Getting started: End-of-Life Conversations

You do not need to be seriously ill or on the death bed to start having conversations

In a Singaporean survey, only 50% have ever talked about death or dying with their loved ones and only 36% feel comfortable talking about their own death.
There is always this association that talking about the topic of death is inauspicious and brings bad luck, thus many still shun away from approaching this topic. Not everyone would be comfortable with such conversations but these conversations are important in helping both the person that is willing to talk about it and the other person that is willing to listen.

Listening to someone who wishes to share what is important to them as they reach the end of their lives is a privilege.

Here are some tips and areas for you to think through before sharing with someone else:

Relationships

Share about anything and anyone you want to share about! Be it family members or friends, think if there’s anything you’d like to change about the relationship. It could be something you’ll like to change or even be something you’ll like the other person to change. Taking these proactive steps to mend and better relationships would likely be well-received by the receiver.

Lifestyle

Is there anything about your current lifestyle that you would like to change? It could be a change in environment, simply the feeling of being home and the ease of being in one’s own home could be a great comfort. Other lifestyle considerations could also include that of leading a more active lifestyle, travelling down memory lane to the places where memories were forged with family and friends.

Religion or Personal beliefs

Sharing with others how you’d like to grow spiritually or simply opening up and sharing about your personal beliefs opens up opportunities for sharings on different points of views and might help to reconcile differences at times.

Healthcare preferences

The power of choice – for many terminally ill patients or patients under palliative care, many would prefer spending their last days in the comfort of their own homes. It is important for family members to hear these wishes.

Financial and legal matters

This can be a touchy topic which can cause disputes and legal matters that take long to resolve even after one’s passing. Wills and special instructions before the passing would make matters much more convenient for family members.

If you’re on the receiving end, don’t kill the conversation

Listening to someone who wishes to share what is important to them as they reach the end of their lives is a privilege. Consider it a gift. Reciprocate with respect and love

• Listen – It is not easy for someone to open up about such matters, even more so for the older generation. Hold your views and refrain from casting their judgement, it will be so comforting for the other person opening up to know that you care to listen
• Be encouraging – Body language, tone and words all play a part in conveying our thoughts and feelings. Body language is so important. With this being a sensitive topic, showing them that you care by giving your 100% attention and even reaching out to hold their hands as they speak is great. Nod your head as a sign of acknowledgement and if necessary ask questions that help you clarify what is important.
• Remain calm. It is natural that such conversations would trigger the emotions and bring tears. Breathe in to slowly calm yourself if you have to.
• Be honest. Be honest in conveying how you feel about the subject matter that was shared. Do so respectfully, acknowledging and validating the other person’s sharings.

Announcing the passing of a loved one on Social Media

Things to look out for before posting about a death on social media We all know how convenient social media is these days but are also aware of the perils on social media. In this age of heightened sensitivities and keyboard warriors who hide behind the screens and make malicious comments, we should all the more exercise caution when we upload stuff onto social media, and even more so for death-related matters which involve high sensitivities.

Social media has become a powerful tool to remember someone fondly.

There can be many reasons why we would want to take to social media to announce the death of a loved one — it could be a form of mourning, a way to remember the deceased or simply to inform close friends of the passing. These days, social media has become a powerful tool to remember someone fondly, slowly replacing the traditional obituaries in newspapers. Also these days, more people have become more open to the issue of death, viewing it not entirely as an unfortunate event but rather holding on to the belief that the deceased has ascended to a better place.

Notifying closer friends and relatives first

Imagine being a close friend or relative of someone who has just passed away but only finding out about their passing quite late on and even more so, finding out through social media. Immediate emotions of shock and sadness would soon take over. Therefore, for the family of the deceased, it is of paramount importance to consider the feelings of these close kins and friends, given that they shared a more special bond with the deceased. You could start off by identifying who are the family members and close friends that you would want to inform first. If there are many, consider splitting up the informing work between a few family members. This is usually done after settling the necessary funeral arrangements eg. location and duration of the funeral. After notifying, some might want to extend their help in terms of funeral preparation. It doesn’t harm to have additional hands to help around and tide the family through this trying period.

It is important to consider the feelings of these close kins and friends, given that they shared a more special bond with the deceased.

Timing

There is never a good time to announce the passing of a loved one as death in itself is not a joyous matter. When one comes across the news of a passing, the first reaction would likely be that of shock and sadness, no matter how much the death was anticipated (eg. suffering from illnesses, etc.), death is still not an easy issue for many to grapple with. Despite this, news of the passing has to be broken somehow or the other. Do consider the timing at which you release the news to friends and loved ones, being careful not to break the news towards the end of the funeral, leaving them with little time to pay their respects. Also, some families may opt to not have a funeral ceremony, either by the wishes of the dead or from the belief that funerals are for the living, not for the dead. In this case, the family of the deceased might want to inform about the send-off date for cremation, so that those that want to come and pay their final respects are given the opportunity to do so.

No matter how much the death was anticipated, death is still not an easy issue for many to grapple with.

Choice of social media platform

It is important to consider which social media platform the deceased’s friends use the most. If the deceased is of the older generation, using Instagram which has a greater proportion of youths using it might not be a good option as literally no one who you want to inform might know about it. Facebook and Twitter are also good channels to inform about the passing of a loved one, with Facebook being the more formal channel of dissemination in my opinion. If the deceased typically does not use social media, this channel is still a good platform to let as many people know in a short period of time, leaving you with more time to focus on the other funeral preparations.

It is important to consider which social media platform the deceased’s friends use the most.

Purpose and angle of social media post

The most important thing before you actually post, is to take some time and sit down to think of what you are going to be posting about. Would this post take an emotional slant where you reflect on the greats of that person or would it be more of an informational post where you inform about the details of the funeral arrangements? Some are more comfortable than the others in penning down their feelings for others to see on social media as they see it as remembering the other person in a good way, hoping others too would remember the deceased in a similar light.

Take some time and sit down to think of what you are going to be posting about.

Life after death

At the end of the day, coping and dealing with the passing of a loved one takes time to heal and even with time, the wound might not be healed completely. The outpour of support on social media at times can be a form of solace and comfort that many use as a tool to remember the deceased in a certain way. The possibilities of social media when used in an appropriate way is endless and could actually help relieve some pressure in having to inform everyone individually, leaving the family of the deceased with more emotional and physical capacity to deal with other funeral matters.