Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails

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2013-08-22T22:19:00.002-05:00

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2013-01-13T21:27:00.002-06:00

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Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails for January 6, 2013

2013-01-06T18:01:00.000-06:00

Playoffs 2013

2013-01-06T17:47:00.001-06:00

Good News For Grandma

2013-01-06T17:44:00.003-06:00

Shark Eating Shark

2013-01-06T17:13:00.004-06:00

Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails for December 30, 2012

2012-12-30T12:30:00.000-06:00

Christmas Funnies 2012

2012-12-30T12:08:00.003-06:00

The Day Marijuana was Legalized in Seattle

2012-12-30T11:53:00.004-06:00

Stacking Wood

2012-12-30T10:17:00.000-06:00

If you do not know how to pack firewood for the winter, here are some ideas...

Still the light

2012-12-20T21:27:00.002-06:00

Still The Light, By Cameo Smith (Mt. Wolf, PA)

Twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate.
their smiles were contagious,

their laughter filled the air...
they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.

They were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say.
Remembering nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
"Where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
"This is Heaven." declared a small boy. "we're spending Christmas at God's house."

When what to their wondering eyes did appear,
but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
then He opened His arms and He called them by name.

In that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
those children all flew to the arms of their King
As they lingered in the warmth of His blessed embrace,
one small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.

And as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."
When He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe

He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!"
"may this country be delivered from the hands of fools"
"I'm taking back my nation. I'm taking back my schools!"

Then He and the children stood up without a sound.
"Come now my children, let me show you around."
excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.

and I heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
"in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails for December 16, 2012

2012-12-16T18:05:00.000-06:00

Timmy Writes A Christmas Letter

2012-12-16T17:43:00.000-06:00

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the

reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I

would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for

Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

* *

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all

fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the

time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to

get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you

something you can go outside and play with.*

Merry Christmas,*

Santa Claus***

* *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract,

set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to

granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this

joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at

my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit

trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

* *

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,

need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it

a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,

well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been

on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be

more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I

alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social

skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the

bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

* *

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was

attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends

into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys

and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console,

my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

* *

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on

one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees

you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,

genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your

shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people

that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll

all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you

asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in

you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

* *

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.

Timmy

* *

Timmy,

That’s what I thought you little bastard.

Santa

Not Afraid of Heights

2012-12-16T17:40:00.003-06:00

Snow Quilts

2012-12-16T17:27:00.002-06:00

Artist Simon Beck must really love the cold weather!

Along the frozen lakes of Savoie, France, he spends days plodding through the snow in raquettes (snowshoes), creating these sensational patterns of snow art.

Working for 5-9 hours a day, each final piece is typically the size of three soccer fields!

The geometric forms range in mathematical patterns and shapes that create stunning, sometimes 3D, designs when viewed from higher levels.

How long these magnificent geometric forms survive is completely dependent on the weather. Beck designs and redesigns the patterns as new snow falls, sometimes unable to finish a piece due to significant overnight accumulations.

The main reason for making them was because I can no longer run properly due to problems with my feet, so plodding about on level snow is the least painful way of getting exercise. Gradually, the reason has become photographing them, and I am considering buying a better camera. - Simon Beck

Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails for December 9, 2012

2012-12-09T17:24:00.002-06:00

Bill and Hillary Kitchen Set

2012-12-09T17:13:00.003-06:00

Merry Christmas from Illinois

2012-12-09T17:10:00.003-06:00

Deer Hunting in Florida

2012-12-09T17:08:00.003-06:00

Don't tell me this snake can't swallow a full grown man!

Wanna go to the swamp Boys & Girls, Mommies & Daddies.

This is a Reticulated Python, native to Asia, but probably someone's pet that they let go in the swamps to fend for itself when it got too big and dangerous for them to handle.

Thanksgiving in 2022

2012-12-09T17:04:00.000-06:00

"Winston, come into the dining room, it's time to eat," Julia yelled to her husband. "In a minute, honey, it's a tie score," he answered.

Actually Winston wasn't very interested in the traditional holiday football game between Detroit and Washington.
Ever since the government passed the Civility in Sports Statute of 2017, outlawing tackle football for its "unseemly violence" and the "bad" example it sets for the rest of the world", Winston was far less of a football fan than he used to be. Two-hand touch wasn't nearly as exciting.

Yet it wasn't the game that Winston was uninterested in. It was more the thought of eating another Tofu Turkey. Even though it was the best type of Veggie Meat available after the government revised the American Anti-Obesity Act of 2018, adding fowl to the list of federally-forbidden foods, (which already included potatoes, cranberry sauce, and mincemeat pie), it wasn't anything like real turkey.

And ever since the government officially changed the name of
"Thanksgiving Day" to "A National Day of Atonement" in 2020, to officially acknowledge the Pilgrims' historically brutal treatment of Native Americans, the holiday had lost a lot of its luster.

Eating in the dining room was also a bit daunting. The unearthly gleam of government-mandated fluorescent light bulbs made the Tofu Turkey look even weirder than it actually was, and the room was always cold.

Ever since Congress passed the Power Conservation Act of 2016, mandating all thermostats - which were monitored and controlled by the electric company - be kept at 68 degrees, every room on the north side of the house was barely tolerable throughout the entire winter.

Still, it was good getting together with family. Or at least most of the family. Winston missed his mother, who passed on in October, when she had used up her legal allotment of life-saving medical treatment. He had had many heated conversations with the Regional Health Consortium, spawned
when the private insurance market finally went bankrupt, and everyone was forced into the government health care program. And though he demanded she be kept on her treatment, it was a futile effort.

"The RHC's resources are limited," explained the government bureaucrat Winston spoke with on the phone. "Your mother received all the benefits to which she was entitled. I'm sorry for your loss."

Ed couldn't make it either. He had forgotten to plug in his electric car last night, the only kind available after the Anti-Fossil Fuel Bill of 2021 outlawed the use of the combustion engines - for everyone but government officials. The fifty mile round trip was about ten miles too far, and Ed didn't want to spend a frosty night on the road somewhere between here and there.

Thankfully, Winston's brother, John, and his wife were flying in. Winston made sure that the dining room chairs had extra cushions for the occasion. No one complained more than John about the pain of sitting down so soon after the government-mandated cavity searches at airports, which severely aggravated his hemorrhoids. Ever since a
terrorist successfully smuggled a cavity bomb onto a jetliner, the TSA told Americans the added "inconvenience" was an "absolute necessity" in order to stay "one step ahead of the terrorists."

Winston's own body had grown accustomed to such probing ever since the government expanded their scope to just about anywhere a crowd gathered, via Anti-Profiling Act of 2022. That law made it a crime to single out any group or individual for "unequal scrutiny," even when probable cause was involved. Thus, cavity searches at malls, train stations, bus depots, etc, etc, had become almost routine. Almost.

The Supreme Court is reviewing the statute, but most Americans expect a Court composed of six progressives and three conservatives to leave the law intact. "A living Constitution is extremely flexible", said the Court's eldest member, Elena Kagan. " Europe has had laws like this one for years. We should learn from their example," she added.

Winston's thoughts turned to his own children. He got along fairly well with his 12-year-old daughter, Brittany, mostly because she ignored him. Winston had long ago surrendered to the idea that she could text anyone at any time, even during Atonement Dinner. Their only real confrontation had occurred when he limited her to 50,000 texts a month, explaining that was all he could afford.

She whined for a week, but got over it.

His 16-year-old son, Jason, was another matter altogether. Perhaps it was the constant bombarding he got in public school that global warming, the bird flu, terrorism, or any of a number of other calamities were "just around the corner", but Jason had developed a kind of nihilistic attitude that ranged between simmering surliness and outright hostility. It didn't help that Jason had reported his father to the police for smoking a cigarette in the house, an act made criminal by the Smoking Control Statute of 2018, which outlawed smoking anywhere within 500 feet of another human being. Winston paid the $5,000 fine, which might have been considered excessive before the American dollar became virtually worthless as a result of QE13. The latest round of quantitative easing the federal government initiated was, once again, to "spur economic growth." This time, they promised
to push unemployment below its years-long rate of 18%, but Winston was not particularly hopeful.

Yet the family had a lot for which to be thankful, Winston thought, before remembering it was a Day of Atonement.

At least, he had his memories. He felt a twinge of sadness when he realized his children would never know what life was like in the Good Old Days, long before government promises to make life "fair for everyone" realized their full potential.

Winston, like so many of his fellow Americans, never realized how much things could change when they didn't happen all at once, but little by little, so people could get used to them.

He wondered what might have happened if the public had stood up while there was still time, maybe back around 2012, when all the real nonsense began. "Maybe we wouldn't be where we are today if we'd just said 'enough is enough' when we had the chance," he thought.

Maybe so,Winston. Maybe so.

Mark Twain once said: “It’s easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.”

Why Romney Lost....

2012-12-09T16:55:00.001-06:00

Romney said, "When I'm elected, I'll put Americans back to work," and ...

51% said, "Screw That!"

A Special Photo Story

2012-12-09T16:54:00.001-06:00

The Sapling Within

2012-12-09T16:50:00.002-06:00

Artist Giuseppe Penone carefully removes the rings of growth to reveal the "sapling within". By carving out the inside of a tree trunk and leaving the knots in place, they eventually emerge as tiny limbs.

Shortarmguy's Crazy Emails for December 2, 2012

2012-12-02T19:17:00.002-06:00

Instant Brick Roads

2012-12-02T19:08:00.001-06:00

This is quite an engineering feat!

Too bad we don't have this in the US.

Tiger-Stone is a Dutch paver laying machine that can produce brick roads. Paving bricks are dropped by front-end-loader onto the angled trough. Men help to spread them in the trough as they drop into the forming jig.

As the electrically operated crawler moves forward along a pre laid sand base layer, All the stones are packed, gravity held together & descend the sloping ramp on to the road.