Teen Problems

Heal My Heart

2010-05-27T10:25:00.004+03:00

I am being in a relationship with a lady since year, 2003. after some years I proposed marriage to her, in year 2006 I, in company of my family reps. went to see her father and did the necessary things as per the first step of getting to know each families, initially the wedding was to hold in year, 2007 June to be precise. Then in January, 2007 I was retrenched from work alongside with her because we are both Police officers. Later in year, 2008 January I was re-instated and in July same year she was also re-instated. Then the marriage thing came back on track, putting some preps. into place, all this while we have been communicating and also seeing each other, though we are not in the same state of service because I was later transferred from the state we met and spent most of our time together, in July, 2009. Meanwhile every arrangement is on the going till the worst happen in the month of March, 2010. She called me to inform that a Soldier guy is interested in her hand in marriage, I was shocked, I asked whether she is into any relationship with the guy, she said no, that all the marriage prep. in been done with the mother and her elder sis, after sometime she called me again to tell that the Soldier guy has paid her dowry to her mother which was shared among the dad and the mom. I put more pressure to know what exactly is happening, then the shock of the decade came to me when she frankly told me on phone that she has been in relationship with the soldier guy in our retrenchment in year, 2007, but promised to sought things out by refunding the money paid to the guy and back on track with me, I can no longer take the deceit of all this years. NB. the lady in question was brought up by another person who she grew up to know as her father, that was the same man she introduced to me and the engagement was done there, now after knowing her real dad and mom decided to throw the efforts of the foster dad to the dogs, by introducing the soldier guy to her real mom and sis. where the marriage thing was contracted and dowry paid. The question why should she keep all this secrets from me for the past three years? Why should she now take this soldier guy to a different mom other than the one that brought her up? In conclusion, I have no option than to let go, and forge ahead with my life, I am writing because since then I have not been myself, thinking about her, about times we spent together and above all I am all alone, because I don't double-date. Pls. advise me.
- Dominic/ Nigeria.

# Damn!! This is a heart-shattering story. I am sorry to read this Mr. Dominic and would definitely like to help you heal sooner. I must say, you’re a strong man!! You’re doing the right thing. They say “when a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” As soon as you know about the triangle in a relationship, the best thing anyone can possibly do is to take a leave politely. That way we can have respect in the heart of our betraying partner. It might be hard, saddening and may seem difficult in the beginning, often you might end up being angry, feeling hurt due to deceit but it’s best to let go. You might have heard of this ridiculous saying that “girls are like train, one goes-another comes” Funny- as it may sound but sometimes it’s true. You will find a better one, don’t worry, you seem to be a nice guy. You have to forget her. In addition, there’s no point in loving someone who has been having extra relationship behind your back. Will you be able to trust her again? It’s disgusting, destroy everything that reminds you of her and move along with your life. There are lots of girls out there who are waiting for their perfect partner.

Time is a great healer of all wounds. Keep reminding yourself that you can make it through hard times too. You’re strong. This shall pass for sure. You are not alone in this. Almost all of us have felt such a tremendous pain of a broken heart at any point of time in life. Take it as a phase of life where you learn to get emotional maturity. Good Luck Dominic!!!

The below listed instructions might come in handy for all the viewers and fans of “Teen problems”

1. As soon as you find out that your partner is cheating on you, take a leave and have some time with yourself. Be alone. Cry if you have to and wash all the feelings for him/ her with it.
2. Realize that the relationship is over. Determine that you don’t need such a cheater in life no matter how much you love him/ her. Be prepared and gather courage to go through the pain of a broken heart. It hurts like hell. It’s the truth.
3. Destroy everything that reminds you of the cheater.
4. Share your feelings; speak your mind with your friends and family. Hang out more often with friends. You need to socialize more now.
5. Cheer yourself up, watch comedy movies, and play with friends. Don’t let your mind think about her, keep it busy.
6. Love yourself. This is the time when you have to show that you love yourself. Be more attractive, take care of yourself more.
7. Don’t think being a “Tragedy-king/ queen” is going to help you. Live your life, have fun, enjoy every bit of single social status and take full advantage of it. You might be able to make the cheater jealous if s/he notices you. But don’t display it intentionally to make her jealous. Just, just ignore him/ her completely.
8. Bear in mind, it’s not serious. This is all a part of life. We walk-we fall down. We love- we break. You are not alone in this.

-- Dr. Teen.

Angry and outta contact

2010-04-25T20:43:00.005+03:00

Hello, my name is Brad Shah. I have a problem with my friend. Actually, she is now far from me. We know each other since two years. The relation started just unknowingly. I love her so much and as far as I know she loved me a lot that no other girl can love. She is so innocent and cute. But as the time passed, we had a communication gap. Sometimes she used to send me sms but by mistake since the sms used to have no meaning related. I use to call her so many times and write her text 100 times. Sometimes I use to think I better forget her. But I never could do that. I always remember the talk we use to have. One day I just left my home country for further study. I was thinking to leave my country without telling her but I couldn't do that. So I told her one day before leaving my home. That day, she was asking me what I would do if she got married to the next person and I was silent hearing that question. And the tears fell down. But she told me not to worry. We had a long talk before leaving also. Then I came to London. After I reached here I called her. She got my number. And one day she called me but I couldn't receive her call. I was busy. She sent me a sms telling that she had called me. I then replied that I was busy and I didn't know it was her. Then the next day also she called me. I talked with her. I was so happy to hear her voice. We used to have chat also. I used to forget my pains when I used to have chat with her. Really, she was the most desiring person to me whom I use to love to share everything. One day I found that she was angry with me with some reason. I found the reason and so I called her. But she didn't receive my call. I send text. She didn't reply. Then we had a chat when she came online. But she was so angry with me. I tried to convince her but she didn't believe. From that day we have no communication. I never called her. Whenever I try to call her, I just cut after dialing. And never send text also. I tried to forget her also. But it was not just an attraction so what makes simple to forget. I tried to burn her photo also but I couldn't do that. Each time I remember her I can see her image clearly. When I walk, I can see her in front of me. It is about months that she hadn't called me, no communication at all. So, what may be the reason? Is this the little mistake that I did, that broke our relationship? Does she still love me? Should I call her so that I can make her clear? What should I do? Kind regards. Brad.

- Brad Shah/ London.

# Dear Brad, We have had a lot of discussions over here regarding Long distance relationship already. I guess, by now everyone has understood that a long distance relationship is very difficult to handle, yet, not impossible! But in order to go through a long distance relationship, both of the partners have to be very sincere to each other, dedicated and equally interested. Often anger, misunderstandings, disputes, complaints and stuffs like these tend to occur, after all, it’s all a part of life. No one can anticipate only happiness in life, isn’t it?

However, only they will make it through who has a strong will to keep the relationship alive; those who have the ability to continue relationship despite all the problems that may arise. Well, what else can I say? Consider all those problems as the test of your love and see whether each and every one of us do really pass or fail the test. That is the factor which decides whether one’s love will survive or die.

Alright, enough lecturing.... back to the problem at hand!! Brad, I think you’re not wrong from you side. You have done all you could but if she doesn’t believe you, that’s her problem. Anyways, don't think it's all over yet, give a few more tries. Yeah, call her up, tell her, “at least for the sake of the past, let’s make things clear once and for all.” If she doesn’t receive telephone, send her a mail or text whatever you prefer and tell her everything that you have in mind. May be your heart will lighten up, this way. If it’s really your mistake, never delay to apologize. Well, if I were on your shoes, I’d try to convince at the most for 3 times, then it’s up to her. If she really loves you and has the willing to continue with you, she’ll come back sooner or later. Meanwhile, you can have some space. Read some self-help books, self-improvement articles, gather with friends; share your sorrows with your best friends. Try not to think about her and prepare yourself for the worst because her answers can be anything also even if she doesn’t reply, you’ll get the answer from her silence, right? I wish you all the best, Good Luck.

Oh boy!! That was a tough one. Whew!! From my personal experience, I know it’s very painful to be in a long distance relationship but I still have the willingness to continue and I don’t give up easily. I wonder why sometimes “out of sight is out of mind” Okay, let’s not make it boring by my own bla bla bla. Actually, I wanted to list some steps, here, that will make a long distance relationship work. I’ll put it this way and sign off for now, love ya all.

1. Make the parameters of your relationship clear. Is it only for dating, boyfriend/ girlfriend, marriage, sex etc? It may seem an awkward question to ask but if things are clear later on, in the end, it’ll save us from heartache. Share what you expect from the relationship.
2. Do things together like watch movies, have a discussion over a topic, play online games together. Send surprises, love notes etc.
3. Communication, as being the foremost important factor, has to be regular or scheduled.
4. Don’t try to be controlling. Keep your space and live your life.
5. Talk about your future together. Make plans.
6. Avoid and tackle jealousy, be trusting, be positive. Maintain open communication, no hiding and no lying.
7. Give them personal object of yours, or which you’ve used for long so that when they miss you badly they can hold on to that thing.
8. Share ideas and views about balancing the relationship. Show that you really care and want the relationship alive.

-- Dr. Teen..

Long Distance + Third Girl !!!

2010-02-20T14:35:00.006+03:00

Hi, my name is Anna, 25 years old. I was in love with a guy whom I met in university. We were together for 6 months, but after graduation he went to other country for work, I saw him only few times in a year. It’s been, now 2 years, and it is very difficult to communicate with him because he is very busy and always travels between countries and sometimes he hasn't any tool to communicate with me. One time he told me about a girl, he knew from the company he worked in, and that she is very kind and cute, and when he was sick she stayed with him all the night. I was very jealous and the fight began. After that he told me that she wanted to change her company and he was very upset, then he didn't talk to me, even if I call him he is unavailable, so I tried not to call him, however, he returned my call but I didn’t answer him, it has already been 2 months now, but in my birthday he sent me his wishes, so I called him and we talked just for 3-4 minutes. Last time I talked to him was yesterday, by chatting, he told me that he want to take a vacation and return home for 20 days, but he also told me that he is afraid of seeing me, he is afraid to kiss me, I don't know why? And he told me he is very upset? And asked me a strange question, "When you miss something very special to you, and you know you can't have it, what you do to forget it?" and he told me that he is very upset. I don't know if he is still in love with me? What should I do when he comes back??? And if he still doesn’t want to see me what should I do? Thanks.

- Anna/ Place Undisclosed.

# Dear Anna, with the things you’ve mentioned in your mail, I do say that he has some kind of feelings for you too. But I’m afraid, I can’t judge his feelings. One thing is for sure that he takes you as a very good, trust-worthy friend because he shares a lot of things with you and does really care for you too. He might have his own reasons behind saying that he’s afraid to kiss you and see you but that doesn’t mean he will never see you and kiss you. Don’t despair yet. As far as the third girl is concerned, is he upset because she’s leaving the company or what? Things are not transparent on his side. However, the third girl is real kind indeed. It should not be shocking for you to know that he likes the third girl. Everyone will like such kindness during times of emergency. Instead of getting jealous and fighting over it, you should have taken it maturely and asked him to clarify his relationship with the third girl. Had she not been special, she should not be worth mentioning about to you.

LDR (Long Distance Relationship) is an understandably difficult commitment to honor especially while one is miles apart. It may be difficult but not impossible. Communication is the backbone of any LDR. In your case, Anna, this is lacking, which could be a major hindrance. Patience is another requirement. Impatient people never succeed in a LDR. Trust should help maintaining a LDR. Jealousy and doubts may arise from time to time, but you’ve to practice overcoming it. Stay positive. Anyways, Anna just keep it cool whether he comes back to see you or not. If he does, it’s okay and if he doesn’t you’ll get the answers, right?

Why don’t we point down some DOs and DON’Ts for all those having a LDR? Here, I’ll list them down.

DOs
1) Establish an effective communication channel
2) Plan to meet each other
3) Build hobby that you can both share
4) Surprise your partner
5) Capture and share that interesting moment.

DON’Ts
1) Settle for a temporary replacement
2) Take the relationship lightly
3) Wait and see attitude
4) Doubt & Suspect
5) Succumb to negative comment on LDR & negative thoughts.

Now I hope it's easier for anybody to figure out whether the relationship is working or not. If any of the DOs lack or DONTs exist then, better take your hands off such relationship.

-- Dr. Teen.

Learning to Love

2010-02-11T08:22:00.016+03:00

Hi, my name is Desiree Garza I’m 15 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months and 3 days today. Last night we was arguing and he told me he doesn’t want to be with me and I don’t understand why but I think I pushed him to much because I kept asking him on the phone if he wants to still be with me and he kept telling me he was tired and it made me feel like if he was avoiding my question and I started getting mad and I told him if you don’t want to be with me then man up and tell me but I think I pushed him to much because then he said what you know, "No, I don’t! Is that what you want to hear?" and then he hung up on me and when I tried calling back he didn’t want to answer so I went to sleep and when I woke up for school I tried to call him but he was already gone but I know where he goes after school should I go over there and talk to him face to face or just let time work its magic? But if I do that I’m worried I might give him too much time and I don’t want to let him go. He is the first boy I have ever been with and I’m not used to this please I need help what do I do? Should I go over there after school? Or should I call him? Or should I wait and see if he calls me? And if he doesn’t how can I let him go? I don’t know what to do help me I’m so confused.

- Desiree Garza/ 406 oakwood ave (?)

# Dear Desiree, it’s good that you seek guidance from us. Things aren’t always on our favor dear. Life goes through a lot of thick and thin. And in love life also we should never anticipate happiness and pleasure only. Our expectations should never be high. Sometimes we fight, sometimes we cheer, sometimes we makeup and sometime breakup. But then again, this is life.

Well, without much a-do. Let me tell you that nothing is wrong in your relationship. It’s a normal glitch. Depending upon our mood, sometimes we are rough and sometime gentle to our partner. I think asking the same question over and over again irritated him so infuriated him. Don’t worry, just give him some space. Stay calm until he cools down. Then meeting him would be better. I don’t think he’s going to call you soon enough because he seems angry already. So, you have to make the move and apologize for making him angry. Then gradually things should turn to your favor.

Good Luck !

-- Dr. Teen.

Frantic Phone Calls

2010-01-28T10:50:00.024+03:00

Hi! I am Hardik and I love a girl named Twinkle. It was all going so far- so good but all of a sudden, this morning a man by the name, Nitin called me and said "I’ve had physical relationship with Twinkle, if you don’t believe you can ask anyone.” I am confused now. Upon asking Twinkle, she denies it. However, on the other hand even my close relatives tell me that she’s not a girl of substance. Now what shall I do? Please please please help me...please friends…... My E-Mail Id is *********@gmail.com. Thank You...
- Hardik/ Ahmedabad, Gujarat- India.

# Thank you Hardik, for sending us your problem. Well, just so someone calls you up and tells you that “Aap ki girlfriend ke saath meine ………… blah blah”, don’t go behind such bullshits. In addition, your girlfriend has also denied the fact. So, I guess there’s no problem at all.

However, on the other hand even your close relatives are not happy with your relation with her. Then, I suggest you to go for a reality check. Ask those relatives, who are not supporting your love, if they can show you any sign or proof- kind of thing. How well do your relatives know her? I mean, do they live nearby each other that they are aware of each other’s personal life to some extent? If you want Hardik, call back Nitin and have a friendly talk with him. Inquire him why he is saying such things and if he can provide any proof. If they can’t provide you any proofs, you should get all those craps out of your mind and start building trust within you.

Cheers, all the best!

-- Dr. Teen.
[Note: Email Id undisclosed for privacy reasons]

Infidelity- Sex with another girl.

2009-11-21T23:14:00.023+03:00

I had love-arrange marriage with my 3 yrs long relation bf. I love him so much and so does he. We live together now but when he was alone here he had sex with a girl. He intentionally did that. Later on I knew this otherwise, I would not have married him. He had relation with that girl for 2 months, had sex 17 times with and without condom.Shall I leave him? Shall I stay with him thinking that he really loves me? Shall I live in insecurities? May be, in future also... I had always been in this problem. No matter what my man does but he has to sleep with me only. But he did not care and made this blunder. “Jati gare pani birsinai sakdina. 104 degree jworo aaune gari kute, 4 palta. Jati kute pani thapi rakhchha”, He tells, "I did mistake so I had to face this". I
love him so much, can’t live without him. He only does what I like, “farkera jawaf pani laudaina”. I shout at him all the time, relate that matter in everything. What shall I do to make my life happy?He is my first and last love and I did not have physical relation. I can’t think of betraying him. Is there any medicine to forget that matter? He really loves me and says that was a blunder ‘cause I was not with him and situation made him do so. If it was an accident, I would have forgiven but it’s not only once. Help me!!! Give me the solution.

- Shreya/ U.S.A

# Okay, what have we got here- another example of infidelity, but this time it’s the problem of a married couple and a man’s trust-worthiness is in question, unlike earlier problem. Please have a review of earlier problem from here and I’ll go to the solution for this one right away.

Love & sex are vastly different in meaning yet so inter-connected with each other (why?). Truthfully, they should not be related at all. Love is a feeling; kind of like that you will stop breathing if that person isn’t around, it’s the emotional bond between 2 people. Whereas sex is just a physical need for pleasure and procreation. I honestly feel that having sex without loving the person is just a quench to your physical need. Dogs have sex, lions have sex, and any male/female can have sex. But to make love to someone you have those feelings for is a privilege to share that intimate moment with someone you love is so fulfilling, and probably the best sex. It defies explanation. I got a feeling this hasn’t helped you at all, but look at it this way, you can have sex with anyone (Don’t, but !!), you don’t have to love someone to have sex, but if you love someone you will want to have sex with them.

Anyways, my point is he might have had sex with the other lady not made love. And from his attitude and apologize, we can say that he wants to work out on the relationship. May be it’s not a bad idea to give a LAST & FINAL chance but if and only if, you still love him and you can’t live without him. You might want to take the family, children (if any), your economics & your general survival into account when pondering a split-up.

Marriages don't work with this kind of things going on. Infidelity and adultery would surely rattle up any relationship easily. It has to stop and I hope it will for good, but keep your eyes open and discern what is happening. The trust will take a long time to be built again, but it is up to him to win it again. Time will heal your pain and mend your broken heart. Sorry to say but no quick-fix exists. Both of you’ll have to go through all the traumas and start re-building the trust and husband has to play the key role here by showing commitment to the relationship. If both spouses sincerely want the marriage to continue and are willing to work on it, then it is possible to have a healthy relationship again. You guys should take it as a wake-up call. I hope under-mentioned points might be helpful, as well:

Take a good care of yourself first.

Return to your normal activities only after you have calmed down and begin work on repairing the relationship.

Ask if the affair is over and if your spouse wants to work on rebuilding your trust and your marriage.

Talk with your cheating hubby about how you plan to deal with the affair and lay out a list of demands. Talk until you reach agreement on how you will move forward.

Set clear guidelines of what is expected in order to regain your trust. Be very clear about your expectations and that you will settle for nothing less.

Pry and spy on your spouse until you are satisfied that the cheating is over. You must know if actions match words.

Forgive completely. A heart that holds resentment cannot be mend. You may need to get help for yourself in order to forgive your partner.

Find and use one confidant with whom to share your pain.

Your words are empty if you are not prepared to follow through with your threats of leaving.

Do not accept excuses. It’s entirely your husband’s immorality and lack of self-control.

Do not blame yourself.

Do not tell everyone about the infidelity.

-- Dr. Teen.

Sex before Marriage- Yes/ No?

2009-11-17T10:17:00.017+03:00

I am a girl, 18. I’m in a relationship for about 5-6 years. He is a year older than me. His family is aware of our relationship and most of his family members accept me. We totally trust each other. We are ready to do anything for each other. Recently my friend had sex with her boyfriend. She talks about it all the time, how this has taken their relationship to next level. They are more into each other. And hearing all that I also want to take my relationship to next level. I know I will marry him one day, after our education, of course. But is it okay if I have sex with him now??? Or should I ignore this feeling and never think about it until we get married.

- Nikita/ Ktm.

# I read somewhere that Romance in relationship is like a fuel, it keeps the relationship burning never letting it burn out. Since, you are already 18; it’s absolutely natural to feel this way. You are committed in your relationship and as per what you have written about your man, I think you are one of the luckiest person around here. Well, personally I would say go for it, if you want it. Bear in mind that in almost every aspects of life, there’s always pros and cons. Some might say its not good before marriage, some others will say it’s okay.

You and your partner trust each other, are committed to each other, have no problems at all. On top of it, you are already accepted by his family; hence, I see no reason that you should hold your desire.

However, let me also remind you the importance of ‘FIRST NIGHT’. Trust me first night, is the night of unforgettable excitement, spine chilling situation. You feel shy yet there’ll be no denial from either of you. Just imagine what an awkward but wonderful time that would be. Everything, every event has a specific perfect time, and you can take the fullest out of any event if you perform it in the correct time and situation. If you want to experience your first night earlier than the official first night, then you are going to miss the whole point of first night concept. You would not enjoy your official first night as much as you are supposed to, isn’t it?

The rest is up to you and your boyfriend. Good luck.

-- Dr. Teen.

Ssssmokin' Problem of Sola

2009-11-14T10:27:00.014+03:00

I have one girl. She is my friend. We had our friendship before 2 years. From that time she was interested on me but I didn't care. Before some months she cared me as if she was my closest friend. Then I was also interested in her. Later I proposed her. She said 'yes' but I was in bad habit like smoking. One day I told her about it, Than she was angry with me and went. I tried a lot to convince her, finally she agreed and I promised not to smoke. But I kept it up. Many of her friends told her bad about me. And one day she saw me smoking, then she just became angry and left me . we had spend a lots of time together and I really love her. But she does not understand me. Now she does not talk to me. She does not receive my phone calls, she does not want to meet me even. But I can't live without her. Now what shall i do?

- Sola/ Chandragadi.

# Trust is one of the most important thing that you should keep to make a long-lasting relation. No matter how small the promises are but it really hurts when a beloved breaks his/her promises. How would you feel if she had done the same to you? Smoking is a bad habit physically, physiologically and financially yet, that doesn't mean every smokers are bad. Here in your case what I think is; More than smoking, it's about trust, promises and the image of a perfect boyfriend to your girlfriend.

Hurry up man, realize your mistakes, go and try to convince her before its too late, try to be a better man for your girlfriend. You don't like your girl friend to find another better than you, do you? Promise her that you'll never repeat the same again, not only by words but be practical. Also ask her frankly what her friends had told about you. If it's true then you should apologize and try to overcome those bad habits. Peace talks can resolve anything, I assume, apparently. And please for the sake of your love, ask her to do you a favor. Ask her to support and help you quit smoking. I will also give you some suggestions to help you quit smoking.

1. You should create a strong will to quit smoking
2. If you feel like smoking, tell your self I'll smoke after another hour, not now, again after another hour repeat the same. Challenge yourself.
3. Use anti-smoking gum, or any such medications.
4. Ask everyone around you to discourage you from smoking
5. Make a daily success chart, How less you smoked today, and reward yourself for smoking less, from the money you saved by not buying cigarettes.

And I am certain, if you have a really strong desire to quit smoking, if you really want to prove your love to her, you'll be able to quit smoking and have a problem-free love life.

-- Dr. Teen.

Speaking Confidently

2009-11-05T10:49:00.002+03:00

Hi! I am Raghini studying bachelor, 2nd year. My problem is that I get nervous while speaking with other persons apart from my friends and family, and everyone says my voice sounds so low and unclear. They often ask me to speak loudly but I think that my voice is okay. so, what should I do to overcome this situation so that I can get confidence in my voice while talking with another person?

- Raghini/ Singapore.

# Hummmm …… it's quite normal to feel terrified, nervous at the prospect of getting up to speak in front of an unfamiliar people and/or group, especially in front of a mass. Do your legs seem to tremble, your breathing seems to get short and fast, and you might not find the perfect word in your brain for anything that you might want to say. That's what happens, I assume. It happens to most of us at times in our life.

As with anything, the more you do, the more confident, and skilled, you get. So, the only solution for this is practice. Practice talking to yourself in front of a mirror, or ask a friend to volunteer you in delivering dialogues, a speech or talk about any topic. You can also record your voice in different ways of speaking and self-analyze it for volume leveling, then finally pick the best tone & volume suitable for you. (or, let’s say the best you think for your audience). Please, take into consideration, the following points while speaking;

1. Breathing properly is the foundation of all successful speaking, breathe slowly and deeply.

2. Let your muscles relax, especially around the abdomen. You can control these muscles by proper breathing.

3. Sometimes you can, hum. Aim to feel a tingle on your lips and in your sinuses. Humming helps bring your voice 'forward', might be a good start. (See! like I did at the start, hahahaha)

4. Don’t be nervous when you make mistakes. Human error is far from being a new concept — nobody is perfect! It is normal for everyone to make mistakes. Just calm down and keep speaking bravely.

5. Don’t be afraid. Don’t be shy. Don’t think you can’t.

Above all, take it easy, relax and enjoy talking.

-- Dr. Teen.

Infidelity- Sex with another guy

2009-11-04T10:28:00.006+03:00

Now, I am in US and my gf is in Nepal. We are planning to get married after 2 years when I will go to Nepal. I used to talk hours with her through phone, chat, Skype etc and sometimes we use to talk about sex also. One day she told me that she had done one blunder mistake and that is she had sex with other guy there in Nepal. I was shocked when I heard about this. I could not believe her. How could any girl do that and even tell the one about such thing who is going to be her partner in future? It is taboo in our culture. I again asked her to make assure as I think a girl will never tell about such thing to anyone even though they had done that. So, is it possible in our country for a girl to take such big leap and even had guts to tell this thing to her partner? I think she is telling me this to know whether my love is true or not as all guys will feel reluctant to get married to such girl who had sex with other guy when their love life is still running? What should I do? Should I forgive her and get married? But this thing will keep on running in my mind. Is it acceptable?

- Rajan/ California, USA.

# Nice try to logic her statement Rajan bro, I’d say that particular statement of having sex with another guy, as she highlights it as a blunder mistake, was the biggest turn off for you. See! Now you ended up thinking and thinking, using your logical part of the brain, getting confused and indecisive, jealous, and angry. Infidelity sucks!! It just does, and it’s a tough uphill battle to win back the trust and respect, you once had for the cheater. Yup, she’s a cheater and there’s a saying ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’. It’s a direct assault on your egos and manhood. A lot of it has to do with trust.

Anyways, in your case Rajan, let’s talk about what if it’s true because if it’s not true, there is no problem at all (Dr. Teen= N/A, Hahahah), still you have to warn your girl not to play filthy pranks like this. That's not the way love should be tested. Besides, love should never be tested. Only those who don't love deeply and trust their partner try such things. And yes, it’s possible for a girl to talk like that with her someone special, everything is possible.

I do not expect you to forgive your cheating girlfriend immediately, but take some time to think of your relationship with her. Is she worth to be forgiven? Are you still in love with her deeply? If your girlfriend is remorseful of what she had done, it may not also be a bad thing to give her another chance. If she's worth it, work it out, forget the incident and never again talk about it or don’t ever use it as ammunition against her in case of any dispute in future, but if you're not sure you can trust her again, you may not be ready to continue down this road with her, and you'd be completely within your rights to walk away from the relationship. Things would have been different and you would have had to think twice before quitting with her, if you guys had been married. But hey, she’s just your girlfriend and a cheating girlfriend. So, be brave and decide. Whatever your decision will be you won’t be wrong and questionable.

Cheating is wrong and it will take a lot to earn that trust back. Okay let’s do one thing. Try to find out what degree of cheating was it. Was it planned, re-occurring and intentional? (First degree- Worst case and can’t be forgiven at all) or was it short, out of her hand, all of a sudden or due to the force of the other guy? (Second degree- Normal case- and sometimes can be forgiven depending on how much she regrets and what led to such incident)

Relationships are based upon trust and mutual respect. Love and sex are two different aspects of life but we are not dogs, are we? Wherever you feel the urge, hump in, No!! No!! No!! Some morally corrupt, sexually desperate people do it. Personally, if I were in such scenario, I would forgive and forget, forget the cheater.

-- Dr. Teen.

Rekindle a Love- How

2009-10-31T11:57:00.008+03:00

What actually a girl wants from their partner? I cannot understand what actually a girl wants from their partner/ bf. I found that they want love and security. But why they change their bf so frequently if they will find any other guy who is near to her and support her. Why a girl feel that her bf do not love her as before who is in a long distance and they change their bf and also do not let ex-bf to know about this? Do we need to tell our gf frequently the three magic word "I love you" frequently to make them feel that we still love them as before. Why so? How could we make our gf to have same passion in love as before even though we are far apart?

- Biswas, Brisbane/Australia.

# Very well dude, like I already mentioned in earlier posts, we have no control over others’ feelings. What we can/ might do best on our part is that we should be in touch with them, care for them, let them feel how special they are to us, and pay attention to them. In almost all cases girls are always having more guys around them, it’s quite normal. Boys are always trying to entice, impress and lure them, but it’s entirely up to the girls whether or not to give them a lift, and respond positively to the other guys trying to come closer, show care, love and support. Some girls are very weird, with very poor self esteem and have a strange way of comparing guys.

All girls are not same, so there might be different reasons to why they change their bf so frequently. May be they don’t feel like they are getting enough care and attention from us or may be, they are not happy with us or don’t see a secure future ahead with us. May be they just can’t help controlling their raging hormones. And yes, when there is distance, they’ll miss all these things from us, the one they love, the one they expected all these from. About maintaining relationship in distance, please refer to the earlier post, “Long Distance Relationship” in Teen problem section.

Bishwas bro, I would say she’s not your perfect love, because perfect love doesn’t need to change anything. Moreover, why do you want such a girl who keeps changing her boyfriend, every now and then. Be a man, don’t let the girls stalk you. But still, if you want to know how to rekindle your love, then start it off by understanding her better. Of course, you’ll have to care and pay attention to her even more. Make scheduled communications but more frequent than before. Now that you’ve already realized distance is affecting your affair, then try to minimize it. No! I don’t mean go back to Nepal and leave all the rest to hell. But try to be there for her by other means like via internet or telephone calls, letters as well. But be careful not to take away her wish of having some space, don’t go hard and fast, take it easy and be cool, be confident. Don’t chase her. Be a man, have self respect in you. All the best.

-- Dr. Teen.

Victim of Break-up

2009-10-28T10:07:00.002+03:00

I’m working in abroad since 1 yr...I am 19, guy, I love a girl so much that I see everything in her. But our family is not accepting us....still this is our 3 yrs running...when I was in Nepal we used to sleep together so I think, I don’t have to say how close we are, but this year she asked me breakup. I don’t get anything. How come this happen n why this is happenning!!!!! But after 2 days I call her n just let her go...she told me she want to concentrate in her study n I even asked her “do u have another bf?” but she said I have no one...now will u plz tell me why she is doing this???? What could b the reason that she is doing this to me??? Even I already let her go, I am still waiting for her to come back m I doing right or not?? thx.....

- Victim/ Nepal.

# Dear Mr. Victim, you are really in an awful situation. Sorry to hear about this but bro. please don’t loose yourself. We have no control over situation and esp. others’ feelings, which may take a U-turn at any moment. Virtually everyone has been dumped at some time in their life. I certainly have - so I know it hurts like hell. The pain is sometime so palpable that we could well be suffering from a physical illness along with the mental problems.

Even after 3 years of such intimacy, if she needs break-up, if she dares to break up, then better give her a break. Give her some time to think. You did the right thing by letting her go. I assume that at this time she will not be willing to share the truth with you like earlier. So, all of your questions would just be waste of words. None of her answers will satisfy you, because you don’t want break up. And if she wants breakup she’ll make any stupid excuses she likes. (What a stupid reason?? She wants to concentrate on her studies so she broke up though love and study are 2 different aspects of life, which can be balanced, as we have already mentioned in earlier posts)

Losing someone you love leaves you with a dull, heavy weight in your chest that often, without warning, explodes into lacerating pain. This torment makes you long for a time when life was easier, so you tend to hope that your ex will return - sometimes even after a couple of years of single-living.

Try to see single status as a fresh and fun opportunity instead of a punishment. The most important thing to remember at this point is that you will get over this. I know it does not seem like it right now, but you will, believe me later on.

Let’s try to help you out by this LEARN method, by Christine Webber, psychotherapist and lifecoach

L= LIST all the things about your ex-partner that you did not like. Pin it up in your room so that you see it daily. Write it all down and start realizing that you don’t want such a looser in your life. You deserve better than her.

E= EXPRESS your feelings with your best friends, like you are throwing away your feelings for her via your mouth.

A= APPRECIATION of yourself, that is, you need to look at yourself in the mirror and focus on your best features. Do not blame yourself. If she dumps such a loving person like you, then it’s her loss, not yours.

R= RE-ORGANIZE and prepare yourself. This is a time when you need a whole new circle of mates of both genders. After a relationship is finished, we tend to think that we can never be loved again. This is not true, of course, but it is what we believe at the time.

The fact is that there is every probability you will be loved again. Not by your ex-partner, of course: you will never again share exactly what you had in that relationship, but you can have just as important feelings or even better with someone else. So prepare yourself for it.

N= NO SEX WITH YOUR EX! The trouble is that sex and closeness might make you feel loved and wanted temporarily, but it will leave you with more sorrow and confusion afterwards. So do not do it. If your ex begs to come back and try again, then you can make a decision at some time later about whether or not you will give it a go, but never have sex before this point.

Anyway, the chances are that with all the suffering you have gone through and all the work you have done on yourself to get your act together, your ex-partner will be the very last person you want to be with! That’s why you are still waiting for her to come back. The sooner you realize that your relation is over, the sooner you’ll feel better.

-- Dr. Teen

Maya- Unable to stand distance in love

2009-10-27T12:36:00.003+03:00

Relationship started 5 years back. It’s been 1 year now he is out of country for his further studies. I love him a lot so does he but he doesn’t have time for me for he is busy with work and college and whenever we meet online we end up fighting on that or other issues and after we fight he doesn’t contact me for few days which I strongly dislike. I even told him I hate when he does that but still he repeats it every time. But whenever I ask him for a break up he begs me not to leave, he tells me he loves me a lot. I need help.

- Maya/ Thamel.

# With all due wishes, I’d like to address this solution not only to Maya but also her boyfriend. And I believe this is yet another long distance relationship, once again.

Ok guys, it’s time to grow up and be a little bit stronger now ‘cause things aren’t the same as they used to be a year back. You two aren’t together now; you two can’t see each other, hear each other whenever you want. You have to admit it. Try to get a hold of yourself and realize this fact. I know there are times when either of you long for each other’s company at some best & worst times. Too bad, things have changed; times have changed now you too have to change.

@Maya: Whenever you meet him after such a long interval of time probably you start your conversation with complaints and anger for not keeping in touch with you for long. Try to be mature. He might be stuck with friends or roommates, or doing some assignments, project works, or even at workplace or college. He might be having hardly any free time. So, instead of showing your dissatisfaction, try to comfort him when he’s chatting with you after so long. And obviously he’ll be out of contact if you enrage him. May be he too thinks kind of like this- “I spare some of my time for my loved one, still she’s always quarrelling with me. Instead of being happy for the meeting, she’s picking out issues from the past when I didn’t have time for her due to which she had to suffer the agony of loneliness.” Yes, Maya forget the past when he’s chatting with you, enjoy that particular time; love and be loved. You, asking him for break-up for small-small reasons, show your immaturity and lack of understanding. The bottom line is that he loves you and he doesn’t want to break up according to those lines in your problem, however, he’s having a hard time to get in touch with you possibly due to some unavoidable reasons.

@Maya’s bf: Hey dude, it takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone but at times, it takes an eternity to prove that you love someone. Long distance relationship requires special handling, extra care, and a little more attention. You ought to check this link http://babbaal.com/problems.php?id=1019

-- Dr. Teen

Sama- Feeling Insecure.

2009-10-26T11:43:00.007+03:00

I m 25 aged, just married a month back. Its love-arrange marriage after 3 yrs of relation. We love each other lot but I have a problem that I don’t look good and he is handsome so that I want him not to talk with anyone. He is very responsible person. He won’t betray me, I know. He does not have friends also still I feel if he talks with any gal at work place or anywhere and have sex then.... oh god! I had not this kind of fear before but I don’t know why. Kukurlai ghiu napacheko ho yo? He also has to update me every time at work. He does also coz he loves me but still I m not secure. What shall I do? He is such a good guy still I feel insecure. He does not smoke n drink. He is so family-oriented.

- Sama/ Nepal.

# Although, not exactly a teen problem, I would like to put some words on this one for Sama.

Marriage, in Nepal, is a union of a man and a woman, which is not only bounded by mutual consent but also by our tradition, culture and mythical beliefs. As such, marital relations in Nepal are stronger, hence, won’t break easily as so called teenage love does. To sustain a marriage it is important that there is effort from both sides, then only a marriage can carry on. A successful marriage is like a good recipe whose main ingredients are love, commitment, understanding, concern and togetherness.

Firstly, I think you should boost your self-esteem Sama. Don’t feel so low about yourself. You may be able to help yourself quite swiftly by reading some good books. Your feeling of insecurity is a very common marriage problem, happens to most of us at some point of time after marriage. It is a feeling that arises when you begin to think and listen too much to others and the possibilities of the world. When there is true love between two people, insecurity does not exist.

Try these things, which might help you:
1. Keep your self esteem high, don’t feel low about yourself. (He loves you and you are beautiful to him, that’s why he married you)
2. Feeling insecure is normal, but don’t drown in this feeling. Be practical and always look for the bright side, even at times of any issues such as he comes late from office, he couldn’t talk to you on the phone etc. Try to think of the positive reason.
3. Share your feelings with your husband in a friendly manner. Don’t say “I doubt you” or “I have a suspicious feeling towards you”. Express it in a caring manner and let him feel that you need more attention and a little bit more time from him.
4. If you fear he’ll have sex with whoever he talks in office than, maybe it is your obsessive love that’s creating such fear in you. Try to change yourself. However, u may want to learn how to please your husband in bed. If he’s satisfied with you, you need not worry.

We can conclude by the quote of Barnett Brickner, which says it all that "Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.”

-- Dr. Teen.

Maria- Desperately in Unexpressed Love

2009-10-25T12:35:00.008+03:00

I really love a boy, in my age for 2 years and I used to text him as the friend of a girl, who likes him but now we don’t talk. He would never think that I’m in love with him and I don’t want to tell him that I like him. I think that he doesn’t like me at all. Once he said that I’m annoying without even knowing me.... my motto is never give up but I think that this time I will. Once he said I’m good looking but that’s not enough!! I am desperate!! I love him!! I think of him all the time!! I really, really LOVE him!! My feelings are very complicated!! I think that I just don’t want to stop loving him but I also think that I have to. I don’t want to get hurt. I can’t tell him that I love him. I’m very shy in this kind of stuff. I am not positive with his answer. Please help!! There’s more in this story. Whenever I say that this is the time to give up something happens and I say I will try. For example; once he closed his eye to me and he was looking at me from the top to the toes! Please help!! If you do I will really appreciate it very, very much!! thanx!!

- Maria.

# Honestly Maria, it would be my pleasure to help you out. Don’t panic, just keep patience and flow with the wind of time. Don’t anticipate the future in the way that’ll make you desperate. Leave the results for the future and try your level best to attract him. These are the few things that you should start doing right away: Don’t be afraid of getting hurt by telling him that you love him. However, if you can’t tell him verbally then say it by your expressions; tell him by your care, by your love and by the special attention you pay to him. Try to get near him, Maria. Don’t be shy. Because that’s the only way you can move ahead if you want to begin a new relationship. Fine, don’t tell him now, “I love you” but express it. Try to be his friend, then best friend and so on…

Earlier, we had given hints on how to attract women, but this time I think, our topic is How to attract men. So, all you babbaal-lovers and babbaal-viewers out there, here’s to you and especially to you, Maria-

1. Look Attractive. No, no...Don’t dress like Christina Aguilera. But do make yourself attractive to men. Guys like those skin tight pocket less (half) jeans, minis n micros but you'll be more fun if you're comfortable. On a second thought, find out the image of his Ms. Right and dress like her. (Simple isn’t it!)

2. Don't dwell on all the negative things in your life. Be positive and upbeat.

3. Under no circumstances talk about your ex-boyfriend, you can tackle those subjects later.

4. Flirt. This is the starting point of any hook ups. There's nothing wrong with a little playfulness. If done right, flirting isn't leading a man on. It's an invitation to get to know you. Besides, it's fun.

5. Get Out There. Once again, this is common sense. If you never get into the scene, you're never going to be seen. So, let him know that you too are there for him.

6. Remember that men like women with confidence. If you like who you are, they'll like who you are.

7. Notice what a man is wearing and compliment him. Men often go to a lot of trouble to look good, but rarely get as many compliments as women do.

8. Find out what he's interested in.

9. Be supportive, caring and fun to be with.

-- Dr. Teen.

Jessica's Glitch

2009-10-24T10:37:00.012+03:00

What would u say to a guy who thinks u are crazy but he is a freak and sexy and u wanna come and see him on monday so u can work things out with him. But if he doesn’t reply to the texts or emails but if he did yell would argue. What would u do knowing u really wanna work things out. Ok I liked this guy and he is too good looking so as things started to grow with him I kinda got a li’l crazy or obsessed with him but I didn’t mean to. I mean, as we started to talk I could see things I never ever seen in any other guy I been with. We were almost there until I messed it up so there was no relationship formed. He won’t even talk to me, nor text me back. What can I say to him, what can I do? I really gotta straighten things out between me and him he’s got all I ever wanted in a guy and he was almost mine.

- Jessica/ Washington- U.S.A

# Okay, here we are again with a Love glitch that’s all the way from Washington, US.

Jessica, it would have been better if you had revealed what went wrong between you two so you’re desperately trying to straighten things out with him. I understood you like him a lot, love him a lot. He’s your Mr. Perfect. However, without knowing the full story I might not be able to sort out your problem in a satisfactory manner. Anyhow, here I go…..

If texts and emails are unanswered then how about a meeting, personal and up-close, I hope that should work. Or otherwise, invite him for a dinner or a coffee. Try to make him notice you either by your dress-up or personality etc. You have to be a little nosy in the beginning, which shows you’re concerned. Let the texts and emails be unanswered, no problem, as long as he reads it. Send him greeting texts, Hello-Hi, appreciation texts etc on a regular interval of time but be careful enough not to be buggy. If you think it’s your fault, messed everything up, then an apology is necessary. Cheers….and good luck.

-- Dr. Teen

Problem from Central Africa

2009-10-23T23:22:00.012+03:00

I’m a 22 year old single, mother of one. I met a guy 2 months ago. I’m mixed and he’s white. Our cultures are totally different. I would love to get married soon but he in 10 years. But I’m sure he can change his mind about that. We started having sex a month after we met and now I’ve developed feelings for him. When I told him how I felt, he told me he liked me too but has just come out of a 3yr relationship and isn’t ready for another. So far, we've slept together 3 times and he treats me really well. He calls me all the time and tells me he likes spending time with me and is crazy about me. He is my ideal man and would marry him in a heartbeat and he loves kids and is great with my son. How can I get him to change his mind and get him to commit to me?

- Amaani/ Central africa.

# A huge thanks to Amaani for writing all the way from Central Africa.

Very little do I know about African culture, but as far as I know, in African perspective too, marriages depend on culture & tribe and follow Matrilineal Kinship which is just the reverse compared to our Nepalese culture. When a man and a woman come together they need to work hard to get to their objectives. Since you two are from different cultures, it might become a hindrance. Also there’s always a big difference between “like” and “love”.

If he’s not ready, there’s nothing you can do, I guess. However, loving him and expecting the same from him is under your control so, continue with it. The best way for you, Amaani, is to hope for the best and wait until he turns back to you and says, “Okay, let’s marry.” You are mature enough to understand. Don’t go on haste, HASTE OFTEN MAKES WASTE. Wait and observe, and by that time, you’ll be able to judge your feeling too as well as his. Wish you all the best.

-- Dr. Teen.