We bomb the s#it out the *-word.  

Yes, that's true.  Expletive repeated 732 times in

F*cking Inn

and

&ucking %hicken,

plus the Wrong Foot Song,

clean as a whistle.

Does it matter?  In the end, you still need to clean out the lint.

My dear Mishaga,

     I write this with the last ink of my space pen.  You know the one that writes upside down?  It never ceases to amaze or amuse me when I lie on my back and see the words appear on my Captain Midnight Space Tablet.  

     I used to laugh at you for stalking those porch sales.  It's nothing but junk from past civilizations, I said.  But I'm not laughing now.  It my most treasured possession.  Like the ink that flows up out of my pen, so do the tears from my eyes as I lie in my bunk knowing you are safe at home with our pets.

     How is Beeny?  Does he still bite off his tail?  And has Cecil learned to use the urinal yet?  I had my doubts about getting an Orangadoodle.  Frankly, just wasn't a big fan of cross breeding, even though I married you, my little hydrid human home entertainment center.  I'm sure he gives you the companionship you deserve.  The companionship I will never be able to.  

     I promised myself I wouldn't burden you with morose musings.  I need to follow the advice I give my crew, to be brave, to be loyal and to take no quarters from the enemy.  They jam the coin slots.

Your Man in Space Always,

Frank

Frank D. Slipdewitch, Capt.

sudsboss34@spacemail.orb

@fdaloadyo_45

In an interstellar medium of gas dust and dark matter, a lonely traveler spins forward at hydrosonic velocity fighting wrinkles in the time continuum with payload, front load, top load and stackable.  Destiny?  Murky.  But mission steadfast.  Deliver the whitest whites and brightest colors, in the Cartugal Star Rim Cluster and Surrounding Nebulae.  It's total decontamination and no static cling aboard SkyWash … Dry 'N Fold.  

Part One:  The Sorting.

We meet the crew aboard the IGLS (Intergalactic Laundry Ship) 4219 EJ K36& 7:

Captain Frank Slipdewitch--a good man, but on the downside of an undistinguished career, torn between his loyalty to his family and 

Irona--his portable steam iron/mistress

Lt. "Little" Fluff "Too" Linten--second-in-command, fresh out of the Academy on his first voyage and not wanting to disgrace his family's name.

Mercutio 14--a washing man machine with the dream of becoming a Ned-I warrior.

Horatio AB 23--a stackable washer/dryer combination with no such ambition.

and those aboard the Command Ship:

Commander Wuwu--from the planet Wuwu, where all inhabitants are named Wuwu.  He is wise and with his third eye can see through things, however his belief in his own abilities will become a liability.

Lt. Commander Dickie Benton-BBrook--a Hyphonate, his mother a Benton, his father a Brook.  He was promoted to the Command Ship over Frank Slipdewitch and eager to prove it was not based on minority hiring policy.

At the Welkian Relay Post remote a security check point is:

Chief Petty Officer Halfley--grizzled veteran who has little patience for procedures.

Private Johnny Brightstar--young, heroic, idealist, sworn allegiance to defending the inhabitants of the Cartugal Star Rim Cluster and Surrounding Nebulae (i.e., the good guys) and

Nikey--a sexually ambiguous ICBM, once part of the Cold War Nuclear Arms Defense system, converted into a emergency personal transport system befriended by Johnny Brightstar.

Then,

Taboolia--an evil confederation of warring tribes that thrives on absorbing the atmosphere of peaceful planetary systems for their own personal pleasure via terror tactics.  The Taboolian language is adverbian in structure.  

Is he rewarded?  No, he has to scramble, cajole, hornswoggle, plead and asks nicely so that Lydia Linda Lorna gets the appropriate exposure and the food stays warm.

Oh, and we'll split the check.  

Join Foster Valley and the great Lydia Linda Lorna in this two-parter which takes you behind the scenes of a deal, at a meal for a spiel.

Unless, of course, it's too redundant, in which case, pretend it's unfamilar, but don't use it as an excuse.

Any questions?  Hammers and Hummers?  Coming right up.  And, breakfast is always on the table.

So dig in.

You downloaded it, you bought it.

Please wash your hat and coat.

Employees must watch hands before entering.

The squeeky wheel is on the driver's side.

This podcast has content, which you'll have to hear to believe.  

It's all for one.

Let me ask you this, is quilted bathroom tissue warmer?

I was just wondering if you like Ike?

Once again, I repeat, it was all a running gag.

And for the last time, this is never to be repeated.

Format: Italics

Background color: Green

Content: Podcast

Tatoo:  "Loathers got to loathe"

When?   You'll find out.

And LOOK OUT, here comes an XTRA WIDE LOAD!

This sentence purposely left blank.

Then, Mindy Grows a Pair

Next, A Pair Grows

And finally, there's a Pair

Finger Me

FUN KEY

House o' Tongs

Goo Gull  Me

One Less To Go

Try these on for sighs.

• Eat Watchers
• Euphamedicine
• Eye Am Dee Bee

Then this is the 10th.

You will hear:

Pant or Loon?--Pant!

Bob Nugent--Bob Nugent?

Pant or Mime?--Pant!  PANT!

Stump the Mouse, Part 2: Mouse Found and Lost--When the irreplaceable little star has an unfortunate accident his handlers hustle to find a reasonable facsimile and in the end the long-shot plan comes through.  

BullitPoint--High Caliber Presentations

Outro & Credits

Bueller's Other Day--imperfect attendance.

It Came I Saw--wood I lie?

That Feeling, That Filing--an early recording of Stump.

Meet Stump the Mouse--first of two parts.  You loved him on the silver screen in 'Stump Goes Native' and 'Stump It Up', on your lunch box in 'Stump the Mouse Lunch Box', on your breakfast cereal in 'Stump Lumps', but not in gutter, for god's sake.  Nevertheless, this little rodent knows how to make the girls squeal and the guys watch where they step.  You never know what's going to happen next with this whiskered wonder kind, unless you listen. 

Outro & Credits

Preview—We give you ten of these, no, not toes

Hello Tim—could be a Wrong (Foot) number

Colating—at your own risk

Flehm—something smells as good as it looks

Angry Looking—a diagnosis

Easy Street—the grass is always greener, unless the worm turns

Act Along With: Larry Derrick!—here’s your chance to co-star with a real actor

Kens Keyboards—so qwerty, it’s asdfgh

Sleep in Overrated—one opinion

Outros/Credits

Previously—a brief look back at Foster Valley to get you ready you for a three piece suit

Preview

WrongFoot Navy—an honor to serve

Marshall Brody—Western theme

Foster Talent: Larry Derek Part 1—Foster gives a client a chance to get some exposure

Spraythewalk—no spaces tween words means itz what it iz

Alcapulco Accapella—the sea, the surf, the sound of the 50s

Foster Talent: Johnny Lang—Foster gives a newcomer the time of day

Foster Talent: Larry Derek Part 2—A client gives Foster a piece of his mind, 10%.

Sheriff Wilson—another Western theme

Outros/Credits

Foster Talent: Biff is Happy But...—Our most favorite talent agent Foster Valley meets with Happy Tooman, an old associate, who has an idea for a project Foster won’t like which has a role Happy shouldn’t play.

Hobnobbin’—R U Hobnobbin’?

Toasting Bread—Who doesn’t like toast?

Extend-a-Dream—Keep your eyes shut and nobody gets hurt

Outros/Credits

Preview

Maraca Vamps on Her Wrong Foot—Who doesn’t like maracas?

Foster Talent: Biff is Happy But...—Our most favorite talent agent Foster Valley meets with Happy Tooman, an old associate, who has an idea for a project Foster won’t like which has a role Happy shouldn’t play.

Hobnobbin’—R U Hobnobbin’?

Toasting Bread—Who doesn’t like toast?

Extend-a-Dream—Keep your eyes shut and nobody gets hurt

Outros/Credits

This is the story of Mac.  He was born a personal notebook computer from a small town in another part of the world, she got him at 25 percent discount.  As soon as he arrived, it was clear things were different.  Soon they were inseparable.  Love with a wireless connection, if you don't count the router.  It meant the end for her former companion.  How would he take it?  How would you?  

"Changed"—In the last installment of this mini-series, Rocky makes his getaway plan by cutting through corporate red tape, while Roger goes with gelt.

Bonus track of Roger and Rocky explaining things.

"We Take Tolls" -- Rocky and Roger become the stars of their very own reality show

I remember like it was yesterday.  I was working at the Figtown Ferry Bridge and the boss comes over and says they're trading me to another toll booth.  I said, what?  He said they made a deal with the Turnpike Authority.  The NE Regional Highway Interchange, which operated the Figtown Ferry Bridge independently, was going to get Myra Fontaine and I was going over to Exit 21 because it was going to get EZ Passed.

Back by demand, the adventures of two men stuck in their lanes with on-coming traffic and no one to turn to, but each other.  

In this episode Rocky tries to get Roger to admit his failings as a human being, which can only be corrected by following Rocky’s advice to venture into new territory with a scheme to start a pet identification company that leaves a permanent mark on animals.  

Will Roger recognize the potential of this plan or will he follow his fears and remain under of the thumb of his wife?  

Stay in your lane and let’s find it.

Negotiations

He Who Knocksworst (Lunchtime Playhouse)

Giant Check Bank

The Throat Clearing National Anthem

That People Eat Crazy Things

Along with Fred's Cockortoo's

Or When My Sugar

Visit www.wrongfoot.net for more shows you can download and listen to. 

You can also go to iTunes and search Wrong Foot to subscribe and you can rate it, if you’re very enthusiastic, one way or the other. 

Follow the Wrong Foot Tweets at www.twitter.com@thewrongfoot for upcoming show announcements and a few #wrong words.

• Shetland Wrong Foot
• More Than Usual
• Murderer's Row
• See Me?
• R U Hungry Wrong Foot
• Eggnogging
• World's Fastest Wrong Foot

Ask her about her financial affairs?

Good names are hard to find.

It also looks like Wrong Foot is closing down.  Not immediately, but we'll be cleaning out some old material and then finish with a round of new Wrong Foot Comedy Podcasts.

Maybe a podcaster's dozen or so.  We'll keep you posted.

"Would you like to know where we’re going?," she said.

"I’m just glad to sit down."  

"Tell me this, Mr. Tracker.  Are you just playing through … or just playing?"

My black and white golf shoes were attracting more attention than a cushion seller at a hemorrhoid conference.  And they were just starting to feel comfortable.

"I’m breaking them in.  For a friend."

"What else would you do for a friend?"

"Just that."

"We’ll have to get you to be a little more giving of yourself, won’t we?" 

"Of what?

"You’ll see, Mr. Tracker.  You’ll see.  And so will we."

"I'm going to back-track."

"Just make the next possible left."

"When did they make this a one-way street?"

"When they put those signs with the arrows up."

"If I take Montgomery, I can pick up 42."

"There's construction on 42."

"If you take this thing off my head, maybe I can help you find your way," I said.

"Don't make me reach back there and smack you, mister!"

"That's what my father used to say when we took family trips," I said.

"Mine, too."

"Buttercup, shut up and drive."

"We're going to need gas pretty soon."

"You didn't fill it up before we left?"

"I don't like the prices at the stations in town."

"It's not your money, what do you care?"

"How long have you two been married," I asked.

"Who said we were married?"

"Shut up and drive, Buttercup, he's trying to get under our skins."

"Why would he say something like that, though?"

"I said shut up."

"I'm not asking him, Corncob, I'm asking you.  It's an odd thing to say."

"Take the next left."

"Here?"

"Stop questioning me and do what I tell you!"

(Brakes screech)

"Is it possible to get a seat belt buckled?  Or do you want to deliver me in pieces?"

"Didn't you buckle him in?"

"No, Buttercup, I did not buckle him in."

"I can get pulled over for that, Corncob."

"So, where we headed for, Old McDonald's farm?"

"Why did he ask that?"

"Cause he's a wise guy who wants to get smacked around."

"That can't be the real reason."

"You two sound like a couple of barn animals."

"Which ones?"

"Stop talking to him.  We should have put him in the trunk."

]]> 27:36 no Fri, 04 Jul 2014 13:53:13 +0000        "They wanted bigger nuts and they were, but the Swiss couldn't spit 'em out fast enough."

"The Swiss were making them?"

"No, they couldn't spit 'em out of their mouths fast enough.  They tasted like dirt. You see a black walnut, might as well be called the black widow, cause she's death.  Her bark is worse than her bite.  Poison, plain and simple.  You don't mix nothing with a black walnut.  Nothing that you want to … savor."

I could see this was more than just an old piece of local lore with Squinty.  He spoke of these trees like they were his cousins.

"They tried to go back to the old way, but then the paddles took over."

"The Paddles?  They bought the company?"

"Who?"

"You said the Paddles took over."

"Oh.  No, they made paddles.  They could make more making paddles than the nuts."

"Paddles.  Like for canoes?"

"Yeah, and for frat houses.  Until Smoke cleared."

"A forest fire?"

"No, Smoke cleared all the trees."

"Winston Smoke."

"Cleared all the trees."

"Why do you think he did it?"

"To get back at his daddy.  When Raleigh Smoke passed on, Winston took the opportunity to make his changes."

"What did his daddy do to him?"

"Made him nuts."

I was still a good 50 yards from the Breezy Inn and maybe my weariness was driving my mind off its path, but a big, blue Buick drove me into the muddy ditch skirting the roadway.  

I could barely see the driver except to spot a kerchief on her head and I'm guessing it was a her, but I'd seen more than one odd sight in my short time in Nountown.  Odd like a troupe of young men dressed as nurses, not male nurses but in white hats and tight white hospital dresses.  A gaggle of Florence Nightingales named Frank.

I also saw mother after mother pushing empty baby carriages.  Maybe they weren't mothers.  Maybe they were baby carriage testers.

And of course I saw everyone look the other way when I crossed their path.  It had been so long since I made eye contact with anyone I was beginning to think I had  a terminal case of conjunctivitis with a twist of halitosis on a ten-foot pole.

This was a flash flood of fear in the streets I hadn't witnessed since Berlin split in half and Saigon went native.  Was it fear that pushed me into the muddy moat or a last ditch effort to eviscerate the snooper by making a lasting effort to ditch me?

Either way, I now needed a laundry service to go with my foot bath.  A spin around the agitator to whiten my whites while I pre-and post soaked myself.

I am Raymond J. Tracker, a consultant.  People pay me to tell them what’s wrong and then they pay me to tell them how to fix it.  And sometimes they pay me to tell them how they should fix it in a more detailed way, which can be mistaken for telling them how to do their job.  The Boss likes to say, there was a time when there were no consultants, when people knew how to do their jobs.  It was the Dark Ages.  His words.  We’ve been put on this planet for some reason and it might as well be to help people who didn’t know they needed it and can’t succeed without it.  But, you say, you really haven’t explained what a consultant does.  If you really want me to do that, I can, but it won’t be cheap.  I will give this much away for free.  What we do always starts with finding the source of money.