Doing what’s right even when it’s hard

Morning meditations.
Doodling a shrub in the neighbor’s yard. Ponderings.

I’m still rusty from drawing outta my imagination. This is a quickie doodle while doing meditation, still using this art generator prompt.

I feel like there’s so much chunky rust to break off. I haven’t gotten into day-to-day drawing yet but I’m not trying to be too hard on myself. Slowly but surely.

I do feel the difference on the days I meditate + draw versus when I don’t.

It’s easy to skip it. It’s easy to convince myself there’s something more important, like an email, a deadline, an Instagram DM lol

But my wiser self knows that there’s few things more fruitful than me taking a quiet few mins to sit with myself, express an idea, to keep practicing that every day -> and publishing it to completely my full creative cycle.

Onward!

Oh - no wonder it feels like brain stew!

It’s like I have a bajillion thoughts and feelings happening at once - and it’s all in disconcerting mashed synchronicity lol

One of the skills I’ve learned from art therapy is even when it’s bleggghh and I’m feeling bluarrrggghhh, I spend a few mins to get it out of my body. Let my impulses lead: what medium do I want to use? what color? what shape? what mark next? And just let it play out, step by step.

And …. I do feel better afterwards.

The process of externalizing it out of me helps
The process of separating out each of the feelings / thoughts helps
Then being able to LOOK at it objectively outside of myself helps

I’m digging just the loose red pen doodles. I’m listening to meditations while I do this. I didn’t want to “over commit” with the black pen today - it came out so much more pronounced than I intended. Mostly because I was trying out a new black felt tip pen.

I stuck with a wizardy character - with a cane.

My favorite time of day?
The best days are watching the sunset over the Pacific Ocean. Never gets old.

I know I’m at a point with my creative practice where I need to strengthen my drawing skills again. I’ve been mostly focusing on watercolor in 2025 for fluid and freeing expression. And I want to strengthen my articulation of moments, scenes, storytelling.

Obviously, I have a tremendous amount of skill illustrating a la ArtCenter and professional life.

But who am I and how do I want to articulate marks on a page?
This will be my investigation and inward exploration.

I found it’s helpful for me to have prompts. I discovered this independently made art prompt generator. Today’s was something like “Magician in the Woods.”

What do you want to make real with your pen?

What worlds are you creating?

Technique, expertise - everything aside,
WHAT do you want to MAKE?

“I don’t like how I draw leaves!” HAHAHAH Remembering how I want to move ink on paper

How do you want to create images?
How do you feel authentic with pen?

Trust in the ease of fulfillment and desires to come your way.

The first 40 years of your life has been one of learning, undoing, achieving, discovering, becoming.

You’ve arrived in the foundation of your best life.

Everything from here is maintaining + progressively building — the way you were meant to. From a place of calm, intentionality, assured, genuinely and honestly. And with deep rooted values of HOW to do and design life, business, friendships, life partnership, everyday life.

There’s TIME for patience.
There’s ENERGY for slow, intentional decisions.
There’s plenty of opportunities ahead. I know this because I have done this before - many times over.

The Universe, the stars, the ancestors have my back.

Not only will I figure it out, I will thrive.

I am lucky.
I am fortunate.
I have deep belonging.
I have great health.
I have money and opportunities flowing towards me.
I am deeply blessed, protected, lifted, supported.
I can make into reality my visions - with ease, clarity, and joy.
I am deeply grateful for this life I get to life.
I’ll continue making the most of it.

One of the main symptoms of codependency is maladaptive self-esteeming.
”Plus One” (+1) or “Minus One” (-1) is what my therapist calls it. My job this week is to observe and focus on the moments when I’m +1 or -1 -ing myself.

Both come from a place of insecurity and ‘malfunction’ (so to say).

-1 is the more common one for me:

• Others know more and better than me

• Other people’s goals, wants, desires, needs come first before mine

• My words and contributions have less weight than others’

+1 happens with my most intimate relationships:

• Comes with annoyance and impatience. (“Ugh. why don’t they know this.”)

• It’s a facade of feeling freedom of DOING, BEING, ACHIEVING for me

A healthier, more functional approach is understanding, knowing, feeling:

• my self-esteem lives within myself

• it doesn’t shift and change with external factors

• even when I make mistakes, even when others make mistakes, it does not harm nor negate my self-esteem

• Others are not a reflection of me. Others are not a representation / extension of me.

• My inner narrative and belief of myself is something I have control over all the time, and it doesn’t change. The things around me may change but my inner narrative and belief of myself does not get affected by the external variables.

These are lessons I’m reviewing from Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody.

These aren’t real mushrooms
It’s not accurate
Someone’s going to point out that xyz are wrong
Your colors are off
Your composition is redundant
Position things better
That’s not what moss looks like
That’s not how moss behaves
This isn’t even real
You’re never gonna become xyzblahblahblahblahblah
No one will take you seriously
Your art sux
Your creativity is boring
You’re unoriginal
You’re boring

———Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh———

Have you said everything you needed to say?
k.
Well imma keep working on this.

This Cali girl is not ready!!
I literally only have tank tops and shorts in my drawers and haven’t done the wardrobe switch yet 😭

Things I’m looking forward to:

• Taking the season to be more inward

• Cozy time = more time being with myself, my little family, and close friends

• Prepping for the joys and celebrations of holiday season

Some people are cursed with a lot of internal demons. The chaos fills them - and it’s most of what they’ve known.

My tendency is think I can solve that • that everyone, if given unconditional love, can heal and overcome the demons within them.

My fallacy was thinking that that was my job to solve.

There’s grief there.
There’s pain there.

And, for those who recognize and have done codependency healing as caretakers, know that it might seem altruistic or well-meaning, but it ends up hurting all parties involved. As a child, I was emotionally enmeshed with my mom - in bebe estella brain, if I could make her happy and cared for, maybe she won’t be so upset and frazzled. If she was upset, I must not have done enough to make her feel okay.

As I grew up a bit more, I only saw how my choices and interests caused her stress, disappointment, and frustration. Plus - in true tiger mom fashion - it was the only thing she would vocalize to me. So, yeah, I carried that “burden” on my back, hypervigilant that all of my life choices would impact her. And, I wanted to be a Good Daughter™ so I did whatever was “right” in her eyes.

My needs, wants, interests, even choice in partners, came secondary. The primary internal decision making was based on: Will my mom approve? Will this make her happy finally?

It has led me down some interesting life paths. And had me “saving” people, staying longer in dynamics due to that internal battle. And the deepest cuts would come out: I’m not a good enough girlfriend, I’m not a good friend. In many ways a self-fulfilling prophecy of seeking to fix a wound that simply CAN’T be fixed with others. That wound must be fixed within oneself.

Anyway. Some ppl are cursed with demons.
It sucks.
I wish the world wasn’t like that.
But - it is. And I can’t stop it from happening.
And I can’t be the one to FIX that for other’s.

“It’s their job to figure it out.
And it’s your job to let them.”

What other’s think of me is none of my business.
And what other’s do with their lives is certainly not my responsibility nor my business.

I remember spending nights staring out my window, watching the moon cross the sky, and the stars twinkle their way above the Oakland hills. I daydreamed of the world I’ve yet to explore.

It seemed vast.
Giant.
And - scary.

I was afraid of not knowing how I fit in it all. I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid of the vulnerability of being a PART of it.

The stars themselves always brought comfort.

Maybe it has to do with the connection to my name - of the stars.
Maybe it was a knowing that we were all made of starstuff.

That Estella dared to dream and dared to put her visions on paper.
Channeling her this morning. ☕

Just art for art’s sake.

How do you lift yourself up again when everything feels oppressive?
When your own body can’t move?

Back to the Basics:

• Count my blessings

• See what it is I have before me

• Take time, space, moments to reconnect with my life — my family, friends, communities.

  • Reach out to those who are there FOR me — people who share the same values as me.

  • Tell them my pains • my worries • tell them my present moment of feeling hopelessness.

  • And allow them to remind me of the things WE value most.

• Spend time with Bryan - the purest soul I know. Watch her unadulterated joy, unfiltered, unapologetically joy-filled. She is Light. She is Golden.

• Surround myself with plants, with nature, with connection to something larger than… all this.

• Revisit and remember WHY I create.

• Remember my VALUES.

We don’t have guarantees.
We have family.
We have belonging in community.
We have safety in our diversity.
And our diversity IS and our ability to embrace and love our diversity has and will continue to be our strength.

Why I create:

I have an incredibly strong heart.
This Oakland girl was raised with a strong moral compass.
I was given unique gifts, talents, and passions.
And I’ll continue to harness and cultivate it, using my creativity as a platform.

Others can’t see it from the outside but what looks like $5 cards are nurtured seedlings of creativity that exist in an entire ecosystem that I am building. One that is built on ethics • one that has Collaboration, Interdependence, and Mutual Support built in its roots • a creative ecosystem that has technological innovation woven into handmade art. With the focus of bringing meaning, values of community, and LIGHT and JOY to the worlds around me.

I create because I must
I create because - even though I don’t know how - it somehow helps others.
I create because I have a voice.
I create because I can and will use it.
I create for expression.
I create for joy
I create to transmute the Darkness into Light
I create so others can feel less alone
I create to show myself that I can impact and shape the future. That I can create the future I want — one piece, one day at a time.

The Darkness might seem like it’s winning these days.
But it’s just cuz it’s louder, angrier, more aggressive.

This is a constant reminder of what values I live by, how I want to show up, what would make little and elder Estella proud, what would make my nieces and nephews proud, and to NOT let them dim our creative spirit.

I want to be doing things.
I want to be expanding and growing.

But I can’t - I’m trapped.
My nervous system is on overdrive.

Nothing I’m doing feels “right”

I’m panicked. I’m hypervigilant.
My nervous system goes awry.

Parts of myself are segmented from the others - I logically know they’re there and they’re connected, but it feels like parts of me are scattered and missing. Otherwise blocked.

I know that sometimes it’s triggers that set it off.

And other times, it’s actually the discomfort of my nervous system learning to rewire to safety and security.

Part of the complexity of CPTSD is that the wires got crisscrossed. What was supposed to be calm and security got mixed with chaos, trauma, pain, and harm to my sense of self. So, it takes a lot of work + resilience + self assurance to show myself that calm and safety are indeed calm and safe - actually. It’s like if you’re afraid of ghosts and you’re trying to teach your nervous system that ghosts are okay and pretty rad. What. Like. SO HARD. Also, at the beginning, it’s a HARD NO. lol

Again, it goes to: Belief.

Some writings and musings for the day:

What does it mean to Believe in myself?

Courage. Persistence.
Ability to Overcome Storms.

The things that happen to and around me are out of my control.
I can show up as my authentic, honest self.

And trust that the rest will fall into place.

I think that trust and belief goes into - and MUST — require spirituality. It’s a blind belief. Not based in material concrete evidence.
There are no assurances that things will be okay.

What does matter - proven evidence of the human psyche and behavior - is the belief and hopefulness of something better.

That things will indeed
BE OKAY.

“It’ll be okay in the end.
If things aren’t okay,
It’s not the end.”

Belief that we are more powerful than we could ever imagine.
Belief that we are unique, special, gifted.
That none of us are inconsequential.
That if we harness + nurture our unique gifts and callings

That is enough
to make this world a better place.

Today’s painting started with the darkness overwhelming, encroaching into the rest of the piece. Aggressively, unforgivingly.

I let it dry as I stared at the white space (ironically, called the “negative space” lol).

How can the light win?

Is Light always fighting in defense of itself and what it stands for?

Do the good guys always finish last?

This can’t be the way. This isn’t how yin and yang work. Both energies are just as strong as each other. Together, they hold equilibrium.

Taking the concept of Believing in Myself, I used my chop with my ancestral given name smack dab in the middle — despite my comfort of it being RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE. (1) Chop stamps usually aren’t so blatantly in the middle, it’s sorta in bad taste. Literally self-centered. (2) Maybe this is what my American-raised self allows me to do. It’s not shameful to put myself in the center of my own mental battle. It’s not shameful to own and sit in my power.

The chop sat awkwardly in the middle, still vulnerable to the impending attack of the darkness.

We have greater strength and Light in us than we know. We all have it. It requires believing in ourselves and channeling it. Letting our Lightness shine. If we each show our Light, maybe it is simply enough to meet with others’ Light to fight against the Darkness.

In my healing journey, the hardest bit for me is centering my self-worth and confidence in myself - instead of others or external things.

It’s one of the reasons why daily social media engagement isn’t good for me. It’s too easy to place my self-worth in the hands of others - in likes, engagement, shares. THAT is too fragile an ecosystem to place one’s self-worth. In the algorithm and economic choices of a major corporation, nonetheless! No thank you!!

My default setting was to let others decide for me my worth.
And it’s taken a LOT of work to place my worth in myself.

One of the mental health practices I do is to ask myself: Where is your self-worth today? Is it in you? Is it hanging out upstairs? Is it completely not around and is out dicking around about town?

The steps to self-compassion and feeling assured in myself is to respond with:

• Non-judgement. No right or wrong answers.

• I’m already doing the work by simply assessing and taking note.

• Good job for showing up and just assessing and making a safe place for self-worth to return home when she’s ready.

Instead of my FEELINGS (can be colored with sadness, depression, insecurity) dictating my self-worth, I am still working to remember that my worth is constant • strong • unwavering • is there whether I feel it is close or not • cannot be stripped away by anything or anyone else.

The marks don’t need to make sense to anyone else

It need not look pretty

It need not make sense.

That’s not the point.

The primary reason for MAKING for oneself is to inquire within.

• What medium feels like the one I need to use right now?

• What color am I drawn to?

• What mark wants to be made?

• What do I feel within right now?

Grief, sadness, heartache, solace, safety, strong, willing

Vulnerable

There’s no right or wrong way to Art

There’s expression

There’s mark-making

There’s showing up for all the inner versions of yourself that need to be seen and heard

And there’s Being