The first thing I thought about in the morning is that my wife Cory wasn’t there. Just an empty space beside me. I listened for a moment, and the silence felt heavier than usual. Then the realization washed over me that she’s not coming back. That physical void never stops reminding you of the loss. Today’s post is about some gentle, practical ways to face that physical emptiness after losing someone you love. 

The Physical Void Is Real - And It Hurts

Anytime there’s a loss, the physical void is often the hardest to comprehend. The absence of touch, their voice, the ability to share experiences together- it’s unsettling, overwhelming, and deeply emotional. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to pause. It’s okay to sit in bed a little longer. But eventually, the day begins. And each day you wake up, you’re faced with a choice- let the day pass you by, or take one small step toward healing. My grandfather coined the term, "every day is a good day." Today is no different. Here are seven gentle ways to help soften that shattering physical void:

1. Open up the curtains and let the light in. 

Hiding in the darkness may feel easier, but it only deepens the weight you’re carrying. Natural light doesn’t solve everything, but it does bring warmth, comfort, and a reminder that the world is still turning, one morning at a time. Let the sun be your morning kiss. Let it lift you, even if by only one inch. Open those curtains and let the light come in. Hiding in the darkness doesn't make it any easier. It's avoidance and only brings more pain. Hiding doesn't solve struggles and it doesn't address the situation. On the other hand, the sun's rays shining on your face feels wonderful. Think of the warmth as your loved one giving you a morning kiss.

2. Move your body. 

Take a walk. Stretch. Keep Those Feet Moving. The more physically active you are, the less time your mind has to wander into the darkest places. I think of physical movement as a transformation; each step is a small way to regain emotional strength. The harder you work at it, the stronger you feel. Go exercise. Take long walks. Keep those feet moving. The more physically active you are, the less time your mind has to wander. I think of physical exercise as a transformation - a way to gain emotional strength. The harder you work at it, the more strength you gain.

3. Spend more time with family and friends. 

Avoiding people may feel safer, but it often makes grief heavier. Many people simply don’t know what to say so they step back, and in turn you may even feel more alone. Be mindful of the urge to isolate. It’s natural but it also works against the healing process. You don’t have to host big gatherings -just being around familiar voices can soften the silence. Spend more time socializing with family and friends. Avoiding the outside puts more strain on communication as many don't know how to react or what to say. Be mindful of the natural tendency to isolate yourself and fight against it. A common perception is that you’re supposed to sit at home with the shades drawn, in bed, crying all day. Maybe true, but only for the first few days. Social interactions break the eerie sounds of sudden silence surrounding you. Seeing familiar faces often softens the landing.

4. Find a hobby, something that sparks interest again. 

It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be your “thing.” It just needs to be something. Rediscover an old passion or try something new. Hobbies give your mind a break from the heaviness and help rebuild the parts of your life that grief tried to take away. Find a hobby, something that you’re passionate about. It can be anything. Hobbies are great at passing time by and meeting new people. Rediscover your lost passion or try something exciting and new.

5. Accept help and don’t shut people out. 

It’s tempting to stay in your own world when everything feels heavy, but letting others in (even just a little) can make a huge difference. Allow friends to stop by, let family drop off a meal, or simply receive a hug without brushing it off. You don’t have to carry this alone. Volunteer your time, write a blog, become a public speaker. Share your experiences with others and help them find their way. Not only are you doing a wonderful service but you’re helping yourself too. In case you hadn’t connected the dots, that’s how this blog started.

6. Stay busy, but with purpose. 

The busier you are in meaningful ways, the less time your mind has to spiral. Fill your day with small tasks, connections, hobbies, errands, volunteering, or family time. When you end the night with the comfort of knowing: You made it through another day. And that alone is something to be proud of. 

7. Volunteer or share your story. 

Offer your time. Write. Speak. Help someone else find their way through their own darkness. Sharing your experiences doesn’t just serve others, it heals you too. That’s exactly how this blog began. Helping others became part of my own recovery. Stay busy. The busier you are, the less time your mind has to wander. Become so busy with your work, hobbies, errands, volunteering, family, and friends that by the end of the day you’re exhausted that you can easily fall asleep knowing you've made it through the day. Smile softly to yourself. A little tiny grin can bring a little peace and stability. Take deep breaths and exhale, which puts your entire mind and body into a relaxed state. A smile always brings comfort. I understand how difficult it may seem to incorporate some of these elements into your life. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

As always, please share your own feelings and insights in the comments. I’d also really appreciate it if you Like our page and share this post with others who might benefit. The more momentum we have, the more people of this world we can help. Fill the void and keep those feet moving.

Widower, Father, Fighter: Keep… - Dancing in the Discomfort Zone with Anne Bonney - Apple Podcasts

When life throws you every curveball imaginable- hearing loss, heartbreak, grief, and single parenthood- all before 40, the path forward can feel impossible to see. That’s exactly why I was honored to join Anne Bonney on her podcast, Dancing in the Discomfort Zone, to talk about resilience, faith and redefining what strength really means. In our conversation, we dive into the heart of what it takes to “keep those feet moving", even when the world feels heavy.

Around the 22- minute mark, I share a powerful faith journey to Masada in Israel back in 2017. (A trip that reshaped my perspective on grief, healing, and community). Standing atop that mountain with 15 men from my men’s group, I found peace in vulnerability and strength in shared purpose. It reminded me that healing often begins when we take that first step forward, even if we don’t know where the path leads.

We also explore how society’s views on masculinity is changing. For generations, men were taught to stay strong, stoic and silent in the face of pain. But as Anne and I discuss together, that mindset is shifting. Today, there’s more acceptance and even encouragement for men to open up about their struggles, to grieve out loud, and to connect through honesty and emotion. Vulnerability isn’t a weakness; it’s a bridge.

Another topic touched on is the common misconception that widows and widowers somehow “inherit a fortune” after losing a spouse. The truth is, loss is never a gain- it’s a void that money can’t fill. What we inherit instead are memories, responsibilities and a choice; to stay still in the pain or to move forward with purpose.

For me, keeping focus on something whether it’s my daughter, my career, my writing, or my faith- has been the key to healing. Purpose doesn’t erase grief, but it gives it direction. It’s what helps me keep those feet moving, one step at a time.

If you haven’t listened yet, check out the full episode of Dancing in the Discomfort Zone with Anne Bonney to hear our full conversation about resilience, faith and how openness can help us rebuild, not just bounce back.

Home | Your Change Speaker: Anne Bonney

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MORE FROM ANNE BONNEY

Grief is Not a Dirty Word Podcast | Hosted by Nick Gaylord 

In this powerful episode of Grief is Not a Dirty Word, host Nick Gaylord sits down with widower, father, and author AJ Coleman for an intimate conversation about love, loss and the courage it takes to keep moving forward after tragedy. 

AJ shares how he met his late wife, Cory, through online dating-and how he knew she was “the one” the very first night they met for dinner. What follows is a deeply sacred telling of their life together, including the unimaginable journey of walking alongside Cory as she battled terminal brain cancer. AJ reflects on the final moments they shared, the quiet goodbyes Cory said to their young daughter, and the strength it took to become a single parent while grieving the loss of his partner. 

Beyond loss, AJ speaks openly about resilience while navigating life with a hearing impairment, raising his daughter through grief, and now preparing for the next chapter as she gets ready for college. This episode is a testament to enduring love, honest grief, and the possibility of growth even after profound heartbreak. 

This conversation is not about “moving on” but learning how to live fully, love deeply, and thrive while carrying grief with you.

BOOKMARK THE WEBSITE: www.griefisnotadirtyword.com

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It was a Friday morning, 18 years ago, when my daughter was born. Apple recently launched its first iPhone, skinny jeans were popular, often worn with oversized tops, and the pop-culture consisted of blockbuster movies such as Spider-Man 3 and Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix. Believe it or not, Blockbuster was still a weekly date night ritual to check out new movie releases. Just thinking of how much has changed since then, a whole new world has emerged.

My wife didn’t want to know the baby’s gender; she wanted it to be a surprise. To her, all that mattered was delivering a healthy baby. I respected her decision, after all, she was the one carrying the baby.

I remember weeks leading up to the birth the level of anticipation, excitement, and nervousness were all rolled in one. For me, not knowing the gender, I think added a little more anticipation as everyone kept asking me what my speculation would be. Like my wife, my primary concern was both my wife’s and baby’s health. However, in those weeks leading up, I had a strange dream one night, it was a glimpse into the future – three daughters.

The funny thing is that all the wives' tales pointed out that the baby would be a boy, so you can imagine our surprise it was a girl. Goes to show you that while predictability and statistics can be meaningful, it’s not definitive.

The realization that I would soon be a father was certainly eye-opening. At the time, I had a wife and dog that depended on me for everyday essentials and now, a little person will soon be too. In the past, all I had to be concerned about was me, now my responsibilities have expanded. I tried to think about my own father and how he prepared for my birth. Similar to us, my gender wasn’t known until I came out into the world.

You can read books, online resources, or even seek guidance from others on what to expect. But every knowledge and instinct you have goes out the window the moment your child is born, along with all the planning.

Eight weeks after our daughter was born, my wife was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Fourteen months later, my wife passed, leaving me to raise our daughter as a single father.

To learn more about my life as a single father and how I persevered through all the heartaches and pain, I invite you to pick up a copy of my book, “Keep Those Feet Moving” on Amazon or visit my website under the same title.

Through the years, I’ve worked hard to create a life for my daughter that she can look back at her childhood with fond memories, stories, and laughter. I prioritized our quality time together whether it was through traveling, cheerleading, shopping, or simply hanging out. It didn’t matter what we did as long as she knew how much I loved her.  And equally important, I reminded her that her mother is always spiritually with us and looking down at her with smiles as she is so proud of her. I’ll admit, sometimes I didn’t always get it right, but I used those teaching moments to be a better father.

From my daughter’s perspective, I can’t imagine what it’s like growing up without a mom. From an early age, she knew our household was different from her friends. Although many were accepting of our situation, at times, it felt we both were under a microscope as there were still skeptics wondering whether I could raise my daughter properly. Still we managed to make it work.

I am sure if you asked her for feedback on my parenting, she’ll probably gloat about how I always made her laugh as she was the only one that got to see the silly side of me. I’m naturally a reserved person who holds my emotions in, but around her, she gets to hear all my dad jokes. She’ll probably tell you that I was always there for her no matter the situation, event, or time. She may even tell you for the life of me that I can’t cook and how we always either dined out or brought food in. Or perhaps when she was younger, I dressed her in polo outfits and other matching outfits as I couldn’t color coordinate tops and bottoms. So I’d over spend on name brands just to make sure she was always in style even though she’d outgrow the clothes by the end of the season. 

This past week I looked at endless photos and videos saved in the cloud. Tears swelled as I walked down memory lane. Where did time go? One moment, I was holding my daughter in my arms shortly after she was born, and now I’m watching her blow out candles on her 18th birthday. The time between is like a fast-forward button that finally reset to play.

Recently, my daughter wrote a letter as part of her school assignment. When she gave it to me to read, I was touched and speechless. She thanked me for being her dad and called me her best friend. I asked her if she would make a copy of the letter so I can frame it as a reminder of how I touched her life as much as she’s touched mine.

Today, she and I are very close as she tells me everything. Some things I probably don’t want to hear, but I listen without judgement. I’d rather her openly share than not. Whatever the situation, issue, highlights shared, we are in this together.

The next milestone ahead is my daughter declaring her college choice within the next few weeks. It was bittersweet watching her select which universities to submit her applications. Of course, I have my personal preference, but it’s not for me to decide. She’s now a young adult, free to make her own decisions. Whatever she chooses, I’ll continue to support her as a proud dad.

Oh, remember when I mentioned earlier that I dreamt about having three daughters? Well, through a blended family, I proudly inherited two bonus-daughters. Who would have thought that a dream that gave me a glimpse into the future would become a reality. I guess you can say your dreams can predict the future.

As a parent, you spent your time and energy watching your child(ren) grow into young adults. With two bonus-daughters on the verge of college graduation, and my daughter set to graduate high school soon, I am often asked how I feel about all the upcoming changes. At first, I shrugged it off as more conversation based, but the more I think about it, I find myself excited for each of them. It’s now their journey, I can hope I’ve set them on the right path.

Life is an adventure with new pathways to explore. Sometimes the path may lead to dead-end, other times it leads to golden opportunities. One thing for certain, it’s always better to look ahead than look back.

My daughter’s 18th birthday is a special milestone for both of us. I am very proud of her and the young lady she’s become. But that doesn’t stop me from telling more dad jokes, I don’t think I'll ever be too old to hear them.

Thank you for reading,  and “Keep Those Feet Moving”. If you liked this post, click the like button, and share your proud moments! If you want to pick up the book, here’s the direct link: Amazon - Keep Those Feet Moving.

What I Learned In My First 50 Years

My goodness, 50 years… 

For the first time, I just acknowledged one of my most important milestones. Sure, age is just a number. Or is it something bigger? The funny thing is that I don’t feel my age. Well, technically as I write this post, I’m still in my 40s. But I’ll be graduating from this decade in just a few more days.

With all of the adversity I’ve had to overcome in my first 50 years, I like to think of myself as a resilience mentor.

From an early age, I taught myself to overcome disappointments, challenges, and setbacks. Of course, all the details can be read in my first published book, Keep Those Feet Moving, which has more intimate thoughts and insights into my life.

I don’t know about you, but turning 50 gives you the perfect chance to hit life’s reset button. 

But before I hit that button, I think it’s important to share some additional thoughts as I reflect through mistakes and triumphs. I’ve made plenty of mistakes & looked down on myself in shame. 

Some mistakes were barely noticeable while others were detrimental to my success. 

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always strived for perfection. My intent was simple: to take away any leverage anyone has against me. It’s my way of protecting myself from fear, harm, and pain. 

Through the years of maturity and self-reflection, I realized that — no matter the circumstances, no matter the odds — there is only one direction: forward. 

No matter the obstacles that stand in my way — the struggles, the fears — as long as I keep those feet moving, I have a fighting chance. 

Life has a way of testing you every day. How you respond determines your next move, your destiny. Take my word for it: The future isn’t fully written yet. There’s time to change it, but it’s up to you to make it happen.

I believe people come into our lives for a purpose.

Every person you encounter — whether it’s someone you meet momentarily or someone who becomes a lifelong friend — has a unique role to play in your life. You may not understand their

significance or recognize their purpose at first, but there is a hidden reason why you were destined to meet.

Some people stay for a moment, others stay for years- but each carries a purpose that shapes us in ways we don't always recognize until much later. And sometimes, when those connections

fade, we feel the weight of what was lost.

One of my biggest mistakes in life is that I lost connection with many of my college friends. Like you (I hope!), I often think about my college years with fond memories. 

Attending the University of Florida was among the most amazing four years of my life, and yet — even as I stare down 50 — it seems like it was only yesterday. 

When I graduated, social platforms didn’t exist. Even email wasn’t like it is today. As I ventured out west for graduate school, I lost touch with just about everyone from UF — including my Tau Epsilon Phi fraternity brothers. 

Years later, I reconnected with a bunch of those guys through Facebook. Even so, there’s a feeling that the opportunity to rekindle those friendships may have passed by. 

Perhaps I can change that by reaching out to each of my brothers to reconnect broken friendship links.

Why I wrote Keep Those Feet Moving.

When I wrote my book, I had an audience of one in mind: my daughter. I wanted to create something that would help her learn who I am and also learn about her mother’s illness. 

Little did I know at the time of writing, it was more than a memoir. It was a therapeutic breakthrough for me — the first time I openly discussed growing up with a hearing impairment and the profound impact it had on my personal development. 

For my entire childhood and throughout my adulthood, I was ashamed, embarrassed to wear hearing aids. I worried how others would perceive me — including when it came to dating and employment opportunities. 

At the time of the book release, I finally acknowledged and accepted that a hearing impairment is something I have. But it doesn’t define who I am.

So who am I? Great question — one that I would have answered differently years ago. 

But today, I can answer with confidence. 

I am someone who took a disability and made it a superpower, using internal strength to overcome my fears. 

I am blessed to have rediscovered faith in recent years, letting it guide me through moments of uncertainty and project calmness when I need it most. 

I have become so strong mentally that no one can make me feel inferior again. I am AJ, and I am proud of who I am!

As I celebrate my first 50 years, here are some lessons I’ve learned.

As my 50th birthday approaches, I figured there’s no better time than now to share some of the key lessons I’ve learned over the years. I hope you find at least one of them helpful.

1. Don’t let others define you. Instead, tune out the noise to rise above any negativity. Allow yourself to soar to new heights. Propel yourself to greater triumphs.

2. Preach positivity throughout the day. Don’t let anyone take away your joy. Smile and laugh. Own your happiness.

3. Run your own marathon. Don’t try to run a race that’s not for you. Run at your own pace, and focus on what you can control.

4. Always account for variable changes. There will always be obstacles along your journey through life. Embrace and channel your strength to overcome each challenge.

5. In life you are tested each day, pass the test and you move forward. But if you don’t pass immediately, stay in the same spot until you figure out how to overcome the obstacles you face.

6. Every day is a good day. This quote comes from my grandfather, who believed each day is a blessing, giving us an opportunity to change the world.

7. When it comes to mourning, keep those feet moving. Motion creates action, and action is the first step to healing.

8. Stay in faith and let it guide you each day. Turn over any issues, worries, and stress to a higher power. You’ll be amazed what happens next.

Sure, I’m probably missing a few lessons here. You’ll have to wait 50 more years to read them. 😉

Thanks for reading. Making it this far is truly a birthday present to me.  

And remember, Keep Those Feet Moving. 

If you liked this post, please click the like button. If you’re up to it, I’d also love to hear some of your secrets to a healthy and happy life. 

If you’re interested in checking out the book, find it on Amazon.

Podcast Excerpt- Seeing Death Clearly with Jill Mclennen

Guest: AJ Coleman

In a recent episode of Seeing Death Clearly, host Jill McClennen sits down with author AJ Coleman for an honest and heartfelt conversation about the ripple effects of loss. Together, they explore how death reshapes relationships with family and friends, the often unspoken social discomfort that follows, and the weight of anticipatory grief. AJ shares his own perspective as a widower and author of Keep Those Feet Moving, offering inishgts on resilience and the ongoing process of learning to live with grief. This discussion sheds light on the challenges many face but rarely talk about, while reminding us that healing is not about “moving on,” but about finding the strength to move forward.

“You know,” AJ begins softly, “we all imagine old people when we think of widows and widowers.” There’s a pause- one of those quiet moments where the weight of truth settles into the room. “We picture gray hair, long marriages, years of memories. We don’t picture a 30-something dad standing in a dim hospital hallway, holding a one-year-old on his hip, trying to understand how life just broke in half.”

AJ goes on to share the early days after losing his wife to brain cancer-those disorienting weeks when grief wasn’t a distant concept but a daily reality that lived in the house with him.

“I had this tiny little girl who needed bottles, naps, diaper changes…and who had no idea the world just shifted. And then there was me-trying to be her dad, her safe place-while feeling completely untethered. Grief didn’t give me time to process. It didn’t give me space. It just demanded I keep moving, keep showing up.”

Jill gently asks him what fatherhood looked like in that first year without his wife.

“It was messy, he admits. “It was learning how to soothe her cries while hiding my own. It was figuring out how to plan a funeral and a first birthday in the same breath. It was the strange realization that people looked at me like I was too young to be a widower, like there must’ve been some mistake. But grief has no age requirement. It doesn’t wait until you’ve lived a full life. Sometimes it comes when you’re just getting started.”

He talks about his loneliness- not just of losing a partner, but stepping into a role no one expects a young man to inhabit.

“When you’re a young widowed parent, you walk into rooms and you’re the only one. The support groups, the books, the conversations-they’re not written with you in mind. I felt like I was navigating a life stage decades before my time. But my daughter…she became my lifeline. She gave me something to reach for when everything else felt impossible.”

On Friendship, Loss, and the Quiet Drift

As the conversation deepens, AJ opens up about the unexpected shifts in friendships after his wife passed.

“It used to be the both of us, he says referring to his late wife. We were a pair. We had couple friends, traditions, people we did life with. But after she died, things changed. Some friends stuck around, but others slowly drifted. Not because they didn’t care- just because grief can be uncomfortable. It can be too much for people who don’t know what to say or how to show up.”

He pauses before continuing, “And honestly, I didn’t know how to show up either. I was surviving. I wasn’t the same guy I was before. And friendships…they don’t always survive that kind of shift.”

AJ shares how that loneliness pushed him inward, searching for a place to put the pain, the confusion, and the pieces of himself he didn’t recognize.

“Writing became that place,” he says. “I didn’t have the same support system I once had, but I had a pen, a notebook, and a need to make sense of my own story. That’s where Keep Those Feet Moving came from. It was me trying to figure out how a widowed father rebuilds. I didn’t write it because I had everything figured out- I wrote it because I didn’t. And somewhere in that process, I found support, connection and purpose bigger than the grief.”

Moving Forward with Love and Clarity

As the conversation unfolds, AJ reflects on the clarity that comes when you confront death so early in adulthood: the way it sharpens your understanding of time, of love, of what truly matters.

“Losing my wife so young didn’t just change me as a man-it changed me as a father. I learned to hold joy and pain at the same time. I learned that grief and love can coexist. And I learned that even in the darkest season, my daughter and I could build a new life that honors her mom every single day.”

YouTube

Instagram: @endoflifeclarity

End Of Life Clarity

A Death Doula Podcast on Death and Dying - Seeing Death Clearly — End Of Life Clarity

LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE HERE

Seeing Death Clearly is a show that challenges you to think about your beliefs about death, dying, grief, and living life. I am your host, Jill McClennen, a death doula and end-of-life coach. As a death doula, I found through first-hand experience that the more I came to terms with my thoughts and feelings about death and dying, the more present I became in my everyday life and I hope to share that with you too, how you can live a better life by having a healthier relationship with death and dying. Each episode features a guest who shares their beliefs and stories about death and dying. These are honest conversations about a topic most of us avoided talking about our entire lives. I am on a mission to change that, one conversation at a time.

"One Day, One Step: A Widower’s Road to Resilience"

You can find this Good Grief episode featuring AJ Coleman on both Spotify and YouTube

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/41HYkkRv9v6Btu7v8ecm5N
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheChristinemalone

To learn more visit: christinemmalone.com - Books, Health and Medical, Trauma Autobiography, Books

Watch the Video Interview Here: Unsilence Grief with AJ Coleman on SoleParenting and Widowhood

Both Marie and AJ understand what it is like to lose a loved one and how the impact of that loss affects many areas of life. During the podcast, AJ mentions how he remembers at the time that no one else he knew was going through this… and says, “I wish I had a guidebook on how to deal with this.”

In the recent years, more resources on grief have been made available, and Marie and AJ continue to advocate for those experiencing grief offering comfort and motivation through their books.

Learn more about Marie Alessi here: Unsilence Grief with AJ Coleman on SoleParenting and Widowhood

You can find Marie’s books including best-seller, Loving Life After Loss, and books she co-authored here: Grief Books that focus on Healing, shared from the heart

Special thanks to the Wings for Widows Organization for their continued support in the grief community.

For additional support and resources- Guiding Widowed Individuals to Financial Stability | Wings for Widows

You can watch the whole episode here: The Whitney Reynolds Show | WRS | Blended Families | Season 5 | Episode 4 | PBS

AJ Coleman shares his personal journey of what is was like when his wife Cory was battling cancer shortly after their daughter was born. He gives wisdom from becoming a widower at the young age of 33 and what it was like raising a one-year-old daughter on as a single father.

The interview shifts focus to his life now as a stepfather and the process of dating again after loss and being part of a blended family.

In addition to his insight on blending a family and becoming a stepfather, AJ tells of how he became an author inspired to write Keep Those Feet Moving: A Widower’s 8-Step Guide to Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds. Overcoming his own challenges such as a hearing impairment, struggling with anxiety, job losses and how his resilience through it all continues to motivate thousands of people all over the world. AJ has been featured on dozens of podcasts and sits on the board for the National Widowers Organization, a virtual toolkit for men coping with the death of a loved one. Learn more about NWO here.

AJ met his current wife, Tracy, growing up together in the same neighborhood. The familiarity in their companionship helped AJ heal after losing his first wife, Cory, to brain cancer. Before getting married, Tracy, had two girls from a previous relationship and AJ had his daughter. Together they are raising their three daughters, watching them grow up together into high school and now college. While no two blended families are identical, AJ shares wisdom on being a stepfather that many other in the role of stepdad can relate too. He encourages stepfathers to be patient. There are a lot of moving parts when it comes to blending a family and not everyone responds to the shift the same. It’s important to remain focused on supporting each other and have a mindset of working together to grow forward embracing the family as it is without comparison to what it might look like for someone else.

How to Watch The Whitney Reynolds Show

The Whitney Reynolds Show is available to stream on pbs.org and the free PBS App, available on iPhone, Apple TV, Android TV, Android smartphones, Amazon Fire TV, Amazon Fire Tablet, Roku, Samsung Smart TV, and Vizio.

Stream Now on PBS.org

Check out more from Whitney Reynolds at www.whitneyreynolds.com

About the author

As a multi-published author, Kim shares her love of nature, animals, living with PTSD, and her mission of tossing Nuggets of Hope into the world through writing and her podcast, Let Fear Bounce.

She is the lead author and coordinator of a collaborative 3-book series titled When Grace Found Me and two stand-alone anthologies, When Hope Found Me (released November 2022) and Paw Prints on the Couch (released August 2023.)

In addition to writing, she hosts the podcast Let Fear Bounce, spotlighting people who make a positive difference in the world, whether by writing, film production, philanthropy, teaching, founding non-profits, and more.

You can regularly find Kim drinking copious amounts of coffee and taking long walks with her dog.

“Nothing Could Have Prepared Us.” with author AJ Coleman S4 EPS 26 Let Fear Bounce - Tossing Out Nuggets of Hope

Hello, Hello, fearless listeners! Are you ready for another episode of Let Fear Bounce? It’s the podcast that’s all about conquering challenges and facing our fears. I’m your host, Kim Lengling, and each week we’ll dive into inspiring stories, expert insights, and practical tips to help you turn your fear into your greatest ally. So sit back, relax, grab that cup of coffee and let’s discover how to make fear our bouncing board toward a life filled with endless possibilities. Right here on Let Fear Bounce!

Kim: Hello, Hello Everybody! Welcome to another episode of Let Fear Bounce! This is Kim Lengling your host and I’m so happy that you’ve decided to spend just a small part of your day with myself and my special guest today, AJ Coleman. Now folks, he wears so many hats, like we all do, but he’s got some pretty darn interesting hats that he wears from time to time and day to day. Now, AJ, he holds several titles including: widower, and single father. He’s also overcome a hearing impairment, job loss, and crippling anxiety. He is also (now this is fascinating folks) a financial crimes expert! Dun dun dun! And you know what? We just might have him back on for an episode specifically about that. So he’s also a financial crimes expert (dun dun dun! I just like to do that) and he’s an author, folks! And his book is called Keep Those Feet Moving: A Widower’s 8-Step Guide to Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds. And that is available on Amazon.

(1:46) Kim: Wow! AJ, thank you so much for being a guest on Let Fear Bounce today!

AJ: Thank you so much for having me. I’m excited to come talk to you today.

Kim: Now, there’s a lot. We were talking (off mic) and we got so off track, but those are the best kind of conversations. We are going to have you come back on (for those of you listening) to have you come chat about his financial crimes expertise, and he’s going to share some tips and stuff like that about fraud and scam and keeping your identity safe and all that. And that’s going to come up here in a few months. So thank you for being willing to come back on before we even really had a chance to talk so hey, yay us!! (Kim laughs)

AJ: It’s amazing what you learn when you openly discuss with individuals and just learn a little bit more about who they are. And a lot of people I think are fascinated with celebrities and social media influencers, but the real interesting people are the people who are just like us- the listeners.

Kim: I could not agree more! That is so well said. Seriously, cause I love talking to people, learning how they “tick”, why they think the way they do. I might not understand it, and might now agree all the time, but that doesn’t matter. I enjoy learning, meeting new people and just you know, it’s just a fun experience! And I think that we should all, you know, all be a little more open to that and a little more accepting. Maybe the world wouldn’t be quite as divided.”

AJ: “I’ll tell you, there’s a lot of head scratching moments that we do in life.” (Kim laughs) Every day you wake up and you have a plan for how you begin your day. Thern midway through the first hour you realize the whole day has gone astray.”

Kim: “Yeah, and I find myself laughing out loud, saying ‘wow! and I thought I had my day planned out!’ Silly me! (Kim laughs)

AJ: “Oh yeah. Definitely, that’s how it is. That’s when I think the best days are when life just takes you on a journey. And some people like structure, others like the “free-flow… I think both are important at times. In days like today, you never know who you are going to meet. You never know what opportunities come through, and society we’re very quick to say “no” of everything. What if we say “yes” to more things? Would we be happier? Would we be more open to trying new things?

Kim: “Right.”

AJ: "Perhaps, we can solve some of the world’s greatest problems, but that’s…

Kim: “You know, I’ve had many conversations with people, and we will jokingly say “we’ll we’ve just solved all the worlds problems in the last half hour if people would just listen to us.” (Kim laughs)

AJ: “That’s true!”

Kim:” I know!”

AJ: "That is true. What was that phrase? We have two ears and one mouth, right? But sometimes the one mouth is bigger than the two ears.”

Kim: “Exactly!” (AJ laughs) Yes! You’re right! You’re right! We’ll I want to jump in because a few of the things that you mentioned- fear plays a part in that. I think, you know, with society. And people in general not wanting to say “yes” to those opportunities that might be sitting right in front of them. Fear, fear has so much to do with that. And that’s why I love having folks like you on. You wear so many different hats, you’ve been thought the ringer, as we all have. Everybody has their trauma, and their really tough stuff. Your journey, your tough, bumpy road (and that’s probably putting it so lightly) um first off, you’re a widower. You lost your wife at a really young age to cancer. Now, that alone, a diagnosis is traumatizing, but then at such a young age and you were new parents at the time, correct?”

AJ: “I was. My daughter was two months old when my wife, her mother, was diagnosed with brain cancer. Nothing could have prepared us at that time for the diagnosis, nothing could prepare us for what would come.”

Kim: “I can’t even imagine. I can’t even pretend to put myself in your shoes.”

AJ: “I was 32 years old when the diagnosis; 33 is when she passed, and I was raising my daughter for the first nine years as a single dad. What I can speak openly is what I openly share with others is how do you go through the “storybook ending” on certain tragedies, life-changing instances that help you bring closure. What has happened to enable you to speak more about it at a later time whether it’s with a smile because you know you’ve done everything you can, and the memory remains with you. Or you’ve done everything you could, and the memory just could not escape you, but just knowing deep down that you have some kind of closure enables you to continue to move on through your journey. And a lot of people just get stuck in their current path. They don’t know where to go, they don’t know who to turn to, they just in essence “give up” and say, “this is just how my life is always going to be.” And other people, like many of your listeners, they take the challenge and just take that as a commitment to thrive harder. And when you look back, you have a sense of accomplishment and that’s what we have today. I miss my wife every day. I know my daughter misses her mother. But together, we keep her legacy alive, and this is what brings me comfort- knowing that I’ve given her a “fairytale ending” at the time when she passed. It enabled me to move forward in life.”

Kim: “There’s probably folks out there that can resonate with your story. That’s just part of your story. So going through all of that, and you said your daughter was two months old when your wife was diagnosed.”

AJ: “Yes.”

Kim: “And you raised her from you know, bottle-feeding, infant.” (Kim chuckles)

AJ: “I did.”

(7:55) Kim: “So what types of fears and I’m sure there were a few, came through? Because you’re dealing with grief, but you had to give your attention and your love and care to this very small human. How were you able to look past the fear of “Oh my gosh, how am I going to do this on my own? Oh my gosh, am I going to be a good enough dad?” What types of thoughts and how did you bust through those?”

AJ: What’s interesting is, I never really had time to settle in with what I call the “dual-control” parenting. Right? Once my wife was diagnosed, it wasn’t like I had a before and after snapshot of what life was really like. I only knew, well, I gotta take care of my wife, take care of my daughter and I just moved forward. So the fear itself wasn’t necessarily on “well, am i going to be a good father?” I think the fear was more predicated on, could I find balance back in my life with a full-time job, being a full-time caretaker, being a dad, trying to move to Chicago from Phoenix (where we were living at the time of the diagnosis so my wife could be with her family, looking for another job, etc. More of that fear was, how do I function? How do I maintain a sense of calmness through this whole ordeal when everyone around me was anticipating that at some point I would have a breakdown. And what’s interesting, those that know me and know my story… it’s almost I’ve been prepared my entire life for tough times. When things get tough or challenging, I actually find new motivation, I find new energy levels that I’ve never known about to propel me through it. And that’s what enables me to speak today, so confidently with the passion that I have to helping others no matter what their challenges may be. No matter what their fears. You have something alive within you, rely on that.

(10:18) Kim: “Well said. And I like how you said that the challenges that you faced in life-they were kind of motivating to you. Now, not everybody’s built that way. I personally am. I am built that way because some of the stuff I went through makes me wonder how I’m still standing sometimes, but I have that mindsight: “Alright, Kim, pull up your big girl panties, it’s time to go.”

AJ: “Yeah”

Kim: “Keep moving, you know? Not everybody has that mindset like you had also mentioned earlier that fear- folks get stuck there. What’s a good little nugget that you could toss out to those folks that are listening right now at any age that might feel “stuck.” Like they went through a traumatic experience or the loss of a loved one. Maybe it’s divorce, loss of a job, whatever the case may be that’s life-altering. What’s a little nugget that you could toss out to them to give them a little motivation, because they might not have that mindset of “Let’s go! I’m just going to plow through this!”

(11:18) AJ: “One common element in what you just described all comes back to grief. The mourning, some sort of loss whether it’s a physical loss, financial loss, companion loss, any type of thing. And when you’re in grief, you have a tendency to focus on yourself and asking the question: Why did this happen? Why me? Why couldn’t this happen to somebody else? Things were going so good right now. We need to transition and start thinking about where. Where are you going? Where am I going to get to? How am I going to get through that process? And when you start transitioning that mindset from why to where (and I use this in term that’s Keep Those Feet Moving always creating action/motion around something) some people might equate it to the “Why and How Principle” but I think we’re going to keep it to where. This is how you can start getting yourself more motivated. When you start moving to that where functionality within your mindset, you realize that you’re letting go of some of the grief and you’re taking steps forward to what your goals are. To what you want to achieve in life. Grief is a part of who we are, it’s a response to grief that separates us from our past and our future. “

(12:52) Kim: “Thank you for sharing that. And I hope, (folks out there) that you caught that. Hope you’re picking up what he was throwing down, folks! (Kim and AJ laugh)

AJ: “I do use a lot of analogies in a lot of different segments to try and resonate with others.”

Kim: “Well, you have to paint a picture! For most folks I have found, (and I found for myself), if I’m able to paint a picture in my head by listening to someone by the words that you’re using and I can' paint a mental picture on my little mental chalkboard, it resonates- I’m able to grasp it much easier. When folks share stories like that, or analogies like that. I think that works well for most folks. They receive it well. You’re also an author, and I’ve found that most authors are pretty good at painting pictures with their words.”

AJ: “It took time.”

Kim: “Yes.”

AJ: “I never thought that I would write a book. Yeah English writing was not my best class, and if you were to have told me that “you’re going to write a book later in life…” I would have not really understood that. But what I’ve found through the writing also is therapeutic to get over some of your own personal fears.”

Kim: “Yes, indeed!”

AJ: “On having that opportunity, that “springboard”, to get it out of your system to share with others, uh, it’s definitely scary. In a sense, because you don’t know how people are going to respond, you don’t know where the general public is really going to understand you. And in today’s society, we’re very quick to criticize, point out deficiency and use the word “well, you're wrong and that’s not how it should be!” But the writing element was more to bring out some of those fears that I had. I never thought I would put together a book. I can definitely put that as my list of accomplishments, and I’ll put it out there. Everyone keeps asking if there is going to be a sequel and another one and I’m like “I’m just trying to get the first one out there!” (Kim chuckles in agreement) I’m sorry, I’m just trying to come to grips on what I’ve done, and being as open as I have because I shared some of my biggest fears of when I was a child-overcoming anxiety, working on what went down the last few hours of my wife’s life and sharing some of the intimate, personal thoughts that I had with her and painting this whole thing. But writing-you have to get your thoughts out in some capacity, and that also takes you from that why to the where. Once you get it out, you don’t know where it’s going to head and what you’re going to meet people like yourself (on discussing after writing a book) or people like this audience who is listening. And having that ability to touch every one of those people in some capacity.”

(16:00) Kim: “You never know who you are going to impact. Because there is someone out there who needs your specific message. That’s how I’ve always believed. It’s so easy as an author and you had mentioned fears in that (getting your story out into the world, your words out into the world) because people are so quick to judge. I found early on that the first time I put something out into the world in a book-(I was a co-author in anthology) it was my personal story and I kept it very general and even that was super difficult to write and think “oh, people are going to look at me different now. Oh, they’re going to judge me!” And the editor (who was a beautiful lady) she said, “Kim, your words aren’t for everyone. But for those who read it that those words are for…that it lands in their hands for a reason and those readers, they’re going to resonate with you and be so thankful that you shared becasue then they won’t feel alone anymore. So all the other ones that are judging, tearing you down or tearing it apart- they’re not your readers. To them, don’t pay attention.”

(17:17) AJ: “That’s great advice.”

Kim: “I’ve never, I’ve never forgotten that.”

AJ: “That’s great advice, I mean that is definitely one of your big fears as an author. Who’s going to read this? What are they going to say? And you look back at your sense of accomplishment thinking when it gets released (the book) that everyone in the world is going to be reading about this and commenting it, and you’re going to be able to be this “instant success", but the reality is, it takes a lot of work to get out there. It takes a lot of work to bring people together to share your story. Unfortunately, there are people who when they learn things about you, it does change their perception of who you are. And their viewpoint-maybe they had you on a pedestal and now they’re like “oh, this person is not who I thought they were so I’m not going to have any sort of relations. Others may decide to put you on a pedestal and use this life-changing opportunity. But I do like where your editor went. It’s hard to think like “well, who’s your target audience” “Who are you writing for?” “Sometimes you’re just writing for yourself. I needed to write something to share for my daughter. And let her know who her dad was before I got too old. The joke was when you dedicate a book to somebody or something. I once was told that I couldn’t write. So, at first, I was thinking about that and to dedicate the book to the A-hole who said I couldn’t write. (Kim chuckles) “Look where I’m at now.” But then I thought about my audience a little bit and said okay, “Who am I really writing this book for?” So, I ended up dedicating it to my daughter so she could finally understand my dad jokes. She rolls her eyes every time I have something to say about that.”

(19:19) Kim: (Laughing) “Well of course she does! It’s part of her job!”

AJ: “(Laughingly) “There are things that she does that I don’t understand where she got this from. The only conclusion that I have is that maybe it’s not in my gene pool. (Kim chuckles) You’re (referring to his daughter) from the other gene pool.”

Kim: (Laughs) “You’re from the other side!” (AJ laughs)

AJ: “But, the greatest fear we all have, people will say, is failure. A failure to do certain things. I don’t know if the best way to say failure is “biggest fear.” I think it’s trusting yourself is one of the biggest fear or greatest fear. It’s having that ability when things get challenging that you can overcome. Having that ability to take on a little bit more and push yourself through when it’s time to put the kids to bed is to have that strength to read that story to them. Having that trust within yourself that you’re going to make your life the very best. When you wake up in the morning one day when you’re 150 years old that you can look back on your life with positive and no-regrets. That’s where the trust is, that’s where the biggest fear is. It’s just people not trusting themselves.”

Kim: “Sure, trust is a big one. All throughout life, and I’ve shared before a dear friend of mine, she was actually my fourth grade teacher, and she called me up one day random, (seemingly) random. She goes, “hey,” (and she’s a fabric artist) so she said, “hey, stop by the shop if you have time.” And I said, “Well, I’m on my lunch hour. I’ll be in that area so I can swing in.” So I swung in and she said, “God laid upon my heart to give you this.” And it was a piece of her fabric art (framed) and it was, it was just the word “Trust.” Beautifully done. And I said, “What’s this for? I mean, it’s beautiful. Thank you so much! But what is this for?” And she goes, “It’s been laid upon my heart all day that I had to give this to you because and to give you the message that you cannot trust and worry at the same time. It’s not possible.” And that was all she wanted to say to me. And I was so floored by that, I broke down in tears and just gave her a big hug because at that time I was going through a very, very difficult time personally. And there was no way for her to have known that. You use the word trust several times and that just kept popping up in my head. You can’t have trust and worry at the same time. I try and remember to toss that out every once in a while because I think folks need to be reminded of that.”

AJ: “That is important. That again goes back to the whole idea that is how do you get over your fears? How do you move forward? When we are young children, you know, we’re fearful of monsters under our bed, monsters in the closet. We’re fearful of not getting a cookie after dinner. Our fears evolve as we grow. And as we get older, our fears change. Boy, I’ll tell you this sometimes I wish I could go back to being two or three years old and still have those fears because they’re so…looking back you know, the monster under my bed…I’d be like, “hey, come on out. Let’s go play! Let’s go talk!” You know? Like why was I so afraid of that little guy, right? But, that trust factor…I like how you phrased it, right? It’s interesting. Most people don’t trust themselves. They have to rely on others for comfort. Others to guide them through. And that’s what makes it harder because you’re not doing your own independent thinking. You’re waiting for others to tell you how to live life, how to handle certain situations. For many of the listeners, I’m sure you have spouses or partners that are always asking you to do something for them while we roll our eyes. Maybe the next time they ask you, it’s because they trust you to get it done. They trust to to help them through something that maybe they haven’t had that confidence to build on. Little things like this is what my mind operates on all day long. I try to think about what is the purpose behind this, like why am I at this exact spot at this exact same moment doing this. If I came four seconds later, would I have seen this or that. And it’s like interesting, right? It’s like a game of inches.”

Kim: “No! My brain does the same thing! Seriously!”

AJ: “Oh, good.”

Kim: “So I’m so glad I’m not the only one!” (Kim laughs)

AJ: “Right?”

Kim: “I have done that so often. I mean often! I’ll go “five minutes earlier? What if I had been there five minutes earlier?”

AJ: “Yeah.”

Kim: “You know many times, many times over my lifetime I’ve thought a similar thought like that. Alright, I want to jump…I’m going to jump around because that’s what I do.”

AJ: “That’s okay!” (Kim chuckles)

Kim: “You said you had crippling anxiety when you were younger, but the hearing impairment, when? Were you born with the hearing impairment or did that come later?”

AJ: “Apparently I was born with it. It wasn’t discovered until I was three years old when we went to do some further testing with an audiologist. Now this was back in 1978, so we’re going back into the late 70’s where it wasn’t as predominant. The information isn’t what it is today.”

Kim: “Right.”

AJ: “We didn’t have internet to look up and see fifty other people with the same issue, right? So my parents had to deal with it their own way, I had to learn and deal with this in my own. So, much different. I would say a lot of that hearing impairment is what crafted me to who I am today. Those experiences I’ve done from a young kid all the way through high school into college, all the way into my professional life and even as a dad. It shaped me for who I am. That’s where the book enabled me to kind of release some of those big fears. And almost to come clean and say, “Look, I grew up with a hearing impairment, I have a hearing impairment, and I compensate in a lot of different ways that most people when they look at me or when they speak to me, they might not notice it or even recognize that there may even be a little bit. Back in the 70’s a disability is perceived a lot differently than it is today.”

Kim: “Oh yes, I agree. Indeed. Keep Those Feet Moving-the book you share, you share your whole journey with the anxiety and the hearing impairment and how that’s impacted your life, the loss of your beautiful wife, being a single dad and a widower and keeping those feet moving. You know, I love the title of the book, by the way.”

AJ: “Thank you.”

Kim: “Because as soon as I read it, just those first four words: Keep Those Feet Moving, I was like, “Oh! There we go! There we go.” My mindset just automatically thought, keep plowing ahead. Well, in my brain, “Put on the big girl panties, time to keep going.”

AJ: “That’s exactly what it’s intended to do, right? A lot of times when we get stuck, we have a tendency to just stay in one place. I’ve always believed that as long as you’re moving, you’re creating action. You have the ability to overcome. Whether it’s climbing over something, running through something, going around…there are always opportunities available to you as long as you’re moving.”

Kim: “Keep those feet moving, that’s right!”

(27:32) AJ: “If you’re stuck that’s where that grief process really stays with you.”

Kim: “And that’s heavy, folks. You don’t want to put extra weight on yourself.”

AJ: “Definitely not.”

Kim: “Keep moving because I’ve said before, I’ve had people (good intentions may be, I don’t know) but they’ll be like, “how long have you been doing this? Shouldn’t you be a little farther ahead if you’ve been doing it this long?” And I’m thinking first off, “It’s not your journey. It’s my journey.”

AJ: “That’s a fair statement.”

Kim: “Yeah. You know and people’s judgement of me that’s on them. It has nothing to do with me.”

AJ: “Yeah.”

Kim: “You know? It literally has nothing to do with me. Other people’s thoughts and opinions of me has nothing to do with me. But, I’ve always said, “Well, I might be moving at a turtle’s pace, but I’m still moving forward one small step at a time. And that’s beautiful to me. ‘Cause I’m still moving forward! You know? Might be at a turtle’s pace. And my pace might not be for everybody, but I’m doing it my way because it’s my journey.”

AJ: “That’s exactly correct in your thinking. I call it a marathon race. It’s not necessarily about where you start, it’s about where you finish. And that goes without saying-anything that we do, right? We have a tendency to perceive others, when you’re in grief. “Well, you need to grieve for x amount of days before you can show signs of maybe life or activity”, right? Or you are studying for an exam and you have a fear of taking tests and people say, “you need to study for eight hours every day to master this”, right? And what happens is, people are dictating what they think. And that’s okay. But as you mentioned earlier, you have the ability to just nod your head and say thank you and then go about what you’re doing. That’s your marathon race that you’re partaking in. And it doesn’t matter how fast, how slow, whatever helps you sleep better at night that way you wake up the next morning and you just want to go right back at it again. People are always going to tell you how to do things and that’s just because when we’re born, we have people tell us what to do. “You’re gonna eat at this time, you’re going to hate to not have a cookie before you eat your vegetables, right? Who made that rule? I don’t know.”

(30:00) Kim: “Yeah! Who did make that rule??”

AJ: “You know back in the day somebody did make that rule a long time ago in the parents little guidebook: Do not feed your child a cookie before they have their vegetables.”

Kim: “Yeah, who did make up that dessert needs to come after dinner?”

AJ: “Yeah, again, I don’t know. (Kim laughs) That’s half the beauty of being an adult, right? And I think that’s when we turn eighteen and some of us move out and go to college. Like this is the greatest thing in the world! I can have cold pizza at three in the morning and my mom’s not going to say anything, right? (Kim laughs and says, “right” in agreement)

Kim: “Yeah, no I love it! Yeah. I can eat pizza every day if I want!” (AJ laughs in agreement)

AJ: “Yeah, yeah!” I mean your health might not appreciate it…

Kim: “Right.”

AJ: (continues) ..but your happiness will be there.”

Kim: “Short-term, yeah.” (Kim chuckles) So where can folks find this awesome book, Keep Those Feet Moving?

AJ: “Well, thank you for the opportunity to share. You can find it on Amazon under Keep Those Feet Moving by AJ Coleman or you can go to the website. It’s keepthosefeetmoving.com and order directly from the website. It’s an 8-Step Guide to different aspects of grief, whether it’s a disability, anxiety, loss of a loved one, companionship, being a single dad. It even has some opportunities on how to overcome job loss and to restore your faith in your religious beliefs again.”

Kim: “Awesome! I have not read the book, but I plan on it because I’m sure there’s all kinds of good little nuggets in there for folks to carry with them. Speaking of nuggets, AJ, I ask all of my guests (when we get ready to wrap up the show) to toss out a “nugget of hope” to the listeners. And it’s something, that they can carry with them. Tuck in their pocket and take with them for the rest of the day. So what would your “nugget of hope” for the listeners be today?”

AJ: “Something that my grandfather coined and I think about it every single day. He said, “Every day is a good day.” And I really enjoyed when he said that. I didn’t really understand when he kept saying it every time I called him up. I’m like, “How are things going?” And he’d say, “Every day is a good day.” And now, I use that. He’s right. No matter what challenges, no matter what hardships you may be facing, it’s still a great day. There may be some challenging days, there may be some heartaches, there may be some other opportunities that you wish would have gone better. But be blessed for what you have because you have an opportunity to make a difference in everybody, and that’s important.”

Kim: “Thank you so much for all that you shared today, and I know it was just a very small part of your journey. I’m positive that someone out there is resonating with something that you shared. Even your nugget, I just love that. Every day is a good day. It’s a good day. There’s always something good to be found in every single day. It might just be, like you had said, going through something really tough. And there’s so many that are. We know that. But take a minute, take a deep breath, step outside and look around you. There’s something that’s going to make you go, that’s beautiful. Or “oh my goodness, look at that!” And then be grateful for it. There’s something good. There’s little nuggets of hope to be found everywhere.”

AJ: “Thank you for this opportunity to be here. I enjoyed speaking with you and your listeners today.”

Kim: “You know, this is a great conversation, and I can’t wait to have you back on to talk about a completely, totally different topic-financial crimes. (Dun dun dun!)

AJ: “Yes!”

Kim: “I almost forgot, dun dun dun! (Kim laughs)

AJ: (Chuckling) “It definitely is a unique career path, but I have also spent the last twenty years fighting the financial crimes world, check fraud, contact takeovers, identity theft, and working with a lot of great people along my way. So I look forward to sharing best practices with your audience on how they can safe guard their own assets and their identities.”

Kim: “And it’s so needed, so needed in today’s world so thank you! Thank you once again, it’s been a true blessing and a true pleasure to have you as my guest today and I wish you beautiful rest of your day!”

AJ: “Thank you.”

Kim: “Everybody out there listening, thank you so much for spending just a small part of your time with myself and AJ today. This is Kim Lengling, your host of Let Fear Bounce. Everybody be well, stay well and be blessed!”

(34:46) Kim: “And that is a wrap, my fearless friends! Thanks for bouncing along with me on another episode of Let Fear Bounce. I hope you’re feeling a bit motivated, and ready to take on any challenge that might come your way in the coming days. Be sure to hit that subscribe button so you never miss an episode of Let Fear Bounce. Tune in each week for your dose of inspiration from my amazing guests from all over the world. Until next time, keep bouncing forward and stay fearless, my friends. Everybody be well, stay well and above all be blessed!”

We are honored to be partnering with author of Paw Prints on the Couch, Kim Lengling for her podcast Let Fear Bounce.

Fearlessly embracing inspiration, creativity, and motivation for three incredible years, and now, as we kick off our fourth year, we're gearing up for an even more uplifting journey! In our little corner of the podcast universe, we bring you inspiring voices from around the globe – individuals who have conquered their fears, achieved success, and are eager to share their stories. Nuggets of Hope will be shared, coffee will be consumed and we will more than likely talk about our pets! Join us each Wednesday! If you're looking for a friendly and relatable show that will help you find hope and inspiration, tune in to Let Fear Bounce, tossing out Nuggets of Hope each Wednesday.

Youtube: "Nothing could have prepared us." Author AJ Coleman #grief #author #cancerawareness #mentalhealth - YouTube

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1:21 Welcome to the Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life Podcast! I’m your host, Nadia De La Cruz, founder of the Wayne Dyer Wisdom Community. My guest this week is no stranger to adversity. He has overcome a hearing impairment, job loss, crippling anxiety after losing his wife to brain cancer in 2009 he was left to raise their young daughter as a single father. He is the author of Keep Those Feet Moving: A Widower’s 8-Step Guide to Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds. AJ Coleman, thank you so much for joining me today.

AJ: “Great, thank you for having me. It’s great to be here.”

Nadia: “I appreciate you coming on for this conversation. You know when I heard about who you are and when I read your book, just hearing about some of the challenges you’ve faced with wisdom and grace which you speak about some of those things today, I knew that I wanted to have this conversation with you. And so often the most amazing people that I meet have been through the most difficulties. It seems to either break you or make you more compassionate, understanding, and more grounded. Or maybe it’s more like being broken open?”

AJ: “Yeah, it is. Many of us when we go through these challenging times, we don’t realize what we’re made of. We spend a lot of time looking back instead of looking forward, and those that really do well in the end is really just pushing themselves higher and using the support. Most often people have the tendency to go one of two ways, right? They can either go backwards or they can move forward. In my situation as a widower, as someone who has dealt with a hearing impairment, anxiety as a result from the hearing impairment my entire life- I only knew one direction and that was to keep moving forward and to keep those feet moving. And I’ve always believed that the more I keep moving, the more action that gets created and I’m able to overcome some of those setbacks. A lot of time, it’s just a mentality. It’s recognizing that some of these setbacks are temporary, and that you do have an opportunity to change, to take that setback and to present it forward for new beginnings.”

Nadia: Yeah, look for where your power is in every situation instead of just saying you know, “I’m a victim to life and this is what happened to me.” and sort of get lost in that space. Not to overlook the necessity and the power of grieving and facing our emotions and working through that. But that was something that I learned from Dr. Dire too was that you know, you always have a choice. There’s another way of looking at this. I spoke with another guest who said, “What if I had chosen this treat whatever tragedy comes into our life? Why would I have chosen this? And that’s a really difficult question to answer when our hearts are breaking or we’re terrified for what life has moving forward, but what that does is we’re looking for an opportunity for learning, we’re looking for an opportunity for growth, we’re looking for a way forward. It looks like you’ve been doing that for your whole life, really.”

AJ: I have, and when I was young I didn’t have the resources that are available today. I grew up in the eighties. I was born in the seventies so I say I grew up in the eighties because that’s when you start remembering. I don’t have a whole lot of memories from the seventies, but the resources today if I had them back then.. cause you talk about could things have been different? Would I have been a different individual? Would I be able to just overcome, and I really don’t know. I taught myself at very early age to move forward and whatever is thrown at me is on me. Something that I relied on my parent’s for (and they meant well), but they too were also uneducated in terms of how to deal with stress, anxiety, dealing with a child who has a hearing impairment that may need special needs to go through schooling. And in times of struggle, it was challenging. There were nights where I remember as a kid just questioning how do you something? Where do I turn to? But as I thought about it further, I always put myself in a position where I’m going to thrive. One of my greatest moments… when you’re hearing impaired you learn to read lips. I put myself in a position where I can look at somebody’s lips from across the way, read what they’re saying and interpret, but I also put myself in different situations of anticipation. If something’s coming from around the corner, I’m already prepared for it. I think about what something can happen, where something can happen, so if something were to happen, I’m prepared. When you’re in a situation where I have been, its the preparedness that helps us stay calm, tranquil. But when we get caught off guard, we panic and that’s where that sense of anxiety comes in.”

7:24 Nadia: “Yeah, if we’re all in our head, its doesn’t seem to go well. You either have to like make a decision and stay confident and this is the action I’m going to take moving forward or you need to move into that “heart space”, right? That you’re connected to your intuition and you know you can learn to feel safe in your body. But when we get stuck in our heads, it doesn’t go well. They say the mind is a wonderful servant and a terrible master. You know so many people experience anxiety today and I think it has to do with the kind of life that we’re living you know with social media and our smartphones and all of that but, I’d actually love to go back to what we were talking about first so…You were just three years old when you were diagnosed with a hearing impairment. And it’s interesting you talked about lying in bed as a child and not knowing where to go for information or what the answers were for how to resolve situations and it makes me think, I wonder if your parents were doing the same thing, you know? Especially at that time in the eighties there wasn’t, I mean the school systems really didn’t know what to do either. So how did the hearing impairment affect your relationships with other kids and those early years at school?”

8:50 AJ: “I became aware of my hearing impairment; my earliest memory was when I went to preschool. I might have been about 4 years old where I was kind of plopped down with a group of kids and I knew and felt different because I had (what I believe) was the world’s largest hearing aid that was just booming out and other kids didn’t have that. And the great thing about kids at that age is they sort of accept everything and everybody. But as you grow older and start maturing a little bit kids start forming perceptions based on their family values and listening to things their friends say and when I got into kindergarten it was a little bit of a challenge. I attended an elementary school, and they had a little bit of a section off to the side for like a school for the deaf children. I often got confused where I was supposed to go because I wasn’t deaf, I had an impairment, but other kids kept saying why are you over there? I’ll never forget my father once telling me the story many years later is that I had trouble reading the teachers’ lips because they were turned on the chalkboard. At the time, we had chalkboards at the time (because you know it was the eighties, we had chalkboards in the eighties) and I couldn’t hear and I couldn’t read. And the principal did tell my father, “Well, maybe he should go to a different school and seek more/better accommodations than we could provide”. And my parents, to your point, because you want your child to be in the mainstream, you want your child to have that likeability and people talk. Where we grew up in the suburbs of Chicago is very affluent. It wasn’t recognized when you had a child with a disability or maybe even special needs. It wasn’t as accepted. I’m sure they struggled with their first-born needing. The technology never existed. The resources didn’t exist and that’s where the struggles are. And I don’t know if my parents today really understood what I went through. Nor did I understand.”

Nadia: “I’m sure they don’t.”

AJ: “I’m sure I didn’t understand what they went through as parents.”

Nadia: “Mhm.”

AJ: “You know kids today, as you continue to grow older… I think it’s gotten a lot tougher. Again, you may have more resources, but now you have social media. On the flipside you have more support groups, you have more organizations that are warm and accepting, but then the other again goes back to the pressure as a teenager. I don’t know how today would have been different tomorrow. All I can do is share my experiences and hopefully promote those in a similar situation as I was, and they maybe they can grow and learn, and overcome some of the hearing or a disability they have. I just realized, it’s actually pretty cool to have a disability in a sense, it’s cool to be different. It’s cool to be having those opportunities that maybe…I joke now that one of the great things about having a hearing disability is- I can’t hear the dog snoring at night.”

Nadia: (Laughs)

AJ: “Yeah, I didn’t even know the dog snored! Uh, but I was told, right? There are some advantages, but it also comes down to maturity here. At my age, at 48 years old, I’ve just hid from it my entire life until I wrote the book. It’s more open for me now to talk about it, and recognize that yes, it was a challenge. I struggled for acceptance, and there are times where I still struggle for acceptance. I’m a lot stronger today than I was last year, the year before embracing how far I’ve come.”

Nadia: “So, it’s interesting to me when you say you didn’t really share your struggles until you started working on the book. Wow! Like, that is a (laughs) that is a big HERE I AM! So what inspired the book or why did you write it now? What was it about now that you were ready to share it in a big way?”

13:43 AJ: “I’ve always believed that I wanted to write something for my daughter who when she was two months old, her mother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and passed away a year later when she was one. I wanted to always leave something behind. Something she can cherish, something she can learn about who her dad was. Collectively with my thoughts, what I’ve gone through, I’ve shared a lot of things in my book that I hadn’t shared with anybody in terms of my disability, my struggle with anxiety, how I felt and what were the last few minutes I shared with my wife and what life was like being a single dad you know raising a daughter and it just became as I wrote more and more… I realized, it’s not really a book for her, it’s a book for me too. And coming to the realities and gaining closure on some of those what I call “insecurities” and just sharing about it. And to me it was a big step forward. Those who read about me and who know me and have an idea of me, they get to see me in a different perception because they didn’t even know what I went through. It was almost like a tale of two places, here I am and my past and people who knew me from my past and people who read the book say like “hey, that’s weird because I didn’t even know that about you!”

Nadia: “Yeah, we get to see your depth now, right? Whereas for years maybe it was only the surface that everyone got to see. And when you open up and make a choice to let people in, that takes courage. Bravo! Bravo, dad! Like to be inspired by your daughter, but actually she’s helping you heal. She’s helping you heal by being motivated to kind of process and open up. You know, we're only as sick as our secrets, not that these are secrets but like I feel like it opens us to connection and especially having come through this time in the pandemic, I think we find how important it was for us to be with friends and family and how important we are to each other and how short life is. Like if you didn’t know that already then this was a real opportunity to think about what’s most important. How old is your daughter now?”

AJ: “On a good day she’s sixteen.”

Nadia: (Laughs)

AJ: “There’s some days I feel she acts much older. She definitely has a lot of great characteristics of me in terms of how like I think and how I operate. Right now her biggest motivation is to learn how to continue to learn how to drive and eventually get her driver’s license. We started her a little bit later with her birthdate and the maturity part. She definitely is out there pulling some fast ones on me. Taking a lot of what I do and turning it against me. If I may give a great example…I’ve always told her, (and this is part of my upbringing) don’t share with others unless they ask. When you’re getting information out of people just tell them what they need to know and if they want to know more, they’ll do follow-up questions. Let them assume. So it was about a year and a half ago, my daughter wanted to visit some camp friends in Colorado. We live in Chicago, and one of her friend’s mom was going to take them. We were going back and forth on the travel arrangements and at one point, the mom said to me, “ AJ, I don’t know if the boys have the same spring break as the girls!” and I’m like, “Wait a minute. Boys? What do you mean boys? She’s visiting camp friends!” So I went to my daughter and I said, “Zoey, walk me through this. I thought you were visiting camp friends?” She goes, “I am!” I said, “but the boys?” She’s like, “yeah!” I said, “but why didn’t you tell me?!” She said, “Dad, you didn’t ask. You assumed!” And right then and there, I realized how much of an influence I have on her and how she reacts to certain things. At that point, regardless of about how I feel about her going to Colorado… I’ve already committed to that. I had to let her go and trust her, right? It’s one of those things. That’s the connection. Despite our loss and her growing up without a mother-figure for most of her life, she and I share a very common, strong bond together. She is really been the primary influence on how I not only written that book, but coming out on podcasts today and just talking about-sharing some of the humor.”

When we talk about grief, a lot of times we talk about the loss, people are fixated on the why. I always like to think about the positive aspects. Everything happens for a reason. I understand today we may not like it. Something bigger than us all perhaps her mother’s legacy enabled us to be very close. Now, when she goes away to college in two years, I may have some different thoughts, but uh…”

Nadia: (Chuckles)

AJ: “It just means I’m doing my job well. It’s to educate her, to have her grow, and be a person of independence.”

20:20 Nadia: “Yeah giving her wings, strength, and it makes me think about my mother taught me to not blindly follow authority. So you know if a teacher tells you something or somebody who’s in charge and they tell you something and it doesn’t feel right. Like it’s okay to check in and question that. But then when I became a teenager and tried to question her, I think it backfired a little bit for her. Actually, it served me really well in my life because I feel like I’ve been more independent because of it and I’ve made up my own mind about things. It hasn’t always been an easy journey, but you know for better or worse, my mom did plant that seed of being independent. So I’m sure you’re planting seeds that might be growing some thorns right now, but I’m sure she’s going to be amazing. Can you tell me about her mom? Your wife, Cory? What was she like?”

AJ: “Cory is an angel. I’d never met somebody like her. I knew within meeting her for the first time that I was going to marry her. It was the vibe, it was the chemistry, everything. And I liked to believe, I’m very much a relaxed person, I’m very observant. I plan ahead so that I don’t get myself into a situation, and she was calmer than I am.”

Nadia: (Laughs)

21:53 AJ: “It took a lot to rattle her. Her strength came from within. She comes from a great family. People that she grew up with and cherished her. It really was a challenge when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer because we have somebody who’s so pure, somebody who’s so innocent and has such a zest for life and to have their lives cut short. It was tough. We had a couple of good years together before she got sick. Zoey again was born and two months later she got sick. It could be that when Zoey was born the cancer was impacting my wife, but really not at the point where it felt like it could be impacting the pregnancy you know, the delivery. But sometimes I think about what happens if we didn’t conceive when we did. And what if it was too late? Then maybe we would have been in a situation where others have had to choose right? Between mother and daughter or mom and son I can’t imagine being in that situation. Cory was an angel. I do my best to keep the legacy alive. I do my best to share some of the inspiration and there is a lot of the same characteristics that Zoey has. They walk the same. They look very similar. Some people who haven’t seen Zoey in many years and who know Cory think they look very similar and sometimes they do a double-take. I like to think she got the best of both qualities. But I will tell you that she and Cory, I mean they would have been the best of friends.”

Nadia: “Well, they are, right? But not here.”

AJ: “Yeah, I like to keep the legacy alive. Especially when Zoey was younger. When she would sort of challenge me for bedtimes. You know how kids want to stay up later and as parents we’re so exhausted we just want to lie down. She’d be like “daddy, it’s not time to go to bed. Can I stay up?” And then sometimes I would say “okay” and then like five minutes goes by and she would tell me it’s not time yet so I would say, “well, I think mommy wants you to go to bed.” And she would say “well, how do you know that?” and I would say well “I can feel it.” You know she looks up and would go “well, mommy wants me to stay up!” Well mommy wants you to go to sleep. So we would start down that like humor-type sort of thing but as we get older, I’ve always encouraged her to reach out spiritually to her mom. Tell her what her thoughts and her feelings are and it’s okay if she does it or if she does not. That’s for her, right? I’ve always tried to encourage the relationship. Even though she may not be here with us physically she is within our hearts, and she is around. And I do believe our loved ones still walk around among us, we just can’t see them we just have to look for little signs that point that say “aha, here I am! I’m looking right at you and you’re missing this.” And that’s something I really like to try and coach Zoey into believing- We are here, but there is an enormous great force that surrounds us.”

25:42 Nadia: “I believe that. I believe that for sure. A lot of people know from listening to this podcast that I lost my dad. I’m coming up on the fifth anniversary of his passing and it’s been one of the most painful loss of my life. I definitely feel his presence, I really do feel like he’s here, I do you know communicate in that sort of “hey dad, how’s it going, or like this is what’s going on.” But I think he knows. My grandmother, she didn’t believe in life after death. She thought when you die, that’s it. And she lost her husband (my grandfather) um and she must have felt him. She was in Belgium and she spoke French so there was a bit of a language barrier between us, but she must have felt him because she said, “she believes in life after death now.”

AJ: “Oh, good!”

Nadia: “She lived almost 20 years after he passed on her own, so that’s been an interesting journey. You know those “what-if’s” that you talk about like did the pregnancy impact the growth of the cancer? You know there’s all these hormones in our bodies during pregnancy that can do that you know those “what-if’s” will destroy you, right?. And I’m sure along the way you’ve thought about what would Cory say about that. Something to important to consider is that well, that cancer might have come back anyway. Maybe it wouldn’t have been right then. Maybe it would have been a year later or two years later or whenever, but then Zoey wouldn’t be here, you know? I just feel like she would have no regrets, like this was her purpose. How do you feel about that now?”

AJ: “I mean I can’t imagine what she went through emotionally, physically, mentally, to really fully you know I know she would give everything for her daughter. And that was her purpose.”

Nadia: “She did, kind of.”

AJ:” Yeah she did. When Cory went through the surgery, (it was the recommendation of the neurosurgeon to go ahead) and we did not know what to expect. When she came out of that surgery, her personality was a littlebit different because of where the tumor sat. I never spoke about the unknown. I always believed we were going to beat the cancer despite what the doctors told me, what the prognosis was. I chose not to accept it, and part of it was my own grieving process at that time. She never once complained. I don’t even know if she knew what was truly going on because she never spoke about it. And knew. That’s courageous., Doctors said because of where the tumor was sitting that she would never walk or talk or have mobility on the right side of her body. I couldn’t phantom the thought of someone partially there but not there; the mental capacity of what she was dealing with. Thankfully we went through a very aggressive rehabilitation process. She was a trooper, it stretched her, it was like a seven-week program. She did learn to talk again! And she was able to communicate and have conversations with her daughter. I have some videos of everything where she was with her daughter talking. And those are the memories that we share together. But the courageousness up until the end even when she wasn’t feeling well and I took her to the hospital. I did not know that would be the last time she would not come home. I thought she was just going to have some fluid drained, maybe there were some areas that maybe needed medicine.

I’ll never forget, on May 16, 2009, I had slept at the hospital (Zoey was home with her grandparents, at the time she was only sixteen months old) and I said why don’t you bring her (Zoey) to the hospital? I never thought that it would be the last time that she (Cory) would have with her daughter. She (Cory) was happy, very excited to see her daughter. She gave her a kiss. My daughter was going out to have her lunch, so I stayed back for a second, and my wife fell asleep. And I take comfort and that’s why I’m able to speak openly about it today was that the last image my wife saw wasn’t me, it wasn’t any stranger. It was her daughter and I think that’s when she knew her life was complete, and I think that’s when she had given it all-back to what you had said. That is where her chapter came to an end.”

31:10 Nadia: “That’s so hard. Thank you for sharing that.”

~Commercial Break~

31:47 Nadia: “I remember what it was like in that postpartum period, (I have two kids) and two months I mean your world is still upside down. You’re not sleeping, there’s a lot of diapers, and everything’s different, your body is different… so when she first started showing like symptoms you didn’t know what was going on, right?”

AJ: “No, I mean it happened so quickly. I remember (of course I remember all the dates and the times) but it was March 7th, 2008. It was a Friday night; I came home from work, and we were hanging letters of Zoey’s name in her bedroom, and she (Cory) was having difficulty speaking all of a sudden. I thought she was just dehydrated; you know as a new mom. She’s not getting enough sleep you know you’re nursing, attending to the baby all the things that mom like to do. And I was like well, I don’t know, why don’t we go to the hospital? I took her downstairs, I had her write something because the way she was speaking was like I couldn’t make sense of anything and what I told her to write and what she wrote were completely different things. Again, we rushed to the hospital back to the hospital where Zoey was born and I’m thinking well, they have her blood tests from two months ago they can compare.”

Nadia: “We were just here!”

AJ: “Yeah, and when the doctor we need to do a CAT scan I was like okay maybe she’s malnourished, maybe she’s this and you know when the test results came back, and they gave us the grim news I was like really? Where did this come from? We had no warning. I never thought in a million years. An everything happens for a reason, right? it’s always bigger or the book would have not been written. Zoey wouldn’t be who she is today. Cory’s legacy would not be what it is today. There are certain things while we miss and have voids in our lives there is always something of a reason. For those who are very spiritual like myself as I became over the years, is that I do belive that God would not put us in a position that we cannot handle. Everything is a test. If you pass the test, you move to the next level and things may get a little easier before your next challenge. But if you don’t pass the test, you stay in that same situtation or you stay in those same struggles until you pass that test. And that’s how I’ve come to that conclusion is how we got here today. Every setback that we’ve gone through I’m like okay, there’s some test that is involved. I need to figure out where to go, what to do and how to do it and once I pass it, you know I’m not saying our lives are like the Matrix or anything like that for those that believe in the spirituality of things it requires us to take a step back and breathe before we move forward.”

Nadia: “We are consistently reminded that we are stronger than we need to be. Feeling completely buried under the pains and the uncertainties of life to feeling so strong and being a beacon of light for others. And I think everybody has those highs and those lows. You wrote about many of them in your book and I just honor your openness to share that. Especially after hearing how long it took you to be open. So, was it right away that she went in for surgery or was there a period of time in between there?”

36:23 AJ: “It was quick. On March 7th, it was a Friday night, she was in surgery that Monday morning. The 10th of March. Could we have gone for a second opinion? Could we have consulted with and say well do we need to do surgery today? At the time, we were living in Scottsdale and Phoenix, Arizona. Her family was in Chicago. Could we maybe have come up to Chicago and done the surgery here? There are a lot of things, but at the time we relied on medical science and what the doctors were telling us. They told us it needed to be done immediately and the prep work began. I just, looking back and thinking all those scenarios. I mean I’m trying to juggle Cory, Zoey’s two months old and trying to figure out where she was going to go because that’s not a place for a newborn.”

Nadia: “Yeah.”

AJ: “We also had a dog, so it was like where is the dog going to go, right? And here I have my job, I have other things, and everything just came to a complete stop. I don’t know to this day how I got through that period of time. Some of it was blacked out, some of it I do have very vivid memories on. This is how we grow.”

Nadia: “You just have to put one foot in front of the other, right?”

AJ: “You have too. The saddest thing in life is when we look back with regret something we didn’t do, something we didn’t say. We didn’t try. We don’t realize how short our lives can be, and I don’t have to tell any of the listeners that either, right? They are all in tune. That’s why I believe you have to take advantage of what opportunities are given to you. We’re so quick to say no to everything, but if we say yes, we have the opportunity to experience something. If somebody were to say to us in our household, “Hey, it’s 8’oclock on a school night, let’s go get some ice cream!” I’m like yeah let’s do that, right and then all of a sudden, I’m putting Zoey down for bed at 9:30p.m. and she’s so full of a sugar high that I can’t get her to bed because she’s jumping off the bed and the walls, but these are great things, right?”

Nadia: “Yeah”

AJ: “You never know what is going to happen. I have a friend of mine who went to a funeral. Didn’t even want to go to a funeral. It was a sad occasion and he told me the story about how he met somebody at the funeral who was also grieving and they just got into conversation and what it led to was a job opportunity later on. And had he not gone because he didn’t’ want to or because the pain was so great, but he forced himself to go he might not have the lifestyle and the career he has today all because he took advantage of something even though we don’t want to. There is always something bigger. I try to teach people don’t be so quick to say no.”

Nadia: “Try to say yes.”

AJ: “It’s 10 o’clock at night and somebody wants to go to a bar and just chat about their day somebody might be there who knows maybe a celebrity or something and you get a part in a movie, right?”

Nadia: “That’s life. Say yes to life and you never know what’s going to happen, right?”

AJ: “I believe that, and it took me a long time as well. That was the beauty of writing this book. It really opened my eyes to new things where maybe I would have been closed-off, timid. Today, I’m still growing.”

Nadia: “But you’re reaching people and you’re reaching their heart, and your heart is open. So, it’s reciprocated, right? So, you’re probably also receiving in a way that you weren’t available to receive from before.”

AJ: “That’s true. Absolutely.”

Nadia: “There’s a quote in your book that really touched me. It says, “The night before the surgery it was quiet, just Cory and me. We talked, we laughed, and we cried. I quickly assembled a photo album of Zoey’s first two months to share, something I thought would brighten spirits. By then, it had been 48 hours since Cory’s slurring episode. She hadn’t had any since. It was the last night Cory and I were together as Cory and AJ.”

Nadia.” Is that because after the surgery, she had those changes from…?… yeah..”

AJ: “It was the last time we were just Cory and AJ as we were husband and wife when we fell in love because when the tumor sat on her frontal lobe it altered her speech, it altered her mood swings, it altered her personality. Things that she would laugh about or joke about, there was an absence that followed.”

Nadia: “Mhm.”

AJ: “I believe at that time it was the last time we were Cory and AJ.”

Nadia: “That’s tough. You’ve been through a lot. And Zoey wouldn’t even remember her mother except for what you’ve taught her. So it must just be like a different experience for her because for her it’s like stories and it’s like where she comes from but she didn’t experience the loss, right? She probably experiences the loss when there are things she would like to share with her mom, right? But it’s so different for you. To hear you talk about the decisions you had to make along the way. I mean those are impossible decisions! So of course we are going off of what the professionals are recommending. I do want to believe everything happens for a reason and I do absolutely believe that there is something to learn from every experience and sometimes the more difficult, the more painful, the more we are broken open and it brings us into the truth of who we are and it reminds us that we are eternal beings that we are spiritual in nature having a human experience and this is actually the part that’s temporary. But while we are here, it is so important that we connect with one another. There are so many oh I don’t know maybe 8 billion people on the planet now maybe more we’re growing pretty fast ! It’s so easy to feel disconnected and I think our most personal stories are our most universal ones. So, um yeah, I feel you.”

AJ: “And it is. Being a single parent, I’ve learned to have so much more respect for moms, and the hard work that they go through each and every day. Trying to balance work-home life and trying to do all the great things that moms do. And I could never replicate that for Zoey. I think some areas in terms of empathy I try to do the mom-daughter type things like taking the daughter to go do their nails. But for us, it was like I’m going to- you’re going to sit in the chair and I’m going to sit in the waiting room and deal with all the fumes. For her, it was great she was getting her nails done and getting all this other stuff and unfortunately it wasn’t the same connection that she would have. Usually, it’s the mom sitting next to the daughter, or the daughter is sitting on her lap. There’s a lot of intermittent feelings and experiences that go into that type of activity. Taking her to birthday parties and just listening to some of the mom gossips… I would just come out of those with headaches.”

Nadia: Laughing

45:13 AJ: “Appalled at some of the personal things that were disclosed and I’m trying not the listen but at the same time the parent waiting area especially when the kids are young there’s not a whole lot of space and I knew who didn’t like who and which kid had issues with this kid and which person’s having an affair and this is not something for dads, right? There were times where we did feel like we were excluded from the communities, right? It wasn’t the same as moms and daughters getting together and doing things if Zoey was invited, she’d have to come with dad and sometimes the male/female dynamic might change things and just look awkward. Zoey knew early on that her home life was different than some of her peers. She did miss out on certain playdates and activities because of that. We were blessed in preschool there was a group of moms that befriended us and understood, and they sort of helped take Zoey under their wings a little bit and helped do their best to include. But you know we had some heartaches when we enrolled her into different programs with the preschool and 1st grade and even into middle school and high school. I’d always tell them, she’s (Zoey) very sensitive about the loss of her mother. So in a sense of like when you create a project for Mother’s Day, that’s always like the worst. I remember early on when we were in preschool that said Zoey exhibited hostile behavior and I said “Okay?” and they said, “You’re going to have to come and pick her up.” So, I said okay, and went to pick her up and when I get there, I wanted to know like what the facts are and what happened. So, they explained they were making things for Mother’s Day and Zoey sat there and the teacher said, “Zoey, why aren’t you making anything for your mom?” And Zoey shot back angrily, “My mom’s dead. Now what do you want me to do?” And because of the policy with exhibiting hostile behavior the parent has to come. I spoke to the administrative team and said, “Look, it’s written in the application. It’s written on her profile. We’re asking teachers to understand are who the kids are. We’ve been with them for the whole year!”

Nadia: “Yeah.They should know!”

AJ: “You would think. It was a challenge. We would get into that. And I’ll never forget when I was enrolling her into grade school into kindergarten and the application for enrollment as a parent, are you single, are you married, are you divorced?”

Nadia: “That was it.”

AJ: “And that was it and I didn’t know what to check. Of course, this was online at the time, and I couldn’t move forward so I had to call the office and I’m like “I don’t know what to pick!” and they said to just say I was either you know single or divorced and I’m like no, no no that’s not how it is. I’m a widower, right? There is a different thought process involved and how I can complete the paperwork with the sensitivity being the child through this. It’s been a lot of a growing experience through this, but she and I have a lot of great times together, we laugh, we do things, but I’ve done my best. I’m not perfect. Through my time as a single dad, I’ve learned, and I have a tremendous amount of respect for moms out there. It is not easy work and I applaud them for all their accomplishments so thank you, moms.”

49:29 Nadia: “And thank you, dads. I think both parents are so important. No matter the dymanic of your family you know families take on so many different forms. You know having two people raising a child they both bring something diffreent to thte equation. Like you said having a hearing impairment made you feel different and having hearing aids made you feel when you were in preschool was like wait, nobody else is wearing these so I think when we’re going through that how do I compare to my peers which happens through childhood and early adolescence anything that sets you apart is an opportunity for growth but it can be such a source of pain and confusion and conflict and its like how come I’m not like everyone else and it can be the biggest or the littlest thing. Of course, your daughter is going to face things and you face things. Some things are bigger for some people that for other people but honestly you brought a level of understanding and compassion and flexibility to her life to help guide her through that. Think about the strengths she is building in her life by knowing herself and by knowing how to speak up for herself even when the teachers aren’t too happy about it. Maybe the delivery could use some work, but she’s got that fire in her and I’m sure you are really proud.”

AJ: “I am proud.”

Nadia: “Having been through all these years of navigating because really two months old and then a year later or twelve months or fourteen months or whoever long later was so quick right? (After your daughter’s birth) Now you’re on your own to raise this child. You’ve experienced grief in one of the worst ways I think, it’s our partner and our life partner and we kind of have everything in front of us. What advice can you offer, or would you offer to someone who is going through grief right now? Particularly after losing a spouse but I think it translates to a lot of loss.

51:48 AJ: “There’s no blueprint. The best advice I can give to those is to understand where you are. I like to use the why and where principle. A lot of people like to equate why and how, but when we’re in the why principle aspect we are asking ourselves, “Why did this happen?” “Why me?” “Why this person?” “Why did this have to be like this, I dont understand.” Where the “where principle” which ties in with the Keep Those Feet Moving action, is about where are you going. “Where are you going? “Where am I going to get the help that I need?” “Where am I going to go to get my source of strength?” And the longer that we stay fixated on the why, the longer the grieving process can go. And there is a misconception that people believe that if you only grieve for a short period of time, you might not have loved that person.”

Nadia: “Oh no (Sighs with understanding.)”

AJ: “Grief isn’t measured in time, it’s measured in how legacy is carried on and the sooner you can get to that “where aspect”, the sooner you are getting places. Your loved ones are always going to be with you. They are always going to be with you spiritually, be in your hearts. It’s okay to mourn, it’s okay to miss them, it’s okay to greive, but you can’t take that entire grief and turn it into a lifetime. As a parent, when you have children you need to stay strong. You can break down in your private moments, that is okay. But with your children you want to be that source of strength because they are guiding you. Other people, family members, friends who may be in grief as well, they are looking to you to lead because you’re the closest contact to your loved one. The stronger that you are, you are carrying them through. It’s not to say that you don’t miss that individual, that you don’t miss. It’s how you carry yourself and when you look back years later, you’re going to look back with appreciation just how far you’ve come but you’ll be healthier. You’ll be spiritually connected with your loved one because you understand. You’re still living you life and you’re still living your life together. I go on vacation, I still think Cory is with me. I still talk to her frequently sometimes scratching my head because I can’t hear her or see her. I’m looking for signs. The key is when you are in grief, it is okay to eventually you will start to move forward, you’ll start to grow. There are other things out there that you will start to cherish. You’ll never stop loving that person.”

Nadia: “You’ve got to live while you’re here because they say life is short. Where to go, right? So if you have that love for that person but you are not able to demonstrate it then you’re not able to communicate it, you’re not able to do things for them. Did you have a chance to channel through that love? Was it for your daughter?”

AJ: “Everything was through my daughter. She was my source of strength to get through some of the tough time. Understanding that I had to be a role model for her. If she wasn’t with me; let’s just say she was never born it would be a greater road toward recovery because I have something to live for. I have to live for her, and I have to live for Cory’s legacy. Whether she agrees with me or not is another story.

Nadia: “She’s sixteen. She’s never going to agree with you, give it a few years.” (jokingly laughs)

AJ: “I don’t think she has grasped the enormity of what this book has done. She has not read the book. She knows it’s there, and she knows it’s about her. But she’s not ready, and I’m not going to force her. You know at some point in her life she’ll understand my dad jokes.”

Nadia: (Laughs) “Well, you know when we get to our twenties, I think so the teenage years feel like we want to move forward and in our own way and not necessarily do what our parents say or what our parents did. I feel like at a certain point, we turn around and go like hey my family is so important to me, and we start to make sense of what they do for us. I’m sure there will come a day where she appreciates what you have done for her. She understands the journey that you opened yourself to put pen to paper for this. She will benefit from having this from her dad. Fathers and daughters have a very special bond. Now you did eventually remarry so how did that impact the family dynamic?

AJ: “I did.” A blended the family is not the same as a traditional family because you have different siblings and you have a different biological step so there is a lot of growing pains from there. I decided to get remarried again thinking about my daughter. She came to me one day and said, “Dad, I need a mom. I need somebody who can help me through some of these things.” And she got a little bit more granular with telling me that I have no idea what I’m doing as a dad with some things that little girls need. But it got me thinking, this is not about just me. I never thought that I would remarry, it’s also about her (Zoey). And my current wife, Tracy, I’ve known her my entire life. We’ve confided with each other as single parents to help each other during times in need. We formed a barrier of trust between us. I would lean on her for support and vice versa. Zoey grew very attached to her early on and started thinking, yeah it would be cool to do all the things that we’ve been thinking and can’t do with dad. She could get her nails done or curl her hair. Her favorite is to do a French braid and I still can’t do a French braid today.”

Nadia: “Those are tough.” (Chuckling in agreement)

AJ: “She can do that, right? It got to a point, moving things forward and it was not easy to get there. It took me a long time to date. I felt…. Cory and I never talked about the unknown. We never talked about the what-if and the if something were to happen to us because we were young. We were only 31 and 32 years old at the time, and understanding that like is it okay if I move on after you pass and date? I felt such tremendous guilt. I felt like I was cheating. I felt like I never got that blessing. It was incredibly difficult and I had to go talk to somebody as a professional to work through that. It took many years for me to say its okay. So yes, I’ve today I’ve gotten remarried, still figuring things out. There are still challenges we have with stepchildren, different philosophy with how we raise our children and sometimes unfortunately our household is still siloed where Tracy’s two girls will run to her for everything, and Zoey still runs to me. Still operating …tracks. We make it work. There is a lot of emphasis on communication. One of the areas I really stress and light. If you are dating someone who is a widower there are some different dynamics in play. Having someone to understand that we will always love our loved one and I will always love Cory. Tracy understood that. And it takes a strong individual to recognize that you can love multiple people you can love. And that’s how that trust is formed. When you are divorced, it is a different dynamic a lot of times you might not even want to mention your exes name, you might have some choice words, but you know the marriage dissolved painfully. You know when you have a passing, it’s a different type of pain so having that companion that understands you does make things a lot easier. And I will tell you that I get myself caught when I say something like “Hey, I remember when we went here that one time!” and Tracy will be like “Uhhh, no we didn’t.” and I’ll be like “We did.” and she’ll go, “First wife!” and I’m like uhhooohh.”

Nadia: Whoops! (light chuckle)

AJ: “But it’s part of the humor and again that’s where that trust is really important. So for those that like myself who say I’m never going to get married again…Life happens. Things come through and in my heart of hearts, I know that Cory would have wanted me to move on. I just struggled wihtout that permission base. Zoey, if you talked to her today she would tell you that she struggled with not having her mom around but she is okay to go ahead to head with some of the mood swings. As a dad, I have no idea what some of this stuff means. We do every day work hard on the relationships. It’s not easy especially during a holiday season where you’ve got like different families who are still very close with Cory’s parents. We see them often. We keep the relationship for Zoey to be with them and they struggle too with their loss. So, when the holidays come it’s like I’ve got three different families to figure out where to spend the time and everyone is volleying for the time slot that they want and why does that person get that time slot and you know, why can’t…”

Nadia: Laughing

AJ: “Maybe you guys can split up? Again, there are always challenges, but this is who we are. Someone once asked me would you ever go back and change anything. And I thought long and hard about that. It would be like the butterfly effect-if you change one thing, what would happen in the future?”

Nadia: “Yeah.”

AJ: “And I don’t think we can change. Where we can change is how we perceive things and how we Keep Those Feet Moving.”

Nadia: “Keep Those Feet Moving. In your book you said, ‘I want to be remembered as someone who knows he was blessed for all that he has and not what he has lost, someone who fully appreciates the opportunities given to him over the years knowing that he made the very best of them.’ What are you most grateful for in your life today?”

AJ: “So much. From a career to living life to the fullest. One of the primary reasons I get up is being a role model, helping others overcome their challenges in life and that to me is more exciting, it’s fulfilling. I want to give back, it’s not just about me anymore. It’s about bringing those value-added thoughts and ideas into inspiration. That is what I am most proud of today. Looking back, I’ll look back on my entire life when I can’t give back anymore.”

Nadia: “You are busy living it right now.”

AJ: “That’s when I’ll know my time has passed and I’m very busy looking back at it reasons to smile and say look what I’ve done. A lot of people doubted me my entire life on what I could do, people are surprised. But the people that aren’t surprised, that’s me. I’ve taken on a lot of support with family and friends along the way and sometimes I just get lucky too. I make my own luck.”

Nadia: “Bravo!”

AJ: “I do, and I want to give the best I can to others. So, they can turn around and pass the knowledge on.”

Nadia: “So what’s the best way for people to reach you and get ahold of your book?”

AJ: “Best place is to go to keepthosefeetmoving.com website you can purchase the book directly from the blog. You can also go to Amazon and get the book through there. Search Keep Those Feet Moving by AJ Coleman purchase either the book or the eBook for those that like the digital copy and you can always reach out to me, my email address is on my website. I’m more than happy to correspond and provide any sort of guidance that I can. Thank you for this wonderful opportunity!”

Nadia: “Thank you so much for spending this time with me and for opening your heart and your life to all of us. You are an inspiration and you know you exude such a warmth. This has been a real pleasure for me.”

AJ: “Thank you.”

Nadia: For all of our listeners follow Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life and take care of yourself. Namaste.

Special thanks to Nadia Delacruz, our host of the Podcast Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life, for this episode featuring author AJ Coleman.

To learn more about Nadia Delacruz and the Wayne Dyer Wisdom Community visit: About Nadia Delacruz

For more podcast episodes: Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life podcast (nadiadelacruz.com)

“It changed everything.”

Tricia and Mark met in high school. They dated on and off for a while before Mark took interest in proposing and the two of them got married. As childhood sweethearts, they shared a unique bond and friendship within their marriage, and it didn’t take long before they decided to begin a family. First, they had their son, AJ, who brought them tremendous joy and then they had their daughter, Alyssa, who made their family complete. Adding Mark’s beloved chocolate lab, Doug, over the years the family grew together and shared happy memories of holidays, celebrations and family vacations together often with other close family friends.

In January of 2017, Mark’s mother had fallen ill, and he and Tricia thought it would be best to make the trip from Illinois to California to be with her while she was awaiting the test results. With her mother-in-law on her mind, Tricia prepared the travel plans around the holidays and the kid’s school break. With the help of her sister, Tricia had stayed up late packing and going over everything the night before their departure.

Only a few short months before, Mark’s father had passed away suddenly from a heart attack while in a movie theater. With the sudden passing of his father, Mark was grieved, and the stress had taken a toll on his own health. Fast forward to the week before their trip to see his mother, Mark had been troubled by some chest pains and went to the ER to get checked out. He was prescribed some pain medication and was assured there was nothing wrong. Days passed without any incident, so he decided to focus on the trip at hand. On the night before their departure, Mark told Tricia he was feeling tired and wanted to get to bed early. Later that evening Tricia went to bed herself hoping to get some rest before a busy day. Mark had awoken and turned to her to say “I love you” as he went to use the restroom before coming back to bed. Tricia had told him she loved him as well and the couple went to sleep as they did many nights for many years together.

The next morning was a busy one. Tricia went to get started on the day and noticed that Mark was still tired so she had not found it odd that he slept in a bit longer. Remembering his stressful week at the ER, she knew he needed rest and nothing seemed out of the ordinary at first.  However, when more time had passed, she had an unsettling feeling and realized something was not right.  Tricia immediately went to check on Mark who was unresponsive. Tricia had called for her sister in the other room to dial 9-11 while she administered CPR to Mark who remained asleep unable to wake. Paramedics arrived. Time seemed warped and the first responders were seeming to take minutes that felt like hours with Mark before putting him in the ambulance. Tricia felt as if Mark might have already been gone at that point. As an ambulance took Mark to the hospital, Tricia was unsure what would happen next. Everything felt like a horrible dream and between the shock, surrealness, and disbelief nothing seemed to make sense for Tricia or her sister.

In the blur of the next several hours, family members had been called and started to arrive at the hospital. Tricia quickly called her kids and by the time they arrived, there was a feeling of confusion, overwhelming shock and a total loss for words as everyone tried to piece together what was happening. No one could bring themselves to the tragic reality that Mark, devoted husband and father of two, was gone.

As the years passed, Tricia found herself learning her new normal of becoming a single parent to her teenagers.Through watching her son, AJ, and daughter, Alyssa, complete high school, college, experience relationships and break-ups along with sports and other activities, she found the moments challenging at times without Mark there to see them all. Taking comfort in knowing that he was watching over their family from Heaven, special milestones like graduations and when her daughter bought her first house brought mixed emotions, and Tricia found that having a support system made the hard days more bearable.

Family, friends and neighbors have been the biggest support through her years since Mark died. With three decades of a teaching career under her belt, Tricia has grown to know her school as a second home and her colleagues at work as family. In addition to teaching her students, Tricia also coaches basketball and volunteers in the community at a local food pantry. Throughout the year, she also gives her time to help other grieving families at a nearby funeral home. When she received AJ Coleman’s book as a gift, she thought that his story might be very specific to widowers, however after reading through his journey and completing the 8-Step Guide for Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds, Tricia knows this book is for anyone who has ever experienced loss and would encourage anyone looking for motivation to read this AJ’s heartfelt story full of wisdom, grace and inspiration.

“You definitely have to Keep Those Feet Moving one day at a time.” ~ Tricia B.

Stay tuned for a follow up Interview with Tricia as she kindly shares the most difficult part of being a widow, some of the challenges of being a widow, and what three things widows need.

Important Dates to Remember:

National Widows Day is May 3rd, 2024

International Widows Day is a global awareness day that takes place annually on the 23rd of June. The day was launched by the United Nations in 2010 to raise awareness of the violation of human rights that widows suffer in many countries following the death of their spouses.

Honoring these days can take many forms. From lighting up social media with stories and statistics, to volunteering or donating to organizations that support widows.

The National Widowers’ Organization and Wings for Widows announce a new collaboration

The National Widowers’ Organization and Wings for Widows are collaborating to bring expanded resources to grieving men.

Both organizations, recognizing there are scant resources available to men seeking support, have joined to help grieving men.

The National Widowers’ Organization, formed in 2009, identified men suffering the loss of loved ones were being left without support. In 2018, Wings for Widows was organized as the first and only organization of its kind in the United States to help widowed individuals deal with financial issues. Both 501(c)3 non-profits provide free services through their internet portals to men seeking help.

Learn More Here

In an open Interview with Tricia Baltzersen about widowhood, parenting after loss, and coping with grief at work, we learn how to make the best of cherishing past memories through preserved heirlooms and traditions that keep our loved ones close even when they are no longer with us.  

We recently had the pleasure of sitting down with our friend; Tricia, who has been a widow for almost 8 years after suddenly losing her husband, Mark, from a heart condition. Tricia was kind enough to share her grief journey with us as well as give her unique perspective on AJ Coleman’s new book, Keep Those Feet Moving: an 8-Step Guide to Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds. As many of you know, AJ’s book is about losing his beloved spouse, Cory, to brain cancer in 2008. Tricia felt that this book resonated with her as a widow- particularly in the sense of losing a spouse and becoming a single parent. Tricia had two teenagers to continue to raise after her husband passed and AJ Coleman was learning how to take care of his one-year-old daughter at the time and navigating all the challenges that came up over the years since his wife’s death. A portion of the book details AJ’s personal life during the profound loss of his wife. The book’s added bonus is not limited to AJ’s willingness to share his grief wisdom, but manifests in his positive outlook towards raising his daughter as a single parent. Desiring to create a memorable legacy, AJ inspires others facing the same heartache to cope and to keep those feet moving.

About Tricia: She has worked as an educator for three decades and continues to teach sixth grade. She also coaches basketball and spends her free time gardening, volunteering at the community food pantry, and assisting at a local funeral home. In today’s post, we share a Q/A on widowhood with Tricia Baltzersen, who has given much thought to these questions with the hopes of helping others in similar situations.

10 QUESTIONS EVERY WIDOW THINKS ABOUT

1. How long do I wear my wedding ring?

Tricia: “I don’t know the right answer. I teach how I live and the kids were awesome when I came back. (Referring to her students upon returning to the classroom after her late husband passed) I think I left my wedding ring on for the rest of that school year, and the next year I took it off. I tried wearing it on the right hand for a long time. The students ask some really hard questions. A lot of the time, they’ve experienced a loss during the school year, and we are able to connect and have a safe space knowing that we have gone through that. It seemed like the right time… I’m not much of a jewelry wearer as you can see. My daughter asked not too long ago what I planned on doing with the ring and I assumed I might be giving it to her… She jokes about using the diamonds from it. The big diamond ring in the middle was the diamond from the engagement ring that Mark’s dad gave to his mom. I like the idea of the ring being repurposed for something like that.”

2. What do I do with my partner's ashes?

Tricia: “They are in a small urn in my bedroom. When someone gets cremated, it is a LOT of ashes. My son has some ashes in his keychain. The plan has always been to bury both our ashes together, Mark’s with mine. Not everyone cremates, but it made the most sense for us to choose cremation because I wanted to have Mark close to me.”

3. How do I maintain a relationship with my in-laws?

Tricia: “The way I met Mark when I was 15, Mark was a very good friend of my friend’s brother. I started dating Mark when I was a sophomore in high school. Mark’s mom moved out to CA after his stepdad passed. I would still talk with my sister-in-law, Laura, during that time almost every day. I stayed in contact with Mark’s mom through Laura. Laura moved to CA after college and Gloria (Mark’s mother) went to live with her. Laura and Tricia were friends first before they became in-laws and because Mark has such little family still alive, Tricia claims that she is more family for Laura. Sadly, Gloria passed away. Her health was terrible, and she passed when she was 81 or 82 when she died. She struggled with grief hard in combination with an accident a couple years prior where her health started to decline. Tricia says there was a good relationship with her mother-in-law. The joke used to be that she could have watched me punch him in the face and she would have said “Mark, why did you do that to Tricia?” She was always on my side.”

4. What side of the bed do I sleep on?

Tricia: “The dog took over Mark’s spot and Doug snores just as much as Mark, so to answer the question I sleep on the side I always slept on.”

5. When is it okay to start dating again?

Tricia: “In AJ Coleman’s story, he had a companion to help him overcome the challenges of being a single parent. Whenever the right person comes along maybe…but, I don't feel lonely, I don't feel like I'm missing anything. I think the kids would be okay if I was dating. My daughter jokes that I should not go on Match.com. I know that a couple of years ago a guy that volunteered with me, had asked for my number and was texting me and said how about we go out to dinner? I was so put off, and mad at him for even thinking that I would want to go, my friends were like what is wrong with you, and clearly I was not ready. That was my sign that I am not ready to date because my reaction was so wrong and so off- so misplaced. I don’t feel lonely, I have lots of friends and things to keep me busy. I feel very loved and supported by people and I am so lucky to have all these people who would do anything for me.” One of my favorite quotes is: “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. So for dating, I think when I’m ready to cross that bridge I’ll have to go slowly and take things one step at a time.”

6. When do I go back to work?

Tricia: “Going back to the idea of staying busy. I took 8 days off after Mark passed, and went back to work. My friend Julie, whose husband died of lung cancer, took off the rest of the year. Our gym teacher who lost his wife suddenly, he came back half days almost immediately.  I say that to show that everyone approaches the situation differently and I wouldn’t say there is a right or wrong way to go about taking time off. For me being a teacher, absence equals twice as much work versus just being there. It was better for me to be there. The kids are going to have a million questions and let’s just rip off the band-aid. Life doesn’t stop, I still have commitments… Sometimes, I am not even sure I am done grieving.  I think if you talk to the lady at Starbucks in Algonquin… It was 4:30 in the morning and I couldn’t sleep so I went to Starbucks and by the time I got to the widow, I was sobbing.  I don’t know what the trigger was, I had like 6 steps from there to the widow… I just fell apart. Sometimes I am totally fine and then sometimes there is a trigger and it’s important to know the balance and being able to tell others hey, I am going to need a day or two or however long you need.”

7. What do I do with their belongings?

Tricia: “So I took all of Mark’s t-shirts and the kids t-shirts and for Christmas the following year, I had blankets made. Mark coached a lot of our son’s teams so one quilt had a combination of both the t-shirts. For the clothes, we repurposed a lot of those. For other things like the car, Mark drove an F-250 diesel truck….that was hard to get rid of. Our daughter learned to drive with that car, and it was tough to let that go. For the longest time, Mark used to wear this Casio, digital, clunky watch-the ugliest thing ever and every night it beeps at midnight. No idea how the battery still works, his sunglasses are in my bedroom. I gave them a truck, and they gave us two cars at the dealership. A lot of the stuff we still have. There are a couple of shirts and t-shirts I still have that I still wear for pajamas and stuff like that. The kitchen table that we bought together, our daughter is re-finishing it and using it in her new house. We moved after he died so we got rid of some things.  Mark didn’t die at our house so I think it would be way different if he died in our house as to whether I would have left everything “as-is.” The garage is decorated with a lot of license plates that he collected but as far as his toothbrush and personal hygiene items, we let go of that, but for things that are still useful such as tools I’ve kept for our son and to have in the house.”

8. How do I attend social events without my partner?

Tricia: “Sometimes it is awkward. I feel like the third wheel sometimes. With my college friends, it’s usually just the girls. Do I think I don’t get invited much to things because everyone else has a plus one? Sure. Sometimes I will go with my sister. She has been my go-to person or occasionally my daughter will go with me to certain events. For a while, I did avoid a lot of events because I did not want to be uncomfortable and I had to force myself outside my comfort zone. 99% of the time, the event was totally fine and the fear in my mind was the only thing keeping me from doing those things. Even 8 years later, it is still not easier.”

9. How do I explain my partner’s death to our children?

Tricia: “Our son was supposed to go back to college mid-day, when I called my sister with the news she went to the house and told both our kids that Mark wasn’t waking up and that he was taken to the hospital. Then other people started going to our house. When I got the news that he had died, my sister said to our kids that it looks like your dad is not going to make it, but your mom will tell you when she gets here. I remember standing in the family room and the three of us were just standing in a circle hugging. Once we were together, all of us just understood what happened and then the house just started filling up with people and food.”

10. How do I go on holiday without my partner?

Tricia: “We went the year after Mark died, that summer we went to California, and we went with his mom and sister. That was a good vacation. It was the right place to be with that side of the family. We drove up to Yosemite. Mark used to have this thing where he would make fun of certain words like how they were pronounced. For example, instead of green beans he would say “green bens” and instead of Yosemite he would say YO SEM IN ITE. Even though he wasn’t on the trip, there were a lot of things like seeing words we knew he would have said funny just reminded me of him so much and so the trip was therapeutic in a way. He was definitely part of that vacation. He was always a big vacation person. Every year we always had a big vacation and we would go with Laura and with some friends. After the CA trip, we went to Cabo for a 50th birthday. I do miss vacations because we used to go to Wisconsin all the time, and we don’t do those trips anymore. I have not taken a vacation with just myself and the kids, I don’t know if that would ever happened. Probably because that is not how we ever vacationed. We always went with other people.

Wrap Up: What are your thoughts on AJ Coleman’s Book, Keep Those Feet Moving: A Widower’s 8-Step Guide to Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds?

Tricia: “Overall, I really liked AJ’s book because I completely agree with the entire philosophy of you just have to keep those feet moving. It’s not just a book specific to widowers, but I think anyone who experiences a significant loss will benefit from AJ’s wisdom and find encouragement for the hard days and hope throughout their grief journey.”

At Keep Those Feet Moving, we are grateful for the time and insight given by Tricia as she shares her personal journey with widowhood, grief and raising children as a single parent. Many others have also resonated with AJ’s words and found his story to be raw and full of motivation for anyone who is going through the loss of a spouse. Even for those who may not experience such a loss firsthand, his book hits home on topics that many others consider but may not openly address such as mental health, anxiety, difficulty in the workplace, parenting struggles, cancer and the aftermath, along with healthy ways to cope with grief, rediscovering faith and finding positivity to help get through even the darkest moments.

AJ Coleman’s Book, Keep Those Feet Moving: A Widower’s 8-Step Guide to Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds is available now on Amazon. You can click here to purchase or leave a review if you found his book life changing as well.

To help AJ’s message reach more people, please share this blog and follow us on Instagram @keepthosefeetmoving and Facebook for more inspiring posts, resources and updates. Thank you for reading and as always, remember to Keep Those Feet Moving.

- AJ Coleman

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]]>Wings for Widows: Widowhood Q/A with Tricia BaltzersenAJ ColemanMon, 08 Apr 2024 15:50:22 +0000https://keepthosefeetmoving.com/blog/the-baggage-of-dating-a-widower-or-divorcee-and-how-to-deal-with-it5a96ccccf93fd498b3fe59ac:5c3d078488251bf046683590:65f2a5c8c5dad62ee86a6569Dating isn’t easy. Just when you think you have it all figured out, along comes a new twist. Now imagine trying to date after the love of your life passes away from cancer. It’s been almost 15 years since Cory passed away and this was my situation.

After Cory passed, I swore I’d never date again. I felt that love rests with one individual. I couldn’t comprehend going through the pain of losing another spouse a second time. It’s be much easier to stay a widower. I was a young parent and my sole focus was my daughter. Plenty of people offered to set me up, but I wasn’t interested. I just wanted my life back to how it was previously.

Then along came Tracy. We’ve known each other since we were babies, coming and going within each other’s lives for years. During the quiet moments since Cory’s passing, I confided in her for advice, thoughts, and companionship. When many friends disappeared because of the painful memories my presence invoked, Tracy stayed.

Naturally we began a courtship and I started taking those little steps. The most challenging moments were at the beginning when I was filled with guilt as if I were cheating. Even though I knew Cory wanted me to move on, we never spoke directly about it. I was stuck because I couldn’t accept that it was okay. It was very difficult to let go of that notion. But I continued to take the steps forward.

It took eight years and my perception of getting remarried changed. Part of it was my comfort with Tracy. I sincerely appreciated her patience and understanding of the challenges of dating a widower. The other part is that I learned to embrace the mindset that life has much to offer. I want to be a better person, a better father, a better companion.

When you’re single without children, dating is a simpler ballgame. The focus is on you and the other person because there are fewer scheduling conflicts. Without children, you have more freedom to explore new waters and endless possibilities without any attachments. There’s generally less drama involved.

Dating a divorcee or widow/er is an entirely different ballgame. The fact that a previous marriage ended unfavorably can have a drastic influence on commitments and emotions. Neither of which are idea; starting points to a dating relationship…but anything is possible!

Sometimes those who come from divorced relationships are more easily able to find new relationships quickly. In those cases, the divorce process may have dragged on for awhile and people feel as those time has been lost. As a result, they make up for lost time within the new life again and move forward.

A widow/er has a different perception. While some feel the need to fill the void of their lost loved one immediately, most people tend to take their time and are resistant to dating again. The very thought of it is unsettling and upsetting. They experience the same emotions of guilt that I did. And when the prospect of dating reveals itself down the road one day, we react slow as molasses and could take years to materialize. Such is my life.

Dating isn’t easy. Perhaps in the end, there aren’t any secrets and labels are meaningless. What’s most important is that you continue to go about your life exploring.

The future is unknown and we can’t undo the past, so keep those feet moving.

If you liked this post, please leave a comment below and share with your friends. We’re trying to reach and support as many as possible and need your help to get the message out there. Thank you for reading.

-AJ

There are many perceptions, often groundless, about what life’s like after the loss of your spouse. Today I want to talk about some honest truths I’ve realized, which I hope resonate with others in my shoes. I believe these truths also apply to those who have lost a close family member or friend.

1. We are never truly alone. Our spouses may have physically left us, but they are angels that are still among us. You may not always see them, but you can feel them. They guide us through, allow us to gain strength, and watch over us. Throughout our dreams each night, theses angels send little messages to decipher. Sometimes the messages may not be clear or perhaps seem meaningless, but there is communication with the other side.

2. We don’t pretend to have all the answers. It’s not easy to explain the sequence of events that led to tragedy, nor do we always understand why. Sometimes not knowing answers brings us as much comfort as some things are better off unknown.

3. Depression can be real and serious. There’s a physical void in our lives. Whether we spent years caring for a sick spouse or whether it was sudden, the initial shock of the physical void can easily spiral into a depressive state. Let us cry, let us mourn. We will be okay. Sometimes we just need a good cry and some time alone.

4. We are smarter and stronger than we look. Just because we dress a little down or happen to be in unmatched clothes, doesn’t mean we’re falling apart. It’s just our way of finding familiar comfort within.

5. While we appreciate support by checking in, please don’t start off by asking if we’re okay. No, we are not. But it doesn’t mean we have to talk about it all the time. Instead, let’s do something fun, get out of the house, get some fresh air. Talking about it brings back memories. While the memories are special, right now, we need activities that keep our heads clear.

6. We didn’t just become rich. If we’re lucky, financial planning may help offset expenses associated with medical needs and funeral costs. Anything left over may go towards other expenses to make up for the loss of income. The thought of inheriting a financial windfall generally applies to the movies. It’s not reality. If anything, we incur more expenses after all is said and done.

7. We never stop loving our spouse. There are some that quickly find new relationships, while others may struggle. We all have our own way of mourning and moving on. Please don’t judge on the timing aspects of dating. When the moment is right, we’ll take a step forward. In some instances, we may prefer to be alone and that is okay too.

8. We live through our children. The children are our legacies. As we continue to age, the stories shared and passed down are for the children and perhaps grandchildren to all remember us by. Children bring enjoyment, excitement, and a little chaos too. These extra moments keep us alive and laughing.

9. Memories do fade over time. Much of the memories are associated with physical aspects. When it’s gone, little by little, the specific details fade until eventually we’ll be left with just stilled images.

10. Life does go on and so do we. Over time, we learn to cope, stretch our wings. and fly again. And when we look back, we smile knowing how far we’ve come. No one said it would be easy. There are challenging days and good days. What’s most important is how we’ve grown from the experiences.

I know I haven’t covered everything here, so I invite you to share your own feelings and insights in the comments. And please share this blog with others who might benefit. Who knows, our message may just find someone who really needs out support right now.

For our loved ones, keep those feet moving.

- AJ

Welcome to the Strong, single and human podcast. a real look at single parenting, how to navigate the ups and downs of life on your own while keeping sane. We cover all manner of subjects, from domestic violence, dealing with childhood trauma, through to fussy eaters and how to get your kids to become resilient. I’m your host, Claire Martin. Welcome.

AJ Coleman is the author of Keep those Feet Moving- A Widower’s 8-step Guide to Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds. Throughout AJ’s life, he has had to overcome tremendous challenges. Firstly as a child, AJ was frequently bullied for his hearing impediment, but instead of letting social challenges define him, AJ strived to overcome them. Then, in 2009, AJ faced the most painful challenge of all-losing his wife, Cory, to brain cancer when their daughter was just one-year old. AJ started the Keep Those Feet Moving Blog in 2013 to share his advice, experiences. and philosophical wisdom with the world. He was inspired to write his book by the encouragement of close friends and family members who were all astonished by how AJ was able to stay strong after losing Cory. Today, AJ lives in the suburb of Chicago. He is remarried with a blended family and focuses his time on raising his family and helping others overcome challenges. AJ’s story is truly an inspiration for all of us to just keep those feet moving no matter how difficult it may seem at the time. This is the Strong, Single and Human podcast.

Claire Martin: “Hi! Welcome, AJ Coleman! I’ll give you a full title, AJ Coleman, welcome to the podcast!”

AJ: “Thank you for having me. I am excited to be here.”

Claire: “Yes! Thank you for coming on board. It’s been a little while since we spoke last, and so look.. I’ve given a brief synopsis about who you are and such, but tell us about you and your journey and how you came to write Keep Those Feet Moving.”

AJ: “I never thought that I would ever write a book. If you were to ask me years ago about writing, I probably would have thought that it was the most foreign thing you can think about, but sometimes life has unexpected turns and leads you to new journeys. When I had lost my wife due to brain cancer back in 2009, I started thinking about how can I cope? How can I grieve? How can I overcome my own challenges? I’m thinking about my daughter who at that time was young and who really has no memory of her mother from physical standpoint.”

Claire: “How old was your daughter?”

AJ:”She was sixteen months old when her mother passed.”

Claire: “Wow. Sixteen Months.”

AJ:”Yeah, so I tried to think a little bit different. I started writing the book a little bit as a memoir for her, my thoughts and kind of gather what her mother was like. Little by little, things started to come together, and it was a therapeutic process for me really opening up. Because I’m not somebody who really opens up and shares my feelings especially with people I don’t know, but the book was really important not only for my daughter to see but it enabled others who have gone through similar grief to really understand that they’re not alone. I feel you with the book.”

Claire: “For a person who doesn’t open up and express himself to other people and is private, right? You put it out there in your book. You really put it out there in the book. So um, did you write every day? Did you like..Is that what you did? You sat down and your daughter would go to bed and you would write? How did you do this?”

AJ: “It was interesting. So, I wrote a very rough draft. It was actually thirteen chapters. My lucky number, thirteen.”

Claire: ”Wow.” I’m not sure I… I’m very suspicious.. sus- I’m not suspicious, but like I’m yeah I don’t have any thirteens in my world at all. I’m...what’s the word I’m looking for? It’s too early in the morning for me… umm. Eh... I can’t remember the word. What is it? What’s the word? Where you don’t have… where you can’t have…where you don’t like number thirteen in your world?”

AJ: “Ohh, uhmm.. “

Claire: “Superstitious! I’m superstitious. I’m superstitious.”

AJ: “Yep!”

Claire: “So I’m superstitious, so yep, I don’t do thirteen. Wow, good job for you there.”

AJ: “I’m the opposite. I’m the opposite.”

Claire: ”Oh, really?”

AJ:”I was born on a thirteenth. I turned twenty-one on Friday the thirteenth, turned sixteen on Friday the thirteenth… so uh, thirteen’s a lucky number for me.”

Claire: ”Oh wow, it is. Okay, fair enough.”

AJ: “Yeah, yeah. Uh so what happened with the book was very raw just airing out my thoughts, airing out my feelings, and I really didn’t know what to expect. I started shopping around to different editors and two of them politely declined. It just wasn’t them. They thought it was almost too raw. And then I joined up with an editor’s company like Book Launchers, and they really saw potential. They interviewed me, gathered my thoughts and assigned a writing coach to me. What helped me kind of find a voice in the system. And I had a really strong mentor, and he challenged me to pretty much re-vamp what I had written from a raw material and go deeper. Even though I didn’t want to go deeper, he pushed me to go deeper. The first chapter was tough, the second chapter was a little bit easier, but the entire book I would say from the raw part to the final part was written in like two months.”

Claire: “Wow!”

AJ: “Every night, every night I wrote, I worked together and sent it off to my editor. He reviewed it and gave me feedback and the next chapter with the information. Just to get going, writing a book is costly too, right? Sometimes people take hours and days just to write simple chapters.”

Claire: “Well here’s the thing, right? Writing a book is like a podcast, right? Everyone thinks it’s easy and then you start doing it, and somebody said to me “writing the book is the easy part, sending it and getting it edited is the hard part, right?” Editing a book can take eighteen months, right?”

AJ: “Yes.”

Claire: “And that’s the hard part, cause you’ve written it, and you think “I’m done. That’s all good here.” and then it’s backwards and forwards and backwards and forwards editing it, changing stuff. So, yeah. Hats off to you! They say everyone’s got a book in them, but um I haven’t found mine yet. I prefer to be talking. So looking ahead, how did you deal with the grief then? Well, writing is one of them, but they say there’s seven stages of grief. Is that what you experienced?”

AJ:" “I’m not really sure if I experienced every stage you know? A lot of it was on my own trying to find my way, trying to understand. I’ve spent my entire life I guess preparing for grief. Going up ahead with some of my childhood with my disability all the way up to trying to overcome different challenges and it just put me in a position and I only knew one way to go and that was full speed ahead. When my wife passed away, I knew I had to be strong for our daughter. I knew that in my private moments, I can break down but to everyone else in the outside world I had to remain strong as people were looking to me to lead sort of them through and they feed off my emotion. They feed off my energy, so if I’m poised, if I’m calm, I think it just helps people going through that grieving process and I know that if I was hysterical or crying that others would engage or mimic almost like they are watching. But I did not have any support I would say to walk me through those grief stages. I just learned it on my own, went at my own pace and at the end its really just an opportunity for me to help others not follow the same footsteps. Sometimes I might have been in a different place if I had gone through some counseling understanding. But when you’re a single parent and everyone is expecting you to fail.”

Claire: “When do you get the time? When do you get the time as well, right?” This is the thing. So, you didn’t have any family around you and such?”

AJ: “I did have some family living with me. I was very close with my aunt and uncle who provided me with some guidance. My parents provided some support as well. My wife’s family did as well. But in terms of having someone to really sit down with an air out my feelings and my thoughts, it wasn’t like that at all. It was just again, just trying to show that I can handle being a single dad, having a full-time career but also with grieving everything at once. Again it goes back to my childhood past. I’ve always felt that I had to overcome any obstacle. Having great support can only get you so far. A lot of it is you have to find the will within yourself to push you to overcome. To push you to that next step. That’s not easy. It’s not for everybody, but you have to find that inspiration, that motivation from somewhere.”

Claire: “So how did you though? What was that like? How did you do that, how did you find it? Because like I can imagine there must be times where it would hit you at different times, right… so you would be somewhere where everything would be normal but they’re be a memory or something that would hit you. And then how do you not break down? How do you not go crazy for one of a better word?”

AJ: “That’s a fair question. I think a lot of it actually stems from my past or my childhood. It’s just.. growing up was tough. I was always trying to be one step ahead of everybody else and through the disability I had with my hearing impairment that it’s almost like people expected me to fail. People expected me to struggle, and I was always trying to prove to them that I’m not going to fail. I’m not going to struggle. And the saying translated to grief, the same mentality that prepared me and I knew again when you’re on that stage, people are looking.”

Claire: “Yeah”

AJ: “I will say in that private moment very early on I would have some breakdowns, come home and be like “oh my gosh, what happened.” but then I would think about my daughter, staying strong for her. Enjoying my moments with her and showing her that what she has lost, we can still gain to some capacity. And she is really my inspiration to move me through some of those really challenging times when I had no one to talk to.”

Claire: “Well, this is the thing like and this next question is going to sound really crazy, right? What’s the hardest part? I mean I know the hardest part was probably losing your wife, right? But, after you lost her what was the hardest part, the hardest thing for you to deal with?”

AJ: “I think its.. the hardest part was more managing other people’s reactions when they found out like “oh you’re a single dad raising a young girl? How does that happen? How do you overcome issues like going to the men’s restroom or going to a changing station that doesn’t exist, talking to different people who had playdates with children where they play together. Having to be a presence there was always a challenge cause it’s not like the “mom and mom interaction”, it’s a “dad and a mom interaction” certain things like that. I think just managing the expectations and sort of the culture shock. I was only 33 years old at the time. What did I know about being a dad? But here I am trying to navigate through the channels of that. It was interesting. I learned a lot. I learned to really appreciate what moms go through on a daily basis and understand that they are truly superheroes at what they go through. I’m trying to balance both but as you know when you try to do both you don’t really get anywhere.”

Claire: “No, you’re right. But also, you’re a man dealing with grief who has a sixteen-month old daughter who also has to work, right? And you’re working in environment that is basically not geared up for men to be looking after children 100% of the time. Like, for me being a single mom (I don’t know if it’s expected) but being a mom, if your child’s ill, if your child’s sick… I can go “I don’t feel as though I can’t say to my workplace and say my child is ill, I need to go, or something came up at school,” I don’t feel guilt. I don’t get looked at in a particular way where people go like “Oh, what are you doing? You’re supposed to be doing your job.” I can imagine for you that must have been pretty tough. You were 33 as well, so all that career building…everything.”

(15:58) AJ: “It was a challenge.” I actually had come back to work looking to escape and really change my mindset, and kind of focus on something that I can accomplish instead of taking the time off to really grieve and to always be thinking about it. Actually, I was laid off not too long after due to some of the changes here in the U.S. with the economy (the recession). That was a challenge-finding work on top of that and trying to have the storyline of “I’m a single dad when I leave.” In the United States it’s really a challenge as a single parent because you’re expected to work x amount of hours and you’re trying to push your career, you’re trying to maintain balance with your children. But lot of times there are a lot of people who just aren’t supportive of those single families or even parents who are together and you have a child who needs attention, you have one parent who can go and be with them. It’s really different. You make it work. You find things. I’ve learned that I have some really good people that I worked with that understood, and there were some other people who didn’t understand, but I knew it wasn’t my job to try and convince them to understand. Either they got it or they don’t.”

Claire: “Yeah”

AJ: ”It’s sort of a mentality I had to take and shrug. My daughter’s the most important person for me and whatever she needed I was there. And if there were times I couldn’t be there because of something I had someone that I could call, and somebody attend that.”

Claire: “Yeah, I know. Because that is so important to actually have that. At least to have a little network or a little village to help support you. One of the biggest things I find is that I feel guilty calling on other people to help you out. I don’t know if you went through that, but it’s almost like “ugh, I don’t want to ask this person again to do x,y, and z, but when you’ve got no one that’s what you have to do, isn’t it?”

(18:30) AJ: “It is hard to ask for help. Because again people look at you or someone will say “I told you that person couldn’t do it on their own. They need more support. They knew that they couldn’t do something.” I think there is a part of us that carries ourselves very highly. We feel like we’re superheroes, we can do everything. And then when we do ask it’s not because we’re weak or were frustrated. It’s just a conflict. We can’t be in two places at once. I think there is this perception we have as single parents where it’s like “oh, you need help, that means you can’t do it on your own.” Sometimes people take that same perception and carry it into the workforce environment and say well, If this person can’t handle their child, or they need help here, can they do the work there? It’s just unfortunate stereotyping, I think.”

Claire: “Yeah.”

AJ: “Asking for help is always… you don’t to want to be perceived as that perception based, but I think people are always going to put that label on you, that’s why it’s so difficult as a parent. And that’s why single parents they rely on each other for that support.”

Claire: “Yes. Well also we understand (other single parents understand) how bloody hard it is, (Laughs) and how challenging it is. You’re not only navigating your child(ren), right? But you’re also navigating (I mean “you” you’re not in your case), you’re navigating other people or ex- partners or whatever and dealing with that. Yeah, that’s full-on, full-on. Was there anything that surprised you about all of this?”

AJ: “I think one of the surprises was more so looking back as to how I was able to navigate through a lot of the uncertainty. Really looking at that accomplishment as my own personal achievement. There are nights where you just struggle to get through mentally because of the void. Because maybe the child or you’re missing what things could be like. There are other aspects where we’d go out and have fun, we’d take vacations, and we do things. That’s called living life. A lot of times we talk about growing up and we grow up pretty darn quickly in these situations when you come with grief with small children. Even with just regular children who may be at the adult age, you still looking to lead. I think the bigger surprise for me was looking back at how far I’ve come, and you know it’s funny when you write a book you have a dedication. You sort of dedicate the book to somebody of importance and as you get more I guess readers or more of a following that’s when people get creative with some of their dedications. I was once told in my workplace that I was a terrible, I didn’t know how to write. I thought about dedicating my book to the person in a derogatory sense who said I couldn’t write, and I chose not to because I was thinking about my daughter. But when you look back at the accomplishments like “hey, during this process I wrote a book. During this process, I was able to navigate my career into a different aspect. I was able to get my daughter who is now fifteen years old getting ready to drive, and all these things I look back and I’m just proud of these accomplishments. I know a lot of people who are sitting in my position are also, but they don’t take the time to celebrate those small wins or take the time to look back. That’s where I think the biggest surprises are. We got here. We got here somehow.”

(22:42) Claire: “That’s right, we got here somehow. You get on with it. When you’re in the moment, it’s bloody hard. Then you look back on it and you go “wow.” Cause I look back over the last six years and I go “Okay, it’s been really tough.” And when I recount some of the things I’ve done and been through, right? And you go like “Wow, I forgot about that.” I forgot that was like so bloody hard, it was so like a fearful situation to be in.” Yeah, we sort of got through it. My son’s fine, he’s doing well at school and doing all the things as a parent you would want. And as a single parent, when I started on the single parent journey…I don’t know if it was the same as you, but I was like “ugh, single parent kids or kids that come from divorces…they end up in crime, taking drugs, doing it all … My kid’s only seven, and hopefully he won’t go down that avenue, but you never know, right? He’s doing so well, he’s thriving and so you sort of sit there and go “that’s a myth, right?” I don’t know. What did you think?”

AJ: “As parents, I think we’re harder on ourselves than we should be. It’s like when we were younger and we take our child to daycare for a day, we feel so guilty about dropping them off at 7 o’clock in the morning and picking them up at 6 p.m. because of a work schedule or something else. Our children are excited, they are happy to be there. They flourish with the other kids, just chatting away. And as parents, sometimes we’re harder on ourselves with that aspect. They do turn out well, but I also think there is that connectivity that we have as single parents with our children where they have more one-on-one time. Where perhaps where one authoritative person in my situation where you know my wife wasn’t there….”

Claire: “Same as mine.”

AJ: “…We have that closeness today that my daughter and I have. I want my daughter to come and tell me these things …I always say, “just tell me what it is, we’ll figure it out as we go along. You’re not going to get in trouble.” She’s starting to ask some tough questions, but they do turn out well. I really do believe that myth is just based on movies, maybe shows, but we work hard as parents every day to set the example and set the tone. I do think our children mimic the actions that we have. So If we’re strong and poised, the children grow up to be strong and poised. If we break down or we have behavioral concerns as adults, the child may develop that because that’s all they know. I think we have that opportunity from ground-day one to really influence them to change that myth about that.”

Claire: “How did you deal with having a daughter, right?” Like you’re a dad, right? There are a lot of things that mums and daughters do that your daughter wouldn’t have experienced, right? Like nail salons and various different"…” (laughing)

AJ: (Laughing) “It is a challenge.”

Claire: “Yeah, and obviously things like puberty things that girls go through that dads don’t normally have to deal with the icky, period stuff and questions and boys and all of that malarky. How did you deal with it?”

AJ: “One of the things we do in our household is we just go with the flow. My daughter and I just go with it, and that’s something I’ve tried to teach her early on is that we just go with it. We’ll figure things out. When it comes to certain things like the nail salon, right? I can’t replicate the same experience she would have with her mom or something like that. It’s a special bonding that moms and children have where they go to the salon where they sit together. It might be a little awkward. There are people that go to the salon and get their nails done and all that other stuff too.”

Claire: “Machine gun Kelly! Don’t even go there!”

AJ: “Yeah! She’s just like “okay dad.” I drop her off, I sit there in the waiting room dealing with all the fumes that are coming out all areas and kind of cringing. She’s just at a little table getting her nails done and enjoying it, but it’s not the same experience. But as a single dad raising a daughter, you do have that bond but there are some areas where you do get yourself stuck with some of the medical concerns, the things that I wouldn’t necessarily think about as a dad. I got lucky dressing her, because here in the United States for the first couple of years all the outfits matched. So I was able to go shopping with her and at least know that the pants that I picked out a top, there’s a matching top that goes with it.”

Claire: “Oh, I never thought of that!”

(28:22) AJ: “But if you look at all the pictures of her growing up when she was little, you can just see she was always in like polo shirts, very well-dressed. I didn’t know how else to dress her because again, you’re thinking about the perception of others, right? And if I put her in a t-shirt does that mean I’m dressing her down? Putting her in a sundress was important cause you wanted to teach her certain things. There were some challenges like that, right? How do I know what’s proper, how do I know what’s not proper? And trying to teach her to be ladylike in certain aspects, respect and being polite. She’s very talkative, my daughter. She’s always been very talkative.”

Claire: “Oh, my son.” (Agreeing)

AJ: “There were times where I would take her to the men’s room.”

Claire: “I know! Because at the end of the day, right like my son comes into the ladies’ with me. Like it’s normal, right? And I will say he’s seven, right? So, at seven, I’m like I’m not sure I’m comfortable with him going into a men’s room on his own, right? And I can’t go in! So, he comes into the ladies, but it’s not an issue, right? Because there’s other women in there with their kids, right? But with you, it must have been like…”hello? what’s this girl doing in here?”

AJ: “Yeah, well with my daughter since she’s so talkative…sometimes she just walks in and says hello to everybody. And you know in the men’s room…

Claire: “Oh, that’s funny.”

AJ: “You’re very focused on doing what you’re doing…”

Claire: “And I’ve never been in one.”

AJ: “That’s like the one unwritten rule. Go in there, do your business and leave.”

Claire: “Yeah, don’t talk.”

AJ: “She’d go in there and be like “Hi everyone! What’s going on?” and like people are like looking at me and I thought I was going to get punched out a couple of times. But then you know, the men’s room is pretty disgusting too, right? I had to put her on the toilet and try to teach her to at least go without touching anything. You know, so these are like little awkward situations that I put myself into. But you do it, right? As a parent, you do things and sometimes you try to make light of it many years later and look back at it. You know, kids ask a lot of funny questions especially in the bathroom and it’s sometimes things you don’t want to hear about or do. Like “Why is that man standing there with his pants around his ankle?” “Well, that’s how he goes.” You know, I can’t help you, and she’s like asking questions and doing other things. Like “why did that man just walk out without washing his hands?” And I’m like “I don’t have an answer.”

(31:27) Claire: “Good daughter, good daughter, calling people out like that. Oh, that’s funny. Yeah, that’s so funny. Well, this is the thing, right? And in a female toilet, right? We’re all in cubicles. We’re not standing there out on display. We’re all in cubicles, so it would be a bit bizarre but yeah, fair enough. Fair enough. We’re there any times you had to be careful because you’re male and she’s female you know daughter-father situations where people might question you about anything?”

AJ: “More so people were just surprised.”

Claire: “Ah, Okay.”

AJ: “Like a single dad, again I did my best to dress her appropriately. I did my best to dress her in clothes that she would enjoy, alright? It’s not like when I look at my baby pictures my parents put me in like a blue shirt with red pants. You know? That was probably… You know, I’m not sure what they were thinking back then, but I did my best not to replicate that same aspect. There are certain times where we got into some challenges especially on the registration for kindergarten. Where it asks you- are you married, are you single, divorced… it had everything, but it didn’t have anything about being a widower or a widow or something like that. So I couldn’t register her because it was done online and there was nothing for me to check!”

Claire: “Wow”

AJ: And when I talked to the front office, I asked what do? They said “Oh, just put down, ‘single'.’ I was like no no, no, you have to make sure it’s appropriate because kids today they understand the stereotyping, they understand the label, and teachers have to understand that not every child comes from the same type of household.”

Claire: “Yeah!”

AJ: “I’ll give you an example: When I was in preschool, my daughter… they were making something for Mother’s Day. Very much of a Hallmark-type holiday, and my daughter didn’t do anything because the words they used were “Let’s make something for your mom!”

Claire: “She doesn’t have one.”

AJ: “She didn’t understand, right!” But if they said, you could make something for your mom, your aunt, your grandma, or something she would have just been good there. But they didn’t do that and when they asked her why she wasn’t making anything for her mom, she remarked “my mom is dead, what do you want me to do now?” And I got the call because she exhibited hostility to the teacher and I had to come pick her up and I said, “You guys need to read the file.” but again, it’s all the checkmarks what is on that registration and that’s what’s really critical as single parents is that they (referring to the school) conform to what type of household we have.”

(34:44) Claire: “Wow! That’s unbelievable. So we’ve got Father’s day coming up soon here in Australia. And basically they have Father’s Day stores at the schools so actually, and I’ve asked my son’s school what it’s got. It’s a Father’s Day school or like a special person like a grandparent, I forget how they word it. And my son every year for Mother’s Day buys a pen for me that says “I love my mom",” and I love it. But last year all the I love my mum pens were gone (or earlier this year) so I’ve got an “I love you, nana” pen but hey, that’s okay. I don’t want him to make me a nana. But yeah, they sort of include everyone just because of the situation that you’re stating, right? People become single parents for so many different reasons, it’s not because they’re going through a divorce or anything like that so that’s…yeah.”

AJ: “There’s no real blueprint. Parenting…there is no blueprint, and some people just catch on. They swing it as they go. Others make it more of a priority that they be heard. Again, there is no right or wrong in my opinion. I think we are all swimming in the same direction, advocating for our children trying to be the best role model. It be interesting if you talked to them twenty years later what they thought of growing up in your household. But we try to give them the values. We try to teach them to be more accepting, and a lot of times people will say “What’s it like having a daughter and raising her on your own?” “I don’t know what the difference is.” I don’t know what its like to raise two children. That’s what I’d say to others who have two children or three children. Like how do you balance three children all at once? It’s interesting when you change it to that perspective. People go, “huh, that’s a good point.”

(37:07) Claire: “Yeah, exactly.” How did you deal with the death of your wife, the death of your daughter’s mother with your daughter? Because she was like so young. Sixteen months, right? How did it affect her, I can imagine that she can’t really remember very much? But like then how do you then keep her mother’s memory alive? Because it’s important.

AJ: “Very important.” There are some people who go through grief who don’t want to talk about it. They don’t want to mention anything, they basically shut down and that’s what they like to do. For me, I mean, my daughter was so young when it happened so it wasn’t like I had to sit down and break the news to her. But all the time, there were certain things I would share with her. For instance, when I talked about her mother and how she ended up passing away. I would use the term that “she had an illness” not that she was “sick” because when kids get sick with a cold and a sniffle, they would use the word sick here. But when they hear illness, it’s a whole different dynamic of their mindset. So it doesn’t scare her. She knows that her mother had an illness, that her mother wasn’t sick. So, when I take my daughter to the doctor, and the doctor says, “Oh, Zoey, you’re sick.” She’s like “Oh, Okay, I’m not going to end up like my mother.”

Claire: Which is pretty important to think about that, really. I never would have thought about that, but it is pretty important, right? Cause kids worry about the craziest of things and something like that would be, could cause angst.

(39:00) AJ: “It does. Again, I think little things that do matter and how we go through the details to keep her memory alive. We celebrate the anniversary of her passing with a celebration. We go out for dinner, we celebrate, and we make it known. Her birthday, other things like that we do make sure that her memory is with us. I think it’s important for her (Zoey) to know that her mother really loved her, and the storybook ending that I like to share with people kind of closed a little bit of that uncertainty and that grief is. When my wife (and I didn’t even know in that moment) when it was time for her to go. I brought our daughter to the hospital. She came with my in-laws that morning. And my wife was cuddling with her, gave her a kiss and everything and it was time to go to lunch and my wife wanted to go to sleep. I find comfort knowing that it wasn’t me that was the last image that my wife saw, it was our daughter. And that’s what she wanted to see and that’s how the storybook ending. So, when I share that with my daughter, she feels kind of special.”

Claire: “Well, exactly. That’s what she should do.”

AJ: “Yeah! Well, her mother- the last person she kissed, the last person she saw was her (Zoey). Not me, not anybody else, not a nurse, not a doctor or anything, it was the daughter. And that helps with that coping too, right? It’s something that we have experienced something that we feel like that storybook ending. It not only helps the children, but it also helps us find some of that therapeutic ways to help get through some of those tough days and challenges. That’s why I’m able to speak more openly. Had I not had that opportunity and I wasn’t present if that would’ve happened. But we celebrate her all the time, and we keep her spirit alive and that’s what the book is also for. We are, my wife’s legacy is the stories that we tell that enable others to continue to experience the life that she had.”

Claire: “Exactly, exactly. I think it’s so important. Did your daughter get to a certain age where she asked a lot of questions? Or was it all the way through? Like even now?”

AJ: “It was all the way through. I mean some of the questions were more point-blank at the time like “Why did mommy have to die?” “Why did mommy get an illness? Why did this…why…?” But then the questions started changing to “Wow, what could we have done? What could you have done different” A more understanding is more of the root cause. She is very much a “mini-me” in terms of how we think from a risk-management standpoint. She is every bit of my wife in terms of the personality and the humor and the softness. It’s funny how kids have a blended balance sometimes of both parents. In terms of her level of thinking. She thinks about the questions before she asks.

(42:43) Claire: “It’s interesting how you said the questions change and almost like she’s gone though. Although she’s so young, she’s gone through a grieving process with well with her mom as well. Being so young you obviously don’t have a similar attachment like you would have had with your wife, right? and the fact that it’s your wife and you loved her, married her and all those things, but when it’s your mom… you wouldn’t have experienced… I guess it’s different depending on the ages that you are. Being so young, she’s going though her grieving, right? Her anger is such of what happened. What can we do any why.? Yeah. Yeah.”

AJ: “It’s funny. Depending on your faith, depending on your views, right? I believe in the heavens and I believe there are- we ascend when we pass. There are times where, my daughter and I, as we got to the bedtime routine, she wanted to stay up a little bit later like an extra ten or fifteen minutes makes a world of a difference to her. Sometimes as a parent, we are so tired by the end of the day. She’ll throw out the card “well, I think mommy would want me to stay up another fifteen more minutes and I can hear another story!” And I’d say something like “I think mommy says it’s time to go to bed because she wants to go to bed because she’s been watching over you all day and you’ve been running around in circles!” It’s funny how we sort of play around off of each other. I’ve always told her she’s got the best of both worlds. She’s got me here and she’s got her mother watching over her from afar. There are times where I do believe that my daughter has gotten into some challenges, some tough jams and suddenly came out of there without any issues. And I do believe it’s her mother who is protecting her.

Claire: “Yeah.”

(44:54) AJ: “That kind of brings me to my next point, as parents we’re so invested with our children that at the end of the day, we’re so exhausted. My daughters fifteen, right? I still put her to bed at night. She wants me to put her to bed.

Claire: “That’s okay.”

AJ: “Most people would say, “hey, how long are you going to continue this for?” And I think about all those parents who don’t have that opportunity anymore, and that’s what motivates me to keep doing it. There’s going to be a day where she’s going to say, “Dad, you don’t need to put me to bed anymore. I’ll go to bed on my own.” And until that day comes, it means I’m doing my job. And I think that’s where we can give back as parents is our time, our memories that we create with our children that they can take with for a lifetime.

Claire: “I must admit where there’s challenging times and I’m just like “oh my, please go to sleep!” Because he’s just jabbering away and all I want to do is like get on with stuff in the house. I have to tell myself that this is special, right? Like exactly what you said, some parents don’t get a chance to do this and also like it won’t be forever (is what I keep telling myself) although now you’ve just told me you still put your daughter to bed at fifteen, right? So now I’m thinking I only have another two/three years of this and then he’ll be like “no mom, I’m alright, thanks.” Yeah, Gawd! Crickey!”

AJ: “Yeah, they form this attachment. I mean I was informed that I’m going back to college because when my daughter goes to college, she wants me to come with her.”

Claire: “My son says he’s never going to leave! And I’m like, no, no no, you can leave, you can move out.” He’s got a British passport as well as an Australian passport. And I’m like no, no, no, I want you to experience the world! Go to the U.K., go see your uncle! Go see your nephew, your cousins! (My nephews) Go experience the world, go work over there, do whatever! It’ll be great! Give mummy a break!” (laughing)

AJ: (chuckling along) “Yeah, like I said before, children today the way the adapt… I feel is how we handle, and if they see we’re okay as parents then they’re okay.

Claire:” Yeah. Did you ever get counseling for the grief or was that the writing and yeah?”

AJ: “Yeah, I did not get counseling for the grief itself. That was all just digging through phases, just pushing ahead. The writing of the book did help bring out some additional emotions. Again, looking back at the accomplishments like “oh my gosh!” We all handle grief differently and in my book I talk about life is like a roller coaster. You know? We go up and down, some people put their hands up, some people sit closed to their chest (their hands), some people scream, some people cry, some people get sick afterwards, but at the end of the day you’re always at the same place as you started with the roller coaster ends. And that’s how our perceptions of life, we have that ability to change. We have that ability to take someting that is tragic and use it for the greater good. Such as trying to help others.

Claire: “Exactly, exactly. How long did your grief last? I think for one, it dissipates for lack of a better word but like how did it take you to get over that?”

AJ: “I mean we never really truly get over our loss.”

Claire: “No.”

AJ: “But what happens is we have the opportunity to say that the grief no longer impacts us, or we’re going to move outside of our bedroom or outside of our four walls. I decided very early on that I was not going to let the grief stop me from doing anything. When I go out and about, I just make sure that I know I need to hold myself up high and if I need to have a private moment or break down, I can allow myself to do that. But I decided I wasn’t going to turn a moment of mourning into a lifetime.”

Claire: “Yeah.”

AJ: “That’s why we celebrate life, why we celebrate the milestones, the accomplishments. But again, it’s easier said than done. A lot of people who are in these situations just can’t see. And grief comes in different phases. Sometimes people don’t experience grief until weeks or months later, you know they’re still in shock. What just happened?”

Claire: “Sometimes you just got to give yourself time when that happens to get through. And it can be all different time frames when it happens. It can take a year, it can be five years, and it doesn’t mean or say that you think of that person any less, it’s just how you deal with the situation yourself and sometimes counseling helps. Sometimes you can get through it without counseling and deal with different situations like you did or write a book. Get it down on paper. Talk about it. It depends, everyone deal with it in different ways, don’t they? That’s the thing.”

“AJ: “I think a lot of it has to do with what type of loss. Was it sudden loss? Like a tragic accident or a passing due to a medical condition that’s unfortunate or is this something that is more long-term? Selfishly, people who have more of a long-term grief process in terms of like an illness who are sort of preparing for the unknown, it’s not as shocking as opposed to a sudden tragic loss. The differences are people have a much greater impact because of that shock.”

Claire: “Yeah because you don’t have much of that time to prepare to say what you need to say to that person, etc. etc. Yeah, no. That’s fair enough. That’s fair enough. So your book, Keep Those Feet Moving, where can people get it from if people want to get it or read this or just want to understand your story?”

AJ: “Well, thank you for the opportunity for me to share. There are two places. One you can go to Keepthosefeetmoving.com which is our website. You can download, excuse me, you can buy the book on there. There’s a link to Amazon on the page. Or you can go to Amazon.com and look for Keep Those Feet Moving by AJ Coleman on there and you will see the book. We also have e-books as well for those who like to read electronically and paperback if you like to physically hold a page-by-page type book. The book is also able to walk you through 8 steps of my life through grief. Not necessarily grief from the loss of my wife, but also the grief of a disability, grief of loss of a job, grief of loss of companionship, spirituality. While reading the book, it challenges you through exercises to kind of get you to formulate your own kind of strength and see where you want to grow internally both professionally as well as personally. It’s designed to be “light reading” in a sense that you could read through it in a couple of hours, on a plane. You could probably finish it within a three hour plane ride.”

Claire: “Crickey! That’s awesome. That’s awesome! Can people contact… like if people want to speak to you directly, could they contact you by the Keepthosefeetmoving.com, could they contact you there? Yeah? That’s awesome. Thank you for today. Thank you for like opening up to us. Becasue it’s hard, it’s like really hard to be able to open up to people. I’m a person who tends to like to keep that sort of down on the low, low-down. But um, I’ve just um, your honesty has been really good. Thank you for being honest with us. You’ve got kids as well, it’s not just about you dealing with all that. It’s about your kids dealing with it as well. I’ve got one final question for you. What piece of advice was given to you that you still use today? "

AJ: “My favorite advice of all time is something my grandfather used to say- “Every day is a good day.” That’s something I take with me every day. I know my cousins, my uncles do the same. It really resonates. No matter how bad your day may be, the challenges you face, every day is still a good day.”

Claire: “Yeah.”

AJ: “If you have the opportunity at nighttime to recycle, recharge for the next day. And when times are tough, you just have to keep those feet moving.”

Claire: “Yeah, I know. I agree. And if you’re having a bad day, just go to bed. Because tomorrow is another day, right? You’ll wake up and you’ll be completely different. It’s amazing how that happens. Look, thank you again. I’m going to let you get on your merry way. Have a great day!”

AJ: Thank you. Thank you for the wonderful opportunity this is. I hope to inspire to follow in these footsteps.”

Claire: Thanks for listening. If you liked this podcast, and would like to hear more please hit subscribe wherever you like to hear podcasts. If you would like to support us further, share this episode with yout friends and family and finally drop us a review on itunes as I’d love to hear your thoughts, comments and ideas. It all helps me to understand and produce awesome content you like to hear just like this.

To continue listening to the rest of the podcast click here: Strong Single and Human Podcast - EP139 - AJ Coleman - Keep Those Feet Moving — A Widower’s 8-Step Guide to Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds. | Free Listening on Podbean App

Giving insight on how AJ came to write Keep Those Feet Moving: A Widower’s 8-Step Guide to Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds despite not being a writer or even liking the idea of sitting down to write. Opening up about the realization of editing challenges, cost and timeline it takes to write a book, AJ shares how he spent his entire life “preparing for grief” between his upbringing- living with a disability, having to be strong for his family and daughter as well as multiple job losses and setbacks that only made him more resilient.

AJ talks about the support system at the time of losing his late wife, Cory, and how it wasn’t what he expected. Much of his strength came from finding motivation and inspiration through the obstacles he overcame in his past. Growing up with a hearing impairment, Aj was used to navigating loneliness and he channeled his focus

the hardest part is managing other people’s reactions and their expectations. He was only 33 years old when he became a solo parent and he talks about the struggles of trying to be both mom and dad to his young daughter while being a new dad.

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]]>Podcast EP 139 Strong, Single and Human Hosted by Claire Martin Feat. AJ ColemanKeep Those Feet MovingMon, 08 Jan 2024 18:31:42 +0000https://keepthosefeetmoving.com/blog/january-is-mental-health-awareness-month5a96ccccf93fd498b3fe59ac:5c3d078488251bf046683590:659b4a56a5b7c81d9494e011

It seems appropriate that January is Mental Wellness Month. After all, what better way to start the new year (and recover from the non-stop hustle and bustle of the holiday season) than with a reminder to recharge your mental health?

Research continues to show that your mental health significantly impacts your physical health. Individuals with chronic conditions like heart disease, cancer and diabetes are more likely to experience depression or anxiety. The opposite is true as well: Positive mental health (along with other factors) can reduce your risk of heart attack and other serious conditions. Strong mental health also helps boost your immune system, reducing your risk of getting sick.

So, how can you improve your mind-body connection?

View some simple tips here: January is Mental Wellness Month: It's the perfect time to shift your focus from the holidays to your own personal well-being - Well Being Trust

Well Being Trust is a national foundation with a mission to advance the mental, social and spiritual health of the nation

January has been designated as National Mental Wellness Month, so that the public can become aware and recognize the importance of mental health.

Mental illness refers to behavioral, emotional, and psychological disorders ranging from mild to severe. Those who suffer from mild symptoms might not struggle to function socially, personally, or professionally.

Read More here: January is recognized as National Mental Wellness month - The Gatesville Messenger

Every season has its challenges, but wintertime can present some increased obstacles to our health, notably our mental health. When temperatures drop, when the weather gets bad, when sunshine seems scarce for weeks, many of us struggle to feel like ourselves. However, implementing a few habits can help pull ourselves out of those winter blues. Explore these wellness tips for winter so you have a plan on how to promote good health when the weather gets cold. Mental Wellness During WInter | Home and Garden | journal-news.net

“Often taken for granted, our mental health or mental well-being is an aspect of our lives that many neglect. Perhaps the term “mental” is perceived negatively or is associated with someone who has a mental disorder. Or maybe it’s just easier to create and excuse rather than take the time to focus on well-being. Regardless, mental health should be a top priority and vital focal point of our lives.

What if the term is replaced with mental self-care, which can vastly improve your mental and physical health? It can play a consequential part that involves your psychological, emotional, and social well-being. In other words, it correlates to how you think, feel, act, or respond in certain situations., and it can influence how you handle stress, relate to others, and make choices. With that being said, why isn’t there a greater emphasis on mental self-care? I think much of it relates to life’s daily rigors, time commitment, and perhaps education.”

~From AJ Coleman’s chapter titled Spring into Mental Self-Care.

You can read more about how to cope when faced with stress and anxiety along with his five steps developed to help stop panic attacks and regain control in his latest book, Keep Those Feet Moving: A Widower’s 8-Step Guide to Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds here.

“Do you know how many thoughts your mind thinks each hour of the day? Experts estimate that the mind thinks between 60,000 – 80,000 thoughts a day. That’s an average of 2500 – 3,300 thoughts per hour. That’s incredible.” ~Remez Sasson

Sometimes, this endless flow of thoughts is tiring and exhausting, especially when you are anxious or worried.

Sometimes, in order to draw attention away from these thoughts, people drink, take drugs, or engage themselves in hobbies or in various activities, but this isn’t the right solution.

• Just think how much energy and time you could have saved if you could reduce the number of your thoughts.

• Just think how much better focus you could possess, if thoughts did not bother you.

• Think about how much inner peace, calmness and happiness you would have enjoyed, if there was a way to stop all these thoughts, which add nothing to your life.

Let me ask you, do you keep the engine of your car running after arriving at your destination? You certainly switch the engine off. So why not do so with your mind?

You might say that this is an automatic process, which cannot be stopped. Wrong! It is an automatic process, but it can be stopped, or at least slowed down.

Continue Reading more about how to Stop the Mental Noise on his blog, Success Conscious -How Many Thoughts Does Your Mind Think in One Hour, Daily? (successconsciousness.com)

Spotlight on: Remez Sasson

Creator of the Success Conscious Blog and multi-book Author

With an interest in personal growth, the powers of the mind, spiritual growth, and other related topics Remez utilized every opportunity beginning at the young age of fifteen to study books on personal development, positive thinking, psychology, meditation, philosophy and more.

Visit his blog and bookstore to learn more about the power of the mind and additional tips for mental wellness.

The interesting perspective of a single dad raising a young daughter through the toddler stage and school days while keeping the memory of his late wife alive during that time. AJ shares the undeniable bond he and his daughter have, explains the tricky part of dating as a widower and gives insight into his life now remarried with a blended family.

Among common questions like, “How are you able to get out of bed?” and “How are you able to stay strong?”, people would often ask AJ what he would have done if his wife didn’t have brain cancer or questions about how many kids they might have had. Amidst all the “what-if” scenarios, his response is “I don’t know. I don’t know what I would be like. I’ll tell you what I do know.

“The beautiful side of grief is we don’t know what the alternative is, and we work really hard make the best of what we have.” -AJ Coleman

Listen to the Full Episode Here

The Beautiful Side of Grief your go-to weekly podcast if you are wanting to hear interviews from people who have moved through heart-wrenching loss or those who are at the coal-face supporting this process. It diverse, heart-warming though most of all it is positive and filled with go-to's that you can use yourself. For user-friendly FREE resources visit https://thebeautifulsideofgrief.com/free-resources

The Beautiful Side of Grief podcast 

Podcast: https://thebeautifulsideofgrief.com

Email:     thebeautifulsideofgrief@gmail.com

Website: https://thebeautifulsideofgrief.com

IG:           https://instagram.com/thebeautifulsideofgrief

Fb:           https://facebook.com/thebeautifulsideofgrief 

Sometimes television shows can offer comfort and help us feel connected when we are experiencing loneliness. As the weather gets colder, we find ourselves gathering inside and having more time to binge our favorite shows or watch something new. Ever have a movie or tv show suggestion pop up that seems to meet you right where you’re at? Recently, the 90’s shows have been making a comeback and nothing seems to be cozier than a little nostalgia and a relaxing show. We came across one episode of Full House that really hit home on the topic of loss, bereavement and of course dealing with grief during the holidays. Knowing that this particular episode gave comfort to millions of people when it first aired a couple decades ago, brought a little more hope to the season.

Full House is an American television sitcom created by Jeff Franklin for ABC. The show is about widowed father, Danny Tanner, who enlists his brother-in-law, Jesse Katspolis and childhood best friend Joey Gladstone to help raise his three daughters, eldest D.J., middle child, Stephanie, and youngest, Michelle, in his San Francisco home. It aired from September 22, 1987 to May 23, 1995, broadcasting eight seasons and 192 episodes.

Premise of Full House-

After the death of his wife Pam, sports anchor Danny Tanner recruits his brother-in-law (Pam's younger brother) Jesse, a rock musician, and his best friend since childhood, Joey, who works as a stand-up comedian, to help raise his three young daughters in San Francisco—DJ, Stephanie and Michelle. Over time, the three men, as well as the girls, bond and become closer to one another.

There are many episodes through the show where opportunities to talk about loss and grief present themself. One episode in particular is a Thanksgiving episode in Season One where it is the first Thanksgiving for the two older sisters, DJ and Stephanie (ages 10 and 5 respectively) without their mother. Danny (a widowed news caster played by Bob Saget), their father, tries to make the day special for them even though he is worried about how to prepare the turkey dinner. With the help of his roommate Joey and brother-in-law, Jesse, the three of them decide to make dinner reservations instead. When the eldest daughter is taken back by the idea. Instead, she insists on helping to make the turkey and claims that her mom taught her how to make a “picture perfect pumpkin pie” Danny, Joey and Jesse all agree to try their best attempt at helping the girls have a dinner like the year before. But just as everything is ready on the table, things go south when the turkey is still frozen and grandma can’t make it to visit. Desperate Danny is pleading for a “Thanksgiving miracle” when the doorbell suddenly rings and two woman arrive with a hot turkey ready. Turns out they were at the wrong address, and they leave with the turkey that Danny thought would be the saving grace to keep DJ from feeling disappointed. Attention shifts to the frozen turkey in the oven that has now smoked up the kitchen requiring explanation from Danny to where he tries to take the blame for burning the turkey to spare his daughters feelings. However, DJ is visbibly distraught and to make matters worse, Stephanie then drops the pumpkin pie onto the floor and it seems like nothing can go right. Danny then talks to DJ alone to share his own embarrassment of almost offering to pay $200 to the ladies for their turkey but allows for a fatherly lesson. He explains to DJ that her mother knew Thanksgiving was more than a turkey and how she would have still been proud of DJ because she knew family was important. This is a powerful moment for a tv show to capture the emotions of a daughter losing a mom and the ripple effects of loss on the family especially around the holidays.

Another scene in the episode jumps to the younger sister, Stephanie, and Uncle Jesse where they can both be seen sitting in the room looking at a photo album of Uncle Jesse and his sister as kids. Stephanie asked who the little girl is in the pictures and it dawns on Uncle Jesse that while he grieves the loss of his sister, he has the unique opportunity to comfort his niece through his memories growing up with her mom. He explains that the little girl is her mother and tells a funny story of how they used to play together. This brings happiness to 5 year old Stephanie who then offers to help her older sister to re-make the ruined pie and enjoy their Thanksgiving anyway. The sisters leave the room is a better mood and when you think the episode might leave it at that, there is another unexpected scene that really hit home for many who have experienced loss.

As the family turns to head downstairs into the kitchen, Uncle Jesse can be seen holding back tears and fighting to not be overtaken with emotion. He becomes agitated when Danny senses his discomfort and tries to talk about it. A few times he keeps saying he’s fine, just hungry and then escalates to saying he doesn’t want to talk about it. Danny can relate to the pain but comes to a realization that the loss of his wife, Pam, affects Jesse differently because of their relationship as brother and sister. Danny goes on to say something profound about how Jesse had more thanksgivings with her than he did and he has compassion for him. After a few moments of denial, Jesse finally gives in to his sadness and cries to Danny “why does it still hurt so much?!” The brothers-in-law share a powerful moment together by talking to each other about thier grief and accepting that their journey will be a process. The impact of their conversation as men opening up and being vulnerable is what changed the show from being simple “tv” to being real, raw and something millions of viewers could imagine themselves in. The episode was deep and heartfelt and instead of Jesse hiding his feelings to be “tough” he showed courage and even told Danny stories about the pictures in his photo album of Pam when she was young to bring healing to Danny as well. In short, there could not have been a more beautiful way for the two of them to navigate their loss together during the holiday and to be selfless enough to also consider the girls through their own heartache. While the turkey may have been burnt to a crisp and the pumpkin pie smashed on the floor, important conversations were had, and they changed the energy in the home and the family strengthened their bond together through their grief. In the end, they focused on having each other for support and loving their family dynamic that had changed so much after a devastating loss.

While Full House is a G-rated show, many episodes came with hard topics and lessons that seemed “wise beyond years” for young audiences. Because of the premise being about a widower raising his three girls with the help of his brother-in-law and long-time friend turned roommate, there was a sense of humanity that brought viewers down to earth without all the Hollywood glam. Nowadays as we fast forward in our time machine from the 1990’s to 2023, another hit tv show that demonstrates the effect of loss, This Is Us, is the multigenerational story about coping through the loss of a father who died tragically in a house fire leaving behind a wife and three children. While this show isn’t G-rated, it resonated with viewers of all ages as well because of how universal grief and loss are. In today’s pop culture, more people might connect online than through tv shows by sharing their own personal stories on popular social media platforms and in private Facebook groups or in-person support groups. However, we find ways to connect, know that having a support system whether family, friends, or new friends from the grief community it is always important to have support and a place where you can share your grief journey and know you are not alone.

Always Keep Those Feet Moving and remember…

We can’t control what happens, but we can control how we choose to deal with what happens.

Wishing you a very warm and comforting holiday from us!

To recap the year, AJ Coleman was featured as a guest on podcast episodes, YouTube Channels, magazine articles, and online webinars. He was invited to speak at numerous events in the community including a book signing at the McCormick Center in Downtown Chicago with the American Library Association. Partnering with the National Widower’s Organization as a recognized board member, AJ connects others in their grief journey with healing resources and through the power of his own story.

While a talented and heartfelt author, AJ remains humble and considers it an honor to work with accomplished individuals and professionals specializing in the topics of grief and loss.

Podcasts Featured On in 2023

• Let’s Talk About Grief with Anne DeButte (April 2023)

  • Let's Talk About Grief With Anne: AJ Coleman - A Day in the Life of a Single Dad Raising a Toddler: Widowhood and its Challenges on Apple Podcasts

• Before You Kill Yourself with Leo Flowers (June 2023)

  • Before You Kill Yourself: a suicide prevention podcast.: AJ COLEMAN - A Widower's 8-Step Guide to Coping With Grief on Apple Podcasts

• Growth Through Grief with Tom Pisello (May 2023)

  • Episode 36: Your Grief Journey: A Marathon Not a Sprint - Growth Through Grief

• Grief & Rebirth-Finding the Joy in Life with Irene Weinberg (October 2023)

  • AJ Coleman: He lost his 33-year-old wife to brain cancer, leaving him alone to raise their 1-year-old daughter. He also faced accepting his hearing impairment, learning to deal with anxiety, panic attacks, and recovering from job losses. Yet, through it all, he embraced, accepted, and grew. – Irene Weinberg

Featured YouTube Channel Episodes in 2023

• Grief Probate Journey with Tara and Tanya (July 2023)

  • Introduction video to Interview with AJ Coleman: Author of Keep Those Feet Moving - YouTube

  • Interview with AJ Coleman: Author of Keep Those Feet Moving - YouTube

  • Grief Probate Journey – © Copyright 2019 Grief Probate Journey Blog. In this blog, we talk about grief and what we have learnt. We also talk about what we feel to be “The unknown”. The legal requirements after losing a loved one. This is based on UK Law as well as our own experiences.

• “ Men’s Grief Network with Joe Walko- Keep Those Feet Moving: Lessons from a Widowed Parent"

  • Keeping those feet moving - YouTube

• Men’s Grief Network + The National Widower’s Organization with Joe Walko- “National Widower’s Day- Raising Children after the Loss of a Spouse

  • NATIONAL WIDOWERS DAY - Raising children after the loss of a spouse - YouTube

• Grief, Rebirth and Healing with Irene Weinberg

  • AJ Coleman: He lost his 33-year-old wife to brain cancer - YouTube

Article Features in 2023

• Authority Magazine

  • Happiness and Joy During Turbulent Times: AJ Coleman Of Keep Those Feet Moving On How To Live With Joie De Vivre, Even When It Feels Like The Whole World Is Pulling You Down | by Authority Magazine Editorial Staff | Authority Magazine | Medium

• National Widower’s Organization

  • 5 Coping Steps To Move Towards Happiness – National Widowers' Organization

As a special thank you and to celebrate the one-year anniversary of AJ Coleman’s book, Keep Those Feet Moving: A Widower’s 8-Step Guide to Coping with Grief and Thriving Against All Odds, we are releasing a limited time e-book from November 16th-21st at no cost to you. Download your free E-book here