Better with Bacon

Life rule #2 - No Drama

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 08:14:00 -0700

Throughout my life, with the help of some friends, I have crafted what I like to call Christopher's rules of life. I am going to start a series about this. Of course like any good writer, I can't just start at one and work through to the end. I need to leave some intrigue. Right now, you started reading this and wondered, Life rule #2 is No Drama, but what' life rule #1? You'll find out soon enough...

On to Life Rule #2... No Drama

No Drama, because 95% of the time, it isn't worth it.

Think about that statement, it rings so true. How many times have you been in a fight over something comepletely inane? Finding yourself in a heated battle over which BBQ style is best, (Memphis Dry rub, BTW).

Here is an example of someone not following Life Rule #2, and someone, your hero, following life rule #2.

The following event is a true story, that happened just last night.

--------------------

Setting 14th street 4/5/6 train stop, NYC.

As I went to get on the train and a guy ran past me, to get a seat on the train. I was going for one of those folding seats at the end of the car because I had my bike with me, I went for one and he grabbed it.. I went for the other one and he grabbed that one too. Next thing I know he was squatting between to the seats with a hand on each. Then his partner came up and was like WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

He said, "I saved us some seats."
Partner: "That guy was going to sit there, we can sit here"
Seat Grabber: "No, you sit there, I will sit here,"
Partner: "Sir, you can have that seat, I will just stand"
Me: "No it's fine, he obviously wants you to have that seat more than me"
Seat grabber: "FINE! Don't be surprised if his drunk ass pukes on you"
Partner: "He's really drunk, I am trying to get him home.. please take the seat"
Me: "After all this drama, there is NO way I am taking the seat"
Large black woman: "Shit, I'll take that seat."
Drunk seat grabber: "I was saving that for him"
Partner: "Will someone just take the seat?!"

Large black woman sits down.

--------------------

Do you see how there could have been drama in that situation over something as trivial as a seat on the subway?

Don't get me wrong, there are things in life worth fighting for. Goals, family, children, and 1/2 priced designer labels. But most of the time not even close to being worth it.

So what about you, what experiences have you had with Life Rule #2?

Threesomes never work

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Wed, 19 May 2010 12:35:00 -0700

Choose your own adventure, in life.

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Mon, 5 Apr 2010 14:09:00 -0700

Why is it that sometimes after you break up with someone, you look back and think "what could have been"? Today is April 5th, 2010. My ex girlfriend and I broke up over 4-5 months ago. For me we had a pretty messy break up. I wanted to fight and try to make things work out. She wanted out. She had her reasons for breaking up with me. I still don't fully understand, nor do I think that I ever will. As I am on my way home I am thinking about a couple exes that seem to be fairly happy with their current situations, and I am happy for them. Really I am, but I can't help but think, "that could have been me". There was a girl in high school I briefly dated after graduation and I really liked her, she liked me. She went to school in another state, so we didn't really have a chance to develop a strong relationship. After a while she started dating the guy she's married to now. A couple years ago I was in Colorado for Thanksgiving, I met up with her, her husband and the rest of her family that I knew when we were growing up. The whole time I looked at her husband I thought, "man, that could have been me". For the record, this girl and get husband are pregnant with their first baby and I am happy for them.

I wonder to myself often, what could have been? Am I the only one that thinks that? There is no way I am. I feel like I am on the outside looking in. I mean I don't feel sorry for myself. I have made the decisions to get me to this point in my life. I guess all of us think, what could have been. Probably because we don't think of the pain that person put us through, we remember laughing at a dimly lit restaurant, kisses in the dark, and little inside jokes.

Are you like me and wish life was like a choose your own adventure book? If you want to go to the prom with Stacy go to page 32, if you want to go to the prom with Lisa go to page 25. I remember reading those books and thinking, what would have happened if we went down the path instead of going into the cave. Why can't life be like that. So I went to prom with Stacy, what if...? Why did I say that stupid thing, what if...?

Do you think that because one relationship ended, it was doomed no matter what? I mean on a deeper cosmic universe sense, I have always believed that you can learn something from everyone you interact with. Maybe, each adventure was supposed to happen so you'd be where you are now.

To quote my friend Ashlee Odglen Ellenbarger, "Oh life!"

Now turn to page 54 to see how it ends.

Loving or leaving people.

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 11:03:00 -0700

Something that has come up in coversations with my friends recently is the thought of loving or leaving people. Sure I know that we are supposed to love everyone. At what point do you have to draw a line and say, 'from here on out you are on your own'?

I have a couple friends that I heart dearly. (Notice my use of heart instead of love, it's not a word I throw around lightly, probably something to do with my commitment-phobia. Which I think that I am getting over, but that is for another posting, back to our regularly scheduled blog) There isn't much I wouldn't not do for my friends, except help them move, which I will do, just not excited about it. I like to think that my friends can come to me with all of their issues and I will help them work them out. I don't think of myself as a know it all or a guru or anything, I have worked for a while to become the person my friends and family trust with their issues. I don't go blabbing around town about people's business. It's not for everyone to know, or anyone else besides me and that friend. I want to help my friends but I feel like sometimes it doesn't matter. They are going to do what they are going to do, the hell they will go through be damned.

I say all of this to ask the question. When do you get to that point that friend becomes a bad ROI (Return On Investment)? I know that we shouldn't look at people as investments, but the are! You invest your time, efforts, money (hanging out isn't free), reputation, credibilty, etc into those people. I don't become friends with someone thinking that I am going to get something out of them other than a friendship, but I have had some friends that I don't even get that. I feel like they are a black hole of my efforts and resources. So when should someone cut thier losses?

I want you to know, sometimes, I am a crappy friend. I know this. I break plans, I get lazy and don't want to meet up with people, I indirectly insult them, (usually not meaning to), but I want and try to be a good friend.

Leave a comment, let me know your thoughts.

Winnie the Pooh says "Think, think think"

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 13:31:00 -0700

I wouldn't say that I am having writers block. I just have no clue what to write about. I have thoughts that come through my head, but nothing that makes a solid cohesive thought. One second I am thinking about what to write, the next I am thinking about Jim Carrey as the Riddler in Batman. Then it's on to should I eat this banana on my desk.

I would have to say that it probably all boils down to the fact that I have been not once but twice diagnosed with ADHD/ADD. When I say diagnosed we are talking about off the charts. when your doctor says, "I've never seen something like these results before, I am amazed that you can sit here and listen to what I am saying". That is a REAL boost to the self esteem, OH WAIT, it's not. (Also when the Doc said that I was thinking about a bird that flew into a nest out side of their window *TRUE STORY!*)

When I was a kid, I was fairly hyperactive. In my mind, I didn't think that I was anymore active than the next kid. I would demonstrate typical ADHD behaviors. I would do my homework but not turn it in. I never knew why I would do that. I guess it was a fear of failing, or succeeding. Which really seems backward, but I would do that anyway. I was always the kid that had his desk either in the corner by myself, or RIGHT next to the teachers desk. When I was first diagnosed I was put on Ritalin and Cylert. These drugs were "Zombie" me out. I wonder if that's why I gravitate to Zombies. Who knows. I would go to school and come home and crash for the night around 5p. I hated it.

Around age 13, I took myself off the meds and learned coping mechanisms that I still use to this day. I know that I perform better if there is some sort of music on that I can get into a rhythm when I am working on something. When I go out with my friends, I need to face the wall side of a table so I focus on my friends and not who's coming in the door or the TV that's on.

Don't get me wrong, I think b/c of this I get a lot of my creative energy. I continually learn how to harness that energy and focus it into a project. It's that energy that I feel people like about me, I am excited about a lot of things and that energy is contagious. I love that. I like when I get a group of people going the same direction. I am so humbled when it happens as well.

I would say that I am just as normal as anyone else. I just have to work harder to focus. I think that when I am lasered in, there is not stopping me. I get into this zen type state when that happens. I think that's why I get into a weird mood after I do an improv show. I am so focused on what's going on, it takes me a few minutes to snap out of that.

I know that this posting wasn't as entertaining as the other ones have been, but win some lose some. Perhaps I will put a something funny at the end but I will probably start thinking about the Riddler again, see I am doing it now. I mean his name was Edward Nigma! E.NIGMA! CRAZY!

Things I do to entertain myself...

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 10:56:00 -0700

I like to think that I am just like everyone else when it comes to the day to day life. I like eating delicious foods, I like looking at pretty things, I like being entertained, and I like naps. Every so often, it dawns on me that I am a 30 year old man child. I would say that more than half of my day, let's call it 65% is spent making up little games to entertain myself. (read : NOT PLAY WITH MYSELF, YOU PERV!) The following are a short list of things that I do when left to my own devices.

I write haiku's.

Often when I'm bored
On my fingers, count the beats
ENTERTAINED AGAIN!

I did just write that. I don't know I like writing haikus, I always have.
In fact I have been keeping a file of them on my iPhone. When my old iPhone died, I cried a little on the inside. I lost all of my pics and haikus. I knew I could get the games and such again. On a side note, it is REALLY tough to go 5 days with out a phone, let alone and iPhone.

I make up games when I walk down the street.

Sure, everyone since they were a kid played, 'Don't Step on a Crack, or You Break Your Mother's Back' I love my mom just as much as you love yours. Do you want to see your mother with a broken back? Well I don't want to see ANY mothers with a broken back. Famed 90's Rap Group Kris Kross said it best 'Broken backs are wiggity-wiggity-wiggity wack!' Well said KK! Krossed out 4EVA!

Other games I play when I walk down the street. F or P. I believe that I have talked about this game before on a video post. I am not the first person to play this game, I am the first that gave it a name. F or P stands for Fat or Pregnant. I know that it doesn't make me a good person to play this game. I will have to atone for my sins on this at some point. I also have previously mentioned that I don't mind if a girl is curvy. I also think pregnant ladies are SO pretty. There really is something attractive about a pregnant glow. With all of that said, I play it a lot. I know it's not nice... Do you forgive me?

Other random games :
Sometimes when I am supposed to be working, I get the bottle of hand sanitizer and I try to get all of the bubbles out of the gel. It's harder than it looks.

I try to get songs stuck in people's heads.

Check this out..

Private eyes (CLAP-CLAP)
Are watching you (CLAP-CLAP)
They see your every move.

Private eyes (CLAP-CLAP)
Are watching you (CLAP-CLAP)
Private eeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyeeeeeeees... are watching you.

Tell me you didn't sing along?! I know you did.. In an hour from now, you can thank me.

The only real challenge to entertaining yourself and making up little games is that I tend to move on. In fact I am getting a little bored writing this out. I am sure that you are feeling something similar reading this... NO WAIT.. No you aren't. You're still singing Private eyes (CLAP-CLAP), aren't you?!

After reading this post again, I sound sedestic. I am really nice!

What about you dear reader? What games do you play.

Foot-in-the-mouth-itis

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 08:51:00 -0700

Hello readers,

I suffer from a medical condition called Foot-in-the-mouth-itis. While this condition is not contagious, it is however horribly painful to go through. There are no known cures for this disease other than keeping your mouth shut. Allow me to give you a couple of examples of how I have had Foot-in-the-mouth-itis flare ups.

*I have changed the name of the girl in this story to protect the innocent.

About a year or two ago, I was attending holiday party when I was visiting Fayetteville, Arkansas. As the evening wore on I was speaking to a couple people and it was found out that I live in NYC. They said you need to meet Georgia*, she just moved there not to long ago. So I was introduced, Georgia was a cute girl, not super thin, but not fat either. She had curves. I like curves on a girl, not the women only gym though. We exchanged contact information agreed that we should hang out when we both were back in the city. Fast forward a month or so, we set a night to hang out. The plan was to meet at her place, then go out to dinner then stop by a couple bars. I would like to take this moment to state that I wasn't looking to date her, not that I was against that idea. I show up at her place with a bottle of red wine (classy move). We are drinking wine with her roommate while they both are finishing getting ready to go out. We were having the usual new friend conversation, where you are from, what you do for work, what you love about the city, etc. At some point Georgia made a joke that she does something stupid. I appologize that I don't remember what Georgia said, after reading the rest you'll understand why I forgot. Here is what happened next.

Georgia: Oh I am just stupid when it comes to _________.
Me: That's probably because you smoke so much crack.
Georgia : Oh I would probably be a lot thinner if I smoked crack.
Me: OOOOH! You must be smoking the fat crack.

As I made the "K" sound on the word crack, I knew I had made a mistake. I decided I needed to fix it, but I was set on the joke and I didn't want to let it go.

At this point Georgia shoots me a slightly angry, slightly confused look.

Me: OH! What I meant to say was: You must be smoking the high calorie crack.

Believe it or not, this didn't help. It actually made it worse.

At this point Georgia has an AK47 of daggers shooting out of her eyes. Somewhere along the way, I have learned in life that the easiest way out of a bad situation is just to own up to it. So I attempted that

Me: I believe that I just accidentally called you fat, twice. (read: now 3 times)
Georgia: Ya, you did.

Long story short, the rest of the evening, she was VERY rude to me. (Understandably so). I tried to appologize the next day, but the damage was done. I haven't spoken to this girl since that night.

I feel that this is a lesson that should be taught to children in schools across the country. Don't be that guy.

You'd think that I would have learned my lesson. You'd be wrong.

My most recent foot-in-the-mouth-itis flare up.

On Facebook on the right hand side of the site they post "People you might know" based on the fact that you have X number of mutual friends. Yesterday I see that they are suggsting that I become friends with Amy Schumer. It said you have 10 mutual friends with her. I click on her name and look at the mutual friends we share and they are mostly performers (actors, magicians, comics, etc). I figure that she must be a performer herself. I look at her pics and I am trying to place how I know her. She looks VERY familiar to me. Then it dawns on me; she was on Last Comic Standing. I liked her sets and thought that she was REALLY funny. I tried to add her as a friend on FB, and it says "Cannot accept friend request, because Amy has 5,000 friends and isn't able to accept any new ones" I thought, ok that's cool. She was on a national TV show. Later that night, I was hanging out with a new friend and we went to see a show at the UCB Theatre b/c it's cheap and fun. As I walk in, I look and there is Amy Schumer headed on her way out. I thought, "WHAT A COINSIDENCE!" and decide that I am going to introduce myself. Here's how this converstation went. You tell me if you can figure out where I put my foot in my mouth.

Me: Hi, you're Amy Schumer, yes?
Amy Schumer: Hi. Yes I am.
Me: This is such a coinsidence. Earlier today I was on Facebook and it recommended that you and I should be Facebook friends b/c we have 10 mutual friends. How do you know __________, ___________ and ____________? (Again, I am not using the names to protect the inncoent)
AS: Not to be a b*tch, but I have over 5,000 friends on Facebook and I don't know them all.
Me: Right, because of Last Comic Standing. I thought you were really good. I just thought this is a huge coinsidence.
AS: Look, I have to get going.
Me: Ya, I understand. You aren't being a b*tch because you are busy and have to run. (read: you're being a b*tch)
AS: PSH... Whatever.

At this point Amy turns and leaves. DANG IT FOOT-IN-THE-MOUTH-ITIS!!! You strike again!!

These are only two examples.

So kids please let this be a lesson to you.
Don't be a Christoher, THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!

Life is full of challenges and it is NOTHING like the Physical Challenge on Double Dare

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 09:45:00 -0700

Screw you Mark Summers! You came into my home everyday when I was growing up. You entered my life and home via the TV. Here are some lessons that I have learned from your show that I have found to not be worth a hill of beans.

#1. It never helps the situation to raise the stakes when I am faced with a VERY difficult question: (Do I take this job?, Is this dating relationship working?, How do I impress my boss while remaining cool?, How do I look cool?)

Double Dare Example 1:
Former Girl Friend: Do you think that I need to lose weight?
Double Dare response: Could you repeat the question?
FGF: Do you think that I need to lose weight?
DDR: DARE!
FGF: What?!
DDR: DOUBLE DARE!
FGF: Are you double daring me to lose weight? So you think that I am fat!?
DDR: PHYSICAL CHALLENGE!!
FGF: AND NOW I DON'T EXERCISE ENOUGH!!! MY MOTHER WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU!

#2. Most times you don't want to find things up a nose or under a food item.

Double Dare Example 2:
Scene : Pizzeria

Former Girl Friend: OH Gross! I found a band aid under a piece of pepperoni! Can you get the waiter!?
Double Dare Response : SWEET! Are we going to win a matching set of Rollerblades?
Former Girl Friend: Are you retarded?

My 3rd and final point. It's never good at ANY time to be covered in slime. (Unless you are a new born baby. WELCOME TO THE WORLD BABY!)

As many of you know Mark Summers lead a life of lies and deceit. He wanted us to get all sloppy and messy and not necessarily know the capital of random US States, when the whole time he was OCD! How could a guy when likes the fringe on his rugs to be all neat and orderly wish you to be covered in green slime and pull boogers out of a gigantic nose?

Now the saddest part of this posting isn't the fact that I may or may not be growing up, it's the fact that I still find it to be a perfectly reasonable response to challenge someone to a physical challenge when I don't know the answer to a question.

ACK!

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Thu, 4 Mar 2010 19:04:00 -0800

Life is crazy! I promised I am going to update this more often, and you know what... I will.

I have been working like a crazy person! I mean it’s not enough to work 40 hours a week at a job, but between Master Debaters, 10 minute talk show and other acting projects I barely have time for myself. I found that I am going to have to take Monday nights off. That’s my day off.

Heart your faces.

Best and worst pranks calls ever

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Wed, 6 Jan 2010 09:47:00 -0800

First off in both of these instances I would like to say (ahem) “ SCREW YOU CALLER ID!” Back in the day, pre Caller-ID days, you could prank call people and it was AWESOME. I know when ever someone calls me and my Caller-ID says “Blocked” or “Unavailable”, I don’t answer. So way to go Caller-ID, way to put an end to prank calls. Do you think that the people that invented Caller-ID were just angry from getting pranked all the time. “We’ll put an end to your pranks” Then they would cry in their D&D books. (No offense D&D players)

Best worst prank ever:

The “Hey it’s me, what’s up?” call. It didn’t always work but when it did, AWW MAN! Here’s how it was supposed to work. You call your mark up. Let’s call him “Paul”. Paul answers, you just say, "Hey Paul, it’s me. What’s up?” Paul then will assume that he knows who he’s talking to. At this point, you keep the convo fairly vague looking for conversation clues.. Wife’s name, or kids, or what ever. Also, knowing something about your mark helps.. For an example, if you know that Paul is athletic talk about sports... This is where the prank gets good. You suggest that you and Paul meet up at a restaurant, or play basketball at a certain time. You arrive about 5 minutes before and watch Paul get stood up. Oh the call later must be great.

BEST PRANK!
The ordering a bunch of pizzas to someones house. If someone did that to me (please don’t do this unless you are going to pay for the pizzas) it would be AMAZING. Think about it.. you are at home, next thing you know there is a knock on the door.. BAM 5 pizzas waiting for you. It’s like a dream come true. That would be so great. Again, please don’t do this to me. But still.. awesome.

Christopher and the Angry Bear

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Mon, 4 Jan 2010 23:18:00 -0800

As life goes on, I realize that everyone learns things about themselves. I have come to realization that I have an angry bear that lives inside of me. This angry bear, let’s call him Henry, doesn’t make his presence known often. Henry only comes out when I am hungry and haven’t eaten in a while. Henry isn’t the smartest beast in the forest, but he knows what he wants and will not be distracted by meaningless tasks until he has eaten what he craves. Great question, humble reader : what does Henry like to eat? Henry will eat just about anything, as long as it doesn’t take more than 5-10 minutes to prepare and start enjoying. Does Henry also lurk in the shadows? No, Henry is not a ninja... He is how ever quite focused on eating. Does Henry like to be called Hank? What? What are you talking about!? Where’s my peanut butter sandwich?!

Well.. I better go. I need to feed Henry.

Inspiration

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 08:17:00 -0800

I have heard that people are really motivated by two emotions. Anger and Excitement. For the most part, I think that is true. I mean I am the MOST productive when I am not happy about a situation or I am just beginning a new task. I would say remembering what the goal is a HUGE part of it.

When in doubt; you need a power jam. (This I am taking from Maximumfun.org) Everyone needs a power jam. I would say I have 2.

Juelz Santana - Second Coming

and
Junior Senior - Good Girl, Bad Boy

New posts...

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 17:36:00 -0800

So, this is going to start changing, it is going to be a mix of video and text. I am going to start by posting a writing that I did. I don’t know where this story is going, but I like how it started...

Let me know your thoughts.

As I lit what I knew would be my last cigarette, I had already made up

my mind of what was going to have to happen. My mind swirling with

possible outcomes, none of which seem obtainable or plausable. Just as

i begin to feel the burn of that first slow drag of that cigarette,

the cool night air sent a shiver up my spine. Being from a small town

in the mountains of colorado, I would have never expected that the

wind could do that to me. Now that I think about it, it wasn't the

wind, it was the realization of the choices I had made have brought me

to this moment. The moment before I go inside and have to kill another

human being.

Test

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 06:25:00 -0800

Christopher and Kenneth chat under the holiday lights

this is it... We'll hit the heights...

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 05:41:00 -0800

Christopher and Kenneth chat it up beneath the holiday lights... try #4

This is it... We'll hit the heights...

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 23:14:00 -0800

Christopher chats with Kenneth, under the holiday lights. Try #3.

Just a few thoughts about being a sports fan

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 17:27:00 -0700

I am from Colorado, I live in NY. I have been a Yankees fan since way back. I have been a Rockies fan since their first season, and a Broncos fan since as long as I can remember. I am not your typical fan as far as knowing everything about a team, players, coaches etc. I just like my teams. I don't know if I could ever be one of those fans that watches every game, has the Fathead of the star player. I don't have a jersey from any of my teams (Mostly because I am a hat guy and I do have a hat for each team). With all that being said, today has been a crazy day for me. I got to act in a play in NYC. (Acting, my new favorite love). I got to Watch the Broncos win, I am watching the Yankees game, then going to watch the Broncos.

All in all it's a good time to be a fan. The only way this day could have been better, one word, BACON!.

EVERYTHING IS BETTER WITH BACON!

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Fri, 9 Oct 2009 14:34:00 -0700

This is a carry over from the old podcast. Either way, life is better with Mo Kemph!

Update!

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Fri, 2 Oct 2009 09:54:00 -0700

Christopher fills you in on the details

Let's Go on an Adventure

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Mon, 7 Sep 2009 07:16:00 -0700

Christopher and Lindsey discuss adventures

Podcast about nothing

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 20:26:00 -0700

Christopher and Lee waste time... Seinfeld style

Where have you been my whole life?

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 06:31:00 -0700

Christopher fills you in on the details.

Pickle vs. Monkey

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 06:48:00 -0700

Christopher has an age old debate.

Podcast Schmodcast

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Wed, 1 Jul 2009 20:16:00 -0700

Christopher sets some goals.

1,2,3,4

cjboerger@me.com (Christopher Boerger) — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 23:17:00 -0700

Christopher and a friend discuss life's oldest question.