Ross O'Carroll-Kelly @ The Irish Times

‘Sorcha, I don’t need ChatGPT to tell me how to talk to my daughter and the girl she’s seeing’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 17 Apr 2026 14:18:59 GMT

Sorcha asks me how I’m feeling and I tell her I’m in scintillating form – especially after the win over Sale yesterday. I’m half-thinking of doing my joke about having a semi to look forward to – but then I think better of it.

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‘Potatoes au gratin? My old dear used to say they’re for people with money but no class’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 10 Apr 2026 16:35:07 GMT

“Come in,” she goes.

This is Bernie I’m quoting – word for word, by the way – as in, like, Bernie the mother of Claire from, like, Bray of all places?

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We’re driving through Donnybrook and Sorcha shouts ‘Stop!’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 03 Apr 2026 15:43:57 GMT

“Stop!” Sorcha goes. Yeah, no, we’re driving through Donnybrook at the time. I generally slow down anyway as we’re passing the spot where Kielys once stood, just to make the sign of the cross on myself. Except Sorcha is looking past me at the other side of the road?

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‘Ross,’ Sorcha goes, ‘we’re not going to Dubai. We cancelled because of the war.’ I’m there, ‘What war?’ and I genuinely mean it

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 27 Mar 2026 23:54:38 GMT

The airport is absolutely rammers and I’m in – it has to be said – scintillating form, so much so that Sorcha actually remorks on it.

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‘We’re losing, like, 32-0. The Blackrock first years are taking us aport’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 Mar 2026 16:55:23 GMT

I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is actually happening? Yeah, no, you always try to think about worst case scenarios in your head – just so you have a plan in case something goes wrong – but this is beyond my, literally, worst nightmares.

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‘I’m so full of myself this morning that I’m actually making myself sick’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 13 Mar 2026 17:53:02 GMT

This is me in my – yeah, no – absolute happy place. Castlerock College jersey with the collar popped. Rugby Tactics Book under my orm. The match against Blackrock College is just four days away and I have a plan to beat them.

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‘There you go with the school rivalry thing again. You need to move on’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 06 Mar 2026 17:14:59 GMT

So it’s, like, 11 o’clock on Sunday morning and I’m hord at work – albeit still in bed – making notes in my famous Rugby Tactics Book. Sorcha walks into the room and goes, “Get dressed, Ross. We’re going out for lunch.”

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‘The woman is as C as M – as my old dear used to say. Common as muck’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 27 Feb 2026 17:00:26 GMT

“Kicker!” the old man has the actual nerve to go. “To what do I owe this pleasant surprise?”

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‘How embarrassing is it for me to have three kids who are absolutely focking useless at rugby?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 Feb 2026 16:56:23 GMT

Sorcha says this is the worst thing I’ve ever done. And it’s far from it. I could give her a list of 50 things, except I doubt if it would help my cause.

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The words every south Dublin rugby parent dreads: ‘Dad, I want to join the drama society’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 13 Feb 2026 07:00:00 GMT

There’s no sugar-coating this one. We’ve been taken to the literally cleaners today. Yeah, no, beaten 45-10 by – and there’s easy way of saying this – Wesley College, the same Wesley College who haven’t won a Leinster Schools Senior Cup since the world was in pretty much black and white.

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‘I’ve never said a word about Bray that wasn’t 100% warranted’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 06 Feb 2026 16:41:07 GMT

I’m like, “A what?” And Honor goes, “A double date. It’s cute.” I’m there, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Claire from Bray of all places–”

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‘We’re getting rid of the cor. Right focking now’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 30 Jan 2026 17:49:09 GMT

Joy Felton – yeah, no, one of our neighbours – is standing at the front gates as I swing the cor into the driveway and she nearly ends up with the BMW logo imprinted backwards across her, I want to say, midriff?

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‘What’s this about my old man being on the apps?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 23 Jan 2026 22:02:35 GMT

A Prius pulls up at the next pump, just as I’m imagining what topics my pep talk would touch on, and suddenly I hear the driver say my name. She’s like, “Ross!”

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‘Dude, you’re going to have to choose between science and rugby’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 16 Jan 2026 11:42:29 GMT

So – yeah, no – I’m in the staffroom and I’m chatting to one or two teachers about the Leinster match against La Rochelle: Miss Casey, who teaches something-or-other, and Miss Nealon, who teaches, I don’t know, something else.

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‘There’s a Londis in Foxrock? I’d say my old dear is turning in her–’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 09 Jan 2026 16:22:27 GMT

I’m packing away the last of the Christmas bits and – yeah, no – I’m throwing out the Advent calendar that someone sent me obviously as a joke. It’s a Blackrock College Advent calendar – which is the same as a regular Advent calendar, except that your daddy opens all of the doors for you!

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‘We’re going to run up the Sugar Loaf carrying rocks. Work through the pain barrier!’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 02 Jan 2026 12:08:07 GMT

“Okay,” I go, “today we’re going to work on one or two moves from this sacred text,” and I show the players my famous Rugby Tactics Book.

There are no gasps from the kids, even though there are a lot of rugby coaches out there who would kill to get their hands on it.

Yeah, no, they all just roll their eyes, probably pissed off at being asked to train in Herbert Pork on New Year’s Day....

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‘Elf went missing and Sorcha’s old man went loop-the-focking-loop. He actually rang the Gords’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 19 Dec 2025 11:20:29 GMT

Sorcha’s old dear has a scream on her like Wayne Bornes’s whistle. Sorcha’s old man is like, “What in the name of God?” and we all rush into the living room – we’re talking me, Sorcha and, like I said, her old man – to see her standing there with the famous Elf on the Shelf in her hand.

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Christmas or no Christmas, I’m frankly disappointed by Sorcha’s lack of killer instinct

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 12 Dec 2025 17:12:32 GMT

“Mee, meh, mah, moh, moo,” Sorcha goes – and not for the first time since we left Dublin. “Mee, meh, mah, moh, moo.” And I’m there, “Don’t worry – I’ll, em, let you know when that gets annoying.” She goes, “I’m doing my vocal exercises, Ross. This is a huge night for us.”

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The old man goes, ‘I’m sorry. I just can’t muster any enthusiasm for Christmas this year’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 16:47:37 GMT

The old man says he doesn’t think he’ll bother with Christmas this year – “what with everything”. By which he means, what with it being the first one since the old dear – yeah, no – pegged it. Sorcha goes, “Oh my God, Chorles, Fionnuala was such a Christmas person. She’d want you to celebrate it.”

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‘We’re going to buy a sh**load of frozen turkeys - if there’s a shortage I can sell them for €500 each’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 28 Nov 2025 10:32:40 GMT

Sorcha is in her – literally? – element. She goes, “This is gorgeous, isn’t it?” This being the humungous Christmas morket in – believe it or not – Belfast. Honor’s there, “I still don’t understand what we’re even doing here?” And Sorcha’s like, “Honor, we may end up living in a united Ireland one day. And what do we know about our brothers and sisters from the North?” “They’re very angry,” Johnny goes.

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‘Ronan is hanging out with the absolute scum of the earth: my old man and Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 21 Nov 2025 13:43:06 GMT

Ronan shows up at the front door wearing a Santa hat and a big smile. I’m there, “What are you, drunk?” because I’m aware that the Ireland soccer team had some kind of result at the weekend.

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‘Dude, if you insist on coaching Blackrock, you can forget about me being your best man’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 14 Nov 2025 16:11:11 GMT

Things have been a bit – yeah, no – strained between Christian and me ever since he got back with his ex-wife, Lauren. I told him straight out that he was Hertz Car Rental even thinking about going there again. But he asked her to marry him irregordless and then, in the first flush of their rediscovered love, she asked him – “tell me honestly, I won’t be angry” – what his friends thought of them getting hitched again and the dude snitched on me like a parrot with a megaphone.

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‘It’s all right for you,’ Honor goes. ‘You can have any woman you want’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 07 Nov 2025 16:50:29 GMT

The front door slams and the entire orangerie – built without planning permission at the height of the Celtic Tiger – shakes to its foundations. Sorcha’s eyes meet mine. Ten seconds later we hear Honor’s bedroom door slam too and we both silently wonder whether the structure will stay standing for what’s left of our daughter’s teenage years.

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‘I don’t like who my son has become since he started playing rugby. He’s full of himself’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 31 Oct 2025 20:21:15 GMT

The room is absolutely rammers and I’m listening outside the door as various randomers talk s, h, one, t, about me and my famous coaching methods.

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‘There’s no such thing as academic-sporting balance. Not in schools that are serious about being winners’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 24 Oct 2025 15:17:06 GMT

There’s a meeting. That’s the big news of the day. I’m like, “What kind of a meeting?” And Fionn goes, “Ross, you’re not invited.”

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This is my son now – north Dublin’s leading wine snob

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Tue, 21 Oct 2025 14:33:55 GMT

“Here, Rosser,” Ronan goes, pouring me a lorge glass of red, “get yisser laughing gear around that.”

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‘I’m not going to call you Mister anything,’ I tell the deputy principal, and the boys all stort sniggering

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 10 Oct 2025 15:42:01 GMT

So – yeah, no – the kids are all standing around me in a semi-circle and they’re, like, hanging on my every word. And I’m in my absolute element, of course, going, “Today, I’m going to teach you guys a thing or two about passing this beautiful object,” showing them a rugby ball. “Now, can anyone here name some types of passes that we might use in rugby?”

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Honor’s date for the debs is a looker. She clearly takes after her old man in that regord

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 03 Oct 2025 08:43:24 GMT

Sorcha is up to pretty much 90. It’s the night of Honor’s debs and we’re all waiting for her date, Iarlaith – yeah, no, a girl – to arrive. Sorcha’s old pair are here, as well as my old man, then 10 or 11 of Sorcha’s friends and half the Vico Road.

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Ronan pours the wine and goes, ‘It’s a surprising little number with notes of candyfloss, anchovies and balsawood’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 26 Sep 2025 14:09:58 GMT

The street in front of the restaurant is absolutely rammers and I spot quite a few familiar faces – we’re talking former government ministers, we’re talking former High Court judges, we’re talking two or three former rugby internationals and one or two heads from RTÉ.

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‘You were mugged in Dalkey? Things like that don’t happen there’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 19 Sep 2025 14:08:33 GMT

Sorcha lets out a scream when she sees me. It reminds me of the time during the recession when her BT loyalty cord was downgraded from Platinum to Electrum. It’s, like, high-pitched and – yeah, no – blood-curdling?

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‘I didn’t do a tap in school and yet life worked out pretty well for me’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 12 Sep 2025 17:15:01 GMT

This is me in my absolute element. I’m there, “Rugby is a sport in which you travel forwards by going backwards, in which to succeed is to ‘try’ and in which the ball is shaped with the actual intention of breaking your hort.”

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‘The old man running a restaurant is like asking me to teach physics through Irish’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 05 Sep 2025 14:56:18 GMT

Sorcha says she’s delighted for my old man. Yeah, no, as you may or may not have read in the pages of this paper, he and Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara have bought Shanahan’s on the Green and are planning to reopen it in, like, two weeks’ time.

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‘Rugby is the best idea we’ve ever come up with as a species,’ I go, channelling Fr Fehily

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 29 Aug 2025 11:00:00 GMT

It’s finally here. A day I’ve dreamt about for, like, 12 years. Brian, Johnny and Leo are storting school in Castlerock College, where their old man famously went and his old man before him.

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Sorcha goes, ‘The Dalkey Lobster Festival is this weekend. How am I going to show my face?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 22 Aug 2025 09:34:43 GMT

“I remember when you got your Leaving Cert results,” Sorcha’s old man goes. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of you, Dorling.”

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‘I think you should have a conversation with Honor about her drinking,’ Sorcha goes

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 15 Aug 2025 07:50:27 GMT

So – yeah, no – we’re in the cor, on the way to the airport, to collect Honor, who’s coming home from her Leaving Cert holiday in, believe it or not, Magaluf.

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‘I got thrun out of Amedica,’ Ronan goes. ‘Me visa was revoked’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 08 Aug 2025 09:22:28 GMT

So I’m walking around town with Ronan and – yeah, no – we’re playing a game we used to play when he was, like, eight years old: when we pass a shop or restaurant, he tells me whether it’s a real business or a money-laundering front.

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When Honor drops the news, I sit there with my mouth open like someone from Roscommon seeing escalators for the first time

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 01 Aug 2025 11:00:00 GMT

Sorcha tells Honor that she’s leaving it very late.

Honor’s like, “What are you talking about?”

And Sorcha goes, “I’m talking about the debs, Honor.”

Honor’s there, “Not this again,” and she’s right because her old is like a dog with a chew toy.

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The old dear made a seating plan for her own funeral. She didn’t want ugly people in the first three pews

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 25 Jul 2025 15:00:00 GMT

Sorcha says I can’t wear those.

And I’m like, “My Dubes? What’s wrong with my Dubes?”

She goes, “You can’t wear Dubes to a funeral, Ross. Put a pair of actual shoes on.”

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I get this sudden flashback to when I was six or seven and I’d hold the wheel steady for the old dear while she drove home, half-cut

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 18 Jul 2025 11:00:00 GMT

“Okay,” the old man goes, “here’s another one you, Kicker!” because – yeah, no – he’s written a book of his Fifty Years of Letters to The Irish Times, which Honor has helped pull together for him. “Listen to this one! Dear Madam. Whilst sorting through the vegetable tower in the kitchen the other morning, I discovered an oval-shaped tuber with a pale yellow flesh. Is this a record?”

No one laughs – except him, of course?

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The old dear goes, ‘Sorcha? I don’t know anyone of that name. Is she one of your tarts, Ross?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 11 Jul 2025 17:00:00 GMT

The room is absolutely rammers and through the door I spot so many faces from the past. We’re talking Angela and Dermot from the campaign to move Funderland to the northside. We’re talking Ida and Clem from the campaign to stop the Luas from coming to Foxrock. We’re talking Lucy and Aednat from the campaign to stop poor people being allowed into the National Gallery.

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Oisinn goes, ‘Dude, you’re saying goodbye. You do realise that? You’re saying goodbye to your old dear’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 04 Jul 2025 13:02:55 GMT

“What the fock?” Oisinn goes. “Are you serious?”

I’m there, “Oh, I’m serious all right. I’m as serious as – well, you know what.”

He goes, “A living funeral? Where did this idea even come from?"

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Brett goes, ‘She’s close to the end, Ross. I was thinking we should arrange a living funeral for her’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 27 Jun 2025 14:24:54 GMT

“He must have been in a fight last night,” Sorcha goes.

And – yeah, no – she’s talking about my brother slash half-brother, Brett.

I’m there, “Why do you say he was in a fight?”

And she goes, “Oh my God, didn’t you see the bruises on his neck when he came home this morning?”

Seriously, sometimes it’s like she was never young at all.

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I’m always telling Sorcha to tone down the southside when we come out to Bray but she never listens

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 Jun 2025 13:01:40 GMT

I’m like, “Bray?”

And Sorcha’s there, “Yes, Ross – Bray!”

I’m like, “But why do we have to go to Bray?” sounding like a spoiled child – in other words, one of ours.

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‘I haven’t really been living before now,’ Brett tells his wife. ‘Ross has slept with more than 800 women’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 13 Jun 2025 13:30:26 GMT

So it’s, like, ridiculous o’clock on a Saturday morning – we’re talking nine, ten, something like that – and I hear a ring on the front doorbell, followed, a short time later, by the sound of a woman’s voice going, “Is this the home of Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?”

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‘I’m not even a bit stressed,’ Honor goes, ‘I haven’t done a focking tap for these exams’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 06 Jun 2025 11:00:00 GMT

Sorcha thinks we should maybe check on Honor and there’s an air of definite excitement in her voice when she says it? Yeah, no, it’s the night before the stort of the Leaving Cert and my wife is absolutely determined that this should be one of those mother-daughter moments...

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He obviously decided that he’d wasted his life, focusing on career, marriage and family goals

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 30 May 2025 19:00:00 GMT

Sorcha tells me that I need to do something and obviously, I’m like, “Er – as in?”

Yeah, no, Angela – the wife of my brother slash half-brother – has been on the phone from the States and Sorcha is running out of excuses....

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We’ve been through so much. I slept with two of JP’s ex-girlfriends, and Christian’s actual mother and even that didn’t break us up

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 23 May 2025 11:00:00 GMT

“So this dude here,” Oisinn goes – and he means me, “he tucks the ball under his orm, beats five players and crosses the try-line under the posts. But he doesn’t ground the ball there. No, he puts it down in the corner to make the conversion horder for himself"...

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Honor goes, ‘People will talk about my speech for years to come. And that’s just in the libel courts’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sun, 18 May 2025 17:08:30 GMT

My daughter is giving the valedictory at the Mount Anville graduation, and there’s a little something in it for everyone

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Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘My old dear doesn’t have the embarrassment gene. It’s a South Dublin thing’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 09 May 2025 14:21:44 GMT

So – yeah, no – the old dear is in the swimming pool when we rock up to the nursing home, doing her – I don’t know – hydrotherapy exercises? She’s dancing to Shania Twain’s Man! I Feel Like a Woman! while holding a beach ball and she has singlehandedly cured me of my fetish for women in wet swimwear.

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Honor is staring at Brett like he’s an ATM and she’s sitting in a JCB, trying to work the levers

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 25 Apr 2025 23:00:00 GMT

Brett asks me what she was like when she was younger. I’m like, “Who?” He goes, “Our mother.” And it’s random because I’ve never thought of the old dear ever being – like he said – young.

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‘That picture The Last Supper is weird. They’re all sitting on the same side of the table’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 18 Apr 2025 09:20:10 GMT

So – yeah, no – I grab a stick of Heinemite from the fridge and I ask Sorcha, “Who’s the kid in the bow tie?” The reason I ask is because I don’t trust kids in bow ties. I’m on the record as saying that putting a bow tie on any human being turns him straight away into an insufferable dickhead. We’re talking nightclub bouncers. We’re talking wine waiters. We’re talking clowns.

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Honor goes, ‘I’m editing the school yearbook photographs of anyone who pissed me off’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sun, 13 Apr 2025 11:52:47 GMT

Honor is sitting at her computer doing fock knows what? Although I’d be shocked if it was homework. I’m there, “Honor, I need you to brace yourself – for some news.”

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‘Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can,’ the old dear sings. Her earrings cost more than my cor

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 04 Apr 2025 14:27:33 GMT

She’s sitting in the window of the, whatever you want to call it, nursing home, playing the piano – badly, I might add – and I get a sudden flashback to my childhood. This is what she did whenever we had, like, visitors coming to the gaff.

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‘I most certainly do have an American accent,’ I tell my supposed half-brother. ‘I’m from south Dublin’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 28 Mar 2025 10:28:10 GMT

For, like, 30 seconds, I’m as quiet as Thomond Pork since 2019 and the dude ends up having to repeat himself.

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Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I hate my children too. Like, how could three kids of mine turn out to be such dicks?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 21 Mar 2025 06:00:00 GMT

So it’s, like, Paddy’s Day and me and the goys have arranged to go for our usual walk on Killiney Hill with the kids. They’re already waiting for us in the cor pork – we’re talking JP with little Isa, we’re talking Fionn with Hillary, we’re talking Christian with Ross Junior and Oliver and we’re talking Oisinn with little Paavo.

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Most schools fear Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara like they would a typhoid outbreak

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 15 Mar 2025 14:20:30 GMT

Honor says she’s not worried. She says she couldn’t give two focks. But Sorcha’s like, “Well, you’d better give two focks. This is a serious matter. A head girl has never been expelled, Honor – not in the 170-year history of this school.”

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I’m there to Honor, ‘You’ve never been good at school. I always thought you took after me’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 07 Mar 2025 14:46:59 GMT

“The fock is this?” I go. Yeah, no, I’m doing the morning school run, crawling up Trees Road in a procession of all-terrain vehicles, like an invading ormy, when Honor hands me a piece of paper. She goes, “It’s, like, my results – from, like, my mocks?

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‘I haven’t come here today to listen to you badmouth my mother – the axe-faced old trout'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 28 Feb 2025 15:06:37 GMT

Conor Hession sits on the terrace, nursing a vodka lorge enough to put a grizzly bear to sleep. He’s like, “She was quite the most conniving, the most calculating, the most manipulative person I’ve ever met. And completely devoid of human feeling, of course.”

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‘My old dear said you had a kid together. Well, I’m its half-brother. Or half-sister if it’s a girl’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 21 Feb 2025 09:34:01 GMT

Sorcha rings me and there’s an air of, like, panic in her voice? She goes, “Ross, where are you?” Yeah, no, we’re in Portugal for midterm – along with the rest of south Dublin – and I’m on the road from Quinta do Lago to Vilamoura. Although I don’t tell her that.

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‘Only cheat with someone who’s married. It’s the principle of mutually assured destruction’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 14 Feb 2025 09:54:09 GMT

Sorcha goes, “This is exciting, isn’t it, Ross?” because – yeah, no – we’re having dinner in Iguazu, a new hipster restaurant on Camden Street, where there’s no actual menu and an algorithm chooses what you’re going to eat based on the answers you provide to 10 questions when you’re booking.

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‘I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. Wouldn’t be the first time’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 07 Feb 2025 11:35:05 GMT

Dalisay says she’s in the pool. I’m like, “The pool?” “Yes,” she goes. “Your mother likes to swim every morning. Would you like to see her?” I’m there, “In a way, no? But I suppose that’s what I’m here for, isn’t it? So I suppose – yeah, no – lead the way.” I walk with her from the old dear’s private ward to the actual gym.

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When Ronan was 10, I said, ‘I need to have the chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 31 Jan 2025 15:55:54 GMT

The Broken Orms is absolutely packed to the rafters for the engagement porty of Tina, the mother of my firstborn, to Tom, her fireman boyfriend, who famously played 300 matches in the All Ireland League, albeit for Bornhall.

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The dude goes, ‘The famous Rosser, what?’ looking me over like I’m a buffet item gone cold

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 24 Jan 2025 05:00:00 GMT

So – yeah, no – I’m in Dunnes Stores in, like, the Stephen’s Green Shopping Centre, grabbing a few bits for Sorcha, who’s making a special dinner tonight. I dump my items on the checkout belt and make a mental note to find out if it’s her birthday, or our wedding anniversary, when all of a sudden I hear an old woman’s voice go, “Mind if I just go ahead of you there, son?”

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‘You wouldn’t last one day as a girl,’ Honor tells me

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 17 Jan 2025 16:19:52 GMT

Honor walks through the arrivals gate with a face as long as a wet weekend in Knock and I take it as read that the week in St Moritz was a bit of a let-down?

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‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 10 Jan 2025 10:55:28 GMT

It would be an understatement to say that Honor was never the most popular girl growing up. As a matter of fact, on the very rare occasions when she was invited to a porty, Sorcha used to sew cubes of pancetta into the hem of her dress so that at least the family’s dog would play with her.

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‘Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 03 Jan 2025 19:45:38 GMT

The old man and Hennessy look a total state in their chef’s uniforms. Yeah, no, they’ve invited us all around to the old pair’s gaff for a New Year’s Eve dinner, a dry run – their words – for when the two of them supposedly buy and then reopen Shanahan’s on the Green.

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Sorcha is standing at the island with a boning knife in one hand and an espresso in the other, grinning at us like a serial killer

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 Dec 2024 07:00:40 GMT

So I’m, like, standing out on the balcony and – yeah, no – I’m vaping like a crazy person and I’m going, “Remember, goys, your old dear is going to be under a lot of pressure today.”

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The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 13 Dec 2024 07:00:20 GMT

The old dear smiles and I end up having to look away. I’m there, “Can you at least put your teeth in?”

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‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sun, 08 Dec 2024 18:27:45 GMT

Sorcha says she knows me. She knows me inside-out. But I tell her that the Rossmeister General still has one or two surprises in his locker.

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‘Sorcha, I’m wondering is climate justice maybe a bit above Santa’s pay grade?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 29 Nov 2024 17:33:25 GMT

So – yeah, no – it’s that magical night of the year again when we all sit down as a family and write our letter to Santa Claus. We’ve the Bublé CD on and we’re all wearing our Christmas jumpers.

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Sorcha goes, ‘I make no apologies for saying it, Honor. You are a danger to democracy’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 22 Nov 2024 13:48:38 GMT

Honor is in an absolute fouler when she gets into the cor.

I’m there, “Tough day at school?”

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When they see the copper, the triplets think it’s about them gobbing on the cauliflower and turmeric latte crowd - which I’m not even sure is a crime’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 15 Nov 2024 15:00:52 GMT

There’s a Gorda cor bent around a lamppost and people are standing around looking shocked. Who could be responsible for this cornage?

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‘We’ve no idea what caused the fire. And we’re sticking to that story’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 08 Nov 2024 12:00:00 GMT

Sorcha is flirting with the fireman while the focking house is on fire, but there’ll be focking war if she finds out about the fireworks

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‘People in the crowd are staring at Honor like she’s a cold sore on debs night’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 01 Nov 2024 13:51:44 GMT

So I’m standing with Honor at the junction of Foster Avenue and the N11 and we’re watching people pass us by with agony, I don’t know, etched all over their faces? Yeah, no, JP is running the Dublin City Marathon and I’ve turned up to cheer him on, as well as – obviously – the rest of the field.

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‘The thought of booking a table for one at Shanahan’s on the Green got me through my prison sentence’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 26 Oct 2024 10:26:42 GMT

Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara rings me. Which is a rare enough occurrence. On the four, maybe five, occasions it’s happened, it’s been to ask me to retrieve the Go Bag that he insists on storing in our attic and to drive him to Dublin Airport.

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JP is staring at me like I’ve said I’m really enjoying his old dear’s OnlyFans account

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 18 Oct 2024 15:40:52 GMT

JP says Chloe is writing a novel based on her college days. He’s like, “She’s hoping to do for DBS what Sally Rooney did for Trinity.”

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‘A threesome?’ Sorcha goes. ‘Why would you think I’d be into having a threesome?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 11 Oct 2024 15:07:41 GMT

Sorcha asks if the beef is from a regenerative form and I end up having to look away. Seriously, you can’t bring her anywhere.

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‘Things have changed since you were at school, Sorcha,’ the old man goes. ‘We recognise that traditional media is our enemy now’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 04 Oct 2024 14:00:19 GMT

Hennessy, the old man and Honor are sitting around the island, looking as thick as thieves. Which is exactly what they are.

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The competition gets under way. The entrants are each told to remove a sock and put it in the pint glass in front of them

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 30 Sep 2024 17:16:54 GMT

Driving through the gates of University College Dublin (UCD) brings back one or two memories. Not that I spent much time in the place when I did the Sports Man Dip course back in the day.

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‘Your father is a moral eunuch, Ross. Those aren’t my words. That was a main finding of the Mahon tribunal’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 Sep 2024 16:05:02 GMT

So we’re in Morton’s of Ranelagh, doing the big shop, when we run into Rebecca Leahy, the old dear of Honor’s classmate Diva Leahy. Actually, she and Sorcha both reach for the last punnet of kumquats in the shop and I watch Sorcha’s body shape change to fight mode until Rebecca goes, “Sorcha! How are you? Oh my God, look at you! You must weigh nothing!”

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The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 13 Sep 2024 11:00:42 GMT

I‘ve always worried about Honor – from the time she emerged from her mother’s womb and gave a “fock you” look to the midwife who slapped her orse.

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A lot of things are storting to make sense, including the violin case Leo carries around with him like a Chicago gangster

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 06 Sep 2024 11:00:48 GMT

Leo’s music teacher, Mrs Gordon, says that Leo has a genuine gift for music and I’m thinking that I need this like Ranelagh needs more launderettes with performance spaces.

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‘Our daughter is nothing like Donald Trump, Sorcha – aport from the tan and the vengefulness’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 30 Aug 2024 11:00:18 GMT

It’s, like, the first day back at school for Honor and she eats her muesli with the quiet, steely-eyed intensity of me doing my traditional 500 sit-ups on the first morning of the Six Nations Championship.

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Sorcha knows my game. She can read me like the instructions on an airplane vomit bag

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 23 Aug 2024 14:24:00 GMT

It’s true what they say – travel really does broaden the mind. And even though I’ve never seen the point of having loads of knowledge in my head when pretty much everything is available on the internet, you can still end up learning things when you go abroad whether you like it or not.

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It’s a miracle Sorcha’s old man has never killed me, though he did buy me a plot in Shanganagh Cemetery for my 40th

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 16 Aug 2024 11:00:11 GMT

Sorcha says this is the worst thing I’ve ever done to her. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever done to her. It’s not even in the top 10. But I don’t think it’s going to help my case if I stort running through some of my greatest hits.

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‘Are you aware that your children are Protestants now?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 09 Aug 2024 12:48:07 GMT

So — yeah, no — Oisínn has landed himself an unbelievably cushy job. As a matter of fact, I have to ask him to repeat himself because I presume I’ve, like, misheard him?

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How do you become a Protestant? ‘You have to drink the blood of a Sussex chicken on Dalkey Island under a gibbous moon’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 03 Aug 2024 03:45:42 GMT

Alice says that was a very interesting reading by me the other morning. She says she’s never heard the story of the Prodigal Son told in that way before.

I’m there, “You mean all the different voices?”

She goes, “The voices, yes – but also the sound effects.”

I’m there, “I wanted to, you know, put a bit of welly into it for the audience. I was a bit of a showman in my rugby days. I think what we’re finding out is that it’s a quality that never really leaves you,” and I give her a big, leathery wink....

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Honor has picked a theme for her year as Mount Anville head girl: ‘Vengeance’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 26 Jul 2024 14:09:11 GMT

I’ve never been one of those parents. You know the kind I’m talking about. Their kid does a poo for the first time sitting on a toilet and they’re taking out an ad in The Irish Times to announce the news. It’s genuinely rare that I find myself in a position to say – like I did on Friday – that I’m proud of one of my children. Honor has now completed exactly half of her community service hours for vandalising hundreds of SUVs across south Dublin. I know it’s a low bor that I’ve set for her, but here we are.

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‘Protestants are not that much different from us. I mean, they’re definitely less craic, but they get sh*t done’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 19 Jul 2024 16:00:00 GMT

I’m not usually one of those, what I like to call Flat White Wankers, but that’s what I’m drinking this morning, sitting outside the Happy Out Café on the seafront in Dún Laoghaire.

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‘What’s on offer,’ she goes, smiling, ‘is eternal life,’ and I do believe she’s flirting

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 12 Jul 2024 11:00:10 GMT

Leo is the first of us to get restless. He goes, “Oh my God, this is so boring!” and this is in the middle of the Protestant equivalent of, like, Mass?

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‘Ross, it’s not just a case of filling out a form and – hey, presto – you’re a Protestant’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 05 Jul 2024 13:27:34 GMT

If getting Brian, Johnny and Leo into a new school means changing my religion and getting up on Sunday mornings, then I’ll do it

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Honor goes, ‘I was into Taylor Swift before, like, anyone?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 28 Jun 2024 11:00:45 GMT

Christian is sitting at our usual table in 3fe on Sussex Terrace and I can tell instantly that something is up. When you’ve played ten to someone’s twelve, you can have no secrets from each other. Fact of rugby, fact of life.

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Sorcha goes, ‘You had an erotic dream – about my mom?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 21 Jun 2024 11:00:23 GMT

So I’m in the cor with Sorcha and we’re on the way to Clonskeagh to collect Brian, Johnny and Leo from school. Yeah, no, they’re finishing up today and we’re bringing them out for lunch to say fair focks to them for going another year without being expelled. Like most south Dublin parents, we set a very low bor for our children.

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Sorcha refuses to meet my eye. And I don’t blame her – setting up her own daughter like this

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 14 Jun 2024 15:35:25 GMT

It’s the old Jonny Bell that hits me first – a combination of bacon, cheese and Tom Ford Portofino that comes wafting up the stairs and under the bedroom door looking for me.

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‘I want it gone, Ross. I want you to get it lasered off’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 07 Jun 2024 13:19:23 GMT

So – yeah, no – I’m mowing the back gorden with my top off again, portly to showcase the work I’ve been doing in the gym since the stort of January, and portly to see how long it takes for it to become an item of discussion on the Dalkey Open Forum

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Honor and Liesel are both smiling and it’s like driving towards a cor with its lights on full beam. I end up having to turn away

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 31 May 2024 11:00:00 GMT

The school concert hall is absolutely rammers this afternoon. We’re talking, like, 1,000 students and parents crammed between the walls to hear the result of the election for Mount Anville Head Girl for 2024-2025 and I haven’t seen Honor looking so pleased with herself since the time she swapped her old dear’s hair conditioning mask for Veet.

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‘Goys – it’s time that I got the tattoo’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 24 May 2024 11:00:00 GMT

It’s Friday afternoon in London, the day before the European Champions Cup final. We’ve spent the last three hours talking about our favourite memories from our years following Leinster.

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‘Ross, someone has put up a poster of Honor on Foster Avenue.’ Apporently kompromat is the solution?

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 17 May 2024 14:51:31 GMT

So I’m driving along Vico Road – one of the bits of the road where two cors can barely pass – when I notice a black SUV coming towards me at speed...

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‘What if she wins, Ross? I’ve already heard some of the other moms refer to her as the Trump candidate’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 10 May 2024 11:00:00 GMT

“Oh my God,” Sorcha goes, “what is she doing?” Yeah, no, she’s talking about Honor, who’s smiling so hord that it looks like someone has jammed a coat hanger in her mouth sideways.

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Can’t a father and son go for a pint without there being some, I don’t know, anterior motive?

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 03 May 2024 11:00:20 GMT

So it’s, like, Friday night and I’m having the usual pints with the goys in The Bridge. Dave Kearney asks how we’re getting on with a big smirk on his face. We’re all, like, crowded around my phone.

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Honor is only running for Mount Anville head girl to downgrade her old dear’s greatest life achievement

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 27 Apr 2024 05:00:42 GMT

The old man steps into the kitchen with a Montecristo the size of a rolled-up yoga mat burning between his fat fingers. Sorcha storts coughing – her passive-aggressive way of telling him that we don’t allow smoking in this house – but he just ignores her, like he did when she tried to introduce a similar rule about shoes.

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‘There’s a video of me doing the rounds on this famous Tick Tocks dot com’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 22 Apr 2024 15:21:11 GMT

How quickly the years go by. That’s what I’m thinking as I’m taking the right turn at Donnybrook Bus Depot.

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‘You should be ashamed of yourselves! We’re old enough to be your parents and we’ve taken you to three sets!’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 12 Apr 2024 11:00:58 GMT

I had my nightmare again last night, the one where I have a one-night stand with Taylor Swift and then I ghost the girl and she ends up writing 15 or 16 songs about me and they’re on the radio constantly. And – yeah, no – I woke up screaming.

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‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 08 Apr 2024 12:22:04 GMT

Sorcha is upset. I totally get that? But I haven’t seen her over-react like this since I ate a tin of macadamias from the hotel mini-bor on a weekend city break in Ljubljana.

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‘You are not having a hort attack! I’m not allowing it!’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 29 Mar 2024 12:00:45 GMT

Réaltín smiles. Which might well be a first for her. Yeah, no, we’re in Baldoyle of all places, playing Thor Frimann and Lisa Murray – the reigning champions – in the semi-finals of the mixed doubles at the Leinster Padel Championships. It’s, like, one set apiece and we’re winning 5-4 in the third.

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‘I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone. I resent the allegation’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 22 Mar 2024 12:00:04 GMT

I tell Honor that I’m proud of her.

I’m there, “Obviously, I don’t mean that literally?” because all she’s actually done is spend her Paddy’s Day picking litter up off the beach in Curracloe as port of her community service. “I’m proud of the way you’re, like, owning what you did?”

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Three European Cups, three Six Nations, one Grand Slam – but never winning a Leinster Schools Senior Cup clearly still rankles Heaslip

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 15 Mar 2024 12:00:00 GMT

I’m the first to arrive. I order a pint of the obvious and I do a quick circuit of the place. There’s no one here yet, even though I said eight o’clock and it’s quarter-past already. Fr Fehily wouldn’t have put up with that. What was it he used to say? Better three hours too early than a minute too late?

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‘Don’t tell me I don’t know Ross O’Carroll-Kelly. You bullied me for most of secondary school’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 08 Mar 2024 13:00:30 GMT

I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later.

“Ross?” the dude goes, pulling a face at me across the net. “Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?”

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‘I haven’t cheated on you in, like, 10 years, though – well, let’s just say a long time’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 01 Mar 2024 12:00:34 GMT

Sorcha asks me straight out if I’m having an affair.

I’m like, “Why would you even think that?”

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Honor rubs at the graffiti with a dainty, circular motion, like she’s applying foundation to the face of an elderly loved one

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 23 Feb 2024 12:00:00 GMT

I haven’t seen Honor look this angry since the time she spear-tackled a woman who tried to cheat her out of first place in the sack race at the Castle Pork Dalkey Open Sports Day.

She’s like, “What ... the ... fock?”

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Sorcha goes, ‘I don’t need a 26-old copy of Cosmopolitan to tell me that I married the wrong man’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 16 Feb 2024 13:00:00 GMT

Sorcha says she’s sorry and I’m there, “Hey, it’s cool,” even though I’ve no idea what she’s even apologising for?

She goes, “Oh my God, I was such an idiot.”

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Our daughter came out of the womb with two middle fingers raised to the world. That’s not down to us

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 10 Feb 2024 08:56:21 GMT

“If some wooden comes at you with a shank,” Ronan goes, “grab them be the wrist and twist it, then hit them at the base of the nose with the heel of yisser hand, driving upwards. Upwards – that’s it."

irishtimes.com

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'I’ve got my top off, and Réaltín’s looking at me like my old man turning his nose up at cheap steak'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 02 Feb 2024 12:00:47 GMT

So I’m shaking hands with Hugh and Marie Atcheson after our latest victory in the Leinster Padel Championships and the famous Réaltín – as in, like, my mixed doublesportner? – is just, like, glowering at me.

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‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly is not the victim. She is a highly intelligent young woman from a privileged background’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 26 Jan 2024 12:00:02 GMT

Honor pretends to sneeze, but instead of ‘achoo!’ she goes ‘fock you!’ to the prosecution barrister

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‘How could the child of a mother who puts the mental into environmental action grow up with a moral compass?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 19 Jan 2024 12:00:06 GMT

So Honor is lying on her bed, her nose stuck in her phone, presumably trolling people on social media, when I tell her that Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara is here to talk about her case.

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'She’s hord work, my new padel portner. But the girl fascinates me. She’s like a female me'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 15 Jan 2024 10:14:32 GMT

Réaltín and I have an intuitive understanding that only great lovers, or an out-half and his inside-centre, could fully understand

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‘Ross, this was my sliding doors moment. And I made the wrong choice’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 05 Jan 2024 12:00:55 GMT

Sorcha has made an alarming discovery during her annual New Year’s Day clear-out.

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‘The Leopardstown Races, eh, Ross? A great way to blow off the old cobwebs after Christmas!’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 29 Dec 2023 12:00:39 GMT

Leopardstown on Stephen Zuzz Day is a tradition for the O’Carroll-Kelly men

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Honor is like, ‘There’s no chocolate Kimberleys left,’ and that’s when I end up suddenly losing my sh*t

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 22 Dec 2023 12:00:16 GMT

It’s three days before the big day and Cornelscourt is like the Battle of the Bastards scene from Game of Thrones

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‘Oh my God, is this really all the books that we own as a family? I’m so ashamed’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 15 Dec 2023 13:53:31 GMT

Sorcha wants to make our own Christmas tree out of books this year. I think she’s been at the eggnog

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‘You need to look up the difference between mincemeat and minced meat. Merry focking Christmas’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 08 Dec 2023 12:00:34 GMT

We’re off to give my godson Ross Junior his Christmas present, but his old dear will already be in a fouler at the thought of me coming.

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‘I’ve never even cleaned up my own children’s vomit, I’m not mopping up after some randomer’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 01 Dec 2023 12:00:35 GMT

We’re doing the usual volunteering at the annual Christmas fete and this year we’ve been put on toilet-cleaning duties as a punishment

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‘Sneaking around behind my wife’s back is something I’m very, very good at, in fairness to me’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 24 Nov 2023 12:09:56 GMT

“If we do this,” she goes, “my husband can’t find out about it. Under any circumstances?”

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I wake up on Sunday morning thinking, am I having one of my famous erotic dreams?

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 17 Nov 2023 11:34:47 GMT

Or is Sorcha standing at the end of the bed, wearing the Tory Burch tennis whites she bought last summer to watch Wimbledon?

She’s like, “Are you ready?”

“Ready?” I go. “In terms of?”

Read Ross O'Carroll-Kelly at irishtimes.com/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/.

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Sorcha is like me before every Ireland squad announcement – in other words, focking delusional

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 10 Nov 2023 12:00:25 GMT

It’s the Killiney and Dalkey Combined Christmas Fete meeting, and we’re about as welcome as a snot-nosed kid in a bridal shop

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‘When I close my eyes at night, I can still see that bird’s horrible, leering face’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 03 Nov 2023 15:41:14 GMT

“Sur! Prise!” we all go.

But the old man – standing at the bottom of the stairs in Shanahan’s on the Green – barely raises a smile.

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‘Sorcha, I honestly don’t think we can just saunter in here like nothing has happened’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 27 Oct 2023 11:00:00 GMT

I’m there, “I have a bad feeling about this.”

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‘Ross, this is all your fault, you sniggering halfwit - that daughter of yours has been going wrong since the day she was born’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 27 Oct 2023 09:38:15 GMT

It’s a sad day. Everyone agrees. Not as sad – hand on hort – as Ireland losing to the All Blacks last weekend.

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‘Ross, didn’t you get a present of an All Blacks jersey once and use it to wash the cor?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 13 Oct 2023 11:00:18 GMT

So we’re in Corcoran’s on the famous Boulevord de Clichy – we’re talking me, Christian, JP, Oisinn and Fionn – and I’m telling the goys why I think we’ll beat the All Blacks on Saturday and why I think it won’t even be close? But they only want one question answered.

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‘What does being Johnny Sexton’s hype man involve exactly, Dad?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 06 Oct 2023 11:00:13 GMT

I’m there, “I’d be in Paris now if things had been different,” and when I say different, I mean if my daughter hadn’t been chorged with 277 counts of criminal damage.

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‘I’ve never seen Sorcha so upset - and given my record as a husband, that’s a genuine achievement’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 29 Sep 2023 11:00:48 GMT

I’ve never seen Sorcha so upset? And given my record as a husband, that’s a genuine achievement. She’s literally shaking with rage and whatever else is bubbling inside her, which is the reason I’m staying on the other side of the kitchen island.

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‘Dad, you need to ask yourself what do you want to be – a rugby fan or a good father?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 22 Sep 2023 16:59:48 GMT

I love a crowd. Yeah, no, that’s as true of me now as it was back in my days as the best number 10 in the history of Irish schools rugby and the goy that every girl wanted to be with. I love the feeling of people staring at me with their gobs open in just, like, wonder.

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Some things are more important than family. Rugby happens to be one of them

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Tue, 19 Sep 2023 10:46:49 GMT

So I wake up in the hotel in Nantes to find a letter on my bedside table, which turns out to be from – yeah, no – my old man?

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‘There’s no caps for your so-called matches against Mexico and, I don’t know, Guava Larva. I made the entire thing up’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 08 Sep 2023 11:00:59 GMT

The old man is as excited as I’ve seen him since the members of Elm Pork Golf Club voted to name the lateral water hazard on the 12th hole “the Chorles River”. It’s, like, Friday night – the night before Ireland play Romania in the opening match of the Rugby World Cup – and I’m sitting in The Connemora in Bordeaux, listening to him phone pretty much everyone he’s ever known in his entire life to tell them his so-called news.

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‘It turns out that every single vehicle in the Mount Anville cor pork has had its tyres done. Except one’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 01 Sep 2023 11:00:05 GMT

Sorcha is tense. Yeah, no, for her, the first day back after the school holidays is like the first day of the Six Nations for me. In other words, a matter of life and death.

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‘A chap taught me how to hot-wire a cor this morning,’ the old man goes

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 25 Aug 2023 14:30:38 GMT

The old man looks surprisingly well for a man who’s been banged up for, like, a week and a bit. I’m sitting in the visiting room when he walks in and he’s, like, deep in conversation with another, I want to say, inmate? It’s a good, like, five minutes before he saunters over to where I’m sitting...

irishtimes.com/author/ross-ocarroll-kelly/

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I’m no stranger to seeing my old man standing in the dock accused of serious crimes

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 18 Aug 2023 11:00:08 GMT

I’m no stranger to seeing my old man standing in the dock accused of serious crimes – he’s Chorles O’Carrroll-Kelly, for fock’s sake – but I never thought I’d see him in court, aged seventy-whatever-he-is, chorged with the illegal possession of a fireorm.

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Camino Royale: the final exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Thu, 17 Aug 2023 11:00:36 GMT

This is the final exclusive excerpt from Camino Royale, the new Ross O’Carroll-Kelly novel out today Thursday, August 17th.

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Camino Royale: the second exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Wed, 16 Aug 2023 11:00:19 GMT

This is the second of three exclusive excerpts from Camino Royale, the new Ross O’Carroll-Kelly novel out this Thursday, August 17th 2023.

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Camino Royale: an exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O’Carroll-Kelly book

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Tue, 15 Aug 2023 11:00:04 GMT

This is the first of three exclusive excerpts from Camino Royale, the new Ross O’Carroll Kelly novel out this Thursday, August 17th 2023.

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‘Honor, there has to be a better way of trying to save the planet than this’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 12 Aug 2023 04:00:37 GMT

Sorcha is sitting at the kitchen island with her laptop open and a pleased-with-herself smile that I recognise from the Mount Anville Class of 1998 graduation photograph on her bedside table.

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Dude, you’re not allowed to just, like, shoot seagulls

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 04 Aug 2023 11:00:03 GMT

So – yeah, no – we’re out in the old man’s boat in the middle of Dublin literally Bay, we’re talking me, the old man and Hennessy, and like the old man says, it’s just like old times.

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Father and son. From the same city. And we might as well be a donkey talking to a parrot

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 28 Jul 2023 11:00:18 GMT

So it’s, like, ten o’clock on a Friday night and Ronan’s at the front door. He goes, “How are you fixed for the Oddle Arelint football fidal on Suddendee, Rosser?”

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‘We caught the so-called SUV avenger tonight, in the actual act!’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 14 Jul 2023 11:00:00 GMT

Sorcha smiles warmly at me – an event so rare that it’s actually worth mentioning. “I’m so proud of our daughter,” she goes. “She’s turning into a wonderful young woman.”

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People like us don’t get embarrassed. That’s how we’ve ended up where we are in life

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 11:00:12 GMT

The old man rings me at, like, two o’clock in the afternoon and goes, “Ross! You’re not busy, are you?”

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‘What if the SUV Avenger turned out to be your daughter, Sorcha?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 30 Jun 2023 14:30:28 GMT

“Oh my God,” Sorcha goes, “they’ve struck again!”

I’m there, “What are you talking about? As in, like, what the fock?”

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The SUV Avenger has slashed the tyres on Sorcha’s cor

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 24 Jun 2023 07:34:44 GMT

So – yeah, no – we’re at the recycling centre with a boot full of empty cans and bottles from a recent borbecue to celebrate Sorcha’s 43rd birthday and me having nine penalty points wiped from my driving licence on appeal.

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‘Bloomsday is God’s way of telling middle class people they have too much time on their hands’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 15:00:22 GMT

I’m standing outside the famous Galloper on the Stillorgan dualler when Ronan rocks up. He’s as surprised to see me as I am to see him?

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There’s nothing like the school sports day to get the old competitive juices flowing

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 09 Jun 2023 12:00:39 GMT

I have to confess to getting a bit carried away, and I stort shouting things like, ‘Eat it up, you pack of losers!’ at the other moms and dads

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‘I want to have – oh my God – everything done?’ Honor goes. ‘My chin, my nose, my forehead, my lips’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 02 Jun 2023 16:00:48 GMT

Honor has been walking around under a bit of a cloud ever since a dude by the name of Jonah – Wesley College, before you ask – friend-zoned her.

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‘What does Patrick Kielty have that I don’t?’ asks the old dear

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 26 May 2023 17:00:56 GMT

There’s no mystery as to why they chose Kielty for the Late Late. He’s not 76 years old. His bodily organs didn’t come from a black morket doctor in Bogotá

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The old man is a focking embarrassment at rugby matches

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 20 May 2023 08:40:29 GMT

The old man is on the phone, shouting at me in his usual all-caps voice.

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The two of them are staring at me like this is the worst thing I’ve ever done. It’s not even in the top 10

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 12 May 2023 13:41:12 GMT

So we’re at a dinner in the famous Rochestown Lodge in – let’s be honest here – Sallynoggin, to raise money for the Seapoint Rugby Club U-8s Trip to Biarritz: Leave No Child Behind.

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Honor says Joshua just wants to be friends. Better than nothing I say, but I hate lying to the girl

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 05 May 2023 15:07:27 GMT

Honor goes, ‘It’s because I’m not good-looking.’ I’m there, ‘Looks aren’t important, Honor,’ and I’ve no idea where I’m pulling these lines from.

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I’m the father of a 15-year-old girl. I think, by this stage, I’ve earned the right to embarrass her?

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 28 Apr 2023 11:00:25 GMT

He’s, like, standing right in front of the gaff, staring at his phone. I throw open the front door and I’m like, “Whatever you’re selling, fock off before I call the Feds,” which would be pretty much por for the course in these ports?

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‘I’ve been polyamorous since the late 1990s’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 21 Apr 2023 08:41:28 GMT

People talk about polyamory like it’s a new thing. I’ve been polyamorous since the late 1990s. It’s just that I’ve never told my wife.

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Here we are on the roof of the house, vaping away to our horts’ content

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 14 Apr 2023 11:00:48 GMT

I know they say it’s not good for your health but my relationship with Honor has never been better

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The old dear arrives at the door, smelling like a distillery tour, asking to see her granddaughters

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Tue, 11 Apr 2023 11:51:31 GMT

She has so much filler in her face that she looks like she’s had herself embalmed to save us the trouble when she finally pops it.

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We’re a father and daughter vaping away to beat the band, properly bonding

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 31 Mar 2023 11:00:17 GMT

If everybody is doing something how bad can it be, Ross thinks, as he submits to peer pressure from his daughter and discovers vaping

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I’m 43. Andy Farrell would want to be pretty focking desperate for a 10 to pick me

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 27 Mar 2023 08:15:03 GMT

The old dear rings me and asks me to meet her for Sunday lunch in some, I don’t know, random Italian restaurant in Ranelagh.

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What a day . . . I’ll just send a quick congrats text to Johnny Sexton

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Tue, 21 Mar 2023 21:31:23 GMT

The final whistle blows and I burst into tears. The greatest day of my life? It’s definitely up there. People bang on about the birth of their children, but children let you down. This Ireland team never do?

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Girls, if Johnny Sexton was here, he’d tell you – you are never, ever beaten

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 17 Mar 2023 18:49:00 GMT

The big Castlerock College versus Newpork Comprehensive showdown has arrived

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Now I’m doing something that I never do, doubting myself

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 10 Mar 2023 12:00:13 GMT

When his ‘back me or sack me’ move backfires, Ross is left in a mild depression having lost his job as the coach of Castlerock College girls rugby team.

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I want this school to be a conveyor belt of women’s rugby talent

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 03 Mar 2023 12:00:00 GMT

The Rossmeister General finds out about the ‘deleterious effect’ rugby is having on academic and behavioural standards among girls at school

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I’ve ended up on a poster for adult incontinence treatment on a gable wall in, like, Ranelagh

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 24 Feb 2023 17:14:48 GMT

Only the crookedest lawyer in Ireland can get me out of this contract I accidentally signed with a modelling agency

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I’m getting the tattoo of J-Lowe, a late 40th birthday present to myself

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 17 Feb 2023 12:00:52 GMT

It’s, like, Monday morning and I’ve taken the boys for a haircut – or, to be more, I don’t know, pacific, I’ve dumped them in the borber’s while me and Honor are sitting in the coffee shop next door.

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One day, there’s going to be a Leinster Schools Senior Cup… for girls!

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 10 Feb 2023 13:00:02 GMT

So – yeah, no – the girls have been working unbelievably hord in training, which is why I’ve arranged a little surprise for them. I tell them to meet me in the school cor pork, where the bus is already waiting with the engine idling.

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I’m surrounded by people who keep me grounded. I wish they’d focking stop

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 03 Feb 2023 11:42:02 GMT

“Oh my God,” Honor goes, “you’re not actually wearing that, are you?”

And by that she means my black, Canterbury elite protection body ormour vest.

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Sixmas is what I call the Six Nations Championship – the most wonderful time of the year

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 30 Jan 2023 11:25:32 GMT

I go, “Twas the week before Sixmas, and all through the class, nothing was stirring, not even a mouse!”

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Would I have to take my top off for any of these jobs? That wouldn’t be an issue for me

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 Jan 2023 13:06:06 GMT

So – yeah, no – I’m in Cinnamon in Monkstown, getting all excited about Sixmas, which is only, like, two weeks away now. I’m writing out my storting 15 for the match against Wales into the famous Big Book when I notice a woman staring at me over the top of her Watermelon Shhuga.

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If women’s rugby is ever going to be treated seriously, they’ll have to embrace the whole obnoxiousness thing

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 13 Jan 2023 13:00:52 GMT

They stagger out onto the pitch in two or three different huddles, their orms folded against the cold of a horrible January morning.

I’m there, “Welcome back, ladies! Hope you had a good Christmas!” and they’re all, like, hating on me for my – yeah, no – cheeriness?

With any subscription you'll get unlimited access to the very best in unique quality journalism from The Irish Times. Subscribe today.

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I silently curse myself for giving St Michael’s College credit that they don’t deserve

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 06 Jan 2023 15:46:49 GMT

No less a judge than the great Jerry Flannery once described me as “one of Ireland’s greatest thinkers” – and even though it was in the course of a Charity Roast in the Sin Bin in Limerick, I think his point still stands...

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‘You put the focking Quality Street, the focking Roses and the focking Celebrations in the same bowl!’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 23 Dec 2022 12:00:10 GMT

The old dear is drinking a Baileys with her dental plate out and I don’t think I’ll ever have another amorous thought in my life. The old man raises his brandy glass to me and goes, “Merry Christmas, Ross.”

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'I’m having a slash when in walks Santa, and all my Christmases come at once'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 16 Dec 2022 12:20:00 GMT

So I’m standing at the trough in The Queens in Dalkey, having a much-needed slash, when I hear a voice beside me go, “Is that the famous Ross O’Carroll-Kelly I see?”

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It’s the Castlerock College mince pie-eating contest, and Leo is stepping up to the plate

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 09 Dec 2022 12:00:45 GMT

The Castlerock College Christmas Fete has always been a massive event in the O’Carroll-Kelly social calendar.

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‘I’m not having a Terenure College Christmas tree in the house’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 02 Dec 2022 12:00:00 GMT

“Corlow?” Sorcha goes – clearly worried about me. “Why on earth do you want to drive all the way Corlow for a Christmas tree when we can buy one three minutes up the road in Terenure College?”

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'Honor isn’t for everyone. She takes after her old man in that regord'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 25 Nov 2022 12:00:00 GMT

Hey, as I always say, it’s better to be someone’s shot of tequila than everyone’s cup of tea.

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The neighbours have visions of the Vico Road turning into Morbella

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 18 Nov 2022 12:00:10 GMT

So – yeah, no – I’m in, like, the gorden, throwing the old Gilbert around with Brian, Johnny and Leo, except we can’t complete three passes without one of us dropping the ball and I’m wondering does it have anything to do with us living in Terenure now – as in, the general sense of failure that hangs over the place has somehow seeped into my children’s bones like arthritis.

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‘Schoolbooks shmoolbooks ... I didn’t do a tap at school and look at me’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 12:00:06 GMT

The school concert hall is absolutely rammers and the walls are pretty much vibrating with the sound of people being – as we say on this side of the city – up in orms.

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‘Newpork is famous for kids with pierced lips...They don’t even care about rugby’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Tue, 08 Nov 2022 09:31:21 GMT

Anyone who follows the Letters to the Editor page in this newspaper will be aware of my old man’s thoughts on the subject of girls slash women playing rugby.

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'It’s Halloween week and we’re living in a house that’s, like, haunted – literally'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 28 Oct 2022 11:00:25 GMT

I end up pretty much not sleeping for, like, five nights straight. And I know Honor is exactly the same. I’m there, “Can you just explain to me again what you saw and heard — illegibly.” “There’s no illegibly about it,” Sorcha goes. “I saw the ghost of an old man.”

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'I’ve been shocked by the change that has come over my daughter since we moved to Terenure'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 21 Oct 2022 11:00:00 GMT

She’s quiet, cranky and liable to explode in a rage at the least provocation. Mind you, she’s been like that since she emerged from her old dear’s womb with her two middle fingers raised to the world. It’s just that for the first time ever, she seems without – I don’t know – hope.

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'Already I feel like I’ve created a team in my image – in other words, winners'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 13:20:00 GMT

“Ross O’Carroll-Kelly!” a voice behind me goes. “It is you, isn’t it?”

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'I’m a big believer in overpraising my children. Never did me any horm as a kid'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 07 Oct 2022 14:00:24 GMT

Sorcha is unpacking her collection of Lladro figurines from a cordboard box. She says she’s worried about Honor.

I’m like, “Honor? In terms of what specifically?”

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'Honor storts screaming at the top of her lungs. But no one hears her. Because mine are louder'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 30 Sep 2022 11:00:57 GMT

So I’m in, like, Dundrum Town Centre with Honor and we’re racing for the lift slash elevator before the doors close. There’s, like, eight or nine people in there and they all do that thing that I always do when I’m in a lift slash elevator and someone is rushing for it. They all pretend they can’t see us, while one of them — some random old dude? — makes a movement like he’s looking for the hold doors button but he does it in, like, slow motion.

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'Ronan is a – what’s the word – Republican? As in, he’s got the names of the whole crew from 1915 tattooed on his upper orm'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 23 Sep 2022 11:00:16 GMT

Claire from Bray of all places says the miniature Scotch eggs are – oh my God – divine? Sorcha says the secret is to fold some Worcestershire sauce and Tabasco into the pork mince before deep-frying the things in 100 per cent corn oil.

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'The girls are staring at me in just, like, awe – they’re ready to learn from the master'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 16 Sep 2022 11:00:56 GMT

I’m like, “Okay, listen up, everyone,” spinning a rugby ball in my hands and – to be honest? – loving the way my voice sounds right now.

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‘Just because I’m a serial liar doesn’t mean that I can’t be trusted’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 09 Sep 2022 11:00:22 GMT

Lauren — as in, like, my best friend Christian’s wife? — has never been my number one fan. There are many reasons for that. For storters, she wouldn’t be what I would call a rugby person?

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‘How much would it mean to the girls storting school here to have the legendary Ross O’Carroll-Kelly teaching them rugby?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 02 Sep 2022 14:00:00 GMT

It’s, like, the first day of the school year and we’re standing outside the gates of Castlerock College. Although it would be more accurate to say that we’re blocking the gates — yeah, no, in protest at the school’s decision to go co-ed. There’s, like, 40 or 50 old forts involved — mostly mates of my old man’s — and they’re in their literally element.

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‘Sorcha Lalor, you were the best Dalkey Lobster Festival Queen we ever had’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 26 Aug 2022 11:00:00 GMT

There are – I think we’d all agree? – some great events in the South Dublin social calendar. There’s, like, the Dublin Horse Show. There’s the arrival of Santa Claus in a twin-engine Sikorsky on the roof of Dundrum Town Centre each December. And there’s obviously Bloomsday – or, as I call it, Halloween for wankers.

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I’m lying by the pool, doing my daily sit-ups with my top off, when I hear Honor go, ‘Oh, for fock’s sake! Not these two focking clowns!

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 19 Aug 2022 11:00:32 GMT

The weather in — yeah, no — Portugal has been so good that Sorcha has been suffering the big-time guilts over the future of what she calls our planet? But on Tuesday everything changed when a severe depression suddenly blew in from the west — in other words, her old pair came to visit.

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‘Pissing in a swimming pool is a bit like farting at Mass. The trick is to squeeze it out quietly’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 13 Aug 2022 09:21:06 GMT

It’s a cracking day in Quinta do Lago — but then aren’t they all? I’m having my first piña colada of the morning because I drank way too much last night and I’m feeling like dogshit that’s been stepped in twice.

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What are the girls in Mount Anville going to say when they find out you’re living in a housing estate?

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 06 Aug 2022 12:43:56 GMT

A well-appointed property,” Sorcha goes, reading from the bumf, “set in the hort of one of South Dublin’s most sagacious suburbs. Oh my God, I love that word. It sounds amazing, doesn’t it, Ross?

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I look fantastic for a man of 42, abs like speed bumps and pecs like bay windows

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 29 Jul 2022 11:00:15 GMT

So – yeah, no – I’m in the gym in Riverview, trying to get myself beach body-ready for Quints in the middle of August. Today is orms day and I’m sitting on a Swiss ball in front of a long mirror, with a 6kg dumbbell in either hand, thinking how fantastic I look for a man of, like, 42, with abs like speed bumps and pecs like bay windows.

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‘No focking way. I’m not breaking into the dude’s office’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 22 Jul 2022 13:00:00 GMT

The old man has a Cohiba the size of a Wavin pipe wedged between his teeth and I end up having to open the window so I don’t die of smoke inhalation.

“The fock are we even doing here?” I go.

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‘I wonder sometimes are these kids definitely mine’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 15 Jul 2022 11:00:33 GMT

Ireland are playing the All Blacks but Sorcha has planned a family weekend to Center Parcs.

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Our daughter is completely devoid of human feeling

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 08 Jul 2022 11:00:28 GMT

It’s here — as in, like, the big day? Honor has reached the final of the Joshua Pim Shield and it’s the most excitement Glenageary has seen since Google accidentally called it Glasthule in the course of mapping the area and 14 per cent was wiped off local property values overnight.

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Noah is graduating from creche. (Who the fock is Noah?)

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 01 Jul 2022 11:53:33 GMT

Sorcha asks me if I’m ready and I tell her – yeah, no – I think so? I’ve got my Rugby Tactics Book on the coffee table, twenty-four sticks of Heinemite in the fridge and I’ve aired out my Cantos with the loose elastic in which I do all of my best thinking.

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Sometimes you have to break the Mount Anville code

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 24 Jun 2022 11:38:33 GMT

“Daddy long-legs,” Leo goes, pointing at quite literally nothing. “It’s a focking daddy long-legs.”

I’m like, “For the fifteenth time, Leo, it’s not a daddy long-legs. It’s a crack in your glasses from when Johnny hit you across the face with the griddle pan.”

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‘You didn’t think I was going to sit back and watch you allow girls into this school, did you?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 17 Jun 2022 11:00:00 GMT

“Ross,” Fionn tries to go, “you can’t keep turning up at the school like this.”

And I’m like, “Who says so?” sitting down opposite him and throwing the old Dubey Dubey Doos up on his desk.

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‘I love Honor’s attitude. Not everyone does, but I’d be a major, major fan’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 10 Jun 2022 11:00:00 GMT

“Oh my God, that’s her!” Honor goes.

Her being Corina Brien, her opponent in the first round of the Joshua Pim Shield in Glenageary Lawn Tennis Club.

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Sorcha is still serious about knocking gaff and turning it into aportments

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 04 Jun 2022 10:17:37 GMT

Sorcha has ordered a skip. Yeah, no, that might not be big news where you live – but on Vico Road, Killiney, it’s, like, massive? Because it’s evidence that you’re up to something. And around here, there’s very little that escapes the attention of the local residents’ association, especially with their hourly drone flyovers looking for evidence of illegal building activity in the area.

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"Three triplets and only one can be a mascot for Leinster. Who will it be?"

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 27 May 2022 13:08:30 GMT

So I’ve brought Brian, Johnny and Leo to Morseille – yeah, no, the one in France – for their very first European Cup final. It’s, like, 24 hours before kick-off – or kick-orse, as I call it – and the excitement is already storting to build?

https://www.irishtimes.com/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/

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‘We want to build a block of aportments... affordable ones’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 May 2022 11:00:42 GMT

There’s a familiar face in the kitchen, although I’m struggling to put a name to it. “Ross,” Sorcha goes, “you remember Foraoise Farrell, don’t you? Holy Child Killiney?”

And that’s when the penny suddenly drops. Yeah, no, I was in UCD with her brother, Conor. We did the old Sportsman Dip course together – although the only sport we actually played, if I’m being honest, was pool while pissed.

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‘There are millions of people who would give their right orm to live in Killiney’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 13 May 2022 11:00:00 GMT

“What do you think?” Sorcha goes. Yeah, no, she’s trying to choose an outfit for the annual Vico Road and Vico Road-Adjacent Residents’ Association stort-of-summer borbecue and she’s been at it since nine o’clock this morning.

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Women’s toilets? I mean, what’s next? A hockey pitch?

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 06 May 2022 13:38:05 GMT

So it’s, like, Day Whatever-it-is and my period of isolation is finally over. I’m about to ring the goys to see if anyone fancies hitting The Bridge for a few bank holiday scoops when all of a sudden my phone rings and it ends up being dick features himself.

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‘My antigen is still positive, but I’ve never felt better’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 29 Apr 2022 10:47:01 GMT

According to my latest antigen test, I’m still positive, but – the most random thing – I’ve never felt better in my life, either physically or whatever other ways there are.

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‘I will never forgive your old pair for treating us to this trip’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 23 Apr 2022 03:00:18 GMT

"I’m not going to lie to you, I’ve been dreading this week since Christmas.

And not dreading it in the same way that you dread, I don’t know, root canal surgery, or an NCT.

I mean dreading it like you dread your own death, if that’s not putting it too strongly?"

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‘You focking idiot, Ross! Chocolate is poisonous to dogs’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 16 Apr 2022 06:57:26 GMT

Christian’s wife, Lauren, has never been a fan of the Rossmeister General. I don’t mind. I think it was me who first said I’d rather be someone’s shot of tequila than everyone’s cup of tea...

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‘Fifteen rooms is a lot to put down.’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 11 Apr 2022 14:39:22 GMT

‘Most of them are empty and there’s, like, a homelessness crisis? I’m going to put six rooms’

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‘Girls learn differently to boys – and when I say differently, I mean slowly and not as well’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 02 Apr 2022 03:00:52 GMT

Charles O’Carroll-Kelly goes on Drivetime to talk about Castlerock College going co-ed

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‘A co-educational school has never won the Leinster Schools Senior Cup!’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 26 Mar 2022 04:00:03 GMT

How can Ross convince the goys that Castlerock should never let in girls?

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'Do you mean there’s going to be, like, girls going to Castlerock?'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 19 Mar 2022 04:00:30 GMT

Fionn’s changed since he landed the top job at our old alma mater

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'It’s off to Budapest for Dr Holger Esterházy’s miracle hair restoration treatment'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 12 Mar 2022 04:00:51 GMT

There’s goys from Michael’s, Belvedere, Gonzaga and Blackrock all mixing with each other like there’s no actual difference between them

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‘You lifted the Leinster Schools Senior Cup – does that mean nothing to you now’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 04 Mar 2022 18:04:06 GMT

A tap on the shoulder while getting in a quick pint at the bor in Dublin Airport

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‘Fifty grandingtons!’ – that’s the cost of the Budapest hair clinic

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 25 Feb 2022 14:41:59 GMT

Fifty grandingtons. That’s what this crowd in, like, Budapest want to share the secret of Dr Holger Esterházy’s hair restoration miracle with me. I tell Winker Raymond – who did the Sportsman Dip course with me in UCD – that it seems a bit on the, I don’t know, steep side? But he reminds me that a year ago he had a head like a plucked scrotum and his confidence was on the floor – and now he’s dating a woman who’s, like, 26.

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'Just because we have money, we can't keep Killiney all to ourselves'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 18 Feb 2022 12:00:00 GMT

Sorcha is quiet this morning. I honestly haven’t seen her this distracted since she got a girl sacked for plucking her eyebrows in a way that made her face look – her word – quizzical? And she keeps asking the same question that she asked that day: “Am I, like, a bad person?”

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Rezoning Dalkey for affordable housing? The natives are up in orms

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 11 Feb 2022 12:00:33 GMT

Sorcha calls the Emergency General Meeting of the Vico Road and Vico Road-Adjacent Residents’ Association to order.

“I realise that there’s a great deal of concern in this room,” she goes – this room being our living room, by the way? – “but it would be helpful to me, as the chair, if we could hear from just one person at a time?”

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‘I feel like my old man – the pub bore, shouting opinions into the air while everyone zones out’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 04 Feb 2022 13:58:53 GMT

It’s the night before Sixmas and I’m sitting in The Bridge 1859, sharing with the goys the gift of my pre-tournament analysis. I’m telling them that I think Ireland are now the best passers of the ball in world rugby – and I’m including the All Blacks in that – but the most random thing is happening as in, they’re not hanging off my every word like they usually are?

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‘When I say it’s oaber, Rosser, Ine thalken about me and Hodor’s business. It’s boddixed’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 28 Jan 2022 12:00:33 GMT

Ronan’s there, ‘I sted at the roulette table too long – stordee of me life’

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‘Like a great many politicians, I have a public position, as well as a private position’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 22 Jan 2022 04:00:20 GMT

Chorles may miss his first Six Nations championship match in almost seventy years

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‘This is killing me, Sorcha. I feel about as useful as a focking Orts degree’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 14 Jan 2022 11:22:16 GMT

“God, I’m bored,” I go. “How far into this whole self-isolation thing are we now?”

Sorcha’s there, “We’re halfway-”

I’m like, “Halfway?”

She goes, “-halfway through day two.”

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‘Andrea Shotton called me maskier than thou,’ Sorcha goes

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 07 Jan 2022 16:40:14 GMT

Sorcha says we dodged it.

And I’m like, “What are you banging on about?”

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‘Oh, please, God, no. I can’t become a father again at, like, 42’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 31 Dec 2021 15:20:43 GMT

“I think I’ve finally figured it out,” I go – and, yeah, no, I’m talking about the latest restrictions. “If I set the alorm for, like, 2am and give the kids their breakfast, that’ll mean we can move lunchtime back to, say, 8am, which will mean that I’ll have my stomach properly lined when I stort drinking at 10am."

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‘It’s such a good present I actually wanted to smash it to pieces – just purely out of spite’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 24 Dec 2021 01:00:27 GMT

Ross makes Sorcha a doubly special Christmas gift.

Thanks to everyone who listened to the podcast in 2021. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

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Sorcha injures her foot, while Honor makes a shocking discovery

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 18 Dec 2021 04:00:40 GMT

There’s no doubt that Honor takes after her old man in terms of never being afraid to call it.

“Why is Dad allowed to get shitfaced with his friends,” she goes, “and my brothers aren’t allowed to put on the story of the birth of Jesus?”

I’m like, “Er, I thought you were, like, an atheist?”

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The Christmas cards are out, but a problem arises

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 10 Dec 2021 11:52:50 GMT

“Oh my God,” Sorcha goes, “we are so on top of Christmas this year!”

I’m there, “In terms of?”

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‘If you have to hide a cash incentive inside a food, it’s almost certainly not worth eating’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 03 Dec 2021 09:59:30 GMT

Sorcha has pushed the boat out in a major way here. She’s having – get this – a Christmas mother and daughter day with her old dear and Honor and she’s gone about it in her usual try-too-hord way.

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'Johnny goes, "My daddy says we’re going to eat a reindeer"'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 26 Nov 2021 14:28:26 GMT

“Boys and girl,” the air hostess goes, “we have arrived in Rovaniemi, Lapland – home of Santa Claus!”

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Of course Santa exists – who do you think drinks all the Heineken?

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 19 Nov 2021 12:13:25 GMT

Sorcha ends up saying the most unbelievable thing when the boys ask if Santa is real

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‘I lead the boys at gunpoint up the Shelbourne Road’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 13 Nov 2021 08:37:26 GMT

It’s a big day for Johnny Sexton. And it’s a big day for me as well. I’m – yeah know – bringing the boys to see the great man win his 100th cap against Japan at the Aviva, and I decide to swing into Christian’s gaff on the way there just to use the old Josh Ritter.

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‘I can lie – very easily – but not when it comes to rugby’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 05 Nov 2021 12:05:48 GMT

An encounter at rugby training sees Ross making an unexpected connection.

From The Irish Times, this is Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's weekly audio column, as read by Paul Howard.

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‘They talk about the Collison brothers, but those chaps have got nothing on you, Honor’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 29 Oct 2021 10:15:49 GMT

The famous Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara says he hasn’t been this excited about a business idea since we built all those houses on a floodplain in west Dublin in the 1970s...

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‘You are not giving me a combover’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 22 Oct 2021 12:39:24 GMT

Blinky the borbor in Monkstown suggests a Jude Law or a Matt Damon

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Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘I can’t go bald. I’m 41 – but I’m, like, a young 41?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 15 Oct 2021 13:00:29 GMT

The latest dispatch from Ross O'Carroll Kelly, as read by Paul Howard.

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'My children are storting to grow on me'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 08 Oct 2021 15:35:57 GMT

'Since they storted school at Willow Pork, it’s been rugby, rugby, rugby, with no mention of soccer'

From The Irish Times, this is Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's weekly audio column, read by Paul Howard.

irishtimes.com

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‘He has a dreamcatcher tattoo on the back of his wrist. It’s like he does these things deliberately to make me hate him’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 01 Oct 2021 09:32:27 GMT

Hennessy pulls out the big guns to help settle a case of caravan arson

From The Irish Times, this is Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's weekly audio column, read by Paul Howard.

irishtimes.com

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"I’m having Vietnam-style flashbacks here"

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 24 Sep 2021 14:53:14 GMT

Mad as it sounds, sometimes it’s easier to tell the girl the truth. I’m like, ‘Honor burned down the caravan, Sorcha’

From The Irish Times, this is Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's weekly audio column, read by Paul Howard.

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"Sorcha did Fake Sincerity as an extracurricular subject in Mount Anville"

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 18 Sep 2021 04:00:02 GMT

Sorcha samples kalettes and deactivated pecans as Ross gets accused of arson

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"First day in Willow Pork for the triplets – the absolute shame of it"

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 11 Sep 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The cor pork is full of BMW X5s, or, for older moms putting the last of the dynasty through the school, Volvo XC90s.

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"My fingers are actually shaking as I type my exam number into the laptop"

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 04 Sep 2021 04:00:00 GMT

The Leaving Cert results are about to go online and Ross's family are gathered around the kitchen island to find out how he's done.

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‘I genuinely don’t think I’m ready to be a Blackrock dad’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 27 Aug 2021 16:00:00 GMT

Willow Pork is the only school to take the triplets, they’ve been on Joe Duffy too many times

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"Honor says she’s not getting the Covid vaccine"

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 Aug 2021 17:18:30 GMT

Sorcha’s family conference to discuss registration for teenagers doesn’t quite go to plan

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"You don't seem angry, like a lot of people who are into the Irish language" - Normal Sheeple excerpt #4

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Thu, 19 Aug 2021 03:00:00 GMT

Ross goes on a date with Marianne the Irish teacher, beginning with Mass.

This is the final of four excerpts from the latest Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book Normal Sheeple - out now.

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"It's a ball, but not an ordinary-shaped ball. This one is, like, round" - Normal Sheeple excerpt #3

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Wed, 18 Aug 2021 08:11:45 GMT

On holidays in Kerry, Ross has a chance encounter with some locals and tries his hand at Gaelic football. The third of four exclusive excerpts from the new Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book Normal Sheeple. Normal Sheeple is out now.

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"Out of the hundred or so people seated for dinner, I'm the only one wearing a Leinster jersey" - Normal Sheeple excerpt #2

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Tue, 17 Aug 2021 08:02:02 GMT

This week we're bringing you four exclusive excerpts from the latest Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book, Normal Sheeple, which is released on Wednesday 18th August.

Today: Ross and Sorcha attend a dinner in honour of President Putin, who makes an unusual request.

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"Everyone's clapping as Sorcha steers Samantha Power to the front row" - Normal Sheeple excerpt #1

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 16 Aug 2021 06:45:11 GMT

This week we're bringing you four exclusive excerpts from the latest Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book, Normal Sheeple, which is released on Wednesday 18th August.

Today: Sorcha takes control of Samantha Power's visit to her alma-mater Mount Anville.

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‘His wife moves the cursor on his work laptop every five minutes, so it doesn’t go into sleep mode’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 07 Aug 2021 07:54:31 GMT

Toni Loscher next door is power-washing the wooden patio again.

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‘I want you to, like, Insta-story my Covid test journey’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 30 Jul 2021 11:25:41 GMT

Sorcha and her ‘symptoms’ want me to tag along for her PCR test

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'Are you suggesting I pretend to have Covid?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 23 Jul 2021 12:44:57 GMT

I end up lying on her behalf to get her out of an unwanted visit to – oh my God – Lusk

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‘Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara taught me how to drink a Mortini in three mouthfuls’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 17 Jul 2021 07:52:20 GMT

Ross’ father is determined to make sure a birthday party takes place indoors in the Horseshoe Bar

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‘Ronan showed me how to light a fire and make it look like an accident’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 09 Jul 2021 17:00:32 GMT

Ross can’t face a week in a mobile home with Garret and Claire, but Honor has a plan

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‘I’d rather rip out my molars with a pliers than holiday in Ireland again’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 02 Jul 2021 15:13:46 GMT

‘So what’s there to see in Ballycanew?’ ‘A Daybreak and a Londis’

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‘You’ve massively disimproved with age ... The big, fat rugby head on you’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 26 Jun 2021 08:01:09 GMT

I'm looking at the other 41-year-old men and I’m thinking how well I look by comparison

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‘I’ll throw on my nudey lady borbecue apron’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 18 Jun 2021 13:52:16 GMT

Sorcha panics during a gathering of friends but Ross is on hand to help

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I’m like Cersei Lannister – refusing to leave the throne

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 11 Jun 2021 14:46:02 GMT

It’s the first day of the Leaving Cert and my hands are shaking like the old dear’s when I hide the corkscrews

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‘There wasn’t even a turn-down service, Judge. I’ll be having flashbacks for as long as I live’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 28 May 2021 21:08:57 GMT

‘I’d rather spend next 12 months in prison than endure one more night in a limited services hotel’

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‘Rugby banter is taking a dump in someone’s shoes’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 21 May 2021 21:48:26 GMT

Ross is pressured into chopping off Christian’s top knot in the name of ‘rugby banter’

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‘Rugby is not pass the porcel, Morcus’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 14 May 2021 12:16:30 GMT

Rugby training is back and Brian, Johnny and Leo are in a loser pod

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'Then she says it – the words all south Dublin parents dread'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 07 May 2021 23:21:29 GMT

Honor gets frank with Ross after he fails to see the painful truth about his boys’ rugby abilities

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‘They brought a corvery dinner to my room!’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 30 Apr 2021 08:50:07 GMT

‘Who in the name of God eats four types of potato with their dinner?’

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‘We’re looking for Fionnuala O’Carroll-Kelly. She absconded from quarantine this morning’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 23 Apr 2021 19:00:21 GMT

Ross's parents continue to play by their own rules when it comes to lockdown.

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'I just assumed quarantine wouldn’t affect people like us'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 17 Apr 2021 00:00:19 GMT

Ross's mother finds herself in mandatory hotel quarantine.

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‘Get in before they change their minds and haul your orse back to jail’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 09 Apr 2021 16:46:27 GMT

Ross collects his unrepentant anti-lockdown dad from Mountjoy.

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My opening line in the Irish oral was ‘Bonjour’. I never really recovered after that

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 02 Apr 2021 10:00:40 GMT

Honor devises a strategy for Ross as he attempts the exam for the second time

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‘The judge tells us – in, like, legal language – to shut the fock up’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 26 Mar 2021 20:35:42 GMT

The old man tells the court he broke lockdown and refuses ‘to live under your mortial law!’

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‘We’re not a priority for the vaccine.’ ‘Even though we’re rich?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 20 Mar 2021 04:00:30 GMT

Honor learns money can't buy everything as Ross and Sorcha purge their friend lists

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‘I urge you all – standing here, in the People’s Pork – to remove your masks!’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 12 Mar 2021 12:11:50 GMT

It’s a mask-off in Dún Laoghaire as the old man leads an anti-lockdown march

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‘Netflix is port of the conspiracy! A form of methadone’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 05 Mar 2021 19:23:44 GMT

Just google George Soros Molesworth Street and it’s all there! We have all been had...

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‘We can’t just dump all our rubbish in the front gorden, Sorcha'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 26 Feb 2021 18:13:15 GMT

'Every single room in this house is haunted by the guilt of my failure’

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"Wuthering Heights is basically the story of my life"

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 19 Feb 2021 12:42:50 GMT

Ross likens his life to Heathcliff’s – especially when it comes to women

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'After a year of being locked up together, we are sick and tired of the sight of each other’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 12 Feb 2021 08:55:11 GMT

‘You asked me the other night was I breathing louder than usual?’

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‘Have you seen the chemtrails over Foxrock this morning?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 05 Feb 2021 15:59:49 GMT

Sorcha loses it with Ross’s dad on Zoom when he discusses conspiracy theories

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‘I know every mork on the floor, the walls and the ceiling of this bor’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 29 Jan 2021 15:36:48 GMT

Every – I don’t know – significant thing that ever happened in my life has some association with Kielys of Donnybrook

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‘75? What on earth makes you think I’m 75?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 22 Jan 2021 23:21:19 GMT

‘They’re using the vaccine to force people to say they’re over 70 when they’d pass for 50’

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‘Honor has been, like, homeschooling me’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 15 Jan 2021 12:34:54 GMT

I’ve never passed an exam in my entire life. I’m still driving on a provisional

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‘The pressure of being the cool parent ends up being too much’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 08 Jan 2021 12:00:10 GMT

I stand up on a chair and I take down the three guns...

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‘Do Dry January? That’s crazy talk’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 01 Jan 2021 12:00:04 GMT

No booze, swearing or sweets – Sorcha has new year’s resolutions for all the family

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‘I want a Christmas that Tony Holohan would approve of’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 18 Dec 2020 14:50:13 GMT

Sorcha is determined to stage a Christmas Day gathering that complies with safety guidelines

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‘How much moo are we talking – for, like, midnight Mass in, say, Foxrock?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 11 Dec 2020 15:53:00 GMT

Ronan is making a mint from black market Mass tickets until three wise men arrive

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‘One of your Three Wise Men stuck his middle finger up at me’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 04 Dec 2020 13:00:45 GMT

All of a sudden I’ve got a woman asking me if I find food intolerances funny..

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The kitchen smells of rum. Either my old dear is over or Sorcha’s baking a Christmas cake

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 27 Nov 2020 18:29:10 GMT

Storting Christmas early could be good for our mental health...

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‘I’ve storted a rumour Matt Damon wants to build a house on Coliemore road’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 Nov 2020 19:58:27 GMT

I just want him to see what people from Dalkey are really like.

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‘Honor was walking around with the blond wig and Make America Great Again sweatshirt’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 13 Nov 2020 15:25:00 GMT

‘It’s like The West Wing when Jed Bortlet had to step down and John Goodman became president’

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‘Where is Flavian Way, anyway? It actually sounds more Glenageary than Dalkey?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 13:25:04 GMT

There’s no trick-or-treating this Halloween, but the trolls seem to be out in force.

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‘You can’t end a relationship with someone by climbing out the window’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 07 Nov 2020 08:58:38 GMT

I’m not 100% keen on Honor driving, mainly because she’s 14, has no licence, tax or insurance

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I can hear the old dear’s hysterical voice going, ‘Better men than you have eaten my one-pot stews!’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 23 Oct 2020 16:40:43 GMT

As Sorcha said, I shouldn’t have been throwing the old Gilbert around at her Ulysses fancy dress porty...

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‘Johnny actual Sexton is at the front door’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 16 Oct 2020 15:14:03 GMT

I throw back the duvet, hop out of bed and step into my chinos, all in one fluid movement

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‘Ross,’ the old man goes, ‘I’m afraid I’ve made a dreadful mistake!’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 09 Oct 2020 13:20:42 GMT

Sounds like Sorcha’s old dear is driving the old man cuckoo in their Brittas Bay love nest

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‘Oh, right – you’re one of these maskier-than-thou people’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 02 Oct 2020 21:52:39 GMT

Talking to strangers on the doorstep is dangerous. Who knows what I might catch?

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‘I’ve never been much of a conversationalist, but I’m on fire with this woman’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 26 Sep 2020 07:55:55 GMT

It storted with the shooting-of-the-s**t that goes with a doorstep package handover

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‘They want us to vacate this place so they can use it as a love shack?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 18 Sep 2020 10:36:31 GMT

Sorcha’s old dear and my old man are supposed to be moving into the Lalors’ holiday home in Brittas Bay, except three dudes – studenty types – have been refusing to leave.

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‘I wouldn’t expect an animal to live in that place. And, besides, it’s rented out at the moment’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 11 Sep 2020 18:51:50 GMT

The old pair are a bad influence on Honor so the plan was to move them out...

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I’ve seen her drink turpentine and still be sober enough for nine holes in Foxrock

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 04 Sep 2020 12:04:58 GMT

It looks like she’s a cranky drunk – in that way, she does take after her grandmother

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This is still the Vico Road. Pandemic or no pandemic

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 28 Aug 2020 11:12:07 GMT

There are landmork moments in our children’s lives. First day of school. First time you hold their hair back so they can vomit a naggin of vodka

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Your old dear is no scene-stealer... she has sticky-out ears and legs like the William Dorgan Bridge

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 21 Aug 2020 13:23:06 GMT

‘Your dad is the leader of a political porty that believes women should have to re-sit their driving test every six months to prove their competency to drive’

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‘I’m going to ask you something,’ Sorcha goes, ‘Have you two been sleeping together?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 14 Aug 2020 21:12:02 GMT

‘I suspected there was something going on. I have a sixth sense for this’

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‘We could be in DeVille’s among people who get where we’re coming from. Literally the Vico Road’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 07 Aug 2020 09:22:15 GMT

The sensible thing to do is to accept defeat early and try to get back on the road before the traffic gets bad

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We’re not American. This is how people from south Dublin talk?

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 31 Jul 2020 11:13:30 GMT

The Dingle restaurant owner thinks Ross’s family are from the US – and things get ugly.

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‘I know none of us should be travelling - but Fock it’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 24 Jul 2020 08:37:25 GMT

‘Quinta do Farranfore? I’ve never heard of it’

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‘We’ll be eating soup in Drizzle Mór while everyone else is sipping pina coladas’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 18 Jul 2020 08:45:36 GMT

Posting a Fáilte Ireland pic on Instagram doesn’t mean you’re actually on a staycation

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‘You see, the 50-person limit has made Mass tickets a hot commodity’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 11 Jul 2020 06:55:39 GMT

It seems young Ronan is doing a line in black morket tickets for Masses and church services

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‘That’ll teach him to challenge the Rossmeister to a mickey-swinging contest’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 03 Jul 2020 16:01:46 GMT

Time to put Christian in his place – after all, it’s what best friends are for

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‘I’m the same as you. I hate it when other people are good at stuff that I’m not good at’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 26 Jun 2020 17:27:15 GMT

Honor plots revenge for Ross after his rugby chat gets hijacked

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‘We give our children everything they ask for, if that makes us bad parents – guilty as chorged’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 19 Jun 2020 07:34:12 GMT

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: I’m not sure we’re the kind of family who likes fun

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She saw a goy in a white coat and shouted, ‘Hero!’ And he was like, ‘Er, I work in Kiehl’s’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 12 Jun 2020 22:22:28 GMT

Honor restorts the economy while Sorcha’s Zoom call proves fatal to Ro’s alibi

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‘We’re having a fancy dress porty and I’m going as the wife of a philanderer’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 05 Jun 2020 19:18:12 GMT

Despite Sorcha’s warning, Ross may have just made a bad situation worse

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‘Adultery is like getting a dent in a new cor. Once you’ve done it once, it gets easier’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 29 May 2020 10:35:01 GMT

Rueful Ross realises the old man may have amorous notions when he spots that missing Greg Norman hat.

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‘It’s a shame it took a global pandemic to get Ross to keep it in his trousers’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 22 May 2020 14:05:55 GMT

'You’re lucky my orms don’t stretch two metres – because I would deck you for that'

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‘Dad, you can shove your offer. I’m going to sit the Leaving Cert’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 15 May 2020 12:34:08 GMT

The Rossmeister prepares for a third crack at the exams with Honor’s home-schooling.

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‘I’ve been booking supermorket delivery slots weeks in advance. Then selling them for €70 each’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Tue, 12 May 2020 08:37:21 GMT

Welcome to the horsh realities of the free morket, Honor goes

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‘Ross, how would you like to make love to a woman with grey hair?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 02 May 2020 07:23:06 GMT

After weeks in lockdown Sorcha’s roots are showing...

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‘Sorcha has an – I think it’s a word – alterior motive for the Zoom call’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 24 Apr 2020 08:45:06 GMT

Sorcha is working on her best self and getting the old man and old dear talking again

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Joe Wicks goes, ‘That’s our warm-up completed.’ I’m already focked

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 17 Apr 2020 10:55:48 GMT

Phoning ‘Mom’ is a sure sign Covid-19 crisis brings out the best in people

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‘We’re not going to eat the banana bread. We’re going to give it to the neighbours’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 10 Apr 2020 11:14:49 GMT

Neighbourly gestures are one thing, but a hostage exchange is quite another.

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‘We’re fine up here, Ross. I just can’t imagine this thing coming to Foxrock’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 03 Apr 2020 19:33:50 GMT

Phoning ‘Mom’ is a sure sign Covid-19 crisis brings out the best in people

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‘Ross, from this morning, you’re going to be home-schooling Honor.’ I laugh out loud

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 27 Mar 2020 23:26:12 GMT

Home-schooling? Me? But I’m a complete focking dunderhead...

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‘The O’Carroll-Kelly Saliva Stakes is the closest thing we have to live sport now’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 Mar 2020 09:59:28 GMT

For five days, I’ve been stuck in the house and I can’t help thinking, ‘God, my family are annoying

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‘Ross, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Your mother is on Tinder’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 14 Mar 2020 12:12:42 GMT

The old dear is catfishing dudes on Tinder by pretending to be only 58about 6 hours ago

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‘I recognise the look instantly. One cheater knows another’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 06 Mar 2020 09:07:37 GMT

The old dear was planning to propose to him on Saturday night

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‘Samuel Beckett’s a writer. He wrote Waiting for Bobo’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 28 Feb 2020 11:13:04 GMT

The old dear is up in arms because the house is being considered for a preservation order

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‘I just shake my head... The dirty dog. The filthy hypocrite’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 21 Feb 2020 12:00:10 GMT

The triplets tear apart an oil painting of their smiling grandad and make a delightful discovery

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‘Sold to the man in the Ireland jersey with a bowtie tied around his neck!’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 15 Feb 2020 10:53:02 GMT

Who wouldn’t spend too much at a charity auction for a horrible portrait?

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‘I want you to flirt with the girl on the reception desk’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 07 Feb 2020 15:14:31 GMT

Sorcha will do literally anything to get Honor into the right Irish college

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‘I want this to be as big as the Statue of bloody well Liberty!”’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 31 Jan 2020 16:27:34 GMT

The old man is ordering a statue of Fr Fehily – with Panzer tanks and hippos, of course

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‘Críost on a rothar. It looks like Chorlie Haughey’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 24 Jan 2020 13:16:17 GMT

The old man has spent some of his hord (slash, crookedly) earned money on a statue of the late, great Fr Fehily

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I hate my father-in-law the same way dogs hate lampposts

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 17 Jan 2020 15:50:41 GMT

‘He hasn’t come to kill you, Ross. He’s come to dig up the time capsule we buried in the gorden just before the millennium’

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"You’re a camel hair coat away from being your grandfather, Ro"

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 10 Jan 2020 15:00:19 GMT

Ronan admits to Ross he threw the race at Leopardstown on Stephen Zuzz Day.

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‘We should have maybe hired a professional jockey’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 03 Jan 2020 12:00:03 GMT

Leopardstown proves to be Hoss O’Carroll-Kelly’s downfall by betrayal

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‘Is anyone going to own up to this Kris Kindle? Is this some kind of joke?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Tue, 24 Dec 2019 07:00:03 GMT

I love playing Santa Claus. The adulation brings me back to my schools’ rugby days

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‘Ross, you can’t hold a note. I don’t want you embarrassing yourself’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 Dec 2019 15:09:22 GMT

The Rossmeister gets into the spirit of the season with a spot of Grafton Street carolling

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‘Goys, does Ronan look like he’s actually in control of that horse?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 13 Dec 2019 16:55:01 GMT

I’m like, ‘What the fock, Ro?’ because I’m suddenly thinking about the 20Ks I’ve just lost...

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Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘We may need to cuff him when we get to Lapland’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 06 Dec 2019 11:01:03 GMT

A surprise trip to take the kids to see Santa Claus does not go according to plan

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‘Tubs sees the boys then and – in fairness – he gives them the benefit of the doubt’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 29 Nov 2019 12:00:23 GMT

Sorcha’s Toy Show dream quickly comes to an end when Ryan Tubridy meets the boys on set.

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'The dude goes, The horse is a maniac. He's the maddest animal I've ever seen'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 22 Nov 2019 09:44:28 GMT

Meeting our temperamental racehorse, Hoss O'Carroll-Kelly.

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'Oh my God', Honor goes, 'there's a focking horse in the gorden!'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 15 Nov 2019 14:15:36 GMT

Yeah, no, I bought a racehorse, but it's not for Honor - it's for my old school's honour.

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'Me and the goys are thinking of buying a horse'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 08 Nov 2019 16:32:19 GMT

All the posh schools have a horseracing syndicate. Why not Castleknock College?

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‘It’s supposed to be like Quinta do Lago – except outside it’s Ballymahon’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 01 Nov 2019 10:46:19 GMT

A trip to Center Porcs leads to an encounter with one of Sorcha’s frenemies.

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"It absolutely kills me to say this, but people hate our kids"

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 25 Oct 2019 09:23:30 GMT

There's barely a day goes by when I don't think "God what I wouldn't do for a condom and a time machine". But that's parenting.

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‘Munster didn’t beat the All Blacks in 1978. This video proves it’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 18 Oct 2019 11:40:19 GMT

What the fock? Did the old man pay someone to fake a video?

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‘No, Sorcha. I’m going to Japan. The team needs me’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 11 Oct 2019 08:52:16 GMT

The Rossmeister is struck with a sudden case of FOMO with just one phone call.

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'All these early morning matches are taking their toll on me'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 04 Oct 2019 09:16:05 GMT

Being fired as godfather is making him teary - so is the breakfast beer...

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'My meal was served on a 1986 edition of the 01 phone directory'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Tue, 01 Oct 2019 10:39:16 GMT

Sorcha's was served on a VHS copy of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

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Isn’t everyone wearing a kimono to watch the rugby?

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 Sep 2019 10:56:11 GMT

‘According to Fionn, it makes me guilty of a thing called “cultural appropriation’’’

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‘Munster beat the All Blacks. We’ve all heard the story... but did it really happen?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 13 Sep 2019 10:00:48 GMT

The old dear thinks the old man has lost his marbles. He’s set up a vlog.

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‘How does another dog plus five grand sound?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 06 Sep 2019 10:31:27 GMT

Baxter’s rightful owner has shown up, and Honor’s not giving him up without a dogfight.

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‘How dare they leave out the hyphen?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 30 Aug 2019 17:00:16 GMT

A letter from Munster Rugby leaves Ross's old man pacing the floor.

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Schmidt Happens: Excerpt Three

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Thu, 29 Aug 2019 04:00:25 GMT

The third and final excerpt from 'Schmidt Happens', the eighteenth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series.

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Schmidt Happens: Excerpt Two

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Wed, 28 Aug 2019 05:00:16 GMT

The second of three exclusive excerpts from 'Schmidt Happens', the eighteenth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series.

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Schmidt Happens: Excerpt One

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Tue, 27 Aug 2019 04:00:36 GMT

The first of three exclusive excerpts from 'Schmidt Happens', the eighteenth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series.

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As one girl puts it, ‘Send him back to Google in a focking wheelchair’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 23 Aug 2019 16:00:16 GMT

In an extract from his new book, Schmidt Happens, Ross O’Carroll-Kelly has taken on his toughest job yet – coaching the Facebook tag rugby team for their annual summer match against Google.

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‘The dude pats me down to make sure I’m not packing heat’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 16 Aug 2019 16:00:26 GMT

Ross doesn’t like what he sees when he visits Ronan at work for some lunchtime pints.

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‘You can’t fire me as a godparent. I resign’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 09 Aug 2019 16:01:05 GMT

The dog is for the chop until Ross channels his inner rugby captain.

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A south Dublin borbecue – what could possibly go wrong?

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 02 Aug 2019 10:00:15 GMT

Christian is horrified to find his Wagyu steak looks tougher than Billy Vunipola.

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‘I wouldn’t be shocked if she was running a meth lab out of her bedroom’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 26 Jul 2019 10:00:25 GMT

A dickhead of a smoke alorm ruins Ross’s night and leads him to a surprising discovery...

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‘You found 10 bags of cocaine and you go to the police?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 20 Jul 2019 06:34:51 GMT

Ro learns how to handle found goods, from the master, Hennessy

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‘It’s coke, Rosser.’ I’m there, ‘Well I knew it wasn’t Shake n’Vac’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 12 Jul 2019 09:34:45 GMT

The old man got more than he bargained for when he bought a Lambo at a Cab auction

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I’ve tried my best not to love my son any less since he storted wearing glasses

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 05 Jul 2019 11:19:09 GMT

I have to remember to treat them all equally, even though one of them is clearly never going to play Leinster Schools Senior Cup rugby due to being basically half-blind.

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Honor has suddenly started to think about environmental issues ... but why?

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 29 Jun 2019 08:44:39 GMT

My daughter had previously told me that being seen to care is a sign of weakness

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Honor leaves Love Island to admit to driving the cor

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 21 Jun 2019 13:49:20 GMT

‘Do you know how embarrassing it is to live in Killiney and have to drive stick shift?’

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‘While I hate lying to him, that’s my job as a parent’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 14 Jun 2019 10:52:41 GMT

I end up carrying Leo in to the ophthamologist. I don’t know why – there’s fock-all wrong with his legs.

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‘Sorcha says the words that every rugby father dreads’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 08 Jun 2019 11:00:05 GMT

She walks into the kitchen and storts looking at Leo in a suddenly strange way

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'The Lambo my old man gave Ro is having a strange effect on him'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 31 May 2019 11:00:27 GMT

‘Your accent has gone full Colin Farrell from Intermission since we passed the turn-off for Newtownmountkennedy’

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‘We’re going to be doing what I call, Maths Through Rugby’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 24 May 2019 11:00:27 GMT

Rosston College has an eventful first day with the triplets out of Montessori.

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‘You’re a Montessori teacher. A babysitter with good insurance cover’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 17 May 2019 14:47:09 GMT

It wouldn’t be an uncommon occurrence for me and Sorcha to find ourselves in a school principal’s office having to apologise for the behaviour of our children.

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‘I know deep down she actually hates that I’m the cool parent’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 10 May 2019 11:00:49 GMT

Honor is at a birthday party – what usually follows is a solicitor’s letter

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'I don't mind being buried in Deansgrange. It's a good address'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 03 May 2019 10:00:19 GMT

Sorcha's old pair are making arrangements for her resting place - but Honor has different ideas.

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'What the fock are you doing in a red Lambo?'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 26 Apr 2019 17:00:09 GMT

Ronan is about to finish college and the old man has a bribe to bring him onside.

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‘We’re going to miss the Easter Bonnet Parade in Dalkey’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 19 Apr 2019 10:00:24 GMT

Sorcha is crying in the cor. “How could something like this have happened?” she keeps going – over and over again.

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‘I’m just saying that our kids are three little yobs’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 12 Apr 2019 11:00:14 GMT

Sorcha is on the warpath after the latest phone call from the Montessori about the triplets

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‘Let’s just say the match is not a good advertisement for rugby’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 05 Apr 2019 11:58:51 GMT

Most of our goys look like they’ve been pulled from the sea after their ship went down.

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‘I dedicate each sit-up to someone who’s done me wrong over the years’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 29 Mar 2019 12:00:12 GMT

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘Inevitably, given the pressure I’m putting my mind and body under - I end up blacking out’

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I’m remembering Fr Fehily hyped up to fever pitch after listening to his Hitler 45s

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 22 Mar 2019 12:00:19 GMT

Unfortunately, I don’t have Fr Fehily’s command of German or his record collection. But I do have my own – let’s just say – motivational qualities?

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‘Gout? What the fock is gout? And please don’t say it’s caused by rugby’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 15 Mar 2019 12:00:48 GMT

Preparation for our grudge match with Newbridge isn’t going to plan.

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‘We would have beaten you with or without Fr Fehily’s doping programme’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 08 Mar 2019 11:44:57 GMT

Our victory was slightly tainted when the IRFU stripped us of our medals.

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The old man takes his truth bus to UCD’s snowflakes

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 01 Mar 2019 09:57:35 GMT

I’m, like: ‘You’re not going to drive around Belfield bellowing insanely at passers-by?’

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No one warns you as you leave Holles Street, “Kids can be seriously focking annoying”

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 22 Feb 2019 11:00:15 GMT

Honor goes, ‘The only reason I’m ringing is because there’s a Gorda checkpoint ahead’.

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‘A convicted criminal is what this female student person called me!’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 15 Feb 2019 16:14:54 GMT

The old man has a plan to stop him being no-platformed by UCD.

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''Fock England!’ they shouted as we passed actual England supporters'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 08 Feb 2019 18:03:22 GMT

The three boys experience that landmark moment: their first rugby international.

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‘Ugly right-wing views? Is this about my letter to The Irish Times?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 01 Feb 2019 11:00:25 GMT

There’s some kind of protest in UCD as the old man arrives for his talk.

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‘I’m entitled to know why taxi drivers seem to think so little of me’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 25 Jan 2019 15:03:52 GMT

Honor’s blackmailing skills come out after using Sorcha’s MyTaxi app.

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'How does this sound: The O’Carroll-Kelly Institute of Rugby!'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 18 Jan 2019 14:37:50 GMT

Why is there no O’Carroll-Kelly building?

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‘Honor can be terribly cruel – it’s hilarious if you’re not the one on the receiving end’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 11 Jan 2019 16:39:24 GMT

Sorcha’s What Would Jesus Eat Diet lasts a record four hours.

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‘Honor cops me standing there, staring at her like she’s a dog explaining Brexit’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 04 Jan 2019 09:25:27 GMT

Ross discovers his 13-year-old daughter has secretly been driving his BMW X5 for the last two years.

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‘Croia called me a Gender Binarist because of my Goys and Dolls party’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 28 Dec 2018 12:00:06 GMT

‘She said if we hadn’t been friends for 20 years, she would have called the Gords’

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‘Our way of dealing with our children’s anti-social behaviour has been to totally ignore it’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 21 Dec 2018 12:00:15 GMT

Ross and Sorcha are particularly tense watching the triplets in their nativity play...

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‘I’m sorry but that’s where this Santa Claus draws the line’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 14 Dec 2018 08:47:08 GMT

Ross, dressed as Santa, can’t believe it when a boy asks him for an Ireland soccer jersey for Christmas

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'I shan't be moving. I've got a full stomach and an empty bladder'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 07 Dec 2018 10:06:39 GMT

We are surrounded by empty porking spaces but neither of us is prepared to give up this one.

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‘I’m sorry for crying. It’s just my brain feels like it’s turning into paté’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 30 Nov 2018 13:02:58 GMT

I had to unmute the Mount Anville mothers’ WhatsApp group - I couldn't bear the silence.

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‘I swear on my children’s lives I’ve had no contact with Peter Casey’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 23 Nov 2018 14:00:24 GMT

Ireland are beating the All Blacks with 15 minutes to go but everything is kicking off in the old man’s corporate box

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‘Our bogey group should be lactose-intolerant Border-county cyclists’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 16 Nov 2018 14:00:08 GMT

The old man is plotting a fresh course for New Republic given the Peter Casey effect.

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‘I’m now a member of nine Mount Anville WhatsApp groups'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 09 Nov 2018 16:25:55 GMT

This is my life now.

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‘Just because people are vulnerable doesn’t mean they’re not taking the piss’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 02 Nov 2018 16:32:16 GMT

"Peter Casey has out-Charles-O’Carroll-Kellyed Charles O’Carroll-Kelly" says the old man.

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‘Honor was actually conceived in this cor?’ ‘We should push it off a cliff’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 26 Oct 2018 12:44:31 GMT

Sorcha gets teary about her old Rav4 in Dundrum cor pork

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‘You grew up in south Dublin, but it’s like you arrived from space an hour ago’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 19 Oct 2018 15:20:32 GMT

Ross gets a horsh lesson on how Mount Anville moms’ WhatsApp groups really work.

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‘I’m with The Girls. We’re getting along like doughnuts and Blanchardstown’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 12 Oct 2018 16:00:19 GMT

Sorcha tells Ross that Honor has set up a review site. It’s called Rate My Playdate.

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'There’s a girl who works in the Bailey. And before you say anything,we were on a break at the time'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 05 Oct 2018 08:50:11 GMT

What would Johnny Sexton do when confronted with plotting a way through Dublin’s no-go areas?

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‘I had no idea how difficult being a Mount Anville mom was going to be’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 28 Sep 2018 08:00:19 GMT

I’ve joined the WhatsApp group the moms set up, and it is intense...

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"Limerick’s definitely been tidied up a bit since ‘Angela’s Ashes"

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 21 Sep 2018 13:15:34 GMT

I convince the lads to go to Munster to rescue Joey Corbery

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My sons take after me in their love of being surrounded by admiring females

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 14 Sep 2018 14:36:33 GMT

The boys can presumably see that Mallorie Kennedy is a serious, serious honey.

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Dancing with the Tsars Excerpt #4

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 07 Sep 2018 12:43:40 GMT

Fourth and final excerpt from Dancing with the Tsars, the latest Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book from Paul Howard. And we're back tomorrow with Ross's regular audio column.(Earlier we reposted Excerpt #1 in error - apologies to our listeners)

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‘Working remotely is modern business-speak for on your own time and for no extra money’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 07 Sep 2018 08:52:12 GMT

I’ve been slaving over the microwave to prepare a family meal for us.

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Dancing with The Tsars Excerpt #3

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Thu, 06 Sep 2018 09:32:44 GMT

Preparing for Round Two of the Strictly Mount Anville Father and Daughter Dance Competition. Excerpt three of four from Dancing with the Tsars. It's available in bookshops today.

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Dancing with The Tsars Excerpt #2

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Wed, 05 Sep 2018 08:18:56 GMT

Sorcha delivers her maiden speech on the floor of the Seanad, with mixed results. The second of four exclusive excerpts from the new Ross O'Carroll Kelly book, Dancing with the Tsars.

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Dancing with the Tsars Excerpt #1

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Tue, 04 Sep 2018 07:30:56 GMT

It's the first of four exclusive excerpts from the latest Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book 'Dancing with the Tsars'.

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‘I suddenly feel like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 31 Aug 2018 07:50:21 GMT

It’s portly my responsibility to deal with the triplets’ swearing

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‘Goys, this is Tayto Pork!’ The triplets’ faces light up’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 24 Aug 2018 09:25:45 GMT

‘Focking fockers!’ Brian goes, obviously looking forward to releasing some of that pent-up energy

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'A chill goes through my body as I notice her - get this - kissing an actual boy'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 17 Aug 2018 13:53:27 GMT

Honor lasted the course in the Gaeltacht - and that's suspicious.

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"There’s a lot of Oh! My! God!s – even by normal South Dublin standards"

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 10 Aug 2018 13:33:17 GMT

While Honor’s away, the guests will play.

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‘You cried once when Elaine Crowley was on holidays and someone else was presenting Midday’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 03 Aug 2018 15:00:14 GMT

Honor’s off to Irish college somewhere called Tralee – I’m going to miss the little wagon

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‘Tag rugby is, like, speed dating for South Dublin people’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 27 Jul 2018 10:09:52 GMT

Time for the Rossmeister to show this LinkedIn team what actual rugby is

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‘I’m reminded of an old rugby saying of mine: never be afraid to let the opposition see your abs’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 Jul 2018 17:18:38 GMT

One by one, I open the buttons of my shirt. Then, I stort unloading the dishwashing, making sure to let him see The Six.

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‘The hosepipe ban isn’t for People Like Us. It’s only €125’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 13 Jul 2018 12:16:02 GMT

Fionnuala has tipped waiters that much for a good Martini.

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‘I considered driving over a cliff just so I wouldn’t have to hear their focking voices’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 06 Jul 2018 12:19:25 GMT

Tempers fray as the family are landed with some cling-ons

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'I'm close to cracking up and we're not even on the runway yet'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 29 Jun 2018 14:26:58 GMT

The family is flying to the south of France. It hasn't started well.

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'I'm morking the 20th anniversary of failing my test for the first time'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 23 Jun 2018 00:00:04 GMT

Ross sets off for the driving test centre, confident it will be 17th time lucky.

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'Unless it's escaped your attention, I'm a complete moron'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 16 Jun 2018 00:00:04 GMT

Sorcha wants me to stay home to look after the kids.

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‘Are you saying you want me to be one of those stay-in-bed fathers?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 08 Jun 2018 12:00:22 GMT

Sorcha’s landed some job, and I don’t loike where this is going

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‘I’m the best estate agent you have – and that’s not me being big-headed’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 01 Jun 2018 11:27:43 GMT

It’s time to learn some crucial differences between GDPR and CPR

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‘If she’s never met a brat like Honor before, she mustn’t be from around here’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 25 May 2018 09:54:48 GMT

There has to be a consequence for ruining Sorcha’s royal wedding porty, hasn’t there?

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‘He was basically saying I’m Leinster and Ireland’s unsung hero’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 18 May 2018 11:20:43 GMT

So I’m lying on the floor in Bilbao airport – in shock

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It turns out that I’m not as blue-blooded as I thought

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 11 May 2018 12:39:40 GMT

In fact my ancestors – brace yourselves, goys – are from Munster

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‘Priced out of Killiney? That’s what you get for choosing an orts degree!’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 04 May 2018 13:00:06 GMT

Ross has done a whole series of ads for the ‘Irish Times’ property section

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Kielys of Donnybrook could be lost forever

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 27 Apr 2018 12:00:14 GMT

Surely Ross can come up with a plan to save a little bit of southside heritage...

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‘I can sense Sorcha tensing up when Honor is asked, “Do you reject Satan?”’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 Apr 2018 11:06:37 GMT

It’s one of the biggest days in the south Dublin social calendar

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‘I’m not posting bail for Conor McGregor. He dresses better than I do’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 13 Apr 2018 11:05:40 GMT

Ronan wants to go to New York and hab a woord with his heerdo.

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‘People need to realise ‘Room to Improve’ is just a TV show. It’s not reality’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 06 Apr 2018 11:08:08 GMT

You’d have to be up early in the morning to get one over on Lauren, though - and when I say early, I mean before the Happy Pear goys are turning cortwheels on Greystones beach.

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‘I’ve chosen Vladimir for my Confirmation name. After Vladimir Putin’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 30 Mar 2018 11:44:47 GMT

I grab my jacket and I perform my famous Ironmonger Act – I make a bolt for the door.

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‘It’s 500 yoyos to secure a seat, non-refundable in the event of cancellation’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 23 Mar 2018 13:14:35 GMT

Rude restaurants – in Ranelagh – are back and the family has a booking

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‘Bouncy castles attract undesirables. They’re not for People Like Us’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 16 Mar 2018 20:24:30 GMT

Just when Ross thought there were no more tears, the floodgates open in Bucharest

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‘You’re going to need to find another sucker – Mother’s Day or no Mother’s Day’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 09 Mar 2018 14:01:42 GMT

Ireland are playing Scotland – but I know my old dear well enough to know when I’m being blackmailed

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‘You went down a different route, Sorcha. You had a family. Three beautiful children. Plus Honor’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 02 Mar 2018 09:53:28 GMT

The Mount Anville past pupils breakfast is like LinkedIn with egg white omelettes and epic insincerity.

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‘Why am I driving a shit cor? Because rugby is no longer a guarantee of anything’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 23 Feb 2018 14:02:34 GMT

It’s hord to put into actual words the power of my new, one-seat, electric, company cor, other than to say it’s like if you fixed four wheels to Sorcha’s hair dryer, then tried to drive the thing to work.

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Grab It, Trouser It and Leg It – a proper name for an estate agent

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 16 Feb 2018 13:13:31 GMT

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The agency is rebanding and Ross doesn’t like it

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‘All these years, I’ve taken the rap for being the unfaithful one’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 09 Feb 2018 12:26:22 GMT

Sorcha’s digging her way through a landfill of old memories

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The Gord goes: ‘Do you ever inquire as to what your daughter gets up to online?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 03 Feb 2018 09:38:46 GMT

‘You’d better look at the video she posted three days ago’...

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‘We’re from South Dublin – none of us want to work for anything’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 26 Jan 2018 14:27:21 GMT

Honor is rude to randomers on Grafton St – and Ross has never been so proud.

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‘When Dricmas falls on a weekend, people are entitled to the Monday off’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 19 Jan 2018 14:53:27 GMT

Ross discovers that his idea of a Holy Day of Obligation doesn’t quite tally with his bos

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‘To my ears, Irish always sounds like someone is hurting a Norwegian’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 12 Jan 2018 15:46:38 GMT

Ross isn’t on board with Sorcha’s Irish resolution – and it’s about to blow up in his face

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I’m the most high-profile Irish rugby player who never got the Leaving?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 05 Jan 2018 16:10:12 GMT

The dude who rings is called Mister Something-Something. His name isn’t important. He says he’s from the Deportment of Education and he has some good news for me.

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‘Your resolution was to become part of the Irish coaching staff. How did you get on?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 30 Dec 2017 10:17:31 GMT

“It’s an amazing way of celebrating our Irishness in this period of historic centenaries,” claims Sorcha

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‘Oh my God, it’s Christmas – and we’ve just been told there’s no room at the Inn’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 22 Dec 2017 13:07:53 GMT

Honor goes, “What the fock are we doing in Cork anyway?” and I end up having to laugh because it’s honestly like listening to myself.

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‘Don’t forget to leave a very, very large gin and tonic out for, ahem, Rudolph!’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 15 Dec 2017 09:29:15 GMT

“Honor has never been sentimental about Christmas. Do you remember the first time we ever watched the Late Late Toy Show together as a family? And she said she wanted to smash all of the toys with a hammer just to make all the other children cry?”

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‘Dave came back from that HR course like a soldier who’s been to war and can’t speak about it’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 08 Dec 2017 14:34:12 GMT

Dave from the office was in chorge of payroll until he did a course in human resources in the Smurfit Business School in Blackrock and returned to work six weeks later having lost his sense of smell, his sense of taste and – most tragically of all – his sense of humour.

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‘Grandad!’ Rihanna-Brogan shouts. ‘Don’t call me that! Call me Rosser. Or Rossmeister’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 01 Dec 2017 09:25:03 GMT

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly is a grandfather and his old man is building a prison called Robbin’ Island.

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‘You don’t discriminate. You’re a complete pig to absolutely everyone’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 24 Nov 2017 10:49:36 GMT

“Dad,” she goes, “you are so not a sexist. You’re horrible to women and men. It’s one of the few things I actually like about you.”

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‘I have no prejudices. Except people who aren’t from Dublin’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 17 Nov 2017 10:53:06 GMT

Lauren, the new Lady Managing Director of Hook, Lyon and Sinker, thinks I have a problem taking orders from women. Which is complete horseshit, of course. I worked behind the bor at the annual Foxrock Golf Club Ladies Foursomes event for seven years in a row and took thousands of orders from women. Mostly for gin and tonics.

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‘I know HR is an actual thing now, but to me it’s like homeopathy or dinosaurs'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 10 Nov 2017 09:59:43 GMT

I walk into the office to discover that all of my most treasured possessions have been stuffed into a cordboard box, which is sitting on my desk. We’re talking my ‘That’s Leinstertainment’ travel mug. We’re talking my 13 letters of censure from the Property Services Regulatory Authority. We’re talking my signed photograph of Richie McCaw (“To Ross,” it says. “You could have been one of the all-time greats,” words which still bring a tear to my eye, even though I told him specifically what to write).

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‘A brain like tiramisu.’ ‘Multi-layered?’ ‘No, soft and full of custard’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sun, 05 Nov 2017 22:18:58 GMT

Hennessy and the old man have bought Hook, Lyon & Sinker, but the way Hennessy’s talking, it’s not looking like yours truly is their first choice for managing director

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‘I have to say my year in UCD was possibly the happiest three months of my life’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 27 Oct 2017 10:53:31 GMT

The annual Iron Stomach Contest is as much a part of UCD life as wearing your schools rugby jersey for the first 10 weeks of first year and experimenting with your sexuality by getting off with people who didn’t go to fee-paying secondary schools.

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'Believe me,’ Honor goes, ‘she’ll thank us for this in the long run’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 Oct 2017 08:59:32 GMT

My daughter is doing a Closet Purge for her vlog. A purge with a difference – it’s Sorcha’s closet and there’s petrol involved

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‘You’re a bloody good estate agent. I’ve heard of your lack of emotion and basic humanity’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 13 Oct 2017 14:31:16 GMT

The old man asks me for my thoughts on the Budget – like it affects me somehow?“What Budget?” I go.

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‘If white collar crime is a crime, then why does no one ever go to jail for it?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 06 Oct 2017 11:33:12 GMT

If you’d told me, when I was, like, 16 years old, that one day I’d end up literally working for a living, I would have asked you, well, what was the point of playing rugby in the first place?

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‘This is my actual Dad, Ross. He’s a kind of fat rugby has-been’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 29 Sep 2017 11:22:41 GMT

It’s like Honor’s had some kind of, I don’t know, personality transplant?

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Operation Trumpsformation: On Referendum Day, The Cornival Atmosphere Turns Sour for Ross

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 25 Sep 2017 07:33:43 GMT

The fourth and final exclusive excerpts from 'Operation Trumpsformation', the seventeenth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series.

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Operation Trumpsformation: Micheál Mortin Calls The Old Man's Attitude Cavalier & Irresponsible

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sun, 24 Sep 2017 04:58:57 GMT

The third of four exclusive excerpts from 'Operation Trumpsformation', the seventeenth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series.

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Operation Trumpsformation: Honor, The True Heir to The O'Carroll-Kelly Rugby Name

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 23 Sep 2017 01:25:08 GMT

The second of four exclusive excerpts from 'Operation Trumpsformation', the seventeenth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series.

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Operation Trumpsformation: The Old Man's Vision for A New Ireland

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 22 Sep 2017 08:38:03 GMT

The first of four exclusive excerpts from 'Operation Trumpsformation', the seventeenth novel in Paul Howard's 'Ross O'Carroll-Kelly' series.

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‘There could be anything in there: a gun, €100k in cash, one of her teachers gagged’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 20:29:09 GMT

Ross and Sorcha find something suspicious – but they’re the ones in trouble

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The old dear goes: ‘I will never forgive you for this, Ross’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 08 Sep 2017 15:38:10 GMT

Ross manages to throw the most unwanted birthday party of all tim

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‘It’s the Vico Road. Do you think anyone around here cleans their own gaff?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 01 Sep 2017 10:03:09 GMT

The HSE have paid Ross a visit, but it takes him a while to figure out why

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‘It still hasn’t dawned on Sorcha that Honor is the wrong crowd’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 11:24:43 GMT

First day in ‘actual Mount Anville’, but the last thing Honor needs is a chaperone

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‘The anaesthetist is a total knockout – no pun intended’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 18 Aug 2017 11:26:43 GMT

“Now,” she goes, “when I give you the injection, I want you to count backwards from 20.”I’m like, “Twenty?” and I can hear the fear in my own voice.

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‘Public transport is for the poor and fallen’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 11 Aug 2017 19:53:17 GMT

The old dear might be ‘entitled’ to free travel, but that doesn’t mean she wants it

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‘You drove to LA to hear a man from Crumlin swearing? You should have just gone to Crumlin’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 04 Aug 2017 15:14:44 GMT

Some quick thinking is required of Ross to bail Ronan out of trouble – again

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‘Ross,’ he goes, ‘you marbles-in-your-mouth, soft-as-shite, South Dublin mammy’s boy’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 28 Jul 2017 09:09:56 GMT

Oisinn goes, “Yeah, you’ve been sitting there all night with a face on you like the Long Mile Road. Why did you even come out? You should have stayed home and watched Love Island.”

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‘The doctor says it’s an old rugby injury – I can’t tell you how proud that makes me’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 21 Jul 2017 19:04:54 GMT

Ross finds the past, and tackles by Jerry Flannery, catching up with him

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‘Is Honor double-bluffing me? Or is she double-double bluffing me?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 14 Jul 2017 10:17:02 GMT

Sorcha has gone away for the weekend to a Himalayan Spa Retreat in a hotel on the R280 just as you’re coming into Drumshanbo.

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"We need a name that says it’s for welfare cheats”

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 07 Jul 2017 12:27:49 GMT

I’ve hordly ever seen the old man this excited about something non-rugby related.

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‘I hear someone blubbing and I suddenly realise it’s me’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 30 Jun 2017 10:03:56 GMT

He asked me for 20 snots. And as I peeled two Brodie Jenners off the wad, I could seem him silently kicking himself that he didn’t ask me for 50.

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'He dresses like shop security from the 1980s'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 23 Jun 2017 08:20:44 GMT

Ross is forced to engage his brain, with surprisingly good results.

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‘We’re southsiders,’ I tell her. ‘We don’t really do feuds’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 16 Jun 2017 14:03:27 GMT

"I'm Ross O'Carroll Kelly. What's *your* superpower?"

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‘We’re about to have our first openly second-tier-private-school-educated taoiseach’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 09 Jun 2017 05:29:48 GMT

“Well, I’ve never heard of him. What school did he go to?”“King’s Hospital, Ross!”“Jesus. No wonder he says it doesn’t matter where you come from.”

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‘Look me in the eye, Rosser. Did you hab sex with my wife that neet?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 02 Jun 2017 12:44:15 GMT

We keep driving. He doesn’t say anything for a minute or two. Then he goes, “You know, I shouldn’t eeben be in the cunter doddy.”I’m like, “In the what?”“The cunter doddy. This cunter doddy. Arelint.”“Oh, Ireland – right.”

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‘We all make mistakes, Ro. . . Just try not to sleep with the wives of any other gangland killers’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 26 May 2017 09:25:04 GMT

Sometimes the best advice we can give our children is the most obvious.

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‘Look, the recession was a fluke. No one knows why it happened, just that it did’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 19 May 2017 10:09:10 GMT

Why am I getting grief for giving Ross jnr a wad of cash?

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"It’s like if Tarantino directed Wind in the Willows"

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 12 May 2017 16:55:00 GMT

Can Ross save Ro from Grievous Bodily Harm?

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‘I stop seeing them as criminals, and more as a normal family, like the Kordashians’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 05 May 2017 12:09:03 GMT

In which Ross and Ronan encounter celebrity gangster Grievous Bodily Horm.

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‘All estate agents know how to make bread. It’s one of the first things they teach you'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 28 Apr 2017 15:21:40 GMT

Ross rediscovers the simple pleasure of selling property to desperate house-hunters in an overheating morket.

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'Your daughter is malevolent, belligerent and discourteous'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 21 Apr 2017 14:31:30 GMT

Honor outwits Ross after a focking disastrous parent-teacher meeting.

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"Ronan, I'm terrified of you being sucked into the world of guns, drugs and non-rugby nicknames"

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 14 Apr 2017 09:18:22 GMT

"Ronan, I'm terrified of you being sucked into the world of guns, drugs and non-rugby nicknames" by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘I push the stick towards him with what resembles a dead rat on the end of it’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 07 Apr 2017 15:48:25 GMT

It’s, like, so random seeing my old man without hair...

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I am so excited thinking about all of the people’s lives we can change with this money!

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sun, 02 Apr 2017 10:20:12 GMT

I am so excited thinking about all of the people’s lives we can change with this money! by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross will pay it, Shadden. As a matter of fact, Ross will pay for absolutely everything

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Thu, 23 Mar 2017 14:40:38 GMT

Ross will pay it, Shadden. As a matter of fact, Ross will pay for absolutely everything by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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I genuinely feel like grabbing that wig right now and focking it in the Liffey

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Thu, 16 Mar 2017 14:16:12 GMT

I genuinely feel like grabbing that wig right now and focking it in the Liffey by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “I’m here to watch Denis O’Brien wipe the floor with you.”

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 10 Mar 2017 13:13:09 GMT

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “I’m here to watch Denis O’Brien wipe the floor with you.” by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘It’s the Celtic Phoenix, Sorcha. People are thankfully being stupid again’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 03 Mar 2017 08:39:47 GMT

‘It’s the Celtic Phoenix, Sorcha. People are thankfully being stupid again’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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"The Dublin accent was invented to allow criminals to talk to each other"

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 24 Feb 2017 17:58:07 GMT

"The Dublin accent was invented to allow criminals to talk to each other" by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘If you showed Dermot Bannon around the inside of my head, he’d say the design was minimalist’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 17 Feb 2017 13:25:38 GMT

‘If you showed Dermot Bannon around the inside of my head, he’d say the design was minimalist’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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They’ll have to rename it ‘Don’t Tell the Bride I Did the Dirt on Her Again’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 10 Feb 2017 12:52:56 GMT

They’ll have to rename it ‘Don’t Tell the Bride I Did the Dirt on Her Again’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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The old man wants to build Trump’s Mexican wall

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 03 Feb 2017 17:39:11 GMT

The old man wants to build Trump’s Mexican wall by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘I actually like Trump. I like the way he pisses people off. I can see a lot of myself in him’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 27 Jan 2017 15:35:21 GMT

‘I actually like Trump. I like the way he pisses people off. I can see a lot of myself in him’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘I thought Pythagoras was something the Greeks dipped their bread in'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 Jan 2017 11:01:41 GMT

‘I thought Pythagoras was something the Greeks dipped their bread in' by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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"She unbuttons her coat and that’s when I notice that my old dear has had . . . augmentation"

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 13 Jan 2017 12:30:23 GMT

"She unbuttons her coat and that’s when I notice that my old dear has had . . . augmentation" by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘I win Most Ingenious Yet Borderline Illegal Use of the Phrase “Within Commutable Distance” award’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Thu, 12 Jan 2017 09:45:00 GMT

"All those prophets of doom who said we would never again make the mistakes of the Celtic tiger era have been proven well and truly wrong. We’re not only making those mistakes, we’re making lots of new ones as well.”

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‘The two of us listen to them roaring at each other’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Thu, 29 Dec 2016 13:58:31 GMT

‘The two of us listen to them roaring at each other’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘The turkey shuffles into the room and jumps onto the sofa beside me’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Wed, 21 Dec 2016 15:13:55 GMT

‘The turkey shuffles into the room and jumps onto the sofa beside me’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Going through Honor’s Santa list must be what it’s like to go on Tonight with Vincent Browne

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Thu, 15 Dec 2016 17:30:53 GMT

Going through Honor’s Santa list must be what it’s like to go on Tonight with Vincent Browne by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘The old man is making a complete orse of himself’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 09 Dec 2016 15:13:27 GMT

‘The old man is making a complete orse of himself’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Have you ever had an episode like this before? You could use his orteries for attic insulation

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 02 Dec 2016 17:53:10 GMT

Have you ever had an episode like this before? You could use his orteries for attic insulation by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘I wouldn’t be any kind of best man if I didn’t try to persuade you'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 25 Nov 2016 13:11:07 GMT

‘I wouldn’t be any kind of best man if I didn’t try to persuade you' by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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I think it was John F Kennedy who said that politics was the something of something else

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Thu, 17 Nov 2016 13:14:03 GMT

I think it was John F Kennedy who said that politics was the something of something else by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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When she was born, the midwife smacked her orse and Sorcha fake-smiled her back

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 11 Nov 2016 11:35:39 GMT

When she was born, the midwife smacked her orse and Sorcha fake-smiled her back by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Don’t be frightened, it’s just latex and make-up – but you can call her Granny

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 07 Nov 2016 09:44:44 GMT

Don’t be frightened, it’s just latex and make-up – but you can call her Granny by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘Mount Anville took out a High Court injunction banning me from their debs one year’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 21 Oct 2016 12:56:36 GMT

‘Mount Anville took out a High Court injunction banning me from their debs one year’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘You’re a dirty dog. And I can’t tell you how proud that makes me feel’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Thu, 13 Oct 2016 14:09:55 GMT

‘You’re a dirty dog. And I can’t tell you how proud that makes me feel’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Women want more. I say let them have it. I’m just not sure I’m the man to give it to them

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 07 Oct 2016 11:49:33 GMT

Women want more. I say let them have it. I’m just not sure I’m the man to give it to them by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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“ It feels like you’re.”“What?” “I’m going to use the phrase ‘pimping me out’.”

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 30 Sep 2016 13:37:24 GMT

“ It feels like you’re.”“What?” “I’m going to use the phrase ‘pimping me out’.” by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘No one goes to lectures before Christmas’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 23 Sep 2016 12:47:37 GMT

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘No one goes to lectures before Christmas’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘Her ex worked as a risk assessor for an insurance company. I call him Love Actuary’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 16 Sep 2016 13:28:40 GMT

‘Her ex worked as a risk assessor for an insurance company. I call him Love Actuary’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘Did you hear that, Shadden? George Clooney is one of Hennessy’s neighbours!’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 09 Sep 2016 11:45:32 GMT

‘Did you hear that, Shadden? George Clooney is one of Hennessy’s neighbours!’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘Honor is pacing in front of the cage, glowering at 200 terrified kids’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 02 Sep 2016 12:38:30 GMT

‘Honor is pacing in front of the cage, glowering at 200 terrified kids’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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RO'CK Game of Throw-ins Extract 4

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 29 Aug 2016 06:55:11 GMT

RO'CK Game of Throw-ins Extract 4 by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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RO'CK Game of Throw-ins Extract 3

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 29 Aug 2016 06:49:17 GMT

RO'CK Game of Throw-ins Extract 3 by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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RO'CK Game of Throw-ins Extract 2

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 29 Aug 2016 06:47:57 GMT

RO'CK Game of Throw-ins Extract 2 by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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RO'CK Game of Throw-ins Extract 1

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 29 Aug 2016 06:47:37 GMT

RO'CK Game of Throw-ins Extract 1 by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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We can hear them chanting through the walls of the dressing room

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 26 Aug 2016 11:53:24 GMT

We can hear them chanting through the walls of the dressing room by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘You’re so transparent. You’re trying to butter me up so I won’t humiliate you too badly’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 22 Aug 2016 10:24:12 GMT

‘You’re so transparent. You’re trying to butter me up so I won’t humiliate you too badly’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘After 2km, I’m wheezing like a 60-cigarettes-a-day man while Garret isn’t even breathing heavily’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 17:27:27 GMT

‘After 2km, I’m wheezing like a 60-cigarettes-a-day man while Garret isn’t even breathing heavily’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘He’s got 12 months of hord training behind him. All I’ve really got is drugs’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 05 Aug 2016 13:16:09 GMT

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘He’s got 12 months of hord training behind him. All I’ve really got is drugs’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘That’s a side-effect of taking these pills, by the way – short-term memory, em . . . thingy ’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 29 Jul 2016 14:23:25 GMT

‘That’s a side-effect of taking these pills, by the way – short-term memory, em . . . thingy ’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘What’s happening with your face?’ ‘I’m thinking. I’m thinking deeply’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 22 Jul 2016 11:44:29 GMT

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘What’s happening with your face?’ ‘I’m thinking. I’m thinking deeply’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘I suddenly feel the kind of shame that only a couple of lunchtime pints can help erase’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 16 Jul 2016 06:49:14 GMT

‘I suddenly feel the kind of shame that only a couple of lunchtime pints can help erase’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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"See that little island down there. Lambay Island. Or – as it will soon be known – Aquatraz"

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 08 Jul 2016 14:54:14 GMT

"See that little island down there. Lambay Island. Or – as it will soon be known – Aquatraz" by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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“Do you want to be the fedda puking his ring up on the soyud of the road?

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 01 Jul 2016 13:22:39 GMT

“Do you want to be the fedda puking his ring up on the soyud of the road? by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘I find myself standing on Vico Road, hand on the wall, throwing my breakfast up’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 24 Jun 2016 10:40:37 GMT

‘I find myself standing on Vico Road, hand on the wall, throwing my breakfast up’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘Claire doesn’t have, like, a Wicklow Wicklow accent? she’s very, very nearly South Dublin’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 17 Jun 2016 13:35:42 GMT

‘Claire doesn’t have, like, a Wicklow Wicklow accent? she’s very, very nearly South Dublin’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘Are any of you familiar with Countdown?’ Of course they are – they were in UCD

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 10 Jun 2016 15:09:12 GMT

‘Are any of you familiar with Countdown?’ Of course they are – they were in UCD by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘You’re like a young Katie Hopkins – except more, I don’t know, evil?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 03 Jun 2016 11:31:33 GMT

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘You’re like a young Katie Hopkins – except more, I don’t know, evil?’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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JP’s dad won’t be able to show his face in Doheny & Nesbitt’s again

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 27 May 2016 12:37:42 GMT

JP’s dad won’t be able to show his face in Doheny & Nesbitt’s again

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‘I can see Honor standing in the wings, giving Miss Pallister the famous one-finger salute’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 May 2016 10:52:27 GMT

‘I can see Honor standing in the wings, giving Miss Pallister the famous one-finger salute’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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She might have fitted into the dress on our wedding day, but now, well..'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 May 2016 10:50:51 GMT

She might have fitted into the dress on our wedding day, but now, well..' by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘I put Leinster on the Census form as my religion’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 07 May 2016 13:45:06 GMT

‘I put Leinster on the Census form as my religion’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘If at first you don’t succeed, it’s a pretty good indication you’re never going to’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 29 Apr 2016 12:44:27 GMT

‘If at first you don’t succeed, it’s a pretty good indication you’re never going to’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘I could tell you the word she used except The Irish Times probably wouldn’t print it’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 22 Apr 2016 11:20:47 GMT

‘I could tell you the word she used except The Irish Times probably wouldn’t print it’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘I can’t wait to see Denis O’Brien wipe the floor with you in the High Court'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 16:00:59 GMT

‘I can’t wait to see Denis O’Brien wipe the floor with you in the High Court' by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: doing a hard sell on Inchicore as an estate agent

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 08 Apr 2016 13:46:13 GMT

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: doing a hard sell on Inchicore as an estate agent by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Honor is naturally gifted on the piano. She’d want to be – we’ve spent about 12 grand on lessons

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 01 Apr 2016 13:10:36 GMT

Honor is naturally gifted on the piano. She’d want to be – we’ve spent about 12 grand on lessons by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘The last time JP had his hand on a breast, it came out of a bucket’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 25 Mar 2016 12:35:45 GMT

‘The last time JP had his hand on a breast, it came out of a bucket’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I haven’t heard the word pronoun since I sat the Junior Cert’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 18 Mar 2016 16:56:28 GMT

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I haven’t heard the word pronoun since I sat the Junior Cert’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘Are you the same guy who first called Mullingar the Gateway to Dublin?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 12 Mar 2016 08:03:34 GMT

If JP is crazy enough to think he can take the chest-bump out of selling houses, he’s crazy enough to do anything

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‘I make sure to just say it in my mind. Because that’s being a good husband'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 04 Mar 2016 16:33:28 GMT

‘I make sure to just say it in my mind. Because that’s being a good husband' by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Chorles wants a prison colony for people who don’t pay their water bills’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 27 Feb 2016 08:28:26 GMT

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Chorles wants a prison colony for people who don’t pay their water bills’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘The government is planning to come down hord on people not paying their water bills’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 19 Feb 2016 15:19:19 GMT

‘The government is planning to come down hord on people not paying their water bills’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Keep your friends close. But make sure you have the means to destroy them’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Tue, 16 Feb 2016 10:53:22 GMT

“Once Chorles discovered how highly the porty rated in the opinion polls, he didn’t want to discuss issues in case it alienated the people who were already committed to vote for us. That’s not politics to me, Chris – it’s morkeshing.”

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This is getting ridiculous. It’s like being on a spa weekend with Sorcha

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 05 Feb 2016 15:23:30 GMT

This is getting ridiculous. It’s like being on a spa weekend with Sorcha by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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He smiles with the same smile he uses when choosing his lobster in Cavistons

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 29 Jan 2016 17:01:46 GMT

He smiles with the same smile he uses when choosing his lobster in Cavistons by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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These apartments will be so small, there won’t be room for two people to break wind

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 15 Jan 2016 13:34:58 GMT

These apartments will be so small, there won’t be room for two people to break wind by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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These are going to be our Family Date Nights

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 08 Jan 2016 16:59:18 GMT

These are going to be our Family Date Nights by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Has she been drinking or is she still pissed from last night?

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 02 Jan 2016 10:22:15 GMT

Has she been drinking or is she still pissed from last night? by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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I just don’t consider it a sport. It’s like watching CCTV footage of a fight

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 18 Dec 2015 15:56:26 GMT

I just don’t consider it a sport. It’s like watching CCTV footage of a fight by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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You look like something Dr Marie Cassidy should be going at with rubber gloves and a bone saw

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 14 Dec 2015 15:31:40 GMT

You look like something Dr Marie Cassidy should be going at with rubber gloves and a bone saw by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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I actually love women. If that makes me a feminist, then so be it.

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 14 Dec 2015 15:31:31 GMT

I actually love women. If that makes me a feminist, then so be it. by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Christmas is a time of year when, er… you get loads of stuff

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 27 Nov 2015 17:06:54 GMT

Christmas is a time of year when, er… you get loads of stuff by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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I’m the porty spokesperson on Gender Issues

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 20 Nov 2015 17:04:56 GMT

I’m the porty spokesperson on Gender Issues by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross, we need to take Pang to the Beacon – right now

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 13 Nov 2015 16:09:59 GMT

Ross, we need to take Pang to the Beacon – right now by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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My son’s nickname is Manslaughter.

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 06 Nov 2015 17:24:11 GMT

My son’s nickname is Manslaughter. by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Sorcha hasn't touched her chicken

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 30 Oct 2015 16:08:04 GMT

Sorcha hasn't touched her chicken by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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“Ireland won alright. Which means we’re into the semi-finals of the World Cup!”

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 23 Oct 2015 14:11:34 GMT

“Ireland won alright. Which means we’re into the semi-finals of the World Cup!” by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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“A lot of children are just born that way – they’re d**kheads.”

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 16 Oct 2015 15:34:19 GMT

“A lot of children are just born that way – they’re d**kheads.” by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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I’m there, “Pang, give me those cigarettes.” She goes, “Get away from me, you racist!”

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 09 Oct 2015 16:00:25 GMT

I’m there, “Pang, give me those cigarettes.” She goes, “Get away from me, you racist!” by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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If you can do it on the upper deck of a no 40 bus

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 02 Oct 2015 16:20:38 GMT

If you can do it on the upper deck of a no 40 bus by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘If you bought a gaff in Tenerife, they'd say they bought one in Elevenerife’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Wed, 23 Sep 2015 12:39:32 GMT

‘If you bought a gaff in Tenerife, they'd say they bought one in Elevenerife’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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I should report you – underfloor heating is a human right

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 18 Sep 2015 14:33:03 GMT

I should report you – underfloor heating is a human right by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Seedless in Seattle Extract Five

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 14 Sep 2015 13:52:22 GMT

Seedless in Seattle Extract Five by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Seedless in Seattle Extract Four

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 14 Sep 2015 13:40:46 GMT

Seedless in Seattle Extract Four by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Seedless in Seattle Extract Three

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 14 Sep 2015 13:35:35 GMT

Seedless in Seattle Extract Three by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Seedless in Seattle Extract Two

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 14 Sep 2015 08:46:13 GMT

Seedless in Seattle Extract Two by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Seedless in Seattle Extract One

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 12 Sep 2015 14:14:26 GMT

Seedless in Seattle Extract One by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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RO'CK: It's here. A day I thought I'd never see

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Sat, 12 Sep 2015 06:47:45 GMT

RO'CK: It's here. A day I thought I'd never see by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross goes to Electric Picnic: “I’m not staying in a focking tent”

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 04 Sep 2015 09:31:10 GMT

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: “It’s not camping,” Sorcha tries to go. “It’s what they call glamping!” Honor whips out her phone. “I’m staying in Castle Durrow,” she goes. “It’s what they call five-stor hoteling.”

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People are chanting, "Co'ck for Taoiseach!"

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 28 Aug 2015 15:56:22 GMT

People are chanting, "Co'ck for Taoiseach!" by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘His dog just bit me,’ Honor goes. ‘Get up off your knees. We’re going to the Gords’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 21 Aug 2015 09:56:39 GMT

Ross O'Carroll Kelly: ‘I see one placard at the next auction and the doggy gets it. Cah-peesh?’

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‘Why don’t you just tell Denis O’Brien’s solicitor that you’ll stop having Denis O’Brien Hair?’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 14 Aug 2015 12:17:44 GMT

Ross O'Carroll Kelly: ‘Why don’t you just tell Denis O’Brien’s solicitor that you’ll stop having Denis O’Brien Hair?’

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‘Whatever you think about two men kicking the humanity out of each other in a cage...'

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 07 Aug 2015 11:17:46 GMT

Ross O'Carroll Kelly: ‘Whatever you think about two men kicking the humanity out of each other in a cage. . . at least it’s not soccer’

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I've got to stop thinking about my old man as an ATM

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 31 Jul 2015 10:19:26 GMT

I've got to stop thinking about my old man as an ATM by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly - JPs old man

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 24 Jul 2015 16:12:46 GMT

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly - JPs old man by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly - You know that smell

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 10 Jul 2015 19:54:26 GMT

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly - You know that smell by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly - I've genuinely never seen Sorcha so angry ...

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 03 Jul 2015 12:50:53 GMT

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly - I've genuinely never seen Sorcha so angry ... by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross O'Carroll Kelly: ‘Why would I want to date you? I’m already married to you.’

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 26 Jun 2015 13:30:47 GMT

Ross O'Carroll Kelly: ‘Why would I want to date you? I’m already married to you.’ by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross O'Carroll Kelly (June 20th - 2)

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Mon, 22 Jun 2015 13:04:27 GMT

Ross O'Carroll Kelly (June 20th - 2) by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross O Carroll Kelly (20th June)

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 14:01:00 GMT

Ross O Carroll Kelly (20th June) by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly (May 23rd)

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Thu, 11 Jun 2015 10:15:44 GMT

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's audio column in The Irish Times

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly (June 6th)

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Thu, 11 Jun 2015 10:15:43 GMT

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's audio column in The Irish Times

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly (June 13th)

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Thu, 11 Jun 2015 10:15:43 GMT

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's audio column in The Irish Times

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly (May 30th)

features@irishtimes.com (The Irish Times) — Thu, 11 Jun 2015 10:15:43 GMT

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's audio column in The Irish Times

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