life unscripted

💩 Favorite Pastime?

2023-02-12T17:09:00.004-08:00

I know I'm not the only one who could give two shits about the Super Bowl, but as someone who is wholly uninvested in American football. What the absolute fuck.

Every time I watch an American sporting event, I wonder, do other countries play their national anthem? And cry (see the Eagle's coach)? Do other countries fly military jets above the stadium? Do other countries interview their national leaders in the pre-game show to get their take? And then come after him for refusing an interview on a network that works so hard to slander and lie about him?

How about allowing commercials from terrorist groups? I mean, who can turn down a million dollars.

Also, can we talk about how Kansas City refuses to give up their racist team name and rituals. Not ok.

I'm all about creating community and finding things we can all relate to that helps us understand each other, but this feels so ick to me on so many levels.

I honestly don't get it. It's such a cult.

On Minimalism

2023-01-27T10:52:00.001-08:00

I am a wanna be minimalist. Compared to most Americans, I probably am a minimalist, but I always think there's room to improve. I watch a LOT of YouTube videos around minimalism, decluttering, organizing etc and I am constantly blown away by the amount of things some people have. Are 30 coffee mugs really necessary in your 2 person household? (Yes, I do sometimes get a little judge-y.) You'd think that it'd make me proud of myself for how little I have comparatively, but nope, I still find them super motivating to get rid of more!

We are such a culture of excess and waste and what we don't realize is the mental impact of having to manage all that inventory that's piling up in our closets, our cupboards, our garages. It's exhausting. And overstimulating. It makes our spaces less pleasant to be in and harder to use. And the kicker is, we only realistically use a small percentage of what we own.

We build emotional attachments to our things, but we put them in boxes where they stay for years, decades even without us ever pulling them out to look at them. We shove things to the backs of our cupboards and closets that we never reach for and stop seeing after awhile, but we let them take space anyway. We justify keeping things we don't use for "just in case" scenarios that never manifest. We pile meaningless and inexpensive junk in our garages and park our tens of thousands of dollars worth of cars in our unprotected driveways or on the street.

We think our things give us a sense of security, but in reality, they keep us hostage. The average size of the American home has tripled in the last 50 years (NPR). We buy bigger houses to hold all the things we don't need and don't use. And then we fill those bigger houses with even more things and we perpetuate the cycle. Then we spend 3,680 hours (that's 153 days!) over the course of our lives looking for things we've misplaces. We lose 9 things on average EVERY SINGLE DAY (Daily Mail).

Is it worth it? Is this what we want our lives to be? It's not what I want for me. I want my house to be a sanctuary. One that takes me minimal time to clean and is always picked up. I want to have free time to pursue my hobbies or lay on the couch and read and not have this to-do list hanging over my head that includes managing crap. I want money and financial freedom to travel the world or save for a kick-ass retirement.

Am I nailing it? Nope. Not even close. I like new things as much as the next person, and I'm a sucker for organizational solutions, whether it's new shelving or new bins and containers for a uniform look. And sentimental items? Yeah, I have some of those as well that I have a hard time justifying keeping, but also can't quite get myself to get rid of. But I also spend a lot of time thinking about if I were to move overseas or if my house were to burn down, what would I prioritize taking with me or trying to save. Then I look objectively at the rest of my things and question if it's worth hanging on to that in the now.

Minimalism is not getting the number of items I own down to a certain number. It's about reflecting on how much I actually need to live. It's about living a more sustainable, conscious, and happy life.

01 December 2014 - 07 August 2022

2022-08-23T17:59:00.001-07:00

Grief. It's a wild roller coaster, and not in the fun sense.

I've not really encountered it on this level before. I've said that final goodbye to all my grandparents, a girl I knew in middle school, my best friend's mom. I've said goodbye to some sheltered degree to various childhood pets, my best friend's dog. All of those were incredibly sad and left me melancholic for days or weeks after. But never have I had to say goodbye to a being who was a part of my daily life for nearly 18 years. A being who I was solely responsible for. One who has been with me my entire adult life.

I told her regularly it was us against the world as I was trying to figure out who I wanted to be, bucking societal norms of getting married, buying a house and having kids. I told her she was my kid and she was all I really wanted as I struggled to throw off those expectations on one who has a uterus.

And while I was bucking off society's expectations of women, she did the same as a cat. She HATED being alone. If you left a box or a bag out, oh hell no was she getting in there. She always looked for her exit strategy — and in that, we were alike. She greeted me at the door, followed me everywhere around the house, and consistently nagged me to sit down so she could have a cuddle. She came when I called her, wouldn't leave my side when I was sad, and very generously brought me so many "gifts" over the years, I lost count.

She's helped me with every quilt I've ever made. Helped by jumbling the fabrics when I've laid them out on the floor. Helped by testing its coziness sitting on it in my lap as I'm trying to quilt it. Each have had her stamp of approval. And each probably contain some of her fur quilted up in them as I couldn't keep her away.

She's chased my yarn as I've knit or crocheted hats and blankets. She's mussed my sheets and got the zoomies when I've tried to make my bed. I've sacrificed many fitted sheets to tears and slits as she attacked them as I was making the bed.

She preferred to drink out of every vessel of water or scant puddle on the patio, no matter how dirty, than her own clean water dish in the house. And would complain if her box was anything other than immaculate. Who could blame her for that, really.

She had expensive taste in food, refused to drink tap water (how pedestrian), and would abide by no less than 100 brush strokes a night ... and morning ... and how about now?

She learned to take pills like a champ and tolerate my clumsy administration of injections, and omg, a heating pad was the best thing I ever bought her.

It's hard to remember those early years when I thought she was going to live forever. I'm consumed by memories of the last couple when she needed me more. When she wanted to cuddle, but she was too uncomfortable. When she wanted to eat, but she was too nauseous. When she just slept all the time, but if I went outside to water the plants, she still came too because she love more than anything to be outside — if the weather was nice.

I feel like in those final days she tried so hard to still be here for me, because I still needed her. She understood me like that. But I told her I would be fine; it's ok to go. Let me be here for you.

We had a good run, you and me. I'm not ok, but I will be, and that's because I had you ❤️

21 dead

2022-05-24T18:29:00.001-07:00

21 dead at an ELEMENTARY school today. I can't even say I'm remotely surprised. It was inevitable; predicted; foreseen.

And it will happen again. And again. And again. Because we let it.

Fuck your thoughts and prayers. They have never, nor will ever do anything to keep children safe.

The hypocrisy in this country from the people who claim that life is so sacred that they want to FORCE people with uteri to give birth against their will, but vote over and over and over again to prioritize guns over the lives of the people who are already here.

This country fucking sucks. I'm so exhausted I can't decide if it's even worth fighting anymore or if we should just sit back and watch it implode. And then I hate that I think that because I recognize that is a very privileged perspective. I can, and probably will eventually leave. Most cannot.

So I'll just leave this here: If you vote for people who block common sense gun control, you condone the mass murder of children. Full stop.

"Firearms became the leading cause of death for U.S. children and adolescents starting in 2020, surpassing motor vehicle accidents, according to a University of Michigan research letter published in the New England Journal of Medicine last month."
--Reuters

Overwhelmed

2021-07-14T10:33:00.005-07:00

Today I am feeling overwhelmed. I've been struggling with fatigue and exhaustion, and with that comes motivation. Motivation to do all the things I don't want to do, and even some of the things I do.

Mornings are my most productive times, but I decided to sacrifice this morning to do some chores. Get the laundry folded and put away that's been sitting in/on the dryer since Sunday. Clean the bathroom; pick up clothes and odds and ends that have accumulated in random areas. Water the plants (my poor plants!).

I thought the cleaning and picking up the chaos would help me focus on my work, and it usually does. Maybe I haven't given myself enough time to transition yet, or maybe there are just a few more things I could do yet that would help me settle, like take out the recycling and spot clean the floor, purge my email ...

When Email Gets the Best of You

2021-06-14T09:35:00.000-07:00

I can be a bit OCD about organization. Look in any cupboard, drawer, or even my refrigerator and you will see. Email, however, is the bane of my existence. For some reason, I have never found a system that works for me to organize, categorize, purge — it's just complete disaster, and I HATE it. There's so many other things I need to focus on, but once my disorderly email catches my attention, I'm thoroughly distracted and anxious about it.

Like now. I am sitting here thinking of what my perfect solution would be and it's not a ginormous list of date sorted emails. Not super keen on just labels and faux folders. I think I want an accordion style, drag and drop system. I'll have to think on this more; maybe there's something there.

It also doesn't help that I have 4 active email addresses and each probably needs its own system ...

Mortality

2021-04-29T00:04:00.000-07:00

My dad might die. I mean, I know we all die eventually, but it might be much sooner than I'm ready for. Are we ever ready for it? I dunno. He told me he wasn't, and that just seems to make it so much harder to think about.

What Do Republicans Want?

2021-01-14T08:28:00.000-08:00

@designmom on Twitter is one of my favorite people I follow. She has these threads every so often that just speak to me. Thoughtful, well laid out arguments that articulated what I don't know how to.

Today, I ran across one from last October that I hadn't seen yet: What do Republicans Want? We know what they are against. But what are they for?

In her thread, she poses the questions: "What does it mean to be Conservative? What is it exactly you are trying to conserve at this point?" And then goes on to list everything Conservatives fight against. I found it very eye opening to see everything listed out in one place.

You fight against education
You fight against healthcare
You fight against clean air and water
You fight against equality and justice
You fight against de-militarizing the police
You fight against balancing the budget
You fight against loan forgiveness
You fight against gay marriage
You fight against bodily autonomy
You fight against preventing disinformation
You fight against balancing the budget
You fight against free speech and protests
You fight against freedom of religion
You fight against preventing monopolies
You fight against a living wage
You fight against reparations
You fight against free and easy access to voting
You fight against keeping families together
You fight against helping refugees
You fight against immigration
You fight against the most basic gun laws

What's their endgame? When they picture the future of the country run by Conservatives, what do they imagine seeing? I honestly don't get why anyone would call themselves a Republican anymore.

Naturally her thread is much more verbose and definitely worth a read.

The Tipping Point

2021-01-11T14:47:00.000-08:00

I'm angry. I guess I've been angry the last 4 years, but with the insurrection event of Jan 6th, that anger has overflowed and I don't know how to channel that. I'm so sick of the double standard this country has. I'm disgusted by the police's reaction to white supremacists mounting insurrection on our national Capitol vs their brutal attacks on peaceful BLM protestors.

I am angry that because they are white, they are largely ignored by the FBI and other law enforcement agencies even though they very publicly plan these events and these atrocities.

I am angry because there does not seem to be any accountability for ALL parties involved, including but not limited to 45, Hawley, Cruz, many House members, right wing media personalities and the companies that give them a platform on which to speak, and especially social media who have pushed this conspiracy crap at their users for years.

I am angry because I do not see accountability happening in coming days/weeks/years. I do not see that things will change. Republicans, Right Wing Media personalities, and social media companies have been pouring the gasoline on the ground for years. I see them continuing to be 100% amoral and putting profits over everything else, democracy and country be damned.

If justice is not sweepingly served, I don't know how to stop being angry. I don't think I can. I feel like we're in this huge battle of good vs evil, but evil is some how prevailing, though it is the minority.

I've stated since middle school that every empire falls. I didn't like the attempt by our schools to brainwash us into believing the US is the best nation in the world. It has some things going for it, for sure, but it's also supremely messed up and flawed in a lot of ways as well. Ways that we've ignored, that we've let fester, that we've even emboldened over the years instead of acknowledging, instead of taking responsibility for them and attempting to make them right.

Will we survive this? Will we come out stronger on the other side? Or will we limp along and maybe even fail? While I thought this would happen in my lifetime, I'm also disheartened that it did.

COVID-19

2020-12-22T09:35:00.005-08:00

I didn't have a severe case of COVID-19. I didn't need to be hospitalized or put on oxygen or pumped full of steroids. My loved ones, in fact, didn't even seem that worried about me (if they were, they hid it well).

But I was worried. And I still am.

Symptoms:

Dry cough
Muscle aches
Fatigue
Severe sinus pain
Headaches
Shortness of breath
Heart palpitations (could have been from the cough medicine?)
Lack of appetite
Extreme grumpiness
General bitchiness

My symptoms came on so slowly. First a mild dry cough. Then some aches, then fatigue, and wham! Sinus pressure. There were nights I was on all fours on the floor coughing so hard I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't sleep because my lower back and glutes ached so bad — and not in a I-just-did-the-best-workout-ever kind of way. And then there were the days I wanted to claw my face off my sinuses hurt so bad.

I was scared. I used a pulse oximeter to check my oxygen levels a few times a day. I never dropped below 95, though I read that 94 was when you should seek help. But through it all I tried to carry on like normal. I worked, cooked food and then forced myself eat a little of it, cleaned the bathroom, did laundry. I don't know if I was trying to fool myself into thinking I was still ok or if I was just delusional.

It wasn't until three weeks later when I finally turned a corner that I realized how not ok I had been. How I really should have stayed in bed and slept more, or lain in the bath to try to ease the muscle aches, or curled up on the couch and alternate between naps and mindless movies and embrace the healing process instead of trying to power on like I was fine.

I'm still a little scared, to be honest. No one knows what the long term effects are on our bodies. My lungs still feel 'dirty' and not quite right. I still experience random shortness of breath when I'm at rest. I still cough at times, and I'm still don't feel like I'm back to my normal energy level. One could write that last one off to our dark, dreary winter, but I'm not fully convinced that's it.

Every Empire Falls. History Says.

2020-09-22T10:03:00.001-07:00

I have always wondered about countries under minority rule. Like how did that come about? Why doesn't the majority rise up and take back the power? There are more of you, get on it. I know there are nuances and intricacies and there's no easy black and white answer to how it all comes about, but it's still baffled me, but not to any extent that I've put a lot of thought into it beyond that.

Until this year. With the passing of RGB and the rush to slam through a SC pick by the horrible, self-serving, hypocritical asshole who calls himself the senate majority leader, I've realized that this 2020 election will not only decide if this democracy lives to fight another day, but we are also on the precipice of a minority rule — on that could exist for generations.

Ever since middle school, I've said every empire falls, and would always scoff when people went on and on about how great this country is and how this is the best country in the whole world. I couldn't understand why everyone seemed to ignore the blatant flaws, the inequalities, the injustices that went on in front of our faces and blindly spouted propaganda rhetoric. I was repeatedly chastised, ridiculed, and called a traitor for expressing my dissenting thoughts of no, this isn't the greatest country in the world. No, we are not the best at everything. No, we do not always have the best ideas and shouldn't be forcing our way of doing things on everyone else. I never bought into that indoctrination we get taught in school. Maybe it's because I read European literature and studied European history. Maybe I'm just smarter than I give myself credit.

I briefly looked into the civil service when I was at university as a way to travel and see the world, but ultimately, I couldn't do it. I remember one diplomat I met said that above all, you had to tow the State Department's line, even if it was morally and ethically wrong. Even if your gut screamed at you not to. I couldn't do it. I couldn't live with that on my conscious.

Even though I've thought that from such a young age, I didn't necessarily think it would happen in my lifetime. Or if it did, it would happen when I was this young. And not to say it's happened yet, but the wheels are certainly in motion and so much hinges on the outcome of the Nov 3rd election this year. What a wake up call.

I can't even wrap my brain around it, to be honest. These are the things that happen to other countries. Poorer, less stable countries. Not to the US. Not to the leaders of the 'free' world and the prosthelytizers of democracy. Have we even been a democracy the last decade (2 decades? more?) though? That's another thing to consider. With the growing influence of corporations being treated like people, it seems we have become more of an oligarchy.

Ever since I was a teenager, I've wanted in immigrate. Guess I shouldn't have sat on it so long.

Notorious RBG

2020-09-20T20:03:00.004-07:00

Photo credit: slate.com

I’ve been trying to stay away from social media and the news this weekend. RGB’s passing, well, I don’t know how to process it. On the one hand, there’s the remembrance and celebration for all she did for women’s rights and equality. She was a force to be reckoned with and I will always be grateful for the stand she took against sexism and for women to control their own lives. She’s truly a role model in that respect and one to aspire to. I can’t imagine what my life would have been like today without her.

But overshadowing that is the hypocrisy of McConnell, one of the most evil, self-serving people in the US, and the Republican Party trying to ram through a SC pick less than 2 months before an election. Something he blocked for 8 MONTHS in Obama’s last term, saying the people have a right to choose. Hypocrisy, particularly in the name of religion, is one of my big triggers. I can’t help but be anxious right now, for myself, for all the women and minorities in this country, and for our democracy as a whole. These are not the types of battles I expected to live and fight in my life.

So here is a reminder, a call to action — one I will probably make several times in the coming weeks. #vote.

Don’t cop out and vote third party. Third party has never won, and it’s not going to win this year. Your protest vote hurts us all.

Don’t abstain from voting because you’ve given up. I get it, times are disheartening right now. But that just makes your voice all that more important. Can you imagine what a different world we’d live in if everyone turned out to vote?

Don't skip it because Joe Biden is meh for you. Also a cop out. I am hoping this is going to the the vote of my lifetime (I can't handle the stress of more than one of these). A vote for him, whether you agree with him or not, gives our democracy a fighting chance to survive. Full stop. It is currently hanging by a thread.

Just vote. Please vote.

I wish we had the hindsight of 20/20 already. I'd really love to know how the historians portray this era of our history. It is not going to be favorable.

19 Years

2020-09-11T12:18:00.000-07:00

I will never forget how confused I was when the djs on the morning show I listened to when getting ready for my 8am class weren’t their usual boisterous selves. My brain wouldn’t compute. I finally flipped on the news and woke my roommates; together we watched in horror from 3000 miles away as a plane crashed into the second tower. I sat with my class later listening to the radio as one of my classmates sobbed because his dad was there in NY for a meeting and he couldn’t get ahold of him. Was he in the towers?

Numb. Lost for words. Anxious. Utterly dumbfounded. Heavy hearted. Devastated. I’m crying again just thinking back on it.

But I watched Americans run into those collapsing buildings to try to help those who couldn’t get out. I saw strangers leaning on each other and offering each other support. All across the nation we banded together to grieve, to sympathize, to share stories and remember those who were lost, to help each other get through the nightmare perpetrated by hate and intolerance. It offered such as sense of hope that we could get through this, and anything, together.

19 years later I see us tearing each other apart. I see us so caught up in individualism, in greed, in selfishness. I see that hate and intolerance being perpetrated from within, no longer masked or hidden by the social norms of decency because the one who is supposed to lead us is himself inciting that fear, that violence, that division, that me against them mentality that drives a wedge between us. And a large group of us have been letting him; enabling him even.

I feel those same tings I did 19 years ago when I see so many of us turning a blind eye to 200,000 deaths — 66x as many as those who died in 9/11. Let that sink in. 66 9/11s.

We may not have been able to prevent 9/11, but we could have prevented a lot of these deaths in 2020 by looking out for each other, by wearing masks, by keeping our distance. We could have banded together like we used to and made this easier for ourselves. It was and is that simple.

2020 will be another year that I will never forget or the 200,000 and counting that we have chosen to sacrifice out of selfishness and lack of empathy. I will remember you as well. 🇺🇸

Do we really care about our kids?

2020-04-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

I don't talk a lot publicly about my religious upbringing or why I decided to essentially turn my back on it. In fact, I generally try to hide it. But a recent exchange with my mom about what's going on with kids and education during this COVID19 pandemic has made me reconsider my stance on that.

Today we got into an argument about who is responsible right now for kids' education now that the majority of schools across the country have closed. A friend of mine teaches kindergarten in a rural community and is extremely stressed out at the moment trying to figure out how to go about remote teaching 5/6 year olds and what's being asked of her by the school district. It's a huge adjustment, especially when a portion of your kids don't have access to technology or whose parents don't take an active interest, whether that's because they are just uninterested parents or, most likely, they don't have time because they are among the many who are in essential service jobs who are now keeping this country afloat, or they are so stressed out about losing their job and how they're going to pay their rent/mortgage, keep the lights on and put food on the table that they don't have the time or brain capacity to take on being their child's teacher as well.

My mom's opinion is education is now the responsibility of the parent, not the teacher, and my friend shouldn't stress out about it. I asked about the low income and already disadvantaged kids. Should my friend also not worry about them getting lost or falling behind?

Nope.

Even though not worrying about them and not trying to go the extra mile for them means they are likely to be destined to continue in a life of poverty, with the likelihood of time in juvenile detention and/or prison?

Shrug.

At this point I was too angry to be articulate. I told her to check her white privilege. She told me to stop name calling. I said it wasn't name calling, but calling attention to her inherent bias.

How could one who professes to be a follower of Jesus have no empathy? How could one who votes solely on one issue (anti-abortion) fight so hard to overturning women's rights to choose, but then care so little for them and their children in their struggle for a decent shot at life?

The Jesus I was raised to believe in was compassionate. He was accepting and empathetic. He taught to turn the other cheek and only those without sin could cast a stone (meaning absolutely no one). He taught us to care for and love our neighbors; extend and hand and help those who needed it. Anyone who needs it, not just the ones who look like us or share the same beliefs as us.

No where in the bible do I remember it saying to be judgmental. To shrug off other's hardships. To turn a blind eye to inequality and racial bias; to be for one's self and not for the community at large; to hate and badger those who do not believe the same as you. But as the years go by and the US becomes more and more politicized, that's all I see from the so-called Christians. Hypocrisy.

I hate that I don't see eye to eye with my mom on this when I feel like I should.

Stuff, Stuff, Stuff

2018-10-20T11:25:00.000-07:00

Gah, I am so overwhelmed by stuff!

I have spent a large part of this year living out of my carry-on suitcase (which I love!) and my backpack (which I am having mixed feelings about lately). And I have to say, I've done a pretty excellent job of packing for each trip, with the exception of Europe this summer — I brought too much. I let my fears of societal stereotypes get in the way on that one. Maybe that's a topic for another post.

I am home now, for the foreseeable future, and I find myself not able to deal with the amount of stuff I have. I've gone through big purges before, but I've been looking at my stuff and thinking, Oh I need that. Not any more. Right now I just want it all to go. A suitcase and a backpack seems like enough stuff to have.

When Restless, Try to Resurrect the Blog

2018-09-19T11:38:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling very restless this weekend. Restless and not excited about life. I feel whenever that happens I turn to my pretty much now dormant blog to write. To get out on 'paper' what's swirling in my brain so I can hopefully move on.

As I look back at my blog posts, I see this is a pattern for me. For the last 3 years, at least, I have posts that sound like I could have written them today. The thing is, I never published them. Mostly because when I feel like this, I like to pull up pictures from the year to remind myself all the cool shit I've done. But posting pictures on here is not an easy thing to do nicely. Hence, I never get the post finished and published. I feel like I need to remedy that somehow. I'd love to be able to look back at those posts and see how far I've come from the year prior when I get these feels. Guess I'll look again into ways to try to make that happen.

When the Introvert Needs

2018-05-29T05:45:00.000-07:00

I'm standing at a train station in Lisbon struggling not to cry. I'm not sure what to do with this emotion as I've never been a crier and I feel terribly embarrassed to do it in public.

As an introvert, I crave time alone. I thought it'd be a great idea, after an overwhelming week of people and the events of Codegarden, to spend quite a few weeks in Europe doing my thing — wandering about, seeing new places, meeting new people, and just generally enjoying myself. Today I strangely find myself wishing I were on my way home instead of a new place, new adventure.

It's been interesting to talk to people about my summer plans and hear the envy in their voice, the way I used to get envious of others who traveled and holidayed in places I wanted to go. After a month in Australia earlier this year, and now this trip, I'm seeing the other side. I'm seeing how isolating it can be. And, despite being alone, how overwhelming and non-rejuvenating it is. And I'm questioning my decision today.

I'm sure it's adrenaline let down and I will adjust soon, but for now, I'm feeling out of sorts and needing my people. And apparently a good cry. In public.

2017 Recap

2017-12-31T11:29:00.015-08:00

Sometimes, when I'm particularly not excited about my life, what I'm doing, where I'm going, I try to remember all the cool shit I've done.

So this is a recap for me on 2017.

Kicked the year off by joining the Women's March in downtown Bellingham. Amazing.
In February, I took a trip up to Okanagan Country, British Columbia with Maya to do some exploring and wine tasting
In March, I headed to Colorado for the annual US Umbraco Festival. Did a little hike in Rocky Mountain National Park as well.
I had an air mile credit I had to use before the end of April, so I got myself on a plane and headed to Charleston, SC with a side trip to Savanah, GA
May was a busy month with trips to Seattle with my mom to see the Secret Garden on 5th Avenue; a day on Whidbey Island playing tourist; and a trip to Packwood for the annual Memorial Weekend junk market
My pilgrimage to Europe was in June this year visiting Bergen, Stavanger, and Flam in Norway before hitting Odense, Denmark for the Umbraco Codegarden Conference and finishing up in Copenhagen with a wee bike tour of the city. In all the years I've been going there, I hadn't done that yet.
The end of June also saw me to Sunriver, OR for a family vacay. Caving, river floating, bocci ball, beer, hiking, oh my!
In July, I took another trip to Packwood and also moved from High Street to the condo. Bkitty was not amused by any of that.
After settling in and doing some summer hiking at both Baker and the Chuckanuts, I took off for Quebec, Canada at the end of August. Always wanted to see what Eastern Canada was like. Quebec City was hands down my fav; the hike Acropole des Draveurs in Hautes-Gorges-de-la-Rivière-Malbaie National Park nearly killed me, but it was so worth it; and I found Montreal to be so very overwhelming, but they had tasty vegan food and pretty cool architecture.
September I chopped my hair off, celebrated Oliver's 11th birthday and hiked Heliotrope with Deb and Nate, and took a work trip to windy San Francisco.
For my birthday, I tagged along to Vegas with Maya who was going for a conference. We saw The Weeknd at T-Mobile Park and then I took of to hike at Zion National Park for a few days during her conference. Uh-MAzing. After her conference we hit up Death Valley National Park (out of this world), and Valley of Fire State Park in Nevada. So much amazing desert time ❤️🏜
November took me over the pond again to the UK Festival in London, a fun side trip up to Huddersfield, England; then on to Scotland where Maya met me for a quick overview of the highlands before spending a few days in Edinburgh with clients.
December was filled with all the holiday cheer — cookies, decorations, and ugly sweater Seahawks game at Sharye's. Sharye, Bob and I also hit up The Lights of Christmas for a little extra Christmas cheer.

It's interesting for me to see that I traveled somewhere almost every month this year. A very good year all-in-all. Maybe some day I'll update this post with pictures.

Cheers to Frustrations

2017-08-21T15:38:00.002-07:00

What drives me to drink? Technology. And that's sad because that's my job, in a manner of speaking.

We've built a culture that just expects things to work. Pros of that are, well, it's my job, so it keeps me in business. Cons of that are I've lost sight of "Oo, problem to solve!" and now think, "OMG! Why isn't this working!?? I didn't budget time for this."

Hence, cocktails.

Cheers!

(But really fuck that shit. Why the fuck isn't this working? Can you tell the cocktails are already in progress? That is not a glass of ice water there on my desk. Nope, that's a splash of La Croix in my vodka. The fancy kind - blackberry cucumber or some such shit. It's good stuff.)

Current Feels

2017-06-20T11:39:00.000-07:00

"Risk-taking is a 0:1 binary: either you did it, or you didn't. When fear holds you back, you come out 0."
- cite

I am not extraordinarily happy at the moment. I don't know that I would go so far to say I'm unhappy or depressed or anything along those lines, but I'm definitely not happy. I'm restless; I'm anxious; I'm agitated, and I feel a bit lost.

I want a new experience, but I have no direction. I want more security, but I want the thrill of not being tied down. I want to be inspired, awed, impassioned, but I feel weighed down, unmotivated, and stuck in a rut.

I'm Sorry, but I'm Really Not

2017-06-19T11:59:00.000-07:00

This year so far has been a struggle for me. I'd like to blame it all on the particularly terrible winter and spring we've had: the lack of sun; the endless days of clouds, rain, and drizzle. And I'm sure that does contribute to it, but I'm not sure that's all of it.

Lately, I've been struggling with the 'always on' and 'always connected' mentality that has become so pervasive in our culture. I hate it. It absolutely drains me. It makes me angry. And I start pushing people away.

I just want to shut down for a bit. Regroup. And it seems like I can't.

It makes me wonder at times if I was born in the wrong era but as a woman and feminist, I don't think I would have survived in an earlier era. I am so not the submissive type. I am not one to take a back seat to a man or cater to his career or bullshit needs like they're more important than mine. Never gonna happen.

But I digress.

When it comes to this 'always on' mentality, I don't feel in control of my life anymore. I think that is the root of my struggle. I have messages coming at me on Twitter, Whatsapp, Slack, Facebook, Instagram, Skype, email—and they're all demanding something of me. Immediately. And when I don't answer them fast enough, I get messages like: What's wrong with you?

And when I say I need to shut down, I need space, I get messages like: That hurts my feelings. And: Why don't you like me anymore?

It's not about you. It's about me. It's about my mental health. It's about respecting my feelings and that I've asked for space. It's about letting me get back to you in my own time when I feel ready.

Your insecurities are not my fault. It's not about you. It's about me.

I know I'm not always great about verbalizing what I need. I'd rather just shut down. Ghost. Disappear. But I'm trying to get better at it. It's a mutual respect thing. I get that. At the same time, I'm tired of apologizing for who I am.

I'm sorry I don't want to talk right now. I'm sorry I don't want to go to your event. I'm sorry I don't want to go out tonight. I'm sorry if my withdrawal hurts your feelings.

But I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry at all.

I'm an introvert.

Roughly half of the population are introverts, yet society doesn't seem to be ok with that or how we're different.

We're repeatedly told there is something wrong with us; we don't measure up; it's not ok to unplug, to take time for ourselves ...

...to be present.

But I don't want to live my life online. I don't want to constantly be available. I don't want to cater to extroversion. And I definitely don't want to have to defend myself as an introvert.

I want to be mindful. I want to live in the present. I want to surround myself physically with people I love; people who support me, who I support. I want to be still. Silent. I want to be out in nature and not tied to a screen. I want to be respected for who I am and the choices I make.

I want to choose when, how, and where I engage and not be dictated to.

I want to feel like I'm in control again.

It's History in the Making, That's For Sure.

2016-11-09T10:45:00.002-08:00

I'm not sure I know how to articulate my feelings today. I feel sick, disheartened, sad, angry, and scared. Mostly scared, I guess. I had no idea how much hatred and animosity there is in this country. When it came down to it, I had no idea people would actually vote someone in to power who does not respect humanity and whose ultimate goal is to benefit himself at all costs.

I'm scared for my rights as a woman. To be respected. To have control over what happens to my body. To be treated fairly as a human being. To have equal rights and opportunities as that of a white man. To be seen as a person, not an object.

I'm scared for those who identify as LBGT. I'm scared their rights will be stripped; that persecution for their decision of how they choose to live their life will escalate; that incidents of violence against them will increase.

I'm scared for anyone who is not white and does not profess to be an 'acceptable' white religion. I'm scared that the divisive language Trump spews will cause more riots, more unrest, more violence, more death.

I'm scared for the millions of people who potentially face deportation. People who know nothing but the US. People who's families will be ripped apart. People who's lives are at risk if they are returned to their country of origin. I'm scared of what their deportation might mean for our economy - especially agriculture.

I'm scared for the people who are trying to seek asylum here because they fear for their lives. Sorry, but we not longer have any empathy. We are too scared of our differences.

I'm scared I'll lose my health insurance and I'll just be shit out of luck.

I'm scared that the growing gap in income will be further exacerbated, to the point where there's just no hope anymore.

I'm scared that the hate rhetoric spewed will further the animosity felt by extremists who will attack back as we further alienate them. And of course, we will take no blame as if we did not antagonize them to begin with instead of acting in love and understanding.

I'm afraid that nuclear will become an option of first resort instead of last, endangering and taking countless lives unnecessarily.

I feel sorry for those in the poorest counties who think that Trump can bring back lost economies.

I'm scared for our environment.

I don't know who we are anymore. When did we start turning on our neighbors and those in need of help? When did we stop seeing each other as people first? When did we lose respect, curiosity, and understanding of our differences? Did we ever have that or is that just wishful thinking on my part?

I am ever so thankful I decided not to have children. This is not a legacy I would like to leave them.

Yellow Aster Butte: North Cascades - Mt Baker Area

2016-07-30T20:53:00.010-07:00

A day hike with Maya and Brittany

Heather / Maple Pass Loop - North Cascades: North Cascades Hwy

2016-07-23T21:00:00.005-07:00

Healthcare Compared

2016-06-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

I seem to be 2-2 for medical issues during Umbraco events this year. The US healthcare system lost big time compared to the Danish healthcare system, which is so sad considering I'm American, not Danish, but they sure treated me a whole lot better.

To recap the American experience – after a mile or so walk, sat 2+ hours in a really dirty walk-in clinic only to be turned away because they wouldn't take my insurance (which I do have because I'm required by law) and then wouldn't let me pay cash when I begged. Begged. Walked another half mile to another clinic where I had to lie about having insurance so someone would see me (though she first sounded like she wanted to turn me away since I said I didn't have insurance), paid $250 for less than 5 min of the doctor's time where he didn't even do a rapid strep test, prescribed me penicillin (which I ended up being really allergic to) and didn't even end up needing because I most likely did not have strep. This took the better part of a day to accomplish.

The Danish experience on the other hand – they saw me within 15 min of arrival, perform the rapid test to confirm my issue, did not charge me anything (though they were supposed to), and gave me my prescription of choice to avoid allergies, all in just over an hour, which included the 2km walk to the hospital and a stop by the pharmacy to pick up the prescription because they didn't have that particular one on hand. It cost me $7.

Suffice it to say, I would much much rather be sick in Denmark than in the US.