You’ve put yourself out there and tried talking to new people.

You’ve smiled, listened, and were interested.

But you’re still not getting the response you want. You’re not quite feeling the connection.

I mean, maybe you do alright talking sometimes, but then someone else enters the conversation and immediately has everyone’s attention. It seems they effortlessly have charm and wit and confidence.

It can make you feel worthless.

You might think, “what’s the point?” Because it seems others are so much more effective than you socially. And that you’ll never compare.

Are you just doing something wrong?

Well, maybe.

But it’s likely not what you think.

There’s a simple fix though if you are, and anyone can do it.

Get Realistic About Improving Socially

I find many people have an unrealistic mindset about becoming charming and confident.

They feel it should be easy.

Even instant.

And I don’t know, maybe that’s because of marketing. There’s so many bogus promises of overnight results.

I think another part of it is, being social is such a basic human function. Belonging and being liked is close to food and shelter on our hierarchy of needs.

It’s a pretty basic desire.

So it feels like our social ability should come natural and effortlessly.

But that’s not how it works.

Social skills are a skill like any other; they take time to develop.

People who are great socially today are only that way because they’ve been practicing their skills all along. Since they were kids even.

So you need to KILL the mindset you should be able to instantly be as charming and outgoing as others. Before it kills your confidence and motivation to improve.

Push Forward Despite Feeling Discouraged

The secret is to keep trying even though it feels you’re failing.

It’s about persistence. And the great thing about that is, anyone can be persistent.

Even you.

But you must to decide to work from where you are.

Those other people who are so great socially, they’ve had completely different life circumstances than you. It’s not realistic to compare yourself to them.

Comparing yourself to others like that only discourages you.

Besides, just because someone else may be better than you socially, that doesn’t mean you can’t also do well.

What I’m trying to say is, just because someone else is more successful than you or better socially, that doesn’t mean you can’t also succeed socially.

It doesn’t mean you’re worthless.

That’s bad logic. It doesn’t follow at all.

People will still like you for who you are even if they also like someone else more outgoing. Because they’re going to like you for completely different reasons than those other people.

This is otherwise known as the abundance mentality. There’s plenty of love and acceptance to go around in the world.

Decide To Stick It Out Till You Improve

Besides the skills of others intimidating you, you might just get discouraged in general. Because you’ll feel like you have so far to go and you’ll never get there.

You’ll have this ideal in your head of the social rockstar you want to be, but your abilities won’t match up to that at first.

You just have to remind yourself, you get there bit by bit.

In the beginning, the things you’re working on and maybe not doing so hot at, even those failures serve as stepping stones. You’ll learn from those mistakes in ways you aren’t even aware.

And as you keep pushing forward, your level of skill and understanding will keep rising.

So remember to push through even though you get discouraged.

Everyone experiences this feeling of “I just can’t do it.” No matter what they’re trying to achieve in life.

The people who succeed are the ones who keep going despite their self-doubts.

In fact, here’s a relevant quote from Vernon Howard. It’s one of my favorites and it sits on my desk where I can see it every day.

It goes like this:

“Do not be impatient with your seemingly slow progress. Do not try to run faster than you presently can. If you are studying, reflecting and trying, you are making progress whether you are aware of it or not. A traveler walking the road in the darkness of night is still going forward. Someday, some way, everything will break open, like the natural unfolding of a rosebud.”

Don’t give up.

If you keep trying, you will eventually improve.

Because the only way to truly fail, is to quit.

(“Grunge Warning Sign – Do Not Read This Sign” (also here) by Nicolas Raymond is licensed under CC by 2.0)

Like, you get stuck in chit chat mode and just talk those trivial topics to death.

To the point where things start to feel stale…and maybe you’re looking for an exit.

(And you worry they are too.)

Don’t you wish you could make the vibe more exciting? More interesting? So maybe things could move to a deeper level with this person?

Well, a great way amp up interactions and bond with someone new is to introduce emotion into the conversation.

And a slick way to do that is noticing and commenting on “emotional hot buttons.” But you have to be observant to make use of them.

So in today’s article, I’ll give you an example of this technique in action.

Then I’ll explain how you can use it.

A Bond Forged in the Men’s Bathroom

You may or may not know I DJ. Mostly weddings with the occasional club thrown in here and there.

Well, at one wedding, I had an “issue” with the brother of the groom.

He kept badgering me to play some hard-core rap music for his brother.

The thing is, the bride’s family was very conservative and asked me to keep it clean. Needless to say, the groom’s brother wasn’t happy.

After the gig was over, I went to the men’s bathroom. And who should be there but the groom’s brother…

“You!”

He said it like I was his life-long nemesis. (Wheaton!!!)

Well, fortunately he understood why I couldn’t play his song requests. So we began talking about where we were from.

When I asked him, this was his response:

“Well, I’m out in Houston because I’ve been working so much there it’s crazy. But I’m really trying to get back here.”

At that point he turned the conversation back to me, but I could tell there was something more there…

There was slight pain in his eyes. He sort of shuffled his feet and diverted eye contact when he had mentioned it.

Plus, there’s just a story in there somewhere isn’t there?

I mean, why was he working so hard?

Why was he really trying to get back here?

What had happened?

So after talking a bit more, I casually asked:

“You mentioned you’re out in Houston, but you want to be back here. What are you doing in Houston?”

That opened the flood gates.

He began describing how he did construction work and all his business was in Houston. But his wife and young son were in Baton Rouge.

Of course he wanted to be with them, but he needed to pay the bills. Working with his hands was all he knew and he wasn’t sure he could do anything else.

From there we talked about all kinds of things:

• What’s necessary to do in life sometimes
• What’s really important in life
• Even our future dreams and goals

We really connected on some core values, and it all happened in about 15 minutes. (And yes we DID eventually move out of the men’s bathroom…)

How To Notice and Use Emotional Hot Buttons

Life can be so repetitive and well, boring sometimes.

We get into our daily routines and the only emotion we experience is by watching TV or reading a book.

In addition, because so many people lack strong relationships, they don’t often discuss the emotions dominating their thoughts.

So when you give someone the opportunity to discuss something bothering them or that they’re excited about, you stand out.

You’re linked to the relief and/or joy they feel on releasing that emotion.

Now, it can sometimes be awkward to be “too emotional too soon,” but this is different. It’s different because it’s something they bring up.

The brother of the groom answered my question in the way he did because deep down, he wanted me to dig deeper.

He wanted to talk about it.

He may not have done this consciously, but emotions have a way of slipping out like that.

So how do you know?

How can you notice an emotional hot button when it surfaces and use it to have awesome conversations?

Well, my personality type lends me a gift of empathy. I usually have an intuition of when people are revealing subtle emotional clues.

But if you’re not naturally empathetic, here are some signs that might clue you in on their emotional hot buttons:

• There seems to be more of a “story” behind something they say
• They seem more excited or agitated
• They mention the same subject several times
• They have a slight change in tone of voice
• They switch their eye contact to look away from you OR to look right at you
• They start fidgeting by shuffling feet or wringing hands
• They start talking faster OR slower than before
• They start gesturing more with their hands

Hot Buttons Are Not Always So Obvious

The thing is, you may hear the term “hot buttons” and think the cues would be obvious.

Not necessarily.

It can be hard to spot.

So one way to start practicing your empathy is to observe your current friends and family. You know these people and what they’re passionate about. So bring up their passion and notice the subtle ways their communication changes.

This will help you subconsciously notice “hot button” cues AND give you practice being more empathetic.

Once you notice a possible hot button, you simply probe lightly. Ask them a question about it and see what happens.

In the end, we’re all yearning to feel something…

Whether that’s joy or excitement or the relief of knowing someone else understands.

By being more aware of the emotional hot buttons from people you meet, you can be that emotional outlet for them.

And you can bet that will make you stand out and seem more interesting in their eyes.

(“Elevator Button” by Michael Schubart is licensed under CC by 2.0)

Maybe you like World of Warcraft?

Or you’re into Legos?

Do you like anime or science fiction or rare insects?

Or maybe it’s some other hobby or interest that isn’t so mainstream…

Is there a way to be completely honest about these “weird” passions of ours without people thinking less of us?

Because I won’t lie…

Sometimes people can quickly stereotype you in a negative category in their mind. And it can be hard to break out of that category.

So here’s a couple tips to prevent that from happening while still being your full beautifully-weird self.

Acknowledge Your Tastes Are a Bit “Out There” or Different

We’re all weird in our own ways. That’s what makes this world such an interesting place.

For example, I’m a geek. I’m into science fiction, science proper, technology and more.

• I can’t wait for the Oculus Rift or No Man’s Sky, or Star Citizen.
• I love Star Trek, Star Wars, Star Gate and Firefly (which, even tho it doesn’t include the word “star” is the best of all!).
• I understand why the Higgs Boson is a big deal and I think Solar Freaking Roadways would be crazy cool if it ever works out.

But here’s something else I know…

I know many people stereotype nerds and geeks negatively.

So when I bring up geeky topics around some people, I fully admit, “Hey I know this is geeky, but I’m a big nerd and I love this type of stuff…”

In other words, I wear my geekiness as a badge of honor. Then I introduce whatever topic I want to discuss.

This does two things…

1. It shows I have social intelligence. It shows I understand the fact many people view geeky stuff in a negative light. And showing I have social intelligence goes against the negative stereotype of being geeky or different than the norm (whatever the heck that is…).
2. It displays courage and confidence. Because admitting I know many people look down on the topic, but then talking about it anyway, shows I don’t care if they think poorly of me. Again, that’s a quality not associated with the stereotype of a geek.

So that’s the first step: Show social intelligence by acknowledging you realize you’re a little weird. And that you’re totally okay with it.

Because being unapologetic about who you are is seductive.

Start With Feelings And Passions Instead Of Details

If you’re into a certain video game for example and the other person isn’t into games at all, they aren’t going to understand the fine details.

In fact, starting with details will likely alienate you more.

I mean imagine if you were talking to a doctor and you weren’t in that profession. They started using medical jargon and talking about the specifics of surgery and such…

You’d be lost and the conversation wouldn’t much be interesting to you.

Yet on the other hand, if that doctor were to reveal why he enjoys being a surgeon, how it makes him happy to feel he’s saving lives. That would be compelling.

Because it’s about passions and motivations and those are things we can all relate to.

That’s how you engage people in a topic they don’t know much about or don’t understand.

Then if they show interest in the topic, you might go into more detail.

But even if they don’t, at least you’ve let them see a glimpse of who you really are. And like I mentioned above, that’s crucial to being happy and making true friends.

So just keep those two steps in mind if you’re into some offbeat hobbies or interests. Acknowledge it’s different or little known but bring it up anyway, then start with why you’re into it instead of facts and details.

“Sell-Out” Just a Little Bit

You may want to get involved in other activities and subjects that are a bit more mainstream.

Topics you have some interest in that many others are also likely to be interested in. Because it just gives you more to talk about with people.

Maybe that’s a sport or travel or popular TV shows.

Now don’t get into something just because it’s mainstream. Only do it if you genuinely have at least some interest in it.

But the point of this is to give you stuff to connect on with a wider variety of people. I mean, I don’t beat people over the head with my geeky-ness 24-7.

That would be self-centered.

I also don’t necessarily lead off with it.

No, we talk about plenty of other stuff too which helps them see there’s more to me than my geeky side. So even if they think Big Bang Theory is stupid, they might still see us getting along as friends.

So get your weird on.

It’s part of what makes you beautiful and unique.

And if you’d like to develop the conversation skills and genuine confidence that most lead to you being more liked, click here to sign up for my free conversation and confidence newsletter.

(“Weird Thing 2 (Coisa estranha 2)” by Thalita Carvalho is licensed under CC by 2.0)

Maybe you speak up in a group but no one pays attention. Then someone interrupts over you and instantly has the spotlight.

Or it seems everyone is always speaking over each other; their ideas get noticed but when you try…nothing.

Plenty of my readers have mentioned this problem. And in the TED talk titled “How to Speak So People Want to Listen,” Julian Treasure gives great tips to stop being ignored. Julian is an expert on sound and speech so he’s someone to listen to in this area.

I’ve included the talk below and summarized his main points. But I’ve also included insights of my own on ways to be heard and respected in more casual settings.

4 Top Tips to Get People Listening To You

So I agree with everything Julian Treasure said in his talk and I’ve included his main points below.

But from my experience, here are a few pointers on being heard and respected more relevant to everyday casual chat.

1. Increase Your Eye Contact

Good eye contact engages others. Think about that tingle you feel when you make eye contact with someone. Others feel that too. That’s human connection. You’re sensing the presence of another human being. When you don’t make regular eye contact, others don’t feel that “tingle” from you. In my experience, this is a major reason people get ignored.

2. Raise Your Level of Confidence

If you feel deep down what you have to say isn’t interesting or important, that will change how you interact with others. It affects your voice tone and volume. Your face gives off “micro-expressions” you can’t control, but others subconsciously notice. All in all, this causes people to discount what you say as unimportant. In other words, when YOU believe you’ll say boring stuff, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. If you want help on becoming more confident, sign up for my newsletter here.

3. Improve Your Voice Tone And Volume

Your vocal qualities are greatly influenced by your confidence and level of shyness. But you can work to improve them individually. So a lot of what Treasure said in his talk is useful for that. I’ve found having more volume and a slower pace (but not drawl-ish) are the most important qualities to focus on first. Because others often stereotype speaking quietly and quickly as low-value cues.

4. Be Mindful The Expectation Of Others

If you’ve long been the quiet person in a certain group, it’s likely they’ve gotten into a habit of ignoring you. So even if you start being more assertive, they might still pay you little attention. If this is the case, I often advise people to try branching out into other groups and being assertive there. The new group often responds better from the start. Then, the confidence this builds often work wonders when you come back to that original group later.

Julian Treasure’s Main Points To Speak And Be Heard

So Treasure focuses more on speaking for special occasions like a job interview or a wedding speech. But his ideas can still help us in any social situation.

Here are some of his main points from the talk.

7 Deadly Sins Of Speaking

1. Gossip – Speaking ill of someone who’s not present. People disregard gossipers because they worry later, they’ll be gossiping about them.
2. Judging – It’s hard to listen to someone if you know you’re being judged and found wanting.
3. Negativity – We all have our bad days but no one will keep listening to constant cynicism.
4. Complaining – This is another form of negativity and again, constantly complaining just pushes others away.
5. Excuses – People don’t respect those who won’t take responsibility for their own lives.
6. Exaggeration – Too many tall tales can cause others to roll their eyes and tune you out.
7. Dogmatism – When someone insists their ideas are the only way things can be, that kills debate AND the patience of others.

4 Cornerstones of Powerful Speech

Use the acronym HAIL:

• H for Honesty – Not necessarily absolute honesty as in “You look horrible today dear.” But honesty tempered by love (below).
• A for Authenticity – “Standing in your own truth.”
• I for Integrity – Be your word. Do what you say and live up to your own ideals.
• L for Love – Not romantic love, but simply wishing people well.

Spice Up Your Vocals

It’s not just what you say but how you say it.

• Register – People associate vocal depth with power and authority. Try speaking “from your chest.”
• Timber – The way your voice “feels.” Warm like hot chocolate is good.
• Prosody – Don’t be monotone. Have some variation in your tone of voice.
• Pace – Not too fast and not too slow. But DO change pace at times.
• Silence – There’s nothing wrong with a bit of silence. Pepper it in to keep people engaged.
• Pitch – Put emphasis on important words and points.
• Volume – You need to be loud enough but also try being quiet to bring people in.

All great points but as I mentioned above, one of the best ways to stop being ignored is to build genuine confidence. Because it prompts others to respect you even if you aren’t super successful, attractive or charming.

(“As seen on Halsted Mt” by Leah Jones is licensed under CC by 2.0)

• Maybe you notice them looking everywhere but at you
• Maybe their tone of voice screams “I’d rather be anywhere else right now”
• Maybe they fall asleep on the front of a ship while you’re discussing the cosmos

What?

Just me?

Right…

But are you really boring people in your conversations or just imagining it? How can you tell? And how can you be more engaging and interesting instead?

Here are 7 unexpected boredom-inducing warning signs to look out for in YOUR conversations. If you’re doing one or more of these, it’s very likely people are leaving chats with you wishing they could have those minutes of their life back.

1. Your Life Isn’t Interesting

One reason you may bore others is you aren’t excited about YOUR life.

Are you actively pursuing hobbies, goals and dreams that interest you and give you passion? Or do you go home every day after school or work to play video games, watch TV or surf the web?

Don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to always say interesting things or impress others. But sharing new experiences and passions with people spices up the relationship. Plus, the more you experience in life, the more you’ll be able to relate with others.

So figure out what you’re interested in. Figure out your passions. Then start living them.

2. You Over Think What to Say Next

Do you often try to say the “right thing?” Maybe you worry about offending people or saying something embarrassing?

Look, we all have this hang up to a certain degree, but it’s easy to take too far.

It’s easy to develop a subconscious filter that keeps telling you, “don’t say that, it’s not good enough.” So guess what, you don’t say it. OR you think up 20 different ways to say something before the phrase leaves your mouth.

The result is you end up being quiet, stuffy and boring.

The truth is, you need to lower the bar of what comes out of your mouth. Try more to say what comes to mind first in conversations. This leads to more energetic and spontaneous chats.

3. You’re Cynical and Negative Much of the Time

I’m not going to tell you to be bubbly and positive all the time. Everyone has their worries and frustrations. People who act like they’re always in a good mood make me want to vomit.

On the other hand, if you’re reliably negative and cynical, who the hell wants to be around that? That gets old just as fast.

So if you pride yourself on your “realistic” don’t-get-your-hopes-up view on life, don’t. It’s nothing to be proud of.

Instead,  find something to laugh about every day. Do something nice for someone from time to time. Begin to break up that dark cloud.

4. You’re Always Polite, Nice and Proper

Nice guys (and gals) finish last.

At least in the social sense, this is often the case. Because well, it’s boring.

If you’re ALWAYS following “proper social etiquette” and doing what’s expected, you seem less interesting.

Spice it up a bit:

• Be challenging and tease people in a fun joking way
• Curse sometimes if you’re comfortable with it and it’s not totally inappropriate
• Reveal something slightly embarrassing about yourself

I’m not suggesting you be a jerk. But often, shy and socially insecure people try to be “perfect” socially so no one has a reason to criticize them. Yet by acting so bland and predictable, they also achieve the opposite. They don’t give people a reason to notice them.

5. You Talk Too Much or Too Little About Yourself

You’ve probably been assaulted before by the motor mouth who won’t shut up. You know that gets boring so if you’re doing that, stop. Try to listen more.

But the opposite is just as bad for turning people off.

If you don’t reveal anything about yourself, others don’t get to know you. If they don’t get to know you, they won’t form a true connection with you. They might think you’re nice and all, but a deeper friendship just won’t seem interesting.

Bottom line: Let people know who you are. If you don’t, they’ll soon get bored with the relationship and with you.

6. You Lack Good Eye Contact

Eye contact is a huge social stimulant. It emotionally engages the other person on a primal level.

So if you lack eye contact, your interactions are less stimulating (i.e. boring). Which means others discount the interaction and they discount you. In the end, this leads to you getting ignored a lot more.

Not only that, if you lack good eye contact people assume you aren’t really interested in the interaction. So to save their pride, they won’t invest in the interaction either.

7. The Other Person Actually Tells You You’re Boring

For the next month or so, assume the ONLY reliable sign you’re boring is if someone tells you so to your face.

Here’s why…

It’s often dangerous to read too much into the actions of others, especially for shy or socially insecure people.

They often assume every “bad” outcome in an interaction is their fault.

• Bob excuses himself from a chat with you so you think you’re boring
• Rachel’s eyes dart around the room as you talk so you think she can’t wait to leave
• A group pays more attention to Evan than to you so you think you just can’t compare

These could be signs that one or more of the above warning signs are holding you back. But often they’re not.

• Maybe Bob just saw a friend he hasn’t met in years and excuses himself to go talk
• Maybe Rachel is expecting her roommate to arrive soon so she’s keeping an eye out
• Maybe Evan just has a greater rapport with the group than you for now

So often, our negative (unrealistic) beliefs about ourselves cause us to create meanings that just aren’t true. In other words, you believe you are boring so your mind finds “evidence” of this even when it doesn’t exist.

Instead, try assuming you are interesting. Then push through the negative signs you think you’re getting from others. Unless they tell you, “this is boring” and walk away, stick in there longer than you normally would.

Many times, you’ll find the other person IS happy to be talking with you. It was just your imagination making things seem worse than they are.

We all want to be interesting so people respect and like us.

But being interesting isn’t always about being wild, zany or “on-cue” funny.

Being interesting is often about being REAL. In my experience, following the tips above is a great start to becoming authentically interesting.

So that not only will people pay more attention to you…they’ll want to stick around for the long haul too.

(image courtesy of Mike Haw via Flickr)

I wasn’t popular in high school and starting fresh with new people was hard. I remember how impossible it seemed to impress strangers enough on campus to be liked and make friends.

Luckily, I had a friend in my roommate. He had his issues with shyness too. But for some reason we suffered through our social isolation separately, even though we lived in the same apartment. We just didn’t talk about it much.

Each too ashamed I guess.

Eventually, I got fed up being ignored socially and started looking for ways to impress strangers and “be liked” by them. And I was sort of successful. I got to the point where I could stand out more and make a good first impression.

This was nice, but for years I still felt cursed. Because even though I could make a good first impression, I was seldom able to turn that into deeper friendships. It’s like I was stuck in acquaintance mode with everyone I met. There was always someone else they connected with more than me.

What I eventually discovered is, I wasn’t doing the ONE thing most important to form friendships.

Are you missing out on friendships too by neglecting this one critical element?

Make More TRUE Friends by NOT Trying

I believe many of us look at making friends in the complete opposite way we should.

I know I did.

I used to think I needed to impress people and get them to like me to turn them into a friend. In practice, this usually drives people away. It seems like you’re trying too hard.

But still, many of us try to put on a good show, right?

We hide our flaws and weaknesses and fears. We try to seem perfect so others will want to be our friends. The truth is, it’s those very flaws, weaknesses and fears which often create the deepest connection to others.

The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too.
– Brene Brown

Think how much more my roommate and I could have connected in college if we had discussed our pain on not fitting in.

How Vulnerability Helps You Connect: Insights from 10 Years of Research

There’s an amazing TED talk by Brene Brown you need to watch. I’ve included it below. Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston who spent ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame.

In this brief talk, she explains clearly the importance of being vulnerable and honest.

How to Use Vulnerability to Make Genuine New Friends

Quite simply, work to express more who you truly are to more people in your life.

Notice I didn’t just say, “be yourself.” Why? Because it’s crap advice, that’s why.

As you saw in Brown’s TED talk, she struggled for quite a while to be more authentic. That’s why you need to work at being yourself. You need to put consistent effort into being more authentic every day.

• Maybe this means you discover more of your opinions, feelings, preferences
• Maybe it means you find the courage to express these things more to others
• Maybe it means you try LESS to say the “right” thing or make a great impression

You’ll still make an impression, don’t worry. But it will be a genuine impression, not a contrived one.

And it’s through being authentic like this, vulnerable like this, that you truly connect with others. They see that you struggle sometimes just like them. They see you’re being REAL.

That’s something people respect much more than you putting on a show to seem “cool.”

And if you AREN’T like them, then no, they might not become your friend. So what? There’s plenty other people in the world. You’ll connect more deeply with those who share important commonalities with you.

Besides, by trying to fit in with all groups, you make it less likely you’ll fit in with any.

“Vulnerability is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous.”
– Brene Brown

So consider some ways you can be more authentic in your life. Even by a small amount. Then give it a try. You’ll discover the truth…that not everyone will accept you “as you are.”

But many will, warts and all.

Those are the friendships you’re really looking for.

How to Build New Genuine Friendships, Step by Step

I’m currently putting the best of my knowledge and experience on making new friends into a step by step easy to follow guide. It will be a blueprint even introverted and/or quiet people can use to form genuine connections with new people.

But it’s not finished yet.

If you’d like updates on the progress of the guide and when it will be available, just enter your name and email below.

(Image courtesy of Ernst Moeksis via Flickr)

1. How do you talk to someone you don’t know?
2. How do you build your confidence, other than practicing talking (because sometimes you don’t have time, or you’ve tried and failed enough)

These are two questions I get asked often. So I’ve included my response below in the hopes it might help you too.

My Response

Hey XXXX,

So a couple of big questions here. I’ll do my best to give you some good suggestions here in this short email.

The short answer to your first question is really confidence. Once you are more confident in yourself and your social abilities, you can more easily go up and talk to people you don’t know.

There’s always this debate of “what do I say?” when talking to a stranger. But really, if you have more confidence, you can say almost anything and it will work.

• Because the other person will sense the confidence in your voice.
• They’ll sense it in your body language.
• They’ll sense it radiating from you in ways you can’t fake.

This will put them at ease a bit and they’ll be more accepting which will make it easier to engage them. Now you can fake some of this a little. You can focus on better eye contact and posture, etc. But ultimately, you really need to be confident.

How to Build Confidence

The ONLY way I’ve found to truly build confidence is by DOING the thing you lack confidence in. So yes that means, if you lack confidence talking to people, you HAVE to talk to more people to gain confidence.

I know that sounds like a catch 22, but there is a way to do it.

It’s nothing revolutionary.

You do it by taking baby steps. This also addresses your concerns of not having time and failing.

There are likely people around you on a daily basis you can practice on who also don’t intimidate you too much. For example, you can practice basic conversation skills on your:

• coworkers
• family
• current friends
• the checkout clerk at the coffee shop
• etc

The point is, you practice basic skills in settings where you are already around people. This way, you aren’t spending any more time on it than you normally would throughout your day. Also, since you’re around these people (mentioned above) on a more normal basis, you’re likely going to be less intimidated.

There will be less worry about failing.

By doing things this way, when you DO see a stranger you’d like to talk to, you’ll have more practice under your belt. You’ll be just that much LESS intimidated because of all the social “weight-lifting” you’ve been doing elsewhere. So you’ll be more likely to try talking to that person than otherwise.

And of course, that serves as practice too, right?

The Smart Way to Practice

When I wanted to get better at all this, I did just what I described above. I started practicing basic conversation skills with my current friends, family, coworkers, etc.

Seeing how (consciously) good I could be in conversation in those settings gave me a confidence boost. I also began to see how bad many other people’s conversation skills are. That boosted my confidence more.

Then I moved up to talking to more and more intimidating strangers. Sure, I sucked at times and felt a bit embarrassed. But I was ABLE to step out and try because of the practice I had done before which built up my confidence.

What shocked me in those situations was that sometimes when talking to a stranger, I’d do AMAZING! It’s like I just knew what to say and how to say it. It wasn’t stuff I’d rehearsed saying in advance or anything…it just flowed out of me.

What I’ve discovered is, when you start to build your confidence, you worry less in social situations. When you worry less, your brain is more free to spontaneously come up with stuff to say in conversations. So really, building confidence through experience is the KEY.

So that’s a bit of a long winded answer. If you’d like to hear more on this concept, I actually wrote a post on Pick the Brain titled: Are You Messing Up the Simple X+Y=Z Formula For Building Confidence?

Hope this helps!

Sincerely,

Dean

What Are Your Questions

So I hope that response also helps you. If you have questions or want even more advice on building confidence, overcoming shyness, and improving conversation skills, you can sign up for my free newsletter by clicking here.

You can also leave questions and comments below.

(Photo courtesy of Tom Hart via Flickr)

It can seem so arrogant of them right? Like they’re asking just so they can judge you.

After all…

• You may not like what you do for a living
• You may be between jobs
• You may have a job that isn’t all that lucrative or ‘impressive”

It can be a touchy subject. So it’d be great if people would just get the memo and stop asking that question altogether.

But the truth is, they won’t.

So how do you make the most of it?

Is there a way to answer that gets people off your back about your job status while keeping the interaction light and positive?

I believe there is and I’ll show you how I did it in this post.

Why People Will Always Ask What Do You Do

We may wish this question would go away, but it won’t. There are several reasons for this:

1. It’s just a habit burned into most people (because they’ve been asked so much and don’t know how else to start conversations)
2. It’s a way for others to “place us” in the socioeconomic status hierarchy. This will always happen because humans are a social species and we want to see how we “compare” to others.
3. What we do for a living is an “accepted” way of finding out a lot about us. Since we spend so much time at our jobs, it does define us to a certain extent.

My point is, wishing the question would go away or trying to find ways to avoid it are pointless. People will always ask this question.

If you’re hoping they won’t, you’ll only be caught off guard again. You’ll feel awkward trying to answer.

Instead, I’ve found it’s best to be prepared with an answer. I don’t recommend rehearsing much in advance of conversations. But in this case I make an exception.

What I Did When I Was Jobless…and Living with My Mom

When I finally stopped working on cruise ships as a social host and decided to stay home, I had a long transition period. I didn’t have a house or apartment because ship contracts lasted six months. So I stayed with my mom while looking for a job and a place to live.

The process took a lot longer than I expected.

So during that period, when people would ask me the question, “what do you do,” it was a touchy freaking subject. There was shame wrapped up in that question for me.

So when I tried to explain my situation, I was embarrassed and awkward. The people I talked to picked up on that nervousness and became nervous in return.

And just saying I didn’t have a job or that I didn’t want to discuss it made things awkward too.

Eventually I got a couple of crappy jobs I didn’t like and the problem was the same. I was working, but felt little pride in it. So again, I was embarrassed to admit what I did for a living.

First You Need to Change the Story

I’ll reveal what I did below, but first if you’re in a similar situation, you need to deal with those feelings of shame and embarrassment.

If you’re out of a job currently or in a job you don’t like, then you need to be “OK” with that before you’ll feel comfortable explaining it to others.

So ask yourself, how does your current situation fit into your overall goals. For example, if you’re out of a job right now, what are you doing to fix that situation?

• Are you looking but just not finding anything yet?
• Are you taking the time to build another skill or opportunity?

If you are in a job you don’t like, what’s the overall plan?

• Are you learning something in this crappy job that will help you later?
• Does some aspect of the job help you achieve your goals?
• What are you doing to change your situation to something more desirable?

You see, when you look at your situation in a constructive light like this, you take the shame out of it. You see that your current situation is temporary and part of a larger success story. Basically this is what you tell others when they ask what you do.

“Well, I’m currently between jobs, but I’ve been searching. I’m looking for something in I.T.”

“To be honest with you, I don’t like my job, haha. Nice people there but I’m studying to be a nurse actually.”

“Well, I have a couple of ‘pay the bills’ jobs for now. They give me free time to work on my true passion which is business.”

There is no shame in any of these answers. Because they all show you’re working toward something that will make you happy. Plus, everyone has adversity in their life. Most will sympathize with you and it will likely cause bonding, not disgust.

Sure, some jerks might be snooty and think down on you. Screw them. Those aren’t the type of people you want to associate with anyway.

Now you might be thinking:

“But I don’t have a job and I’m NOT really looking for something else.

OR

“I DON’T have plans to get out of my crappy job.”

Why not?

This is the only life you have. Why would you spend longer than you have to in a situation you don’t like?

Look, part of a healthy self esteem is taking responsibility for your life. If you’re not taking control and doing what you can to improve your situation, then it makes sense to feel shame.

But if you ARE doing what you can, that’s admirable. That’s sexy. That means you’re now part of the human struggle to better yourself and your life.

There’s no shame in that.

Second: Mention What You Do But Focus on Your Passion

So like I said, I finally got two crappy jobs. One was bartending (ok…not so crappy. But it was for catered events so it didn’t pay well). The other was fundraising (also didn’t pay well).

But I knew I wanted to become an entrepreneur eventually and the bartending gig would give me more practice in people skills. I knew the fundraising job would give me marketing skills.

But honestly, I didn’t want to talk about those two jobs at all. So when people asked me what I did for a living back then, I said this:

“Well, I have a couple of ‘pay the bills’ jobs, but my real passion is to be an entrepreneur. Eventually, I’d love to be my own boss. ”

What this did was hint I didn’t want to talk about my “real” job. My passion was business and that’s what I’d rather talk about.

And if YOU do this, most times it will work fine. The person will get the hint and ask about your “passion.”

Other times they press on about your “crappy” jobs. Either because they’re bad conversationalists or just conditioned to super sleuth your “paying job.”

When that happened to me, I answered. I told them about my other jobs and how they supported my entrepreneurship goals. And it was the truth, they did. But I now felt comfortable talking about it because I first changed the story in my own mind.

Then I asked about their passions or “what they like to do” and usually the conversation started on a more compelling path for both of us.

So if the above technique of focusing on your passion doesn’t work, you’ll now be prepared to talk comfortably about your “paying” jobs. You’ll be able to mention proudly how it fits into your life and plans even though it’s not ideal right now.

Summary

So to recap here’s the process:

1. Change the story in your own mind. Look at your current situation in a positive yet realistic light. How is it just one step toward something better for you?
2. Focus on your passion instead of your job title. When people inevitably ask you what you do, mention your job briefly but put the focus on your passion. Create this one or two line answer in advance so you aren’t caught off guard. I gave my example above. If they still seem intent on talking about your paying job, talk about it in terms of how it relates to your passion and overall plans.
3. Ask them about their passions and what they like to do to keep the interaction going in a positive direction.

Now I realize I only covered a small amount of possibilities here in this post. So if you have any other questions about this particular topic, please ask in the comments section below. I’ll answer any questions there.

(images courtesy of mickyc82 and TRF_Mr_Hyde via Flickr)

Many crave the ability to talk to the “cool” people in places like bars, clubs or on the street. But unfortunately, talking to those people in those places feels impossible.

“Popular people” are generally more “picky” and dismissive in those types of “cold” social settings. And the fact rejection seems more likely to you makes these the hardest places to engage strangers if you aren’t already confident and skilled socially.

Well, if you’ve read any of my articles before, you know I advocate practicing your conversation skills repeatedly. This grows your skills AND confidence so you gradually expand your comfort zone.

But how can you practice in places like bars when it’s so hard to even start talking to people there?

Well, what if it could be easy, even for just one night out of the year? What if there was a way for even insecure people to easily start conversations in these intimidating yet alluring places?

Make Conversation Practice Easy by Going Out on Halloween

In my experience, Halloween is one of the best nights of the year for a socially insecure person to socialize in a bar. Yes I’ll admit, saying it’s 13 times easier is just in the spirit of the season. But I DO know from experience starting conversation is exponentially easier on Halloween.

Because on Halloween, talking to people you don’t know in places like bars and clubs is expected. In other words, you have the perfect conversation starter built into the event.

 “Aw, that costume is awesome!”

OR

“Whoa…ok. I give up. What IS your costume?”

Some variation on the above two lines is the conversation starter everyone engages in all night long. Not only is it expected, people WANT you to comment on their costume.

It also works great when you recognize what someone’s costume is and compliment them on it. This works even better if they’re an obscure character, like say Starswirl the Bearded ;)

That’s High-5 worthy right there!

Why Halloween Makes Starting Conversations Easier

Basically, Halloween makes the normal “cold” social setting of bars and clubs more “warm.” It gives everyone there something in common to talk about. Plus, because of the nature of the holiday, most people are in a playful, positive, and open mood.

This makes the starting a conversation part of things less anxiety provoking.

After you make a comment on their costume, continuing the conversation is also easier.

• Maybe you talk about fond memories you have related to their costume/character
• Maybe you ask why they chose the costume, then talk about your costume a bit
• Maybe you discuss other costumes you’ve each seen people wearing that night

Throughout all of this chatting, it’s likely free information about them will come out. You can use this to continue the conversation in a different direction. Just remember, the above examples are only to show you that simple topics CAN work.

But my advice is to stray away from rehearsing what you will say or creating pre-planned material.

Remember, you’re working at moving through a conversation in the moment, NOT at performing a script you planned in advance. In most cases, pre-planning what you’re going to say only makes you MORE nervous and you end up sounding awkward.

3 Tips to Talk to MORE People with LESS Anxiety This Halloween

1. Practice at YOUR Skill Level

If you try to push too far past your current comfort zone, you’ll make yourself overly anxious. All that does is cause you to freeze up and not talk to new people. Instead, take baby steps. That’s the key to stop being shy.

So if you normally have trouble starting conversations with strangers, make JUST THAT your goal. Start say, 5 conversations during the night. Just comment on people’s costumes in a positive manner and get their response. That’s it. If you’ve done that, consider the night a success.

On the other hand, if starting a conversation like this isn’t that big a deal for you, aim a bit highter. See if you can keep the conversation going for a few minutes after you start.

The point is to push yourself out of your comfort zone, but not too far. That way you’ll still see success without feeling overwhelmed.

2. Wear an Awesome Costume

The benefit of wearing a good costume is others will stop YOU to talk about it. This gives you more “stranger practice” without having to approach as many people.

Now you can either buy a good costume OR put time and effort into making a clever one. The second is my favorite way to go. You don’t have to spend a lot of money on it either. You can often use stuff you have laying around the house.

“That’s a fact jack!”

For example, one of my recent Halloween costumes was a “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Nose.” Since it was funny and clever, I had people coming up to me all night asking about it.

So if you’re extra creative, make your costume unique or even obscure. For those who “get it,” you’ll create a strong connection. For those who don’t, they’re more likely to stop you and ask because they want to know what the hell you are.

3. Wear a Mask

Philip Zimbardo, a famous shyness researcher, describes how his younger brother overcame shyness with a paper bag. By wearing the bag over his head to elementary school, the boy gradually became more and more outgoing. The anonymity of the paper bag made him bold enough to act in ways he normally wouldn’t. Eventually he was able to be outgoing without hiding behind the bag.

You can use the same concept on Halloween with a mask. It can be a small Zorro type mask or a full face mask. Go to the Halloween store and test which makes you feel more liberated.

The point is, spending Halloween behind a mask is an opportunity to jump past your normal limitations. Even if it only helps you be bold and confident for one night, you’ll see what it feels like. You’ll see what’s possible.

Have an Intention to Practice, NOT to “Be Liked”

The most important tip to remember is this: The night IS NOT about trying to get people to like you or making friends. If those things happen then fine. That’s just icing on the cake. But again, it’s not what you’re trying to achieve. Because having that mindset will make you more anxious and needy.

No, your goal is just to practice being more social by commenting on costumes and perhaps seeing how long you can keep the interaction going. That’s it, that’s all.

Don’t get me wrong…your anxiety will still be there. But the barriers to connecting in the bar setting will be much lower than normal. It’s just too good a practice opportunity to miss.

And remember, if you’d like more tips on how to do well socially, sign up for my free Conversation Tips Newsletter. In it, you’ll get exclusive tips on how to be more outgoing and confident as well as blog updates and news on my upcoming Friendship Blueprint E-book.

(Photos courtesy of Rob Boudon & JD Harvill)

He figured out a lot about the human condition before modern psychology (or modern anything for that matter.) Some of his ideas still permeate our modern culture in areas like marketing and the science of persuasion.

In fact, I was watching a video the other day (included below) about his 3 means of persuasion. His argument was, to influence people efficiently, you must include all three of these elements.

What I realized is the three elements also apply to make friends. They serve as a handy guide to get past many sticking points in the friendship building process.

The Three Means of Persuasion from Aristotle’s Rhetoric

 
So the three elements of Aristotle’s influence are:

1. Logos
2. Ethos
3. Pathos

Let’s look at each individually and how it applies to making friends.

1. Logos

Aristotle describes Logos as the logic of an argument. It’s the part of the argument that “makes sense” and it answers the question “why.” In other words, why someone should do what you’re asking them to do.

The Logos of friendship building is more related to why it makes sense to be talking to each other. Why it makes sense to meet up again sometime for a coffee or event.

Some examples of this are:

• You share a common interest or hobby
• You look at the world in a similar way
• You both deeply believe in conservation, family, independence or some other value
• You just feel a vibe with each other you can’t explain…and that’s enough

If you find the two of you share something in common like this, you can use it to deepen the connection and suggest further get-togethers.

Again, because it just makes sense to keep talking and moving forward if two people have something in common.

If you can’t find something to connect on…no big deal, right? The two of you just don’t have much in common and that happens. You can’t expect all conversations you start to be spectacular or turn into a friendship. That’s just setting yourself up for disappointment.

2. Ethos

If you’re trying to convince people of something, they’ll want to know why they should listen to you. Maybe it’s because you have some letters after your name like “PhD.” Or perhaps it’s the results you’ve achieved in life.

When making friends, Ethos relates more to how people perceive you and your social value. It’s not so much the content of who you are, but the vibe you give off.

• You seem confident and relaxed, not nervous or awkward
• You have friends around who like you (this is called social proof and it makes you seem higher value)
• You have other things going on in your life so you don’t seem needy or clingy
• You look clean and well-groomed, not sloppy or dressed like a bum

Now you may be asking, “What if I DON’T have other friends to hang out with? What if I’m NOT confident and I DO come off as needy?”

The obvious answer is you gradually get past these things. You become more confident and less nervous socially by gradually being more social. Maybe you start with people who don’t intimidate you so much and work your way up.

I’ve found the best path is to start where you are and do what you can.

• Can you look up and brainstorm a different (yet still true to you) look and attire?
• Can you stay well groomed?
• Can you get involved with hobbies and passions that interest you outside of making new friends?

These actions are indirectly related to being more successful making friends, but they make a BIG difference over time.

3. Pathos

This is the emotional connection of an argument. It’s often the stories of a persuasive message that will convince people to your point of view. Something great sales people understand is: Emotion is what convinces people to buy, while logic is what keeps them from changing their mind.

In being friendly, I’ve found Pathos is most closely related to self-disclosure. People bond and grow emotionally attached because they get to know each other. So that means over time, you share with someone:

• How you prefer cats to dogs
• Why you feel many old movies are better than modern movies
• Your dream to travel to Thailand because you value variety in life
• How you lay awake at night worrying if you’re in the right career

As you can see, some of this information is more personal. Of course it makes sense to save these types of deeper disclosures till later in a friendship. A good rule of thumb is to progress from less personal to more personal over the course of a conversation and a relationship.

Just remember, sharing personal details on who you are is crucial. Without this, the other person won’t get to know you and won’t grow very close to you either.

Viewing Aristotle’s 3 means of persuasion like this is just a simple way to change your perspective on making friends. It’s a handy shorthand reminder of best practices.

But I’m in the process of writing an ebook that details the entire friendship building process, step by step. If you’d like updates on how the book is coming and it’s release date, enter your name and email below.

(Video and image courtesy of TEDEd and Conor Neill)