BMS Pillow Talk Sassy

If I had to recommend just one vibrator, it'd be this puppy.

The Sassy is a diamond in the rough. It's one of those rare vibrators I can recommend to almost anybody -- which, as a sex toy reviewer, is basically the holy grail. We all deserve a vibrator of this caliber: rechargeable, versatile, highly adjustable, and super rumbly. It makes me wonder aloud, "how are you so good?" (Read my review.)

Magic Wand Rechargeable

A cordless version of the legendary powerhouse -- my favorite quick orgasm tool.

The Magic Wand Rechargeable is the most-used vibrator I own, and one that serves a vital purpose: guaranteed, extremely low-effort orgasms. It envelopes my vulva with powerful vibrations, whether I'm wearing pants or not. OH, AND IT LASTS 4.5 HOURS ON A CHARGE. (Read my review and my follow-up.)

njoy Pure Wand

A life-changing G-spotting dildo that makes me gush like a geyser.

Two spheres of extreme G-spot stimulation. One and a half pounds. The sex toy, the legend. This parenthesis-shaped stainless steel dildo altered my perception of sexual pleasure forever. I've still yet to find another toy that makes me squirt as effortlessly and intensely. (Read my review.)

Fun Factory Volta

A powerful, dual-tipped vibe that always satisfies.

I often crave the Volta specifically. It hits the spot in a way other toys don't, with a robust motor and tantalizing sensations that vary depending on how the toy is held. Adaptable to a variety of genitals, this is the epitome of a versatile vibrator. It's the best external vibe Fun Factory's ever made. (Read my review and my follow-up.)

Je Joue Mimi + Bullets

A powerful, pebble-shaped mini vibe + cute bullets with nice vibrations.

Je Joue sure knows how to build a vibrator. The versatile Mimi is an exceptionally powerful external vibe, besting many bullets in the category, and its purr is undeniably satisfying. The Bullets, available in a few styles now, deliver Je Joue's signature fluttery vibrations in whichever shape most appeals to you. (Read my review of the Mimi and my review of the Bullets.)

njoy Pure Plugs

Butt plug perfection. And I don't use that word lightly.

The Pure Plugs are flawless. They're the best butt plugs I've ever tried. Stainless steel is a beautiful anal toy material, adding a sensation of weightiness that really enhances the pleasure. Secure as fuck, easy to remove, and available in 3 sizes. Put one in your ass, be astounded, THE END. (Read my review.)

Fun Factory Stronics

Self-thrusting toys that pummel my G-spot with very little effort.

The word "revolutionary" gets thrown around a lot in this industry, but Fun Factory's Stronic line actually earned it. These near-silent toys stroke my G-spot like robotic lovers. And I barely have to do anything! So lazy. So good. I feel blessed to have experienced this technology in my lifetime. (Read my review.)

Magic Wand Mini

A portable version of the legend, and boy do I want to take it everywhere.

The Magic Wand Mini stole my heart pretty much immediately. It's significantly smaller than the Magic Wand Rechargeable, but not too small to skimp on power. Plus, it doesn't vibrate my hand, and it lasts decades (3.5 hours) on a charge. I reach for it a lot.

We-Vibe Rave 2

An incredible G-spotter, clitoral vibe, and long-distance toy -- all in one.

It was love the moment I touched the Rave to my clit. This new second generation version ups the ante in all the best ways, adding significantly more rumbly power in addition to a softer silicone exterior and revamped controls. It has a phone app for long-distance play, but what really takes this toy to superstar level is its curved, asymmetrical shaft. It makes my G-spot sing. (Read my review.)

Uberrime Splendid

A perfectly-proportioned soft dildo. No notes.

Oh my, this is a damn good dildo. The Splendid's shape gives me everything my vagina needs with its sleek curve, bulbous head, and perfect length and girth. It's so well-designed I had a special edition version made in my blog color! (Read my review.)

We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

The epitome of "small yet mighty."

When it comes to petite clitoral vibes, We-Vibe has long been a frontrunner. With amazing motors and a host of upscale features, the Touch X and Tango X are some of the finest bullet vibes money can buy. Both are small enough to nestle in the palm and impressively powerful, with deliciously rumbly vibrations. Especially the Tango, d-d-dang. (Read my review.)

WOW Tech / We-Vibe Romp Hype

An astonishingly affordable, rumbly vibrator with extra reach.

Don't be fooled by the Hype's basic appearance. This vibrator is LEGIT. Rumbly, shockingly powerful, and absurdly inexpensive. I love it for external stimulation -- the elongated shape helps me access my clit without reaching, and the firmness requires no extra pressure. Oh yeah, and it lasts 2.5 frickin' hours on a charge! (Read my review.)

Liberator Wedge + Throw

Upgrade your sex life with a supportive pillow and waterproof blanket.

Sex positions are infinitely better -- and oh my god, easier -- with the Wedge. With a core made of furniture-grade foam, it's far more supportive and stable than a pile of pillows. The Throw, a magical waterproof blanket, is another staple. It'll catch any liquid I throw (or squirt) at it. (Read my review.)

BMS Pillow Talk Racy

A wee little toy that kinda rules.

Like its larger counterpart, Sassy, the bullet-sized Racy rises above the competition for a few reasons: its accessible price, its nice vibrations, and its continuum of vibration intensities. Imagine not being confined to 3-5 settings! Other toys are flashier, but the Racy gets the job done well at an unbeatable price.

LELO Mona 2

Versatile as fuck, with a shape that fits between the labia like a dream.

Here's a long-time favorite of mine that is only worth buying during Black Friday when it doesn't cost a fortune. The well-rounded Mona 2 feels awesome both internally and externally. Its wide range of vibration intensities suit my genitals' any mood, and it holds a charge extremely well. (Read my review.)

PalmPower Extreme

An adjustable, super-powered wand to finish you off ASAP.

Speaking of adjustable vibrations, here's a WAND that has them! The PalmPower Extreme is ergonomically angled, lasts 2.4 hours on a charge, and brings the vibrations in a big way. It's not quite Magic Wand Rechargeable intensity, but close, and the motor is satisfyingly rumbly. (Read my review.)

SheVibe -- up to 25% off everything

BEST FOR: one-stop shopping, especially for stuff like the Magic Wand Rechargeable and much-loved brands such as Vixen, Uberrime, NY Toy Collective, Chakrubs, Crystal Delights, Pris Toys, SelfDelve, and Hole Punch.

SheVibe is my favorite online shop EVER. Ever ever ever. Not only is it run by amazing, supportive people, their selection is also super comprehensive and virtually unparalleled. It's a one-stop-shopping locale for sure. Get 15% off sitewide with no minimum, or enjoy bigger savings if you buy more:

• 15% off sitewide (no minimum) with code QUEEN
• 20% off orders $125+ and free US shipping with code QUEEN
• 25% off orders $350+ and free US shipping with code QUEEN

As you can see, it's best to spend over $125 to get the higher discount, so now's the time to pick up a spendy but glorious toy such as the Magic Wand Rechargeable, Fun Factory Stronic, or Doxy Wand. If you get just a couple of my favorite things, you'll probably enter the $125+ threshold. Like the Pure Wand + Throw for squirting magic, or Joque harness + Splendid for epic strap-on play!

SheVibe has a very wide selection of Vixen, Liberator, NY Toy Collective, and Uberrime. They also stock less common brands such as Chakrubs, Pris Toys, SelfDelve, Hole Punch, Deep Fantasies, Fuze, and Uncover Creations. Browse away!

Peepshow Toys -- up to 55% off my faves + 20% off everything

BEST FOR: anyone wanting a sweeping discount, honestly. Nearly the best prices anywhere on many toys, including the Pure Wand, Sassy, Magic Wand Rechargeable, Magic Wand Mini, Tango X and Touch X, and much more.

I went balls to the wall again with Peepshow Toys: we set up Epiphora-exclusive deals on a bunch of my favorites! The discounts are staggering -- up to 55% off, making these prices so good that few shops on this page can match them.

The cherry on top: there are storewide savings too! Get 20% off your entire purchase (or 25% off if you spend $325+) through Sunday 12/8 EST, no code needed. This sale ensures you a sweet deal on the Magic Wand Rechargeable ($104) and Magic Wand Mini ($61).

Check the blowout deals for deeper discounts and browse my favorites page for ideas. Here are my exclusive deals:

• Piph's Uberrime Uno: $49 -- savings of $21
• Piph's Uberrime Splendid Piph: $68 -- savings of $41
• njoy Pure Wand: $88 -- savings of $32
• njoy Pure Plugs: $45-60 -- savings of $15-20
• BMS Pillow Talk Sassy: $36 -- savings of $33
• Satisfyer Pro 2: $50 -- savings of $20
• We-Vibe Tango X and Touch X: $54 and $71 -- savings of $25 and $28
• BMS Pillow Talk Racy: $35 -- savings of $15
• PalmPower Extreme: $69 -- savings of $36
• Bundle: njoy Pure Wand + Womanizer Classic 2: $175 -- savings of $75
• Bundle: njoy Pure Wand + We-Vibe Tango X: $170 -- savings of $29
• Bundle: We-Vibe Touch X + BMS Pillow Talk Sassy: $107 -- savings of $61
• Bundle: We-Vibe Touch X + BMS Pillow Talk Racy: $100 -- savings of $44

Hop on this, yo. It's good shit. Through Sunday 12/8 EST or while supplies last.

Fun Factory

I'm afraid I have incredibly depressing news this year. My favorite sex toy company, Fun Factory, was purchased by Satisfyer, who promptly closed Fun Factory's longstanding affiliate program, cutting off a significant source of income for me (and other bloggers). I don't want to fear monger, because I don't know for sure, but considering Fun Factory's site is suddenly "under reconstruction," I'm not hopeful they will continue the product line as it exists today. So if you're interested in a Fun Factory toy (and you should be -- they're fantastic), please shop with SheVibe or Spectrum Boutique.

It's so easy to recommend Fun Factory toys. I'm forever obsessed with the Volta (SV, Spectrum), which is easily my favorite vibrator Fun Factory makes. The self-thrusting Stronic toys (SV, Spectrum) stroke my G-spot with incredible ease, and you know I am ALL ABOUT that life. The Bootie (SV, Spectrum) is my top silicone butt plug, I enjoy the odd sensations of the Bouncer (SV), and the Tiger (SV, Spectrum) and Big Boss (SV, Spectrum) are impressively powerful vibrators for your money.

INTERNATIONAL

Lovehoney (worldwide) -- up to 70% off

BEST FOR: amazing prices on We-Vibe and Womanizer, plus dirt cheap toybox staples.

Popular worldwide sex toy shop Lovehoney is giving my peeps an additional 15% off their sale, which features products up to 70% off, through 1/12. Visit my landing page to receive the additional 15% off, or use code EPIPHORA15.

The best sale items are from We-Vibe, Womanizer, and Lovehoney. Thanks to this discount stacking, you can score the Tango X for $54 and the Touch X for $67. The Womanizer Pro40, a solid and well-designed air flow toy, is just $68. Plus, many of Lovehoney's already-affordable products are now shockingly cheap -- round out your toybox with these rad kegel balls ($15), a cute silicone dildo ($23), and a glass dildo set ($31 for TWO DILDOS!).

• Lovehoney US: additional 15% off (code EPIPHORA15) / sale items
• Lovehoney Canada: additional 15% off / sale items
• Lovehoney UK: additional 15% off / sale items
• Lovehoney EU: additional 15% off / sale items
• Lovehoney Australia: additional 15% off / sale items
• Lovehoney New Zealand: additional 15% off / sale items

By the way: We-Vibe and Womanizer also ship to the US, Canada, UK, and Europe, and they have a free toy offer that's pretty amazing!

Spectrum Boutique -- up to 60% off top brands

BEST FOR: anything you desire from top brands.

Spectrum Boutique is a rad sex shop dedicated to body-safe toys and radical inclusion. Their curated selection is extremely on point, and for Black Friday, they're slashing prices on a bazillion popular brands, with savings of up to 60% off. Another reason to shop with Spectrum? Their loyalty program awards you points for every dollar spent.

Here are the notable brands on sale. Visit their sale page for all the included items (click "filters" to filter by brand), or check out their FAQ for specific details.

• 25% off Magic Wand (thru 12/2 with code ITSMAGIC)
• 30% off Je Joue (thru 12/2)
• 20% off Fun Factory (thru 12/8), We-Vibe and Womanizer (thru 12/24), LELO (thru 12/8)
• 25% off Liberator (thru 12/2) and Le Wand (thru 12/6)
• Up to 60% off Dame (thru 12/2)
• 15-40% off Tenga (thru 12/2)

Womanizer + We-Vibe -- up to 50% off + free high-end toy!

BEST FOR: a rad deal on Womanizer and We-Vibe toys. I mean, that's obvious. But these companies make excellent stuff.

Been wanting something from Womanizer or We-Vibe? Shopping directly with them snags you up to 50% off their toys, with an incredible free gift:

• Spend over $200 at Womanizer or We-Vibe and receive a FREE high-end We-Vibe or Womanizer toy (you can choose which one by visiting your cart -- right now there are toys worth over $100!)

Plus, get an extra 10% off with code TAKE10. Because these companies are one in the same, you can purchase both product lines on either site, and they ship to the US, Canada, UK, and Europe. Hooray!

When it comes to Womanizer products, the Pro40 is my top pick because it strikes the best balance between size, shape, and price, and it's only $67 in this sale! But if you want the fanciest, the Classic 2 and Premium 2 boast luxury features and optimized air flow stimulation.

As for We-Vibe, the Tango X and Touch X are some of the rumbliest mini vibes out there, and the Rave 2 is a wonderfully versatile G-spottin' toy with long-distance functionality. I'm also a fan of the Pivot cock ring and ergonomic rabbit vibe Nova 2.

Tantus -- 50% off Tantus toys

BEST FOR: really cheap silicone dildos and butt plugs, such as the Magma ($26!), Acute ($21!), and Ryder ($19!).

Silicone wonders can be yours with 50% off all Tantus toys, through Sunday 12/1, with code SBW50. It's the perfect time to stock up on quality dildos and plugs that'll last you a lifetime!

Tantus makes many things I love. My favorite anal toys are the Ryder, Neo, and Juice (all less than $19) and the Ripple Small ($16) is a lovely intro to anal beads. Some excellent Tantus dildos that have received my stamp of approval: Magma, Cush O2, Echo, Goddess, Acute, and Sport. The Super Soft C Ring is also rad.

Lovense -- up to 60% off

BEST FOR: high-tech sexual exploration.

Lovense are the kings of the interactive sex toy game. Their toys have long been favorites for cam models, as they're fully integrated with camming platforms and can react to tips. Lovense's toys are getting even more high-tech now. I haven't tried all the fancy features, but I can vouch for the solid motors in the Ambi and Exomoon, and the Osci 2 is a fun foray into internal stimulation.

Through Tuesday 12/3, get up to 60% off select products, or 55% off if you buy at least 2 toys.

LELO -- up to 60% off

BEST FOR: the lowest prices on LELO toys, especially the widely-loved Mona 2.

LELO's offering varying discounts on many of their toys for Black Friday, up to 60% off. I wouldn't recommend most of their toys these days, with one notable exception: the Mona 2. The Mona 2 is a timeless classic with an extremely versatile shape, infinitely adjustable vibrations, and a battery that never seems to die.

Crystal Delights -- 25% off everything + free gift

BEST FOR: gorgeous glass dildos and anal toys -- plus a free gift!

An incredible deal from my very favorite glassmakers! Use code 25BFCM24 to get 25% off everything at Crystal Delights, plus a free gift with orders over $100, through Monday 12/2. How can you resist such a thing?! Answer: you can't, and shouldn't!

Everything Crystal Delights creates is a work of art, but how the toys feel is even better. They make both of my all-time favorite glass dildos, the beautimous Crystal Twist and bumpy Star Delight, as well as gorgeous butt plugs, some with fluffy animal tails, others with fantastically-colored tails. Their Funfetti Plug is a rainbow kaleidoscope of joy, the Sparkle Plug glimmers for miles, and the Galaxy Plug dazzles with intergalactic charm.

Sliquid -- ~35% off everything

BEST FOR: stocking up on super discounted lube and body products!

Sliquid is my favorite lube ever. Stock up on lube -- and other body products -- with their sale! Through Monday 12/2, get an amazing ~35% off at Sliquid with code EPIPHORA10. (Their sale is 25% off storewide, then my code takes off an additional 10%.) That means 2 oz bottles of my water-based faves H2O and Sassy are only $7!

I love Sliquid because they make products with ingredients you can trust, including tons of lube -- water-based, oil-based, silicone-based, hybrid, and flavored -- as well as body products such as massage oil, bubble bath, intimate wash, shaving cream, and toy cleaner.

Doxy -- 30% off everything

BEST FOR: industrial-grade wand vibrators, with fancy customization options.

Doxy is a brand that stays in its lane: producing the most heavy-duty, powerful wands to ever exist. They aren't cheap, though, so this 30% off sale makes a big difference. Buying directly from Doxy gives you the opportunity to customize your toy, from body design to head color. Use code DOXYVIP through Tuesday 12/3 to get 30% off!

Fleshlight -- up to 20% off everything

BEST FOR: legendary penis toys, straight from the source, with build-your-own options.

Fleshlight is the gold standard when it comes to penis strokers. There are about a million styles to choose from, from basic orifices to extremely detailed porn star vulvas, lips, and butts, and a wide array of internal textures. There's even a build-your-own option. Fleshlight also produces realistic dildos modeled after porn performers.

Get up to 20% off at Fleshlight and and their gay site, Fleshjack, through Wednesday 11/29.

• 10% off orders over $99
• 15% off orders over $199
• 20% off orders over $249 + free mystery sleeve!

Porn, porn, porn!

BEST FOR: horn dogs with good taste!

Get 15% off any subscription to queer porn site CrashPadSeries.com with code PIPHBF! Arguably one of the greatest queer porn sites on the internet, Crash Pad documents hotties of all flavors sexing it up in beautifully-shot harmony. With over 400 episodes to peruse, Crash Pad is a one-of-a-kind membership site that will affirm your identity AND make you wanna masturbate.

If you're looking for a smorgasbord of indie, feminist, and queer porn, join PinkLabel.tv and get 15% off your membership there with code PIPHBF. It's like the Netflix of indie porn, featuring 2,500 videos from independent adult filmmakers around the world for you to stream whenever you want!

Round out your porn bank by subscribing to AdultTime, which is as low as $8.95/month in their Black Friday sale! This mega site, which I've been subscribed to for years, grants you access to over 300 channels, 55,000 scenes, and 8 releases per day. Notable directors include Sinn Sage, Bree Mills (Girlsway, Pure Taboo, Transfixed, Shape of Beauty, True Lesbian), Joanna Angel (Burning Angel, Lady Gonzo), and even classic Tristan Taormino (Chemistry, Rough Sex, Expert Guide).

2010

Cherry-Scented Vibro Dong

(with site re-design) (wrap-up)

Writing a fake review of one of the most horrifying sex toys on the market was an obvious choice for a first April Fool's Day joke, but really it was an excuse for me to dig into the code of my site and absolutely ruin it.

On March 31st, 2010, I was on vacation with my parents. I hadn't yet come out to them about having a sex blog, so deploying the new code had to be a clandestine operation. I pulled the trigger at the stroke of midnight from a Starbucks in Kihei, Maui. I felt powerful, exhilarated.

My site was suddenly drenched in pink, with a dizzying .GIF background, Comic Sans and Comic Sans only, and an overwhelming header image featuring exclusively awful (but very real) sex toys, like anal beads with spikes. Somehow I knew exactly which toy to "review": an enormous bright red jelly dildo (wait, dong) that off-gassed so strongly the manufacturers tried to cover it up with a fake cherry scent.

In my review, aside from aggressively referring to the dildo with he/him pronouns, I fawned over the most repugnant of features, like smell ("OMG, it reminded me of cherry blossoms on a beautiful walk in the park"), material ("I love how sticky his 'skin' [lol] is, it makes me think of eating drippy ice cream on a hot day"), and appearance ("he looks more like beautiful decor than a scandalous toy!! Youre grandma wont even notice").

The worst and also best sentence in the review? "He always leaves his husky scent on my hands to remind me of our sexy escapades!!!"

Unlike later April Fool's jokes, I didn't actually masturbate with this atrocity, nor have I ever seen it in real life. Over a decade later, you'd hope it'd be eradicated from planet earth, but no, it's READILY AVAILABLE on Amazon. Thing's like a fucking cockroach. A cherry-scented cockroach.

back to list ↑

2011

~*~*~*~* Adult intimate product review!! *~*~*~*~

(with site re-design) (wrap-up)

Somewhat derivative and borderline insensitive, my joke for the next year also involved a total design overhaul. Except WORSE. I went harder. I made things illegible as shit. I hand-crafted a clipart nightmare of a header, peppered the site with obnoxious .GIFs, and wrote a review from the perspective of a mommy blogger. It was an exaggerated, cartoonish depiction, but one based in truth.

To pull everything together, the site auto-played a janky MIDI version of "Truly Madly Deeply," which still makes me spit my coffee out:

You have to understand what a weird world it was for blogs at this time. I would see mommy blogs like this -- eye-searing designs, godawful writing -- and then discover that somehow, that blogger was sent a free sex toy in exchange for a review. HOW?! I was personally offended. Back then, I read so many excessively positive, male-gaze-y reviews. I wanted to rebel against the pervasive straightness, the performative sexiness, and the constant centering of one's "hubby."

So I inhabited a character, I played a role. I became, for 400 words, excruciatingly heterosexual.

In my review of a pink dolphin-shaped finger vibe, I employed clichés from my 15 rules for writing a sex toy review that doesn't royally suck, such as praising the toy's ability to stimulate the nipples, using bizarre euphemisms, and just generally being sickeningly coy. I expressed a psychotic level of excitement, as if this puny, rubbery piece of junk was the world's foremost orgasmic tool. Maybe even a marriage saver!

My review asked an important question: "what girl doesn't love dolphins???" And as was common for the era, I related everything back to my husband: "hubby says I looked super hot when he used this toy on me . . . ladies, I know your man might be intimidated at first but just reassure him that his manhood is unreplaceable."

At the end of the post, I signed off with a 1999 flourish:

And that was the first, last, and only time I'll have a hubby.

My mocking of mommy bloggers struck a nerve with one reader. They commented angrily, derisively calling me and my followers "dong worshippers." I want to genuinely thank that person for bestowing upon us such a perfect and enduring moniker. I've used it, gleefully, ever since.

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2012

A few changes around here

If 2010 and 2011 were my maximalism period, in 2012 I purposefully swung the other way. I was significantly more subtle, more sly. I wanted a chance you'd fall for the joke. So I didn't re-design my site, I simply published a matter-of-fact post announcing some "upcoming changes" to my blog. And this time, it was written in my voice.

With a careful earnestness and nonchalant tone crafted to obscure the joke, I outlined plans to review products I'd previously written off, such as camo-printed penis weights, misogynistic ebooks, and a sickly yellow jizz towel. (Embroidery upon request -- they recommend names and wedding dates.)

My business model was also evolving. Going forward, I explained casually, 50% of my posts would be sponsored content written by others. It was like an announcement I was selling my soul.

"As a result of these changes," I explained, "the space for actual posts on my blog will need to become smaller -- probably around 200 pixels wide to make room for the sidebar ads and links. Don't worry, the posts will still be legible when copy/pasted into Word."

back to list ↑

2013

The Joy Ride

(with site re-design) (wrap-up)

"A product so revolutionary, it'll make you long for the next traffic jam."

Born in a hotel room at a conference with my friend Lorax, the Joy Ride was inspired by crowdfunding campaigns for bizarre sex devices that never needed to exist. We spent hours brainstorming the perfect product that seemed plausible yet wholly unnecessary, and the result was the Joy Ride: a car seat cover with an O-ring sewn into the seat... for mounting a dildo.

The dildo options, which we called "Cogs," were direct rip-offs of existing toys and made of "hand-dipped Japanese silicone." (That's not a thing.) The fabric swatches offered a variety of gaudy customization options ("you'll be riding in style and be the envy of your friends"), while the cuffs offered the distinct possibility of death ("the thrill of danger has never been so close!").

The part that really makes me fall off my chair is the Privacy Blanket, a pathetic-looking grey cloth you drape over your lap for discretion.

On April 1st, 2013, my whole blog became an advertisement for this disaster, with a realistic Indiegogo-esque sidebar where it appeared $548 had already been donated to the campaign. I sent out a newsletter, Lorax wrote a post, I tweeted excitedly about our new invention... we committed to the bit.

To seal the deal -- since most crowdfunding campaigns had videos to accompany them -- I composed a cinematic masterpiece with stock footage alone. I used blooming flowers and fireworks to signify orgasm, highly original metaphors, and had a friend do the voiceover. Then I asked my partner to compose a piece of music that sounded like the combination of a tampon, yogurt, and mini van commercial, complete with orgasmic crescendo.

When we listed the available Perks, no detail was spared. Each had its own outrageous reward. If you donated $1, we would thank you by "traveling to the beach, writing your name in the sand, and watching as the waves wash it away." For $1,000, I would "grace your household with [my] presence long enough to pet your cats and then depart, leaving your felines in a state of bliss for at least the next 72 hours."

Big spenders could contribute $2,500 for something even more special: "we will personally place five Joy Rides in a time capsule for your future grandchildren and bury them in a secret location. We will carefully monitor the whereabouts of your grandchildren, and when they are of appropriate age, we'll send them discreet directions to dig up this supreme treasure."

Some people did fall for this joke. A handful gently questioned the safety of using handcuffs and a dildo while driving a car, trying not to offend me by insinuating my precious creation was a bad idea. Another person reblogged it on Tumblr: "why the fuck is this a thing that exists."

This joke was a delight, executed to perfection, and just dumb enough to still make me laugh a decade later. Especially this part: "For the dudes out there, we've got something really special in mind. It's called the Cruize Control, and it's a steering-column mount for your favorite plastic-cased masturbation sleeve. That's right -- now you don't have to compensate."

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2014

Say hi to my new sponsors!

In 2014 I asked the question, "if I were really famous, which companies would I get to sponsor my life?" It was conceivable that I could hook up with a few brands outside the sex toy industry. I pretended that Taco Bell DMed me first (thanking me for my vocal support) and that Converse let me design my own Epiphora-themed pair of shoes. I pretended it was a normal thing to be sponsored by a paper towel company and evoked the hilarious image of my garage filled to the brim with a "lifetime supply."

I claimed to have reached out to additional brands, like Camelbak and uni-ball, only to be denied. "The Jetstream is my all-time favorite pen," I wrote, "but considering I'm writing this with a computer, [uni-ball was] not interested. 'Contact us in the future if you decide to handwrite your blog on papyrus.'"

My favorite thing about this post is just how much of it is a time capsule of that period in my life. Not only do I have a different favorite pen now, I barely drink booze anymore and I've been abandoning Converse in favor of shoes with actual arch support. (A switch I eerily prophesied in my April Fool's post, as I joked Converse's sponsorship should "cover the medical bill for my future flat foot problems.")

My love for Taco Bell, though? Timeless.

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2015

Video review: Princessa

(wrap-up)

Watch on YouTube here (includes captions).

It was a big deal for me to show my face on the internet. Still kinda is. I waited until the time was right. In year six of my jokes, I embarked upon a project I'd been contemplating for years: a video review of something awful.

I was careful in selecting a toy. The Princessa, a vibrator from a line called "The Girls," was perfect. It was from a reputable company, but everything else about it was... off. I mean, look at it. Why? Why is it like that?

I was so happy when it gave me the worst orgasm of my life. I could not have chosen a shittier toy. To this day, it's one of the least pleasurable things I've ever put against my clit. "I forced myself to get off with it," I explained in the video, "because I'm dedicated to my craft."

I had a nefarious plan: to lull you into a false sense of comfort at the beginning of the video. Nothing is amiss, at first, until it increasingly is. The editing gets sloppier. My voice randomly warps. Cringy sound effects pop up, like a fucking neighing horse (?!). I say perplexing things, like "a lot of women wouldn't even buy a vibrator if they didn't feel like it could be their bestie" (?!).

The background music starts audibly falling apart right when I say the toy could be good for nipple stimulation. (Echoes of my 2011 joke.)

And then it gets worse...

My goal was a video that devolved into chaos and confusion. And honestly, I think I nailed it. It's a 12-minute journey of visual delights and absurd quips. I have a fond memory of sitting on my couch in front of my camera, getting purposefully tipsy and allowing myself to just start railing against the toy. It was so much fun.

To bookend my masterpiece, my partner wrote an ICONIC jingle for me (cleverly rhyming "forewarn ya" with "discerning vagina"), and we ended the video with a karaoke version of the song, which he slur-sang. I mean, come on, that's amazing.

If you can get stoned while watching this, PLEASE do. You won't regret it.

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2016

Tiny dildos

(wrap-up)

Sometimes lightning strikes, and the perfect April Fool's Day joke just hits you. In 2016, it happened in a hot tub with my mom. We were snowed in at her place, and my growing collection of mini dildos came up in conversation. It'd been 6 years since I snuck away from my family to launch my first joke, and a lot had changed. I'd come out to them about my blog in 2012. My mom was now fully aware, invested, and excited like a puppy to help me brainstorm ideas.

It was comic gold, and we knew it: I'd masturbate with these teeny weeny, matchstick-length dildos, then write about it as if that was a normal thing to do.

It was an experience, one so unique the descriptions really wrote themselves. It felt "like jamming silly putty up my vagina," "like fucking myself with a birthday candle," and, when I bundled a handful together, "like being fucked by a wee pile of firewood."

Most people know it as the year I played vaginal chubby bunny, loading up my vag with tiny dildo after tiny dildo. I won't ruin the surprise and tell you how many I fit in there, but I will say I pushed myself to my limit. I gave it my all.

When pleasure proved impossible, I tried to find alternative uses for the little dildos, and I went full-on ridiculous.

"They're not heavy enough to be paperweights and not large enough to be doorstops," I wrote. "But they fit pretty well in nostrils, if you can find a good reason to do that. Maybe murder?" My best idea: cake toppers for a dessert commemorating your first gangbang.

I missed one glaring use, though: cat toys. Several of my rascals have enjoyed stealing them off my desk and tousling with them. My current kitty even tosses them in the air with his paws, biting at them on the way down. His happiness definitely surpasses mine. All I got was an over-stuffed, under-pleasured vagina.

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2017

Cat takeover

(with site re-design) (wrap-up)

View on a computer to enjoy the red laser dot cursor!

I wasn't sure if it was too weird to focus on cats for a sex blog April Fool's Day joke. There was little relevance to the subject matter, and occasionally I get a hate comment about mixing animals and sex toys, but I said fuck it. And I'm so glad I did. My 2017 cat takeover is an amazing homage to my beloved babies, one that I really treasure. It's also fucking hysterical.

My three cats, jealous of my fame, took over my blog. Boris, my hairless child, called the shots. "Today is very special day on blog," he wrote in the introduction. "For I have hacked into human's computer machine. I have done necessary updating of website. Is good? Of course is. It is all cat, as should be. Remember, we own you."

This one put all my other re-designs to shame. It was like an immersive art experience, with a soft fleece background image, red laser dot cursor, three purr tracks to listen to, and of course, the blog post itself. That day I was also tweeting in my cats' voices, vacillating between Chowder's silliness, Boris' stoicism, and Tessa's disdain.

The blog sidebar featured ads I designed, feline-themed sex toys, links to internet cats, and a long section of gibberish. (The cats had walked all over the keyboard.)

It made sense, barely, to have the cats "review" sex toys. Chowder, the doofus, submitted an exclamation-point-laden homage to packaging. "I cannot believe, the human throws them away every time it comes in mail!! she peel it off and discard! OMG! why!!! they are the best part!!! They feel so good on my tongue!!" (His nickname wasn't "the plastic pervert" for nothing.)

Boris focused mostly on sex blankets, warming vibrators, and twisty ties. "All should aspire to be me," he bragged. "I am pure unadulterated cat. The essence of cat. I do not need fur. Fur only weighs down."

Tessa, too snooty and modest for it all, essentially refused to review anything. An icon. A queen. "Objects of such filth hold no appeal to me," she wrote. "As I have no control over the situation, I re-frame the items in my mind. I consider them summoning devices which lure the human into bed."

I leave you with the wonderful sounds of my kitties in their happiest states.

Boris -- low and robust

Chowdy -- heavy breathing and snorting

Tessa -- a perfect purr from a perfect girl

View on a computer to enjoy the red laser dot cursor!

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2018

Piph Lube

(wrap-up)

I always wanted to do a fake product on a real retailer's site, so in 2018 I teamed up with SheVibe to create my own branded lube, and it KICKED ASS. With the enigmatic tagline radically stimulating, Piph Lube was a water-based lubricant with five unique ingredients chosen for their psychoactive properties. Also, it was full of glitter, but that was okay, because it was totally body-safe! Trust me!

Piph Lube was formulated with certified Portland rain water, diverted off the roof of the PDX airport and filtered for impurities. "I'm not saying you're going to grow a beard after using this lube," I wrote, "but I also can't say you won't -- we didn't have enough time to study the long-term physical effects."

I spoke at length about the difficulty of landing on the perfect formula. "Too much cannabis and folks reported being more excited about ordering Domino's than having orgasms," I explained. "Too much caffeine and testers found themselves up until 3 am reading about unsolved murder cases. We had to tweak the portion of queer magic a few times, after some testers said they felt 'stuck in a loop of all communication and no sex.'"

We also had to filter out stray cat hairs.

SheVibe designed the fabulous Piph Lube label, which was 100% necessary because I could never create such a convincing graphic. Photos, though, I could do. I bought hair gel to use as lube, then added glitter to it.

I also roped my friend Kate into the joke, paying her to write a review of Piph Lube on her blog, published April 1st.

To fully sell the lie, SheVibe was able to make the lube available to purchase on their site -- or so it seemed. When you tried to add the product to your cart, the truth was revealed. And more than a few of you felt deflated.

Despite having been involved in my jokes for years, this one truly fooled my mom. She started frantically texting me about making an order. It broke my heart a little to tell her the truth, but I also felt devilishly victorious. Several folks wrote to me asking for samples. One particular triumph of this joke: Nina Hartley herself was fooled.

It really is too bad Piph Lube isn't possible. Maybe someday we'll figure out how to add glitter to lube safely, but that day is not today.

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2019

Vintage vibrators

For my 10th year, I went ALL the fuck OUT -- and ended up with one of the best posts I've ever written for this blog. It wasn't even a joke, it was an in-depth research project about the history of vibrators that included me masturbating with three vintage vibes. The oldest, from 1925, was powered by screwing the end into a lightbulb socket. "I love this vibrator with every fiber of my being," I wrote. "Just thinking about how extremely not alive I was at that time is exciting to me."

I scoured eBay for months beforehand, waiting for the perfect vibrators to turn up, and the wait was worth it when I came upon the ancient Polar Cub Electric Vibrator and its still-functional lightbulb socket situation. That, along with the '50s era Vanguard Vibro-Massager and '60s era Oster Massagett, rounded out my line-up.

The original idea was to jack off with some wacky olden days vibrators and relay my hijinks, but I couldn't stop there. It was too tempting to dig deeper, to find out more about the people who invented these things, which strange maladies they claimed to cure, etc. And the stories were WILD. I went down so many internet rabbit holes.

And yes, my masturbatory experiences with the antique vibrators provided plenty of fodder for laughs. Especially the 100-year-old Polar Cub, the black vibe with a handle, which emitted a loud whirring noise and produced a warm mechanical smell. Nonetheless, it was actually a good vibrator. Powerful and pinpoint, I could get off with it in under 5 minutes. I had several orgasms with it while watching porn from the '20s. (I'm all about historical accuracy.)

The Polar Cub was far superior to the other two vintage vibes, lightyears better than the Princessa, and more satisfying than a good number of 21st century vibrators... until the wiring came loose and it died.

Miraculously, years later, a reader emailed me and offered to replace the plug with a modern day version. And now the Polar Cub works!

In fact, an hour ago, I had another orgasm with it -- in celebration, in tribute, and because I fucking can. The distinctive mechanical smell has become a symbol: so much history, all funneled against my clit. The origins of what would catalyze my career. Carol Queen once said to me, "you may be the last remaining person on earth who got orgasms from a Polar Cub!"

Music to my ears.

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2020

Are you my next Dildo Butler?

Masturbation being my job has been the butt of the joke (vagina of the joke?) since the beginning of time. There are very real workplace hazards, such as space-invading cats, dying vibrators, and lubey fingers on keyboards. Then there's the aftermath: so so so many dirty sex toys. For years, I joked about wanting a dildo butler to clean up after me.

So in 2020, I solicited applications.

I called for candidates who could stand by (in another room, respectfully) during my sessions to wait on my every need. To bring me masturbation-appropriate snacks, like baby carrots and shelled pistachios; to replenish goods in the event of a lube or sex toy shortage; and to wash everything afterward, charge it, and return it to its rightful place.

I studied actual job listings to pick up quasi-professional lingo, twisting it for my purposes. I described the role of Dildo Butler as "a multi-faceted personal assistant type position that blends elements of hospitality with administrative and creative work . . . you will be responsible for working all non-recreational masturbation sessions."

Qualifications included a typing speed of at least 75 words per minute and "comfort interacting with human liquids, including ejaculation and menstrual blood." In large font I yelled "MASTURBATING WHILE ON THE CLOCK IS EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN."

Capturing photos for the Dildo Butler post was harder than it may appear. First, I had to source tuxedo gloves and a gold platter. Then, I chose toys that looked good together and stood upright. My partner donned the outfit and I composed the main shot -- him balancing the platter on his fingers, spread wide, with a towel and charging cord draped over his arm.

I stood precariously on the bed, clutching my DSLR and trying to quickly frame the photo. I needed to shift the dildos. Smooth out the towel. Rearrange the charging cord. Not fall off the bed. My partner's arm got tired, so he had to keep taking breaks. It was a tiresome process, but you can't deny the flawlessness of the result.

Extra special thanks to the person who actually submitted an application. It was so detailed, too. For one of their skills, they claimed to have an acute sense of when a cat is about to "turn from angel to gremlin." The phrase has stuck in my brain ever since. I'd hire them.

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2021

Piph Libs™

Piph Libs™ is my only joke that truly gives back to you, my people, and I love it for that.

I've been into mad libs since I was a kid, and I'm also a board game fiend. (Ask me about my favorite games and I will give you a novel. Choosing just three for those links was painful.) In 2021, as a kind of personal challenge, I put on my nerdiest glasses and invented my own version of mad libs.

Creative, dorky, and rip-roaring funny, I billed Piph Libs™ as "the latest party game to play with your perverted friends, with stories all about masturbation, sex shops, porn, sex parties, squirting, and other X-rated hijinks! Eight titillating stories available in both online and printable form, so you can play however you desire. Fun for (not at all) the whole family!"

I could've created four. I could've done six. But I made eight, a whole game night's worth of stories, such as "Straight Man in a Sex Shop on Valentine's Day" and "So You Wanna Be a Dildo Collector."

There was more to it, of course, than simply writing the mad lib stories. There was designing the print-out version. There was setting up the online version. Did I have to do both? Of course not! But I'm me. I can't be stopped. You should know this by now.

• Piph Libs™ #1 — online / print-out ⭐️
• Piph Libs™ #2 — online / print-out ⭐️
• Piph Libs™ #3 — online / print-out
• Piph Libs™ #4 — online / print-out ⭐️
• Piph Libs™ #5 — online / print-out
• Piph Libs™ #6 — online / print-out
• Piph Libs™ #7 — online / print-out
• Piph Libs™ #8 — online / print-out

The online version was a complicated and technical endeavor, but I was bound and determined to create the best experience possible. I achieved it using Autocrat, setting up a Google Form for each Piph Lib™ which, when submitted, would generate a beautifully-formatted document with the words filled in, emailed directly to the creator.

For shits and giggles, here are some memorable moments from Piph Libs™ I've personally filled out.

• I'll admit, I'm particular about my porn. I can't get off to just anything on SNOPES.COM.
• If a TSA agent asks you about your sex toys, don't MURDER — just UPSETTINGLY explain what they are. The agent is likely to DISEMBOWEL the conversation once they realize the item in question has been inside your BRAIN.
• The man has already POURED his credit card onto the counter, along with a BEIGE, FLOPPY DISK-operated vibrator. It's certainly not the most GENUINE choice for a Valentine's Day gift. He only picked it because it seemed HUGE. "This toy is made of MOLECULES," the associate explains while running his card, "so be sure to use a KETCHUP-based lube..."
• Don't forget to recharge your vibrators on a DEFIANT basis -- otherwise you run the risk of one AVENGING on you mid-orgasm.

I'll let you in on a little secret about the online Piph Libs™: they're generated by my account, so I can see all the completed ones. I don't snoop, usually, not beyond noticing a couple of your chosen words (always fucking hilarious), but man does it make my heart flutter to see that Piph Libs™ are still being enjoyed. I envision people filling them out and cackling -- and that image is worth all the work.

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2022

Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

I thought it'd be funny to present my life as if I were ~out in the field~. As if I were tracking rare birds, engaging in groundbreaking research, or conducting important investigations. As if all along, my entire career, I'd been audio recording my masturbation notes onto cassette tapes, labeling them with the date, and cataloging them like a serial killer. (It's not fully unlike me.)

"Today I'm releasing exclusive tapes from last month's masturbatory adventures," I wrote on April 1st, 2022. "These are my intimate audio notes from out in the field -- 31 days of squirting, porn-ogling, blogging, and all manner of indecent sex acts. Think of it as an aural captain's log, or a very unusual podcast. It's like This American Life, but with orgasms."

This was a complex joke to pull off. First, it hinged on me finding a cassette player of a certain style. The gods truly smiled upon me the day I went hunting for one. I walked in the thrift store, tromped directly to the electronics section, and there it was, like a glowing object in a video game. It was only $12. If I hadn't found a tape player that day, this joke probably never would've existed. I was that fixated on it.

Choosing sex toys was like casting a movie. I lined up diverse and unusual things to masturbate with in the months leading up to April Fool's, such as an ejaculating dildo, a mouth-shaped penis stroker (my plan: wear a strap-on and fuck the mouth), and vulva stimulators made of 98% water (?!). I also stayed on the outdoorsy theme with the Rose, Snail Vibe, and WaterSlyde.

I recorded audio notes with my phone for weeks. I dramatically announced the start and end times of my masturbation sessions, plus orgasm count, as if gathering significant data. I even masturbated with my vintage vibrator from 1925, an ingenious homage to my past joke.

I ended up with an overwhelming 2.25 hours of raw audio.

Editing, of course, took a very long time. I applied an effect to the audio that made it sound like a winding old cassette tape, then added a few easter eggy background clips, such as cat purrs and the Joy Ride commercial. For no reason except to make myself laugh, I used a legendary Big Brother speech during the part where I swallowed weird sex pills.

Then I shot corresponding photos and video, whole projects of their own.

The audio journal allowed me to riff on the absurdity of my job while giving you an honest glimpse into what it's like. It was one of my most intensive jokes, but it also showcases my skills and talents in a pretty cool way -- serving as a testament to the lengths I'm willing to go.

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2023

Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

The idea to jack off with fruits and veggies had been percolating in my mind for years. I'd never experimented with using household objects as dildos before. I was tickled by the thought of picking out my desired shape of yam. I knew the produce held secrets, just like the tiny dildos did: unusual sensations only ascertainable through experience. War stories.

I wanted to do this joke in 2020, but then COVID happened and I decided on the Dildo Butler instead. 3 years later, when it was clear we no longer needed to feverishly wipe down our groceries, I set out on my ill-advised quest to determine the most pleasurable fruits and vegetables.

I detailed the whole journey, starting from picking out my new dildos at the store. Will a green banana feel different from a ripe one? I wondered as I circled the heaping mountain of fruit. Which one will hit my G-spot best?

A single banana really would've sufficed.

But no, I just had to compare it to a yam ("there wasn't enough lube in the world to get that yam inside me"), carrot ("felt like I was doing a transvaginal ultrasound on myself"), piece of corn ("guys, oh god, why did I do this"), and, mercifully, cucumber ("reminiscent of a dildo, and that alone was a relief").

I guess you could consider this my quote-unquote "most dangerous joke," as a couple people got on my case about "encouraging" physically unsafe practices. I don't think it's that dramatic, considering I used condoms and mentioned precautions. Of course you should use a dildo if possible -- they're abundant now, and that's wonderful -- but a banana costs 42 cents.

And not to give away the ending too much, but that 42-cent banana made me squirt. It also gave me a glorious new brag: "I've ripened a banana with nothing more than the heat of my vagina. Have you?"

Magic Wand Rechargeable -- still available as of 12/13!

A cordless version of the legendary powerhouse -- my favorite quick orgasm tool.

The Magic Wand Rechargeable is the most-used vibrator I own, and one that serves a vital purpose: guaranteed, extremely low-effort orgasms. It envelopes my vulva with powerful vibrations, whether I'm wearing pants or not. OH, AND IT LASTS 4.5 HOURS ON A CHARGE. (Read my review and my follow-up.)

njoy Pure Wand -- still available as of 12/13!

A life-changing G-spotting dildo that makes me gush like a geyser.

Two spheres of extreme G-spot stimulation. One and a half pounds. The sex toy, the legend. This parenthesis-shaped stainless steel dildo altered my perception of sexual pleasure forever. I've still yet to find another toy that makes me squirt as effortlessly and intensely. (Read my review.)

Fun Factory Volta -- still available as of 12/13!

A powerful, dual-tipped vibe that always satisfies.

I often crave the Volta specifically. It hits the spot in a way other toys don't, with a robust motor and tantalizing sensations that vary depending on how the toy is held. Adaptable to a variety of genitals, this is the epitome of a versatile vibrator. It's the best external vibe Fun Factory's ever made. (Read my review and my follow-up.)

njoy Pure Plugs -- still available as of 12/13!

Butt plug perfection. And I don't use that word lightly.

The Pure Plugs are flawless. They're the best butt plugs I've ever tried. Stainless steel is a beautiful anal toy material, adding a sensation of weightiness that really enhances the pleasure. Secure as fuck, easy to remove, and available in 3 sizes. Put one in your ass, be astounded, THE END. (Read my review.)

We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X -- still available as of 12/13!

The epitome of "small yet mighty."

When it comes to petite clitoral vibes, We-Vibe has long been a frontrunner. With amazing motors and a host of upscale features, the Touch X and Tango X are some of the finest bullet vibes money can buy. Both are small enough to nestle in the palm and impressively powerful, with deliciously rumbly vibrations. Especially the Tango, d-d-dang. (Read my review.)

Liberator Wedge + Throw -- still available as of 12/13!

Upgrade your sex life with a supportive pillow and waterproof blanket.

Sex positions are infinitely better -- and oh my god, easier -- with the Wedge. With a core made of furniture-grade foam, it's far more supportive and stable than a pile of pillows. The Throw, a magical waterproof blanket, is another staple. It'll catch any liquid I throw (or squirt) at it. (Read my review.)

Fun Factory Stronics

Self-thrusting toys that pummel my G-spot with very little effort.

The word "revolutionary" gets thrown around a lot in this industry, but Fun Factory's Stronic line actually earned it. These near-silent toys stroke my G-spot like robotic lovers. And I barely have to do anything! So lazy. So good. I feel blessed to have experienced this technology in my lifetime. (Read my review.)

BMS Pillow Talk Sassy

If I had to recommend just one vibrator, it'd be this puppy.

The Sassy is a diamond in the rough. It's one of those rare vibrators I can recommend to almost anybody -- which, as a sex toy reviewer, is basically the holy grail. We all deserve a vibrator of this caliber: rechargeable, versatile, highly adjustable, and super rumbly. It makes me wonder aloud, "how are you so good?" (Read my review.)

Satisfyer Pro 2

Comfort, satisfaction, and affordability collide.

In a universe jam-packed with air flow toys, I've found the Satisfyer Pro 2 to be one of the best. The price is unbeatable, for one, but it's also well-designed, with a comfortable handle and a wide, rounded opening. The stimulation -- a deep thrumming sensation -- surpasses similar toys in both power and quality. (The Womanizer Classic and Premium feel even better, but they cost a lot more.)

Je Joue Mimi + Bullets

A powerful, pebble-shaped mini vibe + cute bullets with nice vibrations.

Je Joue sure knows how to build a vibrator. The versatile Mimi is an exceptionally powerful external vibe, besting many bullets in the category, and its purr is undeniably satisfying. The Bullets, available in a few styles now, deliver Je Joue's signature fluttery vibrations in whichever shape most appeals to you. (Read my review of the Mimi and my review of the Bullets.)

Magic Wand Mini

A portable version of the legend, and boy do I want to take it everywhere.

The Magic Wand Mini stole my heart pretty much immediately. It's significantly smaller than the Magic Wand Rechargeable, but not too small to skimp on power. Plus, it doesn't vibrate my hand, and it lasts decades (3.5 hours) on a charge. I reach for it a lot.

We-Vibe Rave 2

An incredible G-spotter, clitoral vibe, and long-distance toy -- all in one.

It was love the moment I touched the Rave to my clit. This new second generation version ups the ante in all the best ways, adding significantly more rumbly power in addition to a softer silicone exterior and revamped controls. It has a phone app for long-distance play, but what really takes this toy to superstar level is its curved, asymmetrical shaft. It makes my G-spot sing. (Read my review.)

Uberrime Splendid

A perfectly-proportioned soft dildo. No notes.

Oh my, this is a damn good dildo. The Splendid's shape gives me everything my vagina needs with its sleek curve, bulbous head, and perfect length and girth. It's so well-designed I had a special edition version made in my blog color! (Read my review.)

WOW Tech / We-Vibe Romp Hype

An astonishingly affordable, rumbly vibrator with extra reach.

Don't be fooled by the Hype's basic appearance. This vibrator is LEGIT. Rumbly, shockingly powerful, and absurdly inexpensive. I love it for external stimulation -- the elongated shape helps me access my clit without reaching, and the firmness requires no extra pressure. Oh yeah, and it lasts 2.5 frickin' hours on a charge! (Read my review.)

BMS Pillow Talk Racy

A wee little toy that kinda rules.

Like its larger counterpart, Sassy, the bullet-sized Racy rises above the competition for a few reasons: its accessible price, its nice vibrations, and its continuum of vibration intensities. Imagine not being confined to 3-5 settings! Other toys are flashier, but the Racy gets the job done well at an unbeatable price.

LELO Mona 2

Versatile as fuck, with a shape that fits between the labia like a dream.

Here's a long-time favorite of mine that is only worth buying during Black Friday when it doesn't cost a fortune. The well-rounded Mona 2 feels awesome both internally and externally. Its wide range of vibration intensities suit my genitals' any mood, and it holds a charge extremely well. (Read my review.)

PalmPower Extreme

An adjustable, super-powered wand to finish you off ASAP.

Speaking of adjustable vibrations, here's a WAND that has them! The PalmPower Extreme is ergonomically angled, lasts 2.4 hours on a charge, and brings the vibrations in a big way. It's not quite Magic Wand Rechargeable intensity, but close, and the motor is satisfyingly rumbly. (Read my review.)

SheVibe -- up to 25% off everything

BEST FOR: my favorite things and orders over $125, for stuff like the Magic Wand Rechargeable and much-loved brands such as Vixen, Uberrime, NY Toy Collective, Chakrubs, Crystal Delights, Pris Toys, SelfDelve, and Hole Punch.

SheVibe is my favorite online shop EVER. Ever ever ever. Not only is it run by amazing, supportive people, their selection is also super comprehensive and virtually unparalleled. It's a one-stop-shopping locale for sure. As always, we set up an exclusive deal for you: 15% off my favorite items with code PIPHBF, no minimum order, through Monday 11/27 PST.

Otherwise, SheVibe has an escalating sale going on: the more you buy, the more you save!

• 10% off orders $75+ and free US shipping with code SANTA
• 15% off orders $100+ and free US shipping with code SANTA
• 20% off orders $125+ and free US shipping with code SANTA
• 25% off orders $350+ and free US shipping with code SANTA

• Plus, spend $150 on Liberator products and get a FREE Fascinator Toy Pad!

As you can see, it's best to spend over $125 to get the higher discount, so now's the time to pick up a spendy but glorious toy such as the Magic Wand Rechargeable, Fun Factory Stronic, or Doxy Wand. If you get just a couple of my favorite things, you'll probably enter the $125+ threshold. Like the Pure Wand + Throw for squirting magic, or Joque harness + Splendid for epic strap on play!

SheVibe has a very wide selection of Vixen, Liberator, NY Toy Collective, and Uberrime. They're one of a few shops that stock less common brands such as Chakrubs, Pris Toys, SelfDelve, Hole Punch, Deep Fantasies, Phreak, Fuze, and Uncover Creations. Browse away!

Peepshow Toys -- up to 55% off my faves + 20% off everything

BEST FOR: anyone wanting a sweeping discount, honestly. Nearly the best prices anywhere on many toys, including the Pure Wand, Sassy, Satisfyer Pro 2, Tango X and Touch X, and much more.

I went balls to the wall again with Peepshow Toys: we set up Epiphora-exclusive deals on a bunch of my favorites! The discounts are staggering -- 25% off to 55% off, making these prices so good that few shops on this page can match them.

• Uberrime Uno: $49 -- savings of $21
• Uberrime Splendid Piph: $68 -- savings of $
• njoy Pure Wand: $88 -- savings of $32
• njoy Pure Plugs: $45-60 -- savings of $15-20
• BMS Pillow Talk Sassy: $36 -- savings of $24
• Satisfyer Pro 2: $30 -- savings of $37
• We-Vibe Tango X and Touch X: $54 and $71 -- savings of $25 and $28
• BMS Pillow Talk Racy: $30 -- savings of $14
• PalmPower Extreme: $69 -- savings of $36
• Tantus Cush: $37 -- savings of $42
• Bundle: njoy Pure Wand + Womanizer Classic 2: $175 -- savings of $75
• Bundle: njoy Pure Wand + We-Vibe Tango X: $142 -- savings of $58
• Bundle: Fun Factory Stronic Surf + BMS Racy: $150 -- savings of $57
• Bundle: BMS Sassy + Splendid Piph: $103 -- savings of $66

Hop on this, yo. It's good shit. Through Wednesday 11/29 EST or while supplies last.

The cherry on top: there are storewide savings too! Get 20% off your entire purchase (or 25% off if you spend $325+) through Wednesday 11/29 EST. Check the blowout deals for deeper discounts and browse my favorites page for ideas.

Fun Factory US -- 30% off + free lube + money back!

BEST FOR: a big-ass discount on all Fun Factory toys, such as the Stronics and Volta, plus a free bottle of lube and store credit!

Fun Factory makes some of my favorite toys on earth, and they rarely go on sale, so this is THE time to buy. Get 30% off at Fun Factory US through Wednesday 11/29, and earn up to $65 store credit to use for a later purchase!

For my peeps only, a sweet freebie: if you spend over $119 (after discount), use code PIPHBF23 to get a free 2oz bottle of Sutil Rich lube ($19 value). You must add the lube to your cart -- then use code PIPHBF23 at check-out.

• 30% off all Fun Factory toys
• 10% off other brands (Liberator, Sliquid, Spareparts, Sutil, and Seagrape) when purchased with any Fun Factory toy
• Up to $65 credit for a later order when you spend $125 or more!

  • Spend $125, get $25 for later
  • Spend $175, get $45 for later
  • Spend $225, get $65 for later

What are my recommendations? Where to begin! I'm really into their recently-released Laya III, an ergonomic external vibe with thrummy vibrations. Also the Vim, a shockingly rumbly wand. I'm forever obsessed with the Volta, which is easily my favorite vibrator Fun Factory makes and now comes in a gorgeous sapphire blue.

The self-thrusting Stronic G, Stronic Surf, and Sundaze stroke my G-spot with incredible ease, and you know I am ALL ABOUT that life. The Bootie is my top silicone butt plug, I enjoy the odd sensations of the Bouncer, and the Tiger, Patchy Paul, and Big Boss are impressively powerful vibrators for your money. Fun Factory makes solid toys, man, damn.

INTERNATIONAL RETAILERS

Lovehoney (worldwide) -- 15% off on top of sale prices -- thru 12/5!

BEST FOR: amazing prices on We-Vibe and Womanizer, plus dirt cheap toybox staples.

Current deal: 15% off on top of sale prices, through 12/5

Popular worldwide sex toy shop Lovehoney is giving my peeps an additional 15% off their sale, which features products up to 70% off, through 12/5. Visit my landing page to receive the additional 15% off, or use code EPIPHORA15.

Most of the sale items are from We-Vibe, Womanizer, and Lovehoney. Thanks to this discount stacking, you can score the Tango X for $54 and the Touch X for $67. The Womanizer Pro40, a solid and well-designed air flow toy, is just $67. The bite-sized Starlet is $33, and the Womanizer Classic is $67. Lovehoney is the place to score special editions of these toys, such as the sexy black Nova 2 ($67).

Many of Lovehoney's already-affordable products are now shockingly cheap -- round out your toybox with the Booty Buddy ($11) and Supersex Glass Dildo Set ($20 for TWO DILDOS!).

• Lovehoney US: 15% off sale items (code EPIPHORA15)
• Lovehoney Canada: 15% off everything / other sale items
• Lovehoney UK: 15% off everything / other sale items
• Lovehoney EU: 15% off everything / other sale items
• Lovehoney Australia: 15% off everything / other sale items
• Lovehoney New Zealand: 15% off everything / other sale items

Come As You Are (CA) -- 25% off everything + free gift

BEST FOR: Canadians, eh, or Americans wanting to take advantage of the exchange rate, because holy shit.

Through Wednesday 11/29 EST, get a steep 25% off everything (and a free gift worth $15!) at fabulous Canadian indie sex shop Come As You Are with code PIPHBF. Did you know they're a worker-owned co-operative?

My favorite toys are all listed here, and the exchange rate is such that if you're an American, many toys are at their best price anywhere. For example!

• The njoy Pure Wand is friggin' ~$69
• The Magic Wand Rechargeable and Magic Wand Mini are freakin' ~$95 and ~$55
• The Je Joue Mimi Soft and G-spot Bullet are flippin' ~$59 and ~$37
• The We-Vibe Tango X and Touch X are fuggin' ~$54 and ~$71

Passionfruit (AU/NZ) -- 35% off my faves

BEST FOR: Australians and New Zealanders with excellent taste.

You read correctly: 35% off! Independent feminist shop Passionfruit is known for their carefully-selected range of products, and I AGREE. They're offering 25% off everything right now, through 11/27 AEST.

Then we struck an additional one-day-only deal: 35% off anything on my favorites page on Friday, 11/24 with code PIPHBF. Since they carry heaps of stuff I love, enjoy an incredible discount on wonderful toys like the Dame Kip, We-Vibe Rave 2, Fun Factory Volta, BMS Sassy, and many more.

The Pleasure Garden (UK) -- 20% off everything

BEST FOR: my friends across the pond wishing to support a small biz.

The Pleasure Garden is an inclusive indie sex shop based in the UK. They stock a curated selection of high-quality, body-safe sex toys, and they ship worldwide. Use code PIPHBF for 20% off orders over £50, through Thursday 11/30 GMT. If you're in the UK, shipping is free!

Grab one of my vetted picks, like the LELO Ella, Satisfyer Pro 2, Spareparts Joque harness, or anything else your heart and genitals desire.

Spectrum Boutique -- 20% off my faves + up to 40% off top brands

BEST FOR: toys I love such as the Jollet, Romp Hype, Pris Toys Nova, Le Wand Arch, Tantus Magma, and BJ Dildo, and anything you want from top brands.

Spectrum Boutique is a rad sex shop dedicated to body-safe toys and radical inclusion. Their curated selection is extremely on point, and you can get 20% off my favorites now through Wednesday 11/29 EST with code PIPHBF. No minimum purchase to get this discount -- hell yes! Another reason to shop with Spectrum? Their loyalty program awards you points for every dollar spent.

They're also slashing prices on a bazillion popular brands. Visit their sale page for all the included items, or check out their FAQ for specific details. Here are the notable brands on sale (my code won't give an additional discount on these):

• 30% off Fun Factory (thru 11/29)
• 30% off Je Joue (thru 11/28)
• 30% off Blush (thru 11/30 with code BLUSHING) — perhaps some affordable silicone dildos for you?!
• 25% off Liberator (11/24-11/27)
• 25% off Dame (thru 12/10) and Le Wand (11/22-11/28)
• 20% off We-Vibe and Womanizer (thru 12/04), LELO (11/28-12/04), and Magic Wand (thru 11/30 with code ITSMAGIC)
• 10-40% off Tenga (11/24-11/28)

We-Vibe + Womanizer -- up to 50% off + free high-end toy! -- thru 12/4!

BEST FOR: a rad deal on We-Vibe and Womanizer toys. I mean, that's obvious. But these companies make excellent stuff.

Current deal: up to 50% off + free high-end toy, through 12/4

Been wanting something from We-Vibe or Womanizer? Get up to 50% off their toys through Monday 12/4, with some pretty incredible free gifts:

• Spend over $160 at We-Vibe and receive a FREE We-Vibe toy (you can see which one by visiting your cart) and a deck of Come Together Cards
• Spend over $150 at Womanizer and receive a FREE Womanizer Starlet 2

We-Vibe makes many exceptional toys. The Tango X and Touch X are some of the rumbliest mini vibes out there, and the Rave 2 is a wonderfully versatile G-spottin' toy with long-distance functionality. I'm also a fan of the Pivot cock ring and ergonomic rabbit vibe Nova 2.

Alert! We-Vibe still has the original Tango, and it's only $39. If your main use for the Tango will be in other toys, like dildos and harnesses, the original is a much better choice.

Get up to 50% off at Womanizer through Monday 12/4, plus a FREE Womanizer Starlet 2 with orders over $150. Wow! That rules.

The Pro40 is my top pick because it strikes the best balance between size, shape, and price, and it's only $69 in this sale! But if you want the latest and greatest, the Classic 2 and Premium 2 boast luxury features and optimized air flow stimulation.

Tantus -- 45% off everything

BEST FOR: really cheap silicone dildos and butt plugs, such as the Magma ($29!), Acute ($23!), and Ryder ($21!).

Silicone wonders can be yours with 45% off all Tanuts toys, Friday 11/24 through Sunday 11/26, with code BF45. It's the perfect time to stock up on quality dildos and plugs that'll last you a lifetime!

Tantus makes many things I love. My favorite anal toys are the Ryder, Neo, and Juice (all less than $21) and the Ripple Small ($17) is a lovely intro to anal beads. Some excellent Tantus dildos that have received my stamp of approval: Magma, Cush O2, Echo, Goddess, Acute, and Sport. The Super Soft C Ring ($7, yo) is also rad.

LELO -- up to 60% off

BEST FOR: the lowest prices on LELO toys, especially the widely-loved Mona 2.

LELO's offering varying discounts on many of their toys for Black Friday, up to 60% off. I wouldn't recommend most of their toys these days, with one notable exception: the Mona 2. The Mona 2 is a timeless classic with an extremely versatile shape, infinitely adjustable vibrations, and a battery that never seems to die.

Crystal Delights -- 25% off everything + free glass toy

BEST FOR: gorgeous glass dildos and anal toys -- plus a mystery toy worth $35!

An incredible deal from my very favorite glassmakers! Use code PIPHBF to get 25% off everything at Crystal Delights with orders $100+, plus a free mystery box glass toy ($35 value!) with orders over $150, through Wednesday 11/29. How can you resist such a thing?! Answer: you can't, and shouldn't!

Everything Crystal Delights creates is a work of art, but how the toys feel is even better. They make both of my all-time favorite glass dildos, the beautimous Crystal Twist and bumpy Star Delight, as well as gorgeous butt plugs, some with fluffy animal tails, others with fantastically-colored tails. Their Funfetti Plug is a rainbow kaleidoscope of joy, the Sparkle Plug glimmers for miles, and the Galaxy Plug dazzles with intergalactic charm.

Early to Bed -- 15% off everything + free mug

BEST FOR: supporting a trailblazing brick and mortar, plus cute mug with purchase!

Do you understand how madly in love I am with Early to Bed? DO YOU? They work with me on a special deal for my readers every year. Through Wednesday 11/29, get 15% off your order (after discount) with code PIPHBF. Then, if you spend over $25 you'll get a free Early to Bed mug (no need to add to cart)! It's adorable!

Early to Bed is one of the greatest brick and mortar sex shops in the country. They're not afraid to call out bullshit in the industry and they work their butts off to provide accurate sex ed day after day. Especially in these pandemic times, you should support them!

Sliquid -- 35% off everything

BEST FOR: stocking up on super discounted lube and body products!

Sliquid is my favorite lube ever. Stock up on lube -- and other body products -- with their sale! Thursday 11/23 through Monday 11/27, get an amazing 35% off at Sliquid with code EPIPHORA10. (Their sale is 25% off storewide, then my code takes off an additional 10%.) That means 2 oz bottles of my water-based faves H2O and Sassy are only $7!

I love Sliquid because they make products with ingredients you can trust, including tons of lube -- water-based, oil-based, silicone-based, hybrid, and flavored -- as well as body products such as massage oil, bubble bath, intimate wash, shaving cream, and toy cleaner.

Doxy -- 35% off everything -- thru 12/4!

BEST FOR: industrial-grade wand vibrators, with fancy customization options.

Current deal: 35% off everything, through 12/4

Doxy is a brand that stays in its lane: producing the most heavy-duty, powerful wands to ever exist. They aren't cheap, though, so this 35% off sale makes a big difference. Buying directly from Doxy gives you the opportunity to customize your toy, from body design to head color. Use code BLACKFRIDAY35.

Lovense -- 55% off

BEST FOR: high-tech sexual exploration.

Lovense are the kings of the interactive sex toy game. Their toys have long been favorites for cam models, as they're fully integrated with camming platforms and can react to tips. Lovense's toys are getting even more high-tech now. I haven't tried all the fancy features, but I can vouch for the solid motors in the Ambi and Exomoon, and the Osci 2 is a fun foray into internal stimulation.

Through Tuesday 11/28, buy at least 2 products (one from their black or pink sections) and get 55% off.

Cute Little Fuckers -- 20% off everything

BEST FOR: the cutest li'l vibrators you ever did see.

Trans- and queer- owned Cute Little Fuckers is really special. Their playful, incredibly original toys are designed to be approachable and imagination-sparking. The Trinity dildo is my favorite. Shopping directly with Cute Little Fuckers gives you access to all their special edition color schemes, such as pastels and trans and intersex pride colors.

From Friday, 11/24 through Monday 11/27, get 20% off with code BLACKFRIDAYSALE.

Fleshlight -- up to 20% off everything

BEST FOR: legendary penis toys, straight from the source, with build-your-own options.

Fleshlight is the gold standard when it comes to penis strokers. There are about a million styles to choose from, from basic orifices to extremely detailed porn star vulvas, lips, and butts, and a wide array of internal textures. There's even a build-your-own option. Fleshlight also produces realistic dildos modeled after porn performers.

Get up to 20% off at Fleshlight and and their gay site, Fleshjack, through Wednesday 11/29.

• 10% off orders over $99
• 15% off orders over $199
• 20% off orders over $249 + free mystery sleeve!

Porn, porn, porn!

BEST FOR: horn dogs with good taste!

Looking for hot, well-shot gay porn? Get 50% off all memberships at CockyBoys! That's $11.65/month for a 3-month term and $8.29/month for a year! They have tons of hot porn to keep you busy. Gorgeous humans, pristine lighting, excellent chemistry... it's all there. Highly recommended.

Get 15% off any subscription to queer porn site CrashPadSeries.com with code PIPHBF! Arguably one of the greatest queer porn sites on the internet, Crash Pad documents hotties of all flavors sexing it up in beautifully-shot harmony. Crash Pad is a one-of-a-kind membership site that will affirm your identity AND make you wanna masturbate.

If you're looking for a smorgasbord of indie, feminist, and queer porn, join PinkLabel.tv and get 15% off your membership there with code PIPHBF. It's like the Netflix of indie porn, with videos from independent adult filmmakers around the world for you to stream whenever you want!

Round out your porn bank by subscribing to AdultTime, which is as low as $7.95/month in their Black Friday sale! This mega site, which I've been subscribed to for years, grants you access to over 300 channels, 55,000 scenes, and 8 releases per day. Notable directors include Sinn Sage, Bree Mills (Girlsway, Pure Taboo, Transfixed, Shape of Beauty, True Lesbian), Joanna Angel (Burning Angel, Lady Gonzo), and even classic Tristan Taormino (Chemistry, Rough Sex, Expert Guide).