Long before social critics began fretting over “the death of the grown up,” marketers were tracking focus group findings on the quickly shifting values, affinities and loyalties of adult consumers (remember the “retro brand” craze of 2001, which relaunched everything from Converse to Radio Flyer?).

Given this early jump and expertise, you’d expect campaigns aimed at rejuveniles to be knowing, or at least reasonably on-target. But the sad fact is that, with few exceptions, ads aimed at rejuveniles evoke cringes, eye rolls and heavy sighs in the very people they’re designed to reach. A few manage to find a way to cleverly capture their fears and aspirations. But the vast majority fall horribly flat, either by regurgitating tired old clich’s about childish adults or mistaking garden-variety nostalgia or rebellion for rejuvenile’s complicated but ultimately hopeful natures.

Take the current ad for Oreos Candy Bites, which features a power-suited professional looking out the window of a cab at women blowing bubbles, jumping rope and playing hopscotch. Clearly responding to research showing more adults than ever gravitating toward a brand that has always been associated with kids, Oreo can think of nothing more to say than how wacky and unusual it is. Thus we get women playing hopscotch in heels in the Oreo ad, or worse, businessmen pogo-sticking and hula-hooping in Nestle Crunch’s egregious ?For the Kid in You? campaign, which reduced the entire rejuvenile phenomenon down to bubbles and hopscotch.

This is just the sort of cluelessness that causes conniptions in rejuveniles. They may appear silly, but make no mistake: rejuveniles can’t stand being pandered to. They hate seeing themselves represented as starry-eyed goofballs. Never mind that many of them —  focus groups, many will admit that they felt goofy and starry-eyed the first time they wore a Cocoa Puffs cuckoo bird T-shirt or took a spin on their kid’s tricycle. But the novelty has long since worn off. They’re now either doing those things entirely unselfconsciously, in which case these ads seem hopelessly unhip, or they’ve moved on to another kid centric activity (like assembling Lego spacecraft, or collecting American Girl dolls).

The point is simple: aim at the starting point of a moving target and you’ll miss every time. To keep pace with rejuveniles, you’re better off ignoring surfaces and creating associations with shared values, like their need to stay playful in the face of adult responsibilities, or their impulse to buck the forces of conformity and routine, or their belief that adults are inventing a more flexible, open-ended version of maturity.

Take your local convenience store. Check out the snack — you’ve got your adult Cape Cod Potato Chips, your teen-leaning Doritos and your kid-targeted Cheetos. What adult in their right mind would eat a snack promoted by a sneaker-clad spokescat? While snackfood giant Frito-Lay doesn’t release market research data, it seems clear that Cheetos have become a major flashpoint in rejuvenile’s assault on age norms. Many adults are content to causally gobble down a bag in the privacy of their workplace cubicle. Others publicly flaunt their Cheetos affiliation, proudly displaying their stained orange fingers to friends and coworkers or posting weird online video clips as proof of their playful, mischievous spirits. Eating ‘em is just the beginning:

??Members of the fabulous a-capella drag act the Kinsey Sicks stick ?em in their well-powdered noses.

??Pajama-clad brunette tosses ?em, gobbles ?em, spits ?em.

??Talkative co-ed colors her hair to match ?em.

??Science geeks light ?em up, dunk ?em in booze, then down the firey cheesy cocktail (ow!)

- Clearly understimulated Iowans celebrate ?em as prime tourist attraction.

Capture that Flag. An epic five-family game of Capture the Flag over the weekend has reawakened my love for this ridiculously involving kidgame. Players aged 5-50 got completely immersed in strategizing, sprinting and stealthy sneaking for two-plus hours. Only bummer was waking up next morning to find myself sore in all sorts of unmentionable nooks and crannies. Recuperating at home, play guru Bernie DeKoven tipped me off to this newfangled urban street version. The organizers are New Mind Space, a wildly commendable art-play gang that hosts rejuvenile street event/games/happenings like last week’s light saber battle, street pillow fights and “bubble battles.” Check their website for upcoming events in Toronto, New York, San Francisco, Boston, Chicago, Montreal and Vancouver.

Baffling toys. Bored by Barbie? Unmoved by Legos? Maybe it’s time to graduate to a new, weirder class of plaything. How about a she-male baby doll? Or a Playmobile Hazmat crew? The online edition of that long-lost juvenile humor mag Cracked has an amazing compendium of ?25 of the weirdest, most ill-conceived toys from around the globe.? I myself am now determined to get my own ?toilet training tiger,? complete with sound chip that blurts “Crap! Crap like a champion!” (Thanks to “Count” Conte for the tip).

Bad-ass toys. I like to think of myself as a conscientious parent. I generally avoid battery-operated, crash-bang toys in favor of puzzles and blocks and other playthings that encourage open-ended imaginative play and so on and we’re all free, free to be you and me whatever. The point is, I avoid toys that will turn my offspring into spastic, ultraviolent little maniacs. But sometimes a dad can’t help it. Two new recent arrivals in our household have inspired mad fits of fun in both the 8-year-old boy and his 30-something dad. The first is the V-Bot, a Transformer-like robot that, with the touch of a remote, twists and folds and turns into a respectable red sports car that can zoom and careen around the house and utterly terrify the family dog (Check out YouTube clip of astonishing transformation here). From the same manufacturer comes Battle Wheels, a line of remote controlled, anime-inspired wheeled robots that bash into each other, Rock Em Sock Em Robot-style. Both toys have inspired hours of unimaginative, closed-ended and entirely awesome fun.

Wiggleheads? Really? We all know kids go bananas for Australian kiddie pop TV stars The Wiggles. But somehow I thought that even the most golly-gee rejuveniles would be immune from their super-cheery, crazy-creepy shtick (is it just me, or does the guy in purple look like the kind of fellow who circles playgrounds in tinted-window vans?). But proving yet again that literally anything kids enjoy will be inevitably taken up by rejuveniles, the group has attracted a loyal adult fanbase that calls itself (wait for it) the Wiggleheads. Amusing/horrifying Q&As with die-hard Wiggles groupies here.

Tally-ho, U.K. Rejuveniles! Shadowy benefactor Gideon Reeling (either the name of an esteemed 71-year-old British mogul or the moniker of a production company run by a cheeky group of London theater geeks) is footing the bill for a fantastic weekend of creative fun on the banks of the Thames. The Hide & Seek Festival is the first U.K. event to showcase “pervasive games,” those gussied-up scavenger hunts and elaborate make-believe scenarios that have begun to trickle down to us plebes from the gaming elite (witness the Come Out & Play Festival in New York, which recently announced dates for its second annual event). The esteemed Mr. Reeling has assembled a roster of activities described as “all the best games you played as a kid with a grown up twist.” The games will “transform the city into a playground, make your heart race, change the way you see the world and get you playing nicely with others.”  Game titles include Sheer Lunacy, Drunkpunch and Mr. Reeling’s Assistants (in which players will experience the thrill of running pointless errands for a 71-year-old mogul! Bonus round: sponge bath!)

Mighty Mamas Skate! Mother’s Day approacheth, a day of beautiful bouquets, breakfasts in bed and insane ollies on the half pipe (cue comical record scratch). For the fourth year running, Barb Odanaka (the Orange County housewife-turned-skate rat profiled in chapter two of Rejuvenile) is organizing the Mighty Mama Skate-O-Rama, a day of wicked tricks, awesome raffles and party-hearty celebration for skateboarding moms. Festivities begin at 10 am, Sunday May 13 at the Laguna Niguel Skatepark in south Orange County. More information here (click on “Barb’s Blog”).

Books + babysitters + booze = awesome playdate. Parent Play, the Manhattan party planners that specialize in family-friendly weekend parties, have another great event coming up: Get Up & Giggle, a pre-Memorial Day bash that will feature a discussion with Christie Mellor, author of the seminal momoir The Three Martini Playdate, along with the usual assortment of spa treatments and gift bags for adults and supervised fun for the kiddies. You’ll have to dig deep into your allowance for this one, however: tickets are $70 a family ($80 at the door).

Come hear my predictable answer (they shouldn—t), along with provocative chin-stroking from two wittier and prettier panelists, Brett Paesel (Mommies Who Drink) and Erika Schickel (You’re Not the Boss of Me). Our moderator is LA Times feature vet Robin Abcarian.

The panel is slated for Sunday, April 29 at 11:30 am in Moore 100. A full schedule for Sunday is here.

The festival is always terrific; this year’s schedule includes appearances and discussions with Arianna Huffington, Pico Iyer, T.C. Boyle, Ray Bradbury and James Ellroy. Admission is free, but you need tickets to attend certain panels and speaker sessions. Order your tickets at no charge through Ticketmaster.

Hope to see you at the festival!

But make no mistake: being a rejuvenile is also about being a target market. At this very moment, smart and well-compensated account execs are formulating sophisticated campaigns to sell you —  the thirtysomething cubicle farmer, you the grizzled Boomer with the BMW skateboard, you the fiftysomething Arielholic.

No interest in chocolate bars laced with bits of dehydrated rice? What if it possesses the power to release ?the kid in you?? Anxious about finding yourself in a tract house with kids and a minivan? Then strike back! Adorn your walls with framed Chris Ware posters, get thee a belly ring, start a garage band!

Not that there’s anything wrong with belly rings, garage bands, or for that matter, being a target market. As players in a highly mediated, ever-more-commercialized new century, we’re all data points in a vast commercial matrix. Pretending to be above such things is futile.

The trick is knowing the difference between what we genuinely want and what we’re being sold. None of us want our mindsets shaped by commercial forces (even if they are). As easy as it is to fall back into tractable, pre-adult neediness ? Look, a shiny thing! Wait, I want candy! ? we can all agree we’re far better off recognizing a pitch when it comes along and deciding consciously and deliberately whether to accept it.

Me, I reject Nestle Crunch bars and belly rings. Here, though, are a few rejuvenile-targeted goods and services I simply cannot resist:

? The Crayola Crayon Executive Pen. For the truly self-possessed executive, this brass ballpoint pen has the weight and gravitas of the corner office and the cheery playfulness of the romper room. Store it on your desk next to your Executive Set Sea Monkey set and send a clear message: you are not a Dilbert drone.

Hidden Lemonade Stand Easter eggs. Kim & Jason, the reigning rejuvenile power couple from Madison, WI are doing a cool contest in conjunction with their online store the Lemonade S —  prizes by locating the hidden Easter eggs nestled among childlike goodies. But be careful? you just might find yourself leavign with an “Adulthood stinks” T-shirt or a copy of their eseential how-to manual Escape Adulthood.

Perpetual Kid ? Online retailer for dizzying variety of rejuvenile novelties and doo-dads, organized into categories including “office toys” (banana cell phone cover, crocodile staple remover, Buddha pencil top), “fun fragrances” (Play-Doh Cologne, eau-du-birthday cake) and “things that shoot” (marshmallow shooters, airzookas, rubber band guns).

??Big Fun toy store. A friend visiting Cleveland happened upon what she describes as rejuvenile —  cluttered and crazed collection of new and used toys, models, action figures, board games and lunchboxes. Owner Steve Presser has a thing for vintage commercial tie-ins, from the obvious (Star Wars, Care Bears) to the obscure (M.A.S.K., Mr. T). No website; visit them on your next jaunt to Ohio: 1827 Coventry Rd, Cleveland Ohio.

???All Grown Up? image gallery ? My old friend Jeff Schmidt alerted me to this catalog of commercial photographs from the The Veer Image Bank. I wasn’t aware that commercial picture services had gotten so arty and —  images are way more expressive and subtle than the highly staged, brightly lit, artificial pictures I associate with commercial photography. More impressive still is how this collection of pictures transcends the usual media stereotypes about —  are no wacky shots of losers playing videogames in their moms? basement. Instead we get images of couples playing with their kids, guys playing foosball and women practicing guitar, accompanied by clever captions that suggest the anxiety and playfulness that’s so characteristic of us not-quite-grown-ups. For all those well-compensated account execs working on campaigns aimed at our demographic, this is an invaluable creative tool.