I successfully made pita bread today, which isn’t the exciting start to this entry that I thought it would be. It does taste good though. I’ve been editing my past writings, and really enjoying the process of putting words to paper. I have found another thing that quiets my body. That is very nice.

I feel like I am gaining confidence in social situations that I really lost over the pandemic. Or maybe my world is just at a better size? Either way, I realized last night that I haven’t felt afraid in a while. Anxious, most certainly. Like my blood was going to shoot out of my pores, of course. But not afraid. I used to be very afraid that I would die suddenly. Or be in pain. I’m not really concerned about that now. Of course, I do not want to die and, given the choice, I’d most likely avoid pain, but I’m satisfied in the knowledge that these are things I will experience and then they will be over. I’m knowing myself better these days. I’m growing faster than I ever have before. I feel like a self improving AI, like I’m looking at my source code and optimizing. I’m designing my own mind. Of course, there are glitches and the hardware is old and shitty and wasn’t really made to do any of this. Still though, I feel as if I’ve found a way to observe myself and make edits. Things are getting better every day.

I’ve got a lot of projects on my mind, and no interest in talking about any of them. I’ll share when it feels satisfying to. I’ve finished three books this week so far; there’s a real threat that I could finish another two. I’m glad to be reading again. If I can’t be a student I’ll be satisfied to be a learner.

I’m thinking about proposing cooking courses at the community college. Someone who will not be named seems to think that I am not a good enough cook. Just the doubt I need to succeed!

No Man’s Sky just had a huge update and now you can build your own ship. This will likely be the event that derails everything I have worked for in the last few months. But, if you can’t get really excited about salvaging parts to build a spaceship of your own, what are you really working for anyway?

I’m going on a trip with my wife and my mom and my step-dad. I’m very nervous about it, but I can’t really put my finger on why. It will be nice to be able to relax for a little while, but I’m not entirely sure that the trip will be relaxing. There are ways in which it feels very sad to hang out with my mom, I think because I’m not a part of her life in the way I used to be. She has a lot going on and it’s hard to get her attention if you are not in the same room, and even when I am in the same room, there are others who need that attention more than me. This is not a diss or a whine. I’m just acknowledging that I miss being close to my mom.

Today was a just right down the middle regular day. I had therapy and a psychiatrist appointment and then I got to play D&D with my buds. Things are very exciting right now in this game. There is no way I could talk about it to people not playing the game and not feel like a total idiot, so I won’t. But it is developing into a very exciting and fulfilling collaborative storytelling experience with some of my best friends.

I had a talk yesterday with a rabbi about applying for rabbinical school. It went really well; I feel like we were very much on the same wavelength. I just want to learn everything I can that would be useful to be helpful to people. I enjoy being helpful, and I enjoy chewing on profoundly esoteric ideas. I think this would make me a good candidate for rabbinical school.

I write these things hoping that eventually I will have an idea that is exciting to talk about. I guess that’s really how I communicate in general; I just speak until I interest myself and then I’m off to the races. Often times I don’t end up saying anything interesting to me, but it’s great when I do. I know I’m supposed to be concerned with whether what I’m saying is interesting to you as well, but I just really am not, unless you are really just explicitly bored and then I know that it’s time to stop talking about whatever subject. But that doesn’t mean that I needed you to be interested, if that makes any sense. I’m telling you things that are spinning in my brain because the greatest feeling in the world is to have something spinning in my brain, and maybe you could have something spinning in your brain too. But even if not, speaking it out loud lets me hear someone else talk about something that is interesting to me, which is a big plus. I know that I am not technically someone else, but it really feels sometimes that the part of me that speaks is a separate entity from the part of me that echos around behind my eyes. If there’s no one to tell me something interesting, speaking me is a decent substitute as far as I’m concerned. This is a train that is leaving the station with or without you, but it could be a fun ride if you give it a chance. I am aware this sounds incredibly self centered. Really though, how am I supposed to know what you find interesting? If you really listened to me, you would understand that these things I’m saying are quite incredible, not because I am incredible, but because the world is incredible and I’ve found a little piece of it to show you. That sentiment is a little tongue-in-cheek, but also I think there is truth to it.

I’m not very attached to my thoughts. I’m not sure that it’s proper to say they are my thoughts anyway. They are thoughts that I have gained access to, and I am holding on to them for the moment. They don’t come from me, but from somewhere else. My work is the work of filtering out the stupid thoughts and following up on the interesting ones.

These might all be stupid thoughts, but that’s the point of writing I guess; to transcribe whats in your head to see if it’s any good. I think this has probably mostly been unintelligible, but it’s not really important anyway. Like I said, I don’t need you to be interested.

I’m not sure where today went. I’d have to look at my schedule to figure out what I did, or what day it is. It’s Thursday, so I had the architectural drawing class. It seems like something I should be good at, but I am decidedly not. Am I trying? Not really I guess. It could be fun to learn, but the context is pretty uninteresting and these online classes are not particularly inspiring.

I wrote up a plan for a new project I’m starting where I am going to stop buying new clothes and just get by with what I’ve got. It’s going to be called Make Due, and I’ll do it until I can’t anymore. I know this isn’t a revolutionary idea, but I’m hoping it will find itself along the way. Might as well document something with intention that I was planning on doing without any attention anyway.

Here’s what I wrote:

It is not a revelation that textile waste is a serious issue globally. Nor would anyone be particularly interested in the observation that people have lost the deep connection to our clothing that was once integral to human experience, in times before mass production where there is no way you would consider discarding a garment whole cloth.

Make Due is not a project to raise awareness or campaign for a change in human behavior, it is merely an effort for me to document the journey of my well loved and dependable clothes and the reciprocal nature of our relationship over time. This is a statement of monogamy with my wardrobe, we are in this together to the end, and no new cloth will come between us.

This project has an indeterminate end, it will continue until it can't, or until it has to change. But the intention is to document the evolution of this commitment to make due with what I've already brought into my life.

Could be fun. I’ve got to take an inventory of the clothes and textiles I’ve got so I can keep track of the shifting throughout time. Not as fun.

I’ve also been thinking about making a role playing game about truly hopeless situations and the beauty that can be found when nothing really matters. The subtext is that all of existence doesn’t really matter, at least not like we would like it to, so it could be good practice to inhabit the mind of someone who is aware and certain that everything is coming to an end, and has the time to think about it.

I’m getting the house ready for my wife to return tomorrow night. I very much do not have a focused mind for cleaning and organizing, but I do have ample time to undo a very small mess. I had dinner with my aunt and uncle this evening as well. We got to talking about another of my uncles, and how he seems to be effortlessly funny, but I pointed out that he actually has mastered a very complex use of his voice that makes everything he says feel really funny even if it’s not actually. He has figured out how in integrate that “comedian voice” into his normal talking, where he pauses and extends and quickens and rises and drops at all the right times to amplify a joke. I didn’t know that I had observed that until we started talking about him tonight, but it’s very interesting to consider how you can weight your words to get the result you want. I’ve never been very good at noticing my voice, but when I need to or want to I can put on a show as well. Talking to people is a performance that has to be executed perfectly, and the way you use your voice is part of that. I wonder if most people are aware that they are changing the entire structure of their voice to get what they need out of a situation, or do they just do it effortlessly and automatically. To not sound completely monotone, I have to inhabit a character intentionally. There is a degree of ease to it at times, but it is always something that takes energy and brainpower, which means that if I have to focus on how I’m talking to you, I’m not as focused on what I’m saying. I can speak my mind in my voice, but not in the ones that I have to use in the world. I’m not sure that makes any sense, but it’s what it’s gotten me through some doors that I-the-actual-me would not be invited through.

I hope that when Olivia comes home I can start to rest. I hope that I can find the energy I need to care for her in the way she needs. Right now I’m not sure I am even awake. But when someone needs to be cared for, I can usually make it happen regardless of what I have left inside of me. But it would be nice to rest.

My therapist recommended I start writing about my days, because I mentioned that with my wife out of town I feel like I have no one to tell what has happened and without being able to relay what goes on in a day I feel like I’m becoming separated from the passage of time.

Today was a normal kind of day. I woke up and got some things done to set up the educational programming at ORA and did my therapy appointment over zoom. I spent some time supporting a dear friend, did my homework for a class I am auditing and worked on organizing the myriad things that I am involved in, figuring out if there’s anything I can cut. I said goodbye to my grandmother-in-law who ended up passing away this evening; I’m grateful I got the chance. I played a game of The Quiet Year with one of my oldest friends, and did some exciting storytelling. I hung out with my landmate and his son and played Imperator: Rome, a needlessly complicated historical simulator; we both ended up frustrated and decided to allow our Alexandrian successor states to fall into the dregs of history.

I didn’t really get anything done today that felt important, although I would wager to say that there are more people than one who would say my presence and actions were important to them. I’m not depressed, but I am very tired, and I do just have to get through the next few days until Olivia comes home. I don’t do well alone, but I can get through it. It’s ok to let some days just not be your best. I can get what needs doing done and I don’t have to “make something” of every moment. I say that, but I’m not sure I believe it.

I think there are a lot of really affirming and interesting things coming around the corner in my life, if I can be patient enough to see them unfold. This might be one of the first times in my life where I can imagine a path that looks like the people around me. I’ll be going back to work, building skills, making a career and, hopefully, feeling like I’m making an impact on the world around me in a positive way. That would be nice.

I miss Olivia, who has been gone for two weeks. I miss my parents, who I haven’t seen in months. I miss my brother, who I’ve only been able to steal a few moments of connection with in my life, but I have come to really, truly, understand and I think possibly may be the person most suited to understand me. I haven’t left the house since Friday, I haven’t changed my clothes since sometime last month. I’ve put on and taken off jackets, but that’s not really relevant. I’m not sure that this really makes sense to anyone, but that kind of shrinking of the world and consistency of sensory experience is comforting. I’m actually feeling at my best in some of these situations that people would likely feel concern about me for. The world is fast and unpredictable and scary and loud. It can be nice to know your pants will stay the same.

I think things are going to be great. I mean things are already great. Not optimal sometimes. It’s kind of strange to say that things are great when I’ve lost a loved one. But in the arc of time, yes, things are swinging towards a good place. That’s new. That’s big.

I haven’t been making as much “art” as I would like, but I’m in the process of processing some ideas that could be really interesting, and I’m deeply involved in building upon this fantasy world I’ve been creating with my gaming friends. That could be something. It already is something, in that we are having the most fun role playing that we have since we started. I don’t know why I feel like my recreation has to become profitable to be worthwhile. But shit it would be cool to tell stories and get paid.

I’ve been listening to 21 Lessons for the 21st Century on audio book. Every time I tell my landmate something I found interesting in it, I feel like he loses respect for me. I guess that’s fine, but it would be nice to not do that too. I think that I’m realizing how little I actually have to contribute to a casual conversation. I’m mostly just socializing to tell people things that I’ve learned. If you are not interested in that, which is super reasonable, I’m probably not very fun to talk to. I feel myself when I speak to people in the world pretending that I’m hearing what they are saying when it is not interesting to me. I have no idea if I’m doing a good job. I reckon I’m somewhere on the borderline of that.

This is probably a good place to stop talking. I think people feel compelled to end things in a good way, which is a super huge concept worth talking about some other time, but I mean when they are writing something. I think it’s acceptable to just

It looks like the last time I posted I was dealing with a tight chest and shit in my throat. I feel like there was a time in between where I wasn’t feeling sick, but here I am again. My wife is out of town and I am trying to stay occupied and creative, this is a kind of light week responsibility wise, so I’ve got a lot of time to create if I can spend it well.

I’ve been doing a lot of work on my 40k models. I played my first real game of Kill Team and found it mostly uninteresting, so I’m exploring Necromunda. I’m converting some of my models into members of a shadowy bounty hunter group called the Azure Kindred. I’m working on backstory for the gang and it’s members, but for now, I’m having fun putting them together.

I finished Kate Sekules’ mending book, it was fantastic and I am now using it in my classes. I taught last Friday; it went very well. I’ve repaired a couple of treasured garments and made a pair of shoes on a whim. I was in a fit of creativity over the weekend that I’m hoping to ride through this week. I’ve got a couple very exciting ideas I’m tossing around with friends and I am excited to find the focus to develop them.

I need to buy a white paint marker so I can keep working on A Diary of Symbols and Lines. I am very close to finishing up this series. I don’t know why I think that, it just feels right. I’m moving into more 3D, textile work and dipping my toe into land and the built environment as mediums. I’ll keep you posted if any of my fever dreams become reality.

I think when someone is dying, you are tending to them for yourself more than for them. I don’t mean that in a cynical way, rather, I think that comforting those who are dying is a way for us to reconcile our feeling of coming up short that often accompanies this event. We usually feel like we could have said or did more, or shouldn’t have said or did what we did. This act of witnessing the end of someone’s life, I think, can be a place of finding comfort with the fact that this line of thinking is so unbearably futile in the face of our inevitable passing. Of course we could have done more, or different, this is not untrue. But it’s pointless to recognize because it can’t be undone in any way. This is a moment of teshuva, of returning, where we can try to come back into alignment with a reality where there is nothing we can do but we absolutely must do all we can to do it. A non-dual place that exists in a few sacred moments.

In the Avinu Malkeinu prayer we recite the phrase כִּי אֵין בָּֽנוּ מַעֲשִׂים, transliterated as kee ayn bah-noo mah-ahh-seem, and translated by Rabbi Alan Lew as “…for we have no more good deeds.” He explains that this is a central concept of teshuva, that inevitably, we will find that we have come up short. This is not a fact to despair, but a fact that does need to be accepted. When we are seeking forgiveness from God, from our fellow mortals, whoever, we are ultimately in need of a pathway to forgive ourselves, so we can move on and grow and become the people we need to be. I think that bearing witness to someone’s dying is a moment like those final days before Yom Kippur, where there is no time left and so much to do, and this is what we must find a way to live with. I’ve been lucky enough to not watch many people do the work of dying, these thoughts are mostly formed from watching people watching people dying.

Pain gives us a visceral chance to deny or accept, perhaps the only real opportunity of substance. It is easy to appreciate a pleasant experience, it is immensely difficult to feel the same when your world is splitting in two. But this is what I mean when I talk about being close to God; to be unable to discern between Mordechai and Haman, or rather, to not divide what is good and bad but really just witness what is all around us.

Good night.