Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Mark Martin — Martin remained on top of the points with a fifth in Las Vegas, and hasn't finished out of the top five this year. He's got a six-point lead over Jeff Gordon and a refreshed sense of purpose since coming to Ginn Racing from Roush.
"Jack Roush is a dictator," says Martin. "Really, he's not, but it does make for a an interesting story when I say that. Just like when someone asks me about my driving schedule. My answer always makes great copy, but deciphering the hidden meanings in my answers is the real fun."
2. Jeff Gordon — Gordon led the most laps in Vegas, but couldn't catch teammate Jimmie Johnson after Johnson took the lead on lap 240. Gordon finished second, and is second in the points, six behind Martin.
"Maybe you didn't recognize my car with that wacky Nicorette paint scheme," says Gordon. "Just like Nicorette gum, losing that race left a bad taste in my mouth."
3. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson won for the third straight year in Las Vegas, overcoming a penalty for a runaway tire on pit lane for his first win of the season. Johnson is fourth in the points, 89 out of first.
"Hey, I'm not the first dude to have scored three times in Vegas," says Johnson. "The Busch brothers grew up here in Sin City, and that's more than they can say."
4. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth was never a threat to win, but grinded out a hard-earned fourth in the UAW-DaimlerChrysler 400. Without crew chief Robbie Reiser, serving the third of a four-race suspension, the No. 17 DeWalt Ford finished strong with timely pit stops and adjustments.
"I think it's apparent that crew chiefs are the most overrated member of race teams," explains Kenseth. "Honestly, I think the backup jack man could make the necessary calls. Heck, if Van Halen can be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with only one member present, then I should be able to win a race without my crew chief."
5. Jeff Burton — Burton led as late as lap 239, but engine trouble relegated him to 15th, ending his bid to sweep the Busch Series and Nextel Cup events. On Saturday, Burton dueled Kyle Busch before winning as Busch spun across the finish line.
"Look, that was just good, hard racing," says Burton, "unlike what you saw in Mexico City when Juan Pancho Montoya spun his own teammate, Scott Pruett, then took the victory. That's dirty. It's not like Juan Paco hasn't wrecked a teammate before. Ever heard the name 'Ralf Schumacher?' Kyle congratulated me afterwards; Pruett had no such words for Montoya. In fact, he threatened to give Juan a 'Columbian necktie.'"
6. Kevin Harvick — Harvick struggled to a 27th-place finish in Las Vegas, unable to find grip on the slick racing surface at LVMS. The result left him frustrated, disappointed, and craving a Reese's peanut butter cup.
"Man, my tires were slicker than Barry Bonds navigating questions from a grand jury," says Harvick. "But, we all know Bonds told the truth, as did Michael Waltrip when he said he had no idea how jet fuel got in his car at Daytona."
7. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin got his first top-five of the year by finishing third in the UAW-DaimlerChrysler 400. The result allowed him to crack the top 10 in points, checking in at the eight spot.
"Really, I'm thrilled," says Hamlin, "but not as thrilled as I'd be if I won that NAPA promotion and got to ride with Michael Waltrip in the No. 55 Toyota. I guess that ride would have to be in qualifying since Michael can't make the races."
8. Kyle Busch — After sliding across the finish line in Saturday's Busch series race, Busch had his share of spins in Sunday's Nextel race. Despite his intermittent fits of wreckless abandon, the younger Busch brother finished ninth and is now seventh in the points, 113 out of first.
"It's one thing to spin," says Busch, "but it's another thing to spin and not have Tony Stewart to blame for it. Another thing: it's not a good idea to watch The Cannonball Run the night before a race."
9. Tony Stewart — After much complaining about the surface at Las Vegas, Stewart shut his trap long enough to record a seventh-place finish, then shockingly desecrated the track.
"Hey, it was just motor oil," says Stewart. "This weekend has to be a first for me. It's common knowledge that I feud with many drivers. But this is the first time I've feuded with an actual track."
10. Ryan Newman — Newman scored his first top-10 finish of the year with an eighth in Vegas, moving him to 15th in the points standings.
"Has anyone checked the television ratings for Sunday's race?" asks Newman. "I heard they were pretty good except for the 6:00 to 6:30 time slot, when the rating slipped to 0.00, when everyone flipped over to CBS for the NCAA basketball selection show."
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