The Immortal Alcoholic: Surviving the Chaos

Change is hard

2025-06-09T09:33:00.000-04:00

Survival. That feels like a whole sentence in just one word. It’s a command, hope, and/or an objective. It can also be a noun or a verb. Interesting. There’s another sentence in just one word.

Saying that my life as the wife of an alcoholic was difficult only touches the tip of the iceberg. When Riley died I wanted to get out of the alcoholic world forever. My kids encouraged me to make that change. They saw my involvement with alcoholism as being chained to the past. So I took their advice – or more accurately – I tried to take their advice. But, that meant leaving more than 20 years of lifestyle behind me and ignoring all the strings pulling me back.

When an alcoholic quits drinking they leave a known, familiar, lifestyle behind and adapts to something new and different. The same thing happens for the people that surround the alcoholic. They must adapt to what is unfamiliar and possibly uncomfortable. Even though everyone is moving into a healthier lifestyle the change is hard.

My change from being the alcoholism blogger, author, and, coach, to just being a regular person was not an easy thing. I FAILED. I still took phone calls from people in crisis; answered e-mails; and occasionally wrote a blog post. I told myself that I left alcoholism in the dust because I began a new journey in my life. But, it was (and is) still there. It sits just behind my left shoulder and whispers in my ear to remind it is still a part of my life.

Was I really a failure? I’ve thought long and hard, had several discussions, and decided that I am not really a failure. I’ve just altered the course of my journey. I’m still focused on having the best life I can but “my best life” includes bits and pieces of alcoholism. After close to 30 years of being involved In the devil’s brew, I find it has become a part of who I am.

Hello! My name is Linda and I’m a happily regular person who is also a clothing designer, a mystery book author, and alcoholism survivor. I’m open and available for advice, feedback and discussions in designing, writing and alcoholism.

You can find me at:

www.spoiled-sweet-boutique.com

My books are available on Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=Linda+Bartee+Doyne&crid=1B2J2J0QL3ZZ2&sprefix=linda+bartee+doyne%2Caps%2C84&ref=nb_sb_noss

Workbook for Caretakers of End-Stage Alcoholics Temporarily Dead

Posting Trust No On

Posting Two Chaos Came to Dinner

Surviving the Chaos

Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife Huh? ABCs of Understanding Women

The Immortal Life of Riley That Reminds Me

You don’t have to fail at making the change from the alcoholism world to the “regular” world. It’s a change you can make and keep for a lifetime. It doesn’t matter what the alcoholic is doing. It only matters what YOU are doing to maintain some semblance of sanity. Take alcoholism out of your playbook. Focus on what you like and move the alcoholism energy to what you like. Alcoholism will still be there. It will be trying to take over your entire focus, but don’t let it. Tell alcoholism NO and go back to what you like.

OK. I know the word NO is hard to say. Practice saying it. When a commercial comes on TV tell it NO. When the dishwasher skips a cycle – say NO and start the dishwasher over. Offer no explanation, just the one word NO. You can do it. After a while it won’t be so uncomfortable.

Here’s a little exercise: Send a comment that says:

Hello! My name is _______ and I’m (striving to be) a _________ person who is also a _____________, and alcoholism survivor. I’m open and available for advice, feedback and discussions in ____________ and alcoholism.

I’m looking forward to seeing how you changing the focus in your life.

Cirrohosis -- It's simple until it's not

2025-01-22T17:23:00.015-05:00

Cirrhosis is the most common ailments associated with alcoholism. Upon receiving the diagnosis, many people feel lost in a huge pond without a rowboat or paddle. Doctors speak in “doctor language” while the rest of us speak in “regular language.” The thing that is the clear is that the patient must stop drinking. That is true, but there is a lot more to cirrhosis than that.

Cirrhosis is the hardening of the liver as the cells die.

As a part of the “Surviving the Chaos” workshop, I created the below illustration.

Alcohol that has been metabolized in the liver creates metabolic waste which is filtered by the kidneys to controlling the bodily fluid balance. The more liquid a person consumes the harder the kidneys have to work to eliminate the fluid.

The kidneys send the fluid to the bladder and then it is sent on its journey into the sewer system.

Sounds pretty simple.

The system gets complicated when the liver cannot metabolize all the alcohol thus sending it back through the bloodstream over and over again. The toxins (which in fact are poisons), one of which is plasma ammonia, accumulate in various organs.

Let’s start with the liver and the most well-known alcohol-related disease.

CIRRHOSIS – With the consumption of large quantities of alcohol, the liver becomes scarred and the scar tissue blocks the flow of blood. The more scar tissue created the less the blood the liver can process. If the liver doesn’t function properly, the affect will be more toxins, such as plasma ammonia, not being eliminated. The blood will begin to thin and risk of infection will increase.

Some of the signs and symptoms of a malfunctioning liver include:

Jaundice -- yellowing of the skin and eyes

Fatigue and weakness

Loss of appetite, nausea

Red spider-like blood vessels visible just under the skin

Swelling of extremities, such as hands, legs, feet from fluid build-up

Swelling of the belly

As the liver damage increases other diseases develop.

The liver is a miraculous organ because it can regenerate itself if the alcoholic ceases ingesting alcohol permanently. However, each time alcohol consumption resumes the less time required for scarring to begin. By the time cirrhosis has been diagnosed, other complications have developed that are not as forgiving as the liver.

Chaos Came to Dinner

2025-01-18T17:05:00.002-05:00

Check out my new book "Chaos Came to Dinner"

https://www.amazon.com/Chaos-Came-Dinner-Linda-Bartee-Doyne/dp/B0DSGCXQ6Y/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1TJX5WE0BQVYS&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.qhQOPiCazu4O36fnq-HgtA.-lHSjWO9c_MsecsQ10hoF9PhrHP8JhT2oJ2LPOUfypw&dib_tag=se&keywords=Linda+Bartee+Doyne%2C+Chaos+Came+to+Dinner&qid=1736527518&sprefix=linda+bartee+doyne%2C+chaos+came+to+dinner%2Caps%2C79&sr=8-1

Goodbye 2024

2025-01-18T17:04:00.002-05:00

Goodbye 2024

I'm not sure what car horns blowing and fireworks have to do with one year ending and another starting. I usually bring the new year in with a snore and a morning yawn. The idea of getting up, going outside and honking my horn is not appealing to me. But... to each their own.

As part of my New Year housekeeping, I have been going through some very old files and came up with something I thought you might like. It's kinda sad, but I know everyone who reads this will identify with it. I'm not sure of the author so I can't give the deserving accolades that it deserves.

She always knew who she was,

And she knew who she could never be,

But the brokenness inside her

Kept her up to date on reality

She tried so hard to please others,

She looked up to outstanding mothers,

But no matter how hard she tried,

At the end of the day

She cried.

Just because someone wears a smile,

You might not see the denial,

But trust when I tell you this,

Their life is not full of bliss.

And although she sins as she judges,

And she often tends to hold grudges,

She judges herself more harshly

Than anyone will ever know.

May the start of your new year be good to you.

2024-12-04T09:56:00.001-05:00

Holiday Season Chaos

The joy of the Christmas season surrounds me like a spider web made of thin elastic threads. The threads won't pull apart, they just keep snapping back as a way of reminding me that I can't escape the excitement. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I think it's just a thing. Sigh...

In Linda world the holidays fall into categories.

There is my childhood Christmas days with my family. They were filled with anticipation, love and hope. My five brothers, many cousins, aunts & uncles, and extended family all converged at my parents house filling the place with laughter. The office floor was wall to wall mattresses that were not specifically assigned to any one kid. When you were tired you just went to the office and fell down on the mattress. At midnight, every one under the age of 16 was to be in that sleeping space and no longer allowed in the main part of the house.

After I grew up and had kids of my own I had the best Christmas times ever. I baked cookies, went to parties, shopped, decorated the house, and was full of happiness an joy. I loved watching my kids on Christmas morning as they opened their gifts and expressed their excitement. My husband insisted that we have our coffee before he acted as Santa and handed out the gifts. It drove the kids nuts but only added to their anticipation. These memories are what pulls me through the next phase.

Christmas time with an alcoholic is never easy and always unpredictable. I never knew if he would be present or aware of the holiday season. There was a time when he UN-decorated the tree in the middle of the night. When we woke up the next morning there was a bare naked tree in the corner of the living room. Of course, the kids were elated at having a redux of making the tree festive again.

One Christmas, I was busy trying to put dinner together but couldn't find groceries I had just gotten from the local grocery store. I opened up a bag from the vegetable crisper and found that it was full of garbage. Hmmm.... I looked in the kitchen garbage can and there was a grocery bag filled with the groceries. Riley had put the trash in the frig and the groceries in the trash. I didn't bring it to his attention because that would have not been productive. Instead I was grateful that he attempted to "help".

Then there was the time that we had put the kids gift in the back seat of the car. Riley thought they were for the Goodwill and dropped them off at a donation station.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. Of course, there was all the other things that go along with having an alcoholic in the house. The spilled drinks, the throwing up all over himself, the passing out during the handing out of gifts, disappearing after coffee and not returning for days. Every incident is like an unwelcome gift -- when you open the box, chaos falls out.

Since Riley's death my holidays are very different. At first, I enjoyed being around my kids and grandkids. I was not assigned any tasks. My only responsibility was to be happy and focus my attention on the beautiful children. I shopped with them, played with them, and mentally regressed to their age level. I was happy. I often felt a little guilt about Riley not being there to enjoy these moments with me, but he would not have appreciated them anyway so I let that go.

Now those grandkids are teen-agers and entertaining them is not something so easily accomplished. Currently I live in their house. It's a comfortable and happy place for me. It's only temporary while I heal from an injury, but nevertheless, I'm happy to be here.

I have my sewing and crafting supplies and I'm able to give handmade gifts to everyone in attendance on Christmas morning. The house fills up with relatives and friends and there's always lots of great food to eat. These are great times.

It's been seven years since Riley passed. It took me a couple of years to adjust to not being a caregiver anymore. After that, I've found more happiness than I ever thought possible. However, when I look back on the uncertainty of the "Riley years", I find that I can laugh and be amused at all the unpredictable things he did. It was not fun at the time, but there is humor in recalling those memories now.

If you are living in the alcoholic chaos, I wish for you a way to see past the craziness and find some humor so that you can have a wonderful holiday season.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

2024-11-23T10:47:00.000-05:00

Here we are. Another holiday season is upon us. January 1st is just around the corner and with it is a brand new year just waiting to be created, shaped, manipulated, and set in motion. It's a time for new things or old things to be revived and make them new again.

I'm looking forward to many new things. This blog is one of my revived things that I hope to make new again. I won't make you any promises except for continuing to provide support and understanding to all my new and loyal readers. I didn't want to say "old" because it just doesn't seem appropriate to call anyone "old." Please know that for those of you still hanging around, I appreciate your loyalty.

A bit of a recap for those who don't know me:

From 2002 to 2017 I was the caregiver of my end-stage alcoholic, Riley. We had been separated for many years before his health was so fragile that he could no longer live on his own. I took him into my home and literally waited for him to die. But he did not die. He was very close many times and earned the nickname of the "Immortal Alcoholic."

Those were an interesting 15 years and you can read about them in previous posts on this blog. You will find information here that you'll wish you didn't need to know. You'll also find humor and the chance to make fun of a serious topic.

I survived those 15 years and have found my way to the other side of despair and disappointment. It wasn't easy and it wasn't instant happiness. The effects of my husband's alcoholism left me with much deeper scars than I wanted to admit.

For those who have followed me and want to know how I am now:

It took me a couple of years to decide what I wanted to do with my life without alcoholism. I woke up each morning and wondered what I was supposed to do next. When Riley was alive I had a routine. Now my routine was no longer needed. I tried to focus on my daughter but she was a grown woman with grown kids of her own. She didn't need me to make her a part of my "routine." The truth was that my entire family was doing just fine without my "interference." They told me "Do what makes you happy." Huh? I wasn't sure what that was.

My many friends in Florida were encouraging me to move from my Virginia home to the Sunshine State. One day I woke up and didn't try to exercise any sort of a routine. I made a decision that I would start my life over at the age of 60+ years old and make that new beginning where it didn't snow. I arrived in Tampa, Florida on June 1st of 2020.

At my family's insistence, I put the alcohol part of my life behind me and moved on. I settled into my resort-like apartment just outside of Tampa and started writing my first mystery novel, "Temporarily Dead". I took my dog for walks. I had dinner with friends. I slept til it was no longer morning. I began a relationship with a man who had been a friend for many years. And... lo and behold... I was happy!

I don't want to mislead you. I'm basically a happy person. Even while caring for Riley, I found ways to be happy. I had a mantra that if I let myself fall into UNhappiness alcoholism would win my life. It already had Riley's life, I wouldn't let it get mine as well. What created the most happiness for me was being able to help others find some happiness or at least get some answers.

My inspiration for reviving this blog was created from getting lots of e-mails and requests for updates on what I'm doing. I thought that if I shared this happy way of life with those of you who are still struggling, maybe I could be an inspiration.

So here I am... ask me questions, write your comments, and let's see what happens.

The birth of Temporarily Dead

2022-10-11T12:19:00.000-04:00

I’m happy to announce my next step in my journey to recovery. I have published my mystery novel that has nothing to do with alcoholism. Well... that may not be exactly true. The inspiration for the book was from one of Riley’s statements.

Before I started this blog and before I became Riley’s caregiver, he met up with some old friends, the Smith’s, from the Navy years. We had spent a lot of time with them and even shared a house with them for a short time. During that time, we were all very good friends. The guys were at sea about 50% of the time so it was comforting to have a friend who was going through the same ordeal.

Upon seeing this couple at the mall, the normal “How are you?’ questions were thrown around. One of them asked “How’s Linny and the kids?” Without hesitation Riley blurts out “She’s dead.” The next words out of his mouth were that it was really great seeing them again and they had to get together more often.

Shocked, Mr. Smith grabbed Riley’s arm and said, “Wait a minute! What do you mean ‘she’s dead?’ What happened? When did she die?”

Riley calmly replied, “She was in a car accident. My grandson was in the car, but he was OK. It happened a couple of years ago.” Riley then turned and walked away.

The Smiths were stunned at both the fact that I was dead, and that Riley was so nonchalant about the whole thing. They mourned my death “after the fact.”

Fast forward several years. I am now Riley’s caregiver, have started writing the blog and collaborating with HBO on the documentary “Risky Drinking.” I had several books published. If my name were “googled” a whole page of articles about me would come up.

Mrs. Smith was doing some research on alcoholism and found the Immortal Alcoholic blog. She did a little more research and discovered the HOB documentary. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Her next step was to see if I was on Facebook. She found me. I got a private message that day asking if I was Riley’s wife.

We had a long talk after the initial shock of my being really alive. she was relieved to discover that reports of my death had been greatly exaggerated. Once we re-connected it became a standing joke that I would call and let her know that I was still alive.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith talked about how that would be a good story line. I agreed but thought I could just use the idea and not the actual events to create an interesting mystery. The idea rattled around in my head for more than a year. I wrote a short draft and called it “Temporarily Dead.” I had it reviewed by a professional editor and his advice was to “keep going.” So, I did.

“Temporarily Dead” has evolved over the past couple of years and I’m happy for the non-alcoholic route the of story line. It’s centered around, Sara Jane Miller, a woman who is in a car accident and has lost her short-term memory. While working through her memory issues, she discovers that the world thinks she is dead.

I hope you will read this murder mystery novel and enjoy a break from alcoholism chaos.

https://www.amazon.com/Temporarily-Dead-Linda-Bartee-Doyne-ebook/dp/B0BGPXSRPD/ref=sr_1_1?qid=1665504671&refinements=p_27%3ALinda+Bartee+Doyne&s=books&sr=1-1

2022-02-17T23:11:00.000-05:00

Plant happiness in your garden

A friend of mine can grow literally ANYTHING. I bought an orchid thinking “How hard can it be to keep it alive? Surely I can do this.” Well, after it shriveled up, I sent it over to my friends to see if she could resurrect some life. She did just that. The next time I saw the plant it was healthy and blooming. Imagine that! Some loving time and attention was able to turn this dead-like plant into a living breathing beauty.

If only she could do the same thing with real human life. But, it isn’t her responsibility to do that for me or anyone else. It’s my responsibility to turn my life into something that makes me happy. It’s not as easy as that sounds. First there’s the figuring out what makes me happy thing.

When Riley died I floundered around for a couple of years. I had no idea what direction to go. What I thought would happen didn’t come through. After a while, I knew that I wanted to move to Florida. But, at that time, I had a job that I loved and a stable income that I could take with me when I moved. I had friends in Florida and I wanted to be close to them.

Now, it’s been almost two years since I moved and I’m back in the position of trying to do what makes me happy. I find myself without a job and I know what I would like to do as a job but, I can’t make the kind of money I need just by doing what I want to do. What I want is to be creative and find a regularly paying job using my creative talents is far and few between.

That being the case, I have to re-evaluate what makes me happy. I have to take it to the very bare bones. What makes me happy is being self-sufficient and financially secure. So, although I want a job writing blog posts or as a seamstress, I’ll take some other kind of job. I’ll takea job that gives me a regular means to make my car payment and put food in my doggie’s dish.

Of course, there are other things that make me happy. I’m happy for what I have currently such as: several solid sister-like friendships; a loving but crazy family; and a man who supports and accepts me in spite of my out-of-the box personality. I have awesome neighbors and I live in a resort-like community.

However, I have found that “happiness” can be as cyclic as waves from the Gulf onto the beach. I find myself struggling to keep all those “happiness” things mentioned above in my forethought when my mind gets focused on the negative. That’s when I wish my Florida Vegetable blogger would come and pour some fertilizer on my positive thoughts. Fortunately, I have that man who sorts through all the garbage and finds a blooming flower and reminds me that it exists.

Everyone has to define what “happiness” to them is and what makes your mental is flowers bloom. I believe a good start is taking a self-inventory and recognize what you do that makes you happy and what you do that you are happy that you are able to do. I’m happiest when I can pay my bills, but that’s not the true crux for what makes me happy.

What makes me happy is seeing my grandchildren smile when they video-chat with me. I’m happy when my dog lays her head in my lap and wants me to pet her head. I’m happy when I can help someone using knowledge that they may not have. I’m happy when my man smiles when he walks in my door and hugs me so tight I can barely breathe. I’m happy when I can make people laugh. I’m happy when I don’t have to “keep myself in line” and always be lady-like. I’m happy when I can design and sew something that looks great. I am very happy when I can write something that people enjoy reading.

If you’re trying to sort all this out for yourself, take your time and give yourself permission to think inwardly about your true feelings for what you do. You could ask my gardener friend, but she can only help you grow your garden, it’s up to you to grow your mind.

2022-01-24T15:04:00.000-05:00

You Cant Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd

When Riley, the Immortal Alcoholic, became mortal and left me to a world that that was not immersed in drunken madness, I was surprised to find that I missed the chaos. I had grown so accustomed to balancing everything around me on a tray strategically placed on my open palm while roller skating around obstacles and maintaining my own sanity. Looking back, I can see that I often failed at the sanity part.

I floundered around for a few years while trying to figure out what my purpose was in life now that caregiving Riley was no longer in my job description. Many loving people in my life offered just as many suggestions concerning my future. I continued to work in the world of alcoholism and became a Peer Recovery Support Specialist. But did not get a job with that speciality.

I did a little coaching and joined forces with my good friend and mentor, Gill Haddock of Broadstreet Counseling Services. He encouraged me to put together a workshop on Surviving the Chaos. The planning was going well and just before I signed the venue contract, we got some devastating news that Gill was very ill. He could no longer be a part of the workshop except to encourage me. The program we designed required his presence and action. So we cancelled the event. Gill died last year.

Quality Outsource came along and offered me a job as an independent contractor. I was elated and began working for the company in administrative support. It’s a small company and I was encouraged to learn as much about it as I could. However, I’m preparing for my retirement and slowing down on my work hours.

OK… so… really…. I mean really in all actually, I don’t think I could ever be completely retired. My brain doesn’t work that way. I must have stuff to do and not just crocheting while watching game shows. I write a lot and I spend a lot of time sewing. I look for interesting ways to decorate – redecorate – my apartment. But, I need to earn money to maintain the lifestyle that I prefer.

My point is that even though you may become free of the alcoholism part of your life, things don’t just simply fall into place. There are decisions to be made. You’ll be faced with deep soul-searching as to what you want to do with your life. Sometimes you may have to learn exactly “who” you are because you may not recognize yourself without all the baggage you’ve been hauling around.

Now that I’ve spent a few years away from this blog, I now feel that I have something to share that you may be able to use. This blog is evolving. Surviving will be the focus. Look for changes each time you come here because you may see something you haven’t seen before. Look for things here that you might not expect, such as, short stories, guest posts from a variety of professionals. It’s all still in the formation stage in my mind. It will come out slowly. But for now… enjoy what’s here. Grab a cup of tea, settle back and take a little tour around what’s here.

By the way, I’m open to suggestions. Drop me an e-mail and give me something to consider.

2022-01-20T17:44:00.000-05:00

It's Alive!

It’s a miracle! I resurrected this blog! I stuck a jumper cable to it and I think it’s starting to show signs of life. Actually, a lot of you have been coming back, checking in, e-mailing me, and perhaps, re-reading some of my posts. Thank you for that.

Although this blog is STILL the Immortal Alcoholic, there will be some changes to update the style and a few other things. I hope you will like the fresh approach and continue to support me by reading and commenting.

I’ll still be accepting guest bloggers while expanding the subject range. Tell me about what you do or what you would like to do for fun and entertainment. Do you have a favorite movie, book, food, restaurant? Tell me about it. Let’s see if we can open up some topics/subjects that will invite some dialog. But let’s stay away from the political mumble jumble that has most of us in a tizzy these days. We all have an opinion and we all think we are right. There’s no need to re-hash what’s been hashed to pieces.

A brief update on Linda – me! I’m in the sunny state of Florida and am happier than a frog on a lily pad in the middle of a pond in the deep south. I’m living proof that there is life AND happiness when the chaos settles and peace is allowed in the house.

I know you are all curious – YES! I’m about two years into a relationship with a man who cares more about me than he does about what’s in his drinking glass. Imagine that! He worries about me and holds the car door open for me. He allows me the – no—he encourages me to be the best of whatever it is I want to be. Believe me, that can change hourly. He accepts me as I am. There are no conditions to his caring. He just does. I didn’t know that men like him existed. If he exists, there must be others out there.

Employment is still on my plate. Although, I now work as an independent contractor rather than an employee. Currently I’m writing a procedure manual for the company. I love this job, the people I work for and the sense of usefulness I get when I’m able to make a difference.

Temporarily Dead is a mystery novel that has been in my computer for quite some time now. It has now graduated to being on my desktop and available for editing and re-writing. It will be out to the public in November. I may, from time to time, post snippets of the story on this blog. This will give you an opportunity to decide if you might like to buy the book and read it from cover to cover.

There will be re-writings of The Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife and several of my other books. Watch for those announcements here.

Look to this blog for a variety of information designed to provide support for all of those who have been, or is currently, collaterally damaged by alcoholism. While most of what I provide is relevant to any addiction, my main focus is on alcoholism.

Please leave your comments, especially the ones telling me what YOU would like to see on this site.

Till next time!

Linda

Rest In Peace

2020-11-19T17:33:00.001-05:00

I wanted to revive this blog. I wanted to come back to it and post about life after having spend 30+ years in the insanityt of alcohol.

That's not going to happen.

For those of you who are just discovering this blog and are finding it worthwhile, I encourage to purchase my books and watch for new ones on the market. I also encourage you to find other blogs who address the needs of the collaterally damaged. They are out there. There are a lot of them.

I encourage you to get professional counseling, go to AL-Anon or find support anywhere that you can.

As for me... keeping this blog up and running simply keeps me tied to a past that I want to leave in the past. It's time for me to grow and move on. And I mean move on completely out of the alcoholism workd.

I'll post a resource page sometime over the weekend. As of December 1st, 2020 this blog will be completely taken down from the internet.

Rest in Peace

The Immortal Alcoholic Blog

2,243,711 total hits

Oct. 19, 2010 - Dec. 1st 2020

There is life after death

2020-11-07T13:32:00.001-05:00

It has come to my attention that recently someone has been trying to use my identity to turn this blog in a direction that would never be my intent. This person believes that alcoholism can be cured by using some kind of voodoo-ish doctor to solve your problems. Let me tell you, if you have an alcoholic in your life there is no magic fix by any magic doctor anywhere on planet earth. I, however, cannot speak out the outlying planets in our solar system.

ALL COMMENTS ON THIS BLOG ARE MONITORED BY ME AND APPROVED BY ME BEFORE BECOMING PUBLIC. I do not allow comments recommending any kind of magic hocus pocus. I also do not allow unsolicited plugs for rehab centers or organizations. If you see a comment with any such information – it is because I researched it and approved it.

Now that I realize that people are still coming here and reading what has been written, it’s time for me to make this blog lively again. While filled with unpleasant information, there is humor here and there. Sometimes it’s hard to see. When you are up to your ass in alcoholism madness, it’s hard to see anything that may remotely resemble something laughable. Let me assure you that you will have difficultly retaining your sanity if you don’t stop and see the comedy that surrounds you.

If you have been coming here, you probably know my history so I won’t go into all that. If you don’t know, then I suggest you get my book “Immortal Alcoholic’s Wife” and the sequel “The Life of Riley” which are both available on Amazon.

On November 17, 2017, my life took a turn. That’s the day Riley died and opened the door to the possibility of having a life of my own.

The day after Riley’s death, I woke up at the usual time as any other day. I went to his room to see if he were still breathing, as usual. But there was an empty bed. I went to the kitchen to make coffee but skipped making breakfast. Then I sat on my beautiful front porch, wrapped in a blanket, and tried to figure out what I was supposed to do next.

It was the start of Fall and it was not so cold as to turn my nose red. The leaves in the big oak tree in the middle of my front yard were gently falling to the ground. The dog was chasing squirrels and the cat was lying by my side carefully flicking his tail to the rhythm of the rocking chair rails. He was being careful not to have his tail under the rail as it came down where his tail had been.

I was anxious. I knew there was something I was supposed to do. I just didn’t know what it was. Nothing came to my mind. It was Saturday, so anything relating to business would have to wait for Monday. There was laundry to do; Riley’s things to pack up; family to contact; but I continued with rocking away my morning and being unsure of what my role in life was to be now.

It took me a while to decide what to do with my life. I floundered from one thing to another. I talked to friends and family. I had an idea of what I wanted, but was just not sure of how to go about it.

I wanted a life. I mean a real life that belonged only to me. I wanted to make decisions based on my wants and desires. I wanted friends that I could meet for dinner and wouldn’t raise an eyebrow when I ordered a glass of wine. I wanted a social life. And I wanted to discover who I was outside the confines of an alcoholic world.

It took me two years to decide where I wanted to be and how I was going to accomplish getting what I want. It took two years to decide to find out WHO this person named Linda really is.

What you will find in this blog is my journey from the darkness of alcoholism to deciding to be happy. Anyone mentioned in this blog will have an alias to protect the guilty – and OK – the innocent. I didn’t get to where I am today without the help of some very important people. Some contributed favorably and others – well – not so much.

I hope you enjoy reading about my newest adventures and misadventures. I hope you laugh and cry. But most of all I hope you understand that there IS life after.

A New Path

2020-02-07T08:17:00.001-05:00

by Wren R Waters

I don't really remember how I met Linda.

No, I remember how.

I don't remember why.

Like so many of us, lost in the haze of an alcoholic marriage, I found my way to Linda's blog.

It was refreshing.

It was real.

It was eye opening.

And it was frightening.

Her daily trials and tribulations with an end-stage alcoholic left me wondering,

“Could this really be my husband one day? Is this my fate too?”

I must have made a comment on her blog or something.

But I don't remember why it was we somehow made the move from Internet friends to real, live, talking on the phone, getting together in person friends. That's a hard leap to make frankly. But for some reason now lost to the files of time, there was a private “call me” message and then a phone call and then...

At first look, it would seem we had nothing in common.

She's a few years older than me. (Like she's 45 and I'm 35. Wink, wink.)

Her children are grown and she has grandchildren.

I was (am) still raising children.

She got away from her alcoholic.

Initially anyway but when he threatened to have their daughter be his caretaker, she acquiesced as any (most?) mothers would and, reluctantly allowed him back into her life.

To date, I haven't been quite so lucky as to have my alcoholic husband cheat on me and leave. (But one can always dream, can't she?)

My husband is what the industry euphemistically calls a “functioning alcoholic,” since he goes to work every day, doesn't spend the weekends in a holding cell, etc., etc. I will say I am a little bitter, and completely skeptical of the definition of “functioning.” Have we really set the addition-bar so low that if an addict – be it alcohol, drugs or anything else – simply goes to work every week and not jail every other weekend, he gets to be declared “functioning?” Believe me, no matter what the outside world may see, there is nothing “functioning” about these men at home.

But I digress.

Back to me and Linda.

I was married to a “functioning” alcoholic.

She was married to an end-stage alcoholic.

I was navigating the emotions of being married to an able-bodied husband who chose to sit in the basement, watching television and drinking beer rather than engaging with his family and participating in life.

She was navigating the emotions of the being the caregiver to a physically broken man who was breaking her spirit on a daily basis.

It would seem even with the common ground of alcoholic husbands, we didn't have a lot in common.

But that first phone call?

The one that dared to edge up against the unspoken boundaries of Internet friendships?

The sweet truth is the friendship showed its strength from the very first phone call. Over the years, we have been there for each other beyond what initially bonded us. We've cheered for things that weren't alcoholic related; listened to tears that weren't alcoholic husband driven; given pep talks that weren't about surviving the crazy swirling around us.

But now the friendship has come full circle and we find ourselves once again with seemingly little in common as we stand on common ground.

Linda is widowed.

She spent over ten years of her life as caregiver to a man she no longer loved as a husband but but for whom she couldn't turn her back on as a suffering human being. Her grief and healing process is tied up in the complicated and convoluted feelings of caregiver and widow.

I am not widowed.

I am not even divorced – yet anyway. It is my sole mission this year and so my grief, my healing process is centered on the dissolution of what I thought would be forever. When was the last time you heard of a divorce/widow support group? Never, right? Because the emotions and feelings lack commonality.

And yet, what we do share is that we are both tired.

So very, very tired.

So tired that we can't write.

And when we can't write we wonder if we've each said, respectively, all we each have to say on the alcoholic husband front.

And when we wonder if we've said all we have to say, we question whether or not we should still be in the alcoholic-husband game.

And when we question whether or not we should still be in the alcoholic-husband game...

We realize we can't just walk away.

Not from blogging and writing and connecting with other women who are trying to create sanity in the insanity of marriage to an alcoholic. But maybe it's time to connect in a different way. Maybe it's time to shift our focus from surviving being married to an alcoholic to thriving in our own lives despite being married to an alcoholic.

Linda and I have talked about this a lot and while she agrees “in theory,” she is also hesitant. She knows her readers have come to trust her for information and support regarding the whole alcoholic-husband thing. And it is the audience we both feel a connection to and a desire to support. We have been there!

Boy, have we been there.

And so when someone “new” to this fucked-up club reaches out to one of us, we want to be that solace in the middle of the night, that voice that says,

“No, you're not crazy.”

“Yes, there is someone here.”

“But how do we do both,” Linda asked me. “How do we move away from the alcoholic-husband thing while still being a source of support and information for women married to alcoholics?”

“I don't know,” I said.

“But I'll go first.”

(And I'll write the post warning/warming up your readers to the idea.)

I started with creating a new website,

www.WrenRWaters.com.

Linda started by allowing me to write this post.

That's as far as we both have gotten but as we ease our way down this new path, we hope you'll find the same support, information and sense of camaraderie you've come to expect, even if we're not talking about drunken husbands.

Welcome to Tabitha and Wren

2019-11-02T10:22:00.001-04:00

Since I announced my departure from the alcoholism world, everyone has been fantastic. I’ve received lots of e-mails congratulating me and encouraging me to move on with my life. There have been a few that have related a sense of loss that I may not be posting as much as I had in the past. I’m very sorry that I will, indeed, be posting less. But… those of you who are long term followers will understand that… I have a plan! I always have a plan.

I’d like to announce a new member of Team Linda! Please welcome… Tabitha!

I received an e-mail from Tabitha expressing an interest in doing a guest post. After a lengthy telephone call, we came up with an idea that I believe ALL my readers will appreciate. Tabitha will be writing for the blog on a regular basis. She has been writing for years but has not had an outlet for her journalist work. She has done research on alcoholism and compiled a LOT of information. She, like me, sees the value in finding humor in stressful situations.

And another new contributor is Wren Waters of Quiet Raging Waters blog. Wren has published several books. Her point of view is that of a spouse who is trying to find a way to leave her alcoholic husband.

I have known Wren for many years and we have shared experiences, strength and ideas. We have very different writing styles which should add some variety to Immortal Alcoholic blog postings.

Help me welcome Tabitha and Wren to the world of the Immortal Alcoholic. Please post your comments, thoughts, reactions, suggestions and let’s all show both ladies how much we appreciate them for taking on this responsibility.

UPDATE on Linda…

I’ve had a lot of interest in my resume and had a number of job interviews. I feel very positive about getting a job offer in the next week or so. I will be back to doing title examining from my home office. I did a couple of practice exams and realize that it’s knowledge that still have stored away in that gray matter in my head – called a brain!

My Florida move is scheduled for the end of January – if I am firmly ensconced in new employment. Even being employed full time, I’ll still have time to put my toes in the sand and soak up some happy sunshine.

In short, everything is progressing nicely. I’m happy and determined to go forward without abandoning all my loyal readers.

Just another addiction

2019-10-08T19:34:00.001-04:00

It is possible to be addicted to anything. I’m addicted to The Walking Dead, baked potatoes, my morning coffee, and talking on the phone. That’s just where the list starts. There’s so much more.

When I was taking care of Riley, I felt trapped. I longed to have my old life back. You know – that life where I earned money, met with my friends, dated men and could just up and go on a vaca whenever I felt the desire? That WAS my life. I thought that when Riley was gone everything would automatically go back to normal – back to the life I had before.

When Riley was alive and sick, I knew exactly what I was supposed to do. My days were mapped out for me by necessity. I began doing the alcoholism support work as a means of staying sane within all the insanity. I felt I was accomplishing something worthwhile. I was connected to people who were walking in my path and it felt good to have company.

It’s been two years since Riley’s death. The big question is – if I am free to do whatever I want, why can’t I figure out what it is that I actually want. It was pointed out to me, in the gentlest of manners, that I don’t seem to be able to decide what it is I want to do when I grow up. My response was that I didn’t think I had to grow up. But he was right.

I keep trying to continue to help everyone I can. But, it is not serving me well. It was a shocker to discover that I was in worse shape financially, socially, and physically than I was when Riley was alive. I believe I have become addicted to alcoholism. Not the booze, but the associated chaos that surrounds it. I’m addicted to trying to take care of everyone who asks me for help. I’m still not in the process of living my life. Instead I’m living for the caregiving addiction.

When one of my followers/clients says to me “I don’t need you anymore” I am elated because it means I’ve done my job. This person can now move on and put all that alcohol stuff behind them. But how do I get to that point?

I don’t need you anymore. I’m very sorry if you feel I’m abandoning you. But I need to move on and have a life that doesn’t include so much alcoholism. And just like an addict, I will start out by trying to “cut back” and not go cold turkey. I’ll still do some coaching. Maybe I’ll write a blog piece every once in a while. And I have a few more alcoholism books to finish but I can do them at my own pace. As an editor once told me – there will always be some project that you will not finish.

This is a decision that I am making with a clear mind and for the first time in a very long time --- I’m comfortable with my decision. I don’t feel all wishy-washy about it. Riley is my past and that’s where I want him to stay.

What am I going to do, you ask? I’m going to go back to work at a real job. If you know anyone who needs a very experienced Real Estate Title Examiner who works from home – please let me know. I have some books I want to write and none of them have to do with addiction. I’m taking care of myself physically and now I need to take care of myself mentally.

Over the past ten years, I have met some truly wonderful people who while be in my life for the rest of my life. I’m so fortunate to have met you. I’ve had my share of haters as well, but they are everywhere. I was strong and never let the haters deter me from my objective. That objective was to give you a sense of hope and a dose of reality. I think I was successful.

When you miss me you can always come to this blog. All my books are available on Amazon. You can “friend” me on FaceBook on my personal page so you can see what mischief I’m up to now. Thank you for your support, comments, and return visits.

Most of all, thank you for always being there when I needed someone to need me. I wish you the calmness I feel at this moment.

Later -- Linda

Caregiving on alcoholic father

2019-09-12T10:21:00.001-04:00

GUEST POST by Alan Oakman

Alan is an online STEM tutor, teaching K-12 students. His love for learning new things as he traverses the world of caregiving has prompted him to start blogging. Apart from being a science geek, Alan loves jazz music and occasionally plays the guitar. You can follow his blog and he is on twitter too. He is also the caregiver to his alcoholic father.

Being a Caregiver:

Reflecting on Supporting an Alcoholic Father in Old Age

A loving nuclear family in the beginning. Father drinks socially but loves his family and provides for them. Father drinks a little more and stays out late but still loves his family. Father stays out a lot and comes home drunk and, in that unreliable state, professes his love for the family, but never shows up in real needs.

Many stories of alcoholic parentage have this template with customized variations. The tragedy is doubled when a child grows up in an alcoholic home where both parents are more dedicated to the bottle than him/her. What this childhood journey doesn’t mention is the father in old age needing support and emotional caregiving.

Majority of the available literature on alcoholism focuses on the period when a child is dependent on the parent and the negative repercussions of psychologically, emotionally, and financially depending on an absentee father. More work is needed to understand the scenario when a once-dependent child becomes the caretaker of the now dependent parent.

The Highs: Feeling of Home

When my father was absent in my childhood, it was an unconscious thought pattern formation that there were other things that were definitely more important to him than me. I did not necessarily dwell on feelings of abandonment as much as navigating through life without his support and care. Therefore, when the possibility of taking care of him appeared in my adulthood, I was frankly thrilled.

The notion of creating a home together was founded on the concept of making up for lost time and connection. Emotionally, the responsibilities did not take up too much time and had a breezy manner to it. I was also over enthused to fill the gaps in my memory with stories of when he was away. He told engaging stories about his job and his trips that kept him away. While his health was not what it used to be, he was functional and did not require focused palliative care. The experience was one of re-connection.

The Lows: Feeling the Need to Cut Off and Live My Life

The shadow side of this re-connection arose as we spent every Tuesday taking a leisurely walk across the park. In all this, two episodes of disconnectedness were starkly noticeable. Firstly, it was like befriending a new person and I am not too social. Further, it was like making friends with someone you have not confronted for their bad behavior. I attempted to bury these feelings as it was very evident that, emotionally, he was in a horrid place. He felt lonely and hopeless along with encountering the truth that time brings along- everyone ages and the body does not remain invincible.

The second reason for episodes of disconnectedness was the fact that he did not believe he had done anything particularly wrong. He did think that he used to enjoy a drink but doesn’t see it as a cause for his absenteeism as a parent. It was difficult for me to even listen to the complete monologue, much less accept it without questioning. I had to cut short the walk on that day and process this new information. I felt cheated as I discovered that I had unconsciously assumed that my father had reconnected due to guilt. I had assumed that he was not apologizing overtly only because of the certain unyielding predisposition of his generation. To learn that this apology was not even covertly intended or formed was definitely a shock.

The In-Betweens: Learnings and Re-Learnings; Doings and Un-doings

Giving emotional care and support to a former-alcoholic parent is a mixed bag and more difficult than I was prepared for. However, these coexisting feelings of home-making & belonging and disconnectedness & dread made me reflect on my choices.

Emotional Well-Being : It is common knowledge that children of alcoholic parents have a troubled relationship with authority and assertiveness. These are only a few of the behavioral concerns that have been studied as a result of growing up around alcohol abuse. With this knowledge, I found it important to accept that drawing boundaries is very important, especially with the person who had caused much of this. I demanded an apology from my father and explained to him how shirking his responsibility regarding the past was unforgivable. It has led to a much healthier relationship between us currently.
Consciousness: Alcohol, infamously, is one of the most available and abused substances in all age groups. The easy availability and legally permissible status makes it the most popular, therefore harmful, substance in college too (see the chapter on ‘Consciousness’ in Psych 5: An Introductory Psychology Book). It can become difficult to mindfully engage with alcohol in a measured manner due to its sheer availability. It is an important part of learning for me to understand sobriety and practise mindful Buddhism. These are practices that I adopt in the knowledge that I might be genetically predisposed to alcoholism.
Parenting: One doesn’t have to be an alcoholic to be an absentee parent. I have notions of the manner in which I should behave to be a parent who is present in my children’s lives. It is also important to see that I am not necessarily dependent on them in my old age. It would be an aim to bring up my kids in a way that makes them come, meet their old man out of their own will.

In conclusion, my unfortunate experience has helped me understand the mixed nature of being a caregiver to an absentee, alcoholic father. In addition to compassion, I have learnt to accept the conflicting emotions of anger and overwhelming love that associates itself to my new caregiving role. It also has been an educative journey that molds my future and my relationship with my loved ones.

The wind began to switch...

2019-08-20T08:48:00.001-04:00

Every year I post my rendition of how living in a house with an alcoholic is similar to Dorothy's house in the Wizard of Oz. Last week was the anniversary of the premiere of that movie, so I believe it is time to repost. It's hurricane, tornadoes and cyclones... oh my... we're not in Kansas anymore!

This is a re-post so please keep that in mind as you read about Riley and I waiting out a tornado.

Tornado warning… (5/3/2011)

When the Emergency Broadcast came over the television announcing that we were under a Tornado Warning, I gathered my stuff – blankets, pillows, laptop, water, etc – and put it in a secure place in my bathroom. I was ready.

Riley was in his rocking chair watching his usual NCIS. I told him we needed to get his bathroom ready in case the worst came about. He just said – “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” And being the good little caretaker that I am – I stocked his bathroom. Both the bathrooms are small and there is really only room for one person in each.

As the night wore on, I settled in and listened. Wind, rain, hail, more rain, quiet, wind and more wind – but there was no rumble. I was waiting for the rumble sound of an oncoming train. It never happened – and I was thankful.

As I was waiting, I could feel the house swaying with the wind. We have a brick rancher – solid as possibly could be – but the wind was so strong it was moving the house. I thought of the three little pigs who built their last house of bricks. What a smart thing to do.

In spite of the three little pigs’ wise decision to use brick in the construction – some lyrics kept running through my head -- but they weren’t verses about the pigs’ quest for a secure dwelling. Instead, I was hearing in my head the lyrics to a song from The Wizard of Oz.

The wind began to switch – the house to pitch and suddenly the hinges started to unhitch.

Life with an alcoholic is much the same as a house in the middle of a tornado. This first verse could well define what it is like to watch the beginning of an alcoholic downfall. Things are unsettled, the family never feels secure and things start to fall apart.

Just then the Witch – to satisfy an itch went flying on her broomstick, thumbing for a hitch.

The alcoholic (the Witch) needs to satisfy the craving for alcohol and so he/she seeks it out. Sometimes they ask others to help them obtain the alcohol – as in hitching a ride to the liquor store.

And oh, what happened then was rich.

I think if we substitute the word “sad” for the word “rich,” this would be exactly correct. Because what happens after the alcoholic gets the booze is rich with sadness.

The house began to pitch. The kitchen took a slitch.

Things become increasingly upsetting in the alcoholic household as the drinking continues.

It landed on the Wicked Witch in the middle of a ditch, which was not a healthy situation for the Wicked Witch.

The consequences of the alcoholic’s actions cause him/her to land in unpleasant situations. Eventually the health of the alcoholic deteriorates and puts the alcoholic’s life in danger.

Who began to twitch and was reduced to just a stitch of what was once the Wicked Witch.

The person who was once a vital, productive, happy member of the community is reduced to becoming a mere servant of alcohol. At that point, the entire family is not in Kansas anymore, but rather in some uninhabitable place – like Antarctica. No matter how many times you click your heels, those ruby red slippers are not going to help you now.

I’m told by fellow country dwellers that this is unusual weather for this time of year. Funny, in Linda and Riley World – living in a tornado is a way of life.

Unlike any other workshop

2019-08-13T12:37:00.000-04:00

Surviving the Chaos Workshop is an interactive workshop with the emphasis on the word “WORK”. This is not one of those workshops where you go and listen without speaking and are supposed to learn something. NO! This workshop will make you actually think, learn and state your concerns. There will be opportunities to voice your opinion, ask for suggestions, and relate to other people who are walking in your footsteps. You will leave with a workbook created by Linda that you can fill with notes, observations and doodles.

TWO-days of information, speakers, and peers who will offer alternatives to the regular 12-step programs of recovery. While I embrace 12-Step programs, I have found there is so much more that can be utilized to help us loved ones regain a life of our own and learn that we can thrive.

I don’t have all the speakers confirmed so I cannot give you names as of yet. I can, however, tell you that there will be a speaker who will give insight into relaxation and the power of meditation. You can learn to laugh from a “laughter therapist” and possibly channel your life to new enlightenment. Hear what it’s like for a recovering alcoholic to recount the realization that he was destroying his family. Find out about interventions and when, or if, they are a means to recovery for the alcoholic in your life. Listen to a mother as she tells of dealing with her child – under the age of 16 – as an alcoholic.

There will be mini-group session break-out opportunities. Network with other attendees and go home armed with contact info of people who understand.

Several authors will be selling their books and available for questions or comments.

Did I mention the food? Southern soulful comfort all the way. Full breakfasts, breaks and lunches are provided each day. You can have dinner on your own or join us at a nearby restaurant where we can chat freely.

Where: Clarion Hotel, 3032 Richmond Road, Williamsburg, VA

For room information please contact Linda at LindsFrontPorch@outlook.com

When: November 2-3, 2019 from 8 am (or earlier if you are a morning person) – 4 pm each day

Cost: Early birds - $210 before Oct. 5^th, 2019

Advance - $249 in three installments -- $79 due at registration; $85 after 30 days; $85 after another 30 days

At the door: $289

Volunteer opportunities available in exchange for free ticket – limited number available

SPECIAL: Anyone registering prior to Sept 5^th, 2019, will receive a free coaching session

To vendors or substance abuse recovery providers:

Vendor tables available for materials distribution, questions, etc. Contact Linda at LindasFrontPorch@outlook.com for more information.

Make your reservations today! Go to my website:

http://www.lindabarteedoyne.com/events.php

Go ahead and scream

2019-08-12T11:01:00.000-04:00

I’ve joined a couple of new FaceBook Groups… well… they are new to me. They are all people who are dealing with living with a practicing alcoholic. Practicing. Now there’s a word for you. Like they need any practice. Most of them have the role of alcoholic down pat and really need no practice. Moving on…

What the group members post is heartbreaking. When I read them, I want to cry for them. I’d like to reach through the internet and hug them so tight that their eyes bulge out. I know what they are going through. I’ve been where they are. What they write should not be shocking to me, but I have been blessed with a brief intermission from the memories of the days when Riley was “practicing.” Reading their posts brings back everything and leaves me with a feeling of gratitude. I say it is a brief intermission because I can be drawn back to those days and re-live them as though Riley were still alive and putting our family through hell. I’ve been told that it’s a form of PTSD.

The things that I want to say to these post authors, who are pouring out their pain into cyberspace, is that old saying “this too shall pass.” It may seem that it will take forever to enter that tunnel of hell and emerge on the side with the brighter sunlight. But… it will happen… eventually. The sunlight won’t wash away all the residual hurt and anger that living with an alcoholic can infuse into a person’s brain, but the warmth of the new sun can take away the cold edge of despair.

There are things that can be done in the present while waiting for that sunshine. One woman said she wanted to scream because she was so frustrated with the situation. I see nothing wrong with screaming as loud and for as long as it takes to release all that negative energy. Of course, you don’t want to do it on the balcony of your high-rise apartment building or where your neighbors will feel obliged to call 911. So take yourself out to some secluded place with lots of trees and nature and then let loose. SCREAM. Yell out all the things you want to say to everyone who has stepped on your last nerve. Cry. Stomp your feet. Kick a rock. When you’re done sit in the quiet and resume your composure. Gather together your tolerant, loving self and head back to that tunnel of hell. The break will renew your ability to carry on.

Recently I enjoyed listening to a hypno-therapist talk about affirmations. I never really thought much about such methods of survival, but now I’m a firm believer in the power of positive thinking. Oh… I’ve always been able to see my glass as half-full even when it was near empty. But this is different. I was so impressed with her method, that I invited her to speak at my November workshop in Williamsburg, VA. She has not yet confirmed, but has told me that she would help me find someone suitable if she should not be able to make it. I’m very excited to offer this to my attendees. It’s a bit outside the box and I’m all for anything that helps me and my followers get through the bad times.

In my opinion, if you allow yourself to give in to your urges to let out your anger and follow it up with positive affirmations, that the combination can create a more peaceful existence even if there is chaos going on all around you.

Another way of dealing with the alcoholic’s ridiculous antics is to find the humor on what is going on. Let’s face it, most alcoholics have a lopsided view of life. Even though they may be in the midst of slinging insults and criticism, the reality is that they have no idea of what really is and isn’t. So whenever possible, and it isn’t ALWAYS possible, remember that all those things are a script from a comedy show. It’s not real. It’s not factual. Oh my goodness… wouldn’t it be great if they could get paid for that material for use in some kind of entertainment venture? You wouldn’t have to buy a ticket to the program because you’ve already heard the content. So on the positive side, you’re lucky because you have the choice to enjoy the show (or not) whether you buy a ticket or not. Maybe after an evening of venom tossing, you could write a review of the alcoholic’s performance as though you were an uninvolved third party. Now that might be interesting.

When the fat lady sings

2019-08-06T11:58:00.000-04:00

When I first took Riley back in after being told he was very sick, I took him to the medical doctor’s and was told he had about two weeks to live if he did not stop drinking. Of course, he did NOT stop and in about two weeks he had an esophageal varices while detoxing in the hospital. He survived. He survived the detox, the varices, the trauma of withdrawing from the booze. He survived it all. He went from the hospital to a six week stay in a nursing home. Then he came home.

Two weeks was what I had been told. Two weeks is all the time I planned on giving to this alcoholic who had monopolized so much of my life. Two weeks and my life would get back to focusing on me and what I wanted to accomplish. I could do two weeks of almost anything. Piece of cake.

Nine YEARS later, my alcoholic husband died. NINE years of taking care of his entire existence and putting myself into a box on a shelf in a dark closet.

Well… finally he was gone. Finally, I could get on with my life. Finally, I could focus on my own happiness and needs. I could leave the house whenever I wanted and desired. I could take a long weekend or maybe even a month. There was NOTHING to hold me back now.

But first I needed to tie up loose ends. Then I had to “get organized”. Then I had to get rid of my husband’s things. Then I had to… and this… and that…

I floundered around doing whatever I thought it was that I needed to do for that day. I jumped from task to task and never really finished anything I started.

When Riley was alive, it was easy to know what I had to do each day. I had a schedule to adhere to. Someone was depending on me to do certain things at certain times of the day. I always knew what was required of me.

All I could say for sure is that I wanted to move to Florida. But I had things that needed to be done first.

It took me more than a year to actually start taking care of myself. I came to the realization that my own health was failing and if I wanted to enjoy my life, I had to make sure I would have a life to live. I had left so many health issues unattended to that it took a few months just to decide where to start. Despite my excellently rationalized planning, it turned out that what I wanted to do first was what I would have to do last.

Everything on my list of things I wanted to accomplish now that I’m not anyone’s caregiver got pushed aside so that I could focus on things like my aching shoulder, knees and hips. (Funny I never noticed how much they hurt when I was taking care of Riley.) I stopped posting so much on this blog. I stopped concentrating on writing a brand-new book. I scheduled doctor appointments and surgeon appointments. I cleaned the pantry and bought the food on my doctor’s new food list.

Gradually, I began adding other things to my list of things I wanted/needed to do. I took the class that was required to earn my “certified” standing as a Peer Recovery Support Specialist. I attended events of groups that focused on recovery from addiction. I networked. My progress was intentionally slow. I wanted to allow myself the time to “let things sink in.”

Well… I guess I let things sink in enough because now I have a full plate of things that I want to accomplish. I have a major surgery coming up. I published a new book, “Postings.” And I have my very first ever real-live two-day interactive workshop set up for early November.

I’m excited about all the new things on my agenda. I’m especially excited about the workshop because it will be unlike any other workshop that most people have attended. It will be full of unexpected guests and unusual topics. It will be INTERACTIVE and the key to it all is the word “WORK” in workshop. Besides the food is incredibly delicious.

I still want to move to Florida, but that will not happen until I’m recovered from this first surgery. I finally feel that I’m no longer floundering around trying to “get my stuff” together.

The fat lady sang a final song and I’m enjoying the silence outside the chaos.

Linda Doyne, CPRSS/E

2019-06-18T08:59:00.000-04:00

Over the past few months I’ve been preparing for the national certification exam for Peer Recovery Support Specialist. I’ve been doing coaching for loved ones of alcoholics for seven years. I didn’t start out to be a recovery coach, I was just answering questions and providing a listening ear. I didn’t charge anyone anything. I did it because someone needed me and I wanted to help.

After Riley’s death, I needed to supplement my income, so I began charging for the coaching services. I turned coaching into a business. Still, I did not charge the rates that other coaches charge, which can sometimes be as much as $150/hour. I wanted to be accessible and reasonable so I started my rates at $30/hour. I also never turned anyone away who could not afford my services.

Over the years, I tried to become certified, but the requirement was that the prospective recovery specialist had to be a recovering substance abuse person. I didn’t fit the criteria and so was not able to become certified. However, I was told by my attorney I could still practice coaching but I had to issue a disclaimer before any coaching sessions. That wasn’t a problem and that’s exactly what I did.

The laws have changed and now you don’t have to be a recovering substance abuser to become a certified peer recovery support specialist. There has been a big push in the mental health industry to make the ones who have suffered collateral damage into support specialists. We, the spouses, parents, siblings, and friends of addicted persons can become certified and reach out to those who are struggling with the very same issues that we have encountered. We can get jobs with mental health agencies and professionals and actually earn a living helping others to survive.

There’s a lot that goes into becoming certified. The candidates must complete 500 hours of supervised coaching with a licensed professional. Then they must complete a 40-hour classroom training program. An exam is given and upon successful completion they receive the title of “Certified Peer Support Specialist.”

I have completed my 500 hours of supervised coaching and my 40 hour classroom training. I’m waiting for the next exam date for my official title. For me, there will be a total of three exams – state, national and international. While I’m waiting for the exam dates, I am officially a “Certified Peer Support Specialist / Eligible”. Once I have passed the exam, the word “Eligible” will be dropped from my title.

The examination will be in late July or early August. Until that time, I will be continuing to charge my usual $30/hour rate. As of September 1^st, the rates will increase to $50/hour. Anyone who books an appointment, even if the appointment occurs in September, will be charged the $30/hour. But the appointment must be booked prior to September 1^st. I still will be offering a sliding scale for those who are unable to meet the full rate.

E-mail me at LindasFrontPorch@outlook.com with the word "coaching" in the subject line. Or go to http://www.lindabarteedoyne.com/coach.php to book your appointment and pay the fee.

If you are interested in becoming a Peer Recovery Support Specialist, contact your local mental health agency or state’s Department of Substance Abuse.

A regular person

2019-05-22T14:29:00.001-04:00

One of my coaching clients asked me, “How do I transition from being a caregiver to a regular person?” I had to stop myself from replying because I couldn’t wrap my mind around the phrase “a regular person”. I wrote her back and asked, “What’s a regular person?” She didn’t answer me, so I hope she is maintaining her awesome sense of humor.

The best way I can answer her question is to tell her to take baby steps. It’s a slow, learning, process. If you’ve been a caregiver for many years, the role has most likely defined who you are as a person. Once having been a caregiver, expect to naturally gravitate to taking care of others because it is what you know. It feels like a sense of accomplishment each day that you manage to keep your caregiving subject alive.

I remember several times when I would get up in the morning and sneak to the edge of Riley’s door and peak in to see if he was still breathing. I tried not to let him know I was near so I could go have my coffee before commencing my day with him. Each time I would see that he was in fact breathing or that he was awake, I would think to myself “Well… that’s good… I didn’t screw up so bad that my caregiving killed him overnight.” Then I would almost immediately feel this sense of accomplishment because I got him through another day. I was a success for the previous day. The day ahead was always one of uncertainty, so I reveled in temporary success.

Caregiving also gives us the illusion of being in control. While knowing we can’t control the alcoholic, we can control what we do. When the time comes when the alcoholic is bedridden or can’t physically take care of his/her own body, we step in and control what the alcoholic can’t managed. It’s not being co-dependent, but rather a humanitarian gesture. Gradually that control becomes a way of living our life. Caregiver are defined by the caregiving and gives purpose. When it goes on for very long periods of time, the caregiver will often lose their own identity and the whole purpose in life will be to take care of the alcoholic.

Even if the alcoholic continues to require the services of a caregiver, the caregiver step out of the role and have a life of their own. At first it won’t feel comfortable. There will be feelings of guilt and uneasiness about not focusing on the alcoholic. But with each step, the next step will be easier.

I suggest starting with lunch with a friend, a movie, or shopping for something personal. Take a few hours to yourself doing something that’s only for you. After doing that a few times, move on to a whole day out of the house and away from the alcoholic. Before you know it, you may be going to work or taking a weekend trip. If money is an issue, there are many things that don’t require a lot of cash – the library, a walk at a local park, join a little theater group, or take a class.

There is a website, www.meetup.com, that lists different activities, groups, and other opportunities to meet new people and do new and interesting things. There is something for everyone of all ages. If you’re in doubt about what you want to do, try checking out this site and explore stepping out of the caregiver box.

Now that Riley is gone, I find that I'm often trying to solve other peoples issues in their lives. When a friend tells me of a problem, I have a tendency to try to help them resolve the issue. Sometimes I am successful and other times, well... not so much. It's a hangover from caregiving providing me with a purpose. If I help someone -- anyone -- I have a purpose. I fail to see that I have a purpose without other people. I am my own purpose. My happiness is my purpose. It's hard to shift gears when it's been a way of life.

And so, it has been difficult for me to stop being a caregiver and start being an individual. It’s been nearly two years since Riley’s death and I’m just now starting to think of myself as an individual and not as Riley’s wife and soul support. I just got a part-time job where I’m interacting with people for four hours a day.

This fall I’ll be moving to Florida where I’ll be meeting up with old friends and making new ones. I’m going to ride a motorcycle for the first time in more than 20 years. I’ll learn to shoot a gun. I’m going to a costume festival parade during Halloween. There will be dinner parties. I’ll wear a big floppy hat while I lay on the beach. My cousin will join me for excursions to art galleries and museums. I’m going to zip line over an alligator pond. I’ll sing very off-key karaoke songs. I’m going to laugh. I won’t worry about what time I get home, if I get home at all, after a night out. I’m going to live my life.

A very special person said to me, “Your husband is dead. You’ve been responsible your entire life. It’s time to be irresponsible. Drink the drink, take the trip. It’s your time.”

I’ve been taking baby steps and now I want to leap forward into a new me which is really a version of the “me” from before Riley.

Take a chance. Take a step. Eat the cake and live your life.

Oxygen mask...

2019-05-07T10:18:00.000-04:00

Have you ever listened to the flight attendant give safety instructions just before an airplane takes off into the wild blue yonder? The instruction is to put your oxygen mask on BEFORE you make sure the kids mask is on their sweet little faces. The purpose for this is for the adult to be alert and aware enough to tend to the youngsters needs. After all, if you can’t breathe, you can’t help the kids breathe. Makes sense to me.

You can say the same thing about taking care of other family members when there is an alcoholic in the midst. If you can’t think clearly and make logical, sane, choices how can you help others make good choices? In a room full of crazy people, there has to one who is the least crazy to lead the pack.

Alcoholics, by their very nature, will create chaos. They don’t intend to do it, but they do. They’re brain’s frontal lobe, which houses our ability to make rational decisions, does not work in the manner that it was intended. In short, they are brain-damaged.

Typically, the most mature and rational of a family will take on the role of head of the family. Whoever that person is, has to have what the alcoholic does not have – a brain that works correctly. The brain is like a machine that needs certain things to keep it running smoothly.

Much like getting a tune-up for your car the brain needs periodic “tune-ups” in the form of rest and relaxation. A constant onslaught of crisis type situations without much of a break in between can wear us down and cause us to make hasty, sometimes unwise, decisions. The result is a condition very similar to PTSD. Sometimes it’s necessary to walk away from the alcoholic chaos for a time to regain your focus.

A healthy diet is also something that the brain needs. Food is our fuel and although fast food, sweets and other goodies taste great, they are not always what we need to keep us properly fueled up and ready to think.

Sometimes the perfect thing for our brains is a little laughter. Constantly focusing on the negative will create a negative attitude in other parts of your life. Stay positive. Stay objective. Keep your sense of humor.

All of those things are part of the oxygen mask that you must place over your face and breathe deep in order to be able to help the other, possibly less resilient, members of the family. If you are seeing your way through any stressful situation, put your oxygen mask on first. Take care of yourself first. Only then can you help anyone else.

Guest Post -- Nova Recovery Center

2019-04-21T16:00:00.001-04:00

Dear Readers:

Following is a guest post from the Nova Recovery Center. In one week it will be transferred over the the Just for Alcoholic's Page. They will also be listed on the Resource Page. --- Linda

Helping a loved one find the proper care they need to recover from addiction can feel like a daunting task, especially if you’ve never been faced with the challenge before. How do you know what type of treatment is right for your loved one? How do you determine your health insurance coverage for rehab? And how do you even get your loved one to agree to go to treatment in the first place?

These are all common questions that many people face as they begin their search for addiction treatment. At Nova Recovery Center, we understand these concerns because many of our staff members, and even our CEO and founder, have been there before. We understand the toll addiction takes on family and friends because we’ve seen it firsthand.

Because we know the struggle, we make it as stress-free and as easy as possible to ensure that our treatment programs are the right fit for you. And if they’re not, we’re happy to provide a referral elsewhere.

At Nova, we offer several individually-tailored programs that, together, comprise a robust addiction treatment regimen designed to carry clients through the entire treatment process, from addiction to sobriety. Our programs include:

● Inpatient drug and alcohol detox

● Residential drug rehab

● IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program)

● One-on-one peer-led support program

● Sober living

Unlike some other rehab centers, we focus on treating the whole person, not just the symptoms of addiction. We work diligently to provide the highest quality addiction treatment services and the following characteristics of our care set us apart from the competition:

● Family program - Loved ones of clients are invited to attend our intensive three-day family program that is designed help family members understand the addiction and recovery processes, initiate healing, and learn how to move forward in their own lives. Our staff uses educational lectures, behavioral therapy, and group activities to facilitate discussion and help families develop healthy communication and boundary-setting. A Nova representative will also travel off-campus with participating family members to help them locate community support group meetings like Al-Anon.

● 90-day residential rehab program - Our long-term residential addiction treatment program provides extended individualized care to ensure that clients have the time they need to fully heal and learn how to live a life that is free from addiction.

● A full continuum of care - We offer several levels of addiction treatment that guides and carries clients through the full treatment process, including detox, residential rehab, IOP, sober living, and peer-led individual support.

● 12-step immersion - Our treatment program is founded on evidence-based treatment methods like individual and group therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and 12-step facilitation therapy.

● Focus on chronic relapse - We work closely with clients to help them learn how to recognize the warning signs of emotional, mental, and physical relapse, mitigate risk and manage lapses for lasting, long-term recovery.

If you’re ready to enroll a loved one, the staff at Nova Recovery Center is here to walk through the process with you. Contact us today to get started.

Alcohol and Memory Loss

2019-04-15T19:19:00.001-04:00

During end-stage alcoholism there is a disease, Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome, which causes the alcoholic to lose the ability to remember people, places and things from their past. The alcohol has soaked the brain with toxins to the point where the brain can no longer function.

There is also a more subtle condition involving alcohol consumption and memory loss. This can take place with regularly drinking as few as three drinks a day. This consumption can result in a blackout type of amnesia. However, there are two types of blackouts, the en-bloc and the fragmentary episode.

During an en-bloc episode the person will forget everything they did during the time they are drinking. It’s is a complete memory loss over a particular time interval during intoxication. If a drinker goes on a two-week bender, the amnesia will encompass the whole two-weeks. These memories will not come back or be recalled.

A fragmentary episode is not as serious and only causes a loss of certain events while retaining some of the memory of that event. This helps the drinker remember the good times while forgetting the bad times during a drinking episode. Even when events are remembered, they are most likely not remembered as they actually happened in reality. Their memories are chemically altered. Unlike the en-bloc memory loss, cues or reminders can be used to recall some or most of the memories during the fragmentary episode.

Long-term alcohol use, even when controlled as two or three drinks during an evening, can create a situation whereby the brain is unable to create new memories. Consider that the phrase “living in the moment” being taken to a whole extreme level.

In a report from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism there are other factors that have an effect on the memory of the drinker:

1. How early in life the person started drinking;

2. Family history of alcoholism;

3. Gender;

4. Overall health and constitution;

5. Social and learning factors such as education.

The Alzheimer’s Association describes the long-term alcohol use amnesia, called Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome as a condition of:

1. Gaps in long-term memory;

2. Inability to remember recent events;

3. Lack of awareness that there are problems with memory;

4. Confabulation or making up information that has been forgotten.

In the case of confabulation, the person is not exactly lying. He/she believes that the made-up memories are real.

Other accompanying personality traits for a person suffering for any memory loss is being easy to anger, expressing agitation, confusion. Most often all these factors result in a state of depression.

If the alcoholic in your life says to you that they don’t remember an event, saying or doing a specific thing, it is most like the absolute truth. So, when you are called a derogatory name, it will be devastating to you, but for the alcoholic it will be as though it never happened. If you can’t remember something you can’t feel remorse for having said or done whatever that “thing” is. It just doesn’t exist.

It is heartbreaking to realize that you have been living as a part of couple and the other half of that same couple considers you as one step away from being a stranger. It’s OK. You can feel all the hurt that you would naturally feel, but it won’t help you to dwell on those emotions. Grieve. Cherish the memories that he/she does not have. What you do about it is up to you. But, always know what you are walking into, or out of, before making any decision.

Oh… I think I forgot where I was going with this….