RECOVERY REHAB

We suffering from alienation from our child within

2015-06-05T13:44:00.000+01:00

We suffering from alienation from our child within, we know what it’s like to have our quality of life devastated, and feel cut off from our self, our emotions, and the people around us. We obsess about others issues constantly and are frightened by the very nature of our childhood existence.

We feel detached from our own self, like an automaton without free will, numb to everything and everyone around us. The world feels flat, and two dimensional. People seemed like robots, and we felt that we have lost parts of ourselves.

There are many days we felt like we were going to lose control and go insane.

We have suffered alone, and had no one that empathised with what we were going through. No one could possibly understand what we were dealing with, or the nature of our disorder. When we are introduced to the stages experienced moments of realisation permeated us.

We at the Stages strongly believe it takes more than talk therapy to break through when there is severe trauma in the background.

2015-06-04T10:12:00.004+01:00

When we reach and make the decision to study at the The stages we have become very proficient at dissociating. One of our favourite paraphernalia for our fix are Social Media, computers-games, films and books.

We use social media the way an alcoholic uses drink.

We do not question WHY we would need this addiction. It is just accepted as a matter of fact that we have become slightly flawed and weak and would attempt to escape living life whenever possible. We are seen as different ‘defective’.
Social Media are still a favourite way of feeding our dissociation addiction. As an alcoholic has bottles hidden all over the house, We have Facebook,twitter, Instagram etc. What will happen if there is an empty moment, and we did not have a phone or tablet to whisk our mind away from actually living in the present moment? What would happen if we actually had to ‘be’ instead of constantly dissociating???

The only way we have learned to deal with our difficulties is to dissociate. The idea of their being any other option is foreign to us. We even trained our children to deal with their difficult emotions by dissociating. When our children are very young and having trouble managing their emotions, We would tell them, “Go into the next room and do not come out until you have changed.” We have learned to become very obedient; we leave the room in a tantrum state, but soon will emerge, smiling, pleasant, and happy. Any vestige of a problem is gone without a trace.

Having dissociative parents, you learn dissociation from them – both by being taught it directly, and by example. Parents who dissociate are unable to help a child go through their emotions. They are to help the child learn that an emotion is nothing to fear, but something that is very valuable and precious, helpful in living life. We sincerely believe that switching off an emotion is the best way to deal with it.

We had never heard of the concept of self-soothing, it was pleasant to do some so-called ‘self-soothing ‘ activities, and I felt mildly better when I did them. But the concepts of staying with an emotion, sitting with it until it changes, and using a self soothing technique instead of switching, are all foreign to us. We are too terrified of emotions to ever do this. We are afraid of fear itself, and will go to immense means not to experience the emotion of fear, or any other emotion, without ever realising that we are doing this. We have control of ourself. We feel we can handle anything.
We become careful with organised groups of people, and with individuals who might not be safe. We learn what to look for, how to tell whether or not something was safe, how to tell whether or not we are accessed. Eventually, we realise we are safe, our children are safe and well on their way to healing, we all have our safeguards in place.We have no reason not to live in the present, We are relatively free from harm from external sources, so there was no longer a need to dissociate, so we are DONE with dissociation, right? we lived happily ever after, end of story?

Obviously WRONG!

Long ago, decades ago, We have made the decision that life was not worth living – it was something to ‘get through’ as smoothly and mindlessly as possible until we could die. The rule had been to imperceptibly stay as non-present as possible, while going about the business of doing what we had to do to ‘survive’, to pass as human. That was a rule we learned deep, deep down.
Einstein said: “I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be.” That can be exceedingly difficult. When we embark on this journey of recovery we have not realised that healing required CHANGE on our part. We wanted the constant pain and anguish to stop, but we didn’t want my actual self to be different. We did not want to have to uproot the very foundations of our beliefs and actions and metaphorically relearn how to walk again. We wanted to be free of the continual anguish we experienced, the continual need to cover up our lapses due to dissociation; the continual sporadic loss of time, the hopscotching nature of our abilities – sometimes being able to do certain things; other times have no concept of, or even any desire to have certain abilities.We wanted relief of all my symptoms, but I did not really want to “heal”.
When a person is finally ready to start dealing with their addiction, they gradually realise that they then have to deal with what caused their addiction in the first place; what they had been unwilling/unable to face originally, what drove them to drink. Only now their problems were compounded by all the problems that alcoholism brings. “The worst would pass in a few days. I’d feel good and I’d think, “I’ve got it down pat.” But then I’d look at my life and feel bad. That’s the real pain when you’re an addict. USING HURTS, BUT REALITY HURTS WORSE.”
when we are not dissociating, we look at our life and realise this is so very different than what we have envisioned. We do not have a birth family, We do not have in-laws, We do not have blood relatives, We do not have a life partner. We give up an immense amount of ourself to insure that we would have all these things, and when we stopped dissociating, We realise that not only did we have none of those people in our life, We are also missing major portions of ourself. It has taken us along time to realise two things:
1. How can you lose what you never had? I never did have those things, only a pretence.And 2. We now have things that are far more important and valuable than those ever were in reality.But. We are still addicted. We know we would not have survived if we had not had the skill of dissociation. It served us quite well. It saved our lives. Now we don’t want to rely on it; we don’t want to do it automatically we have identified three types of dissociation we struggle with:1. The first way is the simple practice of spacing out or shutting off. we use this for two different purposes:1. Avoidance when we are unwilling or unable to face things2. A learned way to be able to switch. There are many times when we cannot access the parts that have the information and skills we need in a situation. Throughout the decades we have learned that a way to handle this was just to shut off completely inside, and sooner or later the information we needed would gradually seep to the surface or some other place in my mind where it would become accessible to me.2. A second way we dissociate is to switch to other parts inside.It has taken us time to be able to tell when we am not ourself. we blend through most alter personalities, and it used to be easy to believe we are just being ‘us’. We’ve learned to be alert to various factors. One is what age we feel. Other ways we have found to know when I am not Child Within present are to feel what size the body seems, relative to other people or objects; Sometimes we look at a dog, and it feels as if the dog is shoulder height to me. Ooops. No Child within present! Other ways are to recognise what the emotional tone is and what the values are, what sort of things are important to us. How do I want to spend my time? A numbing activity such as computer games? Oops. That is not a Child within choice for us. So who is out and why?

3. The third way we dissociate is one that may be difficult to grasp if we don’t use it. If we do, We will definitely know what we are talking about. We will tell us that some people whom we have discussed this with have found this concept highly triggering. We found ourself talking to our guides about a ‘construct’. They asked us what we mean by that term; at the time we had not a clue.We have since learned that we create a construct when we are functioning through something that is not an alter. We are always looking for a perfect ‘formula’ that we could leave in place, and personally go away. Life was something to be endured, and gotten through as gracefully and safely as possible, while the real ‘us’ was tucked away somewhere inaccessible. When we are preparing to be in a situation which we may perceive as threatening, we automatically figure out what qualities would be appropriate and useful for that event; find parts inside that have those qualities; put them together and create an ‘artificial’ persona to deal with the situation.

We do want to say that we do not believe all dissociation is from addiction. If a person is still around perpetrators, dissociation may still be necessary. But once dissociation is learned as the major means to handle difficult emotions, a person will continue to use it automatically from then on, and it greatly lessens the quality of our life.
Having decided we wanted to do away with this addiction and the pain it causes us, We find specific strategies helpful, when we are not dissociating our decision to stop dissociating: We would like to share these with you.We would like to start with a quote we found: “No one healing intervention will enable a person to manifest the full scope of his or her wholeness. To maximally heal it is important not to limit ourselves to a single modality but to incorporate several healing practices that encompass body, mind, and spirit.”

We at the Stages strongly believe it takes more than talk therapy to break through when there is severe trauma in the background. It takes physical actions, whatever form they may take. When we are faced with severe trauma, the fight or flight response gets activated. This shuts down the cortex; the part of our brain that can reason, plan and make sense of things. Pieces of the event, snapshot pictures, get recorded, but the meaning does not. They are memories that do not make sense. After the trauma, these unresolved emotions are frozen in the body. Think of what the physiological responses are to any emotion and what it means for these responses to be stopped before completion and remain in the body. There is an ‘act hunger’ remaining – the body wants to move through and resolve these physiological processes. The body remembers even when the mind forgets.

The body acts as our unconscious mind. At the Stages we have found a need to implement a full range of both play and safe drama therapies, to release our trapped body memories that are frozen into our child within.

We are ruled by trauma—not truth

2015-05-29T00:39:00.002+01:00

We are ruled by trauma—not truth. We are the norm. We remain unconscious of the legacy of poison that we carry from our families and ancestors. We are destructive toward ourselves, others, and our home. In essence, We are wounded children, seeking to exploit others and the world in order to make up for the deficits of our childhood. We are rapacious and violent—which are expressions of our childhood neglect.

In exile, far from their unconscious families, students of the ten stages have found their true home

2015-05-29T00:32:00.002+01:00

In exile, far from their unconscious families, students of the ten stages have found their true home

In exile, far from their unconscious families, students of the ten stages have found their true home—within their true selves. In this inner world of the child within, so feared by the conventional world and seen as tantamount to death, they find life. In their exile they establish an outpost that is safe and sustaining. In exile, far from the soul-crushing noise of the traumatised masses, they find truth—and it is within. They are enlightened in exile. In their solitude, they find others with whom to build a conscious community and a new creation. They expand the boundaries of what it means to be human and they lead the way for others. But there is a price to pay to live this new way. They must abandon self-deception and the comforts of conformity—and align with truth and creative vitality.

Emotional abuse is defined as any non-physical behaviours or attitudes that are designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate you.

2015-05-26T18:29:00.001+01:00

Emotional abuse is defined as any non-physical behaviours or attitudes that are designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate you. Emotional abuse is like brainwashing that systematically wears away self-confidence, self-worth, trust in your perceptions and your authentic self-concept. Recognising how you allow abuse from other people will also help you to see how you continue to "abuse" yourself on an inner level by perpetuating the negative messages that you have heard from others.

Understanding the Patterns of Emotional Abuse

Domination - To dominate is to control another person's actions. The person who tries to dominate another person has a tremendous need to have their own way. Dominating behaviors might include having someone monitor your time and activities, interfering with your opportunities, excessive jealousy or possessiveness, threatening harm to you or your loved ones, abusing loved ones in front of you, forcing or coercing you into illegal or uncomfortable behavior.

Verbal Assaults - Verbal assaults include berating, belittling, criticising, humiliating, name calling, screaming, threatening, excessive blaming, shaming, using sarcasm in a cutting way, or expressing disgust toward a person. This kind of abuse is extremely damaging to a person's person's self-esteem and self-image. Verbal abuse assaults the mind and the soul, causing wounds that are difficult to heal. Other forms of verbal abuse are withholding, countering, discounting, verbal abuse disguised as jokes, judging, trivialising, ordering, and abusive anger.

Constant Criticism/Continual Blaming - When someone is unrelentingly critical, always finds fault, can never be pleased, and blames you for everything that goes wrong, it is the cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage. Over time, the abuse eats away at your self-worth, undermining good feelings that you have about yourself and your accomplishments. Constant criticism and blaming can be insidious and done under the guise of humour.

Abusive Expectations - Abusive expectations involves placing unreasonable demands and asks that you put everything aside to satisfy another's needs. It asks for undivided attention, constant sexual availability, or the requirement for you to spend all of your time with another. With abusive expectations there is always more that you could have done. You likely will be subjected to constant criticism, berated because you do not meet another's needs.

Emotional Blackmail - Emotional blackmail is one of the most constant forms of manipulation. It happens when one person consciously or unconsciously coerces the other to do what he or she wants by playing on fear, guilt, or compassion. Using withholding love, or affection or fear tactics to get you under control is emotional blackmail. With emotional black mail a person will try to make you feel like you are selfish or a bad person if you do something that they do not want you to do.

Unpredictable Responses - This type of abuse includes drastic mood swings, sudden emotional outbursts for no apparent reason, and inconsistent responses such as: reacting very differently at different times to the same behaviour, saying one thing one day and the opposite the next, or frequently changing one's mind (liking something one day hating it the next). Unpredictable responses causes you to feel on constantly on edge, never knowing what is expected of you. This kind of behaviour is common with alcohol and drug abusers who can exhibit one personality while sober and a totally different one when intoxicated or high. Living with someone like this is extremely demanding and anxiety provoking You feel constantly frightened, unsettled, and off- balance, and must remain hypervigilant.

Constant Chaos/Creating Crisis - This behaviour is characterised by continual upheavals and discord. If someone in your life is in constant conflict with others they may be addicted to the drama of chaos. Creating chaos provides excitement for people who are uneasy with silence, those who distract themselves from their own problems by focusing on outer problems, those who feel empty inside and need to fill themselves up with outer activity, and those who were raised in an environment in which harmony and peace where unknown qualities.

Character Assassination - This involves constantly blowing up someone's mistakes out of proportion, humiliating, criticising, or making fun of someone in front of others, or discounting another's achievements. It can also include lying about someone in order to negatively affect others' opinion of them and gossiping about a person's failures and mistakes. Character assassination can also ruin someone's personal or professional reputation, causing them to lose friends, or even their family.

Gaslighting - This term comes from the classic movie "Gaslight", in which a husband uses a variety of insidious techniques to make his wife question her perceptions, her memory, and her very sanity. A person who does this may continually deny that certain events occurred or may insinuate that you are exaggerating or lying. In this way the abusive person may be trying to gain control over you or avoid taking responsibility for his or her actions. Gaslighting is sometimes used to turn others against you, or as a way to justify inappropriate, cruel, or abusive behaviour.

Sexual Harassment - Sexual harassment is defined as unwelcome sexual advances or any physical or verbal conduct of a sexual nature that is uninvited and unwelcome. It is also considered sexual harassment when a partner tries to force you into sexual acts that you have no interest in or that upset or repulse you.

Trauma addiction the dissociation of escapism of must be healed if the intergenerational cycle of re-traumatising is ever to be broken. There is no other way.

2015-05-23T10:36:00.000+01:00

Trauma addiction the dissociation of escapism of must be healed if the intergenerational cycle of re-traumatising is ever to be broken. There is no other way.

Many trauma victims emotionally “fly away” in their minds to escape the horror they are experiencing. Not surprisingly, flying dreams are common.

2015-05-23T10:15:00.000+01:00

Dreams and traumatic experiences are similar.

Both involve intense emotion, though in traumatic experiences the emotion results from external stimuli, whereas in dreams it comes from internal flashbacks of the split-off trauma we carry in our psyche. No surprise that adults and children with Post traumatic Stress Disorder often have terrible flashbacks in their dreams.

Both involve periods of dissociation. Many trauma victims emotionally “fly away” in their minds to escape the horror they are experiencing. Not surprisingly, flying dreams are common.

Both are connected with our parents. Our parents in childhood are our primary traumatizers, because when we were children they had more power over us than will anyone later in our life. It’s no surprise that parents, either overtly or covertly, symbolise so much in dreams, especially when our primary traumas start to bubble up.

Both are connected with psychosis. Extreme traumatic experiences can cause psychosis, whereas dreams themselves are nothing more than psychosis during sleep. And the most traumatized people do their dreaming while awake – by hallucinating and having delusions.

Both involve denial. Society denies all but the most intense traumas and minimizes the rest; most people do the same with their dreams. In this vein, most people believe they had a happy, non-traumatic childhood; these are the same people who wish you “sweet dreams” at night.

Both involve the repetition compulsion. We compulsively replicate our unresolved traumas in an attempt to heal them. Likewise, we often have repeats of the same dreams – or dream themes.

Both rupture the borders of our personality. Traumatic experiences force their way through the psyche like a nail through a board, whereas dreams are the psyche’s attempt to pull the nail out of the board.

As such, both involve the essence of our life’s process. Traumatic experiences destroy life; dreams hope to reclaim it.

Society denies all but the most intense traumas and minimises the rest

2015-05-23T07:02:00.001+01:00

Society denies all but the most intense traumas and minimises the rest; most of us do the same with our dreams. In this vein, we believe we had a happy, non-traumatic childhood; these are the same of us who wish us “sweet dreams” at night.

Both involve the repetition compulsion. We compulsively replicate our unresolved traumas in an attempt to heal them. Likewise, we often have repeats of the same dreams – or dream themes.

Both rupture the borders of our personality. Traumatic experiences force their way through the psyche like a nail through a board, whereas dreams are the psyche’s attempt to pull the nail out of the board.

As such, both involve the essence of our life’s process. Traumatic experiences destroy life; dreams hope to reclaim it.

RECOVERY REHAB

We suffering from alienation from our child within

We at the Stages strongly believe it takes more than talk therapy to break through when there is severe trauma in the background.

When we reach and make the decision to study at the The stages we have become very proficient at dissociating. One of our favourite paraphernalia for our fix are Social Media, computers-games, films and books.

We use social media the way an alcoholic uses drink.

Obviously WRONG!

The body acts as our unconscious mind. At the Stages we have found a need to implement a full range of both play and safe drama therapies, to release our trapped body memories that are frozen into our child within.

Related articles

We are ruled by trauma—not truth

In exile, far from their unconscious families, students of the ten stages have found their true home

In exile, far from their unconscious families, students of the ten stages have found their true home

Related articles

Emotional abuse is defined as any non-physical behaviours or attitudes that are designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate you.

Related articles

Trauma addiction the dissociation of escapism of must be healed if the intergenerational cycle of re-traumatising is ever to be broken. There is no other way.

Many trauma victims emotionally “fly away” in their minds to escape the horror they are experiencing. Not surprisingly, flying dreams are common.

Related articles

Society denies all but the most intense traumas and minimises the rest

Related articles