Today, I’ve been married to my wife Christine for 25 years. It’s a big deal! 

After spending the last couple of weekends at weddings, I was reminded again that there is so much we don’t know at that moment of pledging our lives to one another (especially when young). 

My wife and I didn’t know what life would bring. We didn’t know we would walk through a second-trimester miscarriage. We didn’t know we would spend three months in the hospital after her water broke at 27 weeks, trying to prolong the pregnancy as long as possible before spending our first two months of parenting in the NICU as our 3 lb daughter fought to conquer life’s most fundamental tasks. We didn’t know Christine would face surgery and treatment to remove cancer and we didn’t know our daughter would be diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy (most of the above was within two years!).  We didn’t know where our vocational paths would take us. Neither of us would have remotely had the idea that we would spend almost a decade living in Manila and working in Asia. We also didn’t know we would end up transitioning back to the U.S. mid-life in a way that felt like we were completely starting over. As we recently reflected, over 70% of our married life has included really difficult events, transitions, struggles, and challenges. That’s almost 20 years out of the 25!  You say the words, “In sickness and in health, for better or for worse,” and more, but you just don’t know. That’s why the person you do it all with matters all the more.

The Known

There are things I knew with certainty about Christine when we married. There were things I didn’t. As we celebrate 25 years, I find myself delighted in the things that have always been true of her. But I find myself inspired by the things that weren’t always true in the way they are now.

I knew I married sunshine. 

I’ve described Christine in many ways over the years: a walking human party, someone who could make a tree feel comfortable, someone who is always hunting the next celebration. She lives for joy and is joy. Before we started dating, we were both at a workshop where we had to share who we are through a collage of sorts. Her’s was a bright yellow heart that captured all the above. Mine was a black square with one cut-out graphic of ominous clouds with the caption “cloudy on the outside, sunny on the inside.” The clouds haven’t gone away, but she’s always seen the sun within. But she resides in and draws people to blue skies and sunshine. 

I knew I married empathy and compassion.

She cared deeply for people and in ways that helped people feel seen and safe. Christine has always seen what people are carrying quickly and connects deeply in the moment. She’s all in when the moment calls for it and has always borne others’ burdens in critical moments with love, kindness, and gentleness.

I knew I married encouragement.

She is by nature a cheerleader. One of the few times when she gets deeply offended in our house is when one of our kids has an event, and they don’t want us there. It’s personal. She is a canon of encouragement waiting to be fired, and when she can’t, it’s a small injustice. Simply put, she was made to cheer people on. If you know her, you’ve probably experienced it. She cheers our kids on, she cheers me on (a tough assignment to be sure), and everyone in her life. People are meant to be celebrated, and she’s always been among the very best at it.

I knew I married real.

When we were dating, there was a lot that she was trying to figure out, but she hungered for the real and the authentic. She was completely put off by pretense, falsehood, and performance and saw through such illusions. She wanted integrity and trustworthiness in herself and those around her.  She described herself at the time as a bit emotive and messy, but in that she had clarity of conviction about what direction she was going as a person and in terms of what she wanted in others. Honesty, integrity, truth, and reality were her north star.

The Unknown

Those were things I knew well over 25 years ago, the things that drew me to her and that gave me the confidence that she was the one I wanted to do this life with. But there were things I didn’t quite know.

I didn’t know I married wisdom.

In her twenties, my wife could often see the truth of things. She had insights into people and situations that were a peek behind the veil, if it were. I knew she had gifts of discernment, but they often were overwhelmed by the emotions or weight of the moment or situation. Or she second-guessed herself in the face of intimidating or aggressive people. She has always seen, but unlike my vision at my age, where my eye prescription is getting worse by the year, her discernment has grown sharper year after year. The raw and emotional discernment of her twenties has developed and matured into the grounded wisdom of a sage.  People have always trusted Christine with their stories, their secrets, and their hidden realities (even if they didn’t realize they were). She is a keeper of secrets and a vault for the sacred that people bring to her. While this used to overwhelm her, she has learned to hold these moments for people…even if it’s just in prayer.  

I didn’t know I married leadership. 

There were plenty of leadership qualities that Christine showed in her twenties. But she wasn’t always eager to multiply her responsibility and authority. She was a mobilizer and a galvanizer. That was the primary way I saw her leading. Over the years, I had a front row seat to her finding her way as a mother and leading our kids. As the years passed, she got more comfortable with her authority and responsibility. As that happened, more of her gifts and leadership emerged. I’m quite sure that my wife would never have anticipated being the director of an academic and leadership development certification program at a seminary. Yet she has served as a faculty member for almost 15 years and was the Director of the program for 6 years. She led the program through the most difficult challenges of its history, not the least of which was the pandemic.  She said at the time and in increasing measure since, that there are times when she has a deep sense of where people, teams, or even a ministry needs to go and how to get there.  That wasn’t on display with clarity and confidence in our twenties. In recent years, that leadership aptitude has only shone brighter despite various limitations and our confusing multi-regional responsibilities. 

I didn’t know I married faith.

I’m not sure either of us were pinnacles of faith in our twenties. We met because we both had taken great risks by faith and were serving by faith. But our mid-twenties were messy as we were untangling the God we thought we knew from the God that was inviting us to know Him for who He truly is and in the context of who we truly were. It was somewhere around that time that my wife and I were on a street in Mexico City, where she broke down crying because she was having such a hard time navigating the language during our visit there. Her actual lament is meaningful now: “I’m not international material!” Yet twelve years later, she would move along with her three young kids, 8 years and under, to Manila and the Philippines, without having previously visited. And it was initially her idea to explore the idea. She wanted to live big, despite the challenges. Having kids was initially a hard thing for her because she lives for freedom and was reluctant to take on big responsibilities at times. After the miscarriage and our experience with our oldest, Morgan, those first couple of years, it was really scary for her to consider a second child. Yet she developed a sense of conviction. Faith. Colin came along…and then Kaelyn, a few years later. Each child was a huge step of faith for her, given her entry into motherhood and her personality type. But our family now is a product of her faith and willingness to risk and trust God with the unknown. 

I love that there are more things to love about Christine now at 25 years than when we started.

There is one more thing I knew 25 years ago. She was my best friend. We both knew that. The combination of laughing hard, depth of conversation, trustworthiness, and ease of connection won us both over.  It still does today. Time is not promised to any of us, but we can only hope to get 25 more years together. But for today, I’m incredibly grateful for the 25 years we’ve been given. Thank you to those who have encouraged and supported us along the way. 

And Christine – I love you Happy Anniversary!

Many of you know that a couple of years ago due to a convergence of events and factors, our family relocated from the Philippines back to Long Beach just a few minutes away from my parents. In that crisis, my mom played a significant role, consistently reinforcing to me that the steps we were taking with the smallest bit of faith that we had at the time, were mighty and powerful. She was convinced that those decisions would bear lasting and significant fruit for my family and so many more. And she delighted in every risk taken, every small victory, and every redemptive moment on the journey. She did that for me, for us, and for so many.

She was convinced that God would redeem so much of the pain and loss and provide so many good gifts along the way. None of us would have dreamed that one of the greatest gifts would be for our family to have been near her, and more importantly with her, during her last couple of years of life after we had lived out of the country for so long. What I thought was our premature return was a grace disguised captured in hundreds of memories and experiences that we are so, so thankful for.

The night she was taken to the hospital I had a brief moment alone with her after the medical realities were explained to me. That moment that there are really no words for became holy as a passage of Scripture quickly came into my mind as I looked upon my mom. It was Matthew 5:4,

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.”

My mom hungered and thirsted for righteousness. That word righteousness can have a lot of connotations but it includes dimensions of justice, truth, and even more – wholeness. She hungered for things to be made right and for people to experience the fullness of what they were meant for. And this is what it looked like for her in her life and ministry. She hungered for people to be whole and she thirsted for people to live in the freedom that comes as the reward for truth and honesty. And she marveled at how God uses peoples’ stories and gifts to lead each other into that truth and greater wholeness. She saw those contributions as some of God’s highest callings in a person’s life and it why she was so passionate about healthy teams and healthy conflict.

It has been impossible not to recognize the ways so much of her is a part of who I and my sisters are.  Each one of us lives those values and passions out in very different ways, but there are common threads of legacy that reflect my mom. She was passionate about ethical leadership, healthy teams, and peacemaking. I must have bought in somewhere along the way as my own ministry and vocational path led me to graduate-level teaching and leadership development in all of those areas. I see that legacy of passion in my own life, but it’s even more beautiful to see some of those same threads in each of my own children and the rest of her grandchildren. I love that I can see different parts of my mom in each of my kids.

My mom celebrated well and did so intentionally and thoughtfully. She will be deeply missed for how hard she worked to make each person in her life feel special and seen. She sought to affirm, empower, and cheer you on in light of the uniqueness of your story. She was passionate about capturing the significance of the moment. She was excited to pass on a congratulations or a job well done, but she did it in a way as if to say, “Keep going! There’s even more great things ahead if you keep going and growing!”

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.”

My mom wasn’t easily satisfied – she was wired for change. As you came in, you may have seen the photo board with the 2^nd Timothy quote that says “I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith.” My mom would have taken the most pride in that she had fought the good fight until the end. There was always the next wrong to right, the next mountain to climb, the next person to exhort or persuade, the next challenge to conquer, the next opportunity to be maximized.

If she thought you were too easily satisfied, I think she often took it as a personal challenge. She would find a way to exhort and challenge you for the sake of maturity and greater integrity and impact. She was all in on the concept of iron sharpening iron and she wanted everyone around her to be as sharp as they could be. She didn’t speak into lives to condemn, but to elevate and inspire. She embraced that sharpening role because she wanted you…she wanted everyone…to experience more love, more truth, more connection, and more life on life impact. She was always after wholeness and had deep conviction that this is what we should do for each other if we truly care about one another.

The only time I cracked a smile the night she passed away was when the neurosurgeon who was there recognized her from a few weeks earlier as, “the woman from the ICU who was challenging him and giving him feedback.” He was as shocked as I was that her days of fighting the good fight were over.

I was shaped and formed in many ways in my person and vocationally because of my mom’s tenacity, passions, and strength. But as her son, my favorite side to her was simply as mother, not the leader or change agent. I had a different personality and sometimes could be overwhelmed by her intensity and passion for challenge. I admired her unique gifts and qualities, but as the years have gone on, the times I loved most were the times that felt most like friendship in its simplicity,  presence, and rest.

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.”

I love that she influenced me and so many with her hunger for wholeness and to see things made right. But more than that, I love that she is experiencing perfectly that wholeness she fought for throughout her entire life. And I love that in that wholeness in Christ, she is perfectly and completely satisfied.

I finally had a chance to read The 6 Types of Working Genius: A Better Way to Understand Your Gifts, Your Frustrations, and your Team. I enjoy all of Lencioni’s books because of their narrative, fable style with clear presentation of the underlying model. I also love them as audiobooks as most of his books were read sitting in long hours of Manila traffic over the years. This book was similar in style, but enjoyed that it included both a business and a church/ngo expressions of the fable/story. Lencioni has done a lot of work related to parish renewal in the Catholic church which has a lot of relevance for other faith-based contexts (search for his amazing parish resource site).

The 6 types of working genius are as follows and represent the 6 major dimensions or contributions needed for any endeavor to get off the ground and succeed. 

Wonder
Invention
Discernment
Galvanizing
Enablement
Tenacity

On one level, I do not see this framework as revolutionary. I just don’t because there’s something that feels obvious.  Strengths finder in a lot of ways highlights contributions that match some of these areas. Spiritual gifts in church and ministry settings also have historically helped people and teams think about how to best leverage each member’s strengths for the maximum synergy and outcomes of the team and effort. 

But this book and assessment have taken off in a lot of different contexts. I think one reason is that it captures strengths and contributions in a process model that is simple and intuitive.  Other models have existed – I’ve seen some build off of the MBTI model that sought to do similar things.  But the working genius puts it in a process and linear framework that gives hope for progress while at the same time empowering and releasing the talent and gifts of the team members.  It fits well in business and bottom-line contexts, whereas some of the other personality-based tools aiming to capture such a process maybe fell short.  People can easily see themselves in this framework without having to know abstract or nuanced personality preferences (like sensing or intuition in the mbti). I think we also like being told we have a genius even more than we like being told we have strengths!

But this is a really helpful tool for personal reflection, development, and career planning as well as for team building and strategy/resource allocation. I think it brings a process to teams that sometimes struggle to understand or map out the full process of work initiatives. Many teams struggle in one of these areas because they do lack someone who can lead the charge and provide the needed energy and behaviors that move the ball forward.  But from wonder to tenacity (finishing), it helps to see the progression of skills and gifts that need to be brought to bear in a team.

The challenge of this framework relates to the dynamics of authority and leadership that seeks to create a more flat or egalitarian team context to make these “geniuses” go.  This only works if a leader is leading in that direction, sharing power, empowering others, and is secure enough in their own authority. While these geniuses would be just as true in places like Asia and Africa, the assumptions about what teams look like and how team leaders lead are quite different.  Check out Erin Meyer’s The Culture Map for a quick survey of all the differences related to hierarchy, decision-making, communication, conflict, and several other things. 

As a professor of Team Leadership, teaching students in Asia, I wrestle with some of the assumptions of this model because it assumes western preferences and leadership styles. I think the working genius framework can be lived out in Asia, but it really is at the mercy of how the leader wields authority and how they use their power.  There are all sorts of red flags in tapping into others’ working genius in Asia. How does one use their discernment working genius if they don’t have a voice because they are so far down the totem pole or hierarchy? How does one ask the big questions and “wonder” when the risk of shaming others runs so high?

So personally, I don’t disagree with the power of this model given how I see team leadership and in light of my own preferences or style. I just have a lot of questions as to how teams are empowered and released to truly work in these ways.  It is a very different approach to leadership in teams in many parts of the world and there’s a lot more leadership development needed to be explored to help leaders actually lead this way in such contexts. 

Meyer specifically calls out Lencioni in her book for not attending to how important cultural dynamics are in his frameworks of leadership and organizational health. I heard firsthand Lencioni argue that many cross-cultural differences are overblown in these areas.  I agree on some level that this is true, but I think Lencioni is greatly underestimating cross-cultural realities in how he presents a lot of his frameworks.  It doesn’t mean they aren’t valid or even transferable to other contexts, but sometimes they require a lot of work or additional leadership development for those ideas to have a chance to succeed.  I think this is true with the working genius framework as well.

In the West, this book and framework is going to continue to resonate deeply with teams.  I am curious about its global resonance and how other cultures navigate it. I think most will find it attractive and promising, but living it out in team context, relationships, and structure requires a lot more than just recognizing who is good at what and then letting them do it. I wish it were that simple!

Personally – my working genius areas were wonder and discernment.  That makes sense to me. I think I regularly excel in those areas, though I think quite often my wondering and discernment is not heeded or recognized.  My areas of competence (areas I have learned to be good, but in areas that are draining over time) are galvanizing and tenacity. Basically, I have learned to manage and finish, but it takes a lot out of me.  My areas of frustration are invention and enablement – generating new and novel ideas or solutions and providing encouragement and exhortation to people to keep going. They exhaust me.  So I found the assessment to be pretty true to my experience and the feedback I’ve gotten.

Check out the assessment here or buy the book.  But I think it’s worth picking up at some point if you lead or work in teams regularly. 

I’m not the only one.

We all struggle either in writing or in speaking in two big areas: 

1) Making sure we have a clear point to what we are doing

2) Making sure that the point is being communicated effectively verbally or in written form.

Get to the Point! Sharpen Your Message and Make Your Words Matter by Joel Schwartzberg was a book I saw at an affordable price and checked out for my own development as a communicator.  It’s fairly short and concise (so it backs up its main point!) and you can find it on kindle often for $2.99.  I don’t regret it one bit because I found myself evaluating my communication regularly before I finished reading the book – from blogs and lectures to emails and resumes.

I won’t repeat what’s in the book, but there is really helpful content and coaching that helped me get sharper and more committed to being crystal clear about my main point. I can come into a project with dozens of points and want to communicate them all – but usually, there is a main point that can add power and clarity to both the organization and the delivery of a presentation. I feel more clear and equipped to craft that point and build the other pieces around it.

There is great feedback on the typical roadblocks to clarity and how writers and speakers can both develop clarity and guard against the types of things that generate confusion or take away from the power of a presentation.  I found it practical and helpful. 

We all appreciate it and take notice when people in our lives communicate in timely, focused, and powerful ways in which the main point is loud and strong.  We should hold ourselves to that standard as well and keep growing as communicators and writers.  Some books help with grammar and language – this one is a great tool to help sharpen the goal, design, and persuasive impact of our presentations. It’s personally helpful, but I can see my high school kids benefitting greatly from this in their school writing and presentations.

While I hated Manila traffic most days, there’s an experience of driving every day where you see things you aren’t used to seeing, you’re hearing things you aren’t used to hearing, and you’re smelling things you aren’t used to smelling. Sometimes, those are tougher moments when you meet a smell your system just can’t seem to adapt to. But it’s an immersive experience that made every day both challenging and rich.

My wife hit a chicken on the road one day taking the kids to school. There were at times carts being pulled by donkeys going the wrong way on the road. The colorful jeepneys that are both menaces to traffic flow, but moving pieces of art that routinely merge sports, movies, and religious culture.  I’ll never forget seeing a jeepney decorated with Lebron James, Snoop Dogg, Gandalph, and the mother Mary.  As they say, “It’s more fun in the Philippines!”

Over time the sights, sounds, and smells become a part of you. The roosters in the morning, the karaoke across the street at night, the vendors selling a variety of foods at different points in the day on the streets. What is common in one place is more exotic to the one visiting. That sense of newness and adventure never really wore off even though it became more familiar.

One fun moment several years ago we found a piece of wall art in Manila, pictured below, that captured the sense of adventure that we loved in our life overseas. What made me buy it was that it was in Manila, but the image of the art was drawn from my hometown of Long Beach with a view of the Queen Mary. I don’t think these viewing things are still there so it’s probably an older picture. But It was something that spoke to us – that we left that place with that sense of adventure, faith, and risk.  We left the “safe harbor” to journey into the unknown for whatever God might have for us. We routinely felt that sense of adventure and risk and it was the backdrop to every day we lived there.

When it comes to this sense of adventure and risk, re-entry back into the U.S. honestly is a bummer. It’s not to judge where we’re from. It’s just familiar. For the most part, it’s predictable. There are ways to get cross-cultural experiences as it’s increasingly a diverse world. But it’s just different. It’s not as immersive. It’s more routine. 

There are just as many cultural challenges and risks for those in re-entry. It just seems to be masked a bit in familiarity and without the reward of feeling like you’re living bigger.  There’s a real sense of loss that life is getting smaller. We miss the sounds of roosters and trying to avoid chickens and donkeys on the road. We miss the constant reminders daily that “we’re not in Kansas anymore.”  

There is a danger as people have shared with us about life as an ex-pat or international worker or missionary – that there can be a version of becoming an adrenalin junkie. The need to be in those types of exotic or foreign situations to feel satisfied or to have a sense of meaning or that life is “big” enough to matter.  We resonate with that. It was always easy to remember we had “thrown off the bowlines” when the adventure and newness were in front of us every day.

It became part of our identity. Part of what we valued and found significant in our daily lives. When it’s taken away, it adds to the existential crisis and loss of re-entry. How many times have we had moments and days where my wife and I have looked at one another and asked, “Is this it?” or “Is this really my daily routine right now?”  It’s not judging, but part of the grieving. It’s asking “How can my life here be meaningful when it was so meaningful there?”

Part of the re-entry process is learning to make these adjustments and learning to “bloom where you’re planted.” That’s the destination of the journey (maybe we’ll get there one day!).  But part of me wages war against that. I don’t want to bloom where I’m planted because part of me would rather be planted somewhere else! Or maybe it’s fairer to say it feels limiting and claustrophobic to be planted at all, let alone in a place that feels so familiar and ordinary. 

A lot of re-entry tools and training include dimensions helping international workers find ways to maintain global connection and involvement.  That seems to be a critical part of the journey, especially for those that lived elsewhere for a long time. It’s a journey and intentional process to try to make room for the “here” and the “there” in your normal rhythm of life. I think we’re still working on how to maintain those connections and maintain that as part of our sense of identity. We still want to live “big” and maybe there are more limitations to how “big” that can be once we’ve been planted back home, but we must “own” how we maintain those experiences moving forward. It’s no longer being facilitated for us when we walk out our front door. We have to move towards it.

It can be a relief to not live day to day with as much risk or cultural stress. But there’s a real loss in feeling like our world, which had felt so big, has shrunk down to size. It’s a challenge to trust God for more opportunities to live big in those ways AND also to have the sight to see how we can live big where we are even if we can’t see what that might look like because it’s disguised in the ordinary or familiar. We sometimes have felt like living overseas “ruined” us from fitting in or enjoying life back home like we used to.  But I think it just enhanced our senses and enlarged our hearts. That process doesn’t need to stop. we just need to find ways to maintain some of that as we work to “bloom where we’re planted,” to steward who we are, where we are. 

If you haven’t taken some of these types of adventures, look for opportunities to “throw off the bowlines” and “sail away from the safe harbor!” But for those who have had “the trade winds at their sails,” adventures don’t all have to look and feel exotic. Adventures can take place in a lot of places, even at home, even though it may take some intentionality. Sometimes you may have to look for them or be ready for them in new ways!

But of course, we get excited for the next chance to go back!

We all face this simple family decision. When do we update the family photo in the living room? When do we swap out the old family photos for this year’s photos?  Sometimes we’re lazy. Sometimes it’s inconvenient. But sometimes you just don’t want to.

I think it’s often those who are grieving that don’t want to change the photos, especially after someone has passed away…a spouse, a parent, a child. Photos don’t always need to change. Some last for the long haul. But some become signs of a personal transition that has yet to reach its endpoint.

When we “returned” from overseas we had a bunch of stuff in storage that had been there for 9 years. Our family photos were a time capsule of the year before we left. We were left looking at images of ourselves from before our international life, thinking of their enthusiasm and faith, but also of their naivete and cluelessness. Yet for one full year of living in the U.S. after our return, we didn’t change the photos. Sometimes we talked about it like, “Maybe we should….”, but we never did. Here are a couple of reasons I think why that was.

1. Fatigue and exhaustion. I don’t want to underestimate this point. Transitioning was exhausting and full of anxiety and fear. How do we find the energy to get photos printed?  We never did.
   
   
2. Grief. It’s not that we wanted the photos that were in the frames in our house all year.  That wasn’t the case. But there was an emotional barrier to putting photos in the frames because it feels like a step toward permanence. Our season of returning felt premature and unwanted. There’s something about “nesting” that represents the embrace or acceptance of a new place and new path. It’s not that I wanted the old photos. I just don’t think I was ready for the new ones. 
   
   
3. Vulnerability. There is an aspect that isn’t as much about grief but about vulnerability in transition with an uncertain future. There was real anxiety, fear, and self-protection in “nesting” because of a single question, “For how long?” Why get comfortable when we might have the rug pulled out again? When we might have to move again very soon? Any kind of household “upgrades” kinda felt like it was just opening ourselves up for disappointment and stress for the next big move that we know is coming at some point, but not sure when and how disruptive it will be. 

But now 13 months after the big decision and return, we finally changed the photos.

Some of that sadness is still there, and there definitely is the insecurity and vulnerability about how much this is “home” really. But some of that grief has found comfort. There’s still fatigue, but not quite so paralyzing. There’s still vulnerability and insecurity, but a greater readiness and ability to be present in the “now.” 

Not every family or person returning from overseas life may take a full year to change photos, but there are probably different symbolic things to different people that take on a lot of significance because of feelings about the past and the future in different ways. These photos have been a visible representation that we had a different life and that we weren’t really ready to embrace a new one. When our daughter finally catalyzed the photo “project,” we found it to be a tangible symbol of the changes we’ve felt at the emotional and identity levels. It felt like it was time and it felt good. But it felt organic and we’re grateful it wasn’t forced too soon.

There are more moments of resolution to come for sure, but that was a big one. It’s a reflection that there is an acceptance at a new level that our sense of “home” has been altered permanently, but it includes where we were and where we are. Maybe most importantly though, it’s a sign that there’s hope and that there’s a future that has purpose, beauty, and meaning-even if it’s in a new place.

If you’re on the journey, it’s ok that you haven’t changed the photos…or the furniture…or the luggage…or the artwork. At some point, the right adjustments will come when there’s a readiness for them.

So as a starting point here because some of our American friends here might be confused by this.  Sarcasm really does not exist in Asia. In an honor-shame, indirect collectivist society, to consistently relate sarcastically is to to consistently find yourself on the outside looking in.  Sarcasm as a form of humor (though maybe that’s not always the word!) is really a subtle form of honor competition. It’s liguistic jousting with an edge that seeks to one up someone else. Sometimes it can be in good fun and clever. Sometimes, maybe not so much. But in Asia, such interactions with the goal of making yourself look good while also in some ways making someone else look bad is on the shameful side because it can cause people to lose face.  So not a lot of sarcasm from my experience in Asia. Sarcastic people did not seem to succeed very well.

Photo by capnsnap on Unsplash

This is what made it so jarring to return to America after living and serving in that world so long. I remember our first month after covid was over and I was regularly working with people or in meetings. I found myself getting incredibly uncomfortable in meetings because of the way people were joking with each other and competing in a way that was seeking at times to “one-up” the other. I even found myself wondering to myself, “Are these people even trying?” This type of judgment and assumption is classic re-entry when you’re coming from one culture into another.  But I was exhausted watching it.  And the times where it was directed to me…..it stuuuung! 

Neal Pirolo in The Re-entry Team, among other re-entry writers, writes about how ex-pats returning to their home nation are often super sensitive because of the insecurity and change and “foreignness” they are experiencing – the vulnerability they feel in a place that should be “home.” I think our whole family can confirm that. But sarcasm was a strong element in this, because our interpretive tools to understand what these exchanges mean had been really altered in Asia. In the Philippines especially, it’s all about SIP, “Smooth Interpersonal Relationships.” That means keep harmony at whatever cost.

My kids really found it challenging. My son had an internship this summer at the Long Beach Aquarium and one of his teammates at one point told him directly, “Dude, you need to work on figuring out sarcasm!” He just isn’t used to the different beats and notes of this style of communication. He came back and started his re-entry in middle school which meant basically his whole year he came home feeling like he had been shot with arrows all over.  We have no doubt that many of those arrows were middle school meanness and immaturity. But even words said in a spirit of fun or friendly competition would have a harsh and deep impact.  

Our youngest, who had spent most of her whole life in Asia had the most trouble probably discerning the meaning of such communication. There was just no grid. So she either missed it, took it literally or was really hurt by the communication in ways that were probably not intended. Though there’s no shortage of people who surely intend to say the things they say as well!  An example, though not exactly sarcasm, is when our youngest asked us one day, “I don’t understand why my friends are calling each other hoes. I don’t think they are talking about the garden tool!” When you grow up somewhere else you miss out on some things (sometimes for the better!). But this illustrates the amount of communication interpretation still has to be done even though people would look at us and assume we would track with everything they are.

It really helped one day to realize that this is part of the cultural adjustment and it’s learning or re-learning communication to “fit in” or bond in this new world. Once we were able to name it, it was easier to recognize it, easier to see how it was even a form of affection for some people and in some relationships, and not to take it so personally.  Now our kids at the end of school don’t feel like they have been stabbed 50 times by things others have said. Maybe now it’s just 10!  It might be too much to ask for 0, but we’ll take progress in today’s world!

Here’s where I’ll state my preferences and how I’ve changed. I was never deeply sarcastic. My humor is more of a dry and dark wit. But this is something I really appreciate about Asia. I may have always found Asia incredibly difficult sometimes to get at what someone truly was thinking or wanting to say because they were choosing face over honesty.  But I loved that there was not an ongoing honor competition that was biting or aggressive. I find sarcasm at times to be clever and fun.  At other times I find it self-protective and diminishing of quality conversation, safe spaces, and authentic connection. I think there’s a balance to be found in the kind of directness and freedom we want to exercise at times with sensitivity and restraint. 

Something to consider as well.  Sarcasm is typically more of a social tool (and weapon) in white spaces. On many an occasion, a person of color or international student or visitor has been alienated by this type of social jousting and honor competition in these spaces. Cultures communicate differently, so these types of communication learnings are not just for the ex-pats and TCKs. They are for everyone in this diverse and increasingly globalized world.  

Are there people around you uncomfortable with sarcasm?  

When do you think it crosses the line?  Are you aware or do you think they just need to “get thicker skin?”

This area is a good example of how returning ex-pats can easily be hurt by others and easily judge others for behavior that now feels very offensive. But me or my family are not going to change the communication patterns of our passport country or city!

There’s a need to identify the tensions, live out the values and preferences we have come to believe in, and be gracious and patient with these types of behavioral patterns that can have some rough edges to them at times. We need to maintain humility and patience even when we feel pain and insecurity from those rough edges and make choices accordingly. Maybe we need to move towards other people. Maybe we need to minimize some relationships. Maybe we just need to talk about it. But we definitely need to be humble learners about ourselves and our home culture, recognizing that it and us are both not the same as when we left.  It’s hard to persevere and keep moving towards people that you feel stung by all the time.

So the next time you encounter friends coming home from honor-shame, indirect contexts, maybe humor and communication patterns are worth thinking about.  Your instinct might be to think that you’re not having a cross-cultural encounter. But you probably are in some ways!

Most of the time we spent was just hanging out and laughing as a family, but we spent about 30 minutes each day having some intentional conversations about where we are in cultural re-entry since I would mark it to almost the year point where re-entry really kicked in for us.  And the school year just kicked off which has seemed to resurface some of the re-entry themes.  So a good time to connect.

Here’s one conversation we had that was really insightful and maybe it’s something that may benefit you now or in the future.  We talked about reframing reentry as we move from year 1 to year 2.

This idea came from The Reentry Roadmap by Cate Brubaker. This is a resource full of a lot of practical processing tools and insights related to both processing the past, the present, and laying the foundation for what’s next and how to move forward from a place of integration.  This resource does not offer much from a spiritual standpoint, but there are a lot of great and helpful things on the practical, emotional, and relational sides of things, including the basis for what our family did here this weekend.

The reframing idea is presented as a way of shifting focus to a way of perceiving the season of transition in a way that can be freeing, lifegiving, and add meaning in ways that serve a person as they go through the process.  So there’s a naming or recognition of how someone has been thinking about reentry and then a reframing of that picture.  In the book, there are some creative ways of using types of fruits to capture different word pictures, but I’m not that creative.

When our family did this activity, it was after at least a full solid year of re-entry so I didn’t use the exact language from the book.   So each in our family was asked to share,

“What label would you place on your experience of reentry or what did you fundamentally think the past year involved for you (and for us)?”

Answers:

• Survival
• Climbing a mountain (one mentioned the little engine that could in thinking all year, “I think I can, I think I can…”)
• Grief and sadness
• Constant risks
• Season of disorientation

This past year was truly a year of survival in many ways for all of us. The reframing picture is attractive because none of us want another year of survival.  So the question was asked,

“What would be a different, but motivating way of framing your reentry transition so that it helps you grow in some of your excitement for what the coming year can be?

Brubaker offers a list of 12 or so different possible words. Here’s what was shared by the five of us in our family:

• An opportunity
• A transition and a blank canvas
• A gift
• A rebirth
• A rebirth and reinvention

This little exercise allowed us to have some great conversations over what each person in the family was really wanting to see this next year in some way or form.  It provided a positive and encouraging word picture that conveyed some hopes and dreams. It was a sign of progress. While there are still dimensions of survival, we’re no longer dominated by just making it from one day to the next. It feels good to start to recognize some things that are meaningful and life-giving moving forward.

It will still be a work in progress and it’s slower than we want.  But it was fun to have a moment where even though the end is not in sight, there’s at least a recognition or some small sign of excitement at what might be true on the other side of the transition and even progressively more true as we keep moving forward in it together.  

So the two questions we discussed for this re-entry family activity again:

1. “What label would you place on your experience of reentry or what did you fundamentally think the past year involved for you (and for us)?”
   
   

2. “What would be a different, but motivating way of framing your reentry transition so that it helps you grow in some of your excitement for what the coming year can be?

Before introducing aspects of the theory that emerged in my research and analysis on unequal negotiation and flourishing outcomes, it’s important to add another framework that can illuminate a general range of day-to-day negotiations in organizations, churches, ministries, or even families. Such a framework is helpful because there are a couple of key negotiating factors that shift the dynamics or even change the rules of what is possible (or advisable). Two of these factors are interests and power.  Interests and power were two of the five causal conditions for what emerged as the theory’s core phenomenon in unequal negotiation: navigating risk and the threat of loss. 

Burns, Chapman, and Guthrie in The Politics of Ministry offer a framework that was helpful in my research and that brings general understanding of the types of negotiations that people experience. They have a 4-cell model organized around interests and power. Here’s a version of the model from their book. Each cell has a general baseline strategy depending on whether interests are shared or conflicting and whether power is equal or unequal. 

Burns, Chapman, and Guthrie call unequal negotiations over conflicting interests “Cell 4” negotiations, while “Cell 2” refers to unequal negotiations over shared or complimentary interests (2019, 120). The research I did included both Cell 2 and Cell 4 negotiations because the interviews all began with case studies of unequal power. So both of these cells were included, though the majority of the case studies provided were Cell 4 negotiations given that participants often chose to prioritize an experience that required a significant investment that required facing greater risk. There tends to be more risk when the power is unequal and when each party has different ideas of what needs to happen in the negotiation.

Power inequality in negotiation is somewhat straight forward in this framework.  The majority of case studies cited examples of unequal negotiation that were unequal primarily in terms of position or authority.  This was especially true in the Southeast Asian interviews – just about each one was rooted in a positional gap of authority. In the American case studies, positional authority was still the dominant variable in power difference between parties, but sometimes power was assigned based on age, gender, ethnicity, competence, communication, age, or resource control.  Often there were multiple power variables at work together in both contexts (i.e. white, male, supervisor). Table 4.2 in the dissertation (page 108) provides a more detailed look at how power was assigned by interview participants. 

Interests in unequal negotiation can be shared (Cell 2) or conflicting (Cell 4). Contemporary negotiation scholarship exhorts parties to get underneath the “positions” in the negotiation to the underlying interests that are really driving the need for the negotiation. Cell 2 negotiations can still be competitive because it may take some work for parties to realize that they do have shared or complimentary interests. There were case studies shared that started in conflict due to a focus on starting positions or goals, but resulted in mutual flourishing as parties discovered that there was a way for both parties to meet their interests in a satisfactory way. Sometimes this was contingent on the party in power intentionally relating in ways to bridge the power distance so that Cell 2 took on the relational quality of a Cell 1 negotiation. When interests truly did not align, then a more competitive negotiation was common in terms of strategies (Cell 3).  

As you can see in Cell 4, strategies and approaches depend on whether one is in the power under or power over negotiating position and what may be needed may fluctuate. I did not focus heavily on tangible negotiating strategy in my research, but instead I was exploring the internal power, identity, and interest processing that contributes to either some measure of personal and relational transformation or a hardening of heart that reinforces and protects interests, identity, and power. These dynamics can be evident in all four cells, but Cell 4 highlights most powerfully the connections between how power, interests, and identity influence one another and contribute to flourishing or diminishing results. For a bit more of a look into the strategic options for power under negotiations in Cell 4 negotiators, I direct you to this helpful blog post which unpacks the model in some of those ways.

Interests can be more than just the motivations for the substantive goals of the negotiation. In my negotiation courses I sometimes frame interests as the things that you are really trying to get as well as the things that you are really working to protect. These things may be quite hidden from others and sometimes they are hidden to the negotiator him or herself as well! But reflection in this area is one way to start getting below the surface to some of what truly might be at work in the substantive or the relational dimensions of the negotiation.

Interests can take many forms. There can be relational interests. There can be personal interests such as status, achievement, and honor. There can be identity interests that are rooted in advancing or protecting different dimensions of perceived identity. There can be interests rooted in human heart issues such as pride, revenge, control, or idolatrous demands.  The 4-Cell framework unpacks interests mostly from a framework of what informs the goals of the negotiation. Yet the negotiation itself can awaken or trigger additional interests (relational, identity, heart issues) that can slowly (or quickly) move negotiations from Cell 1 or Cell 2 to Cell 3 or Cell 4. 

My research reinforced throughout the process the importance of exploring the ways a party’s power and identity, and their experience of the other party’s power and identity, influenced or changed the interests of the negotiation and the approaches to meeting those interests.  Interests can be attached heavily to certain attachments or identities, some of which may not be easily evident. Power itself sometimes becomes an interest in itself to negotiating parties, not just the means by which interests are met. The study’s theory illustrates ways in which identity and power can be either transformed or reinforced, impacting whether outcomes are flourishign or diminishing.

Both Burns, Chapman, and Guthrie’s framework as well as my own research suggest that it is really important to correctly identify what the power dynamic of the negotiation is and what interests are involved. To accurately assess power and interests, it requires humility, honesty, and a vision of sucess that extends beyond our own short term goals. Future posts will explore more of the nuances involved in unequal negotiation related to power, interests, and identity.

For consideration:

When you find yourself in the power under negotiating position, are you aware of the “cell” you are in and what options or strategies might be available to you? 

How might understanding of Cell 2 or Cell 4 help you negotiate wisely and ethically?

Where do you see hidden or heart level interests, beyond the obvious motivations related to the explicit goals, influencing your negotiations? 

In what ways do you tend to feel threatened in negotiation?  What do you regularly find yourself trying to protect?

When narrowing down my research topic, I was motivated by years of experience watching and experiencing interactions that were leader to leader, across power differences. Sometimes there was conflict. Sometimes it was just “work” and business. Sometimes it was collaboration. But these were interactions that would routinely surface experiences and behaviors that seem shame driven in some situations or that were in some way about power or identity. 

I researched leaders in the U.S. and Southeast Asia and both talked about the challenge of negotiating “up” with someone with greater power – greater ability to get their interests met in the face of resistance. Both regions have different assumptions and cultural expectations related to power, but all were mindful of how power could hinder and advance the meeting of interests. In my classes with students, it’s one of the most common questions and often carries urgency and sometimes pain with the question, “How do I negotiate when the other person has all the power?” This was standard in both contexts, but power distance was expressed very differently in each context. 

It wasn’t until later that I placed the general “category” or field of study as negotiation. Bob Burns, Tasha D. Chapman, and Donald C. Guthrie write in The Politics of Ministry of the nature of negotiation as the political interaction between leaders,

“All of life is political, since people daily use their power to negotiate their interests in relationships with other people, always with ethical implications, in order to get things done.” (pg. 17)

Their work on negotiation was a helpful framework for me as I was framing my research, especially some of the ways they seek to illustrate how negotiation shifts depending on the interests and power involved. But negotiations are happening all the time in organizations and churches and in everyday life. Sometimes they go well for both sides. Sometimes one benefits while another loses. And sometimes both lose! This is true in life as it is in leadership. But to start thinking about whether negotiation is resulting in flourishing outcomes means you have to frame negotiation in a way where ethics and impact are part of the understanding from the beginning. They expound on the essentials of negotiation by defining it as involving four unique activities.

1. People bring their own specific interests to the process.

2. People promote their interests between each other.

3. People use the power available to them to promote their interests.

4. People affect the ongoing interests and power of those involved by their actions during and after the negotiation. (pg. 27)

We’ll tackle power, interests, and all sorts of things in future posts, but definitions and basic frameworks are important to all that follows. But there are some other definitions that are helpful. One of my mentors Chip Zimmer likes to describe it generally as any discussion between parties to reach an agreement when there is either a substantive or relational goal to resolve. 

The research interviews yielded over 70 case studies in which leaders were recounting negotiations in which the power was unequal in some way and where in most cases, the interests and goals were diverse or conflicting in some way that made it a memorable case study for the participants to recount.  

The theory that emerged in the research explored the factors that shaped whether the unequal negotiations would move in a more flourishing direction or in more diminishing directions. But a theory is only useful if it can be brought to bear in real life. Here are some questions I hope to share insight about from the research in coming weeks…

How does power impact negotiation?
How does power influence access, voice, trust, and safety in unequal negotiation?
How does identity impact negotiation?
How does identity influence the power used in a negotiation and how does power influence identity?
How does power become an interest in the negotiation in its own right, not just the means to achieve interests?
How does emotional reactivity and anxiety influence choices related to power and identity in unequal negotiation?
What role does risk and the threat of loss play in unequal negotiation processes and outcomes?
How does vulnerability, humility, and the dynamics of self-preservation shape dynamics in unequal negotiation?

That’s just a taste! If any of that is of interest to you, I invite you to keep coming back or subscribe for more!