We’ve recently moved hosting solutions (having reached the download limit on Podbean – an achievement so insignificant that it happens without anyone even noticing. Like winning the Capital One Cup) so it’s now slightly better to download the podcast rather than listening in the in-line media player on this page. Download it for free here (follow the link, then right-click and save) or via iTunes, where you can also subscribe to make sure you get access to the latest episodes as we make them. Comments/questions/answers to the football trivia(l) questions all very welcome on the blog or on the Facebook page.

To sing along with us, click on “Continue Reading” for the lyrics.

“Alex Song”

It’s a little bit funny to play your old side
I was the one Barcelona wanted to buy
They paid a fair bit of money and took me to Camp Nou
I was signed for five years, but dumped after two

If I’d come back to Arsenal, but Wenger said no
Now their midfield’s like the Coquelin show
I’m on the wrong side of London now that I’m at West Ham
My name’s Alex Song and this is who I am

And you can tell everybody I am Alex Song
I was at Arsenal, but now I don’t belong
How can I not mind?
Well, wouldn’t you mind?
If like me you had been
An Arsenal player since aged seventeen

How can I not mind?
Well, wouldn’t you mind?
I should be at Arsenal
Instead I’m hitting long balls up to Andy Carroll

original song and music by Elton John and Bernie Taupin (“Your Song”)

“La Vie En Rose”

Hold to the plan, hold to it fast
Play each game like the last
This is La Vie En Rose
Though my choices make fans sigh
The Emirates rolls its eyes
This is La Vie En Rose

Adapt my strategy? How strange
There’s no need to make a change
Except perhaps to strengthen the squad with another creative central midfielder
And when our best players all leave for Man City
I just say “c’est la vie” and refuse to feel shi- inferior!

Nobody can change my mind
We’ll aim for fourth, that’s fine
And life’s La Vie En Rose

We’ll play the only way we can
It’s all going to plan
This is La Vie En Rose
Dites-moi pourquoi alter perfection
Let’s keep the same selection
This is La Vie En Rose

Adapt my strategy? How strange
There’s no need to make a change
When it’s all going so well
And when people say “pas mal” is not good enough
I just give a Gallic shrug and I say to them “Bof!”

Nobody can change my mind
We’ll aim for fourth, that’s fine
And life’s La Vie En Rose

original song and music by Louis Guglielmi, Marguerite Monnot and Edith Piaf (“La Vie En Rose”)

“Bastian Schweinsteiger”

Staying put, at Bayern Munich
A reliable player for the Germans
He seems an okay guy both on and off the pitch
Just a man with a normal personal life (I assume)
He is Bastian Schweinsteiger, and at the World Cup
His team beat all of their rivals
His name means “pig climber”, but what the pig’s climbing up
I don’t know – anyway, never mind,
He’s Bastian Schweinsteiger

original song and music by Frankie Sullivan and Jim Peterik (“Eye of the Tiger”)

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If you enjoy our Premier League jokes and speculation, please subscribe on iTunes or like/share us on Facebook. To sing along with us, click on “Continue Reading” for the lyrics.

“Harry Kane”

There’s something going on at White Hart Lane
Some kid scoring goals all over the place
Whipping up a media storm, I
I guess he’s done all right, oh, oh-oh oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh oh-oh
He hits them in, like whoa, oh, oh-oh oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh oh-oh

A new English hope that’s swept us off our feet
Like Wilshere or Carroll or Owen Hargreaves
That’s what Roy Hodgson is afraid of
That he might be overrated, oh, oh-oh oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh oh-oh
I guess there’s no way to know, oh, oh-oh oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh oh-oh

Kaboul and Vertonghen, Walker, Dier, Rose
They’re like, pass it on to Mason
Chadli’s quick, away he goes
Outplaying defenders, it’s Eriksen again
Everything is fine, if
Playing as the striker is Harry Kane
Six months ago no-one knew his name
Who’s that over there? That’s Harry Kane
This is the weather report from White Hart Lane
Coming up ahead it’s a Harry Kane

If you’ve got Soldado
You’re better off with Harry Kane
Adebayor, no
Just leave him out, pick Harry Kane
Complete some passes, passes
Create some chances, chances
And don’t give up
Go all the way, go all the way

Kaboul and Vertonghen, Walker, Dier, Rose
They’re like, pass it on to Mason
Chadli’s quick, away he goes
Outplaying defenders, it’s Eriksen again
Everything is fine, if
Playing as the striker is Harry Kane
Six months ago no-one knew his name
Who’s that over there? That’s Harry Kane
This is the weather report from White Hart Lane
Coming up ahead it’s a Harry Kane

original song and music by Bridgit Mendler, Emanuel Kiriakou, Evan Bogart and Andrew Goldstein (“Hurricane”)

“Sweeper Keeper”

Sweeper Keeper, teams are gonna find you
Right where you belong
Not putting a foot wrong
You are Tottenham’s number one

Since displacing Friedel you’re top pick
When games are played you start them all
I know that you are tidy, French and quick
At coming out to grab the balls
Whoops I’m sorry that was accidental innuendo
I didn’t mean it in that way
I mean you just engage in good clean fun
And there’s no dirty play

You are the Sweeper Keeper, waiting in the area
Ready to take ’em on
‘Til the game is won
Feeling like a number one

Always looking tidy and austere
Handsome and somewhat guarded
Except in the Astaris Tripolis game last year
When you lost your cool and got red carded
But Spurs had already used up all their substitutions
So Harry Kane went into goal
What a disaster that was
Anyway, it’s done and on the whole

You are the Sweeper Keeper, teams are gonna find you
Right where you belong
Not putting a foot wrong
You are Tottenham’s number one

So you’ll be there, commanding in the box
Saving free kicks, blocking headers, stopping shots
And when defenders know you’re there
Just at the back
Your skills give them the freedom to attack

You are the Sweeper-per Keeper-per
What a stellar career
Keep on keeping on
Once the game’s begun
You are France’s numero un

original song and music by Benny Andersson and Bjorn Ulvaeus (“Super Trouper”)

“Regulators”

Regulators
we regulate any football competition
and corruption too
But you can only get so far with UEFA,
gotta do what we say even if you’re the FA!
REGULATORS!!! Of the WORLD CUP!

Clear back in December, two thousand and ten
Sepp B and the committee were voting again
On the hosts for the 2022 World Cup
just countin all the bribes, addin them up

Hit up the UK, saying “make me a knight?”
“No? I’ll take cash then, that’s all right.”
But they didn’t pay up so we shot them down
All you fools know what makes the World Cup go around

So I listened to my heart – I mean, to the Qataris
some brothas with a credit card who said “Let’s charge this”
I gave them the nod and opened up the doors
some brothas wrote a cheque so I said “I’m yours.”

A World Cup in the desert will be dry and hot
But watch out fans who like to drink a lot
Dontcha know drinkin beer will get you thrown in jail
So will getting hot and heavy with another male

It makes no sense, it’s too much radiation
Can you believe they don’t have a football stadium
They say it’s being built but the slaves on it are dying
Look Sepp Blatter at what you were buying

They got money in their pockets, crooked guys all
And why should they even be in charge of football?
These guys weren’t ever players, they’re just greedy clowns
We should boycott the World Cup just to bring them down

They got unchecked power
They think they sent from above
I can’t believe this happenin to the game we love
If they all got sacked
let me just dream
Get rid of bin Hammam and this corrupted regime

Four were charged and two suspended
Jack Warner’s career was finally ended
he revealed the bribery it’s a tad bit late
No external enquiry’s allowed to regulate

Garcia laid the facts bare, they were covered up again
It’s so obviously corrupted it just seems insane
The bids were for the summer, as was always said
But now apparently it’s gonna be at Christmas instead

Now FIFA moved the goalposts
and that’s a known fact
process hijacked, it’s gone way off track
back up back up cause it’s on
FIFA and the
Executive Committee

Everyone knows they should have agreed
To goal line technology
Sepp Blatter and FIFA
Said “Just let it be.”
It only makes sense when you understand
and say “ooo I realise”
Their rationale isn’t rational
They’ll agree when they’re paid by Hawkeye
They’ve got a minimum price and no other consideration
The  Fédération Internationale de Football Association

I’m learning
into a whole new governance structure
FIFA
say “suck this, I dare ya”
CHEATS
to a whole new degree
the rules is the game and the game is the money

Beautiful
Game
We love
Personal Gain
FIFA
where we live by the rules
and the rules provide our living

If everyone knows
you don’t wanna join in with this
It’s the World Cup Qatar
cheapened with a gangsta twist
if you play by the rules
then you lose out in this game
cause FIFA are crooks
And there’s no one else to regulate

original song and music by Nate Dogg, Warren G (“Regulate”)

Or download it here. (Follow the link, then right-click and save) Premier League songs, jokes, analysis, games and speculation – tell your friends or share on Facebook! To stay up-to-date with new episodes you can subscribe via iTunes to A Match of Two Halves. To sing along with us, click on “Continue Reading” for the lyrics.
“Brendan and the Reds”

Hey fans, Liverpool forever
We all love the team and so we think we’re something special
We’re the best fans… you’ll never walk alone
You’re gonna hear us sing at Anfield or have a moan

Say, Can and Moreno, have you seen them yet
Skrtel and Mignolet, Ibe-Ibe-Ibe-Ibe and the other Reds
Oh, Balotelli, Markovic
Oh Brendan, he’s really keen.
On Sterling, Lovren, Henderson
Allen, Sturridge and Coutin-ho
Be-Be-Brendan and the Reds

Hey team, you act like it’s a given
You deserve to be the champions
But you mope around like victims
Just feeling sorry for yourselves
It’s no surprise that Anfield’s got so many empty trophy shelves

Say, Can and Moreno, have you seen them yet
Skrtel and Mignolet, Ibe-ibe-ibe-ibe-ibe and the other Reds
Oh, Balotelli, Markovic
Oh Brendan, he’s really keen
On Sterling, Lovren, Henderson
Allen, Sturridge and Coutin-ho
Be-Be-Brendan and the Reds

Brendan, Brendan and the Reds
Brendan, Brendan, Brendan, Brendan and the Reds

original song and music by Elton John and Bernie Taupin (“Bennie and the Jets”)

“Hey Dude”
Hey dude, don’t take it bad
Though it’s sad and you are dejected
Remember it’s happened to you before
Leaving you sore, cause you’ve been rejected

Hey dude, of course you’re scarred
It’s a hard thing to get over
Being dumped at the age of fifteen
But you’re now thirty three, so accept that it’s over
And if you feel like giving in, hey dude, begin
To seriously explore it – quitting’s viable
You know you could be making your mark at Villa Park
If only you weren’t still in denial
La la la Lambert, la la la la

Dejan, don’t get too down
There’s still Russell Brown, your fashion label
So what if you’re benched on every match day?
Stand up, walk away, take a seat at your sewing table

Sew up some hems, and take seams in, Dejan, begin
Your second career as a designer
And though you once played some football, Dejan, that’s all
Gone – your Liverpool role is pretty minor
La la la Lovren, la la la la

Hey dude, don’t feel ashamed
Though your name’s mud at Southampton
Remember you made a transfer request wasn’t that for the best, now isn’t it
Better better better better better better, oh
La la la Lalalana, Lalalana, hey dude

original song and music by John Lennon and Paul McCartney (“Hey Jude”)

“We’re in the Money”
We’re in the money, we’re in the money
We’ve got some great young players, and we always sell ’em on
Financial outlook is pretty sunny
Our players go to rich teams and we replace them for a song

There was a hefty price tag to bag Luke Shaw
We bought a bargain Bertrand – a profitable trade, millions made

We’re in the profit, we’re rich as chocolate
Don’t flash it – cash or stash it, in case a rainy day comes along
Don’t flash it – cash or stash it, in case a rainy day comes along

We’ve won the bingo, in the transfer window
Cause our best players say they want to go away
Not because of football, just for your info
Cause they care less about their playing than their pay

Lallana, Lovren, Chambers, don’t be strangers, so long
Why, hello Alderweireld, Tadic, Clyne, we’ll do just fine

We’re in the money, and ain’t it funny
They said that we would struggle but instead we’ve proved them wrong
They said that we would struggle but instead we’ve proved them wrong

original song and music by Harry Warren and Al Dubin (“The Gold Diggers’ Song (We’re in the Money)”)

Or download it here. (Follow the link, then right-click and save)

Featuring more songs, more jokes, more speculation and a match day report from Old Trafford, as well as the answer to last week’s football trivia question.

To sing along with us, click on “Continue Reading” for the lyrics.

“Big Sam’s West Ham”

Anybody who is anybody knows at Upton Park
Big Sam’s West Ham are long-balling
If you think when they advance, it’s all down to chance, you won’t be wide of the mark
Unlike Big Sam’s West Ham – long-balling

They like Route One, so they scoot on
Just like Wimbledon do
Big Sam’s quite simple, he says “Give it the old one-two,
Lump it long, boys
Pass it on, boys
I could write you a dossier
Van Gaal’s a statistician
But I am a tactician
Sophisticated magician of the game were playing here.”

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah, ooh da da da da

You know Sam once said
He was a sort of wonderkid
And he should be managing
A team like Real Madrid

Van Gaal’s insulted
That’s resulted
In a little bit of a spt
He said “Big Sam was wrong, and I’ll prove it with some stats.
We play with class
Not long ball, but long pass
So kiss my twitchy ass…
There is a difference
Long ball is your convention
We pass with intention
Just thought it worth a mention to the press assembled here.”

But anybody who watched the game knows that
Both Van Gaal’s Man U
And Big Sam’s West Ham
Were long-balling.

original song and music by Paul Williams (“Big Sam’s Grand Slam”)

“Moyes Way”

Regrets, I’ve had a few
But every one seemed worth a mention
Every wrong move, every mis-step
Each one received so much press attention
When I was sacked, the news was leaked
It didn’t happen in a nice way
But all I can say is this:
I did it Moyes Way

So where did it go wrong?
From champions to abject surrender
Was it my tactics? I lost the dressing room
When I pissed off all my defenders
But I had no galacticos
All I could buy was Fellaini
I even took the blame for this –
They said “It’s Moyes’ Way.”

The Chosen One, the fans would shout
Just nine months on, it was: “Moyes Out”
I took it all, I took the flak
And then they stabbed me in the back
That vitriol, I took it all
I did it…Moyes Way

original song and music by Paul Anka, Claude Francois and Jacques Revaux, performed by Frank Sinatra (“My Way”)

“Januzaj”

Januzaj, all our hopes for your were super high
You were a speedy and a skilful guy
We believed in you, oh Januzaj

Cleverley, you’re not half the player we thought you’d be
Now you’re at Villa temporarily
Make it permanent, oh Cleverley

Welbeck had to go
Wasn’t good enough to stay
Falling over when you’ve got a chance in front of goal
Doesn’t mean that you should play

But Januzaj, you’re better than those other guys
Perhaps you’ll get another try
We still believe in Januzaj

original song and music by John Lennon and Paul McCartney (“Yesterday”)

Or download it here. (Follow the link, then right-click and save)

Episode 2 of our singalong football podcast focuses on Manchester City and Chelsea, where we look at tactics, potential setbacks and try to answer the question “which team is more evil?” Join us for more analysis, predictions and speculations – plus a football trivia question and more songs, as we are helped out by my talented cousin Ryan (he’s an Arsenal fan).

Do leave opinions, questions and trivia answers in the comments below.

To sing along with us, click on “Continue Reading” for the lyrics.

“Moves Like Aguero”

It’s Saturday night, and we’re home – uh
TV is on, we’re on the sofa
Take it away, Match of the Day, here comes the replay
And it goes like this

Wears a 10, plays like a 9
He’s up front to lead the line
It’s the moves of Dzeko
It’s the moves of Dzeko
It’s the moves of Dzeko

Highlights still on, we’re still here
Listening to Alan Shearer
Take it away, Match of the Day, here comes the replay
And it goes like this

A defender who makes it look easy
Like the next Marcel Desailly
It’s the moves of Zouma
It’s the moves of Zouma
It’s the moves of Zouma

Highlights still on, never ending
Oh no Robbie Savage – ear-bending
Take it away, Match of the Day, here comes the replay
And it goes like this

Precision movement and control
Always seems to get a goal
It’s the moves of Aguero
It’s the moves of Aguero
It’s the moves of Aguero

The BBC just rebid for the TV rights
To show the Premier League highlights
Till at least 2020, your licence fee pays for Match of the Day
And it goes like this

A right back who defends the goal
A right footer but he’s better than Cole
It’s the moves of Azpilicueta
It’s the moves of Azpilicueta
It’s the moves of Azpilicueta

original song and music by Adam Levine, Benny Blanco, Ammar Malik and Shellback (“Moves Like Jagger”)

“Africa”

I hear the whistle blow today
Kicking off this fixture in Man City’s competition
Looking at the team who’s on to play
Surprising to see both some of the selections and omissions
Pellegrini looks sad as if to say
“I’m hoping for a last second reprieve or squad revision
I miss Bony and Toure. Hurry boys we’re waiting here for you.”

(chorus)
International duty’s taken them away from you
There’s nothing that eleven men or more could ever do
They’re playing away down in Africa
The Cup of Nations has taken the players you thought you had…

The players cry out on match day
Unhappy Nasri, sad Aguero, solitary Kompany
You know there’s nothing you can say
To make them stay in Manchester and not go to the Serengeti
You’re up against national pride
As long as it does not hurt their incomes

(chorus)

They’re playing away down in Africa (they still get paid)
They’re playing away down in Africa (paid holiday)
They’re playing away down in Africa (don’t dock their wage)
Gonna take some time to play some football on the side…

original song and music by David Paich and Jeff Porcaro (“Africa”)

“Mourinho”

I’m Mourinho
Smarter than my rivals
I win with class and style
Each day
A champions-maker
A heartbreaker
When you’re my players, you’re playing my way

I’m Mourinho
I’ve won leagues across the world
Best manager in the world
That’s me
If only there were more cups to be won
Cause, listen everyone
I’m the Special One
Mourinho
That’s me

original song and music by Henry Mancini and Johnny Mercer (“Moon River”)

Or download it here. (Follow the link, then right-click and save)

In Episode 1 we discuss the season so far as well as players and managers who are on the move.

We’re already working on Episode 2 but would love your questions, opinions and predictions – please leave a comment on this post.

And did I mention it’s a singalong football podcast? Click on “Continue Reading” for the lyrics in order to join in with the songs.

“Bad Buys”

We could have been anything that we wanted to be
With all the talent we had
No doubt about it, we were on top of the rest
Now we’re the best at being bad buys

My ego’s bruised and sore
My commiserations, no-one rates you any more
Bad buys, playing like we’re cursed
Once we were the best but now they say that we’re the worst
We’re overrated, and our fees weren’t worthwhile
Bad buys who’ve just gone out of style

Fernando Torres, I was worth £50 mil
Before the goals all dried up
At Liverpool I scored, but now there’s naught on the board
And Chelsea feel like they’ve been sold a pup

Eric Lamela, priced at £30 mil
That was in my last sale
I don’t get picked, now I only get stick
Spurs really mis-spent the cash from Bale

Andy Carroll, in my Newcastle days
I was always heading ’em in
But at the Anfield environment, I was surplus to requirements
I was sold – chucked in the bargain bin

We could have been anything that we wanted to be
With all the talent we had
No doubt about it, we were on top of the rest
Now we’re the best at being bad buys

You can send us out on loan, but we’ll still come back to you
We’ll be remembered for our fees and not what we say or do

original song and music by Paul Williams (“Bad Guys”)

“No More Managing Magpies”

If you could see the things I’ve seen
When I managed Magpies

All the fans just jeer and boo
I got stick from the players too
There was nothing I could do
When I managed Magpies

The fans would shout, “Give us a wave!”
And if I did, they’d act outraged
It was lose-lose at St James
When I managed Magpies

In my profession I’ve worked hard
But it’s time to stop
I’ll go down south, down in the league
And further from the top

There’s a Palace, fit for a queen
Yes Selhurst Park’s much more my scene
I’ll trade eighth place for eighteenth
Now I’m managing Eagles
No more managing Magpies
No more managing Magpies

original song and music by Fred Cliff, Harry Gifford and George Formby (“When I’m Cleaning Windows”)

“In the Premier League”

The pitches are always greener
In the Spanish Copa del Rey
You dream about being signed there
But that would be a terrible play

Just look at the teams around you
From the Emirates [Arsenal] to Turf Moor [Burnley]
Such wonderful players surround you
So what if you could earn more?

In the Premier League
In the Premier League
Life here’s a chuckle, you can make a bundle
From Sky TV
What have they got – better quality?
We’ve got Alan Shearer’s punditry(!)
We’ve got it all; we invented football
In the Premier League

The Eagles [Crystal Palace], they soar; the Tigers [Hull City], they roar
The Gunners [Arsenal], they fire; Sky Blue [Man City] thinkers inspire
Red Devils [Man United] aren’t bad but the Reds [Liverpool] are all sad
They don’t win like they think they should

The Black Cats [Sunderland] have luck; the Toffees [Everton] don’t suck
The Saints [Southampton] on the march; Blues [Chelsea] have an oligarch
The Hammers [West Ham] all pound, the Hoops [QPR] roll around
The same London neighbourhood

The Villains [Aston Villa], they thieve – Magpies [Newcastle] too, we believe
The Baggies [West Brom] say “boing!”, which is kind of annoying
Potters [Stoke] use clay, and you know they say
They all play long ball quite good

Foxes [Leicester] are sly, Swans [Swansea] go swimming by
Clarets [Burnley] decanted leave fans enchanted
Spurs [Spurs] spur themselves on, they’d like to have gone
To the Champions League if they could

In the Premier League
In the Premier League
Life here’s superior, you’ll be in the media
On Sky or BT
Everyone’s got opinions and hashtags
You could even marry a WAG
Life here’s fulfilling, you can make a killing
Life here’s a racket, you can still make a packet
Life here’s so brilliant, you can still make a million
In the Premier League

original song and music by Alan Menken and Howard Ashman (“Under the Sea”)