Running with Scissors

Excessive Farts

2013-06-22T19:40:00.000-07:00

I know, that sounds gross, sorry.

But to all those females out there, wouldn't it be awesome if instead of bleeding when you're on your period, you just do an excessive amount of farting? I mean, that'd still kinda suck, especially if you're gonna spend time with that "special someone". But you could always take medication for your farts; I'm pretty sure they have that now.

Now, if you're forever alone like me, this shouldn't be a problem for you. In my case, I already fart quite a bit. So when that special time of the month comes along, I gotta warn my family, I gotta warn my friends, cuz there's gonna be some bomb-dropping up in here. More than usual. For about a week. Good luck.

But no, the way it really is, only you suffer. But if it were farts instead, EVERYONE would have to share your pain. MUAHAHAHAHA. ha.

Worms

2013-06-13T09:21:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time, there was a young girl named Mary who loved to pick apples from her father's orchard. One day, she saw the perfect apple hanging way up high. She jumped to get it, but she was too short. She climbed up the branches of the tree, and reached out, but she was just a finger's width away. Finally, she jumped at the apple, snagging it off the tree. Smiling, Mary started to take a big bite out of the apple. Unfortunately for her, the apple was inhabited by a worm named George, who was heavily armed and very territorial. Moral of the story: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Also, don't eat other people's houses.

~M

Apples and Oranges

2013-06-12T23:49:00.002-07:00

Once upon a time there was an apple named Frederick, who was arch rivals with an orange named Ricardo. One day, Ricardo made a bet with Frederick. "I bet you five dollars you will get eaten tomorrow". But Ricardo had cheated! He had seen a recipe for apple pie on the fridge. The next day, Frederick was cut into little pieces and eaten. But, as Ricardo cackled maniacally from the fruit bowl, he realized there was no way Frederick could repay his debt. Moral of the story: Only make bets that you know can be repaid. Also, don't trust oranges named Ricardo. Or any orange, for that matter. They're a sneaky bunch.

~ M

Pogi

2013-06-12T23:44:00.002-07:00

"Pogi!!! Get back here!!"

We heard that woman scream at her tiny dog at least five times. Pogi's face had been hit with a frying pan, it had seemed, but no one was sure...