose 1-2 percent in global brain blood flow every decade, starting in our 20s.

To see almost an 8 percent increase in brain blood flow in the cognitive training group may be seen as regaining decades of brain health since blood flow is linked to neural health.”

The training programs were both three hours a week for 12 weeks.

The cognitive group received Strategic Memory Advanced Reasoning Training (SMART), manualized brain training developed by the research team.

The training focused on three functions: strategic attention (prioritizing brain resources); integrative reasoning (synthesizing information at a deeper level); and innovation (encouraging fluid thinking, diverse perspective-taking, and problem solving).

The aerobic exercise group sessions were five minutes of warm-up and cool down plus 50 minutes of indoor cycling or walking on a treadmill, while their maximum heart rate was 50-75 percent.

Professor Mark D’Esposito, one of the study’s authors, said:

“Most people tell me that they want a better memory and notice memory changes as they get older.

While memory is important, executive functions such as decision-making and the ability to synthesize information are equally, if not more so, but we often take them for granted.

The takeaway: Aerobic activity and reasoning training are both valuable tools that give your brain a boost in different ways.”

The reasoning training sessions suggested that an increase in global cerebral blood flow was related to  concerted mental effort.

Dr Chapman explained:

“We believe the reasoning training triggered neural plasticity by engaging the brain networks involved in staying focused on a goal, such as writing a brief business proposal, while continuously adapting to new information, such as feedback from a collaborator.”

The physical training group, unlike the reasoning training group, didn’t show enough changes in global blood flow.

However, the exercisers had higher blood flow in the area of the brain that is essential for memory function, especially related to ageing and dementia.

Dr Laura DeFina, one of the study author, said:

“We know that physical activity can lead to improved fitness levels.

In our Cooper Center Longitudinal Study population, higher fitness has been shown to result in less all-cause dementia with aging.

The current study highlights the benefit of training both the body and the brain, as both produce observable benefits.

The initial findings are encouraging and underscore the need for a multifaceted approach when it comes to brain health.”

The study was published in Frontiers in Human Neuroscience (Chapman et al., 2016).

Woman climbing image from Shutterstock

The Type Of Exercises That Can Improve Brain Function | Healthiest Blog

The Type Of Exercises That Can Improve Brain Function | Nicolas Warner, Psy.D.

Focusing on the future can help couples deal with relationship conflicts, new research finds.

When people imagined how they would feel in one year’s time, they thought and felt better about their relationships.

Mr Alex Huynh, the lead author of the study, said:

“When romantic partners argue over things like finances, jealousy, or other interpersonal issues, they tend to employ their current feelings as fuel for a heated argument.

By envisioning their relationship in the future, people can shift the focus away from their current feelings and mitigate conflicts.”

For the study, people thought back to a recent conflict with a friend or romantic partner.

One group thought about how they felt in the moment.

Another group imagined how they would feel one year in the future.

Both groups then wrote about their relationships.

An analysis of the text showed that thinking about the future had positive effects:

• People wrote more positive about their relationships.
• They used more words related to forgiveness and understanding.

The study shows the importance of how people respond to conflict in a relationship.

Mr Huynh said:

“Our study demonstrates that adopting a future-oriented perspective in the context of a relationship conflict — reflecting on how one might feel a year from now — may be a valuable coping tool for one’s psychological happiness and relationship well-being.”

The trick of giving yourself a little psychological distance has all sorts of other benefits.

It can help you generate self-insight, gain emotional control, improve self-control and even trigger wise thoughts.

The study was published in Social Psychological and Personality Science (Huynh et al., 2016).

Couple image from Shutterstock

This Simple Relationship Exercise Promotes Forgiveness And Understanding | PsychBlog

This Simple Relationship Exercise Promotes Forgiveness And Understanding | Nicolas Warner, Psy.D.