SUNNYVALE — Phew. After years of complaints from Apple customers about perplexing product names, sanity finally returns.

Say goodbye to absurdities like iPhone XS Max and hello to clever, more creative names like iPhone 11S Plus Max Mini SE.

Armed with the rumors beginning to appear about the new AirPods Pro Lite earphones in the pipeline, Scoopertino cornered Apple’s Phil Schiller—who spilled the beans.

Here are excerpts from our interview.

SCOOPERTINO: So great to bump into you here at KFC, Phil. Let’s jump into it. Are we really going to get AirPods Pro Lite soon?

SCHILLER: Absolutely. You’re going to love them.

SCOOPERTINO: Can you explain the logic of the name? Seems a little odd, doesn’t it?

SCHILLER: It’s not about oddness, it’s about courage. Only Apple has the courage to name products like this. And it makes a lot of sense—AirPods Pro Lite will have the Pro features you love, minus a few features you might also love. So you get Pro, and you get Lite. Make sense?

SCOOPERTINO: But if you take away the Pro features, aren’t they just plain AirPods?

SCHILLER: You don’t get it, do you.

SCOOPERTINO: Do you see this logic carrying over to other products as well, like iPhone?

SCHILLER: Totally. You’re expecting an iPhone 11S Pro Max next year, right? If we add and remove a few features, we could easily create an iPhone 11S Pro Max Plus Minus.

SCOOPERTINO: Interesting. But I’m still a little fuzzy on one thing. What exactly is the difference between Max, Pro and Plus? Aren’t they all just shades of the same thing?

SCHILLER: I can’t get into the secret stuff.

SCOOPERTINO: What about the SE moniker? Those letters were always puzzling.

SCHILLER: Funny story. We were talking about making a “super exciting” phone, and it just kind of stuck. But with our expanded thinking, the door is wide open for LE products as well, for customers who prefer a “low excitement” experience. Maybe they have heart conditions or something.

SCOOPERTINO: So, uh, iPhone 11S Max Plus Minus LE?

SCHILLER: It’s a natural.

SCOOPERTINO: Interesting. What about Apple TV? A lot of people wonder where that’s going.

SCHILLER: Different product, same philosophy. If the Plus product doesn’t match your needs, wouldn’t it be great if you could add a few Minuses? Or even more Pluses? Maybe the right product for you would be an Apple TV +-+-.

SCOOPERTINO: Seriously? I guess anything’s possible then? Like an iMac Pro Plus Minus Max Mini?

SCHILLER: There ya go. Infinite possibilities = happy customers.

SCOOPERTINO: Well, a big thanks to Phil Schiller, Apple’s VP Worldwide Product Marketing, for taking the time to talk to us.

SCHILLER: Correction, I have a new title. I’m now VP Worldwide Product Marketing Minus Bolivia Minus Online Plus Apple Park Maintenance.

SCOOOPERTINO: Good lord.

Cupertino — First came frustration. Then mind-numbing boredom. And finally, excruciating torture.

According to the legendary recently-resigned Chief of Design, 27 years inside Apple was a “living hell.” Ive spills his guts about the dark inner workings of his former company in a soon-to-be-published Forbes interview obtained by Scoopertino.

“Every company has ups and downs,” says Ive, “Apple is just downs and downs.” His grievances started with the first iMac, which pulled Apple back from the brink of bankruptcy—and pushed him to the brink of quitting.

“I was passionate about the iMac shell being 23.5% transparent, but Steve emasculated me by demanding 24.1%. Can you imagine?” fumed Ive.

From that point, things continued to go south.

“One of our cafeteria light bulbs had gone a bit reddish, at 2500 Kelvin, instead of cool white, which everyone knows is 3120 Kelvin. I asked a thousand times to get that fixed,” said Ive in disgust.

Also sticking in Ive’s craw were the videos he recorded for most product unveilings.

“I was sick to death of the format—me on a white background. Tim rejected all my creative ideas. Me on horseback, me in a shark cage, me on Everest, and so on. The man has the creative instincts of a housefly.”

Some of his issues were simple matters of respect.

“I kept asking Steve’s assistant for an aisle seat at the product launches. Never happened. I was perpetually stuck in a middle seat, fighting Phil Schiller for the armrest.”

“It gets worse. With the hundreds of people I met daily, not a single one ever addressed me as Sir Jony. Commoners are so fucking petty.”

Apple’s Executive Committee didn’t make things any easier for Ive.

“After Steve passed away, I made a simple request of the Committee to build a Throne Room for me. They acted like my $500 million net worth was compensation enough. Such small thinkers.”

It got to the point where Ive looked for ways to strike back.

“My best bit of revenge was the cylindrical Mac Pro. Such a doomed design. It was like planting a time bomb!”

Once his exit is complete, Tim Cook promises that Apple will continue working with Jony at his new venture, LoveFrom.

“After being the bane of my existence, Tim will be the gift that keeps on giving. Honestly, I almost named my company CashFrom, because I’ll be milking this cow for years to come.”

To celebrate the newest Steve Jobs movie, we now pull this story from our dusty vaults.

Scoopertino Movie Review

Steve Jobs was impatient, demanding and abrasive — but it was nothing a good nap couldn’t fix.

That’s the takeaway from Tiny Tyrant, a major motion picture debuting Friday, which focuses on Steve Jobs’ early years.

Based on the bestseller, Boy King: The Making of Steve Jobs by British author Regent Altschiller, this new Steve Jobs biopic zeroes in on the Apple founder’s formative years — when many of his world-changing behaviors were just taking shape.

Think Anakin Skywalker, before he becomes Darth Vader.

Steve’s ability to lead is established early in the film, during a play date with three other toddlers. His parents are delighted by his crayon drawings — but they fail to notice that he’s directed the other kids to do the work for him. Watching those kids fume as Steve basks in the limelight is pure cinematic delight.

Encouraged by his parents to set up a lemonade stand on the front lawn, toddler Steve ends up creating a “walled garden” of lemonade stands throughout his neighborhood, taking a 30% cut of all sales.

But much of Tiny Tyrant’s action takes place in nursery school.

Here, little Steve perfects the ability to make other children cry, forcing them to do their finger-painting over and over again until it meets his standards.

He terrorizes his teacher, repeatedly telling her that she’s fired. When she sends him to the nursery school owner to be disciplined, he ends up negotiating a better financial deal for his parents.

Most impressively, little Steve finds a way to poach the smart kids from the adjoining class, swapping them for several of the kids in his own class — the ones he calls “bozos.”

It’s a joy to see a film that finally explores some new territory in the Steve Jobs saga. Thanks to great acting and writing, the young Steve comes across as a cute, fun, energetic kid — with just the right amount of The Omen mixed in.

The movie is rated R, so don’t bring the kids. It contains sexuality (there’s one graphic diaper-changing scene) and “threatened violence.”

Apparently, Universal Studios now sees gold in a series of Steve Jobs movies, and has already green-lighted a prequel to this prequel.

The next film, yet untitled, will examine the even earlier life of Steve Jobs — including his conception, gestation and ultimate journey through the birth canal.

Cupertino — Worried that your cool arm tattoo will spoil the fun of your Apple Watch?

Don’t.

Responding to reports that tattoos interfere with Apple Watch functions, Apple has acted quickly to allay the fears of its well-inked customers.

In a press release today, Tim Cook says, “Now you can have the best of both worlds — a gorgeous tattoo and a gorgeous Apple Watch.”

The ingenious solution? The Apple Watch Tattoo Redesign Program.

Here’s how it works.

1. Go to apple.com/tattoo.
2. Select an Apple-certified tattoo removal facility near you.
3. Make an appointment to have an expert burn away a small part of your tattoo in the shape of Apple Watch.

Tim Cook shows off his new set of tats — Apple Watch-compatible on both arms

As a bonus, you’ll receive an Apple Store Gift Card to help pay for the procedure. ($100 for 42mm designs and $75 for 38mm designs.)

If you’re thinking of getting a new tattoo, Apple has that covered as well.

A large selection of Apple-approved tattoos — each incorporating a blank space for Apple Watch — are available free of charge to registered tattoo artists.

“We love our customers,” says Cook, “especially the epidermally enhanced ones.”

To show solidarity with those who had felt disenfranchised, Apple is encouraging its employees to visit its new in-house tattoo studio, dubbed AppleTat.

Customer #1 — Tim Cook himself.

Apple CEO Tim Cook evaluates April Fools’ Day suggestions from staff

Cupertino — Eager to enjoy an Apple-quality prank on April Fools’ Day? Just pull out your wallet.

Visit the online Apple Store today and you can order your own iPrank — which, for a mere $9.99, will make you the butt of an Apple-engineered joke.

The beauty of iPrank is that you’ll never know when it’s coming, or what form it will take.

It might be an email notice of foreclosure from your mortgage bank. Or an iMessage saying a loved one needs you at the hospital immediately. Or an angry “Dear John” iMessage from your girlfriend. Or an unexpectedly brutal dressing-down by Siri.

A spokesperson explains that although Apple promised to keep your information confidential, it never said it wouldn’t use that information for a good gag.

The $9.99 iPrank will be sufficient humor for most. For high-end users, Apple offers a more sophisticated iPrank Pro for only $19.99. At this level, iPrank will monkey with your professional contacts and create fake OS X system disasters at critical points in your work.

“We’ve tormented users enough for free in the past,” said CEO Tim Cook in a statement. “iPrank makes far more financial sense.”

Cook also promised that next year Apple Watch will play a major role in Apple’s April Fool activities. “Imagine the laughs when you’re in a meeting and your Apple Watch says ‘Your heart rate is 160. Get medical help now,'” says Cook. “And that’s just off the top of my head.”

iPrank will be available until 11:59 Pacific time this evening.

Kim Jong-un demonstrates the first North Korea-made app, called “Launch Break”

Cupertino — Take heart, Jennifer Lawrence. It wasn’t Apple’s lax security that spilled your nude photos onto the internet. It was those pesky North Koreans.

Apple CEO Tim Cook broke the startling news this morning during a closed-door meeting with a group of analysts at Apple headquarters.

On conditions of anonymity, our source quoted Cook as saying that Kim Jong-un ordered the attacks on iCloud as the result of a grudge he’s held against Apple since Steve Jobs turned down his father’s request for a pre-release iPod back in 2010.

Since he took over as Apple CEO, Cook has received a series of escalating requests from the Supreme Leader. First Kim asked for a MacBook Air with Retina display (“We know you have them in the lab”), and then he asked that the Apple Watch be re-christened as “iJong.”

It was when Cook denied the MacBook Air request that the Guardians of Peace issued its statement: “Apple acts like mad rhinoceros in tropical jungle, greedily keeping toys to itself like a spoiled child in a hide-and-seek endeavor.”

In what now appears prophetic, the communique ended with the warning: “J-Law will pay for this.”

Cook says the iCloud security lapse is only the most recent act of aggression by North Korea. The renegade country has been responsible for the general crappy-ness of iCloud, the Apple Maps fiasco, the premature release of iOS 8.01, and the birth of Scott Forstall.

But help is on its way. In response to the GoP, an aggressive new group has formed independent of Apple. Calling itself the Guardians of Tim, this group is promising a series of retaliatory strikes, including a major leafleting campaign for Apple products inside the secretive state.

Behind the scenes at Apple, work goes on. With a major upgrade to iCloud planned for early 2015, the project team has been split into two. One is focused on the technology, while the other is tasked with finding ways to blame North Korea when it doesn’t work.

Cupertino, CA —

Beginning next month, special “Flex” models of iPad and Mac will take their place alongside the currently offered iPhone 6 Flex and iPhone 6 Flex Plus.

In Getting The Bends, a new video now viewable on Apple’s website, Jony Ive explains the extraordinary engineering behind the new Flex models.

“Apple’s amazing Flexibody design combines the look and feel of the world’s most durable metals with the foundational strength of Olive Garden-grade cheese ravioli,” says Ive.

Better still, with literally hundreds of stress points designed into every Apple product, you can be sure that the device you purchase will bend in a way that is uniquely you.

“Our customers have asked for more flexibility,” said CEO Tim Cook, “and that’s exactly what they’ll get.”

The full line of Flex products will begin shipping on October 22nd. Customers who would rather leave the bending to Apple experts may purchase a pre-Flexed model for an additional $99.

Cupertino, CA — Last week, Apple moved to the wrist. This week, it goes farther — all the way to the finger.

At a special event today, Tim Cook & Co. announced Apple Ring.

Designed to be worn on any finger — on either hand — Apple Ring opens up a new world of possibilities. Embedded in a choice of elegant bands is a gorgeous .125-inch Retina HD display.

Optional Apple Ring Magnifier makes the .125-inch display appear to the eye as a 15-inch display

Apple Ring connects to your Apple Watch, which in turn connects to your Apple iPhone. “This is more than technology designed to work together,” said Cook, “it’s technology designed to squeeze three purchases out of every customer.”

Developers are already at work creating fantastic Ring Apps, such as Twitter Ring — which will allow users to fire off 6-character tweets.

The biggest news in Apple Ring is its interface. Just as Apple Watch introduced a new interface designed for the small screen, Apple Ring introduces a new interface designed for the microscopic screen.

The key to controlling Apple Ring is the “tap.” Tapping the device on any hard surface allows the user to control functions without obscuring the display, which is nearly invisible to start with.

No need to learn a new interface — you control Apple Ring with a series of simple taps in Morse Code

“Rather than require users to learn a whole new interface,” says Jony Ive, “Apple Ring taps are based on a language you already know: Morse Code.”

The Ring’s Taptic Interface uses taps and double-taps in place of dots and dashes. For example, if you wish to say “hello” to a nearby friend with an Apple Ring, you would simply tap as follows:

“tap tap tap tap … tap … tap double-tap tap tap …  tap double-tap tap tap … double-tap double-tap double-tap”

“Information at your fingertips has long been the goal of technology,” says Gene Munster, Managing Director at Piper Jaffray. “Thanks to Apple, we’re now only two to three inches from that goal.”

Customers can choose among three different models. There is Apple Ring, for everyday use; Apple Ring Nasal, for stunning nose rings; and Apple Ring Nuptial, designed specifically for the betrothed.

The full line of Apple Rings will be available in early 2015.

Apple CEO Tim Cook heads into surgery, with Steve Jobs’ shadow visible under his right arm

San Francisco, CA — Expect an eyeful at Apple’s September 9th special event. One thing you won’t see: Steve Jobs’ shadow hanging over Tim Cook.

In a marathon 11-hour operation yesterday, Cook was surgically separated from the shadow that has dogged him since October 5, 2011.

The risky procedure was performed at Stanford University Medical Center by a team of specialists, including a surgeon, psychologist, exorcist, voodooist, shadow boxer and a representative from Apple PR.

Until recently, this surgery was considered by most experts to be too dangerous. George Bush Jr. nearly lost his life during his unsuccessful battle to have his dad’s shadow removed.

“Enough,” says Tim Cook. “I love you, Steve, but I need a little privacy.”

But technology has opened new doors in shadow therapy, and the Apple Board began to pressure Cook to undergo the procedure in late 2013.

Cook was hesitant, but decided to cooperate after alternate treatments — from flamethrowers to cattle prods — only made Steve’s shadow even surlier.

The 24-hour period following shadow surgery is the most critical, and the early signs are positive. Cook has looked over his shoulder only four times today.

If all goes well, Tim will make his first-ever onstage appearance without Steve’s shadow at the upcoming iPhone 6 unveiling.

As a safeguard, a medical team will be offstage throughout the show. Apple cautions attendees not to be alarmed should an emergency response team need to rush onstage to hose Cook down with a chemical treatment.

Inspired by the news of Cook’s surgery, new Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella is reported to be considering a similar operation.

Unfortunately, experts say it is nearly impossible to remove a shadow as beefy as Steve Ballmer’s. Further complicating Nadella’s situation, Ballmer’s shadow is itself under the shadow of Bill Gates — which would necessitate an even more dangerous double-bypass operation.

AAPL stock rose 2.4% on the news that Tim Cook might soon be his own man.

CEO Tim Cook, unveiling Apple’s plans for OS X Yosemite Park.

Yosemite National Park, CA — Apple isn’t just thinking different for OS X Yosemite. It’s thinking very, very big.

Parting with a bit of its loose change, the world-leading tech giant has acquired Yosemite Park from the U.S. National Park Service for $14.4 billion.

The fabled park, to be re-christened OS X Yosemite Park, will become the core of Apple’s ad campaign for the new OS X this fall — the first major effort from Apple’s new in-house ad agency.

But prepare yourself. This is not your father’s Yosemite.

The OS X Yosemite Park Hotel will require the destruction of only 12,480 trees.

“We think the bones of Yosemite Park are terrific,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook at today’s press briefing. “But it’s an old park — old trees, old trails, old waterfalls. We can do better.”

First on Cook’s to-do list: raze the park’s famed Ahwahnee Hotel. In its place, Apple plans a 1,200-room luxury hotel modeled after the “spaceship” headquarters now being built in Cupertino.

Hermetically sealed, the new OS X Yosemite Park Hotel will insulate visitors from the annoying sounds and smells of nature on the other side of the wall. In doing so, it will allow them to focus on the real reason for their visit — enjoying the new OS X Yosemite experience on their Macs.

Though construction of the new hotel will significantly reduce the park’s greenery, the overall ecological impact will be positive. With a new technology called iPhotosynthesis, Apple engineers will be able to boost oxygen production in remaining trees up to 26%.

Hikers can refresh themselves with the latest Apple products at the Half Dome Apple Store.

Hiking will still be a big part of the OS X Yosemite experience — but getting lost will no longer be an option. Most of the park’s 800 miles of hiking trails are to be closed, with a single Apple-designed trail leading directly to the new Apple Store perched atop Half Dome. Retail research indicates that customers are more willing to open their wallets at higher altitudes.

Hikers who can’t make it to the top will also reap the benefits of the new structure. A laser projection on Half Dome will display the current weather, time and AAPL stock price in 64-inch text.

National Park Service rangers will become a thing of the past. Over 1,000 Genius Rangers will patrol the park, offering One-to-One training in OS X Yosemite installation and black bear defense techniques.

iPhone losing power too often? Apple is teaching old trees new tricks.

And, of course, Apple is seriously sweating the details. A whopping 33% of Yosemite’s redwoods are being outfitted with power plugs and USB ports.

“We like to think of it as Nature 2.0,” said Cook.

Best of all, Apple is making it easy for visitors to get right to the good stuff. Hourly iCopters will shuttle visitors between the hotel and the outside world, bypassing the monotony of trees, mountains and streams.

A 5-night vacation in OS X Yosemite Park will start at $4,999 for a family of four. This includes free earplugs to help deal with the sonic assault of 24/7 iCopter traffic.