Last weekend, the city put on the Bite of Seattle; which reminded me of the Taste of Cincinnati but cyberpunk. The venue was just the entirety of Seattle Center set up with food tents in all directions; surrounding you. The experiment, as I’ve taken to calling it, was that every tent had brandless, fontless names printed on white banners, and you ordered from an app.

The interesting thing about ordering from the app was that you still had to wait in line to scan a QR code for some reason. It certainly took away the awful encounter of shouting at an iPad operator over the counter, but, as you waited for your food and saw everyone walking away, you realized how drab it all really was.

— —

When I say that this was the most boring Food Truck experience of my life, I am not lying. The Mexican spot, if you can call it that, was just spice. Which, good on that white guy for digging through his cabinet, but that’s about all it had going for it. 

The taco was served with what the chef referred to as a Prickly Pear Soda. As someone who lived in Nevada for a few years, I understand that Prickly Pear doesn’t really have a flavor. But, think of how Blue Raspberries don’t really exist. Yet you still know what they taste like, don’t you? Everybody in the South West knows what Prickly Pear tastes like, and it wasn’t that.

We chalked that one up as a quick failure and decided to just try again. Something that would be the opposite of that. So, we ordered dumplings from the app and waited in line to scan our code. 

I wanted so badly for the last place to be a fluke, but sad to say, it wasn’t. The dumplings weren’t even fully cooked. The filling was non-existing, like they had forgotten to even put the soup in. And the dough was so thick that the center may as well have been raw.

— —

We needed something to cleanse our palates; to remind us that there was still good food in Seattle. That it wasn’t a mistake to move all the way up here. So, we decided to walk around and look for that one thing that will never let you down: dessert. 

After a few minutes of meandering, I noticed the one place in the whole area that looked established: a bright, pink van with their name printed on the side. I won’t advertise their name for free, but think of the first pun that comes to mind with the word ‘pie’ in it. It was something close to that. I promise. 

We ordered a slice of the cookies and cream and waited for a good 5 minutes. Let me tell you, that pie did not last 2 minutes. We devoured every last bite of it within seconds. That was one of the single greatest pieces of pie that I have ever eaten in my entire life. And, it got me thinking why this one stood out among the others. Why was there such a large contrast?

— —

I think what I witnessed was the most Seattle thing imaginable. What I thought was a food truck festival was actually a Ghost Kitchen festival. After all, the most Seattle thing possible is for corporate investment bros to prophet off of a local gathering of people enjoying craft items.

It would explain the amateur cooking with mid-2000s dishes that exist only to sound good on paper. It would also explain the complete lack of branding. 

This poses the question: are Ghost Kitchens the future of the food industry? 

From my experience at the Bite of Seattle, I hope not.

Rule number 1: Google Maps is terrible! Forget the conveniences that you’ve been depending on. You can no longer type in a destination, hop in your metal box, and get there at the exact estimated arrival time. Oh no, that would be too easy. One time, Google told me that the best way to get to the grocery store was to walk 18 minutes up the street and hop on the bus for one stop across a foot bridge.

Check your local government’s website to see what resources they offer. Here in Seattle, King County Metro has a fairly good trip planner. It’s a little clunky, but it does the trick, and 9 times out of 10, it’s better than taking the suggested Google route.

For a lot of you in the Midwest, or God forbid the South, however, you’d be lucky if your local government even had a website. In this case, I suggest getting familiar with the  ‘Depart At’ feature. If you play around with it and look through the available routes, you can still come up with a pretty solid trip. Another thing I’d suggest to take a look at the ‘Arrive By’ feature. A lot of people don’t know that it’s there, but it’s super handy when you’re trying to get somewhere time sensitive like a movie or work.

——

Alright, so you’ve got your route planned and you’re ready to take the bus for the first time. The second thing to consider is how to not stick out like a soar thumb. You want to look like you’ve done this a million times.

First off, do not sit in the seat directly across from the rear door. This is commonly referred to as ’bitch seat.’ I don’t meant to be crass, but it’s called that because someone can easily run in the door, grab your backpack, and leave you looking like a little bitch.

This leads me to my next point: keep your bag secure. If it’s not too full, you can just leave it on your back when you sit down. But, let’s say you’re going to work, you’ve got your laptop in there, and you have to sit right next to someone. Just place it on the ground in front of you and loop one of the straps through your foot. 

Whatever you do, don’t put your backpack on your chest. What if the love your life walks in, and you’ve just got your Jansport on backwards? They’d never see you as a potential partner. They’d think you’re a child or something.

——

Alright, your stop is next. What do you do? Pull the lever Cronk! 

You should see a chord (usually bright yellow) lining the bus around head level. If you pull that lever, the ‘stop requested’ sign will light up, letting the driver know that they need to stop.

Now’s your moment to look like you weren’t born in suburban sprawl; like you’ve done this a million times. You can start to stand before the bus fully comes to stop. You just have to brace yourself with a power stance. Obviously not too much, though. The goal is for your power stance to look so nonchalant that it doesn’t look like a power stance at all. That is how you achieve peak power. Then, as soon as the door opens, you dip.

Alright, but let’s say you’re one of those Whites that claps when an airplane lands. I get it. You can’t resist thanking the driver. That’s totally fine. I have an alternate ending for you.

——

You’re stood up with your low-key badass power stance, bracing for impact. As soon as the bus stops and the door whooshes open, project your voice straight up and say, “Thanks driver!” as you walk off the bus. 

That’s it. You’ve done it. Your first bus trip. It wasn’t too bad. You didn’t get robbed by a diseased stray dog with Lupus. You just took the bus to the grocery. Pat yourself on the back. You saved your wallet and the planet. You’re a hero.

The podcast is going very well, and my two other blog posts have received the most useful feedback.

Thank you.

To the point. I am still holding up my New Year’s resolution to read and review one book from the New York Times Best Seller list every month.

This month is…

Year One by Nora Roberts

I know what you’re thinking. Doesn’t Nora Roberts usually write erotica? To be honest, I have no idea. This is the first book by her that I have read. I chose it, because the description on Amazon struck my fancy.

The book starts out in Scotland, which is a wonderful setting with some interesting characters. However, about a chapter later, they’re all dead and we are in America. It doesn’t make much sense to me to have that scene at the beginning, but Nora Roberts is a well-established writer and probably has a reason for this.

Eventually, by following a few different groups of characters, we learn about this disease cleverly titled the Doom.

The Doom wipes out a little over half of the population of the world, and the main characters are forced to restart.

Not only does the Doom infect and kill a lot of people, it also renders some people immune. Later we find out that they are not just immune but have gained super-powers. They are referred to as the Uncanny.

While the main characters try to rebuild a town named New Hope, they intend to make it a safe haven for all people; both human and uncanny.

However, there is a group of religious fanatics that believe the Uncanny to be evil and from Satan.

Sound familiar?

It sounds to me like every single story, from Harry Potter to the Walking Dead, that has come out in the last 10 years.

Nora Roberts does it differently.

Well…

Not differently, but she sort of admits that her idea is unoriginal by adding references that show how self-aware this story really is.

I really enjoyed the characters in this story, but there are just way too many.

The first half of this book is nothing but characters and backstory that are thrown in your face one right after the other. You have to scramble to figure out who is who, but, when you do, the story picks up and starts to get good.

The only other complaint that I have is…

Nora Roberts seems to go into great detail in certain scenes that don’t really matter. Then, when it comes to important things, she seems to rush through them, so, if you look away for one second, you may have missed nothing or an important plot point. There’s no real way to know until something happens where you shake your head, wipe your eyes, and wonder what’s going on.

There is a scene in this book that captures the central theme and draws me in.

In the midst of all of the despair and Doom, a baby is born.

She describes in great detail what happens.

It is disgusting, yet beautiful.

It is a representation of beautiful life emerging from dark, depressing death.

Solace.

That’s the point of the book.

Hope in the midst of despair.

I would recommend Year One by Nora Roberts.

It didn’t take me very long to read, and I believe I was sufficiently entertained for the time it took me to read the book.

You could probably finish the entire thing on a plane-ride, so why not?

You can find it here.

Thank you again for reading. I really appreciate all of the support. I hope to see you again here at Retrograde, and don’t forget to check out my other blog posts here. You can also check out my podcast Baller Friday here. Thank you.

As part of a New Year’s Resolution, I decided that I was going to pick one New York Time’s Best Seller every month and review it.

December goes to Dark Matter by Blake Crouch.

Summary:

This is an interesting story that is a bit hard to wrap your head around at first, until you take Back to the Future’s Doc Brown’s advice and start “thinking fourth dimensionally.”

The book follows the story of Jason Dessen, a small-time college professor who lives in Chicago. Jason coincidentally teaches some sort of quantum, particle physics. I’m not too smart of a cookie, so I don’t really know if any of this is possible. But, it is a fun story. I promise.

Anyway, Jason used to be a big time physicist who invented this little “Cube” that existed in every dimension. He theorised that if every possibility split into a new dimension, then there had to be a way to make a constant. However, after he figured that out, he got married and had a kid.He gave up his big time scientist life to work at this small time college and be a family man.

But, one day after a “family night,” he goes out to catch up with an old friend at a bar. When he finishes up with his friend, he starts heading home, but he is kidnapped and drugged.

All Jason remembers when he wakes up is seeing a man in a mask dragging him to a box and throwing him in. When he realises where he is, he’s in a new world where he is this big time scientist who created a box that can travel through dimensions.

Will he ever get home to his wife and kids?

What is this mysterious box?

Who kidnapped him and why?

You gotta read it to find out.

Review:

I absolutely loved this book. It reads so easily that you almost fly through a hundred pages without noticing that it’s been an hour. There are a lot of incomplete sentences that act as paragraphs that I just love. I think it adds to the post-modern aesthetic that the book already has.

It dwells heavily on this idea of “choices,” as if every little choices we make affect our entire life. Don’t be mistaken. This is not just a sci-fi book that has cool concepts that are fun to think about. It has some depth to it too.

There is this theme that Jason realises that drives me to love this book so much. Here is an excerpt that takes place after Jason tells his wife that he saw her in another dimension that explains the theme:

“‘Do you think I was happy?’ she asks.

‘What do you mean?’

‘With everything I’d given up to be this woman.’

‘I don’t know. I was with this woman for forty-eight hours. I think, like you, like me, like everyone, she had regrets. I think sometimes she woke up in the night wondering if the path she took was the right one. Afraid it wasn’t. Wondering what a life with me might have been like.’

‘I wonder those things sometimes.’

‘I’ve seen so many versions of you. With me. Without me. Artist. Teacher. Graphic designer. But it’s all, in the end, just life. We see it macro, like one big story, but when you’re in it, it’s all just day-to-day, right? And isn’t that what you have to make your peace with?’

Out in the middle of the lake, a fish jumps, its splash sending perfect, concentric ripples across the glasslike water.”

Thank you so much for reading yet another great blog. This book was a treat to read, and I recommend it to everyone! You can find it here. Stay tuned for more music, movie, and book reviews. Thank you again for reading, and I’ll see you again soon here at Retrograde.

10. Lil Peep’s Come Over When Your Sober, Pt. 1

This was one of the most fun albums to listen to this year. Lil Peep was at the forefront of “sad boy,” “cloud rap” when he tragically passed away from a drug overdose. Though this outcome did not come as a shock to a lot of his fans, we are all going to miss out on some great tunes. The overly emotional and ironic lyrics lead by Lil Peep’s unique voice made this album fantastic.

9. Kendrick Lamar’s DAMN.

Kendrick Lamar is one of the biggest names in Hip Hop right now. From his debut album Section.80 to his latest release DAMN., Kendrick Lamar has grown to be a DAMN. good artist. His melodies and lyrics in this record really prove to the world how much raw talent and dedication he really has. From catchy melodies like GOD. to hard flows like DNA, Kendrick Lamar blew us away yet again with another incredible album.

8. Noah Gundersen’s White Noise
Noah Gundersen is a semi-underground singer/songwriter from Olympia, WA. He has the aesthetic and the hair to match his heart-striking music. This record gave me chills multiple times on the first listen. He lost a lot of fans with this album when he chose to go for a more experimental and electric. I love the change of sound and pace, and I can’t wait to hear what he does next. Spoiler alert! To his fans that enjoy the soft, acoustic vibe, he threw some hidden gems in there. I promise.

7. The Pains of Being Pure at Heart’s The Echo of Pleasure
I will admit that I am impartial to loving this album; because, the Pains are my favourite band. Their unique, new-age, shoegaze sound takes a bit of a poppy turn in this record. Their older albums tended to lean more toward the dream side of dream-pop, but this one definitely favours the pop side. It is very short but so much fun the whole time.

6. Thundercat’s Drunk

The award for funkiest record of 2017 goes to Thundercat’s Drunk. From beginning to end, the soulful, jazzy, dance vibe reels you in. It is impossible to sit still while listening to the this album. And, I know we were all hanging on to the edge of our seats when we heard the Kendrick Lamar feature that brought us back to To Pimp a Butterfly. Thundercat really outdid himself with this one.

5. Tyler, the Creator’s Flower Boy

This is the Tyler album we have all been waiting for. Goblin was a great freshman record that showed all of us how creative he is. Wolf swept us off of our feet when Tyler showed us how versatile he could be with his style. And, Cherry Bomb. Well, I don’t like to talk about Cherry Bomb. But, in Flower Boy, Tyler really proves himself with some amazing production, catchy hooks, great features, funny one-liners, and just genuinely good songs.

4. Gucci Mane’s Drop Top Wop

Who let Gucci out of jail? Because, it should be illegal to be this hype. This is one of Gucci Mane’s best records ever. He has some based lines, great production, and fantastic features. Whenever I listen to this, it’s impossible to hide a smile. You could say, “I feel helpless.” This album is so much fun from the beginning to end, and I can’t wait to see what Gucci does next.

3. Julien Baker’s Turn Out the Lights

Prepare to cry. Julien Baker is back with her best record yet. It starts out with her walking in to an open room with an old piano. She just starts playing from her heart, and, by God, you definitely feel what she’s communicating. Then, she lays out track after track that is just pure, astounding beauty and pain and loss and love. This album will always be one of my favourites. And, even though she just turned old enough to drink last year, she’s already making great music!

2. Bedwetter’s Volume 1: Flick Your Tongue Against Your Teeth and Describe the Present

Bedwetter is a side project from the incredibly talented Lil Ugly Mane. From Mista Thug Isolation to Oblivion Access, Lil Ugly Mane made a name for himself as a dark, slightly ironic, and talented artist. Yet, this album isn’t anything like that. He tried to step away from his old image and he succeeded. This record is amazing. It starts off with a Bible quote that leads into a story about a child getting abducted that leads into a catchy hook about his drinking problem. This one is full of flaws and heartbreak, but it is flawless.

1. CARE’s LUV IN THE RUINS

I don’t even know where to start. This is the greatest piece of post post post modern art that I have experienced in a long time. CARE is a one man band who is extremely intelligent and boundlessly talented. From the amazing synthesisers to the powerful drum breaks to the sustaining transitions to the heart-wrenching lyrics, this is the greatest album of 2017.

He does the same old break-up story that we’ve all heard, but he does it his way. And, his way is amazing. Some of my favourite lines from this album are “Your tweeting every step of your collapse but haven’t text me back.” This line resonates to all of us, because we all understand how painful it is to deal with someone who would rather go to social media for help than their real friends and family.

Also, “Laura don’t you label me a lapse in your sexual orientation. Even if I’m gendered as you claim, I am more than a sum of your constructions.” Wow! Just wow! How culturally relevant and well written.

The pain and torment of lost love is intertwined with criticisms of modern culture, and it is just astounding. If you haven’t yet listened to this record, head over to Bandcamp or Spotify and  iTunes as quickly as you can. You truly are missing out.

Thank you so much for reading this list. I appreciate you. This year has been great for music, and I love having a platform to talk about it. Stay tuned for more music, movies, and book reviews. Thank you again for reading, and I’ll see you again soon here at Retrograde.