Harry Bechara

www.menstuff.com.au

Harry Bechara

www.menstuff.com.au

www.menstuff.com.au

www.menstuff.com.au

www.menstuff.com.au

www.menstuff.com.au

Could it be that women generally are more comfortable and more able to express their feelings than men?

From my experience working with both women and men, men are less likely to talk about their stuff. Even men with large networks and circles of friends find it hard to have deeper conversations about what is really going on for them in their inner world.

Men’s conversations can often tend towards the external elements in life, such as cars, sport, as well as sexual interests. However, there seems to be an invisible and hidden wall. As long as the conversation remains focussed on those ‘external’ or ‘outer’ worlds then everything is ok. There are times when it may edge closer towards the internal world. When this happens, I have often witnessed a level of discomfort that appears in the conversation fairly quickly, usually followed by a very blokey, masculine comment … with the purpose of getting the conversation ‘back on track’.

Does this mean that men aren’t able to talk about their stuff?

I don’t believe so.

I have witnessed men of different ages, nationalities, backgrounds and demographics open up and talk about their inner world (in private and also in groups) in a meaningful and engaging manner, and as a result begin to change parts of their lives.

So where is the gap? If men are able to talk about their stuff, then why don’t they?

In simple terms I believe that men don’t talk about their stuff simply because they have, in many cases, not yet learnt how to express themselves in relation to their stuff. The ongoing stereotype of men having to be ‘tough’ and ‘strong’ and ‘manly’ continues to suggest that talking about how we feel may make us lesser men. One of the consequences is that men have not learnt how to talk about their emotions and feelings.

Historically, the education and social system (and in most cases still today), has not taught men to express themselves and there has not been a ready supply of older male role models/leaders to learn real Menstuff from. This lack for some men of male mentors and emotionally-intelligent male role models means that they tend to learn about how to be men from anywhere they can, in many cases just their friends or mates – possibly novices themselves.

Because men are less likely to express their emotions and feeling, these feelings will sometimes build up inside. And, like anything that is under pressure for too longer, eventually the feelings and emotions will burst out. However, unlike a ‘conversation’ which is a way to express ourselves in a controlled and ordinary way, when the pressure builds and our stuff bursts out, it is usually in an explosion of sorts … an uncontrolled release of pressure such as anger or rage.

We all know what a trigger is. It’s associated with a weapon or the setting off of an explosion. However, there is also a concept such as an emotional trigger.

An emotional trigger is when something happens in our world that connects us with an emotional vulnerability within us. For example if someone close to you has died recently and you hear a friend talking about death it may connect you back to those feelings of loss and grief, causing those feelings to re-appear more strongly for you. Feeling loss and grief for someone who has died recently is a normal response. It’s when the emotional trigger connects us to an unresolved issue from our past that we can sometimes lose control.

When you have unexpressed emotions and feelings you usually cannot control when or how they express themselves. If you are triggered emotionally, and cause yourself to re-connect to some unresolved issues within, you can simply explode. This expression of anger can happen at any time, sometimes when it is least expected. And when it does, one can feel ‘out of control’. Often the response to the situation is an overreaction. Many men have said to me that sometimes after the ‘explosion’ they feel embarrassed, ashamed or even regretful about what happened.

And, that is completely understandable. Because usually these outbursts of emotion are not intentional. Even though we may not have meant to hurt anyone, someone else usually does affected.

Ongoing and persistent outbursts can begin to affect men’s lives in detrimental ways.

There are many ways to deal with our stuff and with our anger. You may have heard about anger management classes or anger management workshops. There are a variety of ways to begin to address the issue. You could talk to your doctor or begin to discuss it with your partner or those who are close to you.

Or, to address anger issues, you could talk to a counsellor or therapist. Talking to a counsellor or therapist about anger issues will also allow you to begin to explore what is happening for you in a confidential and non-judgemental way.

No matter what your anger is about, or how it is affecting your life, one of the first steps you can take is to talk to someone.

It’s good to talk about Menstuff.

By Harley Conyer

Menstuff

menstuff.com.au

Disclaimer: This article is meant to provide men with general information about anger, anger issues and anger management. This article should not be interpreted as a recommendation for a specific treatment plan or course of action. Before making any decisions about your health, you should consult a qualified health professional such as a counsellor, therapist or doctor.

However, times are changing: “We are living at an important and fruitful moment now, for it is clear to men that the images of adult manhood given by popular culture are worn out; a man can no longer depend on them. By the time a man is thirty-five, he knows that the images of the right man, the tough man, the true man, which he received in high school, do not work in life. Such a man is open to new visions of what a man is or could be”. (Robert Bly in Iron John)

‘Real Men’ in this century are starting to explore and integrate all aspects of themselves. They are learning that a ‘real man’ is a whole man … a man who embraces all of himself … his strengths, his weaknesses, his thoughts, his feelings, his fears and his successes.

So, is counselling and coaching for ‘real men’?

Seeking counselling or coaching does not mean that one is weak. In fact, it suggests the very opposite. It takes a strong and brave person, in a time of feeling challenged, to seek help.

And because of the confidentiality framework offered by counselling and coaching no-one else needs to know that you’re seeing a counsellor or coach. Confidentiality expressly includes not revealing to anyone else who their client’s are.

In fact, part of the confidentiality agreement that you should have with your coach or counsellor, is in relation to communication outside of the sessions. Perhaps you don’t want your counsellor or coach to leave a message on your voicemail, or to only use a particular email address. These are important elements that you can agree with them.

Professional Counselling and Coaching engagements should be conducted within a framework that is agreed between yourself and your counsellor or coach. This framework can be fluid and can take different shapes throughout your work with your coach or counsellor. It is important that you communicate any concerns that you have right from the outset, and continue to do so at any point along the way.

There are many counsellors and coaches offering services throughout Australia. They have different levels of experience, different frameworks and techniques and different types of training.

So, however you define yourself as a man, perhaps you can change the question you are asking from “is counselling and coaching for ‘real men’?” to “how do I find the right counsellor or coach for me?”.

Harley Conyer

Menstuff

menstuff.com.au

Do you?

What sort of man cave do you have/would you like to have? What do you do in your man cave. What would you like to do if you had a man cave? Are there any particular ideas that you have, either fixed or flexible, about what a man cave should be? Perhaps you think man caves are an out-of-date concept in our 21st Century.

If you have a man cave, have you thought about the qualities of your cave? What is it about your man cave that you enjoy? What does it offer you? What aspects of yourself feel more empowered or more alive when you’re in your cave, compared to other parts of your life? How important is your man cave to you own sense of wellbeing, to your own sense of self, to your own sense of manhood?

Perhaps you’re unclear what exactly a man cave is? I was wondering about the best way to describe a man cave and then I discovered that the concept is clearly defined on Wikipedia. For some reason I was initially surprised to find it there … I’m not sure why. But it’s such an important concept, especially in today’s society, that it makes perfect sense that it is a clearly defined and articulated part of a collection of ideas and information that represents so much of our world today.

So how does Wikipedia define a man cave?

“A man cave, sometimes a mantuary or manspace, is a male sanctuary, such as a specially equipped garage, spare bedroom, media room, den, or basement. It is not a cave but rather a metaphor describing a room inside the house, such as the basement or garage or attic or office, or outside the house such as a wood shed or tool room, where “guys can do as they please” without fear of upsetting any female sensibility about house decor or design. Paula Aymer of Tufts University calls it the “last bastion of masculinity”.

While a wife often has substantial authority over a whole house in terms of design and decoration, she generally has no say about what gets “mounted on the walls” of a man’s personal space. Since it is generally “accepted that women have the rest of the house to decorate, including the closets,” a man cave or man space is in some sense a reaction to feminine domestic power. While the term man cave has connotations of retreating to a more primitive primal place, the term man space has been used which doesn’t have the negative connotations.”

It’s interesting that the definition of a man cave is essentially contrasted with the feminine. In fact, it’s about a place that is entirely masculine, where the feminine has now power, no authority and no influence. This is not surprising, given that for many years in many societies in history the woman’s domain was the home, while the man had his own domain the work … the hunter .. the protector. How much has really changed?

If you are in a relationship, have you ever considered who holds the masculine energy in the relationship. Who is the decision maker? Who holds the power? As men we contain both masculine and feminine energy. The question is do you have the time, place and opportunity to explore your masculinity, your manhood? Is there any part of your life where your masculinity can fully express itself? What would/does your fully expressed manhood look like or feel like? What impact would/does it have on those around you?

A man cave can be a place, such as a shed or a garage or a basement. Or it could be an activity. Do you get together with a bunch of mates on a Sunday evening and play poker on a regular basis? Do you have a local club where you are known and you feel like you belong with other men? Are you part of a sports team of men?

Psychologically it’s an understood fact that parts of ourselves which can’t find expression in healthy way will often resort to expressing themselves in unhealthy ways – sometimes in ways that make us feel ‘out of control’. Our manhood is not different. It is important that, as men, we find regular and healthy ways in our lives for our masculinity to fully express itself … especially if it is truly the “last bastion of masculinity”.

Sometimes you may feel that your partner may not be supportive of your man cave. Perhaps they’ve even expressed this directly to you. However, part of expressing your manhood is about standing strong and firm for something that you believe in. And healthy femininity usually understands this too.

When our masculinity is fully expressed as one important part of our psyche, in a balanced and healthy way, it can often lead to us being more present in the other parts of our lives. When we feel more content about who we are and our manhood we can often be better partners, better fathers, better sons, better men.

What kind of man are you? What kind of man do you want to be?

Feel free to post your thoughts …

© Harley Conyer.

Menstuff

menstuff.com.au

You may well ask why this matters. It matters because in today’s digital age many of us are being influenced in our choices and tastes in ways that were unimaginable even only a decade ago.

Let’s take our sexuality for example.

The most searched item on the Internet is porn. MindGeek has over 100 million daily visitors to its vast porn empire. It controls almost all the all of the free tube sites including Pornhub, YouPorn and Redtube as well as an increasing number of production companies.

With this many people watching so much porn we are only now beginning to see the social impact of the exponential growth of online pornography.

For a whole generation of young men pornography is distorting their sexuality. Recent research suggests that the teenage brain is more susceptible to the effects of porn due to the effects of the neurotransmitter dopamine that is central in our drive for reward and pleasure. Not only does this neurotransmitter create a craving but also in order to reach the same highs we need to see more shocking and stimulating material leading to content that is becoming increasingly violent, dehumanising and exploitative.

Excessive porn use can lead to concentration problems, low motivation, depression, social anxiety and erectile dysfunction.

That is why more than ever we have to take a stance and ‘know thyself’. By raising our awareness to the effects of porn use on our sexuality we can see the harm it is doing to our relationships and ourselves.

Let’s begin a conversation.

By Douglas Channing

www.menstuff.com.au