Is praising during potty training good or bad? Should we praise our babies when they use the potty while doing elimination communication?

This is a great question and one that I feel fairly strongly about.

Praise can be communicated in many ways, and depending on the way it’s used, and whether it’s for internally-motivated or externally-motivated behaviors.

Elimination communication and toilet training both involve internally-motivated behaviors.

If your child is externally-motivated to use the potty, to please you or earn a sticker or M&M, then the potential for rebellion and a dysfunctional relationship to toileting is nigh!

Here’s an excerpt from my book about why I no longer praise. I hope it helps you lots:

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU CATCH A PEE/POOP

Lots of people have differing opinions on this. Some people praise the baby, some people praise the action, others reflect what they see/saw, others state their pleasure, and still others say nothing.

After much research, experience, and thought, I recommend that you either (1) Reflect & Notice, or (2) Say Nothing. Before I get to those, here’s a bit about why I no longer praise my babies.

WHY I NO LONGER PRAISE

After a catch, I used to praise and [albeit positively] judge. In the beginning, I would excitedly say, “Good peepee/poopoo!” and praise my first baby for going. You can see proof of this in most of the videos I taped before I had this epiphany.

After about 5 months, I reassessed this choice and decided to stop praising and start reflecting. Why? Well, I learned that as we praise children (for anything) they begin to do things to receive our praise and thus become extrinsically motivated. My hopes for my babies are the opposite: I want them to be motivated from within themselves.

Further, when I would say that a peepee is “good,” I implied there is also a “bad” version out there. The child may think, If I don’t do it “right,” am I “bad?” This type of positive or negative language comes across as criticism, even if well-intentioned.

I did not do any permanent damage – my tone was appropriate. We all say “good job,” right? It’s okay sometimes, I guess. But going to the bathroom is a natural process stemming from an inner motivation to take care of one’s hygiene and is not meant to happen out of a motivation to please you.

1. Reflect & Notice

The alternative to praise is reflecting or noticing. This means describing what you see baby do without making a big deal out of it. You can even notice how you feel inside and express that. Some examples of how to notice and reflect are:

“You’re peeing.”
“You went pee/poop in the sink.”
“You peed on the carpet. Peepee belongs in the bathroom.”
“You pooped in the potty. I’m excited. That’s where poop goes.”
“You feel relief because you peepeed.”
“What a relief to pee. It feels good to pee outside of your diaper.”
“You went poopoo, ahhhh.” (the noise “Ahhh” reflects the feeling of release)

Even words as simple as “Yay!” or “Wow!” will communicate the satisfaction you feel when she pees in the desired place.

2. Say Nothing

In cultures where infant pottying is the norm, most parents say nothing upon a successful potty. It’s expected that the baby should ask to go pee, and the parent should take her (or that an unspoken intuition should guide it all). It’s not really an exciting event because it is so socially ingrained as part of the “norm” and thus there’s never a big deal made of pottying. It’s a natural given.

Laurie Boucke writes in Infant Potty Training that some parents in intact cultures become upset about a miss in the middle of the kitchen, after the baby is old enough to “know better,” but never do they become upset with the child, nor make her feel wrong. They are only displeased with the activity. This displeasure clearly & honestly demonstrates to the child which behaviors are acceptable and which are not.

Clean-up, clean-up, everybody do your share...how do we clean up during observation and after pottying our babies with elimination communication, and are there any tricks? Today we’ll answer this question from one of our readers.

Q: As a first time mom and therefore first timer at this EC stuff; can you please tell me what is the best way to clean up the pee and/or poop when you are just starting out and observing your child for his/her “signals”?

My son is almost 10 months old and we are starting very late but I’m hoping for at least a little bit of success. Thanks for the advice :) ~Anonymous

A: Hey Mama! First off, congrats on starting Elimination Communication with a mobile, older baby.

It is never too late to start EC, so long as you’re still beginning prior to 18 months. (If over 18 months, see my other book for young toddler potty training that’s in line with EC.)

When you, the parent, are ready to ditch the diapers, that age becomes the right age to start potty training your child.

Being that you’ve begun at 10 months, and in the middle of a LOT of developmental changes for dear baby, I do have some tips for cleaning up during naked and “diaper-free” observation time.

But, first, let’s cover:

How to prevent having a big mess in the first place

1. Only do as much naked time as is necessary to gather information (such as your baby’s natural timing and intervals for peeing and pooping [after feeding and after waking], your baby’s signals or peepee dance [if any!], and to check in with your intuition).

Once that info is gathered, STOP doing naked time immediately.

This step is often missed, and is one that will help you lessen the need to clean up.

At the point that naked time becomes defunct/unnecessary, you’ll want to either (a) put your child in 100% cotton trainers (I prefer Gerbers’ 18 mo size, shrunk down with a hot wash/hot dry) and regular pants and clothing, (b) use a Sumo-style diaper back-up so you know right away when your child is wet (this means using a diaper belt around the child’s waist that holds a folded cloth prefold diaper in place, or (c) continue to use the diapers of your choice (cloth is preferred to retain or build sensitivity to wetness) as a tool (a “back-up”) whenever you wish (just be consistent…like: every morning she’s just in pants, but in a diaper the rest of the day).

2. During this range of naked time, do your observation in a “safe” space with a potty in the room/area. This could be a room in the house that has tile or hardwood floors; an outdoor area if the weather is warm enough; or even a carpeted room with towels, blankets, or yoga mats covering a vast majority of the carpet.

This way, any mess will be “contained” in the larger sense. :)

3. Since baby is mobile, I do not recommend just letting him pee wherever. What does that teach? This is a major downfall of how most EC has been done (up until my revised book came out).

Instead, do this: I recommend (gently, like a calm air-lift) transporting him to the potty each time he begins to pee or poop while saying (firmly but gently) “wait” and sitting him on the potty every single time. This teaches him pee goes in the potty and models how to get there himself when the time comes. Do it midstream. Do it when you see the peepee dance or signal come, or when you feel the intuition.

This will lessen your mess to just what drips between where you were sitting and playing, and where the in-the-room-nearby potty is.

4. While you’re observing, resist the urge to be potty-centered. This will save you mess now and in the future! Instead, have a diffuse awareness around pottying, just as you do around eating and sleeping. Do not helicopter! Focus on connecting with your child while noticing the pee and poop patterns without overdoing it all. A fine balance.