Saffron Mello Castro "A Thousand Miles From Nowhere"

Spain, past and present: A new series discussing our experiences in Spain from the late 70s to present day

2026-06-10T03:31:38.521-07:00

For those of you who follow this blog, you will know I have been a contributer to the book series entitled ´Memories of lockdown´ by Rosanne Gallagher

https://1000milesfromnowhere.blogspot.com/2026/03/memories-of-lockdown-years-book-4-and.html and the subsequent youtube interview series.

As a result of that collaboration, Rosanne and I decided to create a series on Youtube discussing Spain past and present: A journey through time from the 70s and 80s to present day.

We talk about our individual experiences travelling and living here, post Franco (from his death in 1975) through the early 80s into Spain's transition from dictatorship to democracy…

In episode 1 we discuss how Rosanne first came to Spain and how later it coincided with the attempted military coup by Tejero in February 1981.

What was the ambience of Spain in those early days of transition?

What did early tourism look like in the days especially when bikinis and mini skirts were taboo in this strict Catholic country?

What was the Movida Madrileña? Spain´s cultural revolution the equivalent of the West´s swinging 60s after Franco´s death. Spanish pop and rock music exploded as did film and literature. Flamboyant gay Spanish film director Pedro Almodovar became a household name (unthinkable under the previous repression.)

In fact a friend of mine shared an apartment with him in the early days in Paris I believe when she had to flee Spain as a student protestor in Madrid.

I recall the famous Spanish pop musicians, such as the infamous Alaska and top bands like Mecano, Radio Futura and more...

I share my early experiences first on holiday in 1985 as we explored the Costa Blanca for a month as a 12 year old and then the move in 1986. I went to a local Spanish school in the bohemian village of Altea,which as an adolescent from the suburbs of London speaking little Spanish, was a mutual culture shock just as it was for both us and our traditional Spanish neighbours…

Rosanne tells us how a rather naive young woman from Sussex experienced the eye opening adventures of Malaga in those early days of transition: including gangsters and guns on the dance floor! I elaborate explaining to those who do not know about the ´ímport/export´´ business starting with North Africa later including South America...

The Costa del Crimen, the Mediterranean Costas awash with well known criminals particulary British, before extradition laws were put in place...

I recommend watching the films: Sexy Beast and The Business to get an idea of the vibe of those times...almost like a non stop Guy Ritchie movie!

We discuss the above subjects and much more.

In future episodes we plan on discussing our experiences of the healthcare system back in the day, education, Valenciano (the local dialect) The Spanish Civil War and its aftermath.

We both have experiences of this through friends and family members and the interviews I carried out for local newspapers and my own research.

I became involved in local politics in 2011 and soon after resigned to become part of the Spanish revolution as it was called or Los Indignados, taking over the squares throughout Spain on the back of the Arab spring...

Spain, many countries in one, and so much more...

I also want to touch on Spanish immigration and how I grew up with the Spanish in 70s UK who had fled the regime and poverty to start a new life abroad. Many Spanish ended up in France, Germany, Switzerland and USA.

We cover these topics with humour, sensitivity and shared anecdotes.

We will also ask people to send in topics they wish us to discuss and share their own stories.

We hope you will enjoy!

Episode Part One link to youtube:

https://youtu.be/_VU52fV4yVc

#Spainhistory #livinginspain #movetospain #javea

https://www.youtube.com/@zozobjones-skyewarrior1442

Memories of The Lockdown Years book 4 and The Youtube Interviews part 2 and 3

2026-03-17T09:47:00.000-07:00

Greetings readers!

So, following on from my previous post, I shall share parts 2 and 3 of my interview with Rosanne Gallagher regarding my contributions to the book series, Memories of the lockdown years.

In part 2 I begin by talking about the inspiration behind my 2020 book, "2020 When Time Stood Still" when we were caught in Dubai as the Middle East began locking down before Europe. How I then began to write in the airport hotel whilst stuck in London unable to get out initially and how everything escalated from there...

I share some of my activism stories (not all!), some of the tragic events and what lead me to where I am today...

Enjoy part 2, it will probably raise some eyebrows!

Part 2 Youtube below

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvZ89xm5uVc&feature=youtu.be

In the final part of the interview I share what lead me to my various off grid caravan experiences and adventures and how finally my partner and I were able to buy our own land in Spain etc

Something else of personal importance to me was to share in detail about my experience of a brain bleed, the side effects and how it changed my life in various ways. This is to also enlighten those who do not understand the consequences and what it can entail...

Rosanne finishes the interview by asking about my views of the current global situation and where it all may be going and who was a big inspiration in my life :)

Part 3 Youtube interview below

https://youtu.be/tD6IqZzdLyU

Memories of The Lockdown Years book 4 and The Youtube Interviews

2026-03-09T11:08:00.000-07:00

Memories of The Lockdown Years Book Four and the YouTube interviews

Those of you who follow me will know I have been contributing to this very interesting book series since book 1. The concept is based on the contributions of people from multiple backgrounds and countries sharing their experiences of life from the 2020 lockdown, each year to the present day. This is essentially recording this period of huge transitions in history so future generations can read our individual personal accounts and understand exactly what went on from many different perspectives.

However, what I also realized on reading back my own contributions and those of others, so much has happened at an accelerated rate that it is easy to forget so many of our experiences. for example I had forgotten that in both 2020 and 2021 here in Spain, we were under a curfew and had to be home by 10pm!

Rosanne Gallagher created this project and decided to interview the contributors so the readers could get to know us on a more personal level.

Link to Part One of the YouTube series of interviews below:

https://youtu.be/VuWC-T21TA0

In this first part of the interview, Rosanne is asking me to share about my early years growing up in Surrey, UK and later as a teen in Spain in the 80´s. I share my experiences and how I began writing and teaching English and some of my early inspiration from books such as ´The Killing Fields´´ and amazing journalists such as John Pilger. I also share the experience of interviewing an inventor, engineer who trained under the Nazi Werner Von Braun...

In the following interviews I discuss the books I have written, my experiences as an activist, my brain injury (brain bleed), our off grid projects and much more!

You can find the book here;

https://www.memoriesoflockdown.com/

And the link to my writers page (under my 2020 pseudonym Skye Coelho) with my books

https://www.memoriesoflockdown.com/zoe

Watch this space for part 2 and 3 of the interview!

Our new land off grid on a Spanish mountain: Part 2

2026-01-07T11:49:00.000-08:00

So here we are in January 2026, looking forward to the next stages of our off grid project...

In my last post I shared the beginning stages of our project, the physical hard work, clearing decades of abandoned mountainside and preparing the long uphill access so we could finally reach the land by car and bring up our caravans.

By the time we brought up our second caravan our nerves were seriously on edge with the ammount of preparation and logistics involved.The caravan was situated over an hour away high up another mountain and the shananigans that went on the day before the tow truck arrived were not far off a scene from a Guy Ritchie movie! A car crash, a finger tip missing and a very grumpy local policeman...

Fortunately not our drama but was all unfolding around our caravan!

In the end the caravan made it to our mountain, one tow truck and one tractor later...

And with both Gabe and I pushing it all the way up as it swerved from side to side, losing a few pieces along the way...

There was one nail biting moment when it got stuck at the bottom of our access and we were afraid things were going to end badly...

Well she made it in the end much to our relief. We had spent quite a while working on the refurbishment at the last place and while it was not quite finished, it was looking pretty good compared to when it had been taken off the Benidorm campsite!

Next step was camoflaging both so they would blend in better with the surrounding habitat and not stick out like a sore thumb...

I really enjoyed the creative process with 3 spray cans of grey, green and brown and a palm leaf...

Unfortunately we were not yet able to build our outdoor area with pallets and green roofing so we had to use the caravan awning meanwhile, not quite as easy to camoflage! It's been quite a challenge with strong winds and torrential rain but its just about still standing...

The awning is not quite as awesome as our bell tent which we decided to sell to free up some extra funds, though at some point we intend investing in a slightly smaller version...

What have proven to be awesome are our two woodburner stoves in the caravans. At zero degrees these last days, the stoves with our abundance of fire wood have been game changers...

We are finally attempting to wind down a little and actually begin to enjoy what we are creating and connect with the nature that surrounds us. It's easy to get caught up in the endless tasks and only see what needs to be done next rather than enjoying the journey...

The full moon recently was spectacular.

The surrounding mountainside and views are stunning.

We have so far encountered many species of birds, a very large fox, rabbits and a beautiful family of mountain goats that seemed particularly unperturbed by our presence...

The next stages of our project are 1) To improve on our toilet situation ( sawdust toilet in a shower tent! Not fun in the wind and rain!)

2) Build a shower in a 1000 litre water cointainer or pallet shower...

3) Build our exterior area and outdoor kitchen with pallets and wood...

4) Build a water deposit and entire water system...

All the above, though not in that particular order as well as multiple work on the land and trees.

We are also working on ways to create an income using our space...

2026 will be an interesting year, no matter what challenges it may bring, personally and globally, the relief of finally owning our own space is immense especially after having gone from space to space over the last few years and not having a permanent base.

Though, I prefer to think of ourselves as the new guardians of the mountain rather than 'owning' nature :)...

Watch this space for the next chapter...

Our new land off grid on a Spanish mountain: Part one

2025-11-23T03:49:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have followed some of our off grid 'experiments' over the last year you will already be aware of our latest adventure but if not, here's the lowdown...

I began caravan life in 2022, fleeing to the hills for much needed headspace and ended up in a friend's caravan that had not been used for a few years post Covid. So I roll up in winter with no heaating or water and some rats and wasps for company...

Got it sorted and then realized I absolutely needed my own caravan https://1000milesfromnowhere.blogspot.com/2022/09/the-wild-mountain-woman-and-her-caravan_5.html

which you can read about in the link above.

That was no mean feat, restoring a very old very abandoned caravan on a shoestring budget but we did it and she is alive and well as you will see in a moment (the caravan not me, though she's probably in a better state than me right now!)

That caravan went down the mountain and ended up on someone else's land on the coast...then ended up on my mother's land until its final destination to our own land! In between, I was in another caravan at a cat and donkey sanctuary!

Don't worry if you can't keep up, I can't either...

My partner (we met 2 years ago) and I used the caravan as a bedroom and purchased a large bell tent as our living space:

https://1000milesfromnowhere.blogspot.com/2025/01/life-in-bell-tent-off-grid-in-spain.html

It was an amazing space for a while until we moved to another friend's land without the caravan and just the tent..two of us in the tend in all weathers and health issues...puts your relationship to the test believe me! What was meant to be about 6 weeks turned into more like 6 months...we looked at land locally, searched for land up in Tarragona...gave up...changed our plans and became rather despondent about our direction...

Until one day two months ago an ad appeared on social media that seemed too good to be true for the price but it was real...and it was a resonable price (unlike most things on the Spanish coast!) because there is no water and it had been long abandoned , 2500m2 (aprox half an acre) of hugely overgrown land on a mountain side and no immediate vehicle access...

Some of the access two months ago...

We were ecstatic and couldn't believe it given we had lost hope on finding anything we could afford...

And so began the hard work. We bought it and signed, all within 10 days of seeing the ad_that is lightening speed here!

We borrowed a strimmer, purchased a chain saw and cutters and began clearing the access which is 600m up hill...

Neither the land nor the very long path up had been used in many decades. The local townhall owns the track in order to access the electricity pylons in the area but clearly had not tended to the track...

So slowly by hand we began the laborious task...

And the same on the many abandoned terraces of our land, some so thick with bramble and bushes we could not even decipher where it began and ended...much exasperated swearing would have been heard over the last two months as we encountered nasty thorns and such like!

Before and after mulching, one of the many terraces...

The day the machines finally arrived was a glorious day indeed! You can not imagine the elation when we could finally drive up the track to our own land and begin the next stage...

Our access today!

Clearing the space revealed beautiful rich soil...all the better for planting!

There were many dead almond trees as well as overgrown Olive trees and Carob trees..

We are still slowly discovering exactly what we have around us, including huge amounts of Rosemary and Thyme and wild Lavender! Amazing...

Given it is very dry mountainside we are making sure we remove all the dead wood and create many fire breaks as there have been awful wild fires across the country and in theory all these areas should be cleared nd maintained...which they are not! So, for our sakes and the mountain and everyone nearby, we are doing our bit...

It was the views that made this a no brainer for me...

So, once the access was created and some of the terraces cleaned up it was time to bring up caravan n1:

Oh the joys of watching your baby swinging through the air! This was not the first time we had witnessed this :

https://1000milesfromnowhere.blogspot.com/2025/01/life-in-bell-tent-off-grid-in-spain.html

last year we had the help of 4 other friends, this year just my partner and I, and me with back and stomach issues trying to move and turn a caravan stuck in mud! Bloody great.

Oh how we missed our wonderful friend Marcel, not just for his help and advice but his lovely calming presence. RIP our beautiful friend.

After many a nail biting moment we finally got her up the land courtesy of a tractor! The only vehicle that could tow her the final kms...

You may have noticed she's changed colour...we are going to improve on that with our camoflage ideas...

Next week we bring our second caravan which is up another mountain an hour away which will also need transporting on the back of a tow truck and then the trusty tractor...

More stress and prepping but will be worth it in the end...

Watch this space for the coming chapters of how to get water, how to camoflage your caravan and more...

Zoe and Cat on the road to find out...

2025-11-20T10:31:00.000-08:00

Images: Me with Yusuf's book, my childhood autograph.

Dad and members of Yusuf Cat Steven's band

November 2025, both my adult self and my inner child are curiously scanning Yusuf Cat Steven's autobiography, ' Cat on the road to findout' .

My friend April recently gifted me the book for my birthday upon finding out that my father got a few mentions as Cat's former road manager during that period.

I'm curious to learn more about that period with Yusuf's transition to Islam as well as connecting the dots with all my childhood memories...

Image from Yusuf/Cat's book with my father

I was born in 1972 and raised in Surrey, UK till 1986 when we moved to Spain. My childhood was pretty cool in many ways, spent mostly in East Molesey, Hampton court, a unique place to grow up, surrounded by beautiful parks, the river, the palace...

Me, mum and dad

Yusuf/Cat born Steven Demetre Georgiou in 1948, begins the book talking about his upbringing, youngest son to his Greek Cypriot father, Stavros Georgiou Adams and Swedish mother, Ingrid Elizabeth Wickman.

Cat lived with his parents, brother David and sister Anita above the family cafe (The Moulin Rouge) on Shaftesbury Ave London.

Reading about Yusuf/Cat's Greek Cypriot/Swedish family background, the colourful life of immigrants in London's West End really connected me with him and his story especially as my own father was an immigrant from the colonies back in 1958.

My father Carlos (born Calvin) arrived on the boat from Bombay, India alone age 17. He later changed his name to Carlos as apparently it sounded more exotic like a particular Brazilian football player!

Yusuf describes his early years, especially adolescence, where an identity crisis made life more difficult what with his foreign name and exotic looks, the effects of which isolated him at secondary school.

He was also shy, which for a sensitive adolescent male experiencing these complex feelings makes everything that bit harder.

My father experienced these same complex identity issues with his mixed Indian roots and cultural clashes as did many 'anglos'.

I very much connected with Yusuf's experiences given I myself was subjected to racist taunts though my father experienced this way more violently back in the day...

Images: Me, dad and sister Leoni in 1985. We rented a house in Altea, Spain from Lin the then girlfriend of Gary brewer from the band Little Sister. A year later we moved to Spain permanently.

Like Yusuf, I became way more introvert, suffered panic attacks and changed my surname to Jones rather than Braganza Jones all to sound more British rather than foreign and different...

Not many years later I became proud of what is actually an extremely interesting background and our ancestry results are quite the read: India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, China, Germany, Iceland, Vietnam, Scotland, Ireland, England....boring we are not!

Coincidences...

As I made my way through the book I found myself comparing interesting coincidences; Yusuf's parents met in Lyon's tea house, my parents first date was in a Lyon's tea house His family's cafe was on Shaftesbury Ave, my grandparents lived on a different Shaftesbury Ave in Southall , Middlesex.

Cat's mother was a Swedish aupair in Richmond, my mother had just returned from working as an aupair in Germany and was also living in Richmond.

My Indian uncle then married a Swedish au pair and moved over to Sweden.

Both Yusuf/Cat and my father nearly drowned during the same period albeit in very different places and circumstances, Cat in the Pacific, dad in the Thames!

Cat and my mother Theresa were both born in 1948...

Maybe everyone went to Lyon's tea house back then, lived in Richmond and married au pairs! Or I just spend too much time trying to find coincidences, but that's how my curious brain works...

Image from Yusuf/Cat's book

Yusuf/Cat gained fame very young in his late teens which transformed his life considerably, bringing him into contact with many great artists including the likes of Jimi Hendrix.

He speaks candidly about his behaiour at that time, his inflated ego and his more unpleasant outbursts. It's not surprising really as a young testosterone fuelled male being adored globally and amassing such wealth. However, this also brought additional lonliness especially when having to leave the UK for Brazil as a tax exile.

It's pretty revealing reading about Yusuf/Cat's loneliness, the fun but also vacuous experiences and often complicated moments of distinguishing who were friends and who were hangers on ...

This is the price of fame in general: Who sees the real you? Who cares?

It can be extremely complicated when you reach fame at such a young age as he did, still a long way off from wisdom and maturity, despite the depth of his lyrics.

My father and Cat...

Dad began working with Cat at some point in the mid 70s, 1975 I believe.

Dad and Cat at recording studio perhaps Le Studio, Morin Heights, Canada

Alun Davis, guitarist and Yusuf/Cat's long term band member, got dad the job. I'm told he and dad used to drink in the same local pub, perhaps in Wimbledon back in the day. Dad was doing some roadie work for various bands and then got the gig working for Cat and life for us all changed considerably!

My father was very loyal to Cat and his memory of that time. He told us that various media sources had approached him for stories back in the day which he steadfastly refused to divulge...

I was constantly surrounded by music and musicians: my friend's dad was in the band the Pretty Things, our close friends were the blues artist Gerry Lockran and family. Another close family friend was John dodd and partner Suzie, John worked closely with Jeff Beck whilst another school friend's dad was in the Yardbirds... Music and it's influence was everywhere.

I remember music sessions at the house, dad playing bongos ( he was a frustrated drummer who had it beaten out of him as a kid) the haze of sweet smelling grass and long haired musos. I grew up thinking short haired men were slightly odd, like something was missing ( I kind of still do! I clearly never left the 70s, oh dear...)

2 polaroids I found of Cat's band one with dad in the other without. Either when in the studio or on tour.

Home life

Dad was a ' collector' so our home was far from boring though mum was not always so keen on everything he brought home! All kinds of curious things would appear, an eccletic variety of instruments, percussion , a kind of digeridoo, synthesizer and one day some doves and a rabbit! Mum confirmed this memory that they were indeed from the Magikat tour and we were taking care of them in between concerts I believe...

I remember a diary where Cat had written about a meeting with John Lennon...

I'm pretty sure I managed to scribble on it before it was hastily removed!

Occasionally my father would bring back tour merchandise and I distinctly remember wearing a fabulous bomber style silk Iron Maiden jacket, maybe Beast on the road ( Number of the beast) and Kiss studded leather wrist bands. No wonder I got into the metal scene later on...I must have looked pretty cool for a 10 year old!

That period of my father's life had a huge impact on him. The music, the tours, excitement, stress, meeting people from every corner of the planet, the highs and lows, adapting to 'normal ' life after 5 star hotels and no room service back in our Surrey flat...

It was not always easy for mum either with dad being off on the road for days, weeks or even months at a time..

Clearly having a family was what kept him more balanced in that heady crazy exhilarating world.

Like Yusuf, my father was a very complicated complex soul and very much a seeker in his own way...

My father sometimes wore a straw hat and dreamt of owning land. Dad shared his dream with Yusuf who called him the tillerman ( reference from Tea for the Tillerman, Cat's famous album)

And dad did indeed become the tillerman just over a decade later...

Cyprus

Me on the donkey with Cat's aunt and uncle Nicky and Maria

When I was about 4 or 5 years old we took a family trip to Cyprus and stayed with members of Yusuf's family.

Cat on a donkey in Cyprus around the same period. Image from the book.

According to my mother, we accompanied Cat's niece and nephew on the plane to Cyprus.

We stayed with Cat's uncle Nicky and Maria who very kindly gave up their bedroom for us. Maria would walk the goat up to their daughters house in the evenings.

Given my young age, memories are limited, though I remember the smells of mediterranean food, figs, the bright skies and crystal waters..

Unfortunately I suffered travel sickness so I seem to remember vomiting nearly everywhere we drove and as a curious kid could not get over the grossness of chickens eating up my sick by the roadside!

Sorry guys, that's childhood memories for you...

I also recall suffering from a terrible ear infection and being taken to hospital in a red sports car, maybe Cat's cousin's...

Image: Uncle Nicky and Maria

My mother tells me uncle Nicky worked as a driver at the British Army base. I do seem to recall in the above picture he was removing what could be a cactus a thorn from his hand while taking us on a trip up to the Troodos mountains.

Mum informs me that Friday evening was goats head eating!! Glad I don't remember that part...no wonder I became a vegetarian in my late teens!

Image: Me, dad and uncle Nicky

Cat discovers Islam and becomes Yusuf...

Despite being a huge shock for most of Yusuf's fans, followers and acquaintances, it can't have been entirely a shock to those that knew he was on an infinite journey to find his true spiritual path.

Yusuf describes in depth his journey, both internal and external as he travels to Pakistan, Palestine, Saudia Arabia, Egypt etc on his spiritual quest towards Islam and also for the immense charity work he has always partaken in.

We see the extremly unfortunate timing with world events like the Ayatollah taking power in Iran, the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan and the huge division between East and West ( fuelled by the media and politics)

I do remember people shouting at my own father calling him the Ayatollah Khomeini because of his long beard.!Oh the joys of ignorance!

All of this was further complicated later with the launch of Salman Rushdie's book, 'The Satanic Verses' when Yusuf's unfortunate naivety as a 'young convert' complicated his communication with the press over his related comments on the imposed Fatwah...

All of which were taken out of context and caused immense controversy.

Yusuf/Cat was not a popular figure at this time and there was a backlash against his music.

It does however highlight the often hideous nature of mainstream media and their witch hunts. Unfortunately not much has changed as we can see time and time again with the labelling,' anti semitic' 'anti vaxxer' anti anything if you dare question official rhetoric or the actions of those in 'power'...

Yusuf's spiritual journey has always been of great interest to me and indeed we inherited many of his books which I devoured as a teenager when I began my own seeking...

I experimented with LSD age 18 on a quest to open the doors of perception...

And boy did those doors open! That particular book I believe was Cats' also the collection of Carlos Castaneda among many others...

In the above images you can see just a few of the books that still remain, Teaser and the Firecat was given to me as a kid, the book that Cat wrote and illustrated. Others were from his personal collection and gifts from friends and fans...

There's also a book entitled 'understanding Islam' from Pakistan perhaps from Yusuf's early journeys...

I'm thankful we had such an incredible home library growing up, which I predominantly read from 13 to 18 when I then left home...

There are also paintings and pictures that have been with us forever and only upon removing them from the wall did I discover they were also Yusuf's, like the one below, a gift from his former promotor Harvey Goldsmith:

Unicef, Year of the child concert, London, Wembley 1979

In the above image behind my father and I, is the line up from the historic concert, the last Yusuf played as 'Cat Stevens', also featuring : David Essex, Sky, Wishbone Ash, Gary Numan, The Real Thing...

Cat Stevens, 'Child for a day with David Essex' link below

https://youtu.be/_-FCy_nW0us?si=I1j6B8QtcMQKui7s

At the tender age of 7 I attended this historic gig with mum, (dad was working there behind the scenes) both wearing our matching colorful Peruvian hand knit sweaters (remember these are my childhood memories!)

I'm pretty sure it was David Esssex singing 'Silver dream machine' and Gary Numan who had the most musical impact on me back then! I still love the Gary Numan track, Are friends electric?

However the most impactful memory is going backstage and speaking to Herbie Flowers, world famous bass player (think bass line, Walk on the Wild side, Lou Reed and Space Oddity, David Bowie etc) He was then in the band, Sky, and also happened to be wearing a colorful sweater so mutual admiration all round for our very vibrant sweaters!

Upon hearing my tooth had fallen out, he gave a generous donation to the tooth fairy fund! ( a fiver I think)

The band Sky:

https://theprogressiveaspect.net/blog/2014/12/23/sky-sky-sky-2/?utm_source=chatgpt.com

The band Sky were in our lives for a few years. Mum and dad were also friends with Kevin Peek and his wife who were living locally to us. A few years later upon their return to Australia dad joined them in WA Perth for a number of months in 1983 in an attempt to secure emigration papers for us to move over there. For various reasons this did not happen and 3 years later we settled in Spain instead...

Sky live:

https://youtu.be/P8_H2Iicd0c?si=jUVyEkQnQ0qLWDRG

During that period I also remember the Australian band, 'The Eurogliders' staying over at our flat, maybe this was in 83 when dad returned from Oz...

Eurogliders track, Heaven:

https://youtu.be/ps8g0Y89An0?si=LhMRmqw1SCtyXK0I

The same year , 1979, Yusuf married Fauzia Mubarak Ali at London Regent's Park Mosque

Image from 'Cat on the road to findout'

On attending Yusuf/Cats's wedding with my parents, all I remember is the beautiful blue outfit my mother wore, even the sensation of the material and then the ghastly experience of vomiting over my shiny black patent shoes after being car sick in the cab to London (again) !

Yusuf mentions my father's appearance at his wedding in the extract below:

'Even my excessively curly and long haired personal road manager, Carlos Braganza Jones, looked respectable with a colourful Turkistan cap he'd picked up for the occasion'

A couple years on I was bridesmaid at my parent's weddings as was my own daughter at my wedding only a decade or so later!

My wedding. Morning has broken was played when I walked down the aisle

It's amusing now looking back and remembering my shock as a young teen with the realisation of how famous Yusuf Cat Stevens actually was as it had been all so normal for me.

I didn't think anyone else really knew who he was. Oh how liberating the naivety of youth !

I was never a great fan of Cat's music, especially as a teen and in my 20s when I was far more into various genres of rock, Grunge and Metal and tending towards more psychedelic rock. When it came to the deeper tunes I always leant way more towards Pink Floyd who have always had a deep impact on me since very young,,,

However, one track that has never failed to move me is, 'Where do the children play' which has been present my entire life and remains infinitely relevant to the world. Cat's vision always seemed way ahead on various aspects of the world...

My father was adamant I should never work in the music business despite my insistence to the contrary growing up and citing Sharon Ozbourne as an example.

Of course I did not listen to my father. My very brief attempt at managing some bands in Spain didn't end well when my then 'business partner' disappeared overnight with the bands equipment and more...

From the music business to Islam

Yusuf left the business in his early years as a Muslim and donated most of his musical instruments and Gold albums to charity...

Though we ended up with many items including Cat's famous piano as Yusuf remembers in his book:

My sister and I at the infamous piano

Years later, after many decades in the family, Cat's Barret and Robinson piano was finally auctioned off at Bonhmans in 2018 alongside an amazing vinyl collection, that included many of Cat's personal collection, dad and mum's and mine!

I was not too happy about that nor my personal autograph from Cat which I'd had since my childhood! It all went including my Star Wars sountrack, Abba albums and not to mention an incredible collection of Led Zep, Floyd, Black Sabbath, Santana and so much more that I loved!

Cassettes, bootlegs and studio demos. Really interesting stuff.

We had a bit of a barney over that. Dad was on a path of 'the past is the past' time to clear everything out, a mental and spiritual clear out. Not to mention an OCD clearing spree! I was rather used to these over the years...but I understand more and more given my own brain issues now.

He was helping fund some of my offspring's education which was more important than nostalgia. Given my years as a single parent and on pretty crap wages in Spain, the grandparents helped out when they could. But still , my attachment to some of the old vinyl and photos that we'd had nearly my entire life felt like a sad ending...

The final years

Dad and Yusuf/Cat eventually parted ways in the early 80s and we began a new life in Spain...

We bought land and a ruin and so began the long journey (10 years) of building the family home and many other adventures...

I went on to have 2 daughters and five rescue cats, wrote some books and began my own nomadic journey..

Not long before I heard about Yusuf's new book, I wrote my first kid's book, a great feat for me after suffering a brain injury. The book is dedicated to my two nieces in Dubai, a true story about their runaway cat Lulu in which I found myself quoting from Cat's song, 'Wild World'.

Sometimes it seems his music is always unconsciously present in our lives...

There was no contact with Yusuf/Cat for decades then suddenly my sister went to Yusuf's former book signing in Dubai where she resides. When she approached him she told him who she was and got a personal note in the book for our father and a promise of contact through his PA.

Dad had become a bit of a recluse over the last years but seemed excited about reconnecting with Yusuf who clearly has a very busy life with non stop travelling...

So while my father secretly hoped for a reunion, their's were two very different lives now...

Unfortunately it was not to be.

2021 was for us and many others, a hideous year. We had already lost my young cousin in very traumatic circumstances only months before, then my 'Swedish' uncle Ashley passed and finally after 6 weeks fighting for his life in hospital, dad passed age 79...

Three very special males in our family gone.

My brother and I were following Yusuf on instagram where my brother commented on a post asking for prayers for our father's recovery. Someone close to Cat picked up on it and passed on the message..

Yusuf recorded a message to dad which was played at his beside. Due to horrid Covid restrictions, we were not permitted to be in there but some kind nurses played the message as well as Cat's songs for him...

So dad did connect with Yusuf in the end.

We know even in a coma there is awareness, so in spite of everything, at the end of our father's life Yusuf and his music was present once again...

Image: Dad, Lola and Yas

Conclusion

Yusuf's book is well recommended, not just for fans of his music but for an insight into an incredibly interesting life journey: The life of a music icon, his path to Islam and his observations of that period through political turmoils.

This includes the height of tension between East and West post 9/11 when the world changed forever and how he and his faith were portrayed during this dark period...

He offers us a glimpse into the highs and lows of the music industry and many personal disclosures such as the emotive heart wrenching experience of losing their infant son and his beloved mother soon after...

For me personally, reading the book has been both an emotional and enlightening journey down memory lane, giving me greater insight into the world my father worked in as well as who is Yusuf.

I feel gratitude for having had such an interesting vibrant childhood and especially growing up surrounded by live music, a love that has never left me .

Yusuf/Cat Stevens book

Link to Yusuf's website:

https://somuchlefttoknow.catstevens.com/

For some brilliant tracks from the 70s and 80s here is my track list:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLbiPhx0kPN5UKx119xs1VAHZU4cpjpNNQ&si=ee63NbBQUJO9t1f-

Bell tent nomads Spain

2025-04-03T11:17:00.000-07:00

So, we have been full time bell tent dwellers since October 2024, first in the countryside now in the mountains!

I've shared in our posts/videos our previous spot with our bell tent, small caravan and covered outdoor kitchen, however now it's more basic with just the bell tent! We are completely off grid in the Spanish mountains amongst the pine trees, on a friend's land. It's the perfect moment, beginning of spring and the right climate.

I'm really glad we have a bell tent with two openings, it gives extra light and air and possibility of two entrances/ exits also for safety.

We are also undertaking a van renovation project which will open up possibilities for travel and work, watch this space!

See our video on YouTube here: https://youtu.be/hbY-ySopukA?si=jAF8tgOxQuduf_Tz

Life in a bell tent off grid in Spain

2025-01-29T03:21:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I last wrote as the journey of recovery from the brain damage (brain bleed from anti depressant Brintellix) has been tough, however...

Despite the many lows, I'm proud to report that my partner and I have carried out our off grid project over these past months and created a wonderful space!
Gabe arrived in Spain in August, leaving behind his life in Denmark, coming to be with me at my family land on the Costa blanca.

My parents purchased the land back in 1987, an amazing story in itself, a 10 year project to build a family home from a ruin and create a small paradise....

Pic below, Casa Bethany in 1987 and over 10 years later...

Six and a half thousand metres of almond and olive trees long abandoned which became a lush exotic enclave as my father sought to recreate a mini tropical paradise much like his Indian origins.

I've had a love hate complex relationship with the land since my early teens for it dominated our lives for decades and became the centre of everything for our family despite many attempts by my late father to then sell it on. However, it was meant to remain within in our family for some higher reason...

The property was once featured on a famous British TV programme over 20 years ago about ex pats in Spain. An article about our life in Spain and how we got here ( related to my father working with Yusuf Cat Stevens back in the day) was almost featured in the Sunday Times newspaper. There are many stories to tell!

In the meantime, if you've read my other blog posts, you will know about my various experiences of caravan life in the mountains and beyond as well as at a donkey sanctuary. I needed nature, simplicity and a healing space, and finally my little caravan ended up on the family land...

The caravan I had converted was fine as a bedroom but certainly not a living space for 2 people, particularly in the winter months.

So, on a shoestring budget, the idea was to create a simple living space, a base where to heal.

Some might say a project with a new partner while still unwell was a bit much and at times it has been, but equally creating something new and special has been part of the healing journey.

We looked at caravans for sale locally but the truth is they are very pricey in Spain compared to the UK.

In any case we weren't sure about the living space: Two people who have not been together long, living together in a small space was always potentially a challenge!
We looked at second hand Yurts which I'd been fascinated with for a long time, amazing but still pricey...

In the meantime my caravan had to be moved from one part of the land ( the car park!) to the spot where we would be living. This meant it being moved by a tow truck and then lifted by a small crane over the fence through our neighbours land.

This took days of organising and preparing as well as help from friends!
Meanwhile after much deliberation, Gabe showed me some of the bell tent research he had done and prices that were much more accessible right now than a Yurt. Of course the quality is not comparable but we needed to start somewhere. The idea was for the bell tent to be the main living space, while the caravan would be for sleeping and cooking until we created an outdoor kitchen.

I'd always loved the 'Glamping tents' but I was still anxious about this idea.

We could sleep at my mother's sometimes but of course we need our privacy as a couple!

Any project requires planning and preparation but with my troubled brain and his ( also had his own brain trauma) this was even more challenging!

We finally decided on a 6 metre diameter bell tent from Germany.

We built a base which we made with about 30 second hand pallets ( another exciting journey finding someone to deliver what ended up being about 50 pallets!) all of which had to be placed in position, nailed together and the slats lined for minimal spacing between. We placed them on a huge tarp then covered them with another tarp and artificial grass on top. Multiple layers to protect us from the damp, though basically we just winged it! Making it up as we went along.

It wasn't quite as easy to assemble as the instructions led us to believe and much swearing ensued!
Fortunately we also purchased a fly sheet, a crucial addition, an exterior cover to protect the tent from both sun damage and damp and to prolong it's life span...

I was shocked when the tent was finally esembled:The tent is over 3 metres in height at the centre point! It looked like a circus tent!

So, what's it like living in a bell tent? I'm.not going to lie, when it was first put up I was at first in awe then thought, shit! What have we done? I felt closed in with no windows and instantly thought, I don't want to live in a big tent!

However when both doors are open ( also in hot weather all sides can be opened up) it is a very different sensation. Of course, as we began to furnish it, bringing in rugs and decorations the space was instantly transformed.

I looked at images for inspiration.
A friend gifted us wooden flooring and a dining table and slowly a home was created.

The timing was incredibly fortunate as literally days later some of the worst weather in years hit our region and we experienced what severe rains and winds felt like in a bell tent!
It was nerve wracking and went on for weeks.
We were incredibly fortunate to not have suffered like those close by in Valencia.

It was traumatic hearing what was happening there with the terrible flooding whilst being battered in our tent. The noise of the rain was overwhelming and the wind was frightening but the tent stood its ground. No damage!

That was the one time we went to sleep at my mother's mainly because of my extreme noise sensitivity.

Here you get a taste of it on my youtube video and this wasn't even that heavy!

Youtube:

https://youtube.com/shorts/xVBioy69bF8?si=qcSOfjx_ScBsTc9z

What is winter like in a bell tent?

People have often expressed concern about our wellbeing in the winter but I can honestly say heat wise we have been fine: we have a gas fire which warms the tent beautifully and fast.And anyone who knows Mediterranean winters know it's often warmer outside than in most Spanish homes! We have been warmer in the tent than many in their houses! One morning recently the temperature dropped below freezing! But we were fine.

We air the tent daily and no damp or mould has appeared. We are 4 months in now during Autumn and Winter, so far so good!
We also decided to purchas a diesel heater for the caravan which again works fast and efficiently to heat the small space.

We have one large solar panel and two lithium batteries plus my old small solar panel and battery to power the tent and caravan.

We did our research though again it's all a learning curve as we then realised we need another panel in order to work our fridge, though small, new and energy efficient but still more power needed!
In any case, we have lights, can charge our laptops and phones and use a TV with my laptop.

We then went on and built the outdoor kitchen; my idea was to use the leftover pallets though we had to purchase roofing and posts .We used cheap plastic for the sides to keep wind and rain out, not the most attractive but does the job.

Even doing the project on a shoestring budget everything adds up including minor essentials such as nails! The building materials have gone up in cost but the prices in Spain shocked Gabe even compared to Denmark.

Water is of course fundamentally important. The land has agua de riego =agricultural water. We fill up multiple water bottles with the hose pipe but don't use it for drinking of course. Again, much room for improvement at a later date...

Where is the toilet? The first thing the women ask!

We have 2 small camping portable toilets, one which stays permamnetly in the toilet tent adjacent to the caravan, we use this as a dry toilet basically using sawdust and a bag.

The other one I use as an overnight pee bucket in the caravan!

This has been my only issue given I have long term intestinal issues, so running out the caravan to our tiny toilet tent in the middle of the night with temperatures as low as minus 5 degrees at one point or being battered by rain as nature calls...well yeah...not fun! We erected some more plastic around the toilet tent and connected it to the kitchen area so I don't have to get quite as battered by the elements in moments of need but again, another longer term project, bathroom...

Fortunately we can shower at the house and outdoor shower for the warm period will be easy to make. We've looked at ideas using the large plastic water containers and pallets etc
For now we have a simple home base which has taught us a lot.

We are both happy with the choice of the bell tent. Absolutely we would also upgrade to a bigger caravan at some point, one with a bathroom!

But the tent works really well as an extra spacious living area. What would I improve with the bell tent? I would love it to have windows.
For me being able to see the surrounding nature whilst being inside is pretty important particularly when the weather is bad and the doors are closed but so far for the price vs quality we are pretty impressed

Now we are focusing on getting through the winter and recovering with some amazing natural medicine including lion's mane and being grateful for the beautiful surroundings on this land that has already seen so many adventures!

Here you can see my video on youtube explaining our off grid story:

life in a bell tent off grid in spain

Tales from a Danish forest. Part two.

2024-07-05T09:20:00.000-07:00

As I reach the final day of this latest Danish adventure, I reflect back on the last 4 weeks spent here...

A combination of forests and beaches this time!

Each trip (3 in all amounting to around 9 weeks total) has been very different due to external circumstances and my own internal journey.

This part month has been a beautiful introduction into a Danish summer, how stunning the area becomes on a hot summer's day!

The long light nordic days and short nights reminded me of a Norwegian family trip when I was a child, the confusing midnight sun...

Though not as extreme down here, it's still a welcome contrast to the short dark days of winter that I experienced here back in December.

The summer solstice was an incredibly special experience with an amazing sunset and not another human in sight!

I had no idea how incredible the Danish beaches are and that's just the few I got to see in the Lolland Falster area...

Coming from Spain's Costa Blanca, which is simultaneously beautiful yet a stark sad reminder of what happens when greed takes over from conscious preservation of the natural environment, it was wonderful to see these well preserved, cared for beaches preserving their natural habitat.

I was heartened to see these endless sandy beaches lined with dunes and just a peak of wooden summer houses hidden behind the trees, not a skyscraper or luxury hotel in sight...

This is not to say they do not exist, simply they were well hidden from the beaches!

We explored beaches such as Marielyst or swam in the crystal clear waters of the Nakskov fjord.

I love the wooden walkways with steps down to the water, each with an area for leaving one's personal possessions and often a Sauna for combining the heat and cold dips!

Picture below.

It has taken some adjustment to not jump out of the very shallow waters each time the pink translucent jellyfish brush against me, fascinating harmless creatures. These are known as the common jellyfish here...

During this period, I became an avid rock and fossil hunter, learning that there are endless varieties of flint and stone not to mention the elusive Amber...

We did our research and headed out on many occasions though soon realising that possessing the correct tools would help as well as stormy weather which washes up this ancient resin on the beaches, certainly in abundance in more specific areas of the Baltic and North sea side of Denamrk, Jutland.

Still, I found endless amounts of Belemnites and other fossils and began to learn more about the history of the area and the country.

The following pictures are of Møn Klint, a UNESCO Biosphere Reserve, an absolute must see. It is located on the island Møn, just under two hours South of Copenhagen.

The white chalk cliffs of Møn are stunning and seeped in geological history. It is very popular for fossil hunting. The combination of white chalk and sunlight makes it breathtakingly bright and is known as the cold Caribbean.

I was transfixed by its beauty and powerful energy.

Another interesting place definitely worth visiting is the Dodekalitten art instalation at Kragenæ, Lolland, combining magnificent sculptures with sound and a stunning landscape, a breathtaking sensorial experience.

Unfortunately our trip was cut short due to bad weather but I would defintely love to return and spend some quality time. Nearby you can also visit ancient burial mounds...

https://en.dodekalit.dk/

I was curious as to why the Danish flag (Dannebrog, red background with a white Nordic cross) seemed to be visible almost everywhere including outside people's homes...

Given the debates surrounding the symbolism of the national flags back home in UK and Spain, I was curious as to the connotations of the flag here.

What I found out seems very different from the supposed toxic nationalism from other countries, here seems more of a national pride surrounding the ancient history of the flag said to be the oldest in the world and flown at every opportunity for a celebration, whether personal (birthday, anniversary, birth etc) or national. More symbolic of joy and sharing as oppose to the fear of a dangerous nationalism.

This was refreshing...

Now, I wouldn't exactly describe myself as a linguist but I was curious about the various Latin based words I recognised immediately such as billets, gratis and vin

https://www.ezglot.com/common-words?l=dan&l2=lat&lang=eng

A quick peek at Danish history sites revealed that historic texts were predominantly written in Latin until the Protestant reformation moving away from the power of the Vatican, aside from basic regional laws written in local Danish jargon so the people of the land (as oppose to Latin speaking aristocracy) would understand.

Until the 16th century Danish was a combination of dialects until the introduction of a standard language based on the dialects of Copenhagen and Malmo, though Latin and German continued to predominate until the 1700s.

Danish is a most complex language! If I were to spend more time here in the future I would bravely begin learning...

Below are pictures of Sankt Hans on the eve of the 23rd of June. This has alwways been one of my favourite nights of the year in Spain, the traditional San Juan celebration.

I was most pleased to see this is also celebrated in the Nordics and in particular locally, so we could wander down and observe.

A local clergyman was giving a laid back speech about the tradition and comparing some of the equivalent modern day witch hunts including the mainstream media! This information I gleaned from my translator boyfriend. It was a mellow event with song and laughter and the burning of the bonfire.

I have been used to some very enjoyable raucous San Juan celebrations on Spanish beaches but this was a much calmer softer version in a tiny village but still a very magical evening...

So to conclude, this has been a most memorable and special trip and leaves me wanting to return and explore in much greater depth.

I feel very blessed to have experienced these incredible places.

Are you there God? It's me, Amanita Muscaria. Part One.

2024-07-01T07:59:00.000-07:00

Are you there God? It's me, Amanita Muscaria. Part One.

Amanita Muscaria/Fly Agaric: An introduction to my journey

An exploratory journey into plant medicine and my healing...

Yes reader, you are correct in thinking I must have read Judy Blume as a teen, reference in the title!

It was our 80's go to manual to navigate the stormy seas of adolescence, though nowadays my go to manual for navigating life on Earth is slightly different but let's start at the beginning...

Why did I begin my Amanita journey?

I was being 'treated' for major depressive disorder and was on the antidepressant Trintellix aka Brintellix, (Vortioxetine) and consequently suffered severe adverse effects.

I am in recovery and doing much better, thanks to my own knowledge, research and support from family and friends.

You can read a lot more about my Trintellix/Brintellix journey in the link below:

https://1000milesfromnowhere.blogspot.com/2024/04/brintellixvortioxetine-my-journey-to.html

As the side effects of my meds were becoming more and more obvious, I prepared myself mentally for withdrawal (am still suffering some of the effects as I write this) I knew I had to have something natural prepared to help me when the moment was right.

I did not want to risk beginning anything until fully off the antidepressants for fear of inducing further adverse reactions and until I'd cleaned out my system as thoroughly as possible.

Many of my side effects were similar to those of my friend who recently had a Stroke/TIA.

As I write this, one of my ongoing effects is APHASIA or ALEXIA and AGRAPHIA

I can tell you it has been most bizarre to write something and then try reading it out loud only to say something completely different to what is in front of me! For example, book/hook...

It's a little frightening to be honest with you and upsetting. I have found I have to really concentrate and speak extra slowly when reading aloud...

I was prescribed the highly addictive Diazepam for a period as the 'medical professionals' stated there is nothing else that would help and this was obviously only a short term solution. This was also to help with the 'mania' that I was experiencing, as If I were on amphetamines.

Did I really want this to become my next issue?! Sure, the odd pill here and there in cases of emergency but I know first hand what this particular Benzo is capable of...

My journey into plant medicine and belief systems

I've been interested in the healing properties of psychedelics for years, have listened to podcasts, watched documentaries, read books etc

I've done more extensive research on psilycybin and at one point was in contact with King's college London regarding clinical trials they were carrying out for a particular mental health disorder.

However, apart from some amateur dabbling decades ago, it wasn't until 2021 that I began my serious medicinal healing journey following my father's passing and began exploring my grief and traumas.

The ceremony experiences were profound and positive, something I shall write about more in depth at a later date, particularly DMT, 'The Spirit Molecule'.

Unfortunately, I did not begin a psilycybin micro dosing journey which I profoundly wish I'd done. Looking back now if I'd had the right knowledge in that moment, things could have been very different but sadly I turned to pharmaceuticals with disastrous results.

And so, enter AMANITA MUSCARIA aka FLY AGARIC.

I am at very beginning of my Amanita journey, learning all about this incredible fungi and the many different varieties of mushrooms.

I first listened to Amanita Dreamer last year and found her story to be fascinating as well as all as the information she had acquired on her personal Amanita journey. I highly recommend checking out her site for in-depth information.

https://www.amanitadreamer.net/

Also another great source with important information and facts, Biophilia aka StoneAgeMan interviewing Baba Masha:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13Uw67GNyAw

It was upon meeting my boyfriend that I really began to deep dive more into Amanita.

He had begun using it for similar reasons as my own re: nervous system crash and trauma as well as to replace the rather unpleasant Ritalin he had been prescribed following an ADD diagnosis.

He collected it in the Danish forests where he lives and, following his own research, began preparation and dosage, reporting that it had changed his life most certainly for the better.

So, what is Amanita Muscaria?Also known as Fly Agaric:

Amanita Muscaria is the most iconic of all mushrooms, the red and white speckled mushroom, visible globally on posters, ads, TV shows, garden ornaments...it is THE mushroom we all recognize yet understand so little about.

It is NOT of the same variety as the Psilicybin mushroom/magic mushroom as its popularly known, though Amanita is psychoactive.

The genus AMANITA contains several hundred types of agarics or mushrooms/toadstalls. Some of these are highly TOXIC especially the deadly DEATH CAP mushroom (Amanita Phalloides).

This looks NOTHING like the AMANITA MUSCARIA mushroom.

Common sense is crucial. I would not randomly walk through the forests and eat everything I find with no Knowledge of what it is.

Despite reports of toxicity, I read that no deaths from this type of Amanita mushroom have been reported in the last 100 years!

There is much fear, misinformation, propaganda, lack of common sense. Many things can be dangerous when administered incorrectly: Would you take one paracetamol or 50 paracetamol to aid with your pain or headache? One glass of wine or ten bottles?

Do you take care precautions when preparing food in order to prevent food poisoning?

Likewise, You learn which mushroom is safe and how to prepare it.

Caution, correct preparation and correct dosage is fundamental in achieveing the desired effects and I will explain more on this in a moment.

Amanita Muscaria has a long rich history of use by Shamans the globe over and is considered by some to be the sacred mushroom. In Mega/heroic doses it is used in spiritual rituals for astral travel, prophetic visions, spiritual cure etc

The image of the Fly Agaric is strongly linked to the tradition of Santa Claus and the Christmas festivities, indeed in some areas of Europe it has become common place to hang Amanitas on the Christmas tree, a belief that has its origins in Pagan traditions that related the Amanita with fertility and rebirth of nature during the winter solstice.

There Seem to be different regulations surrounding this shroom in different countries, in the Nordic regions and areas of Russia, where there is historic cultural use and shamanic tradion, there may be more permissiveness regarding its consumption in specific context.

In Spain (where I habitually reside) it is not regulated as a drug unlike other psychoactive shrooms like the Psylocybin variety, therefore there are no specific regulations banning its use. It is up to the individual to decipher its effects.

The link below will take you to a very interesting deep dive and describes the many properties and uses of Amanita, history and studies carried out:

https://chacruna.net/fly-agaric-amanita-muscaria-traditional-modern-therapeutic-uses/

'This ability to impart courage (or reduce anxiety) also played an important role in the shamanic use of this fungi. Among the Khanty, bears have been observed eating the fly agaric “during the rutting season in order ‘not to fear," a practice that has been compared with the shaman “who eats [fly agaric] not only for foretelling the future after having dreamed frightening events but also in order to encourage himself before meeting several spirits” (Saar, 1991a: 163, quoting Kulemzin, 1984).

In this way, the fly agaric not only provides the shaman with the means for his otherworldly travels, but also imparts the courage necessary to embark on the journey in the first place.'

I'm sure there are many articles out there regarding the stories of the Vikings and the Fly Agaric, particularly 'The Beserkers' (going beserk anyone?) but I can only comment following my personal experience with Amanita that it would be IMPOSSIBLE to go beserk having dosed on this mushroom!

However, having read the following article that mentions 'courage' being one of the emotions felt having ingested A M then who knows...P

Perhaps they took it after battle to calm and realign, rebalance after horrific violence and bloodshed?

https://www.historyextra.com/period/viking/the-truth-about-viking-berserkers/

Preparation of Fly Agaric and its effects:

If you are not purchasing the Amanita Muscaria from a trusted source then it is very Important to collect them in an uncontaminated area due to its propensity in absorbing heavy metals.

The Amanita Muscaria is known to grow under the Pine and Birch trees, which is where we find them here in the Danish forests.

Here is a good simple video explaining the preparation process:

https://youtu.be/21zuQAPPCYc?si=2lclGeDwEmQStnkq

As I stated before, I am a complete newbie at this, finding my way, understanding the chemical process and correct dosage...

When you heat the Amanita and carry out the decarboxylation process correctly, it converts the Ibotenic acid into Muscimol and this helps prevent the unpleasant effects of cramping, nausea and vomits.

Reportedly, Ibotenic acid levels is what causes the nausea etc.

We have done the 20 minute preparation for microdosing and the 3 hour preparation for taking much larger doses. I have not experienced any unpleasant nausea, cramps or stomach problems with large doses after the 3 hour decarboxylation preparation. With the short prep I have only taken 1 dose (1 gram).

I have some intestinal issues, sometimes serious, so the preparation and understanding was of great importance as I did not want to induce any side effects that could trigger my gut issues.

Just like conventional medicine, it can interact with medications like antidepressants or antipsychotics.

I would strongly advise waiting until your system is clear before beginning your journey...

I am currently experimenting in finding the correct dosage for my nervous system and not to further accelerate my mind.

More information from Amanita Dreamer:

https://www.amanitadreamer.net/post/decarb-amanita-muscaria

https://www.amanitadreamer.net/post/prepareamanita

How does Amanita Muscaria feel?

I have found so far that a one gram or two (as ice cubes) of the long (3 hr) preparation has a very soothing effect like a natural version of Valium/Diazepam. I have taken up to 6 grams over a couple of hours and just felt very calm and subsequently eased me into a deeper sleep.

Sometimes in the morning I have a very slight heavy head, in fact exactly same as Valium or slight hangover, which then disappears.

It completely soothes and calms the nervous system.

I find I can focus much better, I don't feel like I'm breaking into pieces or about to have a severe panic attack as I have been feeling both on and off the meds...

It softens the edges...

I do sometimes notice a kind of wave of heat come over me after I've taken it, though because I'm in the menopause it's often hard to differentiate from the hot flushes!

My boyfriend states that sometimes when he has not taken it, feels unfocused, everything around him feels rougher, harsher...

Who knows? Maybe Amanita won't be my plant medicine, maybe it will be something else or nothing?

Find what works for you, the correct dosage, chemical response and spiritual response...

I don't want to depend on anything, I simply want something natural that can help me when I need it alongside a holistic approach with what I'm doing now; Healthy Keto diet, intermittent fasting, Yoga, meditation and finding joy in small things...

Life can be a severely tough journey, losing multiple loved ones, ill health, global conflict and much more that we will no doubt face sooner or later...

I believe nature gifted us with her solutions to help us on this journey.

I will update further as I gather more Amanita Muscaria experiences...

Peace X

If Music Be The Food Of Love Play On. Part 2

2024-06-18T07:06:00.000-07:00

If music be the food of love play on...

In these times of global insanity as the world hurtles to the next level of NUTS I shall refrain from engaging with it and instead take a trip down memory lane and recollections of great music and crazy times...

Party on Wayne! Party on Garth! That's only funny if you know Wayne's World and you understand the nature of what came next...

Or as my eldest daughter called us all, the rock version of the TV sitcom, Friends!

Fast forward a couple of years from part one and I find myself reconnecting with an old friend Bobysan bass player, who had joined forces with a fellow Dutch man, the new kid in town, Jozz.

Jozz had started a band back in the Netherlands in 2000 called Floodstain. This was a Stoner band with Sludge and Metal influences.

Now living in Spain, Jozz was eager to meet likeminded musicians and continue with the music and along came Bobysan...

When I had first met Bobysan many years previously he had been a young musician playing with mutual friends in various bands. My eldest daughter and I (she just a toddler!) were in a fun video featuring the guys skateboarding and making music.

I was really happy to reconnect with these old friends and even more so that there was some true quality music going on. As soon as I heard Jozz’s vocals and guitar playing, I was hooked. He is a truly versatile vocalist and I loved the likeness to one of my favourite all time ever vocalists, Chris Cornell.

And so the next chapter of Floodstain began, the Spain based chapter!

I believe the first album I ever heard by Floodstain was the 2007 album, ‘Dreams make monsters’ where I instantly fell in love with the track, You lose alone. The moody vibe that captures me every time: building up to a crescendo of heroic guitar sounds that send me into my transdimensional space goat state!

Watch the band play the track live. Link below:

https://youtu.be/veAKflPSha4?si=DAW8qdQq9AH0t1P0

I loved the heavy melodic riffs and general moodiness.

You see, I was a big Alice in Chains fan as well as Soundgarden, Pearl Jam and Nirvana etc

I liked various metal bands but it was really the Grunge scene that had got me. It just felt like there was way more depth to their lyrics in response to the LA cock rock scene! The gloomy Seattle weather probably had something to do with it too...

Floodstain really spoke to me on that level and there was nothing like them in our area.

https://floodstain.bandcamp.com/album/dreams-make-monsters

I was most definitely excited to have such a great band local to me as I loved the music, the scene, and accompanying them to gigs all over the place.

And more importantly, no more attempting to be Sharon Osbourne!

I remember the first time I set eyes on Jozz, must have been around 2010, with his long hair and cowboy hat, quite a distinctive looking character.

We had some interesting chats and arguments, both of us being quite opinionated on music!

Then came the album, Slave To The Self Feeding Machine.

"New album of the band demonstrates high quality of music and professionalism of the musicians. The followers of Fu Manchu, Kyuss and Queens Of The Stone Age on the one hand fit the canons of the genre and, on the other hand, deliver original powerful tracks filled with outstanding riffs and inexhaustible energy. The album has a potential to become a gold standard of the genre and a pleasant discovery for the fans of this style." Badmood man music

I absolutely loved the epic Slumbering Titan Slayer, what a track. A Song full of surprises at every turn..deep dark heavy riffs...tempo speeds up then morphs into long drawn out dreamy blues section...then just as you bliss out..bam!

Listen here:

https://badmoodmanmusic.bandcamp.com/album/slave-to-the-self-feeding-machine?t=5

or here:

https://youtu.be/5jZatapy3K8?si=eJm-TFsuTfulJ3_L

Speaking of Alice in Chains and Pearl Jam, I went with Bobysan and some friends to the Mad Cool festival in 2018 to see them play. I was extremely excited to see them again. I hadn't seen Pearl Jam since 1992 though I had seen Alice In Chains in the UK around 2010 I think, without Layne Stayley of course...

Alice in Chains was amazing back then and I was a big fan of Jerry Cantrell, their set had really blown me away and so I had high hopes for this gig...

Unfortunately for me, neither Pearl Jam nor Alice in Chains blew me away this time. I loved hearing the classics but the music didn't move me as I had expected it to...

However, upon seeing Jack White, I was pretty stunned by his performance which was absolutely outstanding! What a performer!

Maybe I have changed? Or maybe it was all the wrong setting? Previously I had seen both Seattle bands in much smaller intimate settings..

Who knows?

So, back to Floodstain: We were a close group of friends that accompanied the band to their various gigs and often joked we were their loyal groupies, always by their side.

The band gigged around Spain, the Netherlands and Denmark during this time. I was unable to go further afield due to my parental responsibilities, the only one in the friend group with a young family of my own.

Like most bands, there were changes to the line up along the way. In Floodstain’s case this meant drummers, during this time we had Pablo Doom and Vesso.

I may have retired from management but there was more than one occasion where I could be found driving the band's van with erm, let’s say a rather inebriated lot rolling around in the back!

I had had 3 VW campervans over the years as had my parents, so driving a van was one of my great loves, hence I was one of the chosen few permitted to take control of the wheel, and the band!

As I have mentioned before , the area in which we lived was not an easy spot for bands with original material, particularly for bands like Floodstain and their particular genre. I guess it was more of an underground scene.

There were a few places that hosted the more alternative groups and the raves, like the infamous Mistelera, a place local to me run by a collective that used the place for the arts and to hang out. Oh, we had many a fun night there! They even had their own radio station where they once interviewed me and my dad talking about his musical past..

It was there I made friends with a local death metal group called, Malroin and I began dating the ‘vocalist’.

They're nice boys really mum!

I have to say that was quite the experience. I strongly disliked this genre of music! Man, I found it offensive to my ears...

The guys were great fun, and though they took their music seriously they did not take themselves seriously, so very important that the ego be kept in its place!

They would put on quite a show, painting their faces and my BF would do a fire act which often ended in him setting fire to his beard!

Despite recognising their individual musical talent as musicians, particularly the drummer and guitarist, I really could not handle the music.

Yes, Floodstain was heavy but oh so melodic. The others were a huge wave of noise and impossible to distinguish any lyrics other than Puchero which sounded like he was shrieking about his gran’s stew!

But, hey, that's just my taste and opinion. They had many loyal followers and put on a great show for sure.

There were many crazy gigs that I accompanied these guys to and yes, I enjoyed their company and my ears still suffered considerably!

I recall one funny day, the attempt of making a music video, which I believe was never finished, where I just happened to be comforting a decapitated zombie head!

Below you can see a version of said video and the band playing live at the Mistelera:

https://youtu.be/usxTT60jDzk?si=cNK_BMuoXByOEcRm

live at The Mistelera:

https://youtu.be/LHW5erhRJSk?si=X2GXsmhm9G873FwY

Just another day in the neighbourhood!

They also shared the stage with Floodstain on more than one occasion.

As I said, venues could be an issue but one great venue, small but rather legendary in the area was the bar Quatre in Rock Street, Pedreguer, that been hosting national and international bands for years in the small village where I ended up living for a while. Apart from Benidorm or the cities, there were few venues like this on the coast. Photo below, a few of us outside, enjoying the ambiente!

The bar is still open but unfortunately no longer hosts live bands due to noise restrictions...

During this time I had completed my first novel, A Thousand Miles From Nowhere which both bands helped me promote. Above picture is Bluesweiser with US band, Whiskey Dick helping with the book promotion!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/THOUSAND-MILES-NOWHERE-SAFFRON-CASTRO-ebook/dp/B013I2DYB8/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?crid=3PXRUDO9IAEOV&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Jb6JuefhWHzHUiCD95hi1FmwZgrRbdMhgzoGTg9G_FKJo8vYP3wqjevNiLa85dLc_yjDJmkWvZ5_FIOs_0Dhyw.JU6GMOr8JVNQaXjTofviSJuD3d8E0vT0f2kPuf7osDg&dib_tag=se&keywords=saffron+mello+castro&qid=1718718799&sprefix=saffron+mello+castro%2Caps%2C95&sr=8-1-fkmr0

I was also blogging non stop and took the opportunity to interview US band, The Posies, at a local music festival as a freelance journalist!

See link below:

https://1000milesfromnowhere.blogspot.com/2014/08/the-posies-and-arse-of-world.html

Meanwhile, back to Floodstain...

The band wanted to branch out and have a change of direction also reflecting their personal growth and evolution...

And Bluesweiser was born. It began as an acoustic set, Bluesweiser campfire experience which also made it much easier to find gigs and access the public...

Blues Weiser´s influences reach as far as the sounds of 70’s Dutch psychedelic blues rock from bands as Group1850, The Livin Blues & Focus. While growing up in the 90ties and getting heavily inspired by its grunge scene their music shifted towards the question: What if Nirvana, Soundgarden, Pearl jam were blues bands and how would they sound? This led to the evolution of the band’s sound

I loved this new direction, a combination of my faourite genres.

Again various drummers passed through, Sennen, Alex, Mike and at one point Lee on guitars, all adding variety and talent.

Along came the album, Booze For Blues, with some classics such as

Guardrail cruiser: Catchy, heavy, fast tempo, with surprises throughout...

and Ain't nothing I own: Another of my slow moody deep dark favourites..

Nothing boring and samey round here, testament to the versatility of Bluesweiser's sound.

https://blues-weiser.bandcamp.com/album/booze-for-blues

A combination of more radio friendly, crowd friendly up tempo, up beat, fun rock combined with blues, psychedelia then back into deep dark slower heavy riffs...

It also featured, Be Careful What You Wish for: One of the many memorable moments was the making of the video for this track.

It was filmed in the house Bobysan was sharing with his friend Carla and what can I say, it was more like a scene out of American Pie combined with Wayne's World! Except, let's face it, a lot of us were over 40! Old habits die hard...

It was meant to be a Karaoke party, the friends all partaking in the song and then the real band would take over...

It was fun and raucous : A real party which you will see in video link below:

https://youtu.be/ntzGSmS00f4?si=sJJ0EsE17F_6aiY7

I distinctly remember ending up wearing my friends unicorn onesie with my cowboy boots and not much more. I suppose it could have been worse...

Denys:

I can't remember the exact day I first met Denys but I do remember the first real conversation with him at the band's gig in the Rockstar, Benidorm. Who knows if it was a Floodstain gig or Bluesweiser? It all becomes a blur but I do remember being impressed with his poetry and amazing grasp of the English language with a better vocabulary than most native speakers...

Denys became the official band photographer and videographer.

He also loved the music so soon became my friend and fellow gig mate!

Gigs, parties, meet ups, there was a whole group of us who would coincide, share and enjoy the musical experience.

The band continued evolving and experimenting with genres and direction...

Obey The Booze was full of surprises and I absolutely loved Echoes of oblivion an amazing eclectic mix of sounds, tempos and mystic psychedelic delights...

No Input Signal another of my favourites, a driving sing along in my case...

All the above tracks and more can be found on this excellent live album:

https://open.spotify.com/album/4GAqBSfSLhGTVQ3MUV57Gv?si=yS12YrM6QuWeEE4REYBJlg

The band continued playing but things began to change...

Sadly Denys returned to Ukraine and soon after the war broke out...

I left the country for a while and not long after my return Bluesweiser parted ways after a good few years together.

This was sad but nothing lasts forever and change is important...

Recently Bluesweiser turned a new corner with jozz's talented girlfriend Nina, a great musician , joining forces with him to produce new material and new directions...

From what I have already heard, there is some exciting new material on the horizon...

New memories and experiences will be formed...

Life and people move on, things change and evolve but the love of music remains...

And that, my friends, is the end of this tale!

Follow the band here:

bandcamp

https://www.instagram.com/blues.weiser

https://www.facebook.com/BluesWeiserRock/

If Music Be The Food Of Love Play On. Part One

2024-06-15T09:13:00.000-07:00

Part One

The moment when the music is so good you turn into a transdimensional spacegoat…

“If music be the food of love play on…”

Well, Shakespeare had that one right in my humble opinion at least, not the spacegoat bit, that's just me having one of my moments...

From what we know about human history in some capacity or other, music has always been present in myriad forms: To summon the spirit world with chants and rhythm, entertain the ruling classes in the courts, the troubadour, the storyteller, gathering around the campfire connecting over the shared love of a tune…

Where would we be without it?

I grew up surrounded by music.

My parents were music lovers in the 70s, hanging with famous bands and actors in the creative explosion of free thinking London.

This then went to the next level when my father began working in the music business.

He started out roadying for a number of well known bands and was then given the opportunity to work for the legendary Cat Stevens aka Yusuf Cat Stevens.

This would change our lives for some years, or as I contemplate the effect on my father, and indeed all of us back then and beyond, all our lives would change forever for many reasons.

This was my life as a young child in the 70s and early 80s: A mixed race family in the suburbs of London, surrounded by musicians, attending festivals and hanging backstage at big gigs. I was in my universe, surrounded by eclectic sounds and long haired musos (I thought short haired men were strange!) Instruments and tour paraphernalia were the norm around our place. I clearly remember running around wearing a silk Iron Maiden tour jacket and Kiss leather spiked wristbands…

Apparently I was singing ‘dreamer’ by Supertramp as a toddler running around the house, perhaps this was a sign of where my head would be most of my life!

My first festival I’m told was Knebworth, Floyd playing ‘Dark side of the moon’ though apparently dad passed out inebriated and mum and I were the only ones that saw the entire set.

Santana, Pink Floyd, Genesis, Supertramp, Led Zep, Peter Frampton…these were just a few of the non stop sounds around me.

On one holiday we stayed with Yusuf’s family in Cyprus.

We met musicians from around the world and put a few up in our flat in Surrey.

One of dad’s close friends was Gerry Lockran, a well known British blues singer, songwriter, poet and guitarist.

Gerry was Anglo Indian like my own father and from a similar post colonial Indian background. Our families were close and spent many happy camping trips together of which I have very fond memories. Sadly Gerry passed young in 1987 though his memory lives on through his family and music which his son Jason Lockran plays beautifully, a talented musician in his own right.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gerry_Lockran

This was my childhood.

I missed dad when he was on tour and later understood more when listening to my mother’s stories: It can’t have been easy for her at times with dad off traveling and staying in 5 star hotels while she was back in Blighty bringing me up though she did have a happy life back then in many ways.

Dad and Cat

My ears were tuned to distinct sounds and rhythms as I developed a deep love and need for

Music in my life.

Dad was always playing bongos, he loved drumming. He had wanted to be a drummer but according to his stories, my grandfather in India beat that out of him at an early age.

I began creating my own mix tapes very young, maybe 8 or 9. I clearly remember sitting next to the radio cassette listening to the Top 40 on BBC Radio One then waiting impatiently for my favorite tune to begin and pressing record and pause at the exact right moment!

I loved everything from prog rock to Blondie and Abba and so much more.

We had a huge amount of albums which would later quadruple when dad inherited many more from Cat when he turned his back on the music following his conversion to Islam.

We had original studio recordings from so many famous artists where dad had been present including massive hits like Gerry Rafferty's Baker street.

Sadly, all of these are long gone like most of what we had back then.

My father developed a love-hate relationship with the business following Yusuf’s departure and our eventual new life in Spain. I don’t think he ever really left that world behind in soul, the stories, the insane adventures and many people who passed through our lives.

There were a few stories that were repeated throughout my childhood featuring the likes of Iggy Pop, Ozzy Ozbourne; The Boomtown Rats, Mark Knopfler...some insane, some poignant…

Some were still a part of it, like dad’s friend John who had worked closely with Jeff Beck for years but dad became more of a recluse…

Still, there were moments when dad and I would share our musical tastes and debate whilst watching MTV together.

If I was in trouble I would be banned from watching, except he did not know I would crawl out of my bedroom and lay on the floor behind the sofa and watch it with him!

I had a few failed attempts at learning guitar. I just didn’t seem to possess the patience despite my adoration for the instrument.

At one point in the 80s my father was mixing with musicians in Spain and decided there was a severe lack of good festivals (the likes of FIB, Benicassim had not yet been created)

He still possessed his little black book of contacts with the likes of Black Sabbath and Canned Heat, two of the bands he was able to secure. I remember accompanying him to see the potential site just outside Benidorm.

Sadly it didn't happen: If I remember rightly the funding and the local mafia who controlled the big night clubs had something to do with it!

Dad momentarily managed a talented young international band which meant I had fun at the gigs, observing as well as enjoying the music.

That did not end well either unfortunately. We did not have the money to invest in the band so they found another manager who could. However, it seems some members went awol taking items that did not belong to them and Interpol were subsequently informed!

Yes, life has never been boring in my family!

I decided I wanted to work in the music business.

I had studied in difficult conditions, tried various basic jobs and I just wanted to follow my passion much to my father's horror.

I of course dated musicians…

I ran off to live in Germany aged 19 and found myself at various excellent gigs including Pearl Jam just as they brought out their album Ten.

I recall getting on stage with the band and getting their autographs and having a nice chat. The roadies wanted to get me along to the after party mistaking me for a groupie not the future Sharon Osbourne that I considered myself to be!

This happened on a few occasions. I shouted at many a sleazy crew member that I was a SERIOUS MUSIC LOVER NOT A FUCKING GROUPIE!

So, I learnt the hard way in my naivety.

My father's words echoed in my ears, ‘the music business is no place for women’! He was not referring to female artists though he was well aware of what many of them went through.

Still, I of course had to prove him wrong. Isn’t that the dynamics of fathers and daughters??

Fast forward a few years. I had lived back in the UK. I was mother to two little girls, one of whom's father played bass guitar and was studying music production. I spent hours in the studio with him where he placed great value on my ear for picking out distinct sounds and giving him an honest opinion.

The 90s was a good time for music. We attended many gigs and festivals in London and the surrounding area. Saw bands in small intimate settings before they got big.

Things changed again when I moved back to Spain, to a remote area in the mountains and became a single parent. Again.

I had never lived in the city in Spain, always on the coast where many great musicians resided but live music was a tricky one. The general crowds wanted covers unless it was an internationally famous band or famous Spanish band who would be paid a hefty fee to play in the local fiesta.

The music scene was booming in other areas with big international music festivals now thriving. There was a particular promoter on the coast who brought the likes of BB King and Lenny Kravitz to town and I got to see one of my all time favorites, The Cult!

I had my first experience of FIB, seeing bands such as ‘The Kings of Leon’, Arctic Monkeys, Amy Winehouse and more…

That was good for the soul.

And then I met a singer and producer who it was said had had a one hit wonder in the 80s and toured with The Prodigy…

I got on with him and his partner and was happy to have met a fellow music lover in this remote village in the Spanish mountains.

There was a large university town nearby that had a couple of good live music spots which was a good omen.

I was dabbling in real estate at the time but that's another story for another day…

However, someone I was collaborating with decided he wanted to invest in something a little different. So the three of us became, ‘business partners’ or rather I was working it on the side for free until the day when we would eventually make some money…

I know, oh how foolish of me!

So the record label and recording studio were born.

Our ex muso`producer mate, let’s call him Dave for anonymity, put out an ad looking for local and national bands and the demos came rolling in.

This was where I apparently had to separate my idea of good music and what would have commercial viability…

I was the only fluent Spanish speaker amongst us hence I did the donkey work with the media and promotion.

I remember one unfortunate moment on the local radio when I succumbed to hysteria and could not stop laughing through the interview!

And then came our debut, a big night promoting the bands at a famous night club.

Once again I arranged accommodation, the media, the band's needs (please don't misinterpret that bit!)

I learnt very quickly that there was little time to actually just enjoy the music and the vibe.

It was all stress and no payment for me…

Apparently all for my love of music!

Funny how history repeats itself…

Once again, despite the warning signs that I tried hard to ignore, one day our erm, ‘business partner’ disappeared into thin air. As did expensive studio equipment and band items.

Yes you have guessed it, I was left alone to literally face the music and very angry bands…

Despite contacting the UK police nothing was ever resolved.

Stubborn, tenacious or just clearly nuts, whatever I was, I could not bear to watch all that hard work go down the drain. So I accepted a large loan to feed me and the kids and try to save the label…

Audible sigh here folks as I recall the story…

So I attempted to support my kids and be band manager, dealing with a misogynistic business, as an outsider, a foreign woman in the mountains trying with all the wrong contacts.

Music promoters, town halls, local and national radio etc…but to no avail.

I eventually had to admit defeat and accept I was not Sharon Osborne though let’s face it, the US and UK scene and a famous father, Don Arden, probably helped her just a tad.

I doubt she would have done much better in early 2000s rural Spain without her little black book...

Father was right unfortunately, though despite his obvious annoyance, he had grudging respect for my tenacity.

And the bank repossessed my house somewhere in the middle of that little adventure…

To be continued in part two...

Me in Dubai at Slash concert

Song dedicated to my deceased dad written by my cousin Adam Garner

https://youtu.be/u0TE5AzuQ4w?si=M8pGLmRj_Sir4sax

MY HYSTERICAL HYSTERECTOMY

2024-05-16T01:39:00.000-07:00

MY HYSTERICAL HYSTERECTOMY

Updated 2024 version of the original story

Written in January 2018 and 2020 following my total hysterectomy.

(Warning: Not for the faint hearted!)

INTRODUCION

This is the story of my hysterectomy journey, from the day I started bleeding, to the day I was 'emptied' and the beginning of my 'pause from men', yes, the dreaded surgical menopause...

For the ladies who may be reading this thinking I'm going to make the whole procedure seem like a walk in the park, well it bloody hurts and most men wouldn´t make it through the first 24 hours! But ladies, we are tough and as long as you possess a sense of humour, careful there though, laughing can be excruciating, and have some good people around you, then you will get through it... I will be sharing many great tips on useful pre-operation and post-operation aids, including how to carry around a plastic willy for 2 weeks (e.g. a catheter!)

Any males reading this: you will learn a lot in order to help the female in your life about to embark on her own journey...

Whoever is reading this story, it will definitely broaden your horizons and raise some eyebrows!

***

Let me begin explaining a little about my life at that time: I was a single mother of two humans and various street cats. Fortunately my daughters were grown up though, well one was only about 16 at this stage.

I was planning a very special trip to Galicia. I was going to go on the last stretch of the Camino de Santiago to see Finisterre, the end of the earth, the most Western point in Europe famed for its spectacular sunsets! And it was extra special because I was going there with my friend who was travelling all the way from Thailand. I was bursting with anticipation and excitement.

Workwise I was busy being an Airbnb host, renting out my bed in basic terms! I was also finishing my hypnotherapy training and preparing to open an office with my then business partner.

May 2017. In my Airbnb home, where it all started…

It was around this time when I had two nice British ladies as my Airbnb guests. I was experiencing an abnormally long period.

Medical wise I had already endured two other major gyno surgeries in less than ten years. The irregular periods had already begun a few years back, just like the other females in my family. This is why I put it down to peri-menopause symptoms, even though my intuition told me there was more going on…

So, there I am in my mid-forties chatting away with my Airbnb guests, sharing our lady stories.

One confides she has come away for some fun and relax time after months recovering from her hysterectomy. She shows me her scar, shares the suffering and gore, but also points out that it was a brilliant move and wishes she had done it years ago.

I in turn share my years of battling with gynaecologists, surgical interventions and my recent suffering, as well as my concerns about having to go through yet another mayor surgery.

Hearing my story, my guest responds, “Don’t even think about it, just get it all out!”

Not quite as simple as that, I thought. I knew what it was like to go through major surgery and I knew what it was like to recover whilst being a lone parent. It would be just my luck to have to go through yet another gyno surgical intervention…

And then the floodgates opened... down there... and what began like an unpleasant and abnormally long period, just simply decided to never stop. This really was more serious then peri-menopause I thought…

But I had a business to open, a place as volunteer at a Reggae festival, and did you think I would give up The Camino de Santiago after all this waiting and anticipation? Think again! My womb would just have to get over it.

Now don't judge me here folks! The benefit of hindsight is brilliant and if I had thought I was genuinely endangering my life, perhaps I would have done things differently, yet in true woman style I soldiered on.

Well, my womb didn't 'just get over it' and strange alien type things that looked like large slabs of liver began to fall out of me at the most inconvenient times.

After a month or so I had my first visit to A&E (the hospital's emergency room), the on-duty gyno welcomed me in and took notes, followed by much uncomfortable prodding. A biopsy was taken (at this point I really wished I were a man!) and I was told there were some issues with the lining of the womb and an ovarian cyst.

I was given tablets to temporarily cut the bleeding and told to rest. I decided I should tell them that in ten days’ time I would set off for a ‘little’ stroll...

“You are not being serious?” the gyno asked, but the look on her face said you’re out of your mind… I was told in no uncertain terms to think very carefully about possible repercussions. The gyno couldn't be sure the bleeding wouldn't worsen.

I went home and cried and ranted at my womb!

Again. Not that it listened.

June 2017 Camino de Santiago to Finisterre

So, after preparing for a year to do this stretch of the Camino de Santiago, nothing was stopping me escaping to Galicia, even if it meant bussing it all the way. I would see the famous summer Solstice sunset at Finisterre on June 21st, and maybe one of the many saints who'd gone before me would heal me?

Physical ailments aside, I knew this would be an amazing tonic for my failing mental health. I have a history of major depressive disorder, and I know from past experience: the combination of nature, and the incredible energy of the Camino de Santiago, are indeed food for the soul. I rested up beforehand, like I was told. I was being a good girl!

And off I went to bleed my way around Galicia.

I was sensible: I did NOT do the first 30kms on foot and spent the morning in bed in Santiago while my girlfriends set off for a rather long walk.

Meanwhile the temperatures soared, and I boarded a bus to our first destination. I even loved the bus ride!

I was so happy to be there, that even having to lug around plastic sheeting and wearing sanitary towels the size of surf boards did not get me down.

The following morning, after all three of us were kept awake by a cacophony of snoring from our fellow hostel dwellers, we decided to rise at an ungodly hour (well, at least for me) around 5:30 a.m. and set off. I decided I was ready to join, just for a short walk. I sent a video to family and friends to shock them, not the fact that I was walking but that I had actually risen at daybreak by choice and not under duress!

We had many memorable moments, if you haven’t been to Galicia, go! Stunning scenery, lovely people and great food, though if you are vegetarian, it can be slightly challenging...

I would intermittently walk, rest, bus it or take a taxi. Perhaps I was unable to do it in true pilgrim style, but actually I felt more of a pilgrim than most. Despite my physical suffering, my pleasure at simply being there and in such great company, overrode any doubts at my decision. In fact, my sanitary towels even came in handy as a makeshift bandage for a terribly painful blister!

It was June the 21st, the summer solstice. I made it to Finisterre!

I stood upon the clifftop, admiring the incredible sunset. Soaking up the vibes, I contemplated the many travellers who had congregated like us to participate in this special moment.

I thanked my body for getting me there in one piece more or less...

I made it and I loved every second of it!

A week later… Back home

I returned home, mentally and spiritually revived at least.

I rested and still the bleeding continued even though at times it seemed to stop it then immediately started again...

Swimming became awkward. I live on the Mediterranean and adore swimming. Summer without swimming is NOT much fun.

I carried on, opened my business, participated in courses, and lived life in general, but slowly found myself fading away...

August 2017 Benicassim, Spain.

Rototom international Reggae festival

In august another event was on my agenda, the Rototom. I managed to get there and subsequently bled my way around the festival.

Admittedly, my friends and I were all a bit concerned, however I was just going to sit most of the time, and help manage their charity stall, so I would be fine.

But queuing in intense heat, to use what can only be described in the kindest of terms, as very unpleasant communal toilets! You can imagine the scenario, it gives me the shivers now as I think back. What on earth was I thinking going there in that state!

I loved the festival and its happy collective vibe. I would definitely go back, but next time without bleeding in festival toilets and showers in what felt like 90 degrees heat.

As you might have guessed the festival was a tad too much and upon my return I had a minor collapse and was put on iron pills. I noticed my memory and concentration were really deteriorating and then my vision started playing up. I still had no idea of the dangers of acute anaemia and as the hospital hadn't seemed particularly alarmed then I wasn't going to make a fuss either.

But family and friends became very concerned at my obviously deteriorating health. My parents begged me to go back to the hospital so I finally gave in and returned yet again to A&E and decided to exaggerate it a little so I would be taken more seriously.

When I arrived there it turned out I didn't need to exaggerate, as I finally did collapse right in front of them. My body had decided to make it easier to convince the medical profession that a total hysterectomy was exactly what I needed.

It was like a scene from a horror movie as I spurted the gyno and her team of four with my life blood.

As everything began to fade around me, their voices became distant.

I was even slapped round the face as the team attempted to stop me becoming unconscious, shouting at me to stay awake.

Despite the drama unfolding around me, I still managed to be fascinated by how much blood I was almost projectile vomiting from my nether regions right at them, a scene even Tarantino would have been proud of!

I was simultaneously pondering on whether I'd have an NDE (Near Death Experience). It was hideous: No tunnels or bright lights and handsome angels telling me it was not my time, just excruciating pain and muscle spasms.

I could hear the medical team shouting in panic and my mum crying in the room next door. The scene will remain in my mind for a long time to come. That was the moment that propelled me back. I was NOT ready to die, leave my children, family and friends. I had to fight and face the severity of the situation. So, back I came, using every last inch of energy still within me.

I was at the end of my tether with my lady bits. I wanted it all out.

I was kept in hospital for a couple of days whilst they administered the blood transfusions. I thought of the conversation I had with one of the two British ladies months ago. “Just get it all out” she’d said. I smiled ironically as I recalled the conversation.

After almost three months of serious blood loss that had culminated in acute anaemia and near death, I made it clear, in the words of 'The Manic Street Preachers', everything must go!

I was evidently in no fit state for an operation at that point and was told that I needed a minimum three-month recuperation period before I could be operated in order to recover from the anaemia caused by all the blood loss.

Iron and B12 became my best friends. I had three injections over a three-month period to stem the flow of Oestrogen, provoking the onset of a chemical menopause. This finally stopped the bleeding.

Despite vague concerns over menopausal symptoms, though obviously preferable to bleeding to death, I found many great supplements and herbal tinctures which helped me enormously.

After all those hideous experiences I was taking no chances. I needed to be fighting fit before the operation. I prepared myself mentally with hypnosis, went to yoga classes and continued with my Iron, B12, Agnus Castus, CBD oil, Aloe Vera juice and super smoothies just to name a few, to ensure I was in the best health possible.

I began to feel incredibly well and so pleased to never have to see a surfboard sized sanitary towel again!

January 2018 THE OPERATION

The road to being 'emptied'!

Finally, seven months after it all began, I had my operation. The doctors had concerns that there may be slight complications due to my past interventions: a sterilization that I responded badly to, and a follow up procedure to correct the previous procedure!

Fortunately, they were still able to go ahead and perform a laparoscopic hysterectomy, with four incisions in the abdomen, and remove my womb, ovaries and cervix. After so many months of it all hanging over my head and uncertainty over the final date of my operation, I was just hugely impatient to get it over and done with.

Despite my mental preparation I did have a slight freak out the night before, straightening my wild curly hair at 3 a.m. in case there was a hunky surgeon! Pre-op nerves obviously as I rarely have straight hair...

Another tip: I had a full wax beforehand to avoid unpleasant hospital shaving.

I had read five books on hysterectomies, long lists of before and afters, what to take to hospital and what to have waiting at home.

Yes, I know I can be slightly extreme.

And so, I entered hospital with a large overnight bag and a shopping trolley full of all the comforting items to make my stay and recovery as pleasant as possible whilst my father complained that we looked like a band of gypsies.

Rose water, to cleanse and fresh
Ear plugs, to drown out the hospital noise
Lavender oil, to calm me and aid with sleep
Natural laxatives, no explanation needed!
Homeopathic arnica, to aid with healing
CBD oil, to calm me and help with my nervous system in general and mental health
Books
Music
Toiletries
Flask of herb tea
and the list went on...

It was a tad annoying to realize I recognized just about every hospital employee, surgeon, nurse and specialist. It was definitely time to finally break up this relationship with the hospital and really hope this will be my last intervention either ever or for many years at least! I waved at Mr. friendly gynaecology student (he had patted my hand on a couple of painful occasions) greeted all the team who of course I recognized and drifted off...

Waking up after the operation...

“This isn't so bad... Feels kind of good actually, all woozy, floaty and dreamy...echoes... Oh fuck! Am I dead?! Where am I?

Why are there dead people wrapped in Christmas napkins, stuffed in the dustbin? And actually, how do they fit in the dustbin? Is this like Alice in wonderland or Gulliver's travels? Has everyone shrunk?

And what the actual fuck is Donald Trump doing, visiting the ward? Why is he in Denia, Spain? Oh no! Maybe I am dead and I'm in hell paying for my sins?”

I peer under the sheet and I gasp: My belly has grown 4 times its usual size...

“Jesus! I'm pregnant! How can I be pregnant when they just removed my womb? OMG maybe they replaced it with a pregnant lady womb! But isn't that impossible? Nothing really makes sense anymore... Ah, Thank God that awesome floaty feeling has returned again...”

"Señora, señora! Estás bien? Cómo te encuentras?" the nurses voice comes from afar…

Jesus! The floaty feeling is fading, the pain is excruciating, and a 12-year-old nurse is calling me señora instead of señorita.

Yes, it probably is called, 'heavy pharma comedown' but still...

It turns out they filled my belly with gas as part of the laparoscopic procedure so now I have this helium filled football for a belly not to mention intense pain and discomfort...

Leather Belly “a stomach that resembles a mini leather football complete with tattoos and wounds (the worst is in the belly button, yuk!)”

“Bring me drugs and oxygen now!”

Beeping machines and murmuring voices lull me back into a woozy state of bliss...

The next time I open my eyes, he himself is there, Captain Bliss.

No, this is not some sort of dodgy post operation sexual fantasy, that really is his name. He stands before me yielding a large bunch of flowers whilst at the foot of the bed is my mum, busy fussing with the sheets. I am happy that they are here to see me, but I'm still wondering about Trump and the dead people wrapped in Christmas napkins...

From all the books I read, I don't remember anyone mentioning the bit about needing a catheter for over 2 weeks. Apparently in normal circumstances this is not necessary, maybe for 24 hours, but I am one of the happy few whose ovary was stuck to my bladder. So in order to remove the ovary, they had to cut my bladder. This means more pain and more stitches, on top of what was already uncomfortable to say the least. As well as a long, plastic tube hanging out of my lady bits, a.k.a. my ‘willy’ which comes with a pee bag at the end.

After being in the hospital for about 3 or 4 days, or was it 5? It felt like forever! I remember not being allowed to leave ‘till I had passed my first post-surgery poop. So here is another tip: how to ask your subconscious mind to help you poo, post operation:

I sat for one hour, yes, a whole hour, speaking to my bowels:

“Come on, you can do it” nothing happened.

“Come on, work with me, you know you want to, so we can go home.” I sighed, if I can’t poo I need to stay another night and I just want to go home now.

The pressure! It wasn’t helping…

I was thinking what can help me get it out? Donald Trump and dead people in Christmas napkins crossed my mind. I was getting impatient…

“Just expel your little brown friend, and we can get out this joint” I was pleading with my bowels to cooperate.

“Don’t you want to go home?”

And then it happened! I’ve never felt such relief, not even with giving birth...

I called out to the nurse who came running in panic expecting a medical emergency. Instead she found me beaming with satisfaction.

She knew, I’d earned my freedom.

She helped me to my bed where I called my parents to come pick me up. I was so looking forward to going home.

I’m finaly going home!

So finally, me and my Willy were able to leave the hospital, looking rather odd. There I was in a wheelchair, wearing my mum's kimono and big baggy bloomers, large sunglasses, walking stick and big black boots. A cross between something like Lady Gaga and a dominatrix; any remnants of dignity were long gone… Willy was placed in a plastic supermarket shopping bag draped on my lap.

I clutched my big bag full of drugs and prescriptions not to mention my list of instructions: No laughing, sneezing, lifting, or 'ilfing' (my own term for horizontal dancing if you know what I mean) for 11 weeks! The 'ilfing' was the 11 weeks rule, not the laughing or sneezing thank God, I mean life is tough enough without not being permitted to laugh on top of all that pain!

I was truly glad to be single at this point; I mean a helium filled football belly, uncontrollable hot flushes (or flashes as some people call them), a long, plastic willy hanging between my legs.

I really could not ever imagine wanting anyone of the opposite sex near me again...

I can tell you this much: I'm definitely coming back as a man in my next life!

Recovering after the operation

January is a good month to be operated, short days, long nights, sleeping, reading, hobbling, watching films and documentaries, It was rather nice to be forced to rest, read, watch endless Netflix but it also required tremendous patience... wondering when or if I'd ever get my body back again.

Bit of an emotional roller coaster this surgery malarkey... Being a lone parent family for a large part of my life, I was used to being full-time carer, though I do hear about many women with husbands/partners where this is unfortunately the norm too!

Luckily in my case, family and friends rallied around helping me with everything, no lifting etc. The recovery cannot be rushed if one is to ensure all goes smoothly. Doing the wrong thing could cause irreversible damage and believe me I did not want anything 'falling' out that wasn't supposed to! I had no wish to experience a vaginal prolapse or anything else that could happen as a result of not resting or lifting heavy objects. I've got to be honest, despite feeling like a bloated hormonal whale, it was nice being pampered and cared for, for a change.

15 days with a catheter was not much fun, nor for me, nor for my family…. Just adding to my discomfort and pain. What a huge relief when I could pee normally again. Certainly makes you thankful for the small things like normal urine function!

During my recovery, some of my saviours were

A combination of CBD oil (fabulous stuff, don't believe the hysterical hype from non-believers)
Lavender oil
Soy isoflavones
Red clover
and peppermint oil

and they really worked!

Another saviour was the fabulous female physio with her great exercises and erm, 'machine' thingy to help retrain my internal muscles, i.e. pelvic floor. Yoga, meditation and some fun partying later on all confirmed that I had survived the ordeal.

I can report that there is certainly life after hysterectomy and no regrets. It IS a big operation, despite what some may make you believe, just because it is the most common surgery for women does NOT make it a small thing by any means.

Be kind to your body and mind; listen to your body and give it time to heal...

It had never occurred to me that I might actually feel some grief and mourn the extraction of those lady organs: Womb, ovaries and cervix.

I mean, I'd already been sterilised, fallopian tubes were long gone.

So, yes, no more kids had already been resolved alongside my dissolved fallopian tubes so why mourn? Those f*****s had given me some serious shit over the years and yet they had also blessed me with two beautiful daughters.

One of the side effects that kicked in after recovery of the operation, is the surgically induced menopause. It's a HUGE shock to the system and not much fun. Funnily enough, years ago my youngest daughter (who I often refer to as Wogan, but that’s another story) asked me if it meant a pause from men! Some will probably be heaving a great sigh of relief at me taking a pause from men, yes Men O(n) Pause...

Which brings me to the song “Men On Pause” by The Futhermuckers, a tongue in cheek warning to men the world over who are walking on eggshells! Ladies, this is written from a men’s perspective, but it’s so recognizable, that it made me laugh big time when I first heard the lyrics:

"Hot flush, but not from a good rush

She won't do the things she used to do that make a nice girl blush.

Devil inside, she don't wanna ride

The only thing you can do now, is run and hide.

She goes loco, from the heat within

You never know, when it'll begin.

Any time, day or night

Watch for the signs, get ready for flight.

You better beware, don't get too close.

You'll feel the wrath, Of all her woes.

Heavenly beauty possessed by hell.

When will it end, oh nobody knows?”

I think this song does represent, in a very funny black satire kind of way, what a woman does endure, because like the song hints, the hot flushes come and go and nobody, not even us women, knows exactly when… so men, you better run and hide!

See link to song here:

https://youtu.be/tYIrqZ6fnys?si=gHSeE7ur-nO22hkB

At the time of writing this, it is now almost two years later and despite a very short period of needing some medication following some highly unstable mood changes, I feel strong and well.

I did not feel the need for HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) and indeed the doctors were not in a great hurry to prescribe it despite my young age for menopause. I just take care with diet, exercise and supplements. I have hot flushes and menopausal Tourette’s but hey... at least I’m not having my periods anymore…

By the way… I never did find out how they managed to fit dead people in Christmas napkins, or WTF Donald Trump was doing in my ward… maybe best to let sleeping dogs lie as they say...

***

Rewritten and edited in 2024 by Saffron Mello Castro and Nina VKL of Outburner Productions

Tales from a Danish Forest

2024-04-25T11:12:00.000-07:00

Greetings from a rather damp and chilly Denmark.

I am staying at my boyfriend's house on the island of lolland aproximately one hour and a bit South of Copenhagen. This is my second visit, my first was back in December not long after we first met.

Those of you that follow me will know that I live in Spain and have lived alone off grid in a caravan and little else (no running water, electricity etc) as part of my many experiments! Mainly to prove to myself that I can do it and survive, though of course to 'thrive' is preferable.

In any case, I've learnt an awful lot in the last few years though my interest and research into herbal medicine goes way back...

Even in my childhood in the 70's I was exposed to natural medicine, homeopathy and knowledge of the dangers of the many E numbers in our diets. I was fortunate to have a mother who wished to learn and be aware.

My father was Indian and was a fabulous cook! I grew up with an ecclectic background and diet combining the best of East and West.

As you may have seen in previous articles, unfortunately due to a few catastrophic years, like many who have suffered since the 2020 nightmare, I succumbed to the use of anti depressants and ended up suffering very unpleasant adverse reactions.

Part of my path of recovery over the last couple of months has been with the use of herbal medicine including Milk thistle (Cardo Mariano) and Ashwaganda.

I had already decided that it was crucial to continue with my spring detox and rebalance both body and mind. My boyfriend is of the same sentiment and has been using 'Amanita Muscaria' for many months now with very positive effects on his nervous system. I shall discuss this in the next article as I too have begun to take this amazing mushroom rather than the nasty Benzo prescribed by the medical profession.

Here we have a lush garden full of herbs, dandelions, nettles, fruit trees, wild strawberries, rhubarb and more.

We began by picking the nettles and dandelions ensuring that when picking we did not over pick in any one area and if the bees were around, kept away and picked elsewhere.

Wild Garlic/Allium Ursinum =

Type of Perennial allium variety. Also known as wood garlic, ramsons and bear garlic.

Native to Europe, UK and found in the USA.

Simple to identify by rubbing its leaf which has a clear distinct garlic aroma. Appears before other spring greens, being one of the first to hail the beginning of Spring. Ususally found in damp woody areas, we discovered it growing in large patches throughout the local forest adjacent to the sea. We picked in different areas throughout the forest and did NOT pick the root, just stem and leaf.

Versatile, can be eaten cooked or raw in every type of dish including soups and salads.

We have made a Wild Garlic Pesto and added it to soups, risotto, salad and pasta dishes so far. All parts of the plant can be consumed from the leaves, stems, bulbs and flowers.

Just like traditional Garlic it has many health benefits; Anti-inflammatory, Cardiovascular, detox, antibacterial and antimicrobial, antioxidant. Rich in a variety of nutrients including Iron, Calcium, Vit C and A, phosphorus and Copper, amino acids etc

For interesting historic information and much more, check out the following link: https://www.eatweeds.co.uk/wild-garlic-allium-ursinum

STINGING NETTLE/ URTICA DIOICA =

A perrenial herbacious plant found particularly thriving in wetter climes and has an abundance of health giving properties including:

Used as a tonic in bone and skin health, hormone balancer, supports the adrenal system potentially help in lowering Cortisol and supporting FSH hormones, aids in treating eczema, anemia, gout and enlarged prostate, contains minerals such as Zinc, Calcium, Potassium and Iron, Amino acids, Vit C and more...

We picked the leaves carefully from the back garden wearing gloves and proceeded to place in boiling water to remove the sting.

We added it to soups and other dishes and combined it in a herbal infusion with mint which was particularly pleasant.

DANDELIONS =

Member of the daisy family of plants alongside artichokes, thistle, ragweed, sunflowers and lettuce.

One of the most recognized garden 'weeds' yet simultaneously one of the most versatile and health giving plants we could hope to have to hand.

The flower, leaves and root all contain a myriad of health benefits and are all edible. Perhaps best known for its diuretic properties, each part of the plant has specific properties: For example the root has a success rate in killing off specific cancer cells, acc to 'Dr Axe', a study in 'Oncotarget showed Dandelion root extract was able to kill 95 percent of Colon cancer cells in 2 days!

Personally, I'm going to use the root for its Cholesterol lowering properties as I seem to have a genetic predisposition for high Cholesterol which showed up in genetic testing of both the good and bad variety and my recent blood tests showed a worrying LDL rise despite my healthy diet and lifestyle.

Alongide its powerful antioxidant properties, it's a liver and kidney cleanser and a powerful antimicrobial, aids in eye health and weight loss just to name a few, plus full of vitamins and minerals, including K, C and A, Calcium etc

We have been making tea daily with the flowers which we put through the dehydarator and stored in a jar. I mix the flowers with fresh tumeric root and Cinammon.

The leaves I've used each day in salad and soups and in fact just added to most dishes.

So, there you have it! My experiments that for now mean sticking to those three amazing gifts from nature and monitoring my overall health, mental and physical.

Watch this space...

Spring in Denmark and recovery from Vortioxetine

2024-04-19T06:43:00.000-07:00

Greetings from Denmark

I sit overlooking the lush green garden with a temperature of around 10 degrees...

A far cry from the 28 degrees in Spain I just left begind!

Spring time, new beginnings, whatever that may bring...

It feels like a miracle that I made it here in the first place.

Only weeks before I was still unable to drive myself to the airport due to the severe dizziness, chronic fatigue and confusion due to the ongoing side effects from Vortioxetine, both on and off the medication. This is discussed in depth in a previous article.

I've been very slowly recovering, walking, resting, some gentle yoga, meditating, and occasionally seeing friends who mostly had to come to me as I was unable to go far.

Yes, it's been quite a ride

I've contacted various departments at Lundbeck pharmaceuticals and am awaiting a real response not just automated. I try to put aside my anger and mistrust given previous experience.

Let's face it, to trust a pharmaceutical company is madness at the best of times but in times of Covid when we have seen the most obscene profits in history on the back of people's misery in a so called global catastrophe, well it only highlights the hideous system of greed, profit and severe lack of ethics.

Pfizer is probably the best example of this.

Meanwhile I have begun my plant medicine journey and will write about my journey in another article about the miracles of plant medicine, namely Amanita and Lion's Mane mushrooms 🍄

Part of me severely regrets beginning the anti depressants in the first place after 25 years of not taking any, but in a moment of severe nervous system breakdown I was desperate.

So, I shall continue my recovery here in Denmark at my boyfriend's home with walks in the forest, much quiet time and reflection hoping that my brain and body will rebalance and make a full recovery.

I'm grateful for this beautiful place and the support of special people.

Brintellix/Vortioxetine-my journey to Hell

2024-04-02T05:37:00.000-07:00

The term depression/ depressed is misused continuously.

Feeling a bit low or sad are natural human states, one cannot constantly be 'up' especially in this world.

However, the day you cannot function or feel and only see total darkness, can't eat, get dressed, no longer process mentally and the only relief is the thought of sleeping peacefully forever and never waking up...

Well, this is a whole different condition

Back in the 90's I was one of the unfortunate 'guinea pigs' who was given the so-called miracle drug, Prozac following serious post-partum depression. Before the age of 24 I had been on both Prozac and Seroxat with disastrous consequences and I swore never again.

The depression has come and gone over the years in varying degrees of severity but I had managed not to succumb to medication or psychiatric intervention even following various major medical incidents and interventions, including the trauma of literally almost bleeding to death, being resuscitated, given blood transfusions and a full hysterectomy.
It took time to recover from the physical and mental trauma. They attempted to give me Lorazepam which was a disaster, again.
With natural medicines, support from family and friends and my hypnotherapy training, I gradually recovered...

Until specific events from 2020 onwards; pandemic, murder, multiple loss and trauma finally broke my mind and spirit.

2022
I sat in A&E and literally begged the Psychiatrist to put me out of my misery following a very dangerous near miss on the motorway whilst driving to see my daughter in hospital, when I had complete dissociation, feeling my mind and spirit leaving my body, whilst driving and almost crashed the car.

His exact words in Spanish were , 'the system is shit' ( una mierda) 'I would send you away to a Psychiatric hospital in the countryside where you could be with nature and your nervous system could recover but no such thing exists here and if I hospitalise you, you will get even worse!'

I was only slightly surprised to hear a medical practitioner tell the truth: He was clearly burnt out and disillusioned.

I had been told about Brintellix/Vortioxetine by a friend who also suffered major depressive disorder and had also tried many antidepressants, therapy and natural medicines but nothing consistently worked.

She had seen a Psychiatrist privately who had recommended it for people like us for whom other medication did not work and apparently had the 'least side effects.'

Given my well known super hypersensitivity to everything, surgical interventions that had gone badly wrong as my body rejected just about everything, I was understandably disturbed and concerned but likewise desperate.

The hospital psychiatrist was surprised I knew about Vortioxetine but agreed that following my previous history it may be the best and only possible option right now.

Given the state of the health system and the total collapse, only two appointments per YEAR were available to see the Psychiatrist and not much more to see the psychologist.

You are basically on your own with the odd GP appointment with doctors who rarely have the experience or knowledge to oversee the effects of such medication on their patients.

I was started on 5mg and instructed to increase to 10mg.

He told me about the minor side effects which most people experience for the first weeks which I immediately had: nausea, dizziness and extreme leg cramps, which gradually dissipated and I began to level out .
My nearest and dearest especially my daughters initially saw a big difference in me.

My manic episodes of highs and extreme lows disappeared, my 'crazy' eyes calmed, I slept, my entire demeanour changed, I was not zombiefied, I functioned but was still able to cry and feel grief but it did not consume me.

I no longer shook or had to stop the car when I saw or heard an ambulance ( yes PTSD)
Or had palpitations, shaking or stopped breathing.

I felt like a different person!

My daughters saw such a change they begged me not to come off. 5.mg seemed to be working very well so I decided not to increase the dose to 10. I told all this to the Psychiatrist and psychologist on the rare occasions I got to see them.

Looking back, I would estimate that for the first 9 months things were on an even keel and I was slowly improving and 'managing ' life.

Unfortunately, more external stress hit and I had to leave Spain and help my sick offspring in the UK for months dealing with hospitals, clinics, the authorities and major emotional stress.

I was advised there to increase my medication to counter effect the stress and worry but I refused as I was already feeling out of sorts but put it down to what was happening and rather extreme menopausal symptoms.

It slowly felt like system collapse and not just mental; every organ including my heart just felt 'weird' as if they were malfunctioning. I already had gut issues and flare ups of diverticulitis but this felt different.
Simultaneously there was some more sudden death, more changes in my life and I no longer knew if it were me reacting or the meds:

The swelling on my right side came and went consistently, pain under my arms and around my right breast
Breathlessness

Neck pain
Tachycardia
Water retention
Joint pain
Headache
Dizziness
Fatigue
Confusion
Memory loss
Left hand tremor...

By December 2023 I was experiencing all these symptoms consistently but no-one was majorly concerned.
Again, blood tests were 'normal ' the Psychiatrist again told me to increase the meds because of the effects of another year of more severe stress.

I can only express it as the feeling I was being slowly being poisoned and my organs were malfunctioning, breaking down.

I spent 3 weeks at my boyfriends house in Denmark in December where I experienced all the above symptoms.

I ended up in A&E with severe abdominal pain but they couldn't find anything wrong and suggested I was suffering a flare up.

I was conscious of diet, gentle exercise, breath work, meditation everything I could do to calm myself.

A couple of friends urged me to come off the antidepressants but I was frightened I would severely crash mentally so decided I would be off them by the spring though simultaneously concerned they were the cause of the strange symptoms.

December 31st Spain

A chef friend of my daughter gave us a bag of small festive biscuits in a market and I happily munched away before starting to feel really strange and unwell. Thought I was suffering sugar overload.

Until I literally had another total out of body experience in the car and hit the deck, on my side unable to move and spinning out of control.
My daughters were horrified and long story short, I found out the biscuits contained marijuana.

Not a problem if I'd had one or even two but combined with the anti depressants and the symptoms I was already suffering, the next 8 hours to 10 hours were horrific.

It took 3 people to carry me out the car, put me to bed where I was laughing crying, convulsing, then feeling like I was slowly becoming unconscious, my heart pounding, freezing cold, and again complete dissociation.

The girls brought me food and drink and were very frightened but I was way too weak, traumatised and paranoid to go to hospital and the average 6 hours wait on a hard chair in my current state was unthinkable.

The following days did not show much improvement and I knew something was seriously wrong
I contacted a nurse who worked with CBD products.

She said the extreme effects should have worn off after a few days but then asked if I was on any medication. When I told her about the antidepressants and the side effects I was already experiencing she talked about serotonin syndrome and suggested I see a doctor immediately.

I specifically requested my daughter accompany me, not just because I was suffering extreme dizziness and confusion but I wanted a witness to what I already foresaw would happen:

I went to A&E at my local GP surgery and explained the whole story to the duty GP.
She literally laughed at the biscuit story, said it could do no long term harm and told me to take a couple of diazepam and leave my pills for two days. She insisted that 5mg of Brintellix could barely affect me. You stare at that person in a white coat telling YOU about YOUR body, YOUR mind, what you can possibly be feeling or not feeling and laughing at your suffering.

I had to explain to this so called doctor about serotonin syndrome, my concern that I was evidently not right before the incident and my extreme reaction a week on etc

My headaches were worse, my blood pressure was up (I usually have low blood pressure)
She fobbed me off, said go to the hospital if you want but they can do nothing, you'll be fine in a couple of days.

It is now April the second 2024

Well, as we enter month 4, It's been a horrific time.

My condition continued nothing improved until I finally decided to come off the medication on the 15^th of February. I halved the already small dose and then abruptly stopped already feeling like irreparable damage had been done to my body and brain function.

Following more convulsions, loss of feeling in my face, hearing voices, slurred speech and almost an inability to move I was once again back at the doctor's where this time the doctor was visibly concerned and immediately sent me to hospital for a brain scan and more tests.

Again, they said all was 'normal' but needed further investigation by a neurologist..

As you feel yourself slowly slip away and the medical profession consistently tells you they cannot find anything wrong despite:
Convulsions, dissociation, electric storm in brain, my mouth and legs going numb , extreme dizziness . Swelling right hand, right breast, under arm, breathlessness, hand tremor left hand tremor, headaches, extreme fatigue, bone aches..

Every day for over two months dizziness
Dizziness so.bad I have to hold on to the table or cannot drive
A feeling that my brain is loose, floating in my head, my sensitivity to noise and light is extreme.

Loss of simple words, severe fatigue, once so severe that after ten minutes of helping my mother with an English class for a little boy I had to take to my bed for hours as my brain literally felt like it had been drained and my body collapsed. ( I I used to be an English teacher)

My mind swirls and whirls, mostly I can rarely remember the days of the week. I get extreme bursts of adrenaline/mania for minutes followed by system crash.

The story goes on and on...
My 'urgent' brain scan is 5th May then await results. My life generally feels like it is on hold
Good days, bad days. No income.

One day I can walk for over an hour then I need bed rest for 2 days.
I've withdrawn from most activity and the world.

I've reported all the above to the Spanish centre for adverse reactions to medication.
And to Lundbeck the manufacturer of the anti-depressant.

Meanwhile I wait and wonder if I'll ever fully recover and if there's long term brain damage
Moments of severe darkness and non stop crying, nightmares, depression followed by moments of total normality and laughter...up and down like a yo yo.

I'm taking B vitamins and Ashwaganda for my nervous system and magnesium for the bone pain,
Herb teas, breath work, meditation, everything to help myself.

I've told the manufacturers they need to investigate this, they need to use their 'expertise ' and 'specialists ' to help and carry out the tests.
The health system is broken, the resources are not there, nor the knowledge.

Both the Psychiatrist and the GP do not know what to do nor how to handle the more extreme, rare cases of adverse effects nor again have the resources.

An urgent response from the Psychiatrist takes 7 days (though they promised 24 hours)
The locals call our hospital ' the tomb'

There is some light at the end of the tunnel:
Even up to days ago I couldn't even sit in front of my laptop and concentrate or write a few sentences and I've just managed a long in depth article. That is promise and gives me hope.

I know there are others out there with similar stories...

We shall see where this leads me and the response from the manufacturers..

Watch this space.

https://www.webmd.com/brain/serotonin-syndrome-causes-symptoms-treatments

https://www.bmj.com/content/349/bmj.g5312/rr/775731

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6839490/#ref006

https://neurosciencenews.com/antidepressant-withdrawal-22873/

https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/brintellix-addiction/withdrawal-detox/

3 Body Problem, Cern and where this story will lead us...

2024-03-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I updated my blog.

Once again external factors, including very worrying health issues, have again blocked my creative flow. In fact, that will be a whole other story which I shall begin writing about soon, all concerning my horrible experience of adverse effects of anti depressants.

Thanks to my wonderful friend and creative collegue Nina at Outburner Productions, we have tentatively begun making positive updates and changes to this site and embarked on a gentle and heartwarming collaboration concerning children's stories but that shall be discussed in another post!

Meanwhile I was sat here slowly and methodically updating, editing and cringing over my spelling mistakes and bad labels when I found myself simultaneously hugely engrossed in the Netflix series, ' 3 Body Problem.'

My boyfriend recommended it last night though warned me it would fire up my brain into overdrive! He already knows me well!

He was right: Within minutes, having no former knowledge of the series or the original books by Liu Cixin, upon which it is based, my brain was in predicting mode: Cern and the LHC must surely make an appearance, Haarp perhaps? Entities, extra terrestrials? End of world? Cabal...

I had not bothered to check the synopsis.

Well, imagine my excitement as I sat here editing my former story on Cern when at the exact same moment the detective appears at Cern headquarteres in Switzerland to investigate the suspicious death of yet another scientist.

Excatly what I was looking over in my own extract about Cern and it's non stop mysteries and dark legends.

I'm mid way through the series and this is NOT a review nor will there be any spoilers but I am loving it so far and feeling very fired up at the many connections with my own book, '2020 When Time Stood Still.'

I did extensive research for the above which led me down some, let's say, dark alleys...

Whilst most will be watching this series and perhaps find it thought provoking, others will just percieve it as entertainment.

With a brain like mine and the research I've carried out through my life and the contacts I have made, such a series will never just be entertainment.

There is so much already that instinctively I feel to be true. Predictively it's causing some 'political' tensions due to the violent depiction of China in the cultural revolution. That may or may not be contrived to stir up even more interest in the program, China/West tensions brewing, but we don't need a Netflix series for that!

We are already on full speed ahead in that area, but I digress, my predictions for WW3 are in my book and other articles so let's just enjoy the show now...

My article on Cern:

https://1000milesfromnowhere.blogspot.com/2022/07/cern-truth-is-stranger-than-fiction.html

I am now the author of 3 books!

2023-07-20T10:22:00.001-07:00

Today I´m allowing myself to feel proud of having begun and completed 3 books, all written during very difficult times of my life.

My first, 'A Thousand Miles from Nowhere', written as a young struggling single parent, whilst very different to the following books, is still very much representative of a part of my life which continues within me to this day. A story of travel, relationships, growing up and experimentation...

Back at the beginning of 2020 during lockdown I wrote, '2020 When Time Stood Still', with the pen name Skye Coelho.

I was driven, compelled to write with an urgency whilst knowing most people were not yet ready for much of the content. I understand that and to this day, much of it will still be too raw or so close to home with the predictions, prophesy and observation of our current place in history and events unfolding on so many levels.

My latest book, 'Life´s Too Short for Ironing´ is a series of stories, thought pieces and poetry with both deep and meaningful content exploring grief, mental illness, eating disorders etc

There is much dark humour and hilarious experiences including our life with our animal family, parenting, menopause and hysterctomy experience, not to mention my adventures living off grid!

Up till now I hadn't had the opportunity to really market or share the books on other platforms but now I feel the time is right. Time to get the content out there!

I have also just finished recording the audio book version of Life's too Short so watch this space for the updates!

Go in peace and may the force be with you...

Link below to Life´s Too Short For Ironing

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0C6FN7295

Top reviews from United Kingdom

Miss Sian T. Brome

A stunning collection that had me hooked from the title

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on 12 July 2023

Verified Purchase

A stunning collection of work from a very talented author. I was struck most by the exploration of grief, it was both relatable and palpable helping me to reflect on my own experiences. The art work complemented the words perfectly, Saffron left me with my hairs on end, portraying exactly what I had failed to articulate myself.

I also loved “the tortured soul of angel joy” not only did the account have a sense of familiarity (despite being a personal account), saffron once again left me reflecting on my own experiences as well as literally laughing out loud! Such a talented writer.

If you read anything this year, let it be this.

MarieStella

Fantastic read

Reviewed in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧 on 17 July 2023

Verified Purchase

Chick lit? Humour? Alternative? Hard to know which genre to place this book in as it has elements of many. Easy to read and well written. Saffron has a quirky and unique writing style and her dark sense of humour gives new perspective to some controversial topics around the world today. Not all the focus is upon the controversial however - some of the chapters had me laughing out loud.
I fully recommend this book

The Saffron Mello Castro interview on Vince Tracey Podcast!

2023-06-21T05:07:00.000-07:00

Today I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Vince Tracy on his popular podcast with listeners worldwide. We discussed my childhood, being brought up in the music business, my father working with Cat Stevens aka Yusuf Islam and many others. We also discussed my life in Spain, my three books and a little on current affairs and mutual belief systems.

Vince Tracy Podcast, listen here https://www.vincetracy.com/podcastfile/zoejones21june2023.mp3

A very interesting informative and fun chat! We begin with the beautiful song composed by my very talented cousin Adam Garner and sang by the excellent well known vocalist and producer Mitchell Emms (featured on THE VOICE back in 2013) dedicated to and written about my father.

Listen here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0TE5AzuQ4w

Vince tracy life in Denia Podcast https://www.vincetracypodcasts.com/special-podcasts/life-in-denia-1?c=life-in-denia

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Lifes-Short-Ironing-Saffron-Castro-ebook/dp/B0C6FN7295

Life's Too Short for Ironing: Memoir now available on Amazon!

2023-05-30T04:38:00.005-07:00

My latest Book/Memoir, ‘Life’s Too Short for Ironing’ available now on Amazon in paperback and eBook! Will soon be available on other platforms and as an Audio book.

Links:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0C6FN7295

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/SaffronMcBooks

Instagram: @saffronmellocastro

Not your usual memoir…

‘Life’s too short for ironing’

My aim is to make people laugh and smile but also cry and not be ashamed to release their emotions…

I'm sure it will also raise a few eyebrows, some naughty giggles and a few what the actual f**ks??

I believe the book will resonate with everyone on some level from lone parents, sufferers of depression, music lovers and adventurers, those on a spiritual journey, activists, animal lovers, Care givers, those living off grid and the list goes on...

Perhaps a few health professionals, particularly gynaecologists will learn a thing or two not to mention politicians and mainstream journalists! 😉 Be afraid, be very afraid...

It is an emotive journey depicting life itself, full of anecdotes, art and poetry, articles and interviews, stories of the surreal and bizarre nature, irony, tragedy, and dark humour.

And finally, why the title? Well, as you can see from the cover photo, ironing on the floor, ironing is not a forte of mine and even possessing an ironing board just a waste of time! So, when on one of the few occasions my daughters caught me ironing, they had to take a picture to prove that miracles do happen!

Thank you, reader, for sharing some very poignant and personal moments…

Dedicated to Dad: Stay wild moon child. Wherever you are on your cosmic journey, love will always prevail.

About the author:

I've always loved creative writing and from a young age would spend my time writing short stories. As an adult I continued writing for myself and finally found the courage to send some articles to a local paper, which were subsequently published. I also enjoyed writing a blog and some angst poetry. I began writing more seriously around 12 years ago. This led me into my first novel, ‘ A Thousand Miles from Nowhere’ as I started to express myself as a woman and my own personal experiences in life. I just found I could not stop writing and found it to be a hugely cathartic experience-the only drawback being, reliving certain experiences as you write means you also experience the pain.

My second novel, ‘2020 When Time Stood Still’ was written under my other pen name Skye Coelho.

What are my aspirations as a writer? To achieve fulfilment doing something I love and recognition in some capacity- Of course, who wouldn't want to enjoy some fame and fortune while we're at it? However, something as simple as knowing people have enjoyed your story or been able to empathize with certain characters or situations; to think I've put a smile on someone's face or raised a laugh, all that would be hugely satisfying. I currently live in Spain, where I've resided on and off since 1986. I have two daughters, five rescue cats and am granny to an American Stafford!

'A THOUSAND MILES FROM NOWHERE' was my first semi -autobiographical novel followed by '2020 WHEN TIME STOOD STILL’, a very different piece of writing compared to my first novel: I will let the reader draw their own conclusions from that one!

I write under two pseudonyms, Saffron Mello Castro, and Skye Coelho, both of which reflect my Anglo- Indian heritage.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/thousand-miles-nowhere-saffron-castro/dp/1515376311

2020 When Time Stood Still:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08NCP8ZLZ?ref_=cm_sw_r_mwn_dp_T5SMXG0662C168469TET

Diary of a desperate parent: The collapse of the NHS mental health services

2023-05-24T03:09:00.000-07:00

Diary of a desperate parent: Highlighting the collapse of the NHS mental health services

Brighton, UK. May 2023

-Thursday: 18/5/23 Emergency GP report: Trauma, death, murder and anorexia for years. Suicidal intent. Eating disorder. Crohn’s.

I quote GP: “I am worried about this girl as she is high risk.

Told to go directly to A&E. 12 hours later discharged (A tad better than February Shropshire: 8 hours for an ambulance. 19 hours in A&E)

-48 hrs previously I spent days phoning all mental health services, social services, eating disorder clinic. GP etc

- Forced my daughter back to the country for help after she fled against all advice, but she felt it was make or break as had given up all hope and wasn’t receiving the help she truly needed. Returned to UK after I pleaded and promised she would receive help.

-Friday: No word, despite being deemed ‘high risk’ and them knowing our current critical situation.

-Saturday: Another ‘incident’ with her.

-Sunday: I call yet another helpline, explaining the incident. I don’t even know who I’m calling anymore.

We are assured Monday we will hear back.

-Monday: Nothing, Despite, me calling various departments and leaving messages.

-Tuesday: I go in person to GP surgery after being constantly put on hold for over 40 minutes the previous day and line goes dead. I urge the seriousness and desperation of situation. We are seen within 30 minutes. GP is concerned and apologizes and says we will hear back same day.

-Nothing.

-I receive one call but because I had left message NOT because anything had appeared in system.

-Tuesday night she disappears.

- After desperately searching we locate her at 10. 30 pm on lonely stretch of beach in the cold. (I've just been informed there was an attack on a woman there in same spot)

I am writing this because we are amongst potentially millions of desperate people ‘lost’ in a broken system. NHS =NO HOPE SYSTEM.

The horrific mismanagement of funding during the pandemic, money that should have been poured into mental health knowing the collective psychosis that would afflict an already sick population.

Are you telling me that neither politicians nor those ' high up' within the NHS couldn't foresee the tragedies of the future?

The explosive MENTAL HEALTH FALLOUT following lockdown, isolation, fear and no hope, and now war? Those already fragile would crack and the millions of others that would follow?

How many more suicides? How many more needless deaths?

I am a desperate mother who herself is on medication for major depressive disorder and fighting to keep what’s left of my own mental health so I can save my daughter.

A sick and broken system run by politicians so far from removed from this dystopian reality that I can only wonder where this will all end?

But not with the loss of my daughter’s life.

PD: This has been sent on to various local politicians including Caroline Lucas, Charlotte Nichols, LLoyd Russell-Moyle and local newspapers and TV.

IT'S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY: MAY IS MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH

2023-05-15T04:26:00.003-07:00

HELP! I'VE LOST MY MIND!

Apparently, May is 'Mental Health Awareness' month. I guess it's an opportunity to shed more light and awareness on something which should be the most normal thing in the world, except to many it still seems taboo.

As a long term sufferer of depression, real depression, major depression, you know the type where you literally cannot get out of bed, function nor eat and death seems preferable to existing type, not 'I'm feeling a bit low today'. Since a child I remember sweeping feelings of dark melancholy, a sadness I could not shake off that would often come out of nowhere, not necessarily triggered by a specific event where it would be natural to feel sad. A deeply sensitive empathic child evolved into the adult I am today who has endured many things in this life that would push most people over the edge and I joke that my very dark humour has got me through, though the reality is, sometimes it didn't...

I'm not ashamed to talk about years of therapy and the study of hypnosis which all helped enormously to understand myself and the complex workings of the mind, which to be honest, in my opinion, human's don't really understand at all despite millions of studies and schools of thought.

Ancestral trauma? Genetics? Deep buried trauma? A different perspective on a fucked up world?

Chemical inbalance? I would say all of the forementioned and more...

I am also not ashamed to talk about 'POST NATAL DEPRESSION' or suicidal tendencies or deep overwhelming grief which not only applies to the loved ones I've lost but also to others I'm trying to help whilst they slowly agonizingly kill themselves...

And just about anything else you wish to discuss.

Life is raw, painful, beautiful, incredible, horrific and just about any other adjective you wish to throw at it.

What is a sane person? Well, that's open to interpretation but in my view it's someone who looks around them at the state of the world, wide eyed with horror, confusion and sadness, whose favourite expression is, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

So, yes, it's okay to not be okay: Find kind, caring people who are willing to listen, seek out what works for you, whether it be a combination of therapy with orthodox medicine or natural medicine, places of calm and peace and an understanding that this world is hugely difficult to navigate at the best of times but Post Pandemic, War fuelled 2023 is far from an easy place to be.

In my upcoming book, 'Life's too short for ironing' written under my pen name Saffron Mello Castro there are various thought pieces and personal stories relating to all of the above and more.

Just remember , 'Opinions are like arse holes, everyone has one' listen to your heart and only seek out those who truly understand the reality of mental illness, not those who simply tell you to 'pull yourself together and get on with it'. It's time to break the stigma once and for all.

Life's too short for ironing - my new book

2023-04-21T07:04:00.009-07:00

Dad and Yusuf

"Miles from nowhere

I guess I'll take my time, oh yeah, to reach there.

Look up at the mountain I have to climb, oh yeah, to reach there.

Lord my body has been a good friend.

But I will not need it when I reach the end.

Miles from nowhere."

*Yusuf Islam/Cat Stevens. Miles from Nowhere.

Life's too short for ironing-my new book

April 2023 Brighton, England. A long way from my caravan living off grid in Spain...

It's now ten weeks since I returned to the UK and what an experience...

I arrived with a few changes of clothes and little else expecting a short trip but here I am...

I've been up North, back down South to Greater London and now on the Southern coast in Brighton and Hove, a place where I have history...

Despite some very difficult months I have managed to almost complete my third book entitled:

‘Life’s too short for ironing’

A collection of memoirs, articles, art and poetry representing the best and worst moments of a free spirit single parent whose life has always been far from the norm…

An eclectic combination of the bizarre, fantastical, funny and tragic with a welcome dose of ironic dark humour.

As you have probably guessed, ironing is not my forte nor do I possess an ironing board!

And I’ve really never understood ironing one’s sheets and underwear…

Anyway, I digress…

As the synopsis states, this book is a collection of my memoirs, poetry, articles and interviews with some relatively well-known people, spanning over a decade. It is not in specific chronological order. It is all one hundred percent real based on my life experiences and only some names have been changed to protect identities.

My father worked in the music business in London and internationally throughout my early childhood which shaped my love and constant need for music; indeed, I cannot write without it.

Every memory of my life is accompanied by a song hence throughout the book you will encounter lyrics that are relevant to me and my mood. I grew up surrounded by musicians, creatives and mavericks for which I am now very thankful, an upbringing that was anything but boring.

You will read about my life in Spain, some very unorthodox parenting tips, my off-grid caravan adventures, my involvement with erm, dissidents and ’blowers of whistles’ from the Wuhan Clan (yes that’s tongue in cheek).

My struggle with depression, my travels and the characters I met along the way and a raw account of living with deep grief…

And that’s just a basic overview!

Not to mention a gory account of my hysterectomy and surgically induced menopause which all men should read! Some very funny lyrics from the ‘Futhermuckers’ accompany that particular chapter…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYIrqZ6fnys Watch their video here.

As you know, I am also the author of two other self-published books:

"A Thousand Miles from Nowhere" Saffron Mello Castro

Blues Weiser and Whiskey Dick doing a great promo job! And the Lovely BBC presenter Charlie Dimmock who just happened to be next to me whilst I held a copy of the first edition of my book...

"2020 When Time Stood Still" Skye Coelho

In case you are wondering, both Saffron Mello Castro and Skye Coelho are pseudonyms inspired by my Anglo-Indian ancestry.

I have recently begun recording the audio book version of "2020 When Time Stood Still" with my friends at https://outburnerproductions.com who are also helping out with the marketing, multi-talented bunch that they are! So talented in fact, that some of their great music as Floodstain and Blues Weiser is also featured in the book.

Check out the band by clicking on the link below:

Blues Weiser

I also plan to record Life’s too short as an audiobook so yes, that’s a lot of plans...

Meanwhile, I shall continue with the editing, formatting and all the other boring parts of the process of producing a literary work of art 😊

The Virgin Gold Of The Olive Tree

2022-12-15T10:41:00.000-08:00

´`Solitary Olive Tree, by the fountain, far from the grove, hospitable olive tree...´Antonio Machado, Olivo del camino

´The Virgin Gold Of The Olive Tree´ without doubt Olive oil is liquid gold, full of nutrients and a rich literary history predating the old testament. Much revered by ancient civilizations from Syria to Palestine, Asia minor and beyond. Lucius Junius moderatus Columella, a prominent writer on agriculture during the Roman empire, referred to the Olive tree as ´¨Ólea Prima Arborum est´´ The first among trees, a tree of great importance denoting status and wealth. Legend and symbolism surround this ancient tree from the Olive branch as a peace offering, the dove with the olive branch in its beak, Jesus being crucified on a cross made from Olive wood it is said etc

Food is medicine and indeed Hippocrates wrote extensively about the many health benefits of this ancient oil rich in antioxidants, beneficial fatty acids, antiinflammatory, a key ingredient in the true mediterranean diet contributing to a healthy heart...indeed its uses are infinite...

I had already decided that I and a small group of friends, would pick the olives and obtain our own oil up in the sleepy village of Relleu, Alicante, famed for its quality organic oil. My friend´s trees had not been pruned in years, nor had the land been tended to, making the task of picking rather complicated and indeed involved a few near misses when up ladders on uneven ground! My romantic vision quickly disappeared as we soon realized without the appropriate tools it was long back breaking work...

We spent many hours up ladders, squatting on the ground, climbing trees (that part, despite nearly losing an eye on sharp branches was good fun, reawakening the inner child in me!) and dodging some interesting insects and some scary looking tree spiders!

We picked around 130 kilos of olives the first time giving us some 35 litres of oil if I remember rightly. Rich nutrient dense organic oil from trees and land that had never been sprayed with pesticides!

The Olive press at Relleu

How I managed to fit 12 crates in my small Toyota Yaris and a dog I´ll never know but where there´s a will there´s a way...

I have to admit it was exhausting work and the weather and time constraints added to the stress. I vowed I would not repeat again until next year when the land had been properly prepared and with some real tools! However shortly after I was told of some land, well cared for with Olive laden trees just falling to the ground going to waste and I could not resist so here I was again, this time alone apart from one day with a few hours help from my daughter...

Over 100 kilos again in record time of amazing fat and juicy olives. I won´t lie, it´s hard work doing it the old way (most nowadays use machinery to shake the trees) but it´s also incredibly rewarding when you see the oil that you helped produce. The connection with nature and these ancient trees providing us with this medicinal gold, an elixir of life, is most definitely an experience!

Picture below; The oil infused with handpicked mountain herbs, rosemary and thyme :)

The wild mountain woman and her caravan adventure part 3

2022-09-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

September the 24^thpart 3. The pink panther, potatoes and seven drunk Lithuanians…

Five months in from the moment I made the decision to begin this mountain/caravan project with my friend.

Autumn is fast approaching, though sometimes hard to imagine in the boiling sunshine. The cooler nights however are a welcome shift…

These last few days have been rather odd, just for a change…

By the way, did I mention I drive a pink car, commonly known as the pink panther? A friend told me he had the ideal very cheap car for me that for some reason no one seemed to want (ha!) and I scoured the street wondering which old banger it could possibly be until I saw something rather garish and kitsch out the corner of my eye. I looked at him with incredulity, “You are having a laugh, right? It looks like a fucking Barbie car!” Well, long story short, it was cheap, in very good condition and beggars can’t be choosers as they say. With time I have grown increasingly attached to my funny little car which always draws attention and smiles, particularly from little girls! I decided that anything that raises a smile in these rather grim times is a good thing and I have never liked normal cars anyway…

Yesterday however following a few days of illness, physically extremely debilitated and moments of anxiety that I was wasting precious caravan refurb time by being ill, had to remind myself about self -care and the importance of the journey not the destination, sorry I digress, anyway I crashed the pink panther!

As myself, two friends and my daughter’s American staffy flew down the mountain back into civilization, my heavy head reminded me I was still not 100 percent but was happy for a spontaneous trip to help out a friend and buy some cheap groceries. I’m so used to the car I forget it’s pink and often wonder why people are staring, as the dog stuck its head out the window, enjoying the breeze, my friend ranted about Trump whilst waving his beer bottle at passersby and I attempted to keep my scrambled thoughts on the road. Many shops and stops later, in the supermarket underground carpark, my lack of concentration reared its ugly head as I reversed out the space whilst chatting about, who knows what, when a sickening crunch and bang shocked us all. I froze at the wheel.

Put it this way, the pillar looked a lot better off than the front of my car which was hanging precariously. I refused to get out and inspect it properly. My stress levels, which were already sky high for many other personal reasons, were reaching boiling point. I breathed deeply and allowed my mates to take over, with the help of a bungy. “Will we make it back up the mountain?” I asked miserably. One meagre yellow bungy holding almost the entire front of the car together, a carload of shopping and four passengers. If people had stared before now, now we really were drawing attention! We made quite a sight as the pink car limped slowly up the mountain, at snail speed, dangerously close to disintegrating every time we crossed a speed bump! The dog and my friend hanging out the windows, one slightly more inebriated than the other.

Only the week before a similar scene played out with another inebriated friend post party also hanging out the window waving his glass at everyone, shouting we were all going to die come the apocalypse! God knows what the local villagers thought every time the pink panther shot through, though this time it was staggering…

Would I ever get the bloody caravan finished before yet another disaster? Let alone global disaster!

As we passed by the lake, I was reminded of the day a few months previously when a friend had visited and I had taken her there for a day of tranquility, promising her very rarely would you see another being. Just my luck, despite my promise of escaping humans, we encountered a van full of males who turned out to be Lithuanian (again, very inebriated!) who became very excitable when they spotted two ladies in bikinis, then a third (God help us, she was topless with a Chihuahua called Wendy!) They had a tent and van, fishing rods, pizzas, a lot of alcohol and had already been there for twenty-four hours...

Long story short, they ended up challenging us to a tequila contest and only I stupidly accepted! Only two shots, I hasten to add but for some reason they decided my name was Foey...

From then on, my friend renamed me Foey, reminding me that the one time she came into the great wild to get away from people and civilization, we ended up with seven Lithuanian males, a topless lady and a Chihuahua called Wendy, though knowing me for over a decade she expected nothing less!

It was slightly tricky extricating ourselves from their ‘party’ especially as they were hell bent on following us back up the mountain and continuing the party in the village! Bloody hell, that could go either way…

I was reminded of a classic situation decades ago when some friends were partying loudly until the music abruptly stopped, and a loud German, cable in hand, having unplugged the sound system, declared to the group, “The party was good Ya but now she is over!” I repeated that same sentence and decided to make a hasty retreat…

Back to the present and the car valiantly made it up the mountain, I was almost in tears thinking I could not afford something else to go wrong. Twenty-four hours later, Si, my multi-talented amigo, armed with a hammer and various tools had managed to beat the car into submission, making it look almost normal (it probably wouldn’t pass the MOT but I still have a good six months to worry about that) and he finally began putting the flooring in the caravan! I was immensely relieved and grateful. Meanwhile I vented my frustration, smashing already broken roof tiles with a hammer into the walled garden earthen floor to create a path alongside the grow areas I had created to plant my potatoes. I was excited again by the transformation from wild overgrown snake infested area to a neat little garden full of promise.

Walled garden before...

Walled garden after...

I had been studying various gardening channels on the best way to grow potatoes and sweet potatoes and was using (kind of) the lasagna method with layers of soil, compost, paper, hay etc Today I planted my first three potatoes and I have to say, it was a joyful experience (watch this space in a few months!) For despite my frequent frustrations, I was reminded of how far I/we have come in these months and what a transformation, in spite of many hiccups, illnesses, accidents and personal difficulties along the way.

We were bringing life back to an area that had been long abandoned.