Philistine Overture

#36 Your Personally Curated Sex Playlist

Byrne A. Hollander — Wed, 15 Jul 2015 20:47:29 +0000

And we’re back with another episode of Philistine Overture! We’ll be broadcasting this term 7pm on Thursdays! Also, you can download ALL 36 of our past playlists here ^{(unless you exclusively use a streaming service in which case}^{I have nothing for you}⁾

BUT tonight, you can listen to the show live @ 7pm with the TuneIn app or online at:

http://listentomyfuckingradioshow.com

Up next is show #36 and I’ll be in the studio in about two hours with prospective voyeurist and Spotify-famous Jane Handorff ⁽^{you may know her from such playlists as “}^{Makeout Music for Cool Kids}^{” and “}^{Coffee Club}^“)
I’m so used to being stimulated by music that deafening silence strikes me more often than most. So I have a covertly named playlist for when a potential mate asks to be see the place where I sleep and I don’t want to stumble through awkward pre-foreplay conversation sans musical backdrop. But Jane and I wanted to create a more universal playlist: a playlist for Joe Sixpack and Plain Jane (no relation to the co-compiler of this playlist).

We quickly realized that the quality of this playlist is of utmost importance–even the highly-acclaimed scholars at Glamour wrote that “some songs might not be appropriate for your night of fun: it’s hard to feel sexy with someone yelling about a monster truck rally in the background.” Rethinking how to set the mood, we completely scrapped our playlist compiled from the MonsterJamThemeSongs YouTube channel.

Finally, after weeks of “fieldwork” we came to understand that the hallmark of a successful sex playlist is thetrajectory of the “beats-per-minute” (also known as BPM). After careful consideration, we’re finally ready to present:

¸¸.•*¨*• your personally curated sex playlist¸¸.•*¨*•

For illustrative purposes, see this example of Isaac ^{(names changed to protect identities)} using this playlist:

Through potentially nefarious methods (listening to her, asking provoking questions, playfully touching her) Isaac lures an unsuspecting lass to his dreamless dungeon of lost fantasy.
Back in his dungeon, the girl becomes distraught, seeing the mess of a room he lives in. It’s literally a dungeon that looks like it has been transformed from BDSM paradise to jailing quarters to a place where Isaac would live.
Silence courses through Jasmine’s body as the cold, dense walls simulate an echo chamber that allows her to clearly discern her own heartbeat. She notices it speeding up. Faster. And faster.
But suddenly, a song plays through the dungeon’s surprisingly high quality surround sound system. This fucker’s got 5 speakers in his ceiling and 2 subwoofers on the ground; little did we know, Isaac won the Dungeon Digest award for “Best Home Audio System” in 2009.
This first track is Do I Wanna Know? by the Arctic Monkeys, a familiar song yet provocative in this new context. It both calms Jasmine and prevents her from maintaining a poignant awareness of her pulse. At a cool 60 beats-per-minute (BPM), she is beginning to warm up to this underground dungeon. The song ends, but fear not: a slightly faster song has taken its place.
Jasmine is now beginning to feel comfortable in this unusual setting, and Isaac pounces on this fleeting window of opportunity, as he has read exactly three e-books on seduction. He declares “I have a secret to tell you.” She obliges, leaning in to hear “If there’s no cat, where’s the cat?”
Stunned by this fascinating philosophical question, she thinks back to Saussure, but before she can even recall his first name (it’s Ferdinand, by the way), Isaac leans in for the kiss, in perfect alignment with the transition to the next song on the playlist.
The BPM continues to increase, now at its absolute maximum. Because Isaac detests foreplay and lacks what we call “stamina”, he downloaded the “early finisher” version of the playlist. Almost immediately after penetration, the Usher song “Climax” interjects as Isaac fulfills his biological impulse to procreate.
In the post-coital aftermath, the BPM sharply decreases, mirroring the feeling of the refractory period. The following song is a little more upbeat, but Isaac decides he would rather rest his eyes than continue to expend energy on seduction techniques such as conversation. In his own misogynistic way, he considered this one act of sex as a prize to be added to the trophy cabinet residing in his ego.
Disappointed by her suitor’s decision to immediately fall asleep post-ejaculation, Jasmine borrows Isaac’s MP3 device and a pair of headphones to listen to the rest of “Your Personally Curated Sex Playlist”. She is at once disgusted by the premise, but the disgust quickly becomes embarrassment as she recognizes its success in seducing her via its deft timing and masterful curation.
In fact, it is now at the “walk home” phase, keeping her just awake enough to make it home but not enough to overstimulate her.
Really thinking about it, the night ended in bad, awkward, drunken college sex but that’s not really the playlist’s fault. Still, Jasmine discovered a few new songs (how had she gone on for 20 years without ever listening to Massive Attack?! That neon harpsichord on Teardrop levitating the elusive lyrics to access such an intense emotional register… AM I RIGHT?) and in Whoville they say Isaac’s ego grew three sizes that day.

Remember, this is just one way the playlist can be used; I bet it even works better if you genuinely like one another! On a more serious note, hopefully you recognize its inherent power and please only use it for good, not evil.

Also, you can still get added to the list of future radio show hosts! All you have to do is blitz me back with the subject “You’re so irresistible you must have a unique gene mutation that results in overwhelmingly powerful pheromone production. You should really contact the military about it, I’m sure they can find a way to weaponize it”. Bonus points if you literally find a way to weaponize my pheromones.

** seriously, don’t forget to tune in to the radio show!

** can you identify the artwork in this week’s cover art? first person to get it correct wins nothing: why do you think you deserve a prize for recognizing a work of art? you pretentious jerk

** don’t forget to wear sunscreen! seriously watch this video!

** download last week’s playlist of Chillwave: link

———> download this week’s playlist: link <———

FORM: You can signup your friends to get added to this Blitz list through this Google Form

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IF YOU WANT TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM THIS LIST, KINDLY A SEX TAPE TO BHOLLANDER823@GMAIL.COM WHERE YOU WILL BE EVALUATED ON THE FOLLOWING CRITERION:

ENTHUSIASM: BE AN EAGER BEAVER
ACTING ABILITY: YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE OSCAR-NOMINEE-TALENTED, BUT AT LEAST AIM TO WIN AN MTV MOVIE AWARD OR THE AVN; I’M JUST LOOKING FOR A POWERFUL EMOTIONAL CONNECTION
THE QUALITY OF YOUR NICOLAS CAGE IMPRESSION: IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT YOU SAY THE LINE “OK LET’S RIDE” FROM HIS HIT 2000 BLOCKBUSTER GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS
YOUR ABILITY TO SIMULTANEOUSLY JUGGLE TWO DIFFERENT TYPES OF BALLS IN A COMPROMISING POSITION: REGULATION JUGGLING BALLS AND THOSE BIG TENNIS BALLS MADE FOR BEGINNERS
LASTLY, ABSOLUTELY NO FLESH CAN BE SHOWN IN THE VIDEO: I’M NOT SAYING WEAR A HEADSCARF, BUT WEAR A HEADSCARF (ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE A MALE–WE DON’T WANT YOU TO UNINTENTIONALLY TEMPT SOMEONE INTO SOMETHING SOMEONE MIGHT REGRET)

IF DEEMED SATISFACTORY YOU WILL BE UNSUBSCRIBED FROM THIS LIST AND YOUR VIDEO WILL BE POSTED ON MY NEW PORNOGRAPHY WEBSITE THAT CONNECTS CHRONIC MASTURBATORS WITH CONTENT PRODUCERS FOR DIRECT COMPENSATION (AND YOU STILL OWN YOUR OWN CONTENT). IT’S A GOOD BUSINESS MODEL, RIGHT?

~ YOU ARE AN ISLAND OF REALITY IN AN OCEAN OF DIARRHEA ~

11 New Indie Music

Byrne A. Hollander — Thu, 06 Feb 2014 19:00:29 +0000

[audio https://s3.amazonaws.com/philistineoverture/2014/11+New+Indie+Music.mp3 ] This is playlist number 11 and was co-hosted by a person. NEED MORE INFO

10 Songs with the word “Hand” or “Hands” in the title

Byrne A. Hollander — Thu, 30 Jan 2014 19:00:43 +0000

[audio https://s3.amazonaws.com/philistineoverture/2014/10+Hands.mp3 ] Definitely the weirdest playlist we’ve done. It was a lot of fun and for some reason we threw in American Pie at the end. It was co-hosted by Liza Grainger. Check it out!

09 Soft Rock / Folksy

Byrne A. Hollander — Thu, 23 Jan 2014 19:00:10 +0000

[audio http://s3.amazonaws.com/philistineoverture/2014/09+Soft+Rock-Folksy+01-23-14.mp3 ]

This is playlist number 9 and I cant remember who the co-host was? This is a good playlist, can’t remember too much about it though.

08 Classical

Byrne A. Hollander — Thu, 16 Jan 2014 19:00:30 +0000

[audio http://s3.amazonaws.com/philistineoverture/2014/08+Classical+01-16-14.mp3 ] Playlist number 8! It was 100% co-hosted by Lota Ezenwa. This was an interesting playlist to do, I really did not know much about the genre. Lota had some really cool song suggestions. Check it out!

07 Music

Byrne A. Hollander — Thu, 09 Jan 2014 19:00:15 +0000

[audio http://s3.amazonaws.com/philistineoverture/2014/07+Music+01-9-14.mp3 ] This is playlist number 7 and was co-hosted by Lizzy? I was lazy and did not come up with a theme this week (the first time of many to come). It was good though! I think this was the first broadcast of 2014.

05 Blues

Byrne A. Hollander — Thu, 21 Nov 2013 19:00:44 +0000

[audio http://s3.amazonaws.com/philistineoverture/2013/05+Blues+11-21-13.mp3 ] This is playlist number 5 and was co-hosted by Alison Flint. This show was really cool and I knew even less about Blues than Bluegrass. It was definitely broadcast on 11/21/13 after the foco challenge and I have Blitz evidence. The playlist was great and the opera song was not actually played, as far as I remember. I cannot find a 6th playlist so next is playlist 7.

04 Bluegrass

Byrne A. Hollander — Thu, 14 Nov 2013 19:00:44 +0000

[audio http://s3.amazonaws.com/philistineoverture/2013/04+Bluegrass+11-14-13.mp3 ] This is playlist number 4! It featured our first live performance from Julie Solomon on the ukulele. She played while singing Titanium! This was the first show where I learned a lot about one particular genre, and now I’m a big fan of bluegrass. It had to be on November 14 because that was National Pickle Day! Check out the playlist.

03 What’s New in Hipster Music

Byrne A. Hollander — Thu, 17 Oct 2013 19:00:06 +0000

[audio http://s3.amazonaws.com/philistineoverture/2013/03+What%27s+New+in+Hipster+Music+10-17-13.mp3 ] This is playlist number 3! Still no commentary but I think the host was Chanelle Qi (because she never heard of any of the music and only knew country.) The banter was great, I wish we had it. Hosting was becoming easier and the playlist is pretty great. Download the songs individually (maybe this will work?): http://goo.gl/DETktO

02 Universally Liked Rap

Byrne A. Hollander — Thu, 03 Oct 2013 19:00:35 +0000

[audio http://s3.amazonaws.com/philistineoverture/2013/02-Univerally+Liked+Rap+10-3-13.mp3 ] This was my second radio show playlist ever. I think it was the next week, so October 3, 2013. Still don’t know who the host was. It is also just the songs linked together without commentary. I was still a pretty bad host at this point, but I was still having a lot of fun!

01 Daze

Byrne A. Hollander — Thu, 26 Sep 2013 19:00:38 +0000

[audio http://s3.amazonaws.com/philistineoverture/2013/01-Daze+09-26-13.mp3 ] This was my first radio show playlist ever! I think it was on September 26, 2013 and it was before I had a blitz list so I have no idea who the host was :(. It is also just the songs linked together without commentary. The theme was dream pop and shoegaze music.