Don’t get me wrong I lived my best life throughout my late teens and 20’s, although  I swayed violently through loving myself and not. At the same time as battling my mental health, my body dysmorphia and various eating disorders.  The years and years of  therapy   I have had the fortune to have, has played a huge part on how I view myself now and how I view the world.  So much so I actually miss the Miss World show (ok maybe not the swimwear section - that was a bit weird) and the hope that it gave my 8 year old self.  I think women are about to come into their own.  I think that women are about to change the world.  It might not happen overnight but I can definitely feel that change.

As a woman in business it hasn’t been all that easy, after all as a mother too, I have other priorities.  Which sometimes scupper all plans of world domination, although in a way we are in control of world domination after all it is us that have the power to shape the future.  Educate the minds of tomorrow, in order for this world to flourish and grow hopefully in a more sustainable and peaceful way.  A recent article I read about Caitlin Moran talked about how she was thankful to her husband for taking on the parenting role full time, which allowed her to get on with the task of book writing and screenplay writing (which if any of you have seen How to Build a Girl, will agree, that was a good call).  I must say I am grateful  for this recent viral outbreak. It has given our family the chance to reassess our lives, our priorities and also our roles in bringing up our son.  It has given us the space we needed as a family to do what is best for us.  In finding this peace and having this gratitude, it’s enabled me to also reflect on all my therapy and to put in place the final part of becoming me in my full beautiful womanly ways.  I am able to see my potential and my part in this world.  I am able to see how my plans for my business can bring about change and with that hopefully World Peace.  My desire to build a brand that values self love.  That supports mental health and strives to get that message out there. I hope to give people that emotional support too.

 (I would like to put a massive caveat right here ...That this lockdown has also highlighted that women are often placed at the bottom of the pile when it comes to their careers and education not just in this country but this is a worldwide issue that needs to be highlighted - Often during this lockdown our chosen careers and lifestyle has been placed on the back burner and almost demoted as unnecessary and unneeded - there is a lot to be written and spoke about on this subject and as women we need to keep raising our voice to be heard (unfortunately when we do this we are also told to calm down and stop being hysterical a recent interview on This Morning highlighted this all too well I was embarrassed to watch and felt extremely sorry for Denise Welch when she tried to highlight the issue of the impact of government decisions on young people’s mental health.  Denise is extremely passionate about this subject as am I except she seemed to be chastised for being hysterical.  Which was very upsetting to see.  It does however show exactly how far we have yet to go to make ourselves heard)

So what about you?  Have you changed how you do things?  As women we are sometimes yet to see our full potential.  We sometimes aren’t given the support we need in order to raise well rounded individual children or even to pursue our chosen careers.  Take Sweden as an example where parenting rights are equal and children have access to wrap around care.  We in the UK are yet to make this happen, I feel this is just one step in what needs to be done in order to make a modern sustainable world.  As women in business we require a more flexible lifestyle in order for us to live a more fulfilling life.   I hate to get all political but the powers that be really don’t appear to understand this world that we are living in or the challenges, expectations and fears that modern women have.  There seems to be a constant fight and sensationalism, with small victories like #metoo but as I have said many times before, baby steps.  After all us mothers can completely understand that analogy and appreciate what immense growth and change can come from that.

So on this American Women in Business Day, I as an International Woman in Business look to all women whether in business or not, to take time to self evaluate and revel in your success and achievements.  Take pride in your motherly duties that build a future generation and be brave enough to ask for help and support in order for you to achieve your full potential.  Find your voices and be able to speak up above that most masculine of noise.  After all we don’t wanna unleash our inner Amazonian or do we?. I have a lot of gratitude (it’s World Gratitude Day too) for the women who have helped and supported me and my mental health.  Allowing me to reach this point in my life not quite my full potential but I’m getting there.  Hopefully one day I will get to see a more peaceful and equal world (celebrating International Day of Peace too).  Where all voices are heard and valued without having to raise them to deafening crescendo.

How many friends do you have?  You may have been told to go make some or perhaps break up with some?   Mainly for your own good.  Those friends may have been leading you astray or your parents have worried about your loneliness and felt you needed to get out of your shell and go socialise?  Perhaps you're loosing friends left right and centre?

Maybe friends have been hard to find and you’re wondering if you have any real ones? Well here’s a story that you might appreciate.?  It’s my own personal tale of friendship highs and friendship woes.  People who have popped up when I've least expected it and those who have turned out to be wolves in sheep's clothing.  Hopefully you will be able to relate and it might even put your mind at rest.

Do you wanna be in my gang?

Unfortunately this phrase has a multitude of wrong associations attributed to it but it’s still something that rings in my ears from my teens and before then.  Being in a gang and belonging to something was always held up with high esteem.  After all, who are you if you don’t have any friends?  Let’s face it, being in a gang not only sounds cool but it looks cool, doesn’t it?

If like me you grew up on matinee films on a Sunday, you may have been indoctrinated as to what friendship groups looked like. Those films from the 80s and 90s always had gangs at the centre, a group of friends who were there for each other no matter what.  The films of that era set a precedent for friendship. They depicted the coolest people, doing the most fun things. They made the bad guys turn good and the odd girl turn cool.  The bad girl always learned her lesson and they all lived happily ever after.   Just take a look at films like Heathers or the Lost Boys, Legally Blonde or perhaps even Grease. Or a personal favourite Westside Story.

I don’t know about you but I've always felt like an outsider.  Someone on the periphery.  That strange gawky girl who stood awkwardly on the edges and looked in , not quite finding anything in common with the greater good and always feeling a little shy in groups, let alone crowds.

As a child I was constantly told to make some, and as a very young girl I had a couple.  Well they were sort of accumulated.  Mainly because they lived on the same estate as me and my mum had said hello to their mum at play group.  They (the mums) had connected over coffee and donuts and we (the children) because the same age of sorts, lumped together to get on with each other and play.  I vaguely remember these play dates, a few of them stick in my mind, one that combined a hamster and a turntable and another with socks, Daly Thompson and a Sinclair ZX spectrum, hold a strong visual memory for me.

But the comings and goings of friends has always been painful. It stems mainly from my first real heartbreak of a broken friendship, a relationship that at the time meant everything to me.  But only recently at the age of 47 was it truly broken down for what it was and finally put to rest .  And thus the mystery of friendships was forever broken and the saying 

Friends for a Reason 

Friends for a Season 

Friends for Life 

Finally gave me closure.

When friends leave you out

So let's start this particular paragraph  with the tale of a best friend that was never really one.  We had first met at primary school but never really connected there.  As I transitioned to secondary school I thought she was uber cool.  The way she dressed, her hair, the whole shebang. She was someone that I considered to be really cool.  She had an older sister and she just seemed to be so confident.  I thought she was it.  We walked or rode to school together.  And hung out with each other at her house, she seemed grown up and exciting. But things started to go wrong, when I was left out on more than one occasion.  

Remember this is a time before cell phones and the internet.  When plans were made on a Friday at school and times were set.  There was only one phone in the house and unless you were using it after 6pm you weren’t allowed to just  make a quick call to check plans.  And so I would regularly think I had made plans for Saturday, a bike ride or a swimming pool trip  , only to be stood up repeatedly.  To make matters worse I would make excuses for her, like I had got the time wrong or maybe she had forgotten.  But after one humiliating experience, where I had waited 2 hours on the corner of my road in the pouring rain. I finally decided she wasn’t my friend anymore.  

To make matters worse., her new best friend, mocked me as being needy and I have never felt so left out in my entire life.  But this experience of friendship basically clouded my view of friendships for the next 30 years.  The spell was finally broken recently but more about that later.

Friends for a reason

After this particularly hideous experience with the memory now tattooed on my brain I was forever conscious of new friendships .  I began to keep relationships casual, I would stay on the fringe.  Never fully committing to one person in particular, no best friends, just acquaintances.  Groups seemed the best way to go and  I neatly would put these groups of people into boxes.  For instance, friends from college, friends from the street I lived on, friends at work and so on.  None of them knew each other and I never fully committed to one group.  In order to keep these “friends” it involved a considerable amount of alcohol. Feeling incredibly awkward in their company I required Dutch courage to be around these people.  Usually new groups were acquired with new boyfriends and I would seamlessly merge into the crowd and become the life and sole of the party.  To the outsider I may have appeared social but on the inside I was empty.  These friends filled a void but not very comfortably. There were wild parties and after work drinks.  Mostly they were frenzied and a drug fuelled. Don’t get me wrong I thought I was enjoying myself at the time, but I was forever alone at the end of the night. Never quite understanding when the end of the party was and always overstaying my welcome.  On more than one occasion I was completely left behind which made me feel even more alone.  I was desperate for connection but it didn’t ever really feel right.

Friends for a Season

These particular types of friends always felt less pressured. I never placed expectations on them.  I knew they wouldn’t be around forever and therefore they were easier as a result.  I was also more flaky around them and I too did everything that you would consider to be a poor friend.  I broke arrangements and turned up late.  Talked about them behind their back and didn’t really care too deeply about them.  I started to feel hateful towards myself. I felt I was making friends because I was lonely and that they never really understood me.  I thought these people would be more loyal.  They weren’t but then neither was I.  The reflection of my actions and words were being held up to me starkly and I was abusing friendships.  There was a lot of talking behind others' backs, and I started to wonder if in fact anyone was truly my friend .  I was only getting what I deserved.  At this point my whole life broke down. At this point I was fully disconnected from myself and from  everyone else.  Even the relationship with my husband was broken.  I was pushing everyone away and in a self destruct mode.

But there is also another side to the seasonal and for a reason friend.  It doesn't need to be cold or callous in its nature. My realisation came this Summer just gone where I again pushed for a friendship and tried to keep it  alive well  past its use by date.    Friendships don’t need to be for life.  We can be casually friends with most people if we keep in mind our reason or seasonal expectation on the relationship.  Remember you may be there to guide them.  To be a leading light in their path to enlightenment.  Only meant to be there for a moment, to hold their hand when they need it the most, to be the lesson they need to learn.   Never knock a short lived friendship.  For it can be beautiful and perfect however short and succinct it is.  If you learn to let go you will find the flow of friends will always be there and there will always be someone who has your back.

Therapists are not friends.

Holding onto relationships gone sour can be both destructive and poisonous.  When my mental health breakdown left me in a very confused and vulnerable state.  Maybe you recognise this state of mind.  At this point in my life I was  in a very distrustful place.  Everyone felt like a wolf in sheep's clothing.  My intuition was completely off.  On more than one occasion I was taken advantage of financially and I started to be sceptical of everyone.  I didn’t really believe they wanted to be friends with me and I only felt they wanted me around in order to boost their bank balance.  Or look after their children.  I have never felt so alone in my entire life.  My private life was in a terrible state and as a result I was unable to trust anyone. 

I wanted to talk to someone in order to understand why everything felt so broken in my life. I felt I was not understanding relationships or people.   I was confused about who was a friend and who was a foe.  Who was taking advantage of me and who had my best interests at heart. 

I realised that I was placing way too much emphasis on friendship and expecting everyone that I met to be a friend.  I just wanted to be nice and in turn for people to love me.  But the truth is you can’t be friends with everyone and not everyone will have the same interests as you.  To think of everyone as your friend is sometimes unproductive and therefore never feel hurt when someone is not meant for you.

Are you your own best friend?

So the therapy commenced and even with all the attendance and home work from those sessions I was still growing and learning as I went.  I truly felt like I was a child in an adult body.  It seemed that everyone else had understood the assignment and I was behind on the project.  After all, how could a 40 something year old woman not understand relationships?  The penny finally dropped when I realised that In order to love someone else you first had to love yourself.  No-one can replace that love and no one can fill that void.  The hard part of this story is that for you to truly learn this lesson you have to get your heart broken .  And then, only you can piece your heart back  together.  The glue for heart mending is  Love and Kindness directed from you to you.  

Learning to love yourself is a lifelong process and one that will have you unlearning a lot.  For you to truly have friends that love and accept you for you.  You have to love and accept yourself for everything that you are.  You have to see what those real friends see in you. And you have to feel confident in your ability to stand alone.

Friends for LIFE.

Despite this tale of woes, there are a few diamonds in the rough.  There are a few friends who have stuck with me no matter what.  Have seen me at my worst.  They have turned up out of the blue like a gift from the heavens. They have come and gone from my life but also remained constant.  Always there at the end of a message or phone line, always there to listen when I’ve needed them the most.  These few friends, who I hasten to add can only be counted on one hand, know exactly who they are.  I dedicate this blog to them.  To those people in my life that no matter how ugly a friend I had become, have stuck by me and welcomed me back in with open arms.  When I am with them the conversation flows and the laughs are loud.  They need no substance to enhance them, they feel comfortable, like a warm blanket. 

We’re all just looking for a connection.

Does your vibe attract your tribe?  …My thought is that your vibe may come and it may go , your light may shine and dim, but the people who you connect with on a deep level do not need pretence to be with.  You don’t need to change in order to fit in with them. You can show up in all your ugliness and complexity and still be loved for everything that you are.  But in order to do that then you really do need to love yourself.  These true friends will see you before you see yourself.  They will notice that light that shines from you and see that you need guidance in order to step into your brilliance.  Maybe you are that friend to someone who hasn’t quite seen their true self.  Maybe you are the person who thinks they are friendless and unlovable?

Wherever you are on your journey of true friendship and self love,  my message to you is……….

Keep on being yourself in all your weird and wonderful ways and if that special friend is still sticking by you no matter what, then they truly are a friend for life.

Know a friend who could do with a reminder to LOVE themselves? then take a look at this 

Bracelets, they’ve been around for years.  Over 7000 years to be sort of precise.  We just love this concise history written by Overstock.com here   But what Ruth of Roo Betty loves doing the most is going to museums and having a actual in real life look at the history that is jewellery.  From the ancient Greeks to more modern Victorians, jewellery has been really important to many many people. And somewhat important to me, Ruth, throughout my life.

So what is it that I love about bracelets and jewellery?  Well I’ve had a fascination with anything that sparkles since I was a young girl.  Magpieish in my nature I’m attracted to the shiny and glittery.  I’ve worn all the rings and all the bracelets for as long as I can remember, I’ve even had the broken ones melted down and made into bangles and new rings.  Kinda recycling but also embracing that they are part of my history and I don’t want to let them go. I have life bangles and life rings, that are part of ancestors and memories that I don’t wish to let go of.  They are dear to my heart and are memories of a moment in time.  I even did a project for Horsham Museum styling their Victorian Death Jewellery, which I absolutely loved doing.  The past holds pain, as well as fascination for me.

I know I know, we should let go of things that don’t serve us.  In fact this has been the most banged on about piece of advice that I have been given since embarking on my mental health mastery journey. I tried to embrace letting go, I tried to sort out the things that meant something to me and the things that didn’t .  I tried to embrace the words but here’s why I hate that phrase.

I get it, don’t get me wrong, grasping on to some things for dear life is neither lifesaving or life affirming.  In fact if you’re not careful they will take you down with them, drowning in each other's emotions and faults.  But here’s the thing, we learn from these events.  We grow from our mistakes and our pitfalls. After all, if you haven’t felt the flame how would you know that it burnt?   It’s what makes us stronger, it's what makes us who we are.  In fact I have challenged most who have said those words to me.  Not because I wish to trip them up, but the words are meaningless when merely said out loud and not discussed from a personal point of view.  After all, we all know where we’ve made our mistakes and why things aren’t important anymore but we rarely give them the praise that these horrible moments have done for us.

Remember those break ups that really broke your heart, those awful jobs that drained your soul .  Those arguments in relationships that broke your spirit.  Well they all mean something.  They all bring you to where you are now and guess what.  I know you’re a fighter, a true warrior with all the heart required to go into battle with.  Those experiences have meant you’re more equipped for the future, more ready to go on than ever.  In fact you could say invincible.

I know, right now it doesn’t feel like that.  God I’ve been there. Terrified by what awaits, feeling invisible, small in comparison to the bear that you’re up against.  But then a dear friend stepped in….she gave me a bracelet.  Like a piece of armour, this bracelet gave me the courage I needed, when I needed it the most.  Allowed me to go forward with a smile on my face.  Protected me with its meaning made me even braver.

This is why our bracelets are important.

I’ve brought together all the things that bring me joy, colour (believe it or not I love colour even though I mostly wear black)  Crystals because those little gemstones are not just pretty things, they have meaning and manifest powers that you never knew you had.  Plus the mantra, wrapped up in all of this is the power that words hold.  If you say them often enough, if you truly believe what you say , the magic rubs off on you and then you have the power to go forward to be brave to master your mental health and feel totally invincible.  Because we all have that power. We just have to believe.  And if you don’t believe me then try for yourself.  Because everything that I bring to you, I give a little road test , I make sure that there is an ounce of truth in it’s meaning because I know then you can’t fail!!!

Why not try for yourself or perhaps you know a friend who just needs a little bit of courage.  Because then you'll be in our tribe and we can all offer you the support you need.

Each of our Talk Kind® Bracelets have a specific meaning and mantra placed to them.  We have tried and tested all of our advice before giving it and can totally rate these as the perfect gift for yourself or someone you know who may be struggling with their mental health.  Check the collection out below.

So let’s start at the very beginning what makes me qualified to answer this question. Well...I’ve suffered from depression my whole life from my early teens to mid forties.  I’ve been on medication which at times has helped a bit.  I’ve chatted to various health professionals and I’ve been diagnosed Bi Polar II. I’ve been suicidal and numb, I’ve cried for days and not wanted to leave my house, and I’ve painted on the smile and talked myself into leaving the front door.  I’ve dragged myself to work, whilst having a family and  I have a million and one coping strategies.  Sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t.  I’m now off my medication and surfing through life's highs and lows.  But how did I get to this point and how did yoga help?

Why Yoga is important for your Mental Health.

So let’s start with why Yoga will help.  Firstly it’s an exercise, nothing more, nothing less.  The reason why many people start on the fabled Yoga journey is that you go to a yoga class and you love the buzz that it gives you.  Like any exercise whether it’s running, dancing, team sports or going to the gym..  Moving your body has been proven, time and time again to be brilliant for depression and mental well being you can read more about that here. There is also the connection with others doing the same thing as you and when you go week in week out, you see the same faces you start to feel part of something.  With classes opening back up after lockdown, going to a class might just be what you need to feel a little less troubled with your thoughts. .  After all staying home and doing Yoga on zoom is great but nothing beats that in person connection. 

Which Yoga is best?

Now this really is a hard one to pick.  With so many styles and teachers out there I can guarantee that there really is a Yoga that will suit if not everyone then most.  Don’t ever be put off by the first class you go to.  Whether you need the sweat of Hot Yoga the intensity of a Vinyassa, or the calm of a Yin class, go do some research.  It’s fun and if the first class doesn’t float your boat ask a friend or two who they rate in your area. If you throw a stone you really will hit a yoga teacher. We are everywhere. In fact just hang out at Sweaty Betty or LuLu Lemon and one may cross your path. 

If you are a complete novice then a beginners class at your local studio will help heaps and heaps.  I know that Zoom Yoga has opened up the world of yoga to so many more people and of that I am grateful but when you can travel to a retreat or the nearest big town for the in person experience of a teacher in the same room as you, it can make a massive difference to your practise.

Why Yoga is Good for Anxiety.

So you may have started Yoga ‘cos it felt great to move your body, but the real work for your mental health comes in the being still.  And Yoga as you can guess is one complete practise.  A mix of movement as therapy and then the lying still bit at the end of the class where the real work begins. In my humble opinion this is the actual best bit!!!  When you first start to lie down or Savasana as it’s referred to in class you may be thinking I don’t need this bit.  In fact you may have been guilty of skipping out before the end, a busy life, work commitments or just trying to get back to the car before the parking ticket expires.  The truth is…. Feeling uncomfortable when you confront yourself is all part of it.  My own practise has smacked right up against that wall and I have had to challenge the lessons that this has brought up.  I have actually cried in class sobbed so hard on my mat that snot has dripped from my nose.  Yeah I know that's an image you perhaps didn’t need.  What I'm trying to say is I’ve pushed against it.  Not welcomed the lesson that it was showing me and ran a mile before I relented, lay down and breathed.  When you finally do stop and listen to your body you will be relieved I promise.

How Yoga helps Mental Health

The hardest lesson of all is confronting yourself head on and making a change for the better.  Yeah I know you don’t like the feeling you’re experiencing, well that’s because you didn’t listen the first time with the little niggle of back pain or the gut issues or something that was pushed down and down again.  We keep ignoring the messages our body is giving us and eventually it comes out loud.  And so loud that it may make you feel a bit scared and frightened in fact.  If you are there, right now with the pain and the suicidal thoughts I know I’ve been there too I know how painful it is.  Please know that I am holding your hand right now, I am there with you and urge you to not panic, not feel that it's the only answer because it isn’t.  I can guarantee a Yoga teacher will understand.  They have been through all the tears and all the emotions that Yoga will eek out of your body.  Their personal journey is there for you to learn from.   After all, most Yoga teachers will in fact confirm that they are on the mat because of the madness.  Because of what life has thrown at them.  Their experience of what ever mental health moment has challenged them the moment that they have beaten or are still being challenged by. They know ..... ask them it's how you will get better .  After all life is a roller coaster (to quote the lovely Ronan Keating)  The meditation that Yoga has as pat of its practice is where the magic happens , and that’s why Yoga is a great tonic because it forces you to do this as part of the practice and the more you do it, the more you realise the benefits and in turn get better at it (the meditation that is) So don’t knock it until you’ve cried through your meditation, until you screamed during meditation until you’ve unlock all the emotions that lie hidden beneath waiting to be unearthed, uprooted and ready to be challenged and hopefully laid to rest (that's the emotions, not you btw - hopefully you’re laughing at that quote!)

You will get better I promise that, so why not try out a class, why not see what all the fuss is about. Because Yoga will change your life I can vouch for that.  We have a collection of Yoga Mat Bags that will help you get you and your mat to your brand new Yoga class take a look at Our Roo Betty Orla Yoga Mat bags here

When we first went into lockdown way back in March 2019 things went a bit surreal, what about you? Can you remember that far back?  Anyway it all seemed manageable after all it’s just for a few weeks, few months at most.  Jeez how we wish that was the case, but anywho we’re where we are.  To be honest things didn’t get weird until the masks became mandatory ( I still wear one even though I am technically exempt - I wear one because I can't abide the stares or the questions from security guards - quite frankly it's none of your business but then I was never any good at confrontation.  The weirdness started the first time I wore one.  I momentarily blacked out, got very dizzy and had to steady myself by hanging onto a shop fitting.  Things didn’t improve for a long time and even now I still end up with asthma symptoms brought on by an anxiety attack.  For any of you unsure of the symptoms here’s a handy list 

Anxiety Attack Symptoms

• Suicidal ideation
• Fear of loss of control
• Flashing vision
• Hyperventilation
• Palpitations
• Chest pain
• Headache
• Sweating
• Shaking
• Breathlessness
• Chills
• Nausea
• Abdominal cramps
• Dizzy feeling
• Numbness

It’s a pretty hideous list and one that I’m sure I'm not alone in experiencing.  No wonder mental health is on the brink for many, many more than usual this last few years.  There’s nothing like a bit of uncertainty and something being placed over your mouth to make you feel like shitting your pants.  But this isn’t a blog about what has been this is a post about what will be.  As well as a few tips and tricks to get over the anxiety attacks.  

What does getting back out there really mean?

In fact yeah! What does it really mean?  It’s just one of those useless regurgitated phrases that people say after you’ve broken up with someone.  A bit like getting back in the saddle or on the bike.  But let’s face it! It’s not very helpful and can actually make your anxiety worse.  The shear panic of feeling you’re being a bit weird or maybe not like others, somehow fuels you to be more and more anxious.  So let’s take a load off, after all it’s totally up to you when and how you venture out.  Remember the baby step approach is always the best way.  Opening the front door is the starting point, just getting used to being outside in public, with others and then eventually in more crowded places.  Maybe chat to a friend who doesn’t mind coming with you on these scouting missions.  Whatever you do, take it at your own pace there’s no rush.

OK so what if you're in a rush? And you need to get back to work otherwise you’re being threatened with the chop from work?  Well they shouldn’t really be holding you over a barrel on this.  And if you have an HR department worth its weight in gold, you should be able to chat to them about a staged return to your usual work routine, maybe a half and half approach may be best.  Or getting to the office a little later to miss the rush.  It's always best to talk about these situations and explain yourself.  You'll be surprised how accommodating work can be.

What’s normal anyway?

We often find ourselves asking this question. After all, you can make your own normal and normal is as weird as you make it.  We’re individuals and as such, require unique approaches to problems, in order to find the right solution for you.  One size rarely fits all. ( I just love this saying!)  So what ever you choose to return to or choose to leave out of your life. It's within your rights to decide.  Never feel pressured to do what other's want.  If you feel put on the spot, my best answer is " I need to check my diary" or "Can I get back to you on that"? If the reply is "no" then my go to response  "I really do need to think about it", After the first few times of asserting yourself I promise it's like the secret sauce it gets better and better every time you try .  We certainly have had a good hard look at what makes us happy and what we endure and we've tried to limit the tasks that we feel stressed about.

So explore your resources, don't be afraid to shout out or call a friend about this, you may find that they too are feeling a little bit anxious as well.  Finding coping strategies is your way of managing the situation.  I have things like silky cloths in my pocket to fiddle with. I find that helps soothe me.  Of course the deep breaths are always a go too!  I also do walk through meditations before the event just to go through all the scenarios and how I'm going to be OK.  I do a lot of mantras too. At the moment I'm using " I am safe, I am well, I am Loved"  I find they really, really help.  We've picked up a lot of methods over time to ease our anxious mind.  But let's not forget that after your first few ventures out you will need time to decompress so don't be worried if you need to go inward again and stay at home for weekends, or perhaps just want a movie and blanket night.  Whatever you choose to do is never a wrong move.

Remember baby steps again, the must do approach to anything if you have anxiety.  After all think about how far you’ve come, you’re doing great. I believe in YOU!

The number one of course, is doing all this at your own pace and not being too hard on you! Remember Roo Betty is all about the talking kindness and that’s especially to you, so give yourself all the love, time, compassion and self belief you need to get “back out there” when you’re good and ready.

So first let's dispel the myth that you need a big house to have a cleaner.  Believe me the day I actually took the plunge to get one was a herald of angels moment, sparkly lights, a chorus sung from the heavens and from that moment on my life took an unexpected turn for the better.  God did I miss her over lockdown.  It’s not that I don’t have to clean on other days because believe me I still do the odd bit and every now and then a complete blitz of all the corners and the cobwebs.  Because you’ll understand that 2 hours of cleaning in a 4 bed house once a fortnight doesn’t quite make it spotless.  But what it does do is make it manageable.

So why did I get a cleaner?  Well because my mental health was really getting to the point where I was in a complete funk most days.  I always had things to do and when I sat down and did nothing I had huge pangs of guilt if I wasn’t moving (read being a domestic goddess).  That and having a physical job, meant, that when it came round to the cleaning,  I felt using my last ounce of energy I had on a really shitty task like housework, was quite frankly a waste. I have later found out that I have a rare connective tissue disorder (Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos, or hEDS for short, which means I run out of energy real quick and let’s not get into the amount of pain I’m in on a daily basis cos that’s a whole blog right there!)

So back to the cleaning fairy that I hired.  She is an amazing woman who I quite frankly couldn’t do without now.  So taking the plunge for hiring her was a big day, it felt weird and here were some of the beliefs I had before I did the deed.

• She was gonna cost more than I could afford
• It felt weird having staff
• Surely I should be doing this job
• Would that make me a bit posh

So you can see that I had worries that really weren’t anything to worry about, but me being the anxious little thang that I was, I just needed to get past those barriers and take the plunge.  What I found was that it’s not like having staff at all, it’s like having a friend who helps you out from time to time and you know what that feels really good.  Does she cost a lot? Well I do pay her above minimum wage, but I want to make sure I get a good job done and quality people cost.  Paying her minimum would feel like I was being a bit stingy and when I added up how many hours I needed to work in order to pay for her 2 it was most definitely worth every penny.  Should I be the cleaner of the house?  Well this house had a huge shake up.  I stood my ground on the cleaner and I also started making others so some of the other job’s too, after all we all live in this house.  That was a huge take but control moment right there and again did wonders for my self esteem and was a moment of self love. 

Have I become posh overnight?  Well others may think so my mum does for sure, but nope I still swear like a sailor and certainly haven’t started eating caviar just because (see crazy rich Asians for that reference).

So if you wanna put a spring in your step take some time to work out what you need for you right now and if that a cleaner then go do it I guarantee you won’t look back.

Let’s not forget that the final transformation to Spring happens this weekend and as a result lighter evenings and the definite whiff of summer in the air, after all getting rid of that hibernation cloak will feel like  weight off your shoulder.   Once that weight is lifted you my friend will have that spring in your step that you so need.

So take this month to start the slow process of removing the winter fluff, start to move a little bit more, change a few processes that you have got in the habit of doing a start to feel better about you and your mental health.

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say something headliney “That sleep cures EVERYTHING!” Yeah, OK, for those wishing to get pedantic, maybe not the cancers and other illnesses of that nature.  But it sure goes some way to making you feel a darn sight better.  From a personal point of view I know that a few hours sleep can make you feel on top of the world.  That 20 minute cat nap does work wonders on your little grey brain cells.  Have you ever had a “Disco Nap” - Oh maybe I shouldn’t be talking about that right now? Because it makes me yearn for a damn good night out.  Anyway, Sleep is like ambrosia, the nectar of the gods and having a decent 8 hours, it’s seen as the gold star of “winning at life”  But if like me your sleep pattern has been one of concern then read on.  If your mental health is not at it’s best, I can offer up a few ideas that may go some way into getting a better night's sleep and in turn a grip on your mental health.  I know how it feels to not get the sleep you need and to feel as if life is spiralling away from you.  I’m here to offer some things to think about, some tried and tested ways and a gentle arm around the shoulders when all above fails.

Why sleep matters

So why is sleep important?  Well the body needs a rest, plain and simple as that.  During those sleeping hours your body has the chance to replenish and renew itself.  It’s not just physical either, this is for mental stability too.  Sleeping lets you dream and dreaming helps you order and understand the day's events.  Boy do we love those weird and whacky dreams that come by every now and then.  We all know how we feel when we’ve had a sleepless night, you feel drained exhausted and really out of sorts.  But what happens when you keep getting sleepless nights? What then?

When sleep doesn’t come

Again we can talk from experience here.  Insomnia is a friend of mine and I can quite possibly talk at length about it.  Maybe I’m an expert?  I’ve tried to google it, look up the reasons.  I’ve even done “all the things” recommended in order to get that sleep back.  And still at times, sleep has eluded me.

I’m a mum and have been for over 10 years but I remember vividly the pre child years. In fact, I can remember way back to when I was a youth and when I used to not get sleep even then.  So as a handy guide, I’m gonna split up my sleepless night escapades just for you and shine a light on what I think was going on. Hopefully giving you some tips and tricks that might help make sleep, a little easier to come by.  Again all these tips and tricks have sometimes worked and sometimes not.  And as with all my advice I repeat One size does not fit all. So take or leave what i say and try your own way.  But if you’re nosey then continue the read.

The Youth Years

When I’ve asked my mum about this, she always tells me that as a baby I hardly slept.  I was a good natured child but I didn’t sleep all that much.  At this point you may be thinking (as have I ) maybe you just don’t require that much sleep?  And maybe that’s the answer? As I grew up, and we moved house yet again, I am reminded of my primary school years.  I hated school and spent many a Sunday pacing the floors (this would go on up to secondary school and beyond) But the primary years around the ages of 8 - 11, I vividly remember that my mum worked late evenings (sometimes till about 2am) And I can remember going to bed and then getting up and watching the TV from the top of the stairs without my father knowing.  Until I watched a horror movie that one time and had to wake him up in order for him to put me back to bed because I was scared.  So you see I was sneaky about going to bed.  I suspect the main reason for not sleeping was that all my family were not under the same roof and so in my opinion something was amiss. I felt anxious and therefore could not sleep .  Mix that with years or upset from attending schools that I vehemently did not want to attend . You may well see a pattern emerging.  And one that you may relate too?  Anxiety plays a massive part in your ability to sleep. Feeling safe and secure is important to sleep patterns.  Here are a few tips I found that helped a lot with me falling asleep as a child and onwards into my adulthood. I have also tried these with my own child and can say that I found some success on occasions. 

• Feeling safe in your bed - Yep I’ve done the whole check for monsters and making sure I’ve locked the front door a million times  but if a routine of doing that means a restful night then so beit.
• Being tucked in and warm - yep I need the bedroom temperature just right. Sometimes I can have the window open, sometimes not, it depends (see first answer for that reason) But I have purchased a weighted blanket and that has been a remedy some of the time. It certainly helped when I went and stayed at other peoples houses.
• Bedtime stories, reading and mantras (counting sheep anyone?) - I’ve tried them all and can certainly say when i adhere to these rituals, all is well (these are a definite go to when sleep eludes me.)

The TEEN Years 

My early teen years, I can honestly say you couldn’t get me out of bed.  I was like a sleepy dormouse and spent an average of 14 hours sleeping a night.  Some weekends I rarely got out of my bed.  My late teens I was just on a different schedule to most of the world, awake till around 2 or 3am but then would sleep until midday and beyond.  So you see just accommodating my new sleep patterns meant happiness all round.

The Party Years - AKA Pre children

Yes these were wild and I have a million tales of drink and drug fueled nights/weekends that went on for days and days.  Back in the day, partying for a whole weekend with the odd “disco Nap” was not uncommon and I can say the phrase “sleep when you’re dead” may well have been tattooed on my forehead.  The fact that I regularly abused sleep and still turned up on a Monday morning bright eyed and bushy tailed is a minor miracle.  But somehow I managed. Maybe it was training for having kids?  Who knows, but I can definitely say that the tips I gained from these years, pretty much sum up how you look after a baby and get them off to sleep.  So like any well intended checklist you can tick the following off and see if they work for you?

• Fed and watered? 
• Bathed, washed and brushed hair - clean and toileted?
• Warm, lowlights and comfortable?
• A familiar blanket or smell. (there’s nothing quite like the feeling of getting into freshly laundered bed linen. Is that just me?)
• Some calming music?

If you’ve tried these with a baby and they have worked, then have you tried them for yourself?  These tried and tested approaches above, are what made a Sunday for me, back in the day.  So don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.

OMG why won’t you sleep? - AKA having children.

So if you have ventured into breeding and at times been at the end of your tether when it comes to your child's sleep pattern.  You are not alone. I too have been there and for no rhyme or reason charted the sleeping pattern of my offspring only to find there is no pattern.  But into adulthood I have found that certain things can make for sleepless nights.  So much like the checklist above, the next few suggestions are also meant as a “are you aware?” more than a -  this will definitely work.

• What have you been drinking? (too much water, alcohol, caffeine they all have an affect)
• What have you been eating? (yes allergies, histamine reactions, too much food)
• What time of the month is it? (yep you guessed it, Hormones play a massive part in sleep disruption , not just kids (growing spurt anyone?) but men too - full moons the works.)
• What have you been taking on board - Yep STRESS it’s a major factor

These above points really are for you to research yourself.  Trying to avoid certain foods, cutting down on caffeine and alcohol may have the desired effects of a good night sleep that you are after.  And if not then a look into your blood work and see what you are deficient in may also be a starting point.  I found adding magnesium into my vitamin regime made a big difference for me.  The fact that stress is in capitals is not by mistake.  Stress really is a major factor for sleep.  I can definitely say that after this recent pandemic which has played havoc with my sleep patterns since March 2020.  What I have taken from this, is when I finally gave in and accepted my fate, I started to worry less and sleep more.  I also found that adopting a little meditation into my life made the sleep I did have, very restful.  Even a 5 minute meditation had some effect .  So again this is a don’t knock it until you’ve tried it and a more than one time approach is needed for meditation.  I’m afraid a one time wonder will not work with this technique.

Sleep Deprivation - Will it kill me?

Ok so not sleeping can have some serious side effects.  As I’ve said in my youth I regularly would not get the recommended amount.  And yet I am still here writing this.  Some of my best ideas have come from sleepless nights.  I must admit the early mum years were crucifying at times but again still here.  Although at times the madness really did set in, but not for long.  I can certainly say that when you haven’t had a great night's sleep, operating machinery (i.e driving) is not a good idea.  If you aren’t getting sleep on a regular basis it may be time to ask your doctor for some help.  Especially if you’ve tried ALL the above -  the sleep hygiene of no screens before bed and everything else in between.  Sometimes a prescription for a weeks worth of sleeping tablets can help you get back into the groove of sleep (this is not recommended if you are feeling very depressed) In my experience, I have always found that if I am not too hard on myself, then I have found that my sleep pattern starts to catch up with itself and eventually, I sleep all night.  What I did notice was when I really couldn’t sleep and I was wide awake with a million ideas at 2am the best thing I could do was write down all my ideas.  Then get up and have a cup of chamomile tea, read a book and I was soon back in the land of nod, even if it was only for a few hours more, it really was better than nothing.

Above all worrying about it didn’t really help at all and although I may sound churlish suggesting not to worry when you are in full anxiety mode #igetit.  Really do give yourself a break, tell yourself you are doing the best you can, grab another chamomile tea, listen to your best chill out tunes and take a mental health day off.  After all if we were sick we would take the day off.  Wouldn’t we?  

I really hope some of these have helped a little.  Please leave a comment if they have. Especially if it's something you haven’t yet thought about.

Above all LOVE YOU! - You are important, you are loved.

Anyway, I digress. My heart, at the time, belonged to my first ever “proper” boyfriend. He was sultry, moody and a musical type.  My parents hated him, and as you can imagine, this made me love him more.  But he wasn’t the cause of my broken heart.  The relationship I had with him drove me into the arms of the first real love of my life.

In comparison this guy was charming, conventionally good looking and my Mum just adored him.  The day I impromptuly left with him, taken by taxi to his London flat felt dangerous and exciting.  I fell head over heels in love, very, very quickly.  We (or so I thought) were loves young dream, I was gonna be with this guy for the rest of my life.  We worked together (always a recipe for disaster)  and we were having so much fun working away from home, staying at hotels, having wild parties and just living my best life.  That my heart felt full most of the time.

I should have been more prepared for what happened next, after all it was as if life was on repeat.  Because the very way that I met him, was the exact same way that he hooked up with his next girl.  He left me on Christmas Eve, or rather he told me to pack my stuff and get out.  But the true devastation was yet to come. In the weeks that followed his wrong doings were lied about and covered up.  What I later  found out, was that everyone knew about HER, that he had taken HER to his family for Christmas, along with all the gifts that I had bought.  But the actual fatal blow that broke my heart didn’t happen until months after.  When a  good friend decided that it was a good idea to put me out of my misery and tell me of his affair.

Is a Broken Heart real?

I remember the day she told me and I can almost feel the pain.  I remember the uncontrollable sobbing for days, weeks after, and the pitiful looks from mutual friends who had kept his secret. If you’ve ever had your heart broken then I’m sure you know the feeling.  I’m sure you have felt your heart ache and wondered if indeed it was broken?.  Well here’s the news, there’s an actual chance that it might well have been.  I found out about Broken Heart Syndrome  or to give it the medical term  - Takotsubo cardiomyopathy a few years later.  But was reminded of it again when the very friend who brought the fateful heartbreaking  news mentioned it in a lockdown conversation.

You see the reasons for a broken heart, can be stress induced.  The British Heart Foundation has devised this heartbreaking list of reasons.

• bereavement
• domestic abuse
• physical assault
• acute illness
• recent surgery
• financial worries or debt
• being involved in a disaster, such as an earthquake.
• There have also been reports of people experiencing takotsubo after a happy event such as a wedding, reunion or a new job.

Although I try to make light of this phenomenon, it is in fact heart breaking.  And as someone who has experienced a broken heart. My heart does in fact go out to you if you’re experiencing this right now (yes I will throw in all the heartfelt puns! - just because!)  The fact that it affects women more than men is just painful to read.  The many reasons that your heart may be breaking has also been brought yet again to the forefront by Covid 19 infection.  The recurring lockdowns that have thus followed have not helped in any way.  But it’s not all doom and gloom your heart will in fact heal with time.  And I have been working on this myself to find out if in fact it’s true.

Will my heart ever mend?

If you are experiencing broken heart syndrome then the short answer is that “Yes” time does in fact heal a broken heart.  But having lived personally with a broken heart for many many years, I feel quite expert in this field.  I know from personal experience how I went about putting protection in place, in order to put myself back out there into the dating field.  The real effect from this devastating blow meant that I didn’t fully trust anyone for a very very long time afterwards.  I know that I put up barriers, trying to protect my heart from ever feeling like this again.  Although the physical pain had subsided, the mental pain lasted way longer than I fully realised. 

6 years ago when I decided to come off my mental health medication.  I wasn’t wholly prepared for the healing journey that was about to take place.  Although I’m a Yoga teacher and aware of the chakras and the infamous quote “ Are your Chakras Aligned”.  I still didn’t appreciate what that really meant.  Of course, 6 years on I am so fully aware of the physical, mental and spiritual journey that takes place in order for you to heal.

If you’re wondering how I went about this, it’s difficult for me to write.  The truth is I’m sure the process is different for everyone.  The fact is you have to be prepared to go in.  And by that I mean, be really truthful with yourself and your heart.  I’ve used talking therapy, some time completely on my own and many, many meditations to help with this process.  One of the most powerful meditations is the Loving Kindness meditation - which you can listen here if you’re unfamiliar with it. - Or purchase a Roo Betty Loving Kindness meditation)  This meditation along with a lot of self love mantras on a daily basis, started to break down the barriers of my heart in order for it to open up and be freely available to love again.  I’m also looking forward to a reiki session once lockdown is eased (I really hope that’s soon)  With Valentine’s day just around the corner I got thinking again is Valentine’s day just for lovers?

Who is Valentine’s Day for?

As this year has panned out the induced loneliness made me have to sit with myself again.  What transpired was I needed to do more work on my heart and my self love journey.  This time has allowed me to work more on me and in time I have felt the barriers around my heart start to dissolve. (I actually felt it happen - weird I know).  If you too are feeling the loneliness I can empathise, and offer up this advice. Find ways to fall back in love with yourself. Find time to listen to more heart meditations, You Tube is awash with them and there will be one that your heart connects with.  Give yourself the love you need every day, listen to your heart and follow it wherever you can (yeah I know that blasted head has a way of interjecting but occasionally tell it to shut up!)  After all Valentine’s day should not just be for Lovers.

When I reached rock bottom and the suicidal thoughts were often.

It’s often written that you need to reach rock bottom before you can claw your way out. Unfortunately this was true in my case.  After many years with a cycle of self sabotage, with alcohol as a medication.   Other times depression drugs, keeping me in a medicated bubble. I finally hit the absolute depths of despair.  That particular day I thought the only answer was for me to take my own life.  I felt that by leaving my family, my son and my husband, was in fact the best solution for everyone.  Of course  I was very wrong (I’ve written before how suicide is not the answer - you can find that blog here) But my mental state had become so lost that i was unable to see clearly or in fact answer myself with the best course of action for me.

If you have been battling poor mental health then you may be too aware of this self hate cycle.  I frightened myself so badly that day.  That I decided I really needed to find a way out and a way that worked for me.  Of course I had tried before and by no way were my precious efforts bad in any way.  It’s just that my past efforts had failed to see me as an individual.  I had been lumped into the one size fits all camp and in doing that, was unable to find the ways that worked for me.

How mental health affects you.

Newsflash, many mental health symptoms are all very similar.  The ways in which we choose to go forward needs to be a little more tailored towards the individual.  Most of the solutions for tackling mental health are all very similar in their course of action. The subtlety may be lost on many. However as individuals we need to address what works for us and gravitate towards those strategies.  Because in the long run if we aren’t listening to ourselves and making sure that our needs are met then we are sure to end up failing yet again.  Adopting a “one size fits all” strategy, over time, can chip away at the soul. The square peg in a round hole springs to mind, time and time again. As a professional trying to help those in mental trauma, saying “well this worked for me” is being a  little naïve.  Taking this coarse and abrasive approach, can sometimes be more damaging.  And this unfortunately was my  experience of how the NHS tackles Mental Health..  

Let’s face it depression and poor mental health shows up in a similar way. We feel stuck unable to move.  Some may be very adept at hiding this depression.  Being able to show a different, sunnier side, on a daily basis is a very exhaustive approach and again in the long run does even more damage.. By doing this actually making the depression worse in the long run.

How can you help your mental health?

First of all, STOP…..do nothing.  I am giving you permission to stop right now..  No the world will not implode, the ground will not open up and certainly missing the deadline will not lose your job.  I know I hear you.  I hear the panic in your voice.  I’ve been there too.  First things first.  Let’s start the dialogue.  Let’s tell the powers that be (the boss, the workplace, the school hell, even yourself) That you are experiencing difficulty.   Don’t be shy, after all together we can stop the stigma of mental health.   Let’s not forget that if you had a bad cold, a broken arm or a severe rash you probably would take the day off, in order to nurse yourself better.  This is the same approach we should be giving ourselves for mental health worries.  If we start at the first time it rears its ugly head then we have a better chance of nipping it in the bud.  The self care approach of talking kindly to you is an amazing tried and tested approach by ourselves.  We can honestly say that the days we did this our productivity went up not down.  And we were actually more able to recognise future episodes and make sure that they didn’t hang around for very long.

So please I implore, take a day off, sit down, look after your immediate needs and just rest for a day or so.  On the Roo Betty guide to mental health we have many, many ways that you can try and hopefully find one that works for you. Find it here 

How can I help my child?

If you happen to be a parent who is reading this then letting your child know that it’s ok to stop for a while is probably the best lesson you can give them.  Being supportive, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and the ability to tell them it's ok not to be ok, and more importantly it’s ok to stop once in a while is where you should be.  If you are a parent not managing then I understand.  Giving advice to your own child is sometimes the hardest thing to do.  Our approach  was to give a lot of hugs, we said nothing but listened.  With the occasional I love you and I'm here to help.  Our advice was often - what do you want to do?.  After all we are the experts of ourselves and if you say you don’t want to do something then probably stopping and changing what you are doing is the best thing to do.  As I say, chat to the ones in charge and ask for their help.  Say you’re having a few days off and then you’ll get back to it.  I promise no one will fall behind, we will all find our place and our way in the end.  But forcing the issue will lead to quicker burn out.  Trust me I know this from experience.

Showing the way is always the best way.  Support your child by showing them how you are helping your mental health.  With whichever, diet and fitness regime you choose to adopt. Whichever ways you nurture your soul because they work for you, and letting them know that by finding what works for them is the best thing to do.  Don’t be surprised if they do the opposite either.  Helping your child find a creative outlet is also a great place to start and nurturing that however you can.  It’s not always a cash option either there are so many individuals on YouTube to help with little cash spent. 

If you are still finding it all too much then I ask you to look towards meditation.  This gives you the space you need to hear the questions and in turn the answers.  Roo Betty or rather Ruth  the owner is busy at the moment putting together  a few videos to show how you can tap into meditation and make it work for you.  How you can find the space you need to answer your own questions in a positive way that works for you.  So if you need to stop please do sit down with a cuppa and show yourself and your child how doing this is the best way to go forward.

Apparently everything needs a label now. God forbid you have to actually find out something about someone by talking to them or perhaps a little research (Google anyone?). It appears nobody wants to be surprised or  learn to love someone's quirkiness or perhaps open a tin and be amazed with the contents. Because without the label who are you really?.  What makes you tick, which illness do you have , what disability or “fault”  or reason for not being able to do something, can all be defined by the label you’ve given yourself.  We all need to know which label we fit in to.  Supposedly making it easier for us to find our tribe, the people we fit in with. Google at the moment is profiling my searches to offer me the news it thinks I want to read, labelling me daily in order to give me “the best news experience for me”.(it doesn’t by the way, it just gets really samey and boring and makes me switch off)   In marketing you’re asked to niche down and find your “perfect customer” by listing, to the smallest of detail, anything about your ideal client that may be of use in singling out that client.  It’s quite exhausting, and if you’re interested I have attempted to do it on several occasions. Resulting in a really not very useful profile of a  person, who, I very much doubt, actually exists. I may be wrong about this but I continuously find this the most challenging part about running my brand.

For many years I tried to label my mental illness and find out the exact camp that I sat neatly in.  Partly for recognition and validation, partly to find out if it was actually real, and partially to see if the medication I was taking was actually correct for me.  At the time I didn't feel like I was getting better and that drove my reason for the exhausting search for answers.

My therapist often questioned my need for all the answers, she often pleaded with me to downplay it or perhaps stop and just be.  She was kinda right in her findings, the constant web searches , white paper reading and medical journal scouring was starting to take over my life.  It was starting to fuel itself and become the self fulfilling prophecy of my madness.  You’ll be surprised how many depressive illnesses all have very similar traits and symptoms. I continued to drug trial most medications that were available all with varying results and benefits, as well as the very much unwanted side effects.

What did I find out about depression?

What I found out was very little, nothing that would help practically in any way that was productive.  There were reasons and theories from trials and tests.  Long drawn out pieces of writing that never really got to the point or contradicted themself, halfway through.  There were books that were insightful, and then threw it all away with a spelling error at the end which meant the whole sentence and therefore the book was meaningless (well in my humble opinion anyway).  I chastised myself continuously, beat myself up that I was an enigma and regularly questioned my GPs qualifications.   And that’s when it hit me.

Will the tablets help your depression?

I’ve been drug trialling medication since I was 19, All with varying effect.  All in the attempt to stop emotion for flooring me and to try and make this square peg fit in the round hole.  Are you following?  My findings have been this, my understanding of depression has expanded and I now know what works for me.  Remember this isn’t a one size fits all and what may work for me might not for you.  But in my 20 plus years of medicating myself this is what I’ve noticed.

• When you’re crying your eyes out, unable to get out of bed, or generally care for yourself and the depression has meant you can’t work, earn money and are totally immobile.  General medication will get you to a place of functioning, but only for 3 months.
• Once your 3 months are up you either need stronger medication(more side effects) or put in place a strategy to manage your life through talking therapy or simple structures that work for you.
• You’re not broke.  Depression is usually an alarm bell that something is not working for you.  Something in your life is not affording you the joy it deserves, there’s only one way to sort this.  Change it, be it the job, lover, friend, hobby whatever that is change is good.
• You can’t change anything because you’re frightened of the consequences.  I get that, lack of money, no home, no one to love you, are all valid reasons to stay put.  Then you need to up your joy factors.  Find something that used to make you smile.  Think about your 5 year old self. What did he/she/they love? Do that!
• Even small changes make a BIG difference.  So you can’t ditch the job and the house is pretty much as it is.  Then make a cushion, move the sofa, walk a different way to work daily.  I found using my down time differently started to weave its magic
• Don’t worry if you can’t do any of the above.  There was a time when I was completely stuck.  That any of these suggestions made me want to hide even more.  Made me question if anyone really understood me.  I felt at my absolute lowest but to the outside I was  putting on my best smile and exhausting myself even more.  If this is you.  STOP PRETENDING!  This is the time that gentle words of kindness from you to you will really be worth it’s weight in gold. Give yourself permission to stop.  Let yourself just be.
• DO NOTHING! Yep if everything above has really not worked then the best thing you can do is nothing.  Here’s the thing: your body has a way of getting your attention, if you aren’t listening to the kind worded voice inside your head (the one saying the nasty things that’s not you btw) Your body will do it’s damnedest to stop you in its tracks.  And depression is quite good at making you sit still.  Once you lean into that you’ll find you’ll feel better a lot sooner.

Will Depression ever end?

This is the fear that most of us have about depression.  We think that it defines us, labels us, tars us with the brush. Making you think that you are useless..  Here’s the NEWS FLASH.  Depression is not here to stay and it certainly doesn’t make you useless.  It’s there to give you the wake up call you need.  It’s telling you to stop and sit still for a moment and give yourself some much needed love and attention.  Maybe you’ve been running around for everyone else? Maybe you’ve been burning the candle at both ends.  Maybe you’ve lost your spark for life.  Well depression is the reminder that you can get that back.  Depression is the excuse you need to stop and listen to you for a change.

Depression does subside, it's not around forever, when you start to tune into your wants and needs you start to find solace in the fact that you’ve known you, all along.  We’re not all the same. We all have different wants, needs and desires.  Our fundamental living requirements are the same and that's what often drives us to push through in order to put food on the table, a roof over our head.  But when we get caught up in the noise of the world and try and chase along a desire that’s not quite fitting to us, we start to feel out of whack and we start to beat ourselves up for not achieving and that’s when the depression takes hold.  

It’s time to dream a new dream.

9 times out of 10 my dreams have come to fruition, they might not have been as elaborate as I had hoped, but I’ve pretty much obtained everything that I’ve ever yearned for.  Yeah it might not be that million dollars or the crown on my head but I’m doing OK and when I start to really dissect what it is I really want, I realise I already have it and I notice I’m a pretty simple creature. I found that when I really listened to myself what I really wanted, what I didn't want to do and what I wasn’t willing to risk or change about myself in order to have.  I realised I had everything that my heart desired right there in front of my eyes.  And when I started to not worry so much about keeping up with the Jones’ I found the pressure came off and my depression and anxiety started to subside..  And when you start to realise that, you really are rich!  And when you start to just be, the magic starts to happen and you become ‘wealthier and happier’ as a result.  Because the wealth isn’t measured in coins but just by being you.  And once you come back to you and what makes you tick, the success just keeps on happening.  The one thing you truly learn as you age, is you have everything you need right here.  The wealth is the strength  to ask for help, the knowledge you gain over time and the boldness to live the life you’ve always wanted.

So why not listen to the depression, take a seat and stop for a moment and start to love yourself for everything that you are right now.  Ditch the label and start to feel surprised about what you might find.  Dream a little differently and start to see wonder in everything that you do.  Love yourself even on the dark days because that’s your bodies way of just re-tuning in to you

In a past life this is exactly how I would have started a new term, especially after the Christmas Holidays (which in my opinion have been labelled all wrong, what f*cking holiday?)  Usually I would kiss everyone back to their work and school places, close the door, sigh a huge sigh, have a very long, hot, shower and then sit motionless on the bed in just my towel, for an hour. Then I would begin the post Christmas clean-up and start to get the house into the clean and tidy place that I’m craving right now.  I am firmly in the camp that cleanliness is next to godliness and teamed with the slogan “tidy home, tidy mind”.  I feel the sooner I get off my arse and move the better.  But it’s not quite that simple.

The Lockdown since March has brought up a lot of issues, both in our family life as well as my work/life balance.  The idea that I have a balance is laughable right now.  With no escape for a coffee and chat with a good friend, I am stuck in these four walls.  Since March last year (yep that feels surreal saying that)  I have found that my aging body is not quite as robust as I would have liked it to be.  I vaguely remember my late 30s feeling invincible and strong.  My Yoga practice and fitness routine was set in stone and I felt great.  I was a Yoga teacher with a fantastic set of students and weekly classes were a joy to teach.  But then lock down happened.  This isn’t a sob story or a cry for help, merely a reality check of where I am right now and how a year can well and truly flip out on you and your plans.   If you are experiencing similar then read on.  And if you have never heard of Mantra then maybe this will help you through?  I am beginning to use these words on a more regular basis “You are resilient, You are strong”   It's now a regular morning chant.  Anyway I digress………..

If you haven’t already met me I was a Yoga teacher. But a change to online teaching and a sudden increase of stress meant my right hip finally gave up.  I nursed it throughout the summer with a hope of returning in September but with the government continually changing our tiers and shutting down businesses left right and centre, my in person return, was stifled.  My resilience shone through at this point I reminded myself that I was on a journey and these twists and turns and bumps in the road were a test.  I remembered how far I had come and was thankful for all that I had.  But that didn’t stop the depression from rising, its been a slow burn.  And the turn of the New Year has sharply brought it all into focus.

With the New Year only just falling into place, I thought back to how I had found new ways to motivate my mental health in the last few years, vision boarding was high on the list.  With this thought I donned some warm clothes and made a trek up the hill to the local shop in order to stock up on magazines.  The selection was quite poor, and it appeared I wasn’t the only one who had decided this was a good idea, as the shelves were almost bare.  But I selected a few titles and made my way to the checkout.  After spending a small fortune on magazines (when the hell did they get so expensive?) I started the trek back down the hill to home, my nose running from the cold to warm shop/mask experience.  This is where my body finally gave out. My right hip which has been threatening to be replaced since April decided to start to moan (a sharp stabbing pain to be precise). The pain was very 2020 in its nature.  I limped home, took off the many layers of clothes and sat on the sofa and sobbed.  With my head in my hands I felt very much beyond my mid forty years.  I'd lost the oomph to start the vision board and slouched into to the warmer front room to wrap myself in blankets and soothe my pain.  By now, every joint in my body had started to swell, it became apparent that I was entering a flare up, Something that I hadn't experienced for some time and one that was telling of my Christmas excess, which at the time seemed like a good idea. I suddenly became very tired and decided my afternoon would be better spent asleep, in bed.  By the way this is always my number 1 tip for any mental or physical health crisis.  Taking yourself back to bed and sleeping will hopefully alleviate most of your mental and physical distress.  Remember tomorrow is another day and you can always start again.  Believe me when I say I have done this more times than I care to divulge but I can confirm that it almost always works.

It appears that the January blues have set in early this year. The greyness of the outside world and the fact that I appear to have aged 50 years in this lockdown isn't helping.  I don’t work well with change at the best of times and what with the constant change to rules, tiers and what you can and can’t do.  This has meant my poor little brain is feeling it. I doubt the government even places one thought to anyone's mental health when they make these choices.  So I started this Monday with a meltdown ...one that has been building for weeks, as without realising I had tucked away a lot of emotions.  As all usual outlets of emotional release have slowly been taken away, I hadn't realised what a non Christmas break does to you.  (last year on a beach was so much better - I recommend that whole heartedly) . 

I want to reach out to you if you’re feeling it too.  I’m here I know and I’m feeling it too.  My family knows I’m not coping and today I have failed to keep it contained.  I have failed them on every level, I feel I have failed myself, my brand, everything.  The radio is blaring out with presenters attempting to keep the positivity vibe going.  But I am feeling all of it right up in my face.  And the screams have been loud!

*AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

It certainly does highlight the action that stress puts on the body.  I wonder if I am alone in these pains?  I know that meditation will elevate some of that discomfort  (I will give myself a gold star for effort in that department. As I have started a bed time routine of at least 5 minutes meditation - albeit with a thousand interruptions of “what are you doing” from anyone who walks in)  If my tone doesn’t sound irritable already, you may be able to hear the thud of the keys as I write this.  If you too are starting to feel downright miserable then maybe this will help?  Know that you aren’t on your own..If I’m honest even that thought isn’t helping right now.  If you too are feeling this in this latest lockdown , know this.  We can do it!  You can do it! Hell, we’ve come this far.    Now go get off this PC/tablet/phone that you are reading this on.  Go !  What are you waiting for?   Go give yourself some love, a bit of self care.  A warm drink, a blanket around the shoulders.  Close your eyes for a few minutes and breathe.   Because you‘ve got this.

*And BTW that scream earlier, boy does it feel better now!

Since having a child, Christmas has become a big thing again, well for our family anyway.  The excitement of a small one has helped heaps.  I love the magic of it, the sparkly lights and the year on year traditions, that we continue to make as our little family.  But that wasn’t always the case for me. Years gone by, have either been ones of complete disappointment, a drunken haze or a “please can this just be over, so I can get back to real life” rush.  Can you relate?  I guess year on year there have been the great moments, the good times with both friends and family. Many filled with Joy and the obligatory Monopoly game.   But so many of them have been filled with dread, as I’ve got dressed in some extremely itchy jumper in order to face the ordeal.  To try get through the afternoon with gritted teeth.  I’m sure if we linger on the great and the good this coming yuletide will feel like a warm hug.  But for many years the gloom and grating relatives used to fill me with dread.

If like me this has been your past experience, I can assure you, finding some much needed routines and rituals will help make the festivities, well, more FESTIVE.  So I give you my top 3 from disaster to “nailed it” Christmas moments.

Christmas nightmare 1 - Food, Food glorious food

If, like me, food is your nemesis then the following story may give you the “willies” but hopefully you’ll laugh with me, as I  can now.  Although for many many months I was haunted by this Christmas food horror.

Once you become a grown up (and for many years I was not considered one, so dodged the Christmas dinner making bullet good and proper).  But once the extension on the house was built and the dinning table big enough to sit more than 4. I was catapulted into the spotlight of my own personal Christmas Hell. A few years back, I decided I would cook Christmas lunch, in my brand new kitchen, in my brand new oven, that had yet to be christened by anything more exciting than pizza.  My naivety to cooking will shine through here.   My first mistake was ordering a turkey crown, somehow expecting just the torso of this giant bird to be somewhat smaller than the whole thing ( one to note, headless and legless turkeys  are still fu*king massive) But the Christmas nightmare started the night before Christmas when my Mother in law turned up brandishing a ham (also bloody massive - bigger than my head in fact)  And declared “Just a little something else I picked up for you to cook” Also note only 5 adults were coming to dinner and so the nightmare began.  As I closed the door to my husband's mother.  I started to fret.  How the “F” am I gonna cook this thing?   I had no pot big enough to cook it in. I began by hacking at it psycho killer styleee with a fairly blunt knife, in order to make it small enough for the various dishes I needed to fit into the oven. I decided to be clever and cook the ham the night before. I went to bed ( and by that I mean I went to bed, no sleep was had)  I “awoke” Xmas morning to the smell of bacon throughout the house hmmm yum, except it didn’t feel like that when I peered at the insipid looking chunks of boiled tough looking ham.  I had yet to prep the veg and was vaguely aware of how long a full sized turkey would take to cook.  And so I began at 9am with a glass of fizz and hope in my eyes.  Around 10am The Turkey was in, the ham was cooked and the veg was in its various pots and pans almost ready.  I felt in charge. I felt like the queen of my kitchen.  And so……. The guests appeared and the husband disappeared, and the  Christmas red mist descended.  Dinner time was announced, I took out the turkey and attempted to carve it, only to find out that it was raw inside, The Mother in law began to mutter and tut about the ham not being dressed ala Delia Smith.  And unbeknownst to me the roast potatoes had turned to crispy mash after being cooked in the top oven because the f ing turkey was taking up every inch of space in the main oven.  As you can imagine my sense of humour was starting to fade.   As the guests sat muttering if I needed help…. I wanted to tell everyone to fu*k off (In fact I think I did).  The final nail in the coffin for some of the rellies was when I told them to dish up themselves canteen style, as I refused to pack the already bursting table with food, I have for many years refused to sit by the brussels to avoid vomiting.

But this tale of catastrophic catering actually has a happy ending.  For it was the catalyst for change.  Since that dark day I have gotten braver and the following years served up “picky tea” which is like a carpet picnic of oven ready bites and crisps and the like.  For you to graze at your leisure. And so, Christmas is much more my style now. One point me.  

Top Tip 1

I do urge you not to bow down to Christmas pasts and make Christmas your own.  My most favourite memories are Boxing Days filled with a plethora of cold meats and “pot lucks” brought by friends,  for all to enjoy.  So make Christmas food however you damn well like.  Great aunt Nora can do one in fact pour her another Sherry when she’s not looking and all will be fine!

Christmas nightmare 2 - What the “F” are you wearing?

Unfortunately my younger years are filled with memories of tight collars and itchy labels, tights pulled up too high and knees starting to wrinkle.  The uncomfyness of “looking” at your “Sunday Best” really was miserable.  Fast forward to parenthood and trying to prize a child away from their brand new “insert toy here” in order to dress them up like some prized ham (yes I love that reference hence using it more than once - See here if you’ve never seen one of them! ) and put them in the car for a 3 hour “Christmas Joy ride” to far away grandparents, then I feel your pain.  The stress of it all really has taken its toll on my hair and the grey hairs are many.  Dressing and leaving the house in a timely fashion with screaming children in tow, quickly can go from from “Driving Home for Christmas to “the Road to Hell” as Chris Rea has sung.  (Is there a mashup of those two songs? Because I feel there should be - off to find it on YouTube be right back…………OOOps.Got a bit side tracked there and have yet to find it ...I’m sure it’s out there if you find it place link in the comments)

Now if like me you love to get dressed up and have been planning your Christmas entrance since the beginning of December , then you my friend have nothing to fear.  I must admit that getting dressed up pre kids was actually more pleasure than pain.  But Since bearing a child I have made the serial faux pas and forgot to  plan for the Christmas dinner spread and wore a tighter than tight ensemble.  With waist bands that refuse to budge Christmas will quickly become your own personal gastric band hell.  If like me the lockdown has meant that exercise routines and diets have been thrown out the window and replaced with comfort food and snacking then this next tip will be a godsend.  So plan ahead and dress like a true Christmas ninja.

Top Tip 2 

I recommend  a shapeless dress in order to hide the mid afternoon bloat.  Dress the children how they want...in fact onesies and “Christmas pyjamas” are now a staple in this house all thrown together with sparkly fingernails and enough concealer to hide the bags from “pretending to be Santa” the night before.  Adorn with tinsel and you will rock Xmas like a pro.

Christmas nightmare 3 - Drink and be not that merry!

Now if you have read my previous blogs you will know that I enjoy a drink or 2 and with those past disasters behind me, I am well  on my way to keeping myself in check when it comes to the alcohol.  So this is not a long fancy tale of how many Christmases have been ruined by me drinking way too much.  Either at the office Christmas party (thank heavens we’re sidestepping that one this year) Or the night before, when Christmas Eve never actually ends. Or on the big day, when I have tried to hide my nervousness and over done the champagne.  Me, trying to avoid what I don’t want to do for Christmas, has always entailed too much Christmas spirit! And...... it's with this knowledge that I have done my best to work on myself over the last few years.  In trying to be everything that I am not, it has meant topping up my “dutch” courage and ending up more often than not, in a real hangover from hell.  So I am leaving you with this top tip.

Top Tip 3 

If the alcohol seems to be marring your experience of Christmas more than enhancing it.  And the idea of being completely sober fills you with dread I get ya ...I’ve been there.  But this is the time to really not worry about it too much.   Give yourself a break and relax, you’ll find that the alcohol won’t flow as readily if you're relaxed already and you’ll feel way more in control if you just breathe. Without everyone breathing down your neck the idea of having a glass of water every now and then won’t end up with you swearing at everyone and ignoring their advice (yep I’ve been there too).  So go in with a deep breath and remember that hiding in a cupboard is acceptable, if it means you’ll feel calmer (yep been there too - I've also gone outside in the cold rain to cool down too, another great top tip if you're in those menopause years!).  Remember this Christmas, that the best gift you can give yourself is one of talking kind to yourself, a sprinkle of self compassion and a huge congratulatory hug. You’ve got this!!!

Are you REALLY being kind?

Kindness is important, after all it’s in our DNA, it’s why we thrive.  If we didn’t care and all ran around as individuals all humans would probably become extinct years ago.  When you’re kind it’s like planting a seed, the roots spread out and start to affect others.  But being kind isn’t as easy as you’d think.  The #bekind movement which began to really evolve a few years ago stemmed from a rather unfortunate and unpleasant event.  Remember the death of Caroline Flack?  Let’s not forget that through the unkindness of strangers this lady was led down a very dark path and potentially fuelled her untimely death.  We cannot say for sure the reasons Caroline felt the need to take her life but let’s just say the unpleasantness that was prior to her death was extreme and probably did assist her choices on that dark day.

How kindness affects your Mental Health

We can see how unkindness can affect the world, the negative results are all around us to see.  Litter on the street, dog mess left behind on a path, to name a few the list is endless.  When we’re unkind on a daily basis you have to ask where did that unkindness start.  When was the seed planted that someone felt it was ok not to bother?  After all that’s what it amounts to.  Was someone unkind to that person one day and as a result meant they were affected and just decided not to bother?  Kindness does really affect your mental health subconsciously.  Think about it for a minute, if someone is kind, pleasant or smiles at you you feel great, if you receive no feedback or negative behaviour then in turn you feel down too.  The connection is clear for all to see, if you’ve ever seen the plant experiment it is really fascinating ...click here to see.  Whatever you want to call the unkindness, - bullying, racism or fat shaming the unwanted opinion of someone else can have devastating effects. Leading to a domino effect that ripples outwards.  It takes strength to stop this.

Can kindness change the world?

So let's take a moment, and just think about how we can change this.  Think about all the times you were unkind?  Noone is excluded from this, let’s face it at sometime or other you may have formulated an opinion based on someones else choices and were negative about that.  The thing is it’s ok to have an opinion, it’s ok to feel different about something or someone.  To not like someone purely because you don’t.  It’s ok to say why you don’t like something or to disagree with someone.  What’s not ok is to badger someone, harass them or seek out those you don’t like in order to inflict negativity upon them.  Didn’t your mother always tell you “if you haven’t anything nice to say then don't say anything at all”?  At this point I would say have the thought feel the thought and then let it pass by, after all the negativity and unkindness comes from a seed, something that was planted years ago when someone (perhaps it was you that planted it) was unkind to you and that made it ok to say and feel that unkindness.

Be kind to yourself and others

So how do you change those feelings?  I’ll be completely honest with you here.  I’ve been unkind, said things in a heated discussion, directed insults at someone just because.  I can’t confess to being whiter than white here.  The saying “hurt people hurt people” really is the truth.  At the time of me being that person I was not in a great place and as a result I would find myself in more negative environments.  Embattled in more arguments, more disagreements just plain argumentative.  It took a lot of practise and a lot of reflection to find where that seed was planted.  What I found shocked me.  I wasn’t planted by a bully; it wasn’t stemmed from anyone else but myself.  It was my decision to believe the haters and in turn hate on myself.  After all had I been kind and dismissed the hateful comments and had a little self love and belief I would have flourished regardless, just like the plant in the experiment.  Had I chosen to ignore the words and turn some love and kindness my way I may have found my epiphany sooner.

You have the power to change.

So next time you feel depressed, down, upset by others remarks or just having an off day.  Take some time for some self care, self love and belief.  Turn attention to yourself and be kind.  After all, kindness can change the world if enough people are onboard.  You have the power to change your thoughts and your actions.  Yes no doubt it hurts I understand that and have sat many times with the pain.  But when you feel the pain and then turn it into kindness you’ll start to notice a change.  Kindness rarely fails, it sometimes isn’t up taken but that doesn’t mean it’s failed.  If you lead by example and show yourself kindness the world will start to see that and feel the love.  So I urge you BE KIND especially to you.

This isn’t a boast by the way, just an offer of help, a kind word of solidarity because I understand because I’ve been there, still go there.  First hand experience if you wish that I’m giving to you because I care.

I get it, we often reply with the polite version , it’s a long story so I’ll spare the details in case I cry.  The... you wouldn’t understand version, or perhaps I’m ok really ...only to spend the rest of your day sobbing on the sofa unable to move,  unable to care for yourself, just about functioning on automatic.  Here’s the thing...YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Lessons from a lockdown.

So we’ve been here before, except last time the sun was shining and the break seemed welcome, the reality hadn’t set in and quite frankly we all felt it’ll be over in a few weeks.  You might have splashed out and treated yourself.  Started a fitness routine, gone out for daily walks, and actually enjoyed not having to wear real clothes for a few weeks.  That was until a few months in, when you realised what you did miss about your work colleagues and your normal routine.  At this time I spoke to many friends that I knew were on their own.  I offered to meet up for coffee, perhaps just a little walk or I stood at their gate having a conversation to help cheer them along.  I did this because I know what it’s like when you don’t talk.  These options are still available.  So do take advantage or getting out the house, you may need to dress for the weather or have your meet up in your lunch hour or at the weekend.  But the option to meet just one friend will be the thing that helps the most.

Keep talking - NO you are not boring me!

In the depths of my depressions I often found myself smiling weakly and fobbing people off with fake news stories about how my life really was.  Too afraid to actually blurt it out.  On the rare occasion when I was caught off guard at the school gates and ended up in tears the truth often fell out.  What I learnt most from these moments was I wasn’t alone.  WE were all feeling the same.  There wasn’t one person who didn’t say, “me too”.  There were the ones who had not experienced the darkness, so didn’t really understand but they still lended an ear they still offered a friendly coffee and chat.

You see you are not alone in your thinking, many have these thoughts many are feeling lonely, I can promise a trip to the shops just to buy one thing and a friendly exchange with the cashier does work wonders.  But on a more serious note ...REACH OUT!

Reach Out

I know it's difficult, I really do, I was lucky to be able to talk to family and be completely truthful with how I was feeling.  But once it was out there in the open the rawness of it seemed to soften and I started to feel a whole lot better.  And you will too, there really are a lot of people out there wanting to help.  I promise a quick sign up to Instagram and you will be welcomed with open arms by many groups who deal with mental health issues.  These people will listen , will direct you to counsellors or  The Samaritans, will help you through these dark days.  Search The Blurt Foundation on Instagram or talk to a potato or #mentalhealthgroup and you will find an array of groups and people who will be more than willing to listen.

Why has lockdown been super hard?

Lockdown has been super hard, but be thankful for the use of technology and facetime, zoom and the like, because it really will help you feel connected.  I know my own mother said she felt like she had “seen” me after a facetime call.  We often played with the silly faces and hat options on Facebook messenger and after a good laugh we both said our mood had lifted.  Sometimes I did go in, I had some time alone, and asked those in the house to just steer clear of me for a few hours.  I did this so I could just let the mood wash over me without interaction and keeping up a pretence.  It allowed me to get over the moment quicker.

It is but a moment in time

Here’s the thing, it is just a moment in time, this isn’t forever, this won’t be your life story.  It certainly isn't the end.  Yes I agree it may have put a spanner in the works, tripped up your education, battered your business or totally wiped out your income.  And for those really affected financially I truly do send out a hope that you are able to ask for help.  I Promise you the kindness of strangers does still exist.  So please don’t feel ashamed, most people will understand.  Those that don’t, well, were they your friend anyway?  I understand  the shame that you may be feeling in asking for help, I understand the embarrassment at feeling you’ve let someone down.  But I can tell you now more people will be horrified that you didn’t ask, more people will be upset that you didn't think their door was always open. In my past blogs I have offered many tips and advise of how I mange my own mental health. So don’t suffer in silence, don’t be a martyr.  Be that kind person to yourself and tell her/him to be brave and reach out, you may even be surprised at what comes back.

“How can we make this clock change positive for our Mental Health”

Year in year out, the clock skips forward in Spring and falls back in Autumn and each year we kinda dread the day that it happens.  For us anyway, we’ve never been great with change, even a single hour has  our whole body going into freefall and we feel totally out of whack.  We mooch around for days after, like a little space cadet asking “what time is it?” and “what time is it really?”.   What with darker mornings and earlier evenings, the lack of sunlight starts to affect us.  Seasonal Affective Disorder or S.A.D is a real thing, with symptoms such as 

• a persistent low mood
• a loss of pleasure or interest in normal everyday activities
• feeling irritable
• feeling stressed or anxious
• a reduced sex drive
• becoming less sociable

It can start to feel like the autumn has it in for you.  So before our own Mental Health starts to take a turn for the worse we felt we should be a little more proactive.  This year we’re determined to find some positive ways to feel better about the darker evenings and shorter days.  I know, who is this strange person?  With her sudden  whimsy for a  magical autumn.  If you know us well, bear with, normal service will probably resume soonish. But for now, skip with us whilst we share  some ways that you too, can feel better about your mental health this Autumn.

You can’t change it so - Go with it.

You know it’s gonna happen so why are you fighting it?   I know, we do the same , strop around for days, cursing the government or whoever it is who’s in charge of this blasted time change, after all it’s soooo last century .  We have electric lights you know!  This was a major turning point in our mental health journey.  Instead of constantly fighting with ourselves we started to allow this to well, just be.  It means for an easier transition with everything .  So this year have the extra hour in bed and have a duvet day - (we also know this fabled extra hour doesn’t exist once you have kids so if you are a parent here’s a top tip, don’t turn one clock back  and 5pm will rock around sooner and you can crack open a bottle! - you can thank me later. )  But in all seriousness here are some tried and tested ways to rock the clock change!

Write a list of what brings you JOY!

We are in fact the Eeyore of the group and rarely find JOY in anything.  However, when we started to find the chink of light in even the darkest of days, we started to feel a little more upbeat. (n.b. - We can only sustain this joyous mood for a short period of time, but even a short period of joy is better than no period of joy! Don’t you agree?)  So grab a pen and paper and write a list of the autumnal things that you enjoy!   Yes! we love jumping in crispy leaves too.

If you’re not feeling it? That’s OK too.

So you really can’t find that inner joy?  Yeah we know we’ve been at that stage too.  After all we can't all be ecstatic little pumpkins!  So if you’re having a down day take advantage of the darker evenings, wrap up with a blanket or your favourite cosy jumper and darken the room cinema like grab some popcorn and a hot chocolate and Netflix your heart out!  We just love that about darker evenings it’s the best excuse to watch back to back anything!

Wrap up warm and get out there!

This is a sure fire way to turn that frown upside down.  Again put on that favourite sweater, we’ve just bought ourselves a cosy new giant scarf as well (it’s made us very happy indeed!) Pull on the boots (another reason why autumn is great!) and get out for a brisk walk!  We just love going out for walks at this time of year, the changing leaf colour the crispy leaf piles to jump in (OK , OK we do also have a child, who is a bit of a poo magnet!  So maybe make your own leaf pile !!)  The crisp air and cold nose feeling is sure to make you feel a little more alive.  Plus, when you get back in the house it feels all toasty warm and you can sit down for a well deserved cup of tea and a biscuit! (we’ve just discovered ginger biscuits coated in chocolate OMG, major taste sensation!)

I know this mood, it’s defiant, restless, irritable, she wants to shout inappropriate things at inappropriate times.  Reigning her in is hard, she wants to laugh and cry at exactly the same time.  She’s the devil on your shoulder telling you to “go on” - to whatever that devil may care act, you’re about to perform.  I’ve grown used to her, in fact I kinda know when SHE is gonna drop by.  To make a point,  I may be Bi-Polar or I may be Autistic or I may just, be ME.  Usually I’ve had a lot of sleepless nights - (please don't offer me any advice on how I might sort that out.  Believe me, I’ve tried all the remedies with varying effects and quite frankly this is something I’ve had for, well forever).  In fact I can only count a handful of times when I slept so well, that I woke up refreshed.

The voice on the radio is too lively!  The show host is really doing my head in and I’m staring at the screen wondering what knowledge I can impart on you.  After all, do we not all suffer from Insomnia from time to time? And if you’re reading this thinking “What’s Insomnia?” -  The answer to that my friend is - It’s a bloody good tune!   If you’ve never experienced it I'm afraid we can’t be friends!  But aside from that, I’m wondering again in a kind of chicken and egg stylee.  Which came first?  The poor mental health or the sleepless nights?  

It seems I am not alone in my sleeplessness, nor my creativity.  I just love this bizarre sleep pattern of the famous infographic (click here to view).  It appears that most creatives have very poor sleep patterns and very few are getting their 8 hours a night - (Oh how I dream of that day or should I say night.).   It also appears that those with the worst sleep patterns something horrid befeld them too.   You see I swing widley between the sleeping for 15 hours, to the not sleeping for more than 4 a night.  With my mental health deteriorating or  improving wildly between these phases.  I was only chatting yesterday to some lovely ladies about how I’m starting to embrace my mental health because it allows me to be creative and wild and free.  Yet I may have to have a complete meltdown in order to unlock some of its potential.  And yet, I am in fact starting to accept (god I hate that word) all that I am and all that it entails.

So will your mental health get better?  That’s a tricky one for me. You see I like some of the results that my mental health affords me, the creativity , questioning, unrelentless force of nature (read stubborn bitch) that I sometimes am.  I like how it gets me to stand outside the box, changes my reality.  And yet as my husband would say “Define ‘Better’” -  In that respect, I am better than I used to be. By better I mean I am more in control of my mental health rather than the other way around. I am more able to channel my mental health, understand when it has got the better of me , harness it in a way  that works for me and also to give myself the much needed love, and space that I require in order to calm the f@ck down.

The trick is the acceptance part ,although I find that word most irritating.  I’m not accepting of it (the mental health) more than I am  understanding of it. In this instance I find the word   acceptance very full stopy. It's a bit icky in its nature and for me it signals that I have surrendered to it,  GIVEN IN!  I don’t like to feel that I have accepted anything, that stubborn streak is the very essence of me and my mental health.  I want to challenge, push boundaries, shout out, express and be all that I am.  And that’s where I challenge you to lean in, listen to your mental health and ask it what it’s really trying to say?  Get to know when it rears its ugly head and why?  Listen to the cries for help, and by those I mean the suicidal thoughts as well.  Do not judge or act, just take time to listen and feel.  If you’re interested in how I do that, I simply lie on a hard floor and stare at the ceiling. I try to meditate on what I can feel or hear.  I try to explore without judgement all that I am experiencing, I almost allow it to wash over me like a wave.  I allow myself to just ‘BE’ for a moment without doing anything.  Sometimes I sit with a blanket around me and just stare into space.  I find it gives me perspective, I find it’s a little bit of love and kindness that I afford myself.  It’s the duvet day by the way, the doing nothing day, that your mental health is most probably craving.  

You see your mental health label is not all that you are.  It shouldn’t define you or constrain you.  Your personality and internal being should be able to be let loose and free to be as she/he is. You can both be as you are and present whichever reality you wish to be whenever you choose.  Whether that upsets someone else is neither here nor there, I always feel as long as you are respectful of them being as they are,  then it’s  none of their business.  The reality of putting that into play can be a little more challenging and may take you some time to learn and accept yourself.  What I usually find when I am me, is that I start to attract the kind of people who don’t judge me, are ok with me being me, and when I need to hide or go in they are fully accepting of this and give me space.   

You see that person inside you….. the real you….. may be feeling locked up, restrained, unable to talk and so s/he’s taking drastic measures in order to get you to hear her/him.  S/he’s the crying, screaming one, maybe unable to form a sentence of what s/he really means - If s/he’s anything like me s/he can usually tell you what s/he doesn’t want , but if you listen for long enough or maybe offer her/him a pen and paper s/he may be able to express themself in a way that truly helps her/him blossom and bloom into the perfect being that she/he was always born to be.

If you are experiencing poor mental health you may find chatting to someone like The Samaritans useful.  Or if you’re in the under 25s category then why not take a look at our chosen charity Ditch the Label.

Why would I be the best person to try and talk you out of it?  Because I understand more than you know, you can read more here 

YOU are loved, you are SPECIAL. Always remember this xxx Read more tips on how to support your mental health have a look at 

The Roo Betty Guide to getting help with your Mental Health 

If you're not feeling like reading the blog below skip to this meditation HERE

Today is National Suicide Awareness day.  On this day we remember those lost…we think of those left behind and we reach out to those in the darkness (I try to do this most days but you know, a day is a day to sucker punch it to you).  I’ve written about my suicidal thoughts before, not out of kudos but out of connection.   I guess I want to show how normal they are.  After all, the thoughts are completely normal, most of us have had them at one time or another and they are not overly linked to mental health issues either.  In fact anyone can experience these feelings for a whole host of reasons.  We may be unique in our being but we are not unique in our doing.  It is through our experiences and emotions that we connect and overcome.

The stats for suicide are horrendous.  The last quarter of 2019, recorded an all time high of 11.4 deaths per 100,000.   This makes it a HUGE problem that rarely gets talked about, except for the unfortunate time, when a celebrity takes their life.  We need to be more open about our support instead of cries to  “man  up”.   I’m unfortunate to know 2 friends, who felt this was their only option. The most recent was at the beginning of the Covid Lockdown.  My heart broke when I read of her passing, the pain of not being able to help, the guilt of not having visited when I had the chance.  Mostly not being able to stop her was the worst.  But mostly a question of WHY? This question will ring in my ears forever…….. however here’s the thing …...I know why.

Does SUICIDE run in families, is it hereditary? Or is it  just a Mental Illness?

You may have asked if suicide is hereditary, if it runs in families.  I too have wondered this.  I think the most shocked I ever felt was when my own Mum told me she too had been thinking about ending it all. Thankfully being brave enough to speak up meant that we were able to have a frank discussion about it about what had gone on in those moments leading up to those thoughts and about why we didn’t act on our intentions. That being said, I don’t think that suicide is hereditary,  I think that depression can run in families, fuelled by environment and unresolved issues.  Past problems and abuses can continue to revolve and therefore make it (suicide) appear to then runs in families.  Ultimately we need to get to the bottom of or the root of the depression, the mental illness that we are experiencing. In my experience,  it’s usually a build up of problems and feelings that need to be resolved.  Problems we feel need to be overcome and have listened to. To  ‘Lean into’ as my therapist puts it.  I’ll talk more about that later.  Mental Illness comes in many shapes and forms, I have a few of the many mental health labels that can be applied to a person.  However I also didn’t find it useful to be labelled per se,  as most of the therapies  I recommend don't necessarily need a label in order for you to benefit from them.  The label was merely another ‘band aid’ , as too were the medications.  I won’t get into detail about mental illness here.  As to try and tackle it when I am not a psychotherapist would be wrong.

In brief the type of person you are or the type of environment you grew up in plays a massive part  in your thoughts and processes.  But the headline news is that you can change these thoughts. You can change your reactions and you can find ways to help manage your feelings.  You’ll need to continue to read this post to get to the  tried and tested ways to overcome suicidal thoughts and feelings.

Talking about Suicide will make matters worse?

Seriously this thought, is most probably, one of the reasons we have this problem to start with.  With suicide on the rise as previously pointed out, the fact that we may only mention it when a celebrity takes their own life, is by far the main reason that we are not able to find a way out.  Caroline Flack’s untimely death earlier this year paid tribute to all that is confusing in this modern life.  The social media storm that followed also highlighted issues that plague so many, the airbrushed appearance of Instagram for one doesn’t always help with those down days.   That’s what I hope we at Roo Betty can change, we’re not gonna sugar coat it.

By the way, Suicide is never the answer...I repeat “SUICIDE IS NEVER THE ANSWER”  I feel I may have to shout that out, just to get the message across.  Regardless of that I can relate all to well in thinking that it is.  Feeling alone and not knowing who to turn to for help.  Unable to talk openly about your dark thoughts is probably why you are feeling like this.  But also the physical pain that you are trying to escape is why you are here.  Please don’t despair, read on and start to help yourself.  “You can do this, I believe in you”

Find someone to talk to.

The day I opened up about what I had been thinking, was the day I started to make real progress in finding ways to help myself out of my depressive hole I had dug.  Finding that person to chat to may be your first step.  Indeed there are a lot of organisations out there that can lend an ear .  From the Samaritans with a FREE phone 116 123 or  Ditch the Label  who are specifically for the teen to 25ish age group and have brilliant forums to answer your questions and find support.  Another point of call would be Young Minds .  I may be past this age but I relate all too well with the battles of teenagdom and why you may be feeling alone.  

Thankfully I was able to chat to my husband, but that took a lot of courage and a fair few attempts to make myself heard.  You too have this courage, believe me you do.  Remember it doesn’t have to be a family member or friend that you confide in, the Samaritans free phone number is there for that very reason.  After I managed to air my feelings and emotions I was able to find supportive ways to start to overcome my root causes of my depression.   Speaking to your GP, may be your first point of call but as I have spoken about on many occasions before, please don’t be deterred if they are not able to help instantly.  My experience of NHS funded help has not been the most useful to my depression and again it’s why I started Roo Betty as a beacon of hope for those in despair.  Having tried many therapies including medication ,CBT and Hypnotherapy to name but a few. I found the most beneficial was the 8 week mindfulness course as championed by Jon Kabat Zinn.  You can find someone in your area who provides this therapy by simply googling it or if you would like some recommendations of people I have personally used then please feel free to email hello@roobetty.com.  Meditation and living a more mindful life was by far the most useful and being a 121 therapy that too was very helpful.  This is where I learnt to “lean in” to listen to what I needed from me, where I learnt to care for myself in a loving way.  It’s not the cheapest therapy around but I do rate it as a great starting point.  It also has provided me with the ongoing tools to manage, as well as the understanding that I already had a lot of my coping strategies already in place - “Remember you are stronger than you think”.

You are NOT alone.

You may be feeling alone…... but it’s rarely the case.  Having felt like this for most of my teen and early adult life, I can now reflect on why I felt alone and also hopefully give sound advice on what you can do to overcome that feeling.  Navigating the modern world can be overwhelming at times and it’s probably one of the reasons you’re not feeling too great.  Connecting with others is a fantastic way to get out more and feel better but I do understand when this isn’t an easy task.  I too have felt too shy to speak to others and very uncomfortable in groups.  It's a reason my drawings are important to me.  As connecting with myself was actually how I got out of the worst part of my depression.  When you find your connection with what you love, you’ll find it blossoms and grows and it’s that LOVE that gets you through.  Finding your “thing” that you love, will help you find others to connect with as well.

Building on that seed of LOVE.

One of the main reasons for feeling that suicide was my only option, was the pain I was feeling.  You may be feeling it too?  I wish I could take it from you , the best I can offer right now is a virtual hug and this blog. I hope it helps a little?.  That physical pain becomes too much to bear and so you feel that by ending your life you stop the pain. THIS IS IN NO WAY A GUILT TRIP MERELY STATING HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS (it's my opinion) Here’s another NEWSFLASH.  You only transfer that pain onto another person (or if you believe in reincarnation, the afterlife or other such beliefs. You’ll be back and you’ll be experiencing that pain  all over again and again until you master the art of self love and forgiveness.)  So how do you stop the pain?  Now I can’t do this bit for you.  I wish that I could, remember being here and reading this is your first baby step - so give yourself a pat on the back because you do deserve that. If you read on I will plant that seed for you.  Because you are an amazing human I believe in you.

Learn to love yourself.

Can you really love another person if you don’t love yourself?  Some people find being in love very easy.  They also appear to love themselves as well. Here’s the crux, don’t judge a book by it’s cover and really don’t compare.  Ultimately it’s a losers game and you’ll find yourself spiralling.  So where do you start? 

Learning to love yourself can be quite tricky. I get it, I’ve been there.  So don’t go all out with the hearts and flowers, start small, the baby step approach is considered a good way, then you won’t feel overwhelmed.  Start with small things you love about you, things that you love to do.  For example, maybe it’s your amazing eyebrows?  Maybe it's the way you’re great at organising?  Maybe it’s just the way you sign your name?   It doesn’t really matter what you find to love about yourself, as long as YOU love it!  As I say start small, plant that seed and it will grow.  Soon you’ll be thinking how brilliant you are at everything….well, almost everything, nobody’s perfect huh?

Now here’s my little caveat the twist if you like.  “It’s ok not to be ok”. I know that must come as a lightning bolt from the blue (or black, in case it's not all rosy where you are? - jokes)  But it really isn’t all swings, roundabouts and a walk in the park for everyone.  Whatever others say or appear to show.  We’re not all having the best day of our life every damn day, sometimes things don’t fall into place.  Sometimes you just want to cry because you couldn’t tie your shoelace (believe me I’ve done that!)  And guess what that’s ok.  We can’t all be living our best lives all the time (although I do try to live a pretty OK ish life as best I can - try it? that works too, living as a decent human being counts for ALOT!) Another great piece of advice is to treat yourself like a friend - just as if a friend was telling you these problems you wouldn’t go about saying how useless they were for not getting it, not being their best, would you?.  You’d be kind and generous with your guidance.    So give yourself a break, stop being so hard on you!  Give yourself that much needed hug a gentle smile and tell yourself “It’s OK, you’re doing OK” and if you need that duvet day just curl up wearing your favourite sweater, watch some trash TV, maybe go do some Yoga?  Dance and sing around the kitchen,  doodle on a drawing pad?   Whatever it is that you do that makes you feel more you, is what you need right now.  So go do that.  Have a little smile to yourself because “You’ve got this!” 

READ THE TIPS AND TRICKS ON HOW TO MASTER YOUR MENTAL HEALTH - Roo Betty writes tried and tested ways to battle your depression with 

Sending you much love as always - and if you would like any recommendations of people I have personally used then please feel free to email hello@roobetty.com

Roo Betty x

Points to explore 

• Find someone to talk to.  Family, Friends or - Samaritans Young Minds
• Meditation and Mindfulness (either self exploratory or via a therapist)
• FREE meditation UK - CLICK HERE
• FREE meditation USA/Spanish speaking - CLICK HERE
• Find a hobby or interest
• Move more - Gym, Yoga, even dancing in the Kitchen.
• Self Love
• Be Kind to YOU! - follow Roo Betty here 
• Try our Talk Kind Mantra Bracelets to help support you through dark times 

YOU are loved, you are SPECIAL. Always remember this xxx Read more tips on how to support your mental health have a look at 

The Roo Betty Guide to getting help with your Mental Health 

Do we fail or just evolve?  That was the question raised during a very generous chat with a lovely friend yesterday ….and it got me thinking, why am I no longer in love with being a Yoga teacher?  Have I actually fallen out of love with Yoga?  Or am I just transitioning into something new?  Like a caterpillar into chrysalis and then onto a butterfly?  That beautiful analogy of finding your wings and flying high…

Was I indeed a failed Yoga teacher or was I something new?  Why couldn’t I see this as a positive move?  Or am I just on the infamous ‘Yoga Journey’, that many find themselves on?

There are a million and one blog posts about this out there.  Ok Ok I’m exaggerating but it’s a hot topic in the Yoga world.  I’ve chatted with many Yoga teachers about this, the feeling of over giving, burning out or just plain exhausted from the mixed hours and rushing from pillar to post while juggling a family life.  It’s a very real portrayal of life as a Yoga teacher.  It’s what many find themselves doing in order to pay the bills.  Edward Vilga writes an interesting and honest view about his journey which parallels this view in-  7 Truths About Being A Yoga Teacher That No One Will Ever Tell You

It’s a very real reality and I can certainly verify most of what Edward says.  It’s like any relationship,  you’ll have good days, you’ll have bad and in order to keep a balanced perspective you’ll need to let off steam. Jessicca Rabone writes her confessions in an open and honest article about her existence as a Yoga teacher, that I’m sure many can relate to once qualified.   Like any mental health matter,  there is no shame in counselling and finding a mentor in order to navigate the wonderful world that is Yoga.  Although what I have usually found, is that I am best placed at answering my own questions.

So back to feeling a failure….Why was I feeling like this?  I guess number one is the feeling of letting others down that constant need to please others first, before I please myself, in  that subservient nature that I’ve cultivated over the years and is so hard to shake off.  I have made progress on this.  The 8 week mindfulness course by Jon Kabat Zinn makes a lot of reference to putting your life jacket on first before you are able to help others, learning to surf as he puts it.  And there is no real shame in taking a sabbatical whilst you figure out what you need to do.  Luckily this is where Lockdown and the Coronvirus Pandemic has been a godsend it’s naturally brought about a time of reflection.  Well it did after the initial melt down and getting used to the confinement with the family.  How have you found this period? Has it brought about a sense of calm or panic for you? A change of direction perhaps? Or a much needed full stop on a life that was living you, rather than the other way around.

After getting over my ego ...which actually is what it’s all about.  And letting go of any pre existing blueprints.  Which is what any good yoga teacher who is worth their weight in gold will tell you to try.  I was able to understand the path that was now appearing in front of me.  My change of direction wasn’t so much of a fail, more of that chrysalis moment I was talking about earlier.  My metamorphosis into something new, that was more inline with how I saw myself in the future. WHAT!!,  I can hear you shout now “what about living in the moment?” Yes I do hear you and it’s something that I have battled my whole life with.  But this is part of the lesson.  Enabling you to understand the fine balance that life is,  the delicate dance that we must waltz.  Balancing the Yin and Yang   Being in the now and allowing enough striving to keep you in an upward trajectory, moving forward in a positive way.

And this is when the eureka effect struck. The massive lightbulb moment opening my eyes up to what could be.  It flashed above my head in a huge euphoric moment of “By jove I think she’s got it” with angels praising and that ahhhhh sound sung by a choir in the heavens above. You’re in the moment right now aren’t you?  Singing along with those angels , beaming that smile because my god when it happens it’s this huge shout of YES! With a fist pump action and perhaps a bit of Tom Cruise jumping on a sofa if you know what i mean? If you don’t watch here.  It wasn’t so much of a failure but an evolution!  The next step on from  what I had always intended on doing.  Getting more people to appreciate Yoga and movement and getting more people over any mental health and physical health challenges they may have.  After all the most common phrase I heard was “why didn’t I start this sooner?” 

Roo Betty is able to open me up to bigger arenas in which I can shout even louder to even more people. Hoping that I can help even more people find an equilibrium in health and wellness.

And that's where I am, except I am now walking in a slightly different direction, still along the same path, well sort of.  Except this path will be as smooth as the last.  Because with every door that closes, another opens and a new path stretches out in front with its bumps, twists and turns  With new challenges and  lessons to be learnt.  So don’t fear the change, don't battle the invisible fight, let go and lean in because after all   THIS is the subtle art of living.

The Roo Betty brand is based around Talking Kindness, not just to others but also to yourself.  Our logo and brand values means we care that you wear our logo with pride as a little reminder daily to just go easy on you.  Our products are here to Motivate your Mental Health. See the collection of Yoga Mat bags here  or our Talk Kind Sweatshirts

Anything and everything you suggest will be met with disdain, I want to shout, scream, cry, smash things up all at the same time.  I just feel plain irritable over nothing in particular.  It’s times like this I debate whether going back on my medication will be helpful?  I feel very contrary and awkward and just plain NO!!!

But ……...what about the flip side?

You see not all days or  weeks are like this, sometimes I feel exhilarated full of life as if every cell in my body is bouncing off the walls.  I just need to tap into that and find that feeling…except I can’t, I can’t even find anything nice to say about that.  God you’ve heard it all before I sound like a miserable cow ...Yeah and stop coming up with ideas on how I can get out of this one ...because really I’m plotting ways to kill you right now.

I just feel plain irritable and there is nothing you can do ...I feel really lonely, unable to ask or reach out , I have a lot of chatter going on in my head telling me all the things I don’t really need to hear , things that won’t help.

So in short, I know how you feel, I am feeling those things right now, whose with me? shout “ME TOO”.  So even if you don’t wanna hear this right now , here is a list of 10 ….”SCRAP THAT” ...I can only find 5 things I know will help.  Maybe not this second but they may earworm in and make a difference later on.

1.  It’s OK (take a deep breathe RIGHT NOW that’s an order btw) - so you feel a bit irritable - that’s completely fine, ride that irritability, feel every part of it let it happen.  It’s completely fine to feel this, it won’t last forever and let's see what it’s trying to tell you?  Close your eyes, feel the irritable feeling, now ask it a question - “what do you want”? “Why are you here today”?  See what answers it brings.
2. Take a day off - go do all those little jobs, washing, ironing, tidying the book shelves, alphabetize the CDs (do people still have cds?) all those meaningless (essential parts of daily life) actually have a purpose, feel accomplished when done, go do them! Hint hint my most favourite non essential thing to do when I feel really pants - tidy and organise the knickers. drawer (get it???feeling pants so tidy those pants!)
3. Do nothing!!! Yep you heard right and I repeat just in case you wondering what the fuck I’m on about DO NOTHING!!! Yeap sometimes the best course of action to feeling this way is nothing.  You see even saying that out loud I instantly feel better - I feel better than all the suggestions of doing something, I feel lighter in my head already and it requires nothing, no action at all, (nothing works for a few days but if you have been doing nothing for weeks, months, years I suggest a different course of action - please reach out now!)  You see I’m no longer fighting with myself having a silly argument. I am happy and I am justified so you know what! Go do it, veg out take a load off now! - If you want read our previous blog on 3 Reasons Procrastination is Brilliant
4. Small and bitesize is your friend.  Yep I get it the big picture is scary, life feels like a  fucking huge enormous task that right now you just can’t and don’t want to do.  I know, I feel ya!  So let's go bitesize , tiny morsels of life that you can manage, I know you can do just a weeny thing.  So that first weeny thing to do is, Take a deep breath, feel that breath enter your lungs feel like you are exhaling all the hard stuff the weight within you and start to feel lighter.  There is wasn’t that hard was it? (let me know if it was below I’d love to hear.
5. Tidy that desk, your room and clear the clutter of all the things staring at you right now, because nothing has to be done! To be clear nothing is that important that it can’t wait a day or two.  There was a day that I actually didn't take the child to school and there were several that we arrived late and you know what…….. NOTHING HAPPENED…….. no ground opened up and I certainly wasn’t struck down. Everything will be fine just ease up on YOU right now because you are AWESOME! And you actually have a lot to offer , but right now if you don’t want to,  that’s cool , just remember that you are a pretty damn fine human, even if you don’t feel like one right now.  Having that duvet day may just save you, go do it now!
6. …….errrrrmmmmm…………..
7. You probably don’t wanna hear this …………...so i’ll shut up now
8. Really shut up now because I’m boring you……….. 
9. Yeah that’s just a silly thing to say…………..
10. Please shut up now…………..

So you see my friend, I started out saying I had to give you 10 things to save you from YOU and I couldn’t think of anything worth saying, I felt annoyed that I couldn’t give you a great chunk of my mind of useful stuff because I’ve been there and the truth is the best thing I have done is nothing, because after that little rest,  that moment of self care and love. I have come back fighting with the best ideas and a great wealth of wisdom for me from ME and you too can do the same .  Try me let me know your best wisdom for YOU ‘cos maybe i’ll stop being contrary just for a minute and take your advice , Love Roo Betty x

Yep, we’ve all been there, well I certainly have, and on more than one occasion.  Sitting there, either doing Sweet FA! Or fannying about doing ALL the other jobs that suddenly become way more pressing. (Yes I am cleaning my keyboard as we speak because did you see all that fluff!!!??? And look at the state of my knicker drawer, it’s so cluttered, I really can’t see all my black pants individually.  Or actually I’m binge watching Top Boy because it’s research into my new career, as a crack dealer, ‘cos, well I figured that may be sooooo much easier a job than the actual one I’m doing now!)  To name but a few asides that I tend to do other than the actual job in hand.

It’s not that I'm lazy (honest I’m not) It’s not that I don’t want to work, it’s just that I don’t want to do THAT thing! That one thing, that’s super important or pressing that probably needs to be done kinda soon ish.

So what is procrastination?  Dictionary.com says 

“the act or habit of procrastinating, or putting off or delaying, especially something requiring immediate attention:

She was smart, but her constant procrastination led her to be late with almost every assignment.”

Okay so with that being said, here’s my spin on it ……….

Tip 1.

Procrastination is brilliant! Yep hear me out…...You see when we procrastinate we sit still, we put our feet up, rest for a while.  Maybe just veg in front of the TV or stand still, focusing on the most mundane task because let's face it ironing is therapeutic .  So here’s my tip….. welcome Procrastination in like an old friend, sit it down with you  and have a long chat.  Actually appreciate that time spent doing Sweet FA because quite frankly we are all a little bit wrapped up in our own self importance all a little too busy sometimes everything feels a little manic for us  to realise that we need to Slow the Fuck down.

Tip 2.

Whilst in the midst of procrastination you may realise that the thing you wanted to do isn’t really for you or maybe the whole picture hadn’t been formulated or even thought about in a rational way.  So there may be a reason that procrastination happens .  It may be your body's way of letting you know why it doesn’t want to do that thing.  The subtle art of actually listening to your inner voice is then required.  And this dark art may take time to hone.  So next time you’re sat down, avoiding every damn job on the list.  Ask yourself “why am I avoiding the job in hand”?  You may be surprised at what you hear.  But and here is a warning, don’t confuse depression with procrastination, that's a whole different ball game that needs to be addressed differently.  As with everything, see if you can get some help. Remember we have a voice so use it.  Above all, don't be afraid to ask for help on whatever it is you need to do, to finish that particular assignment. (yes I am absolutely shit at this but I am getting better baby steps)

Tip 3.

And finally here is the best result of avoiding that certain task.  And this has happened to me on more than one occasion.  Whilst burying my head deep in an ironing pile, it’s given me time to day dream, to think, to let my mind wonder.  The Huff post has another great article here which goes on to suggest that this sort of boredom is the best thing that can happen to you.  Whilst lost in my other world, new ideas and pathways have spurned from that first initial thought. And a few of them have actually saved me from a major fu*k up.

So instead of beating yourself up over your lack of enthusiasm for your current to do list  Give yourself a friendly talking to. Because Talking Kindness is where it’s at!   Being gentle with yourself is a great way to get to know who you are and what you’re about. Basically “Get to know YOU” Having a little rest can generate the required energy to finish that job.  Don’t be afraid to step outside, to get those creative juices flowing.  We are all a little bit guilty of trying to rush to the end of who knows where.  So why not sit back and enjoy the scenery along the way.  I can tell you there is no black hole that opens up when you fail to deliver on the day (maybe a few disappointed looks).  But that's for you to navigate yourself.  Because if that has happened, return to point 2. 

 After all, there's always tomorrow. 

*N.b

And of course there is nothing like the last minute, to create the oomph required to tap out your most amazing work you’ve ever delivered.  Believe me I have been saved by that fly by the seat of your pants approach on more days that I can count.  

Love to you all wherever you may be procrastinating 

#TalkingKindness

Roo Betty style xxx