when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’

Joke: I miss the old times

I remember when my grandmother gave me 5 Euros to buy myself something.

I came back with 3 snickers, a bottle of coke, a lot of icecream and some Comics.

But now? Securitycameras everywhere man.

Joke: Another little Timmy joke

Little Timmy is at home, waiting for his grandparents to come for Thanksgiving.

He's really bored, so he decides to go scare his mother. He sneaks into her bathroom and yells 'BOO'. Lipstick smears across her face as she jumps and she screams 'SHIT'.

Timmy looks at his mom and asks 'Mommy, what's shit?'

'Uhh, shit is makeup!'

'Ok mommy!'

Since scaring his mom was so fun, he decides to scare his dad. He sneaks to the kitchen and yells 'BOO'. Blood spatters as his dad's kitchen knife cuts his finger.

'FUCK!'

'Daddy, what's fuck?'

'Uhh,' His father looked around and saw the half carved turkey 'fuck is.. cutting!'

'Ok daddy'.

Dingdongdingdong. The grandparents are here. Timmy answers the door and says "Hello grandma and grandpa! Mommy's in the bathroom rubbing shit all over her face and daddy's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!'

This is in response to [this joke](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1b0sts/little_timmy_woke_up_one_morning_desperate_to_pee/). I said I'd post the version I heard, so here it is…

Joke: A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital…

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

Grandpa…why is there a suppository in your ear?

Oh… THAT's where my hearing aid went!

What did 50 cent say to his grandma when he saw her knitting?

"Gee U Knit!"

The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.

A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.

The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."

The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."

The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."

Old man sitting on his porch

When three young men walk by carrying chicken wire. Curious, the old man asks "where are you boys going with that chicken wire?" The young men reply "we're going to catch some chickens!" The old man smiles, remembering his young and foolish years, and shakes his head. A couple hours later, the same young men walk by carrying three chickens! Astonished, the old man says "I'll be damned!"

The next day, while sitting on his porch the old man sees the same young men walk by carrying duct tape. The old man asks "where are you boys going with that duct tape?" To which the young men reply "going to catch some ducks!" The old man smiles, remembering his young and foolish years, and shakes his head. A few hours later, the young men walk by carrying three ducks! Astonished once again the old man exclaims "I'll be damned!"

The following day the old man sees those same young men walking by his house carrying pussy willows. The old man smiles, remembering his young and foolish years and says "I'll grab my hat!"

Not sure if this deserves nsfw so I will just be safe:)

A man threw milk at an old woman before…

I said how dairy

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course…

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00 HAMBURGER: $10.00 CHEESEBURGER: $15.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50 HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"

The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

Your generation relies too much on technology.

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

During the Dark Ages, the Pope decrees that he is going to expel all of the…

Jews out of Europe…

…naturally, the Jews aren't very happy with this. Jewish people all over Europe start protesting in the streets, demanding that the Pope change his mind and let the Jewish people stay. Since the protests and riots are starting to get a bit chaotic and violent, the Pope creates a proposition. He will be visiting Rome in a few days, and he will choose a Jewish person in the city to have a silent debate with. If the Jew wins the debate, they can stay. If he doesn't, they leave.

So the Pope arrives in Rome and meets an old janitor named Abraham Luzzato, an old man with a very long beard and a skullcap, clearly Jewish.

Now, the Jewish community is convinced that Abraham Luzzato is the absolute *worst* person the Pope could have picked for this silent debate, as Abraham was kind of an idiot. He could barely read, he was vulgar, and when he wasn't working he spent most of his time eating. They are convinced that they are goners.

The next day, the Pope invites Abraham to a stage right in the heart of the Vatican, where thousands of people come to watch the debate that will change the world. The Pope explains to Abraham that the silent debate will last no more than five minutes, they are allowed to use props, and he who says even one word will be automatically disqualified, even the Pope himself. Abraham states that he understands the rules, and they begin.

The Pope raises his hand in the air and waves. Abraham then furrows his brow and sharply points to the ground. The Pope raises his eyebrows, and looks a little surprised.

The Pope then holds up three fingers. Abraham then flips the Pope off.

The people of the Vatican are shocked and the guards start marching towards Abraham, but the Pope gestures to them to stay back. He actually looks even more impressed than he was before.

The Pope then holds up a bottle of wine and a loaf of bread. Abraham, however, pulls out an apple from his pocket.

The Pope then grins from ear to ear and tears stream down his face. He proclaims that the Jews are allowed to stay in Europe as long as he lives. This baffles almost everyone in Europe.

That night, the cardinals and archbishops in the Vatican ask the Pope what on Earth Abraham said in order to bring the Pope to tears. The Pope smiles, then states,

"That man is by far the most enlightened man I know. When I first raised my hand and waved in the air, I was saying that the Lord our God is in Heaven, looking down upon mankind and watching everything humans do. However, the man pointed to the ground, reminding me that the Lord our God is omnipresent and is here with mankind and with nature at all times, never turning his back on the world.

"When I held up three fingers, I used it to represent the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. However, the man reminded me that despite the Holy Trinity, there is still only one God, and He alone is the creator of everything, and He alone deserves our love and worship.

"When I retrieved some bread and wine, I used it to represent the body and blood of Jesus Christ, Our Savior, and that through His salvation, we are saved. However, he pulled out an apple, to mean original sin, and that even though Jesus Christ, Our Savior died for our sins, mankind is still sinful. Therefore, we still need the divine teachings of the Lord our God, and we still need His love and His forgiveness.

"Truly, my brothers, if a humble Jewish janitor from Rome can know the Lord our God that well, surely they all must have the same knowledge."

Meanwhile, in Rome, the Jews are swarming Abraham, wondering how the hell did he not only bring the Pope to tears, but convinced him that the Jews should stay in Europe, despite flipping him off! Abraham takes a bite out of an apple and shrugs.

"That guy was a wacko. First he waves goodbye to me like a smug little shit, mocking me and saying that I have to get out of Europe. I told him that no, I'm staying right here. He then told me I had three days to leave. I told him he could go fuck himself. Then he pulled out his lunch, so I pulled out mine."

THE AGING EXPLORER

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then — just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

3 Nuns at the Pearly Gates (very mildly NSFW)

3 nuns are in a bus in Colombia, which due to budget cuts breaks it's axle, rolls over, and kills them all. When they come to, they realize that the three of them are in a cloud-filled place standing in front of an elderly man at a dais, behind whom are enormous, gold-plated gates, which at the moment are closed.

The man says to them "Welcome, my friends, to the Pearly Gates. My names is Peter, and I am the gatekeeper".

The nuns, thinking that they have devoted their lives to the service of God, are relieved to find out that this is where they are. As they step forward, Peter says "you three have been such devoted servants of the lord that we will all rejoice to have you in heaven… given that you can answer one question each."

The nuns are, understandably, taken aback. Peter asks, "So, who would like to go first?"

Two of the nuns step back, leaving the third standing in front.

Peter asks "So, my friend, what is the name of the first man?"

The nun doesn't even have to think… "That's an easy one – Adam". The bells ring, the angels sing, and the first of the three is welcomed to heaven.

At this, the 2nd nun steps forward, having a bit more confidence. Peter asks… "What is the name of the first woman?" The nun answers, without hesitation "That's an easy one – Eve". The bells ring, the angels sing, and she too is admitted to eternal glory.

Finally, the last nun is at this point relieved that the questions seem to be such trivial pieces of knowledge to those so pious as them, so she steps forward. Peter asks… "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam".

The last nun then quakes a bit as she realizes that this question, unlike the others, isn't quite as trivial. She bites on her lip as she says "Oooh… that's a hard one…"

The bells ring, the angels sing, and the last nun enters the realm of eternal glory as well.

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his…

old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

The post Joke: Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink… appeared first on DailyLaughs.com.

#WorkHumor #OfficeLife #humor

The post Me when my coworker says good morning… appeared first on DailyLaughs.com.

not moving at all. She thought it might be dead, but since it was a basset hound and never moved much anyway, she wanted to be sure… after all, she didn't want to bury it and then find out it wasn't dead. So she took it to the vet. The vet agreed to take a look. He shook the dog gently. He checked for a doggy pulse, but couldn't find one. He held a mirror up to the dog's nose but it stayed clear. He said, "Well, the dog does look dead, but I'd like to run one more test." He goes into the other room and brings back an animal carrier. He opens the door and a cat comes out, walks around the dog two or three times, and finally lifts it's head and tail and goes back into the carrier. Vet says, "Well, ma'am, I'm sorry to say but your dog is dead." "Well, that's what I came here to find out," she says, "How much do I owe you?" "That'll be $520." "What?" she screams, "$520 to tell me my dog's dead? Why so much?" "Well," said the vet, "it's $20 for the office visit, and $500 for the cat scan."

Joke: An Arab man was walking really quickly through an airport because he was about…

to miss his flight. Along the way the security yelled "wait wait!" Because he passed a checkpoint without stopping

He turned around briefly and yelled "60KG!"and then ran off to catch his plane.

Joke: My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone.

So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievable sexy sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered to me: "We should have sex while my sister isn't home." I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I find my girlfriend standing by the door, she hugged me and said: "You've just won my trust honey!"

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Joke: Stupid Blonde Jokes

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe." Edit: I see thr move on upvotes, a heard of blondes come and downvote it:D

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many…

girls want me

She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening

Midnight Petrograd… A night watch spots a shadow trying to sneak by. "Stop!…

Who goes there? Documents!" The frightened person chaotically shuffles through his pockets and drops a paper. A soldier picks it up and reads slowly, with difficulty: "U.ri.ne A.na.ly.sis"… "Hmm… a foreigner, sounds like…" "A spy, looks like…. Let's shoot him on the spot!" Then reads further: "'Proteins: none, Sugars: none, Fats: none…' You are free to go, proletarian comrade! Long live the World revolution!"

A plane crashed on the border of two countries…

and everyone dies except the pilot. Where you do you bury the survivors?

Six feet under a cesspit, till you can no longer hear his screams.

whats the deal with reddit, and puns?

It should be called 'punnit'.

Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate and Expert.

Novice Users – People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users – People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users – People who press the keys that break other people's computers.

One day, a depressed crocodile decides to see his doctor about his problems…

He says, "Doc, I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I don't feel like killing people anymore. I don't like attacking them, I don't like wrestling them in the water, and I definitely don't like eating them." The doctor goes over to his medicine cabinet, and pulls out several tiny blue pills. In amazement, the crocodile asks his doctor, "Doc, are those what I think they are?" The doctor replies, "Yes, I'm prescribing you some Viagra." Frustrated, the crocodile tells his doctor, "I'm not sure you understand — have you been listening to a word I've said?" The doctor replies, "Of course I've been listening, you said you had a reptile dysfunction!"

I said, I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is. He said…

You have to love Easter, baby.

Every year I got an accident by passing the road on 1st April

Cause, I thought that Traffic signal try to make me April fool.

What did the homeless man get for christmas?

very hungry

God calls in an Albanian, a Grecian, and a Serbian for a quick reckoning.

God has realized that things aren't going so well in the general vicinity of the Balkans so he calls up an Albanian, a Grecian, and a Serbian to convince them to change their ways. First he calls in the Grecian and says to them, "Your people have become so lazy in recent years! You're ruining everything I gave you! If you don't clean up your act, I'm going to push this here button and rain judgment on all of you." The Grecian runs out crying and afraid for the future of their people. The Serbian is called in and God says, "Your people have been really aggressive and racist in recent years! You're ruining everything I gave you! If you don't clean up your act, I'm going to push this here button and rain judgment on all of you." The Serbian runs out fuming and angered about the future of their people. The Albanian is finally called in and God says, "Your people are such thieves! You're stealing everything I gave to everyone else! If you don't clean up your act, I'm going to push this here button and rain judgment on all of you." The Albanian comes out smiling and the Grecian and Serbian ask them, "Didn't God say he would rain judgment on your people? Why are you smiling?" To which the Albanian replies, "Yeah of course he did! But don't tell anyone that I've stolen his button."

TIL that NPR posted a Iink "Why doesn't America read anymore?" to their…

facebook page; the Iink Ied to an April Fool's message saying that many people comment on a story without ever reading the articIe & asking not to comment if you read the Iink; people commented immediately on how they do read

asking not to comment if you read the Iink

A Brit and an Indian walk down the streets of Brussels.

All of a sudden, a large German military plane passes overhead. The Brit says "Holy cow, what was that!" The Indian flops down on his hands and knees. "Where's the holy cow?"

How do you generate a random string?

Put a Windows user in front of Vim and tell them to exit.

What's the difference between a male and female chocolate Easter bunny?

About a quarter inch of chocolate

A blonde walks into a library

She goes up to the librarian at the counter and says,

"Hello, can I get one cheese burger with a side of fries?"

The librarian, with a confused look, responds, "Sorry but this is a library."

The blonde pauses for a few seconds. She then whispers,

*"Can I get one cheese burger with a side of fries please?"*

Q. Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve?

A. They have herd immunity

The post Jokes: A woman went out to her yard one morning and found her dog just laying… appeared first on DailyLaughs.com.

to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

Joke: I'm the kind of person that likes to be honest on April Fools

April fools!

Joke: At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line…

waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared.

“Don’t you want to sit on the bunny’s lap?” I asked.

“No!” he shouted. “There’s a man in his mouth!”

Joke: A bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola (Russian Joke)

A man comes to the shop:
– Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.
Half an hour later he comes again:
– Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.
An hour later he comes again:
– Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of… of Sprite. It seems Coca-cola makes me sick!

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise…

won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so."I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister."I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

You are a Siamese Twin.

Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay.

You are not.

He has a date coming over tonight.

You only have one ass.

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill…

and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

How do you make a chocolate omelette?

With Easter Eggs!

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class…

and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous – yes. The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar – effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed."Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, and your children – Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car.The sand is everything else. The small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. "Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

Viagra Joke

An elderly man calls his doctor with a problem, "Doc, I'm having problems throughout the night. My legs are restless, I toss in my sleep, and I keep waking up on the floor!"

The doctor thinks for minute and says, "Okay, I think I'm gonna prescribe you some Viagra."

The old man says, "You know I'm not having problems with that, how is that going to help."

The doc says, "It's going to keep you from rolling out of be at night."

Why Did The Black Guy Crossed The Road?

because… chicken.lel

Where does the snowman hide his money?

In the snow bank.

I just don't understand kids. My kid says he wants to play heavy metal…

So why's he so mad at me?

I bought him one of the best tubas money can buy!

Stolen Jacket!

A nice guy was walking down the street when suddently he got his 300$ jacket stolen. After several time looking for the thief he saw his jacket on a hanger inside a crowed barber house. As he walked in he asked: *"Who does this jacket belongs to?"* A man answered: *"It's mine".* The guy asks:* "Where did you get it?"* The man answered: *"I fucked a random guy's ass and stole his jacket. Why, is that yours?"* The guy: *No no, I was just wondering"*

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends how hard you throw them!

Ever wonder how the seven dwarves got their names?

Miss Snow White was a randy cow,

And desperate for a fuck.

So off she went into the woods,

To try and get some luck!

She'd almost given up looking,

When she saw some chimney smoke.

Then stumbled on a cottage,

And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.

And she'd just removed her pants,

When seven Dwarves came marching in,

With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,

And thought she was in heaven!

Originally after one good shag,

But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,

"My fanny need a lick!"

And when one dwarf moved forward,

She said "Oi-you'd better drop you pick!"

So down he went onto all fours,

And said "I ain't licking that!"

"Not there, that me arse-hole,

You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,

"Do we have to do it here?"

Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL!

Unless you're fucking queer!"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,

To prove he was no fool.

And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho"

As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling,

'Cos he hadn't had a sniff.

And due to his impatience,

He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",

So he did as he was told.

And as soon as he was hard enough,

He shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow job,

And she took him in quite easy.

But she just avoided brain-damage,

Whe he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said,

"You're next, I want your knob!"

But no sooner had he entered her,

Than he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY idiot"

She wanted more from him.

And he woke with such excitement,

That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,

And shagged her fanny raw.

And dazed Snow White then whimpered,

"That should be against the law!"

He made poor Snow White tremble,

He was so big and thick.

"No wonder you're so HAPPY,

With that fucking great big dick."

With one dwarf still remaining,

But feeling rather sore,

She said "You'll have to use your tongue,

My clit can't take no more.!"

And so he put his tongue to work,

Where others had put their cocks.

And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,

She named the last one DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,

With all that cum inside her quim,

So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,

And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarves,

And how they got their names,

By satisfying miss Snow White,

And joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,

And that's what happened to that cup?

Well think of what you're drinking…

When you next buy 7-UP!

-DISCLAIMER-

As much as I'd love to say I wrote this, I didn't.

Someone sent this masterpiece to me and I'm just passing it along.

If the original author is out there, let me thank you for this!

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?

A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Q. How many days in a week? A. 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.

Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees? A. There is not enough time to get everything done.

Q. Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? A. The term comes with a 10% discount.

Q. Why do retirees count pennies? A. They are the only ones who have the time.

Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Q. What do retirees call a long lunch? A. Normal.

Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

And, my very favorite….

Q. What do you do all week? A. Monday through Friday, NOTHING….. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

Photons don't have mass.

Does that mean that the light of God doesn't go to church?

What did Santa give the blind, autistic, paraplegic kid with down syndrome for…

Christmas?

Cancer.

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I did this today.

It was self-checkout, but still, it’s a nice thing to do.

The post The next time you shop, ask your cashier… appeared first on DailyLaughs.com.

The challenge

The symbols are assigned as follows:

• Horse = X
• Horseshoe = Y
• Boots = Z

The equations provided are:

• 3X = 30
• 10 + Y + Y = 18
• 4 − 2Z = 2

The final expression to evaluate is:

Z + X × Y = ?

How to check the pattern

From the first equation, 3X = 30, so X = 10.

Using that in the second equation, 10 + Y + Y = 18, which becomes 10 + 2Y = 18. Subtract 10 to get 2Y = 8, so Y = 4.

From the third equation, 4 − 2Z = 2. Subtract 4 from both sides to get −2Z = −2, which gives Z = 1.

With those values, the final expression is evaluated using order of operations:

Z + X × Y = 1 + 10 × 4 = 1 + 40 = 41.

The solution

Based on the equations shown, the consistent result is 41.

The article text also states that the final result is 21, but that does not match the displayed equations and substitutions. Since X = 10, Y = 4, and Z = 1 lead directly to 41, the written claim of 21 is inconsistent with the math provided.

The post This horse puzzle looks easy until you spot the detail that matters appeared first on DailyLaughs.com.

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again. They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load until suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor. The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door. The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door, "You can't leave that lyin' 'ere!" The man replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

Joke: A weightlifter has a hole-in-one and buys everyone drinks after the round.

The bartender brings him the bill for the drinks and asks him, “Credit card or cash?” The weightlifter replies, “Neither. Put the tab on my barbell.”

Joke: John Wick kills them with a pencil.

A fucking pencil.

Joke: 3 days ago I got a pass-code lock that takes a picture whenever someone enters…

the wrong code in my phone.

So far I have 26 pictures of drunk me.

A drunk man goes to a bar and asks the Bartender " How tall is a Penguin"?

To which bartender replies "hmm, 2 feet" Man: Don't they get any taller? Bartender: 3 ft at most, no taller than that. Why? Man: Shit, in that case i just drove over a nun.

In the land of Cheerios there is a cast system…

At the top there are the king and queen Cheerios, next come the noble Cheerios, then the night Cheerios who are responsible for law enforcement in the land, then come the peasant Cheerios who are somewhat oppressed but work hard and get by, and then there are the gangster Cheerios who break the rules and steal from other hard working Cheerios. Some gangster Cheerios however were born into the gangster Cheerios cast, and want nothing more than to live an honest life, unfortunately, everyone, even the peasant Cheerios look down on them. One day, a young gangster cheerio who wanted to escape his cast, decided he wanted a friend who was not a gangster cheerio to hang out with. So he went to the peasant Cheerios, and knocked on the door. A peasant cheerio answered, and said "hello gangster cheerio, how can I help you?" The gangster cheerio responded "hi peasant cheerio, I was wondering if you wanted to be friends with me" the peasant cheerio said "look, I'm sorry gangster cheerio, but if the knight Cheerios found out that I was friends with a gangster cheerio, they would have me locked up." The gangster cheerio responds "that's okay, I understand" and walks home, a little put out.

The next day, he wakes up, puts on his brave face, and goes out into the country in search of a knight cheerio. He sees one a little ways off and goes over to talk to him. Excuse me, knight cheerio? I was wondering if you wanted tone friends with me" he said in a hopeful voice. The knight cheerio turned around, looked him up and down, and, with his nose in the air, said "Gangster cheerio, I should really arrest you right now, but I'll let you off easy, get out of my line of sight, and I won't have to cuff you." So gangster cheerio walked on home, a little dejected.

The next day, gangster cheerio decided to venture up to the nobles mansion, he hiked up to the front doors, and looked at how fancy it all was, then he wrong the bell. A nobleman cheerio answered, took one look at the gangster cheerio, and slammed the door in his face. Gangster cheerio went home really depressed that night.

The next day gangster cheerio was nervous, today was when he would visit the king, and this was his last chance to make a friend. He trekked on up to the royal palace, and knocked on the door. He was shown in and asked to wait in the sitting room. A few moments later, the king cheerio entered the room. "King cheerio" said the gangster cheerio "will you be friends with me?" "Of course I'll be friends with you" responded the king cheerio. The gangster cheerio was elated. "So" said the king cheerio "what do you want to do now that we are friends, we could either go to the circus, or go to the fair" "I would like to go to the circus" said the gangster cheerio. The king pulls out his iPhone and checks four square. "Well" he says "there are a thousand people at the circus, but only dive hundred at the fair" Alright then, let's go to the fair" says the gangster cheerio So they went to the fair and decide they want to go on a ride, there is a roller coaster and a Ferris wheel. "Do you want to go on the roller coaster, or the Ferris wheel?" Asks the king "I would like to go on the Ferris wheel" says the gangster cheerio So the king checks four square "There are four hundred people in line at the Ferris wheel, but only two hundred in line at the roller coaster" he says "Alright then, let's do the roller coaster" says the gangster cheerio They ride the roller coaster, get off, and decide they are kind of hungry. There are two kinds of food available, hamburgers, and hot diggitty-dogs [do not ask me why they are called that, they just are]. "Do you want hamburgers or hot diggitty-dogs?" Asks the king "I would like hamburgers" says the gangster cheerio The king checks four square, and says "There are twenty people in line for hamburgers, but only ten in line for hot diggitty-dogs" "Alright then, let's get hot diggitty-dogs" says the gangster cheerio They finish their hot diggitty-dogs, and realize they are thirsty. There is root beer and punch available. "Do you want root beer or punch!" Asks the king "I would like root beer" says the gangster cheerio So the king pulls out his phone, checks four square and sees that there are five people in line for the root beer, But there's no punch line!

A polar bear walks into a bar

…bartender says "Hey buddy, what'll ya have?" The polar bear says "Well, I'll just have a… hmm… uh… I'll have a beer." The bartender says "Sure thing, but why the large pause?"

"Can i have a cup of coffee please?"

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks Can I help you sir?". The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?". The bartender sais "That would be $2.60". "Alright, i'll have one." sais the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.

The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.

A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill. The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.

Irishman and a Texan

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”.

The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

A guy dies and goes to Hell.

He's extremely upset upon finding out where he's going, but Satan says, "Hey! Hey! Don't worry about it! Actually we get a lot of bad press. Really, it's not so bad. For example, do you like to drink?"

"Well, yeah," says the man.

"Great! You're going to love Mondays! All we do is drink. Every kind of liquor. Beer, wine, rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, champagne, all the best stuff. It's all free, and you can drink as much as you want, and you get all buzzed but you never get sick and you never get a hangover, because you're already dead!"

"Wow! Cool!" says the fellow, who's a little bit happier.

"Do you like to eat?" says Satan.

"Well, of course," says the man.

"Well, you're going to love Tuesdays. On Tuesdays all we do is gorge ourselves. There's a huge buffet, of all the best kinds of food – turkey, venison, caviar, salmon, — and let's not even talk about the desserts! And you never get overstuffed, and you never get fat, because you're already dead!"

"Is that ever great!" says the man.

"Oh, it gets better! Do you like to gamble?" says Satan.

"Well, I've been to a few casinos in my time…" says the man.

"Well, you're going to love Wednesdays! All we do is gamble. Roulette, poker, blackjack, baccarat, horse racing, everything, and you never run out of money!"

"Holy cow!" says the man.

"That's nothing! Do you like to take drugs?"

"Sure!" says the man.

"Well, you're going to love Thursdays! All we do is do drugs, all day. The best bud you've ever had, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, crystal meth, anything you want, and you never have a bad trip, and you never get addicted, because hey, you're dead!"

"Wow!" says the guy, who's completely enthused.

"That's not the end of it!" says the Devil. "Are you gay?"

"What?" says the man. "No, I'm not gay."

The devil's face falls. "Well then, you're not gonna like Fridays."

A blind man walks into a bar…

then a table, then finally a chair.

After sitting down, Jupiter says, "I'm the biggest planet…

give me the biggest beer you have."

Saturn says, "I'm the best looking planet, give me the fanciest drink you have."

Pluto says, "I know I'm not a planet, but give me a shot!

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire…on her house

The ASPCA raids your kitchen. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it. You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it. Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado. You fish in your above-ground pool… and catch something. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Two guys and a girl walk into a bar

The next guy ducks ba-dum-tss

Thankfully no one was hurt

A man and a woman get in a terrible car wreck.

Both of their vehicles were completely destroyed, but fortunately, no one was hurt.

Thankful, the woman says to the man in a flirting tone,

"We're both okay, we should celebrate."

So the woman gets a bottle of wine out of the trunk of the smashed car, and hands it to the man with a smile.

The man almost forgetting about the accident takes a really big drink, and hands the bottle to the woman.

The woman closes the bottle and put it away.

The man asks,

"Aren't you going to take a drink?"

And the woman replies,

"No, I'll celebrate after the cops leave."

The post Joke: Drunk Giraffe… appeared first on DailyLaughs.com.

into the sky, then pulled off one of Saturn's rings and said, "Yep! Perfect fit."

Joke: Yo momma so fat that when she sits around the house…

she dosen't just sit around the house, she sits around the whole neighborhood.

Joke: Yo' momma so fat that you gotta be Clifford the Big Red Dog to hit it…

doggystyle!

Joke: Your mom's so fat, I have to take a bus a train and a cab just to get on her…

good side.

Yo Mama so poor….. I saw her walking down the street kicking a can…

I asked her what she was doing and she said "moving".

Yo mama's so fat, she couldn't cross the road in time…

…so she went to the "other side".

Yo momma joke

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."

Yo mama's so fat

Her nose can't even run

Came up with this myself and was quite proud

Yo momma is so fat and hairy, that if she dyed her hair green…

people would use her for golf practice.

Another yo momma joke

Yo momma so fat she emits more gravity waves than colliding black holes

when she has sexual relations with an animal, it's not beastiality…

it's animal cruelty.

Yo mama so POOR I saw her crying by the 25 cent machine…

and asked her what's wrong. She said, 'The machine won't take my food stamps!'

Yo Momma so poor she found a ciagarette on the ground and said, "Honey…

we got a fire tonight!"

Yo mamma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.

Yo mamma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

Yo mamma so old she ran track with dinosaurs.

Yo mamma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.

Yo mamma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

Yo momma's breath is so stank, that they consider it a weapon of mass…

destruction.

The post Joke: Yo momma is so fat she wanted to go shopping for a new belt so she… appeared first on DailyLaughs.com.

The post Nothing like a good cup of coffee to start your day off right appeared first on DailyLaughs.com.

..Apparently "I Know" wasn't the right answer.

Joke: USA Today: We're Dead

The Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets As World Ends

Microsoft Systems Journal: Apple Loses Market Share

Sports Illustrated: Game Over

Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour

Readers Digest: Bye

Discover Magazine: How Will The Extinction Of All Life As We Know It Affect The Way We View The Cosmos?

Tv Guide: Death And Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar!

Lady's Home Journal: Lose 10 lbs By Judgment Day With Our New "Armageddon" Diet!

Inc. Magazine: Ten Ways You Can Profit From The Apocalypse

Joke: What kind of fuel does the king use in his castle?

He always uses one of the noble gases.

Joke: Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated…

old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe a mistook him for John. She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.'Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, 'Hell no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle. 'The old lady fainted.

Three men walk up to the pearly gates of heaven (long read)

Three men walk up to the pearly gates of heaven, St. peter is there to greet them. He tells the three men that heaven is a bit crowded at the moment and he can only let one of them go through right now.

To be fair he tells the guys that “whoever has died the most unusual death can go ahead but the other two will have to wait. And tell them that the first to die can go first.

The first guy walks up and tells St. Peter: I worked the same job and lived in the same 4oth floor apartment for the past 10 years, I would take lunch at 12pm every day and go home to eat with my wife, today I decided to surprise my wife and come home early for lunch, I walk in the door and she is standing there butt naked with a look of shock on her face. I knew in my heart that she was cheating on me, so I began going through the apartment, looking everywhere for this S.O.B she was sleeping with, as I was looking in the living room I heard someone screaming out on the patio, I open the door and there is a man hanging off the ledge, I was in such a rage I kicked his hands and watched him fall 39 floors to his death. I swear he was still moving so I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen outside and pushed it over the patio’s railing. It was such a strain on me I had a heart attack and died, and I still don’t know if I killed him.

“okay” said St. Peter “go stand over there, and let the next person who died come up”

The second guy walks up and tells St. Peter: Well I just moved into my new 41st floor apartment and had today off so I thought I would do some unpacking, I was setting up my patio and not watching what I was doing and back into the railing and fell over, I was lucky enough to grab hold of the rails on the patio below and was screaming for help, when the guy came out, took one look at me and kicked my hands. I fell 39 floors and landed in trees and finally in some bushes. I knew I broke every bone in my body, but was very thankful for not dying. When out of nowhere this freaking refrigerator hits me. And I woke up here.

Now St. Peter looks at the first guy and then at the second and tell him to stand far away from each other and not to talk. By now the third guy walks up and St. Peter tells him “ I don’t think you have a chance of beating either one of the first two.” And with that the third guy puts his arm around St. Peter and said “picture this….I’m Naked in a refrigerator”

A man was just recovering in hospital after being unconscious for a week…

His wife was sitting by his side when he woke up.Man: Honey, you've been by my side when I was in that car crash, you were there when I lost my job, you were present when my parents died, and you were by my side when someone stole all my money from my account…..and you know what?Wife: What?Man: I think you're bad luck.

A redneck is walking along the beach in France…

There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women. "Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?" "Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way." "Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl." "Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way." "Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it any more and goes back to the Frenchman. "Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach– and still nothing! What more can I do?" "Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"

I still have a lot of trouble with wrong numbers…

Yesterday I dialed the Red Cross and got the Internal Revenue Service in error.

So the IRS operator asked me what number I had dialed. I said, "The Red Cross, you know, where they take the blood."

She said, "Well, you aren't too far off, are you?"

What did one Hot Dog Say to the other Hot Dog?

HI! Frank!

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the…

ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

I apopted a dog from a blacksmith today. As soon as

I got it home it made a bolt for the door

Is chocolate bad for me?

Are you crazy? Cocoa beans… Another vegetable. It's the best feel good food around!

There was a bank robbery and the Chief of Police ordered the sergeant to cover…

all exit points so that none of the robbers could get away. When the Sergent reported to the Chief that all the robbers had escaped, the Chief went mad with anger & shouted, "Didn't I tell you to cover all the exit points?" "I did," defended the sergeant, "but they managed to escape through the entrance."

Wife, “Honey, soon there will be 3 of us here! Isn’t that great?”

Husband, “Oh darling, that is simply wonderful!”

Wife, “I’m so happy you react that way! I did tell my mom you won’t mind her moving in!”

Did you hear about the turtle being shot at in the army?

He was SHELL shocked!

Where do you find a Phillips head

On Phillips Body

The Higgs Boson walks into a church.

The bishop says, "We don't allow Higgs Boson in here."

The Higgs Boson asks, "But without me, how can you have mass?"

Healing Kiss

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting.

The girl looks like she’s having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What’s wrong honey?"

She replies. "My head hurts."

Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?"

"Yes," she says.

Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"

"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses her lips.

"Is it better now?"

"Much better."

"Anywhere else?"

She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, "Excuse me, do you do hemorrhoids?"

Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville)…

There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger…

establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?"

she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands."No" he replies, "I''m just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him."

She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair.

"I''m afraid I can''t," breathes the manager clearly aroused," he''s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

The post Jokes: My Friend Told Me His Girlfriend Talks a lot in Her Sleep… appeared first on DailyLaughs.com.

It was the kind of public appearance Theron does not make often, which is part of why it landed. The Oscar winner arrived in a custom black Tom Ford gown with sheer panels, embellishments and a floor-length train, then finished the look with Boucheron jewelry and a sleek bob with microbangs. The styling kept the focus on the family tableau as much as the award itself.

A museum honor, and a family moment on the carpet

The Academy Museum’s Icon Award is reserved for artists whose work has had a significant global impact, and Theron was the evening’s honoree. The gala also raises money for the museum’s exhibitions, educational initiatives and public programming, which made the appearance a formal industry night as well as a personal one. Weaver’s role as presenter gave the presentation an added layer of Hollywood overlap.

Theron’s daughters attending with her made the appearance feel unusually intimate for a red carpet built around big names and polished images. The family outing stood out because Theron has not made a habit of bringing her children into public-facing industry events, so seeing them together at the gala became part of the story. The moment also fit into a run of recent public-facing work that has kept Theron visible across film, fashion and museum circles.

Theron’s recent public run has mixed awards, fashion and film

Theron has been balancing high-profile appearances with a steady awards-season profile this fall. In the same broader period, she has also been tied to recent coverage around her style, her public presence and her standing as one of Hollywood’s most recognizable leading actors. At the gala, though, the spotlight was less about the look and more about the fact that she shared the night with her daughters.

The custom Tom Ford gown gave the appearance its formal edge, but the overall effect was still personal. Theron’s jewelry choice and sharp haircut made the outfit feel deliberate rather than purely ceremonial, and the family setting gave the image extra warmth. For a celebrity who can dominate a red carpet alone, bringing her children changed the feel of the night.

The Academy Museum Gala has become one of the industry’s more visible fall events, and Theron’s turn there put her in the center of it with a very specific scene: honored onstage, daughters at her side, and Weaver handling the presentation. It was a straightforward appearance, but one with enough personal detail to make it memorable beyond the usual awards-season rhythm.

Theron left the evening with a major honor and a rare public family moment attached to it, and the strongest image from the night was not the trophy alone. It was Theron, her daughters and Weaver sharing the same stage-bound spotlight at the museum’s sixth annual gala, with the Icon Award now part of her long list of public milestones.

The post Charlize Theron Makes a Rare Red Carpet Appearance With Her Daughters appeared first on DailyLaughs.com.

The challenge

Look closely at the area around the house and try to spot the snake. The scene shows a desert setting with a cowboy sitting outside, surrounded by the landscape. The snake is nearby, but it does not stand out at first glance.

How to check the scene

The only confirmed hint is to examine the area around the house more carefully. A quick scan of the wider desert may not help much, because the snake is blended into the surroundings.

If you have not found it yet, narrow your search instead of looking at the whole picture at once. Focus on the house and the ground immediately around it, where the hidden detail is easier to miss.

The solution

The snake is hidden near the house. The key to solving this puzzle is not the open desert, but the space directly around the building, where it blends into the scene and becomes hard to notice at first.

The post Can you spot the hidden snake in this picture before your eyes skip past it? appeared first on DailyLaughs.com.

So everyone starts off fairly.

Joke: What did the doughnut say to the cop?

Don't glaze me, bro

Joke: A cop sets up a speed trap on a lonely highway. After hours of waiting…

he finally sees a car speeding down the highway towards him. He clocks the car at nearly double the speed limit, quickly pulls him over and walks up to the driver.

Cop: "I've been waiting for someone like you to come around all day, boy."

Driver: "Well I'm sorry officer, I got here as fast as I could!"

Joke: A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.

"Have you arrested her?" asks the sergeant.

No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.

A man is pulled over speeding..

the State Trooper walks up to the driver's window and asks the driver "do you know why I pulled you over?" "Yes" the man says, "I was speeding." "Why were you speeding?" the Trooper asks.

"My ex-wife left me for a Trooper, and I thought maybe you were him, trying to bring her back!"

A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, (kinda NSFW)

A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.

After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo Dick." "How does it work?" asked the businessman.

The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo Dick from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo Dick that door." The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half.

"Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!"

He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo Dick and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo Dick my pussy." The Voodoo Dick flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo Dick inside her that wouldn't leave her alone. The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo Dick, my ass."

Mikhail Gorbachev wakes up late after a long night of worrying about the fate…

of the USSR over a bottle of vodka.

He's so late, in fact, that he tells his slow-driving limo driver to get out of the car so he can drive himself to the Kremlin. He's speeding down the highway from his dacha into downtown Moscow when he blazes past a cop car on the side of the road.

The first cop says to his partner, "Man, that guy's moving. Let's drive after him and give him a ticket!"

The partner says, "I don't know, man, with a limo like that, he's probably someone really important."

The other copy says, "I don't care, you heard what the party boss said in our monthly meeting. No more special treatment for officials, and plus, the USSR needs all the money we can get if we want to defeat the capitalists."

So they speed off after the limo and pull it over. The partner gets out of the car, walks up to the limo, and quickly turns back after just a few words with the driver without issuing a ticket. When he gets back to the cop car, his partner says, "What was that? I thought we said no special breaks! Who could be so important that you didn't give them a ticket?"

"I don't know," said the other cop, "but his driver was Gorbachev!"

Three friends meet up at the office, all hungover from the night before.

Bill says "Oh man. I feel so sick guys. I was so drunk last night that I forgot to call a cab. I ended up trying to drive home and got pulled over. The cop gave me a DUI and I ended up staying the night in jail."

Tom replied "That's not so bad. I was so drunk last night that I barely managed to stumble home. I crawled up the stairs into bed with my wife. Later while I was asleep I heard her scream. I thought maybe someone broke into the house. I looked over to her, and she wasn't my wife. She grabbed a baseball bat and chased me out of the house. I had to go to the hospital to get stitches."

Bob said "Guys, that's not as bad as the night I had. I was so drunk that I stumbled home, went into the bedroom and blew Chunks on the bed."

The two other guys look at each other, and Bill says "Hey Bob, that doesn't sound too bad. At least you didn't get arrested." "Yeah," said Tom. "All you need to do is laundry, not pay a large hospital bill."

"Guys," shouted Bob, "Chunks is my dog."

Just say "thank you" and drive away

A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state…

trooper.

"You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.

"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."

"What's a circle fly?"

"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."

"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's rear, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.

"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of…

penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy obliges and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins again. This time, though, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses. The police officer pulls the guy over and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did, and today I'm taking them to the beach."

How is Daniel Craig a policeman?

He is in Spectre (Inspector)

The Pope goes for a drive

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?''

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.''

But the Pope persists, ''Please?''

The driver finally lets up. ''Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope.''

So, the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the driver to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: ''Chief, I have a problem.''

Chief: ''What sort of problem?''

Cop: ''Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.''

Chief: ''Important like the mayor?''

Cop: ''No, no, much more important than that.'' Chief: ''Important like the governor?''

Cop: ''Wayyyyyy more important than that.''

Chief: ''Like the President?''

Cop: ''More.''

Chief: ''Who's more important than the President?!''

Cop: ''I don't know, but he's got the Pope DRIVING for him!''

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to…

Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after three hours he hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast to honk the horn on his bike and he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes–both going well over 120 mph–blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to another officer that he had two Corvettes heading his way at over 120 mph.

He then relayed, "And you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass!"

his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police…

The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"

"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"

"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat broad in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

The post Joke: why do you need to have a clean record in order to become a police… appeared first on DailyLaughs.com.

But my pull-out game is too strong

Joke: How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One or two?

One..

..Or two?

Joke: The Doctor said I should stop with all this phone sex.

He said I might get hearing aids.

Joke: You know what the best thing about Alzheimer's is?

You can hide your own Easter eggs.

Why don't magnets fall in love?

Because their prospective mates are polar opposites.

Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen…

toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

(fairly gosh darn NSFW) Yeah, so, I'm a necrophiliac, right…

…..I *had* a girlfriend, but the rotten cunt split on me.

A Mitochondrion walks into a bar and asks for some energy.

The barman says: "That'll be 80p!"

There's a French spy, a Russian spy, and an Italian spy…

who are assigned to work as a team. On a particular mission, they are captured, blindfolded, and are placed in a cell together.

A man tells the spies that they will be tortured until they confess everything they know.

The Frenchman is called out first. He is put on a chair, his hands tied to his back, and tortured. After an hour, he confesses everything he knows.

The Russian is taken next. Similarly, he is put on a chair, his hands tied to his back, and tortured. His resolve remains steady, but after two hours he confesses everything he knows.

Finally, the Italian is led out of the cell. He is put on a chair, his hands are tied to his back, and the torture begins.

An hour passes. Then two. Then four. The Italian spy is tortured for twelve hours, yet he confesses nothing. He is thrown back into the cell, and is greeted by his astounded companions.

"How did you last for so long? Why didn't you confess?" they asked.

"I tried to," the Italian groaned, "but they wouldn't untie my hands!"

My Butt giving the day off to employees on Thanksgiving..

PSYCHE Probably gonna take a huge dump instead.

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.

What did the slice of pork say to the attractive woman….

….you may be hot, but I'm bacon!

What does Woody Allen call an unborn baby?

A blind date.

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support…

a 10 pound possum. 2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?A. '66 Ford Fairlane B. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle C. '64 Pontiac GTO 3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine per hour, how many radiators are required to condense the product? 4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 trees per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14". How many Budweiser tall-boys will it take to cut the trees? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2×8 pine at 24 inches on center with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1" thick rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land? 8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields? 9. A coal mine operates an NFPA class 1, division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift? 10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

What do you call a hamburger that runs for president?

A McTrump

A man goes in to the doctor's for a checkup…

The doctor says "Let's get started, shall we? Why don't you take your clothes off and put them over there… Next to mine."

What Did The Pirate Say On His 80th Birthday?

Ayyyye Matey!

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar…

discussing which people are their favorite to operate on.

The first surgeon looks at the other two, and tells them that his favorite patients are librarians. The other two then ask him why.

"Well," he begins, "I like librarians, because their insides are always filed away in alphabetical order."

The other two slowly nod in agreement.

"My favorite kind of patients are electricians," the second blurts out.

"Why?" the others ask in tandem.

"All of their innards are grouped together and color coded."

All three nod before all eyes fall on the third surgeon.

The third muses for a moment before he says, "Lawyers."

"Lawyers?" the other two ask incredulously.

"Yup, they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable."

When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a…

young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man, and told him the headline the following day would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should read, 'Yankee Kills Family Pet'."

My grandson is a smart egg

At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared.

“Don’t you want to sit on the 
bunny’s lap?” I asked.

“No!” he shouted. “There’s 
a man in his mouth!”

The post Joke: [NSFW-ish] It would’ve been my kids 6th birthday today… appeared first on DailyLaughs.com.

Juan on Juan

Joke: Why shouldn't Canadian adults laugh at children who believe in the Easter Bunny?

Because most of them still believe in Justin Trudeau

Joke: Q. What do Robin Williams and Joan Rivers want for Christmas?

A. Betty White.

Joke: A blonde goes to an electronic store and asks the salesperson…

pointing at the appliance "how much is this microwave for?" The salesperson replies "Sorry we don't sell to blondes." The blonde is angry and changes her attire and goes to the store the next day with brunette hair, she points to the appliance and asks the salesperson the same question, "How much is this microwave for?" The salesperson gives her the same answer, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." The blonde is furious and decides to become a redhead and put lots of makeup to hide her identity and goes to the store the next day and asks the same question to the salesperson and gets the same answer. The blonde is now fed-up and decides to dress like a man. Finally after a week she goes to the store thinking that dressing like a man and going to the store after a week will change the salesperson's mind. She goes in, points to the appliance and asks the salesperson, "how much is this microwave for?" The salesperson replies back "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes". The blonde gives up and asks the salesperson, "how do you know that I am a blonde? I have changed my attire and looks many times and still you find out that I am a blonde, how?" The salesperson replies, "This is not a microwave, it is a TV"

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson. He brought the house down.

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.

What is the best way to get to Paradise? Turn right and go straight.

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar…

a thief, and a cheat.

Flea: (noun) a small, wingless, bloodsucking parasite

(see also) a. Brother-in-law b. lawyer c. politician

A blonde was standing in front of a vending machine. She put in a dollar…

pushed a button and a coke came out. She put in another dollar, pushed a different button and an iced tea came out. The blonde kept doing this, until the man behind her became impatient. "Excuse me, can I just get a drink, THEN you can continue whatever you're doing?" "No way!" exclaimed the blonde. "I'm not giving up this machine when I'm winning!"

When I was a kid my parents told me never to open the cellar door…

I sneakily opened the door, and it was amazing…I saw sunlight, trees, birds and a whole other bunch of awesome shit. Best day ever.

What's the hardest thing about rollerskating?

Telling your parents that you're gay.

Knock knock

Who's there?

YOUR MOM'S VAGINAL!

Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas?

They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.

Why did the man punch the Easter bunny?

I dunno. He must've been in fur it

A woman is opening presents at her birthday party,

and the first present she picks up is from the local florist, Max. She looks at the box and says, "I bet these are flowers" and Max nods his head. Sure enough, inside the box are flowers.

The second present she picks up is from the local candy shop owner, Molly. She looks at the box and said, "I bet this is candy" and Molly nods her head. Sure enough, inside the box is candy.

The third present she picks up is from the local liquor store owner, Joe. She looks at the box, which is leaking. " I bet this is a bottle of liquor" she says.

"Nope" says Joe.

The woman dabs some of the liquid on her finger and tastes it. "Oh, I know what this is, it's champagne!"

"No" says Joe.

The woman, frustrated, puts the box to her mouth and slurps off as much liquid as she can. "I have no idea. What did you get me, Joe?"

"A puppy."

Bath time

Wanna hear a clean joke?

Billy took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Bubbles was a clown…

knock knock, who's there?

An ass load of Brazil v Germany posts of which 5% are actually funny.

Billy and John were given a toboggan for their birthday.

After they had been out playing in the snow, Billy was in tears.

Now, John, said his father, I told you to let Billy use the toboggan half the time.

And I did, said Billy; I had it going down, and he had it going up.

The Top Three things for Halloween you can do now in North Carolina…

#3 Swim with the sharks, #2 Have an account on Ashley Madison, #1 riding a street car in Charlotte NC.

Perfect on the spot SFW joke

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween?

Candy corneas.

The post Joke: What do you call 2 Mexicans playing basketball? appeared first on DailyLaughs.com.

The post Quiz: Could you really match “Cogito, ergo sum” and “I Have a Dream” to the right names? appeared first on DailyLaughs.com.

She said it's been in the family for centuries…..

Joke: and are killed. Sisters Mary, Rose, and Kathleen arrive at the pearly gates…

confident that their entry was inevitable. They are met by Saint Peter, who explains to them that even though the spent their mortal lives in service to God, they were not gauranteed a place in Heaven. There were some questions that would need to be answered first. They are all very stressed out about the possibility of getting questions they might not be able to answer. Kathleen volunteered to go first: "Well then, Sister" Began Saint Peter, "Who was the first man?" Relieved, she says" Oh my, that's an easy one…Adam". The gates open and she enters. Rose goes next. Peter asks her "who was the first woman?" Relieved, she says " Oh my, that's an easy one too…Eve". The gates open and she enters. Peter then turns to Mary and asks "what were Eve's first words to Adam? Mary is a bit troubled by the difficulty of the question. Stalling for time she says "Oh my, that's a hard one…" and the gates open and she enters

Joke: I couldn't imagine my parents having sex

So last night I hid in their closet and watched

Joke: Why did god give Women legs?

So they didn't leave slug trails.

My father told me that when I was 8 years old.

…the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa…

why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names – Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?" His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive. For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

I never got along well with my dad.

Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad."

I'd just say, "Yeah, when?"

"My imaginary friend"

"Oh what's their name?" "Womens rights"

What has holes in it, and travels down an alley?

Batman: my parents?

Riddler: no its a bowling ball! I-im so sorry!

I just got off the phone to my brother in Sydney…

he's a bit shaken up by this whole cafe incident, but feeling more settled now.

Although I did have a go at him for letting 5 of the damn hostages escape.

My mom asked me why are you wearing all black.

She said "Are you going to a funeral or why are you wearing all black" I told her "I'm not I'm wearing white" She said "Where I don't see it" I told her "I have white socks on"

My little brother wished for bigger family gatherings

So I listed my single uncles on dating websites. "You want aunts? That's how you get aunts."

What do you tell a gardener with a psych major?

I fucking hate my mom.

I love going over to my girlfriends place…

her parents give me money when I leave!

You know being a babysiter and all.

How to play "Future You"

FUTURE YOU How to play "Future You" (You'll have to be over 25 to play this game) Go to a play park, or a fair ground or a school or anywhere you might find children. Find a child who looks enough like you. Go up to that child when they're alone and say "I am you from the future, those people are not your parents, I'm sorry but your real parents were dead long ago… Now listen carefully, you need to become me. Become the super spy the world needs! You have to get to Mexico, forget about everyone you know, they've all been placed here by the shadow man to stop you by any means. Just get to Mexico, you will meet who you need to meet when you get there, trust me. Don't look back just go, GO NOW!"

This game can also be played with more players, where whoever had the kid causing the longest news story, wins…

My nephew and I went to get some lunch..

I know he'll eat a grilled cheese sandwich because my sister says he loves them..

I say, "You want a grilled cheese sandwich?" He says, "No, I want a boy cheese sandwich!"

His mother set me up. I laughed so hard I almost fell over.

The post Joke: My mother gave me her old dildo… appeared first on DailyLaughs.com.

He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, "if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"

She quickly responded, "The living one."

Joke: Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management

Joke: THE salesman story.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’

Joke: For my Day of the Baked Good, one of my favorites…

There was a rich businessman who was looking to get an enormous blank wall in his library painted over. So he calls up one of the most famous and modern contemporary artists he's ever heard of. When they meet in this library, the businessman explains the situation to the artist.

"I would like to hire you to paint a mural over this entire wall, and I will out of town for the next couple of weeks on business. I want the mural to be done by the time I get back. Now here's what I would like the mural to be of: General Custer's Last Thoughts! It can be as detailed or as extravagant as necessary; price is no object. Do you think you can do this for me, sir?"

The artist begins to contemplate on the offer, and, after several minutes of deep thought, looking over the wall, imagining the mural, finally, he nods enthusiastically, shakes the businessman's hand, and says, "Absolutely! It will be my pleasure! Go on your trip. You'll have the most stunning, the most amazing mural you have ever seen in your life, good sir!"

So the businessman leaves on his trip. After a little over two weeks, he returns to his mansion to find the artist waiting out front. The artist was positively trembling with excitement.

"It's extraordinary!" he began to beam. "You'll absolutely love it! It's positively amazing!"

The artist kept going on and on about how great his mural is as he walked with the businessman through the mansion. By the time they walked through the double doors of the library, the artist was gushing with delight. The businessman stared at his library with his jaw agape.

The artist asked, "So, what do you think?"

Painted across the wall were a multitude of Native Americans in various sexual positions, almost like an American Kama Sutra. Centered in the middle of this display was an enormous pile of manure with a heavenly glow around it.

"What do I think!?" the businessman grumpily replied. "I think it's terrible! What is this pornographic smut!?! Just what the hell is this!?! I asked for the last thoughts of General Custer at the battle of Little Bighorn! What do you call this trash!?!"

The artist replied, "This *is* General Custer's last thoughts! I call it…"

Fisherman's Joke

A man and a woman are on their honeymoon at a nice resort for a 3 day stay. The resort manager notices the man leave in the morning on the first day and spent the day fishing. He does this for 2 more days, so the manager decides to approach the man and ask "Why aren't you in there having sex with your wife?" "She has gonorrhea" "Oh, well why don't you do oral?" "She has oral herpes" "Well what about Anal?" "She has diarrhea" "So why the hell did you marry her?" "She has worms"

Wish I could tell it as good as the old man on the pier did last night, but had to tell someone before I forgot.

At a meeting, the Boss told a joke.

Everyone on the team laughed except one guy. The Boss asked him, 'Didn’t you understand my joke?' The guy replied, 'Oh I understood it, but I resigned this morning.'

What did the stressed-out casino worker say to their boss?

I literally cannot deal.

During an interview, the young lady interviewing for the position was…

surprised to hear the HR manager say he was looking for someone "to do the work of six men."

The lady replied: "That's a shame. I was looking for a full time job."

A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the…

current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days. "Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."

What is a long distance love?

It's when you're in the office, bed is at home and whiskey is in the bar.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting

…trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him. So in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. So they all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

Even though the others do all the work…an Asshole is usually in charge!

Job Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Me: "I would say my biggest weakness is listening."

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his chauffeur…

who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the chauffeur approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the chauffeur handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, "Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?"

"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."

My hot dislexic co-worker said she had an important massage to give me in her…

office…

When I got there, she told me it can wait until I put on some clothes.

Another day at the White House

After returning from the White House after a forum on sex in the workplace, Monica Lewinsky takes her dress to the dry cleaner.

The dry cleaner has an ear infection and is having trouble hearing.

Monica says to the dry cleaner, I need my dress cleaned. The dry cleaner does not hear her well and says "come again", and Monica replies, "No, mustard"

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