After calling myself in during my post last week, where I said I would be writing here more regularly, we got some unfortunate news.

On Wednesday (28 May), we were informed of some changes at Tori’s company (which is a startup). As a result, we have had to review our budget and finances. This meant we needed to cut some of the long-term subscriptions we have.

Note: We have already paid off our holidays for the remainder of the year so thankfully we don’t have to cancel or reschedule those.

But this did mean that it is time to pause the blog as I do pay Squarespace each month.

So ironically (maybe incorrect use here) - after getting myself pumped to get back to writing; I am actually canceling the subscription for this page.

I DO NOT want to lose the momentum so I will continue to post on the Facebook page & my Instragram page. It would be great to see you over there in the meantime.

I thank all of you for your support over the years and here’s to more… just in another slice of the internet.

For now…

There was so much of my life, especially from 2011-2017, that I shared here in this space. Once I left the comfort zone of living in the US and became an #ExPat in The Netherlands, I struggled to groove out the time I wanted to spend here.

The people and experiences I have gained thanks to this page are too many to count. I am a lucky lady for what I have received because one day I woke up and said I was no longer hiding my struggles and sharing them here.

It started as a way for me to document the journey I was on, but it became more. It was a place where I could realise I wasn’t alone. There were other people who were going through what I was going through (lack of self-confidence, struggling with weight loss, exploring a new hobby like running, eating disorders, etc).

I’ve made small efforts over the past 8 years to get myself back into the groove to write here, not for clicks, but to continue to use this space to let go of the topics that hound my brain, to celebrate fitness endeavours or share the amazing travel experiences with living in Europe.

I’m coming into this anniversary with gratitude and with a cautious optimisim that I can get back to a state mentally where I can release what continues to weigh me down…

You might be saying to yourself: “Gurl! Why are you setting yourself up for failure?”

To that I say…

I kiiiiiddddd! I am trying to be gentler with myself. Celebrating what I do do (ha! doo doo).

With that, it is time to do one of my lovely brain dumps where I just word vomit all over this screen. So what has really happened over the last 3+ years.

Burnout

In all honesty, I’ve probably been burnt out most of my professional career, but it came to the head in 2022. While trying to hold everything together at work, I let myself fall to the back burner (my health, my happiness, etc). It truly broke my soul and once I tried to get help it felt as if no one was listening to me. There is sick leave in the Netherlands that is specifically there to support people who are burnt out, etc, but for some reason I wasn’t one of those people. Instead of being met by support from HR or the government appointed doctor, I was faced with roadblocks and people telling me that I wasn’t burnt out - I just needed to work on my time management or get a business coach.

Oookkk folks! I was doing 3 people’s jobs within 60-70 hours of work and if anything that sounds like some damn good time management. Am I right?

In parallel, I was trying to take action into my own hands to find a therapist. I contacted 40 therapists and had only 1 come back saying they could speak to me. The rest were either: Dutch-speaking only, not covered by insurance or had waitlists of 6+ months. That is telling us that this country is not equipped to handle the needs of the people.

Note: I could’ve paid out of pocket, but I was frustrated with the process and wanted to force the system to provide me support which would be covered by the insurance I pay for.

Anyway with a disappointed heart and a feeling like I was imaging it all, I gave up trying to find help. I opted to just suck it up and just keep grinding through each day with the tears & exhaustion I was not getting used to.

Therapy

As I mentioned, I contacted 40 (yes 40) therapists within Amsterdam area, but let me back up. I had gone to my doctor’s office where I see a number of different doctors in January 2023 asking for a referral to a therapist as I learned from friends that was the protocol. However the GP I happened to see that day told me that she could not give me a blanket referral but I needed to come back to her with the name of the therapist and then she would give me a referral.

I got that one name and went back to the doctors for a second time. This time it was a different person and he actually listened to me, contacted someone else within the practice and they came back to me with the referral as well as a personal email they sent on my behalf to the organisation to stress how I needed help ASAP. I was finally able to start with a therapist (after a lengthy vetting process) in May 2023 (yes it took that long). But for the first time in ages, I had felt some hope. It was a younger therapist who was Dutch, but had lived in the US previously so she understood both cultures (at least slightly). We worked well together and some hope was turning to me until she dropped the news on me that in the fall 2023 she would be leaving the world of therapy and starting to work in design. Ohhh while happy for her I felt defeated. The journey to get to this point had been tiring. I worked with her to find a new therapist within her organisation but that person didn’t work out so we tried a third person. She also meant well but I wasn’t feeling the connection.

Once the manager of the organisation made the comment “your file is getting thick,” I was back to feeling self-conscious and wondering if I was once again doing something wrong. Did I not know how to do therapy? Like how I didn’t know how to properly prove I was burnt out?

With the final straw coming when the organisation took me out of the decision-making process and I was again on my own.

Medication

The straw that broke the camel’s back with the first therapy organisation here in Amsterdam was when I made the request for medication. I had spoken to enough of my friends and close confidants to know that it was what I needed to try. The constant living on high-alert, the anxiety attacks, the panic attacks & the constantly being on the edge of tears or actually crying was putting me over the edge.

The psychiatrist of that group told me that it was decided I was on the personality disorder spectrum not on the anxiety spectrum. Well that’s odd - no one had ever brought that topic up to me at all so it caught me severly off guard. As a result, I was not a candidate for medication unless it was one that I would use only when I felt I needed it. Well sir how was I supposed to know when to use it. He said I would know. Well that wasn’t going to work since I couldn’t predict when the anxiety would be all consuming. I couldn’t know when I would feel like the world was collapsing around me.

He did say I could go off and think about what medication I thought I needed and come back to him. Well certainly not sure that’s how it works, but off I went.

I worked with an amazing friend/therapist in the US to write back to him with a well-planned email on why I should be given anxiety medication and what brand. He again responded: No.

I returned to the doctor for the third time on the topic (and FINALLY!) she heard me and made something happen. She got me in to an emergency therapist within the GP and provided me a 30-day trial of the anxiety medication (lexapro).

I am eternally grateful for this woman who finally listened to what I had to say and actioned on it.

I started the medication in January 2023 and immediately felt the impact. I had no idea how much of a stronghold the anxiety had over me and how it impacted my mental, but also psychical well-being.

The therapist at the GP swept in with kindness, understanding and action. She assured me she would stay with me until we found a new therapist that was a fit… and it happened. I have now been with my current therapist, Berna, for just over a year and I’m thankful for her every day. The psychiatrist at this organisation welcomed my use of anxiety medication and has been a calming presence in my life since our first conversation. She is someone I can whatsapp to get advice and to see what else I can do - additional Vitamin D, etc.

Injury

If you have made it this far - give yourself a hug and a high-five - and maybe comment something that makes you happy so I know you’ve made it.

The other biggest curveball the past few years has been the hip injury that just wouldn’t heal itself. Leading to a break from running that I hated to see. I am thankful that I have had amazing physical therapists along the way and I think I am finally making progress where I see a light towards really returning to running in the way that makes my heart happy.

Happiness

The bulk of the above brain dump has been full of the hurdles I’ve navigated, but I need to stress the happiness that has gone alongside it. The friends I have are carrying me through these hurdles and keeping me smiling, laughing and leaving the house when I didn’t think it was possible.

Additionally, the wife and I have had a blast traveling - can you believe we have now been to 20 different countries together - and even started a Youtube channel to document it on. Have you subscribed to Castles and Canals?

It has taken me awhile to finally be able to disconnect from work while on holiday and I’m not 100% there, but I am able to actually recharge like I should’ve been doing the entire time.

What’s Next

I had a bit of a meltdown a few weekends ago saying “I am doing so much, but I feel like I’m making no progress.” I said this because:

• I meet my therapist once a week

• I’ve restarted physical therapy

• I spent the last 7 months focusing on fixing my smile with my local orthodontist so I could be proud to smile

• I’m working on improving my sleep

• I see a nutrionist and refocusing on my health

But it still feels like I am not getting to where I want to be.

Where do I want to be?

I want to be happy, less stressed, comfortable in my own body, feeling like I belong, more self-confident.

When I look back to my first blog posts, I wanted the same things. Here I am 14 years later still working on those items.

Does that make me a failure?

Initially, I say yes.

But I will change that answer. I’ve had such ups and downs during those years and I have too many wins to celebrate to say I haven’t learned or grown or won over the last 14 years.

Now it’s time for me to continue to fight. I will only fail… when I stop trying!

Are you up for the ride?

But somehow I keep showing up to those events… I keep putting my name out there to lead groups/events… I do register for the workout class or language class where I know no one.

In therapy so far I have downplayed the fact that even though I am scared and full of self-doubt, I do keep trying and going and doing. Something that I need to be proud of and not immediately negating.

Yes I signed up for the class but…. I don’t really belong there and they will find out I am a fraud pretty quickly!

Side Note: I also want to call out that I’ve heard this phrase often from watching Elyse Myers on Instagram and listening to her podcast so I don’t want anyone to think I am “stealing” or “lifting” something she has discussed. This is also a common topic that I think many go through and something that drew me to her material.

This came to mind in a BIG way twice this week while I did 2 major things that have scared me to the core (hi anxiety), but I put myself out there anyway.

1) Finally taking my first inburgering examen - Friday (25 August)! Okay I needed to go back and strikethrough the finally because I am doing them when I feel ready and saying finally is me putting invalid pressure that I should do something in a certain time (and that is a thinking error).

While I still don’t know how the exam went, I am proud of myself for doing it.

You know what?

They didn’t kick me out… they didn’t think I was a fraud… they allowed me in and it was on me to do the rest.

2) I built up the courage to try my hand as Run Director of our local Parkrun at the AmsterdamseBos.

With the HUGE support from my friend Laura (and my Parkrun guru) I felt comfortable going into to yesterday’s (26 August) event - especially knowing she was there as well in case some apocalyptic type event happened. Also when your friends roll up and your family (wife and pup) - you know that they will have your back if you stumble.

But again, I drew on the love and support of my system, dug deep and did the thing scared - and the event went on without any major issues, no one called for me to get out of the Blue vest. ;) I’m even planning on doing it again!

The moral of this week - in particular - for me is that even if I feel scared - I am strong enough to TRY!

Because every time I have tried has led me to some absolutely amazing adventures:

• Joining my sorority in 2001

• Doing a summer abroad in Galway, Ireland in 2003

• Moving to San Francisco in 2007 for a job as an intern at the age of 24

• Relocating to Chicago in 2008

• Starting this blog in 2011

• Becoming a Weight Watchers leader in 2012

• Leading our Slumbrew Happy Soles (brewery running club) in 2012

• Taking a leap and moving to Amsterdam in 2018

• Showing up to NP in 2018

• Stepping in as co-leader of November Project Amsterdam in 2021

I’ve regretted NONE of those experiences and looking back I am DAMN PROUD of what I ahve accomplished!

Have you done something scared? Has your fear of the outcome stopped you from doing something?

But I am happy to report the work was worth it… and I passed!

Now on to starting the 5 exams needed to apply for permanent residency/citizenship in NL. You can apply for permanent residency or citizenship once you have lived in the Netherlands for at least 5 years (and making sure you didn’t leave the country for X - can’t remember offhand - amount of consecutive days during that time) and have passed the 5 inburgering exams. I have the first done (we have been here 5,5 years) and now I am feeling more ready to try the exams.

The wife shared on her blog how she has already submitted her permanent residency application since she passed all the exams this year!

In my last therapy session, we were discussing how quickly my brain finds the negative in a situation, about myself or even in the future at this point.

Working to flip the script on my negative thinking has been a lifetime of trial and error with limited success. Now with the help of my therapist, I am actively tracking the trends of these thoughts: when are they happening, are there any common triggers, etc.

Note: Therapy is helping feed into my love of a Google Doc/sheet
and tracking all of these tasks that she wants me to do!

Constantly taking the time to pause & recap my day (or couple of days since I am not at the point now where I do it at the end of each day) is forcing me to face these mind tricks head on. Seeing these situations, my reactions and the feeling or thinking error associated with each scenario is eye opening.

The anxiety truly feels like an unwanted tenant in my head who is constantly twisting my thoughts/feelings/reactions into the absolute worst case scenario. I recap the situation with my therapist and when I share about it verbally, it seems laughable at how my mind/body felt in that situation. But I know it happened because I was there.

It is a thin line, however, on how I categorise the situations after the fact because if I immediately say “Oh I should’ve reacted XXX” then I am already feeding into the thinking errors we are trying to combat.

Do you know what thinking errors are? Here are the 12 I am working on with my therapist:

• All-or-Nothing Thinking (Black-and-White Thinking): This is the tendency to see things in extreme terms, categorizing situations as all good or all bad, with no middle ground. It involves disregarding the nuances and complexities of a situation.

• Overgeneralization: This involves drawing broad conclusions based on limited evidence or a single negative event. For example, if one thing goes wrong, a person may believe that everything in their life is going wrong.

• Mental Filtering: Focusing exclusively on negative aspects of a situation while ignoring or downplaying the positive aspects.

• Discounting the Positive: Rejecting positive experiences or achievements as insignificant, believing that they "don't count" for some reason.

• Mind Reading: Assuming that others are thinking negatively about you or that you know what they are thinking, without any concrete evidence.

• Fortune Telling: Predicting that negative events will inevitably happen in the future, often without any rational basis.

• Magnification and Minimization (Catastrophizing): Blowing things out of proportion (magnification) or shrinking their importance (minimization). This can involve making a small mistake into a major catastrophe or dismissing significant accomplishments.

• Personalization: Taking responsibility for events or situations that are beyond one's control, assuming that one is to blame for everything that goes wrong.

• Emotional Reasoning: Believing that feelings are facts and using emotions as evidence for the truth of a situation. For example, "I feel like a failure, so I must be a failure."

• Should Statements: Using critical "should," "must," or "ought" statements about oneself or others. This can lead to self-blame or unrealistic expectations.

• Labeling: Applying negative labels to oneself or others based on specific behaviors or mistakes. For example, defining oneself as "a loser" because of a single failure.

• Control Fallacies: Believing that one has either total control (everything is your fault) or no control (everything happens to you and there's nothing you can do).

Anyone else have experience with them?

I have a couple of days where I can tick off half of them. I typed guilty of them and immediately retracted that. It is not something that I should feel bad about or feel a stigma around. It is my brain working against me and not something I am doing proactively.

So what’s happening when I catch a thinking error?

I am immediately acknowledging the situation and initiating a set of questions I’ve worked out with my therapist depending on the situation. For example, “Why do you think because your coffee spilled all over your bag and yourself that you deserve to sabotage the rest of your day?,” “Why ‘should’ you already be an expert at X just because someone you know who has relative same background as you is,?” etc.

I might think if I was reading this and have never experienced something like this, you’d think this seems so trivial. But really trying to stop an anxiety spiral is TOUGH. Retraining your brain to not immediately go to a negative place feels like a never-ending battle.

My therapist is encouraging me to be kinder to myself during this process and that is hard. Again I’ve been mainly negative to myself for as long as I can remember. Every previous time I have tried this activity, I have not been successful. I wanted to say failed, but I haven’t failed because I haven’t stopped trying.

That I have to celebrate and not trivialise. Since triviliasing positive advancement is also a thinking error. I mean really I feel like in some instances I can’t win. You know?

Even right now as I read this post, my negative thoughts are kicking off:

• Why are you posting?

• No one cares about your little problems compared to what is going on in the world.

• What gives you the right?

I know in my heart that this is good for me. That is the entire reason I started this blog. Was a space for me to remove the thoughts weighing me down (on those shoulders) and freeing up that space. It’s also given me the confirmation that I am not alone and I am not the only one struggling.

To my fellow strugglers - I see you, I am here for you if you need anything.

But he took the time to say “Thank you Dani. That was something very personal and I thank you for sharing with me.”

It is true that mental health, like most battles, is something that we own and we should dictate when and how people know about it. But it is not something we should feel that we need to hide due to potential ridicule from friends, family or the world at large.

It has taken me quite awhile to get to that feeling though…

For so long growing up, I never wanted to appear weak or unhappy. I pushed those depressive and anxiety thoughts down - mainly with food. I would plaster on that smile no matter what so no one would be concerned with how I was feeling.

I tried therapy in the early 2000s, but I did not connect with the therapist at all and their initial feeling was to go straight to medication which I really didn’t think I needed.

It immediately made me stop.

Through those years, I have had a number of friends who either are therapists or go to therapy and I would say I know I need to do it, but I am scared. What if I went and they told me nothing was wrong with me and it was all made up in my head? That is truly what I feared! Anyone feel that?

I tried again when we first moved to Amsterdam in 2018 as I felt so lost. I was living for work and having a hard time finding friends. I found an expat specific therapist, but realised over a quick timeframe that she wasn’t for me. I was paying 100 euro a session and having more anxiety getting to the appointments in relation to relief being felt. So I again just gave up and stopped going.

I’ve been feeling burned out since the first week we arrived in the Netherlands but I grinded it out. Why? I didn’t want to be sent back the US and I put a shit ton of fuckin’ pressure on myself to excel.

There would be ebbs and flows in the workload and the 70-80 hour work weeks from year 1 would reduce down to 50-60. I mean as an “American” that should be normal right? At least that is alot of what I heard as well.

Finally last year the pressure hit the peak and I attempted to go on long-term burnout or sick leave. I kept a lot of this to myself or to my small inner circle - you know who you are and I wouldn’t be sitting here today without your love and support.

It got to the point where I had to tell my manager, which went to her manager which went to the Senior Vice President. I saw the email where it was written “Dani needs help as she is on the cusp of burnout.”

Narrator: She was already burnt out

Initially seeing that in writing to such “big wigs” in the company made me feel so weak, nervous that they would decide I couldn’t handle the job and - being on a visa - send me packing.

Are you seeing that anxiety brain at work there?

That was the point where I finally knew I wasn’t ashamed of where I was. I wanted to instead be open about it and make the area around me a safe space. So if you were feeling in a tough place, you could come to me and I would be a judgement free zone.

Now I am in a space where I openly tell colleagues that I can’t make a meeting because that is when I will be at therapy.

It is making me a better person being open about the struggles.

Am I seen as weaker? I am not sure but I feel stronger and THAT is what I care more about.

Not everyone is in a space where they can be so open and I understand. I want to let you know that I am here as a safe space if you need someone to talk to.

I just hope with more people feeling comfortable to share that:

• It makes it less “taboo” of a subject

• That therapy becomes more accessible to all (it took me 10 months to finally get a spot with a therapist that took my insurance)

I’d love to hear you thoughts as well? Especially if you are a therapist!

Dani - it’s okay. The world kept spinning and I didn’t have a massive panic attack. It occurred and now I can move on and share some of the highlights from the last 2 weeks.

ONE

We took our first weekend trip of the year with Laney to Texel Island (just a 2+ hour trip by car from Amsterdam) near end of June. This was one of the most dog-friendly places we have ever been. She was even able to join us on a boat tour searching for seals. I mean how cool is she? For sure cooler than the wife and I.

I love Laney and am glad we can work on bringing her places but also she is really a third wheel sometimes. Haha. Needing to make sure if we do bring her - we can find places to eat in inclement weather if she is with us. Since it won’t always be 30C and terraces everywhere. But still, I am thankful for the time we have with her as we know there aren’t many years left.

TWO

We actually hit the road two weekends in a row and the first days of July were spent in Luxembourg. This was a 4,5 hour drive from Amsterdam to Luxembourg City on a Thursday night. We both worked from the hotel on Friday so that we could hit the ground running right after work.

But Luxembourg City was a cruel mistress and gave us the best weather of the weekend while we worked away on Friday and hit us with the rain on Saturday.

Now initially this was a tough pill to swallow it was also nice to just slow down and even enjoy a rare afternoon nap.

Luembourg City was a gorgeous historic and hilly city that we would recommend to others. Be ready for the prices as they were much higher than we expected.

Despite the unideal weather/working patterns, we did walk over 30km in 2 days, saw the most historic sights, stumbled upon a charity festival and even took in a Castle.

Overall it was a weekend that reminded us both why we took the opportunity to move to Europe… we wanted to experience different countries, cultures and history!

THREE

I came out of NP Co-leader retirement for 2 weeks to help out friends and boy it felt amazing to be back.

These people fill my heart and soul with happiness. Especially when it comes to the annual #Pride workout. This workout for sure means the most to me every year. It reminds me I have found the right framily (friends turned family) as they support the shit out of me, my wife and the entire LGBTQIA+ community.

In case you don’t know, the Netherlands is the first country in the world to legalise same-sex marriage. This happened on 1 April 2001 and it was NOT an April Fools Joke. While NL still has their fair share of homophobia, I am still thankful to be living and surrounded by a group of people that are so forward-thinking and supportive.

FOUR

Look at this: I did my hair! And this wild mane never looks like I even tried…

I’m working on growing my hair out to make another donation. I have done 2 hair donations in the US (Children With Hair Loss) and 1 donation in the Netherlands. It takes about 2-2,5 years for me to grow my hair out long enough to donate so I am now about 2-8 months away from being able to chop it off and make another donation.

If you are thinking of donating hair, please look into if they charge their clients for the wigs!! This is a BIG piece of information to know before choosing where you will donate. Also whether they accept dyed hair or not. For US friends, Children With Hair Loss does!

FIVE

Our YouTube Channel, Castles and Canals. It’s my time to again shamelessly plug the hard work the wife is doing on this other slice of the internet of ours. It has been amazing to see the fabulous videos she is putting together.

I am thankful that we are able to use that as an excuse to start booking more holidays, visiting the places we have had on our bucket list and overall prioritising the travel we have wanted to do since moving here.

If you can - and haven’t already - please like and subscribe to the channel and follow along on some of the fun adventures we have planned.

We promise it is more than just castles and canals, but we have to hit a few, right?

Well a quick hot take at some of the highlights of the last two weeks!

What do you want to see more of on the blog? I can use the motivation/direction as I have too many thoughts/ideas in my head!

My most recent of 347849343 examples I could share: This Post!

Since the first therapy appointment, I shared with my therapist that I wanted to get back to writing in my little slice of the internet here. So she gave me the homework assignment to do that.

Well okay sure. Let me just jump right back in after basically a 3-year hiatus. But I didn’t look back and I did it.

Flash forward to 15 June and my therapist had to cancel our appointment last minute due to illness and we already had to skip our 22 June session as she would be on holiday. After 3-weeks of meeting, this is our first 2 week break. I feared I wouldn’t be able to keep up my end of the homework bargain when I didn’t see her.

Well folks - I let myself down. Okay not 100% let myself down but with 1 of the 3 homework items.

I do need to claim victories that every day I have still:

• Written down what I did for myself that day (aiming for 60 minutes of me time)

• How I felt in my body after 9,5 hours of working and if I kept working or successfully shut the laptop down

But for the blog post - it was the first to slide.

Why? Why can’t I follow through for myself like I do when my therapist, a friend or family member asks something of me?

Does anyone else suffer from this?

I know this is one of the many topics I will be working on with my therapist, but I am curious if anyone else faces this same struggle.

I am also thinking that when I see my therapist next week, I might need to create one of those punch cards! Ha! We’ve been talking about me saying No and setting healthy boundaries at work and I really think this could help…

This statement took me aback. For one thing, I know the amount of negative thoughts I have in my head isn’t normal. But for anyone to think I am strong for pulling myself out of bed every day and not just tuck away from the world - was something I didn’t expect. I have basically talked myself into thinking what goes on in my head is completely normal, expected and allowed.

I really underestimate the amount I put my mental and physical body through.

It was in that moment that we knew we had to work on turning around those thoughts because the ability to get out of bed each day has been getting harder and harder.

But Dani haven’t you tried this before?

Yes I have but I was facing this alone. Not alone in the sense that my friends didn’t support me, but I only had myself in my accountability. So if I didn’t accomplish the goal (I refuse to say fail) then I wasn’t letting anyone down.

Through Weight Watchers, I learned quickly that once I hit my “goal weight,” that wouldn’t mean that my self-worth would just magically rise. Honestly I had held that in my heart for so long. I can remember being 12-14 years old and telling my aunt “if I lost 50 pounds, I’d be so much happier.” Oh young naive Dani - that wasn’t how it worked when that day would happen.

Self-esteem. Self-love. confidence has always been my achilles heel.

The Most Intrusive Thought?

In our first session she asked me to list out the thoughts that live loudest in my brain. Let me tell you that list was long and wicked negative.

One of the loudest and still reoccurs is: What If I Wasn’t Here?

TW: Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts

I’ve asked myself that question more times than I can count. I vividly remember looking out on to our backyard in high school and envisioning what life would be like if I wasn’t there.

My brain would tell me - the world would keep on spinning, not a single person would notice, there wouldn’t be a blip in a lot of people’s radars.

It would follow me like the little angel and devil on my shoulders, but both being a depressingly negative being. Each time I would try to quiet the voice, it would come back louder and stronger.

It made the thoughts of suicide feel valid. Why not? This voice is saying no one would notice anyway.

While I had amazing friends and family who intervened, the little voice hasn’t gone away.

Sometimes it is quieter than others, but it is there - waiting for me to feel vulnerable and weak to start repeating itself: Why bother? No one would notice. Just end it.

But at this moment in time my rational side is thankfully more resilient and can shout back to the voice: You DO want to be here. There ARE people that will be sad if you aren’t here. Keep fighting.

Will I get the negative voices to ever 100% leave? I am not sure. I’ve gotten so used to having them lurking, waiting for a moment of weakness to strike.

But I would welcome the brain space.

I would love to replace the lengthy list of negative thoughts over time with positive ones.

Here’s to trying and hoping that having my therapist steering me will finally make it happen…

During my first therapy session, we were discussing a few topics:

• Problems

• Coping Mechanisms

• Core Thoughts

• Strengths

After listing a number of items under each column, I was asked which was at the top of my Action list.

For me?

Coping mechanisms

Over the years of working with/on fitness, eating disorders, weight loss & self-esteem, my toolbox of healthy Coping Mechanisms was full and varied.

But unfortunately in 2023, they haven’t been working. Or maybe rather my brain/body wasn’t allowing them to work/have the time to focus on them. So instead I invite you to the UNHEALTHY coping skills that have been overtaking my brain and body in 2023.

You can probably guess it: lack of exercise, emotional eating, withdrawing from people, and more.

None of this was helping and all of that was filling up my list of Coping Mechanisms.

What does running have to do with this?

Well that little 1000 day #RONARunStreak brought me through a lot of dark times from 2020-2022 and with that ending on 26 December, I was feeling a loss of that daily accountability to prioritise me and move that body.

And in agreement with my physical therapist, I was to stop running completely after completing Tokyo Marathon on 5 March.

That means at the time of writing this I haven’t run a single step in 3 months. This is the longest I can think without running since I had my back surgery in January 2011.

You know what? I hate it.

I know I felt burned out on running near the end of the streak, but it was still providing me the nudge to focus on me… if even for 20 minutes a day.

Once that was gone and the marathons weren’t there to train for, it’s gone downhill.

What is the plan now?

With the help of my therapist, I now have a goal of recording 1 hour of “me” time every day. It doesn’t have to be 60 consecutive minutes - thank goodness as I immediately freaked thinking about how days at work have been going - but it is time to focus on things that bring me joy, relax me and most of all - don’t have to do with work!

That’s what I’ve been doing and for 12 days it has forced me to stop and make sure I am taking the time for my own mental health.

Some of the activities have been:

• Coffee walks with friends

• Family walks with the wife and pup

• Riding my Peloton bike

• Writing these blog posts again

• Kayaking

• Game Night

• Picnics

What I’ve noticed for me is that a main source of energy is interacting with my friends and chosen family. While a social situation can potentially be something that depletes energy, I am strategically picking these meet-ups and making sure to not overly plan.

I promised her to make sure there was a balance as one thing I am really bad at is just being and relaxing… you know keeping yourself busy is a great way to avoid feeling those feelings! Your welcome for that hot tip! ;)

But this is forcing me to re-write the list of Healthy Coping Mechanisms that will work for me now. I am looking through the old toolbox to see what might still work, but I am learning - again - that what might’ve worked in 2011 or even 2021 might not work now. And that’s okay!

One trick I am pulling back out of the toolbox is tracking. For me tracking my food and drink intake is what works to make me pause before eating or drinking something to say:

Am I hungry/thirsty or am I sad/mad/frustrated?

This old adage that I learned back in 2009, will keep rearing its head back up just when I need it. Right now I really do. I am noticing I am going to the cupboard or fridge during intense/exhausting points in my day. But now I am not just aimlessly grabbing, I am taking stock of how I am feeling and pivoting: time for a meditation, quick snuggle with Laney.

It doesn’t work every time, but it is - this is sounding familiar - the pause to check in with my emotional/physical state.

I don’t know what the next week will bring, but for as long as I am unable to run - my easy/go-to coping mechanism - I am continuously trying new things to see what can bring that smile to my face, that sense of calm to my anxiety brain and what brings me a little peace of mind.

Do you have any healthy coping mechanisms that work for you? Have you been injured and have to completely pivot to a new go-to coping mechanism?

Or is that just me? From the silence I feel like it is me and a tiny subset of the rest of the world, but a happy little subset that I am happy to be a part of.

Where has my purpose gone?

Well I would love to tell you. What I can tell you in my burnt out, anxiety filled brain is that the 3 things I was holding on to as a major part of my identity for a number of years all disappeared within a 3 month period.

1. I ended my #RONARunStreak on 26 December, 2022 on Day 1000. This was a hard decision, but between my physical therapist and my body both telling me to stop - it was time. Like when the #WOMSStreak ended on Day 828, I wanted to be the decider not an injury. I am thrilled I was able to make it to Day 1000, which was something I always regretted when I ended the #WOMSStreak.

2. On 5 March, I finished the Tokyo Marathon, which was the final star (race) I needed in the Abbott World Majors challenge. For those that don’t know the 6-star challenge means you have completed all 6 of the World Major Marathons: Boston, Chicago, New York, London, Berlin and Tokyo. This challenge was a part of me for 10 years. Now I didn’t know it would be something I would really strive for until 2019 when I earned my 3rd star in Berlin and I realised I was half way there. Then it become a mission. But still something that took 10 years and a lot of hard work, sacrifice, tears, selfies & race lottery luck to make happen.

3. The final nail in this coffin was my retirement as one of the co-leaders of November Project Amsterdam. I stepped down on 29 March and that threw me for a serious loop. I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea how much it would impact my mental and emotional state.

With that emotional trifecta in place, let’s just say April 2023 was one of the darkest months I' have had in years.

Oh right I haven’t posted here consistently in years (which is a whole other side of my anxiety) that I should catch you up a little.

Probably since arriving in the Netherlands in January 2018, I have been dealing with burnout - mainly from work. I kept putting on my “I must just push through” attitude until October 2022 when I hit the peak of excessive burnout. I was following the Dutch guidelines on how to seek out help for burnout/extended sick leave. I will save that journey for another day, but needless to say I was left without any real help and facing another battle… finding a therapist on my own.

Please welcome another five month journey, but now in May - conveniently Mental Health Month - that I can FINALLY say I have found a therapist and had my first session with her last week (25 May).

Even just finally getting an appointment with her made me feel

Can you guess what I’ll say next?

… a weight off my shoulders!

I said that to her during the session and talked about this happy little slice of the internet, which I started on 26 May, 2011. That’s right folks another twist of fate that this site turned 12 just days ago and now I am writing here.

As one of the 4 pieces of homework I was given was to: write a blog post. It didn’t matter how long it was or what it was about. It was just to get back to the act of typing/talking/releasing.

With that very condensed back story in place we return to present day where I feel absolutely lost with what my next step will be.

What is my purpose?

It has changed over the years but at the core is helping, motivating and inspiring people. That feeling of making a difference is missing and I am not sure how or where to find that again.

But it is now my next adventure… so are you ready to hopefully be there along my side - virtually or physically?

Have you had to start over? Where did you pull inspiration?

February 26, 2006 – Hyannis Half Marathon - 2:20:18 (10:43 min/mile pace)

August 14, 2011 – Rock 'n' Roll Chicago - 2:12:15 (10:06 min/mile pace)

January 28, 2012 – F^3 Lake Half - 2:05:40 (9:36 min/mile pace)

July 22, 2012 – Rock 'n' Roll Chicago - 1:51:43 (8:32 min/mile pace)

August 19, 2012 – Rock 'n' Roll Providence - 1:52:58 (8:37 min/mile pace)

October 7, 2012 – B.A.A. Half - 1:48:16 (8:16 min/mile pace)

January 12, 2013 – Walt Disney World Half - 1:48:09 (8:15 min/mile pace)

February 24, 2013 - *Virtual* Half At The Hamptons - 1:58:04 (9:01 min/mile pace)

May 5, 2013 - The Half Of Quincy - 1:44:30 (7:59 min/mile pace)

May 26, 2013 - Boston's Run To Remember - 1:53:00 (8:38 min/mile pace)

September 15, 2013 - Rock 'n' Roll Philadelphia - 1:44:12 (7:57 min/mile pace) ---> PR

September 28, 2103 - ZOOMA Cape Cod Half - 1:47:35 (8:13 min/mile pace)

September 29, 2013 - Rock 'n' Rock Providence - 1:54:22 (8:44 min/mile pace)

October 27, 2013 - Rock 'n' Roll Los Angeles - 1:53:19 (8:39 min/mile pace)

January 11, 2014 - Walt Disney World Half - 2:22:31 (10:53 min/mile pace)

February 2, 2014 - Rock 'n' Roll New Orleans Half - 1:55:43 (8:50 min/mile pace)

May 25, 2014 - Boston's Run To Remember Half - 1:50:58 (8:28 min/mile pace)

June 8, 2014 - Runner's World Heartbreak Hill Half  - 2:08:52 (9:50 min/mile pace)

July 13, 2014 - Old Port Half - 1:57:44 (8:59 min/mile pace)

September 7, 2014 - Pumpkinman Half Ironman (Half Marathon Portion) - 1:59:22 (9:03 min/mile pace)

September 27, 2014 - ZOOMA Cape Cod Half - 1:54:17 (8:43 min/mile pace)

October 12, 2014 - Boston Athletic Association Half - 1:52:58 (8:37 min/mile pace)

October 19, 2014 - Runner's World Half - 2:10:35 (9:58 min/mile pace)

November 16, 2014 – South Shore Half – 1:54:00 (8:42 min/mile pace)

November 23, 2014 – Santa Hustle New England Half – 1:52:28 (8:36 min/mile pace)

December 6, 2014 – Jingle Bell Half – 1:51:37.2 (8:32 min/mile pace)

January 18, 2015 - Star Wars Half - 2:55:11 (13:22 min/mile pace)

February 22, 2015 - Princess Half - 2:00:33 (9:12 min/mile pace)

May 24, 2015 - Boston's Run To Remember Half - 1:52:05 (8:33 min/mile pace) 

July 26, 2015 - Biggest Loser Half (Vermont) - 2:00:06 (subtract 6 minutes for ski lift ride)

September 26, 2015 - ZOOMA Cape Cod Half - 1:47:58 (8:15 min/mile pace)

October 10, 2015 - Rock 'n' Roll Brooklyn Half - 1:50:21 (8:25 min/mile pace)

October 18, 2015 - Runner's World Half - 2:02:52 (9:23 min/mile pace)

December 12, 2015 - Jingle Bell Half - 2:00:30 (9:12 min/mile pace)

January 16, 2016 - Star Wars Half - 2:46:11 (12:41 min/mile pace)

February 28, 2016 - Hyannis Half Marathon - 2:05:13 (9:34 min/mile pace)

April 3, 2016 - Fool's Dual Half Marathon - 1:57:01 (8:56 min/mile pace)

April 17, 2016 - Star Wars Half Marathon - 2:22:58 (10:55 min/mile pace)

May 14, 2016 - Shipyard Maine Coast Half Marathon - 1:55:52 (8:50 min/mile pace)

May 29, 2016 - Boston Run To Remember Half - 2:03:44 (9:27 min/mile pace) 

September 18, 2016 - Rock 'n' Roll Philadelphia Half Marathon - 2:04:02 (9:28 min/mile pace)

September 25, 2016 - Rock 'n' Roll Montreal Half Marathon - 2:13:37 (10:12 min/mile pace) 

October 8, 2016 - Rock 'n' Roll Brooklyn Half Marathon - 1:58:07 (9:01 min/mile pace)

October 23, 2016 - Newburyport Half - 1:54:13 (8:43 min/mile pace)

November 6, 2016 - Wine & Dine Half Marathon - 2:11:14 (10:01 min/mile pace) 

November 13, 2016 - Cambridge Half - 2:09:13 (9:52 min/mile pace)

November 19, 2016 - YMCA of Metro North Half Marathon - 2:16:14 (10:24 min/mile pace)

December 4, 2016 - Jingle Bell Half - 2:07:11 (9:43 min/mile pace)

January 15, 2017 - Star Wars Half Marathon - 2:47:10 (12:46 min/mile pace)

February 26, 2017 - Hyannis Half Marathon - 2:15:53 (10:22 min/mile pace)

April 30, 2017 - Earth Run Rock Half Marathon - 1:57:11 (8:57 min/mile pace)

May 28, 2017 - Boston Run To Remember Half - 2:08:14 (9:47 min/mile pace)

August 27, 2017 - Ironman Maine 70.3 (Half Marathon Portion) - 1:59:11 (9:06 min/mile pace)

September 24, 2017 - Rock 'n' Roll Montreal Half Marathon - 2:15:17 (10:20 min/mile pace)

October 14, 2017 - Rock 'n' Roll Brooklyn Half Marathon - 2:40:02: (12:13 min/mile pace)

October 22, 2017 - Newburyport Half Marathon - 2:24:14 (11:00 min/mile pace)

November 5, 2017 - Disney Wine and Dine Half Marathon - 2:59:19 (13:41 min/mile pace)

November 12, 2017 - Rock 'n' Roll Vegas Half - 3:11:18 (14:36 min/mile pace)

December 10, 2017 - Jingle Bell Half Marathon - 2:18:08 (10:33 min/mile pace)

January 6, 2018 - Walt Disney World Half Marathon - 4:14:19 (19:25 min/mile pace)

May 20, 2018 - Rock n Roll Liverpool Half Marathon - 2:03:20 (9:25 min/mile pace)

August 12, 2018 - Rock n Roll Dublin Half Marathon - 2:34 (7:14 min/km pace)

September 23, 2018 - Disneyland Paris Half Marathon - 3:19:11 (9:27 min/km pace)

October 21, 2018 - Mizuno Amsterdam Half Marathon - 2:15:52 (10:22 min/km pace)

September 22, 2019 - Disneyland Paris Half Marathon - 2:40:15 (7:25 min/km pace)

August 23, 2020 - Virtual Seawheeze Half Marathon - 1:59:23 (5:39 min/km pace)

October 10, 2021 - Leiden Half Marathon - 2:12:11

July 31, 2022 - Rotterdam Half Marathon - 1:53:21 (5:23 min/km pace)

December 11, 2022 - Jingle Bell Half Marathon - 2:02:57

January 7, 2023 - Disney World Half Marathon - 2:24:14

Marathons x 25 -- click on race name to read the recap

September 24, 2006 - Clarence De Mar Marathon - 5:59:27 (13:43 min/mile pace)

November 3, 2012 - Rock 'n' Roll Savannah Marathon - 3:58:49 (9:07 min/mile pace)

April 15, 2013 - The 117th Boston Marathon - 4:04:08 (9:18 min/mile pace)

January 12, 2014 - Walt Disney World Marathon - 4:45:57 (10:55 min/mile pace)

April 21, 2014 - 118th Boston Marathon - 5:31:18 (12:39 min/mile pace)

April 26, 2014 - Rock 'n' Roll Nashville Marathon - 4:42:12 (10:46 min/mile pace)

April 20, 2015 - 119th Boston Marathon - 4:12:09 (9:37 min/mile pace)

May 31, 2015 - Rock 'n' Roll San Diego Marathon - 4:34:42 (10:29 min/mile pace)

November 7, 2015 - Rock 'n' Roll Savannah Marathon - 4:52:43 (11:01 min/mile pace) 

May 15, 2016 - Shipyard Maine Marathon - 4:38:26 (10:37 min/mile pace) 

July 9, 2016 - Bear Brook Trail Marathon (actually 30 miles) - 7:38:28

April 17, 2017 - 121st Boston Marathon - 4:53:51 (11:13 min/mile pace) 

October 8, 2017 - Chicago Marathon - 4:57:01 (11:20 min/mile pace) 

January 7, 2018 - Walt Disney World Marathon - 7:14:15 (16:34 min/mile pace)

April 15, 2019 - Paris Marathon - 4:54:42 (6:58 min/km pace)

September 29, 2019 - Berlin Marathon - 4:24:46 (6:16 min/km pace)

October 4, 2020 - Virtual London Marathon - 3:58: 44 (5:40 min/km pace)

October 3, 2021 - London Marathon - 3:58:02 ---> PR

October 17, 2021 - Amsterdam Marathon - 4:04:18 (5:47 min/km pace)

November 7, 2021 - New York City Marathon - 3:59:03

April 10, 2022 - Rotterdam Marathon - 4:18:08 (6:07 min/km pace)

October 9, 2022 - Eindhoven Marathon - 4:13:41 (6:01 min/km pace)

November 13, 2022 - Athens Marathon - 4:44:46

January 8, 2023 - Disney World Marathon - 5:29:17

March 5, 2023 - Tokyo Marathon - 5:19:34

Ultra Marathon x 3 -- click on race name to read the recap

August 13, 2016 - TARC 40-miler - 10:09:01 (15:14 min/mile pace)

December 5, 2020 - “Big V” 65km - 6:37:23 (6:07 min/mile pace)

May 7, 2022 - Malta 50k - 8:57:08

5k

1st: March 20, 2005 - Rás na hÉireann - 38:21
Current PR: June 7, 2015 - Freedom Run - 21:46

10k

1st: April 30, 2006 - James Joyce Ramble - 1:04:33
Current PR: October 12, 2015 - Tufts Health Plan 10k For Women - 47:10

Half Marathon

1st: February 26, 2006 – Hyannis Half Marathon - 2:20:18
Current PR: September 15, 2013 - Rock 'n' Roll Philadelphia - 1:44:12

Marathon

1st: September 24, 2006 - Clarence De Mar Marathon - 5:59:27
Current PR: October 3, 2021 - London Marathon - 3:58:02

I saw the picture below (left) on 1 November 2009, the day after Halloween, I had hated how I looked but really how I felt in that picture. Uncomfortable in my own skin and wanting to retreat out of the picture as much as possible.

Note: If you don’t know I am 1/2 the team of Silver Snakes from Legends of the Hidden Temple. The most winningest team in the show’s history. Just sayin’! ;)

I walked into my first WW meeting on 2 November 2009 and never looked back. WW, not only helped me lose 62 pounds/28,1kg, but it improved my relationship with food, taught me tips on how to recognise emotional eating and allowed me the space to work on self-love (the thing I have and continue to struggle with the most).

In 2012, I hit Lifetime with WW (this means you hit your goal weight - that you decide - and maintain for 6 weeks). Around that time I actually started working for WW as a Receptionist then Leader. To this date, it is one of the most fulfilling roles I have ever played. I had the honour to be a small part of people’s journeys to change their lifestyles/lives.

Again for me and many others, WW isn’t just about the pounds lost but the life gained.

Now in the following years from 2012-2015, I did a relative good job of keeping the weight off. I would gain some back, refocus with the support of friends/my meetings and inevitably get back to goal or close enough to.

But in October 2015, I left WW and started a full-time office job. Within the first month I regained 10 pounds/4,5kg that I could just never lose and kept tacking back on to it. I finally got close to being back at goal in 2017 when life changed again… we made the decision to take this amazing job opportunity and move to The Netherlands.

When we arrived, I vowed to get back on track and join the WW in The Netherlands. They had 1 meeting in English on Saturday mornings, which the wife and I would attend. Now that was a great comfort being with other ex-pats who had also been with WW for awhile in their home countries.

But the biggest hiccup for me was tracking. Tracking really changed my relationship with food and working to stop seeing it as a way to soothe a problem (for just one example).

Have you ever had those moments where you eat a bunch of shit to get back at someone but it’s like you get all the calories and not them? No? Just me? Cool cool cool!

The issue here was the Dutch app was well in Dutch. I could’ve used the American app but it didn’t have the local products already loaded in. At the beginning I saw this as a way to “practice my Dutch,” but really it became a huge frustration on trying to quickly track something or look something up. Since I would go to Google Translate first.

What would I do then? Just not track or half track.

And with the meetings being only on Saturday mornings, we could go a month without going if we were traveling (remember when you could do that? Ha).

I had found some success during the winter of 2018 since I wasn’t traveling as much and refocusing. But it quickly came back on when we work stress picked up, work travel escalated and we were both just getting lazy.

I finally had enough. In January of this year, I finally said no more. I couldn’t keep giving money away if I wasn’t going to be fully committed.

It was BIZARRE to not be a WW member anymore after all that time.

As the beginning of 2020 started to see COVID cases and our travel to Tokyo for the marathon in March was canceled and the lockdowns started, which halted all of the work travel. I saw the writing on the wall that THIS was my time to finally go 100% all in on reclaiming my health and stop all the talk.

We were able to sneak a week-long trip to Disney World Florida right before the Lockdown started in Amsterdam and seeing the photos only motivated me to make a change.

Enter MyFitnessPal stage left on 12 March.

I had briefly dabbled in MFP before but just to compare it to WW since I was never a calorie counter. But I thought it’s free, it has a good database of local Dutch products and it was in English. :)

I didn’t want to overwhelm myself so I gradually brought back the healthy habits I had learned through WW.

I also recommitted to my lovely Peloton bike.

But most importantly I wanted 2 things:

1. To be consistent - I had chosen that for the mantra before but hadn’t stuck with it for more than say a month

2. To be kind to myself - I knew I would want to see results overnight but I needed to take a step back and start recommitting to the things that had worked for me in the past

I then started streaking… c’mon folks not that kind. You dirty minds you. ;)

I used the Simple Habits app and every week or 2 I would add another habit I wanted to work on:

• Peloton cycling ride AND a Stretch 10 March

• Tracking on 12 March

• 100oz/3L of water on 12 March

• Daily meditation (min 5 min) on 17 March

• #Plankaday (holding a plank for at least 1 minute) on 23 March

• #RONARunStreak (running for at least 20 minutes) on 1 April

• 12,000 steps on my FitBit on 1 April

• Peloton strength class (min 10 minutes) on 6 May

Now this might seem overwhelming and alot, but since it was a gradual increase I was able to fit it around my work day. Plus I wasn’t commuting or really going anywhere so I had the time. Haha.

I was able to track for 190-consecutive days before I missed a day. It was the longest I had done that. Yes there were days I went over, but I just owned any decision I made and used it as feedback.

You are probably wondering how I felt switching from Points (WW) to Calories (MFP). I honestly through it would be a SUPER hard adjustment, but it wasn’t. The act of tracking is really the same either way whether it be 26pts a day or 1500calories. For me it was getting back into the mindset of do I really want this? Is it worth the calories?

1 100% eat back my calories from my workouts. It might not have been all of them but most of the time it was a large amount of them. I handled Fitness Points/Activity Points the same way with WW.

I got back into the groove of tracking, weighing and measuring and planning. Oh it felt like putting on a pair of old pants that just fit sooo right.

I didn’t cut anything out, I just got back to not having something every day so that I would enjoy it more when I did have it. Ever have that? Sometimes foods just stop having that taste until you spread out when you have it. More of a treat. I did reduce the booze, but would still a glass or 2 of wine every night - but not the night before weigh-in. :)

We did start using Hello Fresh in March and that made a huge difference. We have been able to try out some foods we hadn’t tried before and were ordering takeaway far less. Hello Fresh provided all of the nutritional facts so I could easily track them as well.

I made every Wednesday Weigh-In day. I had done every day in the book during my WW times, but with the current situation I just like a little mid-week check-in especially since I tend to go a little bigger on the weekends.

Little by little the pounds/kilos were coming off and I was feeling stronger. The back pain wasn’t as prevalent as I wasn’t lugging around as much extra. The workouts started feeling more manageable. The knee pain reduced since there was less pressure on them while running.

And on 2 September - it happened - I reached goal again for the first time since 2015!

Ooohhh it felt freakin’ amazing.

Yes I know that life is more than a number on the scale but it was something that I had been working hard towards and wasn’t sure it would happen again.

Yes I judge health on more than a number on the scale, which is why I shared above how fitness (Peloton cycling, strength, running) played such a role in 2020 as well.

Yes I can allow myself to be happy about what I saw that day. YOU determine what makes you happy.

Losing weight is exciting, but maintaining is a whole different beast. You are no longer excited by a lower number on the scale because you want to see the same/similar number.

For the past 2 months, I changed MyFitnessPal to maintenance mode. That was scary as the base calories increased by almost 900. I immediately got that pit in my stomach that I would fuck this all up. But I needed to trust the science behind MFP. I also made sure I wasn’t going to just start eating shit again because I had extra calories.

I also shifted my focus to NSVs (Non-Scale Victories): a faster pace in my run, increasing the weight during one of my strength sessions, fitting back into my clothes from 2015 (the last time I was at this weight), etc.

I can now say I have been able to maintain. Today I was 151 pounds/68,5kg, which is 4 pounds/1,8kg under goal.

I am feeling the fittest I ever have. I am regaining my speed while running. I am getting my confidence back.

This really has been the best year for my health and fitness since 2015 and I am thankful that I made that decision back in March to FINALLY take advantage of a shitty situation and use it as fuel.

I don’t know what 2021 and the future will hold, but I am feeling ready to face it. I don’t want to go back to how I was feeling in March and for the 2 years before then. I want to keep gaining momentum on how I feel today and have felt for the last 8 months.

Have you been able to find a positive side to 2020?

Now after my wife has made comment after comment of “maybe you should blog” or “writing a blog post would probably make you feel better” I finally am sitting down to give myself the permission to just write. Somewhere along the way I forgot that this little blog was started to give me a space to share/open up and if people read it cool - but deep down it was for me to stop shoving down my feelings/successes/failures with food and instead getting them - wait for it - off my shoulders. ;)

Once again my wife was right… don’t tell her people! It will go straight to her head, but yes she was write. I needed to just sit down and:

1. Update the about section on this thing - did you know it still had 12 marathons and 3 weeks ago I actually ran number 17! #Embarassing

2. Remove the many ambassadorships that went by the wayside when I moved abroad - more on that later

3. Took a quick scan on the Race calendar post for 2020 to see how many had to be removed and how many virtual races had to be added

4. Just remember that I am not known for waxing poetically about anything but for being authentic to who I am - which usually means a lot of selfies (I was going to say too many but there are never too many selfies and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise) and a F-bomb (or two)!

Now that the housekeeping is out of the way.

I am now snuggling up on the couch with a snoring pup, a comfy duvet and a delicious local IPA on this rainy Sunday afternoon/evening in Amsterdam to get back to that word vomit I love so well.

In case you have forgotten… this is me!

Note: I only where this cape in 2020. On every WebEx call for work. On every NP Amsterdam workout. On every run. Too much?

Note Edit: I wish I wore this every day but now I might need to…

In 2020, I have written one blog post to date, which was about a fundraiser event I did for The Stroke Association for The London Marathon. A much-needed post, but that was back in April.

But so much has happened this year both good and bad. But I am so tired of my brain focusing on the trouble happening within my own mind and in the world as a whole (especially back in my home country). So right now I want to try and focus on some of the shining moments in 2020.

While I was doing a ride with Robin on my Peloton today, Robin said when the world is struggling we need to celebrate the good when we can. Well it is time to do some of that now.

On 20 February, we found out the Tokyo Marathon was canceled. That was going to be the true kickoff to a year of travel for us: Tokyo (including Tokyo Disney), London for the London Marathon, Stockholm for the wife’s 40th birthday and more. But before things truly kicked off in Europe, we were able to pivot our first-ever 2 week holiday to Tokyo to a 1 week trip to Disney World in Florida. The wife did a fantastic job acting fast, a cast member friend of ours helped us out with a sweet discount on a hotel and off we went to our Happy Place. It was the first time we were back since January 2018 - days before we moved to Amsterdam. It was outstanding to see how the park had changed, we soaked up the sun and seeing some friends (little did I know it would be the last time we would step foot in the US in 2020 - I would’ve hugged them tighter).

But we lived up our time there and one of the highlights was FINALLY getting to take the Tangled lantern photo I had seen countless friends, and strangers, post about for years.

Within a week of returning the first lockdown officially happened and the “new normal” began. With no work travel for the foreseeable future, I took this opportunity to FINALLY refocus on my health. I had been trying to focus on it for years, but constantly letting work stress/emotional eating/travel get the front seat. This was going to be my opportunity.

I am happy to say it paid off. In 2020, I have been able to shed 40 lbs/18 kg/2.8 stone and I feel 1,000 times better. Not only does it feel better on my surgically repaired back, but I have been much more consistent with strength training this year which is also making a huge difference.

While I was happy to see a number on the scale I hadn’t seen since 2015, I have been more pleased with how strong I am feeling. The fact that I can actually do pushups - well I can do more than 1 at a time. ;)

The theme to 2020 was definitely health, fitness and wellness. I think that has been the most noticeable from my friends and family. But we had a couple pretty exciting non-health related adventures:

BUYING OUR FIRST HOUSE!!!

LEASING A CAR

We had made it long enough with using a shared car service that we finally figured out financially it was better to lease our own!

THE WIFE TURNED 40!

Our Amsterdam family really turned out to celebrate here with some kayaking and a picnic!

Buuuuttt there are some sport-related ones I need to share too:

CELEBRATED MY 1,000th PELOTON RIDE

I honestly would’ve been lost this year without my Peloton bike/app. It has allowed me to cry, laugh, sweat and smile away a LOT of stress!!

NOVEMBER PROJECT AMSTERDAM POSITIVITY AWARD

This was such a special surprise. When Antoinette was discussing the recipient, I thought it was definitely someone else in the group but it was little ‘ol me!

#RONARunStreak

I started my longest run streak since the epic 828 day #WOMSStreak! Today marked Day 208…

And last (for now) but certainly not least…

VIRTUAL LONDON MARATHON & A 5-SECOND PR

I will be able to put into words what that day means to me soon (I promise) but for now you can see just a snippet of how lucky I was to have this amazing support crew!

Well friends… this has seriously put a smile on my face! I am glad I sat down and shared some of the few good spots of 2020! There have been more for sure, but this is a good little start.

I don’t want to set myself up for failure by trying to commit myself to X number of posts, but this little exercise reminded me 1) how much I missed this and 2) how much more time I have on a Sunday when I am not marathon training. Hahaha!!

Did you all enjoy this? Can you share some successes you had? You know I love to cheer you all on!

4 May - Virtual BRU 5.4k - 29:12 (5:25 min/km pace)

12 July - Virtual DJ Flyon On Fire Run 5k - 23:01 (4:36 min/km pace)

23 August - Virtual Seawheeze Half Marathon - 1:59:23 (5:39 min/km pace)

4 October - Virtual London Marathon - 3:58:44 (5:40 min/km pace)

What's on your 2020 schedule?

The first 5 marathons were with Tedy’s Team/American Heart Association (raising $36,000) and the 6th was with the UK-based Stroke Association (raising €1000).

For London Marathon, I once again teamed up with The Stroke Association and have committed to raise €2500 to support Stroke Survivors and Stroke research. As of today I am 55% to my goal & I can’t thank everyone that has donated to such a good cause enough.

Despite the race being delayed until October (Fingers Crossed it still happens), the London Marathon charities are seeing a reduction in funds due of course to the impact of the CoronaVirus. As a result, the #TwoPointSixChallenge was born.

People are challenged to complete some activity based on 2 and 6 or 2.6 or 26 on 26 April to help save these important UK charities.

So for my part, I am…

Taking 26 Peloton Classes Back-to-Back
In One Afternoon

This should take me between 4-5 hours which is the average range of my marathon finish times. :)

How will this work?

Starting at around 13:30 CET, I will be clipping in to my Peloton bike and starting the Tour de PeloTens. The PeloTens is taking one class with each of the 23 Peloton Instructors, but the classes have to be a minimum of 10 min in length. This should take about 250 minutes (just over 4 hours).

Additionally you cannot take a break in between the 23 classes must be done one right after the other!

I will follow those 23 classes up with 3 additional classes (meditation, yoga and stretching).

This will bring my total classes to 26 and should bring the entire challenge to just under 5 hours.

How can you take part?

Of course! You can ride right alongside me if you want - virtually of course. All you would need is the Peloton bike or the Peloton app and a stationary bike. You can follow me on the leaderboard at IrishEyes1982.

Here is the order of the 23 rides I will take:

How can you cheer me on?

I will be checking in throughout the challenge on my Instagram stories (Follow me here) and will try to post on Facebook/Twitter as well. As much as I can covered in sweat and trying not to stop pedaling. ;)

How can you support The Stroke Association?

Please head on over to my my JustGiving page to donate. Every little bit counts, but if you want to stay on a theme how about $26/€26/£26!!!!

DONATE HERE

I know these are tough times so it might be hard to financially support this charity, but I would still appreciate your moral support and if you could please spread the awareness to BE FAST when it comes to knowing the warning signs of Stroke!

13 April - Paris Breakfast Run - * Un-timed * 37:24

14 April - Paris Marathon - 4:54:22

11 May - Boston Marine Corps Honor Run 5k - 29:17 (5:51 min/km pace)

16 June - LadiesRun Rotterdam 5k - 24:17 (4:51 min/km pace)

30 June - PopUp Run Amsterdam 10k - 54:54 (5:29 min/km pace)

20 September - Disneyland Paris 5k - * Un-timed * 1:11:45

21 September - Disnyeland Paris 10k - * Un-timed * 1:04:08

22 September - Disneyland Paris Half - * Un-timed * 2:40:15 (7:25 min/km pace)

29 September - Berlin Marathon - 4:24:46

20 October - TCS Amsterdam 8k - 48:39 (6:05 min/km pace)

14 December - Ugly Sweater Run 5k - * Un-timed* 32:39 (6:32 min/km pace)

When he passed away on 27 December 2012, I was devastated and in the middle of training for my first Boston Marathon with Tedy’s Team in his honor.

Tedy’s Team started in 2005, after Tedy Bruschi suffered a stroke at the age of 31. Tedy was in the prime of his life, he had just won his 3rd Super Bowl as a member of the New England Patriots and just returned from his first Pro Bowl in Hawaii.

Tedy and his wife, Heidi, did not know the warning signs of stroke and were unaware his symptoms were stroke related. During his recovery, Tedy and Heidi approached the American Stroke Association to support them in their creation of Tedy’s Team.

When Tedy’s Team was created, the main goal was to raise awareness of the signs and symptoms of stroke, and to break the stigma of who can have a stroke.

More than a group training for a historic race, Tedy’s Team became family over the next five years as I ran 4 Boston Marathons, 1 Rock n Roll Nashville Marathon and 2 Falmouth Road Races with this amazing group of people.

With the fanastic support of friends, family and blog readers,
I raised $36,000 to #FightStroke with Tedy’s Team.

While I originally applied to Tedy’s Team to run in honor of my Grampa, the number of people I know affected by Stroke has grown and has my list of #StrokeHeroes.

While Tedy’s Team doesn’t have many races in Europe, I was lucky enough to find a spot with the Stroke Association (out of the UK) team for the 2019 Berlin Marathon.

Together we raised just over 1,000 EURO to help #FightStroke.

Lacing up my sneakers and running in honor of my Stroke Heroes keeps them close to me, especially my Grampa who is the only one no longer here with us.

So it is my honor to share that I have teamed up with the Stroke Association (UK) once again and I will be running the 2020 London Marathon in honor of those very same Stroke Heroes mentioned above.

This is an absolute thrill.

This will be my:

• 18th marathon

• 5th world major

• 7th marathon to help #FightStroke

I have set a fundraising goal of 2,000 EURO. If you are so inclined, I would love a donation to help me get there. It can be in honor of my one of my Stroke Heroes or one of your own!

Donate Today

If you are unable to donate monetarily, I absolutely understand. I would still appreciate your moral support and if you could please spread the awareness to BE FAST when it comes to knowing the warning signs of Stroke!

On 13 January 2018, we said goodbye to our friends, family & the pups (well thankfully we were only separated from them for a couple of weeks until they joined us) in Amsterdam.

On 14 January 2018, we arrived in Amsterdam after a long one-way flight through Dublin to Amsterdam. We hit the ground running to get our life in order and find long-term housing (we only had 4 weeks in the temporary housing provided by my company).

It is no secret that I struggled to find my footing here. Since work has been ruling my life, I put finding friends and having a work-life balance second.

I have been told by many other ExPats that it truly takes a good two years to find your way as an ExPat in your new country. And you know what? They were right!

While work is still ruling my world and my brain space, something shifted a couple of months ago when it came to having this place feel like home.

I’ve been really enjoying my time with November Project Amsterdam and am really grateful for the people and positivity it has brought into my life.

While I still don’t feel 100% at home (like yes I am still trying too hard), the pros and acceptance are overpowering the anxiety! So we need to call that a serious win.

I’m thankful that the NP tribe also has spilled over into other workout days, Sunday long runs and testing out free local workouts.

I’ve been wanting to try countless local trails and workouts, but was nervous to do it alone. Now I feel like I can reach out to a group of folks and at least ask if they want to go with me. They might say no, but at least I am asking.

Seriously this move set my confidence back a million paces and I am slowly chopping back at it! Confidence you will be mine again.

I know I need to do some longer posts to really flush out how I am truly working on the inside: anxiety, depression & emotional eating. But for now I am happy to share a little update and tell you about 2 pretty fun workouts I did the last 2 weeks with Lululemon Amsterdam.

So to beat a dead horse here (metaphorically), I have wasted almost 2 years of living here fearful of trying a free workout alone so I’ve missed out on a number of the Lululemon Amsterdam opportunities. But the past 2 weeks with 4-5 other NP folks I said YES!

Last week (27 October), we took part in the Meditation 5k. This was in Vondelpark (which is like the Central Park of Amsterdam) and it all happened within the headphones we wore. The music and the motivational meditative guidance by Jochem van Hessenwas was done through these headphones.

This was definitely out of my comfort zone, but so much fun. We ran a 5k but around each kilometer marker we stopped to either do a meditation, stretch, do a trust exercise (guiding each other while blindfolded), search for a free prize in the playground, sprints or actually look each other in the eye! It was definitely something I would do again. Especially since we ended with a cheer tunnel and free breakfast.

Today (3 November) we took part in a Functional Training with Ben Visser where we focused on core work with an emphasis on correct form over number of repetitions. Something I appreciated after he mentioned he is also a Crossfit coach & I know that group is really focused on reps.

Honestly this hour flew and I think I was the sweatiest person in the room. Who knew such little motions could lead to piles of sweat on my mat. I promise I cleaned it thoroughly post workout. ;)

I can’t wait to check out some more classes post Boston-trip in December.

But for now I am happy to report I am on the healing train and starting to feel a little more whole each day!

What sorts of things would you like to know from my ExPatLife journey? You all know I am an open book!

We try really hard not to re-use or if we do to do a mash-up, but sometimes like gets in the way and we double or in the case of Rey triple up! ;)

I get amazing compliments on the fantastic costumes that my wife puts together for me. I thought it would be fun to put them all in one place. So enjoy the journey…

Note: If you see a link that is a clickable link to the race report for that run!

2013

WDW Half Marathon - Jessie From Toy Story

This was my first-ever Run Disney race! All I knew was I had to dress up in a costume and take as many character photos as possible.

This was the introduction to my Run Disney obsession…. it was also the one and only time I have PRed at a Disney race. Even with stopping at every character stop I PRed. Since that day I have always PRed in FUN at a Run Disney race. Haha.

2014

WDW 5k - Minnie Mouse

We went super simple since this was race 1 of the inaugural Dopey Challenge!

WDW 10k (Inaugural) - Tink

Had a great time running the inaugural race with my girl Krissy… the Tiger Lilly to my Tink! :)

WDW Half Marathon - Jessie From Toy Story

Yes I doubled up on Jessie, but the wife wanted to try the costume again after the first shirt bled too much during the run.

I’m also still sad the race photog pic of Woody and I never showed up!

WDW Marathon - Snow White

The wife did a fantastic job making this shirt! It was breathable yet were perfect!

I think you can tell I got a TAD excited seeing Dopey with one mile to go to finish the inaugural Dopey Challenge!!

2015

Star Wars 5k (Disneyland) - Ewok

Star Wars 10k (Disneyland) - Chewbacca

On this day I was lucky enough to even make it on to the Run Disney Facebook page for the race!! It was the action shot of me running down Main Street…

Star Wars Half (Disneyland) — Darth Vader

Princess 5k (Frozen 5k) — Rock Troll From Frozen

Oh and you may not know this, but that the pic of Minnie and I was tweeted out by the official Run Disney twitter account!

My favorite moment of the race was seeing Anna and Elsa in EPCOT and having Anna recognize me as a Rock Troll!!! As I ran up to them Anna yelled: "Well someone looks ready for a rock troll wedding."

Princess 10k (Enchanted 10k) — Maleficent

Princess Half — Evil Queen

Yes I ran with a Styrofoam ball as the apple… I was having a ball “in character!” The wife made the white collar that held up really well in the Florida heat.

2016

Star Wars 5k (Disneyland) — REY

Star Wars 10k (Disneyland) — Duck Solo (Donald Duck + Hans Solo mash-up)

Star Wars Half (Disneyland) — Chewbacca As A Wilderness Explorer (mash-up)

Star Wars 5k (Disney World - Inaugural) - Storm Trooper

How amazing is the shirt design that the wife drew by hand????

Star Wars 10k (Disney World - Inaugural) - Robot From Star Tours

This might be one of my top 3 costumes of all of my Run Disney races!! That isn’t ONLY because I made it in to Buzzfeed thanks to this costume.

Star Wars Half Marathon (Disney World - Inaugural) - REY

Yes I reused the costume because there aren’t a WHOLE LOT of Star Wars characters to use. Haha.

Wine & Dine 5k (Mickey’s Holiday 5k) — Fifi The Featherduster From Beauty & The Beast

This was the first time I tried to help the wife out with the costume. So I made the tutu that I wore and… I hated every minute of it. Ha! I am 100% a Sparkle Athletic skirt girl not a tutu girl. It kept shifting and the long pieces were getting stuck in between my legs when I ran or parted in a weird way! Personally I wouldn’t run in a longer tutu again.

Inaugural Wine & Dine 10k — Joy From Inside Out

I had a hard time keeping the wig on so I spent a lot of my energy trying to keep it looking goods for pics.

So yes if you are wondering I did in fact run the entire 10k holding the large “memory ball” aka a styrofoam ball.

Wine & Dine Half — Judy Hopps

The wife made my vest. It held up pretty well until around Mile 9/10 then I was sweating so much and it was so hot in Florida that the sticky side of the velcro was coming off the vest. :( Luckily I acted like MacGyver and used the safety pins from my bib to reattach the vest so I could finish the race in costume. ;)

The utility belt was a great way to hold my GU!!

2017

Star Wars 5k — Rey (re-used from 3rd time)

Star Wars 10k (Disneyland)) — Prince Leia As A Fireside Girl (mash up)

Of course we pay attention to detail so for Leia the Fireside girl patches had to be Star Wars related!

Star Wars Half (Disneyland) — Ewok

You can see that since the Star Wars 5k in 2015, we upped our game! The wife made me this amazing headpiece and it still one of my favorite pieces she’s made.

The wife made the amazing headpiece for me. It was built off a headband so it stayed perfectly in place when paired with my Sparkly Soul headband.

Wine & Dine 5k (Fall Feast 5k) — Fireside Girl from Phineas & Ferb

How amazing is the Fireside Girl handbook the wife made? It is made of foam and has a cut out inside the book to hold my GU or phone! She is a genius.

Wine & Dine 10k — Haunted Mansion Stretching Room Painting

Note: I actually walked out of the Haunted Mansion in 3rd grade (my first trip to Disney) and never returned until 2014 when the wife finally talked me into going on the ride. Let’s just say it wasn’t as scary as I built it up to in my head…

Yes the wife made my puffy sleeves and sewed them on to a purple tank top!

Wine & Dine Half — Vacation Genie From Aladdin

When the moment happens… Mile 11 I turned and THERE HE WAS!!!!

Yes the wife ordered the orange shirt off amazon then designed the red pieces of fabric to look pretty close to Genie’s pattern. She then made the golf club and suitcase out of foam so they were super lightweight to carry!

2018

WDW 5k - Wilderness Explorer

I realized before my second #DopeyChallenge that I hadn’t used the general Wilderness Explorer costume before. :)

WDW 10k - Sonny Eclipse (From Magic Kingdom Restaurant)

Sometimes I really like to challenge the wife on my costumes and this was one of them! I was nervous that no one would recognize it, but then I knew Run Disney runners are Disney freaks like me!

WDW Half Marathon - Holland Girl From Small World

This race took place exactly one week before the wife and I moved from Boston to the Netherlands so this costume was fitting!

WDW Marathon - Pinocchio

Disneyland Paris 5k - Tweedledum

Disneyland Paris 10k - Fairy Godmother

This might’ve been the toughest task I gave to the wife… a cape! But she knocked it out of the park! Yes she made this cape from scratch.

Disneyland Paris Half Marathon - Ewok (re-used)

We had limited time to prepare 3 costumes so I opted to reuse the Ewok since I loved the headpiece so much!! :)

2019

Disneyland Paris 5k - Fireside Girl (re-used)

Disneyland Paris 10k - Star Tours Robot (re-used)

Disneyland Paris Half Marathon - Fairy Godmother (re-used)

Total RunDisney Races: 36
Number Of Those In Disneyland Paris: 6

Check in to see what happens in 2020! :)